Hello, my beautiful, powerful CEOs of the world.
Welcome to the Startup Stories podcast where new female business owners are heard, held,
and served.
Relatable stories to keep you sane, grounded, and growing as you deliver your purpose and
grow your business.
Today I'm joined by Sandra Possing, a life coach who has completely allowed space to
explore herself so that she can show up in greater impact and authentic alignment in
order to live a life of creative choice, freedom, and empowerment.
I choose these words very specifically because her journey is extremely like ours.
I'm looking at her.
She's beautiful.
Faces symmetrical.
Like, look at her.
She's glowing.
She has this awesome energy.
But she had to overcome insecurities and she had to overcome doubts and self-limiting beliefs
as well as having accepted beliefs that the world imposed in order to really be free
as she is.
That's going to be what we talk about as an example of if I can do it, you can do it.
Let's get to it.
Welcome to the show, Sandra.
Feel free to edit, add, and elaborate on your introduction as you see fit.
Thank you so much for having me.
It's always really cool to hear yourself through someone else's interpretation and words and
perspective.
Thank you for that.
That was really cool.
It's a cool way to, it's like cool reflection.
Yeah.
Right.
We're mirrors to each other and we need that in order to further accept who we are and
what we're here to do.
It's affirmative and I'll say that with a disclaimer that you can take us into.
This isn't external circumstance dictating internal decision.
This is authentic living being reflected back and we remove those layers and we allow that
space for people to really see us in a way that we see ourselves, but that also reminds
us of that from someone else who doesn't carry all of the baggage that we've carried
about ourselves.
I think it's something that becomes more and more perceivable or noticeable the more that
we train ourselves to be more present.
I think when we're checked out and on autopilot and running around and doing all the things,
we don't pause and notice that the world is reflecting us back to ourselves.
We're more like just reacting and it's more like this is just the way it is.
This is just how I am.
Like victim mode, defensive, all that kind of stuff.
I think the more that we can cultivate a sense of awareness, self-awareness and presence,
the more we notice those little subtleties that you're speaking to, the like, wow, if
I can slow down enough and quiet the external noise enough, there's so much all around me
that everything can be my teacher.
Yeah.
I'm just saying a few minutes.
And we're pushing to strive towards something, but that slowing down allows us to see where
we're at now.
And that's an important piece of turning off that external noise like you say that this
isn't conditional when I have a million followers or I'm making $10,000 a month or whatever,
then I will.
What is true right now and what is your authentic self right now and dropping into that, allowing
that to guide you and then see it actually showing up?
Our conversation, so you guys haven't shared this, but Sandra has built a six-figure plus
business online, thriving.
We're startups.
We're still in the beginning stages of things.
We're having this conversation.
We're connected.
We see each other.
That is a benefit of her being a guide, being a lighthouse to where we're going, but that
doesn't mean that there isn't meaningful connection, appreciation of each other where
we are now.
100%.
And it's like we can't see anything when we're rushing at least.
I feel very strongly about that because it's been one of my biggest, like you could call
it one of my biggest life lessons that has, it's had to sort of like smack me across the
head with like many two by fours before I've really gotten anyone.
And the interesting thing is, because it felt to me, it's felt very paradoxical to slow
down because one of my most deeply ingrained limiting beliefs, and this is, I'm 43.
I just figured this out like a couple of years ago, was you're taking too long.
Like that's the voice I would hear in my head all the time, but it took me, you know, until
a couple of years ago where I was like, where is this, who was telling me that I'm taking
too long?
And then I realized like, wait a minute, this is showing up in, first thing, you know, I
notice it and like in business, right?
It's super easy to compare ourselves and you see all the shiny object syndrome, you see
all your mentors online and you're like, I want what she has, why am I taking so long?
I should have gotten there much faster, you know, and I'm like, I've been doing this 12
years, I should have been at this milestone 100 years ago.
And so all those things, it's easy around business, but I'm like, this shows up in relationships
that shows up in my personal development, in my leadership, in my health, in my yada,
yada, yada.
And then you would think that slowing down is like the last thing I would want to do
when I'm already beating myself up, taking too long into literally every area.
But what I had to realize once I finally wrap my head around it is like, because I've had
this very unconscious, like it didn't realize it was running the show.
But once I recognize like this limiting belief is that I'm taking too long, therefore I have
been rushing my entire life.
And I, you know, I can like psychoanalyze and go back and see a lot of where it comes from,
like my dad is very grounded, slow moving, methodical engineer man.
My mom is like, I was right with my mom.
I'm wired like my dad.
And being around my mom's like, you know, fun, fast, quick action taking energy, I think
I probably always felt a little bit like behind, you know, I would be.
And you're not in flying that way.
Right.
Around that.
Yeah.
So for the longest time I was like, oh, wow, okay, I've been rushing.
But when I rush, I that's, I'm pretty clumsy anyway.
And I'm like, when I rush, I'm more clumsy physically.
I miss things.
I get distracted.
I try to multitask and try to catch up from taking too long for everything.
So I'm like, wow, rushing.
It makes sense that I've been doing that, but it's literally the worst thing I could do
in every area.
And so finally I was like, I actually need to slow down in order to speed up.
And once I slow down, then I can like actually breathe with my full lung capacity.
I can take my monkey mind, which is all over the place and just be like, you can just focus
on one task.
You don't have to do all 27 tabs on your computer at the same time while juggling things and
really it was like, Oh, it was like this huge breath of sigh of relief.
And then as soon as I started slowing down, like I started being faster at stuff, which
is what I was trying to do the whole time.
And I was like, we're like, so like, what you so counterintuitive.
It is.
But I just, and then just like what that does for your nervous system, I think regardless
of kind of what our deal is, most of us could benefit from just regulating down, regulating
a little bit and just like giving ourselves time and space.
Yeah, to find out what's actually going on and what do we need in order to achieve what
we want because it's different for each of us.
So tell us what were some of those two by fours to the head and who were you before?
Like one of your quotes, if you will, is that you were people pleasing good girl to now
being this uncamed wild woman.
But I think it's really like being this really expressed certain woman of who Sandra actually
is when Sandra dictates that, when Sandra chooses that and leads herself with it.
Yeah, I would say so much of the kind of my inner work roller coaster that I've guided
myself through intentionally and unintentionally in my life has been that, like the struggle
between living from the outside in versus living from the inside out, you know, growing
up I like many kids, you know, just wanted to fit in was just trying to I was such a
people pleaser in I was less like trying to make everyone happy, although I was doing
that to my version of people pleasing was I just didn't want anyone.
I just didn't want to be annoying.
Like I didn't want to bother anyone.
I didn't want to inconvenience anyone.
I didn't want to slow anyone down, of course.
I, you know, I didn't want to be in the way.
Like I was that, you know, I not catch myself still doing it now or like someone, you know,
I'm walking towards a stranger on the sidewalk.
My instinct is I want to leap out of the way to let whoever go by because clearly they're
more important, you know, even in the kitchen at home with my husband, who's my biggest
supporter in the world, we're like, you know, if we're just moving around each other in
the kitchen and like he needs to go to an area, I will leave out of the way.
And I'm like, oh my gosh, it's under like you are allowed to be here.
You are allowed to be on the sidewalk.
You know, so it's like, it's those physiological instincts that are so deeply ingrained still.
And I, it's like, I have to be so aware and present in the moment to catch myself, to
do it.
And a lot of it is, you know, the people pleasing thing, it gets so related to self-worth because
when you believe that everyone else is better or more worthy and you're just trying to like
get out of the way, no wonder you play small, no wonder you hold back, no wonder you shrink
away, no wonder, you know, and then it's like slowly untangling that and not like, you know,
running it over with a dump truck, but like recognizing that these are all protector parts
of me.
These are parts that I developed as a kid to keep me safe and survive and whatever.
And I don't need them anymore.
So it's like lovingly releasing those parts kind of like teaching yourself to laugh about
them, I think.
Like people pleasing jokes are my jam now because I think like it is, once you start
to notice it and other people, A, it's really annoying and B, you're like, it's absurd, the
things that we do when we're view releasing.
And so letting that go and then instead of like, so that would be living from the outside
in where you're trying to like appease everyone else and defer and do all that.
And when you let that go, which is processed and then start to live from the inside out
where you're like, I matter and I'm allowed to take up space.
And what do I want?
And so many of my clients, like half the work we do is just them figuring out what they
even want because they've never given themselves permission to wonder because they're like
too busy doing what everybody else thinks they should be doing and caretaking and stuff.
And so then once you start to tap into your own desires, you're like, oh, there's like
a natural, you know, you can do all the affirmations and the shadow work and whatever in the world.
But when you connect with what you actually want, especially as a people pleaser, when
we've spent our whole lives trying to figure out what like, we're mind reading, right?
Like everyone who's in front of me, I'm trying to figure out what they want.
How can I deliver it?
So there's no room for my own desires.
But once I start to connect to my own desires, like, I think of our desires as not only a
compass, you know, like they will guide us if we actually learn to listen to them.
But it's also the source of a liveness.
And once we connect to that, it is like, it's intoxicating in the best way.
Like talk about like, if you're unmotivated, connect to your desires or connect to a Y or
something.
And like, if you're burnt out, tired, stressed, connect to your desires.
It could be passions, it could be, you know, whatever, just little things that light you
up.
I've had so many clients, I work with a lot of women who are like high achieving, professional,
they're parenting and their moms and they're like, go, go, go and trying to prove themselves
to everyone in the world, you know, they're doing nothing for themselves.
Like their self care is very sad, their boundaries are non existent.
Of course they're depleted and tired and resentful.
And we'll be like, you don't have to change your whole life.
Let's just find like one thing that you like, like a hobby that you've ignored for 10 years
or something, just anything.
And just like give yourself a tiny little taste of that here and there.
You know, about clients who like started painting again for the first time or like for something
they're kids or, you know, signed up for like a pole dancing class or just anything that
was like a little bit.
Your pleasure.
Your pleasure, right?
Your pleasure.
That's for the sake of the joy of doing it.
And then suddenly it's like they, if you've seen the movie Avatar where they have their
little like braid, hair braid things and they plug them into like the trees and stuff, it's
like that.
It's like, wait a minute, I can, I have an energy source that I plug into at any time
and it's like limitless.
Yes.
So that to me is like kind of the antidote to the people pleasing and the, all the like
playing small that comes from that.
Just the shoots are not motivating.
Impressing, they're like, we get contracted whereas when we listen to desires and that
kind of stuff, it's like, we kind of can't help but unleash this.
I really believe we all have this like wild woman inside of us.
And most of us have either not met her, we haven't seen her for a long time.
We haven't seen her for a long time because she's been tucked away, putting everybody
else ahead.
Yeah.
So, you know, we, I've seen this with older, like our moms, I'm 42, I'm right behind you,
same age, basically anyway, where they poured into their kids and their family and now the
kids in the family have moved on and they're left with themselves all over again and they
forget or never had time because maybe they started their family at age 20 to really step
into who they are.
And so it's like a little bit heartbreaking because I know what spark is in their heart
and know what wild woman is inside.
They have to come to that desire by remembering who they used to be, right, by letting that
space out again.
And like you said, it's not going to be necessarily the first thing you try but experimenting
into seeing and if you don't remember or you so-called don't know, friggin' pick something.
First color, anywhere.
Yeah.
I played hockey last year for the first time ever.
I did like four sessions.
It was a free program for moms.
I played hockey.
It was a little lit up a part of me that I like had no idea was in there.
It was fantastic.
Nothing gone back but didn't now have that connection, now know and that feeling of really
feeling alive, of feeling big.
And in that I can hold more and hold more.
That's how we build the capacity.
It's not by doing more by allowing space for us to be more of who we are.
And then that holds the strength for the other things.
That's where it's like it is such an energy source.
It's like when we're doing, doing, doing, giving, giving, giving and all the people
pleasing and the caretaking and all of that, it's like we're in a boat and there's holes
all over the boat.
Each hole represents one of your commitments or obligations or whatever and it's like you're
just constantly bailing water out of the boat.
You're exhausted and you constantly have this feeling like you're sinking.
When I work with clients, we're like, okay, we're going to plug one hole at a time.
At the point where at least you're not like flailing and you're a little stable and then
we find those energy sources, which to your point, like so different for all of us.
And you can look to other people for inspiration and ideas and stuff, but like, interestingly,
like three of my clients in the last couple of years ended up having the same one, which
was flower arranging.
I'm like, flower arranging was like the last thing on my radar for any reason.
And this one of them was like, the thing that I just really love is flower arranging.
I'm like, go do it, find it, whatever.
And like one of them started like a flower arranging business in her garage, bought a
van, like did a whole thing, like did it for a couple of years.
Another one started like a flower cart.
She lives up here in this area and like, you know, you put the cart out and then people
can like then mow or put money in a jar or whatever.
And then the other one was like doing just for personal passion, you know.
And then you hear other stories like this wasn't my client.
This is a colleague of mine who had a client who was, I want to say she was like in her
70s and she had been in, you know, this long marriage and she had very much lost herself
over the years, I think her husband and her like the intimacy was gone.
She was like more of, had it looking more libido than he did.
And like, so she just, you know, felt frustrated and satisfied for a long time.
And then I believe he, maybe he passed away or they split up or something.
And my friend was working with her and they discovered that she had this like real naughty
side and this kind of like Dom side that she just never expressed.
She ended up signing up to take classes to become a professional dominatrix.
She was 70.
And I was like, this is what I'm talking about.
You don't have to be some, you know, hot 20 year old.
Like you can be any age to find that inner wild woman or whatever you want to call her.
Like, you know, the kind of wild woman resonates for some of us, for somebody else, it's like
more witchy for somebody else.
It's just really sophisticated and like, so whatever version of you is more empowered
and like, when I think of the word empowered, one of my mentors, she uses the phrase like
does it cause power in your body?
And like, yes, like those are the things that empower you.
Does it make your body feel more powerful?
And the things that do the opposite that make you like, those are the disempowering ones.
And there's easy practices I found that don't even require me to leave the house like folding
laundry.
It's sometimes fun because I'm an organizer.
Like sometimes not fun.
So I have given myself permission because I'm a big girl to leave the laundry basket
for a couple of days until I feel like that's the kind of tidying I like to do.
I do love to tidy just not all the time, not necessarily at 10 o'clock on a Wednesday
when I'm tired from, you know, the weekly running around.
And that has been such a release in my people pleasing or in my trying to be like a stepford
wife type of situation because first of all, nobody's really noticing.
We have more clothes than we can shake a stick at.
And it's been a good practice of releasing from the to do and stepping into the being
and making myself a priority from something as mundane and small as folding laundry.
Other could be dishes or stalking the fridge.
You guys, my in-laws are here.
My fridge is empty.
I need to restock and my mother-in-law I love her so much.
She's like, what are we going to eat?
I'm like, I'll get groceries tomorrow outside.
There's food in the fridge.
We're fine.
It's okay, you know.
But just that spaciousness is so lovely.
And so these are just small little things that we can start to play with in the home.
Then you can move to bigger things or vice versa, whatever it's going to be.
Tell us what some of your desires are that you now allow yourself to express in that
you didn't before that were suppressed or just not prioritized.
One just one thing I'll mention before I go into desireville, which is one of my favorite
places in all the lands.
Just I just want to speak to the power of language too, because when you're talking
about like folding laundry and doing these things, make me think of like the way we talk
about the things that we do, even just the way we talk about them silently to ourselves
in our own heads is so powerful.
Like language is so powerful.
And when you constantly use words like should I should go to the gym, I should do the laundry.
I should should should like the big joke in our industry is like stop shitting all over
yourself.
I'm always like, haha, when I say that, then like usually a lot of people haven't heard
it before and they think it's like the thing in the world.
I'm like, it is funny.
But when we should something like I should do the laundry, I don't I literally can't
think of a single thing that I would want to do that, if I say I should blank, that
makes me want to do it.
If somebody tells me I should do something I'm such a rebel to or you tell myself I should
do something.
All I want to do is do the opposite and tell the person to f off and leave me alone and
don't tell me what to do.
And so I'm like, I really had to take that word and just like remove it from my vocabulary
entirely.
And I encourage my clients to do the same.
Because like, so there's the actual act of choosing between I should go do this versus
like I choose to go do this.
And like, you're like, I should do the laundry, but I'm going to choose not to, you know, I'm
coming from a place of like what's actually really important to laundry or like honoring
a desire.
I'm going to go to desire.
So like there's that choice.
And then there's also like choosing that like, let's say there's things like you actually
have to do like, I have to go pick up my kids from school, you know, or have to go to the
dentist.
Like these are things that like I do actually I've made a commitment I'm adulting like
I want to follow through my obligation, but as long as I frame it as a should, I'm going
to have this energy of resentment and like obligation is just like, I'm like, if I do
have to actually go do the thing, I can still choose to see it as a choice.
And I'm like, I choose to go pick up my kid.
And I'm going to choose to do it in a way that makes it more fun for me.
I'm going to turn on a playlist that I love.
I'm going to like scream at the top of my lungs to Beyonce on the way there, you know,
we're like, there's ways where we can reframe things just with our word choice.
And it's so simple and it seems so basic sometimes, but I'm like, but oh my God, it
makes a difference.
You know, anyway, that's just a rant on language.
In terms of my desires, I would say it's one of my favorite things is just getting more
clear on those desires because every time I do get clear and then I go do the thing,
I like it really is like a full I mean, I just get myself chills just even thinking
about the concept of it, you know, like perfect examples yesterday.
So I love to dance and by no means any sort of well trained professional dancer of how
do my moments, but like, I find that when I dance, it kind of doesn't matter what it
is, as long as I sort of like the music and I'm moving my body, I like it my whole full
beat, it's talking about a lightness, like I get energy coursing through my whole body
and it like, it just, I get that like, just, you know, the, you know, Latin root of the
word inspiration is like breathing in or whatever.
It's not feeling great.
It's like, yeah.
And so I love to dance, but I don't have my life set up in a way where I've like, have
a class that I go to where I do, you know, I love to go to EDM festivals and shows and
like head bang and just stay up all night.
That's one thing, but also four months pregnant right now.
So not doing that.
I'm like, does it edit nine?
But in the day of my 20s, I used to go partner dancing all the time and then Lindy hop and
blues dancing and vachata and stuff.
Now I'm like doing less of that, but I still crave it so much and I'll forget for like
weeks or months at a time.
And then it's like a little part of me is like, it's in the corner, just like, help,
we're drowning, you know, but I forget.
And then I'll remember and then I'll just go.
So sometimes I just go to Zumba because it's easy.
They're all, you know, all over the place.
Every single time I've gone to Zumba, it's basically all women and like from like their
60s to the 80s.
And like, I'll bless them.
They're adorable and amazing.
And they all know each other and they like go to lunch and stuff, but I'm like, fish
out of water.
They're like, I don't drink to a totally different age, but it's easy to follow and it scratches
the itch, you know, so I went yesterday and as soon as a salsa song or a bachata song
comes on, I like immediately start sobbing.
Yeah.
I'm like the pregnant like young lady in the back who is sobbing and like, and dancing.
They're like, what's happening over there?
You know, but it just because it moves me so much.
And every time I do that, I'm like, that's when I know I haven't been off enough.
But once I start going more frequently, I don't have such a huge reaction every time.
Yeah.
You know, that's something like that to me, even and then other things that are not like
a passion or a hobby, like, you know, I spend time with friends in different capacities and
stuff.
But what really lights me up is when I sit down, when I'm a crust from the person, having
coffee or whatever, if they ask me questions and then really listen, you know, like when
you're making small talk with friends in a group and like people are half distracted
and looking at their phones and whatever.
But if someone's like looking into my eyes and they can have really intense eye contact
and if somebody can actually hold mine and match it, I'm like, and then they listen and
then they ask follow up questions and then they try.
That's why I love podcasting so much because we're basically doing that the whole time.
You know, and then like big full body hugs.
I love so like little things like that.
They're not hard to get.
It's not like I have to go like hike up a mountain to, you know, I'm like, I just find
a friend to sit down and be like looking in the eye for two seconds.
But I forget, you know, and so I really have to be present and mindful and like go like
take what I want and get what I want and go create it.
Otherwise, I'm just like waiting around and like, I hope somebody gets me a big hug or
I hope something like love deep conversations, you know, where I hope a dance class just happens
to fall into my lap today.
We have to take initiative and do and when we're too big, parenting and working and do
other stuff like that falls off the list.
Yeah.
And when it's so cliche, it's like annoying, but you fill your cup, you're better all around
and it's easier to carry more when those desires have been given attention and when they've
been scratched, like you say.
And you know, what's so powerful about these examples you've shared is how easy they are
to do.
Yeah.
And I'm just going to quote, it was Selma Hayek in some dumb movie, the red door or
something and I'm sorry, like it was just, it was very easy movie for me.
But she said something so great, her character said, you can have excuses or results, but
not both.
Right.
And so what you're leaning into is the personal responsibility and accountability to yourselves
and external circumstances are not dictating or not in control.
Nice and point guys, I work full time, I have a five year old, I'm the primary caregiver,
even though we're in a relationship and everything, husband works somewhere else has to leave before,
gets home after.
So I'm getting her to and from school, I'm getting myself to and from work, I'm closing
up the house when we leave, all of these things, getting the garbage out, all of these things.
I was podcasting before waking up child.
I have shifted and shifted to open up my desires for schedule freedom.
That is I hate fricking having shit on the calendar, which is crazy because like how
do you live life?
But you can live it and flow that way.
What I've done now, taken responsibility like we were talking about before mornings are
open now, they're sacred time for me.
Things are open now for the most part to be present with family because when a kid's in
school, your time with them reduces and business things fall in when and where I want in spaciousness
and enjoy and I love showing up to perform because I'm not doing it from a resentment
or a should.
And this is and I want to just highlight, you know, the so-called busyness of what's
going on, yet the joy and the bigness of how I feel in that arena.
And I haven't quit my job and made a million dollars online.
I haven't like, you know, I'm still just living my normal life here, but which changed is me
and the choices I make and the way that I show up to do me while doing others.
And that's not meant to sound dirty, but it's kind of fun.
It's such a rad example because it really is a testament to how much power we have.
And you know, the kind of common thing is to look around and just be like, well, I don't
need we just we complain or we whine or we can't situation without even realizing it.
We're in this like, we're just in sort of like a collective victim mindset and it's
so normalized and you get together with your girlfriends and you drink wine and you talk
shit about everything you complain.
But you know, take, you know, and I think venting in conscious complaining has its place
to be very cathartic cathartic and bonding, but it's like, are we actually doing anything
to change the things we want to change in our lives?
And I think one of the reasons so many of us don't is because we think it's going to
be this huge thing like, oh, I'm unhappy in my situation, but like, what am I going to
do?
Like quit my job and my like, let my daughter raise herself in the woods.
Like what are we, you know, and so we come up with all these excuses and we do nothing
and we keep complaining.
Whereas like what I see in my clients over and over because so many of them are high
achieving, they're very busy.
They're like, they barely have time to think for themselves.
But then they start to realize like, oh, I can just make these tiny little shifts and
like what you've done with your schedule and creating more space.
Like if you have an intention or you have a goal or a desire around, yeah, more time,
freedom, or like, I just want to do slightly more self care for myself or I'm going to
feel slightly less stressed, you're like, cool.
So just make these little tiny, like I have my clients basically just take tiny baby steps
all the time because they're so, they get so paralyzed by the thought of change that's
going to be this big thing.
And I'm like, what is the, we're activated to perform the way that they've been performing
that got them to the status quo that they want to break.
Yeah.
I had a mentor one time who was like, she was really into like productivity and overwhelm
and that kind of stuff.
But she was like, when you get over, because so much of the time when we're procrastinating,
it's because we look at the volume of the thing in front of us and it's too intimidating.
So we're like, eh, that's like social media, eh, laundry, you know, but it's like, if
we break, or maybe there's just a lack of clarity, like we literally don't know what
the next step is.
So we do nothing.
But if it's the intimidation of the too big or too whatever of a thing, what if we break
it down into tiny, tiny, such a tiny, so this guy was like, break it down into the
tiniest action that has zero energetic charge.
Like, let's say someone is like, you know, I work full time in parenting, my desire is
to write a book.
They're like, when am I going to write a book?
I don't have time for that.
You know, but then it's like, okay, what's the first step?
Like, what do you know, I don't know, write an outline.
What's the first step before that?
Like, I don't know.
So it's like, open a Google doc and name it.
Pick a placeholder title or like, maybe you're trying to find an agent or something like
that.
And then you have to go to the first five agents you find online.
And then, you know, so it's like, can you write a list and can you write the number
one bullet point on a list or something like that?
Once you come down to an action item that doesn't scare you or make you cry or like
make you freak out.
And it's just like, what is one tiny little thing?
And then that creates a moment.
Yeah, opens and opens.
So take us through your transition because, you know, people pleasing, showing up for
others working corporate to feeling that call inside that wild woman saying, dude, it's
time.
Let's go.
What was that like for you?
And what started to help you shift your life to now living this, the life that you wanted,
that you yearned for previous?
Well, I mean, it would be, it would be a better story if it was like, and then one day, transition,
but it was like, this has been, this has been just a series of tiny shifts over time.
You know, I don't have this kind of story where like I worked in corporate out of nine
to five that I hated for 20 years and then I dramatically left one day and started a
business.
I kind of like fumbled around in my twenties and did a bunch of, I've never worked like
a corporate corporate job, which is funny because I support a lot of people who work
in corporate.
And I'm like, I literally don't even understand your world at all.
But I understand humans, you know, but it, so I like, I mean, work wise, I was kind of,
I was bartending, I was working in fitness, I worked for startups mostly.
So I was kind of in the like entrepreneur unconventional space.
And it took me a long time to find this, like, had I known that coaching was a job, I would
have started like in high school, you know, I probably would have gotten a master's in
applied positive psychology.
I'd known that was the thing I would have started so early and I would have been like
entrepreneur from day one, took me a long time to realize that coaching was a job once
I found it and I got trained and I became a coach took me a long time to realize that
that meant that I was also a business owner.
I was just like, yay, I'm a coach before I was a fitness trainer now I'm a coach.
And I was like, that means I have to, I have to like business sales marketing admin, what
you know, I was on the Donald work, I mean, that was a whole, I really think that entrepreneurship
is like one of the most intense personal development journeys you can ever go on, I'm guessing
the other one is parenting I can in about six months when I have more some people.
Not for everybody.
Like you too.
Yeah.
So I would say a lot, I mean, a lot of the personal development I've done and not like
the transition from people pleaser to self proclaimed wild women.
A lot of that was, I had to, I had to, because I, you know, I got to a place where I was
so like one of my favorite energies to work with in clients is once they're so sick of
their own BS, like they're like, I'm frustrated.
No, no, I'm exasperated.
No, I literally can't handle this anymore.
That I loves it.
And that's where I was when I was just like, what the actual like what I can't, this is
not how I want to live my life.
Like, I got so sick of that.
So I started doing whatever I could do to figure out how to change that, which kind of coincided
with me like figuring out my career and all that stuff too.
But then since then, it's just been this very intentional ongoing process.
A lot of self-awareness, a lot of practice, a lot of catching myself and being like this
like small weak behavior that I'm doing right now is so unattractive and it's not who I
want to be.
And I know what I'm capable of.
So it's like catching it, shifting it, catching it, shifting it.
And then the entrepreneurship just helps so much because it's like, and then supporting
others actually maybe supporting other people through the same journey is potentially one
of the biggest transformations for you too.
Yeah, because like I said before, when you, when you're a people pleaser and it's so deeply
ingrained, you barely notice it.
But once you're breaking out of it, then you start to notice it and other people more and
you see how disempowering it is.
And you want to grab the person and be like, stop doing that.
You're so amazing.
Stop hiding in the corner.
Yeah.
So seeing that and guiding other women through it, especially has been like, like watching
somebody else go through the transformation is like, I feel like I'm like, do I have the
best job in the world to get to witnesses?
So that helps a lot too.
Yeah, it ties the heart in an intrinsic way, right?
And it helps you fulfill a purpose.
But then you're not doing it for you.
You're benefiting, but they're benefiting.
And that's this reciprocal win that creates more joy, more desire to do more of it, more
willingness to show up better and better in order to help them break free from a lived
experience that you can completely relate to.
And that's when we show up in service of others.
It serves us because we want to get better and better.
And it's so motivating because it's like, we need it for the collective too.
I could do all this work for myself just because it feels good and it's selfishly motivated.
I'd be doing that all day long, gladly.
And when I help my clients, I'm so stoked to watch them become empowered and step into
their power and that kind of stuff.
But then I'm also like, this is literally what, in my opinion, what the world needs the
most right now.
Like what's the code?
I want to say it's like Howard Thurman or something that's like, the world needs people
who have come alive.
Like go do what makes you come alive because the world needs people like something like
that.
And my version of that is like, and the world specifically needs women who have like the
world needs big hearted, amazing women to go out and save the planet and save a lot
of the things I think that like is work that we are so well equipped to do, but we can't
do if we're hiding and playing small and putting everyone else first, you know, it's like,
it has to come from that more empowered place.
So it's like, yes, I'm doing it for me.
And yes, the clients are doing it for themselves, but really we're all doing it for the benefit
of the collective.
Uh oh, it looks like we are frozen.
At least on my end, I will just hang out for now.
Hello again.
I can't hear you, but I can see you.
Back.
I can't hear you.
Shut down.
Oops.
I mean, so energetic.
We broke the internet.
Oh, gee.
I'm just playing here with the passion and the collective.
Exactly.
Feeling that.
I'll just put this in here.
The collective healing, the role that we play, the ripple effect, right, and the responsibility
to get over ourselves in order to show up for everybody who one needs us and who we need
together to make this whole thing churn and really shift from the way that we've been
living into a healthier, more grounded, more loving, more open way of life.
And it's kind of like, it's a great response to anyone, especially women who were like,
oh, no, I don't, you know, it's like we're afraid of being so self-absorbed that we
would spend time on our own self-care or something like that.
And it's like, if it's really hard for you to carve out time for yourself because you
don't think it's important, think about it this way where it's actually your responsibility
to the world.
You know, if you want to be a better mom, partner, employee, employer, CEO, whatever,
the only way you can be the best version of yourself or my new favorite version of that
is your favorite version of yourself, not like the best or highest version.
What's your favorite?
At the present time, that's such empowering language.
Favorite version of yourself.
Again, move that pressure to change who you are now as part of who you were and who you're
becoming.
So it's all strung together, right?
And then there's not expectation or still that external circumstance pending.
I love that.
I think that one of my favorite things to work on with people is identity work because
it's like, once we start to realize how much our, you know, identity, you can think of
it as like your self-image or who you believe yourself to be.
Like I believe that that's one of the biggest factors and that's what's creating our reality.
Like if we think in terms of manifestation stuff and the, which I love, it's like, if
you're your identity and the frequency that you're putting out as a result of all that
is creating a reality in the moment and thus in the future too.
But most of us are identity.
What is our identity?
Like if you look to Dr. Joe Dispenza stuff, he talks about your personality creates your
personal reality and your personality is made up of your identity and your, who you believe
yourself to be and who do you believe yourself to be?
Most of us, it's our trauma, our programming, our conditioning.
It's all default.
It's like 95% of our subconscious minds.
Most of us, we have pretty like terrible thoughts about ourself.
We're very self-critical.
We're full of shame and whatever.
And it's like, I don't really want to create my reality from that place.
Nor do I want to impact the world around me from that place.
I would much rather, so like one, another thing Joe Dispenza talks about is like, create
your future or your present from your future instead of from your past.
Most of us are creating from our past by default, but instead of just repeating the same tired,
outdated, like old, unhelpful patterns, what if I think through the lens of my future self?
Like I love doing future self work with clients because it's like your future self is you.
It's your authentic self, but the aspirational version, like I love my future self.
She's one of my favorite people.
You know, I know exactly what she's like.
I know exactly who she is.
And when I'm playing small or just caught up in my own nonsense, I can channel her and
be like, what would she do?
What would she say?
Even when I even just thinking the word future self, I like draw my shoulders.
I straighten up, I slow down.
My voice goes down a little bit and I'm like, it's that version of me that is grounded,
confident, empowered, has like clarity of vision because I'm not caught up in all my
own likes, yeah, criticism.
And from that place, if we all spend more time as our future selves, we can show up
so much better in all of the roles and then we can take so much more responsibility for
playing our part in the collective and showing up as leaders and showing up in our power
versus just like all the victim stuff.
And the future self, like you said, it's who we are now.
We have to open up to make way for her to come.
So there's a part in Elizabeth Gilbert's book, Eat, Pray, Love, where she's devastated
on the floor in the bathroom and she feels her future self come.
And what you can create that connection through this visualization, journaling, you know,
meditation and getting to know her and allowing her.
You're creating her as she's coming back and creating you so they don't exist.
It's not like she's separate.
She's just in the future, but we can embody her now to help us strengthen and step up
from our status quo, right, that empowering state and that greater sense of responsibility,
which is a very divine, a very authentic and like longer vision way of living in the present.
And because what we're doing now influences the future.
So let's have a connection to the future to influence back that reverse engineering and
tying them together.
And you describe that really, really beautifully.
And that is a practice that I don't see talked about as much online, although I've been exposed
to it.
So I'm really glad you draw that out.
And maybe as we kind of start to wrap up, although I never want to end these things
because I'm so fired up and like the exchanges are so good.
But maybe you want to take us through a little, you know, visualization or example of what
your relationship with your future self looks like so that we can understand so that we
can start to kind of spiritually open to that intention and create a new yet another
new neural pathway to help guide us forward from here.
Yeah, I think usually what I'll have my clients do is they usually give them like a future
self exercise, which has a bunch of different questions and things.
And it's essentially an exercise in being able to describe and know and access this
version of yourself.
So it's helpful to get some clarity on a lot of things like there's, you know, the deeper
stuff like how does she think of herself?
Like what is her general mindset and attitude toward her life?
But I also love some of the like seemingly superficial stuff because it's easier to it's
like a shortcut.
You know, if I'm out in the world and I'm doing something and I'm feeling really like
mirror and small and something, it's harder for me in that moment to be like, okay, what
would my future self do?
How would she talk?
What are her beliefs again?
What are her core principles?
You know, like, whereas I'm like, how does she stand?
Yes.
So like body posture, facial expressions, and then even things like clothing, you know,
and not that you have to go out and buy an entirely new wardrobe that your future self
would wear.
But there's so many little things you can do.
Like for example, like I'm kind of like loads to do my hair most days because I'm just like,
oh, it's just blow drying, whatever.
But I find that when I do, I'm like 25% closer to the other because it's just so much more
simple.
For other people's maybe putting on a pair of earrings, for some people's putting on
lipstick, for some people's just wearing something that you actually like versus the, you know,
whatever default.
My husband and I, we have our quote unquote house fits, which is like my yoga pants from
Lulu Lemon that are like literally 15 years old, but they're really comfortable.
But it's like, so what can we do physically?
What can we do just in, I think even just vocally, like there's so much power in our
voices.
It drives me crazy, you know, with so many women who maybe just don't have any concept
of their vocal range and stuff.
But talk in this, and it's not about like having a high voice or a low voice, but it's
they talk in this range, which is really like breathy and unsupported.
Whenever I hear somebody on a podcast or just in real life and they're talking that way,
I want to like go up behind them and like squeeze their whole squeeze, their midline
together and be like, use your lungs.
Damn it.
You know what I'm like, just more resonance.
Like there's so much, you know, when somebody walks into a room and they just, they just
have like a presence.
The magnet.
They don't have to even say, yeah, it's a magnetism.
It's like a radiance.
And it's almost like you can feel the smolder and the crackle of the fire that's inside
of them.
And a lot of it is just what we almost like subconsciously perceive through their posture,
through their energy, through their aura, like all of those things.
I think that's the fastest way for me and often when I help clients is like, so have
a really clear vivid image of this version of you, know what she looks like from the
outside, but also know what she feels like from the inside.
And that's like, you know, access her into meditation, access her into visualization,
whatever works for you.
We're so different, differently wired that way.
But once you have a picture, then practice calling on her, you know, like you're standing
in line at the grocery store feeling bored and frustrated and whatever, be like, use
yourself.
Yes.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
And I've done that practice audience and it's very energetically shifting.
It feels amazing.
And all these things that Sandra has mentioned are doable.
Nobody can give me an excuse.
You don't need to have lipstick in order to, you know, embody.
You can just pretend if, because I'm removing excuses here from doing the work, because when
you do the work over, like you said, multiple years, myself, multiple years, then we start
to reap the rewards and we come closer and closer.
And ideally in our evolution, we're always becoming more of our future self.
She's not an end destination.
Our last breath is the end destination.
It really, really, really wants to reverse engineer you go to your deathbed.
We're all going to die.
What's the face on?
When you reverse engineer back to how do you want to feel in those moments, knowing how
you lived up until then?
And when you're practicing showing up as that version of yourself, there's all of that.
I think in the beginning, it's mostly about feeling the feeling of like, how do I feel
on the inside when I do that?
Wow, that's really empowering.
Wow, it feels so much better to stand tall and yada yada.
But then you can also start noticing what's the impact room, you know, like it's like
some people would call it the Marilyn Monroe effect.
Like the classic story is that she would walk down a busy street in New York City.
Nobody would notice her.
She would turn around same exact clothes or whatever, but she would put on what turn
it on that she would walk down the same street and everybody, every head would turn and people
would be like, Marilyn, you know, because she knew exactly how to turn on her magnetism.
Like it's a skill.
You don't have to be born with, you know, supermodel looks or anything.
Like it's a skill that we practice and it's mostly internal.
It's such a fun game.
Like, you know, walk around the grocery store, I keep coming to the grocery store, this example,
but I think, you know, relate to that.
Like the first half doing nothing and then the second turn it on, turn it on, just watch
the faces that people see if you like notice heads turning or people just like more people
make eye contact with you or more people kind of like want to be drawn to you or interact
with you.
It's a really fun game.
All right.
That's everybody's homework and then you're going to comment on the episode and you're
going to message Sandra and I and tell us what happened.
Back to you, Marilyn.
I mentioned the world.
So where do we follow you?
Do you have a freebie option?
You want to stay in your space and learn to grow and expand and make our ripple effect.
Yes.
So I'm very easy to find.
I'm the only one of me.
So everywhere, so under passing dot com at all the social medias.
Come find me out.
Especially love to play on Instagram is my kind of happy place, but I'm on a lot of platforms.
Yeah, brilliant.
Thank you so much for sharing your heart and your wisdom and your authenticity with us.
It's such a powerful conversation made big changes through small moves.
Right.
That's, that's the relatability of it.
I love it.
I'm honored to have shared this time with you and I look forward to a continuing relationship
online in person.
We're not that far.
Thanks for having me.
Have a great day.
Thanks for having me.
I am going to pop up and unload some footage and brand it.