Welcome to Fit to Be Real.
And a little extra.
Are you holding a grudge?
Always.
Do you feel?
Oh.
I was going to do this whole intro.
Oh, sorry.
But that's really all we need.
That's about it.
That's the point of the whole episode today.
We are going to talk about arguments, grudges,
how to let go, and everything in between.
Everything in between, which you wouldn't think
there would be a lot in between.
But there's a lot to this.
Well, there are many levels.
And I think one of the biggest things in this episode
specifically today will be how many times I will sing,
let it go.
Oh, god.
I knew.
I knew that was part of your plan.
This was my idea episode, by the way.
I got to let it go.
Yes.
You have to.
Let it go.
I took it down.
You're, yeah.
I took it way down.
Sorry, Adina, way down.
Adele Dazeem does not approve.
Adele Dazeem.
You may hear Carly's pepiness is a little bit different today.
Two weeks ago, I was the ill one, and now she is the ill one.
We just like to share everything.
My pep is still up, but my vocal cords are pretty down.
No, but seriously, I was thinking about doing
an episode like this because I am not an expert
and I have a very hard time with this, like a very hard time.
Wow, can you hear that she's holding her grudge right now
and she's like really upset about something?
I hold on to things and it eats me away from the inside.
Yeah, it does.
Well, let's get into it.
I'm Victoria.
Hey, guys, I'm Carly.
Oh, it's still there.
Hey, guys.
Hey, guys, it's Carly.
What up?
I like them all.
OK, I like them all.
I will not hold any grudge against you.
So yeah, we have all been in situations where we've been hurt.
It's usually when we've been hurt or embarrassed or it's not usually
an agree to disagree kind of conversation.
No.
You have to be like feeling on the outs or something like that.
Agree to disagree is basically neutral.
You're just looking at looking at it and then walking your separate ways.
Right.
A grudge is like standing there.
I'm picturing it in my mind is standing there with like arms crossed, not.
We're not budging.
And that grudge rhymes with budge.
That's all I can input today.
Yeah, so a grudge.
OK, they're hard to get out of, especially if you are wired that way.
But I don't know why I hold on to them for so long.
I would love to.
Let it go.
I would like to invite you to take a drink every time she sings.
Let it go.
But make sure please do not be driving.
So grudges are holding on to feelings for too long.
That's basically all it is.
Yeah, it's a feeling.
It's a feeling problem.
It's a feeling problem to break it down.
I mean, that really is all it is to break it down even more.
They they say that if you are prone or tend to hold grudges as your primary
reactionary go to, it's either a low self-esteem, poor coping skills.
You've obviously been embarrassed or hurt by someone else.
You have a short temper.
Or I don't know what that was.
I keep on.
Or anxiety, which everybody has all of those things, right, to some degree.
I think that's just the human condition.
Yeah, I think and we all might not be all or nothing.
Like I have a little of this, a little of this, not any of that one,
but a lot of that one.
Like it's like a smorgasbord.
A smorgasbord.
Oh, yeah.
I think a smorgasborg is an org from trolls.
A smorgasbord.
I don't know.
I want some I want some medicine right now.
I think it's called a grudge.
Yes, I think it's a grudge.
So holding grudges is just blaming the other person.
And then it's a form of self-protection.
Yes. Did you read that?
Yes. And that that was a big one, I think.
Well, that resonated with me because I think I hold grudges to protect myself
and I hold grudges for other people.
Like if somebody hurt you, I hold a grudge against that person in protection of you.
So I think that was a big one for me.
And you do the same.
Victoria can can she will forgive.
Actually, Victoria is very good at forgiving, but she will never forget.
Well, I thought about this when I was reading it.
Old Victoria, previous Victoria, would be shut down, put up a wall.
Yeah. Grudge holder.
There was no coming back coming back.
And I think that was like through college up until I don't know,
honestly, probably till I was 30 and I'm 35.
So only until we saw that medium.
That was a game changer.
Yeah, that was a game change.
Life changed.
Yeah. So 30, 30 years of my life, I think that was my skill.
And it was a self-protection because I was a self-protector.
Self-protection because it's so much easier to put that wall up and not feel feelings
than feel the bad feelings and or learn how to feel the bad feelings and let them go
and or deal with them. Right. Yeah.
Yeah, I like how you say.
Yeah, I like this medicine that you're on.
It's just it's different ways to see the same thing, which is usual for for our back and forth.
But you're you're really killing it.
Well, how do you say it in English?
It's a dayquil.
It's new.
I love the dayquil.
It just came out on the market.
That's good.
So there are mental health effects to holding your grudge.
It can actually affect you in a poor way to just hold on to these feelings mentally and physically.
Yes, but we're going to talk about mental health effects.
Oh, yeah.
And then we'll get to the physical.
So you feel anger, resentment, bitterness, hopelessness, emptiness and rage a lot easier than other emotions and you hold them for longer.
Those are horrible.
They aren't to think about like that's how you live.
That's how you walk around.
Right.
So they skewing your mind to only go to the negative or go to the negative first before any other emotion to be if you're holding grudges and that's like you're go to.
Right.
And you will never really look at the positive first.
You're not training yourself to do that.
That's like a pessimist in definition.
Yeah.
And you are unable to be present in the moment because you're living in the past.
In the past.
I read that and I was like, oh, that hit.
Yeah.
You can.
That makes a lot of sense for you.
For me.
Yeah.
Because I have a hard time living in the moment.
Yeah.
Like that's just.
But that's why.
You can easily go back and rehash whatever has happened before.
And then it's self inflicted daily pain.
And this is for the mental health effects.
Self inflicted daily pain.
It's what you said it in a previous episode.
It's like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die or.
It was something about tea.
No, you said it.
It was a it was a meme on like drinking the tea, but it could either be karma.
Karma.
We were talking about karma.
Yeah.
But it's the same thing holding your grudge and holding onto those feelings and constantly
replaying this, the conversation.
Oh, that is over and over in your head.
Yeah.
That's you drinking poison and looking at the other person and being like, when are they
going to collapse?
No, you're the one collapsing.
Right.
So that's self inflicted daily pain.
It produces anxiety.
Aggressive behavior of us.
Depression.
Only aggressive behavior when you're in the moment.
Yes.
When it's happening.
I'm very sharp.
Carly's not aggressive.
I can be very biting.
Biting.
Yeah.
Depression.
Emotional dysregulation, which everybody has to a degree, but holding grudges, you
probably live in that like infinitely mood disorders, self harm.
It could get to that self harm state of mind and burnout.
Yeah.
And burnout.
Those are really horrible.
So the way to work through all of that is the easy, easy action of forgiveness and acceptance.
You know, so here's a little side note.
Everyone always thinks that I am the nice one and Victoria is like the tougher one.
It is the complete opposite.
I don't smile as much as you do.
I think that's, I really do think that's what it is.
I am very sharp and very biting and I will cut you off immediately.
And Victoria will say, can just hold on a second.
Let like think about it.
That's not what happened.
I wasn't always like that though.
I really, I wasn't very, I'm, I've just evolved.
Just kidding.
And I haven't evolved yet.
I'm just kidding.
She's too busy to evolve.
She's too busy.
She's got three kids.
She's trying to keep the business afloat.
She's married.
She's trying to cut people out of my life.
I don't have enough time.
Victoria is like, hold up, back up.
Well, there's a sense of boundaries there when you cut people off.
Like we have talked about that before.
Creating healthy boundaries sometimes is saying goodbye to people that need to be not a part of your timeline anymore.
However, not every fight or argument or situation requires the cutoff.
No.
And I think because of my confrontational, I don't like it.
I don't like to confrontate.
Ooh.
It is now.
I don't like to confrontate.
So I avoid it and then hope it goes away.
But harbor.
But, but I will exactly, I will hold the grudge because I don't want to have a confrontation and I'll pretend that it didn't happen.
But I'm literally, you're still dying inside.
Yeah.
So here's how that affects you physically.
Cardiovascular issues, heart problems, see previous episode of heart conditions.
Okay.
So that could essentially affect your cardiovascular system.
Digestion and gut problems and gut health is directly related to mental health.
We should do an episode on that.
Gut health is directly related to mental health.
I'm not going to say it again.
I was just going to say.
Reproduction issues.
Oh, really?
It's, I think that's all the same type of thing.
Yeah.
Mental health, I think, and I don't know much or anything about.
I like pregnancy or anything.
Or pregnancy or anything like that.
But they always say the same thing.
We try to relax, de-stress.
Yeah.
It will come naturally.
It will try, you know, you have to, you can't be trying to get pregnant with your shoulders up in your ears and like life is just a ball of cortisol.
I mean, have you never seen Sex in the City movie?
Charlotte was a ball of stress, could not get pregnant, adopted, and then got pregnant.
Right.
Because she was not stressed about it anymore.
Yeah.
I learned everything I need to know from Sex in the City.
That's all of our research, by the way.
When we say click on the articles, we really just mean go watch Sex in the City.
I'm just kidding.
Lack of sleep.
Yeah.
Oh, yes.
Insomnia or just poor sleeping habits.
And mind.
A immune system, which opens you up for ailments, cancer, and everything else in between.
And all of that just comes from harboring grudges, which is negative emotions.
And it sounds a lot easier said than done, but you control it.
So like you can control all those mental and physical ailments to not have them.
You have the power to do it, but it is very difficult.
It is so hard.
I starred this, so I'm going to assume that I thought it was important.
Another physical health effect and mental, I guess, is memory issues and perception of reality.
Perception of reality, I think, is huge.
They're associated with holding grudges because you believe things are happening one way,
and maybe 12 people around you are like, wait, that's not what happened.
And then you dissociate, which is forget, or your mind blocks out the issue.
And then you have like black holes in memory.
Right.
That is very important because I do think that people have a false sense of reality when it comes to negative situations that they've been in,
or they believe it to be so true that they made it up in their mind.
Yeah.
And that it's a false sense of reality.
I think that's a big one.
I'm glad you starred it.
I did.
I starred it.
Then there was a third part of this article that said the social effects of being a grudge holder.
And I read it, and all I wrote was, no friends.
Because it says you don't socialize.
Well, it's because nobody wants to be around you.
When you have presented yourself as this tough, hard wall of, my God, I don't want to thank God, I'm on her good side type of person.
You don't really have any real friends because they're not going to vent to you.
They're not going to open up to you.
They're not going to let you in.
And then you're probably going to start being not invited to the happy hour because they don't want you around.
And you don't want to go because you live in a negative headspace and world.
So why would you want to go?
Right.
Because you are just living in a dark cloud.
You're on edge and you're kind of ready to fight when it gets presented to you.
Oh, she got excited for that.
I just, I'm in a...
We're going through a bit of a thing right now where this will be very helpful because a lot of times you hold grudges because you don't get the outcome that you want.
And the outcome that we want is an apology because we've been hurt.
And or acknowledgement that somebody else is in the wrong either as solely or in addition.
I think awareness.
Right.
I have the problem which I think a lot of people have is I respect people so much and almost to my detriment because I will go above and beyond for somebody else so that when I've been hurt or disrespected, I'm not going to let it go.
Right.
I'm going to make you acknowledge that you disrespected me.
And when I don't get it, that acknowledgement, there's the grudge.
There's the shut down or not shut down cut off.
And I'm just like, no, I'm going to keep coming back at you until you give me the respect I deserve and you don't get it.
You'll never get it.
I'll never get it.
Because people that have no awareness and that are engaging in such disrespect that you do have to engage in one of the ways to stop all this is disengaging.
But those people will never be the first to own up or not want the last word.
Nine times out of 10, they just want the last word and it's never going to be an apology.
And that's what eats at you too.
Right.
And I think that's where I get myself into a bind because then there's me trying to get the last word to be like, you're wrong.
Acknowledge that you're wrong.
And I'm never going to get that.
So there's me bringing myself down to their level.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Exactly.
And I'm going to talk about some, you know, some tips to not hold a grudge.
Yeah.
To sort of let it go.
Let it go.
I started too high at this vocal range right now.
Do it again.
Let it go.
Gule.
Wait.
Let it go.
Gule.
If you are old enough to know who Robert Gule is, you can stay.
Oh my God.
If you're not, look it up.
Okay.
Is it worth it?
So the number one tip is decide if you want to win the battle.
Do you really want to win this battle?
And if you had talked to me in the beginning of grudge holding, I would say 100%.
It's about me winning the battle.
Who's like, who's deciding that you've won?
Right.
You know what I mean?
You win by just letting it go.
Like that's how you win.
But that's only if you are in a good mental headspace.
Sure.
So what is so unimportant in the grand scheme of life, that who cares?
You have to be okay.
I think it comes down with you have to be okay with people not liking you.
That's very hard for me.
People not liking you and being comfortable with the disappointment that somebody might
feel about you.
That's a hard one.
And deciding if you want to win the battle is completely up to you.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I'm not there yet.
I'm getting there.
Evaluate the importance of the argument.
Like, are you compromising your beliefs?
If you let the grudge go, that's a big, that's a big one.
Yeah, because sometimes I do feel like I always have to back down
and let the other person win.
And that's a hard pill to swallow.
Sometimes I'm like, I'm right.
Why do I always have to be the bigger person?
Right.
I don't want to be the bigger person sometimes.
I want to stoop down to your level.
Oh, but is that fun?
But I, but I know I won't because that's not how we were raised.
We were always taught to kill them with kindness and, you know, be the bigger person.
But that's so hard.
But I think you misconstrue taking a step back and compromising versus.
Saying your peace and your truth and letting and then moving on.
Like, just because you've moved on after you have said what you needed to say,
that doesn't mean you've back down or compromised.
That means you're just, I've said what I needed, whether you believe me or not,
whether you agree with me or not.
And moving on, right?
That's not, that's not backing down.
You want that.
You want the validation and the the acknowledgement of wrongdoing on your part.
And the problem happens when you just have to stay.
You just have to say, I'm never going to get it from this person and say, oh, well, right.
That's something I have to learn.
But you have to know that you know your truth and you know your beliefs
and you stand by them and they don't have to.
They don't have to.
I'm a very fair person.
I've always been like that.
I like fairness.
Life is not fair.
I know.
Life is not fair.
So the evaluating the importance of the argument, number one way to do that, you have to step away.
You have to step away to evaluate.
You cannot evaluate in the heat of the moment.
That is just going to cause reaction and not response.
You have to know and understand that every relationship involves at least some struggle and disappointment.
If it's happening once, it's probably going to happen again.
So now how do we get the tools to make it a little easier on ourselves?
The next time it happens and how to cope with it.
Right.
And you know, that's a hard one too.
These are all hard.
Next one is ask your.
Hmm.
Are they are they hard?
This one's hard for me.
Okay.
Ask yourself if you're truly winning by holding on to the grudge.
Oh, no, you are losing.
Yeah.
Oh, I know.
Like that's the answer.
It's not a hard one.
I've held on to like a 20 year grudge.
And yeah, I'm very aware that I lost that.
Like I lost that battle because I'm the one that's thinking about it.
And the other person probably never thought about it again.
Oh, yeah.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
So we shouldn't hold on to it because they're not thinking about it.
Oh, no.
So why should we let them think that they win?
That's the you have to let them.
I was going to say it before you were.
I texted that to her.
I said, Carly, let them and she left.
I did.
I was like, oh, God, you and your hippie dippy.
That's not hippie dippy.
It's not.
No, you have to let them think whatever they want to think and you have to not
care about it because you stand in who you are and what you believe.
And you would be the first to apologize.
I mean, I never see that meme on Instagram.
It's not a meme.
It's like a real where the girl goes up and gets coffee and she's like, oh, I'm
sorry.
Can I have a coffee?
And she's like, oh, and then she's like at the grocery store.
She's like, oh, I'm sorry.
Can I buy this?
Like it's the constant.
I'm sorry.
Can I cross the street?
I'm sorry.
Like I'll hold the door for you.
It's when that shouldn't be saying I'm sorry.
That's me on a daily basis.
That is not me with Victoria and my family.
Oh, God, no.
No, and I was called out for over apologizing before.
I think all of us in our we do that.
Except Billy.
Billy doesn't do that.
No, not at all.
But I used to do that too.
I would hold the door and be like, oh, sorry.
Yes.
And then I'd go, why did I just say sorry?
I do.
I do it all the time.
But in argument, that's not your go to.
No, not with family with people that I don't know.
Well, I will over apologize to a fault with people that I know.
It's just like hugging.
I don't hug my family.
I think it's weird and you don't think you are a candidate for therapy.
But listen to yourself.
You have to be accepted into that program.
You've been accepted.
You are sitting on the invitation.
I'm sorry.
Is what is this today?
What what is this couch session?
Then pay me.
Moving on.
Okay.
Recognize the power of forgiveness.
It is difficult.
It's I mean, forgiveness is a wide range of emotions.
Yes, but there's a way to practice forgiveness.
You have to do it for the small stuff.
The stuff that doesn't matter.
Right.
So it is definitely liberating for sure.
You wouldn't know.
I wouldn't.
But I hear.
Yeah.
I hear tell.
You have to do it for the small stuff.
Like when you're in traffic and someone cuts you off, you have to be like, it's okay.
You have to you have to be in the moment of maybe they're having a really hard day.
They didn't mean it.
Not the opposite.
Right.
Or, you know, find that forgiveness there.
Find the forgiveness when someone at Wawa doesn't open the door for you.
Or when you were going to turn in that parking spot and somebody else did it.
You have to find the forgiveness in those small moments.
So that when the big moments come up, it's you have a better mindset.
Right.
Okay.
Because the forgiveness, forgiveness is not for the other person ever.
No, no, no.
I know that now that I'm older.
I don't think you do.
No, I understand the concept.
Forgiveness is 100% for you and your body and your mind to let go.
And that is it actually.
So we don't have those physical and mental ailments.
That's what forgiveness is for is to not get those.
This is also a big one.
See the bigger picture and this when you are in it to win it and you want to win it.
What is the bigger picture?
Is it something that is that important that you must win or you must hold on to this grudge?
You have to look.
I like to think of it as like a mountain.
You have to look over the mountain.
What is on the other side?
Is it better if I hold on?
If it is, I mean, it never is.
The answer is no.
But I feel like over on the other side of your mountain is you with a gold medal jumping up and down.
Like I don't actually think that's a good picture.
But that's, I mean, think of it that if you think of it that way, like it just, we're thinking of our situation.
The bigger picture, it is such a small thing in our life and it is not our issue that Victoria was like,
this isn't an us issue.
So let it go.
Literally just forget about it.
Don't lose sleep over it because in the bigger picture and the grand scheme of life, this is nothing.
And that's, I think, what you have to really remind yourself of when you are raging, when you're rage texting to Victoria.
The little moments of forgiveness also start to add up to being able to forgive yourself and forgive everything so that you can be in acceptance and in the moment for the rest of your life.
Yeah.
And that's, that's a hard pill to swallow.
So you really have to, as Victoria would say, step back.
I'm so smart.
Look at that mountain.
God.
Last one.
Ask if you're willing to ruin your relationship over this.
So you're holding that grudge or you're, you're really in it.
Is it worth it?
That's the cutoff.
Is it worth it?
Yeah.
Is it all worth it?
Like maybe you do just step back and say, not agree to disagree because that other person is not agreeing to disagree.
But are you going to be the bigger person?
Are you just going to let it go or do you shut it down and that, and that is just it for you.
So you have to, you have to weigh your relationship in the situation that you're in.
I think.
I don't, that's, that's a, I mean, I'm going to say it again.
These are all hard for me.
Why?
Because I don't like ruining relationships.
I think because I don't want people to think bad things of me.
Yeah.
Okay.
So when we're talking about some, something that people don't know us that well, but we're having a lot of problems.
That's not that well, but we're having an argument.
Like I still don't want that person to think bad things of me because I'm like that.
What you're saying is not who I am.
You don't know me.
But how does that in the bigger picture of you and the rest of your life, how does that affect you?
Well, I skipped that step and I, I didn't want to see the bigger picture.
So I skipped over it.
No, but in thinking of, should I ruin this friendship?
Should I cut this off because of, or this stranger thinking whatever they want to think of me.
Should I cut this off?
Should I care?
Should I not care?
What does it matter what they think of you?
Especially if it's someone that doesn't really know you that well.
Right.
You know, everybody I think always has a little bit of care of how other people think of them.
If I'm going to be completely honest, I think for us, it stems from having where we live.
People know everybody.
Yeah.
There's some sort of six degrees of separation.
And it's not the smallest town in the world, but we have a family business that is well known.
And we were always told to keep that into the back of our minds of our reputation.
Yeah.
And, you know, it's always going to get back.
Things always come back around.
So I always had that in the back of my head, which is a good thing.
Yeah.
You make better decisions being like, I shouldn't act this way or I shouldn't say these things or whatever.
I shouldn't represent my family this way.
I shouldn't represent the business this way.
But I think that also feeds a little bit into caring what other people think.
Yes, I agree.
And that's where that stems so strongly because we are ridiculous and we will do embarrassing things and we don't care.
But if someone thinks we are a negative type of person, that reflects badly on us, the family, the business and the legacy.
Right.
And that's where our care, I think, weighs a little bit heavy.
Nailed it.
Yeah.
So all of this is well and good.
But how do you do it?
How do you let go and be able to live in the present moment and not think about what happened before for the rest of your life and not worry about future situations?
Right.
They go hand in hand so that you can be in the moment.
There are a few tips we'd like to share.
And I really love that this first one is about a mantra.
I knew it.
I knew you were going to say that.
Create a positive mantra to control painful thoughts.
So if you're holding a grudge and a person's name pops up on social media and you're like, brrrrr.
And then you go right back to that situation that happened.
There's ways to trick, not trick your mind, but train your mind to think more positive.
Say that again.
Hold on.
Let's get it out.
More positively, the one that they wrote in this, I was going to change, but I was like,
you know what?
It's good.
I am fortunate to be able to find a new path in life that is good for me.
I am fortunate to be able to find a new path in life that is good for me, which means move on.
I'm moving on and I have the ability and I can move on and I have that opportunity to move on.
I agree.
And while you're saying that, I was thinking, I think a lot of people think, why is this happening to me?
Or how did this happen to me?
But it's not about that.
It's how can I change the situation I'm in and words mean a lot?
And if you find that good mantra, and as I was driving over here, I put on my Spotify, letting go like meditations.
And I found that there are so many, many meditations and one of them is literally called Let It Go.
And there's nice music in the background and a calm woman's voice saying, this is not my issue.
Let it go.
Breathe in, breathe out.
And I was like, oh my God, this might actually work.
I'm going to hurt you.
All of that is true.
I agree with it.
There are a million apps.
I'm still going to hurt you.
I let it go.
Physical distance.
Take yourself away from the situation.
I've literally wrote, bye.
Do your own work to be in the present moment.
How to do that, you have to focus on gratitude.
So if you're thinking of something or something has just happened, you disengage, you take a step back, focus on what's around you, focus on what you have.
Go into a moment of gratitude and you will, I mean, just like an ombre situation from top to bottom, you will feel yourself cool down.
And it'll go from red to blue and you just, then you can make decisions from there.
I think people skip this step because they think, well, it's not my work to do.
It's their work to do.
Well, that's the problem with the world.
Right.
So I think a lot of people skip the do your own work step.
She's talking about herself.
Literally looking in a mirror.
Mindfulness.
It's just being more in the present moment.
You have to be mindful.
You have to be aware.
You have to, I mean, it's grounding and centering yourself.
Truly dig your feet into your shoes and be like, where am I?
I'm safe.
I'm here.
You count about five things in the space around you, bringing yourself back to your body when you are in a mindset of anger or rage or just wanting to attack.
Right.
It's fight or flight.
Yes.
And you have to be mindful.
And I think that's the hardest thing for everyone is to be mindful because there's so much distraction in the world.
And that is it's such a cluster F.
Be gentle with yourself because you're going to mess up.
You're going to make mistakes.
You're going to say the wrong thing.
You're going to be in response mode, but you're in reaction mode.
And then you're going to get mad at yourself.
Give yourself grace.
You're human.
The human condition is the timeline and the experience that we go through until we die.
And there's going to be ups and downs.
And you get to experience anger and you get to experience joy and you just have to move through them.
But the mistakes will happen in between and you have to be forgiving to yourself.
Now, if you're constantly making the same mistake and you're not changing, that's different.
But if you're trying to change your mindset and how you react to certain situations and you make the mistake when you've been in the process of doing the work.
It's okay.
Well, that sort of goes into the next one, which is like, let your negative emotions flow.
I mean, feel the feelings, feel the negativity.
And if you're a Southern hospitality fan, just know it's all wavy, baby.
Oh my God.
I don't know what that means, but I do like that phrase.
Energy and emotions are meant to flow like the waves.
It's like you fighting the riptide.
Right.
The undertow.
Right.
So if you've ever been in the ocean and there's an undertow and you're like, I have to try to
swim that way wherever where I started because I've flowed this way and it's really strong.
You know how hard it is to swim backwards?
Yeah.
Or against the current.
Against the current.
Thank you.
Yes.
Against the current.
No.
What is the first thing you do?
Don't fight it.
Let it flow you where it needs to go and then you can safely get out.
Yeah.
But you cannot safely get out swimming towards the current.
Right.
You can't.
It's all wavy, baby.
Except that they, I'm moving on, except that they may not apologize.
Yep.
I'm learning that right now.
Yeah.
It's, I'm learning it.
That's all I'm going to say about that.
They will not.
They may not.
They will not.
And that does not, you don't need that validation.
No.
If you are firm and strong in where you stand and who you are, you need to be strong in who
you are to not care how they think about you.
Right.
Because if they're not apologizing, they think a certain way about themselves.
Right.
So you've got to do the self care.
That's the next tip.
Self care.
We've talked about self care a million times.
It can be in a different way every day.
It can be a routine you set for yourself, but self care is 100% attached to forgiveness,
your mindset and your physical health.
Well, it completely changes what you just said, the mindset to make any situation a little
more bearable or clearer when you are in a better space.
And it slows down maybe the process of you coming in hot.
I'm coming in hot.
Be surrounded by people that fill you up, that fill up your cup as well as you filling
up their cup, a support system, a circle of like-minded, supportive people.
It could be your family, it could be your friends, it could be whatever group it is,
but that's who you need to surround yourself with so that you can constantly practice grace,
gratitude, compassion and empathy.
And that goes very much so with the next one.
The permission to talk about it.
Get yourself someone like Victoria who you will text ferociously and she tells you to
go to therapy and slow down.
She tells you to go to therapy.
It also means maybe go to a therapist, maybe go to a professional because sometimes when
you talk about it too much, you're just living in the vent.
Correct.
Because you get to like, oh my God, we're talking about this again.
And that isn't what I mean.
Carly is correct.
Find people in your circle that will hear you out.
Be a third party to either help you diffuse your situation or just be the ear that they're
like, you good?
We can move on?
Cool.
Right?
But professional help, talk therapy just so that somebody else who is not involved in
your life can be like, oh, how'd that make you feel?
And then you can talk about your feelings.
And then the feelings flow through and they don't get stuck.
That's the only point of therapy.
It doesn't mean you're something wrong with you.
It's so that your emotions do not get stuck in your body and then you live your life in
the negative or in this one emotion that is not serving or benefiting the whole purpose
of your being alive.
Right?
Right.
Permission to forgive.
It is vital for the healing process.
And as Victoria said before, it is 100% for yourself.
It is to benefit you.
It is really not to benefit the other person.
I mean, it helps you move on and with the other person, but it is for your mental and
physical health.
That is what forgiveness is.
I hear you.
Well, let's recap it.
Disengage, step away.
Think before you speak to make the rational response, not reaction that will stay calm
so that you can calm yourself and find the emotion that you want so you can let it move
through.
I don't do that.
I can listen with empathy to the other person because nine times out of 10 in a moment of
rage and an argument, you're just thinking of the next thing to say.
You're not actually listening to somebody.
Yes, I know that.
Yeah.
You're saying it and I'm already thinking of the next thing I want to say.
But you can also see it in somebody's face.
You're like, wow, you're not even listening to me.
You are just wanting to say the next sentence.
And when you're in the moment of that, you can't listen.
You do not have the ability.
So you have to step back and do all these steps so that you can come back with like,
okay.
And the way to do that from what we read is that when you go back to be able to listen,
repeat what the person just said to you so that they can go, yeah.
And now you got the approval of you are listening to me so that you can make the next sentence.
And that's how it should be back and forth.
Not that you constantly have to just repeat each other, but that's how you know you're
listening and that you're in the moment so that you can fully understand what the other
person is trying to say.
Right.
Because sometimes it's not just about communication and comprehension are two different things.
Communication and comprehension are two different things.
Yes.
I'm comprehending this right now.
Right.
And I feel like we're communicating well.
Not of approval.
That is what I said.
Not of approval.
And then if it calls for this, suggest a compromise.
If there's a compromise to be made, which is how relationships go, right?
Life is about compromise.
It's not about being fair.
It's about compromise.
I know.
But you're able to live in a team at home with your husband with compromise.
Sure.
But when I'm talking about life in general, I just, it's just ingrained in my head as
a kid, like I wanted everything to be fair.
What you got, I got what I got, you got and I just never.
And that doesn't, maybe that's a hindrance.
Maybe like you don't have to teach your kids that way.
That it's okay.
Right.
Like, oh, it's so hard for them.
I didn't get birthday presents on your birthday.
Right.
And my kids are having a hard time with that right now.
Just being like, Melody got that.
That's not fair.
I said, well, she did this, this and this.
She paid for it herself.
Like that.
And that was just recently on the cruise.
And Louis was like, but that's not fair.
And it, I was like, oh, I know, I know.
You started that birthday present thing and I never understood it.
Well, because I don't know why I did that.
Yeah.
Well, we, they're, my kids are two years apart.
So it was a little harder.
We were three years apart and we were more evolved at, I don't know.
I can't explain it.
I can't justify it.
It's something that we do.
It's, but it's that fair.
It's that fair, you know, mentality that life is not fair.
Life is not fair.
There are, there are people's lives.
Like you better count your blessings because there are people's lives that are even less
fair than little random things we're talking about, right?
When you think of the bigger picture.
Yeah.
That bigger picture.
But life is not fair.
Like you're not meant to be 50-50 with every situation and every person.
You're meant to get the job over that person.
That person's meant to get the job over you.
Right.
So it's not up to you to out of your control.
It's that whole, what's the AA thing?
I can accept the things you cannot change.
And accept the things I cannot change and change the things I can or something.
I don't know.
Sorry.
We could have looked this up.
Yeah.
But you know what we're talking about.
There are things that are out of your control and sometimes it's not fair.
And then the whole purpose of I think that moment is that you can train yourself and
use the tools of how to make yourself work around that situation and not harbor.
Right.
And letting control go, I think.
Which I have a hard time doing and letting somebody else take control or just going with
the flow.
Go with the flow.
Save yourself from the undertow.
Go with it and then make some decisions once you're in a safe place.
And that is how I think life needs to go.
And sometimes the undertow is an unfair situation and sometimes the undertow is complete disrespect
and argumentative confrontation.
And sometimes the undertow is happiness and joy and you don't know how to deal with it
because you are not used to it.
You're used to chaos and that's where you don't remember things because joy and happiness
is not what's normal to you.
Yes and negative emotions are comfortable.
So sometimes the undertow is happiness and you find things that are wrong with things.
You sabotage situations.
I was going to say that sabotage.
You sabotage your own happiness.
Sabotage your own happiness with holding grudges and not being able to respond to situations.
You react.
And that passion and reactionary stuff is I think in the long run, not the life you
want.
No, you have to be self aware.
And I think what hurts me the most is when people are not self aware and they are the
center of the universe when in the universe there, we're all living here.
We're all doing our thing.
We're all humans.
We're all people.
Why are you trying to hurt somebody else?
Like aggressively trying to hurt somebody else.
I don't I don't understand that kind of being.
So I think everybody just needs to be more self aware that that there are other people
that in this world, the tallest order, though.
What it's a venti.
It's a venti.
Is that Starbucks?
It's a venti.
A expectation, I think is the heart of the heart of all of this expectation is just like
comparison.
I think it's the root of all evil.
If you expect something to go a certain way and it doesn't turn out that way.
How are you responding from there?
Nine times out of 10 is not well.
So expectation.
You're expecting the other person to be self aware and put that expert like get rid of
the expectation.
Turn the situation into an improvement instead of expecting.
Period.
Yes.
I think this was a good episode today.
Nobody asked me, but I'm just going to tell you because I sometimes you need to talk it
out with things that you're going through.
Just like one of the one of the tips was to talk through it.
And I'm not a, I don't need a yes man.
I don't need somebody to tell me I'm right.
A lot of the times Victoria says I'm looking at it the wrong way.
So sometimes you need that person to flip it and say, Hey, you, but look at it this way.
If you were in her shoes, if you were in his shoes, how would you feel like think of it
that and you're like, that's so annoying, but okay, let them.
I mean, there's really no other way to do it.
We've talked about the let them theory.
Let them because it's only affecting you.
If you don't, you're losing sleep over something that is not a you issue.
It's not a you issue.
It's time for a real tip.
Sweet.
Get yourself a little box, a wooden box, a plastic box, whatever, go to home goods.
Get yourself a decorative box that you can put in a space in your house, whether it's
just for you or if you have a family, kids can be involved in this too.
This box is only for your problems and your worries.
I saw this once.
And then you fill that box or maybe next to that box, there are little pieces of paper
and a pen.
And when you have a problem or something that you can't let go of, right, you write it down,
you put it in that box.
Now it's out of your hands.
It's in the box.
Yeah.
It's like a mystery, something you're anxious about, something that you are focused that
could happen, could not happen.
Like right anxious, write it down, put in the box, walk away.
I love that idea.
And I think that's really good for kids too.
Yeah.
I mean, I feel like I feel like kids are way better at letting things go than adults are.
Right.
Because they don't forget.
But they don't forget.
Like Louis, some kids don't forget.
Louis doesn't forget anything.
So I think that would be a good one for him.
You know, to be like, OK, this is over now.
And you as the parent could be like, go write it down, put it in the box.
Or let me help you write it down.
Right.
You put it in the box.
I like that one a lot.
And put the action of putting it in the box.
It is now out of your hand.
Quite literally out of your hand.
And now for your real extra tip of the week.
Extra tip of the week.
I like it.
It's called Let's Conversate.
What does let's conversate mean?
It means, oh, I haven't done that in a while.
It means if you're an overthinker like I am and you like to control situations and you
want to control how a conversation is going to go or how you think it might go or how
you want it to go and you lose sleep over it because your mind is racing and you cannot
or something happened and it didn't go the way you wanted it to.
And now you're replaying in your mind how it could have gone better.
Right.
Which is the worst because you can't control it now.
It's out of your control.
Yeah.
Like you said, write it down.
What I would have loved to have done a little while ago is write down the conversation how
I wanted it to go.
Oh, yeah.
Ball it up and throw it out.
So then it happened.
It might have happened in your mind.
It might have happened solely for you.
It didn't happen with the person that you wanted it to happen, but it happened.
It'll make you feel better just because you got it out of your body.
It got you out of your mind and then you don't have to overthink about it anymore.
Write down the conversation how you would have liked to have said whatever you wanted
to say to somebody.
Write it down.
Do you want to write it down?
I want to tell you that you don't even know.
You don't even know.
I love that you came up with this.
Oh, really?
I do.
Oh, really?
It's a trauma response therapy tool to write down conversations how you would truly like
them to go on your end of things and then light them on fire or throw them out, rip
them up, whatever you need to do.
Shut up.
I made that up.
It's that you didn't.
But I love that you came up with it because that's a good tool that you believe in.
Yeah.
Oh, I should have done it.
It's a tool.
It's an actual trauma response tool.
Guys, I made a tool.
Guys, I am a tool.
She's the Tim, the toolman, Taylor.
Okay.
That's who she is.
I'm Al Borland.
No, wait, I think I'm Al Borland.
Oh, wait, no, you're Al Borland.
Yeah.
You love a good flannel.
That is a really great extra tip, though, are letting it go.
It's out of your hands and you will see how much lighter that you feel.
So try it out with your next scuffle.
And see.
Scruffle.
Did you say smorgasbord?
Smorgasbord?
It's like an AI bot.
Smorgasbord.
Try it out for your next issue.
I'm going to do it after this conversation.
And with me, I'm just kidding.
Yeah, Karlie's going to try to actually implement some of this.
I will because I love a good conversation.
As always, we hope you remember that you were always fit.
Always be real and always allowed to be a little extra.
For legal reasons, we have to tell you that this podcast is meant for entertainment and
educational purposes only.
We are not healthcare professionals.
For all of your health, wellness, fitness and self-care needs, please refer to the medical
professional in your life, your primary care physician, your therapist, a certified coach,
whoever it may be.
And then let us know what they say because I guarantee we need to know what to.
Okay?
Okay, bye.