Hello and welcome back to Reddit insanity number 15. I'm Michael. I'm no way and we are the Knights of Entertainment
We got some more today I fucked up for you
We'll see how this goes today
I'll give you a today. I fucked up. Oh, this is personal
It wasn't me
But I'm assuming yeah, he fucked up
so
This guy I wasn't here I had just left work
Now working real to retail so you just meet everybody in retail the good the bad you take them all what's that song?
The good the vet you take them all and there you have the facts. Yeah the facts of life. Yeah
it's basically that and
He had a
The my co-workers after I'd left I had left a little later
Like I had already clocked out but I hadn't gone out the door because it was just pouring rain
Like you know that rain where it's just a wall
You can't see like it's just like it was like like the zipper opened up on the fucking cloud. Yeah
And I'm just like well, I'm not going anywhere in this I couldn't do if I had walked in my car
Which is on the parking lot?
I'd have been like I just jumped in the fucking lake like this. I wouldn't you know what I mean?
My phone would have been drenched. Oh by the way a quick tip. I don't I don't have a
Yeah, I don't put a cover on my phone. I'm one of those types. I'm also very careful. I've never broken a smartphone
Knock on wood
Unless someone hits me or something right? I've never I
Had two smartphones in my life a fucking 5c
Forever and it was it was dying
The charge would last like 20 minutes at that point. They sure love to kill your phones
Yes, what their updates?
And I had now have an iPhone 11
And now we never damaged them so I
First ever raining. I just wrap it in a fucking plastic bag from my work put it in my pocket. No problems
I'm just a little life hack if you don't if you don't like they're bulky like and I'm a short guy
So if I put a big add it look like a fucking laptop in my phone my pocket
So
So I had just left the next day they told me that this guy had just walked in
Shit his pants and walked out and left the whole trail going out the door
In the middle of the store
So he walked it
Fuck I gotta go home
So they get they get up to the fuck and they had to clean up the line of shit all the way out the door
And I am so glad I left just before that head because I didn't know I would have had to clean it up. That's
The worst thing in the world too. It's whenever you run into that in a retail situation
Where somebody has shit so bad somewhere and you have to be the one to clean it up. Yeah, that's fucked up
Someone once took a piss in one of those New Year's
Day hats those little top hats
Yeah, our bathroom wasn't working. So like sorry our bathroom is working. The person was offended
Then they just went up around the corner and then when the one of the employees went to go clean up the store like
You know pick up the stuff out of place. She found the whole thing full of piss
Like to the top of the rib just fully you nasty motherfuckers
Like just literal animals literal animals you're worse than animals
For people that listen and they work retail and they know everybody has stories
Some 150 pound guy broke the toilet in the men's room
Like the manager went in and the toilet was laying on the side and the guys like I don't know what happened
And I was like bro
Would you like standing on the toilet and tried to squat squat down not to sit on it?
Because like he was there wasn't he wasn't big enough to sit on it and it's a fight for it to tumble over
Did your asshole blow out so hard?
Yeah, like to this day, we don't know how he broke the toilet
I
Take so little effort. Yeah, even if it's like a little wobbly. Yeah, it's still bolted in
And this guy comes out of the and this shit just busted
The whole fucking toilet sitting on the side
It's fucking weird. Whatever
Retails a horror story
Yeah, we're gonna have to do an episode of all retail stories over yet
Because before my current job I worked in retail and their story. Yeah, there's stories
All right. So the first time we first one that we have is by certain law 2155
The first is he a variant of you lost
I'm you
Your mind
Good movie. Oh man, this is embarrassing which is why I'm using an alternate account Wow
Like like everyone gives a shit. What's your guy?
Let me be honest. Come on. If anyone actually gave a shit exactly
Long story short something happened last year. Ironically, it happened on Halloween. I'd be a
I've been taking codeine for shoulder injury
Only use it three days in a row. They said I'm sure it'll be fine
I said a week later and I enjoy the pain relief but also the mild high. Oh
Don't fuck with opiates kids and no kidding coding like other opiates takes your bowels out into the desert and leaves them there
You imagine having a dry shake about your ass
Everything dry shits are the worst. Oh make sure to drink a lot of water people
My Halloween bathroom trip started I don't like any other it was a Monday
If I'll if you'll recall like a pine cone coming at your asshole. I sat down for the usual three s's before work
Let me guess shit shave shower. Yes. Yeah, I was not well. I was not prepared for the more of us
You
Passing my bowel movement that morning fucking hurt
I won't say much more on the matter other than it being like trying to push a congealed lump of sawdust
or a t-shirt sleeve
fuck
Sawdust is worse than mine
Since then I've had a tear. Yep a tear inside my passage
Yeah, I went to the GP when I saw blood a couple of times and it was confirmed not cancer
Being in the UK and at the mercy of the National Health Service
I'm literally just waiting for an appointment. I would like a gastro
I read online that you can help yourself by alleviating the pressure placed on your anus in other words my friends
Since roughly Christmas. I've been squatting a la India
And going on paper that I then chucked into the toilet
Still no word from the NHS. My wife doesn't know nobody knows now you do but thank God for anonymity
The problem I'm on holiday
Our bathroom is in a fancy ass hotel and a small cubicle where they read the rest of the bathroom has mirrors and basins
And the fancy shit laid out in the open. There's no room for my shameful squat
I come to you live from the toilet where nothing is happening
I think I've trained my body to poo in one specific position. Oh, no
Damn
So he's been
Putting paper toilet paper down on the floor and shitting on the toilet paper and then throwing it away. Yeah, I got the gist of it
That relieves it more. I didn't know that
This is weird
Medical medical tricks tricks about bodies. I guess is actually by the way
I mean if you can't tell your wife then the hell you married to her for apparently he's ashamed
Even even if I was in the game. I got yeah, it cuts all over my asshole
Well, apparently she knows that but she just doesn't know that he's been squatting
I would tell my squad in the fucking bedroom
I would tell my squad in the fucking bedroom. I don't be down the fucking couch
So Amber heard it
Just amber amber took a shit and she's fine with it
I'm just saying you can't be ashamed of telling your significant other anything literally anything. Yeah, or else it's not worth the relationship
Yeah, I can agree with that
The next one is by the weird zero up
This was not too bad. It says so take my dog out for walks every day
I normally let him run free off of the lead and he's a non-reactive dog. You know what?
Yeah, when he's off of a lead it sounds like he's British
Probably. Yeah, it's UK. Yeah
That's an expression they use
Yeah
He does however get distracted and will start speeding up and moving a fair distance away from me
We have been working on a recall, but it's not he's not a fan. Here's a recall
So the compromise we've come up with is I'll shout his name and tell him to wait until I catch him
And tell him to wait until I catch up the dog's name is Max
However today probably be in the last nice weather. We're gonna have in the UK for the next month. They have nice weather
Exactly. How did they ever see the sun?
Great
They're probably what the fuck is that in the sky?
There were a lot of people out and about on our normal walking route
Part of the route goes over a small wooden bridge which crosses a stream
I normally make the dog walker don't ever don't ever cross streams
if you know, you know, I
Normally make the dog walk across with me because it's a narrow bridge and he has a tendency to push people out of the
Way as he crosses that motherfucker. So I yell max wait and just at that moment two ladies were about to walk across the bridge
Oh max wait, they thought like oh these women are so fucking heavy
Yeah, what I could only describe in the death layer I pulled the dog to one side of the bear's man
Let them walk off TLDR. I accidentally fat shamed two women
Damn, that's
Quite a fucking split like a perfect setup of situation
To be too large enough women that it would sound like
Yeah, man, that is Max way
You just can't write that stuff
Real life is truly wild. Yeah, cuz it to me
I actually believe that probably did happen because it's like it's just too fucking wild
Well, it's too normal for it to happen. But also something that you don't expect to happen
Yeah, like because having a dog named max
There's plenty of people that name their dog max and there's plenty of big women around the world. So
It's just bound to happen. I love them all
Next one is by
Yaddle on
Why
Why a DLL a la in egg why edy why a D why a D LL why a D so Yad?
LL LL
Al al a na yeah at all
Yeah, Lana. Yeah, Lana. There you go
She went like
This person puts
No throwaway because I'm a grown-ass man and I don't give a shit what others think of me but here I'm gonna do this
and honestly
It happened roughly an hour ago today. We my fiance and I clean the house out and I had to vacuum and mob
Mop the corridor and the living room. So I did that to the fiance satisfaction. The award was sexy time
My fiance is cutie is a cutie and cares sexy time. Yeah
Don't say sexy time
Yes, we fucked
This seems more about the gravitas
Sissy time. Yeah, it just sounds childish
My fiance is we do our special tickle time. It sounds like the Elmo from South Park
If you're seen that
Stop touching me
I mean tickled on the inside. Do you want the guy that you want to kiss the guy that
Indy
Man they they ragged him so quick
Like he was that way was like it dropped a day before that episode and they just immediately
Built the whole joke around that. Yeah South Park is so prolific and how quick
They can just dish out and the best part too is I don't think a lot of people caught it
But whenever it had Elmo and he put his hand on the kids knee
The girl was like stop touching me Elmo and she'd knocked the hand away, but he put it right back
Man that was a wild episode
This person puts my fiance is a cutie and cares so she bought me some anal blood plug thingy a while ago
Now I'm real confused
Apparently he has a dynamic to the dynamic of this relationship
Now every time I use this piece of shit lol pun and get exited
It wiggles itself out of the dark
Every fucking time fucking and by doing so I have to hold it in with my hand or try with my heel depends on
The position which then makes the girlfriend laugh which then makes me laugh which then makes me then makes any orgasm laugh
So I guess he's into blood plug stuff. I'm ready. Be sure it's a guy. It is. Okay. It is don't worry
Today I finally had enough and rage quit the sex just threw the damn thing out of the bedroom out into the corridor
Gotta love the impulsiveness
Now to the actual fuck-up throw it so hard that it skidded into the living room
And I forgot where it had been before I even knew
It on its before I even threw it on its merry way
So the thing goes and does a somersault and spread its nastiness across the entire corridor and the living room
I had to clean the corridor and the living room again. I'm so fucking mad at this piece of fucking equipment
Well, so by better equipment so he is about boy, huh? It comes out apparently
What's up duck tape over your asshole? I don't know. Let me help you out, bro
Let me
I mean they checked it. It was through it. Check that son of bitch just a little shit, too
Yeah, they had to go clean again
He just got done cleaning like
Yeah, like how nasty like
How nasty is your asshole then again, I don't know anything about both place. Oh, my asshole could be a fucking swamp
Your liquid mud, I don't know I keep it clean, but I mean the inside I mean, it's an asshole. Yeah
Personally, I'm not gonna shut my mouth there. So it's an exit only
Exit only and that's the side. That's what the sign says. Well, the doctor says you got to take these supplies or he's there
It's just across like aha. Hey, she's a cross. I
Think today big big old supplies for no reason. I think I swear just for the fun of it
We'll see if you'll do this is five 13 inches repository. I for what think for medicine for medicine
Next one is by
Throwaway xxxx why so it's another throwaway account. Yeah, they shared love tossing the accounts away
Yeah, this person put my friend and I were on the phone talking about what I wanted to eat since I couldn't decide
He said I should just put a pizza in my oven and I say oh no
It's too hard to get out of bed right now
Then he made a joke about kids in Africa being in mines and that they wouldn't say it's too hard to get out of
Bed to get food he then laughs saying he imagined me being in the mines with a helmet and coal stains on my face
I laughed and said oh no, I would it wouldn't be my dream job to be honest
He then laughed more and said he knows what dream job would be but he couldn't say it and my mind went into the dark dark
humor place
You see my friend is a person of color
And because he made a joke about African kids before and him saying he can't say his dream job
is like
And because he made a joke about African kids before and him saying he can't say his dream job
I was like, oh, you're not thinking what i'm thinking, right?
Right, so he meant stripper. But what did I think?
And I was just like I couldn't tell him because it's too dark and then I thought he was trying to make a dark humor joke
He seems to be a little angry at me
I mean he got the gist of what I was trying to tell him and
It was weird very standoffish and didn't laugh anymore. So yeah, I fucked up
I thought since making jokes about African kids seemed to be okay
He would be he would make a very very dark humor joke. I feel shit right now to be honest
What joke did you make?
Slavery
Is his dream job?
That's that's why she thought it was a very dark dark dark humor joke
Jesus
Is that a dream job?
That's the point. Oh, well, yeah, I mean, yeah
Oh, she was gonna pretty much play off his race exactly because they thought it was okay. Yeah
Yeah, she she engaged that one wrong a little bit. Yeah
Next one is by okay, buddy. Nine nine seven zero. Mr. Mackey
From south far. Yeah
I'm not your big guy. I'm not your back. It is by good every every fight at the end of every fucking sentence in this flight
It just doesn't go
Here we go
This person so before I tell the story this happened last night. So it's technically yesterday. I fucked up
Okay, anyway me and the boys are playing hide and seek in the yard. It is around 10 p.m
Keep in mind that it can be really fun because I have a lot of land and there is lots of good hiding spots
I usually go hide in the woods, but this time I tried something different
I hid in the barn knowing those guys would never find me. I decided to hide in the bathroom. That's in the barn
I realized it's gonna be quite some time before they find me. So I decided to take a shit
Once that's over. I ran man or that person is real confident that our hiding ability. Yeah
I'm just think of a swing dumb because they'll never find
That's some confidence yeah
Once that's over. I realized there's no toilet paper. Good job
I go into panic mode and notice that this one this was this one was messy
So I have to run back to my house just to wipe keep in mind the barn in the house are about 300 feet from
Each other I felt so nasty shit wiping against my ass cheeks as I was running back and it takes about eight wipes to get it
All done
Anyway, that's a damn lie
So you're a damn liar
Take that this short of 30
You didn't lie ain't no guy anyone wipes it eight wipes and didn't wipe their ass
And I did it with the lights off because I didn't want the guys to see that I was in the house
So basically he probably didn't get it all no, you don't get nothing
Around about around a
Half an hour later. They hadn't found me yet
So I told them I was in the barn
But the catch was that I hid in the bathroom and I was gonna jump out and scare them
And so they were searching the barn and I couldn't find they couldn't find me anywhere after this they leave in
They start to believe I lied about where I was then I jumped out and scared the living shit out of them every single one
of those bastards
So the point of the story was basically for him just to say that he shit forgot toilet paper
And had to run back to the house with the shit just smearing across everything that he lied about his wife
pretty much
at least 15 wipes
But in the dark I wouldn't trust
I wouldn't trust 30 wipes in the dark
It's like you just feel burning after a while. It's like maybe
You never know it could be one of those those endless wipes that you can't get rid of
Those are some real bad wipes
Well, I you wipe right it's clean and then the wipe afters like half of the twice is dirty than what?
No, what's up? Where did this shit come from? What the fuck?
I
Was
This extra stuff come from I had to talk to a proctologist because I'm curious about why
It'll be clean clean clean. Then like another way, but we can fully dirty
Yeah, like I want to seem to actually explain why it's real simple you just didn't wipe your ass
Next one is by next music
4077 they put this was almost ten years ago
But I most recently noticed it whenever I was rewatching the videos a few days ago for background
I had sinus issues that had been aggravating me
From a recent flight. I was on stage waiting for my turn to perform and my face was hurting
So I started rubbing under my eyes and around my temples. I've been always to me
That's exactly what the slanted eyes gesture that people use to make fun of Asians is cat
And the girl who was performing at the time happened to be Asian. I'm sure he's yeah
I'm sure you can tell you didn't mean it right while I was doing this
I was dead center in view of the camera. It was super obvious. Maybe some people didn't notice
But that's still a lot of people who probably did no one ever mentioned to me
It no one ever had ever mentioned it to me though. Huh? So he's doing that
I'm sure he's well
I'm sure he up to the new he didn't mean it. I hope it's embarrassing
I
Would say I would want to do that. No. Well, I wouldn't wipe my eyes like that. I've never seen a person wiped. Are you like?
No, I do the back head always
Yeah, but you're you're a normal person. So
This is a weird way to wipe people do it like you're doing it wrong
Next one is by
elucilla
This person puts for context my boyfriend didn't go I grow up with his biological dad
He saw a video of his biological dad with his new kids and it was really triggering for him
That was last night today. I was on a mission to buy him some gifts that I knew he loved growing up
Plus he isn't sucker for gifts due to his childhood drama Star Wars was one of them
Once I saw this awesome Star Wars Darth Vader helmet. I immediately bought it. I showed my friends the helmet
They know his background. We are all close. I
feel
The line that Darth Vader uses a real bad
Perpetence this situation. Yeah, and they brought it to my attention that Darth Vader actually left his son. Yeah
So my boyfriend is coming home in two minutes and I will see and we'll see the gift and at its Father Day
And I just found out that Darth Vader left his son
Also, he didn't leave his son. He didn't even know he had a son
Deadbeat dad put it that way. Yeah, kind of well, no, he would have raised a son in the dark side of the force
I think but in general, I guess it's more of the sentiment of Darth Vader and his son's dynamic and then
Chopped his hand off. It's not a good father big
Next one is by username one
Because they put a bunch of different letters in there
So they put
We're we're in a super small town on vacation
My partner is in a work trip out of state all of the mom-and-pop stores
Open at 10 and close at 8 and the biggest name
The closest big name store is a 40 minute drive away. So I'm fucked until morning
We just arrived
So all I had access to eat today was a plate of peanut butter and jelly for breakfast and lunch
Before finding a grocery store this afternoon peanut butter and jelly or a sandwich
You need a bowl of peanut butter and jelly
Maybe that type of person like I would feel like did you eat a sandwich or I know it's implied right?
But I mean like did you really eat a bowl of it or did you just eat a spoon full of peanut butter and jelly?
Which is fine by me, I love strawberry preserves crunchy peanut butter sandwich on nine grain whole wheat bread
Okay, just make it good
Ate it every day during high school and a bunch of days as an adult every day. Jesus Christ. I know but now I
I picked up some kind of nasty bug and I've got crunchy
Undigested unshued bits of peanuts coming out my nose throat and ass what I also recently
I also recently gave birth and every time I puke my brains on I piss myself
Just add cherry on the top. God dang girl on hour two and everything burns
man
What happened is food poisoning? I think so. Yeah
It's coming out of every office that baby P odd
nut allergy kick in with
Just a random. Yeah, I don't know if it was an allergy
I think it was that she just caught a nasty bug
I just happened to be because I just happened to have it like coinciding with after eating peanut butter. That's crunchy
So it's coming out of every orifice and let me tell you it's not
the before
But damn the during and the after of throwing up fucking you fork
The before is the most horrific shit you could go through in your life. I would say in the process
No, the doing is fine. Just right, but it's going and the after is pristine
But to me it is the before
The lead up to it like it is the worst feeling but once you start throwing up and then the answer it's over
It's like well, it's I can't I can't stop it. Why you have tears running down your face
But man throwing up is awesome
Having to throw up is not but once you're there you're like your body's like let's do this
And with your abs and everything and you're you just feeling I've never not felt great after throwing up
I've only thrown up a few days a few times in my life and they've all been glory
I'll give you one of those pills to make you throw up later. No, thanks. I do not like throwing up
because
Of the up to it the up to the part the it and the after it
Next one it is such a weird thing
Yeah, and I can't I'm one of those kind of people if somebody is throwing up. I can't be around it
Yeah, I'm gonna vomit too
But you'll feel good about it, right? Yeah, but it's not good enough that I want to you know, I mean
You forked
Yeah, I'm gonna throw up
You said that you forked. Yeah, but not you were fork enough to deal with the build up to it
Yeah, like that all that like gagging and you're just like you're trying so hard and it's funny cuz you try
Yeah, like you just see you don't want to and then you do it and then you're like it all systems go
Like I've tried it's so weird throwing up is a weird thing yeah, it's something I don't like to do no
Yeah, the body sure does love it as is happening
The only time that I you feel better after it for myself is if I have a migraine
You get the nausea with the migraine. Oh, the migraine goes away after
That's good, but this is nausea before it's just it's the most yeah, you get the vertigo and everything
Yeah, it's not fun
last one
By JT to 117 this person puts today affected by taking a shit at the dentist a
Little a little bit of a backstory the dentist is a family member of my wife's so this makes it even more embarrassing
Yeah, they'll get over it
I've also been eating far too many artificial sweeteners lately because I'm trying to drop some weight
So that's probably the culprit. I took a shit before the hour drive over there
It was awful one of the most worst smelling shits. I've ever taken oh man man
When you have like a really like when you're like you can't stand the smell like yeah like people we all have an immune cyst like
An immunity to our own shits like base like a normal person right? Yeah, you can you can look at it
You can stand it you can smell it like fine
But like when you yourself it cannot handle the smell of your own shit
You know they truly a fucking demonic
Spa that has leaked from your asshole. I
Got about halfway there and realized that I had to take a shit again
But I was running late, so I didn't have time to stop I opted to take a shit at the dentist office
I took my shit, and I realized it smelled terrible yet again truly offensive the bathroom is next to the x-ray machine
Which I didn't realize this is the first time I've been to this office
So I didn't realize I would have to face this shit again when I got my 3d x-ray damn
The dental assistant complained of the smell near the bathroom saying that it smells like sewage
X-ray that artificial sweeteners hit hard
They're currently looking in to see if they can get if they have a sewage issue
Parts are embarrassed to say it was me. I'm pretty sure they're calling a plumber out of our talking
I think you have solved this by stopping at a gas station on the way and leaving earlier
I could also solve this problem by fessing that up and letting them know it was me
But this family member slash dentist is super cool
And I don't want him to think less of me as I'm writing this I
Doubly fucked up because the dental assistant just walked past it past the exam room, and I'm pretty sure she saw me writing this post
Geez I doubt she paid attention. Yeah, I highly doubt that but if it's so bad that they were gonna call off
a
plumbing technician it's like oh god, they're sewer
The fucking plumber comes in right he takes his whiff like Mike
I haven't seen us haven't smell a stench this bed 45 years my god
They must plumbers must smell some horrendous
toilet like some
absolute abominations
Chernobyl
Crash point going there with one of the gaffer. Yeah, like my god. We got to take this shit out. I
Don't get a paid enough to do whatever I got would never be at anyone's fucking sewage system cleaning it out or fixing it
I don't want to be around people's pissing
Shit, I can't even like I can fix my own problem plumbing issues within my own house
Yeah, and I'm willing to do that because it's my own stuff
But going into somebody else's house to do it
No, I could know
No, I like what if like the fucking like get lady they work on still right fucking water sprays up a hit some
Just fucking toilet water. That's happened. I guess what I'm saying like I could not even handle that
Yeah, there's a couple of videos on YouTube about them showing a
Them unclogging a clean out on the outside of a house
Uh-huh, so they go to go reach in to clean out whatever's stuck in there
Yeah, they pulled it out and it's got pressure behind it. So it
It blows up in their faces so they get shit. Yeah all over them
Now where it has man suits and everything. No, why not?
That's a one time. I would be wearing
No, they're not wearing has bad suits and then there's like there's a bunch of videos to out about
I'm like the septic systems and stuff like that when gases start to build up in them
I like those videos where like they're cleaning pipes out and like a bunch of muck and mud comes out, right?
Yeah, like like like just like a just a long line
And then like it like if the last bit comes down a bunch of water pours out that shit is you fork to see as well
Something about that is just like nice for you know, like it's I don't know why yeah
Like you just see it like you like it's being clean. I guess yeah
The cleaning process like it makes you feel like a good shit. Yeah, basically. Yeah
I guess it's just like you just pouring out you can relate to what you're saying. I've had some good shit
Just like Randy Marsh, I wouldn't say his level
Had a fucking human side shit
Wasn't the first one like a football. Yeah, and then he ate a bunch of shit
To get built up the fiber and then like he couldn't get it out like it's really impossible to get that shit out
And then he did a pair of I don't know what happened
Cartoon magic basically I should like you he was spinning him on the top of him little shit
He was spinning up the shit
It was so fucking
But that is everything that we got for reddit insanity this week and we will see you guys on the next one
Adios