Hello, my name is Sabrina Amina and this is the Feelings Pod.
I'm an educator, a holistic health coach, and in this podcast I share experiences of
navigating the different emotions of our human experience using the tools of mindfulness.
Today's episode is about alchemizing anger.
Anger is a pretty...
It can be a pretty volatile emotion, it can definitely create a lot of chaos in our lives,
but when we learn to kind of harness the energy of anger, it can be a really transformative
tool for our growth and expansion and even deepening our relationships.
I want to reflect on an experience this week that stands out in my mind because it made
me so angry and usually for me the pattern around my anger is it not, hasn't been so
productive so usually what happens is there will be some kind of event, a stimulus if
you will that will trigger my anger and often I'll go into blame or attack, attack and
when I say attack that generally means verbal or even non-verbal like withdrawing out of
anger or some of the passive aggressive things that we do out of our anger are all kind of
forms of attack.
So either basically anytime anger comes up in me in relationship it leads to disconnection
and what I'm discovering about anger, this is an ongoing process, probably the most challenging
emotion that I try to work with but what I'm learning is that anger can be a really wise
teacher for us if we learn how to turn towards it.
So there's someone who's very close to me who I have a very challenging relationship
with this person.
We love each other deeply and dearly and you know but for whatever reason we trigger each
other you know it doesn't feel like a safe connection because often there's misunderstanding
and judgment and all of the things that lead to an anger response.
So in our typical fashion pattern we were in conversation and I asked a question that
was upsetting for this person and in response they were making requests.
Another important part as a side note I just want to say another important part of the
work I do is learning how to better communicate using the framework of nonviolent communication.
I highly recommend that if you're working on your communication skills that you explore
this framework, it was founded by Marshall Rosenberg and it has been a helpful tool as
I navigate conflict in relationship.
So one of the things I've learned from this is learning how to objectively state what
happens.
If you'll notice I'm being very intentional about how I'm describing the experience and
doing my best not to place blame because another powerful practice in our emotional landscape
is learning how to take radical responsibility for the emotions.
One important lesson that anger has taught me this year is that just because I'm mad
doesn't mean they're wrong.
Talk about a tough pill to swallow because if my patterning has always been to blame
the other and to make them wrong because I'm angry then there's really no way forward
from there.
I've made the person I'm in relationship with, I've essentially made them the enemy.
They are the cause of my pain and my hurt and my suffering and my anger.
They are wrong.
Not necessarily.
So we were having a conversation.
I asked a question, the question was triggering for them so they made some requests of me
about when you ask a question, could you XYZ or things like that.
The way I received that, normally when I ask a question I generally feel like I'm reaching
for connection.
I want to get to know somebody or learn something.
I'll ask for a place of genuine curiosity.
So receiving a request in this manner made my, made was, well forgive me as I kind of
stumbled through this story because I guess part of me is still processing it but basically
when they made this request it was hard for me to receive.
It felt like criticism.
It felt like I did something wrong and I was being kind of, my perception, my experience
was, oh this person is correcting me and making me wrong when all I wanted to do was connect
and talk and have a conversation.
So I got angry.
I got defensive.
My defenses went up and once that happens, once my defenses go up, there's really, it
breaks down the opportunity to connect.
Once the walls go up, once the defenses go up, there's no, it's hard to hear what your
supposed adversary is saying because once you've made them the enemy, you're automatically
put on your guard.
And this, like I said, this is an ongoing pattern with me and this person.
We've been trying for years to work through this.
So I got upset, she got upset and it just got messy again and this pattern has just become
exhausting and I realized that, you know, this is a person that I deeply care about and
I want in my life and if that's going to happen, we need to, I need to take radical responsibility
for my anger and learn how to engage with anger in more productive ways, in ways that
don't lead to shutdown.
Usually recovery time from these kinds of disagreements is in the past has taken months, months
and months, weeks.
Yeah.
It's very long drawn out, we come to the stalemate or no one's talking to the other person because
each person is convinced that the other person is wrong.
And when we live in the world of binary, black, white, wrong, right, wrong, there's,
you know, there's no room for nuance, there's no room for understanding one another.
Once I've made the person wrong, I give my power away essentially.
I hold onto my anger until they do the thing that I think is right.
I don't know about you, but that has never worked for me as much as we try to essentially
what that kind of behavior is, is manipulation.
It's like, I'm going to withhold my love, I'm going to withhold my communication.
I'm going to punish you essentially until you do the thing that I think is right.
And when two people are in this dynamic of believing I'm right and you're wrong, there's
nowhere to go from there.
So after things got heated, both of us needed to take a step back, we went into our typical,
this isn't a safe relationship and I can't talk to you and don't talk to me.
You know what that looks like, you've been there.
So because anger really puts me in a tailspin, I have to, you know, what helps me is returning
to my practices, especially like somatic practices, like getting into the body, breathing, feeling
the anger, like acknowledging it, treating it like a little kid throwing a tantrum.
You don't match the energy of the kid throwing the tantrum, you hold space for them and basically
validate their feelings and let them have their feelings, let them have their tantrum,
let essentially hold a safe space for them too until they can settle back down.
So you know, I took a nice bath, used my bath salts, like did some breathing and reflecting.
When I calmed down, I tried my hardest to put myself in their shoes.
An important part of nonviolent communication is listening and listening for understanding.
And so when I reflected on the conversation, I said, okay, this person is trying to express
something, trying to communicate something.
Let's see if I can get to the meaning behind their words.
It's hard.
It's not an easy process.
It's a practice and it's messy and it's far from elegant and you gotta really face your
shit when it comes to this kind of work.
This taking radical responsibility is not like, it's not our default, so learning how
to do it in a mindful, intentional way is important if you want to be able to engage
or at least have a healthier relationship with your anger.
And this isn't to say that anytime you're angry that we need to like, we're wrong for
being angry.
We're not wrong for being angry.
No one is wrong for making us angry.
No one can really make you angry, but the thing is like, our anger sheds light on a
wound.
Our anger is a message.
Our anger is really, it's a signal and sometimes it's a signal that a boundary has been crossed
and sometimes it's a signal that a need hasn't been met.
And then the onus is on us to set a boundaries appropriately to learn ways of having our
needs met.
Not expecting anyone else to meet those needs for you.
Now it's wonderful if you're in a connection with someone who's available to offer you
the things that you need, but in reality that's not always how things work.
And if you are in a dynamic where you have to use anger as a way of getting what you
want, I'd encourage you to examine that pattern if that's available to you.
Even if that idea seems completely novel, having an openness to take full responsibility
for anger when it comes up and know that you can take an empowered stance, instead of giving
your power away from the person that you have essentially made the enemy, you can do some
deep inquiry and ask yourself questions about the story you're telling yourself.
So turning towards this person, we were able to have a much quicker recovery time.
We were able to hear each other, it felt like progress, and although it's still very much
a relationship that feels wobbly, ultimately the pain and the sadness that both of us are
experiencing in this dynamic is a longing for love.
We love each other, but we haven't quite figured out how to best love each other.
And that's my work right now.
And when you start to notice the difficult emotions that come up in one particular relationship
dynamic, you might notice it in others.
I've started noticing where some of the other places where anger comes up for me and I engage
in this story in my head about making this person an enemy or making I make assumptions
about this person or this event or the situation is the cause of my anger.
Thanks for listening.
I hope this reflection has given you perhaps a new way of engaging with some of your more
difficult emotions.
And with that, let's get into our practice for today.
Find a comfortable seat.
You can either sit upright or lie down for this practice and as always, if you need to
pause and come back to it, this recording is here for you whenever you're ready for
it.
And as you settle in, allow the eyes to close, begin connecting with your breath.
Gently place the hands on the belly.
We'll take three big full deep breaths here.
And as you inhale, notice your belly expand.
And as you exhale, notice the belly contract.
Take a big full deep breath into the belly and let it go.
One more time, take a big deep breath in through the nose, expanding the lungs, filling the
belly, and let it go.
And one more time, take a deep breath in, filling the belly, let it go.
And remembering that our breath is a faithful companion on our journey through the human
experience.
As you sit here quietly, continue following the belly breaths, big deep inhale into the
belly, and a full exhale out the mouth.
And I invite you to sit here with your inhale and your exhale for as long as you wish.
And when you're ready, you can come back to the room, open your eyes.
And I wish you an easeful day.