Welcome to Fit to Be Real and a little extra.
We're getting all the extra field goal points today.
All of them.
That was hard for me.
Field goal points?
Yeah, that was hard.
Because they don't think that's right.
I was trying to be sports.
We are breaking down the rules of the game of football.
The American football.
We're talking, you know, Taylor Swift type football.
Taylor Swift.
That's not a thing.
And Travis Kelsey football.
And we have a special guest for you.
Our brother is coming on to explain the rules of football for all you Swifties out there.
And for the dummies.
Like us.
I'm wearing my sports shirt.
It's my favorite shirt.
Victoria's ever gotten me.
It just says sports.
It's from a very, very fancy story called Steve Billo.
Again, it's French.
Yeah, she loves the French.
But anyway, we are going to be dissecting the game of football in case you already knew if you wanted to know, or if you're always sitting at the family party watching the game and are just clueless like us.
He's going to break it down.
We're about to change your lives.
And we're about to ruin our relationship with our brother.
Let's do it.
I'm Victoria.
Hey guys, I'm Carly.
Hey guys, it's Billy.
Why is yours higher than mine?
It's so much better.
Hey guys.
Because he's a real football fan, so he needs the scruff and gruff.
Billy, do you know what you're here to do today?
I'm here to teach all you people how to watch football.
Yes.
How to watch it or how to understand it?
Because I can watch it real good.
You know what?
After this, I have some questions for you, actually.
Do you think we'll make it through this?
Do you think our relationship will hold up?
No, you're the first to get the hell out of me.
You lived in the greatest sports city in the country for your whole life and you can't name me six players.
Oh, Donovan McNabb.
Donovan.
Is he Irish?
Donovan.
Well, as you know, Taylor Swift has really put football on the map.
Yeah.
No, football has put Taylor Swift on the map.
I don't know.
Her concert sales would beg to differ.
I think Travis Kelsey is like bomb right now.
Hey, what position does Travis Kelsey play?
Well, that's what we're going to talk about.
He has a tight end.
He does have a tight end.
Oh my God.
So does Jason Kelsey.
He's got a tight end.
He's got a little saggy, flabby.
Don't you talk about him that way.
So you disagree that that football is now on the map because of Taylor Swift?
I'm not going to go forward with this podcast if that's the deal.
All right, well, let's get right into it.
Victoria and I, I feel a little bad for you.
You did grow up in a family that was not sports.
Well, no, just the three of you are not sports.
The rest of the family was.
Do you feel like you missed out on life?
Yes.
Oh, stop it.
The first NFL game I went to was I was in grad school with Andy Brown.
It was a Eagles Steelers preseason game.
That was the first NFL game I ever went to.
Well, you know musicals.
Yeah, but I spent hours and hours learning the soundtrack to Pippin and
watching the damn Tony Awards.
And doesn't that make you the most well rounded person we know?
He stands on the sideline and he goes, but oh my God.
Well, we are going to preface this with Billy was a cheerleader and he cheered
for the Eagles.
Yeah, I did.
When was that?
When did you cheer for the Eagles?
I think it was the it was the N.S.T.
Championship game against the Buccaneers when Ronde Barber intercepted
McNabb, right back.
Cool. You just you just spoke a different language.
It was in the early 2000s.
Thank you.
In the early 2000s.
That when you learned.
I did it for three years.
You did it for three years.
I did for three seasons.
Yeah.
Wait, and you cheered right before and then they didn't go to the Super Bowl
that year, but they were almost going to go to the Super Bowl, right?
Yeah, we lost to I forget who we lost.
We didn't make it.
We lost to the N.S.T. Championship game.
My first year we lost to the Bucs one year and then they lost to Chicago
and Soldier Field the next year.
All I can remember going to Nova care complex and getting all my
credentials.
It was the NFC Championship game right before we got all the credentials
and everything for the Super Bowl for the flights.
Just to get everything ready.
And then they lost.
Yeah.
Well, let's talk about that.
Football, football, football, football.
How many players play?
Well, there's an offense on a team or on the field total on the field at one
time.
So there's 11 on each side.
Carly do simple math.
22.
Thank you, Victoria.
There you go.
And then go.
So there's 12 people on the field at one time.
So I understand that there's an offense and then a defense or sorry,
two people on the field.
Whoa.
Wait, okay.
So I understand there's offense and defense.
I am smart enough to know that I do not know what a safety team is.
What a safety team is.
I don't know what that is.
I mean, special teams, special teams, special teams.
I need you to move out of Philadelphia.
I still come visit it won't be on Sundays because Philadelphia watches the Eagles,
but I'll come over and watch anything else with you.
Please.
You're an embarrassment to the 610.
What's a special team?
God damn it.
Special teams is a group of individuals that do kickoff, kickoff return, punt
return and punt.
Also extra point.
That's a lot of responsibility.
Well, it's special.
It's all the special stuff.
All right.
Here's a couple.
I'm going to ask you all the questions that I wish I knew while I was watching the
game.
What is the difference?
You're not allowed to make fun of us.
Yes, I am.
Okay.
What's the difference between a quarterback and a tight end?
I feel like this is a joke.
I can't be a real question.
Yeah, no, no, it's serious.
A quarterback is the man who stands behind the center and receives the ball.
Okay.
And decides to throw the ball, run the ball or hand the ball off.
Okay.
A tight end is an offensive position, mainly a blocker.
However, they are also considered some sort of receiver.
Some risks.
Some tight ends are listed as blocking receivers or sorry, blocking tight ends.
Their main job is to block.
Okay.
Others like Travis Kelsey are horrible blockers, but they are great receivers
of Philadelphia, Philadelphia receiving tight end, very, very good.
But also very bad at blocking was the future Eagles Hall of Fame or probably
Zach Erps.
So.
Okay.
Some, some tight ends are very good at blocking and they're very integral in the
running game. Other receivers are horrible at blocking and are much better past catchers.
Okay.
So it's the lead role as the quarterback and the supporting lead is the, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, this is not, this is not a Broadway show.
There's no supporting leads.
Okay.
He's an offensive player.
This is what I meant before when I said safety teams and I meant special.
What is a safety?
Oh Christ.
A safety is when the offense is very close to the goal line when they're basically standing
in the goal line, the other teams go line.
Gotcha.
Oh, sorry.
They're, their teams goal line and the defense tackles the quarterback or it tackles anybody
in their end zone.
That is a two point play for the defense and they get the ball back.
So here's my other big question.
Why do sometimes they don't go for the touchdown and they do the three point field goal instead.
I like the grammar and that's how we shut up.
Because well, there's lots, lots of reasons.
One, cause it's four down and they're too far away from the first down marker to get
it and they're too deep in there too far away from the end zone to make it worth going for
two or start going for the first down.
The other is that they're way too far away and if the defense stops them and they get
the ball there, then it's a short field for them.
Other times it's they only need two points to win and it's the fourth quarter, three seconds
left.
A field go wins and they end the game.
Well, this brings me to my next question.
Explain.
Timeout.
Tell me your listeners, you understood a single word I just said.
No, I'm going to go back and listen to this whole thing again.
I need to make index card.
I need flashcards, but I, I want to know this is like a huge one.
I think everybody wants to know that doesn't know anything about football.
Explain the downs.
First down, second down, third down, fourth down.
What, what is it?
They get closer to the goal.
Yes, but what makes a down?
You, you play as the down.
You have four chances to go 10 yards, 10 yards or that's it.
Every time you go 10 yards, you, it's, it's, it's new down.
You get four new downs every time you go 10 yards.
If your defense stops you within 10 yards or the offense fails to convert,
convert a fourth down, whether they fumble, drop in complete pass, whatever,
then on fourth down, you have the option to go for it.
But if you get stopped, if you don't get the 10 yards and the defense gets the
ball right where the ball was stopped.
Gotcha.
So on fourth down, mo, if it's, if, if it's fourth and short nowadays,
the best couple of seasons offenses have been going for traditionally the
offense punts the ball to the defense to get them as far away from the end zone
as they possibly can.
Okay.
How do they know where the downs are when the yellow line is only on the TV
screen?
Oh my God.
That's a legit question.
They have, they have what's called the chain gang.
They have line officials that have two poles and a 10 yard chain between the
two of them.
And then they have a down official and these officials.
They have to follow the plays down the sideline and mark off each 10 yard
increment.
There is a down official that has this, I don't know what it is now.
It used to be a little orange arrow.
I think that's a pile on because they put a camera in it.
That the on field official spots the place of the ball.
And then the down official puts the marker, whether it be an, an orange arrow.
Again, I think it's now a pile on last night in the Giants game.
I think they had a pile on with a camera in it that marks the, the sideline
official spot of the ball.
You think Python?
Yep.
It's a python.
That whole time.
It is a Bermes, uh, reticulating Python 10 foot length.
I've wanted to sing that entire time he was talking.
That's the sound of a man working on a chain.
Yeah.
Oh, don't you know?
I don't know.
Anyway, um,
I'm legitimately embarrassed for the city.
I want all of the secret listeners to know that you would rather choose
a Renaissance fair dressing up like an elf than watching that happen
two years.
That's it.
It's happened multiple times.
It's happened multiple times where you have chosen.
You had your steaf it games over the Eagles game yesterday.
The Eagles game was on 12 different televisions.
And what was the score of the Eagles game?
30 a lot to not as much.
I do know.
Because I watched.
No, no, no, we went into over not over time.
But they got the point and then they had to do another play.
Uh huh.
And we won.
We got the three point conversion.
Yep.
The three point conversion.
Oh, no.
I thought you were going to tell me I was right.
She got really excited.
I did.
I like sat up.
So it was 30.
Yeah.
It's 4 to 31.
Correct.
You just looked it up.
No, she didn't.
I'm looking at her.
I really didn't.
She didn't.
It was 31 31 over time.
And then I had to make another three point conversion.
It's kind of like a three point shot basketball.
If you shoot the football far enough, you get three points.
So I was right.
We got the three point conversion.
Sure.
Carly.
Okay.
Jake Elliott kicked a field goal to win the game.
Yes.
I just remember that.
I was like, yes.
I was like, yeah, I'm just kidding.
I was like, okay, I'm just kidding.
That's just my first question.
This brings me to my next question.
What is a Hail Mary?
And then there's a prayer in the realm of Catholic tradition
that you say.
What is a Hail Mary to hope you win the game?
So let's, let's talk through this carly.
What is a Hail Mary?
It is a prayer.
Correct.
So now I want you to equate that to football.
What do you think a team would need to pray for?
Because they need to win.
Right, and do you think this is going to be an easy win or do you think it's going to
be like they need a prayer because it's really, really hard?
I like this description, by the way, because this I understand, they need a Hail Mary because
it's going to be really hard.
Right, they need the help of God, right?
So they need the help of God to win this game because it's so unlikely that they're
going to win.
They need to throw a very, they have one play.
They need a prayer, a Hail Mary to score to win the game.
Love, love the way you describe that.
And I appreciate that.
So now let's talk about this.
Would a five yard pass to win the game be a Hail Mary?
No, that's easy.
No, would a 10 yard pass be a Hail Mary?
No, that's like so easy.
Right, so we're, we're probably looking at like a 25 to 50 yard distance away from the
end zone for it to be, I wouldn't say 20, probably 30 plus yards for it to be a Hail
Mary.
Yeah, it would probably have to be in the line of scrimmage.
Yeah, in the line of scrimmage, again, the line of fire, it's war.
What's a line of scrimmage?
I thought I was going to use that correctly.
I even looked it up.
Line of scrimmage is the imaginary line on the field from sideline to sideline that the
ball sits on.
See, it's an imaginary line.
It's Broadway.
You have to believe that it's there.
Use your imagination.
All right, here's a big question.
Why are there so many coaches?
Like, how many coaches are there on a football team?
I mean, I don't know the answer to that.
You have a head coach.
You have one head coach for every team.
You have his assistant coaches.
Those coaches are offensive coordinator, defensive coordinator.
You have special teams coach.
Then you have position coaches.
You have cornerback coach, safety coach, linebacker coach, defensive line coach.
You have offensive line coach.
You have tight end coach.
You have quarterback coach.
You have running back coach.
You have wide receivers coach.
All of those coaches have assistants.
Then you have quality control coaches.
Then you have, good God, I think I said special teams coaches.
You have a punting coach, a kicking coach.
You have an analytics coach that goes over the numbers.
You have, you know.
So there's a lot that goes into this.
Oh my God.
Yes, Carly.
All right.
This is a multi-billion dollar industry.
Yes.
Well, one of my questions was why do they make so much money?
But I understand.
I understand they put their bodies through a lot.
What my last big question and something I've always wanted to know, what is unnecessary
roughness?
I'm going to hurt.
I'm going to unnecessary roughness to you right now.
What is it though?
Why is it unnecessary?
Well, let's talk about this, Carly.
What is something that is unnecessary?
This episode.
Oh my God.
This is very necessary.
No, this is necessary because now we can sit and chat on Sunday and watch the game and
I'll know what's going on.
If you talk to me, I'll wait.
We're going to text you the whole time.
No, we'll be with him.
Oh, okay.
So what is something that's unnecessary?
Something you don't need.
Right.
Something that probably didn't need to happen.
Right?
Yeah.
So football is a rough game.
What would something that would maybe be too rough for the game of football, something
that may cause a safety issue?
If like you grab their helmet off.
Correct.
Or maybe if you hit them after the whistle or if you blindsided them, like you hit them
in the back and they didn't see it coming or you, I mean, there's a lot of unnecessary
roughness calls to the quarterback these days, but something that is not a, that was not
towards the action of the play.
So let's say if you're on one end zone and someone runs over or sorry, one sideline and
then somebody, someone crushes a guy on the other sideline that wasn't looking.
Right?
So they were away from the play.
It's called an off ball play.
Or something after the whistle or punches or, you know, a helmet to helmet.
Well, that's a different play helmet to helmet, but something that, that, that that isn't
a football play or wasn't near where the ball was.
Okay.
That makes sense.
And it causes a safety concern for the player.
I could do some unnecessary roughness with some tight ends.
Okay.
I hate both of you.
Oh my God.
I hate both of you right now.
I'm hanging up.
Don't hang up yet.
I have a legitimate question that is the same question I ask every single time I watch football.
Why?
Why for the love of God, why do they run into a clump of giant men and not run around them
to go for the goal?
Why?
Like, like, why do they run between the tackles?
They literally run into a group of men.
It's like the quarterback, the leading player, throws the ball and then whoever catches it
just runs straight into the clump of everyone, like, growling and hitting each other.
Why not go around?
I never understand that.
Are you talking about a pass or a run?
A run, I think.
Well, Victoria just said pass.
Yeah, yeah, pass.
I don't know.
Like, when you pass the ball and literally the guy catches it and he runs into a clump
of bigger men.
I don't know how else to say it.
I mean, I'm really confused.
I mean, they don't try.
A wide receiver normally tries to get yak yards, right?
So they're trying to, like, run around other defenders.
Some bigger players, if they're about to, if a smaller player is going to tackle them,
like, let's take, for instance, AJ Brown.
Carly, do you know who AJ Brown is?
I do.
Okay.
So he's a very large human being.
Yeah.
He has the ability to run over people.
So sometimes it's easier and more effective to just run through a cornerback or DB or
safety than it would be to try and juke because juke sometimes takes time.
Other defensive players can get to him.
Maybe he only needs one yard for a touchdown or first down.
So he will just run through the soul of another player.
But if we're talking about rushing where the quarterback hands off the ball, every play
has a specific hole on the line that they're supposed to run through.
And the offensive line, other running backs tight ends are, are, have jobs to have specific
blocking schemes.
And so there's supposed to be a hole open in the offensive line for that running back
to run through.
Sometimes it doesn't work that well and the defense plugs the hole and tackles the quarterback
or running back.
The plumbing issue.
I know.
You're very good at explaining.
And I'm confused as to why you haven't done this earlier with us and why you do.
Because you don't care.
I do care.
I would.
Yes, I do care.
I'm wearing my sports shirt.
I would love.
Oh my God.
Stop it.
I would love to sit there and know what I'm looking at.
No, you would rather host a party and serve drinks and make food and drink wine in the
kitchen.
You don't give a damn about the Eagles.
Well, we would if we knew what was going on and why the little man kicks the ball.
And you know what?
We're going to play a little game.
It's called You Watch Your Frisology.
Oh my gosh.
I'm going to hate.
Yes.
You're so well versed in both sports and musical theater that I have found terms that are either
football related.
Stop.
Broadway related or both.
And you need to tell us if it's football, theater or both.
Are you ready?
You're full of Merid.
Victoria, tell everybody.
Where does French for shit?
Shit.
All right.
Let's play.
You watch your Frisology.
Is this rapid fire?
Just say football, theater or both line men.
Both blocking.
Very good.
Fourth wall.
Broadway.
Sits probe.
That is not football.
Sounds like something that happens at a guest party.
A sits probe.
Good day.
Thrust.
I'm not answering this question.
What is it Billy?
I mean, thrust is a term.
Broadway or football?
Broadway.
Okay.
Rush.
Football.
Both.
What in Broadway is called a rush?
And it's they're called rush tickets there when advanced ticket sales are sold out.
You should have said rush tickets.
Oh, shut up.
Rush, you're wrong.
It's Broadway.
It's you're wrong.
No, no, you're wrong.
You don't own me.
I don't work for you.
You're wrong.
Oh, I do.
Okay.
Open ended run.
That's Broadway.
Play.
F.
I hate.
Both.
Downstage.
But Broadway, Carly.
Fullback.
They're not even using football anymore really.
But football.
Both.
You are.
What's fullback in Broadway?
It is when you turn your face away from the audience.
It is called a fullback.
I mean, like when you turn fully backwards, shut up.
That's so dumb.
We're close to the end.
You shut up.
You shut up when you're talking to me.
What's front forward called?
When you turn forward, shut up.
I'm going to cut both of you.
Playbooks.
Oh my God.
Both.
You're so right.
Line of scrimmage.
No, wait.
Technically it's not.
Technically it's called a play bill.
I'm awesome.
You suck.
Line of shut up.
Line of scrimmage.
Next question.
I'm not going to answer that question.
Football.
Stunt.
Cheerleading.
Actually both.
What's a stunt in?
I know what the stunt in football is.
What's the stunt in Broadway?
Come on, Billy.
Like a stunt.
Like you want it to be a stunt man.
Like stunts.
That's the best.
That is so.
Did you make the supper?
You stunt in a sentence.
Don't stun my growth.
You stun in a sentence in Broadway.
I do stunts on Broadway.
No, that's not true.
Okay.
Next one.
Sack.
Oh my God.
No football.
No.
Uh, false start.
Football.
Kickoff.
Football.
Kickline.
If you could see my face right now.
If you could see my face.
We're almost there.
What's kickline?
Broadway.
Okay.
Snap count.
Brawler football.
It's football but it could also be from West Side Story.
How many times do you snap in West Side Story?
Snap count.
I'm hanging up.
Snap count.
I'm hanging up.
This is the dumbest game ever.
Instant replay.
But also chorus line when they say, now do it again.
Turning away from the mirror.
That's an instant replay.
That is not true.
That's not true.
So you made this shit up.
Okay.
Like you just made this up.
Two more.
Face mask.
I feel like you're going to say both.
Yep, correct.
Both.
What is a face mask on Broadway?
When you wear a mask on your face.
Have you never seen Phantom of the Opera?
I am hanging up.
That's technically a half a mask.
Last one.
A pup list.
What?
A PUP list.
Physically unable to perform list football.
Physically unable to perform.
It's both.
I'm going to say bye.
Bye.
It's not both.
Billy, guess what?
What?
You won.
But I feel like I've lost.
You may have lost some minutes of your life,
but you have won this game.
You know just as much about Broadway as you do about football.
You are the most well rounded person.
The time I just spent with you has physically made me dumb.
Who's your favorite T-fit sister?
Andrew.
Well, Billy, you have opened our minds to a whole new world.
A whole new world.
I was just going to say.
See?
So you're going to be home for the Eagles this upcoming game.
Yes, I will sit right next to you.
I have a question.
What?
Who were the Eagles playing this week?
Hey, Siri.
Stop it.
Who are the Eagles playing this week?
You're not allowed to do that.
I don't know.
That was last week.
Siri.
God darn it.
I don't know.
The Rams.
I knew that because mom asked the guy in the doctor's waiting room,
are you an Eagles fan?
Where are they playing this week?
He said LA.
LA Rams.
Put it all together.
I listen.
I love that you were at the doctor's with mom.
That's what I took from that story.
Why are you at the doctor's with mom?
Because you wanted to go with me.
I don't know.
We wanted to talk football stats.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Why do you still go to the doctor with your mom?
That's a different podcast and a different problem in my life.
No, I want you to tell everyone on this podcast why you go to the doctor with your mother.
It's been such a great time talking to you as always.
You've been such a darling.
A darling?
In your next Hail Mary, we hope you pray to Taylor Swift for all the good things she's
brought to the ball and your life right now.
Hey, what is the name of the Rams leading wide receiver?
Oh my God.
He's the number one rider she really fell right now.
It's not Brady.
He retired.
His name is Puka Nakua.
Yep, definitely would not have gotten that one.
Yep, Puka Nakua.
Well.
Alrighty.
We lost.
We're sorry about your life and how you had to go through your whole childhood without,
you know, not that sorry because you took your aggression out and tying us up with your karate
belts to the banister.
So it's a boom.
My transition from Tony awards to the Super Bowl has been epic.
Yeah.
You went from Tony awards to cheering at the Eagles games to being the biggest sports
fan of that.
I know.
I don't know a bigger Eagles fan in my life.
Yeah.
No, we need to practice that.
I do love sports.
I will watch sports, but I do not love all sports.
I my I am 99.999% all Eagles all day.
Pickleball is not your thing.
Oh, I love pickleball.
Pickleball is the bee's knees.
Yeah, pickleball.
The bee's knees.
Yeah.
It's been such a joy, Billy.
Thank you for your football knowledge.
We all will watch the games a little bit.
We'll be able to do that.
You know, easier and we'll be louder and we're going to sit right next to you
so that we can show you how much we've learned.
Oh, I'd like got canceled.
Yeah.
That's a shame.
All right.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Bye.
Hi guys, it's Billy.
Bye.
See you.
Bye.
Listen, it you come to a point where it's just like my time has passed.
It's over for me, but it's not true.
Well, mom learned football late in life because she wanted to be able to watch
the games with Billy.
Yeah.
And so she understands football.
My problem, according to Billy, not according to Billy, right?
My problem is being with mom, like standing at the doctor's office
and she'll go up to a guy and be like, do you like the Eagles?
Oh my God.
And like literally this happened yesterday.
We were at the doctors and she goes, oh, are you do you like the Eagles?
He's like a little bit.
And so she started like doing some sports jargon and like he's talking back to her,
but it's just like not the place or time, but she knows what she's talking about.
So you can learn.
We can learn.
We can do this.
Do you like the Eagles?
I love green.
I especially love the Kelly Green.
Yeah.
Bring it back.
I have a cute apparel and I want to wear it and actually know what I'm talking about.
Let's do it.
I'm less apparel and more like dip.
I love a good chip and dip.
Oh wait, I think that's what they call apparel.
Oh no, that's drip.
They call a cool outfit.
What's your drip?
Stop it.
That's your drip.
Yeah, like fresh drip.
That they're called fits.
Not dip.
What do we know?
We don't even know cool slang.
I don't think we know anything.
You go to a party to eat the drip in your new.
No, you go to a party to eat the dip in your new drip.
Football.
Well, we really hope this helped all of you watch a Sunday game a little bit safer.
Mentally prepared.
And we really hope that you get into the game past the salsa and chips and your drip, but
definitely get into your drip.
Don't drip the salsa onto your drip clothes.
It's very complicated.
I mean, I think it's more complicated than the actual game.
Clearly, if this episode alone has taught you nothing else other than the fact that you
just have to keep it real because clearly we still don't know what's going on.
So remember, you're always fit to be real and you are always allowed to be a little
extra.
For legal reasons, we have to tell you that this podcast is meant for entertainment and
educational purposes only.
We are not healthcare professionals for all of your health, wellness, fitness and self
care needs.
Please refer to the medical professional in your life.
You can be a primary care physician, your therapist, a certified coach, whoever it may
be.
And then let us know what they say because I guarantee we need to know what to do.
Okay?
Bye.