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Hello, hello, my name is Sabrina Amina and this is the feelings pod. It is a

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podcast where I share a bit about our feeling, my feelings, and talk about how

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to navigate emotions with mindfulness. I am an educator as well as a holistic

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health coach and Reiki Healer, Reiki Master. And I am on a healing path and I

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just really love talking about feelings. So thank you for tuning in, thank you for

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listening. And at the end of every episode I share a mindfulness practice

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because I am also trained as a yoga instructor and mindfulness coach. So

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today's episode is about navigating conflict with mindful communication. And

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you know the feelings that come up when we're in conflict can be really intense

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and the subsequent conversations that happen when we're activated and you

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know angry and just in a fiery place don't tend to lead to connection. So if

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our intention, if the intention in our conversations is to nurture connection

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then we need a better approach. Well I definitely needed a better approach when

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when handling conflict. In the past I was I can still be really reactive when

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I'm in a difficult you know interaction but really the tools of mindfulness and

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learning nonviolent communication skills have really helped me tremendously. It

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helps me not only feel more confident in communicating what my needs are and

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validating how I'm feeling, articulating my pain points but also when you're able

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to approach conflict with with the tools of nonviolent communication

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there's a better chance of you know coming together. The hope is maybe in

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some way resolving conflict or you know working through challenge. Maybe a

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conflict can't be completely resolved but perhaps things can soften in the

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relationship. Perhaps there can be more of an understanding and I find that being

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able to name something really that's a common phrase I hear is name it to tame

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it like when being able to name an intense emotion or any emotion really

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it's like gives it space. It gives it space to breathe and it allows you it

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allows emotions to really move through you like speaking your experience you

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know is can can be profoundly cathartic and I don't I I mean I don't know about

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you but definitely in my experience if I'm feeling tense or anxious or really

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nervous I can just say to the person I'm with and just say I just want to say

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I'm feeling really anxious I'm feeling really nervous and and just by saying

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that it allows me to soften a little bit like so I'm I'm really passionate about

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mindfulness I'm super passionate about like like learning and improving my

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communication skills all the time and you know so it makes sense to me that you

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know the topic of mindful communication would just be a place that really is is

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I've spent a lot of time and effort learning about this and I want to take

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this I want to use this episode to teach a little bit about what I know so and at

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the end I will share my usual mindfulness practice as well as an upcoming

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workshop I have if you're interested in going into more depth about nonviolent

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communication so Marshall Rosenberg is credited with this four step process of

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nonviolent communication and to begin very simply the first step is to

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objectively state what happened so not you were such a jerk to me but rather

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you hung up the phone before I was finished speaking okay clearly there's a

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big difference between those two statements one is objective and the

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other one is subjective the other one is the first one the first statement is a

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judgment and the second one is naming concretely the events as you as as you've

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seen them so step two is naming how the event made you feel so and an important

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part of this process is using non-blaming language so every step of the way it's

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important not to place blame and the reason for that is when we place blame

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the person we're in communication with more often than not we'll go into a

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defensive state you know no weren't people generally are not super open to attack

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language just by nature like if I'm calling you a jerk chances are you're

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not going to receive that positively at all right and you're not gonna want to

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talk to someone who's insulting you or you know I definitely don't want to talk

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to anybody who's insulting me you know there's just there would there's a

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breakdown in communication when we use blame language and in the second step

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again owning our experience by naming how the events objectively stated made me

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feel how did so you hung up the phone before I was finished speaking I felt

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rejected I felt hurt I felt sad and disconnected so there's a lot of

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language to describe our emotional landscape without placing blame when I

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learned about nonviolent communication it was important an important part of

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this step was of again avoiding blame language so like avoid saying well I

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felt disrespected because that's just a different way of saying you disrespected

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me so we're really like tuning into the the the language of emotion and this is

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this is I would argue one of the hardest parts of the practice because you know

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after kindergarten first grade early elementary like we're not learning about

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emotions really anymore or just like I mean at least not in any formal way or

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just kind of winging it after we learn happy happy sad mad glad angry so it's

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it's no wonder we have so many communication challenges anyhow so step

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three after you've stated the sequence of events from an objective point of view

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as much as possible and after you've stated how the event made you feel the

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third step is to name how you would like to feel so if you're feeling rejected

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something helpful that might be thinking to think about it is like well what's

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the opposite of rejected I would like to feel accepted or I'd like to feel more

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connected I would like to feel loved I would like to feel joy so the naming

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emotions is a really vulnerable thing and so that's kind of the other part that

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that makes this challenging is because we're not always necessarily in a

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practice or in environments that encourage naming emotions a lot of times

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we just have to like suck it up and get through it right like you but this this

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practice of nonviolent communication really allows us to kind of slow down

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reflect and make space for a deeper conversation a more connected conversation

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and finally the last step is to make a request in the future for example if the

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event was you hung up before I was finished speaking and a simple request

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could be could you wait until I'm finished speaking before you hang up or

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could you please say goodbye before hanging up I I mean this is I'm just

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clearly trying to simplify things for the sake of explaining there it's it's a

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very nuanced work so those four steps are kind of the that's the structure of

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of how nonviolent communication works and it takes practice it really takes

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practice the first time I did this I I learned it in my yoga teacher training

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shout-out to breathe for change which is a special yoga teacher training

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specifically for educators and it definitely had a social justice lens and

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what I really loved is we learned about nonviolent communication and using the

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tools of mindfulness having awareness like you have to be able to build

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awareness of your emotions to even have these kinds of conversations and if we

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understand that emotions are are you know these these phenomena that like also

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have life and in the body manifests like as physical sensation in the body we

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are able to tune in more to how things are you know to how we're feeling and

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name it with more ease so although it sounds like a simple four-step process

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it's it's it really takes practice to get the hang of it and there's also an

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important aspect of you know when you make a request there like communication

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cannot be if communication if the intention is connection in communication

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that the it's it's it's we have to let go of our ulterior motives like using

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communication as a means to manipulate or as as a in in other words using these

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this framework as like a tactic or strategy to get your way that's that's

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not really mindful communication and it's not really coming at communication in a

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way that is going to build connection like there has to be safety for for both

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parties in the conversation which means this a safety to say no like you can

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make the request but the person may not necessarily want to honor the request or

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may not have the capacity to honor the request so it's important to have like an

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openness and maybe the person you're in in contact with can't honor the request

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that you're making but they'll they could come up with an alternative

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solution yeah and the it's it's super important to to practice like a non

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attachment to a specific outcome because if you're attached to an outcome and

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you're trying to force a specific outcome you know if you don't get the

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thing that you're after it'll just lead to more conflict and resentment and we're

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back to square one so the purpose of nonviolent communication is not

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necessarily to get your way but it's it really in my humble opinion should be a

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tool used for fostering deeper connection and intimacy and understanding emotional

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intimacy and otherwise I mean I'm not sure how much emotional intimacy you

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want to have with folks at work but you know that's kind of choose your own

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adventure kind of situation yeah so there you have it that's kind of the

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nonviolent communication framework in a nutshell I have an email video series

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that I'm going to share and if you're interested in getting on the email list

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you can send a message to send send me a message on Instagram my handle is

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underscore Sabrina Amina underscore and yeah you can join me so let's get into

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our practice for today find a comfortable seat today we'll sit upright if

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that feels good for you if not again you can find whatever position feels most

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easeful for you once you're there allow the eyes to close or soften your gaze on

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a singular point start to notice your breath settle into this moment and make

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any micro adjustments that you might need to make if you need to move or

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stretch in any particular way as you're settling in as you're landing feel free

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to do so and as you're arriving in your body begin to notice your breath where is

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the breath hello breath faithful companion notice what it feels like to

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inhale notice how it feels to exhale what sensations do you feel as you take a

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breath in and as you breathe out allow the rhythm of the breath to be your

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singular focus in this moment and if your mind wanders away from the breath

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that's okay you can give yourself a reminder to come back to the breath and

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when you've noticed your mind wandering and you consciously come back to the

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breath congratulations you're practicing mindfulness take a deep breath in and

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let it go

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inhale and exhale as you inhale

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notice the parts of the body that expand or move notice any sensation in the body

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and as you exhale imagine a softening perhaps the shoulders come down perhaps

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the belly relaxes perhaps the jaw softens perhaps all expression leads your

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face perhaps you allow the tongue to rest in the mouth

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tune into your five senses and as you breathe in and out what do you hear what

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sounds are you hearing beyond the sound of my voice do you hear in your

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immediate surroundings what sound can you hear that's far away it's the farthest

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sound you can hear how far can you hear take a deep breath in let it go

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notice a sense of smell notice the sensation in your whole factory organs

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organs in your nose take a deep breath in let it go do you notice any smells

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is it hard to smell notice any pleasant smells or unpleasant smells can we

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notice without judgment

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take a deep breath in let it go tune into your sense of taste

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now you can just sense whatever you're tasting in the moment or imagine

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something that tastes wonderful perhaps one of your favorite foods what happens

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when you think of your favorite food what sensations come up in the body

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breathe in breathe out

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tune into your sense of touch you can feel the temperature in the room perhaps

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you can feel a breeze perhaps you can feel the feeling the texture of your

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clothing on your body feel what it's like to be you in this moment feel the

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weight of gravity holding you in place right now feel the pressure between your

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sit bones and the ground beneath you or the cushion or chair beneath you and

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finally tune into your sense of sight and if your eyes are closed in this

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moment what do you see in your mind's eye what would you like to see perhaps

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bring the image of something from nature gives a sense of ease or openness

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perhaps imagine a blue sky or raindrops could imagine a vast ocean

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take a deep breath in let it go and note to yourself

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note one word to name your experience in this moment

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thank you so much for practicing with me today my name is Sabrina Amina this is

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the feelings pod