1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:13,520 Welcome to Unlimited Parenting, where we discuss having children with disabilities or special 2 00:00:13,520 --> 00:00:15,000 health care needs. 3 00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:20,140 My name is Allison and I am so excited to be joined today by certified professional 4 00:00:20,140 --> 00:00:28,000 life coach, advocate, and now author Susanna Peace Lovell to discuss her book, Your True 5 00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:29,800 Self is Enough. 6 00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:33,380 So let's jump right into the conversation. 7 00:00:33,380 --> 00:00:35,080 Thank you so much for being here. 8 00:00:35,080 --> 00:00:39,160 We so appreciate your time and having you here. 9 00:00:39,160 --> 00:00:44,040 Before we kind of take a dive into your book and ask you those sorts of questions, I was 10 00:00:44,040 --> 00:00:50,400 hoping you could just take a minute to kind of describe your journey and introduce yourself. 11 00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:51,840 Yeah, sure. 12 00:00:51,840 --> 00:00:53,480 I would love to do that. 13 00:00:53,480 --> 00:00:57,040 Well, firstly, my name is Susanna Peace Lovell 14 00:00:57,040 --> 00:01:00,600 I am a mother. 15 00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:04,400 I am a single mother supporting one daughter. 16 00:01:04,400 --> 00:01:14,800 I have actually, she just turned 18, so she likes to be referred to as a legal adult now. 17 00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:20,040 Her name is Arizona. 18 00:01:20,040 --> 00:01:24,960 My life and my work are very connected, so everything is sort of integrated and intertwined 19 00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:26,880 and everything is the same. 20 00:01:26,880 --> 00:01:29,280 So it's fun. 21 00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:30,280 It's interesting. 22 00:01:30,280 --> 00:01:31,280 It's fun. 23 00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:33,600 I advocate for disability families. 24 00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:37,240 I'm a coach, a life coach for disability families. 25 00:01:37,240 --> 00:01:40,760 I do a lot of speaking engagements and workshops and retreats. 26 00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:44,160 I'm an author, as you can see. 27 00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:51,880 My first published work is right there on the table, which is actually mostly memoir, 28 00:01:51,880 --> 00:02:02,080 but it's sort of split up as anecdotal stories of my journey raising a child that was unexpected 29 00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:08,000 in many ways in terms of my vision, my own vision that I had for my own motherhood. 30 00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:13,680 And then I also include at the end of each chapter a little bit of sort of hints and 31 00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:19,360 tips around truth corners, if you will. 32 00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:26,040 My vision that I know now that I wish I had known back then. 33 00:02:26,040 --> 00:02:27,920 And it's not just facts and figures. 34 00:02:27,920 --> 00:02:34,680 It's also just leaning into spiritual awakenings and opportunities and the possibility of just 35 00:02:34,680 --> 00:02:40,240 stretching and growing and transforming even in the discomfort and the hard times. 36 00:02:40,240 --> 00:02:44,740 So yeah, I'm so happy to be here. 37 00:02:44,740 --> 00:02:50,860 This is absolutely not what I expected for my own life at this juncture. 38 00:02:50,860 --> 00:02:58,960 But I have to say it has been such an amazing journey in terms of my own growth and evolution. 39 00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:04,660 And I'm so grateful that I am not numb to this life because of this life. 40 00:03:04,660 --> 00:03:06,040 So that's me. 41 00:03:06,040 --> 00:03:07,040 And I'm here. 42 00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:12,120 I'm here in Los Angeles, California, but I'm also everywhere online. 43 00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:13,120 So perfect. 44 00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:19,600 You mentioned that too about being a single parent with support. 45 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:21,460 Can you describe more about that? 46 00:03:21,460 --> 00:03:23,680 I did not start off as a single mother. 47 00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:30,940 So I was married and I was married to Arizona's dad for quite some time. 48 00:03:30,940 --> 00:03:36,620 When she was around seven or eight, we separated and got divorced. 49 00:03:36,620 --> 00:03:41,580 She primarily lives with me, I would say 97% of the time, full time. 50 00:03:41,580 --> 00:03:49,920 So by single supporting, I mean that I am sort of doing the day to day, but I do have 51 00:03:49,920 --> 00:03:54,760 support from my ex-husband and he's very much involved in our daughter's life. 52 00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:57,520 I just happen to be doing the day to day. 53 00:03:57,520 --> 00:04:07,980 So I feel like that's a lot in terms of not just having someone else to bounce things 54 00:04:07,980 --> 00:04:10,360 off of in the moment. 55 00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:15,680 That makes sense and or at 3 a.m. if Arizona is having a worry and waking up multiple times 56 00:04:15,680 --> 00:04:16,680 in the night. 57 00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:23,920 So that's been a little bit challenging in terms of not having that sort of partnership, 58 00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:25,680 but it's a different kind of partnership. 59 00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:31,860 And what I have learned in this life is that everything that I expected to happen in my 60 00:04:31,860 --> 00:04:40,340 life has sort of veered off path and created a new path that I didn't even know existed. 61 00:04:40,340 --> 00:04:46,760 So here I am in partnership with Arizona's father in a different way, if that makes sense. 62 00:04:46,760 --> 00:04:50,080 Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. 63 00:04:50,080 --> 00:04:57,520 Just speaking about that in your life transitioning in ways that you had no idea would come about. 64 00:04:57,520 --> 00:05:02,460 What do you like to share most with families who are just new to this world and getting 65 00:05:02,460 --> 00:05:04,280 their diagnosis? 66 00:05:04,280 --> 00:05:12,100 You know, first of all, man, life can be tricky. 67 00:05:12,100 --> 00:05:14,760 We are ultimately not in control. 68 00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:17,620 I know that a lot of us think that we are. 69 00:05:17,620 --> 00:05:20,700 I am very much type A control freak. 70 00:05:20,700 --> 00:05:24,060 I have been my entire life and it's kind of almost funny. 71 00:05:24,060 --> 00:05:29,940 Like, well, of course, then I would be in a situation where I would have to I would 72 00:05:29,940 --> 00:05:32,940 have the ability to learn how to not be so controlling. 73 00:05:32,940 --> 00:05:36,220 But it's really challenging to take ourselves out of it. 74 00:05:36,220 --> 00:05:42,060 But I think that's something that's very important for us to do as much as we possibly can. 75 00:05:42,060 --> 00:05:47,580 Number one, so that we can be as present as possible in each moment and just leaning into 76 00:05:47,580 --> 00:05:52,900 the child that we have or the children that we have that came through us and to us so 77 00:05:52,900 --> 00:05:58,440 that we can just learn to honor them for exactly who they are. 78 00:05:58,440 --> 00:06:04,180 And so leaning into their world, getting into their world and just being like, you are just 79 00:06:04,180 --> 00:06:11,180 this perfect and amazing, perfectly intact soul, you know, that was brought into my life 80 00:06:11,180 --> 00:06:12,500 in this lifetime. 81 00:06:12,500 --> 00:06:20,420 And so being able to be present and then number two, really just, you know, practice, practice, 82 00:06:20,420 --> 00:06:24,660 practice of taking our our ego out of everything. 83 00:06:24,660 --> 00:06:31,540 It's really hard sometimes, but to just be like, listen, just because this person, you 84 00:06:31,540 --> 00:06:38,100 know, was born to meme doesn't mean that I get to decide what their likes and dislikes 85 00:06:38,100 --> 00:06:40,020 are going to be and how their behavior is going to be. 86 00:06:40,020 --> 00:06:42,900 You know, we have all of these preconceived notions. 87 00:06:42,900 --> 00:06:47,300 A lot of us do, you know, before we're parents of like, well, that's going to be my little 88 00:06:47,300 --> 00:06:52,440 mini me, you know, and and they're going to like this sport and they're going to want 89 00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:56,500 to go to dance class and they're going to want to wear their hair, girly, you know, 90 00:06:56,500 --> 00:06:57,500 whatever it is. 91 00:06:57,500 --> 00:06:58,500 Right. 92 00:06:58,500 --> 00:07:02,740 We have these preconceived notions and, you know, honestly, like desires. 93 00:07:02,740 --> 00:07:03,740 Right. 94 00:07:03,740 --> 00:07:07,940 We have these wishes like we want, you know, our children to be a perfect way, behave a 95 00:07:07,940 --> 00:07:13,740 perfect way or whatever it is, be kind and generous, all of these fun things, but also 96 00:07:13,740 --> 00:07:19,780 super smart and, you know, straight A's and well, anyway, that was your cancer. 97 00:07:19,780 --> 00:07:21,260 I mean, why not? 98 00:07:21,260 --> 00:07:22,260 Right. 99 00:07:22,260 --> 00:07:24,700 I mean, all of the above. 100 00:07:24,700 --> 00:07:25,700 Right. 101 00:07:25,700 --> 00:07:29,060 When Wimbledon, I guess, you know. 102 00:07:29,060 --> 00:07:35,260 So so, yeah, I just feel like it's such an opportunity to sort of take a breath and take 103 00:07:35,260 --> 00:07:36,260 a step back. 104 00:07:36,260 --> 00:07:40,780 I know it's so hard like getting that diagnosis, any diagnosis where you're just like, well, 105 00:07:40,780 --> 00:07:43,420 I don't I don't know what to do next. 106 00:07:43,420 --> 00:07:44,820 That's not what I planned for. 107 00:07:44,820 --> 00:07:45,820 Right. 108 00:07:45,820 --> 00:07:50,300 That's not, you know, that's not what I trained for, whatever it is to be a mom. 109 00:07:50,300 --> 00:07:54,060 You know, that's I don't know that, you know, I don't know food allergies. 110 00:07:54,060 --> 00:07:59,180 Like that was the first, you know, sort of journey in my role of parenting Arizona. 111 00:07:59,180 --> 00:08:01,080 Like she was allergic to everything. 112 00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:03,280 And I was like, I don't know how to do that. 113 00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:07,340 You know, and there's a chapter about that in the book. 114 00:08:07,340 --> 00:08:08,340 Right. 115 00:08:08,340 --> 00:08:12,700 What do you expect when you're expecting there's no chapter about allergies or disabilities 116 00:08:12,700 --> 00:08:14,660 or man. 117 00:08:14,660 --> 00:08:20,180 And you know, I read that so religiously to I was and especially when I was pregnant, 118 00:08:20,180 --> 00:08:22,460 because I was like, OK, what's going to happen next? 119 00:08:22,460 --> 00:08:23,660 You know what I mean? 120 00:08:23,660 --> 00:08:25,780 When is my morning sickness going to go away? 121 00:08:25,780 --> 00:08:27,420 It didn't, by the way, for me. 122 00:08:27,420 --> 00:08:31,060 You know, I was throwing up for seven and a half months and that wasn't in the book 123 00:08:31,060 --> 00:08:34,060 either. 124 00:08:34,060 --> 00:08:35,060 What am I supposed to do? 125 00:08:35,060 --> 00:08:36,060 Right. 126 00:08:36,060 --> 00:08:37,060 Right. 127 00:08:37,060 --> 00:08:38,420 Where do I go next? 128 00:08:38,420 --> 00:08:43,660 I hear a lot of parents say, you know, it's like a grieving process when you get that 129 00:08:43,660 --> 00:08:44,660 diagnosis. 130 00:08:44,660 --> 00:08:46,340 Did you feel that way? 131 00:08:46,340 --> 00:08:52,980 You know, I did not have I had sort of a delayed response. 132 00:08:52,980 --> 00:08:56,980 So just a little bit of background in terms of grieving and mourning. 133 00:08:56,980 --> 00:09:04,380 I will say that I suffered quite early on when my daughter was born with postpartum 134 00:09:04,380 --> 00:09:06,740 anxiety and depression. 135 00:09:06,740 --> 00:09:10,900 And for me, that had nothing to do with her disability or diagnosis, because I didn't 136 00:09:10,900 --> 00:09:12,380 know any of that yet. 137 00:09:12,380 --> 00:09:19,460 It was just this morning of like my life as it once was and feeling like, gosh, I can't 138 00:09:19,460 --> 00:09:26,860 I'm just I just don't have much as much agency as I used to in terms of like, you know, traveling 139 00:09:26,860 --> 00:09:28,740 and doing all the things. 140 00:09:28,740 --> 00:09:29,740 Right. 141 00:09:29,740 --> 00:09:33,460 Just everything felt very everything changed like overnight. 142 00:09:33,460 --> 00:09:37,660 I mean, I was like, wait a minute, what happened to my independence? 143 00:09:37,660 --> 00:09:40,660 I don't I'm I'm missing that. 144 00:09:40,660 --> 00:09:46,500 So but so because I had already sort of been down in the dumps and never kind of really 145 00:09:46,500 --> 00:09:53,260 got out of it, I feel like the the diagnosis, the actual diagnosis and actually, I should 146 00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:59,300 say diagnoses because there were many of them didn't really take me out. 147 00:09:59,300 --> 00:10:05,880 In that sense, I felt like initially, because I was so depressed in my own life of just 148 00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:11,180 feeling like a failure as a mother and just not finding joy being a mother to a child 149 00:10:11,180 --> 00:10:13,860 that cried all day every day, I just couldn't find joy. 150 00:10:13,860 --> 00:10:15,900 I couldn't access joy. 151 00:10:15,900 --> 00:10:21,460 I just felt like, OK, well, now there's this diagnosis, but I'm also being given all of 152 00:10:21,460 --> 00:10:26,740 these instructions like she needs to be in occupational therapy and speech therapy. 153 00:10:26,740 --> 00:10:33,860 And so I felt like very much like, OK, so now maybe I can make up for being such a failure 154 00:10:33,860 --> 00:10:38,100 of a mother to now being able to do something to help my child. 155 00:10:38,100 --> 00:10:46,380 So within me rose this, I don't know, warrior spirit, something of like, just go get them. 156 00:10:46,380 --> 00:10:50,220 Like now I know now I have my marching papers. 157 00:10:50,220 --> 00:10:55,420 So now I mean, my mind is I'm I'm I'm a hot mess. 158 00:10:55,420 --> 00:11:02,140 OK, so I literally was like, you know, let me now fill up this time, you know, sort of 159 00:11:02,140 --> 00:11:07,060 redeeming myself because I've had such a hard time so far as a mother. 160 00:11:07,060 --> 00:11:09,340 And my daughter was about two and a half years at this point. 161 00:11:09,340 --> 00:11:14,260 And so I just went went, I just was like, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, you know. 162 00:11:14,260 --> 00:11:17,540 And that gave me some sort of purpose, you know. 163 00:11:17,540 --> 00:11:24,300 And then as I was moving along in the process, you know, that that grief did come up. 164 00:11:24,300 --> 00:11:28,700 It started bubbling to the surface when I was able to really like slow down and be in 165 00:11:28,700 --> 00:11:35,820 in silence and sit still, which was very uncomfortable and not something that I love to do. 166 00:11:35,820 --> 00:11:37,860 But ultimately, that is what happened. 167 00:11:37,860 --> 00:11:45,100 And so I have had to me grief in this process has been so cyclical, you know, it's like 168 00:11:45,100 --> 00:11:50,540 you have these moments where I think I got this, you know, I think things are OK. 169 00:11:50,540 --> 00:11:56,460 My daughter seems regulated and, you know, happy and leaning into the things that are 170 00:11:56,460 --> 00:12:00,780 of interest to her. And then there's, you know, then there's a shift and change, you 171 00:12:00,780 --> 00:12:04,940 know, so many different stages and chapters just in motherhood and just in parenting in 172 00:12:04,940 --> 00:12:08,900 general, just in life in general. Right. 173 00:12:08,900 --> 00:12:16,660 So it is man. It is. Yeah. I just never ending. It is. Yeah. It's never ending. And so we 174 00:12:16,660 --> 00:12:24,020 always get the opportunity to practice and try again. Like every morning there is a new 175 00:12:24,020 --> 00:12:33,700 one. I just feel like, wow, OK, I messed up today. I was not at my best today. And guess 176 00:12:33,700 --> 00:12:35,980 what? We're going to we're going to try again tomorrow. 177 00:12:35,980 --> 00:12:41,180 I'd like to hear more about something that you just mentioned, your mantra of find your 178 00:12:41,180 --> 00:12:44,700 joy. What what are you meaning by that? 179 00:12:44,700 --> 00:12:53,660 Yeah. And well, first of all, I will say that I feel like I teach and I speak about what 180 00:12:53,660 --> 00:12:59,940 I most need to learn and what I am continuing to learn on this journey we call life with 181 00:12:59,940 --> 00:13:07,100 all of its ups and downs and unexpected, you know, things that happen. Finding your joy. 182 00:13:07,100 --> 00:13:13,160 To me, that is something that I've always tried to lean into in terms of, you know, 183 00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:18,380 how can I even just get through this moment? How can I get through this next hour? The 184 00:13:18,380 --> 00:13:24,660 days have been very, very long for me on this journey. The years have gone by like that. 185 00:13:24,660 --> 00:13:33,760 But the days and the minutes have been so torturously, painstakingly long and especially 186 00:13:33,760 --> 00:13:39,180 in the early days. And so I would just in order to sort of keep myself going, I was 187 00:13:39,180 --> 00:13:43,740 like, OK, all right, let me just find my joy today. Like, what is joy going to look like 188 00:13:43,740 --> 00:13:48,700 for me today? Even if it's just a glimmer, like a little snippet, what can that look like 189 00:13:48,700 --> 00:13:53,780 for me today? And often it had to do with like, what am I going to make for lunch? You 190 00:13:53,780 --> 00:14:00,140 know, or, you know, how am I going to support myself when my daughter is taking one of her 191 00:14:00,140 --> 00:14:04,700 30 minute catnaps because she never took naps during the day? Right. What am I going to 192 00:14:04,700 --> 00:14:11,780 do during that 30 minutes? That is not a house chore. You know, what can I how can I find 193 00:14:11,780 --> 00:14:18,900 some time to write in something in my journal? Right. Well, you know, that to me has always 194 00:14:18,900 --> 00:14:26,080 been like very supportive. So, yeah, I mean, it's it's it's just, you know, having the 195 00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:33,720 intention around I am seeking out whatever joy can be available to me today in this moment, 196 00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:39,240 next week, you know, short term, long term. Sometimes it looks differently every day and 197 00:14:39,240 --> 00:14:46,700 in every moment. And so, you know, I am just constantly trying to access something that 198 00:14:46,700 --> 00:14:52,140 will help me move forward sometimes and especially when it's tough. But then, you know, what 199 00:14:52,140 --> 00:14:57,460 what's beautiful and so amazing is that over time you realize that you've created this 200 00:14:57,460 --> 00:15:05,080 little toolbox of different types of support that can help you to access your joy maybe 201 00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:10,920 a little bit sooner or quicker. You know, maybe the bounce back is not so so lengthy 202 00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:17,720 in terms of having a challenge or a downtime, you know. And by the way, those downtimes 203 00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:23,060 are OK, too. Like we just have to lean into what is real and true for us in each moment. 204 00:15:23,060 --> 00:15:28,540 But I mean, I like today I'm going to have a delicious glass of I'm going to have some 205 00:15:28,540 --> 00:15:32,900 diet coke with my lunch like to me. That's a little with a lot of ice. Like that's a 206 00:15:32,900 --> 00:15:40,100 treat for me. So, you know, absolutely. And I have found on my own personal, you know, 207 00:15:40,100 --> 00:15:46,640 self care, soul care journey, right, that the more little moments of happiness that 208 00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:53,260 you find and you take, the more you find around you. Yes. So the more I choose to recognize 209 00:15:53,260 --> 00:16:00,100 it, the more I see it for myself. Absolutely. And again, it's part of that like muscle that 210 00:16:00,100 --> 00:16:04,960 we're practicing. And then all of a sudden, things show up. It's almost like, you know, 211 00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:09,400 a new lens. All of a sudden, you're like, oh, my gosh, I looked up at the sky yesterday. 212 00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:15,060 Honestly, I was just looking up the sky and I was like, wow, that cloud formation is phenomenal. 213 00:16:15,060 --> 00:16:20,640 You know, right. I mean, how how often do I say that? Not often. I just happen to look 214 00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:27,300 up and be like, wow, you know, I'm alive and breathing in this moment. So listen, it could 215 00:16:27,300 --> 00:16:32,580 be a big thing, it could be a little thing, it could be, you know, a one off thing. But 216 00:16:32,580 --> 00:16:38,300 yeah, I absolutely agree with you. You know, what we are seeking and seeking us in return. 217 00:16:38,300 --> 00:16:44,980 And I feel like we'll just these moments will pop up. And it's so awesome. So fun. There's 218 00:16:44,980 --> 00:16:50,940 another facet to this conversation in reading your book that I found so interesting. And 219 00:16:50,940 --> 00:16:59,420 that's culture. How do you think that culture plays in the experience of families who are 220 00:16:59,420 --> 00:17:05,580 supporting children with disabilities? Yeah. Oh, my goodness. I mean, culture. Yeah, I 221 00:17:05,580 --> 00:17:12,820 feel like shifts, you know, the conversation, the perspective, I feel like though, you know, 222 00:17:12,820 --> 00:17:18,700 the way that I have experienced motherhood here in, you know, the United States and actually 223 00:17:18,700 --> 00:17:23,220 more specifically in Los Angeles, California, because I feel like we are also a different 224 00:17:23,220 --> 00:17:29,700 country, to be honest. And I you know, this is where I have to be right now. And I'm I'm 225 00:17:29,700 --> 00:17:37,740 grateful. And I, you know, I'm grateful. And I feel like, especially here, there is this 226 00:17:37,740 --> 00:17:43,540 idea and this notion that, that women and mothers really need to be able to do it all, 227 00:17:43,540 --> 00:17:50,100 you know, like all of the time. And by the way, don't complain and, you know, try to 228 00:17:50,100 --> 00:17:57,300 be as cute as possible. Right. And, you know, by any means, don't accept help. You know, 229 00:17:57,300 --> 00:18:02,060 like that's just, you know, that's just instant failure. So I just feel like there's like 230 00:18:02,060 --> 00:18:08,620 this culture around, you know, we revere the suffering sometimes, you know, it's almost 231 00:18:08,620 --> 00:18:14,020 like, you know, we get into these conversations, especially as new moms or, you know, even 232 00:18:14,020 --> 00:18:18,180 now, I mean, I just feel like even sometimes for myself, even though I'm trying to be as 233 00:18:18,180 --> 00:18:21,980 conscious as possible, we just get pulled into these conversations where it's almost 234 00:18:21,980 --> 00:18:26,060 like we're playing like the hardship Olympics. Right. Right. You're trying to one up the 235 00:18:26,060 --> 00:18:33,020 next person. Right. Right. You know, my my nanny canceled today and you know, now I have 236 00:18:33,020 --> 00:18:36,420 to take three kids to three different schools and whatever, you know, it's like, oh, yeah, 237 00:18:36,420 --> 00:18:42,020 well, my husband's traveling, you know, it's so it's just it's kind of almost like that's 238 00:18:42,020 --> 00:18:47,580 what's revered and admired. And I just want to shift this narrative so much. I leaned 239 00:18:47,580 --> 00:18:52,180 into this very much as a new mom, like, oh, I shouldn't. Why should I need help? I'm like 240 00:18:52,180 --> 00:18:58,300 taking a break from working like I'm on maternity leave. I might not even go back. In fact, 241 00:18:58,300 --> 00:19:04,980 my former husband and I had planned for me to stay at home at least for the near term 242 00:19:04,980 --> 00:19:10,620 when Arizona was born. And I felt so lucky and blessed that we had planned for that financially. 243 00:19:10,620 --> 00:19:16,200 And yet and still I was like, oh, my gosh, this is so hard. And and I also was telling 244 00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:20,980 myself at the same time, yeah, OK, but you're not working or doing anything else. Like all 245 00:19:20,980 --> 00:19:26,140 you have to do is take care of the baby. Hush your trap. You know what I mean? I mean, these 246 00:19:26,140 --> 00:19:31,660 were the voices in my head. And so as I was like, you know, taking my daughter out in 247 00:19:31,660 --> 00:19:36,420 the public, you know, on walks or trying to, you know, just get out of the house. And she 248 00:19:36,420 --> 00:19:41,580 cried all the time incessantly. I mean, she cried for the first 18 months of her life 249 00:19:41,580 --> 00:19:47,080 nonstop because of her food allergies, which, you know, turned into like head to toe eczema 250 00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:54,980 and rashes. And I mean, it was it was it was tough times back then. And yet and still I 251 00:19:54,980 --> 00:20:00,100 was again having this self-talk of like, OK, but don't ask for help. You know, do it yourself 252 00:20:00,100 --> 00:20:04,820 and don't complain. This is what you wanted. You wanted to be a mom, you know, and now 253 00:20:04,820 --> 00:20:12,780 you get to be mom. How entitled are you to, you know, need help and support when you're 254 00:20:12,780 --> 00:20:16,660 not, you know, bringing home the bacon? Like you're not supporting. You're not doing anything. 255 00:20:16,660 --> 00:20:22,640 I mean, that's what I thought. OK. And that's what a lot of us think, you know. And so we 256 00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:30,020 suffer in silence. It's like we're we're dying on the vine. You know, do you think that that 257 00:20:30,020 --> 00:20:35,620 was maybe the impetus or the vision kind of behind your book is it's just to get that 258 00:20:35,620 --> 00:20:42,420 message out to more to more families that you don't need to live in that, you know, 259 00:20:42,420 --> 00:20:47,780 cycle in your head that you can break out. And here's kind of how I did it. For sure. 260 00:20:47,780 --> 00:20:52,180 I mean, I again, one of the reasons why I wrote this book, well, there were multiple 261 00:20:52,180 --> 00:20:57,320 reasons, but one of them really was because when I was first going through the initial 262 00:20:57,320 --> 00:21:03,620 diagnosis process with Arizona and everything else that comes along with it, I was like, 263 00:21:03,620 --> 00:21:10,460 I am I am just like alone out here. I feel so isolated. I feel like I'm on an island. 264 00:21:10,460 --> 00:21:15,020 I'm the only person on this island. I mean, this wasn't that long ago, but it was 18 years 265 00:21:15,020 --> 00:21:19,660 ago. You know, a lot of things have shifted and changed since then in terms of support 266 00:21:19,660 --> 00:21:25,300 and resources and what we're talking about. But I was definitely like I would have liked 267 00:21:25,300 --> 00:21:30,380 to have met just one other mom, you know, not a professional, no, not a doctor, not 268 00:21:30,380 --> 00:21:36,780 a pediatrician, not a therapist. I wanted to at least have heard from one other mom, 269 00:21:36,780 --> 00:21:42,380 like everything is going to be OK. Like, you know, might not seem OK right now. Might not 270 00:21:42,380 --> 00:21:48,300 look OK or feel OK, but it will be OK. Things are going to shift and change because you're 271 00:21:48,300 --> 00:21:52,500 going to be able to shift and change. But I didn't have any kind of road map. There 272 00:21:52,500 --> 00:21:56,820 was no blueprint. There was nothing there was. There wasn't even like what to do after 273 00:21:56,820 --> 00:22:03,220 you get a diagnosis, not even like a one sheet like fact sheet of anything. It was just like, 274 00:22:03,220 --> 00:22:09,180 OK, well, I mean, you know, it's like when Arizona was first diagnosed with the psychologist 275 00:22:09,180 --> 00:22:13,620 at the regional center, you know, I brought her in because I was having concerns about, 276 00:22:13,620 --> 00:22:17,780 you know, her behavior and her intention and what she was doing. And I just I didn't know 277 00:22:17,780 --> 00:22:22,740 what was going on. And and as soon as I walked in, you know, they were like drilling her 278 00:22:22,740 --> 00:22:30,940 with questions. And she was like, huh, what's very confused. Right. What's going on? Who 279 00:22:30,940 --> 00:22:38,380 are you? And the psychologist was like, oh, she failed that one. Failed that question. 280 00:22:38,380 --> 00:22:45,700 Oh, failed that one. You know, I was like, this is horrific. And and she was like, well, 281 00:22:45,700 --> 00:22:50,260 this looks a lot like autism. But, you know, you know that. Right, mom. And I was like, 282 00:22:50,260 --> 00:22:56,740 no, I that's why we're here. I don't know anything. It was absolutely isolating, frightening, 283 00:22:56,740 --> 00:23:03,940 debilitating. Yeah, it was demoralizing. All of the above. It was I was like gut punched 284 00:23:03,940 --> 00:23:08,900 over and over and over again in this process. And it was it was really challenging. So I 285 00:23:08,900 --> 00:23:14,620 wanted to be some sort of light. And that's actually why I became a coach, because I felt 286 00:23:14,620 --> 00:23:20,460 like so many people were reaching out to me, asking me for advice or help or, oh, you know, 287 00:23:20,460 --> 00:23:25,540 I have a friend whose son was just diagnosed. Oh, my cousin's daughter just, you know, got 288 00:23:25,540 --> 00:23:30,940 a diagnosis. Can you talk to them? And so I realized, like, this is actually a very 289 00:23:30,940 --> 00:23:36,860 supportive service that I'm offering and not because I have, like, you know, 10 Ph.D.s, 290 00:23:36,860 --> 00:23:43,020 but rather because I don't, by the way, I don't even have one. Yeah, but 291 00:23:43,020 --> 00:23:48,820 I have a Ph.D. and lived experience. I feel like I do. I have a Ph.D. and that's right 292 00:23:48,820 --> 00:23:57,460 in parenting Arizona. But that's it. And so I wanted to, again, like be like some sort 293 00:23:57,460 --> 00:24:04,620 of beacon of light or touch point or like, yeah, I'm a real person living this. And that's 294 00:24:04,620 --> 00:24:11,260 how I get actually all of my clients are all referral based. And wow. Primarily, it's like, 295 00:24:11,260 --> 00:24:17,140 ah, we feel like you see us, you know, and I'm like, yeah, I mean, we have different, 296 00:24:17,140 --> 00:24:24,380 you know, experiences and different situations, but ultimately it's a it's an altered motherhood. 297 00:24:24,380 --> 00:24:31,020 You know, absolutely. Do you in saying that, do you think that that's how the format for 298 00:24:31,020 --> 00:24:35,900 the book, Your True Self is Enough came about that part memoir part guidebook? Was that 299 00:24:35,900 --> 00:24:41,820 just another attempt at you kind of guiding families? Yeah. And actually, too, this is 300 00:24:41,820 --> 00:24:47,500 an interesting journey of even publishing this book because what you have there on your 301 00:24:47,500 --> 00:24:54,420 table is probably in its like seventy fifth iteration. Right. So initially when I say, 302 00:24:54,420 --> 00:25:01,900 oh, yes, I love that. I said it next to the tissues because you might need them when you 303 00:25:01,900 --> 00:25:09,140 read some of the truth corners. Yeah, I know. I I started, you know, just as this cathartic 304 00:25:09,140 --> 00:25:14,820 process of doing this, you know, kitchen sink dump. Like I literally wrote everything. And 305 00:25:14,820 --> 00:25:19,180 like I mentioned earlier, I'm a journal or so I've been journaling since I was 13. So 306 00:25:19,180 --> 00:25:26,580 I have everything just, you know, all of the moments and the feelings captured on paper. 307 00:25:26,580 --> 00:25:32,660 And so I had it. We used to be like 300, 350 pages of just dumping, dumping, dumping, dumping 308 00:25:32,660 --> 00:25:37,620 every single detail, every single day. And then and I started this process about 10 years 309 00:25:37,620 --> 00:25:45,300 ago. So when Arizona was around seven, eight and as she grew older and I was, you know, 310 00:25:45,300 --> 00:25:49,040 working on the book and sometimes I would have to take a long break because it was such 311 00:25:49,040 --> 00:25:54,620 an emotional right and can be very triggering for me sometimes. And I, you know, sometimes 312 00:25:54,620 --> 00:25:58,780 I need to keep moving forward in my life. And so I had to take some breaks from time 313 00:25:58,780 --> 00:26:03,660 to time. But, you know, as I was working on the book, you know, Arizona was like getting 314 00:26:03,660 --> 00:26:09,220 older. Right. And she was becoming more aware and cognizant of of what I was writing about. 315 00:26:09,220 --> 00:26:13,860 And I was always very trying to be as transparent as possible. Like this, I'm trying to tell 316 00:26:13,860 --> 00:26:21,860 my story to share with other families and parents, you know, some hopeful tips potentially. 317 00:26:21,860 --> 00:26:26,940 And and she really was like, yeah, I don't want you to tell a story about, you know, 318 00:26:26,940 --> 00:26:30,340 fill in the blank. And I don't want people to, you know, I'm, you know, mommy, I'm embarrassed 319 00:26:30,340 --> 00:26:37,420 and I don't do it right. So to the point that, you know, my I had this vision in my head 320 00:26:37,420 --> 00:26:41,940 since, you know, I was on the acupuncture table when Arizona was like five or six that 321 00:26:41,940 --> 00:26:47,820 I was going to write this book called A is for Arizona. Like the title was so clear because 322 00:26:47,820 --> 00:26:52,640 all of her diagnoses happened to start with the letter A. Right. Even with the allergies 323 00:26:52,640 --> 00:27:00,180 and the asthma, you know, autism spectrum disorder, ADHD, auditory processing disorder 324 00:27:00,180 --> 00:27:04,900 and anxiety. Everything was the letter A. And I just wanted to be like, oh, but no, 325 00:27:04,900 --> 00:27:08,220 but A is for Arizona. It's not for all these diagnoses. And she was like, yeah, you can't 326 00:27:08,220 --> 00:27:14,380 use my name. Is that why you refer to her as A in the novel? That's why I refer to her 327 00:27:14,380 --> 00:27:21,420 as A in the book. And she's by the way, totally okay with me talking about Arizona. You know, 328 00:27:21,420 --> 00:27:26,180 as I'm having this conversation with you openly and she's like, well, why don't you, why don't 329 00:27:26,180 --> 00:27:30,740 you call it A is for Ariana? And I was like, because that doesn't, that doesn't connect 330 00:27:30,740 --> 00:27:36,660 with me. Like, so then, you know, our compromise though, in order to be able to put this out 331 00:27:36,660 --> 00:27:41,220 in the world, because she was very adamant at, you know, a certain period of time where 332 00:27:41,220 --> 00:27:45,820 she was like, nope, you can't write this book, sorry. And I was like, oh, but I mean, if 333 00:27:45,820 --> 00:27:51,020 I sell some books, maybe I can buy you an American Girl doll, you know, that's her obsession. 334 00:27:51,020 --> 00:27:57,740 And so we came up with a compromise and that was she wrote the forward, okay. And in that 335 00:27:57,740 --> 00:28:02,740 forward, she was able to tell families what she wants them to be able to know about her 336 00:28:02,740 --> 00:28:07,540 and her journey and this journey. And one of the things that she said in the forward 337 00:28:07,540 --> 00:28:16,500 was I just want people to know mama that your true self is enough. I mean, so period, stop, 338 00:28:16,500 --> 00:28:22,060 period, end of story, done, say no more or whatever the young people say, say less, say 339 00:28:22,060 --> 00:28:33,180 less, low key, say less, low key. Oh my gosh. Oh my goodness. Right. So I was like, well, 340 00:28:33,180 --> 00:28:40,040 there we have it. And it is, I think that works for me. And I, you know, it's something 341 00:28:40,040 --> 00:28:47,500 that I need a constant reminder of daily. And the rest is history. Yeah, right. So that's 342 00:28:47,500 --> 00:28:52,380 how that came about. When you're talking about, you know, writing a memoir and in some of 343 00:28:52,380 --> 00:28:58,020 the things that you had just said, it sounds a lot like you're taking these decompression 344 00:28:58,020 --> 00:29:03,420 breaks as it was, because it's almost like you're confronting your demons when you're 345 00:29:03,420 --> 00:29:09,740 writing this book a little bit. You're really laying your whole life out for people. Is 346 00:29:09,740 --> 00:29:15,600 that part of the reason that the book includes the truth corners is kind of you leveling 347 00:29:15,600 --> 00:29:23,180 with yourself almost? Yes. Yes, absolutely. And I wanted to also make sure that even though 348 00:29:23,180 --> 00:29:29,380 I am, you know, was trying to tell my truth as vulnerably as possible, I also wanted to 349 00:29:29,380 --> 00:29:34,420 just also just like, and by the way, I just need to remind you that I am still a human 350 00:29:34,420 --> 00:29:39,340 being. Like, I don't know what I'm doing most of the time. Like I have not figured anything 351 00:29:39,340 --> 00:29:45,320 out. You know, at every stage of this parenting journey, something new has reared its head. 352 00:29:45,320 --> 00:29:50,140 And I'm like, I don't know what that means. And then forget about it. You know, when they 353 00:29:50,140 --> 00:29:56,380 hit puberty, it's like you have to start raising a completely different person. And then, you 354 00:29:56,380 --> 00:30:04,420 know, I'm, you know, in menopause at the same time, it's really fun, you know? So it like 355 00:30:04,420 --> 00:30:09,820 keeps you on your toes. But I, but I did, you know, the truth corners for me were like, 356 00:30:09,820 --> 00:30:14,820 okay, listen, you know, these are some hints and tips that may or may not work for you. 357 00:30:14,820 --> 00:30:21,220 And at the end of the day, it's like, lean into what is good for you, because what is 358 00:30:21,220 --> 00:30:26,660 good for you is good for the universe, period. And what is good for you is good for your 359 00:30:26,660 --> 00:30:31,960 child and your children. And what is great for you is great for your child or children 360 00:30:31,960 --> 00:30:38,920 and everyone around you. It is just absolutely unequivocally, you know, a fact if we can 361 00:30:38,920 --> 00:30:44,140 really lean into that messaging. And so I just never want anyone to feel like, ugh, 362 00:30:44,140 --> 00:30:49,780 well, I can't do that. She told me to find my joy. I can't find my joy. Yeah, forget 363 00:30:49,780 --> 00:30:57,180 the joy. Survival is a feat sometimes. Let's, let's even just decide like, you know, I 364 00:30:57,180 --> 00:31:01,940 want to be here tomorrow. I want to see what tomorrow brings, you know? And it just really 365 00:31:01,940 --> 00:31:08,420 is, it can, it's a very sort of, you know, it's, it's an inner journey that, that we 366 00:31:08,420 --> 00:31:13,700 can choose and lean into and everything is okay. And you are not wrong. And there's nothing 367 00:31:13,700 --> 00:31:19,540 broken, you know? There's nothing to fix with the way that you're feeling. It's just, we 368 00:31:19,540 --> 00:31:26,980 are human beings meant to, you know, have reactions and responses to all of these different 369 00:31:26,980 --> 00:31:33,180 facets of, of life just coming at us, you know? There is a, a lot of what you're saying 370 00:31:33,180 --> 00:31:38,620 really resonates with me where I am personally in my journey with three autistic children, 371 00:31:38,620 --> 00:31:43,300 but it also reminds me of something I've been seeing a lot on the internet, which is kind 372 00:31:43,300 --> 00:31:49,100 of this moment when youth in their teens realizing, you know, like, this is my mom's first time 373 00:31:49,100 --> 00:31:57,060 too. She's just a girl. She is trying to figure it out while also being here for me. This 374 00:31:57,060 --> 00:32:03,300 is her journey too. And I've been, I feel like that, that was kind of your book for 375 00:32:03,300 --> 00:32:10,140 me personally. This is another mom, you know, with a daughter who starts with A just like 376 00:32:10,140 --> 00:32:17,580 me, who's is autistic. And this is, she's experiencing all of this right alongside her 377 00:32:17,580 --> 00:32:25,380 A at the same time. And so it really resonated with me on that deep level. And there's not, 378 00:32:25,380 --> 00:32:31,540 there's honestly not a lot of the memoir type books that have that truth, kind of like real 379 00:32:31,540 --> 00:32:37,500 talk area where it's, you know, like, this is how we battled with allergies. This is 380 00:32:37,500 --> 00:32:41,740 how we battled, you know, there's a lot of, there's a whole kind of section in the book 381 00:32:41,740 --> 00:32:48,260 about what happens with school. Yeah. I'm touring schools and this worked out and this 382 00:32:48,260 --> 00:32:55,660 didn't and, and friends and culture. And it just, that really hit home for me. 383 00:32:55,660 --> 00:32:59,540 Mm hmm. That's so beautiful to hear. Thank you. 384 00:32:59,540 --> 00:33:05,900 Yeah, absolutely. And I know that this is going to be a book that it's, this book to 385 00:33:05,900 --> 00:33:09,580 me kind of seems like one of the books, it's not, you know, you read it and you put it 386 00:33:09,580 --> 00:33:13,860 on your shelf, you know, like, oh, I love this book. It gets, you know, on the highest 387 00:33:13,860 --> 00:33:18,220 tier of my shelf. This is one of those books where you read it and it doesn't stay with 388 00:33:18,220 --> 00:33:23,180 you. You pass it to a friend. Oh, this, I, I've highlighted this chapter for you because 389 00:33:23,180 --> 00:33:29,940 it'll, it's a sisterhood of the traveling book is what I hope this book kind of becomes 390 00:33:29,940 --> 00:33:37,220 because it really is so, it's not just facts. It's not just your story. It's just so inner 391 00:33:37,220 --> 00:33:45,860 woven with, with help and, and joy really. And it's just, it's beautiful. I really liked 392 00:33:45,860 --> 00:33:50,420 it for what it's worth. Going back a little bit earlier to something you had said when 393 00:33:50,420 --> 00:33:57,740 you, when you were feeling lonely and as if you didn't have kind of a network, especially 394 00:33:57,740 --> 00:34:04,060 right after Arizona got her diagnosis at any point in this journey, had you reached out 395 00:34:04,060 --> 00:34:10,420 to the parent training and information center, whether it was in California or if you were 396 00:34:10,420 --> 00:34:18,060 in another state? No. And, and, and in fact, even as we were, became clients of the regional 397 00:34:18,060 --> 00:34:24,260 center, there wasn't any offering in terms of, you know, support group or I had gone 398 00:34:24,260 --> 00:34:29,700 to a few support groups when I was experiencing postpartum depression and anxiety when Arizona 399 00:34:29,700 --> 00:34:36,340 was really young. And I, I had such a, I did not have positive experiences in those groups. 400 00:34:36,340 --> 00:34:43,020 I felt like I needed to be uplifted and I wasn't able to access that in those meetings. 401 00:34:43,020 --> 00:34:47,620 It had nothing to do with everyone else. It's just that I think that I was hoping for like 402 00:34:47,620 --> 00:34:52,160 a lifeline and I wasn't receiving it. I just felt like it was, we were all just talking 403 00:34:52,160 --> 00:34:57,580 about our horrible experiences and I was like, I just, but what do I do? You know what I 404 00:34:57,580 --> 00:35:04,820 mean? Tell me how do I fix it? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. So I know nothing was accessible 405 00:35:04,820 --> 00:35:11,820 to me. It wasn't until Arizona, you know, speaking of finding the right learning environment 406 00:35:11,820 --> 00:35:16,160 for your child, you know, had to go through that whole process of like, this is not the 407 00:35:16,160 --> 00:35:21,660 right place and it was a very hard process hearing that your child doesn't fit in like 408 00:35:21,660 --> 00:35:28,780 it's your fault. Right. And so we ended up at this very small therapeutic, you know, 409 00:35:28,780 --> 00:35:39,100 bare bones, like no frills, phenomenal, phenomenal therapeutic preschool and kindergarten. And 410 00:35:39,100 --> 00:35:44,660 that's when they, that's when I was introduced to support groups, like a parent group. And 411 00:35:44,660 --> 00:35:48,580 in fact, it was mandatory. Like if you're going to, if your child is going to be part 412 00:35:48,580 --> 00:35:54,100 of this program, cause they believed in, you know, healing the child by, you know, supporting 413 00:35:54,100 --> 00:36:01,460 the entire family. And so every Thursday morning, 9 a.m. after drop off, we had a mandatory 414 00:36:01,460 --> 00:36:06,660 one hour parent group. And I will tell you, we were there at that school for like two 415 00:36:06,660 --> 00:36:11,060 and a half years and you just make it work. You know, even as you're working or you're 416 00:36:11,060 --> 00:36:15,620 not working, whatever, you just, you just make it work because that's so impactful in 417 00:36:15,620 --> 00:36:21,940 terms of how supportive the program was going to be for the child. And I just remembered 418 00:36:21,940 --> 00:36:27,020 for the first year I would show up at those support groups and I just wept, you know, 419 00:36:27,020 --> 00:36:31,940 I just cried almost the entire, every time I opened my mouth to share something, I'm 420 00:36:31,940 --> 00:36:38,100 like, can't, can't talk, just crying because I just finally felt like I'm in the safe space. 421 00:36:38,100 --> 00:36:42,900 You know, I'm finally building my, my own community, you know, my tribe. I couldn't 422 00:36:42,900 --> 00:36:50,300 find it. I didn't, I didn't know where to find it before now, but it's, it's becoming 423 00:36:50,300 --> 00:36:56,460 clear to me that there are others like me that are out there. Yeah. You know? Yeah. 424 00:36:56,460 --> 00:37:06,580 Well, no more spoilers. The book is Your True Self is Enough by the lovely human mom, author, 425 00:37:06,580 --> 00:37:19,460 speaker, coach, Suzanna Peace-Laville. Thank you. 426 00:37:19,460 --> 00:37:25,460 Thank you so much everyone out there for listening in and know that if you are in Idaho or planning 427 00:37:25,460 --> 00:37:32,220 on moving to Idaho and have questions on systems or services for children with disabilities, 428 00:37:32,220 --> 00:37:40,740 please consider reaching out to us on our website at iPull Idaho. That's I-P-U-L Idaho.org 429 00:37:40,740 --> 00:37:49,620 or by calling us at 208-342-5884. Be sure to tune in next time. Until then, this has 430 00:37:49,620 --> 00:38:03,140 been Unlimited Parenting. Thanks for listening.