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Welcome to Fit to Be Real and a little extra.

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And I think Carly has some subliminal messaging to tell us today.

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You mean the whole episode in general?

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Yeah.

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I, when I was researching this, I kept thinking and shortly we'll tell you actually what

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we're talking about, but I was thinking I can be like this sometimes.

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I think everybody can.

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I think everybody.

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But some people like live in it.

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They live in it.

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I am finding as I'm going back in my mind about certain situations, I'm like, oh gosh,

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I totally can be like this and I don't want to be.

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Well, there's no saving you, but maybe save the rest of us for the Festivus.

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Thank you, Seinfeld.

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What is it?

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Festivus for the rest of us.

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Yeah, it's Festivus for the rest of us.

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That's going old school.

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Our younger generation is not going to know Seinfeld.

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If you want to go retro, what is it, vintage?

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Vintage, yeah.

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Vintage watch Seinfeld.

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It's good.

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My goodness.

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Ageless, they might say.

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Except they wouldn't understand having the phone connected to the wall.

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No.

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Or a beeper.

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Or a beeper.

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They had beepers.

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Yeah.

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Ah, the beeper.

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For hailing a taxi.

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Yeah.

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I know.

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Oh, wow.

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Yeah, so you're going, it's like the equivalent to us watching I Love Lucy or Laverne and

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Shirley when we were.

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Oh my God.

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Really?

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Yeah, it is.

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It really is.

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Isn't that sad?

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So I was with Ryan, a friend of ours who's a teacher, high school teacher, and she does

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for six weeks film studies.

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She gets to teach film studies.

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And so they go through genres.

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They go through, you know, drama, comedy, horror.

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They get, I think, a week per whatever she decides and then the very end of the six weeks

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she's telling me they do, I love the 80s.

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Oh, really?

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And she shows them goonies, breakfast club, like the classics.

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Ryan, I want to be in your class from the 80s.

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And then she does like a, hey, tell me what your favorite was for the past six weeks.

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I guess it's like a six week study or whatever.

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And all of them, she said collectively, it's everybody picks the 80s is their favorite

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thing, and they're always shocked that the movies are so good.

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And when she's like, they look so real.

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She's like, yeah, there's no CGI back then.

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Yeah.

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Like it's just people acting.

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No, like little green screen.

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Yeah.

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That's it.

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But it's like, I think of Molly Ringwald.

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Right.

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Every one of her movies.

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Corey Feldman, Corey Hayne.

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I feel like the, what the kids are crying for is a simpler time.

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Maybe that's like the, what we should be getting out of this study.

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Yeah.

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And the problem here, and this has nothing to do with anything we're going to talk about

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today is that they can't get through a movie.

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They can't sit.

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Your kids can.

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Oh, my kids are, we call them TV zombies.

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Your kids can sit through a two and a half, three hour movie.

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Yeah.

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They really, you know, liked it.

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Even Dean.

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He doesn't move.

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He's five.

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But the high schoolers at Dan's that we talked to, our other niece and nephew, they can't

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sit through a movie because everything's quick.

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Everything's a YouTube video.

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Or short.

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Right.

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Short.

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That's, you know, tops 10 minutes.

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So like an hour and a half.

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I don't even know how long the breakfast club is, but that, it's like, it needs to be broken

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down.

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Yeah.

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And they pull out their phones, but they're like, yeah, I watched the movie, but like

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you really didn't watch the whole movie because you pulled out your phone for 10 minutes.

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Everybody take a second.

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When is the last time you watched a television show and or a movie without your phone in

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your hand also scrolling and doing something else?

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I cannot name one.

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I was doing it last night.

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Scrolling and watching.

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I was working on my computer and watching TV.

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I did for all of Ted Lasso.

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I just sat and watched Ted Lasso.

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I did.

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I did not scroll or do anything else.

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Wait, but how good was it?

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Oh my God.

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Right.

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Wait, did you finish it?

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Oh yeah.

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Oh yeah.

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Did you feel sad?

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I miss that.

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But I know that another season's coming.

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So like I didn't feel sad.

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Right.

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And when I finished it, that was it.

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There was no fourth season.

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It was a good ending though.

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Yes.

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It was a good ending, but there was no fourth season in the works.

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And it looked like they patched everything up.

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Yeah.

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That's but yeah.

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It's the I think the only series I've ever finished that I was like, oh, that's it's

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a satisfying ending.

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They did a good job with the ending.

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They did, you know, they did all the characters well.

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I want Andrew to be Ted Lasso for Halloween, but I don't know who I'd be.

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Keely.

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Oh shut up.

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You would be Keely or Higgins.

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Shut up.

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Leslie Higgins.

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If you haven't watched Ted Lasso and you have no idea what we're talking about, get

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on our level.

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It is so good.

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I was late.

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I was very late to the game.

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Jamie Tart.

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Oh, so good.

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Jamie Tart.

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Jamie Tart.

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Roy Kent.

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Andrew and I saw Roy Kent.

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Couldn't tell you his real name.

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We saw his live show in Philly.

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He's actually a comedian and we went to see him live and he's hysterical.

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I would just listen to him say the F for every five seconds.

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He does.

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In real life.

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His character is very much based on him.

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He's a curmudgeon.

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I love it.

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Yeah.

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But he said the F for every five seconds and he's really funny and he was actually a musical

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theater major.

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Roy Kent.

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What?

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Yeah.

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See, I think anyone with a British accent can curse all they want.

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There's something about that that's less like.

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That's cute.

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Like, trashy.

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Not plastic.

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Yeah.

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When you have a British accent attached to it, I'm not going to do it now.

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You should do it for mom and see what she says.

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You should just say the F word with a British accent to mom.

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Well, you're allowed to curse in front of mom and mom doesn't care.

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I say it.

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I'm 39.

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No, I'm not.

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I'm 38.

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I will be 39.

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Whoa.

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Whoa.

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I know.

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And I will still get sent to my room.

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That is such a bullshit.

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That is such bullshit.

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Not true.

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Anyway, we digress.

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So much.

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So much.

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We digress.

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Seinfeld and Ted Lasso, please.

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What are we talking about today, Victoria?

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Well, we are talking about victim mentality.

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That is correct.

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So thank you.

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I did my homework.

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So I think, like you said, you have noticed tendencies or like if you think of situations,

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you're like, oh gosh, I kind of ruminated in that a little bit longer.

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I catastrophize.

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I think that's mine.

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I go to like the worst case scenario.

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Yeah.

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And I try to go through all the scenarios, but like the worst case scenario is my go-to

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of like, ah, and then I bring it back down.

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However, some people can't bring it back down.

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It just, you live in that world.

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So we're just going to talk about noticing the behaviors.

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So maybe you can kind of do this for yourself and be like, oh, you know what, that is my

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go-to or that is, I don't really do that.

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And then how to sort of like be aware of it and how to get yourself out of it.

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How to get yourself out of it is I think the big one.

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Noticing that you're doing it is definitely the first step.

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So even if you can't figure out how to get yourself out, because that's a little bit

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harder, noticing that you're doing it again is the first step.

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Very good.

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Try it again.

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Try it with a British accent.

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The first step.

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The first step.

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Nope.

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Nope.

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That's Southern.

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And I don't even know what state from the south.

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Guys, I'm never going to make it to Broadway.

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I don't think you are.

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Carly's a little under the weather.

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Wait, if I'm not, horse from Vegas.

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I have a cold.

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My children have been in school for one month and they have brought me a cold.

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Let's begin.

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I'm Victoria.

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Hey, guys, I'm Carly.

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Oh, you're Australian.

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Did I do a good one?

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I don't think so, but it definitely wasn't British.

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I might.

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Carly, why are you Carly?

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You're what?

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What?

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Never stop.

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You must do the entire episode like that.

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I have so much day cool in me right now.

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Day cool makes you Australian.

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Yes.

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You know, Tequila makes her clothes fall off.

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Day cool makes you Australian.

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Yes.

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So let's talk about something serious.

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I seriously can list in my head like people that live in this world that I know.

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Yes.

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I know.

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Because it's common and it's it takes a toll on everyone around you.

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I was just going to say, I feel like you can see it in other people more than you can

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see it in yourself.

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And you can.

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Well, sure.

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Yeah, which is also a type of victim mentality when you can see it in others, but not yourself.

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You're like, well, you're doing that too.

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Like, but you don't see it.

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You mean blaming?

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No.

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I mean, you can you can pinpoint somebody.

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Like awareness.

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Yeah.

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You have no awareness that you yourself are doing it or are living in that type of world,

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but you can pinpoint that person.

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That person, it will.

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So are you.

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Yeah.

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She can't see it.

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Yeah.

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Which I think was my problem.

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And then I started researching it and it was like, ask yourself these questions.

271
00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:19,160
Do you?

272
00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:20,160
And I was like, oh my God.

273
00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:21,880
Yeah, I've done that before.

274
00:09:21,880 --> 00:09:22,880
Yeah.

275
00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:24,240
I don't want to do that.

276
00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:31,320
And also, I think, I mean, you'll see it's part environmental.

277
00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:39,720
So if you grew up with a parent that was yeah, victim mentality or an aunt or uncle or brother

278
00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:45,520
or a sister, anybody in your circle, as you were forming your own personality and thoughts

279
00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:47,000
and everything like that, it trickles in.

280
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:48,120
It's in.

281
00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:54,560
So that I think is why everybody has the ability because there's one in every family

282
00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:55,560
I would assume.

283
00:09:55,560 --> 00:09:57,120
What is that nature versus nurture?

284
00:09:57,120 --> 00:10:00,280
Like if you're around it, you become it.

285
00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:05,760
And you can't fight the environment that you're in at the formative years to a degree.

286
00:10:05,760 --> 00:10:13,400
So it's now as you age out and you get to be in the adult stage, it is your responsibility

287
00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:20,240
to make the change, become aware and function accordingly.

288
00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:22,360
So what is victim mentality?

289
00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:28,120
We can say the words all we want, but unless you know what it is, you're like, what is

290
00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:29,120
that?

291
00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:30,640
I'm sorry, what are you like?

292
00:10:30,640 --> 00:10:33,120
What are you like?

293
00:10:33,120 --> 00:10:37,120
Victim, I'm not laughing at this because it's sort of serious.

294
00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:39,120
Yeah, yeah.

295
00:10:39,120 --> 00:10:40,120
OK.

296
00:10:40,120 --> 00:10:41,120
I'm not laughing.

297
00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:46,040
Victim mentality is where you often feel like the victim when the evidence says otherwise

298
00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:52,040
or signs include blaming others, having trouble accepting personal responsibility.

299
00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:57,400
You can't see yourself as the problem and you feel like the world is out to get you

300
00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:58,640
at all times.

301
00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:03,440
That life is happening to you instead of for you.

302
00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:09,880
And everybody in your path is the problem and you are the victim.

303
00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:12,680
For every situation.

304
00:11:12,680 --> 00:11:15,960
So that is what victim mentality is.

305
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:20,120
And if you're sitting there thinking, well, I definitely don't do that, you might not

306
00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:23,080
be doing that all the time.

307
00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:29,440
But I have had times in my life where I was like, why is this happening to me?

308
00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:31,280
Why is this happening to me?

309
00:11:31,280 --> 00:11:34,200
It's about the control, lack of control.

310
00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:38,920
It's situations that are out of your hands and you feel like they could have been your

311
00:11:38,920 --> 00:11:43,960
hands and you just missed the boat or something that quite literally is out of your control

312
00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:49,560
and you do the what was me, the pity me instead of, OK, this door closed, what window is open?

313
00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:50,560
Let me go this route.

314
00:11:50,560 --> 00:11:52,160
It's basically problem solving.

315
00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:55,320
A lack of problem solving skills.

316
00:11:55,320 --> 00:12:01,720
Some of this victim mentality stems from exactly what Victoria said.

317
00:12:01,720 --> 00:12:05,600
Multiple situations where you don't feel like you're in control.

318
00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:10,000
Feeling emotional pain that leads to learned helplessness.

319
00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:13,680
If not helplessness, learned helplessness.

320
00:12:13,680 --> 00:12:18,840
Very different because that is actually not ingrained in you.

321
00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:19,840
Right, exactly.

322
00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:28,320
It's behavior that you have learned from somebody else, usually a parent.

323
00:12:28,320 --> 00:12:30,880
And betrayal by someone closest to you.

324
00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:36,520
So sometimes you might be thinking, well, that person betrayed me, it's their problem.

325
00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:43,440
But then maybe you were a cause for that in some other way, but you are not going to blame

326
00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:44,440
yourself.

327
00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:46,560
It is the complete other person's problem.

328
00:12:46,560 --> 00:12:49,080
It's a two way street always.

329
00:12:49,080 --> 00:12:54,080
So there's some other just some other reasons, you know, always alcohol and drugs come to

330
00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:59,080
play if that's something that is in your lifestyle.

331
00:12:59,080 --> 00:13:04,640
Like you'll go to that to help yourself or well, no, it feeds into it.

332
00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:06,320
Depression makes it stronger.

333
00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:07,720
Alcohol makes it stronger.

334
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:09,400
Use of drugs makes it stronger.

335
00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:13,640
And that is when you feel the world is crashing down on you the most.

336
00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:17,720
So it always that always just enhances it or like levels levels it up.

337
00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:19,200
Basically, then you like drink more.

338
00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:25,960
Yeah, you are taking substances to ease the pain, the mental and the emotional pain.

339
00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:28,120
I mean, haven't you felt at?

340
00:13:28,120 --> 00:13:29,120
Pain?

341
00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:30,120
Yes.

342
00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:31,120
Every Tuesday morning.

343
00:13:31,120 --> 00:13:32,600
I love laughing at that.

344
00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:34,600
Haven't you felt pain?

345
00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:38,520
There's gotta be a better way.

346
00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:44,640
No, I can name a couple situations in a row too.

347
00:13:44,640 --> 00:13:49,160
Like when you just feel like the month is just out to get you and it has been a horrible

348
00:13:49,160 --> 00:13:51,680
month or it has been a horrible three months.

349
00:13:51,680 --> 00:13:52,760
So like, why is it horrible?

350
00:13:52,760 --> 00:13:56,040
Because you're just thinking about things in a bad way.

351
00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:57,040
Or exactly.

352
00:13:57,040 --> 00:13:59,160
You're just in a negative mindset.

353
00:13:59,160 --> 00:14:00,160
Constantly.

354
00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:03,360
You think negative things are going to happen to you.

355
00:14:03,360 --> 00:14:04,360
Right.

356
00:14:04,360 --> 00:14:06,920
But you're making those negative things happen.

357
00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:09,560
Right, because you're thinking negatively.

358
00:14:09,560 --> 00:14:10,560
Karma is a B.

359
00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:12,360
No, karma is fair.

360
00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:14,960
You love saying that.

361
00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:18,520
Karma is a B because you're a B. Karma is real happy and joyful if you're real happy

362
00:14:18,520 --> 00:14:19,520
and joyful.

363
00:14:19,520 --> 00:14:20,520
Is that a yoga thing?

364
00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:21,520
What comes to you?

365
00:14:21,520 --> 00:14:23,120
No, what you, it's literally what you just said.

366
00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:25,360
What you put out is what you're going to get back.

367
00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:32,280
So if I'm putting out good actions, philanthropic, helping people pay it forward, I'm going to

368
00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:34,480
get the pay it forward back to me.

369
00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:40,520
If I am cheating, hurting other people, only living for myself with no empathy, that's

370
00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:42,120
all I'm going to receive.

371
00:14:42,120 --> 00:14:45,120
You're going to, people like that will find you because that's what you're putting out

372
00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:46,120
there.

373
00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:47,840
So karma isn't a B. Karma is very fair.

374
00:14:47,840 --> 00:14:49,560
What you give is what you get.

375
00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:54,440
So if I'm a B, then my karma is going to be a B.

376
00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:56,480
That's the exact thing I said.

377
00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:57,480
Yeah.

378
00:14:57,480 --> 00:15:01,920
In a, in a slower way.

379
00:15:01,920 --> 00:15:02,920
Define slower.

380
00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:03,920
Okay.

381
00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:09,440
We're going to go through some behavioral signs of victim mentality and you really need

382
00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:15,440
to ask yourself, you know, alone in your car, these questions, if maybe, yeah, in your

383
00:15:15,440 --> 00:15:21,240
car, don't be in your room, don't be in an office space, cleaning, be behind the wheel,

384
00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:22,240
people.

385
00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:24,720
You're some behavioral signs of victim.

386
00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:26,040
I hope you spit your coffee out.

387
00:15:26,040 --> 00:15:28,360
That would be karma as being a fair B.

388
00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:29,360
That exactly.

389
00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:30,360
Exactly.

390
00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:32,360
Because I was being a B. A beach.

391
00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:33,360
A beach.

392
00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:34,360
Yeah.

393
00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:40,200
Some behavioral signs, placing blame on others or external factors, having trouble taking

394
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:45,080
personal responsibility or seeing how you may have contributed to a situation.

395
00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:46,760
That's a big one for me, I think.

396
00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:47,760
Sure is.

397
00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:50,000
Because I never think I contribute to it.

398
00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:58,880
Harley cannot own up to her, I don't know, a mistake or, or getting it wrong and it caused

399
00:15:58,880 --> 00:15:59,880
like a little issue.

400
00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:00,880
Yeah.

401
00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:02,080
Like something that's minor.

402
00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:03,080
Yeah.

403
00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:04,080
Right.

404
00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:05,080
She cannot do it.

405
00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:06,080
She cannot do it.

406
00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:08,360
I can in my mind, but I can't with my mouth.

407
00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:10,760
Like, I know I'm fully aware.

408
00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:14,680
I'm fully aware up there, but my mouth won't let me say it.

409
00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:19,960
And even when the proof is in your hands, literally with the phone and she's looking at it, she's

410
00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:22,000
like, yeah, well, you know, I don't know.

411
00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:23,000
I don't know.

412
00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:24,000
Yeah.

413
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:25,000
But you're like, no, no, we all know.

414
00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:26,000
We all know.

415
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:34,400
But my mind knows and I can't get myself to voice it, to admit your responsibility.

416
00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:36,160
The next one, you victim.

417
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:39,360
Being overly critical of yourself or others.

418
00:16:39,360 --> 00:16:40,360
Everybody.

419
00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:41,360
Everybody does that.

420
00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:42,360
Yeah.

421
00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:43,360
Self-sabotage.

422
00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:44,360
I think everybody does that.

423
00:16:44,360 --> 00:16:45,360
Does that do?

424
00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:46,360
Yeah.

425
00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:47,480
Associating only with people who think like you.

426
00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:51,320
So that's the environmental thing too, because you're going to, we said this once in like

427
00:16:51,320 --> 00:16:52,640
a fitness podcast.

428
00:16:52,640 --> 00:16:53,640
Yeah.

429
00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:59,560
Who you hang out with is how your behaviors will start to, you know, seep into your life.

430
00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:03,120
So if you want to live in a healthy track, you kind of have to surround yourself with

431
00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:04,120
people who I can't.

432
00:17:04,120 --> 00:17:05,120
No, just say it again.

433
00:17:05,120 --> 00:17:06,760
I'm not going to bypass that.

434
00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:07,760
I couldn't.

435
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:08,760
Wow.

436
00:17:08,760 --> 00:17:09,760
You are a beach.

437
00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:13,680
Carmen is gonna get you.

438
00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:16,000
Dayquel is gonna get you.

439
00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:17,520
I think you'd be nicer with Dayquel.

440
00:17:17,520 --> 00:17:19,440
I'm blaming it on somebody else.

441
00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:20,440
Yeah.

442
00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:21,440
Yeah.

443
00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:22,440
This really is about, okay.

444
00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:26,000
So, I don't know what I was saying.

445
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:30,040
Oh, so if you want to be healthy, you're going to have to surround yourself with healthy

446
00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:31,800
people like the buddy system always works.

447
00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:32,800
Yeah.

448
00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:38,680
So in terms of this behavior, if you are an e-wurr, you got to get a Winnie the Pooh.

449
00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:39,760
You got to get a piglet.

450
00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:42,160
You can't just live with a little bunch of e-wurs.

451
00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:46,800
I agree, but when you're saying that at the same time, if I'm a Winnie the Pooh, it is

452
00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:49,960
so hard for me to hang out with an e-wurr.

453
00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:52,240
Like I have no time for that.

454
00:17:52,240 --> 00:17:53,240
It's so hard.

455
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:55,840
No one ever said I was a good friend.

456
00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:58,040
So that has never been said about me.

457
00:17:58,040 --> 00:18:03,760
So I understand that because I have a very hard time dealing with stuff like that.

458
00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:05,000
Yeah.

459
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:06,000
You're good at it.

460
00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:09,240
You're good at talking people, you know.

461
00:18:09,240 --> 00:18:11,200
Carly's like, yeah, jump, jump.

462
00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:12,640
Just freaking jump.

463
00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:13,640
There's nothing else.

464
00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:14,640
No.

465
00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:15,640
And I'm like, come here.

466
00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:16,640
Yeah.

467
00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:17,640
Victoria's like, let me talk you off the ledge.

468
00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:19,200
And I'm like, if this is really what you want, do it.

469
00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:20,600
If it's not, get down.

470
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:21,600
You bitch.

471
00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:27,040
No, but I'm like, I feel like I'm a realist and you are more of a realist in being like,

472
00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:30,400
we need, you need some empathy towards this person.

473
00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:32,480
I mean, everybody's going through something.

474
00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:33,720
This just happened to me the other day.

475
00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:34,720
What was I like?

476
00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:35,720
All right.

477
00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:36,720
Was it me?

478
00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:37,720
No.

479
00:18:37,720 --> 00:18:39,720
No, I wasn't with you.

480
00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:45,880
Oh, I was driving in Kentucky, which was scary enough because they make their own rules.

481
00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:47,480
Yeah, they don't have driving rules in Kentucky.

482
00:18:47,480 --> 00:18:50,000
They really don't have road rules at all.

483
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:51,400
They go over medians.

484
00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:53,440
Like it's not like in front of the police.

485
00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:54,440
Yeah, like you can.

486
00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:55,760
And the police are like waving.

487
00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:58,400
Hey, they're just crossing lines.

488
00:18:58,400 --> 00:18:59,400
Yeah.

489
00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:03,200
So it gave me a little stress.

490
00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:07,520
But a lot of people were not a lot of people, but there were there was a situation where

491
00:19:07,520 --> 00:19:12,600
somebody was just angry and like road raging.

492
00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:13,960
I think it was towards me.

493
00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:14,960
I don't know.

494
00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:15,960
I don't know.

495
00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:18,640
Like I think I did something wrong.

496
00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:24,280
What happened was when you go off like your following ways, you take a ramp off, but you

497
00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:25,280
there's two options.

498
00:19:25,280 --> 00:19:26,280
Yeah.

499
00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:29,040
You take the ramp and you have to stay in the left or go to the right.

500
00:19:29,040 --> 00:19:32,880
Well, I didn't know it was that quick and I didn't know I had to be in one lane.

501
00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:33,880
Yeah.

502
00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:36,720
So then you have to like move fast and I'm cutting people off because I also am driving

503
00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:39,800
my brother's car and it's old so I couldn't change the mirrors.

504
00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:42,840
I have to like situation myself to so I can say.

505
00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:49,160
So I was making a lot of a lot of I should apologize to the state, but I think I caused

506
00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:51,920
somebody to just go off.

507
00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:52,920
Yeah.

508
00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:54,880
And in and yeah, they could just have road rage.

509
00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:57,880
Like they could just be somebody who cannot handle whatever.

510
00:19:57,880 --> 00:19:58,880
Yeah.

511
00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:00,880
And that's probably its own trauma and issue.

512
00:20:00,880 --> 00:20:02,360
But I was like, they're having a bad day.

513
00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:03,560
They're late to get to work.

514
00:20:03,560 --> 00:20:05,240
It was my fault.

515
00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:09,160
Like I hope their day gets better because you have to put that out there.

516
00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:13,680
Even if that person didn't hear me say any of that for myself.

517
00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:18,960
So I wasn't like you idiot like getting mad for no reason and just like harboring that

518
00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:23,040
if you think of it as like anything being stored in your body.

519
00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:24,040
Like I don't want that.

520
00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:25,040
I don't want that.

521
00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:26,280
You don't want that negativity.

522
00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:27,280
Yeah.

523
00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:28,440
So yeah.

524
00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:32,240
Well, Tyler, she's doing yoga right.

525
00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:35,480
Kudos.

526
00:20:35,480 --> 00:20:36,480
It's hard.

527
00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:37,480
Yeah.

528
00:20:37,480 --> 00:20:42,400
And I certainly am not patting myself or putting myself patting myself on the back and putting

529
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:47,920
myself on a pedestal because I don't successfully think this way 100% of the time seven days

530
00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:48,920
a week.

531
00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:49,920
Yeah.

532
00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:51,520
Like not even close.

533
00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:56,840
But if I have the wherewithal in those moments to think of it, then I will try.

534
00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:57,840
I will try.

535
00:20:57,840 --> 00:20:58,840
Yeah.

536
00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:00,240
But you know, everyone's human.

537
00:21:00,240 --> 00:21:01,240
All right.

538
00:21:01,240 --> 00:21:03,560
Tyler, you're doing a decent job.

539
00:21:03,560 --> 00:21:04,960
Sometimes she's doing yoga right.

540
00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:05,960
All right.

541
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:10,040
Let's go through some mental signs.

542
00:21:10,040 --> 00:21:14,680
These were big ones for me when I read these because I was like, oh, damn it.

543
00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:15,680
This is me sometimes.

544
00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:17,320
This first one is like, yeah.

545
00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:20,400
Seeing the world as an unfair or unsafe place.

546
00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:21,400
I don't.

547
00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:24,520
Well, I am a fair person.

548
00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:25,520
Yes.

549
00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:29,800
I literally was outside on the phone with Andrew before I walked in here when having an argument

550
00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:31,680
about fairness.

551
00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:34,000
I have to be fair.

552
00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:37,800
And that's just something that's ingrained in me and like is so important to me.

553
00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:38,800
Why?

554
00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:39,800
Mom didn't do that.

555
00:21:39,800 --> 00:21:40,800
Did she?

556
00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:41,800
Yeah.

557
00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:42,800
Mom was a very fair person.

558
00:21:42,800 --> 00:21:47,960
Like we always got, we didn't get the same things, but we always got taken care of in

559
00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:50,040
a fair way.

560
00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:51,160
You didn't get the same thing as me.

561
00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:52,560
I didn't get the same thing as Billy.

562
00:21:52,560 --> 00:21:57,120
No, because you put a stink up because, but we were all fair.

563
00:21:57,120 --> 00:22:01,840
And when something is unfair, I cannot handle it.

564
00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:05,040
And I see that in my kids, all of them.

565
00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:07,240
So that, that's a mental sign.

566
00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:08,840
That's a very hard one to get.

567
00:22:08,840 --> 00:22:10,160
Life isn't fair.

568
00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:12,520
And at 38, I'm still learning that.

569
00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:13,520
It's not fair.

570
00:22:13,520 --> 00:22:16,160
But why does it bother you?

571
00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:20,520
Because I am like a fair person.

572
00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:21,520
What, like it's hard?

573
00:22:21,520 --> 00:22:22,520
You're not fair.

574
00:22:22,520 --> 00:22:23,520
No, I'm fair.

575
00:22:23,520 --> 00:22:24,520
I'm not fair.

576
00:22:24,520 --> 00:22:25,520
Oh.

577
00:22:25,520 --> 00:22:27,520
I am very fair.

578
00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:31,520
What am I not fair with?

579
00:22:31,520 --> 00:22:33,520
Let me get higher.

580
00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:34,520
I'm so scared.

581
00:22:34,520 --> 00:22:36,520
I'm so scared right now.

582
00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:37,880
I hear hearing this.

583
00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:38,880
I died.

584
00:22:38,880 --> 00:22:41,520
Come get my body from the basement.

585
00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:44,520
Oh, you think I'm going down steps?

586
00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:46,520
Throw me down.

587
00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:47,520
Yeah.

588
00:22:47,520 --> 00:22:48,520
Yeah.

589
00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:49,520
Yeah.

590
00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:50,520
I am a very fair person.

591
00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:54,520
I, um, I have no, nothing to back that up with.

592
00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:59,960
I would like to know in light, like with your children, because I think that's really the

593
00:22:59,960 --> 00:23:02,080
forefront of your life right now.

594
00:23:02,080 --> 00:23:03,200
I am so fair.

595
00:23:03,200 --> 00:23:04,520
Am I not fair with you?

596
00:23:04,520 --> 00:23:06,160
You're so fair with your children.

597
00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:07,840
You're causing their issue with it.

598
00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:08,840
Oh, I know.

599
00:23:08,840 --> 00:23:13,520
Because like if they, one kid gets one thing, then the other two expect something.

600
00:23:13,520 --> 00:23:18,520
Well, so I just read this thing that I've been trying to say to them and it's not working.

601
00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:19,520
What?

602
00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:22,120
They, they're not taking it.

603
00:23:22,120 --> 00:23:25,560
I mean, Lewis is the big, one of the biggest ones when he says it's not fair.

604
00:23:25,560 --> 00:23:33,640
I read that you should say you do not have the same things as your sibling, but, and

605
00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:34,880
that's okay.

606
00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:38,520
But what I will always make sure of is that you're taking care of.

607
00:23:38,520 --> 00:23:40,400
Do you have what you need?

608
00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:41,720
Does she have what she needs?

609
00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:45,120
I don't think you're saying that to them as well.

610
00:23:45,120 --> 00:23:46,120
As that I just did.

611
00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:47,120
Yeah.

612
00:23:47,120 --> 00:23:48,120
What do you need?

613
00:23:48,120 --> 00:23:49,120
Yes.

614
00:23:49,120 --> 00:23:50,120
What do you need?

615
00:23:50,120 --> 00:23:51,120
She has one.

616
00:23:51,120 --> 00:23:54,120
I think that's more of a fair.

617
00:23:54,120 --> 00:23:59,120
I'm going to take care of you for the rest of your life.

618
00:23:59,120 --> 00:24:00,120
You're fine.

619
00:24:00,120 --> 00:24:02,120
He's like, it's not fair.

620
00:24:02,120 --> 00:24:05,920
That's I think how I said it, but no, it's, but that's true though.

621
00:24:05,920 --> 00:24:06,920
Yeah.

622
00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:10,560
You're not always going to get the same things, but I will always make sure that I, that you're

623
00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:13,520
taking care of and are you taking care of.

624
00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:16,520
And he's like, no, because I want that same thing that she's got.

625
00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:17,840
And you, that's all I read.

626
00:24:17,840 --> 00:24:19,360
I don't have another sentence.

627
00:24:19,360 --> 00:24:20,880
Oh, oh, read more.

628
00:24:20,880 --> 00:24:21,880
Okay.

629
00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:23,280
You should read more.

630
00:24:23,280 --> 00:24:25,080
So that was only the first mental sign.

631
00:24:25,080 --> 00:24:26,080
Yeah.

632
00:24:26,080 --> 00:24:31,720
It's a big one though, because I think everyone has some sort of, it's not fair.

633
00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:33,680
Like I'm going to get stuck in this.

634
00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:36,720
It's not fair in my mind because it's easier.

635
00:24:36,720 --> 00:24:38,400
She got this job over me.

636
00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:39,400
It's not fair.

637
00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:40,400
No.

638
00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:43,520
But you're not thinking of as the why or how.

639
00:24:43,520 --> 00:24:45,120
What did, what could I have done better?

640
00:24:45,120 --> 00:24:46,120
All right.

641
00:24:46,120 --> 00:24:47,120
What did she have?

642
00:24:47,120 --> 00:24:48,120
Who did she know?

643
00:24:48,120 --> 00:24:49,920
Maybe she was related to somebody.

644
00:24:49,920 --> 00:24:50,920
She knew somebody.

645
00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:52,520
She went to school with somebody.

646
00:24:52,520 --> 00:24:53,720
There are other reasons.

647
00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:54,720
No.

648
00:24:54,720 --> 00:25:00,280
Um, the next month, Victoria already talked about actually cognitive distortions or catastrophizing.

649
00:25:00,280 --> 00:25:06,560
So making things the biggest problem in the world and putting like anxiety to it.

650
00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:08,240
Like you make up the future.

651
00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:14,520
You make up the situation and you live off of that.

652
00:25:14,520 --> 00:25:18,520
The end mic drop.

653
00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:22,400
I am a LeBourg's case scenario person.

654
00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:25,640
I wish I was a best case scenario.

655
00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:27,800
I am like 50-50.

656
00:25:27,800 --> 00:25:29,240
I think it depends.

657
00:25:29,240 --> 00:25:30,680
I think it depends.

658
00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:35,800
I mean, I just went through a situation where Carly was like, yeah, but, but pay attention

659
00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:38,560
to what was said and pay attention to how it went down.

660
00:25:38,560 --> 00:25:40,440
It, it feels like it's more like this.

661
00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:43,560
And I was like, nope, nope, it's done.

662
00:25:43,560 --> 00:25:44,560
It's over.

663
00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:45,560
Yeah.

664
00:25:45,560 --> 00:25:46,560
Uh-uh.

665
00:25:46,560 --> 00:25:48,720
I was like, I'm gonna go down and then I would be proven wrong.

666
00:25:48,720 --> 00:25:52,000
And she'd be like, okay, are you good?

667
00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:53,240
Are you done now?

668
00:25:53,240 --> 00:25:54,720
So was I right?

669
00:25:54,720 --> 00:25:55,720
Yeah.

670
00:25:55,720 --> 00:25:56,720
Yes.

671
00:25:56,720 --> 00:25:58,720
That's annoying.

672
00:25:58,720 --> 00:26:04,520
Um, but because usually when you're in it, like it's hard to be under the cloud and be

673
00:26:04,520 --> 00:26:07,080
like, oh, let me lift this umbrella up and save myself.

674
00:26:07,080 --> 00:26:09,520
It's like, no, you can't see anything else.

675
00:26:09,520 --> 00:26:13,920
And you don't want to listen to anybody else who might have a different perspective or seeing

676
00:26:13,920 --> 00:26:15,440
it differently than you are.

677
00:26:15,440 --> 00:26:18,960
We might be reading the same sentence and I take it one way and you're taking it another

678
00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:19,960
way.

679
00:26:19,960 --> 00:26:20,960
Exactly.

680
00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:21,960
And that's, I think exactly what happened.

681
00:26:21,960 --> 00:26:24,240
Um, so go me.

682
00:26:24,240 --> 00:26:29,320
Harmful thinking patterns or pessimism, just being in a negative space at all times.

683
00:26:29,320 --> 00:26:30,320
Yeah.

684
00:26:30,320 --> 00:26:32,480
Ruminating over past wrongs and hurts.

685
00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:33,840
This is a big one for me.

686
00:26:33,840 --> 00:26:35,520
I have a hard time letting go.

687
00:26:35,520 --> 00:26:39,080
So it sits in my body for years.

688
00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:40,080
Rent-free.

689
00:26:40,080 --> 00:26:41,080
Rent.

690
00:26:41,080 --> 00:26:42,080
Oh yeah, right.

691
00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:43,080
That's what the kids say.

692
00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:46,080
Rent-free in my body for years.

693
00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:47,080
I don't think they say that.

694
00:26:47,080 --> 00:26:50,040
I don't think that's exactly what they say, but yes.

695
00:26:50,040 --> 00:26:51,040
Okay.

696
00:26:51,040 --> 00:26:52,040
I feel like why?

697
00:26:52,040 --> 00:26:53,040
You know, why do we do that?

698
00:26:53,040 --> 00:26:57,120
It's not going to change because the situation quite literally is not going to go backwards

699
00:26:57,120 --> 00:26:58,120
and change it.

700
00:26:58,120 --> 00:27:00,080
But letting go is so hard.

701
00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:02,080
It's so hard.

702
00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:03,080
Yeah.

703
00:27:03,080 --> 00:27:10,320
Oh, and yeah, I texted that to you so hard and you were like, never say that again.

704
00:27:10,320 --> 00:27:11,960
And you just said it.

705
00:27:11,960 --> 00:27:12,960
So hard.

706
00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:15,920
Oh, that's not fair.

707
00:27:15,920 --> 00:27:16,920
Stop thinking about it.

708
00:27:16,920 --> 00:27:18,680
That was so like two weeks ago.

709
00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:19,680
That was yesterday.

710
00:27:19,680 --> 00:27:20,680
Oh.

711
00:27:20,680 --> 00:27:21,680
That was yesterday.

712
00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:24,280
I'm still ruminating over it.

713
00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:25,280
Okay.

714
00:27:25,280 --> 00:27:34,760
And then the worst and most, you know, serious one would be thoughts of self-harm or suicide.

715
00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:41,040
So if any of these, somebody you know, yourself, we always are always going to suggest to seek

716
00:27:41,040 --> 00:27:45,480
professional help and care and guidance.

717
00:27:45,480 --> 00:27:47,960
There is another option.

718
00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:49,800
There is hope.

719
00:27:49,800 --> 00:27:56,440
And so finding that is difficult, but there are avenues.

720
00:27:56,440 --> 00:27:57,440
Yeah.

721
00:27:57,440 --> 00:27:58,440
Good.

722
00:27:58,440 --> 00:28:00,960
This is a serious thing.

723
00:28:00,960 --> 00:28:02,520
So Carly's like, let's move on.

724
00:28:02,520 --> 00:28:03,520
Okay.

725
00:28:03,520 --> 00:28:04,520
Got it.

726
00:28:04,520 --> 00:28:05,520
How about relationship signs?

727
00:28:05,520 --> 00:28:08,600
You're so obvious.

728
00:28:08,600 --> 00:28:16,480
So if you are in a partnership, a relationship or just your platonic like family friends,

729
00:28:16,480 --> 00:28:22,000
difficult with intimacy and trust and intimacy doesn't have to just be like a sexual thing.

730
00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:24,760
It's really just being vulnerable with somebody emotionally.

731
00:28:24,760 --> 00:28:26,420
That is intimacy.

732
00:28:26,420 --> 00:28:31,760
So if you have a, I don't know, problem, if you have an issue or a little bit harder,

733
00:28:31,760 --> 00:28:36,400
like, yeah, to do that, I'm Carly.

734
00:28:36,400 --> 00:28:44,280
And this is a sign that you are missing one of the other ones, which is like empathy and

735
00:28:44,280 --> 00:28:50,120
those emotional, the feelings that help with vulnerability.

736
00:28:50,120 --> 00:28:51,120
Yes.

737
00:28:51,120 --> 00:28:56,120
And I think that these signs, the relationship signs are the most exhausting because if you

738
00:28:56,120 --> 00:29:00,400
are not the one with the victim mentality, but you're in a relationship.

739
00:29:00,400 --> 00:29:02,400
If you're not the one, then what?

740
00:29:02,400 --> 00:29:03,400
What?

741
00:29:03,400 --> 00:29:20,760
If you're not the one, then why does my heart beat?

742
00:29:20,760 --> 00:29:24,280
She's looking at my lips and just saying the word.

743
00:29:24,280 --> 00:29:27,720
You know what song we're talking about?

744
00:29:27,720 --> 00:29:28,720
We are doing so well.

745
00:29:28,720 --> 00:29:30,720
Why did you throw me under the bus?

746
00:29:30,720 --> 00:29:32,280
Because I don't know the word.

747
00:29:32,280 --> 00:29:35,000
I was looking to see if you actually knew the correct lyrics.

748
00:29:35,000 --> 00:29:43,720
If you're not the one, then why does my heart beat?

749
00:29:43,720 --> 00:29:51,080
I can't think of the rest of the song.

750
00:29:51,080 --> 00:29:52,080
Look it up.

751
00:29:52,080 --> 00:29:53,800
But I think these are the most exhausting.

752
00:29:53,800 --> 00:29:58,680
If you are not the one that is in this kind of state, but you're in a relationship with

753
00:29:58,680 --> 00:30:02,760
somebody that is, it is exhausting to try and get them.

754
00:30:02,760 --> 00:30:07,960
You're basically talking people off the ledge or just listening to problems constantly.

755
00:30:07,960 --> 00:30:09,680
The next one is emotional unavailability.

756
00:30:09,680 --> 00:30:10,680
Right, Andrew.

757
00:30:10,680 --> 00:30:17,480
It's funny that you say that because we were having an argument about it this morning.

758
00:30:17,480 --> 00:30:21,280
I don't want to run away because I can't take it.

759
00:30:21,280 --> 00:30:24,280
I don't understand.

760
00:30:24,280 --> 00:30:28,520
If I'm not made for you, then why does my heart beat?

761
00:30:28,520 --> 00:30:31,680
Tell me that I am Daniel Benningfield.

762
00:30:31,680 --> 00:30:32,680
Yes.

763
00:30:32,680 --> 00:30:33,680
And it is.

764
00:30:33,680 --> 00:30:38,720
If you're not the one, then why does my soul feel glad today?

765
00:30:38,720 --> 00:30:39,720
Oh my God.

766
00:30:39,720 --> 00:30:43,080
I wouldn't remember that, but as soon as you started singing the other ones, I hopped on

767
00:30:43,080 --> 00:30:44,080
the bandwagon.

768
00:30:44,080 --> 00:30:45,080
Yeah, let's go.

769
00:30:45,080 --> 00:30:49,360
What was your friend about?

770
00:30:49,360 --> 00:30:50,360
A family issue.

771
00:30:50,360 --> 00:30:51,360
Okay.

772
00:30:51,360 --> 00:30:52,360
So it's...

773
00:30:52,360 --> 00:30:53,360
Something's about me.

774
00:30:53,360 --> 00:30:54,360
No, it's...

775
00:30:54,360 --> 00:30:55,360
No.

776
00:30:55,360 --> 00:30:59,880
I think that I live in the past and I can't let things go.

777
00:30:59,880 --> 00:31:04,440
So the argument is why can't I move on?

778
00:31:04,440 --> 00:31:12,360
Because I feel it has been unresolved and not in the way to my liking.

779
00:31:12,360 --> 00:31:15,320
I don't feel finished with it.

780
00:31:15,320 --> 00:31:20,840
And he thinks I like living in the state of that I...

781
00:31:20,840 --> 00:31:21,840
Not that I like it.

782
00:31:21,840 --> 00:31:23,160
I think it's 50-50.

783
00:31:23,160 --> 00:31:24,160
Yeah.

784
00:31:24,160 --> 00:31:28,720
I think that I like living in this horrible feeling of this situation, but that I don't

785
00:31:28,720 --> 00:31:30,280
feel like I've gotten the resolution.

786
00:31:30,280 --> 00:31:31,480
So I can't let it go.

787
00:31:31,480 --> 00:31:34,280
And he's like, you have to just move on.

788
00:31:34,280 --> 00:31:37,880
It was so long ago, but I don't feel that it's been resolved.

789
00:31:37,880 --> 00:31:39,680
So why do I have to let it go?

790
00:31:39,680 --> 00:31:42,840
So I think we go back and forth with this all the time.

791
00:31:42,840 --> 00:31:44,560
What are you looking for for the resolve?

792
00:31:44,560 --> 00:31:45,560
He asked me that.

793
00:31:45,560 --> 00:31:46,560
Okay, well, what is it?

794
00:31:46,560 --> 00:31:47,640
I don't know.

795
00:31:47,640 --> 00:31:49,800
Well, then it's more of ruminating.

796
00:31:49,800 --> 00:31:50,800
Right.

797
00:31:50,800 --> 00:31:51,800
So he's right.

798
00:31:51,800 --> 00:31:52,800
Oh, shut.

799
00:31:52,800 --> 00:31:54,400
I thought you were going to go with me.

800
00:31:54,400 --> 00:31:58,160
No, if you're just ruminating it, like you're living in the chaos because it's what you

801
00:31:58,160 --> 00:32:04,400
know instead of doing the opposite, which is an unfamiliar territory, which is like

802
00:32:04,400 --> 00:32:06,720
being okay with them or it.

803
00:32:06,720 --> 00:32:07,720
Correct.

804
00:32:07,720 --> 00:32:08,720
You know what I mean?

805
00:32:08,720 --> 00:32:09,720
Yeah.

806
00:32:09,720 --> 00:32:14,240
So it's a little bit of ruminating, but like, because you can't say, all I need is this.

807
00:32:14,240 --> 00:32:15,240
And I will blah, blah, blah.

808
00:32:15,240 --> 00:32:17,160
Bricks, I don't know what this is.

809
00:32:17,160 --> 00:32:20,280
You need the situation to be completely different.

810
00:32:20,280 --> 00:32:21,280
Right.

811
00:32:21,280 --> 00:32:22,760
You need something that's never going to happen.

812
00:32:22,760 --> 00:32:23,760
Right.

813
00:32:23,760 --> 00:32:24,760
To a degree.

814
00:32:24,760 --> 00:32:28,360
So in his mind, I'm ruminating and I'm, you're victim.

815
00:32:28,360 --> 00:32:30,200
I, yeah, I, right.

816
00:32:30,200 --> 00:32:35,960
He didn't say the words you like being the victim and this doesn't want to get divorced.

817
00:32:35,960 --> 00:32:38,520
Oh, yeah.

818
00:32:38,520 --> 00:32:39,520
It's been too long at this point.

819
00:32:39,520 --> 00:32:40,520
I know.

820
00:32:40,520 --> 00:32:41,520
I know.

821
00:32:41,520 --> 00:32:45,200
We've been together almost as long as I've been alive.

822
00:32:45,200 --> 00:32:46,680
So it, wow.

823
00:32:46,680 --> 00:32:49,080
Yeah, I know.

824
00:32:49,080 --> 00:32:50,840
Not really, but close.

825
00:32:50,840 --> 00:32:54,400
And I, that's what made me think of this.

826
00:32:54,400 --> 00:32:55,400
Interesting episode.

827
00:32:55,400 --> 00:33:01,120
Cause I was like, Oh my God, I feel like I live in this state sometime and I don't want

828
00:33:01,120 --> 00:33:02,440
to be like that.

829
00:33:02,440 --> 00:33:05,560
Part of the state I think is expectation, which is not on our list.

830
00:33:05,560 --> 00:33:06,560
No, it's not here.

831
00:33:06,560 --> 00:33:11,960
But I think expectation because we expect outcomes to happen in a specific way.

832
00:33:11,960 --> 00:33:18,040
And when they don't, that's when we get stuck into the fantasy we wanted.

833
00:33:18,040 --> 00:33:19,040
Right.

834
00:33:19,040 --> 00:33:26,080
And we also, in terms of people, we expect people to behave and to act and to talk a

835
00:33:26,080 --> 00:33:29,640
certain way because that's our expectation.

836
00:33:29,640 --> 00:33:30,640
That's how we would do it.

837
00:33:30,640 --> 00:33:34,760
That's how I would, you know, deal with this situation.

838
00:33:34,760 --> 00:33:42,840
So why aren't you dealing with instead of letting people be who they are and accepting

839
00:33:42,840 --> 00:33:44,840
the present situation?

840
00:33:44,840 --> 00:33:48,320
I like you're expecting behavior.

841
00:33:48,320 --> 00:33:49,320
Yeah.

842
00:33:49,320 --> 00:33:53,880
That isn't natural for someone else, but you're expecting it because it's what you would do

843
00:33:53,880 --> 00:33:55,880
and who you are.

844
00:33:55,880 --> 00:33:58,000
And that's not fair to anybody in this situation.

845
00:33:58,000 --> 00:33:59,000
Yeah.

846
00:33:59,000 --> 00:34:01,000
And it's hard to let go.

847
00:34:01,000 --> 00:34:03,560
But yeah, you kind of have to.

848
00:34:03,560 --> 00:34:04,560
I know.

849
00:34:04,560 --> 00:34:06,520
And so Victoria knows what I'm talking about.

850
00:34:06,520 --> 00:34:09,520
So yeah.

851
00:34:09,520 --> 00:34:12,240
But take this, this is anybody's situation because we all do this.

852
00:34:12,240 --> 00:34:14,400
You have to, you, we expect, and I do it too.

853
00:34:14,400 --> 00:34:21,600
I expect you send a text and you, you know, you think you know how you're going to be

854
00:34:21,600 --> 00:34:22,600
responded.

855
00:34:22,600 --> 00:34:24,440
Like, you know how they're going to do it.

856
00:34:24,440 --> 00:34:27,880
You know what emojis that would be fun if they respond and then that doesn't happen

857
00:34:27,880 --> 00:34:28,880
that way.

858
00:34:28,880 --> 00:34:29,880
Right.

859
00:34:29,880 --> 00:34:32,880
They say the wonderful thing back, but in a different way and you're like, oh, well,

860
00:34:32,880 --> 00:34:34,800
they must, they must not feel that way.

861
00:34:34,800 --> 00:34:35,800
Right.

862
00:34:35,800 --> 00:34:37,480
Like we make things up.

863
00:34:37,480 --> 00:34:44,360
And so when it comes to negative situations, we expect what we want, what we need.

864
00:34:44,360 --> 00:34:49,080
And what we think is the better way or the best way to do it.

865
00:34:49,080 --> 00:34:53,520
And what if it, what if you expected, I mean, what if you expected nothing?

866
00:34:53,520 --> 00:34:57,360
Like I've been really trying to not put expectations on things.

867
00:34:57,360 --> 00:35:06,800
But what if, what if you just decided, okay, I'm going to let the past go.

868
00:35:06,800 --> 00:35:10,040
And from here on out, I know.

869
00:35:10,040 --> 00:35:17,720
And it's, and, but on here on out, how you behave in the actions you give towards me

870
00:35:17,720 --> 00:35:22,920
is who you now are instead of how you once were.

871
00:35:22,920 --> 00:35:28,720
I just want to say to Andrew, you are so freaking lucky that we're talking about this today.

872
00:35:28,720 --> 00:35:36,080
And Victoria is saying what she's saying because she's saying it in a way that I think when

873
00:35:36,080 --> 00:35:40,960
you're arguing or having a disagreement with somebody, you don't say things the way that

874
00:35:40,960 --> 00:35:43,760
you come, you want them to come across.

875
00:35:43,760 --> 00:35:45,640
Do you know what I mean?

876
00:35:45,640 --> 00:35:50,240
So I think every did or yeah, everybody should have a mediator when they fight with me and

877
00:35:50,240 --> 00:35:51,240
Andrew.

878
00:35:51,240 --> 00:35:53,360
No, I do.

879
00:35:53,360 --> 00:35:57,760
I mean, some marriages need that and it works for them because they figured it out over

880
00:35:57,760 --> 00:35:59,320
the years.

881
00:35:59,320 --> 00:36:03,920
And you know, some people don't because they don't need it, but like, I don't think there's

882
00:36:03,920 --> 00:36:05,840
anything I don't want to be your mediator.

883
00:36:05,840 --> 00:36:06,840
I'm not.

884
00:36:06,840 --> 00:36:07,840
I am not.

885
00:36:07,840 --> 00:36:10,240
Well, you unexpectedly just were.

886
00:36:10,240 --> 00:36:18,040
I think what you just said, you need to take people from the present and say, let me see

887
00:36:18,040 --> 00:36:20,840
your actions from here on out.

888
00:36:20,840 --> 00:36:28,920
I see that in me is I think held so tightly wound from past situations that it's hard

889
00:36:28,920 --> 00:36:32,720
for me to be like, and this is one of the next ones in relationship science, keeping

890
00:36:32,720 --> 00:36:34,080
score in relationships.

891
00:36:34,080 --> 00:36:35,640
I keep score.

892
00:36:35,640 --> 00:36:40,920
And not with Andrew, but in that in this situation, I have kept score that have betrayed you or

893
00:36:40,920 --> 00:36:43,080
hurt you, which is a big part of victim blaming.

894
00:36:43,080 --> 00:36:44,080
Anyway, right.

895
00:36:44,080 --> 00:36:49,840
I have kept a very tight score and I want this because of this and I want this because

896
00:36:49,840 --> 00:36:54,440
of this and you need to acknowledge this because what you said in here and Andrew's like,

897
00:36:54,440 --> 00:36:55,440
it's unrealistic.

898
00:36:55,440 --> 00:36:59,480
It's never going to happen and you're going to dredge up some really bad stuff.

899
00:36:59,480 --> 00:37:03,280
And I'm like, OK.

900
00:37:03,280 --> 00:37:04,760
And he's like, do you like this?

901
00:37:04,760 --> 00:37:07,160
And I don't like it.

902
00:37:07,160 --> 00:37:09,720
I don't, you know, I don't like confrontation.

903
00:37:09,720 --> 00:37:12,360
I just like being treated fairly.

904
00:37:12,360 --> 00:37:15,560
So it's it's something that I do.

905
00:37:15,560 --> 00:37:16,880
I hope Andrew doesn't listen to this.

906
00:37:16,880 --> 00:37:17,880
Have to let go.

907
00:37:17,880 --> 00:37:18,980
Here's the thing.

908
00:37:18,980 --> 00:37:21,000
You are being treated fairly.

909
00:37:21,000 --> 00:37:25,400
You just don't like how you're being treated because what's fair is that the situation at

910
00:37:25,400 --> 00:37:26,400
hand.

911
00:37:26,400 --> 00:37:33,200
They're treating you how they would treat Joe Schmoe and other family and they're right.

912
00:37:33,200 --> 00:37:35,000
You are being treated fairly.

913
00:37:35,000 --> 00:37:36,000
Correct.

914
00:37:36,000 --> 00:37:39,360
You just don't like how you are being treated or have been treated right.

915
00:37:39,360 --> 00:37:40,360
Right.

916
00:37:40,360 --> 00:37:41,360
You know, whatever.

917
00:37:41,360 --> 00:37:47,520
And we all do this in any situation, especially when it comes to family, that it's not like

918
00:37:47,520 --> 00:37:49,200
people that you never have to see again.

919
00:37:49,200 --> 00:37:50,200
It's it's right.

920
00:37:50,200 --> 00:37:51,200
Family.

921
00:37:51,200 --> 00:37:55,960
So you kind of you are living in the chaos because it's comfortable.

922
00:37:55,960 --> 00:37:56,960
That's all I've known.

923
00:37:56,960 --> 00:37:57,960
And it's all you've known.

924
00:37:57,960 --> 00:37:58,960
All I've known.

925
00:37:58,960 --> 00:38:05,960
Something beside me.

926
00:38:05,960 --> 00:38:08,600
It's a humdinger at all times.

927
00:38:08,600 --> 00:38:10,600
That was from spring awakening.

928
00:38:10,600 --> 00:38:15,560
But like not really.

929
00:38:15,560 --> 00:38:18,600
I don't even I didn't even do the right interval of notes.

930
00:38:18,600 --> 00:38:20,720
It's okay.

931
00:38:20,720 --> 00:38:22,200
I'm not saying I'm siding with Andrew.

932
00:38:22,200 --> 00:38:23,520
I'm saying no, that's fine.

933
00:38:23,520 --> 00:38:25,160
He's desperate for one thing.

934
00:38:25,160 --> 00:38:27,600
You're desperate for something else.

935
00:38:27,600 --> 00:38:29,840
There's definitely desperation.

936
00:38:29,840 --> 00:38:38,680
There's definitely a middleman where you don't necessarily have to forget.

937
00:38:38,680 --> 00:38:39,680
Yes.

938
00:38:39,680 --> 00:38:44,560
But you cannot live in this rumination because what are you benefiting?

939
00:38:44,560 --> 00:38:45,640
Like what's nothing?

940
00:38:45,640 --> 00:38:46,880
It's horrible.

941
00:38:46,880 --> 00:38:53,240
So then why why I because I know I know why you got to work on letting go when we talk

942
00:38:53,240 --> 00:38:59,760
about it in my head just like I said before, I want to say, all right, let's just go move

943
00:38:59,760 --> 00:39:00,760
on.

944
00:39:00,760 --> 00:39:06,240
But my mouth says I want to be I want a resolution and I want to be treated this way.

945
00:39:06,240 --> 00:39:07,240
Ego.

946
00:39:07,240 --> 00:39:08,240
Yeah.

947
00:39:08,240 --> 00:39:09,240
So like I go.

948
00:39:09,240 --> 00:39:10,240
Yeah.

949
00:39:10,240 --> 00:39:15,560
Which is the ongoing battle of everyone like playing off of your ego when he said to me

950
00:39:15,560 --> 00:39:18,200
today, I feel like you like living like this.

951
00:39:18,200 --> 00:39:19,560
You like this.

952
00:39:19,560 --> 00:39:22,160
And I was like, it hit me because I had been reading about this.

953
00:39:22,160 --> 00:39:23,640
And I was like, oh my God.

954
00:39:23,640 --> 00:39:24,640
Yeah.

955
00:39:24,640 --> 00:39:25,640
No, I don't.

956
00:39:25,640 --> 00:39:26,720
I hate this.

957
00:39:26,720 --> 00:39:27,920
It gives me anxiety.

958
00:39:27,920 --> 00:39:32,440
Like, yeah, but why you are the only one who can relieve the anxiety and I'm the one creating

959
00:39:32,440 --> 00:39:33,440
it.

960
00:39:33,440 --> 00:39:34,440
So like, exactly.

961
00:39:34,440 --> 00:39:37,000
So that's why I was like, oh my God, it's the victim mentality.

962
00:39:37,000 --> 00:39:38,520
And it's all the thing you were betrayed.

963
00:39:38,520 --> 00:39:39,520
Yeah.

964
00:39:39,520 --> 00:39:43,440
It was things out of your control and then things that are in your control.

965
00:39:43,440 --> 00:39:46,840
You just you base them off of past.

966
00:39:46,840 --> 00:39:47,840
Yeah.

967
00:39:47,840 --> 00:39:50,320
Feelings and emotion and ruminating and harboring.

968
00:39:50,320 --> 00:39:54,120
I'm a big consequence person and I feel like there has been no consequences except for

969
00:39:54,120 --> 00:39:57,240
me and I want fair consequences.

970
00:39:57,240 --> 00:40:01,400
But in life, I'm 38 years old with three children.

971
00:40:01,400 --> 00:40:02,400
I don't need that.

972
00:40:02,400 --> 00:40:03,400
I'm good.

973
00:40:03,400 --> 00:40:04,680
I have a happy life.

974
00:40:04,680 --> 00:40:10,120
Like I don't need somebody else to validate your existence.

975
00:40:10,120 --> 00:40:11,280
Which is what you've been.

976
00:40:11,280 --> 00:40:12,960
I think there's your answer.

977
00:40:12,960 --> 00:40:13,960
That's the resolve.

978
00:40:13,960 --> 00:40:14,960
Right.

979
00:40:14,960 --> 00:40:22,400
The validation and the justification of your existence in the environment and your worth.

980
00:40:22,400 --> 00:40:26,720
You want them to be like, I was wrong about ABC and D. You are this.

981
00:40:26,720 --> 00:40:27,720
Yeah.

982
00:40:27,720 --> 00:40:28,720
You are not this.

983
00:40:28,720 --> 00:40:30,600
I've been wrong since the beginning.

984
00:40:30,600 --> 00:40:31,600
Right.

985
00:40:31,600 --> 00:40:32,600
And that's never going to happen.

986
00:40:32,600 --> 00:40:33,600
Right.

987
00:40:33,600 --> 00:40:35,400
Whether they think that way or not.

988
00:40:35,400 --> 00:40:36,400
Right.

989
00:40:36,400 --> 00:40:37,400
That's not going to happen.

990
00:40:37,400 --> 00:40:39,640
But that is what your resolve would be.

991
00:40:39,640 --> 00:40:42,560
And even then I think you'd be like, yup.

992
00:40:42,560 --> 00:40:44,800
And then I'd just be like, yeah.

993
00:40:44,800 --> 00:40:47,520
And I'd go to my room and cry because it's so bad at confrontation.

994
00:40:47,520 --> 00:40:49,560
It's not confrontation though.

995
00:40:49,560 --> 00:40:50,560
But I agree.

996
00:40:50,560 --> 00:40:51,560
I get it.

997
00:40:51,560 --> 00:40:52,560
I totally understand.

998
00:40:52,560 --> 00:40:57,680
I think this now makes sense as to why you want to talk about this.

999
00:40:57,680 --> 00:40:59,560
Well I was just like, oh my God, it's me.

1000
00:40:59,560 --> 00:41:00,560
I'm the problem.

1001
00:41:00,560 --> 00:41:01,560
It's me.

1002
00:41:01,560 --> 00:41:02,560
Yeah.

1003
00:41:02,560 --> 00:41:03,560
You know?

1004
00:41:03,560 --> 00:41:05,560
Well, you're the problem in not letting it go.

1005
00:41:05,560 --> 00:41:06,560
Right.

1006
00:41:06,560 --> 00:41:07,560
No, no, no.

1007
00:41:07,560 --> 00:41:08,560
And I see that.

1008
00:41:08,560 --> 00:41:09,560
Yeah.

1009
00:41:09,560 --> 00:41:10,560
That's really all it is.

1010
00:41:10,560 --> 00:41:12,480
Letting go is, it's hard for everybody.

1011
00:41:12,480 --> 00:41:13,480
It really is.

1012
00:41:13,480 --> 00:41:19,840
It's hard in the simple thing like, you know, traffic jam and road rage.

1013
00:41:19,840 --> 00:41:24,600
And then it's hard in bigger things that can affect your future and the ease that you can

1014
00:41:24,600 --> 00:41:29,240
go about situations within small circles in your world.

1015
00:41:29,240 --> 00:41:30,600
So yeah.

1016
00:41:30,600 --> 00:41:35,000
It's not easy, but it's something that I think should put some effort into.

1017
00:41:35,000 --> 00:41:41,600
And I think that everybody, if not, you don't need to have every one of these signs to be

1018
00:41:41,600 --> 00:41:45,360
a part of the victim mentality at points in your life.

1019
00:41:45,360 --> 00:41:50,000
Maybe not all the time, maybe not a lot, but just like this.

1020
00:41:50,000 --> 00:41:54,640
Like I don't feel like this way all the time, but in one situation in my life, this is how

1021
00:41:54,640 --> 00:41:56,720
I, the signs are all there.

1022
00:41:56,720 --> 00:41:57,720
This is your mentality.

1023
00:41:57,720 --> 00:41:58,720
Yes.

1024
00:41:58,720 --> 00:41:59,720
Yeah.

1025
00:41:59,720 --> 00:42:00,720
It's like the pie chart.

1026
00:42:00,720 --> 00:42:03,720
It's a very small sliver, but it packs punch.

1027
00:42:03,720 --> 00:42:04,720
Yeah.

1028
00:42:04,720 --> 00:42:09,200
You just, and we're not, we're going to get off the topic of Carly's marriage issues.

1029
00:42:09,200 --> 00:42:12,560
But honestly, it is our only fight.

1030
00:42:12,560 --> 00:42:14,320
And we say it all the time.

1031
00:42:14,320 --> 00:42:15,720
This is our only fight.

1032
00:42:15,720 --> 00:42:16,720
Right.

1033
00:42:16,720 --> 00:42:17,720
We don't fight about anything else.

1034
00:42:17,720 --> 00:42:19,760
And part of you wants that person to know this.

1035
00:42:19,760 --> 00:42:21,880
I want to scream it from the rooftops.

1036
00:42:21,880 --> 00:42:22,880
Yes.

1037
00:42:22,880 --> 00:42:24,280
Because we would have no fights.

1038
00:42:24,280 --> 00:42:25,280
Well, your voice is hoarse.

1039
00:42:25,280 --> 00:42:26,280
You can't do that.

1040
00:42:26,280 --> 00:42:33,640
But you just said this to me quite literally a week ago.

1041
00:42:33,640 --> 00:42:36,920
And I think it needs to be said to you.

1042
00:42:36,920 --> 00:42:38,480
Everybody deserves a second chance.

1043
00:42:38,480 --> 00:42:40,760
Jesus Christ, Joseph.

1044
00:42:40,760 --> 00:42:45,080
Everyone deserves one second chance.

1045
00:42:45,080 --> 00:42:47,520
So you know the situation.

1046
00:42:47,520 --> 00:42:50,280
You still think that?

1047
00:42:50,280 --> 00:43:05,040
I think if you want to stop fighting this friction with an ultimately perfect marriage

1048
00:43:05,040 --> 00:43:13,400
and seasonally having to deal with this how many times a year, it's on you to give the

1049
00:43:13,400 --> 00:43:17,960
second chance and then let whatever unfolds from there.

1050
00:43:17,960 --> 00:43:19,880
Then that's what's out of your control.

1051
00:43:19,880 --> 00:43:24,520
What's in your control is letting go and giving the option to start anew.

1052
00:43:24,520 --> 00:43:28,040
What's out of your control is what they take with, they take that ball, how they run with

1053
00:43:28,040 --> 00:43:29,040
it.

1054
00:43:29,040 --> 00:43:30,040
Right.

1055
00:43:30,040 --> 00:43:31,680
And that is where you can now base your future off of that.

1056
00:43:31,680 --> 00:43:36,960
I don't want to sound gross, but that's what Andrew said, not the second chance, but the

1057
00:43:36,960 --> 00:43:40,880
however it happens from here on out is on that.

1058
00:43:40,880 --> 00:43:42,280
And we're good.

1059
00:43:42,280 --> 00:43:45,520
So we're going to see how that plays out.

1060
00:43:45,520 --> 00:43:49,200
And if it's bad, it's bad and we'll remove ourselves.

1061
00:43:49,200 --> 00:43:51,040
Do you guys want to be together?

1062
00:43:51,040 --> 00:43:54,800
I feel like, is this something that you guys want to try?

1063
00:43:54,800 --> 00:43:57,120
No, but maybe he is your life lesson.

1064
00:43:57,120 --> 00:44:01,880
Some people are meant to be the rooted tree and some people are meant to be leaves that

1065
00:44:01,880 --> 00:44:05,440
fall on die every season and they're not supposed to be in your timeline.

1066
00:44:05,440 --> 00:44:07,240
He is your rooted tree.

1067
00:44:07,240 --> 00:44:12,840
You need him for this type of stuff to learn the life lesson this time around and he needs

1068
00:44:12,840 --> 00:44:16,520
you for a lot of other reasons that he's not grounded in.

1069
00:44:16,520 --> 00:44:18,520
This just is something that you're not grounded in.

1070
00:44:18,520 --> 00:44:20,280
No, not.

1071
00:44:20,280 --> 00:44:24,360
I would make him mulch.

1072
00:44:24,360 --> 00:44:25,360
You would totally.

1073
00:44:25,360 --> 00:44:26,360
I would kill him.

1074
00:44:26,360 --> 00:44:29,360
He moves way too slow for you.

1075
00:44:29,360 --> 00:44:30,360
Oh my God.

1076
00:44:30,360 --> 00:44:33,840
Wait, did I say everyone deserves a second chance?

1077
00:44:33,840 --> 00:44:36,240
I think what I meant was.

1078
00:44:36,240 --> 00:44:37,240
Moving on.

1079
00:44:37,240 --> 00:44:42,680
We're going to go down to strategies and tips for coping.

1080
00:44:42,680 --> 00:44:45,480
Let's figure this shit out.

1081
00:44:45,480 --> 00:44:52,960
If you're ready to change, number one, you have to be aware that you're in that mentality.

1082
00:44:52,960 --> 00:44:55,880
Like I am aware I'm in it, which is huge.

1083
00:44:55,880 --> 00:44:56,880
I think that's hard.

1084
00:44:56,880 --> 00:44:59,920
I think in New York, a lot of the times we were like, why me?

1085
00:44:59,920 --> 00:45:01,800
Why I don't get the job?

1086
00:45:01,800 --> 00:45:02,800
Why me?

1087
00:45:02,800 --> 00:45:05,560
I'm so like talented or like I can tell you why I didn't get the job.

1088
00:45:05,560 --> 00:45:06,560
Me too.

1089
00:45:06,560 --> 00:45:07,560
Now.

1090
00:45:07,560 --> 00:45:08,560
Now.

1091
00:45:08,560 --> 00:45:12,640
But like when you're in it, if you're not aware that you have these signs or that you

1092
00:45:12,640 --> 00:45:19,120
have this sort of hamster wheel of emotions of when something doesn't go right for you,

1093
00:45:19,120 --> 00:45:22,400
you blame everybody by yourself and you're not going to be able to cope.

1094
00:45:22,400 --> 00:45:26,160
So you have to be self aware as number one.

1095
00:45:26,160 --> 00:45:31,680
They don't say this, but I'm telling you that because I was realizing it as Andrew was talking

1096
00:45:31,680 --> 00:45:35,560
and that's why I wanted to go through something like this because I was like, oh, there's

1097
00:45:35,560 --> 00:45:37,840
a name for what I do.

1098
00:45:37,840 --> 00:45:42,560
But you're also not like remember if the a lot of this is resonating for you too.

1099
00:45:42,560 --> 00:45:44,640
There's nothing wrong with you.

1100
00:45:44,640 --> 00:45:46,560
This is so normal.

1101
00:45:46,560 --> 00:45:51,880
And if you can start realizing it, if whether it's this episode and conversation or you

1102
00:45:51,880 --> 00:45:56,320
know, it's something another time in your life that you're already now a step ahead.

1103
00:45:56,320 --> 00:45:57,320
Yeah.

1104
00:45:57,320 --> 00:45:58,680
Because you're not going to want to live like this.

1105
00:45:58,680 --> 00:45:59,880
Just like you said, I don't want to live like this.

1106
00:45:59,880 --> 00:46:00,880
Oh my God.

1107
00:46:00,880 --> 00:46:01,880
I don't want to feel this all the time.

1108
00:46:01,880 --> 00:46:02,880
My heart's racing.

1109
00:46:02,880 --> 00:46:04,880
It's my nails are short.

1110
00:46:04,880 --> 00:46:05,880
Right.

1111
00:46:05,880 --> 00:46:06,880
Skin on my fingers.

1112
00:46:06,880 --> 00:46:08,200
Your hair breaks off and falls out.

1113
00:46:08,200 --> 00:46:12,160
Like there's so many physical because when it's stored, like I said earlier, when it's

1114
00:46:12,160 --> 00:46:14,960
stored in your body, your body reacts.

1115
00:46:14,960 --> 00:46:17,680
If you're thinking negatively, your body reacts to that.

1116
00:46:17,680 --> 00:46:18,680
Right.

1117
00:46:18,680 --> 00:46:20,480
Whether you think your body is listening or not, you are not your body.

1118
00:46:20,480 --> 00:46:23,080
Your body is its own thing.

1119
00:46:23,080 --> 00:46:29,080
And you're giving your body, you're feeding your body with your thoughts and it reacts.

1120
00:46:29,080 --> 00:46:31,920
So if you're giving it stress and anxiety, your hair is going to fall out.

1121
00:46:31,920 --> 00:46:33,120
Your hair is going to break off.

1122
00:46:33,120 --> 00:46:38,600
If you're giving it complete emotional instability, you're going to get adult acne.

1123
00:46:38,600 --> 00:46:41,720
I'm naming all the things that go what we deal with.

1124
00:46:41,720 --> 00:46:46,760
And I've been a prepubescent 13 year old acne face person for so long.

1125
00:46:46,760 --> 00:46:47,760
I'm over it.

1126
00:46:47,760 --> 00:46:48,760
I know, same.

1127
00:46:48,760 --> 00:46:49,760
But we do it.

1128
00:46:49,760 --> 00:46:51,920
We create this instability.

1129
00:46:51,920 --> 00:46:55,120
And there's, yes, there's supplements and there's so many things that we could do nutritionally

1130
00:46:55,120 --> 00:46:56,520
for our bodies.

1131
00:46:56,520 --> 00:47:02,680
But when it comes to the mind and the thought, this victim mentality comes out in so many

1132
00:47:02,680 --> 00:47:03,680
ways.

1133
00:47:03,680 --> 00:47:04,680
Yeah.

1134
00:47:04,680 --> 00:47:08,840
Like think of the state of being that you're in when you're surrounded by a situation that

1135
00:47:08,840 --> 00:47:10,640
you haven't let go of.

1136
00:47:10,640 --> 00:47:12,640
You're a ball of tension.

1137
00:47:12,640 --> 00:47:13,640
Oh my gosh.

1138
00:47:13,640 --> 00:47:14,640
Everything visually.

1139
00:47:14,640 --> 00:47:15,640
Yeah.

1140
00:47:15,640 --> 00:47:16,640
You look horrible.

1141
00:47:16,640 --> 00:47:17,640
Oh, yeah.

1142
00:47:17,640 --> 00:47:20,000
Oh, how do I look right now?

1143
00:47:20,000 --> 00:47:25,720
I don't really want to answer that question.

1144
00:47:25,720 --> 00:47:27,720
Please don't take a picture of me.

1145
00:47:27,720 --> 00:47:32,000
As you're saying this, and I thought about this this morning, Barbara, who was on here

1146
00:47:32,000 --> 00:47:36,560
with MS, does not have a victim mentality.

1147
00:47:36,560 --> 00:47:42,320
When she was talking about like, not that I ever wanted MS, but I'm glad that I have

1148
00:47:42,320 --> 00:47:44,960
it because it makes me so grateful for everything.

1149
00:47:44,960 --> 00:47:45,960
Oh my God.

1150
00:47:45,960 --> 00:47:47,840
Can you imagine if you had that mentality?

1151
00:47:47,840 --> 00:47:49,760
Imagine if everybody had that mentality?

1152
00:47:49,760 --> 00:47:50,760
You could be a Barbara.

1153
00:47:50,760 --> 00:47:52,080
I could be a Barbara.

1154
00:47:52,080 --> 00:47:53,080
Be a Barbara.

1155
00:47:53,080 --> 00:47:54,080
Can I?

1156
00:47:54,080 --> 00:47:56,520
Can you put it on a T-shirt?

1157
00:47:56,520 --> 00:47:57,520
Thank you.

1158
00:47:57,520 --> 00:47:58,520
Be a Barbara.

1159
00:47:58,520 --> 00:48:00,520
I'm a Barbara.

1160
00:48:00,520 --> 00:48:01,800
I'm a Barbara.

1161
00:48:01,800 --> 00:48:03,800
I want to be a Barbara.

1162
00:48:03,800 --> 00:48:06,400
We love you, Barbara.

1163
00:48:06,400 --> 00:48:07,880
But that is such a- It's so true though.

1164
00:48:07,880 --> 00:48:11,000
That's the complete opposite mentality of what we're talking about today.

1165
00:48:11,000 --> 00:48:12,000
Yeah.

1166
00:48:12,000 --> 00:48:13,240
I just, it's so funny.

1167
00:48:13,240 --> 00:48:16,840
I've been saying this in my yoga classes recently.

1168
00:48:16,840 --> 00:48:25,120
It's like part of this victim mentality, which is not what I'm verbalized in class.

1169
00:48:25,120 --> 00:48:26,120
You bring this up in class?

1170
00:48:26,120 --> 00:48:29,120
I'm like, listen, you victim.

1171
00:48:29,120 --> 00:48:35,400
But part of the victim mentality kind of falls into this umbrella where we have expectations

1172
00:48:35,400 --> 00:48:36,600
on how things are going to go.

1173
00:48:36,600 --> 00:48:40,400
So when it comes to yoga, you get into a balance and you expect to hold that balance

1174
00:48:40,400 --> 00:48:41,880
and you're going to make it today.

1175
00:48:41,880 --> 00:48:43,480
It's going to be good.

1176
00:48:43,480 --> 00:48:46,120
Well, sometimes balance just isn't on your side and you wobble and you fall or you need

1177
00:48:46,120 --> 00:48:49,640
to use an assist like a block and that tells yourself that you're not good enough and you

1178
00:48:49,640 --> 00:48:50,640
can't do it.

1179
00:48:50,640 --> 00:48:54,760
But we have to change that narrative, which you don't like that phrase, but you do have

1180
00:48:54,760 --> 00:49:02,520
to change the story you're telling to notice, I didn't hold the balance, but I held it like

1181
00:49:02,520 --> 00:49:08,000
five seconds longer than last week or last class or last time or, you know, I was able

1182
00:49:08,000 --> 00:49:14,080
to put my fingers on the mat instead of putting my whole hand on the floor, like little tiny,

1183
00:49:14,080 --> 00:49:18,440
even if you don't take yoga, like little tiny, tiny improvements.

1184
00:49:18,440 --> 00:49:22,880
You take the expectation and you turn it into an improvement that you have made and you

1185
00:49:22,880 --> 00:49:28,640
start to be grateful for the things that you can accomplish versus what you don't have,

1186
00:49:28,640 --> 00:49:32,480
whether you don't have it yet or you don't have it at all or you never had it, whatever

1187
00:49:32,480 --> 00:49:34,880
it is, we harbor there.

1188
00:49:34,880 --> 00:49:42,680
We live in a state of, but I want, but I need, but I don't have, but this isn't how I wanted

1189
00:49:42,680 --> 00:49:43,680
that person to talk to me.

1190
00:49:43,680 --> 00:49:45,480
I'll never get a situation.

1191
00:49:45,480 --> 00:49:50,320
I'll never get it instead of, wow, I can do this.

1192
00:49:50,320 --> 00:49:51,880
Wow, I did this today.

1193
00:49:51,880 --> 00:49:54,000
Wow, look at the people that are surrounding me.

1194
00:49:54,000 --> 00:49:58,680
Wow, this person didn't really treat me that well, but I was able to look at it like that,

1195
00:49:58,680 --> 00:50:05,360
like you have to give yourself the small wins so that in situations like what you're going

1196
00:50:05,360 --> 00:50:12,440
through or just anything and like Barbara, that you can look at it and feel satisfied

1197
00:50:12,440 --> 00:50:23,240
and feel like inherently good for all of the good around you instead of like the f-ed up

1198
00:50:23,240 --> 00:50:24,240
stuff that's going on.

1199
00:50:24,240 --> 00:50:31,920
I know and I think there are so many things that need to go into that so that you can,

1200
00:50:31,920 --> 00:50:35,140
sometimes it's a little more than flipping the switch in your brain.

1201
00:50:35,140 --> 00:50:36,140
Sometimes that's all it is.

1202
00:50:36,140 --> 00:50:39,240
I don't know if that works mentally.

1203
00:50:39,240 --> 00:50:44,360
Sometimes you just need to snap your fingers and be like, snap out of it.

1204
00:50:44,360 --> 00:50:45,560
I'm changing the day.

1205
00:50:45,560 --> 00:50:46,560
Tough love for yourself.

1206
00:50:46,560 --> 00:50:47,560
Yeah, exactly.

1207
00:50:47,560 --> 00:50:51,080
Like pretend I am in your head and I'm like, all right, get up, keep it moving.

1208
00:50:51,080 --> 00:50:52,080
Yeah.

1209
00:50:52,080 --> 00:50:53,080
I can't, it's very hard.

1210
00:50:53,080 --> 00:50:54,080
So you're good at that.

1211
00:50:54,080 --> 00:50:55,580
I can't do it for other people.

1212
00:50:55,580 --> 00:50:57,180
Not so good at it for myself.

1213
00:50:57,180 --> 00:51:00,040
And when I say other people, I mean you and you don't like that.

1214
00:51:00,040 --> 00:51:03,400
So it doesn't always work.

1215
00:51:03,400 --> 00:51:13,400
So I do like it except for when I'm stuck in this mentality and nobody receives anything

1216
00:51:13,400 --> 00:51:14,400
well.

1217
00:51:14,400 --> 00:51:15,400
It doesn't matter how you say it.

1218
00:51:15,400 --> 00:51:16,400
Yeah.

1219
00:51:16,400 --> 00:51:21,340
But I think the work that has to go into flipping that switch, there are little things that

1220
00:51:21,340 --> 00:51:27,520
you have to do because it's a little more than just researching a podcast to change your

1221
00:51:27,520 --> 00:51:29,520
whole 20 years.

1222
00:51:29,520 --> 00:51:32,040
Well, there's talking about it and then they're taking action.

1223
00:51:32,040 --> 00:51:36,320
Well, listening, actually listening to somebody else's view, I really thought you were going

1224
00:51:36,320 --> 00:51:37,320
to be on my side.

1225
00:51:37,320 --> 00:51:38,320
How?

1226
00:51:38,320 --> 00:51:39,320
How?

1227
00:51:39,320 --> 00:51:40,320
How?

1228
00:51:40,320 --> 00:51:41,320
You don't know me at all.

1229
00:51:41,320 --> 00:51:43,480
Well, no, if you were going to be like, yeah, I totally get it.

1230
00:51:43,480 --> 00:51:44,480
No, I totally get it.

1231
00:51:44,480 --> 00:51:46,400
I was going to be like, yeah, I'm validated.

1232
00:51:46,400 --> 00:51:47,900
So you expected that.

1233
00:51:47,900 --> 00:51:48,900
Yes.

1234
00:51:48,900 --> 00:51:51,280
But look how good the unexpected turned out.

1235
00:51:51,280 --> 00:51:59,360
No, I think there's so much more in not getting stuck on the outcome that we want because

1236
00:51:59,360 --> 00:52:03,480
99% of the time the outcome that we need is what's coming to you.

1237
00:52:03,480 --> 00:52:04,480
So a lot of numbers.

1238
00:52:04,480 --> 00:52:05,480
All I said was 99%.

1239
00:52:05,480 --> 00:52:06,480
All I said was 99%.

1240
00:52:06,480 --> 00:52:14,840
If you want root A and you want it so bad, you want it so bad, you want it so bad and

1241
00:52:14,840 --> 00:52:21,640
it doesn't work out in possibility A, you get possibility B and the whole way you're

1242
00:52:21,640 --> 00:52:25,640
fighting possibility B and it gets to the end game of it and you're like, wow, this

1243
00:52:25,640 --> 00:52:27,040
is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

1244
00:52:27,040 --> 00:52:28,040
Yes.

1245
00:52:28,040 --> 00:52:29,040
But you had to fight it that entire way.

1246
00:52:29,040 --> 00:52:30,040
I know.

1247
00:52:30,040 --> 00:52:31,040
That's me.

1248
00:52:31,040 --> 00:52:32,040
Exactly.

1249
00:52:32,040 --> 00:52:33,040
I'm a fighter.

1250
00:52:33,040 --> 00:52:34,040
Exactly.

1251
00:52:34,040 --> 00:52:35,040
But you don't even like doing it.

1252
00:52:35,040 --> 00:52:36,040
I'm a fighter who hates confrontation.

1253
00:52:36,040 --> 00:52:37,040
Right.

1254
00:52:37,040 --> 00:52:42,560
You're a fighter who hates confrontation, but it's because it's, I don't know.

1255
00:52:42,560 --> 00:52:50,200
You know what you're like, you're like the wild, you're like the wild, like West.

1256
00:52:50,200 --> 00:52:51,700
Nope.

1257
00:52:51,700 --> 00:52:54,400
You'd be dead.

1258
00:52:54,400 --> 00:52:56,520
You'd be like, what number are we counting to?

1259
00:52:56,520 --> 00:52:59,000
And they would have already shot you.

1260
00:52:59,000 --> 00:53:05,320
No, you're like the like, don't say anything until I'm done.

1261
00:53:05,320 --> 00:53:10,440
You're like the rabid animal that they find on the street because somebody has like totally

1262
00:53:10,440 --> 00:53:15,760
abandoned them and they look haggard and their teeth are gnarled and they're like bearing

1263
00:53:15,760 --> 00:53:17,160
their teeth because they're so afraid.

1264
00:53:17,160 --> 00:53:18,480
I need a picture posted.

1265
00:53:18,480 --> 00:53:19,480
I will.

1266
00:53:19,480 --> 00:53:22,960
They're so afraid and they're fighting you and they're fighting the people that are trying

1267
00:53:22,960 --> 00:53:27,840
to rescue it and save it and they're fighting and it looks so scary and it looks so dangerous.

1268
00:53:27,840 --> 00:53:32,080
And then you get into the dawn soap commercial and they are rubbing all of the dirt and all

1269
00:53:32,080 --> 00:53:33,680
of the scary off of it.

1270
00:53:33,680 --> 00:53:37,120
And now it's this cute little puppy that just wants to nuzzle because now they feel love

1271
00:53:37,120 --> 00:53:40,760
and they feel accepted and they feel safe.

1272
00:53:40,760 --> 00:53:41,880
You're the rabid animal.

1273
00:53:41,880 --> 00:53:44,640
Wait, but do I end up being the nice puppy?

1274
00:53:44,640 --> 00:53:45,640
That's up to you.

1275
00:53:45,640 --> 00:53:47,280
Oh, that's up to you.

1276
00:53:47,280 --> 00:53:50,480
When it comes to the situation, right now you're a rabid animal.

1277
00:53:50,480 --> 00:53:55,320
Andrew's trying to rub some dawn soap on you to get the oil rig stuff off the dock.

1278
00:53:55,320 --> 00:53:56,640
I am crying.

1279
00:53:56,640 --> 00:53:59,960
And then it's up to you whether you get adopted.

1280
00:53:59,960 --> 00:54:05,240
Oh, God, because you can't handle love.

1281
00:54:05,240 --> 00:54:07,080
How dirty.

1282
00:54:07,080 --> 00:54:08,080
Dirty enough.

1283
00:54:08,080 --> 00:54:10,960
They thought you were rubbish on the side, but then it started moving and there were

1284
00:54:10,960 --> 00:54:14,960
eyes because I've seen my hair when I wake up some days.

1285
00:54:14,960 --> 00:54:21,800
I could be considered a rabid animal and Andrew accepts you every day.

1286
00:54:21,800 --> 00:54:22,800
And guess what?

1287
00:54:22,800 --> 00:54:24,000
She doesn't shower all the time.

1288
00:54:24,000 --> 00:54:27,040
So I'm going to kill you.

1289
00:54:27,040 --> 00:54:28,040
But that's what it is.

1290
00:54:28,040 --> 00:54:33,360
It's like when you want a but B is happening, you're fighting your way to it just to realize

1291
00:54:33,360 --> 00:54:35,200
that B was the best option that there was.

1292
00:54:35,200 --> 00:54:36,200
I know.

1293
00:54:36,200 --> 00:54:42,640
I know what I think people that are in this mentality know that, but they fight their

1294
00:54:42,640 --> 00:54:45,360
way through when they could have taken the elevator.

1295
00:54:45,360 --> 00:54:46,520
I just said all of that.

1296
00:54:46,520 --> 00:54:47,520
You think that happened?

1297
00:54:47,520 --> 00:54:49,720
You think I think like that when I'm in the middle of it?

1298
00:54:49,720 --> 00:54:50,720
Absolutely not.

1299
00:54:50,720 --> 00:54:51,720
Yeah.

1300
00:54:51,720 --> 00:54:55,840
But I can say it because I understand it logistically, not logistically.

1301
00:54:55,840 --> 00:54:58,600
Yes, that's the answer.

1302
00:54:58,600 --> 00:55:05,200
I think we need to rename the podcast to do what we say, not what we do.

1303
00:55:05,200 --> 00:55:12,400
Fit to be said, not always fit to act out on it.

1304
00:55:12,400 --> 00:55:13,400
It's a working title.

1305
00:55:13,400 --> 00:55:14,400
It's a working title.

1306
00:55:14,400 --> 00:55:15,400
I like mine better.

1307
00:55:15,400 --> 00:55:19,440
But there'll be a poll to see which one wins.

1308
00:55:19,440 --> 00:55:22,880
Maybe it should just be Fit to be stupid.

1309
00:55:22,880 --> 00:55:23,880
How about you?

1310
00:55:23,880 --> 00:55:24,880
Fit to be horrid.

1311
00:55:24,880 --> 00:55:25,880
Fit to be horrid.

1312
00:55:25,880 --> 00:55:26,880
Fit to be horrid.

1313
00:55:26,880 --> 00:55:30,000
Do you guys want to know some tips on how to get out of this mentality?

1314
00:55:30,000 --> 00:55:32,200
We should because it's 56 minutes in.

1315
00:55:32,200 --> 00:55:35,000
Oh my God.

1316
00:55:35,000 --> 00:55:37,640
Try to practice self-compassion.

1317
00:55:37,640 --> 00:55:43,200
Now this is hard sometimes because appreciating yourself when you're downing yourself all

1318
00:55:43,200 --> 00:55:45,840
the time is not really the go-to.

1319
00:55:45,840 --> 00:55:49,200
When I'm down, I'm not like, man, I need to get my nails done.

1320
00:55:49,200 --> 00:55:54,360
Or like, oh, let me take a hot shower and listen to a podcast that I like.

1321
00:55:54,360 --> 00:55:58,160
But I mean, really, do what's relaxing to you.

1322
00:55:58,160 --> 00:56:00,040
And sometimes that changes your mindset.

1323
00:56:00,040 --> 00:56:05,360
Three things can fix a lot of your problems and it's trial and error in the moment.

1324
00:56:05,360 --> 00:56:10,440
So maybe you end up having to do all three, but three simple things that you are and hopefully

1325
00:56:10,440 --> 00:56:13,080
have the ability to do.

1326
00:56:13,080 --> 00:56:14,080
Eat something.

1327
00:56:14,080 --> 00:56:15,080
Rest.

1328
00:56:15,080 --> 00:56:16,080
Take a nap.

1329
00:56:16,080 --> 00:56:17,080
Or take a shower.

1330
00:56:17,080 --> 00:56:18,080
Really?

1331
00:56:18,080 --> 00:56:19,080
Yeah.

1332
00:56:19,080 --> 00:56:25,200
Those are the three emotional regulating things that you can do to calm your nervous system

1333
00:56:25,200 --> 00:56:26,880
in any type of moment.

1334
00:56:26,880 --> 00:56:30,200
Now sometimes it's like if you're feeling bad about yourself, you take a shower.

1335
00:56:30,200 --> 00:56:33,760
If you're feeling bad about something else, you take a nap and take a rest.

1336
00:56:33,760 --> 00:56:36,040
I always promote eating.

1337
00:56:36,040 --> 00:56:38,400
So anytime that you feel anything, you could just eat.

1338
00:56:38,400 --> 00:56:44,960
But those are the three scientific ways to regulate your nervous system in moments of

1339
00:56:44,960 --> 00:56:45,960
distress.

1340
00:56:45,960 --> 00:56:47,440
I'm going nap all the way.

1341
00:56:47,440 --> 00:56:49,440
You should probably shower first.

1342
00:56:49,440 --> 00:56:50,920
Nappy makes you happy.

1343
00:56:50,920 --> 00:56:51,920
You.

1344
00:56:51,920 --> 00:56:52,920
Okay.

1345
00:56:52,920 --> 00:56:54,920
Shower gives you power.

1346
00:56:54,920 --> 00:56:57,160
Oh, did you just make that up?

1347
00:56:57,160 --> 00:56:59,000
Yeah, it was so good.

1348
00:56:59,000 --> 00:57:00,680
I thought about that earlier.

1349
00:57:00,680 --> 00:57:03,080
Just waiting to say it.

1350
00:57:03,080 --> 00:57:04,920
Food puts you in the mood.

1351
00:57:04,920 --> 00:57:05,920
Okay.

1352
00:57:05,920 --> 00:57:08,880
Consider shifting your self identification.

1353
00:57:08,880 --> 00:57:15,280
What this means is instead of calling yourself a victim, switch it to saying, I'm a survivor.

1354
00:57:15,280 --> 00:57:16,280
That was hard.

1355
00:57:16,280 --> 00:57:17,280
I got through it.

1356
00:57:17,280 --> 00:57:18,280
I survived.

1357
00:57:18,280 --> 00:57:19,600
Not that was hard.

1358
00:57:19,600 --> 00:57:21,160
Why did this happen to me?

1359
00:57:21,160 --> 00:57:27,200
So if you can shift it in your brain, which is hard, but think of think right now, the

1360
00:57:27,200 --> 00:57:32,480
hardest situation you've ever been in or toughest or saddest or whatever it is.

1361
00:57:32,480 --> 00:57:37,160
Think about it right now and then notice where you are right now.

1362
00:57:37,160 --> 00:57:38,360
Okay.

1363
00:57:38,360 --> 00:57:39,360
You got out of it.

1364
00:57:39,360 --> 00:57:40,360
Yeah.

1365
00:57:40,360 --> 00:57:41,360
It moved.

1366
00:57:41,360 --> 00:57:43,280
You've moved on from whatever that was.

1367
00:57:43,280 --> 00:57:45,680
However it happened was really tough in the time.

1368
00:57:45,680 --> 00:57:46,680
Right.

1369
00:57:46,680 --> 00:57:47,680
But you've moved on.

1370
00:57:47,680 --> 00:57:49,800
You are now in a completely different phase.

1371
00:57:49,800 --> 00:57:51,640
Even if it was last week, this week is different.

1372
00:57:51,640 --> 00:57:55,880
She loves phases.

1373
00:57:55,880 --> 00:58:01,360
So notice that and that's what the survivor thing is.

1374
00:58:01,360 --> 00:58:04,080
It's like, yeah, I survived that really hard time.

1375
00:58:04,080 --> 00:58:08,040
So why can't I survive the next one?

1376
00:58:08,040 --> 00:58:19,280
We don't expect much from the rabbit dog, but you know, a little bit of just keep going.

1377
00:58:19,280 --> 00:58:20,800
Do you feel like the victim right now?

1378
00:58:20,800 --> 00:58:22,480
Are you saying why me?

1379
00:58:22,480 --> 00:58:24,040
Are you saying why me?

1380
00:58:24,040 --> 00:58:25,640
Why do I have to do this with her?

1381
00:58:25,640 --> 00:58:26,640
No, I did this.

1382
00:58:26,640 --> 00:58:27,640
Okay.

1383
00:58:27,640 --> 00:58:34,800
So you know, I am very aware that I have put myself in the position for 88 weeks to sit

1384
00:58:34,800 --> 00:58:40,040
on a couch to talk to you about emotional vulnerability and the suffrage.

1385
00:58:40,040 --> 00:58:41,040
Yeah.

1386
00:58:41,040 --> 00:58:42,040
But guess what?

1387
00:58:42,040 --> 00:58:43,040
I am a survivor.

1388
00:58:43,040 --> 00:58:44,040
Love it.

1389
00:58:44,040 --> 00:58:45,040
I'm a survivor.

1390
00:58:45,040 --> 00:58:47,040
I'm going to make it.

1391
00:58:47,040 --> 00:58:49,400
I will survive is really hard for you.

1392
00:58:49,400 --> 00:58:50,680
Keep on surviving.

1393
00:58:50,680 --> 00:58:51,880
Even with my chest cold.

1394
00:58:51,880 --> 00:58:52,880
Oh my gosh.

1395
00:58:52,880 --> 00:58:57,840
I feel like Phoebe Buffet like, give me the cold because I sound better.

1396
00:58:57,840 --> 00:58:59,340
Smell it.

1397
00:58:59,340 --> 00:59:01,280
Smell it.

1398
00:59:01,280 --> 00:59:06,560
Anyway, yeah, that's all we have today.

1399
00:59:06,560 --> 00:59:13,120
We hope you are no longer feeling victimized by yourself because you are victimizing yourself.

1400
00:59:13,120 --> 00:59:16,000
That's usually the number one victim in a victim mentality.

1401
00:59:16,000 --> 00:59:17,000
Yeah.

1402
00:59:17,000 --> 00:59:21,280
I hate blaming other people's, but you're the victim because you're doing it all by

1403
00:59:21,280 --> 00:59:22,280
yourself.

1404
00:59:22,280 --> 00:59:23,280
I hate blaming people's.

1405
00:59:23,280 --> 00:59:24,640
Did I say people's?

1406
00:59:24,640 --> 00:59:25,640
You did.

1407
00:59:25,640 --> 00:59:27,640
I wasn't going to let it go by Salinas.

1408
00:59:27,640 --> 00:59:29,640
Salinas is bus.

1409
00:59:29,640 --> 00:59:31,320
Salinas is bus.

1410
00:59:31,320 --> 00:59:32,840
That's an inside joke to me in Victoria.

1411
00:59:32,840 --> 00:59:36,440
We will not tell you what it means in Selena.

1412
00:59:36,440 --> 00:59:42,320
But anyway, I think this is really great for people that don't think that they have these

1413
00:59:42,320 --> 00:59:46,920
little signs or like me did not think it.

1414
00:59:46,920 --> 00:59:52,520
And then when I was told that I was living in it, I was like, what is this?

1415
00:59:52,520 --> 00:59:55,000
And then turns out there's a name for it.

1416
00:59:55,000 --> 00:59:56,000
Who knew?

1417
00:59:56,000 --> 00:59:57,000
Yeah.

1418
00:59:57,000 --> 00:59:58,000
A lot of people.

1419
00:59:58,000 --> 00:59:59,500
Oh, a lot of people knew.

1420
00:59:59,500 --> 01:00:03,840
A lot of people actually get their masters in it called therapy.

1421
01:00:03,840 --> 01:00:06,280
Psychiatrists, psychiatry.

1422
01:00:06,280 --> 01:00:11,800
I think if people want therapy, they should start a podcast and talk to Victoria.

1423
01:00:11,800 --> 01:00:19,280
It's definitely not free and have the other person pay $125 therapy out of pocket every

1424
01:00:19,280 --> 01:00:20,280
time.

1425
01:00:20,280 --> 01:00:29,960
But you know, we real quickly, before we sign off because we do that so well, we, I believe

1426
01:00:29,960 --> 01:00:38,160
we said this in another episode talking about anxiety, I want to say, but when you name

1427
01:00:38,160 --> 01:00:41,680
it, you name the emotion or the feeling.

1428
01:00:41,680 --> 01:00:43,040
And we were talking about, I think, with the kids.

1429
01:00:43,040 --> 01:00:44,040
Oh, right.

1430
01:00:44,040 --> 01:00:45,880
Justin mentioned it once and it does it well.

1431
01:00:45,880 --> 01:00:50,240
It's like when your child is having a temper tantrum and they, you know, you're trying

1432
01:00:50,240 --> 01:00:54,880
to figure out the cause and like the reason that, you know, they're upset that they didn't

1433
01:00:54,880 --> 01:00:57,840
get to close the door and you did it for them.

1434
01:00:57,840 --> 01:00:59,760
Really what's the underlying thing, right?

1435
01:00:59,760 --> 01:01:01,520
So that you name it.

1436
01:01:01,520 --> 01:01:02,520
What are you feeling?

1437
01:01:02,520 --> 01:01:04,000
I'm feeling sad.

1438
01:01:04,000 --> 01:01:05,120
Why are you feeling sad?

1439
01:01:05,120 --> 01:01:06,120
Right?

1440
01:01:06,120 --> 01:01:07,600
So it's the same thing here.

1441
01:01:07,600 --> 01:01:09,480
What are you, what am I feeling?

1442
01:01:09,480 --> 01:01:10,480
Angry.

1443
01:01:10,480 --> 01:01:12,400
Why am I feeling angry?

1444
01:01:12,400 --> 01:01:14,400
Because they didn't say what I wanted them to say.

1445
01:01:14,400 --> 01:01:20,200
Like you have to go through those questions and name the emotion so that you can be aware

1446
01:01:20,200 --> 01:01:22,720
and get yourself out of the emotion.

1447
01:01:22,720 --> 01:01:26,520
So without naming it, you're going to live in it.

1448
01:01:26,520 --> 01:01:29,840
Yeah, it's like you're floundering basically.

1449
01:01:29,840 --> 01:01:30,840
Yeah.

1450
01:01:30,840 --> 01:01:31,840
Yeah.

1451
01:01:31,840 --> 01:01:36,280
You are, there is a raft or a lifeboat right next to you, but you are flailing your arms

1452
01:01:36,280 --> 01:01:41,160
next to it because you won't just acknowledge that there's help.

1453
01:01:41,160 --> 01:01:42,160
Right.

1454
01:01:42,160 --> 01:01:43,760
And the help isn't professional.

1455
01:01:43,760 --> 01:01:46,160
It can be, it should be.

1456
01:01:46,160 --> 01:01:51,080
But the help is just you acknowledging what you're feeling because all of this is emotional.

1457
01:01:51,080 --> 01:01:53,240
Wait, didn't you see the meme I posted?

1458
01:01:53,240 --> 01:01:56,120
I don't know, but are you going to describe it well?

1459
01:01:56,120 --> 01:02:01,760
No, I'm going to strive it completely wrong like I always do, but it says, it says, no

1460
01:02:01,760 --> 01:02:05,240
one's stronger than the oldest sister who won't let anybody help them.

1461
01:02:05,240 --> 01:02:06,840
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

1462
01:02:06,840 --> 01:02:08,920
She tagged me in it.

1463
01:02:08,920 --> 01:02:11,200
I didn't want to enable that behavior so I did not repost it.

1464
01:02:11,200 --> 01:02:13,640
Yeah, she did not repost it because it is very me.

1465
01:02:13,640 --> 01:02:20,600
I am the oldest sister who wants help from nobody, but needs all the help in the world.

1466
01:02:20,600 --> 01:02:21,600
100%.

1467
01:02:21,600 --> 01:02:22,600
Yes.

1468
01:02:22,600 --> 01:02:26,280
I do think that's familial.

1469
01:02:26,280 --> 01:02:29,240
But I do that too, where I don't need help.

1470
01:02:29,240 --> 01:02:30,480
I want it.

1471
01:02:30,480 --> 01:02:31,960
I won't ask for it.

1472
01:02:31,960 --> 01:02:33,960
It'd be nice if I had it.

1473
01:02:33,960 --> 01:02:35,600
But you do that, I don't need anything.

1474
01:02:35,600 --> 01:02:36,600
I don't need anybody.

1475
01:02:36,600 --> 01:02:37,600
I'm good.

1476
01:02:37,600 --> 01:02:38,600
I got it.

1477
01:02:38,600 --> 01:02:39,600
And then all of a sudden you break down.

1478
01:02:39,600 --> 01:02:40,600
Yeah.

1479
01:02:40,600 --> 01:02:43,560
And we're almost at Carly's breakdown point.

1480
01:02:43,560 --> 01:02:44,880
I do it once a year.

1481
01:02:44,880 --> 01:02:48,360
It happens, yeah, once or twice a year because you get to a breaking point.

1482
01:02:48,360 --> 01:02:49,440
You get to such a breaking point.

1483
01:02:49,440 --> 01:02:54,000
And I would say the things you ruminate and you harbor about that you're not thinking

1484
01:02:54,000 --> 01:02:55,720
about, that's what's really doing it.

1485
01:02:55,720 --> 01:02:57,440
Because the holidays are coming up.

1486
01:02:57,440 --> 01:02:59,720
Yeah, that's what happens.

1487
01:02:59,720 --> 01:03:01,040
For me, that's what happens.

1488
01:03:01,040 --> 01:03:02,520
And somebody said to me recently.

1489
01:03:02,520 --> 01:03:03,520
It makes so much sense.

1490
01:03:03,520 --> 01:03:04,520
I know.

1491
01:03:04,520 --> 01:03:05,520
It's the same time.

1492
01:03:05,520 --> 01:03:06,520
It's like there's a play.

1493
01:03:06,520 --> 01:03:07,800
It's called Same Time Next Year.

1494
01:03:07,800 --> 01:03:11,120
It's like the same time every begin year.

1495
01:03:11,120 --> 01:03:15,840
But somebody said to me recently, like, oh my God, I feel like you never burn out.

1496
01:03:15,840 --> 01:03:17,320
I laughed.

1497
01:03:17,320 --> 01:03:19,680
The poor person, I laughed in their face.

1498
01:03:19,680 --> 01:03:22,560
I said, I'm so happy that's how it seems.

1499
01:03:22,560 --> 01:03:24,680
I burn out every night at eight o'clock.

1500
01:03:24,680 --> 01:03:27,720
I blow the candle out and I burn out.

1501
01:03:27,720 --> 01:03:29,320
So I'm happy that I don't show it.

1502
01:03:29,320 --> 01:03:32,800
That's like physical exhaustion, mental exhaustion on the daily.

1503
01:03:32,800 --> 01:03:36,120
We were talking about like getting upset.

1504
01:03:36,120 --> 01:03:40,480
I think she said burnout, but I think she meant breakdown.

1505
01:03:40,480 --> 01:03:43,480
And I was like, because then she said, you keep it so together.

1506
01:03:43,480 --> 01:03:45,120
And I was like, two thumbs up.

1507
01:03:45,120 --> 01:03:47,640
It's called an acting degree.

1508
01:03:47,640 --> 01:03:48,640
Use it every day.

1509
01:03:48,640 --> 01:03:51,880
It's called, that's the only reason college happened.

1510
01:03:51,880 --> 01:03:54,920
I'm wearing my college sweatshirt with all my colleges on the back right now.

1511
01:03:54,920 --> 01:03:56,080
Yeah, there's at least five.

1512
01:03:56,080 --> 01:03:57,080
I'm missing one though.

1513
01:03:57,080 --> 01:03:58,080
Yeah.

1514
01:03:58,080 --> 01:03:59,080
Actually, I think there's seven.

1515
01:03:59,080 --> 01:04:00,080
I don't know.

1516
01:04:00,080 --> 01:04:02,080
I have to read them, but I can't because they're on the back.

1517
01:04:02,080 --> 01:04:12,040
So we, so thank you for coming to Karli's personal therapy.

1518
01:04:12,040 --> 01:04:15,520
That's really what we understand this was about, even though she didn't really know

1519
01:04:15,520 --> 01:04:18,000
about it, but like we named it.

1520
01:04:18,000 --> 01:04:19,000
We named.

1521
01:04:19,000 --> 01:04:20,240
We named tell Victoria about it, either.

1522
01:04:20,240 --> 01:04:24,780
Yeah, we named the resolve of what the resolve needed to be.

1523
01:04:24,780 --> 01:04:27,760
And since she didn't know, that was the answer.

1524
01:04:27,760 --> 01:04:29,640
Andrew owes you his life.

1525
01:04:29,640 --> 01:04:31,200
Well, we'll see.

1526
01:04:31,200 --> 01:04:34,560
if you take action so that we can clean off the dirt

1527
01:04:34,560 --> 01:04:39,560
from the, you know, the dirty dog, the rabid animal

1528
01:04:39,760 --> 01:04:41,320
and see what happens from there.

1529
01:04:41,320 --> 01:04:43,780
So we'll, you know, we won't keep you all posted,

1530
01:04:43,780 --> 01:04:48,780
but we're gonna all hope and put positivity out

1531
01:04:48,800 --> 01:04:52,020
that things get better if you're going through a situation.

1532
01:04:52,020 --> 01:04:53,000
Same thing for you.

1533
01:04:53,000 --> 01:04:55,080
We hope and keep it positive

1534
01:04:55,080 --> 01:05:00,080
that the correct actions start to unfold, right?

1535
01:05:01,440 --> 01:05:04,320
We, I think all of this was a big tip,

1536
01:05:04,320 --> 01:05:06,800
but I'm gonna give you a real extra tip real fast.

1537
01:05:06,800 --> 01:05:11,800
It's called what it is, be like Barbara.

1538
01:05:13,800 --> 01:05:18,160
Everybody just be like Barbara, sunshine, think positive.

1539
01:05:18,160 --> 01:05:22,680
You can have bad days, but just don't say why me.

1540
01:05:22,680 --> 01:05:23,800
Say why me?

1541
01:05:23,800 --> 01:05:24,640
Why?

1542
01:05:24,640 --> 01:05:26,240
It's so exciting.

1543
01:05:26,240 --> 01:05:27,080
Yeah.

1544
01:05:27,080 --> 01:05:29,000
If you just put a different inflection on it

1545
01:05:29,000 --> 01:05:30,920
and it will completely change your day.

1546
01:05:30,920 --> 01:05:32,400
I said it last night and kick hit.

1547
01:05:32,400 --> 01:05:35,280
We did the three rounds, three rounds of 35 seconds

1548
01:05:35,280 --> 01:05:38,040
of like something torturous.

1549
01:05:38,040 --> 01:05:39,240
And by the third round, I was like,

1550
01:05:39,240 --> 01:05:41,920
guys, we get the opportunity to do it one more time.

1551
01:05:41,920 --> 01:05:44,920
We got the opportunity to do it differently

1552
01:05:44,920 --> 01:05:45,860
for the third round.

1553
01:05:45,860 --> 01:05:46,700
Maybe it's better.

1554
01:05:46,700 --> 01:05:48,520
Maybe this is the best round that you can do.

1555
01:05:48,520 --> 01:05:50,680
How many middle fingers went up?

1556
01:05:50,680 --> 01:05:51,520
Up they all left.

1557
01:05:51,520 --> 01:05:52,360
Okay.

1558
01:05:52,360 --> 01:05:56,200
So really it was just me at the end, but.

1559
01:05:56,200 --> 01:05:57,040
That's the truth though.

1560
01:05:57,040 --> 01:05:57,880
That's the mentality.

1561
01:05:57,880 --> 01:06:00,080
We get the opportunity to feel all the emotions.

1562
01:06:00,080 --> 01:06:02,560
We get the opportunity, like you get the opportunity

1563
01:06:02,560 --> 01:06:04,720
to get out from a betrayal.

1564
01:06:04,720 --> 01:06:05,760
Yeah.

1565
01:06:05,760 --> 01:06:06,960
If you think of it that way.

1566
01:06:06,960 --> 01:06:07,800
Yeah.

1567
01:06:07,800 --> 01:06:09,400
You get the opportunity to work yourself out

1568
01:06:09,400 --> 01:06:11,440
from feeling betrayed and feeling hurt.

1569
01:06:11,440 --> 01:06:13,360
Basically you regain power.

1570
01:06:13,360 --> 01:06:14,200
Yes.

1571
01:06:14,200 --> 01:06:15,280
You get the control back.

1572
01:06:15,280 --> 01:06:16,120
Yes.

1573
01:06:16,120 --> 01:06:18,080
Instead of feeling uncomfortable and out of control.

1574
01:06:18,080 --> 01:06:19,640
You give the other person the power

1575
01:06:19,640 --> 01:06:21,640
when you're just like, man.

1576
01:06:21,640 --> 01:06:22,480
Right.

1577
01:06:22,480 --> 01:06:23,680
I hate being me.

1578
01:06:23,680 --> 01:06:25,040
Yeah.

1579
01:06:25,040 --> 01:06:25,880
All right.

1580
01:06:25,880 --> 01:06:26,720
We're done.

1581
01:06:26,720 --> 01:06:27,560
Yeah.

1582
01:06:27,560 --> 01:06:30,760
So I'll see you on the other side when this editing job

1583
01:06:30,760 --> 01:06:31,600
gets done.

1584
01:06:31,600 --> 01:06:32,640
It's a murder.

1585
01:06:32,640 --> 01:06:34,080
In a, oh Jesus.

1586
01:06:37,580 --> 01:06:39,580
Slice and dice.

1587
01:06:39,580 --> 01:06:40,760
And I helped.

1588
01:06:40,760 --> 01:06:42,880
I get the opportunity to edit this.

1589
01:06:43,840 --> 01:06:47,160
And to sit and to listen to this conversation again.

1590
01:06:47,160 --> 01:06:49,520
Wait, it's not slice and dice and I helped.

1591
01:06:49,520 --> 01:06:52,880
Slice and dice and I helped.

1592
01:06:52,880 --> 01:06:55,000
No, something, something and I helped.

1593
01:06:56,080 --> 01:06:56,920
Is that commercial?

1594
01:06:56,920 --> 01:06:57,760
Yeah.

1595
01:06:59,400 --> 01:07:00,240
Slice and dice.

1596
01:07:00,240 --> 01:07:01,920
That sounds murderous.

1597
01:07:02,920 --> 01:07:04,640
Hamburger helper and I helped.

1598
01:07:04,640 --> 01:07:05,560
No, that's too much helping.

1599
01:07:05,560 --> 01:07:06,400
Okay.

1600
01:07:07,280 --> 01:07:08,200
But you might be right.

1601
01:07:08,200 --> 01:07:10,000
No, I'll look it up.

1602
01:07:10,000 --> 01:07:11,000
And then we won't tell you next week.

1603
01:07:11,000 --> 01:07:12,040
No.

1604
01:07:12,040 --> 01:07:12,880
All right.

1605
01:07:12,880 --> 01:07:16,680
Well, for usual, we hope you remember

1606
01:07:16,680 --> 01:07:19,000
that you're always fit to be real

1607
01:07:19,000 --> 01:07:22,040
and always allowed to be a little extra.

1608
01:07:29,320 --> 01:07:31,680
Shake and bake and I helped.

1609
01:07:33,760 --> 01:07:34,600
It's the accent.

1610
01:07:34,600 --> 01:07:35,840
I know.

1611
01:07:35,840 --> 01:07:37,320
For legal reasons, we have to tell you

1612
01:07:37,320 --> 01:07:39,040
that this podcast is meant for entertainment

1613
01:07:39,040 --> 01:07:40,840
and educational purposes only.

1614
01:07:40,840 --> 01:07:43,040
We are not healthcare professionals.

1615
01:07:43,040 --> 01:07:44,940
For all of your health, wellness, fitness

1616
01:07:44,940 --> 01:07:46,720
and self-care needs, please refer

1617
01:07:46,720 --> 01:07:48,800
to the medical professional in your life.

1618
01:07:48,800 --> 01:07:51,040
Your primary care physician, your therapist,

1619
01:07:51,040 --> 01:07:53,880
a certified coach, whoever it may be.

1620
01:07:53,880 --> 01:07:55,240
And then let us know what they say

1621
01:07:55,240 --> 01:07:58,040
because I guarantee we need to know what to.

1622
01:07:58,040 --> 01:07:58,880
Okay?

1623
01:07:58,880 --> 01:08:18,880
Okay, bye.