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Hello and welcome to the Feelings Pod. My name is Sabrina Amina. I'm your host.

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We talk about feelings here and we end with a brief mindfulness practice. So

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thank you for joining me. Thank you for listening. Today's topic is on guilt and

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I've mentioned this in previous episodes. As we move through the winter months, I'm

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recording the emotions that kind of come up and I feel moved to speak about

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during this time. I am going through a particularly difficult season of life,

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not just because it's winter, just... Well, it's... it's... that's just simply where I'm

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at right now. So as a little project is kind of... I think it's actually a

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way of helping me move through some of these things and hopefully through

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sharing my experiences and reflections on these emotions, you'll feel something.

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Maybe you'll feel less alone or more connected or seen or validated or

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infuriated. So guilt is something that I feel like has been plaguing me my whole

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life because I feel like in my family, my upbringing, not just my immediate family

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but probably going back generations because this stuff, it kind of gets

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passed down. I feel like I'm guilting, shaming and blaming was kind of a way of

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keeping control of other people, certainly keeping control of children and

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making them... keeping them in check and giving these warnings or...

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I'm trying to think of kind of a specific instance but I think it was so... it was

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such like a normal operating procedure that it's hard to really pinpoint. Now

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as an adult and after being... having been through years of therapy, I recognize it.

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I recognize when somebody is trying to get an outcome, a specific outcome for me

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using guilt or blame or shame and I have far better boundaries now. But you know

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when you're a kid growing up and you're... you know, your caretakers don't allow

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you to do something or forbid you from doing something because it will shame

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the family or cause them emotional harm or damage in some way, you start to feel

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like your actions are inextricably linked to everyone around you and to some

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extent that's true but carrying the responsibility and the worry of how

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everything you do and say, every decision you make and worrying that you're going

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to hurt someone in some way is very... that's a heavy burden to carry. And I've

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learned thankfully and I try to teach this to my daughter because I see it in

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her as well. I see her wanting to take responsibility for other people's

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feelings. So what I've learned is I have to take full responsibility of my own

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feelings. You know, if an interaction with another human brings up a feeling of

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guilt in me, is the person actually trying to guilt me or is that my own kind

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of conditioning? Is that my own kind of old beliefs like that are so ingrained

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that are kind of hard to unlearn unless you kind of are really looking at them.

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Yeah, I'm wondering if any of this makes sense because I'm also trying to make

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sense of it. But as an adult, a place where guilt comes up so much for me

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because I'm an educator and I teach and I show up for young people every day and

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I lead classes and I teach and is you know when I'm sick or when I need to

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take a day away from school, away from my students, away from my teaching, away

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from the classroom. Oh my goodness, the guilt that I kind of go through the back

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and forth of like, do I really need this? Is this something I can just push

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through and yeah, I can always push through some and I think all of us have

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the you know to some degree it can always kind of push through and do what we

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need to do. I think that's part of living this life that we do. But also

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taking a look at what are my needs, what do I need here and is really

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doing something to take care of my own needs. Does that warrant this tremendous

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feeling of guilt, of calling in sick to work, right? And I know this

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is kind of a shared experience. I know I'm not the only person who works and

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kind of struggles with taking days off. But it's also interesting, I've read, I

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think I read a post or something the other day that I think an American was

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talking about her experience with a job in the Netherlands. She got a job in the

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Netherlands and she was asking about well how many sick days do I get? And

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she kind of got a funny look and they were like well as many as you need. If

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you're sick, you just got to take care of yourself. So imagine that. Like imagine

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just like not having the pressure to go through the mental gymnastics of being

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like am I really that sick? Do I actually need to call out of work today? And

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just having the safety and comfort of knowing yeah it's okay for me to

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take care of myself when I'm sick. Of course it is. Like why wouldn't it be? So

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I'm getting better at just the guilt comes up all the time. But I think I'm

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better at just recognizing it and giving myself some compassion and

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tenderness and saying it's okay for you to take care of yourself today. It's okay

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for you to rest. It's okay for you to take a break. It's okay for you to show up.

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Just for you today. Guilt is is tricky. It's it's been very tricky for me.

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Yeah so another way that guilt kind of comes up in my day-to-day life is

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sometimes my daughter will say well when you get mad at me it makes me really

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sad. And I love that she shares I love that she shares that with me. I love that

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she kind of says you know you making you're making me you're making me sad.

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So I guess I just try to so what I do is I try to explain to her well yeah mom

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gets mad sometimes and that's okay and it's okay for you to get sad sometimes.

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And then I say like I explain the reasons why I'm getting mad and just say

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you know just affirm you know my love for her and that I'm not getting angry to

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make her sad and I'm sorry for making her sad if you know I'm you know I don't

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know if it makes a lot of sense but I'm I'm glad that I'm having these

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conversations with my six-year-old to help her kind of make sense of her own

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feelings and I think it's helpful for me to recognize well we're all

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responsible for our emotional landscape and how we manage it how we manage it.

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And I think it's important for for us as adults to be able to model that for

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for younger younger folks and just having an awareness of when you're making

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decisions based on how other people are gonna feel or respond or react and I'd

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like to say I'm doing that less and less and that's certainly something I'm

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proud of I don't have I don't think I have any guilt about it because

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ultimately it comes from a place of love it comes from a place of love for

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myself and I find the more and more that I'm able to cultivate this love of

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self my my capacity to offer love for others grows you know and I'm I'm so

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much more honest when I'm able to say no you know and not take on

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responsibility for how somebody responds to my no yeah yeah I think that's I

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think that's that's all I got to say about guilt for for this moment just

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kind of a short little reflection it I will say it helps a lot for me to talk

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about it so I think it's a shared experience I I mean I know it's a shared

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experience I know I'm not the only one who feels feels guilt and of course not

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but I think we all navigated in different ways and I I think it's really

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powerful to look at these dark darker heavier more challenging emotions

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because wow when we when we're when we're able to do that it like diffuses it

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it really diffuses it so let's just get into our practice for today find a

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comfortable seat or you know if you can you can lie down make yourself as

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comfortable as possible in this moment and close the eyes if that's comfortable

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for you

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tune into your five senses and just notice your surroundings with your senses

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tune into the sense of sound any sounds in your immediate environment take a

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deep breath in

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let it go

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and perhaps notice the sounds just beyond the room that or space that you're

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in right now maybe it's outside the building

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notice how far your sense of sound reaches what's the farthest sound that

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you can hear right now take a deep breath in

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and let it go

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and if your eyes are closed and you're noticing your sense of sight what do you

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see in your mind's eye when the eyes are closed take a deep breath in and let it

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go

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bring your attention to your sense of touch notice the temperature in the room

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notice the texture of the clothes on your body notice the weight of gravity

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holding you in place in your seat

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notice the pressure on the parts of your body that's that that are being

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supported by the cushion or chair or bed

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notice how your feet are feeling your legs

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your hips your belly

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notice the chest and the heart space notice the shoulders and the neck notice

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the muscles in your face I let them soften take a deep breath in and let it

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go

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and bringing your attention and awareness to your sense of taste and your

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taste buds in your mouth

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you might not be eating or drinking anything at the moment but imagine your

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favorite food

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imagine the smell of it imagine the taste of it imagine the texture of it

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and you put it into your mouth

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you can see the texture of it

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you can see the texture of it

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you can see the texture of it

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notice if tuning into your sense of taste brings your awareness to your hunger or if

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you're feeling satiated

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maybe you've eaten something recently that you can still taste

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take a deep breath in

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let it go

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notice the sense of smell

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maybe you don't really smell much in your space right now

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notice

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maybe there's a pleasant smell

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or maybe there's a smell that's not so great

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just observe all of it

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just notice

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take a deep breath in

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let it go

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when you're ready

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as you allow your eyes to flutter open and the light to come back

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let your gaze fall on something in the room that makes you smile

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thanks for showing up for yourself today I hope you have a beautiful day