Welcome to fit to be real and a little extra
Carly has
shockingly
Decided on this today's topic because Carly is the worst
communicator in the world I
Communicate that I agree with that
Does that help I don't you're using it wrong?
we are talking about communication and
Assertiveness which we both struggle with yes, I think you're better at assertiveness
than I am
Don't you think I you get your point across pretty well
It depends if I'm stressed or if I'm like
Overwhelmed then I can it's for anybody that's hard to articulate. Yeah, I fear in the middle of something
Yeah, I get aggressiveness and assertiveness
Confused yes in my mind and you
Where else would it be?
Wait a second we need to know what else you have
Even when you are you or someone else is assertive you think it's aggressive right?
I immediately take it as aggressiveness and then therefore I am not assertive because I don't want people to think I'm aggressive
But they're very different and we're gonna talk about that because it's very very important
I also want to point out that Carly wanted to do the episode on grudges and fighting and now
Communication assertiveness so there's so much happening here. I'm trying to better myself. I appreciate it. I'm assertive
No, no, no, all right. We'll figure it out. You've your an ass
Mom
Victoria's word as s I'm sorry
I'm Victoria. Hey guys, I'm Carly
Listen I am
Known to be
the worst communicator in
The family I think I am not good at it. I
I
Communicating I just ignore. Yeah, why I don't know I
Avoid not ignore. It's there. I avoid it. Why I don't know ask me again
We're gonna yell at your therapist and they say why Carly?
Geez, I don't know
If I knew I'd be better
Right well, that's not true
I'm necessarily I think you are a way better communicator than I am you get your point across and
Everybody knows how you're feeling. I think I
Don't express myself well
I like how hard it was for you to say that
I don't like to think anything bad about myself. I
But that's okay, and that's what we're gonna talk about because
All of your thoughts are wrong
And I would venture to say I wasn't always
particulate and
Anything like that. I had a wall. Yes, you could always tell
My emotion because I couldn't hide my face. You can't hide your face. I still can't I can very well hide my face
You can yes, absolutely. That's why people think you are nicer and happier and I don't know kinder
If you went to Victoria's class last night, you would not agree, but I smiled the whole time
You my mom always said to me it looks good kill. Oh my god. You're right. Oh, that just came back to me
That's all she would say to me and it's true because I can't hide it on my face
Which is a filter I need to work on sometimes sometimes you have to work on that
But because we're gonna talk about body language and expressions and that's a big piece of communication
I think as I get older, I'm I'm better at choosing words
Choose your words wisely. Yeah, you should just have to pick words. I just have to pick them
Yeah, just say anything. I just usually give the stare and the smile
My gosh when she gets like
Jessica day reindeer dole eyes. Yep, just walk away. Yep walk away. Yep
There's so much happening in her head that she's not listening to you number one
She's her own conversation is happening. You're responding in a certain way within her own imagination and
Steam is about to go. Yeah
But you will never know by looking at me. I wish I didn't do that because it creates definitely creates
Communication problems and issues because you're like, oh, I thought you were fine with that
And I was like I looked like I was fine with it
Well, but that's your issue. I know that's what I mean like that turns into like that's the only fault is to is yours
Because you weren't direct and like said what you wanted, right?
Because I hate conflict that much even if the situation is not
Does not call for it. I will create it interesting because we didn't grow up in conflict
I know and usually what you're describing is is a trauma response to being surrounded by
Conflict and we that's not how it was. I know I don't I
Honestly would have to a Victoria deep dive into that because I don't know
Tori I don't like I don't like my name
I'm sorry. I just had a moment. I don't like the Victoria deep dive title
Not a fan. Are you saying all the time? Not a fan. Nope
Redact that right now
Nope, okay. I heard it
I said it and I heard it at least you were listening
Wonderful, there's a step in the right direction. No, I I want to get better at
being
authentic and not giving you deer in headlights
Yeah, and smiling and being like, oh wait. No, actually, that's not gonna work for me
Right and not feeling like by saying, oh, that's not gonna work for me is aggressive because it's not no that's assertive, right?
You feel guilty right correct. I feel like
It's just easier to go along even if it's not what I want because I don't want to feel like I'm being mean
I'm not answers. Just no, I don't want to do that, right?
So I think I want to get better at that and and I know for a fact that I'm a horrible communicator
How do you and Andrew work?
Because he is a very good communicator. He is he is no he with me. He is he's a very good communicator
I know exactly how he's feeling. I know what he wants. I know what he doesn't want. He has no idea
What I don't want. He's like, what's that a line from the movie? What do you want?
No book. No book. What do you want? My god, it is Andrew and that's me and she's like
Sushi Chinese food. I don't know. What do you want?
But no, he's a good communicator, I am not I will just ignore like if if you ever
Ignore shut down and yeah it and defend exactly if we are in a fight
Which we've been known to have there have been days where I just don't even speak to him
I can I cannot talk to him for three days and he will go about his day and he's like this isn't me
It's been harder to do that with kids because we like have to talk but back in the day when we would fight I
Would just give him the silent really that's horrible. I know I that is toxic
What's that mean where it's like, you know, it's bad while you're doing it
But you're already so deep into it. You can't get yourself out of it and you're like well
I've gone this long. I might as well keep going because I'm
Can't go back now. Yeah, yeah dug myself into this hole now
I've got to make sure he apologizes first because I've already gotten myself. Oh my god. I know I know
I'm not like that to that extent anymore since we've had kids. I
Would like to take a moment of silence for Andrew
I
Took a moment for you Andrew. All right effective
Communication because communication is fine on its own but effective communication is what we are talking about today
there's verbal
Which we struggle with
Nonverbal which is body language facial expressions what I talked about before
Pausing which is like if you're not responding right away
That's a form of communication in a good way doesn't have to be a bad way like taking that moment step back that we talked about before
Who knows how many episodes ago and I contact I
Contact is huge communication and a skill that the new generation does not have
Well, the new generation spends a lot of time
Working from home alone on their computer. So it's not no the children. Oh the chill. Well same thing
Yes, they're on the screens. They can't look you in the eye. I mean teaching teaching dance is the only time I'm with
Anybody but my family members the children in my family and
Oh my gosh the amount of times I have to say look at me. Yeah talking to you look at me
Okay, don't look down. Look at me or the same the short attention span just yesterday
I was telling them how amazing they were doing and then they were talking to themselves and I was like, excuse me
I'm giving you a compliment. Please don't make me take it back. My gosh. I say that all the time
I'm
Complementing you when you're and you're having your own conversation and they can't look at you. It's wild. It's wild the communication
Has completely drops due to technology and social media. Yeah, and then there's a piece of that where you can go
Oh, and then there's a piece where it's like be better. Yeah need to be better people that have children
Be better be better. She I'm looking at
She's looking at me
the third
Communication is written so texting emails letters, you know, those letters. You be right? Oh my gosh Victoria gets so mad about my texting
Communication skills. Oh, it's a joke
I think you were gonna say that it's a joke. It's it's I know how to do it now
And I get mad at myself when I do it wrong because then I get mad at you
But it's my own fault if I send you too many questions for you to answer at one time
It's my fault because you're only going to answer the one that you read
Yeah, and you're not reading all of them, but it's not even that it's that you say my communication through text is mean
And I'm like, no, that's how I talk. It's not. Yeah. Yeah. It does well
You're not mean it's the tone is like, right cuz I I
Don't I read it back and I don't understand how it was mean it was like I would have said that to your face
It's like comment this time. Okay, I'll be there and you're like, oh, that was no no no no
Okay, you wouldn't say okay. I'll be there if I said show up at nine you'd go sure yeah, what's wrong with that?
S-u-r-e
Sometimes period sometimes no period and I'm like, okay
I do not see the difference between texting and talking and
Do you know the difference between responding okay and okay?
Yes, I do. Okay. Sure. Sure. Whatever same thing your lack of
You have no expression in your text and here's why number one. It's okay
It's not a big deal like you do you but you have to choose your words really wisely
If you're not gonna give anyone a sense of like, hey, I'm not actually yelling at you. I'm just being direct
Uh-huh with like an exclamation point or like I don't know an LOL
Which is so stupid but like an LOL or an emoji to like
Diffuse like you're saying something really harsh, but you don't mean it that way. Uh-huh. That's fine
We just have to understand that Carly's B. I am not and it's totally fine
However, if you would like to soften things up, which we will talk about
Then you would just add a sure no problem or sure exclamation point. That's so stupid
That's so stupid. Moving on. That's my communication to you. I'm communicating that I think that texting is stupid
If I mean what I say and I say what I mean, I don't feel like I need an emoji
Because you are a bully behind the screen
She has this sense of puffed out chest because there's a screen in between if it was in person
She'd be like, yeah, sure and it's so light and it's normal and it's also who you are via text
Watch out
Right. Yeah, it's true though. Yeah
You can be who you want to be on text, but in person you would never
You would never K someone in person unless you meant it of like I
Would never K somebody in person, but I also don't really K
Someone on text either because I know what that means and I also am very angry that we're talking about okay and K
Well, that was just to describe, you know the difference
Yes, it yes, you know and I know the difference and I think everybody listening like you if someone's giving you a K
You're like, ooh, they're mad or thumbs up. Everyone says thumbs up is bad
If you just give a thumbs up that to me feels a dismissive
Like it's like mmm, but sometimes I do it when I don't have enough time to write and I just go thumbs up
I would rather you text thumbs up
There's wait, there's another piece of your lack of communication skills via text besides your dismissive aggressive behavior
Your voice texting she voice text and it doesn't understand her
Siri doesn't know what you're trying to say
and sometimes it's a long
Stream of consciousness because I forget to say period that I forget to say to Siri
Period after the sentence because I'm talking you have to say period for yeah, you say period to Siri
You're like, I'm coming on my I'm all my way right now period
Blah blah blah blah blah exclamation point and sometimes I forget that so it's just a run-on sentence
Oh my gosh, it's a run-on sentence talking about children. She doesn't have gene gene Tina Diane
and I have to figure out which child is any of those and
Oh my gosh, sometimes it's it's the complete wrong word
Not a closeness to the word. It's it's left field and then you write back wait what and then she still doesn't actually
If you ever get a text from me and it's spelled s e a
space F I T it's C fit
S e a space F I T it's C fit
S e a space F I T the nautical version
All right, hold on we totally got off. But yes, so written communication is any form of writing
Then listening is also a form of communication
Active listening not I'm looking at you while you're talking to me, but I'm forming the sentence next and or I'm
Completely distracted and thinking of something else
They're listening. Mm-hmm. I actually think it's just as hard as talking. It definitely is. I'm trying to do it right now
and then
Then there is visual communication, which I was like, huh visual communication
But that's kind of how we live as a society right now memes gifts ads
TV TV is on probably in everybody's house either for noise in the background and we don't realize what we're taking in without
You know just sitting and focusing on the television if you have it on in the background
Like I'm doing t-shirts right now and I have noise
To distract me because sometimes I don't like the air pod in my ear at all times. Yeah, podcast bad
I pay yeah to do it for hours and hours now. It's on and so I have the TV on
And I don't even realize that I'm watching it, but I'm watching it right and like I if I looked back
I'd be like yeah, I remember that scene
But I didn't even know I was watching it at the time and I think that's how we all are when it comes to like when you go
To bed with the TV. That's me. That's the worst thing you can do, but that's a visual communication and then
Yes, because it's television, but think of your own Instagram
Page like you're putting out a specific form of communicating who you are to people right right?
It's fake we talk about how fake social media is but like you're putting out how happy you are with your dog
And how great it is to be in the sunshine in the grass with your kids frolicking the field
But you're all fighting and nobody knows that because you're not putting that out right right? I'm making that up
I just made that up. No, no, no. That's not fighting with their children. No, no, no
I was just gonna I was literally not actively listening. I was thinking I know you wonder why cuz she was going yeah, right?
Right, I knew your eyes were glossed over. I was thinking if my Instagram page actually looked like my life
It would just be Dean talking smack to me and me being like Dean get it together Dean time out Lewis stop crying melody
Put your eyes away like it would be like all not what my Instagram actually looks like what's like look how cute my kids are
Melody has the if looks could kill for sure. Uh-huh
So I like that about my Instagram is not nobody's Instagram is actually what it is
Mine I stopped I
Like stopped posting personal stuff unless it really calls like I feel like I really
Want to put something out like your four pictures of your dog today
That was my story. So yeah, you put that out on Instagram. Yes, and she's so cute my sweet little baby angel
See, but I mean like posting something permanently on my Instagram feed. I kind of stopped because I
Didn't want to put a one picture of me looking happy when I don't actually feel it
Yeah, I mean I'm fine right now, but like those types of things. I was like, I'm not gonna do it unless I really want to do it
Yeah, she's fine today
Obviously those are how we communicate and
I I wrote down the entire quote of one thing about effective communication because I was like, oh, it is it's so true
Effective communication means you are more likely to get what you want
Yes, and it doesn't mean in a greedy
Superficial entitled way. It's if you're effective clear direct. I was gonna say respect full
You're going to get what you need and want way more than the back and forth of oh, that's not what I meant
Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, I meant this one. Can I have it? You know like it's too much or the constant
I don't want to do this, but I said I would
Well, why did you say you would because I didn't communicate that I really didn't want to I made it seem like I did want to
And now you're complaining about something that you didn't it's it's really the power of saying no or the power of saying yes and
Meaning it. Yeah. Yes
Yes, you know what I mean?
Like people say yes and people say no all the time, but they don't mean it because it's not direct
It's not effective, but it's communication and I feel like that's me in a nutshell
I say yes all the time or I say no all the time and I I don't actually mean it
Yeah
Yeah, that's a problem. Yeah, I you know what I'm thinking while you were talking because I wasn't listening to you
I could tell
a friend's episode and I can't remember the exact details, but it's
I think they're asking somebody's asking Phoebe to do something and she was like, oh, no
I can't because I don't want to yeah, and I remembered that because I was like gosh
I wish I could talk to people like that, but you can you can say that but not
But to be honest if somebody said that to me, I would be like oh
Like there's a way to say it and not be like oh, I I like I give it. It's Phoebe buffet and she's just hippie and flighty
That yes, that's funny, but like there are those t-shirts that say oh, sorry. I'm late
I don't want to be here and I'm like, uh well there's assertiveness and being rude are very different
Yeah, very very different and that's rude. Yeah. Yeah, so I think that's where my lines get crossed where I'm like
Oh, no sure. I'm so sorry. I'm laying and I'm like under my breath. I'm like because I don't want to be here
Do you know what I mean? Like that's passive-aggressive. Yes, I am passive-aggressive passive is the opposite of assertive
Yes passive. I am sarcastic
I am passive-aggressive
You never know if I'm telling you the truth or not because I could be making a joke but being completely honest with you
I'm a horrible person. You're not sounding great
You know you're not not selling yourself well right now
I'm only sarcastic to people that know me, but you're being honest and I appreciate that
But there's a lot of reasons as to why you wouldn't be a good communicator and they seem very obvious
Me or everybody? The world
But Carly wrote these articles so
Stress if you are stressed your tone is gonna come out differently
You're gonna be distracted and overwhelmed and you're not most likely going to be able to listen because of all those factors
You're also not paying attention and that goes with stress, but just not paying attention because maybe you have ADHD
maybe you can't like what did you say earlier about the kids the
Five-second rule the attention span. Oh my gosh, do you have one right now?
The attention span
Because you can't pay attention that's a big factor as to why you're not articulating
Well, we're in communication because you didn't really pay attention what they said before so how you gonna be productive there?
body language crossing your arms is completely closed off and closed-minded and
Slouching and if your feet are pointing towards someone
They're interested and if they're like giving you a basically the side hug type of situation
Like that's a completely different communication in body language, right?
So all of that plays a factor as well as facial expressions
I'm gonna side note right now. I actually read that in business school back in the day
They used to teach how to give handshakes because handshakes
Were that important the physical communication that is your it's like
Your first interview do are they not now you think no, I doubt it. Nobody's touching anymore
Especially after COVID but this was like back in the day. It was like one of those black and white
Old-school movies and the guys were coming up to the teacher giving the handshake. That was a good one
That was a bad one, you know like be more aggressive. No one wants to shake a limp hand, right? But I'm saying that's your first
Think about it like a hug or if you're hugging somebody or you're a handshaking somebody
That's that do you want to be hugging them? You can tell if you do or not, right?
Do you want to be shaking their hand you can tell? Oh, it's another thing Carly's not good at I just don't do it doesn't like
Hugging unless you are her child. Yep or her husband. Yeah, I I hug Andrew or her child
I think I've ever seen you hug Andrew. Oh, I do all the time. No, I hug Andrew
Never seen if mom sends me one more real about why hugging is important. I might I might come for her
Hugging is very important and I agree with that. However
Energy transfers via touch is a big deal and I don't let just anybody touch me
No, that's true and I've learned that in the past couple of years. So if you want to hug me
That's fine for you. Happy for you
So happy for your life choices
But I I'm not gonna do that. Yeah
Unless I feel like it's okay. Yeah, right and
It's not like a consent thing. It's not anything like that. It's like truly if your energy is off
I do not want you touching me
So it's a piece of that and if I don't know you I'm not a hugger to people like I don't know completely opposite
I'm a hugger to people. I don't know if I know you don't hug me
It's got to be a pillow you can take to change all of this or a lobotomy or something like that. Okay continuing judging
Judging creates barriers not boundaries
Barriers for your communication skills. So you really want to go into anything with understanding
Even if it's a heated type of conversation, but even the regular conversation
We got to eliminate the judgment. Yeah, which is really hard
but necessary
unwarranted
unwanted advice
This is hard for people who have no awareness of how they sound. Yeah, or what?
how they
Not like you should have awareness of how you look to other people but like
unwarranted means perception you mean yes perception not like your right official look right uh
Yeah, sometimes people just want to talk and it if you have the awareness in my last relationship
I was like I have to start asking do you want
My advice like do you want me to help you with something or do you just want to talk?
Because there's such a difference there. Mm-hmm. And even if you have good advice if they don't want it just sit there and listen
Sometimes people just need an ear and they need to like work it out for themselves, right?
And sometimes they need the advice, but you you should ask that question first. Mm-hmm
Andrew is a fixer. So if I'm venting he's like giving me all the ways to fix it and I'm like nope
Don't want him. I'm just
Like well, he can't win Carly. I know I don't think the man has a chance in hell
in any situation, but Carly is like you are like that you are a
You go in defense mode with help with help because I don't want anybody to help me
So I'm like I'm speaking out loud and I'm complaining, but don't give me
Any advice on how to fix it? I'll do it myself and I'll do it the real hard way
But I don't want any help. Yeah. Yeah
Okay
Avoiding concerns is the next one
So
It keeps from crying
if someone is
Just like right now saying a lot of concerning things
You don't want to avoid them, but you want to be clear and direct in
showing concern or
Asking if you could give some advice like there are just ways to not ignore or dismiss situations and
Listen, yeah, I get it
I think what I'm the goal for everybody and myself is just to have the clear path
You know what you want, which is very hard to do a lot of the time. You know what you want
You know where do you want to go? How do I get there? I need to be clear
I need to be direct and I need to know what I want my brain is Richard Scarry's busy town
where
There are so many roads and I see the clear one and I can't get there because I have to stop at the Bunny's Post Office
And I have to stop at the Lions library and there are just so many
Ways and I feel like I'm trying to go around them all because I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings that the clear direct path
That I need to get to I can't get to because I'm trying not to hurt everybody else. You know what you mean?
Yeah, and I also liked your alliterations there
the Lions library
Yeah, yeah, and if you have busy town going on in your head at all times
it's hard for you to listen because you are trying to do so many things up there and
It's hard for you to articulate because by the time you figured out the sentence
You're trying to turn the street and and then you lose it and you're like that's what I meant
Yeah, and it gets it gets hard and that's how yeah communication is hard when you don't
When you can't figure out how to get what you want. We need you to go from
Busy town to like Winnie the Pooh a little slower
Not a lot happen that's so much a hustle. Yeah busy town is hustling all the time language choice
That's another reason as to why you're probably not a good communicator your language choice and we're gonna dive into this a little deeper
Okay
With saying eyes and use and wheeze and us's and stuff like that
It's what you choose to say not necessarily use use guys. No, what that kind y o use poor role
Right exactly like use guys. We're gonna get into this. Oh my god
So if any of those are you
Hmm use you should think about your choices. Any of those are you?
They say the first way to be effective in your communication is to ask questions, but open-ended ones not yes or no one yes that I yes
No
And that makes a lot of sense because that just means that there's more lines of the holiday
Yeah, and then it would probably most likely the direct answer and
and
You know information pass-off will come out more clear and then it won't be confusing
Clear than the sentence I just made
Be clear eliminate filler words and that doesn't mean just whether the popular ones like um
Yeah, it's all words like I mean, you know
That's not being clear and direct right
Right, and I feel like I there's so many where people are like
You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean?
That is a huge one. I hate that one. Oh, I thought you're gonna say you say that I was like no
I don't say it. I hate hearing it. No because it's like yes
I do know what you mean keep going or no I have no
No, you're talking about and if I answer every time you say, you know what I mean, we're gonna be talking forever. Yeah
Read books the more you read the more vocabulary
You soak in and then it will be easier to articulate stress management is the next one. Good luck
Proper body language we talked about lean forward when you're interested don't cross your arms unless you're trying to convey that so
Here's one Carly cannot get behind
silence
If I'd read avoid using the silent treatment
Oh
Yeah, Carly. I think silence is very power powerful screw that. No, you don't you hate silence
I hate right. I hate silence, but if I'm giving the silent treatment, it's very powerful because it means I'm mad
Oh my god, I'm so triggered. I do it mad
I do it a lot less now because Andrew and I don't really fight about anything except like kids
Schedules and stuff like that, but like I used to do a lot when I was younger when I was young
I mean, I've been with Andrew since I was 19 years old. So to me that was like my fighting mechanism
I was like, yeah, we don't agree. I'm gonna give you the silent treatment for three days and he was like, yes
This is glorious
I
Am so upset. Okay. I don't do it anymore
But also silence is golden. That's what I meant to say silence is powerful silence is golden
Yeah, silence is powerful
It's certainly powerful
But I mean silence is golden and like take a moment to think about what you're gonna say next
Yes, it's just talking to talk not I'm gonna give you the silent treatment because I'm mad at you and you should just assume
That you know how to fix the situation without me talking to you. Yes, that is that was me in a nutshell
Yeah, put your eyes away
She got very excited that I knew what she was talking about because that is exactly why I would give the silent treatment
I'm like you need to figure out how to fix this and assume, you know, what's going on in my head
You still do that sometimes
Did he yesterday? Yeah, she does it to me a lot
positive mindset
And that one's hard just because but we're talking about communication in general. We're not talking about like anger
No, no, no conflict. So smiling having enthusiasm
enthusiasm IE an exclamation point a period and emoji
or a sense of humor adding some, you know
Fun little 10 bits in there. I don't really know what that means. That's okay be respectful. So you always want to have empathy
Open mind open heart with any type of communication if you think your way is the only way
There's a different episode and podcast that you need to listen to first before you get to this one and that that just comes with
understanding so any type of communication you have to understand a little bit of where the other person
Might be coming from and if not you ask those open-ended questions to figure it out
Or you just have a sister that lives as the devil's advocate so that when you think you're super right you have a sister that goes
Well, let's look at the other side
But that's not see devil's advocate only happens when it comes to you because you are always triggered and you always go to
the defense and 10th and degree I like and 10th degree
9th degree 8th
7th of separation what about seventh inning stretch now?
stop it
End degree. I think it's end degree. Cool. You always go to the extreme. There you go
of defense mode
and
Perceiving things in like a whoa back off way. I know that's what I'm saying
I need you everybody needs somebody to back them off the ledge and be like, why don't you look at the other person?
The only person they have to go. All right, hold on Carly. Um our brother
Yeah, that's true. He is an extremist
Yeah, I have a purpose in life. That's for sure
Keep learning and keep
Your curiosity and basically like interest which means if you're meeting somebody new
find stuff out about them so that you can
Keep the communication lines open that goes for business life personal life
friendships anything like that. Um basically this article is telling you to facebook stalk them and
find out all of their
Uh interest before they tell you so that you know what's going on
That's not actually true. Please don't do that
And then the last one is use people's names
I read that and I was like that's so silly and then I started saying names out loud
And I was like wow that actually makes a huge difference
I do think there is a way to overuse someone's name in conversation though. I know someone specifically that really says it
Almost at the end of every sentence that they say and I'm like that we know what my name is not like almost condescending
No, it's almost to me. It feels a little contrived like
Like oh, how are you doing today Carly? You answer. Oh wow Carly
That's really interesting. You answer it. Well Carly. It's like there's too much. Yeah, it's too much. It's too much
Remembering someone's name and letting them know that you remember them
That's enough and then you know you sprinkle it in there every now and then but like after every sentence
Yeah, don't do that back off a little
back off
Sorry, I was was being jack black
Step off. Oh step off step off step out
So I I think I want you to tell us about assertiveness. Can't wait. Okay
See what you took from all these articles. Listen
Assertiveness is the ability to express feelings opinions and it lies between passive aggressive communication
And constructive boundaries. So it's very I feel like assertiveness is a thin line, but it doesn't have to be
That thin that as thin as I think it is in my mind
Well, you're I don't know if the line is thin. You just are on one side or the other
Right, there's like no middle ground because you're either very confusing or you're so direct. You're aggressive
Right, and I want to be in the middle where I'm like, no, no, thank you. I don't want to do that instead of saying
But why'd you do it in your weird voice?
Because that's how I would say it if I didn't really want to do it
But don't we all have that we have a phone voice. We have a stranger voice
We have our regular normal circle of people voice
It's so funny that we I think we all do that
I I hear that for myself on the phone. I'm like, put your voice down. What are you doing?
Well, I think assertiveness. Well, I know assertiveness comes from confidence
You have self-esteem, right? You have to be super confident
In what you want, which I think I know what I want. It's not the confidence I need
It's the the feeling of hurting other people's feelings if I say no
Well, yes, I'm working through that too. That is we
Have a bit of worrying about the other person first before ourselves
And that is where this becomes really challenging because we've always put anybody else's feelings first
and then
thought about hours or the people in our circle and that is why it's really hard to not feel guilty guilty. Yeah when you
Disappoint quote unquote. I'm quoting that
Somebody else with your answer of no, thank you. No, I I don't want to do that
I'd rather do this or I'm going to do this or I'm or yes
This is what I want to do and I'm gonna do it and it's not no big deal. Those are boundaries
Yeah, creating boundaries is tough and there are some people please are golden rules to being assertive
And it's a lot like the communication sort of communication skills. It's using I statements
I want to do this. I do not want to do this, right? And it's your personal point of view
It's how you feel instead of going around it. You say I want to do this like it and also to be aggressive you would say you
Right, that's where the difference is right right right right right if you use you too much
Then that you're putting um, you're putting blame on somebody else or you're giving them
More judgment on their person versus like the behavior
So you want to you want to keep it to your perspective your opinion?
And not bite it so much
Don't bite it. That's true. The next golden rule is just like Victoria said state facts not judgments don't judge
And speak from truths speak from facts and that's being direct. Yeah, I mean and if that's confusing
I think somewhere in there
if if the
If what you want to say or what you should be saying is
You're being mean to me
That would be putting blame and saying the word you and that could come across as aggressive
so I think the flip for the assertive version of that is
I feel like you're being really unkind to me right now in how you're talking
And there's no confusion there
Because if you say you're being mean they're like i'm not being mean right why you blah blah blah blah blah
But if you're like what you're saying is really unkind to me and I don't I don't appreciate how you're behaving
There's no mixed communication. There's no question. Exactly. There's no mixed communication
And the last one is use open body language. So if stand up tall open up your arms don't cross your arms
I mean literally victoria is on the top of the titanic right now. That's what I was thinking. Yeah, she was rose
And the on the tip of the boat
Um, but that's true because I am just thinking of the kids that I teach and when I'm giving them a correction
And they're standing with their arms folded. They clearly don't want to hear
The correction or anything that I have to say even if I'm saying good job, right?
Like their arms are folded and that's a clear communication sign
And it's you don't want to tell somebody you want to do something or you don't want to do something with your arms folded
That's mixed communication. Right. Even if you're in a good mood and that's just something that's relaxing to you
Because put your arms like that. Your body language is saying something completely different what your
voice is saying. Assertiveness is
quite literally making the boundaries and then
Being confident enough to get your point across
Exactly like we said without saying you you you even if you in my mind sometimes I'm like, oh if I if I say well
You wanted this this is what you wanted. I'm doing what you wanted. That's not you're putting it on them
Right, you're putting it on them. You have to reverse the situation put it on yourself and just I mean
What's it called the the word of the day today is direct. Yeah, not rude taking responsibility
uh
Is when is what you're talking about and not putting it on somebody else because that gets aggressive even if you don't mean it
aggressiveness comes from I think self entitlement and
That is a big one like I'm gonna get this. I want it. I don't really care how I'm gonna get it
I'm gonna say what I think and I think there's a difference between saying exactly how you feel
and completely sugarcoating it and that's where assertiveness comes across because if you're feeling a certain way about something
There are some people like Phoebe buffet who can say
No, I don't want to I don't feel like it
And then there's a way of sugarcoating it like me who will who will say anything
I will dance around it because I don't want to hurt your feelings and assertiveness goes right through the center
Right
But the entitlement is aggressive is right. You're just talking. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. I think the the aggressive
part is my people it's the type of people that say
I'm not mean. I'm just blunt
That I don't think is fair. I don't think that's a fair statement
I don't know. Yeah, I agree. I don't I agree that I don't agree
Being blunt or being being blunt is mean being direct
Is being assertive right and there's there's a difference there
So if you're somebody that says I'm not mean. I'm just blunt. Well, guess what you're rude
You're rude. That's that's there's a piece of being rude and a little
Unaware with that there. I read this I'm going to read it
To word word for word people misunderstand the meaning of assertiveness and mistake it for aggression or excessive dominance
In fact, assertiveness is a positive characteristic. Oh, yeah. Yeah
Yeah, you want you want to teach and raise your children to be assertive
Get your point across be respectful of whoever you're talking to all at the same time, right?
To me
I just feel like it's not that hard. I know but just like if you're me and you're thinking of busy town
Like it shouldn't be that way, but I think that's how you like this is a perfect example and I am a
I do it
Like you say to your kids. Oh, give them a hug. Give them a hug. Well, melody doesn't want to give that person a hug
Because she doesn't know them. I do so it's perfectly fine, but she doesn't
So then that is teaching her about the whole boundaries thing and instead she could just say, you know what mom?
I don't feel comfortable and I would back off. I see myself doing that sometimes and I'm like, I forget it
She's not gonna say that right. I want I want them to learn that now
Yeah, but don't you be the one to force that? I'm I'm testing them. No
No, but I'm saying I see myself do that and I'm like, ah shoot
That's what mom did. I know because you don't have to hug everybody
That you don't know if you don't feel comfortable and I want them to be like
Assertive about standing their ground and that's just a simple subject. I mean, there's so simple example
There's so many other
examples of things that we make our kids do that they don't want to do and
They don't they shouldn't have to do right?
There's a lot of things like what you're talking about at 38 and what I'm talking about at 35
That it comes out
At that age right because of one year nine and seven and four of things like that you were
100 taught how to do right and that's hard. So Justin when Justin was here one time
I can't remember what episode it was but he was saying that his kids are now openly talking to him about why they don't want to do something
Or why they feel uncomfortable because
Justin and abby ask them the questions
Like if you don't ask them questions, you say like dean says no to me all the time
Do I always say but why dean explain to me? Why no not all the time because we're like
He doesn't want to put his coat on and it's two degrees. I'm like, I don't care put your coat on
But if you stopped for a second and said, okay, tell me the reasons why?
It may it does make a little bit of a difference so that when they get older
They will come right out and say well, this is why I feel this way or this is why I don't want to do this
Right, but it takes repetition. It takes time and it a lot of people don't it's frustrating sometimes it doesn't
Yes, and it's frustrating because you want everything to be busy town and move really fast
Yes, so there's a difference you do have to slow down to be like what you're feeling is anger
Let's talk about it. And that's where I think they learn their emotions
Of like I am feeling angry. This is what I've learned. This is what anger feels like or I've learned this is what
You know excitement feels like right you're over excited. I'm over excited, you know
Well, Andrew lives on that straight clear direct path. Yeah in a rocking chair with a piece of
Like hay in his mouth and he's sitting on that rocking chair and he's just like twiddling that piece of hay
and I'm in busy town and that's
We need to like curve it a little bit you need to get out of it
You need to take the road out of busy town
But he also needs to get a little bit more suburban
Right because he's in Beaumont and he needs to move in you need to move out
Beaumont, where the hell is Beaumont?
It's in Texas. So it's true though. That's very true. I think you just have you have learned behaviors
Which is a reason that you might have bad
Communication I don't want to say the word bad, but you have a lack of assertiveness, right?
It's a learned trait. So if your parents
Which weren't assertive and they behaved in a certain way you you can
You're born into that right so you you are what you see a lot as a child. So here's the thing
Mom always gets what she wants. She does
But she knows how to do it
Or in busy town by going around people's feelings, but she's oh I'm always like mom
Why did you let this person get away with that and she's like I got it
You got to give a little and then I'll get what ultimately I will get what I want
So I think that's how we were raised to like ultimately will get what we want instead of
I'm going to get what I want right now
By being assertive like mom
Goes around especially she's yes. She's passive and that's how I am
That's how I am. I will yes, but not through text. You are certainly not through text
You also are a lot of behaviors of mom of say hi. Did you say hi? Yes
Mom, I love you. We talk to you about this all the time. So this isn't news to the world or to you, but
Yeah, even as adults you walk into the room. Did you see this person say hi? Yeah
That's you do that. Yes, I do your kids and I'll go Harley. She already said hi to me
Yeah, or if I ask melody a question you answer
Well, that's because I know the answer I
Don't want to talk to you anymore than I have to I don't want to talk to you
I don't want to hear from you
But that's true and that's Carly that's you being in busy town not fully being in the moment of the room
And wanting it to happen faster
Than it's happening or not paying attention. Yeah, I do the same thing
I just don't have kids to to see it more often or more directly like you have, you know passing down the trauma
There's a lot of reasons I'm not going to list all of them
But like if you felt like your voice with silence as a kid or you were ignored or misunderstood
If you just constantly had those busy town irrational thoughts
Which is it's a fun town. It's really fun necessarily from your parents
That's just like kind of how your brain is wired. I don't think that's like a learned trait or if it's a learned behavior
From your parents or your guardians, whoever you got brought up with
stressful life events
No actual like
positive feedback as a kid
Any of those are reasons why you might be a more passive person as an adult, right?
And there's like a ton more on that list, but like those are the easiest ones to kind of I think they're
common
But you can
Retrain your brain. You can you do not have to live passively
Forever you can be assertive. You have to work for it though. You have to try and you have to work for it
I think that um, some of you might be getting stuck on the word passive meaning
Well passive aggressive is what you're thinking. No, no, no passive meaning. It doesn't really bother you
You sort of just let people walk all over you. That's indifferent. That is that's indifferent. Correct. Because when you were saying passive
I was like, I am not passive like I don't let people walk all over me. That's not actually what passive
What we're talking about right indifferent is is kind of dismissive of like
Yeah, but passive and assertive are opposite right right right right. Got it
But how do you train your brain? You do what you're doing right now. You become aware of it. Mm-hmm, right?
Having awareness is the first step
wanting to change
I'm wanting to change but you have to take action. You can't just like want it into effect, right?
So then positive self-talk
That's a big one. Mm-hmm
Because it comes from negative self-talk. Are you looking at me? Yeah, I'm looking right at you. Oh, okay negative self-talk is like
That guilt of like why I can't say this to make the other person
Feel better right like you have this like negative thought pattern
Of why being assertive is too much or why being assertive is too aggressive right or why right?
So there's this positive talk that has to happen to build the confidence right and then the assertive comes
Sort of nisk comes on confident
So it's not that you have a low self-esteem clearly. Have you seen any carly's outfit choices? She is
a very confident person on her superficial on her
mental
I don't want to hurt my my my mental problem is that I just don't want to hurt anybody's feelings
You have to be okay with disappointing people. Yeah, you have to be okay with people not liking your answers
And you have to move on and that's how that's how you be assertive. So it's it's that easy guys podcast over guess what therapy
Damn it therapy because cognitive behavioral therapy, which is talk therapy a therapist is going to help you
Talk about your emotions of what's wrapped around certain situations. They're going to help you
analyze
The irrational thoughts that you're thinking in your head and then you'll find that path out of busy town because you're like
Oh, that's what that means for me. Why do I think that? Why do I go there?
And they will openly because all a therapist is
Is open-ended questions
So that you talk your way
Into what you know, I mean my my therapist doesn't give me any
piece of advice
Just doesn't give me advice. I see questions. I would not do well. She but but it's because I have word vomit and then she's like
Oh, well, where did that come from?
Why did you think that and I will figure it out and say it out loud without thinking
Because I I don't have time to think I'm just talking and then I'm like, oh my god. That's what I can't believe
I was thinking that is that what we're not doing right now is
Why would I pay somebody else to do that? That's what we're doing every every week in any case
No, no, that is it's truly that's that's a good therapist. They also well they give tools as well
Oh, yeah, she'll give you like, you know when you go into this event that you're worried about try
Try doing what we just said and try doing that and then that's where you know, not just oh, yeah
I'm just kidding. Victoria is no we're close to being a therapist. She doesn't help me at all. So
Okay, well we are going to move on
Into Carly's only way to communicate which is games
We're gonna play two communication games
Are you ready? So ready. Okay. The first one is called taboo
Oh, do I get to a buzzer? You don't it's called um
There you go. There's your buzzer. So I sent you a picture. I haven't looked at them. Okay, you can
Look at look and pick one word at a time. It's playing taboo. You have to describe
The word to me without saying the word. Okay. Okay
Okay, communication game number one really fun to play with your friends fun to play in the workplace if you're trying to
You know open up the lines of communication. Okay, okay
Billy stop sign college
criminal
sort of
Action
running he did
jail
yes
but
police
Action arrested. Yes. Wow. We'll get better. Okay
Sorry Billy
Yeah, we won't tell you anything about that. None of us we are not letting you in on what she was just saying figure it out
No, I literally said police
stop sign college
You can figure it out. Yeah. Okay. Okay
Sephora makeup
Okay, did I get it? Yep. I'm amazing communicator. Yeah die. That's it
dirt
headstone
grave. Yes
Okay, so men
Usually have this definitely in the 70s. You want me to say it? Yeah
I do you said men usually have this
Oh
my
God, it's on their face beard
Goatee. It's mustache. Okay
Not your knee
But not your toes
shin
tibia
lower
ankle
Yes
We are not good at this. We're not describing things. We're just we're not hopefully figuring it out. Not good communicators
Okay, last one
bath
kids
shampoo
hygiene no
Fun you've already said bath so I can't say bath time right
circle
shampoo
a pool
in the bath
Circle, okay. I'm gonna go with a different direction. Decusie?
smack
What? Lips
Are you eating in the shower? This one's horrible
So easy. I think you're okay. Give me give me one more before I
Babe Ruth
You need to babe Ruth with your children more in the bath and eat smack
circle
shampoo
Everyone's screaming this right now exfoliate rhymes with
Shmubble
bubble
What what how how would you have described bubble if you can't see if you can't say gum soap blow or pop
Where's babe Ruth in this?
um in the movie sandlot he had a
You got a piece of gum when you bought his card and babe Ruth has a kind of gum
I would like to tell you that I am angry. That is my communicative
Emotion right now. I feel great
Okay, next game. Hurry up. It's called rapid fire
communication station
Okay, quickly answer the question and you get to know a lot about their deepest darkest secrets
I will never finish the sentence. I will never. Oh, okay. So the rules are to finish the sentence
First of all, that's a piece of communication
You did not say that I have to finish the sentence of the things that are about to come out of your mouth
Communication station finish the sentence. I will never do this with you ever again
You won't find me here on the couch with you tomorrow
I'll never throw out
My dog. I knew you were gonna say that. I knew you were gonna say that
She was right here. I didn't know what else to say. You're so dumb. I have never
Jumped out of a plane
I'll never be into
you
I'll always be into me. Catch me outside doing
walking
Catch me outside
In case I go missing
Don't call Carly
I won't answer
I very much dislike
Starbucks I I love
Voila
Guess what you're a good communicator
Well, once I learned the rules
So we want to thank all of you for coming to Carly's therapy session
time 66
If you've learned nothing else today
We always want you to remember how hard my life is
And that we are all fit
To be real and always allowed to be a little extra
Get the
Hell out of here
For legal reasons we have to tell you that this podcast is meant for entertainment and educational purposes only we are not healthcare professionals
For all of your health wellness fitness and self-care needs
Please refer to the medical professional in your life your primary care physician your therapist a certified coach
Whoever it may be and then let us know what they say because I guarantee we need to know what to do
Okay
Okay, bye