Hello and welcome back to Reddit Insanity number 24.
I got some more Reddit crazy stories for you today.
More Reddit rambles.
More Reddit rambles, yes.
Robbie, Robbie, uh, who the big damn random R's?
Red Ruby, red Ruby, red Ruby, Ruby, big red Rudy, Ruby, Ruby,
I came to say a red Rudy Ruby.
All right.
First one that we got is by 99 necromancers.
My God, if they had one more, they could sum it through it.
I know the exact even number of 100.
This person puts a couple of months ago, I asked my parents if I was allowed to have
sex in my room.
What the fuck kind of start to a story is that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You captured my attention on the first line.
That's how you, that's how you tell a story.
My girlfriend and I usually have sex in the woods.
What the fuck?
Yeah, took two turns right then left.
I got whiplash.
I've never heard a story.
Just fucking punch me one side of that.
Punch me the other.
In the first two lines.
Yeah, I'm like, God.
Oh shit.
But it became too uncomfortable and unsafe.
I got a corner of my hands.
So I decided to embrace the embarrassment of asking my mom and dad for permission to
sleep with my girlfriend in my bed.
I never wanted to have that conversation with my parents, but I wouldn't either.
But I wanted to show them that I was mature enough to talk to them instead of sneaking
my girlfriend in and out of my room when no one was watching.
Judy awkward.
Can I have sex in my room conversation?
My mom is driving like this.
She's making you a shit.
It's blowing my mind.
I would never ask that.
Hell no.
Oh my God.
My mom struggling to accept the fact that I was sexually active.
You're only 11.
And got upset with me for expecting her to allow me to have sex under her roof.
In other words, the answer was no.
I was 17 at the time.
Oh, well.
Well.
My mom completely lost her mind after the conversation and decided to start hiking
all of a sudden, which was an obvious excuse to patrol the woods where my girlfriend and
I had sex.
She was even she even managed to convince the other like minded moms to hike with her
because they were just fucking stake out the woods.
And they were out here fucking.
How do they how do they have light?
Because usually we fuck in the woods.
But if we get a fuck in the house, is that what he said?
I would not told him where I fucked ever.
She brought the other moms to hike with her because my girlfriend and I were not the only
teenagers hooking up in the woods.
There's a bunch of people just banging in the woods, huh?
I called them the neighborhood would watch the neighborhood would watch a good title.
Remember that my girlfriend and I were also forced to go deeper into the woods to lower
the risk of not being caught by the real hikers, but also by mother hikers, a.k.a. the W in
W.W. the national would watch the neighborhood.
The neighborhood would watch on my bad.
The neighborhood would watch.
I was confidently leading the way to our next sex spot until I realized I had no idea where
we were anymore.
I was low key experiencing post-nat clarity, but without the nut, there were no signs of
trails anywhere.
My girlfriend and I spent most of the afternoon retracing our steps instead of having sex.
I don't know how long we were lost, but just banged in.
I mean, you're already there.
You get down to business, but it was beginning to get dark when we made it out of the woods.
My girlfriend was not happy with me at all.
She made it clear that she was done fucking in the woods forever.
My mom successfully made the woods fuck proof and cock block me.
Not much has changed since I turned 18.
I'm still living in a home with the leader of the N.W.W.
What about what the dad say?
I he doesn't mention that.
There's like a fucking the woods too.
The whore he picked up with some random woman.
My girlfriend and I are not having as much sex as we used to know.
The woods are off limits.
No, he don't say.
And we're too poor to pay for privacy.
For the record, if you're in my position due to the increase in moms in the woods, I'm
sorry.
What does it look like?
Really?
Like that?
Mother fucker explains everything.
It's like, yeah, he's the one that did it.
Then you do come across a Reddit post and you're like, wait a minute.
And you put the dots together.
Wait a minute.
And like it involves you.
Right.
Yeah.
And you realize that was shit.
Would it be like an epiphany?
What the fuck?
Yeah, it pisses me off.
You know, but you know how deep I go in the woods now?
Sixty seven miles.
Go to Anchorage, Alaska, the middle of nowhere.
All right.
Next one is by Marine Raptor.
So I moved to a small town where everybody knows everyone and hang out at the local bar.
My next door neighbor is warm and welcoming, which makes it even worse.
I get home from work late one day.
And as I reached the top of the stairs, a naked guy is standing in the doorway.
You like what you say?
He was apparently waiting for her to come home and thought I was her.
When he saw his mistake, he slammed the door.
Damn it.
Later, I met my neighbor at the local bar hanging out with a big group of friends.
I saw the naked guy among them, so I decided to say hi.
He was still naked?
Apparently not.
That'd be really bad.
It's one of those, what do you call it?
The nudist bars.
Oh, that would be funny.
How do you pay?
Do you want to know?
They just drop coins out of their asshole?
Here you go.
When I saw her, I wanted to goof about the awkward meet and say hi.
Nice to meet you again with more clothes on.
The awkward meet.
Yeah.
Double meaning.
Yes.
To me anyway.
With more clothes on.
No worries about the situation.
The group got real quiet.
What'd he say?
What did he say?
And another guy stared at me.
I walked out of the situation knowing that I'd said something wrong.
No, you didn't say like, hey man, I saw you naked, but now I don't.
Now I know.
My neighbor's boyfriend was the guy staring.
The naked man was her lover.
I will never goof again with people I don't know.
Let me piece this together.
There was a dude at the, at the apartment.
The girlfriend was not that guy's, right?
He was saying that he was at her apartment.
Right.
Naked.
Right.
And the boyfriend.
Yes.
He was also there with the group.
Yes.
Now he's confused.
Because the naked guy was at her apartment.
Right.
Cheating on him.
And he's like, wait, I can't put these dots together.
Yeah.
I'm like, bro, why the fuck were you naked at my apartment?
Exactly.
My first fucking question.
That was what, that was the whole point.
Like the fuck were you doing at my house, motherfucker?
Oh, so he did figure it out.
Yeah.
That was one of those dumb guys.
Yeah, he figured it out.
That's weird.
Oh well.
He's like, fuck.
Give him that side eye like.
That fucking.
And then you get home, right?
Like a couple of days later.
Yeah.
And you see the guy had murdered the other guy.
You're like, oh, wow.
That's basically exactly how it went.
Next person is by kinky girl 59.
It's a dude.
No, it's a girl.
Sure.
At least that's what they put in the post.
Sure.
I'm a 24, sorry, I a 27 female.
It's a dude.
And dating my boyfriend 26 for almost two years.
We both are experienced people, so we have no problem establishing sexual.
Dominance.
Sexual boundaries and using safe words where I could, where it could satisfy both of our
needs.
Get off me bitch, what the fuck.
Fuck off bitch.
Get off me, what the fuck.
My asshole.
How dare you.
Yeah, in the multitude of sexual activities that we do.
Nothing goes into the gates of mortal.
Anal oral impact play.
Impact.
What?
I don't want to know.
I don't either.
CBT.
What the fuck.
Kind of a PDHD level sexual activity they get into.
There's more than she puts.
Felching.
Thank you.
What can you be?
Don't look at it.
It sounds so intriguing, though.
You know where it is.
I do.
You don't want to know.
What is it?
It's eating something.
No, never mind.
Never mind.
I don't want to eat nothing.
I'm not hungry.
All right, Squirtie, you get the idea.
No, I don't.
I'm so confused.
I'm so innocent.
We love to keep things interesting and try to try out new things every once in a while.
A couple of weeks ago, I suggested that we take things to the new level and do CNC.
What the fuck.
I need to get some books.
I'm so fucking lost.
I thought I knew stuff.
I don't know a damn thing.
I'm so lost.
What the fuck.
Oh shit, they completely lost.
I'm so-
Whenever I first seen that, whenever I was writing,
whenever I was getting these,
I thought the CNC was like one of those machines
where you're creating like the stuff.
It's like, oh, what the fuck are you doing
with the CNC machine?
Shit.
I'll give you two of the letters.
The first C is a consensual and the last C is consent.
CNC?
So consensual consent?
What's the word in between?
C.
Wait, I thought it was like C and,
well what's the-
CNC.
Consensual.
Consensual consent and the middle letter is non.
Consensual non-concent, oh fuck.
I didn't want to say it in the order.
It's just rate play.
Yeah, yeah, pretty much.
Involving a little bit of edge play
where he's the dominant and I'm the submissive.
He was uncomfortable with it
because he didn't like the idea of forced sex.
Your honor, it's CNC.
Your honor, your honor.
But I told him that it's not actually real
if both parties are consensual.
No, no thank you, no.
No, no.
It's simply acting out a CNC fantasy.
Hell no.
With a consenting partner.
No.
He eventually agreed to do it.
If she wants to have sex, she can get into porn.
So there's no way the normal guy.
Yeah.
He eventually agreed to do it a couple of days ago
because he loves to please me.
And so we discussed everything from safe words
to what defines as crossing the line.
Oh, god.
And no, I didn't pressure or force him into it.
So she forced him to do it.
Yeah.
I only asked once.
No thank you.
Sure.
So we picked the time about 12, 15.
That would make no sense.
If he was not into it, right, and she asked one time,
then it would have never been brought up again.
She is lying.
Your honor.
Yes.
So we picked the time at around 12, 15 a.m.
as it's basically the scariest time of the night.
I went downstairs to the kitchen and I was pouring
a glass of water.
My boyfriend grabbed me from behind.
I threw the water in his face to which he responded
with slapping me across the face,
grabbed me again and holding a knife to my throat.
Wait a minute, what the, wait a minute man,
what the fuck?
He said, do that again and your kitchen floor
will be drowning in blood.
After which he threw me down on the floor,
tied my hands and feet,
during which I struggled the entire time as is my role,
kicked me in the arm and then fucked me really hard.
At one point he was holding the knife against my throat
and he accidentally pricked my skin
with the edge of the blade.
Yes, we used an actual knife.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, make sure it's authentic.
My boyfriend has had experience with edge play before,
which involves using really sharp objects such as knives.
What the fuck, what the fuck, what is going on?
You know until I read this article,
I had never heard of that with the shit, so.
So I trusted him to use a real knife
instead of a dummy or extremely dull one.
I also enjoyed pain mixed with the pleasure
because the pain really creates intense arousal for me.
Some of you guys may think it's weird,
but some people are into it like myself and some aren't
and that's okay.
Next hour or so we cuddled and I confronted him,
but after that he wanted to be alone
and collect his thoughts.
When I saw him the next morning,
he said that he couldn't believe he actually did
what he just did last night
and that he feels extremely disgusted with himself.
Both my right cheek and left arm have bruises
from where he slapped and kicked me.
And I could see the pain and guilt on his face
when he saw me,
but I told him that I loved it
and he shouldn't beat himself up over it
because we were both consenting adults
doing a little fantasy act.
But I wasn't able to convince him of that.
It was just role play and he isn't a monster.
It's been five days since then.
No words of affirmation, soft comfort,
physical touch could help him.
We've tried having sex yesterday,
but whenever I winced as he touched my bruised arm,
he said he couldn't continue because the memory of him
turning into a person capable of causing harm to me,
fantasy or not, was too fresh and painful for him.
So yeah, I fucked up real bad.
All because of what?
Some CNC fantasy that I've been trying to fulfill for years,
but none of my previous partners wanted to do.
Now I've possibly lost an amazing partner and lover
because he still can't mentally recover
and has possibly broke him.
I'm a fucking idiot.
So to backtrack, she said she only had to ask him once,
but she's been trying to do this shit for years.
Well, not with him, apparently.
I'm just saying, she said that like,
oh, well, he didn't need much pressuring,
but she's been trying with everybody.
Who was the one pressuring at that point?
I'm pretty sure it was her.
I'm real conflicted.
Like the whole point of us men now
is that we need to have self-control.
According to them.
In our interactions with women.
And you wanna tell me that you want me to fulfill a fantasy
that all of society says is wrong.
I can't do everything.
I can either be a good guy or a bad guy.
I can't be both.
That's why it's hilarious whenever Bill Burr
has that whole joke about, no, it doesn't always mean no.
God.
Yeah.
Bitch is crazy.
That is 100% a no go for me.
No end and end for me.
And end, end, end.
I don't know if I can, I don't even wanna.
Too many acronyms.
I'm gonna be soft for the next 16 days.
Ruined, ruined her.
Yeah.
Because now I understand his feeling.
Like what, he's like, I'm capable of rape.
Yeah.
He is now a ruined human being.
Yes.
Because of this crazy bitch.
Weird.
Yeah.
I'm gonna be soft for 57 days.
All right, now we're gonna go into something
that doesn't have to do with that.
Yeah, you sure know how to pick them.
I do.
I've been trying to ruin my fucking life.
Ha.
Next one is by SlurpeeLMAO.
Imagine if they do an issue of Spider-Man
with Mary Jane and they do NNN.
NNN.
N, is it NNN?
CNC.
Oh, is it CNC?
Why am I keep saying NNN?
I don't know.
You're talking about that neighborhood.
Oh, yeah.
NWW.
Yeah, see, so he does CNC with Mary Jane.
It's Spider-Man.
So now you're like, what the fuck?
Spider-Man?
Spider-Man.
I ain't even like 100% devastated.
It's broken you mentally a little bit.
Yeah, like I, you cannot have a fantasy
of something that is 100% wrong.
It's like, hey, I have a fantasy of you murdering me.
That doesn't work.
I'm real, I'm real.
I'm real fucked up now.
Be soft for 67 days.
The number keeps going up.
It's just every time.
I'm gonna be thinking about it in the back of my head
for like the next two straight years.
Every time. Fuck.
Yeah, you fucked me.
You fucked me on that one.
It was not CNC though.
Yeah, my bad.
I kept saying NNN for neighborhood.
No, I was joking with you.
You said that I fucked you real good.
It's like, it wasn't CNC.
So no, it wasn't.
No, it was legit.
It was, no, it was just C.
It was NC.
No, it was not NC.
I didn't wanna hear that.
This person puts, I got a second degree burn from it.
Yay.
I was in Iceland and went to a place I could see lava.
Someone dropped a piece of ice in said lava.
The steam from the ice got trapped under the lava.
So in a large bubble, it formed in the lava.
At one point, the bubble popped and went onto the floor.
Because of the silica in the lava,
the shard of the bubble, which had solidified now
and fell near me, kind of looked like black glass.
So I got a bit curious.
Lava is a great insulator for its own heat.
So it was still very hot.
I touched it for half a second or so
and got a second degree burn.
Luckily, at least it wasn't 300 degrees Celsius.
So I didn't spontaneously combust.
I just sat there for 15 minutes
because I still wanted to see the lava for some reason.
And then I stuck my finger in an ice cube.
Let me, let me, this is all of humanity, right?
Yeah.
We are intelligent, highly capable as a society.
We are super smart.
Now we have built an entire civilization.
We've been to the moon.
We've got internet, we've, you know.
But man, you see some lava, you're like,
man, I wonder if I can touch that.
You see it, right?
You're like, well, I mean, you know what I mean?
I don't know how we made it
because I know I'm not the only person.
You're like, well.
Yeah, yeah.
Because it doesn't look hot.
Yep.
Especially when it's crusted over,
like on the top it's just like crust.
Like, why don't I just shove my hand into that
and just go straight into the lava.
Yeah, that's kind of what he did.
He's like, ooh, lava, I want to touch.
Yeah.
Like, oh, I still want to touch.
Peeled my skin off.
And then he looked at it again.
But I want to touch.
I mean, like, something like, what if I jumped
into a fucking pool of lava?
Like, you can't help it.
After I seen the, there was a person
that actually did a science thing or whatever on it.
Like I think it was that SciShow
that they have on YouTube or something.
But they showed what would happen if you did fall in lava
and you'd skip across the lava, burning the entire time.
Oh, nice.
You can't sink into lava.
I can't?
Fantasy ruined.
Yep.
Because it's denser than you are.
The same as jumping into a bunch of bills and coins
like Doge McDuck.
Did you ever see that?
Fantasy ruined.
You fucking shatter every bone in your fucking body.
You jump on him, he's like, ah, you just fucking dash.
You can't swim through gold.
He died like he lived with money.
Next person is by WKARacker.
He puts, this just happened this morning
while everyone else in the house was asleep.
I was fixing a PB&J sandwich and placed a jar of peanut butter
in the microwave to warm it up.
Oh.
I'd like to warm it up.
He's fancy.
I know.
I ate that shit cold as fuck.
Cold as a rock out of the fridge.
I like to warm up the peanut butter
so it doesn't destroy the bread
while spreading it with a knife.
Bread is just fucking crushed underneath.
Pretty much.
Ripped to shred.
Yeah.
I set the timer for 15 seconds, turn it on
and turn around to do some additional prep work.
All of a sudden I hear a loud buzzing
and a bright light emanating from behind me.
This is no little flash, but a brilliant light,
enough to cast a shadow on the far wall of the dining room.
God dang.
I whip around and see the top edge
of the plastic peanut butter jar strobing like an arc welder.
I yank the door open to shut it off
and that's when I see the top edge of the jar
still has a small remnant of foil
fresh in the seal stuck to the lip.
Wow.
Oh, that's dangerous.
The foil has gotten so hot
that it has melted the plastic jar and slightly charred it.
The burnt plastic has given off a heavy chemical smell
and a thin haze of smoke has collected
at the top of the microwave.
I laughed to myself and pulled the jar out of the microwave
thinking it is a simple mistake and everything is okay.
That's when the smoke detector
starts screaming its brains out.
Since this is around 2 a.m.,
it wakes up my wife and adult daughter.
My wife has an RN and starts her day at 6 a.m.
Well, early morning.
So this is her middle,
this is the middle of her sleep cycle.
She is not happy.
My daughter has recently changed jobs
and this is the first morning
she is reported to her new position.
She is not happy.
We have four cats of various ages.
The smoke alarm has startled them
and now they're bouncing off the walls,
the stairs and each other.
They are not happy.
So I am standing on the stairs,
slapping at the smoke detector.
The wife and daughter are yelling at me
and the cats are ripping around the house
like cats do whenever they are freaked out of their minds.
I ended up breaking the mounting plate
of the smoke detector but everything got silent.
The wife and daughter are glaring at me.
One of the cats has pissed and evacuated
their bowels on the floor of the kitchen
and has an evil smelling plastic fumes
that I have to clear out of the kitchen.
I am not happy.
So this has made me a person non grata
for the humans and probably the cats of the house
just because of a little foil
stuck to the top of a peanut butter jar.
Yeah, but how long,
was that like the first time you put it in the microwave?
It was probably a new thing of it.
Well, that's what happens.
And you put it in there for 15 seconds.
That'd be OCD, you know me.
I'm sorry.
Sure that you would be gone.
Yeah.
And last one is by assman912.
The ass man.
This person puts, one time I was shopping
and realized I was out of detergent and needed to buy some.
I just see downy in my peripherals
and grabbed it assuming it's detergent.
Damn, was I wrong.
I used it for many weeks and my clothes always smelled decent
after the wash so nothing really caught my eye
until yesterday.
I went out on a date with a girl I met on Hinge
and whenever I gave her a hug to say hello,
she said, did you just come from the gym?
I said, no, nothing else happened after
but I kept wondering why she had asked.
When the day was over.
I broke it.
What the fuck was she saying?
What?
When the day was over, I smelled my shirt
and I said, oh my fucking God.
I smell like actual ass.
Actual ass?
It takes a lot of effort to smell like actual ass.
There's effort that way, I'll put it into that.
I was so confused since I had just washed this shirt a lot.
I should note it has been over 90 degrees
for the past week where I live.
So I've been sweating a lot.
Anyway.
It's all like everywhere in America.
Basically, it's where he lives.
Anyway, I got home feeling super embarrassed
to check my other clothes by smelling them
and they all smell terrible.
They called, this caused me to check my detergent
and yep, I'm an idiot.
The day actually went well and we had a great time.
So I messaged her asking if she wants to meet up again.
Like, no, you smell like ass, sir.
I thought maybe she would.
Nothing good kind of ass, you lick.
The bad kind of ass you avoid.
I thought maybe she would overlook my smelliness
since we had such a good time.
She responded with, I don't think we had a connection.
Damn girl.
She didn't like that ass smell.
What was the detergent?
He bought a fabric softener.
The liquid?
Not detergent, yeah.
The liquid form?
He did not notice that the clothes weren't smelling
at all different?
Whenever you take anything that has fabric softener
out of the washer, originally it smells good.
But it doesn't clean the way detergent does.
So it just reeks after that.
It smelled like literal ass.
I've only smelled literal ass like a few times in my life.
It is a very distinct smell.
It's not bad smell.
Yeah, literal ass.
Literal ass.
It's a hard smell to get.
This is weeks of 90 degree plus sweating.
Weeks of ass building in his fucking shorts.
Yep.
Well.
Did you just go to the gym?
Like, no bitch, what do you mean?
What are you saying?
No, man.
But apparently it became so gradual
because he got used to the smell of his own self.
It's the worst thing when you get used to a smell
and then you leave for a little bit,
you come back and you're like, what the fuck?
Smells like shit.
Everything in this house smells like shit.
You leave for like two months on vacation,
or not vacation, but like just two months somewhere
and you come back and you're like,
this house smells like absolute shit.
And then a week later, it smells better now.
And it's just insane.
You acclimated to the fucking shit smell.
Your brain works in a really weird way.
At the flea market, I was putting up the stall, right?
And I walked past this guy and he just,
he smelled like actual shit.
Like, not that he passed a fart, right?
Yeah.
Like, it smelled like he shit himself.
Oh, God.
Like, that's what it smelled like.
Like, a fart, right?
Yeah.
This was shit.
Like, emanating out of the fucking toilet level shit.
And that's hard because shit's in water.
Yeah.
So it's kind of hard to smell watered shit.
Yeah.
It had to be a powerful fucking,
it had to be so fucking dense,
it floats on top of the fucking water that it comes out.
This guy like, I wanted to turn around like,
sir, did you shit yourself?
Because there's no way you just farted.
If you thought you farted, you didn't.
You shit your fucking pants.
You might want to go change your clothes.
I know he was drunk, right?
Cause they were all drunk at the time.
Oh yeah, then he probably did shit himself.
Yeah, like he shit himself.
I'm like, man, someone,
cause it wasn't like, oh, that's a nasty fart.
Like I walked past and like someone shit themselves.
Like you, trust me people,
like you know the difference
between someone shitting themselves and farting.
You will, I promise you.
You may not think you know that they're farting,
but you do.
You may not, you do.
Believe me, I didn't think I was gonna shit their fucking pants.
This person shit themselves.
That was a bad day.
That and with the fucking end and end,
I'm all fucking all devastated everywhere.
My whole life has turned upside down.
It's over.
I'm gonna be selling it for three straight years.
It's like, you're so scarred by the CNC
that you keep calling it NMM.
Did they call it NMM again?
God dang it.
I can't get over it.
It's fucking devastated.
But anything else to add before we head out?
No, man, I don't know what the thing.
And with that, we leave your minds ruined just like ours.
How can I live a life avoiding the thing
that's not right to do, right?
Because it's morally wrong.
And then me to grow this like, I'm kind of into that.
Like, bitch, what do you mean?
No, I can't.
We'll see on the next one.
I'm losing my fucking mind.
태 gender vice versa