Hello and welcome to Reddit Insanity number 18. I'm Michael. And we are the Knights of
Entertainment. Today we have some Reddit for you. We're here to entertain you at night.
What's the day? Either one is fine. These are bad date stories. So the first one we
have is by MacBook Prime. This person puts started fine with a decent dinner. One hour
later she grabs me by the neck looks me in the eye and says, I want you to get me pregnant.
Feeling completely uncomfortable. I never told her that I had a mastectomy when I was 19.
So I was like, don't worry girl. I got you. But feeling completely uncomfortable. I said,
maybe it's best we call it a night. On the way home, she starts screaming and yelling.
Then undid her seatbelt and began kicking the shit out of me while I was driving her
home. Oh man, he's gonna catch a fucking a rape charge for sure. Pulled over, called
the police. They came pretty quickly and fortunately took her home. Apparently she was on some
kind of drugs and they kicked in right when dinner ended. What a night. That's like, like
a, I don't know. That's terrifying. Like you can say something that you did right that
you didn't do. Yeah. Then before you know it, you're in jail. Yeah. Scary. Next one
is by Captain Save a hoe. This person fits that last one we needed him. Captain Save
a hoe. He puts met a girl on Craigslist. This was long ago, obviously. After a few messages,
we set up a date at a bar downtown. I show up and she's already there with a guy friend.
No big game thinking she's just playing it safe. They are at a two person table and the
place is packed. They already have drinks. So I grabbed one for myself and put it on
my tab. Her and her friend proceed to ignore me. Like I say something and neither one acknowledges
anything unless I say something directly to them. Even then I get one word answers. That
fucking border. So that's what was farting. That motorcycle, if you guys can hear you
when I'm not as a ricer car. It's okay. Okay. I'm like, Jesus. So I finished my beer, pay
my bill and leave without saying a word. Later I get a barrage of messages asking how I why
I'm such an asshole for sticking them with their own tab. That's where I do it was a
date. Yeah. He set up a date with this girl. So why would they ignore what the fuck? Why
is I get the other guy being there, right? Yeah. But how about you sit at the bar so
me and her can do that. And then neither one of them like talk to him unless he directed
like direct questions to him. That's fucking that's and then got mad because he didn't
pay her tab. I'm paying shit. I'll pay for her. I'm not paying for the dude. You don't
want to pay for her gay best friend. Is he putting out maybe? Okay, sure. You never know.
Next one is by red saw 87. They put dating app, smallish town, Kingston, Ontario, go on
a few boring dates, cue story, match with a girl she agrees to meet but there is something
odd about the conversation. She was eager to meet suspiciously eager. I get to the Starbucks
and wait inside for 20 minutes past the agreed meet time. Girl texts me says she's running
late, asks me to stand outside so she can see me as she drives by. I look over and there's
another dude standing on the sidewalk with his phone in his hand recognize him from the
gym asks if he is there to also meet a girl and what her name is. Turns out the girl was
pulling a fast one on both of us as revenge for her girlfriend who we both apparently
dated once and didn't like. So him and I go to go get ice cream together and sent a
photo of us having a great time. Wish I still had the photo. We're married now 15 years.
That reminds me of something I saw earlier was this woman. I shit you not. She lost both
boyfriends. They cheated on her with the same girl. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, God dang it.
She's a fucking O and T on you. What does this woman have against her to snatch both
her boyfriends knowing she probably banged her dad or something. Yeah. There's some kind
of girl thing going on there where that would be like that one dude banging all your all
your girlfriends. You know, this motherfucker. Next one is by Smiley McSacks. Not sex. Sax.
Maybe like a happy nut sack. Maybe that was a X not a X. So it's a sex font. Maybe they
put a while ago. I agreed to meet a Tinder date at a local bar. Things went all right,
but I could very much tell she was loaded prior to my arrival. We have a couple of things
was rich or she was fucking drunk drunk probably like she was just flashing cash everywhere.
She was loaded. She was loaded. Fucking jackpot. About to be that house husband. We have a
couple of drinks. She's made several comments on how cold it is in this bar. Granted, I'm
wearing a t-shirt and jeans. So I assume she's one of those perpetually cold women with poor
circulation. She excuses herself to go to the restroom and half an hour goes by. Then near
a full hour goes by and I figure one or two things have happened. Either she sneakily
ditched me or massively needs help in the restroom. I asked one of the female bartenders
to go check on her politely and turns out she has OD on heroin shooting up in the bathroom.
Oh my god.
Starts to go creeping around her arm and everything.
Jesus. That was an hour?
Yeah.
Fuck. She was in and died, didn't she?
Yeah.
It's an hour.
I was heavily questioned by the police and even put in the squad car till the bartenders
vouched for me and I wasn't tied to a drug case so I had nothing to do with it. She ended
up passing later that night. Definitely worst first date ever.
Man.
Shit, that's dark.
That's very dark.
I mean like, how do you, shit. An hour is one thing. That's a long time.
Yeah.
Like maybe, fuck. But what do you like, like in your head what do you do really? Like you
don't do anything.
You assume that she probably just skipped out.
You don't assume she fucking OD'd in the bathroom.
Yeah.
That'd be like one of the worst fears, right?
Yeah.
Someone passes out in their backyard and then no one fucking finds them for like three days.
Yeah.
It's like, fuck.
That's a pretty bad date. Mostly getting put in the squad car. Like I didn't fucking do
nothing.
Well yeah man, but they don't know. Gotta give them, the police have to go through the
whole fucking procedure.
Isn't it just-
Closest person first and then you branch out from there.
Yeah.
Well this is a, closest person is her. She did it to herself.
Well they didn't know that. Well you can't eat well.
Well is heroin in your arm with-
You can't be too sure what the fucking, like murder setups. Make them look like she did
heroin. I'm scoffery.
Next one is by, I am not going to try to pronounce that name. I'm just going to skip past it.
This is a racial slur.
No it's a XZA fear ion X.
You haven't done that either?
Exactly. They put, went on a date after talking with someone on Tinder for a couple of weeks.
The conversation online was pleasant and the usual small talk about hobbies or interests,
et cetera. No flags. We arranged to meet in the city for coffee. I arrive and she's already
there.
In the city man? What are you living in the fucking woods?
Or like in a suburb.
It's nothing like her pictures. Catfished lol. I think to myself.
Damn it.
Oh well most people tend to embellish their photos. Let's see what she's like in person.
This is where I fucked up. I get talking and she asks what I'm doing next weekend. I love
camping and exploring and say I'm camping and four-wheeling with mates. She asks if
she can come along.
No it's okay. We only have just met. She loses her shit and acts like we have been dating
for years saying how dare you not take me along. Blah blah blah. I fucked up again and
decided to stay talking.
She asks where I'm going to camp after calming down a bit and I give a rough estimate. Ex-forest.
And she replies, oh that's nice. I'll see you there. I think that's weird and reiterate
that I'm not comfortable with that. To her reply, no I'm going there and I'm going to
kill you. You won't see me coming. As she proceeds to laugh a maniacal laugh.
Man women can just get away with being fucking insane. I know. And he'd be like oh god.
It's like now he ain't going to be able to go camping. He can't go four-wheeling because
of this crazy bitch.
He's going to watch his back close his doors at night. Yup. You gotta tell him, hey man
he's got a man up. You gotta survive. Fucking hits him with her car. It's like oh shit she's
trying to kill me.
Next one is by B Rivers. They put, I agreed to go on a date with an older coworker from
my first job at a supermarket. I was 20, he was 27.
Oh we got ourselves a, wait is she a girl or a guy?
That's a girl.
I was hoping for a little bit of homosexual romance.
He took me to lunch and didn't let me order for myself. When the waitress came to ask
what I wanted to drink he cut me off and placed my drink and food order. I hadn't even glanced
at the menu yet.
Red flag.
He proceeded by saying I needed to meet his mother and brother soon and how we should
get married and eventually have kids.
God dang bro slow down.
Mind you he didn't know a single thing about me. I quit shortly after that and he would
message me on social media every now and then saying things like.
I'm gonna follow you to the woods and kill you.
My vent boyfriend didn't deserve me until I blocked him everywhere.
Jesus man.
You're crazy people, crazy people.
Next one is by Harvesting Eyes.
The fact that they go through life being insane and never go to jail.
Yeah.
Like no.
God dang come on now.
This person puts on our second date he expressed.
They made it through the first one.
Yay.
He expressed wanting a 100% power exchange 24 7 from the start.
Power exchange? What are they swapping?
What are they the fucking wonder twin powers activate?
This means he wanted complete control of me.
What I wore, where I went to college etc.
Wow 50 shades of gray.
Red flag.
I support whatever safe consensual BDSM people want me to do but this is a serious deal breaker
for me.
I think he has serious issues and he wasn't funny.
Was it Jonah Hill?
So she's okay.
Was it Jonah Hill?
She's okay with all the other things but you tell me what to do.
No.
Well that is kind of yeah that kind of goes beyond.
There's like within the context of bedroom.
You can do all that but as they branch out into the real world.
She's not a slave.
It seems like she doesn't mind being one.
Just like beyond you know.
This is what you can eat.
This is what you can wear.
This is what movies you can go see.
That's a little bit too far.
And last one is by murky mouse.
Not Mickey Mouse.
I'm racist as fuck.
Now here's how you know we're never gonna work for Disney if I just fucking mocked you.
We've made fun of them so often.
We've made fun of them with Winnie the Pooh.
We've made fun of them with Mickey.
The Jews did it.
I'd be mad at that one.
This person puts first date with a guy I met on a dating app.
I sat down and he immediately was like oh yes you are hotter than your girl.
Your pictures and you're my girlfriend now.
That was quick.
Came on real strong.
I chalked it up to keenness at first.
Maybe a weird sense of humor.
And figured I'd at least stick around for a drink or two.
Fill it out.
Even offered to buy the first round.
Partly as an excuse to get away from the table for a second.
I made some unrelated comment to the bartender that made him laugh.
And when I got back to the table dude lost his shit.
What are these fucking triggers that get people like Jesus Christ.
Wanted to know what I said.
Either I thought the bartender was good looking, had somehow gotten insta jealous of a bartender
five minutes after meeting me.
Jesus Christ is it Jonah Hill again?
There was no circuits I could drink.
Damn Jonah Hill gets out of guts around.
Yeah.
God the dating market.
It's wild.
Yeah there's some controlling ass people out there.
That's why I work as a gigolo.
It's your stage name.
Stretch marks.
That's your stripper name.
They call me back blood because I just be blown back.
Yeah I go into the mouth and it blows out the ass.
That made me fucking.
It's fucking gross.
I feel like there's gonna be real mad at that joke.
I just thought that's fine after the back blow thing.
That'd be fine.
There's more fun with that than the other thing.
It's all in jest Disney.
I say you guys need a new superhero for MCU.
You got me.
Oh boy.
Randy Marsh.
What banging a bat and a fucking Panagoni.
What is it a pangolin?
Yeah pangolin man when they go hard they go hard on those fucking they don't stay don't
fucking sugar-coated at all.
He's like he was just fucking the shit out of that bat.
Yeah.
They go after Disney as well.
Quite a bit.
So they're fucking rich.
They don't care.
They also went after him with the Jonas Brothers.
Fucking broke the by kill us instantly.
Fucking send a fixer to fucking kill both of us.
Yeah, I found out their fixers is a real thing in Hollywood.
That's scary.
I can wake up to a guy smoking a cigarette in my corner.
I've been talking about Disney huh?
Mickey Mouse walks out the closet.
It's funny.
But the final real quick.
Give me the knuckles.
I get some brass knuckles and beasts out of me.
Like Mickey Mouse is real.
We just don't see him.
He's a fucking power behind the throne.
All right, but that is everything that we got for you guys on Reddit this week.
I've never seen goofy in years.
He started talking back to Mickey Mouse and we haven't seen him ever since.
He did one time.
Daffy Duck has spoken in years either.
No, no.
So I'll just Mickey Mouse now.
The house of Mouse.
Oh yeah.
That was all right.
He killed everyone else.
Pretty much.
But he beats his wife Minnie.
That's not part of her family guy.
That's family guy wasn't it?
I don't think so.
I just made that up.
No, there was one thing where he did.
We just beat the hell out of Minnie Mouse.
I think so.
Oh no.
No, it was Peter making Minnie strip.
What did it know?
It was a cutaway.
Yeah.
It was fucking Walt Disney.
Walt Disney.
Want to be a star?
Oh, there's that one one like Mickey Mouse is banging on the walls.
I can't remember the other one.
He was just going off.
You remember like Brian and still we're trying to rebuild the house.
They can hear the mouse is banging.
It was Mickey Mouse.
Yeah.
I remember that.
Oh man.
But anything else before we head out?
Always seek a stable, mature, emotionally level person to date.
That is very great advice.
Any red flags?
Immediately.
Don't ignore him.
I don't believe there's no way I'd have some woman kicking me in the fucking face.
Don't look.
Don't look at the red flag as if it's the Switzerland flag because it's not peaceful.
By the way, don't give a person a ride home after you guys had a bad first date.
Get her an Uber or something.
It ended up getting kicked in the face by some chick that made her if you hate her so much,
make her pay for her own Uber.
Fucking kid.
No, I gotta be courteous.
Here you go.
Here's your Uber.
I hope I never see you again.
I mean, like she's what they drugs kicked in and she went bad shit crazy.
And then if he fought back, it was her his word against hers.
Although she was on drugs so he could they can do a toxicology report.
Yeah, but in today's world, it's better just to not even deal with it.
So it's better than just fucking keep your hands up.
Take that asshole.
I didn't know.
She's got no fucking defensive wounds.
I do.
We'll see you guys on the next one.
It's going to be ****