Welcome to Fit to Be Real and a little extra.
Oh, it's gonna be really extra today.
Yes, it is.
We are, oh, very good.
Thank you.
We are talking relationships and how you, to find one.
Yes.
And I wanted to name it relationship, station ship.
But Victoria nicks that.
Because there's no explanation for how that makes sense
to anything.
It rhymes.
Like, are you stationary in your relationship?
I actually am.
This is true.
So all right, that kind of work.
Let's get into it.
Yeah.
I'm Victoria.
Hey guys, I'm Carly.
Nice.
Did you like that?
I went like up and then down.
Like, I wonder if you did this first amendment, Andrew,
that it would pan out well.
I feel like you're really lucky.
That order was different.
So just to clarify, we are talking relationships
and we are going to dive into how Carly snagged Andrew.
But it is also kind of how dating works in 2023
and how different it is than even 20 years ago,
10 years ago, five years ago, I feel like.
Yeah.
Victoria is going to probably school me in all things.
Swiping.
Swiper.
No, swiping.
That's all I think of.
That's all I wanted to say.
We can stop the episode now.
That's really all I wanted to say.
Because she was the expert on it and I tried to learn.
I tried to.
Because I never.
You're horrible at it.
I know.
I didn't know how to do it.
I never did it.
I never did the swiping or I never did the online.
So I went about it as person to person
and there are rules that I did not know.
They're not like real rules.
They are just like understood.
Well, when you see a person with a bird on his shoulder
and his head and his other shoulder, like, no, Carly,
I don't want to go on a date with that person.
Don't swipe yes to that.
But why?
You don't know because you're going to murder me.
Oh, that's why.
Duh.
So we'll get into that.
Carly was my catfish for a little bit
and quickly that ended.
Well, because yeah, we will talk about that.
She just thinks everyone's nice and lovely.
Yeah, the problem.
So let's start here.
Let's get behind the scenes of why you have no idea really
the gravity of all the apps and all the things.
I like how you put that.
Why you have no idea what we're talking about today.
Listen, be happy, be grateful, be thankful.
You have no idea what's going on in this swiping world of 2023.
When did you meet Andrew?
You were 19, but what year was it?
It was 2005.
OK, some of these apps started it like the brand new.
Like OK Cupid 2005.
2000. That's when they started.
Came on the scene.
So like it wasn't even in your wheelhouse.
No, wheel. Yeah, it wasn't in my wheelhouse.
I had a Nokia phone that only played snake.
Yeah. And texted.
So like I wouldn't have even been able to swipe.
Well, they weren't apps.
Oh, that's right.
It was a computer.
It was like emailing.
It was an online website, but it wasn't like an application.
That's right. That's right.
That's right. So you would have, but you know, not on Nokia.
I met Andrew in 2005 in the Poconos doing theater.
We were doing, I said this before, my mom hired him.
My mom's the director, our mom, and she directed at a theater every summer.
Auditions were in New York.
Andrew happened to audition for her.
He got hired and that's how we met.
We, it was like summer house slash, what is it called?
What? Not road rules.
The real world. The real world.
If there had been cameras, we all lived in a house that was three stories, 16 bedrooms.
There were 30 of us and we all lived there from May to September, but not glamorous.
No, it was like an old house that like didn't work, but there were 16 bedrooms
and three bathrooms for all these people.
Some of the cast were the mice in the walls.
There was a snake one. There was a snake one.
But we loved it because we were working at a theater together and then we were living together.
So you sort of.
You what like gung-ho two feet in because you were living together.
Yeah, that's what I mean. It's very different.
It was, it wasn't normal.
What do you get catapulted?
That's not even the right word, but like because we were living and working
together from the day that we met within two weeks, we were dating.
And it was like a full on relationship because it had been two weeks of 24 seven.
Yes, which there were no other jobs to leave each other to.
There was no other house to go to.
Life was morning, noon, night every single day together and then for months.
Yeah. So then after the Shawnee because she's talking about a Shawnee,
Pocono Mountain.
After that, you where were you?
You were 19.
So I took a semester off of college because I realized I didn't want to go back
to Temple University in Philadelphia.
So I took a semester off and Andrew lived in New York.
So I on my days off from working at I was a waitress while I was trying to figure
out where I wanted to go to school.
I would go visit Andrew three days a week in New York and I would take class
and audition in New York.
So then I stayed with Andrew because I was visiting him.
We were still together as a semi long distance.
Yeah.
I went from all to almost nothing.
Yeah.
And then I decided to go back to college in New York and I got my own
apartment and Andrew and I lived in New York together.
I wonder why you went to college in New York.
I always wanted I knew I was going to move to New York.
No.
I just moved there when I was 19 instead of, you know, when I graduated at 22.
Which is probably for the best.
Yeah.
So I've been I had been living in New York since I was 19.
So we were together.
Yeah.
And we lived together and my mom was not.
I don't ever remember her giving us a hard time about it because she was like,
you're safe with Andrew in New York.
Fine.
Great.
Right.
I want you to be together living together.
Did she know Andrew?
I'm just kidding.
I was the one taking care of everybody.
No.
But yeah.
So we had been together.
We've been together since 2005, since I was newly 19.
And so I I mean, yes, he broke up with me a few times.
He's older than I am.
But you never dated.
But I never dated.
He was my first.
Besides Pat.
Patrick Joyce, who you heard in the travel episode, he and I had a tumultuous
relationship.
We dated.
Yeah, toxic.
We use the word toxic because we love Britney Spears.
But that was the problem.
We both love Britney Spears equally.
And their lives are a problem.
But we didn't have a real relationship.
We dated.
And then, you know, he was like, hey, I like guys too.
And I was like, I knew we had so much in common.
And so then it went downhill from there.
But but you never were like on a blind date.
You never met anybody you've never met before.
No, I went from Pat to Andrew to nothing.
Yeah.
You know, like never having to deal with it again.
No.
So fast forward to I don't even know when I first matched.com was the first time I ever
online dated.
I remember that.
And it was match was like one of the first.
And I only knew that match.com was a thing because our aunt Vicky did AOL.
It was I forget what it was even called.
I want to say it wasn't e-harmony.
No, no, no, no.
It was AOL dates.com or something like that.
I'll have to ask her and I should have actually done my research for that.
But it was an AOL dating email correspondence type of thing.
And she started the online dating thing in our world, in my world of like knowing
that you could meet people via a computer.
Yeah.
And she was in her fifties and she up family dinners.
I remember her bringing, you know, guys to family dinners.
And she was in her fifties and she was the first one that did the online dating and found
our Uncle Bruce.
Uncle Bruce.
Gosh, they got married when I was like a teenager.
Yeah, he's been around forever.
Yeah.
But she found him online through that site.
Yeah.
So then match.com was where I first started and it was a little more hip.
Like it was for younger.
Yeah.
It was a little more hip for.
I was in college, out of right out of college, I think.
So I wasn't until I was like 21 when you graduate college.
Well, I also want to preface this with it is very hard to meet people in our career
choice.
Musical theater majors.
Usually they're I'm this is a general statement, but it's a true statement.
There are not a lot of straight guys.
Yeah.
It's a majority gay or queer folk.
Right.
It is an anomaly that I found a guy that likes football and Broadway.
Like honest to God.
It's true.
Our dad.
That's that's our dad who loves is a diehard Eagles fan, but also loves Broadway.
And I never thought that I would find that they're out there.
It's just very few and far between.
So meeting somebody in college was not easy.
I didn't date.
Yeah.
I didn't date.
So when I had graduated where all of my friends were gay or female, I got on match.com.
And it was like so fun because you would write it was basically like pen pals.
Yeah.
You would write full conversations of like answering questions in paragraph form.
And you really thought about what you were going to say.
And you got excited when somebody would send you just as long an email, basically just
emails back.
And I went on a bunch of dates and I've had many boyfriends through at the time, match.com.
And then things got wild.
Wait, why?
Because then it was apps.
Apps changed.
Yeah.
And we're going to talk through 20 of them because there are 20 that are the best for
and I'm sure that there are way more.
I took it from Women's Health that there are the top 20 for 2023.
And it's so individualized, targeted for who you are looking for type of thing.
Back then it was like match.com, eHarmony, Christian Mingle, OKCupid.
OKCupid was 2004.
Yeah.
What wasn't there like I know Tinder and Grindr were like, you know, the risque ones.
Let's get into it.
OK.
Yeah, definitely.
Let's get into it.
So.
So the top sites 2023 according to Forbes, which is suspect because like who runs Forbes
and probably a bunch of old white gentlemen.
Yes.
And so that doesn't mean they wrote this article, but it's based on monthly membership,
communication features and then the matching algorithms.
That's how they based like their, I don't know, how they got the top four sites.
OKCupid is the first.
Really?
Found it in 2004 because it's free.
Oh, so.
So it doesn't mean that it's great.
It's just free.
The most memberships because it's free.
Exactly.
So if you're looking up like best sites to 2023 and want to get out there, be very careful
of what website you're clicking on that tells you that OKCupid is the best one.
Yeah.
Because it's just going because you don't pay for it.
Right.
Then Christian Mingles because it's 34.99 a month.
That's expensive.
Yeah.
It's a lot to find people.
Oh my gosh.
But that is very faith based.
Like you have to be a Christian background and have a very strong foundation in some
sort of Christianity to want somebody of the same faith.
Right.
So that's not for everybody.
Then it's match.com and it went up to forty two ninety nine a month.
What was it?
I don't remember.
Nine ninety nine.
Oh my God, I think it was cheaper than that.
Yeah.
And I think you could pay by the year to make it cheaper.
Like you could just do like a yearly subscription or whatever.
But right now it's forty two ninety nine a month and it was founded in nineteen ninety
five. Oh my gosh.
I didn't know that.
But it has a very low customer review.
So like, yes, Forbes rated it number three.
But the consumer, the people that are using it, it's a very low rating.
They don't love it.
No.
I remember getting back on match maybe ten years after I had first gone on it
because I remember loving it so much.
And I was like, oh, this is different.
Why?
Just like how meeting people face to face old fashioned, like at a bar or an event
or whatever, nobody knows really how to talk to people.
Yeah.
Even in a very natural, innocent like, hey, oh, nice to meet you.
Like conversation wise.
So writing it out is even worse.
I remember you saying they can't make complete sentences.
I'm not meeting them.
Do not write the letter U for why are you?
Yeah. Why is that to time consuming for you and like use punctuation?
Yeah, I mean, you used to get so mad because it's so lazy.
It's lazy and it shows very like an uneducated way.
Like if you're not going to put effort into just typing something, why are you going to
put effort into a relationship?
Yeah, you're not going to.
Or at least that's what it comes across.
Yeah.
So that's not 100% like, you know, an accurate statement, but that's just how it seems to
me.
Like if you're not going to write out full sentences and like grammatically correct,
it's not worth it.
Yeah.
No, I agree.
Then the fourth one on Forbes is black people meet.
Stop. That is the fourth highest rated.
Yes.
And it's 1899 a month and it is very specific.
That is very specific.
So is Christian Mingle.
Okie Cupid and Madge are very broad like anybody, but black people meet is very specific
and Christian Mingle.
So they're basing it off of the monthly membership and how people communicate through them.
But that doesn't mean that people actually like them.
So the next one that I clicked on was women's health, which seems a little bit more targeted,
but I feel like that's who's really wanting to be on site.
Right.
So I went off of that and oh my gosh, they have a they have an app for everyone.
So these aren't basically ranked one to 20, meaning one's the best.
They're just out of these categories.
This is the best app.
Right.
For the category.
So best queer app is Lex, which I've never heard of, but Lex.
And then from that, there's a grinder for men.
Right.
And there's her for lesbians.
Lesbians.
OK.
But the best overall queer is Lex.
OK, I've never heard of it.
So my queer folk, get on it.
Oh my God, this blew my mind.
So hinge is another one that I knew hinge, which makes so much sense now that I've read this.
It's the best polyamorous app.
Oh, I would get contacted for basically a swinger situation.
90 percent of the time.
What?
And thought it was something I was putting out there.
Yeah, you're like, oh, God, what did my picture say about me?
All pineapples, everything.
Right.
Apparently, it's the best one for polyamorous situations.
However, it also ranked the best for quality conversation.
Oh.
So I don't really, I don't know.
That one's a perplexing one for me, but that makes so much sense.
Yeah.
People would be like, hey, this is my wife.
What's up?
And you're like, cool.
Best hookup is Grinder, Tinder, Tinder, Tinder.
Well, Grinder is yes, that's also a hookup app for gay men.
Right.
Tinder is for heterosexual and or gay.
Like it's for everybody, but it's the best for hookup.
I've never done Tinder.
Well, what you said to me was match was becoming like a Tinder.
They're all match.com.
They're all like that.
Yeah.
Think the thought of getting back on an app is actually like gives me the shakes.
Oh, I'll do it.
You won't because I won't let you.
Everybody she swipes the ass on looks like Andrew and I love my brother-in-law,
but like he's my brother-in-law.
So it's always like some Nicholas Cage lookalike.
Now you can't unsee it.
Yeah, look that up.
Best for women is Bumble.
Oh, and that is, well, that's obvious.
Well, for heterosexual, right?
No, no, Bumble.
Well, so when you sign up from what I remember,
it's been a few years since I've been on it,
but you can sign up and tell them what you're looking for.
Oh, OK.
So if you're looking for women, it'll only show you women.
If you're looking for men, it'll show you men.
If you're looking just for friends, stop, or business networking, it'll show you.
I don't really know what that's about.
That's too much.
That's too much for one app.
A lot of these have a lot of different things like that.
But when it comes to Bumble, the best for women is because I think even in those
other situations, except I don't know how this works with life,
or within a community.
Forget about actual stuff or just familiarity.
I love to meet
But my friend, my wife, who I love as a woman,
I think they're awesome.
The next lecture prompt I'm going to take is
when I go out to work or meet people.
Yeah, basically. And if I didn't say anything, then bye.
But that eliminates the reason why I like that is because it eliminates creepers
from contacting me first, then you're fielding all these like annoying things.
Yeah. Right. So that's why women tend to like that one.
Best paid app overall is eHarmony.
EHarmony. Yeah.
I signed up for eHarmony once and I think I was on it for one week.
And it was because, first of all, I took a week to fill out the information.
The questionnaire.
I think it's like a hundred question questionnaire.
Like every question you could possibly ask goes into it, which makes sense for the algorithms.
But it was a lot in my early 20s and I just thought that was like a lot.
And I remember it being very Christian targeted.
I every time I see a commercial, it's always a little bit older generation.
Yes. Slash.
Faith related. Yeah.
Well, that's interesting because the best mature app is match.
Really? That's what it says.
You said it was like going downhill.
Well, mature people of age do not necessarily mean mature emotionally.
That's true. Best single parent.
There's an app for this.
Stir. Stir.
Like they want to stir the pot.
Oh, God, I hope not.
I think they just want a nice foundation for their children.
But if you're a single parent out there, look up stir the pot.
Best for black people.
The app is BLK.
That's just what the app is called, which, yeah, it just said BLK.
Best for Latina or Latino people is.
I might be saying this wrong.
Don't come at me.
Chispa. Oh, C-H-I-S-P-A.
Best meet cute.
Meet cute. What's meet cute?
You never heard of a meet cute?
No, you just meet somebody and you look cute.
First of all, have you never seen the holiday?
Yeah, the holiday. Yes.
So, you know how Titanic girl?
Yeah. Kate Winslet.
King Kate Winslet.
She's done many things like murder, dirt or I know.
She meets the older gentleman who's like a he used to be a composer.
Yeah, to be in the movies.
They talk about meet cute.
And it's how the ingenue and the leading guy meet in every romantic movie.
No way. It's called a meet cute.
So, like, when you bump into someone at the bar and you bump into them
and now all of a sudden you're going to get married and everything is put
like that's your meet cute because it was the ingenue and the leading man.
Oh, my God, I'm going to bump into somebody and just be like, I met you.
Super cute.
I think that's called harassment.
So anyway, a meet cute and it's called happen, HAPPN.
And it's because it's based off of your location.
Oh, so it's like meeting somebody when you look cute in a specific.
I don't I don't necessarily think you have to look cute in any of these.
Then don't call it a meet.
Just look like you.
It's cute because it's it's a spark.
It's a connection.
I'm going to move on. Best all type.
OK, Cuban, all type, all type, all type.
So just like in general, which is shocking to me because I never had a good
experience on it. OK, Cuban, but best Muslim is salams.
So you're Muslim. There's an app for that.
Best Jewish J date.
You're Jewish. That makes sense.
And that's for that.
Best Christian is Christian mingle.
Yeah. Best outer circle.
Coffee meets bagel. What the heck is that?
I remember hearing about this and I had just moved out of New York
when this one came on the scene and it was I think I could be wrong,
but I'm pretty sure it was only in New York City.
Like this app was for New Yorkers.
Yeah. Now I think it's probably spanned a little bit wider,
but it's based off of your social media connections.
So you have to put in your social media information and then the algorithm
pulls the people that you know, but you don't know like friends you might know.
I even think it's like if I'm friends with you on social media,
I'm like, I'm not someone you're friends with.
That's what I mean.
That outer circle.
My inner circle.
Oh, outer circle.
Best kinks.
Oh, my God.
There's an app for that.
Field F-E-E-L-D.
Oh, my God.
It's basically for non monogamous relationships.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
But that's a good thing because if you believe in that and that's your thing,
then there's a specific app for other like minded people
that don't want a monogamous relationship to be able to connect.
To me, this is just so much like, you know, when there's just too much,
it's overwhelming.
I mean, yes. Thank you.
Welcome to my world for you to be like, oh, what?
Like it's hard.
I never said that.
I said, oh, let me do it.
The last one is best match interests and that's plenty of fish.
I've heard of plenty of fish.
Like, but is that basically you put in what you're interested in and try and
find people that are interested in the same thing?
The description was funny.
It was like, so if you want to share the blanket
on the couch, like if someone likes just watching movies on the couch.
Right. So you'd find what you're interested in, which is so interesting
because it's nice to have things that you're interested in with people,
but it's nice to have outside interests.
Yeah. So that's a lot.
So my thing with the dating apps is that I could be wrong.
Probably. Because you you probably are.
Because, you know, I remember things the way I like to remember them.
Perception is everything.
But Victoria used to go on these dates that I would pick for her and like she
would OK, she would never go on one of the dates that I picked for her.
If she was like, you know, I'm not swiping.
I don't know. And I would talk to people.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I would pick them.
She would end up corresponding with them.
I never corresponded with anybody.
I wasn't that deep into it.
Can you all imagine now that you know us, can you imagine?
But she would go on these dates and she would come back and she would say,
I knew in the first five minutes I wanted to leave.
Some of them, you know, walking up and that's so frustrating.
Like, you know, within five minutes, but you have to sit there and go through
the how many brothers, how many sisters, what do you do?
Like, how the heck did you get out of those?
You I mean, you don't you don't order the next drink.
I learned. So here's a dating tip for people who don't know this.
Don't do dinner.
Yeah, do not do dinner on our first date because then you're stuck doing dinner
on a first date.
And that could be an hour and a half plus maybe two hours that you have to
sit there and know that it's two hours.
You're not going to get back of just like a waste of time.
And maybe it's a nice conversation and nine times out of 10.
I mean, I can talk to a wall.
Yeah.
And make them feel like really good.
Good about themselves.
I've never I've never been rude to anybody, but I know that I will never see them again.
Yeah.
So you do a drink and when the waitress comes around and says, you want to do
another drink, you go, oh, no, I got to get up early tomorrow or oh,
does the other person feel that like no, that like, oh, she didn't order another
drink.
So I guess it didn't go well.
That I don't know because I've never been the other person.
Yeah.
Where the person's like to make the decision.
Yeah.
But if that were the case and I actually like them, but I really couldn't have
that other drink, then you correspond later that night.
You let them know that you're interested, set another date at the scene so that you
know that you're going to be done again.
Yeah. But if that's not happening, then it's like pat on the back, see later.
Well, the other problem I remember you having was you were like, I knew within
10 minutes that they didn't actually want a relationship.
Oh, 100 percent.
That's actually 99 percent of the time.
Yeah.
And that's what's the problem with things like match.com and eHarmony.
They say you want relationships and then you meet them and you're like, you don't
though.
I think that's just the world we live in.
Like, I don't think I want to blame all of the apps.
I want to blame the society that we have where if things are getting broken,
nobody fixes them.
They just get a new relationship.
Yeah.
So committing to one is that's not even a thought anymore.
Think of all the relationships that are like celebrating 50 years of marriage.
They're all older generation.
Yeah.
Because number one, they met younger, which is different.
But number two, you work through your issues and you work through the phases of
your relationship that you come up, you know, your paths go other ways.
And then you come back together and you work on it and you get better.
No relationship is perfect.
Even the ones that are together for 50 years, like they had their hard times,
but they worked on it.
They kept it hopefully.
And I'm talking about the good ones.
There are some that are absolutely meant to go their separate ways.
But this generation and this this collective that we have, it is not, I don't
know, hard working sort of.
The relationships are hard.
That's what I mean.
Like when it comes to relationships, like you bail when it gets hard.
Yeah.
So the commitment factor, finding people that are actually looking for like a
commitment.
Now, all the times that I was on apps were in my 20s.
Well, I was just going to say, I don't mean to cut you off, but I'm going to,
that you were saying guys your age in the 20s were not ready.
And but like, I also feel like guys in their 30s aren't either.
Yeah.
Well, now I know that because I'm in my 30s.
Yeah.
So I look in my in the 40s.
Yeah.
However, this is a general statement, but majority of men in their 40s.
If you're in your 40s, you probably have children.
Yeah.
You probably have a divorce situation, which is fine.
But like there's other factors that you have to take into account.
Or if you're single in your 40s, why?
Why?
Yeah.
Why?
And now I can't say that because I'm 34 and I'm now single again.
So it's similar.
You have to look at all you have to really think about a lot.
You have to think these days, you just have to think about a lot.
Yeah.
And I don't think at 19, I was thinking a lot and clearly Andrew wasn't thinking
at all because we stayed together.
But he was just like, yeah, yeah, sure.
You seem fun.
I'm going to break up with you a few times.
You're going to force me to get back together with you.
I mean, the fact that I planned my own engagement, that had something to do with it.
Here's the thing that I think of not often.
But I think I have thought of while I've been in relationships and especially
obviously relationships that didn't work out.
The majority of them didn't work out because the commitment factor was not there
or I got cheated on or, oh my gosh, let's not even get into some of the reasons.
I was going to say, let's open this canon words.
We could do a whole episode on the characters in my story.
OK.
But what I think of is that I remember and I can't remember which relationship I might.
You gave me this advice to.
Oh, you obviously what can you do?
You can relate it to your experience.
So your your experience is very hard to relate to how my life has gone.
I know that's the issue that we have.
Right.
No, but this is like a good thing, though, because you said not everyone is needs the push.
Like Andrew.
Yeah.
He wasn't that he wasn't ready.
He just needed the push.
He needed that extra like, hey, if you're interested in settling in,
you're interested in settling down and growing up like now is the time I'm here for you for that.
Some people it's pushing to the wrong person.
Like you can't push that person.
I said that.
I mean, I don't think it was this eloquent.
And I also don't think I'm speaking eloquently.
I was like, not everybody needs to be bullied into marriage, Victoria.
I actually think that's how it was.
I think that's how it was.
But your reasoning made so much sense because Andrew was just somebody who.
He's indecisive as a person.
Yeah.
So like to this day, that's that's my role in the relationship.
I'm the pusher.
I'm the challenger and he will rise to the occasion because he's like, just needs that
little like, you got this, it's fine.
And then, you know, and then it's fine.
But he makes his decisions from there.
Right.
But I'm not saying he doesn't make decisions on his own, but I'm the instigator.
Yeah.
In when it comes to big moments like that, I'm the one that's like, all right, it's time for this.
And he's like, yeah, that's great.
Yeah.
But he needs to be guided and pushed a little bit in those situations, but not everybody
needs it.
And if you push too hard or too much, that, that maybe not the right person for you.
I think that's, I think that's what, where that came from.
Cause I was probably like, but you did it to Andrew or you thought it, you know what
I mean?
Cause that's all I knew at the time.
Yeah.
And then the best advice that Billy ever gave me was when I remember calling him like crying.
And I think I remember the relationship that this was about where he was like, listen,
the whole goal is that you're on two different paths, but parallel and like simultaneous paths.
And then if they start to break off, the goal and the hope is that they come back and your
paths meet again.
But if they break off and you go in two different directions, like that happens for a reason
too.
Yeah.
So you just have to, you have to figure out if you're on the same path and then you have
to figure out if that path is also going in the same direction.
Is it going to meet at the top?
Yeah.
Cause we're going up a mountain.
Yeah.
And then it's over.
Yeah.
At the top.
It's me while you jump off downhill from there.
That's good advice.
That is good advice.
Man, Billy can be smart.
Everybody has baggage.
It's another piece of advice.
Everybody has baggage.
It's whether or not your baggage and their baggage can be carried at the same time.
Wait, hold on.
Let me think about that.
Okay.
So everybody has luggage.
Okay.
Hopefully they're both and Nicole, our HBIC, she coined this.
They're Louis Vuitton.
Louis Vuitton.
Okay.
All right.
Yep.
Hopefully if you're a Louis bag, you gotta find somebody else with a Louis bag.
Okay.
All right.
So your baggage has to like match and it has to be able to be carried at the same time.
One baggage can't overpower or overweigh the relationship.
Right.
So everybody has like little red flags, right?
You have a ton of them.
Everybody.
Listen, I've got like I'm Red Flag City.
But that's the thing though.
Everybody has them.
Yeah.
It's how many you're willing to work with.
Yeah.
Or it's the same way as the baggage.
If there's too many when to walk away.
And I think I've always had a problem with that.
I was just going to say, I think that's been your big thing is like sometimes there's way
too many red flags, but you're so devoted and loyal that you're willing to work through
110 red flags when we all know it's that's too many.
Yeah.
It's not worth it.
But like you're a diehard Victoria is like a go big and I'm never going home.
She's like, I'm going to work through this.
We're going to fix it.
She's a fixer and sometimes there's no fixing.
Yeah.
And the other person never meets her halfway.
They just never have.
Victoria is 120%.
And they'll give 50 and sometimes you're okay with that.
Not really okay with it, but you deal with it.
Well, it starts with 120 and it goes down to 50.
So it doesn't the reciprocity ends up stopping halfway.
Yeah.
That was a lot of math for me.
We started at the same level.
Okay.
And then my level stays where it is and their level gets lower and I start carrying the
relationship.
And then that's when I should get out faster than I usually do.
And then when you stay too long, it's so much harder to get out and then picking up the
pieces is even worse.
Yeah.
Cause that's for sure.
Yeah.
And that's what's cool about this date, these dating apps is yes, there are so many, it's
overwhelming, but if you can find your niche, then there's a big possibility you'll find
somebody that's very like you.
Well now they have them for everybody.
Yeah.
That's which was awesome.
It's shocking to me.
I really didn't know.
I haven't been, I haven't been on them in so long.
Here's another issue with apps though.
I'm always going to, I know I'm way more pessimistic when it comes to apps all the time.
I'm like, let's meet everybody.
And she's like, no, because she's never gone through it.
You've also never had a relationship where you met anybody on the app and then all of
a sudden they start reappearing on apps and people tell you that they're still on apps.
Right.
And then they're cross-apping.
Yeah.
And they're like, they're, it's always there.
Right.
And that's a problem too.
So that's where the commitment piece is coming to play, where you can say you're committed
off the bat, but then all of a sudden that moment of maybe friction or moment of this
is something that we have to put our effort and our work into keep, well, they can just
get their phone out.
Yeah.
That's horrible.
It's a brand new world.
That's horrible.
It's a brand new world.
And that's the norm.
So explain something to me.
Swiping left is good.
Swiping right is bad.
No.
I believe swiping left is goodbye.
Okay.
Swiping right is a keeper.
A keeper.
Yeah.
So I knew, I remember you used to get mad at me when I would swipe the wrong way and
you're like, they saw that.
Now they think I'm interested and I'm not interested.
And then they will contact her and I'd be like, well, you have to answer.
You can't unswipe.
Yeah.
No swiper, no unswiping.
I know.
And see, there's so many rules.
There are so many.
Well, yes and no.
Like if someone's putting in their interests that they like bars, drinking, bachelor parties.
Yeah.
Like, you know what type of person at 30 in their 30 plus years, you know what the type
of person is.
Yes.
But you would also be like, oh, they put a picture of their sister because they want
you to think they're a family person and a picture of their nephews.
But then, then he put a picture of him without a shirt on.
So like, no, sorry.
That'd be like, that's kind of a bro.
What is the problem?
It's a bro.
But he has at the same time, it's not fair for me to say that I can only go off of my
experiences.
That's why Victoria doesn't let me swipe because I've been, I hate, I'm jaded.
I've been through all of the situations and then even the ones where I met people naturally,
it's the same situation over and over again.
So I can tell through the pictures.
I can tell with the effort that they put in their quote unquote bio.
It's like so funny.
I mean, how people have to meet these days.
And it's, it's tough because I don't, it's, I don't think everybody is like that.
I don't think everyone's out to manipulate or lie or not be committed or, you know, all
the bad things.
Well, I just also think with social media, you know, we love social media.
It's just so easy to not be who you actually are.
Oh my God.
And when people ask, oh, what's your handle?
I'm like, no.
Oh yeah, you never let people follow you on Instagram that you date, that you go on a
date with.
Why do you need to be a part of that life of mine?
Absolutely not.
Not until I like, am I actually with you or whatever.
Victoria won't even let me have her Instagram handle.
Oh, because you're so annoying.
I know.
I just think you don't know.
No, I don't.
And that's, oh my gosh, every time Victoria would break up with somebody, I'd be like,
all right, let's get back out there.
She's like, no, you don't understand.
You don't know.
You'll never know.
And I'm like, well, teach me.
I can't.
You have to get divorced and start from scratch.
And then go on yourself and actually search.
You will never know.
I know.
I don't mean to say it as like a, trust me, I don't want this story.
But it's just fact.
You don't have to deal with it and just be so grateful.
And I think everybody out there that is dealing with it is nodding their head right now.
I'm going, oh my God, I know.
Well, have you dated gay guys?
No.
Yeah.
So you'll never know what that's like when they turn to you and say, Carly, and I'm like,
I don't even say it.
I already know.
Just go talk to my mom.
Okay.
That happened to me like three times.
It's true though.
So yeah, there's so many more stories where this comes from.
The amount of experiences that I've had in just the swiping category of dating and then
also the dating category of dating.
It's why I am the way that.
Oh my God, shut up.
It is not.
No, jaded why.
I approach it.
There's so many other reasons why you are the way you are.
I was talking about my preconceived notion of like getting online again, but thanks.
Our red flags don't match up.
Our baggage is too heavy on both ends.
I got some white flags up there.
So you surrendered.
I surrendered.
You have let go and surrendered.
Amazing.
Don't worry, my pants on inside out.
Oh man.
All right.
There she is.
Folks.
So your real tip for this episode is kind of twofold.
One is put yourself out there.
So even with your experiences that you have on your end of things, if you're in the dating
scene of 2023 and you're swiping and you're dealing with everything we talked about today,
just put yourself out there, decide that going on the date, even if you're not 100% on the
correspondence you've had with this person, just do it.
And then if you never have to see them again, then you never see them again, but put yourself
out there.
Don't let your experiences navigate the next decision that you make.
And then the second part of it is trust your gut because just to put yourself out there,
if it's an experience or a person that you're getting really bad vibes from, trust that.
Go with that instead of fear.
So they're two different feelings.
Fear of just not wanting to put yourself out there and deal with it is one thing.
And then fear of like, this could be really bad for my life or my situation.
Do not do that.
So trust your gut.
But it's a tricky life out there.
Good luck, ladies and gentlemen.
Good luck.
And now for your real extra tip of the week.
It's called, where my girls at from the front to back.
Is he feeling that?
What was the last part?
What does, where my girls at?
I'm just kidding.
I'm just not going to sing it again.
But one of the things that Victoria used to do when she would go on these dates was she
would give me a heads up of where she was going, who she was meeting, what time.
Just in case you never know, you're meeting somebody you've never met before.
You don't know what their intentions are.
900 times out of 100.
I don't know why I said those numbers.
That's a good, that's a good.
Nine times out of 10.
It was always fine.
But that one time that it's just like, not really feeling it.
You want to let somebody know where you are, who you're meeting, just to be safe.
We know we love a good murder podcast.
So don't be on the next one.
All right.
Yeah.
We definitely don't want to be listening about you next.
So where are my girls at?
If you have that Carly person where you let them know where you are, Carly would do this
other really cool fun thing to me and she would check in.
So if it was like an hour in or an hour and a half or two, she would text me and need
like a high sign that I was alive and safe because she does listen to too much crime.
So have a code word.
We had, I think we've talked about this before.
We had a code word.
Selena.
Selena was a girl.
Selena was, I'm all good.
Things are fine.
I'm still out, but I can't really type a lot to you.
So Selena.
And if it was, oh my God, I'm getting out of here or help me get out of here, give me
a phone call or something like that.
It was Yolanda.
Yolanda.
So if you don't know Selena's story, make sure S&Ps love her.
Yolanda was a no-go because you should always stay away from Yolandas.
Okay?
Yolanda killed Selena.
Yeah.
Spoiler alert.
It's horrible.
So we had that too with the check-in because again, you never know.
You just never know who's who in this crazy technological world that we live in.
So we hope you've enjoyed this relationship, station ship.
Yes, you said it.
I knew you'd say it.
Well, because we station shipped on this topic for a while.
Yeah, this was a good one.
I mean, we still have so much relationship, station ships to talk about, but we'll say
that for another one.
Meaning Carly thinks I have a lot more stories to tell you because she's gotten none.
And she's right.
We do.
Yeah.
So if anything, while you're making your profiles, while you're out there talking to people and
trying to let everybody know who you are, you are always fit to be real and always allowed
to be a little extra.
So fitting on your profile and in life.
Swipe left.
For legal reasons, we have to tell you that this podcast is meant for entertainment and
educational purposes only.
We are not healthcare professionals.
For all of your health, wellness, fitness and self-care needs, please refer to the medical
professional in your life, your primary care physician, your therapist, a certified coach,
whoever it may be.
And then let us know what they say because I guarantee we need to know it too.
Okay?
Okay, bye.