Last time on Crown of the Kobold King, our heroes defeated a group of Kobolds and managed
to keep one alive for questioning.
In the next room, a timid voice called out to them.
After investigating, they found a halfling named Edgar Singsong who had been a captive
along with others and tried to escape.
The team learns from Eddard Rengale that the others are the missing hunter that the Sheriff
is looking for and the town butcher.
Our heroes then bind and barricade their Kobold captive in a kitchen and decide to press forward.
They hear a blood curdling shriek from another room and to their horror, it was a Kobold
being eaten alive by dwarven ghouls.
Our story continues now.
In the remnants of this ancient dwarven slaughterhouse, three emaciated dwarven ghouls stand slavering
before you, fresh blood oozing out of their elongated jaws and sharpened teeth, trickling
down their now rust-colored beards, their long, slender arms touting fresh organs held
together by sharp elongated claws.
They drop what remnants of the still-twitching Kobold they hold in their hands.
They howl in a rage and their glowing eyes fix upon you.
Here we go.
Scare them.
Well, well, well.
Monet and Routemort at the doorway.
Routemort in fear reaches for Monet's hand.
Slaps it away.
What are you doing?
I'm scared.
I'm very terrified.
First thing first, Scarab's gonna take his ten...
Ten bases.
He's gonna move further back away from the danger.
You're a paladin, aren't you?
Just right up your...
No!
I'm a... a clerk.
Even more up your alley.
It very is, but my alley is scary right now.
Spending a long time talking about Routemort's alley.
Scarab's gonna fire on the one that's in front of Monet.
Please kill it!
Twenty-three to hit.
That's a hit.
Hell yes.
Good shot.
Max damage.
There's gonna be... thirteen piercing.
Scarab will then reload the
weapon and fire a hit.
Eleven to hit.
That is a miss.
Nice.
That'll do her.
You're done good.
Routemort.
Here we go.
Routemort is going to cast a three-action heal spell.
Ooh.
Oui.
Thirty-foot emanation.
That is two D eight.
He knows what these things are.
Fuck.
That's a one.
So eight... what is it called?
Spiritual?
I think so.
Spiritual damage.
Eight spiritual damage.
As your glowing light of Toraag extends from your body, you watch it envelop the three
ghouls who immediately shriek and writhe in pain, one of which immediately evaporates
into ash.
Yes!
The one shot by Scarab was weakened just enough that your holy energy reduces it.
Back from whence it came.
They all get fortitude saves.
Good to know.
Or they go to heaven.
Sorry.
I suck.
No, I should have told you that.
14.
DC 19.
Okay.
That was the one that evaporated, so that's good.
That went to heaven.
Natural 20.
Damn.
Oh, damn.
Straight to hell.
Third one failed with a six.
Nice.
Going to heaven.
Okay.
And what was the damage?
It was eight, right?
Eight.
So one of them does not take it and the other one do.
That is it for Rootmore's turn.
Which one of the...
Okay.
The one the red mark took the hit.
And the one that did not is the one to go next.
As it recovers from the shock of your magic, it drops to all fours and sprints towards
you, Rootmore.
That's so gross!
Taking a diving slash at you with its long, gnarled fingers.
Stop!
Wait before you say anything.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
I might have something here.
What am I waiting on?
A thing that I was going to see if I was going to use it.
I don't think you can do reactions if you haven't gone yet.
Okay, cool.
Never mind.
Okay.
Well, you can, but it's up to your discretion.
Like, if you feel like she's ready for a reaction.
Yeah, I don't think so.
Considering you guys burst open a door, this is all kind of a shock and surprise.
The ghoul lunges through the air, its claws flashing aiming to gouge your soft bits.
His arm flies towards your throat for a 22 to hit.
All of me are soft bits, but I will raise my shield to make a 23 AC.
Okay, you bat away the ghoul's attack.
And as it lands at your feet, it will spring up and attempt to slash you.
No, actually, it will attempt to bite you.
Gross, please stop.
As it springs up to attempt to bite you, you reflexively move your arm in the way and its
gnarled and rotting teeth collide with the metal of your plate and it gnashes against
your arm, dealing no damage.
No damage.
Next is the other ghoul.
No!
Who will spring over the pile of ash that was its companion and attempt to slash at
Monet.
I don't think so.
That is a 19 to hit.
Get that shit out of here.
No, no, no, no, no, no way.
Did that hit?
Yes.
Several of its fingernails snap off against your stone skin.
Oh, poor guy.
It will try to bite you as well.
But cannot.
Very good.
Stony skin.
Monet it's your turn.
Monet will summon a ball of metal shards in front of her and do a two action elemental
blast at the one standing in front of Rootmore that hasn't taken any damage.
That is 22 to hit.
That's it?
Yes.
Girlet.
Well, I mean, it hasn't taken any damage, so probably not.
Probably not.
That's nine damage.
Piercing.
And she will go to do one more.
Minus ten.
It's an eight.
So.
Damn.
All right, he goes back around really quick.
All three of you roll me a perception check.
Oh, I'm pretty good at those.
It's always right when you say that.
Twelve, if that matters.
I don't mean scarab.
You actually cannot see anything from where you are.
So none of you notice.
Do I hear something?
No, you don't.
Rootmore, you don't see what happened, but on the eastern portion of the room, there
is a door and you notice it click shut.
Door clicked shut.
By the way, that kobold on the table is probably dead, but I did do the heal emanation.
I did.
It was emanation, and if it was alive, it would have gotten eight.
It is dead.
They had its guts in it.
I figured.
You know.
You know, ripped open, exposed ribcage.
But you know magic healing, who knows?
All of the guts come out of their stomachs, back into the.
Magic is very crazy.
Only off chance.
No, that's fair, and now it is scarab start.
A door closed? How did the purple kobold get past these abominations?
You imagine? Really good stealth.
Ah, what is stealth? I don't know what that is.
Apparently.
Yep. Skirb is going to reload and again fire at the one in front of Monet.
Carvel. Easy. Off with his head!
Not you. 22 to hit.
Roll damage.
11 piercing. Oh baby.
Jesus. What are you going to do when I fart?
Roll damage.
Jesus!
Oh my gosh.
Hang on a second.
That's how I react to any sound you make.
I know.
Jesus.
Monet, you feel a rush of hot air whizz over your shoulder as a bullet collides with the
ghoul directly in front of you, sending it sprawling.
It's still up, but it looks in very bad shape.
Yeah, dang old doorway fights. You know what I'm saying?
Yes.
I've had a lot of those.
Rue Mor.
Well, I reload. Final action.
Now Rue Mor.
Hey Ed, you going to do anything, buddy?
Oh, I forgot to roll initiative.
I'm sorry.
I forgot to add him in.
God's really trying to get this fight over with.
Typical.
Sorry, Mr. Scarab.
Quickly throw your rocket at the one I just hit.
I'm sure it'll die.
Let's see where he goes in.
That's my bad.
Oh, he got really good initiative.
You know what?
He actually goes after you now.
Wow.
So we'll go ahead and do that.
Edgrim looks like he watched the Lord of the Rings and Legolas was a good guy.
I'm going to go ahead and do that.
Edgrim looks like he watched the Lord of the Rings and Legolas was his favorite character.
I'm going to be just like him when I grow up.
Oh, he would have remembered his name.
That's pretty cool.
Like Frodo at the end.
Yeah.
When he gave him that weird look and he was just like, oh, you...
OK.
Edgrim's going to try to sling a bullet at the one in front of me.
Almost a natural one, but it wasn't.
Come on!
Shoo shoo shoo shoo!
Kills himself!
Sling wraps around his neck.
That one is a miss, and so he will attempt to do the same.
Are slings a reload zero, huh?
Yes.
Okay, so he's just gonna shoot again.
Pop pop pop!
And miss.
Why not?
He's gonna do a third, and miss.
You're doing great!
Seven, three, nine.
You gotta get like little tink tink sounds.
You're right.
Flink-a-ding!
Flink-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding.
I'm not used to this, Mr. Scarab!
And now it will be Rue Moore's turn.
Well you didn't hit us, and that's what's more important.
You get a sound drop of a bag of marble spilling.
Oh shoot, let me pick these up!
A vicious swing on the one right in front of me.
Kill him!
Oh good.
Twenty-three.
Roll for damage.
Two D ten.
Is he gonna call Monet Mr. Monet?
Let's plant it on it.
With tears in his eyes.
Thirteen hammer damage.
Damage type hammer.
Sword has hammer damage.
Spells have hammer damage.
The hammer collides with the ghoul's skull, propelling its head down into its chest cavity
as it slumps to the ground dead.
Oh fuck yeah.
Like a ninja turtle!
Let's attack the other one with a minus ten.
Eh, we don't have anything better.
Actually, he reaches over and casts Guidance on Monet.
And that is Rue Moore's turn.
The injured ghoul drops low to the ground and its body contorts unnaturally before it
springs through the air.
Avoiding any potential reactive attacks, it lands opposite the side of the dead kobold.
And you see it begin to dip its clawed hands into the entrails of the kobold as it feasts
hungrily and as it does its wounds appear to close.
Nasty!
Stop!
Yucky!
Stop doing that!
What the hell is wrong with you?
Combat's over, he's friendly.
It's fine.
Have you tried hot dogs?
You should cook that first!
Starts slapping at its wrists.
Seriously man, you're going to get sick!
Let me heal you!
Someone get this man a doctor!
He's going feral!
This man has poor taste.
Bad table manners.
He's got that long Covid, he'll eat anything.
Maybe I wanted some of that, he just stuck his fingers in it!
Food's warm!
His eyes glow with renewed vigor as the creature turns back to you, now covered in a fresh
coat of blood, before it begins to slink in a predator-like fashion closer to the door.
And it is...
Oh you creepy asshole, why are you hiding around the corner?
Monet's turn.
Where?
Wait.
Oh, there he is.
There he is, there he is, there he is.
Um...
He's poking his head around the corner, Scooby Doo style.
Kill it!
Monet will step forward.
You almost said your father's gate character.
I did.
Just type it out.
Just type it out on your screen.
Monet, Monet, Monet!
So when you play Baldur's Gate, do you speak out loud?
No, it's just, I've been playing with my friend, and so I talk to him about my character.
Do you guys roleplay?
No.
We are starting one where I'm...
So disappointed.
What are you doing then?
We did just...
We did just start a campaign where I'm going to be playing Nathan and I will be roleplaying him.
Cool!
Yeah, yeah.
That feels good.
Buh-bye.
Anyways, Monet will take a step forward and...
Summoning her metal shards in front of her, she will make them into a glaive as she slashes towards the ghoul.
Will it hit?
That is a 25 to hit.
Oh, that is a hit.
Wow.
That's pretty cool.
The coupons dragging a plastic bitch around!
I just typed in magic.
Nine damage slashing as the glaive connects with the ghoul and shatters into metal shards.
You decapitate the ghoul and it falls on you.
Yeah!
And you are out of initiative.
Anybody hurt?
I don't think any of us got hit.
That was fun and gross at the same time.
What the hell is going on here?
As you take a moment to take in your surroundings, now you can see that this room was indeed some sort of slaughterhouse.
There are still rusty hooks hanging from small chains in the roof.
There are also small channels cut into the floor meant to channel the blood, as it were, to a large drain in the center of the room.
They are still stained a dark rusty color, though it's been that way for who knows how long.
The two tables, the slaughter tables in the center of the room, share the same rust-colored pallor to them.
Yeah, what do you want to do?
This place is fucked.
Scarabwood number one glances over that cobalt. Is it the purple one or not?
It is not. It appears to be the other red kobold warrior that fled from the fight in the cafeteria.
This is what that leader kobold was talking about when he said attack on two fronts.
It was us and these. And he points towards the ghouls.
So I guess these are coming from deeper in the mine?
I can't believe we're living here with these things.
Oh, there are many darknesses within the mountains.
I'm curious why they would run here further.
Are these ghouls followers of Toraag or Droskar by looking at them?
Roll me religion check.
Religion.
I can aid.
Oh, fantastic.
Sixteen to aid.
Twenty-one.
Though much of their ancient armor remains in shambles, you do make out on a few of them the emblem of a fire beneath a stone arch, the telltale symbol of Droskar.
Well, less bodies we have to bury. Just kind of kicks them away.
Disgusting.
So do you think they're cursed by Droskar or Toraag?
Droskar, Toraag would never do this.
They don't like to destroy their oppressors?
Well, according to the...
Dictionary?
According to the dictionary.
Droskar, the way they believe is toil or die.
These probably decided to take a day off.
And they died.
Yeah, but they're here again. That's pretty efficient. To be dead and to toil.
No, they're not here. They are abominations.
What a mess.
Does Droskar support necromancy?
Or is this coming from another source?
You don't know or have never heard of Droskar's followers committing themselves to the necromantic arts.
That seems pretty strange. Although you do know that Droskar believes in toil by any means.
So, yeah, not really sure what's going on there.
But definitely not the first sign of undead that you've seen so far.
But it also begs the question, if this is the work of the Kobolds, then why are they a threat to the Kobolds?
Right.
So either the work of the Kobolds and it went wrong or something entirely different is going on.
Well, here's the issue. We've seen undead Kobold. I have at least.
Undead Droskar. And undead Toraag.
Whatever is in here has no ally.
Right. Something. With all that information, it's something completely different.
Anything useful in this room with a perception check.
Take a little gander around as well.
Poohoo balls. 14, 17.
Looking around, you don't find really anything of interest.
There are no leftover tools.
The room is mostly barren and whatever the Kobold had on him has been ripped to shred by the ghouls.
Their armor is in complete disrepair and unusable, and they carry no weapons.
Well, I do see a closed cell over here.
Mm hmm.
Yeah, on the back wall, there are several pens that appear to have once held livestock.
Now they are empty.
Is this one locked or unlocked? I'm standing in front of.
Out of the way, out of the way.
Okay.
Tricky, have you been here?
Skirb wants to look in there. Any sign, any signs of his old pig.
Move, Rune, move.
Where am I moving?
Get out of my way. I need space.
Go right here.
Please.
Maybe back here.
Further away.
Oh, okay. I'll go back to Falcon's Hollow.
Thank you.
You heard him, Gale Song, get out of the way.
I need to think.
Oh no, I lost him underneath the body.
Damn, he pushed a whole ass body out of the way.
Skirb, as you look through the cage, there are several discarded remains of various animals.
You see like cow skulls, even horse heads just kind of piled about.
Most of the bones left behind are those that are not, how do I put this, not what they would normally store for food.
So you see several like horns or discarded heads, hooves, things of that nature.
However, you do in the corner see the remains of the head of a large boar.
Oh no.
Yeah, Skirb's going to fall to a knee.
Is it his pig?
He would know.
It's your pig.
Oh no.
How could you?
Oh no.
How could you do this?
Skirb's going to look at the pig that has been with him.
He's going to turn away from the cage and walk towards the pig and grab it by its jowls and look at it.
And nose to nose, Skirb's going to stare it in the eyes.
It is you.
You'd see like a sense of relief from Skirb, his shoulders drop.
He lets out a breath.
Come, Tricky.
Come on, we got to keep moving.
Your little Tricky snorts happily and plots along behind you.
Well, not so little anymore.
Oh, anymore.
Hey, hey guys.
Nothing to see in here.
Let's get moving.
I forgot what it's called.
Sense motive.
Just to see, you know, just to see, notice if you're sad or not since you're blowing it off.
I've got a plus 11 perception.
Tears streaming down his face.
I'm completely fine.
No, you can tell you can tell he's sad, but in that in that moment there would be like a weird, weird something a little bit magical just happened with his with like something was like a bond was finally made.
So he does.
He's sad, but there's like a relief.
Okay.
Yeah, route more won't bother you about it. He'll, he'll address it later.
Yeah.
Basically, I think my whole operation is screwed.
Cards gone.
And that was my pig.
Oh, I'm sorry, scrub.
Bad things happen.
We move on.
This grotesque stinks.
Yes, it's horrible.
Speaking of stinking and being gross.
Let's wait here for 10 minutes.
I'm trying.
Now I don't think I've used a resolve yet.
Route more will use one.
Unless something barges in within the next 10 minutes.
Yeah, I'm going to use a resolve to get my stamina full.
Sorry about your larger pigs, scrub.
Pig here has been a lifesaver.
You're lucky to have them.
That's the thing, you know, staring down at pig.
Tricky.
I don't think I get much choice.
But from now on, this, this is tricky.
A friend and companion and no longer on the menu.
It is a bit tricky, isn't it?
No longer on the menu.
How can you have your cart back if your pig's dead?
It's a tricky situation.
I think I lost everything, bro.
Except for pig.
Tricky.
You haven't lost.
Very tricky.
Yeah, you haven't lost everything.
Route more scratches Tricky's chin.
There's more yet to be found.
Like Ed's friends.
Ed's best friends.
Lost.
And our ticket out of that town.
Our ticket, our ticket to saving the police.
Door crusher.
Going to tear that door down.
We're going to be heroes, Tricky.
Oh, uh, me.
You were talking to me.
Yes, yes, yes.
Let's let's check this thing for traps.
You know these are tricky.
Right.
Crush that door.
Twenty five traps.
Oh, yeah.
No, I was just mouse traps all over the handle.
Twenty five traps.
I see.
I rolled a twenty four.
Oh.
I rolled.
Dang.
There's a mine.
There's a rat trap.
There's a tripwire.
There's a steel peg.
There's a wooden peg.
There's an iron peg.
There's a whole ass guard.
There's a man standing here like saying a country pass.
As you check the door, you do not detect any traps.
You can hear what sounds like more draconic coming from the other side of the door.
Hmm.
Our quarry.
As you open the door.
Okay.
Rootmore gets things rolling.
I appreciate that.
Oh, there's a lot of dudes.
It is indeed a lot of dudes.
I see you.
In a moment of perception.
There they are.
There's the purple one.
You threw a dagger at me earlier.
You're an asshole.
Gently hands dagger back.
Okay. As you open the door, you see a large stone room with a circular pit in the middle, about 10 feet in diameter.
Hanging from above is a large chain, several chains kind of cobbled together, suspending a large cauldron over this pit.
Inside the pit stands that very same purple cobalt you've been chasing.
As the door is opened, he looks up from the cobalt leader he was speaking to, sneers at you and says, so long, idiots.
And the chain begins to descend down into the pit.
You're prolonging the immovable.
Four cobalt warriors immediately shore up in front, taking positions, defending the pit and behind them, a slightly taller cobalt scout points in your direction.
Get them!
Roll for initiative.
Here we go.
Caught off guard.
Would you get Scarab?
Carry the one.
Where are you taking it?
We need that one.
Give it back to me.
We don't. We don't need the one.
16.
Monet.
I got a 12.
26 for Ed.
Save us, Ed!
My natural 20 gives me a 31.
Wow.
As the four warriors take up their positions surrounding the makeshift elevator, you see the scout standing next to a now activated lever.
As he points and commands the others to attack, Rootmore, you are quickest to respond.
Yes!
Good, Cody. So, there's a pit.
Purple guy is in the pit.
Yeah, he was... we saw a... like a cauldron suspended by chains.
He's in the cauldron.
Which is descending down the... it's a makeshift elevator.
Okay.
And he went down the elevator.
Thoughts...
Alright.
Well, that guy's screwed.
So, Rootmore, standing there.
He squats fists in front of him.
And he casts Bless.
Bless, if you're within 15 feet of Rootmore, you gain a plus one bonus to attack rolls.
Beautiful.
Stay near me!
So cool.
Now...
Is that a single turn?
Or two actions?
Or, I mean, uh, for us.
Or is it period?
It's an emanation, so...
It stays there for one minute. If I spend an action to sustain it, I can extend it by five feet.
And it does a plus one.
Plus one to attack rolls.
Well then, 15 feet of Rootmore.
And he's going to...
I wonder if I can put an aura on him.
You can.
You should be able to.
You can.
That's it for Rootmore's turn.
Two actions for the Bless.
One action stepping into the room.
Edgrin will step up five feet behind Monet and attempt to hurl a sling bullet into the room at the first kobold.
Think of your friends!
First one misses. Barely.
And his second shot misses as well.
Oh my god.
That scared me.
Sorry.
I didn't know that was going to be like that.
It was like behind me.
Oh, you know what? I forgot about the plus one from Bless.
The first bullet would have been a hit, actually.
Oh, neat!
It's a plus one to hit, right?
Yes.
Not to damage?
Not to damage, just to hit.
Max damage.
Ah!
The sling bullet flies into the room, knocking the first kobold off the head.
And a thick trickle of blood begins to ooze over its face.
Good shot!
Hell yeah, Edgrin. Hell yeah.
Wait, did it miss Rootmore?
Yes, you did. Keep doing it! Keep doing it! We need you!
The scout in the back scowls in your direction and takes aim as he levels a crossbow.
And he is going to attempt to retaliate, to shoot past Monet to hit Edgrin.
You bastard!
He'll get a plus one to his AC because of cover.
But Edgrin is hit.
The shot pierces his shoulder, doing two points of piercing damage.
Okay, not bad.
He will then reload his crossbow and fire one more time, this time at you, Rootmore.
Ha! Whatever!
Loser!
Twenty.
Off the shield!
Next, one of the warriors will step forward, twenty feet, and he will poke at Monet with his spear.
I did.
Ooh, natural eighteen. Twenty-three to hit.
That is a hit.
Hot damn.
Five points of piercing damage.
Rootmore will use a reaction spell called Protector's Sacrifice.
He protects an ally by suffering in their stead.
You take zero damage, Rootmore takes five.
Alright.
Hell yeah.
Hell yeah, Rootmore.
So you get hit, but Rootmore goes, aah!
I'm about to be in pain, but you shout.
Okay.
That would frighten the hell out of me.
If I got hit, someone else would scream, and I'd just be like, fucking what?
Stop!
He will then make a hurried retreat, scampering back ten feet.
Scarebots, your go.
Tricky Charge!
Tricky is going to run into the room, jump diagonally between the door and Rootmore.
And he's going to shove this kobold in front of Rootmore.
Yes!
Alright.
Into the pit!
Hopefully into the pit.
Yes!
That's one of my favorite things to do in video games.
All games, really. Just like, bye bye.
There's a lot of that in Baldur's Gate.
Yeah, like when we were fighting the hag, I was just like, look at this, boop!
So it's your athletics against Fortitude DC.
I hope they have a low Fortitude 16 to shove.
The kobold screeches as it goes flying back into the pit, plummeting.
Who knows how far down.
That's awesome.
Oh, good idea.
Ah! Good job, Tricky!
And then Scareb fires at the one in the very back.
You...
Oh, bad roll.
Plus one from Bless.
Very true, yes, thank you.
I know, I almost forgot that was Tricky.
18 to hit.
He sees you level your gun in his direction and he begins to duck.
But he's too slow, and your shot connects.
Yes!
Hell yeah, Bless, hell yeah!
That's going to be 10 damage.
Piercing.
10 damage.
Piercing Magical.
Yes.
I don't think it matters with these guys.
So that's one, two, and reload.
That's my turn.
One more bullet bites the duck.
Monet, you're up.
Okay, Monet, following...
Monet.
You're talking like Molly.
Am I?
Monet.
No, not exactly.
Following Tricky's lead will attempt to push this Cobalt into the pit.
Alright.
Come on, come on, come on.
Sweet Shove-up.
It's all mine.
It's all mine, how?
Athletics against Florida 2 DC.
Hell yeah, hell yeah, hell yeah.
So that is a 23.
Yeah, Cobalt.
And once again.
Another Cobalt flies down the pit.
Scared of it jumping and clapping in the background.
She will...
This is awesome.
Put her hands in front of her and fire a blast at that taller Cobalt in the back with her last action.
Like this?
Yeah, like that.
Very good.
You ever seen one of these, Imad?
Three fingers.
Man, put that away.
It's weird.
Explain it to the listener, please.
I can't explain this.
I can't even explain a normal hand.
Dorothy and Felicia are putting their two hands together and lifting up three fingers.
It's weird.
Each person separately is putting two hands together.
We're not...
We could make a super finger, Imad.
But that's weird.
We've got a rogue pinky sticking out.
Sorry, I get really confused by it.
She's dyslexic with her hand.
I got it.
Roll to hit the scalp.
I did, I missed.
Okay.
Clearly, my hands were tied.
We'll post it on the Instagram and not post it.
Please.
We still need pictures of Scarab.
I know.
I got them, I'm just dumb.
I know, I'm going to do a drawing of my name.
Jacques?
Oh, I'll do a drawing of Jacques.
Okay.
Oh yeah.
I've been drawing a lot more.
I feel more comfortable.
That's even better, a drawing.
People need to...
Listeners.
Felicia's drawings are insane.
She's drawn Gale multiple times.
Okay.
No, it's realistic.
I'm giving you a compliment.
It's amazing.
She did a good drawing.
Dude, just post pictures of Gale on Instagram.
No, I'm not going to do that.
Why?
They're perfect.
Back on task.
Sorry.
The two remaining kobold warriors, after seeing their comrades plummet to their deaths, give each other an uneasy glance, but they shift their grip on their spears and you see resolve in their eyes.
One of them runs forward and squeezes past you, Monet, skirting between your legs.
And as he takes position behind you, he whips around and prepares his spear, preparing an action.
That's a bad idea, friend.
The other...
Do you have a reaction?
No.
Okay.
The other will take the opposite side of you, and as he does, the first one's action triggers and he stabs at your back with the spear.
Err.
Against your flat-footed AC.
Oh, they're tactical.
I forgot to put my...
Still not great. That is a 18 against your...no, sorry, 19 against your flat-footed AC.
Damn it!
That's a hit.
Damn.
Man, you hit me.
Sorry.
Damage.
I'm impressed.
Four points of piercing damage.
They're thinking.
Wow.
Just...can he get advantage if he is being flanked?
Yes.
Okay, okay, I wasn't sure if that was a fucking thing.
He's flat-footed, but so is Monet.
Okay.
And also, he is not flanked because Edgrin has a ranged weapon.
He can still attack though.
Yeah, but he's also not flat-footed right now, is what I just said, because Edgrin has a sling, so he is not threatening.
He can still do an unarmed attack though.
He could.
Which would make him flank you.
Because unarmed attack is not just punching, you can kick, it's whatever.
I don't know if that counts for him.
Yeah, because otherwise if you have a two...if you're using a crossbow, which takes two hands, are you threatening something that's next to you because you can kick it?
I would say yes, but that's something we need to look up.
Yeah, because I...
That's whatever you want to rule for now.
Don't think you can make an unarmed attack without a free hand, even if we're talking kicking headbutton, whatever.
Because then otherwise, what's the point of tying anything up or grappling it, you know what I mean?
The sling has a free hand though.
The sling does. I just...
Which I think is why it's a reload zero.
In any case, even if he is flat-footed, it has no bearing on his attacking Monet.
Monet, you take four points of piercing damage, and then the other Kobold is going to resume its turn and is going to stab at you as well.
And miss.
And one more stab.
13 against your flat-footed AC.
So a miss.
Well, hell yeah.
And root more into your go.
Stop it. You can't be here. He's going to swing at the one that's flanked between Monet and Edgar.
Ed-grin.
It's Ed with a smile showing no teeth.
Ed-grin. Ed-grin.
You said it five times.
You're right, Nugget.
Just call him Gail-sum.
Gail-sum. Ed-grin Gail-sum.
Ed-bull. Ed-gull. Ed-gob.
Vicious swing at the little bastard.
Oh, 20 to hit.
That's a hit.
13 bludgeoning damage.
And you crash the Kobold.
Oh, hell yeah.
Crush him dead. Okay.
And...
Crush him alive.
Okay.
I got one more action.
I just have a...
You can also flank while wielding a ranged weapon if you have improved on arm strike.
Oh, okay. It's good to know.
He does not.
Ed-grin's only level two.
Oh, good.
Sweet baby.
Ed-good.
Scarab!
Take out that leader!
He's gonna cast guidance on you, Scarab.
It's a plus one or plus two?
Plus one to attack rolls.
Attack rolls, save and throw. You know, all that stuff.
And that's it through one.
Shooter!
I hope so.
Guys, we're doing swell.
It's 6.30. We've got two episodes.
Hell yeah.
Nice, nice, nice.
And I'm gonna make spaghetti? Holy shit.
I made spaghetti last week and it was just like...
UGH!
Why?
Do you ever make something and you have to take a few steps back after you taste it?
Because it's so fucking good.
You taste it and you just have to step back.
Fuck.
Ed-grin is next and he's going to step forward five feet and hold up a hand.
Looking at the kobold scout, he's going to cast command.
Drop your crossbow!
And walk forward.
It will save.
Oh, that's awesome.
And the kobold fails.
Yes!
Good.
I choked.
Felicia also fails.
He has to spend his first action on his turn complying to that command.
That's awesome.
And it is the scout's turn next.
So the scout, staring at Ed-grin, sees his hand glow and then his eyes seem to glaze over for a moment as he lowers his crossbow and just...
drops it into the pit below.
Oh, yes!
Before his eyes snap back into focus and he looks down in horror at what he just did.
He will then draw from his side a short sword.
Sorry, not a short sword. Another ranged weapon.
He will draw a short sword.
Actually, you know what?
An AR-15.
Another crossbow!
A long crossbow.
A composite long shortbow.
His own halfling!
Cast command!
Karaoke battle!
He pulls a fresh version of himself out of his pocket that is still holding a crossbow.
The old one dies.
Hmm...
What do he do?
Yeah, he will just draw a short sword.
And that will be his turn.
So, yes, after the scout, Scarab, it is your turn.
Okay.
I'm gonna throw a peep- oh, I'm gonna take this pee-pee, I'm using it.
And, uh, at that, uh, at the scout that just pulled out a sword...
UNGARD!
I also just saw the bless and the guidance they don't stack, so you still just have plus one.
Plus one will work.
I'm looking at a 25 to hit that scout.
That's a hit. Oh, fuck.
Come on, partner!
That's gonna be...
Nine piercing.
And you killed the scout.
Hell yeah. Yes!
Scarab Waves is getting around in the air like a pirate.
Careful! Whoa!
Goes off, kills Rootmore.
Alright!
Reload...
And then fire at the one in front of Monet.
With a 12 to hit.
That's a miss.
Both times, rolling a four afterwards.
That's it.
It's alright. Getting a kill on a turn is huge.
Monet.
Monet will again...
go to push the scope hold.
Go to Shonen.
Please, please, please.
I hope that purple guy's getting pelted with bodies and crossbows.
21.
Sorry, uh, 22 if bless is...
AHHHHHHHHH!
He just, he's down there snickering.
That's an attack roll.
And then Monet would like to run up and start pulling on this...
mechanism?
Or does she have to go to the other side?
Uh, I mean it's a series of chains suspended in the middle of a pit that's 10 feet across.
You could definitely reach the chain.
You would have to like, lean to to even touch the chain, let alone pull it.
We got handles on this thing. You could try to stop it from turning maybe.
Yeah, I guess that's what I'm...
Oh, the handle?
Yeah, if there's a...
It's on the side with the scout. He's standing next to it.
I know it's on the map as being right there. It's next to the scout though.
Okay. So she's gonna run over and start cranking.
Ugh.
Hehehehe.
Monet, we're in a fight!
Hey, y'all.
I understand everyone's a little excited right now.
Find a corner and crank.
You're actually out of initiative.
Oh.
Yeah, if we're out then Rootmore's gonna run up, see what Monet's doing.
He's gonna try to help her.
Quickly stop that idiot! We need him back up here!
And quickly after him!
Nooooo!
We hold it on either side.
Just jiggle it back and forth really quick so it shakes in there if he's still in it.
As you begin to turn the mechanism,
you feel the chain begin to slow and then begin pulling in the other direction.
You then feel a...
You feel as if the cauldron on the end of the chain suddenly gets lighter.
Ah, damn it.
And you hear a few moments later a thudding noise.
I hope that hurt!
Loser!
Eggman!
We're coming for you!
Monet wants to drop the mechanism so that the cauldron drops down.
Stay right where you are, idiot!
We're here to help you!
As you do, the chain goes zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz and then you hear a thunk as it hits the ground.
Damn it!
God damn it!
Got him on the run. Good job, that was fun.
Might be a good idea to lift that back up.
Oh, okay. Let's just start pulling it back up again.
It will help.
Just, you know, make it harder for him.
Edgar, good throwing.
Ed-grin.
Ed-grin. Mr. Rootmore.
Quick, Elliot, we have things to do.
Mr. Rootmore is my father. He's an asshole.
I can't be bothered to learn every name. There's a lot of them.
Stop calling me mister!
I barely know my own name.
What are you talking about?
He's already learned all of your names. You can't remember his.
Not only can you not remember his, but you say a different one with so much confidence every time.
I know, I'm not doing it on purpose. I do feel confident when I say it.
That's just playing the character, it's good.
I like Edgar.
I remember the first four letters of his name pretty consistently.
Can I call you Ed? I feel like we're friends.
Of course, all his friends call him Ed.
Slaps him on the shoulder he got shot on.
Still bolt-sticking out of it.
I quickly get this out of here, I can sell this.
Put a foot on him, yank it out.
Sing for me, Halfling!
Before long, you have pulled the makeshift elevator back into its resting position.
As the crank reaches the apex, it clicks into place.
It's not funny.
He said crank!
Edmonds just in his head like, eeeh!
I know, because me too.
Did you hear that Edgolarian? He said crank!
Edgolarian.
Just adding syllables.
Yo, so what's up in this room? I see pathways.
You do see pathways.
And is this cave wall?
Did you talk to your mother with that mouth?
I crank it to yours.
I don't know my mom, thank you very much.
Sorry to hear that.
I had just crawled out of the darkness of the cave and everything was bad.
That's my mother.
Wow.
Kind of grew up underground as well.
Just all that silly things I pictured.
Walking down, walking by a field of corn and there's just one spot that's a bald head.
It's in the middle of the trail so people trip on it all the time.
So bright!
The early teen years were the hardest.
To the east you see what looks like rough-hewn cave walls.
Very different from the rest of this place.
While everything else has been carved to a sort of polish and finish that you would expect from dwarves and their kind,
this is a roughly hacked section of stone.
It still appears to have been worked by tools but never finished.
From that direction you can see a hazy wash of smoke filling that cave and the acrid smell kind of wafts in.
To the south you see a set of double doors made of large hewn stone.
These doors depict some form of dwarven character in reverence.
Although it looks like the door itself has been re-hewn.
So whatever face was on the dwarf originally seems to have been chiseled away and a new one, depicting the face of Droskar, seems to be in its place.
And the symbol between open hands, what once appeared to have been some form of forge, has been replaced with an arching flame.
Now look, hear me out.
He's down there, as far as we know.
This is the only way they know to go up and down.
I am a treasure hunter.
I procure items and I sell them.
That's how I bought my pig, that's how I bought my cart.
I'm seeing some really cool ornate doors and we're just passing them all up.
We'll come back. I'm just as interested if not more, but we do have a mission.
You're right. Just, I just gotta write this one down.
What do you say, Scarab?
The four of us clear this place out and afterwards we come down here at our own leisure.
That sounds pretty safe and good.
Okay, yeah.
I'm itching to look at these doors. We passed one earlier.
I may even be able to rip it off.
Seen you do it before.
I have done it before.
Oh yes.
Not with a stone door, but I could try.
Oh, now you're made of stone. I believe it.
Not currently because I didn't have any time to prepare my earth armor before you opened the door.
And you still kicked ass.
Yeah, Scarab's looking down the hole.
So Cody, this way to the east, do we see anything?
Something weird.
Or does the map just kind of end right there?
It's a strange dugout cave, dugout from the inn.
Foggy.
Does it look like it was dug out from the inside, Cody?
Like they were going that way or did it? Does it look like they dug it in?
You can't tell. There's no piles of rubble or anything like that.
Because I was thinking maybe that's where maybe Kobolds came from there.
Oh, I want to go back there.
Edgring, did you come from this way?
I think he was knocked out.
He was knocked out?
On the way in, not on the way out.
Felicia's talking about when he escaped.
Hamburger.
No, he makes hot dogs, not hamburgers. I'm sorry.
They're hot dogs.
There have been two fog walls we haven't gone through.
Two?
This one now.
Okay.
And that one at the entrance.
Yeah, there's a lot of this place we haven't seen.
Yeah, I know. Tell me about it.
When I escaped, I came up this here elevator.
Oh, it wasn't in use.
I climbed the chain.
Wow, very good upper body strength.
Thank you, Mr. Roomer.
You're welcome.
So I'm guessing on this floor, we haven't seen much outside of where we have been just now.
There are a few pretty cool looking doors. Know what's behind them?
I'm afraid not, Mr. Scarab.
When I fled, I went through the room we just came from, but those creatures weren't there.
That's not good.
So you think your friends, the other two prisoners, they're down this little well?
They could be anywhere. They could be up here. They could have already escaped. I don't know.
No word from town. Sorry to say. We were sent to find them.
There's still a chance.
When we tried to make our escape, we came up the chain, all three.
But as you saw, there were guards. Other guards, not these, but still guards.
And they chased us, and we just scattered.
So your friends are up here?
Unless anyone's been back down, I don't know.
I say we clear the floor we're on.
This is what I want to do. Raise this cauldron up.
We did that.
Since we did that, Rootmore's going to take the Droskar clan dagger that we found upstairs,
and he's going to jam it into the mechanism so it can't be brought back down.
So whoever's down there stays down there.
Can you do a disabled device check?
Oh, would that be...
Let me help you with that. Good idea. Move!
Get out of the way!
I could try to do this.
Just turn it like this. Make sure you don't break the chain.
And 24!
Wow, that's amazing.
You're able to find a spot in which you wedge the clan dagger,
just so it makes it to where the lever locks in place.
You feel confident you were able to do it in such a way that, should you choose to,
you could remove the dagger and reactivate the lift.
Hell yeah.
Good idea, Rootmore!
Very good, Scurge.
I agree. So much good idea. I'm going to show you my PP.
It's beautiful, isn't it?
Oh, thank you. It glistens. It's resplendent.
Wow, it's so fancy.
Not all that glitters is gold, friends.
Sprog, I thought you looked at it.
Thank you, Goot.
This is why I can't go out in the sun.
It's a fancy PP.
What do you do now? Stop looking at it.
We've got doors to the south, smokey cave to the east,
and then there's quite a bit you pass on the way here in many directions.
We could stop from the start.
Calm this old bitch!
Very true. There are doors right next to us.
Everything is a mystery, you know.
I fear that creatures might be stronger further in the dungeon.
You want to fight these little things and level up first?
Yes!
Okay, yes. Let's scurry all the way back.
No, JK, we can start from here.
That makes sense.
I think we should go through the boss door.
The one down to the south near the entrance?
Yeah, the Dark Souls boss room.
The first fog.
Yes.
The fog of the first.
I like that.
Or we could just try and make our way back around there.
It could reconnect, looking at our maps that we've been drawing as we've been walking through.
As characters.
Yeah, definitely.
I'm down either way.
The foggy entrance or these double doors?
As the three of you and your new halfling companion stand in this chamber,
ruminating on all that you've seen and wondering what's yet to come,
you can't help but feel just a little bit more prepared for the dangers ahead.
Son of a gun!
As you all level up.
Yay!
Powerfully.
Yes!
Oh my god, yes!
And that's it for today.
Hell yeah!
Yay!
What a great way to end the episode.
The Cursed Caravan is brought to you by Imaud.
Here, Matt, I'll email it to you.
Imaud plays all the voices and all the characters on all of our shows.
No!
Imaud is all the horses and all of the king's men.
Imaud is king, god, king.
Give him all of your money.
Imaud's PayPal account is...
Imaud's address is...
JK.
Do you want to read it?
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Also, if you have any questions, feel free to email us at thecursedcaravan.gmail.com.
So yeah, do that. Do those things. Do all of those things.
Please! We need to!
Rate us, comment, email us, tell Emad that you love him, tell me that you hate me.
All of our contact information is in the description.
And thank you for being a traveler on the Cursed Caravan.
Thank you! Thank you!
Okay, bye! Bye bye!
Ready, ready. Ready, ready, ready. I'm gonna go put on some deodorant.
Oh, good.
We can still start it. I'm just gonna put on deodorant.
Because I'm sweating! My armpits are sweaty!
You don't want the listeners to smell you.
Matthew, I like your musk. Don't put that deodorant on. You're ruining everything.
I'm sure somebody likes it, but I don't.
I've been talking, I like your smell, and I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with you?
Ew! Get away from me!
What are you trying to breed?
Who said that to you?
Goddamn breeders.
Girlfriends. Okay.
What are you trying to breed? Ew, get off of me!
Get off me, I stink!
And then we wonder. And then everybody wonders why I'm alone.
Everybody wonders.
Aw, what's wrong with my drive?
It's okay, we'll start this episode by saying, hey everyone, Matthew's single.
No, I don't want to.
Leave a comment if you want to date him.
His address? Send him your pictures. I'll see pics only.
Nothing wrong with being alone.
I'm having a fucking blast. You don't have to ask permission for anything.
I ask permission for everything.
I don't ask for permission for much at all.
But you don't have to ask permission.
But I do.
Matthew does probably work best alone, and by work best I mean just survives.
But he does like hugs.
I want double income!
That's all I want.
Hey, M.O.D. is single and he wants your money.
Hey everybody, welcome to the Cursed Caravan. M.O.D. is single and he needs money.
Any doctors out there so I can do this full time?
Matthew's single and he just wants a hug.
Anyone looking for a sugar baby because M.O.D. is ready.
Oh, give me sugar mama!
I can go for that too.
I don't care how old you are as long as you got a BBL.
Age matters, Matthew.
Not if they have a BBL.
M.O.D. wants them old.
Stands for Brazilian Butt Lift.
What's a BBL?
I don't know if y'all are lying to me.
No, I'm not.
Legitimately.
No, honestly.
You could be above 40, you got a BBL, doesn't matter.
It changes everything.
Because I'd be looking at those basketballs in your trousers.
Basketball.
That's funny.
They are basketballs.
I'm pretty sure that it's recording right now.
Yeah, we are recording.
You should probably stop talking.
Well, you're just going to have to cut that part.
Now what, lady?
Probably shouldn't put any of this in.
Go ahead and throw it at the end.
Hey, this is all jokes, folks.
It's all jokes, butt.
That's funny.
The truth is I like a BBL.
I think, I don't know.
Any single anyone's hugs.
Haven't tried them out.
If you got any, let me smell them.
Let me smell them.
If you got any, if you got any BBLs.
If you got a BBL or two, I can take a look.
See, just before you started recording, I'm talking about,
oh, I don't want to say anything controversial.
I just dig holes.
I'm a hole digger.
You just gave me a new thing to search on Pornhub.
Jesus Christ.
Okay.
Hey, let's shut this down early, all right?
I got things to do.
Guys, something just came up.
Something literally just came up.
Oh my God, I'm on fuck off.
I want to see it.
Check out our Instagram to see what came up.
I tried to go to Instagram, but it was deleted.
Somebody locked me out.
No, my mom listens to this.
Mommy, I'm sorry.
Yeah, Emod.
Nobody wants to hear about your penis.
Please, no DMs unless you're sending money.
Unless.
Anyway.
That's the BCL.
Emod's already got one of those.
Don't you see the basketball in his trunks?
Cody clapped.
Quit living in my large pee.
Speaking of my trunks, Cody clapped.