Hello, hello, this is Sabrina Amina and I am the host of the feelings pod
where I share a little bit about the feelings that are coming up this week and
how we can
navigate our
emotional experiences with a bit more presence and
mindfulness at the end of each episode I share mindfulness practice that
You can enjoy as well
Today's episode is about
self-compassion
depression and my messy home and
And
It makes sense that I experience depression
Rather frequently it's actually this ever-present
Companion and I've been experimenting with befriending my depression
If you're curious about
Things I've said in the past about this topic
There's another episode on depression
But hopefully this one is a bit more light-hearted
Because I'm feeling optimistic about my depression today if that's even possible
I mean it is possible because that's just where I'm at today and I
Have a very messy home that I feel constantly overwhelmed by I don't think it's I
Think it's a symptom of
Of my depression that I can't seem to move the needle on
Creating like a consistently
Clean open space
Or like it's clean
But it's just untidy and I have too many things and I'm constantly feeling overwhelmed by
like piles of laundry that need to be put away and
just
Disorganization
So I'm doing an experiment and and there are a lot of reasons for this
But it's just you know, I I'm a single parent. I teach full-time
But all of these to me feel like excuses I
I'm like well lots of people teach and have a tidy home and
But
I'm doing my best to approach this with a little bit more curiosity and say okay
Well, it's hard for me to look at the living room and feel like I can do anything to make progress
but
lately I've been experimenting with just
five things
There are five I can pick up five pieces of laundry. I can fold five pieces of laundry
And
I've done something and
Usually after folding those five pieces of laundry, I'll be like oh
That was pretty useful. I feel pretty good about myself after doing that and
I'm gonna fold five more pieces of laundry. I
Have a bit more space because today is the first Monday of
My summer vacation
School ended for me last Thursday. I'm a high school French teacher
and so I
Have space to be more slow and intentional about my
Tidying up it is really
My number one priority at this moment and
Another number one priority I have and they're they're related is
Inviting more friends into my home
My mess keeps me isolated. I have this story that because I have a messy home. I'm not allowed to have
anyone over
Not just I'm not allowed, but I have a deep shame about like the state of my home. I don't think it
reflects
who I am or
It reflects the worst parts of who I am. I think sometimes like
I'm
messy
So I've been learning to be
More kind to my messy self and
And
Say my home is really messy and that's okay
There are things I can do
That will
Make me feel better and that's folding five pieces of laundry
Or taking naps in between
My cleaning tasks are lying down and resting
just so that I can
Not feel overwhelmed by a task. I'm not one to power through anything. I just
When I'm done I'm done I
Yeah, and and I've been hard on myself in the past for
kind of
Starting and stopping projects because
It's difficult for me to do something until the end I just I just don't have that I
Get bored I get bored and I get tired
Unless like I absolutely have to do it unless it's like a life-or-death situation
Maybe
Let's not say life or death. I don't like that language
If it's a situation that like I'll lose my job if I don't do this task, I'll get it done
I
Mean that is like a survival thing. It's not life and death, but you know my job is
Is an important part of my livelihood so I do my best to meet deadlines and get things done
To do like do non-preferred tasks
Yeah
And then the funny thing the interesting thing that happens is when I do little things
My state of depression feels a little bit lighter. It's like oh look at me. I can be depressed and do things I
Can be depressed and still be a really awesome person worthy of love and
Having friends over who will love me
Anyway, even if I'm messy
It seems obvious, but when you're in a state of like overwhelm I
Shut down
You know, it's hard for me to see the things that are simple and obvious
So
This summer I'm moving slowly. I'm giving my permission myself permission to not do it all at once
I'm giving myself permission and telling myself it's okay to not power through things. It's okay to like
do things in bite-sized pieces and
take breaks in between and lie down and have a piece of chocolate or
Record a podcast in between tasks
It's okay. It's all okay. I
think the antidote
for my depression is really generally
Doing small things consistently
being consistently kind to myself as much as I can and
And reaching for my people. I had such a sweet
short little trip upstate this weekend and I spent time with a dear friend
and
We
My old friend Luke from college and we haven't seen each other since we graduated but over the years we've kept in touch and
We shared poems and
Went swimming together and
and shared meals together and
It was just a sweet time of connection and we both told each we both kind of acknowledged to one another
the things that were working on and
agreed to hold each other accountable and
It's so helpful to be connected to one another
It's so important for us to share. Hey, this is the thing that I'm working on. That's important to me
You know, is it okay if I check in with you about it on my progress?
We really need each other and
Sometimes when we get in this depressing messy space, it's hard to reach for anybody
But when I remember to do that, you know, I come back to life
One of my favorite coaches I
Don't even know if coach is the appropriate term for her but Simone
soul on
I follow her on Instagram, but
She has she has so many wonderful offerings and she shared this really beautiful post
about
Depression recently that really spoke to
It really spoke to me
it I
was so encouraged by it and
I'll share it with you
Simone Grace soul an honest talk about my mental health struggles
And I won't read the whole thing but
The the broad strokes as a baseline I am prone to melancholy and depression
That means the perpetual background low hum of my brain is what's the point?
I find the basic realities of earthly life confusing and heartbreaking and scary
I always feel like I'm a few life unfortunate circumstances away from a catastrophic decision. I
Am also tightly wound anxious and neurotic as
Vivacious energetic and courageous as I come across and I am genuinely these things
I easily snap into a tight ball of fear and numbness in the face of new circumstances new people and
An unexpected change sometimes it takes me forever to get regulated enough to do basic things like ask someone for directions I
Am also extraordinarily sensitive and relationally attuned
Other people being disappointed in me or being critical of me can be extraordinarily painful to the point of inducing
dissociative paralysis
After visiting places like historical sites where a lot of bad things happened sometimes it takes me days weeks or even months to
Release and shake off energy that doesn't belong to me
Everything I just said so far I have learned through a lot of extraordinarily messy trial and error
To carry somewhat skillfully
I've been fortunate enough to be able to invest deeply in self-awareness and self-fluency and learned a ton over the years
That made life so much more bearable
Against all odds I rewired so many of my responsive habits so that I could create things like a healthy business a thriving
Creative practice a happy marriage
That's the thing I can and do change how I respond to my baseline wiring
But the baseline wiring does not change nor do I think it's meant to I do not feel sorry for myself
Well, okay, sometimes I do but mostly not the way that I am wired is closely linked to my creative genius
No way on earth. I could be the exquisitely finely attuned thinker and practitioner. I could be without my sensitivity
No way I could have the depth of empathy I do without my intimacy with the darkness of life
My mental health struggles are critical components of the richly beautifully brilliantly textured tapestry that is my inner life
and
Everything I create in my life, which I am so fortunate to have been appreciated and financially
Renumerated for is a direct output of that. I
Share this because I think the world needs reminders that mental health struggles are real and they are painful and they are a problem and
Also, they are not a problem
I know for a fact that a younger version of me would have deeply
Been served to see a role model who is living a life of bold creativity and
hasn't had to overcome or heal their depressive and anxious wiring
Healing is such a cover for so much bypassing and the modern Western world's infantile fear of the dark complexity of spiritual reality
Ultimately, I share this with the hope that
It made at least some of you feel a little less lonely and a little more seen and a little more hopeful today
Those of us with mental health struggles are not projects to be fixed. We are meant
La we were meant to be loved celebrated and supported
Yeah, life is on hard mode for many of us
Just know that someone out there sees you and is deeply deeply glad that you're still around
Yeah, this is
Yeah, reading those words was a bomb for me and I
I
Yeah
I'm going to continue being my
Messy, depressing creative joyful
Big hearted beautiful self and
And
Let's get into our practice for today
Have find a comfortable seat take a deep breath in
And just notice what you're picking up on we'll do an exploration of our five senses
Notice what you hear in this moment
What do you hear in your immediate surroundings? What do you hear beyond that?
Do any of these sounds bring up emotion for you?
Moving on to our sense of smell is there anything any smells you can pick up on right now
Anything subtle maybe a pleasant smell maybe a not so pleasant smell
Maybe you don't smell much of anything
Noticing your sense of taste
Noticing your taste buds
Noticing your sense of touch, what do you feel on your skin right now? What temperatures?
What textures?
And if your eyes are closed notice what you see
In your mind's eye
Your eyes are open allow your gaze to rest on something that feels good to look at
Maybe it's a plant, maybe it's something a color
Maybe it's a treasured object
Picture of a loved one
What do you see?
Thank you so much for practicing with me today
Have a wonderful day