1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:08,640 Hello, hello, this is Sabrina Amina. I am the host of the feelings pod and I'm 2 00:00:08,640 --> 00:00:18,560 recording this on July 8th. The weather is very hot and I turned off the AC just 3 00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:26,300 so I could record this transmission. It feels important to me, maybe it'll 4 00:00:26,300 --> 00:00:33,200 resonate with you. We'll see. Today's episode is on love and rejection and I 5 00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:37,560 have talked about rejection. I've talked about love in the past. If you're 6 00:00:37,560 --> 00:00:42,840 curious about what I've said about those topics in previous episodes, feel free to 7 00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:57,140 take a look at those episodes. Today I am feeling called to bring together just 8 00:00:57,140 --> 00:01:05,300 some of my most recent learnings on the topics of love and rejection. I feel like 9 00:01:05,300 --> 00:01:14,360 rejection is something that I've gotten a lot of practice at. Also I've 10 00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:23,580 learned a lot about its relationship to love. If rejection feels like 11 00:01:23,580 --> 00:01:32,000 something that you struggle with lately, maybe there's some medicine, maybe 12 00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:37,460 there's a bomb here. Bomb. I feel like when I say bomb people think I'm saying 13 00:01:37,460 --> 00:01:46,540 B-O-M-B, but I'm saying B-A-L-M. Bomb, a bomb, like bomby. Okay, I just felt I feel 14 00:01:46,540 --> 00:01:55,460 like I had to make that explicitly clear. So in my morning pages today I had a 15 00:01:55,460 --> 00:02:03,460 lot to say about this topic and I think what I'll do is I'll just say a few 16 00:02:03,460 --> 00:02:13,180 words and then I think I might just read from my writing. But basically, like I 17 00:02:13,180 --> 00:02:19,180 said, it almost feels funny to me now to say, oh I've dealt with a lot of 18 00:02:19,180 --> 00:02:25,420 rejection because maybe what I've always perceived as rejection was just 19 00:02:25,420 --> 00:02:32,020 like something else. It's like misalignment or misunderstanding or just 20 00:02:32,020 --> 00:02:40,580 like the connection you thought was here is not or the connection you desire is 21 00:02:40,580 --> 00:02:45,540 just not available. So kind of having these shifts in understanding has given 22 00:02:45,540 --> 00:02:51,300 me a lot more like, I mean it still hurts but it also creates a little bit 23 00:02:51,300 --> 00:02:59,700 more ease and like, okay my sister does not want to talk to me. Ouch. I haven't 24 00:02:59,700 --> 00:03:05,700 heard from her since 2019 despite my efforts to like reach out and connect 25 00:03:05,700 --> 00:03:13,740 and there's just a wall there, at least what I'm perceiving to be a wall, what 26 00:03:13,740 --> 00:03:20,300 feels like rejection. And that's painful because my sister is someone that I love 27 00:03:20,300 --> 00:03:29,300 and care about but she's not someone right now who wants to be in connection 28 00:03:29,300 --> 00:03:39,260 with me. And so the loving piece that I'm practicing is like honoring her 29 00:03:39,260 --> 00:03:46,180 sovereignty, honoring that she knows what's best for her and honoring that 30 00:03:46,180 --> 00:03:52,420 like what she feels is best for her right now is not being in connection 31 00:03:52,420 --> 00:04:00,380 with me right now. But in the past and I think what a lot of us do with rejection 32 00:04:00,380 --> 00:04:07,820 is like we make the other person wrong somehow. Like we make them the enemy or 33 00:04:07,820 --> 00:04:12,660 the victim but then like what happens to the love? Like you said you love this 34 00:04:12,660 --> 00:04:17,260 person, I thought I love this person. How can I have these like feelings of like 35 00:04:17,260 --> 00:04:22,900 malice and rage and hatred toward this person just because they're not loving 36 00:04:22,900 --> 00:04:27,140 me or looking at me or paying attention to me in the way that I want them to? 37 00:04:27,140 --> 00:04:34,140 That seems a bit tyrannical to me and I think in a lot of my relationships 38 00:04:34,140 --> 00:04:40,620 I've been quite the tyrant. I've said I love you so this is what you have to do 39 00:04:40,620 --> 00:04:49,820 and the fact of the matter is no one owes you a reciprocal love. No one owes you 40 00:04:49,820 --> 00:05:00,060 the specific quirky freaky weird idiosyncratic way that you like to be 41 00:05:00,060 --> 00:05:10,140 loved. Ouch right? Like ouch that hurts. Like you mean the people I love aren't 42 00:05:10,140 --> 00:05:17,740 supposed to like aren't obligated to love me in the way that makes me feel like 43 00:05:17,740 --> 00:05:32,940 my most beautiful radiant adored self? No. No. No. Actually and to think that they 44 00:05:32,940 --> 00:05:41,340 do and to insist that they do is kind of a bit of a narcissistic trait. 45 00:05:41,340 --> 00:05:47,780 Now I know that's like a trigger word for a lot of us so I'm not telling any 46 00:05:47,780 --> 00:05:54,740 but I'm not like it's normal and natural to want love reciprocated. It's normal 47 00:05:54,740 --> 00:05:59,700 and natural to want to be loved in the way that you want to be loved but if all 48 00:05:59,700 --> 00:06:06,020 of a sudden you're not in a... if you can't love someone if they're not loving 49 00:06:06,020 --> 00:06:09,660 you in the specific way that you want to be loved and all of a sudden like you're 50 00:06:09,660 --> 00:06:19,740 just like moving to manipulate and coerce and punish the the person who's 51 00:06:19,740 --> 00:06:24,900 supposedly the object of your love that's not love. We're not practicing 52 00:06:24,900 --> 00:06:34,540 love there. Love is this expansive freeing... I don't know. I mean are there 53 00:06:34,540 --> 00:06:39,940 really words? I don't... are there really words? What love is not it's not control 54 00:06:39,940 --> 00:06:52,460 manipulation, coercion, punishment. Love is source. Love is... love is everything. 55 00:06:52,460 --> 00:07:03,500 It's... I mean there's a reason why people have such difficulty defining it but if 56 00:07:03,500 --> 00:07:15,100 there's a feeling of contraction that feeling is when we're separate from love 57 00:07:15,100 --> 00:07:24,860 or when we forget our connection to love. Love is not about controlling. Love is 58 00:07:24,860 --> 00:07:33,300 not about placing heavy expectations on the people that you love. What's loving 59 00:07:33,300 --> 00:07:42,500 is allowing people to be just as they are unless of course their way of being 60 00:07:42,500 --> 00:07:50,460 is in some way causing you harm or is abusive in some way. But otherwise a lot 61 00:07:50,460 --> 00:07:56,380 of the pain we experience or that we attribute to love is actually our 62 00:07:56,380 --> 00:08:03,100 disconnection from love. I can still hold love for my sister. I can still love her 63 00:08:03,100 --> 00:08:13,060 deeply and immensely and want all of the good things for her even if I feel 64 00:08:13,060 --> 00:08:21,940 rejected by her. Like that doesn't go away because she doesn't want to talk to me 65 00:08:21,940 --> 00:08:27,420 or answer my texts. I can make her wrong. I can make her a villain. I can call her 66 00:08:27,420 --> 00:08:35,540 like terrible names. But I like to work with my hurt feelings in a more 67 00:08:35,540 --> 00:08:38,340 generative way. 68 00:08:38,340 --> 00:09:01,180 I might not understand the reason why this person can't be in connection with 69 00:09:01,180 --> 00:09:07,500 me but I don't need to understand it to take full ownership of the love that I 70 00:09:07,500 --> 00:09:19,700 have and experience. The care that I have. I don't have to understand why someone 71 00:09:19,700 --> 00:09:27,580 I care about doesn't want me in their life. I had another experience where I 72 00:09:27,580 --> 00:09:34,420 offered my friendship to someone I love and care about and this person was not 73 00:09:34,420 --> 00:09:47,100 available to be in friendship and that hurts you know. But it's it's actually 74 00:09:47,100 --> 00:09:54,540 more loving to tell someone or make it clear to someone that you don't want to 75 00:09:54,540 --> 00:10:02,860 be in connection with them. Them pretend to be to spare their feelings. I think a 76 00:10:02,860 --> 00:10:07,580 lot of us do a lot of things to spare other people's feelings but we're just 77 00:10:07,580 --> 00:10:17,420 causing more harm than good by forcing a connection that doesn't feel true for us. 78 00:10:22,740 --> 00:10:29,540 And it's it's not easy work. It's not easy work because we're we're beings that 79 00:10:29,540 --> 00:10:34,300 want to be held in love and cared for and sometimes the people that we want to 80 00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:39,460 be held in love and cared for by like they're not available for that. So how 81 00:10:39,460 --> 00:10:44,460 can we turn towards the folks who are available to hold us and love us and 82 00:10:44,460 --> 00:10:54,940 witness us and care for us and tell us how amazing we are. I think that's how we 83 00:10:54,940 --> 00:11:06,540 deal with rejection by really honoring everyone's sovereignty just because you 84 00:11:06,540 --> 00:11:13,780 love someone doesn't mean they owe you shit. So yeah coming to terms with this 85 00:11:13,780 --> 00:11:20,860 realization is has been pretty powerful for me. 86 00:11:20,860 --> 00:11:30,860 Though it's painful it really has been empowering in the sense that realizing 87 00:11:30,860 --> 00:11:41,060 that no one owes you anything because you love them you can let go of the 88 00:11:41,060 --> 00:11:46,980 rigid expectations because those are limiting for all of us. Maybe if you were 89 00:11:46,980 --> 00:11:52,300 able to let go of the rigid expectations we have of the ones we love 90 00:11:52,300 --> 00:11:58,460 perhaps we could have deeper more enriching connections with the people 91 00:11:58,460 --> 00:12:07,500 we love. Maybe those expectations feel really heavy and burdensome for the 92 00:12:07,500 --> 00:12:13,020 person that you love. Wouldn't you want someone you love? Wouldn't you want to 93 00:12:13,020 --> 00:12:21,740 free them of heavy burdens instead of putting more on them? And that's not to 94 00:12:21,740 --> 00:12:28,780 say that your needs and desires are not valid but not everyone can honor your 95 00:12:28,780 --> 00:12:40,620 needs and desires. No one can meet you not everyone can meet you there. And if 96 00:12:40,620 --> 00:12:46,460 you see the person that you love as this person who owes you something or 97 00:12:46,460 --> 00:12:56,660 someone that's you're entitled to something because you love them I mean 98 00:12:59,500 --> 00:13:07,620 I don't know about you but that's not a kind of relationship I'd like to be in. 99 00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:17,180 I don't want somebody to give me something because they owe it to me. 100 00:13:19,540 --> 00:13:31,540 Love is not a debt. Love is something that you give freely and with you know it 101 00:13:31,540 --> 00:13:38,780 comes from a place of of excitement and desire and expansion. It's not something 102 00:13:38,780 --> 00:13:47,660 you can wrestle out of someone. And if you're trying to please stop. Please notice 103 00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:54,900 where you're trying to wrestle love out of somebody and just stop that for a 104 00:13:54,900 --> 00:14:00,380 little bit and see how that feels. See if you can hold yourself a little bit 105 00:14:00,380 --> 00:14:09,860 better and notice what your needs what needs you're trying to get met and 106 00:14:09,860 --> 00:14:18,700 learn more generative ways of finding these connections. 107 00:14:22,700 --> 00:14:28,900 It can be really freeing to think of love in terms of I love you because you 108 00:14:28,900 --> 00:14:35,340 are a person who inspires the experience of love in me. Thank you for offering me 109 00:14:35,340 --> 00:14:43,820 this experience of love. And wouldn't it be nice of course if love was reciprocated? 110 00:14:43,820 --> 00:14:49,180 Of course. Of course it would be. It would be more than nice like when love is 111 00:14:49,180 --> 00:14:59,140 reciprocated. It's euphoric and intoxicating and just beautiful. But guess 112 00:14:59,140 --> 00:15:06,900 what? We can still be in the practice of experiencing love without placing burden 113 00:15:06,900 --> 00:15:15,900 or expectation or obligation on another person to love you back in the very 114 00:15:15,900 --> 00:15:21,980 specific way that you want to be loved. When you demand this from the person you 115 00:15:21,980 --> 00:15:29,820 love or the people you love, love gets tainted again by like that impulse to 116 00:15:29,820 --> 00:15:34,780 control and manipulate because we throw a tantrum right? There are inner child 117 00:15:34,780 --> 00:15:38,220 like throws a tantrum when we don't get the thing that we want and then we want 118 00:15:38,220 --> 00:15:42,220 revenge and then we think of well if you don't love me back then I don't love you 119 00:15:42,220 --> 00:15:52,540 and like if love is really that fragile it's maybe not really love to begin with. 120 00:15:52,540 --> 00:16:13,140 And the person that inspires love in you may, I'm gonna say something that might, 121 00:16:13,140 --> 00:16:18,060 it's not gonna feel good to hear but there might be a person who inspires love 122 00:16:18,060 --> 00:16:25,060 in you but you don't necessarily inspire love in them and that's perfectly okay. 123 00:16:25,060 --> 00:16:30,540 It's really okay but our humans sometimes get confused about these kinds of 124 00:16:30,540 --> 00:16:39,740 experiences and then think oh this person doesn't love me then it means that 125 00:16:39,740 --> 00:16:47,460 I'm not worthy of love. The person I love doesn't love me back so that must mean 126 00:16:47,460 --> 00:16:53,940 I'm a piece of shit. What kind of madness and thinking is that? What, I don't 127 00:16:53,940 --> 00:16:58,580 wonder people think love is, love makes us, it's not love that makes us crazy it's 128 00:16:58,580 --> 00:17:05,860 our misunderstanding of love that drives us crazy. It's our thinking that 129 00:17:05,860 --> 00:17:21,020 possession and control and manipulation and you know these ways of relating 130 00:17:21,020 --> 00:17:28,060 that are actually not love that somehow our patriarchal capitalist structures 131 00:17:28,060 --> 00:17:43,500 have kind of confused us about what love really is. So of course we experience 132 00:17:43,500 --> 00:17:48,660 pain when we think love gives us the right to control or coerce or dominate 133 00:17:48,660 --> 00:17:56,300 or manipulate in any way. I love fiercely and have experienced deep pain from not 134 00:17:56,300 --> 00:18:01,820 being loved in return or feeling unloved because the person I love doesn't 135 00:18:01,820 --> 00:18:07,260 seem to love me in the way I like to be loved. Does that make me wrong for loving 136 00:18:07,260 --> 00:18:15,380 or does it make them wrong for loving in a way that doesn't align with what feels 137 00:18:15,380 --> 00:18:27,300 loving for me? It's really not love that drives us to madness but our 138 00:18:27,300 --> 00:18:33,620 misunderstanding of love that brings us confusion, hurt and loneliness. It's our 139 00:18:33,620 --> 00:18:42,180 separation from love like true love that is painful. So how do we practice being 140 00:18:42,180 --> 00:18:47,220 in love and embodying love and loving others in a way that's freeing and 141 00:18:47,220 --> 00:18:58,540 expansive? Well this this might come as a surprise to you but I've been using the 142 00:18:58,540 --> 00:19:07,660 tools of mindfulness and meditation to learn how to more deeply experience love. 143 00:19:07,660 --> 00:19:17,340 So let's get into our practice for today. Find a comfortable seat and today's 144 00:19:17,340 --> 00:19:23,580 practice we're just gonna focus on the heart space, opening the heart chakra and 145 00:19:23,580 --> 00:19:30,060 just really visualizing like the love that emanates from within us that is 146 00:19:30,060 --> 00:19:41,500 ever-present. Take a deep breath in, let the eyes rest. Really tune in to the 147 00:19:41,500 --> 00:19:50,140 miracle that is you in this moment. Take a deep breath into the belly and let it 148 00:19:50,140 --> 00:19:59,500 out with a sigh. Just find some stillness here. Allow the jaw to soften, allow the 149 00:19:59,500 --> 00:20:07,540 shoulders to kind of melt down your back. Imagine your head is as light as a 150 00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:18,140 feather floating towards the clouds and if there are any sticky thoughts that 151 00:20:18,140 --> 00:20:22,100 feel a bit burdensome in this moment just allow them to float up into the 152 00:20:22,100 --> 00:20:28,100 clouds and you know just give them to God for a little while while we focus on 153 00:20:28,100 --> 00:20:38,500 our body and our breathing and our beautiful loving hearts. Take a deep breath in, let it go. 154 00:20:38,500 --> 00:20:49,260 I'd like to invite you to imagine that each breath is a breath of love, a breath 155 00:20:49,260 --> 00:20:57,540 that is going to fill you up with love and every exhale is an exhale that allows 156 00:20:57,540 --> 00:21:02,620 you to let go of some burdens, allows you to let go of some heaviness, allows you to 157 00:21:02,620 --> 00:21:13,420 let go of anything that is weighing you down in this moment. Take a deep breath in, 158 00:21:14,420 --> 00:21:25,420 and let it go. Go ahead and just rub your hands together, create a little bit of 159 00:21:25,420 --> 00:21:34,220 warmth between your palms. When you feel ready, when you feel that friction, when 160 00:21:34,220 --> 00:21:41,620 you feel that warmth, bring that warmth to your heart space and firmly place your 161 00:21:41,620 --> 00:21:46,460 palm right above your heart, right over your heart and just like feel your 162 00:21:46,460 --> 00:21:58,700 heartbeat into your palms. Breathe in and out at your own pace with the beat of 163 00:21:58,700 --> 00:22:08,340 your heart and imagine that each heartbeat 164 00:22:08,340 --> 00:22:26,020 expands this glow, this pink glow around your heart. With every inhale and exhale, 165 00:22:26,020 --> 00:22:40,580 that glow expands outward filling the chest. Take a deep breath in, let it go. And 166 00:22:40,580 --> 00:22:48,220 that glow continues to radiate outward, expanding through your torso into your 167 00:22:48,220 --> 00:23:00,700 neck and shoulders. That pink glow starts to envelop your entire body. This pink 168 00:23:00,700 --> 00:23:04,820 glowing light flows over, 169 00:23:04,820 --> 00:23:21,580 flows over your hips and your legs and your feet. And imagine this pink glow is 170 00:23:21,580 --> 00:23:40,620 just love holding you, love radiating from your heart space and allowing you 171 00:23:40,620 --> 00:23:53,900 this moment of rest, this moment of wholeness, this moment of remembering the 172 00:23:53,900 --> 00:24:08,220 miracle and magic that is you in this moment. No one like you has ever existed 173 00:24:08,220 --> 00:24:26,700 in this way, in this expression, in this moment. Take a deep breath in, let it go, 174 00:24:26,700 --> 00:24:33,740 let that radiating beautiful pink light continue expanding outwards and 175 00:24:33,740 --> 00:24:38,420 enveloping this entire room that you're in or the space that you're in, your 176 00:24:38,420 --> 00:24:54,180 immediate surroundings. You can rest here in this glow and you'd like to 177 00:24:54,180 --> 00:25:00,180 continue. Imagine allowing that light to keep expanding towards the people you 178 00:25:00,180 --> 00:25:09,700 love, the people you feel challenged by, the people you feel neutral towards, the 179 00:25:09,700 --> 00:25:13,900 people you don't know and have never met. 180 00:25:13,900 --> 00:25:31,340 Imagine allowing this love to radiate towards all living beings. Take a deep 181 00:25:31,340 --> 00:25:46,420 breath in, let it go. You're welcome to sit here in this glorious gorgeous pink 182 00:25:46,420 --> 00:26:05,100 glow for as long as you like. Thank you so much for practicing with me today.