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Hello, hello, and welcome to the Feelings Pod with Sabrina Amina.

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I am your host, and this is a podcast where I talk about feelings and offer a brief mindfulness

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practice at the end of each episode.

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Thank you so much for joining me.

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Thank you for listening and tuning in.

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Today's feeling, today's episode is on panic.

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And generally the way that I feel called to talk about different emotions is through my

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own exploration of them and developing really just cultivating curiosity around emotions

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and in a moment in my life that feels particularly challenging, it's been helpful for me to examine

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these difficult emotions and process them through speaking.

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And it's my hope that in sharing this process with you, you can find something that you

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need here or something that you resonate with, something that hopefully offers you a bit

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of comfort.

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And one of my favorite lessons from Kristin Neff's work on self-compassion is recognizing

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that we're not alone in our human experiences.

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Yeah, I think that's really beautiful and it's a practice that has really helped me

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come home to myself.

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So within the past few several weeks, I've noticed panic come up and I actually experienced

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what I'm fairly certain was my first panic attack.

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And I've been going through a lot of big changes in my life and for the most part I'm

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very proud of how I've been able to carry myself through this moment of my life.

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And for the sake of survival and just getting through it, I think often we have to shut

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down some of what we're feeling just to kind of get through our day to day tasks.

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I'm an educator, I certainly can't teach an entire day of classes while I'm sobbing

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over my latest sorrow.

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So I have to kind of compartmentalize and put things aside.

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And I think when I'm out of my practice, when I'm out of my mindfulness practice, when

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I'm not showing up daily to breathe and be with myself, when I'm not showing up to give

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my human space, I think this is when we go off the rails.

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And in the midst of getting through it and trying to push through and survive and do

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the things I need to do to function every day and keep things going, my practices fell

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off.

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I wasn't journaling as regularly as I normally do.

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I wasn't practicing my mindful movement.

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I enjoy a yoga practice every day normally.

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When I'm feeling centered and grounded, and the irony is I feel centered and grounded when

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I'm in that practice.

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And so when I'm not feeling centered and grounded, coming back to the practice can be more challenging,

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but it's exactly the thing I need to help me come back to center.

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So yeah, and I was also a bit inconsistent with my breathing and my mindfulness practice,

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so things felt quite off-kilter.

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And I had to visit from my mom and I find my interactions with her particularly challenging.

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Of course, I love my mother, but those relationships can be complicated.

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And for whatever reason, I don't want to get into the nitty gritty details, but that interaction

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left me feeling very overwhelmed.

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And it wasn't just my interaction with my mother.

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I think that was kind of the tipping point for me.

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I think after a sustained period of just dealing with stressful situations, after stressful

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situations, like this interaction with my mom kind of was the straw that broke the camel's

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back, so to speak.

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And that evening, I just found myself kind of having heart palpitations.

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I was feeling this fear that I couldn't calm myself down.

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I was trying to tap into my breathing exercises and pretty much anything I was trying was

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felt like it wasn't really helping.

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And thankfully, I'm experiencing this for the first time during a time in my life where

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I've accumulated an arsenal of self-care tools that I can lean on.

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I can't imagine how scary it must be to go through a panic attack and just feel confused

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and lost and not even know what to do.

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I would probably say that I didn't even notice how anxious I was in my life until I was in

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my late 20s.

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So it's funny how sometimes there are medical instances where people end up in the hospital

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and their body is giving them the signals of panic and stress, but yet the person doesn't

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cognitively recognize that they're under stress.

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And I say, well, I'm feeling fine because we're kind of in this practice of bypassing

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our stress and sorrow and discomfort.

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So thankfully, I had these tools to lean on, but nothing seemed to be working.

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So I started calling my people, which is also a strategy of mine is to connect with people

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who I consider co-regulators.

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I called my therapist and I called...

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Well, the most important thing was I called my therapist who was very helpful and kind

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of...I was still kind of in a panic mode, but I just felt safer and I knew that I was going

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to be okay.

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And then this was probably, I guess, probably over a month ago.

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And I've just been noticing like nothing as extreme as that, but definitely feeling like

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that panicky, impending doom, heavy feeling.

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And lately I've been doing a better job of turning towards it rather than trying to squash

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it or escape it or run away from it.

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And sure enough, that is the most helpful strategy for dealing with panic and fear.

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And I just...I just...I want to be clear that I don't offer this as any kind of advice

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or it's simply a reflection and a share of my experience and I imagine I'm not alone

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in this experience and perhaps you hear or see or feel something familiar in hearing

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this.

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So I suppose the most important takeaway I've had is just getting really, really curious

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about what the panic in my body is communicating to me.

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And every time, I think it's a little different, but for the most part, it's my body asking

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for rest and attention and care.

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And again, I am not in a moment of panic at this particular moment.

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I'm feeling quite settled and grounded, which is why I feel I can talk a little bit more

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about my experience with panic because I tend to feel tremendous amount of shame and hide

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in moments of difficulty.

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And I...because the last several weeks have been so challenging for me, I, you know, haven't

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been sharing as much because it feels like I'm not able to when I'm so removed from my

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center, from my practices, because when we're in a state of fear or a state of panic, we

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kind of...it's sometimes hard to remember all the things that we know that help us.

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We're just kind of out of touch with those things, it seems, or at least I sometimes

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feel out of touch, or like, I'll get into moments where I feel even more ashamed because

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cognitively, like in my brain, like I know so many things about how to take care of myself.

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And in those moments, it almost feels like my knowledge is useless because it hasn't

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been turned into wisdom.

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So what is wisdom really is our ability to take knowledge and put it into practice and

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integrate it into our daily lives, actually live into the things that we know.

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So something I will certainly admit that has been helpful for me is I think in another

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episode I talked a little bit about my experience with medications and depression.

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I had several years ago, just before COVID hit, I had a challenging experience with kind

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of a psychiatrist and feeling a little bit like a guinea pig with trying all sorts of

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medications.

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And I was like, after four months of being on, like, I think four or five different kinds

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of pharmaceuticals, I was feeling worse than ever and decided, well, this is not for me,

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this is not helpful.

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But now I think about four years later, I've come back to that consideration and I had

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a different conversation with a different healthcare provider.

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I told them about my previous experiences and I'm really happy that I was able to find

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a medication that has really been helpful for me over the past couple of days.

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I tend to feel kind of resistance to taking medications, but in this particular moment

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of my life and experiencing like a panic attack and just kind of feeling so far from my center,

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I felt like I needed some kind of a buoy, if you will, a life raft to kind of help carry

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me through this moment.

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And I'm so grateful that I've revisited that because in this moment, it feels like I've

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found something that has been really helpful and supportive for me and it was really kind

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of an easy process, so drastically different than what I went through about four years

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ago.

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So let's just get into our practice today.

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I think I'm feeling complete with what I wish to share about panic.

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So if you are able to find a comfortable seat or lie down, if you're not able to practice

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at the moment, you can certainly pause this episode and come back to it when you're ready.

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And then just start tuning into the breath, start noticing it without changing it.

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There's just an awareness of something, sometimes simply turning your attention to something

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causes slight changes, but know that you don't have to force anything at the moment.

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Just follow the inhale and the exhale.

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Notice what it feels like as your body breathes in air.

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Notice what parts of your body feel, the sensation of air leaving the body, of the breath leaving

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the body.

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And from here you can start to deepen the breath and extend your inhale for a count

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and exhale for five, one, two, three, four, five and pause.

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And inhale this time at your own pace, find a count that feels comfortable for you.

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Inhale, pause at the top and exhale, pausing at the bottom of the breath.

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Now be silent as you take three more breaths, full deep breaths, counting your inhale, pausing

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at the top and counting your exhale, extending it a bit longer than your inhale and pausing

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at the bottom of the breath.

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Bothowej demonstrates.

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And when you're ready, come back to the ground.

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Come back to the room.

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Notice the colors around you.

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Let your eyes settle on something in your surroundings.

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That gives you a sense of ease.

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Thank you so much for practicing with me today.

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I hope you have a wonderful day.