1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:07,640 Hello, hello, this is Sabrina Amina with the feelings pod. 2 00:00:07,640 --> 00:00:24,840 Today's episode is on playful loneliness and approaching loneliness with a playful spirit 3 00:00:24,840 --> 00:00:40,240 or leaning into play as a way to hold feelings of loneliness. 4 00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:50,440 I think maybe my whole life, but not consciously, definitely in recent years. 5 00:00:50,440 --> 00:00:57,040 I've more consciously been thinking about, not thinking about, well, thinking about, 6 00:00:57,040 --> 00:01:07,840 talking about experimenting with the experience of loneliness. 7 00:01:07,840 --> 00:01:19,640 And at this point in my life, it feels like I kind of feel like loneliness is this illusion. 8 00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:30,960 It's a forgetting, it's a separation, it's like I know I'm never alone. 9 00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:41,360 Like even in this moment, I'm alone in my home, but I'm not really alone when I'm 10 00:01:41,360 --> 00:01:57,280 attuned to all of the things in my life that hold me and nurture me and I mean, I first 11 00:01:57,280 --> 00:02:00,840 and foremost is God. 12 00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:20,440 I think my loneliness is a symptom of my forgetfulness of God because God is always with me. 13 00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:24,960 If this is the first time you're listening to me surprise, I believe in God. 14 00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:31,000 If that makes you uncomfortable, maybe lean in or maybe this is not the right space for 15 00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:36,800 you but I'm going to talk about God a lot because I love God. 16 00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:47,440 So I'm also shedding shame around talking about God because I grew up in America. 17 00:02:47,440 --> 00:02:57,200 I'm Muslim American and I've always felt this need to damp down any devotional practices 18 00:02:57,200 --> 00:03:03,800 I have to God because in America, being a religious Muslim automatically translates 19 00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:11,320 to being a terrorist, unfortunately. 20 00:03:11,320 --> 00:03:17,720 Maybe you can be Muslim but you can't be fully expressed in your muslim-ness. 21 00:03:17,720 --> 00:03:26,920 Oh God, I'm having flashbacks to when I was in 10th grade and 9-11 happened. 22 00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:30,880 Oh God, this is not where we were going today. 23 00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:35,480 Anyhow, so that was a brief detour. 24 00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:42,000 But yeah, anyhow, welcome to the feelings pod. 25 00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:49,920 If you're new here, it gets messy and if you've returned, God bless you. 26 00:03:49,920 --> 00:03:56,920 Anyhow, see this is how I play when I'm alone to handle my loneliness. 27 00:03:56,920 --> 00:04:08,080 Like I just talk into my voice recorder and look at all the laughter that's emerged from 28 00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:10,320 my playfulness. 29 00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:17,040 And that's really what I'm here to talk about today is as I this morning I was like, I think 30 00:04:17,040 --> 00:04:19,520 I'm going to talk about my loneliness. 31 00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:27,880 Loneliness feels like such a tender, vulnerable place to talk about but I was like, wait a 32 00:04:27,880 --> 00:04:29,720 minute, have I talked about this before? 33 00:04:29,720 --> 00:04:38,360 And then I think episode, the third episode of this podcast was on loneliness and I, yeah, 34 00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:46,800 that was also like really, I mean all of these episodes are tender because they're very like 35 00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:53,360 come from my heart and they come from my lived experience and so I, yeah, this podcast is 36 00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:58,400 a work of heart so welcome to this portal. 37 00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:05,160 Get cozy, stay a while or if you need to leave, you can exit, stage left. 38 00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:06,920 Choose your own adventure kids. 39 00:05:06,920 --> 00:05:11,400 Okay, now play. 40 00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:17,600 So we all have something called an inner child. 41 00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:23,240 Maybe you've met them, maybe you haven't but if you haven't met your inner child yet, get 42 00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:31,120 curious about what your inner child might need from you. 43 00:05:31,120 --> 00:05:36,400 You know, introduce yourself to your inner child like, I'll be like, hey Amina, how you 44 00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:37,400 doing? 45 00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:38,400 I love you. 46 00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:40,160 I see that you're scared. 47 00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:44,040 I see that you're feeling lonely and rejected and maybe you feel like you don't have any 48 00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:45,040 friends. 49 00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:52,720 I have a lot of like, have a lot of like stuff that came up from like elementary school bullying 50 00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:59,520 so there's an old story that like, you know, I don't have any friends. 51 00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:06,000 I mean I do have friends but like little Amina, little Sabrina Amina just feels like nobody 52 00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:07,000 loves me. 53 00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:13,720 I'm like, hmm, first generation child of immigrants too so that's the whole, if you know you know, 54 00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:15,440 I'm not going to get into that. 55 00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:19,280 Wow, there is a lot going on here in this first six minutes. 56 00:06:19,280 --> 00:06:23,520 You know, I wasn't, I wasn't prepared for this. 57 00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:26,160 Maybe you weren't either. 58 00:06:26,160 --> 00:06:28,320 I'm glad you're here. 59 00:06:28,320 --> 00:06:43,280 Yeah, let's just like take a deep breath and settle in because this is actually a really 60 00:06:43,280 --> 00:06:52,080 fun topic that I'm excited to talk about so maybe that's why I'm like feeling super activated 61 00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:55,640 and all the neurons are firing. 62 00:06:55,640 --> 00:07:02,840 So when I talk to little Sabrina Amina, sometimes she's like, I feel alone. 63 00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:04,240 Why am I alone? 64 00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:06,600 Nobody loves me. 65 00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:15,400 And it's just a forgetting and I'm just like, I see you little Amina, let's play a game. 66 00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:18,240 So I'll get out my paints and I'll make some art. 67 00:07:18,240 --> 00:07:20,240 I'll do something creative. 68 00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:27,920 I'll like, you know, if it's a nice day and it's rained recently, I'll put my feet like 69 00:07:27,920 --> 00:07:31,920 in a muddy spot in the earth. 70 00:07:31,920 --> 00:07:34,840 And it's just like, have you ever squished your feet in mud? 71 00:07:34,840 --> 00:07:38,760 Like, if not, like highly recommend it. 72 00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:48,200 Do nurturing your inner child is a really, it's a really fun and playful way to approach 73 00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:49,200 loneliness. 74 00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:56,880 I'm not really, I, growing up, I was never really practiced at being alone because I 75 00:07:56,880 --> 00:08:02,520 grew up with five siblings and, you know, we have, you know, there's just around people 76 00:08:02,520 --> 00:08:04,520 around all the time. 77 00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:09,440 Whether you want it to be around people or not. 78 00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:12,600 And which is, which is a huge blessing in my life. 79 00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:20,920 And, but also as I grew older and, you know, got more entrenched in systems of capitalism, 80 00:08:20,920 --> 00:08:23,760 I felt more isolated. 81 00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:31,240 Like I entered a professional life and, you know, I was out of this like little cute bubble 82 00:08:31,240 --> 00:08:37,680 that we, some of us have the privilege of experiencing in university or even in high 83 00:08:37,680 --> 00:08:38,840 school or. 84 00:08:38,840 --> 00:08:48,120 And then you're kind of like, not formally in school anymore and just like navigating 85 00:08:48,120 --> 00:08:51,120 this kind of nebulous void of like, what do I do? 86 00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:52,120 Where do I go? 87 00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:53,120 Who am I? 88 00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:54,120 What am I? 89 00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:55,120 What am I doing in the world? 90 00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:56,120 What is my purpose? 91 00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:57,120 And I, yeah. 92 00:08:57,120 --> 00:09:16,880 Sorry, I just need to pause because there are a lot of different avenues I can go down. 93 00:09:16,880 --> 00:09:30,240 And I think the one I'm choosing is my experience of leaving the country when I was in my 20s. 94 00:09:30,240 --> 00:09:35,040 It was a couple of years, I think it was a couple of years after I graduated college 95 00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:38,320 and I was like working as a substitute teacher. 96 00:09:38,320 --> 00:09:45,080 I was living in my parents' home again and feeling very like stifled and like, what am 97 00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:48,440 I supposed to be doing? 98 00:09:48,440 --> 00:10:03,880 So I had a really, really hard breakup but necessary, you know, and I decided to leave 99 00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:13,320 my parents' home and I just like spent, it actually didn't take very long, it was just 100 00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:16,200 like a couple of months, I'm like thinking about it now. 101 00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:22,320 I'm amazed at how quickly I just found a job overseas and was like, I'm out of here, bye. 102 00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:25,400 So I just like packed my bags and left the country. 103 00:10:25,400 --> 00:10:33,040 I bought a one-way ticket to Istanbul, Turkey where I got a job as a kindergarten teacher. 104 00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:44,520 It was a full-time job but it was just kind of like a helper teacher so I had been subbing. 105 00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:50,360 I had not yet gotten my teacher certification. 106 00:10:50,360 --> 00:10:55,320 I went to a weird school called Sarah Lawrence where you don't have majors and you graduate 107 00:10:55,320 --> 00:11:01,880 with something called a useless piece of paper called a liberal arts degree. 108 00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:04,600 Okay, sorry, it's not useless. 109 00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:09,880 I don't know, somebody said you had to get a bachelor's degree so that's what I did. 110 00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:18,320 And then I was like, okay, now I have to pay off some student loans and like figure out 111 00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:22,200 how to like not live in my parents' house. 112 00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:35,240 So my first like full-time job after I graduated college was in Istanbul, Turkey. 113 00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:37,000 I was teaching kindergarten. 114 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:42,160 I was just like, I got to go. 115 00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:43,160 I got to get out of here. 116 00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:45,200 I got to get out of the country. 117 00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:52,680 I had always longed to like travel and go somewhere. 118 00:11:52,680 --> 00:12:00,960 I'm actually really like amused as I'm telling the story because and I'm really actually 119 00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:08,960 proud of like that version of myself that knew I had to go somewhere and do something. 120 00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:16,600 I mean, it really could have just been a really intense flight response to some overwhelming 121 00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:23,520 stress I was feeling, but it was more than that. 122 00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:35,800 It was a desire to find myself. 123 00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:45,480 So I moved to Istanbul, Turkey and they provided me with an apartment and transportation to 124 00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:46,720 him from my job. 125 00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:51,720 And I was like in this little town in Turkey and I didn't know anybody. 126 00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:57,440 I didn't speak any Turkish, but thankfully the school I worked at, like there were lots 127 00:12:57,440 --> 00:13:03,400 of people who spoke English. 128 00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:17,280 You know, I met other foreigners who were living in Turkey and teaching and that was 129 00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:30,680 the beginning of like a four-year adventure that was just like such a, I mean, it was 130 00:13:30,680 --> 00:13:38,960 a wonderful, beautiful time of my life and it was also very confronting and lonely at 131 00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:51,480 times and the loneliness, the only way I knew how to deal with the loneliness was to like 132 00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:58,760 find other people no matter what, like leave my home and like I could not tolerate like 133 00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:01,040 being alone in my apartment. 134 00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:08,280 It was just, it was too much for me. 135 00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:15,120 And so the problem with that is like, I think I was just, I mean, I definitely found some 136 00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:24,520 wonderful friends, but also it's a good practice to learn how to be alone with yourself and 137 00:14:24,520 --> 00:14:32,240 over the last few years, I've gotten better at it for sure. 138 00:14:32,240 --> 00:14:35,120 I journal, I make space for my feelings. 139 00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:43,240 I started this podcast after a particularly upsetting experience that kind of brought 140 00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:51,560 me face to face with the ways that I self-abandoned and when we're in those kind of patterns of 141 00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:59,720 self-abandonment, of course you feel lonely because you're trying to get your needs met 142 00:14:59,720 --> 00:15:05,960 and expecting folks who have no clue about what you need to give you what you need and 143 00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:14,600 then you keep getting disappointed and because at the end of the day, it was my responsibility 144 00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:22,840 to figure out what I need and how to nurture myself and like create space for me to just 145 00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:28,360 sit with myself and sit with little Amina and reassure her and comfort her and tell 146 00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:42,600 her that she's wonderful and her feelings are valid and we can make art and we can write 147 00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:49,480 and we can journal and we can play outside and we can be held in the warmth of the sunshine 148 00:15:49,480 --> 00:16:00,720 and we can be held by Mother Earth and like just lie in the grass and like, yeah, have 149 00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:16,440 all these transcendent experiences of life on this planet life as a human. 150 00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:37,400 Yeah, so these days I dance and I go for walks and I spend time in nature and I paint. 151 00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:49,600 Painting is really special to me because I was inspired to paint by someone I love very 152 00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:59,840 dearly who's no longer in my life and in a way painting feels like a sweet way to stay 153 00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:13,160 connected and also just like something that uncovers layers of myself that I'm continuously 154 00:17:13,160 --> 00:17:14,160 meeting. 155 00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:29,720 Yeah, every time a new painting emerges from sitting with my child, inner child, I'm just 156 00:17:29,720 --> 00:17:35,920 like I'm in awe of like, oh, look at this beautiful thing you created. 157 00:17:35,920 --> 00:17:39,680 You're so full of magic. 158 00:17:39,680 --> 00:17:49,000 And so loneliness is I think part of like navigating loneliness I think is just part 159 00:17:49,000 --> 00:18:05,720 of my job on this earth and it's just I think it's just a place where I get to learn more 160 00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:15,880 about myself which is really sweet and I notice that I think another way that I avoid my loneliness 161 00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:22,600 is with distraction or overwork or constantly surrounding myself with people like for example 162 00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:30,280 today a friend invited me somewhere and I was like, oh, I could do that or I could just 163 00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:38,840 like kind of sit at home because that was what I was leaning towards but my impulse 164 00:18:38,840 --> 00:18:46,320 is usually to go where the invitation is but today I just listened to the invitation of 165 00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:49,960 like little Amina who was like, I think I need some quiet time. 166 00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:55,160 I think I need some quiet alone time today. 167 00:18:55,160 --> 00:19:10,040 So yeah, I'm here playing with little Amina and I get to be alone but not necessarily 168 00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:21,400 feel consumed by this the the dread that can sometimes come with loneliness. 169 00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:38,360 Yeah, so maybe we can just do a short little breathing exercise today and yeah, find it 170 00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:39,360 comfortable. 171 00:19:39,360 --> 00:19:43,400 You know, why don't you just lie down? 172 00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:51,080 That could be nice if you prefer sitting up you can sit up but definitely like feather 173 00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:57,880 your nest as one of my favorite meditation teachers would say is just like get comfy, 174 00:19:57,880 --> 00:20:04,640 get cozy, like really allow yourself to feel held and if you're not in a place right now 175 00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:14,640 where you can do that just hit pause and come back to the meditation when you're able to 176 00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:20,560 really get cute and cozy and comfortable. 177 00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:31,320 So just allow your your back body to melt into the support below you and start tuning 178 00:20:31,320 --> 00:20:43,040 into your breath and let the eyes soften and close and begin to tune into your breath as 179 00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:49,200 your focus comes inward. 180 00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:57,680 Use the breath as it comes in and out of your body. 181 00:20:57,680 --> 00:21:03,720 There's no need to control the breath just the act of bringing your attention to the 182 00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:12,680 breath brings about subtle changes in the breath. 183 00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:28,080 Tune in might feel nice to put your hand on your belly or your heart just feel the waves 184 00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:42,480 of your body as you breathe in and out and just imagine that the breath is its own being 185 00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:55,320 and you are being breathed by the being of breath. 186 00:21:55,320 --> 00:22:11,440 As you follow the inhale and exhale imagine you're in a really lush garden and it's warm 187 00:22:11,440 --> 00:22:25,120 and maybe there's just like a kiss of humidity that's not oppressive but just like delicious 188 00:22:25,120 --> 00:22:45,680 and you are walking in this greenery and you approach your inner child and you greet them 189 00:22:45,680 --> 00:22:59,080 perhaps you give them a hug or just gaze at them lovingly and you both sit in the softness 190 00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:13,120 of the earth gazing at one another and at this moment you just take the opportunity 191 00:23:13,120 --> 00:23:19,520 to ask your inner child what would you like? 192 00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:24,480 What can I offer you? 193 00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:28,000 And just deeply listen. 194 00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:33,440 You don't have to find the answer. 195 00:23:33,440 --> 00:23:38,440 Let the response emerge. 196 00:23:38,440 --> 00:23:51,440 And maybe your inner child, the little version of you will have something to say right away 197 00:23:51,440 --> 00:24:01,720 and perhaps the little version of you might simply be satisfied with having your attention 198 00:24:01,720 --> 00:24:12,480 in this moment, maybe the little version of you just simply needs to be seen. 199 00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:23,040 Take a deep breath in, let it go and just keep listening. 200 00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:32,320 Allow yourself to sit in stillness with your inner child. 201 00:24:32,320 --> 00:24:33,320 Let it be playful. 202 00:24:33,320 --> 00:24:34,320 Let it be useful. 203 00:24:34,320 --> 00:24:51,160 There's no need to force anything here. 204 00:24:51,160 --> 00:25:00,160 Once you feel like you have an answer, offer your inner child some reassurance and tell 205 00:25:00,160 --> 00:25:04,320 them that I'm here. 206 00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:09,520 I'm here for you. 207 00:25:09,520 --> 00:25:12,640 Tell them that you love them. 208 00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:17,800 Say I love you. 209 00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:19,800 Say I hear you. 210 00:25:19,800 --> 00:25:24,680 I see you. 211 00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:31,680 Tell your inner child I will protect you. 212 00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:34,520 I will care for you. 213 00:25:34,520 --> 00:25:43,160 I will remember you and I will always keep coming back to you. 214 00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:59,040 Take a deep breath in and let it go. 215 00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:07,520 And when you feel complete, give your inner child a hug and a kiss or whatever feels 216 00:26:07,520 --> 00:26:17,400 resonant for you, however you'd like to interact with your inner child. 217 00:26:17,400 --> 00:26:23,200 As your meeting comes to a close once more, just offer reassurance to your inner little 218 00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:37,720 one that you'll be back. 219 00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:56,080 And as you both part ways, feel into this sense of a deeper knowing, a deeper understanding, 220 00:26:56,080 --> 00:27:02,160 a deeper care, a deeper love. 221 00:27:02,160 --> 00:27:12,040 Take a deep breath in, let it go. 222 00:27:12,040 --> 00:27:30,400 Allow yourself to feel nourished by the green garden and when you're ready, you can come 223 00:27:30,400 --> 00:27:45,240 back to the room, let the eyes flutter open and tune into how you feel in this moment. 224 00:27:45,240 --> 00:27:48,200 Thank you so much for sharing this space with me. 225 00:27:48,200 --> 00:28:03,800 Thank you so much for practicing with me and I will see you next time.