Hello and welcome back to Reddit Insanity number 17.
I'm Michael.
I'm Noe.
And we are the Knights of Entertainment.
We got some more for you.
We're going to start off with an am I the asshole?
My nose is so stuffy I think I've been doing cocaine.
So are you the asshole, Fort?
No, I just have a lot of allergies.
Yeah, it's that time of the year.
It's horrible.
The heat's not making it much better.
I'm gonna fill up a slip.
I'm gonna drown it.
I got my own fields.
All right, this person puts this is from FreeScallion2274.
They put, my wife and I welcomed our son into the world earlier this month.
Prior to his birth, we had been given a lot of nice clothes and toys from my parents for
him.
My mother-in-law also made some pretty incredible clothes and blankets.
My wife, her siblings and their mother lived in poverty for a large part of their life.
Their dad abandoned the family and left my wife's mom with a large pile of debt that
weighted them down.
So their life wasn't easy.
My mother-in-law often made her kids clothes versus buying them because it was cheaper
for her to do so.
She worked in a store that had lots of fabrics that they were allowed to take the excess
of.
That's nice.
She always wanted and always puts effort into making sure the clothes looked really good
enough so the kids wouldn't be bullied.
Those clothes are something my wife treasures.
She remembers how much love and effort went into them.
She also appreciates that her mom tried to make them work enough to blend in at school.
That it saved them years of potential bullying.
All these years later and mother-in-law is still dealing with the debt.
She does not have a lot so she made some amazing clothes and blankets for our son.
One of these outfits was even his take home outfit.
But then a couple of days after our son was born she comes over with a bag of clothes
she bought saying she wanted him to have more.
My wife and I were shocked.
I could see she was upset and looked almost guilty so when my wife went to nap I asked
her what was going on.
At first she said nothing and she just wanted her grandson to have more.
But then she apologized for embarrassing us.
I asked her what she meant.
She told me that my parents had talked to her after the baby shower and told her that
she had left all the grandparent spoiling to them.
That she should understand if we never put our son in any of those clothes because really
they looked like the kind of homemade clothes from 70 years ago when people were left with
no choice.
They accused her of not carrying enough.
I told her I was so sorry that they had said that.
I assured her I had never said anything like that to them.
That my parents had no idea what it was like to have nothing and were being judgmental
assholes.
I even convinced her to take the clothes back she bought and returned them to the store.
I then gathered up everything my parents gave us and went to their house.
My parents didn't even try to deny it whenever I confronted them.
All they did was look down on the effort she put into them.
They said we couldn't seriously be okay with those being the only gift from my mother-in-law.
I said we were and as far as I was concerned they were the only true generous gift as she
made them by hand.
I gave them the stuff that they had bought and told them that they were no longer accepting
gifts from them after what they had done.
They were furious.
Today and I reacted too harshly and saying it's an asshole move to return gifts.
I am furious with them.
Am I the asshole?
Real confused.
So the mother-in-law.
I'm just I know I know what happened.
I'm just like man.
It's fucked up.
I would say he's not.
Not really.
I mean it's your parents more so being the asshole than you.
Yeah.
Like if somebody.
You can't put a woman on the spot that's struggling financially.
But we're going to be the only grandparents to spoil them.
My bitch what the fuck about it to you.
I mean mind your own damn business.
I would say if the the homemade clothes look nice and aren't horrible what's wrong with
it.
It's a baby.
The baby's gonna be growing out of them really fast any fucking way.
Yeah.
Like have you have you seen how much baby clothes are like good God have mercy they
make you killing on that shit.
Yeah baby stuff is expensive.
That's why they steal fucking formula diapers all the time.
Yeah.
So I mean you can't blame them but.
So yeah I'd say no you're not the asshole.
No not really.
I mean he was really like he was wind up.
I don't know what that kid came out really well from his parents.
Yeah.
They'd be just an asshole like they were.
But it's like because I mean I grew up poor like I didn't ask my parents for a whole bunch
of stuff like that so I can understand like not having a bunch of things.
Right.
And then for a person to act like well you're only a good person if you buy a bunch of shit.
No.
At least not for me personally.
For you maybe.
In a way here grew up really rich.
Yeah I'm fucking I'm fucking banging yeah I'm sure.
They can fucking water with cereal yes I'm rich as fuck.
He grew up with those golden gilded toilets.
Yeah.
He made it to the top and he fell.
Like it started at the bottom went to the top started back at the bottom.
Next one is by Zinger Zanser.
Horrible name.
All right.
It was our first date and I didn't have any any intentions of making any moves.
Consequently I ended up wearing a accident an ancient pair of underwear.
Really a worn out elastic band.
To make matters worse I bought Taco Bell repackaged it to look homemade.
What the fuck.
You buy Taco Bell to make it look homemade.
First of all you need to wear a diaper before you eat Taco Bell.
There ain't no way around that.
Anyway we had dinner at her place and then settled down to watch TV on the couch.
However my stomach started to feel a bit weird so I decided to loosen my pants a bit.
You know the time of sound that Taco Bell makes in your stomach.
It's like motherfucker.
You piece of shit.
Here it comes.
What did you do?
It's like hell Satan.
I'm like oh no.
It's just that diabolical shit about to come out.
That breaches like the gates to hell.
And just fucking dumps out your asshole.
So I decided to loosen up my pants a bit.
That's when she playfully started tickling me.
Are we fucking?
No bitch.
I couldn't stop but burst into uncontrollable laughter.
I got that mud blister.
The situation quickly escalated and I started shaking uncontrollably.
Oh man.
I got through my pants along with my underwear to slide down exposing my rag of underwear.
Just his mom eating underwear.
It's like it's it's been worn so much it's no longer white.
It's like a shade of brown all over.
It's not even shit.
It's just that color now.
Exposing my rag of an underwear.
You keep saying it the second time you say the same thing.
I can't fucking help it.
It's like a dish rag I wore.
Exposing my rag of an underwear even more embarrassingly.
While I am unable to contain my laughter, I begged her to stop.
It seems like I'm having fun but inside I am uncomfortable and fuming.
In a desperate attempt to make her stop, I released a fart of epic proportions and unfortunately
some watery bits ended up on the couch.
What followed was deafening silence and cringe-worthy awkwardness.
It was so awkward you could literally hear crickets.
We both stared at the mess and then stared at each other.
I can't even look at it.
I can't picture it in my head.
Sharp end take a breath.
She's just like you think I gotta go to work in the morning.
I was so humiliated that I simply ran away from the situation.
To where?
It's your fucking house isn't it?
Or is it hers?
I was then blocked right on communication channels and never saw her again.
Yeah I don't blame her.
And that's a good start for her later.
I took whatever was rag of underwear.
Just fucking left.
Wait that wasn't his house?
That wasn't her house.
Oh man you just fucking dropped some fucking shit stains and damn to you nasty.
Wet shit stains.
Man.
Well she was tickling him.
I just wanted to pop her a push stroke and get the fuck off of her.
I'm sorry I had a bad experience with tickling.
I would have done something.
I have my fucking pants around my ankles.
Like tickle me all over.
Have you ever been tickled on the ass?
Next one is by number 22.
This person puts it is so good.
I mean I just make really good salads anyway.
And I know this is going to sound stupid and silly but it's completely true.
Probably not even a fuck up to most people reading this.
I just kind of feel bad about the whole situation.
Last night I made a bean salad and it's given me the farts pretty badly today.
Yeah that'll happen.
I've been sitting in my room for some part of the day.
Got that mud bite.
My dog is just laying there minding her own business.
I'm not going to lie.
She farts like something otherworldly.
I mean holy shit balls when she farts I have to burn some tar to get the smell out of the
room.
Earlier I just happened to sort of let one out.
And from a deep sleep where she's running in her sleep the dog smells us.
The dog is just.
I'm fucking hauling ass while she's driving.
I gotta get away from this.
Fucking toxic.
Where she's running in her sleep and making these cute little growling noise and stuff.
I wake her out of her sleep and she literally looks at me.
I swear to God if I had opposable thumbs I'd call the cops and press charges for that fart.
Now she doesn't want to sleep next to me and she's in the other room moping about.
I'm trying to coax her back into the room but she's sort of looking in the room around
the edge of the corner of the doorway.
I turned on the fan so maybe she'll come back and relax again.
Damn.
She woke a dog from a dead sleep and it's like what the fuck did you do?
Well their fucking noses are wearing more attuned than ours.
That shit must have been catastrophic.
That smell in her fucking face.
That's horrible.
That next one is by a deleted account.
Oh God.
That's where he confesses murders.
I don't think it's that bad.
Alright so they put, okay so me and a group of friends went camping and there was this
new person that tagged along.
We killed him.
I'm a foodie and we all pile our snacks together.
While everyone went hiking and camping I wanted some alone time and while I was alone I was
eating all the smaller candies and chocolates.
My friend group knows me to do this.
As they come back they're in a bit of a hurry because the new friend apparently is a diabetic
and their sugar is way too low.
Uh oh.
So they go for the candy but it's all gone so I have this diabetic person shaking and
I'm panicking.
We all jumped in cars and speeded to the closest town.
We get a speeding ticket and we scarfed a candy down our friend's throat.
They wound up being okay but I'm petrified and I had to apologize for eating their emergency
sugar stash.
I'm just sitting in the back not saying a word and feeling guilty.
Well he should have kept his candy to himself honestly.
Well he went through everybody's candy.
No I mean like they all pile their food together right?
Yeah but I don't think that was part of it.
Well how would he have it then?
Cause he probably went through the stuff.
Oh that motherfuckin.
Alright next person is by Bushy Beans.
They put, I work as a contractor and was busy sorting out and cleaning up around the side
of a house with an owner.
They handed me a big 20 liter barrel and asked me to dump it out over the back of the wall
into a large area of plants.
Thinking it was some sort of plant.
Toxic radiation.
He's dumping it.
Thinking it was some sort of plant fertilizer I went ahead and did as I was told.
Soon after the whole area started smoking.
I checked the container and it was hydrogen peroxide they used for the pool.
For those who don't know, hydrogen peroxide when mixed with organic matter can quite easily
combust.
I ran and grabbed the hose and sprayed the area like crazy for the next 40 minutes until
the smoke and vapors finally disappeared.
In future I won't be blindly trusting others.
Why did they want him to dump it on the.
Cause they probably just said dump it back there.
Oh they weren't thinking of what it would do?
Dumb motherfuckers.
Next one is by Skater by BHAI.
BHAI.
I'm assuming it's by BHAI.
I'm thinking of the way the word tie is spelled.
Or bay.
Who knows.
Skater bay?
Yeah.
Either way it's a horrible name so you need to stop trying to go for these like elusive
sounding words.
Trying to get people to understand.
It's like some of those vanity plates that people put on cars.
I don't know what the fuck it says.
I know it's supposed to say something.
I had one that said fuh, FBI forensics in like letters and numbers.
And I'm like if you work for the FBI as a forensic analyst you don't want to be putting
your fucking shit on the vanity plate.
And no.
No.
Or you can be like Kramer and get ass man.
That's the ass man.
It turned out to be really a paracologist.
Are you the ass man?
He's like gives them a wink and a fucking point.
Alright so this person puts I'm not sure what to call the central room that leads to all
the other rooms in the house but in my family we call it a fucking hallway.
So we call it a hallway.
So the bulb on the ceiling lamp in front of the bathroom died earlier today.
I switched it to a spare one we had at home.
It was brighter than the previous ones but didn't really mind it.
About an hour ago me and the missus came home from a nice long walk and I jumped in the
shower right away like I do every day.
The missus noticed I hadn't taken my towel and decided to hang it next to the shower
for me.
Like she does every other day I forget to take it in there.
I emphasize on the everyday nature of it because of how stupid the fup is.
So yeah she enters the bathroom.
I'm taking a shower.
The shower curtain is drawn and that's whenever the wall beside me lights up in a bright orange.
I turn around in a moment of confusion only to see her shadow against the shower curtain
which was huge at this point.
For a quick second I think aliens are here to abduct me.
Damn you jumped quick.
I yell what the fuck and try to step back only to slip in the tub.
Fall blue quickly and hurt my arm and my back where I collapsed.
It kept going.
I fell forward three hours.
I'm now paralyzed.
And back down.
A much panicked missus lets out a loud scream, soapy water runs up my nose as well into my
open mouth and for several seconds we are not able to have a normal conversation to
deescalate the situation.
So yeah I'm sitting here with an aching back but thankfully nothing more.
Because they're so stupid they thought an alien was going to come abduct them because
they changed the light.
Well he did.
I don't know what the fuck she was thinking.
She just started screaming.
What I mean if it's screaming on the inside.
Why would I start screaming?
You're screaming I'm not going to start screaming.
Have you met a woman that is crazy?
He has one?
Well yeah my mom screams all the time when she sees a rat or a frog.
I'm like what the fuck are you screaming for?
And last one for today is by Paradox1989.
My god it's Parallax.
Parallax?
You left me buried with Parallax all along.
Then you just edit everything.
Every fucking storyline from here on forever right?
It was me Batman I killed your parents all along.
It would be such a good meme if it was just always reverse slashes.
They actually did it?
This person puts this actually happened today.
The company I work for is sometimes a little bipolar and there is a tendency for us to
move offices sometimes at what seems like a whim.
It was me Jason trying to beat you with a crossbow all along.
For the last month or so large for the last month or so large portion of our offices have
been going through changes due to renovations.
The result of these changes is almost a musical chair quality to who is in what office and
how long they may be there.
So yesterday the newest area being renovated resulted in one of the women from the area
being relocated to the office next to mine.
Now we all have a tendency to be a little sarcastic and constantly give each other shit
about the office.
So today when I walked by the office next door and saw two managers in there with a
recently relocated woman I didn't think much of it.
Then I saw she was packing a box with her stuff so of course my first thought was it's
time for some ribbing.
So I poked my head into the office and loudly said damn they must have not liked you sharing
an office over here if they are already kicking you out.
Those managers immediately got horrified looks on their faces and started making gestures
for me to get lost.
That's when I realized the recently relocated woman was crying and packing her stuff because
they had just fired her.
I felt horrible and immediately slunk into my head and tied my face.
To make it even worse I didn't get a chance to apologize before she left the office.
Well damn.
It's like ah so they are already kicking you out because they don't want you in here huh?
Well they finally found you a bitch Diane.
And they really were firing her.
Yeah it happens.
It takes two to fire come on now one person to fire you.
Yeah but one of them is a bitch.
That's usually how it goes.
It always takes more than one manager to fire you.
Tell that to my managers.
You're fired.
I shouldn't say that because people just leave anyway.
Exactly.
It doesn't take being fired like say yeah.
Just walk out.
It could be something like completely like hard like can you come in to cover this shit
up.
I fucking quit.
Like god damn.
I can't do this shit anymore I quit.
I've worked with a few people like that.
It's like ah son of a bitch.
I had one guy that worked for us for a little bit who the customer was just asking is there
any way to go through this without using my pen and just use it and run it as credit.
I don't know shit about that.
I don't know what the fuck is going on.
He just like he thought I don't know what the fuck.
All he said was yes.
All he had to say was yes.
Just hit this button.
It'll it'll bypass the pen.
Say oh that's on your side.
I don't know.
I got nothing to do with that shit.
He just fucking started a whole argument with the customer for no fucking reason.
That made no sense.
Right.
It made no fucking sense.
What do you mean?
Just tell him yes and hit the fucking green button.
What the fuck do you mean?
I don't know.
I got shit to do with that's on your side.
Such as old old bitter that's his whole life from now on is being you know in retail.
So he's just old and bitter.
Yeah.
That's what happens whenever you don't make nothing to yourself.
Yeah.
You got to go for your dreams.
My advice is if you're in a shitty job stay in that shitty job until you do something
incredible.
Exactly.
Because if you if you get a less shitty job just a little bit better than that you will
just stick yourself to that for the next 50 years.
Like me.
I will grind in this horrendous retail store that I have until I make myself something
to myself or I'll be stuck there till I'm fucking 89 years old and then I'm that guy.
Welcome to the store.
What the fuck do you think?
That guy got shit to do with me.
You got me in the same place.
That's the fucking robot over there.
I got shit to do with him.
I'm gonna just turn into him.
I bet you saw my future when I saw him.
He basically looked exactly like somebody with hair.
In the next so many years they might create something where you can get hair again.
I love being bald.
With this fucking magnificent lion's mane type beard.
But women practically swoon like my god look at that beard.
Got something in it.
Other men always just fucking disbelieve like wow that's a man's beard right there.
You'd be surprised how often guys seem like taken aback by the fucking girth of this beard.
I go from looking at Kratos right with this beard.
Excuse me sir can I ask you a question?
To like if I shaved this beard like hey little man.
Completely different.
Hey little man how are you today?
Can you direct me to the ketchup young boy?
But if I got this beard like oh excuse me sir can you know where the ketchup is?
Over there.
Past Hades.
A beard is a complete like different like it's a game changer.
Not to say I don't really like having a beard.
I'm just too lazy to shave it off.
I'm too fat to shave it off.
I don't want to shave my fucking double chin.
But the minute I lose weight that shit is gone.
I'll be looking slim and fly.
Women are like my god he looks like he's either 18 or 45.
One of the two.
We don't know which.
I look like I'm 18 when I have no beard and when I have a beard I look like I'm like 52
years old.
I do look like Kratos just not as built like him.
But anything else to add before we head out for today?
You guys ever be sleeping and like you're like in that deep deep sleep.
You're not asleep yet right?
Because you're still conscious but you're like you're like in the fucking bed.
You're like laying you're pretty much looking up right so you're laying on your back.
But you're like you feel like physically feel like you're sunk into the bed.
Like you and the bed are one entity and it is usually like oh this is like the perfect
sleep where nothing is bothering you.
Nothing in your life.
Nothing no drama no physical ailments.
Nothing you're just laying there.
About to drift into your sleep right?
The next time you have that dream have the nightmares I get where you're like what if
all of a sudden while I'm laying here in this complete comfort I get teleported underwater
and to fight Cthulhu and then it will wake you right up.
For some reason as I'm laying there in pure comfort I get this irrational fear that I'll
get teleported to a horrific battlefield or something like out of nowhere.
I do not know why it happens but every time I'm relaxing in that moment that happens.
Like what if I get teleported underwater and I just crush I implode from the fucking weight.
Too soon too soon.
Or I get teleported to space and I just die in fucking zero gravity.
You just evaporate.
Yeah I don't know why but anytime I'm in that perfect comfort it's just like you can hear
like a ticking clock like oh here comes the irrationality.
Your brain will let you relax in comfort.
No like it has to create a crisis in my fucking head to fucking drive me mad.
So they need to think about this before they go to sleep?
No it'll just pop up when you're killing.
Like you won't even think you won't even be the furthest thing from your mind and they're
just like it'll just pop up in there.
What if?
And then you can't relax like ah he's trying to use his voice like ah.
It's like when Mars got pissed on.
You'll understand the reference if you know what I mean.
But yeah I believe I am a person that needs to be in constant chaos to function properly.
I would be a perfect spy or a perfect I don't think I'd be a good soldier.
I don't take orders well and I don't want to be out you know being a soldier right they're
like they just love being on the front line.
You don't mean the trenches?
I don't think I could like I don't have the will for it.
I'm more like the guy that'll be like you implant me into a fucking country right?
Just being a normal guy and then I just meet different power people in that country and
I just whisper stuff in their ear that makes them start not trusting the guy that they
were friends with the whole time.
So I just completely destabilize the entire fucking region.
I heard your friend Dan over there he's kind of stockpiling soldiers and ammo and looking
toward your fucking country all of a sudden that's weird.
Well bye.
Hey I hear I got scientists over here trying to you know research new ways to for ballistic
missiles ain't that odd and he's kind of looking toward you.
Well bye.
I just be fucking destabilize for no fucking reason.
Playing on people's doubts and fears and then dipping out like an asshole and watching that
whole fucking region fucking destroy itself.
Go right at him.
It is you.
Basically yeah like whatever like I'll research what they most fear right for like a year
and then I just pop in every now and then and it's like I'll just be like the the the
know I'm a spy.
They know I like oh yeah he works for the CIA but but well how would that work?
Too late now I just told them I'm a spy.
I'm not a spy.
He works for the FBI it's okay.
I don't work for anybody.
He closed in the door.
I don't do nothing.
They can send me to fucking Mexico and I just be fucking whispering and fucking crime boss
his ears.
Hey you know that subordinate you have?
He sure is looking real hungry.
All of a sudden ain't that odd.
You know because you got that you got sick that one time and then he took over for a
little bit and then when you came back he kind of didn't want to give you the power
back but he did because you're his boss but now he's kind of like you know kind of I'm
just I'll see you later.
Have the cartels all fight in them.
Basically have them all kill each other and then just fucking then I eat pork rinds.
Well they fucking want to blow themselves.
You know what I mean?
Like there's a scene in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles where Ralph and Leonardo having an
argument and then like Donnie and Michael are eating pork rinds.
He's like pork rinds?
They're pork rinds and they're watching the chaos.
They're eating pork rinds.
That would be me.
I would just keep lighting fires and sitting back like ah damn it's good to be a good guy.
No more drug gangs.
I guess what I want to say is that I wish I had the fortitude to help the world but
I don't.
So I do.
Just like I.
Basically.
Think about that when you go to sleep okay.
I really went off in a weird tangent.
Yeah it's fine though.
All I'm saying is I like the I like world stability.
I like it to be everything status quo everyone to be happy.
Sometimes they can be.
The fucking stuff in the world goes crazy.
But you got me and I'll make sure you're safe and sound.
Even though I have no fucking way to protect you.
And with that we will see you guys on the next one.
That was a real weird tangent I went on.