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This is what we are covering tonight.
It's fucking spit all over my paper.
We're covering episode three of Blue Mountain State season one, titled Pocket Pussy.
We monetization, let it go ahead.
Go ahead.
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So we basically start in a bar and they had just had a game and they all the player did
horrendous.
The star player Shiloh, the running back, had fucking 24 touches and only 29 yards.
So like he got the ball 24 times.
He got 29.
29.
That is horrendous.
It had to be a truly unbelievable, I guess, bad luck on their part.
It felt like Dallas.
Thad, the captain of the team, the fucking star linebacker, he did terrible too.
They all did bad and they're all fucking upset about it.
So that's the bar drinking their troubles away and it's Moran's birthday and this woman
from across the bar gives him $100.
She gives it to the bartender.
The bartender is like, here, from the lady at the end of the bar.
He's like, oh, $100.
I've never had to just get money from some strange woman for no reason.
I'm like, man, lucky bastard.
Not only does he get $100.
It's basically Moran's birthday.
She gives him $100 and takes him back to her dad's Lamborghini.
It gives him the good old BJ and it's just having the time of his fucking life.
Moran's living the dream compared to everyone else.
So the next day of practice, fuck, I gotta get my notes.
So the next day of practice, the coach is fucking pissed because now the practice, not
only was the game bad, but now the practice was bad too.
So he's like, damn it, in 10 years, I've never had to instill a curfew, but now I have to.
So he's got to put a curfew, a 9 p.m. curfew to all the players.
I need you all in bed by 9 p.m.
I ain't having this team with another shit.
I can't even imagine the coach.
The coach is like the fucking dictator of that fucking football team.
What he says goes and you cannot go back on what he says, right?
So all the players, they're all groaning and moaning like, man, this fucking sucks.
But the coach said it.
So they have to do it.
And they keep each other accountable.
So they all, you know.
So that's cool.
That's fine.
I don't need to go out to get laid because I got a pocket pussy.
And he fucking pulls this fucking thing out of this massive fucking, I'm going to go,
I'm going to just call it the pocket from here on out because I don't want to keep saying.
You don't want to get demonetized that fast?
No.
So he pulls this fucking thing out.
It's in this huge fucking like jar, like a black, like metal metallic cylinder.
Right.
He fucking takes the top off and shows Moran and Shiloh, but the thing's like halfway down
the jar.
So like, why shouldn't it fill up the whole thing?
But I guess not.
So he's like, I got this from my dad from Bosnia.
You ever been in the shit?
He has.
They gave this to me and I went, when I stick my humongous dick in this thing, I think about
my dad.
Basically what he says.
When I stick my humongous penis in this piece of plastic, I remember my father.
That's wrong on so many levels.
It was fucking weird.
So they all, every time someone uses this thing, they'll have some weird fucking expression
to say how amazing it is.
He's like, dad's like, it's like banging a sunset over the ocean.
I'm like, what the fuck?
So yeah, basically his dad gave it to him as a gift.
Fucking weird.
When you find out how old he was when he got it, it's also even weirder.
So we cut to Craig Shiloh's dorm room and he's dry humping his girlfriend and she's
fucking got him on a timer and she's reading a magazine while he's doing it.
It's the saddest shit I've ever seen.
And so the timer goes off and she fucking throws him off her.
He's like, no, I'm not even done.
And so he's so fucking upset and just so fucking blue balled that he's like, if I get a hundred
yards in this next game, you and me, it's all the way.
And she's like, no, you get 225 yards in three touchdowns.
I'm like, God damn.
You make it super difficult.
But he's like, you're on.
So that's the deal between Denise and Craig, which is this horrible relationship.
And I got a fucking score like the biggest game of his life just to get anything.
So that night, Sammy and Miranda at the Goat House and they're fucking they're all there's
a bunch of people at the party.
Right.
The Goat House is like the place to be in this college.
And nine o'clock hits hits right.
And fucking that comes out and throws everybody out of the fucking house.
So I get out, everyone get the fuck out.
It's nine o'clock.
Get the fuck out.
Everyone go get it.
He's just tossing people out this fucking house.
And he's like, it's nine p.m.
Everyone get the fuck out.
So everybody leaves and Moran and Sammy, they go into the into the into the this.
I guess they go inside.
And for some reason, there's all these players circled around this bathroom.
And he's like, they're all like, what the fuck's going on?
And the door the door opens from the bathroom and one of the players comes out.
He's like, oh shit.
Oh shit.
He's holding the fucking he's got a plastic bag, right?
He's like, oh shit.
And apparently he had used dad's pocket.
He had stole it and started using it.
And all the players were using it, too.
One of them is like, it's like paying a waterfall.
And so so they're all like, you got to try it, Moran.
And he's like, no, but I'll try it.
So that night, Sammy.
So that night, basically, Sammy tries it right.
And it's so amazing because Moran can hear him from the living room into his room.
And he just got like, oh, and he comes out like, you got to try this.
It's the greatest thing I've ever used.
He sets it on the on the counter and he walks like, I pulled a hammy.
I got to go lie down.
I'm like, God damn.
So Moran's like, he didn't even think about it for a second.
The minute Sammy left the room, you know, you think like, I don't know about that.
You think about it for like a few minutes.
He's like, well, might as well.
And he fucking grabs it and runs off to his room.
So then it cuts to dad sleeping and he's having a nightmare of his father in the war in Bosnia.
And his father just got shot.
He's like, no.
And one of his one of his friends is like, you're going to make it.
Don't you worry.
He's like, here, take this pocket.
Give it to my son.
His name is dad.
That'll help him whenever he's feeling down.
He can just use it.
That's dad wakes up from the nightmare.
So he's crazy for certain.
So he yells out father, right?
Right.
But it's not his voice.
I don't know who dubbed the father father.
But if you go back and listen to it, it is not that voice that yells out father.
And so fucking weird.
So he gets his backpack.
He starts digging through it, gets a metal cylinder, opens it up and it's fucking empty.
And he has decided that fucking that villain.
He just fucking screams no in the top of his lungs.
He's just fucking devastated that it's gone.
So now it's the next day.
Moran and Sammy are walking through the quad and they're both like really uncomfortable.
They're like, damn, can't believe I got syphilis.
And it turns out Sammy's like, well, that's what happens when 45 guys use the same pocket.
All 45 people that use that all now have syphilis.
They all got syphilis.
And so of all the fucking syphilis, it sounds like an ancient disease.
From Bosnia.
Basically, yeah.
So they all got syphilis from this fucking thing.
They all pass it to each other.
45 fucking football players.
And I guess Sammy, who's the mascot and fucking Sammy, he's like, it's like banging slippery
gold.
That's his fucking weird phrase.
So Moran sees a girl that he hooked up with a couple of nights ago.
He goes up to her, but she fucking completely rebukes him and tells him never come near
her again.
You gave you have syphilis.
You players started apparent because they're all football players, right?
They're the most popular people in school.
So women like them, right?
Right.
They ended up starting an epidemic of syphilis throughout the school.
That was it was so so horrendous that it fucking it was in the front page news.
The fucking goats, the BSU, Blue Mountain State University football players gave syphilis
to him.
So now it's a whole epidemic in school.
So the woman's upset and she fucking she doesn't never come near him.
Sammy tries to talk her like calmer down, right?
Like, hey, my friend didn't get it from a woman.
He got it from a pocket pussy.
And she's like, stay out there.
She pretty much fucking completely disavows him, which is under respectable because, you
know, you got fucking syphilis, you have freaks.
So she leaves and Sammy's like, oh, I'm gonna get you back for this.
Well, he has nothing to do with this is Moran and the girl.
It's got nothing to do with Sammy, but he's going to make it up to Sammy or Moran because
it's his birthday.
So at practice, the fucking team doctors giving out antibiotics to everybody.
Take two a day daily.
So he's handing out syphilis and a box and the fucking coach is confused.
He's like, what, they banging each other?
And the fucking assistant coach happened in 95.
What the fuck is going on?
They've seen so much shit.
They're not fazed by anything.
He doesn't care if they're banging each other.
The coach, since he hasn't seen them before, he just like, damn it, I don't want these
guys having syphilis before a game.
You don't care about them banging each other.
The fucking assistant coach, I love that word.
It just rolls off the tongue.
Syphilis.
So during practice, Shiloh is going hard as fuck trying to, he's trying to, he's practicing
this too fucking hard trying to get laid, right?
And fucking Moran's like, what you were playing like you got 10 pound blue balls.
You need to calm down.
You know what you need?
He's a fucking pussy.
He's like, no thank you.
I don't need syphilis, dog.
I don't blame you.
I wouldn't want syphilis either.
The one person that had the brains?
Yeah, he's the only one that hasn't used it.
So still during practice and dad, he's like, it's really affecting him not having his little
pocket.
So he goes for a tackle to stop one of those running backs and he gets run over, which
is like, that's a massive guy.
So it's kind of tough to take him down.
So the coach is like, what the fuck was that?
And he just berates him in front of everybody.
And he's like, you're my team captain, you fix this and he fucking walks off and fucking
that has a meltdown in front of the whole fucking team.
He's like, you don't mess with the man's rituals.
Who took my pocket?
You don't mess with the things that get a man through the day.
He's just fucking falling apart.
And he's just like, I need it.
I've stuck my dick and balls in that every day before a game since I was 10 years old.
I need it.
I'm like, oh my God.
So there you go.
That's how old he was when he got it.
And he fucking runs off.
He runs off in the funniest way.
Like he's just basically crying.
And they're all laughing.
All the players laughing.
But Craig's like, yo, enough fun, enough jokes.
We need him for the game because he is the team captain.
He's like the best player probably.
He's NFL caliber.
So he's like, whoever has it, just give it back to that.
And they're all like, all right, but I need one more night with you.
Just one more night.
And so there's a fucking music montage of them all, you every player using it and then
passing it to the next player.
Oh God.
Like throughout the day, not like in the same area, but like, oh, it's seven o'clock.
It's time to pick it up.
And you give it to the guy in his car.
He leaves and he gives it to the guy.
So that basically ends up with Moran at the end of the night.
And sad, I guess, has been fucking doing investigative work because Moran's sleeping in his bed.
Right.
And like this fucking shadow goes over him and you just see that laying with him like,
God, no, you have it.
Give it back to Moran.
Like, and Moran's like, what the fuck did you get in my.
So Moran's like, fine, dad, I got it right here.
Don't you worry.
And he goes to look for it in this drawer where he had it left.
Like it's like bang in the chocolate souffle.
And so, yeah, so he's looking for the pocket in his drawer, but it's gone.
He's like, oh, shit, a fucking fad's twitching like a fucking crack addict.
We haven't had a fix in months.
He's just like fucking scratching himself and looking around.
I'm like, damn, you need to chill.
So that's like if you fucking grab Moran and throws him on the bed and gets right in his
face like if that thing is not back in my locker by tomorrow morning, I'm going to let
all my sexual frustration on you.
And he fucking leaves.
He leaves and he turns back around.
You know what I meant.
And he fucking dips.
And Moran's dad's like twice his size.
Moran's like, oh, shit.
So he calls Sammy and asks him what happened to the pocket.
Sammy's like, oh, I need it for something.
And Moran's like, whatever, just make sure it's in dad's locker by the morning.
He's then Sammy's like, no problem.
So Sammy took the pocket.
He went to he stuck into that girl's house that rebuked Moran and he takes her dildo
and he starts pushing it into the so she ends up getting syphilis.
Look, I just an evil motherfucker.
He's like looking dead in the mirror right as he's pumping it in and out.
And I'm like, what the fuck are you doing?
Like you're so fucking concentrated on it.
So it's the next morning and they go to the locker and it's not there.
Moran's like, well, Moran, I guess you're fucked up, didn't you?
You know what's going to happen now?
And Moran's like, yo, I took it to the I told Sammy and he calls Sammy again as he's
tied.
Now Moran's they're in the locker room.
Moran's tied to a fucking chair, like just fucking taped.
He can't move.
And he calls Sammy and Sammy's like, I put it in the locker room in his locker.
So someone must have stole it right after.
And yes, someone did steal it.
Crank Shiloh.
So now Shiloh has the pocket and he has it on the fucking little coffee table.
And he's also doing the contemplation like, do I really need to do this?
Which is last like 30 seconds.
Yes, I do.
And he fucking takes it and he just starts banging away at it in the bathroom.
And his fucking girlfriend, Denise, walks in and she is just like, I can't even imagine
walking around someone doing something weird.
You know what I mean?
So I can't even.
She just, she was, first she was mad, right?
And she said, is that a pocket pussy?
Not only was she mad, she was like, is that a white pocket pussy?
That's what upset her more.
Yeah.
You didn't pick a black one?
So that's what upset Denise more than anything.
So it cuts back to Moran and Thad.
And all the players are around.
And of course, Dad has his lackey named Larry who'll do whatever.
But all the other players are like, Dad, just let him go.
We all used it.
You can't just blame Moran.
He's like, it doesn't matter.
Someone needs to be punished for this.
So he ties a string to Moran's balls and then the other end of the string to a door, an
open door, the doorknob.
And they're like, Mike, they're going to give him a Tia wanted to pull.
So he's going to get a Tia wanted to pull because he never returned the pocket.
And right as they're about to slam the door, Denise walks in with Craig and she has Craig
give Thad his pocket back.
And he's like, finally.
He runs off into a corner, right?
And she confronts Moran and blames him for Craig using the pocket.
Like, I know you're the one that's making my Craig stray away from me.
And you know, I will not stand for it.
So she leaves.
She fucking slams the door, giving him a Tia wanted to pull, just fucking crushes his nutsacks
together.
And then all the players are like fucking losing their shit because they have the empathy
thing where you see someone get kicked in the butt like, oh, fuck.
And fucking Thad goes to a corner of the room and starts using the pocket immediately.
And he just like, he keeps going, I love you, Dad.
I love you, Dad.
You're my hero.
And he's just going off on this thing.
And that's the end of the episode.
Oh, that's how it ends?
I mean, it ends at the bar again, but there's no point for the end.
That was technically the end.
Just Dad fucking the pocket.
And you got Moran's balls busted up.
I guess it ended, the game went really well for them.
After the fact?
Yeah, like the end was Moran's birthday again.
And the chick that Sammy gave syphilis to is now dressed up in like this skimpy suit
to give Moran a proper birthday.
And they're going to go off to her Lamborghini, right?
Yeah.
And Sammy's like, here, you're going to need this condom.
She's got syphilis.
And I'm like, you nasty motherfuckers.
So that's how it actually ends.
But that's episode three of Blue Mountain State.
They get wilder and wilder.
I can tell.
I love you, Dad.
Those nasty motherfuckers.
All 45, all the fucking, I love the coach, man.
They all pang in each other.
It's like, oh, it happened in nine and five, coach.
Oh, God.
Hey, man, football teams get weird.
Apparently.
I mean, look what happened in South Park.
I don't remember which episode.
The cop?
That's not a football player?
No, where he was trying to catch prostitutes.
Where the people that were buying prostitutes.
Yeah.
You don't remember that?
I do.
But he went to a frat house.
I would just say, well, the frats shirt, it's a college frat frat.
That's the same thing.
I'm fucking free.
Same style.
I guess.
Yeah.
See what you mean?
All disgusting.
We're men.
We're all disgusting.
We just have gradients.
Any man that pretends not to be is the worst one.
They get up on their fucking pulpit.
I believe all this sin is just wrong.
He's probably the nastiest motherfucker that's ever lived.
He's the one that's really fucking.
Like the real fucked up shit.
Anyone that's always pretending to be older than now is always the worst one.
That's why I just be a freak like I am.
I wouldn't I wouldn't bang.
I wouldn't bang a pocket though against syphilis like a nasty motherfucker.
I wouldn't do that.
You don't want to go to that extreme.
No, that was a waterfall.
Chocolate chocolate.
That was that was an interesting one.
You say you bang the chocolate souffle before.
Oh yeah.
One of them said it just like banging a bag full of puppies.
Yeah.
One of them said that too.
Oh God.
Is it how do you even know what that feels like?
They had that was the best part was just these weird analogies to banging that over an ocean.
Yeah.
So I'm banging the sunset over an ocean.
Moran, every time I stick my humongous stick in this piece of plastic, I remember my dad.
He has some great lines because he knows he knows he doesn't know what he's saying is
fucking ridiculous.
Right.
He doesn't have that level of self-awareness.
Shit is fucking hilarious.
Just being completely.
Yeah.
100% serious and completely unaware.
I think the maté.
Good episode.
We'll cut off on blue bound state now and I'll find something else for a couple of episodes
and then I'll come back to blue man say for some more episodes for the next crazy extreme.
I'll probably do them like a burst of three.
Yeah.
No, burst of two would probably be better.
It's one two back to back.
Do you know?
Yeah.
Then move to another something else to keep it fresh.
Come back until the series is done and the movie.
Oh God, there's a movie.
Yeah.
The rise of that.
That's scary.
It is.
All right.
Well, anything else to to mention before we head on out?
There's always clean your pocket pussy.
If you've got one, please clean it.
Clean it.
You don't want to flush.
And make sure it's something that's non-you know, don't do bleach.
That'd be funny.
Man, just burn your dick off.
Chlorine bleach.
Fucking chlorine and shit.
This really hurts.
All right.
We'll see you guys on the next one.