What's up y'all? So we are back with another episode of Wholesome Black Girl.
And I just wanna, we doing a solo episode today because we just want to talk about
where we at in life, like in regards to like love, like what we doing career-wise.
Just everything really. Do you want to do a mental health check-in first or you want me to go?
I can go first. Okay. So mental health check-in. I am a lot better than where I was a couple weeks
ago, like a week ago. I'm still grieving my uncle. However, just thinking about his role in my life
and how I always said like I wasn't around a man that like showed love and was very like committed.
When I think back on his relationship with my aunt, which was his wife for like over 30 years,
I'm like, no, like I was telling my therapist, I was like, he was a man. Like he was a man.
He might've complained about my aunt. He may have complained about doing whatever he needed to do
or she needed from him, but nothing in this world would stop him from doing something for her.
He could be dead in his sleep and she's like, I need to go here and there. He's gonna get his
ass up, cuss her out, but get up and do it. And I'm like, no, like, and even the way that he took
care of me and my other cousins with her, like he would take us on walks with their dog. He would
like make sure that we were fed. When she wanted to go to the casino, we would be in the car with
him. He would be sleep feeding us. Like, so was he kind of like a father figure? He was more so than
the man that took the role, like for my mom, which is another uncle of mine, but he's a selfish man.
I love him still too, but he just really was like a bad dad. Like he just really was bad. But he
not only was a father figure to me, but he showed me what a real committed marriage is like. Like
he did till death do them part. Like he, even if he thought she was doing something, he would be
blowing up her phone. You better not be one now, nigga. And I was just like, yo, like no matter how
much he complained, like no matter how much he be like massive eye roll, cause my aunt is like a
handful. I was like, he loved her so much. Like there was no denying it. So like with, I guess
it was like a blessing and a curse. Like it opened my eyes up. And like also let me know like what I
want out of a person and even from myself. Like I want to be able to commit myself to a person like
that. Like no matter how much I like complain or be like, Oh my gosh, this nigga is getting on my
fucking nerves. I'm still going to show up for him. Cause like that's my, like that's my person.
Like they were like, that was his, that was his wife and she was, that was her husband.
Right. I definitely desire that too. Like I definitely meet my person. But I mean,
do you have any good news that like happened for you these past couple of weeks?
I'm just still here. Like I don't, I'm not like in such a dark place. Like nothing really is going
on. Like I guess like just me being able to still have my job and still be able to like have like
flourishing friendships and relationships and stuff like that. Getting like headways on like
me moving out, God willing it'll happen before my birthday or it will. We got manifested,
but like for sure it's just like me just actually being like stable. Right. Like my mind is not
working against me. That's definitely something to be grateful for too, just to be stable.
For me, my mental health check in, I don't know. I'll be having some days where I'll be feeling
like unstoppable and like on top of the world. And then I have recently, I've discovered like
I've had days where I'm just very numb. Like you ever be so depressed where like you can't cry,
but like you're just numb as fuck. You don't feel anything. And that's just how I've been
like these past couple of days. I think it has a lot to do with like just work and adjusting to
adulthood. And also I'm going through like a lot of changes. Like I'm supposed to be moving soon
and I always get nervous. Like when something big is about to happen, because I feel like something
bad is going to happen at the same time. So I don't know. I'm kind of numb. I also,
I don't want to say I'm completely numb. I just have some days where I'm just very numb,
but I've also had like a situation where like somebody that I was dealing with,
they actually told me that they wasn't like, after half a year, they told me that like they
wasn't feeling me basically. Okay. Let's not, let's, he didn't say that. He just said that
he would rather be fun. He wasn't drawn to me. Romantically. Which that would hurt anybody's
feelings. However, he did, he did still say that he wanted to be a part of your life and that he
believed in you and what you want to do for your career. And I respect that. I'm always have love
for him and I'm always support him. But like, I don't know. That's what I was going to ask you.
I was like, do I have to stop listening to them? No, you know, I still support like just from far
because it's like, I can't, once I liked you, I can't be friends with you. Well, that's not true.
I guess with him, it was like a different level of like for me because, oh my God, I really don't
want to be saying this kind of stuff. I know he watches it, but it's like, well, fuck it. He should
know how you feel. Like actually. Okay. So it was like a different level of like that I had from
him compared to like the other guys that I've dealt with, like the other guys that I dealt with,
like, I don't know. I feel like they was like real dickheads and I don't feel like this particular
person like, yeah, like, cause we was talking about in the root. He did some dickhead shit. However,
he's not a dickhead. Yeah, he's not. We not slandering you. Yeah. I really liked him. So
it's like, once I like you in that manner, I can't just. I think that you really liked him,
but I also think that you romanticized him a little just because it was like, he was so
vastly different from what you dealt with before. Yeah. And I think I just naturally just got excited.
Like when you never dealt with somebody like that and you finally like come across it, you just
naturally you get excited. So I think that's what that was. In some ways you put such humanity out
of him though, because it was like, he's this person, like this big person that like, I finally
found the person that I like, I could see myself actually like having a connection with. And also
like he, he checked a lot of those boxes off though. Like a lot of boxes. I do feel like he,
I feel like he lied about a lot of shit though. Yeah. I feel like he was definitely watching
them fucking stories. We was talking about this shit in the group chat. He morphed into that
nigga like, but it was easy because he had already had some of that stuff. You know what I'm saying?
Right. To be honest, he said, Oh, this is me, but I can play it up a little bit. That's how I feel.
That's how I feel too. I, and I thought I was the only one that felt that way. I was like,
I'm the only one that felt that way. But you know, I'm cool. I'm going to be cool. I'm going to be good.
Just cause I wasn't the one for him, which I didn't necessarily like want a relationship with him. I
was just like kind of interested in like exploring, like, yeah, just seeing how things went and just,
yeah, just, just seeing where, how far that would go. But I mean, I'm cool. Just cause I wasn't the
one for him. That don't mean shit. Cause I'm the one for me. Period. So that's where, that's really
where I'm at. Like I was, my feelings was really hurt over there. Like really, really hurt. And
rightfully so though. Cause like, yeah, rightfully so. It's a, it's a lot more I want to say, but I'm
not going to say because I'm still kind of irritated about it. Oh, it's a lot more that I want to say.
I felt bad because like I, the day after I kind of like, I was at work. You didn't tell me that part.
I was at work. She told me everything else. She, well, no, you did tell me. No, I was working on
overnight shifts and I started thinking about this shit and I like sent him like a little essay
and I'm like, damn. And I kind of, I ain't curse him out. I just told him like he was a fuck nigga.
Cause he, he is like, people probably gonna be confused watching this cause I'm not saying
everything that I feel and what was going on, but like he did some fuck nigga shit to me. And I got
confirmation from, I talked to my granddad about it too. Oh, my granddad was so mad. He was like,
now Kamri. He was like, he was like Kamri. He was like, I don't care what that man tell you. He was
like, he, he been showed you that he only likes you in that kind of way. And I'm like, yeah, I feel.
Now, now we, we in the group chat did be, we were like, now Kamri. I success the situation
and I feel like, I feel like even I had said, like, did you ever consider that he just want to be
friends with you? And it was actually the day before he actually said all that stuff. And you were like,
I'm going to be so mad if he do that. I had figured that though, but what pissed me off is that like,
I will always ask him, I'd be like, you know, like, do you even fuck with me? Do you like me like that?
And he'd be, he'd be telling me like, oh no, like you overthinking it, like relax. Cause niggas are
like, niggas are really crazy like that. And that's, that's also what made me mad. Cause it's like,
I would constantly ask you like, cause he would just do certain stuff that would just give off like,
oh, I don't really fuck with you like that. But look, look, long story short, never, ever, ever tell a man
how you feel about him. Like kill yourself before you do that. Hang yourself before you tell a man
how you feel. Shoot yourself in the head before you tell a man how you feel. Don't ever do that.
Unless he does it to you, unless he tells you first that he likes you, do not, do not be like me.
Don't be a dumb bitch like me. But that's, I don't know. I feel like I'm kind of over the whole
dating thing. Like I'm just going to focus on myself right now. Like I'm kind of over it. Like
my feelings get hurt too much and I just would rather not deal with the male species right now.
I kind of like hate them. So I think it was a mixture of like, for real, for real, I think it
was a mixture of you not wanting to see certain things and then him like telling you what you
wanted to hear. Right. Like you would be like, what does this mean? And we'd be like, no, cause he's so
fucking vague. But then again, I also think it's because like I do have anxiety. So I'll be thinking
maybe I'm overthinking it. Like maybe I really am. So that's why I would always ask him. I'd be like,
you know. But then instead of him being honest, like completely honest, he would just be like,
no. And you know them artsy niggas, they got away with words. Like they really do. Like they,
they, I can't, what did you say in a group chat about them artsy niggas? What did you say?
Damn, I don't remember. You know, I just be saying shit.
But they have a way with words. And I feel like, I also feel like a lot of men, they do a lot of like
fuck nigga shit, but like they think, yeah. And cursive. And they think that like they are good
dude because they didn't go about it the way. I said it in a calm voice. Yeah. Like it's like,
I said, I didn't want a relationship with you, but I didn't say, bitch, I want to be with you. I said,
I don't think I'm not drawn to you. Romantically. He'd always be speaking in cold. Like it was
always bad. Like that's, that's nothing. Now I think of it. Now that I think back on it,
like the nigga was always speaking in cold and it would just irritate me. Like I remember,
oh, this is when I should have known. I once, I was like, do you even like me? And he was like,
what do you mean by like? I still can't get over that. We shouldn't have let you go through that.
It was a lot of shit bro. Like, and people, again, people that's watching it probably gonna
be a little confused. Cause I'm not even saying everything, but it was a lot of shit that I had
picked up on. It was little things though. I want to give an example y'all. I want to give an example
cause I feel like I should be able to speak on this. And he the one who did it to you. Yeah. I
think I should be able to speak on this. First of all, this particular person, I don't want,
oh my God, I don't want to give away. Okay. Fuck it. We're already here. Fuck it. This
particular person, they had like a showcase or whatever and they was performing. Mind you,
he invited me, he was over at my crib and I was like, oh, you know, I, I noticed that he kept
posting like a, um, like a flyer for this event. And I was like, oh yeah, I saw this. You got like
a concert coming up or whatever. He was like, yeah, you should come. I'm like, oh, all right.
But I said, I'll come. I invited my friends that was in the group chat. Shout out to Lex and Erica.
Yes. Kella came and mind you, we, we go, we get there like pretty early. Um, kind of early.
Niggas didn't even have their costumes on. We were like the first people there. And he saw,
he saw me and Kella and he did not speak to me whatsoever. And then, um, my other two friends
came. He still, he still ain't speak to me at all. And mind you, I'm very embarrassed because
I'm very, I was very supportive of this nigga and I'm, I'm just a genuine ass person. So when he used
to post like his little freestyles and stuff and like his videos and all that stuff, I would send
it in a group chat. I'd be like, y'all like, y'all need to check this nigga out. Like he times his
fuck. So imagine you going to a nigga, you that supportive of a nigga. Like you stream, you listen
to his music. And again, I still listen to his music. Like it's, it's no bad blood or nothing,
but this is just my experience. But imagine you listening to a nigga, like you supportive as fuck.
You go to his showcase and he don't even speak to you. So he told me whatever, whatever, whatever.
And then he get off the stage and that's when I go over to her. I'm like, I told him, like, oh,
you know, you did a good job. I'm proud of you. We hug or whatever. And then I'm like, so you
wasn't going to speak to me. He was like, oh, um, I was just, you know, um, it was just, I was getting
ready. Like I was doing my sound check, which is a goddamn motherfucking lie. I just let it go
because I was kind of under the influence and I didn't want to like, I didn't want to like curse
the nigga out. So I just let it go. But, um, now that I like think back on it, that's fucked up.
And I ain't even deserve, a bitch like me ain't even deserve no shit like that. Nobody deserves
to be treated like that. Especially somebody that supports you in that kind of way. I ain't
deserve that at all. And it's not like it was going to make shit high. It wasn't going to make it seem
like you could just came over and said, hi, I was not even that far from the man. And then even after
his sound check, he kept on looking over and it's like, we see you, see us, see you. And even after
his sound check was over, he still ain't come over and say nothing. He didn't say nothing at all.
He didn't, he waited until after he performed, which is like, I had to go up to him. Yeah. He was
like, I had to get my mind right. I said, we watched you say hello to literally everybody in the room.
Everybody, that shit was embarrassing as fuck. And if you watching this, that's some dickhead ass shit.
Again, it's still love for you, still support from afar, but that was some dickhead ass shit.
And a bitch like me did not, I did not deserve no shit like that. It was very embarrassing. It was
very humiliating. I remember Kella was pissed off. Kella was pissed. She was like, do you want me to
say something? Cause I'm like, do you not see this girl standing over here? Like you invited us to
an event. You invited her. Don't even think about me and the other two girls that was with us.
You invited someone. It was very embarrassing. And everyone else that you invited gets a hug,
gets a conversation, and then she has to go up to you all because you don't want to make shit hot.
It doesn't fucking matter. Y'all don't even have to, it's not like we asked you. You could have just
said hi, you know, like. Exactly. Like you acting like the girl was asking you to slap her on the
ass and kiss her on the mouth. Real fucking shit. Like that shit was just very embarrassing for me.
It was very humiliating. It was, it was really a lot of shit that he did that I just,
I just let's lie because I'm like, no, I'm just overthinking it. Like I'm overthinking it. And
then I would come to him about it and he would tell me I was overthinking it. So I, I, you know,
I just, I don't know why I ignored this shit though, but that was, that was very fucking
embarrassing. I did not deserve that at all. And now I know like what, like I'm never going to fuck
with a nigga like that. Like. One, I feel like I think that once you get clearer on like what's
anxiety and what's intuition, that'll be an easier last to make. Cause like, like just to piggyback
off of what you were saying with your situation, like my situation is like kind of the opposite
where like my, my intuition is telling me that he means well, but my anxiety is like very high
and I'm like waiting for shit to fuck up. So I'm so sorry, babe. I know you're watching this,
but like I can, I even have times where I like get real standoffish with him too. Cause I'm just
like, he has so much ammunition to hurt me. Like anything could happen and like everybody else
around me, even my mom was like, Oh gosh, like we're all so terrified. Cause like, I know like,
I don't know how I'm going to necessarily like recover if like he really does break my heart.
Cause I've been like the most, the most vulnerable with him, like the amount of
comfortability that I have with him and like him with me too, like, but sometimes I'd be like,
yo, this all could be a fucking joke. Like I'd be in my head constantly, even though like
my heart is telling me like, no, this is a good person. Like he's actually like,
he's actually like showing up for you in the ways that like he can and that he is. And I'm just like,
I just, when I, when I start liking somebody, I always get nervous and anxious
because I just always expect for things to end. And it's also like, and I understand that everybody
that you meet in your life, they not going to be there for like, not every single person is going
to be in your life for a long time. I get that. But it's just like a lot of times, like, like for
example, the person that I just recently just stopped fucking with, like I wasn't even trying
to like get to know him at all. Like I, I really wasn't at first, like, like how it started.
He didn't pull that out of you, which is like so, which is so like predatory when you really think
about it. Again, there's no love lost between the both of us. We're just talking about your actions
in general. But he don't see it that way at all. Like he don't, like I explained it to him and
everything. Like I broke it down to him. He really don't see like what he did wrong, like at all.
And this is the thing, like how it started was basically like, I came across a nigga Instagram
page and I thought he was fine as shit and I DM'd him. And I'm like, yeah, you know, like,
I was just telling him I had an appreciation. Yeah, yeah, real shit. I was just telling him I had
an appreciation for his, for his art or whatever. And you know, we wanted to fuck it or whatever.
And after that, after we fucked and we had good chemistry that same night or whatever, I noticed,
I'm like, I already got the vibe that like he didn't really want nothing serious. Like I already
got that vibe. So I'm like, oh, all right, I'm going to just play my position. I'm going to just be cool.
I was very like reluctant to even get to know him. I was very like iffy with him, like very iffy.
Like I, all I would, I would just ask, yeah, I would just ask him for a dick. That's all I would
ask him for. And then one day I had posted something and it was like, I don't, I don't want to,
I don't want to say it because I don't want people to know who I'm talking about. But I had posted
something interesting and he, I remember he liked it and then he had texted me. He was like, oh,
why don't, he's like from now on, he's like from now on, why don't you just mention stuff like this
that you like, like why don't you open up more? He was like, you, you always asking for dick,
but you never like, you know, show me this kind of stuff that you're into. And I'm just like, oh,
I'm like, oh, I said, okay, so this nigga must really have an interest in me. Like,
what did you think that as a woman, like if you just fucking somebody at first,
y'all just fucking, and then I know where they would like, oh, I would like for you to,
to show me some more stuff that you're into or like just stuff like that. Why don't you think
like, oh, this person is interested in me. So it was like, but also like, then I think about niggas
and like, I was even, I was even talking to like my man, just about niggas in general, like why
pull all of that out of somebody? Like, why would you pull anything out of anybody like that if you
only want to have a sexual relationship or you only want to be friends? And he was like,
just saying that he was basically saying that vulnerability and friendship go hand in hand when
you really think about it. But I'm like, don't like, you have to make, one thing I want men to
do is make things abundantly clear through words, though. I'm like, his actions were showing like,
hey, I want a friendship, but his words were not. And I feel like, and he may not have even really
wanted to be manipulative, but he still wanted you there. Like I think that he genuinely enjoys you
as a person. Like he genuinely likes to be around you and talk to you and like, and have like
conversation with you, but he didn't know how to tell you that without thinking like, I'm gonna
lose her in general, which I'm like, I feel like if he was more honest from the jump, then y'all,
it would have been like him asking for a friendship. He really wasn't like, he had told me like,
when he texted me that, whatever, because he told me that he came to this conclusion that like,
he's not drawn to me like romantically while he was on some trip. While he was on some trip.
He must have ditched rooms or something. Yo, yo, real shit. He must have ditched rooms. I don't
know. But he said he came to this realization because it was just a very life-changing trip
for him or whatever. And he said that's when he came. I'm sorry. It may have been. He said
that's when he came to that realization. I said, okay. I said, so what man, what changes your life
to just be like, eh, don't like it. I said, so you've liked me platonically this whole time,
correct? And he was like, no, that's not what I'm saying. I'm confused then. I'm just so confused
because if you didn't only like me platonically, so how is it that you go to this particular place
and now all of a sudden it's just like, oh, now I don't even like her in the other way. That means
you've been felt that way. Am I stupid or something? It means you've been felt that way.
What? Literally. And also like, there's so like, relationships are so intricate. Like I was just
because my man asked me if, if we was like, what, what I fuck him if we was just friends. And I was
like, hell fucking no. He was like, but you don't think that we have a friendship in this.
Then I started to think I didn't tell him that he was like, kind of right. So shout out to you. You
was kind of right when I really think about it. Cause it's just like, yikes low key that is a
friendship. If you open up to somebody and take like, and y'all not like in a romance,
like a romantic relationship, like there's no title on it. Technically that is a friendship,
but you just be bumping private parts sometimes. So now the way that I look at everything is so
much different because I'm like, fuck out of here, nigga. You're not fucking right. Cause I'm not
fucking my friends. I really would have been content if he could, if he would have just,
we would have just been fucked buddies. And that's it. Like you just fuck me and then leave. Cause
you, he, this nigga, we would fuck and you staying around three, four hours, like, come on,
leave me to fuck alone. Like you, like you did not have to do all that. So I can see you on the phone
for hours and hours and hours and then like things are progressing. I feel like I'm getting to know
him more. He gets to know me more. And it's just like, just leave me to fuck alone. Like I was
really cool. Like you did not have to put it out on me. I was really cool with us. Just fucking,
like I was cool with it. I think that he really wasn't cool with y'all just fucking. I think that
he really wanted to be your friend, but like, why would you, but the basis of our situation started
from me having a crush on you. So why would I want, that was my thing. That was my thing. I said,
why would you segue into that? Exactly. That's what, Kella bitch. Why would you have sex with me
first? I feel like we could've just went tit for tat type shit. Like we just going to flirt a little
bit. Exactly. I have like, like, I'm not going to lie. Like when I was younger, a lot of my
male friendships was like that. Like there was a tad bit of sexual tension there. Right. Like I've
since grown out of that. But like when I was younger, there was definitely sexual tension
near. Like it was either sexual tension coming from both parties or one party. Like you going
to get your shit off. Like you going to see how far you can take it. Right. But y'all was still
friends. Like y'all still like at some level y'all shared a type of vulnerability there.
You like learned the person, but it's like, I ain't let none of them niggas touch me. Right.
Because that's where lines get murky because vulnerability, like you can- Speaking on vulnerability,
I don't mean to cut you off. Another thing that kind of pissed me off about it is that
first of all, you tell me that, oh, I don't want nothing serious. Okay, cool. For one, he never
told me that like at all because, and I know he never told me that because if he did, my ass would
have been like, oh, all right, cool. Like I'm a fall back. But it's like you allowed me to, I always
told him that I liked him a lot. You allowed me to be so open and like you allowed me to be so in a
way, like he don't know everything about me, but in a way I was kind of like vulnerable with him.
Like, and you saw that. And once you see that and you know that you don't want nothing like serious
at all, that's when you should step in and you should tell somebody, hey, you know, like I
appreciate you being like, you know, open with me, like vulnerable with me, but I just want to
clarify, like I don't want nothing like serious. Like that's when you should step in and say
something. Or you can really be like- Like a clown. You can really be like, I really want a friends
with benefits situation. Exactly. We are friends. And you should have did that early on. Like this
is like half a year. And you can really be honest, like, hey, this is what I mean, but like what are
the boundaries that you have for a friends with benefits situation? Like, no, we are really friends
because it seems like, it seems like to me that he needs a lot better of a connection to keep on
having sex with a person. And that's probably why he was trying to pull stuff out of you because
like he still wanted to have sex with you until the celibacy thing. Oh yeah. I feel like that's,
you know what, let me stop. Let me stop. He still wanted to have sex with you, but he was like,
I don't feel like, let me connect because I feel like the sex would be better. Which like a lot of,
like, you know, a lot of artsy niggas are like that. A lot of artsy niggas are like that. They
really do put a lot of emotion into sex. And it's just like, that's where niggas begin. Because
every time I would have sex with him, like I felt, I don't know about him, but on my end, like,
it just felt so like, I don't know. It felt so passionate compared to like the niggas I've
fucked before. Like it just felt like so emotional. That's how it felt in the moment. Exactly. But he
pulled that out of you. And I just, I don't know. Like I don't fuck with that. I don't fuck with it.
But let's change the topic because I don't want to talk about this man. Yeah, not too much. Not
too much. Not too much. But we were just talking about like, just like the topic of love, like when
it comes to music. Yeah. Like it's a lack of it. You were saying something like that. Well,
I'll tell my man again. I hate to bring you up again. Not hate it, but like, come on, these
niggas gonna get tired of me talking about my man, my man, my man. But I was asking him today,
like, what should we, what should we like talk about? Like we knew that we were going to address
like the whole situation and whatever. Bitch, now we gotta bleep out his name. We gotta bleep out.
It's okay. We gonna bleep out his name. We gonna bleep out his name. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine.
It's fine. Go ahead. Continue. Continue. It's really fine. We can bleep it out, Kenla. It's
really fine. We gonna bleep it out. Damn, girl. It's fine. What was you saying? Now we should,
now what we should do is really let it out now. Rush it. We should. But we ain't gonna do that.
But we're not gonna do that. We ain't gonna do that. We knew we were going to address that
situation. And then he was like, I don't know. Let me think about it. I don't know. I think every
man is a liar. So I don't really think that he was going like actually like pulled through. Sorry.
Sorry. That's trauma right there. However, like he texted like while we were actually like trying
to figure it out and it was like about how there's no love in the music. Wait, hold on. Let me just
read what it said. It's definitely not a lot of love in the music. I feel like everything is like
toxicity in the music scene today. He said, talk about how there's a lack of love being
exuded in records today. He's a grandpa because like. Yeah, it's definitely a lack of love in the
music. And how it trickles down to our everyday life. And then he's put black love in quotations
because. A lot of music is very toxic. Like I just don't hear. I'm not gonna say it doesn't exist.
I think it does exist, but I feel like we don't pay attention to those artists. Like they don't
get a lot of recognition. Those artists that do sing about love and just. But even love today
is not as full. What do you mean by that? I think that a lot of people are very content with surface
level. Oh yeah, I'm not content. I want it deep. I think that people don't understand that love is
not only a word, but it's an action. When you love someone, you show up for them. And showing up can
look very different for different people. Like if we're being completely real, completely frank,
love does not always feel good all the time because you don't feel good all the time. Right.
And you're not always going to like the person that you love. And that's where people are,
I think, is the problem. When we talk about love, it's always like it has to be some type of
fairy tale. And then even people was getting mad at Michelle Obama for talking about her marriage
and how she was like for a good 10 years, which is when the primitive years of when you're raising
a kid, two kids, she was like, there was such a disconnect. Why? Because she was a lawyer and he
was actually a politician. Relationships are not always 50-50, especially when y'all are both doing
things and especially if you're in the head of sexual relationships. Especially with a lifestyle.
So like what was she a lawyer? And he was a politician. And during the time where she was
child rearing, he was really running for president. Stupid whores. Yeah. Didn't she say something along
the lines of like Barack wasn't, like she was doing more with the parenting or something like that
compared to Barack. And that's what was making her upset. Of course. It was making her upset
because she was like, well, I'm a lawyer. But then I was like, now, Miss Michelle, sister girl,
a lawyer or the president. I'm cracking up. You know, like you big mama now, but like. Sometimes
though I do feel like men like, cause I don't know, Barack Obama, like politics aside. That's a Leo
man. And him being an award criminal aside, like he does seem like a cool, like genuine man,
like as a husband. So I feel like sometimes like men, they don't even realize. And niggas just don't be knowing.
Yeah. I feel like men don't even realize that they doing certain shit. And that's what that was.
And you have to be okay with like understanding that. And they're not going to get certain things
like you do as a mom. Yeah. Like as a mother, as a wife. Cause men have a parental instinct,
but it shows up differently. It does. The way that his parental instinct probably showed up
was him saying, damn, if someone want to run in this house right now, the first people I'm going to protect is my kids.
Because that's like, I don't care what anyone says as I got older and even like really just like looking at
what things and how just, just not even just about society, but like the genetic makeup of men and women,
like we just show up differently. We just show up differently because my first instinct, if we were like,
and most women, even like gay women, their first instinct is not to like fight back. It's to like.
Right. So like don't leave it up to me to protect the family. Especially if I have a man
laying next to me. Exactly. Like, and because like not every family is to a man and a woman,
like you're going to have to have those conversations. Cause like, I don't care how
dressed up you are in men's clothing. Like even a lot of masculine presenting women are like, I.
Man, I can't, I can't. Right. Like. No, I've seen it. Yeah. Like they really be honest and open.
And it's just like, well, why dress up like a man? Like, I get it. I get it. But like at the end of
the day, like you have to make a conscious decision. Like someone has to protect the home.
Someone has to be able to like make that sacrifice. So I'm not saying that the masculine
presenting woman has to do it in a lesbian situation, but somebody that, that has to be a,
like a conversation. Just like Michelle was saying, like I had to really,
A understand that him as a man, biologically, his brain is just not going to do that. No, for real.
It's not going to click that way. Not saying that men are dumb or men don't show up for their
family. It's just that they show up differently and we can't expect ourselves or a whole gender
from the whole opposite gender. Like that don't make sense. Yeah. And then on top of that,
they have a, and plus they have a completely different lived experience compared to women.
Exactly. So it's like, no matter how many times I explained certain shit to you,
or I explained to you how you need to show up, like you're just not, you can try and I not
appreciate that, but sometimes like if they don't get it, they just not going to get it.
I've just come to terms with that. And not even just with men that I just deal with, but even with
like, even if I, like I haven't spoke to my dad in like years, but like even if I'm talking to my
dad or like my brother or like a male cousin, like they all, they all like that. Like I'll just come
to terms that y'all just not going to get certain shit. You're not going to get it. Just like we
not going to get certain shit when it comes to men. It's two completely different experiences.
Like imagine how, and that's another thing. One thing that I have noticed is that now men are a
lot more vocal about how they feel emotionally. And that's why I feel like there's a lot of jaded
energy because there has been times where there are a lot of times where, and we're talking about,
I'm talking about personal experience, but I'm also just talking communally because we're always
going to center black people and black women. And here's where I want to hold black women
accountable. We dismiss men when they tell us like, ouch, that hurt. And I was just talking
about this on social media. Y'all be calling the men gay for anything. Like it was a whole debate
on social media about how, oh, if a man smoke hookah, that's feminine and that's gay. Y'all call men
gay for, y'all imply they fucking their friends. Like what is that? A man establishes boundaries
and he's sassy. Like a man wants to hang out with his friends. What's a hang out with his actual
friends? Like how come a man or a man don't want your ugly ass and all of a sudden he has to be gay?
Yeah, it doesn't make sense. How about you're just ugly? And it doesn't even mean like some of the
baddest bitches be ugly as fuck. Not because y'all look ugly, but your spirit is ugly. And the thing
is niggas really do pay attention to that type of stuff. They do. Like there was Brent Fires when he
was on a million dollars worth of game. He was like, I started paying attention to how other women
receive you. And if they're not receiving you, there's something wrong with you. Because women
naturally are not competitive. We were taught to be competitive. Yeah. I gotta start like, I know
that some people might call me a pick me, but we gotta start holding black women accountable for
certain shit. Very much so. Because honestly, I feel like black women, like I know we get,
people think that we're more tolerable of LGBT people, but I feel like we come across as that.
But I feel like I'm not talking about me. I'm just talking about black women in general. Like y'all
are very homophobic. Homophobic as fuck. And transphobic. Yes. And y'all contribute to the
problems that y'all be bitching and complaining about on social media. Oh, black men aren't
affectionate. Black men aren't romantic. Well, when you sitting there calling them gay over
everything, of course they not going to be affectionate. Of course they not going to get
you the fucking flowers. Because you calling them gay over every fucking thing. Even when they
express their sexual needs or even how they react during sex. Like, bitch is mad because
niggas moaning. No, real shit. I want my man to yodel. I love that shit. I want you to yodel. You
want to know why? Because I know that I'm like, it's an exchange. Like why I gotta be the loudest
bitch in the room? Yeah. Like he just gotta be quiet. Like that don't even make any sense. Real
shit. We really do contribute to the problems that we be complaining about. And on top of that,
I was talking to my man. I hate the fact that I have to always say that because... My man, my man,
my man. It's just because like, I don't, like you said, I don't want to seem like a pick me or
anything like that. But I feel like I should be very proud of the person that I'm spending my time
with. I am very proud of him. Like all bullshit aside, I just love who he is as a person. That's
why I'm kind of scared. But I really love him as a person. I think that he's one of the most amazing
people I've ever met in my life. I cannot lie. But we were having a conversation about the Joe
Button podcast. Joe Button is one of my problematic faves. And here's why. He said on his podcast,
black women only accept black gay men when they're shucking and jiving. And I really,
I really, at first I was like, I resent that. But then I said, let me look at how things
are playing out. The only time black women flock to black men is if they're like,
being a caricature of what we are. And then on top of that, if they're like their friend,
like their bestie or whatever. Cause you can, cause I was talking to my other friend,
and he was like, okay, so you like me being your friend. You like me, like, you know, when,
especially like the ones that do hair and makeup and all that stuff. Like you like me when I could
do your bust down and I can beat your face. But when I tell you that your nigga is trying to fuck
on me, not because I'm trying to be a bitch, but because I'm trying to protect you. Now all of a
sudden I'm the F word and I take dick in the butt and I'm this and I'm that. A lot of black women,
like black gay men for the aesthetic. They do. And trans women too. Yeah. Because as soon as they
start getting attention from men that you find attractive, you know that's a man, right? Yeah.
Y'all be, it be underlying homophobia in y'all. And what if the nigga said, so what? Now what?
Look at you dummy. It's literally fucking disgusting. And a lot of bitches claim to be allies
of the LGBT community. But when it comes to the men that they deal with, like they'll deal with the
most hateful ass homophobic men ever. But they want to sit and be like, oh, I'm an LGBT ally.
I love my gay best friend. That doesn't make any sense. How can you have a gay best friend?
Bringing him around someone who is actively saying how much they hate you. No, real shit. It's like
me having, it's like me having a white friend and she has a white boyfriend that's racist as fuck.
And it says, oh, well, he just doesn't agree with black people. How do you not agree? How do you not
agree with somebody's existence? That doesn't make any sense. Y'all bitches are disgusting.
Y'all are. Y'all are. Y'all are disgusting. And like, and we really mean, like we really mean
disgusting. Because y'all, and a lot of it has to do with the fact that, you know, it is really hard
for black women to find men, to find love. No, it's hard for heterosexual, cis black women to have
genuine connections with men without like shucking and jiving. We know. But at some rate,
you lose all of your moral. Like all of your morale goes down the toilet over a nigga,
over a nigga that has a fake cuban on. Let's talk about it. Like, for real. That's written luxury
cars. And I'm not even going to sit up here and act like I wasn't once, because I'm 23 years old
now. I'm about to be 24. I'm not going to sit up here and act like I wasn't once one of them girls.
Like when I was like 16, 17, I was ignorant as fuck. I ain't know nothing about like social
issues and LGBT community. I was dealing with niggas that was like homophobic as fuck. Did not
care either at the time. But it's like, at some point- Because it had nothing to do with me.
Exactly. That don't got nothing to do with me. At some point, you have to educate yourself and you
got to stop being ignorant. And I can pride myself on that. I'm always trying to be self-aware. I'm
always trying to learn how I can be a better person. If I say something problematic, I always want
for people to correct me. I've never been above criticism ever. I always want somebody to correct
me because I want to be a good human being. And I feel like a lot of black women are not like that.
Like they're just stuck in their ways. Honestly, not even just black women, but just black people
in general. I feel like a lot of black people are just stuck in their ways. They don't want to educate
themselves. They don't want to open their minds. Like have a different perspective. Like stop being
stupid. Stop being ignorant. Stop being dumb. Like it's 2023. Be fucking for real. Be fucking for real.
But to change the subject, let's talk about this TikTok music.
I'm honestly sick of it. We need to stop. Yeah. I just feel like not even just TikTok music,
but just music of this generation period. It's not original to me. I think that there's-
I won't even say it's not original. But I really feel like it has to do with,
I always say this, like a lack of reading, like lack of critical thinking. Nobody like actually
thinks about things. And I feel like if you think about like the music from the 90s and the 80s and
the 70s, like they had all these activists and poets and stuff like that, like critical thinkers.
And because they thought so differently, the music was different. The fashion was different.
Like the TV was different. Now I just feel like everything is just like, since we don't really-
I'm not going to say we don't have no critical thinkers in our generation at all,
but it's not popular to be a thinker now. It's not popular. And then everybody be telling niggas,
shit ain't that deep. Yeah. Like I get that on a daily basis. Yeah, me too. And it's just like,
damn, like I can't even really express my thoughts because like everything is so mindless.
No, real shit. I get that a lot too. It's not that deep. It's not that serious. But it is that deep.
It is. And maybe it's some truth too. Maybe certain things aren't that deep, but why are you mad at
me for thinking deeper into it? Like, is that a crime? It's not. Like come on. Like is that really
bad? Like I just really want to know. Like, yeah, I might look too deep into certain things and I
can acknowledge that, but I don't think that's a bad thing at all. I don't think it's a bad thing.
Like I like thinking deeply about shit. Or the shit that really gets me is that like people don't
understand that there's a lot of like nuance to things. Like I was having a conversation
with someone about desirability. Right. And it was after a certain event that I had went to,
and there was someone there that was not, what was mixed or like multicultural, I guess you could say,
because they were Hispanic and black and they were very mean and nasty to me. And they brought up
like my desirability and was questioning why I was desirable. And it had everything, like it had
everything to do with the fact that I was black and that I was darker. I was the darkest person
there. Right. And I was trying to tell them like, this is a something that happens to me a lot.
And there was, it was brought up that like I wouldn't understand because regardless of my skin
tone, I have the body, I have the face, I have the hair and all these things. So like they kind of
negated my experience as a dark skin woman because I have everything else. And it's just like,
a little do you know that body type or my hair texture or anything wouldn't matter next to you.
Because if a man, if there's men out here that only want light skinned women, it doesn't matter
how you're shaped. It doesn't matter what you look like. They're automatically better than I am
because of my skin tone. And I was trying to explain that, but I was like, I started to give
up because it's just like, If people said any ways, they said any ways. Yeah. And you have run
with this narrative that I was called the fan favorite. And that really sat really weird with
me because I should, as a friend, why would you say that? Right. Even if it is a observation.
Right. The way like you wouldn't understand because you the fan favorite. So, and I'm like,
it could have been like maybe a different way to word it or go about it. Yeah. Or go in a different
direction with it. Like you wouldn't have to say that. Like it's ways to get your point across
without being dismissive. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I've never, I don't like when people dismiss
the experiences of dark skinned women. I do not like that. Especially if we're considered pretty.
Like I know that I'm pretty and I know that I'm pretty to a wide range of people. I do. I really
do. But I still get really backhanded under cutting compliments. And then even being around
other people of other races or mixed race and things of that nature, questioning the validity
of the people around us because of their attraction to me. How ugly do you think I would feel after
that? Yeah. Yeah. Like for real. It's fucked up. My mom and sister, like I just growing up,
I just always seen them like experience like colorism a lot. Like me and my sister, we used
to be in daycare because my mom couldn't watch us. She was working. So we was being in daycare.
People used to really be like, oh, like that's really like your sister. And I'm just like,
yes. Why wouldn't that be my sister? And I would notice that kind of stuff. Like I didn't
understand it when I was younger, but like as I got older, I'm just like, that was, that was colorism.
Cause why wouldn't she be my sister? Cause I feel like me and my sister, we don't look exactly
like, but we have similarities. Y'all look alike. Y'all look alike. So you can tell that your
sister is just one is like slightly darker than her. Yeah. Like she ain't even white.
Like it was, it was kind of confusing, but you know, it's just ignorance at the end of the day.
I was having a conversation with my sister like a week ago about colorism and she was telling me
that she acknowledges that even though like she's, she's brown skin, dark skin. She said it is
certain like privileges. And I'm just speaking from what she was saying. I can't really speak
cause I'm like lighter, but she was telling me that she didn't notice that it's like certain,
like if you're a dark skin girl with like a certain texture hair, like you might get,
I definitely get treated better. She said she, like you get, you get treated differently
compared to like a dark skin girl with like kinkier hair. Yeah. I will never sit here and act like I
don't get treated differently than someone who is more Afro-centric than I am. Like I know my hair
is straight right now, but I do have curly hair, but it's like three between like three B and four
A. Right, right. So come on, like let's be fucking for real. Yeah. My sister, she said she noticed
that a lot. Like my sister, she has me, I have a very broad nose. I have very full lips. My sister,
like a lot of people be saying like, oh, you look to my sister, you look exotic. Like you look like
an Ethiopian cause her features are very like, you know how all Ethiopians, they like have them same
They have like features. That's how my sister's features are. She has like a narrow nose. She has
a really full lip. She's gorgeous. Yeah. She's really gorgeous. But she was telling me like that
she noticed that when she would be around, like she has another friend, I forget her name, I'm sorry,
but she has another friend that has like features like mine and she's dark skinned. And she said
she always noticed difference in response. Even though they both experienced colorism,
she said she always noticed a difference in response between the two of them. And I can
honestly say the same. Like I, I noticed there's differences in how I'm treated versus like my
darker counterparts that have, cause I have very small features. My eyes are small. My nose is small.
My lips are small. Like I have very, my mom always says keen features. Like she always says that I
look like a cat, which I do look like my cat. But like, and she does too. So we've always grown up
with people just being like, yeah, like you just look so different. I get mixed up for being like
Afro-Latino. Like most people assume that. And I'm just like, but why? Remember when we went to the
reef? Oh yeah. And they did that. They did that to me. You got it. You like, what are you like
Dominican, Puerto Rican? I'm like black. It's really crazy. Like, especially as a black
girl period, like not even just talking about dark skin anymore, but just talking about this
black girls period. Like you always get different responses from different men or just people in
general, depending on what features you have, depending on what your hair texture is, depending
on your weight. Like it's so, it's very crazy. I feel like it's an experience that no other race of
women have. Like it's specifically exclusive to us. Like we experienced it. But you know what? I was
watching this TikTok of this, this white girl who was like thicker, like I'm not going to lie. She
had a body on it. She was dragging a wagon, but she was even saying how she's been treated. Like
she experiences how we're treated. Like, but on the inverse, like black men really flock to her,
but white men are like, you're fat, lose weight. And I think that's crazy. Like how, how like
different races of men will treat her and she finds solace in black men. Cause they treat her
like gold. And I'm like, damn. And that's, I hope I don't sound fucked. And she was, and she,
I'm not going to say she wasn't pretty. I'm just going to say that there's definitely other women
and other races that looked way better than her. It sounds so fucked up when it come out, but it's
funny. But she was really an average looking white woman with a fat ass. That, no, no. I'm not going
to lie. Like I was like, girl. Do you, I mean, this is a different topic. This is a reference photo
for my survey. It's a different topic, but do you have, cause I want us, I want this episode to be
like very vulnerable, but do you have any like body insecurities? Oh, for sure. I feel like I have,
like recently I feel like I've, I've started developing some like me, for example, I'm very
ball-legged. I'm ball-legged as fuck. And I'm very like, I'm not me, not when I'm standing up,
but sometimes when I'm sitting down, I'd be like, I'm very not me sometimes. Why would you do that?
But like, I hate that so much. And I feel like I have a very weird walk. Kayla keeps telling me,
no, you don't, no, you don't. Like you're walking like weird. She's like overthinking it. Maybe I
am overthinking it, but I feel like I have a very weird walk. So I've been insecure about that,
but it's okay. Cause I'm repping for the not me, ball-legged bitches, period. I'm going to be your
representation and I'm going to do it well. I'm also very insecure about like my teeth, my smile.
I don't know why, like, well, I do know why. When I was, a lot of people don't know this,
but when I was in like high school, my teeth were like fucked up because I had like, what you call
an open bite. So it's when like your top row doesn't touch your bottom row. So like in high school,
my teeth was like slanted and then my bottom row was like this. It was like open. Yeah, it's open.
When you smile, it's like a gap in between. And now ever since then I have gotten Invisalign. So
my smile looks tremendously better, but it's like, it's only so much that Invisalign can fix.
And if I want to get it completely fixed, I got to get braces. I got to get either braces
or like orthonathic surgery. So I'm content. I'm kind of content with my smile now. I am.
I got braces, but I got braces. I had braces on from fifth grade to 10th grade.
Oh yeah. See, I've only been on Invisalign for like maybe like a year and a half, but
my teeth look completely different. Like I'm very happy with the way my teeth look now,
but sometimes I do get a little insecure. Like I have, like I'd be feeling like if I,
from certain angles, I look a mess and I really be tripping in my head. Cause like,
for example, I posted these pictures on Instagram. Like my sister took some pictures of me while I
was like in the mirror, like straight in my hair or whatever. And I was like, wait, I do be tripping.
I'm like, my smile really is pretty. Like I really am pretty without a filter. Like what am I talking
about? I be tripping sometimes. So I mean- A lot. I be tripping a lot. I do. I be tripping a lot.
And I'm also like very insecure about my weight cause my weight is very up and down.
Like I don't, I can't explain it, but it's like some months I gained like a lot of weight.
Like I'll be like the heaviest I ever been was like 130. And then like a couple months later,
I'll be like a hundred, a hundred pounds. And it's just, I hate it so much. Like it's so up and down.
But I'm trying to learn how to love myself in my smaller stages, just as much as I like myself when
I'm like, when I'm heavier, because I feel like if you only love yourself in one particular body
shape, you get connected to that. And then when it goes away, it's like, where's your confidence at?
So I'm really trying to learn to love myself. Like I think I got a few insecurities.
Yeah. What's yours? I have no boobs. Me neither. Me cup committees.
But like I have a whole, like I'm really bottom heavy. Yeah. I got hips. I'm very slim, but I got
hips and I got an ass. Yeah. Same. That's one thing I'm thankful for. I just like, that's like the most,
like my boobs, I mean, I haven't no boobs. Like, you know, I struggle with like acne and hyper
pigmentation, like body acne too, and eczema. So like those things, I kind of just know that there's
nothing that I can really do, but like take care of my skin. And if there's a flare up, there's a
flare up. So I've never allowed that to stop me from wearing my legs out or, you know, anything
like that. But like, I do definitely like, I am very insecure about it, mainly because like my
mom, I love you girl, but she definitely does like point all of my flaws out. Oh my God. My mom used
to do that when I was younger. She still do it. Like you, why you got your legs out and you got like.
My mom used to do that to us when we were younger. And I told her, I said, it ain't ever stopped me from
getting a fine ass nigga. Her. It ain't ever stopped me from getting a nigga, period. Okay.
So once I realized that shit wasn't stopping me from getting the man that I wanted, getting the
woman that I wanted, getting whatever I wanted, then like, whatever. But I still hear her voice
a lot. Like my biggest insecurities come from her. Like my biggest ones come from her. I feel like I
have to be perfect because she has made it very clear that I am in fact, imperfect. I hope my
sister don't hate me for this, but I'm, me and my sister was having a conversation because my mom,
when we was younger, my mom used to always make certain comments. And I don't think it was like,
with like bad intent. I think that's just how like, like the way she grew up, she's just very blunt
with stuff like that. And she wasn't like really aware of like certain body issues or whatever.
But I remember my sister, like when we was younger, even though my sister is younger than me,
she gained weight at a rapid rate compared to me. And she used to get like a lot of stretch marks
and stuff like that. And like, so you like, and my mom used to be like, Oh, see you get, you getting
stretch marks and you getting, so you like, because you're gaining weight, you're going to get big.
Yeah. So my sister- You going to be big as a house. Yeah. My mom used to always do that. So now
like my sister, she had like a complex about her weight for a long ass time. I hope she don't hate
me for saying this. And if you do, I'm so sorry, but I was, this is just for like the sake of the
podcast, but- Business related. Yeah. Yeah. But now my sister, like, you know, she's more confident
in herself, but like she definitely had like body issues growing up because of the stuff that my mom
would say. Like, but I don't even think my mom said it just to be mean. I think like she grew up hearing
it. Yeah. So that's what she would just say. Especially with like my skin, like I'm just like
so paranoid. I'm like so paranoid. Like, Oh my gosh. Like I even remember like right before
the first time I had sex with the person that I'm with right now, well, not not with, but like
talking to right now, I was so, I was just like, Oh, I don't want to show myself. Like, right,
right. Cause like right before I got on the show with my mom was like, and you just going to be okay
with your chest being out like that. Like you don't think he going like, you don't think he's
going to say nothing. Like I just, if I were you, I wouldn't be able to do that. Right. And I'm like,
Oh damn girl. Yeah. So now I'm sitting here in the mirror, like, would it be OD for me to just put
makeup all over my body? Like that's, that was my next thing to think was like, put like, come on mom,
help me put this foundation on me. And whole time we really be like, sometimes your moms, they can be,
the moms can be your biggest bully sometimes. And sometimes I don't think they realize it,
but like they do. You think so? The reason why I know that they do is because I told her,
like I'd be telling her like, now I don't care. I'd be like, mommy, when you said this,
this hurt my feelings. And I had told her like, she had said something. Um, what did she, what
did she say to me? She said some really wild ass shit. Like she basically said, like, no one will
ever take me seriously. Cause I always look like a whore. And I was like, damn, like, or, or even
like in the situation I'm in now, like she basically like, will be like, she'll hear him say
something really sweet to me. And she was like, he really don't take you seriously. Like, cause like
you just be like, you just be looking like a whore. Why would you want to go out with him or
like, or anything like, and sometimes I don't even be like looking like bad or like sluttish
or anything. Like it just be anything. Like if we just be like hanging out, like he'll just come,
come to my house. Like we just be in his car, like talking, whatever. And she'd be like,
yeah, he say all that sweet shit to you, but like he don't fuck with you because like he just thinks
you're easy. Like you've given up, you've given up twice in a car. And I was like, damn, like
you're equating like my sex life to how he treats me. Like you only know like that I'm going out
with him. Like you don't know what the nature of my relationship is with him. And then on top of
that, it's just like, damn, you really hurt my feelings. Like why do you, why do you constantly
make it a point to like make me feel lesser than myself? Like what's the point of doing stuff like
that? And I have the text messages to prove it. She said, kiss my ass. Wow. I was like, whoa. I'm
like, yo, like you can't even hear, you can't even hear me. And she was like, I don't give a fuck.
She said, I don't give a fuck. I say what the fuck I want. They don't realize like, so she knows
what she's doing. Like when you do stuff like that, I don't think they understand like how like
you're affecting like our relationship in the, even the future. Cause when you get old,
what if I want to put you in a nursing home or something like that? And I would never do that.
I would never do that to my mom, but I'm just saying like, it's just like, that's why I get why
some women do that with their moms. I was just like the amount of like turmoil that she causes
for no reason. And then, and then she'd be like, all the stuff you do to me. And I'm like, I tell
you, you're wrong. All I say is like, you're wrong. Or if you say something really fucking weird,
I'm going to say some real wild shit back. Was I wrong for telling you, you always worried about
what the fuck I'm doing with my coochie? Maybe we should find someone to eat yours. I should have
never said that. But like at the end of the day, it's just like, you can't keep on picking on me
and then expect me to just sit there and take it. And she was like, well, you should because I'm
your mom. It doesn't matter. I often find with my mom, I don't feel like we really have like as much
conflict now, but I only feel like it's cause I'm not in the house. Oh yeah. That's why I'm trying
to move out. When I was, when I was, when I was like in high school, like I remember she made my
senior year very traumatizing for me. Like she gave me like, she made me very, feel very insecure
about myself because like I said, in like another episode, like I grew up in a very religious
household, almost like a cult like household. And when she found out I was fucking Amber,
she told me that I wasn't valuable. Oh yeah. My mom told me that too. Yeah. My mom like,
and she would pick on me, like just pick on me. And I often find that now, sometimes I'm very
numb towards my mom. Not sometimes all the time. I feel like I'm very numb towards my mom because
it's like, as much as I forgive you, I don't forget that kind of stuff. And it bothers me to this day.
Like that's how impactful it is. And that's why I've taken a route of just being like sex
positive and like trying to embrace my sexuality. Cause it's kind of like healing to me. It is
healing to me because I'm taking that back and I'm owning my sexuality and my power. That's really
what it is for me. A lot of people look at it as just me being like, oh, she's a whore. Like just
me being wild, but it's really healing for me because I really, my mom really made me feel like
shit for just participating in a normal human activity. So I often find it like I'm very numb
towards my mom. Like when she tries to give me hugs sometimes, like I'm just not affectionate
towards her. Cause I just don't forget that kind of stuff. It's still, it makes me to this day.
So it's very hard for me to just, I don't know, just be a little bit more vulnerable with my mom.
I feel like it's baby steps. And it's six, no, like seven years later and I still feel that way.
But, and now, and now I find that she's like, oh, you know, like we're not,
we're not as close or you don't say nothing to me. You don't never come visit me, but it's like,
that's your fault. You just gonna have to deal with that. You gonna have to deal with that.
Yeah. You gonna have to deal with that. That's your fault that it's like that. It's, it don't
got nothing to do with me. I didn't do anything. I'm not no deadbeat daughter or nothing. That's
your fault. Cause what the fuck is a deadbeat daughter? I really don't owe you anything.
I don't owe you anything. And that's what parents need to understand is that your children owe you
nothing because you decided to have me. You decided that you wanted me here. You decided to
pop that coochie open and get nutted in. And especially with my situation, I'm adopted. You
made a very conscious decision to have like, for me to be here. That's very conscious. Like you made a
very conscious decision. So I don't owe you anything. I don't owe you anything because I
could have been with Sally Mae and, and Eric. I don't know if those were the white people named
that was about to adopt me, but I could have been there. Shit. I could have, I could have been with
anybody else, but they, they let you take me. So your life is supposed to be devoted to me because
you know that you wanted a kid. I'm an adult now, but you still don't treat me like that.
And even when I think about how I even view the person I'm talking to right now,
I think a lot of my trust issues come from her constantly saying like, he just really think you
were peace. What did she say to me? Like she said this a couple of weeks ago too, like maybe like
just over a month ago, I was like, I was actually, it was Valentine's day. Well, Valentine's weekend.
Right. I was on my way out the door and she said to my face, well, A, she's, I was like,
we're going out to eat. And she was like, yeah, whatever. Cause we always hanging out with each
other, but it's usually I'm at his house or we're just outside my crib or whatever. Cause it's just
like more convenient that way, less money. Like, you know what I'm saying? And she was like,
Oh, I guess he decided to pay for the pussy this time. What? Whoa. I was like,
what are you talking about mom? And she was like, what did she say? She said like, I don't,
he doesn't see you as anything but a piece of pussy. He's just trying to keep you. He's just
trying to keep you around. That's why he's doing that. But like, he don't really like you like that.
I hear him say that he like you and all that, but it's a lie. But that's also why you be,
you be a little anxious with him too. Cause she constantly tells me that it's a lie. Like she
constantly is like, Nope, Nope. And I'm like, why do you feel that way? And she's just like,
you probably also fear like it not working out too, because you want to prove your mom.
I want to prove my mom wrong. And there's been, but the thing is I've been constantly met with
people telling me, like even in my past relationships, like the last person I was with
when we broke up, my mom was like, nobody's going to love you. Like nobody going to want to deal
with you. Nobody going to love you the way that he did. But you said that the last time. So then
when I got with another person, now you're comfortable with that person. And you're like,
nobody going to love him, love you like he did. No one's going to love you like he did. And it's
like, or no one's going to love you, except him. No one's going to want to be with you, except him.
And like everybody around me was saying stuff like that. And it's just like, damn. So now that this
person is here, it's the, it's like all this apprehension, like, Oh, well, like, cause it's
not, it didn't move as fast as the rest of them. Like, I'm not as like, I'm very protective over this. Like I'm very, very protective over this.
Because it means a lot to me. So because of that, and because she not all in my business and
because she doesn't know much about him or whatever, like, and even he'd be like, she hates me.
She hates me. And I'm like, no, she don't. She don't like the way I'm going about this.
Cause she can't have her hand in it. It's all, it's all about me. Nothing about you. And it's about control.
It's all about control. And like, like I'm like so sad because I second guess everything he say to me.
Yeah. I think, I definitely think your, your mom has like a big, like that's a, that's a big reason why you
are a little anxious about this whole thing. Cause she constantly in your head. On top of you already
having anxiety. Yeah. Like he said, Oh, I really appreciate you the other day, like through text.
And I was at my desk like, and I was like, damn, why do I react like that? Like, why can't I really
think that he likes me just because like I'm me and that's it. Like I'd be like, okay, like,
I know he just be wanting to have sex with me. It's something to be said about moms who just like always,
I be feeling like sometimes moms want to live their life through their daughters. Yeah.
Like, I don't know that that's just how I feel. I really feel like they be trying to live their life
to their daughters. And because, or they don't have nobody like, so they want their daughter to
be their friend or friends or no man. So like they try to live their life through their kids. And it's
like, you can't do that. You got to separate it. And like, I'm going to be like, I'm like, I can feel
myself ruining every like potential relationship, friendship or otherwise, because it's like,
mm, like she never speaks life into anything. Right. Except me going to school and like all
the things that make her look good as a parent, but like the stuff that makes me happy, the people
in my life that make me happy. Well, I don't know. And you can't trust everybody. And I heard what
they said. They don't really like you like that. Or like even just talking down on the other people
in my life, like y'all both stupid for doing this, this and that. Like you've never had dumb ass
moments. Like it's just always, it's always someone else. And then when you say something to her about
it, it's just like, I've never said that. I've never done that. And I'm like, yo, like niggas not
fucking lying. Why would I lie about something like that? Like why would I sit here and lie about this?
Like let's be fucking for real. Like that's any fucking thing to lie about. And if niggas is
actually lying about you telling me, like when she said that I lied about her telling me to kiss her
ass after I told her something hurt my feelings. I said, I just sent the screenshot. I just sent the
screenshot. She was like, Oh, that's not me. My mom to this day. I said, Oh, that's not me. Oh,
that's not me. My mom to this day. Like I will never forget her telling me that I wasn't like
valuable because like men, other men wouldn't like me because I lost my virginity. And I'd be telling
her to this day that she said that she'd be like, Oh, I never said that. Why would I just make that up?
Like why would I make that up? Like what do I actually get out of doing it? Like I'm actually
traumatized over it. So like you think that I'm like trying to make up trauma. She says that,
Oh, you trying to make me seem like a bad person. Yes, that's they favorite line. Maybe you are a bad person.
You are. And it's okay because you're, I, you are loved. Like I love my mom. That's really my girl.
And she's been there for me through a lot of things. But you told me that that man thinks that I'm
just a piece of pussy and I can't get that out of my head. Every time I'm around this man, I feel so
insecure. Like I feel like, I feel like all I am is sex to him. And that could be further from the
truth. That could be further from the truth. Like, and there's times where it feels further than the
truth, but always in the back of my head, I really be sitting here, remember, remember what you are
to him. And I have to, I really step out of myself. Yeah. I always with me, with life in general,
I just got to do what feels right for, to me. And if I'm wrong, then I'm wrong. If I'm fuck up and I
make a bad decision, then I do. But I gotta, I've been trying to learn how to just channel out other
people's voices and stuff like that. Like it's only, I'll come to my friends about certain stuff.
I will. And I'll try to get their perspective on things because sometimes I really do be tripping.
I really do be overthinking it. But at the end of the day, you still gotta do what you feel is right
because it's your life wrong or not wrong. Like you gotta, you gotta just do you. So that's,
that's really where I'm at with life right now. And I'm just hoping that I see it through. I'm
hoping that I see it. I'm about to turn 24 in May and I'm very nervous because I feel like I'm
about to be in my mid 20s. Well, I am about to be in my mid 20s in this life. I feel like I'm
stepping into a new chapter, but I'm going to see it through. I'm going to be good. I'm going to be
fine. I'm going to be fine. I'm going to stop stressing. But that wraps up our episode.
I feel like this is a really good, raw Vodafone episode. I feel like we touched on different things.
Y'all don't forget we update our wholesome playlist every Friday. We be having like,
also like artists, like if you're watching this, like if you want to be like in the playlist,
like you know, it's slot us a DM. If I like it, then I'll put it, I'll put it in there.
Also if it's on Apple Music or Spotify, all you artists niggas and bitches out there,
please try your best to like put it on all streaming platforms. No matter if it's on
streaming platforms, no matter if it's like a throw away song or anything, because niggas be
fucking with it. And I can't, and I don't be using SoundCloud like that. Me either. I only use it for
a specific person. So stop doing that please. I'm cracking up. Also like any LG, like black LGBT
artists, like please same music, because I really want to put, like I want to change the score,
like the music scene kind of in a way. And Philly, like I want to uplift LGBT artists as well. So
if you're one of those, please, I didn't mean to say if you're one of those, but if you're part of
that community, that got us so fucked up. Sorry. If you're part of that community, like make sure
you reach out. And it don't have to be pandering music either. You don't have to be like doing
like house music or anything like that. It could just be you're gay, you're straight, you're trans,
you're whatever. And you're making art. It don't have to be like something that you would wear to
the ballroom. I mean, listen to in the ballroom or something. Also shout out to Creatives Kickback.
We about to go to their event. Yes. We about to have so much fun. Y'all see our outfits. How would
you rate my outfit? Did I do good? I think it's a 10. Oh, period. I got a 10. I would wear it.
Period. I think we like dress similarly. Yes. Yes. So I'm happy I got a 10 from Kaila. She like the
fashion girl. I feel like I'm just coming into myself. People think I am, but I really am not.
She is. I pay attention to things, but like I really am just so, so lax. You know, this nigga told me
that I could do more. I said I could. I'll crack it up. But you know, I'm just,
I'm happy. I'm content with this episode. Same. Very happy. But that ends everything.
Make sure y'all follow Hoesome Black Girl at H-E-A-U-X-S-O-M-E, Black Girl. And that's it.
I will see y'all next time. Bye.