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Get off your latrine it's episode

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15 oh my god, I lost count

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Oh

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All right today did I just echo I'm hallucinating today we're gonna talk about

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Family I do

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Family what's the family matters team song real love the family

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Can a worms family families an interesting one because

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Families can look very different. They're just each family is completely different

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depending on the person like not only

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What it's made up of is their mother father

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brother sister other people uncle other

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Mother-dutter

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Butter family things other shapes other forms other formats for a family could be anything

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Not only that but also every family

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Hive kind of has its own little family culture going on and also is kind of the blending of

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Other cultures like in-laws and stuff like that

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Different little mini family cultures coming together and making

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Venn diagram flowers of different smushing things of habits and trauma and all kinds of stuff mixed up in the family soup

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and

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So what is a family? What is a family to me?

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I mean the most basic definition to me of a family is who are the people who were

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Supposed to be meeting your basic needs when you were a young vulnerable child

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I mean that's your first perception of family of

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mother father person sibling whoever is there for you

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and that's your first impression of

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Kind of the world and people the world and the world's gonna be nice to you or not

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If the world's gonna accept you or not

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If people are safe to be around

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How to interact with people it's your really your baseline

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relationship with

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Your life with everything in your life that is human

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So that's a really

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important foundational step in someone's life is like who are the people

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Who are supposed to be meeting my needs what needs are being met?

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What needs are not being met? What does this say about me?

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What does this say about the world and it impacts you for the rest?

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I mean in theory for much of your life

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You can do a certain amount of healing and that can be very helpful, but

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All in all we haven't found a total cure for the wounds of childhood. They kind of

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Just make you who you are

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or at least give you a starting off point to become who you are very interesting

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And

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Yeah, I mean I wonder about that I wonder about

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You know if certain needs weren't met for me as a child

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Did I just grow to expect them to never be met and

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therefore do I not go after meeting those needs and

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And certain other needs I always had met and because I have the expectation of those needs always being met

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Does that make getting those needs met profoundly easier to me than to then someone else who didn't have those needs met initially?

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Or did them not having their needs met initially?

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Give them the strength to overcome that and pursue those needs even more

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I mean it really is a nature and nurture interaction at that point, isn't it like two people can go through the same

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level of trauma and come out of it in

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Profoundly different ways and affected in profoundly different ways. I mean case-in-point Oprah

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I don't know if you love her hater, but man

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difficult childhood and

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Came out what is she a billionaire? She must be close

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Crazy

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All right

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So let's talk about like parents or parental figures. I mean there's a lot going on there

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There's also the parents of parents right the grandparents or whoever raised the people who were raising you

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And that impacts the way they raise you

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sometimes it's that they didn't have certain needs met and so they overcompensate by

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By overwhelming you with too much of that need, you know like somebody who grew up in

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In starvation always trying to feed feed feed their kids

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You can see this in certain cultures

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That that lived through famine eat eat

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You know because there wasn't always food and now the kids have food so eat it eat more

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You know in the same could be said with

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Love and attention like maybe someone didn't get enough love and attention when they were a child

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So now they pour all their love and all their attention on the child's at the point where the child may or may not feel a little bit overwhelmed

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And it may present some problems when the kid becomes a teenager and starts needing to self differentiate

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starts needing to

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separate themselves from

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That loving gaze and figure out who they are without it or who they are separate from it

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Because in the end it's fulfilling a need for the child, but if it's to the point of overwhelming

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It's really the parent treating the child like the parent that they never had and

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Isn't that so sad?

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And that's hard and that's scary about parenting a child isn't it that it's just gonna bring up all of those

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Kind of

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realized potentials of

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the corners that left that were not safe to explore as a child of

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That maybe would have been safe under other circumstances

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Family also means for a lot of people and not everyone siblings

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Siblings and that is to me your first experience of

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competition

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Competition and how you're gonna outshine or undershine or where you're gonna fall in the hierarchy of society

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In terms of getting your needs met because when there's multiple children, you know, there's only so much attention and love

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And money that can come from the parents

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And then so the children find their own little

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You know children are kind of a little bit sociopathic because their brains haven't fully developed yet

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And they you know so they devise these interesting ways and they're not conscious of this but of trying to manipulate their parents to get the love and

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attention that they need

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And that's in the face of the the very real

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Composition that their siblings are having with them to get also get that love and attention now for me having been the

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youngest in the family

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You know, obviously I've spent my whole life trying to figure out what that meant and

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if maybe I would be

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If I would have been a more successful person as a firstborn

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Or I don't know what is a middle child?

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Maybe also more successful, but as the youngest I mean youngest children are often entertainers

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They're often the goofier ones and I think it's because they come into a situation that's already quite tense

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There's a fierce level of

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Competitiveness for the attention and their parents attention is already divided when they're born other unlike the

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Firstborn where they just get all of both parents attention when they're little

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But me being the youngest of three my parents was our attention and love was already divided between two other people

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I'm the third one coming in so it's like

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You know you go with what works so in the end I think I

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Conceded that I was gonna get less

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Less attention

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necessarily from my parents and then maybe my siblings got when they were younger

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But also, but I could get more attention from them by being kind of

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The agreeable one or the the silly one or the one that's always okay with everything

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that that would make

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Them grateful that they have this third child. That's kind of just easy

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And that's how I would win their affection. I mean I must have unconsciously come to that conclusion

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Extremely young or or maybe I didn't or I'm just naturally

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More okay with things and that's just my nature and had I had a different

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Set of genetic predispositions

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I wouldn't have just been agreeable and okay with everything and everything would have been different

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And maybe they would have hated me. I don't know

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But family at the end of the day

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Who they're supposed to be are the ones that always have your back no matter what they're your original understanding of love and trust

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And if you don't have that I'm so sorry and hopefully you have found a chosen family that can serve that function in your life

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Because there's always other people out there

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Good people that you can build trust with and create relationships with and hopefully

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Cultivate your own family culture where you can truly thrive and truly get the love and support that you never got when you were a child

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But when I think of family

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I think of like those are the people that like one shit really fucking hits the fan like you can stay with them

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They will help you they've got your back

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No matter what because a lot of the time you share genetics and I think there's some kind of natural predisposition to looking out for people

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That have part of you in them

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But not necessarily because chosen family can be just as strong

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Yeah, so just people that have your back no matter what people that you always know you can go to

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Even if you haven't been talking to so much

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Even if your relationship is kind of on the fritz at the end of the day like if you're starving if you're homeless

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If if you know you're really ill they in theory

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I mean and obviously lots of people don't do this but but family should have your back and should care

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They should care if you're dying

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God this got really dark

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and

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I count myself very lucky to have grown up in a loving

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Family that the world all my basic needs were met and I really do know

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That they have my back and I have theirs and even if you know things are hard sometimes

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And obviously we've had our own ups and downs and problems, but

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I'm really grateful for that and I hope everybody listening has the chance to experience that feeling of safety and security

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You