1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:07,580 Hello, hello, this is Sabrina Amina and I am the host of the feelings pod 2 00:00:08,140 --> 00:00:12,480 where I share a little bit about the feelings that are coming up this week and 3 00:00:13,080 --> 00:00:15,080 how we can 4 00:00:15,320 --> 00:00:17,320 navigate our 5 00:00:18,280 --> 00:00:22,060 emotional experiences with a bit more presence and 6 00:00:22,060 --> 00:00:28,380 mindfulness at the end of each episode I share mindfulness practice that 7 00:00:30,260 --> 00:00:32,860 You can enjoy as well 8 00:00:34,660 --> 00:00:37,860 Today's episode is about 9 00:00:39,260 --> 00:00:41,260 self-compassion 10 00:00:42,020 --> 00:00:44,700 depression and my messy home and 11 00:00:44,700 --> 00:00:46,700 And 12 00:00:49,580 --> 00:00:53,300 It makes sense that I experience depression 13 00:00:54,980 --> 00:00:58,660 Rather frequently it's actually this ever-present 14 00:01:00,820 --> 00:01:07,580 Companion and I've been experimenting with befriending my depression 15 00:01:07,580 --> 00:01:11,260 If you're curious about 16 00:01:14,540 --> 00:01:17,860 Things I've said in the past about this topic 17 00:01:20,500 --> 00:01:22,500 There's another episode on depression 18 00:01:24,180 --> 00:01:27,340 But hopefully this one is a bit more light-hearted 19 00:01:29,820 --> 00:01:34,220 Because I'm feeling optimistic about my depression today if that's even possible 20 00:01:34,220 --> 00:01:39,280 I mean it is possible because that's just where I'm at today and I 21 00:01:41,700 --> 00:01:49,420 Have a very messy home that I feel constantly overwhelmed by I don't think it's I 22 00:01:52,140 --> 00:01:54,140 Think it's a symptom of 23 00:01:54,140 --> 00:02:02,980 Of my depression that I can't seem to move the needle on 24 00:02:05,300 --> 00:02:07,620 Creating like a consistently 25 00:02:10,620 --> 00:02:12,620 Clean open space 26 00:02:13,060 --> 00:02:14,980 Or like it's clean 27 00:02:14,980 --> 00:02:20,020 But it's just untidy and I have too many things and I'm constantly feeling overwhelmed by 28 00:02:20,020 --> 00:02:23,620 like piles of laundry that need to be put away and 29 00:02:25,420 --> 00:02:27,420 just 30 00:02:28,060 --> 00:02:30,060 Disorganization 31 00:02:33,100 --> 00:02:38,300 So I'm doing an experiment and and there are a lot of reasons for this 32 00:02:39,820 --> 00:02:45,380 But it's just you know, I I'm a single parent. I teach full-time 33 00:02:45,380 --> 00:02:49,620 But all of these to me feel like excuses I 34 00:02:50,980 --> 00:02:55,620 I'm like well lots of people teach and have a tidy home and 35 00:02:57,580 --> 00:02:59,100 But 36 00:02:59,100 --> 00:03:05,380 I'm doing my best to approach this with a little bit more curiosity and say okay 37 00:03:06,180 --> 00:03:12,580 Well, it's hard for me to look at the living room and feel like I can do anything to make progress 38 00:03:13,460 --> 00:03:14,900 but 39 00:03:14,900 --> 00:03:17,460 lately I've been experimenting with just 40 00:03:18,380 --> 00:03:20,380 five things 41 00:03:20,420 --> 00:03:26,540 There are five I can pick up five pieces of laundry. I can fold five pieces of laundry 42 00:03:27,980 --> 00:03:29,460 And 43 00:03:29,460 --> 00:03:31,460 I've done something and 44 00:03:32,100 --> 00:03:35,980 Usually after folding those five pieces of laundry, I'll be like oh 45 00:03:36,940 --> 00:03:41,540 That was pretty useful. I feel pretty good about myself after doing that and 46 00:03:41,540 --> 00:03:45,540 I'm gonna fold five more pieces of laundry. I 47 00:03:47,540 --> 00:03:52,380 Have a bit more space because today is the first Monday of 48 00:03:53,420 --> 00:03:55,420 My summer vacation 49 00:03:55,460 --> 00:04:01,380 School ended for me last Thursday. I'm a high school French teacher 50 00:04:02,260 --> 00:04:04,260 and so I 51 00:04:04,260 --> 00:04:09,860 Have space to be more slow and intentional about my 52 00:04:13,100 --> 00:04:15,620 Tidying up it is really 53 00:04:17,460 --> 00:04:20,100 My number one priority at this moment and 54 00:04:21,740 --> 00:04:27,580 Another number one priority I have and they're they're related is 55 00:04:28,860 --> 00:04:31,820 Inviting more friends into my home 56 00:04:31,820 --> 00:04:40,580 My mess keeps me isolated. I have this story that because I have a messy home. I'm not allowed to have 57 00:04:41,540 --> 00:04:43,540 anyone over 58 00:04:43,940 --> 00:04:51,500 Not just I'm not allowed, but I have a deep shame about like the state of my home. I don't think it 59 00:04:52,220 --> 00:04:53,620 reflects 60 00:04:53,620 --> 00:04:55,620 who I am or 61 00:04:55,620 --> 00:05:01,580 It reflects the worst parts of who I am. I think sometimes like 62 00:05:06,860 --> 00:05:08,860 I'm 63 00:05:09,620 --> 00:05:11,620 messy 64 00:05:12,180 --> 00:05:15,020 So I've been learning to be 65 00:05:18,180 --> 00:05:20,660 More kind to my messy self and 66 00:05:20,660 --> 00:05:22,660 And 67 00:05:24,380 --> 00:05:28,500 Say my home is really messy and that's okay 68 00:05:30,220 --> 00:05:32,220 There are things I can do 69 00:05:33,220 --> 00:05:35,220 That will 70 00:05:35,300 --> 00:05:40,540 Make me feel better and that's folding five pieces of laundry 71 00:05:42,060 --> 00:05:44,580 Or taking naps in between 72 00:05:45,500 --> 00:05:48,900 My cleaning tasks are lying down and resting 73 00:05:48,900 --> 00:05:51,380 just so that I can 74 00:05:53,100 --> 00:05:59,900 Not feel overwhelmed by a task. I'm not one to power through anything. I just 75 00:06:01,660 --> 00:06:03,660 When I'm done I'm done I 76 00:06:10,060 --> 00:06:14,180 Yeah, and and I've been hard on myself in the past for 77 00:06:14,180 --> 00:06:17,180 kind of 78 00:06:20,060 --> 00:06:22,380 Starting and stopping projects because 79 00:06:24,300 --> 00:06:31,300 It's difficult for me to do something until the end I just I just don't have that I 80 00:06:34,380 --> 00:06:37,020 Get bored I get bored and I get tired 81 00:06:38,140 --> 00:06:41,980 Unless like I absolutely have to do it unless it's like a life-or-death situation 82 00:06:41,980 --> 00:06:43,980 Maybe 83 00:06:47,820 --> 00:06:51,020 Let's not say life or death. I don't like that language 84 00:06:51,700 --> 00:06:58,180 If it's a situation that like I'll lose my job if I don't do this task, I'll get it done 85 00:06:58,180 --> 00:06:59,100 I 86 00:06:59,100 --> 00:07:04,380 Mean that is like a survival thing. It's not life and death, but you know my job is 87 00:07:04,380 --> 00:07:10,940 Is an important part of my livelihood so I do my best to meet deadlines and get things done 88 00:07:12,020 --> 00:07:15,140 To do like do non-preferred tasks 89 00:07:18,780 --> 00:07:20,780 Yeah 90 00:07:22,300 --> 00:07:28,260 And then the funny thing the interesting thing that happens is when I do little things 91 00:07:28,260 --> 00:07:38,940 My state of depression feels a little bit lighter. It's like oh look at me. I can be depressed and do things I 92 00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:45,380 Can be depressed and still be a really awesome person worthy of love and 93 00:07:46,260 --> 00:07:49,940 Having friends over who will love me 94 00:07:51,180 --> 00:07:53,900 Anyway, even if I'm messy 95 00:07:53,900 --> 00:08:02,420 It seems obvious, but when you're in a state of like overwhelm I 96 00:08:06,140 --> 00:08:08,140 Shut down 97 00:08:08,380 --> 00:08:12,860 You know, it's hard for me to see the things that are simple and obvious 98 00:08:14,540 --> 00:08:16,540 So 99 00:08:16,540 --> 00:08:24,620 This summer I'm moving slowly. I'm giving my permission myself permission to not do it all at once 100 00:08:25,260 --> 00:08:32,020 I'm giving myself permission and telling myself it's okay to not power through things. It's okay to like 101 00:08:33,260 --> 00:08:35,860 do things in bite-sized pieces and 102 00:08:36,540 --> 00:08:41,700 take breaks in between and lie down and have a piece of chocolate or 103 00:08:41,700 --> 00:08:48,620 Record a podcast in between tasks 104 00:08:49,860 --> 00:08:53,100 It's okay. It's all okay. I 105 00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:56,100 think the antidote 106 00:08:56,820 --> 00:09:00,860 for my depression is really generally 107 00:09:02,100 --> 00:09:04,540 Doing small things consistently 108 00:09:05,940 --> 00:09:09,580 being consistently kind to myself as much as I can and 109 00:09:09,580 --> 00:09:13,620 And reaching for my people. I had such a sweet 110 00:09:14,900 --> 00:09:20,580 short little trip upstate this weekend and I spent time with a dear friend 111 00:09:22,300 --> 00:09:24,300 and 112 00:09:25,420 --> 00:09:27,420 We 113 00:09:27,420 --> 00:09:38,020 My old friend Luke from college and we haven't seen each other since we graduated but over the years we've kept in touch and 114 00:09:40,380 --> 00:09:43,940 We shared poems and 115 00:09:48,460 --> 00:09:50,460 Went swimming together and 116 00:09:50,460 --> 00:09:55,940 and shared meals together and 117 00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:07,900 It was just a sweet time of connection and we both told each we both kind of acknowledged to one another 118 00:10:08,780 --> 00:10:11,100 the things that were working on and 119 00:10:12,460 --> 00:10:15,100 agreed to hold each other accountable and 120 00:10:15,100 --> 00:10:22,420 It's so helpful to be connected to one another 121 00:10:23,780 --> 00:10:30,100 It's so important for us to share. Hey, this is the thing that I'm working on. That's important to me 122 00:10:31,700 --> 00:10:35,820 You know, is it okay if I check in with you about it on my progress? 123 00:10:39,060 --> 00:10:41,060 We really need each other and 124 00:10:41,060 --> 00:10:48,780 Sometimes when we get in this depressing messy space, it's hard to reach for anybody 125 00:10:54,580 --> 00:10:58,100 But when I remember to do that, you know, I come back to life 126 00:11:03,420 --> 00:11:06,180 One of my favorite coaches I 127 00:11:06,180 --> 00:11:12,100 Don't even know if coach is the appropriate term for her but Simone 128 00:11:13,140 --> 00:11:15,140 soul on 129 00:11:18,700 --> 00:11:20,700 I follow her on Instagram, but 130 00:11:21,420 --> 00:11:26,500 She has she has so many wonderful offerings and she shared this really beautiful post 131 00:11:28,220 --> 00:11:30,220 about 132 00:11:30,220 --> 00:11:36,460 Depression recently that really spoke to 133 00:11:38,260 --> 00:11:40,260 It really spoke to me 134 00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:42,580 it I 135 00:11:42,580 --> 00:11:45,500 was so encouraged by it and 136 00:11:47,900 --> 00:11:49,900 I'll share it with you 137 00:11:51,340 --> 00:11:56,100 Simone Grace soul an honest talk about my mental health struggles 138 00:11:56,100 --> 00:12:01,540 And I won't read the whole thing but 139 00:12:06,460 --> 00:12:11,500 The the broad strokes as a baseline I am prone to melancholy and depression 140 00:12:11,860 --> 00:12:16,620 That means the perpetual background low hum of my brain is what's the point? 141 00:12:16,620 --> 00:12:21,780 I find the basic realities of earthly life confusing and heartbreaking and scary 142 00:12:21,780 --> 00:12:28,940 I always feel like I'm a few life unfortunate circumstances away from a catastrophic decision. I 143 00:12:29,500 --> 00:12:33,380 Am also tightly wound anxious and neurotic as 144 00:12:34,260 --> 00:12:39,700 Vivacious energetic and courageous as I come across and I am genuinely these things 145 00:12:39,700 --> 00:12:46,660 I easily snap into a tight ball of fear and numbness in the face of new circumstances new people and 146 00:12:46,660 --> 00:12:55,460 An unexpected change sometimes it takes me forever to get regulated enough to do basic things like ask someone for directions I 147 00:12:56,540 --> 00:13:00,660 Am also extraordinarily sensitive and relationally attuned 148 00:13:01,060 --> 00:13:07,900 Other people being disappointed in me or being critical of me can be extraordinarily painful to the point of inducing 149 00:13:08,540 --> 00:13:10,540 dissociative paralysis 150 00:13:10,540 --> 00:13:18,820 After visiting places like historical sites where a lot of bad things happened sometimes it takes me days weeks or even months to 151 00:13:18,820 --> 00:13:21,500 Release and shake off energy that doesn't belong to me 152 00:13:22,900 --> 00:13:28,900 Everything I just said so far I have learned through a lot of extraordinarily messy trial and error 153 00:13:29,420 --> 00:13:31,420 To carry somewhat skillfully 154 00:13:31,420 --> 00:13:40,340 I've been fortunate enough to be able to invest deeply in self-awareness and self-fluency and learned a ton over the years 155 00:13:40,580 --> 00:13:42,580 That made life so much more bearable 156 00:13:43,460 --> 00:13:51,380 Against all odds I rewired so many of my responsive habits so that I could create things like a healthy business a thriving 157 00:13:52,020 --> 00:13:54,020 Creative practice a happy marriage 158 00:13:54,780 --> 00:14:00,380 That's the thing I can and do change how I respond to my baseline wiring 159 00:14:00,380 --> 00:14:07,780 But the baseline wiring does not change nor do I think it's meant to I do not feel sorry for myself 160 00:14:08,180 --> 00:14:15,460 Well, okay, sometimes I do but mostly not the way that I am wired is closely linked to my creative genius 161 00:14:15,940 --> 00:14:22,820 No way on earth. I could be the exquisitely finely attuned thinker and practitioner. I could be without my sensitivity 162 00:14:23,340 --> 00:14:29,020 No way I could have the depth of empathy I do without my intimacy with the darkness of life 163 00:14:29,020 --> 00:14:37,460 My mental health struggles are critical components of the richly beautifully brilliantly textured tapestry that is my inner life 164 00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:38,460 and 165 00:14:38,460 --> 00:14:43,980 Everything I create in my life, which I am so fortunate to have been appreciated and financially 166 00:14:44,420 --> 00:14:47,580 Renumerated for is a direct output of that. I 167 00:14:50,460 --> 00:14:57,840 Share this because I think the world needs reminders that mental health struggles are real and they are painful and they are a problem and 168 00:14:57,840 --> 00:15:00,560 Also, they are not a problem 169 00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:04,360 I know for a fact that a younger version of me would have deeply 170 00:15:04,880 --> 00:15:10,120 Been served to see a role model who is living a life of bold creativity and 171 00:15:10,560 --> 00:15:15,040 hasn't had to overcome or heal their depressive and anxious wiring 172 00:15:15,840 --> 00:15:24,440 Healing is such a cover for so much bypassing and the modern Western world's infantile fear of the dark complexity of spiritual reality 173 00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:28,360 Ultimately, I share this with the hope that 174 00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:37,720 It made at least some of you feel a little less lonely and a little more seen and a little more hopeful today 175 00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:43,520 Those of us with mental health struggles are not projects to be fixed. We are meant 176 00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:47,920 La we were meant to be loved celebrated and supported 177 00:15:47,920 --> 00:15:53,680 Yeah, life is on hard mode for many of us 178 00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:59,920 Just know that someone out there sees you and is deeply deeply glad that you're still around 179 00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:03,440 Yeah, this is 180 00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:10,720 Yeah, reading those words was a bomb for me and I 181 00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:12,720 I 182 00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:17,720 Yeah 183 00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:23,120 I'm going to continue being my 184 00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:28,560 Messy, depressing creative joyful 185 00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:33,680 Big hearted beautiful self and 186 00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:35,680 And 187 00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:41,360 Let's get into our practice for today 188 00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:48,560 Have find a comfortable seat take a deep breath in 189 00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:57,200 And just notice what you're picking up on we'll do an exploration of our five senses 190 00:16:57,200 --> 00:17:03,520 Notice what you hear in this moment 191 00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:16,360 What do you hear in your immediate surroundings? What do you hear beyond that? 192 00:17:16,360 --> 00:17:27,600 Do any of these sounds bring up emotion for you? 193 00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:39,400 Moving on to our sense of smell is there anything any smells you can pick up on right now 194 00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:49,280 Anything subtle maybe a pleasant smell maybe a not so pleasant smell 195 00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:53,080 Maybe you don't smell much of anything 196 00:17:57,760 --> 00:17:59,760 Noticing your sense of taste 197 00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:08,640 Noticing your taste buds 198 00:18:08,640 --> 00:18:28,840 Noticing your sense of touch, what do you feel on your skin right now? What temperatures? 199 00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:35,840 What textures? 200 00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:53,920 And if your eyes are closed notice what you see 201 00:18:53,920 --> 00:19:01,200 In your mind's eye 202 00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:14,960 Your eyes are open allow your gaze to rest on something that feels good to look at 203 00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:21,000 Maybe it's a plant, maybe it's something a color 204 00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:25,160 Maybe it's a treasured object 205 00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:31,080 Picture of a loved one 206 00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:51,080 What do you see? 207 00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:55,080 Thank you so much for practicing with me today 208 00:19:55,080 --> 00:20:00,080 Have a wonderful day