1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:08,300 Hello, my name is Sabrina Amina and this is the Feelings Pod. 2 00:00:08,300 --> 00:00:18,860 I'm an educator, a holistic health coach, and in this podcast I share experiences of 3 00:00:18,860 --> 00:00:32,300 navigating the different emotions of our human experience using the tools of mindfulness. 4 00:00:32,300 --> 00:00:40,460 Today's episode is about alchemizing anger. 5 00:00:40,460 --> 00:00:44,520 Anger is a pretty... 6 00:00:44,520 --> 00:00:54,900 It can be a pretty volatile emotion, it can definitely create a lot of chaos in our lives, 7 00:00:54,900 --> 00:01:03,860 but when we learn to kind of harness the energy of anger, it can be a really transformative 8 00:01:03,860 --> 00:01:19,880 tool for our growth and expansion and even deepening our relationships. 9 00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:29,680 I want to reflect on an experience this week that stands out in my mind because it made 10 00:01:29,680 --> 00:01:46,960 me so angry and usually for me the pattern around my anger is it not, hasn't been so 11 00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:56,560 productive so usually what happens is there will be some kind of event, a stimulus if 12 00:01:56,560 --> 00:02:11,520 you will that will trigger my anger and often I'll go into blame or attack, attack and 13 00:02:11,520 --> 00:02:19,640 when I say attack that generally means verbal or even non-verbal like withdrawing out of 14 00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:30,360 anger or some of the passive aggressive things that we do out of our anger are all kind of 15 00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:34,160 forms of attack. 16 00:02:34,160 --> 00:02:49,680 So either basically anytime anger comes up in me in relationship it leads to disconnection 17 00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:57,360 and what I'm discovering about anger, this is an ongoing process, probably the most challenging 18 00:02:57,360 --> 00:03:14,840 emotion that I try to work with but what I'm learning is that anger can be a really wise 19 00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:20,680 teacher for us if we learn how to turn towards it. 20 00:03:20,680 --> 00:03:28,040 So there's someone who's very close to me who I have a very challenging relationship 21 00:03:28,040 --> 00:03:30,280 with this person. 22 00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:41,040 We love each other deeply and dearly and you know but for whatever reason we trigger each 23 00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:52,880 other you know it doesn't feel like a safe connection because often there's misunderstanding 24 00:03:52,880 --> 00:04:04,080 and judgment and all of the things that lead to an anger response. 25 00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:22,080 So in our typical fashion pattern we were in conversation and I asked a question that 26 00:04:22,080 --> 00:04:33,920 was upsetting for this person and in response they were making requests. 27 00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:42,520 Another important part as a side note I just want to say another important part of the 28 00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:51,160 work I do is learning how to better communicate using the framework of nonviolent communication. 29 00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:58,040 I highly recommend that if you're working on your communication skills that you explore 30 00:04:58,040 --> 00:05:09,120 this framework, it was founded by Marshall Rosenberg and it has been a helpful tool as 31 00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:16,440 I navigate conflict in relationship. 32 00:05:16,440 --> 00:05:23,320 So one of the things I've learned from this is learning how to objectively state what 33 00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:24,320 happens. 34 00:05:24,320 --> 00:05:30,600 If you'll notice I'm being very intentional about how I'm describing the experience and 35 00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:41,600 doing my best not to place blame because another powerful practice in our emotional landscape 36 00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:50,600 is learning how to take radical responsibility for the emotions. 37 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:58,000 One important lesson that anger has taught me this year is that just because I'm mad 38 00:05:58,000 --> 00:06:04,080 doesn't mean they're wrong. 39 00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:09,560 Talk about a tough pill to swallow because if my patterning has always been to blame 40 00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:16,880 the other and to make them wrong because I'm angry then there's really no way forward 41 00:06:16,880 --> 00:06:17,880 from there. 42 00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:24,200 I've made the person I'm in relationship with, I've essentially made them the enemy. 43 00:06:24,200 --> 00:06:30,240 They are the cause of my pain and my hurt and my suffering and my anger. 44 00:06:30,240 --> 00:06:34,880 They are wrong. 45 00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:37,280 Not necessarily. 46 00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:42,280 So we were having a conversation. 47 00:06:42,280 --> 00:06:52,840 I asked a question, the question was triggering for them so they made some requests of me 48 00:06:52,840 --> 00:07:02,880 about when you ask a question, could you XYZ or things like that. 49 00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:11,400 The way I received that, normally when I ask a question I generally feel like I'm reaching 50 00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:13,200 for connection. 51 00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:19,480 I want to get to know somebody or learn something. 52 00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:23,600 I'll ask for a place of genuine curiosity. 53 00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:36,840 So receiving a request in this manner made my, made was, well forgive me as I kind of 54 00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:42,640 stumbled through this story because I guess part of me is still processing it but basically 55 00:07:42,640 --> 00:07:47,880 when they made this request it was hard for me to receive. 56 00:07:47,880 --> 00:07:50,480 It felt like criticism. 57 00:07:50,480 --> 00:08:04,600 It felt like I did something wrong and I was being kind of, my perception, my experience 58 00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:11,800 was, oh this person is correcting me and making me wrong when all I wanted to do was connect 59 00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:17,160 and talk and have a conversation. 60 00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:19,360 So I got angry. 61 00:08:19,360 --> 00:08:21,640 I got defensive. 62 00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:30,840 My defenses went up and once that happens, once my defenses go up, there's really, it 63 00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:36,440 breaks down the opportunity to connect. 64 00:08:36,440 --> 00:08:43,840 Once the walls go up, once the defenses go up, there's no, it's hard to hear what your 65 00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:51,160 supposed adversary is saying because once you've made them the enemy, you're automatically 66 00:08:51,160 --> 00:08:54,880 put on your guard. 67 00:08:54,880 --> 00:09:00,960 And this, like I said, this is an ongoing pattern with me and this person. 68 00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:10,440 We've been trying for years to work through this. 69 00:09:10,440 --> 00:09:21,720 So I got upset, she got upset and it just got messy again and this pattern has just become 70 00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:27,960 exhausting and I realized that, you know, this is a person that I deeply care about and 71 00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:42,080 I want in my life and if that's going to happen, we need to, I need to take radical responsibility 72 00:09:42,080 --> 00:09:48,240 for my anger and learn how to engage with anger in more productive ways, in ways that 73 00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:57,920 don't lead to shutdown. 74 00:09:57,920 --> 00:10:10,320 Usually recovery time from these kinds of disagreements is in the past has taken months, months 75 00:10:10,320 --> 00:10:12,320 and months, weeks. 76 00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:13,560 Yeah. 77 00:10:13,560 --> 00:10:19,160 It's very long drawn out, we come to the stalemate or no one's talking to the other person because 78 00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:25,160 each person is convinced that the other person is wrong. 79 00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:32,440 And when we live in the world of binary, black, white, wrong, right, wrong, there's, 80 00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:48,680 you know, there's no room for nuance, there's no room for understanding one another. 81 00:10:48,680 --> 00:10:58,160 Once I've made the person wrong, I give my power away essentially. 82 00:10:58,160 --> 00:11:05,920 I hold onto my anger until they do the thing that I think is right. 83 00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:16,360 I don't know about you, but that has never worked for me as much as we try to essentially 84 00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:19,560 what that kind of behavior is, is manipulation. 85 00:11:19,560 --> 00:11:23,960 It's like, I'm going to withhold my love, I'm going to withhold my communication. 86 00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:38,080 I'm going to punish you essentially until you do the thing that I think is right. 87 00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:46,080 And when two people are in this dynamic of believing I'm right and you're wrong, there's 88 00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:52,360 nowhere to go from there. 89 00:11:52,360 --> 00:12:00,680 So after things got heated, both of us needed to take a step back, we went into our typical, 90 00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:08,440 this isn't a safe relationship and I can't talk to you and don't talk to me. 91 00:12:08,440 --> 00:12:14,040 You know what that looks like, you've been there. 92 00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:23,040 So because anger really puts me in a tailspin, I have to, you know, what helps me is returning 93 00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:30,600 to my practices, especially like somatic practices, like getting into the body, breathing, feeling 94 00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:38,720 the anger, like acknowledging it, treating it like a little kid throwing a tantrum. 95 00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:55,160 You don't match the energy of the kid throwing the tantrum, you hold space for them and basically 96 00:12:55,160 --> 00:13:01,160 validate their feelings and let them have their feelings, let them have their tantrum, 97 00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:10,720 let essentially hold a safe space for them too until they can settle back down. 98 00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:26,600 So you know, I took a nice bath, used my bath salts, like did some breathing and reflecting. 99 00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:41,240 When I calmed down, I tried my hardest to put myself in their shoes. 100 00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:55,080 An important part of nonviolent communication is listening and listening for understanding. 101 00:13:55,080 --> 00:14:07,600 And so when I reflected on the conversation, I said, okay, this person is trying to express 102 00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:11,080 something, trying to communicate something. 103 00:14:11,080 --> 00:14:29,160 Let's see if I can get to the meaning behind their words. 104 00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:30,160 It's hard. 105 00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:31,880 It's not an easy process. 106 00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:46,000 It's a practice and it's messy and it's far from elegant and you gotta really face your 107 00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:49,280 shit when it comes to this kind of work. 108 00:14:49,280 --> 00:15:02,840 This taking radical responsibility is not like, it's not our default, so learning how 109 00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:18,320 to do it in a mindful, intentional way is important if you want to be able to engage 110 00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:25,160 or at least have a healthier relationship with your anger. 111 00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:36,160 And this isn't to say that anytime you're angry that we need to like, we're wrong for 112 00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:37,160 being angry. 113 00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:38,880 We're not wrong for being angry. 114 00:15:38,880 --> 00:15:41,700 No one is wrong for making us angry. 115 00:15:41,700 --> 00:15:51,320 No one can really make you angry, but the thing is like, our anger sheds light on a 116 00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:52,320 wound. 117 00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:54,240 Our anger is a message. 118 00:15:54,240 --> 00:16:05,080 Our anger is really, it's a signal and sometimes it's a signal that a boundary has been crossed 119 00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:16,640 and sometimes it's a signal that a need hasn't been met. 120 00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:28,320 And then the onus is on us to set a boundaries appropriately to learn ways of having our 121 00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:32,720 needs met. 122 00:16:32,720 --> 00:16:42,360 Not expecting anyone else to meet those needs for you. 123 00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:48,760 Now it's wonderful if you're in a connection with someone who's available to offer you 124 00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:54,120 the things that you need, but in reality that's not always how things work. 125 00:16:54,120 --> 00:17:02,480 And if you are in a dynamic where you have to use anger as a way of getting what you 126 00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:13,880 want, I'd encourage you to examine that pattern if that's available to you. 127 00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:26,440 Even if that idea seems completely novel, having an openness to take full responsibility 128 00:17:26,440 --> 00:17:45,040 for anger when it comes up and know that you can take an empowered stance, instead of giving 129 00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:54,560 your power away from the person that you have essentially made the enemy, you can do some 130 00:17:54,560 --> 00:18:10,440 deep inquiry and ask yourself questions about the story you're telling yourself. 131 00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:20,800 So turning towards this person, we were able to have a much quicker recovery time. 132 00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:32,000 We were able to hear each other, it felt like progress, and although it's still very much 133 00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:44,600 a relationship that feels wobbly, ultimately the pain and the sadness that both of us are 134 00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:53,880 experiencing in this dynamic is a longing for love. 135 00:18:53,880 --> 00:19:03,320 We love each other, but we haven't quite figured out how to best love each other. 136 00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:13,600 And that's my work right now. 137 00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:23,800 And when you start to notice the difficult emotions that come up in one particular relationship 138 00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:31,920 dynamic, you might notice it in others. 139 00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:39,520 I've started noticing where some of the other places where anger comes up for me and I engage 140 00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:56,000 in this story in my head about making this person an enemy or making I make assumptions 141 00:19:56,000 --> 00:20:13,440 about this person or this event or the situation is the cause of my anger. 142 00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:16,040 Thanks for listening. 143 00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:29,680 I hope this reflection has given you perhaps a new way of engaging with some of your more 144 00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:35,840 difficult emotions. 145 00:20:35,840 --> 00:20:42,240 And with that, let's get into our practice for today. 146 00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:47,800 Find a comfortable seat. 147 00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:57,040 You can either sit upright or lie down for this practice and as always, if you need to 148 00:20:57,040 --> 00:21:03,480 pause and come back to it, this recording is here for you whenever you're ready for 149 00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:05,800 it. 150 00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:17,120 And as you settle in, allow the eyes to close, begin connecting with your breath. 151 00:21:17,120 --> 00:21:21,240 Gently place the hands on the belly. 152 00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:25,640 We'll take three big full deep breaths here. 153 00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:30,960 And as you inhale, notice your belly expand. 154 00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:38,400 And as you exhale, notice the belly contract. 155 00:21:38,400 --> 00:21:52,400 Take a big full deep breath into the belly and let it go. 156 00:21:52,400 --> 00:22:00,160 One more time, take a big deep breath in through the nose, expanding the lungs, filling the 157 00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:14,560 belly, and let it go. 158 00:22:14,560 --> 00:22:30,000 And one more time, take a deep breath in, filling the belly, let it go. 159 00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:45,720 And remembering that our breath is a faithful companion on our journey through the human 160 00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:52,720 experience. 161 00:22:52,720 --> 00:23:01,120 As you sit here quietly, continue following the belly breaths, big deep inhale into the 162 00:23:01,120 --> 00:23:08,480 belly, and a full exhale out the mouth. 163 00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:31,680 And I invite you to sit here with your inhale and your exhale for as long as you wish. 164 00:23:31,680 --> 00:23:50,840 And when you're ready, you can come back to the room, open your eyes. 165 00:23:50,840 --> 00:24:03,640 And I wish you an easeful day.