Mike Randall, our Mark Randall, used to go to
Waitrose. Then his trust hit. Inflation hit.
Guess what happened? The man had to shop at Lidl's.
The drop -off was significant. The food I was
eating was made out of bananas. Buttocks. Jemima's
in hospital. Back to the Stupid Opinion of Teenagers
podcast, season five, episode five. Hello. Hey,
guys. Hello, Evie. Hello, Will. Hello, Jemima.
Jemima? Jemima? Hello? She's not here. Where
is she? Well, Will, she's in hospital at the
moment. Jemima's in hospital. That's right, guys.
It's only Evie and I today. Yes. jemima's in
hospital why is that we don't know to be honest
i'm not sure she hasn't actually told us what
she wanted to make she wanted to sorry i'm mumbling
she was planning to come today but then she can't
well she cancelled because she's in hospital
all day sadly but she was planning to come today
and tell us why she was in hospital previously
she's been in hospital all week apparently and
that's not good I thought she was in and out
for like a minute. Yeah, in and out all week,
yeah. And, oh gosh, sorry. Oh, oh no, that's
a huge bunk. Break the mug. So, we don't know
why she's in hospital, but we're going to ring
her now. She probably won't pick up. She's not
really the best at picking up. So, let's see
if she does pick up. But how are you today? I'm
actually very good. Have you, what's been going
on today? I played a match. In what? Football.
A football match? Yes. Really? Well, yeah, we
do know you do play football. I do play football.
For an undisclosed team. Yes. That you do not
like for some strange reason. I don't know. I
prefer you on a different team. It doesn't matter.
How did it go? It went quite well. We drew. Really?
1 -1. 1 -1. We were winning most of the match.
Literally the last two minutes. The guy went
two minutes left. Yeah. And then they scored.
Really? It was in the corner, though, so it wasn't
goal. It was like... Right in the corner. In
the corner? In the corner, in the corner. What,
like a bottom corner finish, you mean? Yes. Deadly
finishes, deadly finishes. What was it, like
a prime strike at Haaland, bottom of the corner?
Oh, no, it was like an accent on one as well.
Oh, really? They were like, they tried to kick
it, and you didn't have that much power, except
for our goalie. Stop doing that. Because, like,
all the strikers were usually on my side, because
I was playing left today. I hate playing left.
Left back. Oh, yeah. I hate playing left back.
Yeah. Because they were all on my side, and they
kicked it to the left, and my goal was not expecting
it. Because our goals are quite big, obviously.
And so she was on the left, not the right. Oh,
really? And the ball just went in. So the keeper
was on two. She was too one -sided. Yeah. Oh,
dear. Oh, dear. Anyway. That was because, like,
five strikers were running down with the ball
on the left. Oh, okay. And what were the defenders
doing? Farting around. Well, we had two mids
and two defenders going for them. Okay. Well,
I guess the defenders are all out of position.
I also got a boot to the face. I don't know if
I told you that. A boot? A boot to the face.
Really? Yep. Studs? Yep, studs in my lip. Really?
I don't know if you can see it, but there. No,
I can't see it. On my lip. It was bigger earlier.
Yeah, you're lucky it's not that big now. But,
yeah, it's because studs are plastic. They're
not metal. Oh, okay. But I was going in for the
ball. Yeah, yeah. To get out because it went
right above my head. And I tried to kick it from
the other team. And I guess you got the foul,
right? No. They didn't even stop the game. Because
the referee, the ball hit my face, not her foot.
Really? But her foot went right into my mouth.
Really? Because I don't know, how did she get
her leg up that high as well? Well, it's possible.
Yeah, it's definitely possible. And it's definitely
a foul. That's dangerous play, referee. But I
guess your refs are probably part -time students.
Well, actually, no. He's older. And he's actually
a very good referee, to be honest. Really? He
taught us the timings. And he would be very supportive
to both teams. He was not biased. Good man, good
man. That's what you want to see. Sometimes you
get the second coach of the other team manage
the rest of the game. You're like, oh, for flip's
sake. It's literally their coach, so he's going
to be quite biased. And you always see the biasness
in him. Usually we get some 19 -year -old. He
doesn't speak. He just walks around like... And
then he always gets in the way of the ball as
well. Foul. He's just always there in front of
the ball. That's a shame. That's a shame. Right.
Jemima didn't pick up. So I think, why don't
we record a little voice memo for her? Like a
get well soon message. Yes. From both of us and
all of you guys from the podcast. So at home,
maybe not out loud because you may be embarrassed
that Timmy in the other room is going to hear
you. But in your heads, wish Jemima a happy recovery.
Hey, Jemima. Hey. We're on the podcast live right
now, so you'll probably see this in the episode,
but we both hope you get well. Say something.
Yeah, we hope you get better soon. Yeah. Hope
you're all right. Yeah. So, yeah, we hope you
do well, and tune in to the new episode, Stupid
Opinion Teenager Podcast. This is a free promotion,
so send this to your friends. Thanks, Jemima.
Get better soon. Bye. Get better soon. Bye. There
you go. Little 30 -second get -well message.
Right. That was... Okay, so football, you've
had that today. How about you? Well, today I've
been at work, so there's not really a lot to
report on, really, because it was quite a chill
day today. So there's nothing really to report
on there. Yesterday I had football as well, which
we won 2 -0 in. Well done. We didn't concede
in the last minute. Did I tell you about my other
score from last week? 3 -1. No. No. 8 -2. Oh,
yes, you did 8 -2. Yeah, sorry, I should mention
that. 8 -2. I can't remember telling you. No,
yeah, you did. Did you contribute to any of the
goals? Well, I'm defence. Yes, but I know if
you're on fullback, then you're sprinting down
the wing and you're getting some balls in, or
you're going to get your head on a corner. Okay,
well, I pay defence, not mid. Yeah, you get your...
Do you know the difference? What did I just say?
Our wings are mid to do that. Well, do defenders
go up for corners? Hello? Well, one does. One
goes up and two stay back. Well, yes, I know,
but maybe a midfielder. What about that little
Chubbo? She wasn't in today. Chubbo's not very
good, in my opinion. Don't be so rude. Anyway,
yes, so I had football, which was fun. Chelsea
also played. I'm not going to go into that because
no one cares. I care. Chelsea won 3 -0. There
you go. Against Nottingham Forest. I'm sorry
to go off topic again, but I had an argument
with an entire boss full of people about what
a better team is. And they were all saying, like,
Liverpool and Manchester United are the only
person there going, it's Chelsea. Okay, yeah,
definitely, definitely wrong there. Me? Yes.
I love my boys. Me? I love my boys, but... We're
not a very good team. Oh, no, we're not at all.
But you won. But I just like arguing with people
about teams. Yeah, well, Liverpool lost currently.
Liverpool lost a few minutes ago. We're recording
on a Sunday, the 19th. They lost to Manchester
United. So whoever says Liverpool are good. Yeah,
I love how we're going to be like that. They
lost that one match, but Chelsea lost an entire
season. What do you mean they lost an entire
season? I'm just... They would be relegated if
they lost an entire season. No, I mean like overall.
Yeah, I know what you're trying to say. Anyway,
we're moving on from football. We don't have
many football listeners, I'm sure. Yeah. Yeah.
Anyway, that's pretty much what's happened this
week. It's end of term for me. So schools complete
the mundo this week. I don't have to go in next
week. Evie does. Which is fun. I've had all my
tests this week. I mean, I would report on some
scores, but I'm not going to. I had cake as well.
Because I bet you got like 100 in all of them.
No. Doesn't want to upset me. I get like really
bad scores. No, no, she doesn't. She's a very,
very good academic scholar. So, every other Friday
in chemistry, I have cake, chemistry cake, or
cake with Colin. Chemistry cake. Chemistry cake.
Do you make it with the leftover... Chemicals.
No, no, we don't use bloody potassium and, you
know, all the sodium to make up a cake. No. So
on the rota, so, you know, register, whoever's
next in the register has to bring in a cake.
So it was my day to bring in a cake, and I brought
in a cake, a caramelised chocolate cake, and
we had it in the chemistry lesson. Which was...
That's dangerous. Don't worry, we had it outside
of the classroom. There's no contamination. Sorry,
I just wanted to say that. That's very dangerous.
Yeah, don't worry. There's a physics teacher
in my school who's like, you can't wait in the
classroom if there's no teacher in there. So
you have to walk out of the classroom and wait
until your teacher spawns in. Well, my old science
class, the door would always lock and you wouldn't
be able to open it from the outside. So we'd
be waiting there for like five minutes because
our teacher would have to go round the stock
cupboard to get in to open the door. And you
would have to get your water bottle and stand
outside. So even in the very back of the classroom,
you'd have to walk all the way out just to get
a drink. Or back in. There's levels, Chubb, and
your levels are dropping when I hear this. This
is not good. What do you mean by my levels? Well,
just your levels of quality of life. Imagine
having... I can just drink in the classroom.
I just go glug, glug, glug, glug. That's dangerous,
though. According to my teacher, it's very dangerous
because of chemicals that can be used on the
tables. Yeah, but when you're a sixth form, you
get away with it, let's say. They don't care
if you die. No. You're in sixth form. I think
they just... They know that... If you don't have
tough lookies, who cares? They know that distilled
water is not going to bloody kill you. Or they
know that bits of iodine from your iodine test
isn't going to kill you. They've got brains,
you see. They've got brains. Anyway, moving on.
Have we said everything in the week? You don't
need to add anything. Yeah, pretty much. Awesome.
Right. Okay, so we've got a few things planned
this week. How we're 10 minutes in. Awesome.
So we've got a few things planned this week.
Evie and I had a former podcast that didn't actually
get published in the end due to legal reasons.
AKA me. Yeah, due to Evie. Butt cheek. Anyway.
Excuse me. We, in that podcast, siblings, sit
down, by the way. We... You won't be able to
check it out. No, it's not up there. But we rated
the UK supermarkets. Which ones are the best?
Yes. We did do that. Sorry, I'm just thinking.
Great. Okay, anyway. Yeah, so what we're going
to be doing is we're going to actually re...
jig that conversation into stupid opinion of
teenagers podcast the best podcast uh because
i've completely forgotten what we said and i've
actually got a tier list up here now so i can
actually keep track of what we say so i'm gonna
skip out the ones like farm food and heroin food
oh no no it's here on food there was a little
mark that looked like it said heroin Or heroin.
Heroin. Anyway, it's not heroin food. Okay, so
let me give you the supermarkets that we're going
to actually rate today. And everyone who lives
in the UK will know shops like Lidl's. The arse
-cheekin' Lidl's. And then, no, Waitrose, which
is... That's Lidl on Price. Sorry? That's Lidl
on Price. Oh my gosh, I saw this. I saw this.
It said, what was it? Good quality and Lidl on
Price or something. Good quality food and packaging
and little on price. No, no, no. Little on price.
And it's literally, it's little on quality and
packaging, little on price as well. Because little
are f***ing terrible. I saw an advert that said,
oh, come get your freshest food. Freshest food
from Lidl's. Oh, let me tell you, they're fish,
they're meat. Their vegetables are absolutely
crap. It may be the area we live in, but it's
crap. It probably is. If you want fresh food,
go to a farm shop. Morrison's, Sainsbury's. Obviously,
I mean, Waitrose and... I get fine stuff from
Morrison's. Do you? Yes. Fresh food? Yes. You
don't even have meat, so I'm not going to ask
about fresh meat. Because I'm vegetarian. Yes.
Anyway. How is a vegetarian? Is it tough? Very
nice. Is it weird? I don't miss meat at all.
Oh my gosh. She answer. Yes, she did. I'll read
out Jemima's message later. No, it was a personal
one. So, how is it being vegetarian? It's not
hard at all. Really? You just don't eat meat.
Yes, I know, but does it... I mean, maybe you
miss, you know, eating the steak. No, I agree.
The blood. When I was younger, I did not like
meat. Really? I found chicken too, like... That
makes it smooth. Does that make any sense? Sausages
are too thick. Whenever I would eat, especially
here, you'd bite down on it, and there'd be like
a little bit you couldn't chew. You know what
I mean? And it would be there. Oh, no, I know
what you mean. It's just a certain cut. Some
pieces of chicken will be... Oh, I'm talking
about sausages. Oh, sorry, I zoned out for a
second. Sausages. Some sausages, the ones in
my school, used to have big chunks of fat in
them. It was disgusting. But, yeah, no, I understand
sometimes some meat can be imperfect. They're
all disgusting. Fine. Unless it's very cruel.
Just be like, ooh, big farm of cows. Kill them.
Yeah, I know, but I have to bring out the thing
I've said to you multiple times. Can I just say
one more thing? Okay, yeah. What do they do with
the meat that people don't buy? They just kill
that animal for no reason. Yeah, but they will
sell most of the meat from the animal. I mean,
not the bloody... the empty bits that no one
wants, but the actual cut. Yeah, because they've
just gone rid of loads of it. Do you know how
much you get from one single cow? Yeah, and they
use all of it. A cubic metre. And they use all
of it. They can feed nearly a thousand people
with a full cow. I mean, the eyes will probably
be sent to a specific... That's disgusting. But
why do they need a whole 10 million cows? They
don't have 10 million cows. A farmer doesn't
have too many cows. They've got loads of cows.
A farmer probably has, what, 20 cows? And obviously
he'll breed them. He'll have his calves for certain
ones that are the breeding cows. Then maybe they'll
have milk cows. Then they'll have the killing
cows, which obviously just kill them. Okay, I
was going to do a disclaimer before we continue
this. Didn't hear a word you said. No disclaimer.
No disclaimer. I am not vegan. What is the difference?
I am not the vegan teacher. I am vegetarian.
What is the difference between vegetarian and
vegan? Vegans don't eat meat. And they also don't
eat meat products. So they don't eat stuff like
honey and milk and eggs. Nothing that comes from
animals. Okay. Vegetarians do eat that stuff.
They just don't eat the actual animal. Okay,
so you can eat eggs. So I can eat eggs. I want
to drink milk, but I don't like it. I can eat
eggs and honey, but I just don't eat the animals.
Okay, I didn't know that. I'm not a vegan teacher.
I don't know what a vegan teacher is. Just as
Lady Razzle about being vegan and how everything
you do is awful. You use Crayola pens. You're
an animal abuser. What the heck? Crayola pens
are the goated pens. I know, they're the best
pens. They always got the best colouring picture
books. Anyway, moving on. to what shops are we
actually going to rate today? So we're going
to rate the spa. Hang on, hang on. We know the
spa, don't we? No, I don't. Spa. Think of spa.
Oh, spa. The spa. I was thinking like S -P -A.
So spa. S -P -A -R. Do you mean the bottle? Sainsbury's.
Sainsbury's, okay. The goats. The goats. The
goats. Aldi. Asda. Morrison's. Poundland. Oh,
wait. Do you know that they removed a lot of
Poundlands recently? Really? They've gotten rid
of most of them. Well, they're a bunch of shite
anyway, Poundlands. Bunch of crap. So, good.
And then Home Bargain. Home Bargain. I think
I know Home Bargain. I don't go there very often,
but I know them. I thought it was like shopping,
like adventure items. It's there. It's on the
list, so we're keeping it. Iceland. We know Iceland.
We used to get some in Iceland. Yeah, yeah. Poundworld.
I've never heard of Pound World. Why did you
skip the food warehouse? What do you mean the
food warehouse? Isn't that before Iceland? Does
that say food warehouse? No, that's home bargain.
That was food warehouse. No, no. I swear it's
that. Sorry. Pound World, yeah, we've done that.
Lidl's. Lidl on price. Lidl on price, yeah, seriously.
Co -op. Get your co -op funerals now. You've
not seen that advert? No. Marks and Spencers.
Tesco. Let's go. Tesco Club Hard. Accepted. And
Waitrose. Okay? There you go. Why do you give
all the same fancy to everyone and then you go,
and Waitrose. Waitrose. I love Waitrose. Waitrose
are the goats. Okay, Waitrose are the... We already
know Waitrose are the best. We're saying it now.
What about Stacey's and Morrison's? Hang on.
Let's get into it. Let's do spa first. Everyone
at home, type in your comments, please. It is
part of a gas station, but there's millions of
spas all over the world. I've been to a spa.
Not over the world, but I don't know if they're
worldwide. So, what do you think about spas?
You know spas. Yes, they're pretty good. Are
they? Not amazing. Here they are. See, no, spa
is a shop. Have you never been to them before?
No. No, I have been to a spa before, but I've
not really gone like, oh, let's go down to the
spa, because I love spa. What are the rankings?
Oh, that's a very good point. I was just thinking
we just rank them best and whatever, but yeah.
S tier, A tier, B tier, C tier, D tier. I would
say spa is like a C, from what I can see on here.
Okay. What would you say? I would say, yes, Spa
is a C. Spa isn't that bad. I feel like Spa does
have some good things, if I can remember correctly.
Yeah, it's got some good stuff. It's good quality.
It's more of your local kind of shop. You're
not going to see that in... You won't see that
in Northampton. Or, yeah, anywhere. Or Liverpool.
Yeah. All the fancy places in the world. Yeah.
I mean, you're definitely not going to see that
in London or just down the road in Nottingham.
You're not going to just see that. Get there.
I don't know. No, I don't want to hear anything
about that. American listeners, we'll give you
your own separate episode about Walmart and Target.
7 -Eleven. Yeah, that place. Okay, next one.
Sainsbury's. Now, everyone. Go to Estia. Just
go straight up to Estia. I love Sainsbury's.
Sainsbury's, no, no, no. Hold on, lady. Yeah,
no, Sainsbury's is probably my favourite shop,
but is it the best? Yes! No! Yes! It's not an
S -tier shop. It is an S -tier shop. It is Sainsbury's.
Sainsbury's. Come on, tell me why it is an S
-tier. Don't just say because it is. It's got
amazing quality. It has decent. It has very good
quality. Very good, but it doesn't have the best
quality. No, there was this old miserable worker
once who didn't want to put my jelly back on
the thing. It was an open jelly. It had an open
slit in. Usually they're very nice. You've obviously
got next prices. Yes, but with a Tesco club card,
you have a Tesco club card, you know? Yes. Prices
are cheaper than Tesco's. No, they're not. No,
they're not. Yes, they are. No, they're not.
Sainsbury's are not cheaper than Tesco's. No,
they're not. Trust me, lady. Sainsbury's are
not cheaper than Tesco. Tesco's is generally
cheaper than Sainsbury's. Evie, Tesco's is everybody's
shop, from poor to ultra -rich. Tesco's covers
it all. Tesco's is ultimately the best shop.
For every level. This is the Tesco sponsor, William
Jones. No, we're not sponsored by Tesco. But
I am saying that Tesco covers it all. Sainsbury's
is... Sounds like an advert. Sainsbury's, I'm
sorry, but if you're working at Jeremy Lynch's
local mechanic shop and you're earning 2p an
hour, which is way below minimum wage, maybe
there is someone out there who's basically...
doing that he's not going to sainsbury's is he
this jam he's not going to sainsbury's i know
but you know what i'm trying to say though yeah
he's not gonna eat actually anyway um sainsbury's
i think we put it in a yeah he's going for the
bins the scraps he's like ratatouille um sainsbury's
in a fine thank you We're not being an in -betweener.
Aldi. Aldi. I remember Aldi. I haven't shopped
at Aldi in a while because the Aldi near us,
you know, is terrible. I remember going there
after dropping you off to school. My grandad.
Do you? Yes, I do. Oh. Sorry. I'm not a big fan
of Aldi, to be honest. No. No, nothing wrong
about it. I'm not being offensive. I feel like
Aldi wanted to copy Lidl. Just look at them.
They look very... They D -L to end it. You know,
they got L. They're like, if you take away the
A... D -L to end it. L -D. Look at it. Look at
that. If you take away the A in L -D, it's...
It's D -I. It's I -D -I. No, if you have the
L, L -D -I, take away the A, so it's L -D -I,
so it's going to be... Little, little, little,
little. Like, not little. It's going to be little,
little, little. Like that. I don't know how you're
getting that. I'm so confused. Okay. As, as da,
as in as, no, there's one more about as da. Yeah,
what are you on? Aldi. Oh, no. Would be L -L
-D -I. L -D. Oh, yeah. L -D. L would be... Okay,
well, yeah. Liddle would be... No, but actually,
no, if you turn it on the other way, if you go
I -D -L, it's... Oh, yeah. Liddle. Lid. It's
lid. Oh, no. It's liddle. Yeah. It is literally
liddle. It is liddle. Yeah. Turn it around and
put an L in front. It's liddle. Exactly. Thank
you. No, I thought you were getting me with that.
So, I think we put... I'm being... I'm saying
it now. This is a hot shake. What? With Gello?
Poundland's in this bloody thing. So? Okay, for
now, okay, yep. I may be a bit biased, but I
like Poundland. No, no, but think. If I'm saying
Lidl, it's literally... No, yeah. Oh, well. Aldi,
Aldi, D. No. Yes. Okay, yeah. You're not putting
Poundland in D. Okay, we're coming to that. You
put Poundland in D, but not Poundland. I've got
some pretty good deals at Poundland, okay? Is
it good quality? The quality is low. Most of
it is, just not the mascara. Don't buy the mascara
at Poundland. No, we're just going to buy...
with Scarra from Poundland. I did. Someone in
their right mind wouldn't do that. I did. And
it gave me an electric reaction on my eye. Couldn't
see out of my left eye. I'm not surprised. No
wonder. I don't want to know what they put in
that. I don't want to know because it's going
to be some horse shit they've pulled up from
the bloody backyard. It's terrible. We'll come
to Poundland. So, yeah, Asda. I don't like Asda.
I don't like the 80s. Yeah, there's a theme going
on there. No, but seriously, Asda's a decent
shot, but I don't like Asda because they don't,
the quality's okay. The quality's okay. It's
better than Lidl's, definitely, but I've never
liked Asda just for some weird, the environment.
So we're going to have a few categories that
we kind of pinpoint through all of this. It's
environment, quality. price pretty much that's
the basic and we could add an extra one in and
i've literally just said the quality is okay
and the price is the price the price is reasonable
no but i think the environment personally is
whereas with spa c tier i think it no no spa
can stay in c tier but it hits all of those environment
price and i think yeah but you know it hits all
of them but at a decent level. Oh, okay. So it's
like, okay, you hit it, but it's... You could
put Asda in C. I think Asda's a C. Asda's a C
tier, but it's a low C tier. So would that be
D? Yeah, no, no. It's not a D tier, but it's
a low C tier. It's... Asda's iffy. I don't know
about Asda. They're good, no, but they're very
good, but no, they're B tier. Okay. Asda are
B tier. But I see the next one. I was going to
say right now it's S tier. Lady, lady, can I
just... Calm down. Calm down. I've got three
favourite shops. Sainsbury's, Morrison's, and
I've forgotten the name of the other one. Waitrose,
Iceland. Waitrose. Okay, never mind. I've got
four. Waitrose and Co -op. Four. Okay. Morrison's.
This is the one you've seen. Morrison's. Estia.
Estia. You want me to put Morrison's? There is
no option. Estia. You want me to put Morrison's
and Estia? Estia. Evie. Evie. S tier. Nice environment,
nice prices, and nice quality. It's very good
quality. Very, very good quality. Yeah, the quality
is not very... Their quality is very good. It's
not amazing. It's not the best. Well, no shop's
got amazing quality. No, Waitrose ticks the box
for amazing quality. And Marks and Spencers,
surely. Because they're the luxury shops. Marks
and Spencers. They're the luxury shops. Their
prices are extremely high. You wouldn't be able
to put that... Yes, but it's definitely justified.
Their prices are justified by their quality.
Morrisons are justified by their quality. Okay,
you know what? No. Morrisons are not very expensive.
They're a decent price. They are a good environment,
like you said, and the quality is decent. So,
yes, Evie, actually, it's not the best, but it's
definitely a nest here, Morrisons. Yes! I'll
give you that. Think of it. Morrisons, for the
quality they have and the price they set, it's
definitely justified. Well, Sainsbury's now...
Well, no. Sainsbury's definitely is an A. I feel
like Sainsbury's sometimes is a B. It's very
good, but... I don't know. Sometimes it's very
good. Poundland. B. No, not B. Not B. C. Okay,
thank you. You're being reasonable. I didn't
mean to say B. Yeah. I would put Poundland in
D, but I do see people get a lot of bargains
there. Yes, you've got some very nice bargains
there, because everything's reasonable price.
I have a friend who... Works at Poundland. No.
I have a friend who bought some sunglasses from
there. They were white with, you know, shaded
glass in the middle. Yeah, they were called the
Pivot Pros. If you get it, you get it. Oh, I
know who he is. Yeah, if you know, you know.
So they were golden. They were proper classy.
But they were bargains. And that's why you love
the Poundland and the Pivot Pros. So, yeah, C
tier. The quality is definitely crap. It's not
that bad. Oh, come on. Listen, there are... You're
saying this. The quality's good when you were
f***ing blinded by... I like to talk about how
bad the mascara was, okay? That's the quality.
Because I was very done by buying it because
I wanted to get a bargain because the shot I
went to before that, the mascara was like 20
quid. I'm not spending 20 quid on mascara. Pelham
was like 99p. Yeah, well, there you go. I'm not
spending... You kind of walked into your own
gap there, didn't you? My hair went in both eyes
because she put it on both. I only put it on
one, which has a difference between my mascara
and this Pan Am mascara. She put it on both.
She got blinded in both eyes. Really? Yes. Oh,
dear. Shame. Shame, shame, shame. Home Bargain.
Don't know too much about Home Bargain, really.
I've heard it's pretty good. I've been there.
It's a bit like Home Sense, but with food. Oh,
okay. Should we just put them in C, really? Yeah.
Because we don't really know a lot about them.
We'll put them in the top of C. They can go in
there. Right, Iceland. We do know a bit about
Iceland. We used to get our food from Iceland,
and it was pretty decent quality. It wasn't amazing.
Is Ocado on there? Ocado is, isn't it Waitrose?
It's like joint with Waitrose. I'm pretty sure
it is. Oh, never mind. I think so. So, Iceland
was pretty good. It was obviously frozen stuff,
mainly. Yeah. It had a very good quality. It
was good quality. I think Iceland's a B, a high
B tier. High B tier. High B tier. It's good quality.
I've never been in the shop. I have. Have you?
A good environment? Well, there's not many workers
there, to be honest. Oh, really? But it's quite
nice. It's one of the prettiest. So it's more
of a little, it's like a co -op. It's not a big
supermarket. No, it's pretty big. Oh, really?
So if you have been to, I'm not going to say
it, but if you knew where Old Toys R Us was.
Yeah, I know. Go to the left, go to the right
of it. You've got some shops. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then you've got Iceland. Okay, I didn't know.
I went in there once with a friend and a mum.
Yeah. You would basically just make a load of
freezers and crutches. Oh, really? But it wasn't
a bad environment. It wasn't bad. Okay. Because
I didn't feel, like, scared or anything. No,
no, no, okay. Well, yeah, I think B justifies
Iceland, though. Yeah. Pound World. Didn't even
know they existed. But I just want to take the
piss out of them. I don't want to search up.
Pound World, from right now, they are the biggest
scams of Poundland. So right now, you get to
go in detail. Pound World is arse. Pound World.
Let me have some pictures. Show me some pictures.
It looks like a bookstore from what I can see.
She's probably putting some... Pound World just
isn't... Everything's one pound. Jeez, look at
that. Oh, look at that horse shit place. That's
terrible. More toys, more savings. Yeah, Pound
World goes straight at the bottom. It's like,
you know, the works. All those signs say £1.
There is no... Who's going in? Proper... Yeah,
okay. There is a lot of people in there. What
are you on about? Look at that. Yeah, okay. Moving
on, moving on, moving on. Yeah, maybe they want
some bargains on the expensive stuff. Maybe they
reach £1 .50 and people are like, my gosh, it's
dropping to £1. This is unbelievable. I don't
know, you never know. Lidl's. Lidl on quality
and Lidl on price because they're absolutely
dog shit. Listen, I've heard a lot of people
who back Lidl because of the Lidl's bakery. The
Lidl's bakery... That is very nice, to be honest.
I used to have the Lidl's bakery every single
day. And let me tell you, Lidl's is just an average
bang smack in the middle. Their food, their pastries,
their bread is... It's okay from the bakery.
It's okay. The tiger bread is nice. Yeah, but
let me tell you... Marks and Sparks or Tesco's
or Sainsbury's whip out better bakery stuff.
So people who say Lidl's bakery is epic. Lidl's.
Can I make a new category? Is that possible?
Can I make a worse category for this? Well, everybody,
everybody. Lidl's goes in ungradable category
because Lidl's, I don't want to grade. I will
not grade them because they're dog crap. I have
Lidl's. There's a tragic story. People know that
it's below D. It's ungradable. Let me tell you
people, inflation is trust. She's stupid. She
looks like a clown. No, of course she's not.
She's probably smoking tequila on the Mallorca
sunset. That's not the point. Mike Randall used
to go. to Waitrose. Do you remember that? I remember
that time. He used to shop at Waitrose. He lived
the luxury. Then his trust hit. Inflation hit.
Guess what happened? The man had to shop at Lidl's.
The drop -off was significant. The food I was
eating was made out of bananas. Buttocks. So
Lidl's goes in the ungradable because I am clearly
biased against it and I will not hear anything
for it because it's crap. Moving on swiftly.
Co -op. Co -ops, yeah, yes. I'm happy you didn't
say S. I'll give you that. I wouldn't say it's
the top of the top. No, but when you want something,
just pop down to the co -op and it's there. Exactly.
It's there. And it's a pretty good product as
well. It does the job. It does the job. It's
just that the prices are okay. I've never tried
the bakery stuff. No, no, I've not tried the
bakery stuff. But I like the fact that if you
buy a certain amount of things, the price goes
down. I'm pretty sure, well. No, I'm not talking
about cup. I'm talking about if you buy one drink
and a packet of crisps. You get like a deal.
You get a deal for it. If you buy three chocolate
bars, you get it for like the price of one and
a half. So if you buy three, should you get it
for two? That seems more justified. You get it
for one and a half, that's fair. Because if you
do the math, it's not half, it's one and a half.
Yeah, that's fair enough. Okay, we're getting
to the big daddies now. You know, we're looking
at, you know, Big John and his old friend Paul.
This is when it gets serious. Marks and Spencers.
Marks and Sparks. M &S. Whatever you want to
call them. Nice quality. Very good quality. Very,
very nice quality. And very high price. The quality
is high, but so are those prices. Yeah, but I
feel like the prices are justified. I do say
that. And the environment's nice. Yeah, the clothes
are good. The clothes are cheaper than the food
is. Yeah, but the clothes are also very good
quality, in my opinion. I think the clothes are...
I would prefer to go to Marks and Sparks than
Primark. I mean, Primark, luckily, maybe we do
a... Primark shorts. I mean, Evie just lives
in Primark, pretty much. All our clothes are
Primark. Well, actually, this is M &S. Well,
okay. Okay, that's lucky. Lucky, lucky. This
is also a vintage shop in Bournemouth. That's
very nice, actually. Harley Quinn. I thought
so. I thought so. It says on the back, property
of the Joker. Very nice. Very nice. So, yeah,
no, I would prefer to, we're going to do a clothes
shop, like H &M or H &V or whatever it's called.
H &V is not, H &V is just bandies. H &M is like
a shop. No, H &M is the shop for clothes. H &V
is more like music and like anime and stuff.
Fine, fine, fine. We'll do a clothes ranking
because Primark are going to be right at the
fucking bottom. No, they're not. They do pretty
good quality clothes. I hate them. Sorry, sorry.
Jeez, Will. Marks and Sparks, I think, as good
as they are, they're the best of A tier. Okay?
It's just their prices. Their prices are high,
and they are justified, but they're not justified.
That gets them into S tier. I think that's when
you get to Waitrose, you can say, yeah. That's
S tier. Can you put that in now? Oh, we're just
going to skip Tesco's. We're going to put Tesco
in in a minute. Waitrose goes in there, in S
tier. In S tier. Right. Let's get to Tesco. It's
the final man of the hour. What were you going
to say? I'm probably going to be biased here.
I'm not the biggest fan of Tesco. Really? Yep.
I don't like the environment in our local, in
our closest Tesco. I know the Nottingham Tesco.
I mean, down there. I'm not the biggest fan of
them. Every time I go in, it's like, it's not
my favourite thing to go in. No, I agree. The
environment for me is not good. This is a personal
preference, the environment sector, and I don't
like it. Neither do I. I think the prices are
obviously good, and I feel like the quality is
good. Everyone shops at Tesco's. Everyone shops
at Tesco's. Yeah. So I... Tesco's are the biggest,
biggest... No way. You can't... Tesco's are the
biggest worldwide. You can't compete with Tesco's.
I think Tesco's... ATL? Yes. I'm not going to
say S tier personally. I'm going to say A tier.
Okay. A tier. They are, maybe they're the best
of A tier. No. Okay, Marks and Sparks are the
best of A tier. So are Sainsbury's, I tell you.
No, Sainsbury's, they're in A tier. We've got
a lot of A tiers. What are the other three? No,
these guys, farm food and heroin food, we're
not counting. What's on before it? I don't know.
It just looks stupid and we're not counting it.
It doesn't matter. No one's heard of those bloody
shops. Anyway. We're going to give out our rankings
right now, everyone. So, D tier. Bottom. Sorry.
Ungradable tier. Lidl's. They're just irrelevant.
Moving on. D tier. Pretty much the bottom of
the bag. Pound World. You know. It's in the name.
It's in the name. They're just crap. Aldi. We
put Aldi in D tier. Hot Take, maybe. I don't
know. They're okay. C tier. Poundland. Okay.
Does the job. Spa, again, does the job. And Home
Bargain, I think it does the job from what I
know. You think? B tier. Now we're getting into
some decent stuff. Asda. Okay. You know. Iceland.
Yeah. Good. And then A tier. This is when you
can't go wrong. Okay. You can't go wrong if you
shop at one of these shops. Okay. Marks and Sparks
is expensive, but when you get your food, you're
going to be like, yeah, I think it was worth
it, definitely. But it's not where you go for
your daily shop. No, it's definitely not. Unless
you're part of the world family. Well, no, they
get their own specials. Unless you're rich. Very
rich, very rich. It's more like your Christmas
dinner and people are coming over, you want to
have fancy food. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Then we
have Tesco's. Yeah, we talked about that. Of
course. Sainsbury's. What does it say there?
I love Sainsbury's. No. Well, yes, I know you
do, but it's for Sainsbury's. It says live well
for less. Wow. We are still not cheaper than
all the other ones we've talked about. I love
Sainsbury's. Co -op. Then after Sainsbury's.
Co -ops are good as well. So we were talking
about some good shops there. Then S tier, the
best shops. You cannot go wrong with their price,
their environment, and their quality. Stop. Spot
on. It suits the shop. It suits the people it's
trying to aim for. Waitrose, it's trying to reach
a high -class audience. It's trying to reach
people who have got a bit of cheddar, and it
meets that high quality. It's very good. Morrison's.
The everyday people. It's for the higher, lower
class, or the middle class. I shop at Waitrose.
No, not Waitrose. I don't think you do, buddy.
We shop at Morrison's. Middle class or higher,
lower class. No, you're not. We ain't got the
money for that one. Okay, Morrison's then. Take
you off on there. Okay, Morrison's good. It's
for the everyday people. Everyday people, there
you go. Fine. There's our ranking. Okay, yeah,
so we just had a quick break and Evie just brought
up what top I have on. And I have a French national
team top on. And I actually wanted to bring this
up. This is, by the way, Zidane, 1999. It's France.
It's a French top. I wanted to do this with Jemima,
but she's not here. I wanted you to, whenever
I wear a football top, rate it out of 10. Rate
it? Rate it. Out of 10, this top. What am I rating
it on? It's looks. It's, you know, practicality.
If I was just walking around in life. It's not
very practical. What do you mean very practical?
Just think of it. So? Is it nice colour? Will
it fit in with the environment? It's nice coloured,
yes. I'm not a big fan of design. You look like
a mob boss. Okay. It's like 90s. Okay. Yeah.
I look like a mob boss around there. Okay. Out
of 10? Mm -hmm. Six or five. Wow. Zidane. The
classic French Zidane top. It's not a very nice
looking top. World Cup. Especially with your
chain and your watch. It's just really putting
off. Yeah. No, to be fair, the chain and the
watch doesn't actually help in this situation.
You look like a mob boss. Okay. So moving on.
Maybe there's your cigar. Okay. I don't actually
have one with me, but maybe I will come up and
become, you know, what do you call me, eh? How
you doing, Al? How you doing, brother? I don't
know. That was a mix of gang man in London and
Italian mafia boss. That was horrendous. I'm
so sorry. How you doing, brother? I don't know.
Sorry. Sorry. You always know who's getting this
film, don't you? It's actually Al Caput. Al Caput.
I can't say it. Al Caput. Al Pacino. Al Pacino.
You always just see him going, how you doing
there, brother? Yeah, Al Pacino doesn't do that.
I have a question for you. Go on. A simple question.
Okay. If you had a time machine, would you travel
to the past, okay, or would you travel to the
future to meet your ancestors or descendants?
Well... I don't want to go to see my ancestors,
but I'd go to the past. You'd go to the past?
Yes, very simply go to the past. Why? What would
you want to go see if you went to the past? If
you weren't going to see your ancestors? Do you
know me? I would go to these mega concerts. In
the past? Just for fucking concerts, man. I'd
go to see Woodstock 99. I'd go to the Green Day
Mud Fight. In that concert, that'd be amazing.
Maybe. Going to when Caesar was stabbed in the
back by Brutus would be quite interesting, actually.
Or maybe going to see, I don't know, Henry Tudor
get crowned. Do you know what I would also do?
I'd find the person who thought it would be nice
to put no pockets in jeans and dresses. Well,
you would go and kill them, would you? Yes. I
would stop them from getting their mention. Because
you know how awful no pocket jeans are. Bad,
aren't they? It's like... It's like they had
a deal with purse companies like, we're not going
to put pockets in their clothes so that you can
sell them purses. It's all a fix. Oh, gosh. Okay.
Talking about concerts and music, you've actually
led me beautifully into... Oh, you didn't actually
say this because the episode didn't go out. But
I am every week... revealing to you a little
secret. Evie, tell the people about my music.
He listens to nothing. He hates everything. I
hate music. He doesn't, he doesn't. I try and
show him music, he comes in, I've got this one,
he's like, turn that rubbish off. Okay, that's
okay. But no, yes, this is why. Do you remember
Boat Girl, guys? Remember Boat Girl? Be bringing
you on a story. of what's going on, what's going
on. This is like a mini boat girl before the
actual boat girl comes. There's going to be an
actual boat girl. Okay, we'll see. But this is
going to be a little mini side quest that you
guys are going to learn because at the moment,
I hate all fucking music. Pokemon music. Are
we playing Pokemon? No. They've got little side
quests. Oh, I see what you mean. Okay, very funny.
But yes, I will reveal to you because I do like
one type of music. Game music, isn't it? I mean,
film music. I guess that doesn't count, though.
That's not intro. Why would I do a whole little
mini side quest just to tell you, oh, I love
James Bond's main theme tune or Star Wars. No
one gives a fart! This one is embarrassing. Is
it a band or is it a singer? It's a band. I told
you this last time, I think, if it was a band
or a singer. And now my secret to tell you, a
little hint. I guess it would tell me. I'll tell
you next time when Jemima's here. Okay. If you
get it right. But if you don't, keep guessing.
It is a band that was quite relatively popular
and it was quite new for its era. Okay. It was
quite... The Beatles? No. There wasn't too many...
It kind of lit up the new... I'm going to really
give it away. So I don't want to say it. You
said new. Are you talking about new metal? There's
a lot. Okay, actually. The band. I told you it
was a band. Think. Everyone at home. What band
has a lot of members in it? I know that there's
a lot of bands that have a lot of members in
it. But they have a lot of members who sing in
it. How are members we talk about here? I have
no idea. All I know is that. I can't just tell
you straight up. It's Amber, isn't it? No. You're
like, listen. You're like, what? No. No. All
I can tell you is that there's a lot of... They
all sing. They all sing. They all sing. They
all sing. Yeah, and... Spice Girls. What is that
guess? That's a ridiculous guess. Girls Aloud.
You said it was... You know the song's called...
I used to like the mother system. No, no, no.
But you said it was embarrassing. You're on to
something. You're on to something. Is it a girl
band? Don't stop guessing stupid things. So,
you know the Masked Singer? Yes. It's going to
be like that. Keep a guess in your head. You've
said the Spice Girls. You said Girls Aloud. Keep
it in your head because then you can have an
extra guess. You can actually put a final guess
in. Well, not a final guess, but you can put
a locked guess in next week. Okay, after I give
you another hint. Are you going to give me any
more clues? Yeah, next week. Any more clues today?
No. Of course not. The episode's got to end,
everybody. And that is it. Yeah, we have to end.
We're on 15 minutes. We've got to end quickly.
But we have a message from Jemima to end the
episode with. She's written it. And I will read
it out to you. Jemima is ill. Many people will
miss her. Many people will not miss her. They're
all here for Jemima. You said this. Hello from
me, everyone. Can't wait to be back for the Halloween
special. Coming next episode, by the way. I have
some... I have some fun things up my sleeves.
And thank you. I'm starting to get back better
much slowly. Am I just extremely dyslexic or
was she reading this wrong? I'm starting to get
much better slowly. But surely. So in other words,
Jemima's getting better and she'll see you next
week. So see you guys. See ya. Thank you for
tuning in and we'll see you next time. Bye. Goodbye.