Hello and welcome back to Reddit Insanity number 16.
I'm Michael.
I'm Noe.
And we are the Knights of Entertainment.
Apparently he wants to be Batman.
Shut the fuck up and be in here.
All right.
So we got some more funny Reddit Insanity for you today.
First one is by Expensive Highland.
This person puts, so my partner and I have been together for almost four years.
And of course I love her.
She is the woman I am going to marry and the only person I want to be with.
But also not that you'll believe me, but I am straight.
Well, I consider my way.
Way.
It's already confusing.
Yeah.
Cause he's like, you won't believe it from all the, all the homosexual sex I've had,
but I am straight.
That's what it sounded like you get to.
Well I consider myself an ally.
I am not gay.
I'm not opposed to the idea of bisexuality.
So he's gay.
I'm not into dudes like that.
So I don't think, so I don't think I am.
He doesn't think he is.
I just had a really great dream last night.
Last night I had an epic romantic dream.
It was some forbidden love where I was in love with a man.
The dream was seriously like a movie.
I mean it was awesome.
Nothing's not safe for work happened either.
Well unless you count passion and kissing is not safe for work.
But it wasn't a dirty dream at all.
It was just romantic and epic.
Okay.
I would question his straightness.
And as I should be, as I should be allowed to enjoy when my brain serves new movies at
night.
But where I fuck up is that I apparently said the man's name out loud.
Oh boy.
I'll be honest.
Didn't even remember the dude's name.
But my fiance, my fiance sure did.
She asked me about Julio.
Julio?
The man's got that Spanish fever.
Don't worry senor, I'll take good care of you.
Why I kept calling for him last night.
The best shit of my kiss is Lorraine.
Road river.
Down your spine, sir.
Funny thing you just started shouting like pussy boobs.
I know, yeah.
Talking to, what is it?
What's the other character?
Kitty?
Something.
Can I remember that?
The female cat.
I don't remember.
Can't remember its damn name.
But all it reminds me of.
I thought it'd be funny if I said the man of my dream.
I mean, technically true, but she did not seem amused.
So I downplayed it a bit and didn't mention it how much I enjoyed the dream.
She didn't even like that joke.
How would I tell her that if I had an affair with the man of my dream.
How would I tell her that I'm gay?
She then accused me of being closeted and said I needed to sort my shit out.
Because dreams are what the subconscious wants or thinks.
Oh, I see.
So I want to jump out of an airplane with a burning parachute like Tom Cruise.
Like I had my dream last night.
I say, okay.
Okay.
And insisted that it didn't sound like an innocent dream, which again, nothing sexual
happened.
He's going to keep laying back.
Something probably did.
There was butt stuff.
Other than passionate kissing.
And also it was my dream.
And like I told her, I've had dreams where I'm an actual elephant.
I don't want to be an elephant.
I don't know what her deal is, man.
I hope she gets over it soon.
Because Julio will sweep me off my feet.
So like a joke, a joke post.
I don't know.
I could see somebody trying to justify it in their own mind.
It's like, no, I have you ever had a Julio in your dream?
I was a Julio in my dream.
For him.
That was me.
We connected.
Oh gosh.
All right.
Next one's by reverse flash nine to eight.
Oh God.
It was me, Barry.
It was me all along.
You like how I like those.
I was, I was, I was a Julio in your dream, Barry.
All right.
This person puts, yep.
Our worst nightmares have happened to me.
I was in my room about to jerk it.
Like everyone does.
I don't jerk it, sir.
I'm going to masturbate like a man.
I close and lock my door and go sit on my chair.
That's boot up my PC.
Closed and locked.
Yes.
Closed and locked.
Well, you can't close and then lock.
You can't lock and then close.
Or can you?
You can.
Depends on the kind of door, but yeah.
I don't know what the fuck I'm saying.
I lost the brain cell.
Go sit in my chair and boot up my PC.
Ready to wink my weenie.
So.
If he's got to say it like that, he shouldn't be jacking off at all.
Yeah.
So I'm on a website and I needed to go full screen.
And I clicked on the full screen button.
Fuck it.
Full screen.
That's a video right there.
I clicked on the full screen button.
Or did I?
Seems like it didn't because I clicked the cast to TV button instead.
I didn't realize after like 30 seconds.
The worst part is that my kitchen is very near my living room and my mom definitely
saw.
After realizing the cast TV button was glowing, I immediately turned it off.
I didn't even jerk off after that.
I was so scared in my heart was probably beating at 200 beats per minute.
I went down for dinner and both my parents gave me the glance.
The porn that I saw you sick son of a bitch.
They said to go to the room for a chat when I'm done eating.
I'm literally typing this as I'm eating.
I think I'm dead.
I accidentally streamed porn to my living room TV and my parents found out I'm in trouble.
Update.
They were disappointed.
Not angry.
I wouldn't be disappointed.
You keep that shit in your room you nasty motherfucker.
Well they were probably like this is what you're watching.
I wouldn't be disappointed.
That's disappointment.
Not really.
I mean I'd do it and I'm sure my kids in the future will do it.
Just keep it in your business.
Don't fucking broadcast it throughout the entire fucking house please.
Could you not put on a fucking wide screen in the living room.
I would really appreciate that.
Your grandma was here.
What the fuck is wrong with you.
This is my future scenario life.
You've already got a plan.
I'm a man of 80.
I should have been a spy.
I'm 80 moves ahead.
Oh God this one's bad.
Not the story the name.
Messy fucked me raw.
Hell.
This happened like 15 minutes ago.
I was on the toilet when I noticed a bug on the bath mat and grabbed some toilet paper
to squish it.
I thought there was another bug in the fibers of my bath mat but instead what I grabbed
seemed what I grabbed seemed to be a small dingleberry that must have come off my ass
whenever I ran out of toilet paper and scuttled across the house to go get into my storage
room to get more toilet paper.
Might just keep it in your bathroom.
How small is your bathroom.
Just keep enough toilet paper in your bathroom.
That dingleberry must have been there for weeks and I never noticed.
Fucking gross.
I am feeling go take my bath mat to my washer and jump in the shower and scrub my feet.
I have severe OCD and a fear of germs.
So this has caused a massive anxiety attack.
It's taking every fiber of my being not to want to sanitize the whole house and wash
everything.
I don't blame him.
You don't want shit all over your house.
Well apparently he got up and there was shit.
Jesus.
Wait so this happened before the bug thing.
He just happened to notice the dingleberry after the bug.
Yes.
So.
If he wouldn't have seen the bug he wouldn't have seen the dingleberry.
So then I mean if your house hadn't been infected by your own shit I'm sure he would have been
fine.
Like where's these shit stains coming from in my bed and why is it on the fucking wall
in the kitchen.
What the hell is happening.
Like there's not streaks of shit all over the floor is what I'm saying.
No but it.
Him being OCD.
Him being yeah I'm being germaphobe.
Yeah.
I just be like fucking gross there's a piece of shit on the floor.
Just cleaned that one area.
Now he washed it and took a shower.
He's wanting to freak out now.
Yeah the shower I'm not understanding.
You have a sock so I can just take your socks off.
Apparently he was barefoot.
Oh well I always shit butt naked anyway.
I don't have my clothes next to me at all.
I don't want shit on my clothes.
Hey man that's a that's a that's a clean way to do it.
Just fucking fold your clothes put them in the corner.
Dump it out.
Something about having it underneath the toilet is just gross to me.
And he does in some public restrooms too.
No that's why I never go into public.
That's why.
I only piss.
That's why I only piss in public.
I never take a shit in public.
It would have to be the most horrific like a gut punch from Mike Tyson level shit for
me to dump in the bathroom.
There was a sitcom that did that and I can't remember what I think it might have been.
It was probably Seinfeld because Seinfeld has done everything.
I think it was George where he took off his pants or something like that to take a shit.
There was a sitcom that made fun of that and actually did do that where he came out of
the bathroom and didn't have his pants on or something like that after he went.
I think it wouldn't be George Costanza.
It wouldn't be George.
But hey man I don't want dirty clothes.
Next one is by.
You wipe and then when you turn to wipe the shit just drops in your fucking shorts and
shit or your box.
You know what I mean?
You never know what could happen when you're shit involved.
So keep your clothes away.
Those questions that I'm not going to ask.
You should.
Keep yourself clean.
The next one is by Bumfuck Alabama.
This person puts.
Well I haven't won the stupid prize but it is slowly dawning on me that I am an idiot.
I, way too damn old for this shit female, sent my girlfriend one of those anonymous
STD things.
Why would I do such a thing?
Because I just found out it was a thing and thought it'd be funny and wanted to know
how it worked and it wouldn't let me do it sending a message to myself.
So I sent it to her.
After seeing it had gone, after sending it, I was going to text her and tell her about
it because I wanted to see like what the message looked like.
Haha you got syphilis haha.
But then I said wait let's see if she says something to me about it first.
I bet you can see where this is going.
It's been two hours.
She hasn't said anything about it and we are texting having a regular conversation.
Does this mean what I think it means or am I just a dumbass who is overthinking my stupid
decisions?
I am also too stubborn to text and ask why.
Maybe I'll update if she says anything about the text.
So her thought is does she actually have an STD?
Maybe.
She's not saying nothing.
You'd probably find out pretty quick if you have an STD.
There's something you don't like.
Herpes.
That sound like killer.
You can get it from toilet seats.
So I only shit at home.
Why would you even want to do that though?
Why would you want to send a message like this to somebody?
People are stupid.
Yeah.
Like the YouTube prankers that do really horrific pranks and they get shot.
It's just a prank bro.
I know did you see that?
Yeah.
I know that's stupid.
You know what?
I'm going to go out as far as to say he probably deserved it.
Like you don't go fuck with people like that.
Well she did.
Is that the two women?
No, there was another dude that got shot too.
I thought about the STD thing.
Oh.
She never finishes it.
That's just how it ends.
All right.
Next one is by PellaSketchy.
Not hella sketchy, but PellaSketchy.
So it's partly sketchy?
I guess so.
This person puts, I'm a dirty, dirty bitch.
That's how she starts it all.
Okay.
So now, now that we've got that out of the way, you know, when you're not hungry, but
just like to chew on stuff and that stuff happens to be old crumbs on your plate.
That's what I do all the time.
It's a weird habit.
I know, but that's what I do.
Sometimes those crumbs have fallen next to the plate.
Most of the time I don't eat those unless they are big enough to annoy me.
I like my bed semi clean or at least the illusion of nothing being there.
I also have a cat who likes to sit on my bed.
Now this would be a reason alone to stop eating crumbs.
Let me guess the scenario here.
She ate a piece of his shit probably.
Close, close, close.
But I am an unfortunately a dirty bitch, so I keep at it.
Fucker, I'm trying to fix my microphone.
Go ahead.
For work, I teach Dutch online and that was what I was doing today as well.
Before I started, I had eaten a healthy amount of bread and there was plenty of crumbs to
nibble on.
I'm trying to figure out why the fuck is she wanting to create crumbs to nibble on off
of the bed.
How much fucking mess do you make?
But I guess she did.
She said she's a dirty, dirty bitch.
I guess so.
I don't think I've ever made that many crumbs eating bread.
I don't think so.
Jesus Christ, when she fucking crushing it to pieces and she eats it.
Just crush it on the bed and eat it later.
While talking with my student, I was eating some and I noticed a bigger one next to the
plate.
I was like, fuck yes.
Absent-mindedly, I grabbed for it, put it in my mouth and it wasn't crunchy.
It was sandy and coarse and very clearly not a crumb.
Nope, it was a piece of cat litter, a fresh piece my cat brought in from over the cat
litter box outside of my room.
I might stop eating crumbs now.
Yeah, I would too.
I wouldn't be eating fucking cat litter.
Jesus Christ.
It's a little bit like a hard as rock sometimes.
I've seen rock shaped cat litter that we sell it in my stores.
Yeah.
Like why would you even, if you have a cat, don't eat anything off of the fucking.
Yeah.
Oh, it could be literally, it could be cat vomit.
It could be.
Hairball, you never know.
Exactly.
Next one is by Lightning McScallion.
Was out of shaving cream and I figured I would dry shave my legs.
After all, I have dry shaved my face with an electric razor and even did it once with
a razor without any problems.
So it's a, it's a dude doing this.
Cool.
Yeah.
Hey man, you want to be hairless, be hairless.
That's my motto.
Might as well go to a waxing place then.
No, that's painful.
Be like 40 year old virgin.
Just get fucking wrecked.
This is not a good look for me.
I was horribly wrong.
I am not used to shaving my legs and ended up cutting myself multiple times and getting
serious razor burn.
I was already a bit itchy at first, but it got more heated and then redder and redder
afterwards.
The worst part is for some reason I was stubborn and decided to finish the entire leg before
heading to the store and getting shaving cream.
Even though I knew it kind of wasn't going well.
If you ever had or are in a similar position, just get more shaving cream instead of being
lazy and stupid like me.
So the situation is terrible, but let me finish the situation before I alleviate it into a
better situation.
I've played many a game like that.
Like fucking just keep going.
It'll be fine.
Next one is by thatguy19967.
Who?
Thatguy.
Oh, thatguy, okay.
Thatguy.
Yeah, I know thatguy.
Next person puts gents.
Sometimes it's just not worth it.
I hate him already.
They call me a gent.
He's like, where's one of those fedoras and 10 to the ladies?
Madams, my girlfriend and I were having a nice quiet evening.
We're talking nice weather, wine, and some comfy patio chairs, just enjoying each other's
company.
I made the abrupt comment of how were you not taken when I found you?
It was a really sweet thing of her to say.
So of course my brain decided let's ruin the evening when I joked, how do you know I'm
not taken?
I just killed her.
He's like, oh God, this story took a dark turn.
Not that dark.
How do you know I'm not taken?
You could be the mistress right now.
My wicked smile died quicker than a depressurized sub at 13,000 feet.
Oh, don't say that.
We just had an incident.
When I turned and saw her face, she is not happy with me.
And I'm sure I'm not sure how many flowers or Starbucks is going to take to make up for
this.
My wife's going to love this story when I tell her later.
And now I have the privilege of warning you gentlemen to sometimes just be quiet.
That's all.
Have a good night.
How can I talk to that?
You know what I read told her?
It's like, how do you know you're not the side piece?
You know, that would piss off almost any woman.
Next one is by killer of furries.
Wow.
Man, does a man loves him to furry.
He's a killer of them though.
That's what he says he is.
He's a furry killer.
He's by the furries.
He's by the furries of the furries.
He's the one that goes to the furry cons.
Like you just find out the desert just banging away.
This person puts context.
I'm 16.
I've been boxing for eight years, lifting for two.
And a couple of months ago, I started to fight people for money.
And fighting since he was eight years old?
Jesus.
Yes sir.
As previously stated, I fight people for money illegally.
And I started to build up a reputation.
Right.
Started to build up a reputation for being like 16 and oh, because most people I fight
think they the shit, but they ain't trying.
What is he?
Mike Tyson?
I guess.
Jesus.
They are those.
When I, when I'm mad, I see red.
Oh, yeah.
So 16 and oh isn't as impressive as it sounds.
Anyway, it's decent money for my age.
800 to 1100 a month, depending on who I fight and what and whatnot.
Wait, how many fights are they?
If it's like two fights, that's a lot of money.
If it's like 16.
Yeah, like fuck.
I'm fighting 16 people in one month for $800.
So he's going to pay like 50 bucks a fight.
Fuck that.
What he should do is he should have his friend, his friend bet on him on the side and then
they make even more money.
Yeah.
Every time he wins.
I get a lot of people wanting to fight me and whatnot because a lot of people place
bets and stuff.
So I bring in some cash.
There you go.
I really want out of this though.
But the guy running the organization is blackmailing me by threatening to turn me into my coach
and parents.
My boxing coach will immediately kick me out for stuff like this because it happened to
him in the past.
And I fucking Jesus and he'll fucking lifetime movie.
I know.
And he'll white list me from other gyms.
No, my parents.
I'd be blacklisted.
I put white lists.
The fuck is white list going to do?
You'll only be able to be trained by white people.
I guess so.
What the fuck?
I've never heard of white listed before.
Maybe it is something.
Yeah, I don't know.
I would think black lists would be the.
It's the one.
Yeah.
He put white list.
He doesn't know his colors.
I don't know.
It was weird.
My parents on the other hand, wanted me to use my boxing career if I choose to pursue
it.
I really do.
And in the beginning told me that they're they'll not let me back in the house if I
end up in street fights on purpose.
I don't really want advice because I don't think there's a way out of this.
I'm going to try to strike a deal with the dude running it.
Let me do more fights and then let me leave.
Beat his ass.
I'm sorry for hearing me out and have a good day.
So why the fuck did you tell us exactly what the fuck?
I don't understand the purpose of that either, but I find it stupid.
He just had the vent, maybe.
So he's got to let it out.
You get a journal.
You got to vent to the world.
The world needs to know your struggle.
No, I don't.
Sometimes I would know.
Next last one of this Reddit series incognito pair.
Let's first of all, after my husband got out of the military, he decided to go back
to college for a niche degree.
The options for this degree led him attending a very conservative Christian college that
is somewhat frequently in the news for being well themselves, I guess.
That's the background.
So we moved to this new conservative city that is basically propped up by the crazy
college and moved to an apartment somewhat nearby, far enough away that it shouldn't
have been filled with students.
The naivety it was.
We get Internet set up, scroll past the 500 FBI surveillance van names and thinking we
are being clever assholes shrouded by the anonymity of an apartment building decided
on Hail Satan.
And that's where we fucked up.
That's the shit I would do.
Surprise.
We move a year or so later.
We moved to a house in the same conservative city in a neighborhood surrounded by young
families and grandparents.
We moved our Internet over and instantly had the oh shit moment.
It's obvious us the new neighbors who are trying to make a good impression.
Who else could it possibly be with a hell Satan?
They can't prove a damn thing.
I don't give a damn.
We don't remember the password and have been locked out from logging in, changing the name
entirely.
There's no way for us to reset the name without contacting the router company.
We are stuck with it for the time being.
Sorry, neighbors.
I promise we're friendly.
That'd be fine.
I'll say.
Oh, man.
That is something you would do.
People.
But that is all that we got for this episode of Reddit insanity.
Anything else to add before we head out?
I used to be a boxer and I was going to be a world champion, but I ended up blacklisted
because I had to do street fights.
And then you got an arrow to the knee.
I took an arrow.
I used to be an adventurer just like you.
We'll see you guys on the next one.
I had an arrow in my fucking neck.
My guy was fine, but you're rich ass can't take one to the knee.
I've had one in my fucking eyeball.
I've seen that shit in fucking when you go in the third person, just arrow sticking up
your asshole and everything, but you can't take one to the knee, you bitch.
You're a bitch, sir.