Hello, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,
and welcome back to Law Crimes. Hello, everybody.
Hello. We've got something strange today, something
different, something new, something borrowed,
something new. Hal, what are we talking about
today? Yes, in our infinite wisdom, we have decided
that with these four definitely sane... grown
men here, we should review slash go over some
Warhammer Reddit threads. We've done a little
variety for you guys. Epic Keanu Chungus wholesome.
Some of these are some hobby nightmares. Some
of these are just good old, I mean, lore opinions.
We'll see. And we want to know what people, basically
what Reddit's cooking. We may do this again if
people enjoy this episode. To be honest, I don't
even want to necessarily waste any time. Maybe
we could open it up with, I believe this is,
most of this is from r slash Warhammer, r slash
40k lore, or all your usual suspects, though.
And we tried our best to find some threads that
hopefully people will find interesting. So, I
mean, we can go for the first one if that's there,
Andy. I do believe this one was specifically
about hobby nightmares, guys. And obviously,
if you're listening along. Please let us know
any of your particular hobby nightmares. I'm
trying not to piss myself the whole way through
this one because it honestly made me laugh hilariously.
Hal is the kind of guy to laugh at his own jokes
and now he's going to laugh at his own submissions.
But this is funny though. So for the audio listeners,
it says it starts with someone that used to work
at GW as a store assistant. And there was a story
that went around about an incident that occurred.
Two younger customers, brackets about 12. playing
a game with their new models they had gotten
over Christmas. Just as they were putting their
last models on the table, the ceiling collapsed.
The ceiling collapsed and a partial decayed body
fell onto the boredom model. No way. Nah, nah,
nah. No way. supposedly a homeless man who went
into the air system earlier on in the winter
to escape the cold and died. He had been there
a few weeks and the store thought the smell was
just the customers and the door being closed
a few days over the winter holidays. I know Warhammer
people get a bad rap for going into a store and
not wearing deodorant, but that's the way they're
to say. Rotting corpse seems a little extreme.
Can we get a note that Hal's first one and funniest
laugh is over a homeless man dying? A homeless
man's corpse fell onto the table while these
two 12 -year -olds were playing. God forbid someone
be dedicated to their vampire council army. followed
by the first comment underneath which was only
in 40k can the smell of a dead body be thought
of just the customers and then followed by another
comment which was uh my flgs has a bathing rule
if they can smell you you've got to go home and
aren't allowed back until you honestly pretty
pretty huge we have a rule at my lgs2 i uh my
old gw store it didn't have like a a hard set
rule but my managers told me on multiple occasions
he's kicked people out for that exact reason
he's like dude you are driving out customers
i can smell you from across the store it's time
to go yeah well again i i know a comedian and
she was like oh you're doing warhammer that's
cool like oh i've only ever been to a warhammer
shop once the only thing i remember was there
was a guy in there and he smelled really bad
like yeah Tends to be a habit. My personal horror
story is man wearing open -toed shoes in winter.
I would say now that the season can save that
because look, summer, that's fine. Winter, no,
it's not. We're talking like nearly longest day
of the year winter. Crazy. This is nuts though.
I give this 50 -50. This is a 50 -50 real or
not, personally. Maybe. This is hard to believe.
Are you telling me, Eli, you're not going to
give him an updoot or a bit of Reddit gold? Is
that what you're telling me? I'll give him a
wholesome Huggies award. I choose to believe
this story is real, not because it is true, but
because it is funny. I choose to believe every
4chan green text I read is real. Life's just
better that way. the upvotes by the way for the
comment underneath about the smell of dead body
being the customers has just as many as the actual
story itself yeah shout out to you shout out
to the picture of the warhammer tournament where
someone had oh my gosh those kids are freaking
traumatized bro those kids got traumatized for
sure i'm talking about the you know the picture
of like the um you know like they have in tournaments
or other places and you know in schools over
like long lines like the same type of chair and
it's like plastic or like you know spray painted
metal and there's the infamous picture of the
spray painted metal chair and it's got the streak
on it it's the warhammer tournament streak chair
i'm not looking it up nor am i putting it on
this podcast can you imagine cleaning up your
warhammer game after a dead guy like like rotting
corpse probably like maggots and stuff in it
and goop all over the table it's not quite the
same thing but when i worked in uh medical engineering
we were put up in like a gutted ward where there
was like lots of pipes there was there was stickers
on the ceiling saying do not disturb contains
asbestos so that was fun nice we also had like
we had to like barter and fight and scrounge
for everything we could get and we had shelving
and it was unfortunately underneath a waste pipe
and it had like thousands of pounds worth of
machines on it and one day i got a message from
my boss like oh by the way um could you send
a bunch of people over and i'm like why is it
oh a waste pipe has burst on all of these expensive
pieces of machinery and they are caked in poop
Yummy. I have another offering to begin this
group. This is also in the same Reddit thread,
by the way. Shout to Hobby Nightmares. I used
to work at GW a while back and we had a kid who
quite literally deep striked through the ceiling.
It was a massively busy day in a tiny store,
and this kid opened the door to the storeroom
without anyone noticing. The storeroom was upstairs
in the attic area, or in this attic area, but
only half of the upstairs area was actually floor.
The rest was just the top of the ceiling, which
I guess looked interesting enough for him to
step on. I was talking to some other customer
when suddenly there was an explosion of dust,
and this kid just plowed through the ceiling
like a drop pod. Again, the place was tiny. So
how he missed the tables, shelves, or any customers
is a mystery that still perplexes me. Not a scratch
on him either. Absolute madman. Followed by the
second comment, which is, thank God scatter dice
are no longer a thing. Oh my God. You know, that
one I can believe easily because that's a dumb
kid being somewhere he shouldn't. I can respect
that. Oh man, that is bad. I mean, whose parent
is not watching this kid, though? Oh, I wouldn't
be surprised. Have you seen kids these days?
You may probably just go leave them at the LGS
and go shop somewhere else. Andy, kids these
days, that is far less common nowadays than it
used to be. You go to the mall, have fun, little
Timmy. I'll see you in, you know, 10 hours. Something
that might show my age is that I would think...
Me and my brother were the last kids to, like,
play on our street. Like, outside. Yeah, me too.
And I don't think the younger kids did that.
That's how old I feel. I miss malls. Yeah, me
too, Ming. I wouldn't really have that here,
though, in that UK stuff. They're not as, like,
big. You have malls, but they're not, like, a
thing. They're not, like, a communal hub where
you hang out. They're more just, like, shop and
leave, please. I used to just, you know, once,
like... once a week maybe not once a week but
at least like once every two weeks some friends
and i we just we go to the mall we just go walk
around hang out get some food at the food court
maybe buy something let's go to the mall do you
reckon i think a case a crazy thing of like even
like this story of like like i think apparently
because obviously like it used to be a thing
like people's parents like take their kids to
warhammer shops and they'll be like well you
know we'll buy something today and then we'll
like take them as a group of kids and then we'll
like do it like paint up and they play a bit
Do you reckon the parents walk in the shops,
look at the price of a box, and go, never mind.
I wouldn't be shocked, yeah. I can't afford groceries,
let alone a defiler. This is too much money.
50 quid for a five -man group. Are you joking?
Yeah. This is my strong opening start, though,
I thought, which is, again, must be a massive
nightmare, legal -wise, in the shop for that.
That's a hell of a... Why do you have to say
the kid... Was he drop -potted? He deep -striped.
He deep -striped the kid. That sounds intentional,
but he thorned through the kid through the ceiling.
That is my opening contribution. Should I share
the one you supplied Colin? The first one? By
all means, I'd be happy to cover that. This one
is actually just kind of sad. uh see now i i
pulled up some green texts because i went through
our warhammer and a couple other ones forever
i don't know how hell found stories i was saying
it i'm legitimately kind of impressed because
it was just 10 000 shitty memes upon me yeah
yeah wholesome stuff i googled like warhammer
horror story reddit and then i found some but
yeah i wasn't doing it i did not scroll through
reddit 40k there's no freaking way i was gonna
do that but no i have so much of my soul that
can be leeched off of me and my life force drained
i like this one because it's it's sad though
uh so me and my childhood friend get into warhammer
together when we're 10 friend gets dark angels
and i get imperial guard Played a lot of 2v2
games, and he'd always deep strike his deathwing
to protect my artillery and painted models to
look like us. And here's the whammy. Friend died
from cancer five years ago and left all of his
Warhammer stuff to me. Always bring an allied
detachment of dark angels. Deathwing now. Always
have them deep strike to protect my basilisk.
Have won me many games, including one where the
model representing my friend rolled four sixes
in melee and slaughtered a demon prince. His
models always seem to roll well. It hurts Anons.
That is a rollercoaster, man. That one's sad,
but I don't know. That's like the bittersweet,
touching kind of sad. That one's nice. That one
kind of gets me. We're all real human beings.
Every now and again, something unfortunate isn't
terrible. Maybe. I have a memory of that, because
I had a similar thing with a friend, and then
they loved Halo. I didn't have an Xbox at the
time, but I still have a cool memory of them
just absolutely ramming through Halo. Like even,
oh God, that would be, I don't know if it's Halo,
I don't know if it is like Reach or if that's
Halo. It might even be the goddamn first Halo.
But I was like, yeah, I remember that. I'm like,
damn. So I have cool memories of that game. Even
though I was a bit younger than him, so I just
remember watching it and I was like, this is
so cool. oh my god damn cool unfortunately i
was like the only kid who had an xbox so all
the other guys were playstation guys and i'd
be like halo's cool and they're like nah like
is war and mass effect cool because mass effect
used to be an exclusive it's like no yeah that's
right and then they're like do you want to play
uncharted i'm like is it multiplayer and they're
like that stinks so well and then they made a
multiplayer one oh it's still bad it still kind
of sucks Hey Andy, do you want to play Killzone?
Thank you. It's dreadful. When you played Halo
at that era, it's like, Killzone. I'll say, Elo,
because you've been, I think out of all of us,
even though you're the youngest, you've been
probably collecting models longer than any of
us. Do you have any ones where it's like you
got that from someone else and it's still being
used to this day? Or most of your stuff is your
own poor financial decisions? I mean, I have
my friends. Eldar, who's a pilot, and he moved
away to Montreal and he works in Montreal as
a pilot. I don't know. That's cool. I don't know.
What's everyone's first Warhammer model, actually?
What's the first one they ever got? Eldar Viper.
I still have it. I still have a lot of my old
models, I guess. My brother -in -law painted
that knight back there. I can't even freaking
point to it. Oh my gosh. It is reversed. It's
reversed. I don't know, what else? I know mine
was, because I bought them at the same time,
those old, like the, I don't even remember the
name for them, but it came with, you know, paintbrush,
six fit -in models, or three fit -in models,
and some paints. I bought one of the three Stormcast
and one of the three Primaris Intercessors. God,
this is, you never, do you never own any, like,
firstborn before, or you were, like, I bought
some firstborn. Those were the first non -pushfit
thing I assembled. It's the Tactical Marines.
That seems like the best place to start learning
to paint the classic. That's where I got the
channel guy from. The little double fister. What
about you, Andy? Andy's more of a recent one.
He has his first one, don't you? My first. Oh,
well, technically, no, because I'm looking for
an image of the ones I used to collect because
I again, I've told the story before on the podcast,
but I could only afford like the the starter
sets that you could buy like five ultramarines
with like two, three paints. And that was the
only ones they stocked at the place where my
mom worked. But she had a discount. So it's like,
oh, cool, like 10 percent off. And I've got some
pictures now of like the abominations that were
available. uh let me just make them to jpeg so
i can share them and i i think at the height
of my painting at the time when i was like 10
-ish i must have had about 30 of these maybe
more and they're all the same color and it's
like it's like these fellas like that for classic
that's like my era good stuff i also distinctly
remember this one which is the uh the rocket
guy And I remember him because it's just the
proportions are so crazy with a rocket launcher.
Nice. They are cool. It's interesting how, like,
such, like, obviously people are like, oh, Warhammer's
not, like, grimdark anymore. And I always look
at older models, and I always think of, like,
they're so, like, pop -up, aren't they? They're,
like, cutesy. I miss the 80s. Me too. I was a
foolish child, and I would often, if I wanted
to start a new army, I would sell my older stuff.
Every time I've sold Warhammer, I've regretted
it almost every single time. So now I hold on
to most of the things that I get. I do remember
there was, I tell a slight lie, you could get
bespoke Warhammer stuff from a very small independent
shop in Guernsey, and it was called Beam Me Up
Scotty, but it was so expensive. All the stuff
in that shop was like, I have no pocket money.
I have zero pounds. I can't buy any of this.
And you just see like, oh, what's this like Star
Wars toy thing? And it's like, it's 80 pounds.
You're like, oh, okay. It's the early 2000s.
This sucks. My most nostalgic model is probably
my first crisis battle suit, which I got for
my birthday from my friend. It's not on my shelf,
I guess. He's probably actually probably back
there somewhere. But he's he's named he's named
Chrissy. He's Chrissy the crisis suit. I painted
him when I was a little kid. I wonder if he's
back there. He's probably behind that Vespid
box, if I had to guess. I like the way you say
that, like he's scurrying around when you're
not looking at a toy store. I played a goofy,
weird Warhammer guy in the play that I was in
when I was a kid, because you got to make your
own little thing. And I glued Chrissy to my shoulder
on the costume. So he goes, yeah. I still have
him, though. I still have him. Aww. I think that
was it. My only play story was completely cutting
off a girl's entire part on X -Men. But to be
fair, this was a play for the Greek story Narcissus,
so by God, if there was a character that cut
someone off completely, it was the guy so full
of himself he died at his reflection. I think
I've said my one before, but it's that battle
from a crag set, and I inadvertently painted
them as silver skulls. I don't know what I did
with the Tyranid pieces, though. And I did end
up buying the old school Command Squad. If anyone
remembers the one before the Primaris ones. I
don't know what I... I think my mum gave them
away. I'm so gutted. I'm like, oh, such nostalgia.
I must have been like nine or something. Eight,
maybe. Back in the old days. Me and Andy, born
in the 1990s. That Imperial armor book back there
that I can't point out still. I remember getting
that when I was a little kid because I ordered
it from the internet and we had to go get it
at customs and my parents had to pay like 50
bucks or something at customs just to have it.
I was kind of in trouble, but I've had it since.
It's very dear to my heart as well. Nice. I only
have an image offering that I found on Reddit.
This is what I found. For your convenience, management
can provide an extra receipt for whatever price
you told your spouse this cost. Just like boxes
and boxes. I wouldn't lie to my wife. I wouldn't
lie to my wife. This is disastrous. tactic this
is unfailable this will damage your marriage
yeah that works until the credit card bill you
know comes in and then uh hey what's this don't
lie don't lie to your wife they haven't they
haven't patched this instant divorce this bug
currently uh should we do some further first
if any donos or Let's just mention also Border
Prince is here. Oh, hey, man. Hey. Back in my
day, Praetorians were the hot thing. Oh, yeah.
Nice. Back in the day. First donation. Just need
this. DonkeyManUSA, stream Lady of the Howgooning
to rwarhammer underscore smut. You know it. Appreciate
it, man. We can always write documents $2 at
the beginning of a stream. That's how we get
it. He's never failed to say this. Document USA
again for $5. After a month of drinking Everclear,
vodka goes down like water. Appreciate it, man.
Everclear, make me feel fine. And then we got
one from Gnomius. Do you want to read this one?
Hey, guys, I hope you all have a great day. Enjoy
the time we play Dawn of War. Heck yeah. Hope
we have round two soon. Also, Hal, you definitely
are not helping yourself with the killing of
the homeless. I wasn't the person in the story.
What do you mean? You were the person who, as
soon as they said homeless, started going...
It's quite objectively hilarious that a corpse
falls on a table. thank you thank you for the
donations low crimes exist for you guys i was
corpsing about corpses very good also um yeah
we played a little bit of members only dawn of
war the other day so if you become a member you
can beat us in dawn of war well feels like once
a month probably Or you can team up with the
rest of us to kill two AI orc players and win
after being destroyed again and again and again
and hearing me go, I don't know how to play anything
but Space Marines. They're very, very dense,
aren't they? Yeah. Eli, should we cover the first
one you supplied? This one here, I believe. All
right, I've got to go full screen so I can actually
read this. This was back in late 4th or early
5th edition, but I played a pickup game at the
store. I was a regular with a new Tyranid player
against my guard. He said he was quite new, so
was wondering if he could use models that were
just bases to flesh out some of his gaunt units.
I figured it didn't really matter if there were
10 blank bases in across a few big hordes of
gaunts, so I agreed to help him learn the game.
Shout out to the Invisible Legion. for real for
real uh cut to turn three and he's virulently
arguing i can't draw a line of sight to the gaunt
unit because the bases are being blocked by a
short piece of scattered terrain there's no turn
four mfs like that do exist we had a guy in his
early 20s who would throw his very well painted
models in rage the second anything went wrong
He eventually got banned from the store for pushing
a staff person trying to calm him down. Last
I saw him before he enlisted in the Marines and
disappeared. Classic. I'm sure he'll be a great
soldier. Oh my gosh. I knew people like this
too, but I've noticed in the last like 10 years,
there's been like a freak extinction event. There's
no more freaks at the LGS. I don't know where
they all went. Just get more regular people playing
40k. Yeah, I guess. No, no, they're all addicted
to mobile games now. Might have just moved on
to Magic or something. Like, this one's far easier
to be a freak with. Easier to carry around Magic
cards. Also, the store was kind of a dumping
ground for younger kids whose parents didn't
want to mind them, and one kid drank four 12
-hour energy drinks in a few minutes, and the
store had to call an ambulance. Another time,
Right when Cities of Death came out, a kid impaled
his hand on a piece of new terrain, so the store
clipped off all the pointy bits. None of that
could really be blamed on the store, though,
and more just negligent parents. After this,
I took a pause from the hobby due to university
and the likes, and I'm coming back for 9th edition.
Only play with people I like outside of a tournament
setting, so way less horror stories. I'm out.
Shout out that kid. Shout out Cities of Death.
I want to play Cities of Death. Did you guys
ever go to like kind of those, I was talking
here about you'd kind of dump your kids there
and they do their own thing. I remember when
I was a kid, there was a Friday club and it was
at the Guernsey Salvation Army Center. And it'd
be like N64 playing Pokemon Stadium and like
GoldenEye and all that. And there'd be like a
bit where there was a booth with a very grumpy
lady and you'd give her like money to buy sweets
and then you'd have like sugary sweets. drinks
and sweets and you play pokemon stadium and you'd
accidentally press um the wrong button when you
were trying to press earthquake to beat the other
player then even though you had better speed
you'd lose the engagement because it was like
one hits because it's just the preset characters
not ones you brought your gameboy of course and
then like you would strop the whole night supposedly
because you were going to win the match but because
it's those stupid controllers with the little
yellow buttons you accidentally press the wrong
button and that never happened to me once Sure,
that was a purely hypothetical story, I'm sure.
I hung out with this kid at my LGS a lot when
I was a kid. It was Warhammer nights every Wednesday
and Saturday. Two nights a week, Warhammer nights.
And I went to, I got to go to most of them because,
you know, 13 -year -old kid, I got all the free
time in the world. It was pretty great. It's
pretty great. And that was back in the day when
we lived in a high -trust society where we could
play past the store's closing hours and you would
just lock up the store for them. when you were
done so that was awesome that's crazy isaac that
is crazy now to be fair britain wouldn't get
it the uk but yeah that was cool but one time
one time my dad found out that me and like my
other friend when we were like 14 were the last
ones there until like 10 or 11 p .m when it's
dark outside and it's like in downtown in a rougher
spot and he got really mad at the store owner
and the store owner had to tell everyone like
you can't leave these guys by themselves and
i was very embarrassed uh and yeah yeah damn
he's doing his job though he's doing his job
yeah that makes sense well we all know that um
how grew up doing fencing so he must have been
at the chalet playing his games. I didn't have
anyone to play Warhammer when I was growing up.
You had the butler, surely. I remember I got
the Warhammer McCrag set company heroes and then
I think one with assault marines is all i could
ever get as in like over the years i ever was
into it that's all i was ever gonna be able to
afford and then i just played toy soldier with
myself basically is that what they're calling
it now oh yeah my my parents weren't overly happy
that i was hanging out with like a bunch of 40
year olds i know that yeah that is weird isn't
it there's a lot of good quotes in this episode
i'm just seeing the clips in my head like oh
yeah But it was good. They were all good dudes.
No one ever did anything scary. What is going
on with this one from Shalaxy? Eli hangs out
with kids and hates his wife, allegedly. Wow.
I love my wife. I love my wife and I don't hang
out with kids. They were the dudes hanging out
with kids. It was me and my two other buddies.
That's just weird. I don't know if I would play
a game with someone who's like, if you were an
11 -year -old, I'd be like, it's just a bit weird
in terms of where's their parents? You know what
I mean? Because you feel like if you stomp the
kid in the game, it feels bad, doesn't it? Or
if you go too easy, is that not taking the service?
They need to learn young. Yeah. As someone who
used to play Tekken, at certain games and stuff
and you're like oh this kid wants to play tekken
yeah whenever we didn't play at the store though
we would play with like all this homemade stuff
my one friend logan he would make he tried making
play -doh uh models like you make a cast out
of play -doh and then you like put it in the
freezer and you have like actual play -doh guys
so that was funny and he made a lot of cardboard
train i remember i made like cardboard battlements
to go on one time logan's playing his chaos and
i was playing tao and this was i had the flyer
so this was probably i guess it was still a sixth
edition we were just kids maybe in seventh but
no six i had the razor shark flyer thing And
he had Abaddon and my flyer and Abaddon were
the two last models on the board. And he refused
to end the game until one of us died completely.
We can only hit the flyer on sixes when Abaddon
has his two plus save. And my flyer didn't have
anything to get through a two plus save. So we
spent like an hour shooting at each other with
these two models. He eventually shot down the
flyer with his bolt. It was a strength for my
flyers armor 10. Anyways, that was, those were
good times. Those are the days of mini war gaming
and Logan had his own defy and. oh good days
good days i uh my biggest regret actually my
biggest warhammer regret literally ever is when
logan got out of the hobby when we're like i
don't know 16 maybe uh ish maybe 15 15 16 whatever
i don't know what i inherited is chaos marines
and then i sold them to a guy i sold these chaos
marines to a guy and i regret it to this day
i could have that the filer did not deserve that
oh it makes me sad it makes me very sad do we
have a uh another with the next one there andy
um do you want me to read number uh one of yours
number three the one with the spicy language
you had to maybe we should say that one for the
end because that okay Is that the Primark themed
ones? Yes. Do you want to go with this one, Andy?
We have a Primark segment, guys. This is from
r slash 40k lore, I think. Or r slash Warhammer
lore. And we're letting people know... Sorry,
you first. I was interrupting for nonsense. You
finish. These are just people who they want to
give their true opinion on Primarchs. I think
some people might have some fair points here.
Primarchs in general or specific Primarchs. The
problem with the Primarchs... Sorry. Now see,
I'm going the immediate opposite tone of voice
for you. I believe the person who posted this
deserves... $10 million and a blowjob, and I
will deliver if need be. Okay. The problem with
the Primarchs is that they become the focus of
absolutely everything given their larger -than
-life status, which basically means the entirety
of the 40K setting gets twisted around their
personalities. Previously, 40K was more about
individual stories with a great setting. We didn't
really get plot arcs centered on a singular individual.
I was going to say, other than Abaddon and Eldrad,
and those are basically a rare treat rather than
a core facet of the setting, Primarch's coming
back doesn't necessarily make the setting worse,
but it does make it different in a way. 40k becomes
less of a setting in which stories take place
and more of a centralized story arc with Gilliman
being the heart of it that has an attached setting.
Further, there's an issue of how power creep,
particularly given how Abaddon is supposed to
be the big bad of the setting. Abaddon cannot
match a Primarch in his present form. And only
way for him to do so that is lore consistent
is itself not lore consistent. Abaddon would
have to become a demon prince and it's absolutely
not in his character to become one. Finally,
you're assuming 40K didn't have big lore characters
before. We did. We had tons of them. all deserving
that are their own plot plot arcs but now they've
been sidelined in favor of the primarks interesting
real so based real real so real all the primers
yeah all of their heads off and put them on urinal
spikes i hate primers this guy this guy this
guy's a real one he's an old head he's based
none of this new age bull crap It's a setting,
and it's not supposed to progress, and there's
so much progression in this setting. To be fair,
the two guys with the Commonwealth were like,
no, actually, I think that the hereditary sons
of the ruler should actually be a big part of
the setting. Down with the monarchy! Former Republic
of Warhammer! No, not for the Republic. I think
it makes a very valid point, though, doesn't
it? In terms of the... the vibe it's a different
it makes sense like it isn't bad but it is a
different vibe now i suppose you could say yeah
that's that's what that's what horace heresy
was for that was the whole point of reading horace
heresy in other words making warhammer 40k horace
heresy For the money, though, remember, it's
all about the money. I know it's for the money.
It doesn't mean it's okay. It doesn't mean it's
better. No, I don't think it's okay. I just remember
just keeping in mind, guys. One of the points
I was going to make is like, yeah, but they are
obviously like the big money makers for like,
whether it's models, joy toys, books, a video
game, like, like the element was in Battlefleet
Gothic. The lion's going to be in Dawn of War
now. Like, yeah. I understand what you're saying,
but also, like, he's pretty cool. Look at that
guy. He's really cool. I don't want to read about
what Captain Allerham is doing. I don't want
to read about what frickin' Lehman Russ is gooning
all over the place, all over the Thousand Suns
for the 20th time. I'm so excited for him to
rescue Isha. That could... It makes me... The
part I find, like, it fundamentally changed as
well, is, like, the scale of what... Before...
uh gilliman return the scale of like the galaxy
seems so much larger and then now the prime marks
are turning back it's it just it's that sort
of thing like there's a few more like there's
like a few key players who can shift it all like
it doesn't feel as big do you know what i mean
yeah very much i agree yeah it's taken away like
the colossal scale of everything a bit it's like
what's the doing i want to know It's not the
zoom out and go look at a random place and zoom
out and go look at the other side of the galaxy.
Now it's just one little space that you're looking
at. I have a question. What's your opinion in
post 999 .1041? Because for a long time, that
was the end of the settings. It's all happening
here. Yeah, in this one year. And it was like,
oh, these things happened. And then now we're
like, oh. Oh, it's still good. And now it's like,
oh, we now got a whole new millennium to explore.
And it's like. okay if you open the books if
you open 99 of the books it says it is the 41st
millennium and it's supposed to stay the 41st
millennium that's the whole point maybe it's
a weird uh it's like a a symbol of gw itself
in that they as a company had like stagnated
and then and like like the setting itself it
stagnated and then obviously when the new leadership
came in that's when the new leadership said,
yo, we need to pump these numbers up. We're dying.
So then that's when they revamped the setting.
Well, I understand like, obviously in my brain,
I know why it happened. I do miss, I am a heresy
enjoyer, but I like the fact that the Primarchs
are there. And in my opinion, more of the Primarchs
should have died during the Horus heresy because
it's... it is different from 40 K as in 40 K
is about the, the people, the endless tides of,
you know, the guard and the, the very rare space
Marine fighting the endless enemies, the ever
growing enemies. Whereas heresy is like a space
opera of like this weird daddy issues thing.
And then I liked that it like, you know what
I mean? Like it can end, you know, it should,
I didn't like that's all point. It's like the
myth, you know, Hercules, Hercules, the myth
of Hercules. Hercules is not sticking around
in modern day. Hercules doesn't, you know, Achilles
dies or something like that. You don't even necessarily
need to kill more of them, though, for the longest
time. It's like, what are the traitor Primarchs
doing? They don't care anymore. They're part
of the great game. They have better things to
deal with than real space. I think it'd be cool
if they died. Oh, it'd be fine if they died too,
so that way they can just be like, no, you can't
do it. But still, it's like, even their side,
they don't need to die. They had a perfectly
good excuse. They don't care about reality anymore.
They have better things to do. The demon Primarchs
also have the advantage of they can be killed,
and they're just in timeout for a few years,
and then they come back like a bad rash. It's
like, Mortarion, you again. Angron, you again.
Ugh. But I don't know. I feel like, let's be
honest. They are going to bring back all the
Primarchs that are still alive. But the setting
can't finish. And they've kind of done this thing
with, like, Lion is in one half of the Imperium,
Gilliman's in the other. I think the best course
of action would be, like, right, bring back Jagatai,
but he's stuck in the webway. Bring back Leman,
but he's doing some, like, weird Space Wolf stuff.
Volkan's been there the entire time. He turns
up briefly and is like, I'm not getting involved.
Yeah, like Korax can invade the Eye of Terror
with the Raven Guard and continue doing his ca
-ca -ca -ca, Lorgar, come and face me. Nah, I'm
alright, thanks, I'm having chili and dip. Like,
okay, whatever. As long as you, I think, separate
them and not bring them all back to the fold
until they want to end the setting and restart
it, I think that would be okay. Because let's
be honest, they're going to bring them back.
We just need them to be like... And there is
the idea of maybe also having an inter -imperium
war where they start to disagree, which causes
more conflict, and then the loyalists turn on
each other, and then there's also chaos involved.
You could add more grimdark by having the good
guys also fighting amongst themselves, just like
chaos do, and then nothing ever getting resolved.
The rule with Warhammer is the rule of cool always
wins over common sense like that's the i remember
that like it is a manufacturing model range they
do not like it's like consistent story my dude
what are you talking about let me get this plastic
into people's homes yeah i gotta be realistic
with myself sometimes yeah i think we have we
have more primark hate by the way coming uh do
you want to do another one andy because there's
a yeah should i do number five from you because
you got a few more so let's do number five um
Who wants to read this one? I'll read it. Okay.
Oh, boy. Speaking of Primarchs. Horus' fall to
chaos is kind of weak. He gets stabbed with the
Chaos Blade, gets the visions from Erebus. Magnus
intervenes and tells Horus not to trust said
visions, but decides to anyways. In my opinion,
I don't think he should have fallen that quickly
and not from one instance of these visions. At
least not all at once. I think he should have
been stabbed, yes, but much earlier and had the
chaos influence be slower acting and not obvious
at first with some recurring visions popping
into his head. Maybe said visions could show
future events, which over time come true. Maybe
chaos agents help these events along, making
chaos seem more legitimate in his eyes. Yeah.
I also think the strain of being war master,
the growing reality of dealing with imperial
bureaucracy and fears of what will happen to
the Primarchs and Astartes after the crusade
ends should play a bigger part in his and other
traitor legions. than chaos, at least at first.
Combine this with the slow -acting chaos corruption,
and I think it would be more believable. Another
thing that might help is to flesh out the Lost
Legion. You had me for a minute, and then you
lost me hard at the end for being wiped out.
It may make something more sinister, like simply
voicing objections to orders, or maybe the destruction
could be interpreted as the beginnings of the
legions being called like the Thunder Warriors.
Okay, you saved it. A little. Make it a conspiracy
that once revealed helps push many of the traitors
into open revolt. I'm mostly with you. I don't
want anyone to touch those legions, I'm going
to be honest. There's already too much about
them. There is inferred to be some of their gene
seed in the soul drinkers as well. Because it's
like, they're like, we're Imperial Fist successors
and then Imperial Fists are like, no you're not.
If you're in the first five or four or five Horus
Heresy books, your fall of chaos is going to
be bad. That's just how it is. Because there
weren't supposed to be this many books. Yeah.
But Hal, am I right in thinking that? I remember
there was that thing about when Leman shanked
Horus with his spear. There's a bit where he's
fighting in the tides of the Immaterium. There's
a fragment of his soul that's not fallen to chaos.
And it's being, like, battened down. So, like,
is it just, like, a bit of Horus? I can't believe
it's not Horus. It's, like, there's a bit left.
Oh, the one that Maligirst ends up sacrificing
his life to destroy. Yeah. I mean, yeah, like,
there's a... I mean, the part they don't... I
think that's... The guy is right, but it's also
in the book, so it's kind of poorly explained
that Horus doesn't turn to chaos. He just betrays
the Imperium in... uh false gods and he's gonna
like when he speaks to Erebus and in Galaxy in
Flames and they're cooking um the mistress Yngwie
Sing isn't it mistress Yngwie Sing like his uh
asherpath and he's like cooking her over he kills
her like cooking her corks in a fire or something
and Erebus is like this is how chaos works you
can use it as a tool and Horus says yeah I will
if I want to but I'm going to kill all my traitors
on Isfahan 3 my way because I don't need chaos.
I just understand the Emperor's a liar. So it
doesn't explain it that well, which, again, it
makes more sense. Horus just betrays the Emperor
and turns it chaos, whereas a lot of people's
interpretation is that he fell to chaos then.
He didn't fall to chaos. He just thinks the Emperor
is a liar. Yeah, again, like I said, it's just
they weren't planning to have that many books,
so some things seem rushed. It's a 60 -book series.
It's kind of, as a joint piece, its cohesion
is surprisingly okay. If you've worked in any
company ever and you ever try to do a group project
on anything ever, you will understand the miracle
that it has, that it is, because try to do anything
like that. Because, I mean, is there any other
book series that's even close to having such
a collaboration of different authors contributing
to one setting? Because I know people might say,
like, oh, Star Wars. But Star Wars is, like,
fragmented in, like, some of its legends, some
of its, like, the Thrawn stuff, some of its the...
Yeah, and that's awful now, so... And it's gone.
And it's not connected. And then, like, maybe
Star Trek. Like, I know James Swallow did some
Star Trek stuff, but I don't think it's interconnected.
I can't think of anything else as vast. I'm going
to hate to... Paul, that's my other friend. Colin
and Eli are going to hate me saying this, but
there's the Primark novel series, isn't there?
There's still not a Horus Primark novel. An exclusive
one. I'm sure what will fix the issue is if you
get a little bit more time with Horus in one
book, and then we'll be like, okay, you fixed
it. Like the newest fun book. They fixed it.
You know what I mean? You can fix it. Give us
more heresy, please. Give me the slow. I want
more, please. Nom, nom, nom. I like Warhammer.
It's no secret. Waiter, waiter, more feces. Stick
it in the trough. Stick it in the trough. The
last two heresy, the scouring and the last heresy
book are like some of the best books in Warhammer.
Yeah, they are great. Should we raise more donations?
Yes, we should. Let me just put this one here.
To start us off, we got Shalaxy, the wettest
of the grippers, for two. I sent Colin a shitty
homebrew. I humbly beg you. I guess he better
go check. I will go check. Okie dokie. A Nova
box. Thank you very much for the $10. For Andy.
Andy. even if you had my private investigators
disappear i know that you are my bio dad know
this father i will find you and we will have
the father son bonding experience i so desperately
crave the noble box thank you for ten dollars
you are andy's uh it is it is plausible he could
have a teenage child but i'd very much doubt
it yeah yeah i don't think no i don't know like
There'd have to be some kind of shenanigans going
on with that. Not least of which, because I don't
have the snip. But yes. Donkey Man USA again.
For five bucks, I'm about to spend a few hundred
bucks on kits to make the funny rat god on the
throne. Wish me luck. Salute to this man. If
you want to go check out Discord, guys. DonkeyMan
has posted pictures of his lovely stuff. We forgot
to choose a mini of the week, by the way. You
still can. Have a look then. We've got a new
member with Arthur Crispins. Thank you very much.
Thank you very much. Welcome to Law Criminals.
Thank you. Crazy PFP. That's a shiny man. Matt
Eckert, thank you for the 10. I started in 2000
with a 3rd edition starter kit that had 5 tactical
marines which I painted as dark angels. Hell
yeah. Very cool. We got a very nice one. A big
one. Blocker XK. 3 ,000 ARS. 3 ,000 ARS. I've
been watching the podcast for months and I've
never seen Colin pass the insulin to the next
guy. Bro acting like it would kill him to share
that. You know, the three gentlemen I'm with,
they make their own. They're fine. They're good.
My roommate's diabetic. I could go get free insulin
in the fridge right now and get jacked. Hey,
what's your exact address and what times is he
not home? My brother is also the type 1 diabetic
as well. How often is your brother not in his
house? The problem is, Colin, I think he is slightly
shorter than you, but he is as big as Eli in
terms of skull. That's why I said, when is he
not in Hal? This is not going to be a mugging.
This is a burglary. He's actually really fast
as well, so I don't know how quick he can run.
So what you're saying, Hal, is that he's a bit
shorter, he's fast, and he has girth. Good to
know. Next one from ArchangelQB8KM. For me, some
dude dropped pizza on the battlefield. Nice.
It's the best kind of battlefield when there's
free food. Orc with a bow. Thank you for the
$2. All praise the great unclean one of the Taco
Bell. Nice. I've never been to a Taco Bell, and
there's one right down the road from me. I pass
it occasionally, and I go, well... It's expensive.
It's not amazing, but it's okay, I guess. If
you can think of a reason to go to a Taco Bell,
go to McDonald's. Come on. Well, the thing is,
I've watched that video recently of that guy
who was like, I'm going to play Elden Ring, try
and speedrun it. I'm going to take a bottle of
laxatives and also eat four tacos from Taco Bell.
And every time I die, I have to eat another one.
I'm like, oh, that was a fun watch. The last
one for now. Thank you very much for the $5.
Mother, mother, I'll spit up on his bib again,
mother. Shall he get the paddle, mummy? Please,
oh please, smash his toys, mummy. Okay. What
the hell did this man just say? Thank you, Paralyzed
Tortoise. You are a regular here. So his bib?
Yeah, your bib. You're spitting on your bib.
Thank you for the $5. For the future generations
of mine who see this, I am so sorry. I guess
we should get back to images. I'm going to share
the one that Colin supplied, which is this one.
It's another green background. It's called a
green text to Andy. I believe. Thanks, son. This
one starts off already with an omen. Autistic
guy plays Nurgle Marines. Not as a buzzword,
he's genuinely autistic. Actually pretty good
painter. Manager asks why he never uses GW paints
and only brings in his own. Guy gets a bit upset,
thinks manager's trying to push GW paints onto
him. You know what, real. Paint what you want.
Manager apologizes, was just trying to make conversations.
He keeps going though. You guys can never make
paints as well as I make them. Make your own
paints. puts on a creepy voice yes papa nurkel
blesses my face a couple of us laugh nervously
manager looks at him deadly serious andrew what
do you mean by that andrew grins and refuses
to answer question or make eye contact just giggles
manager is worried so now we are too andrew just
tell us what do you mean only the best ingredients
in nurkel's paints a bit of my food for you andrew
did you mix into your paints and refuses to make
eye contact manager calls andrew's parents parents
come in and begin talking to andrew apparently
yes he has been mixing in his own with his paints
children have touched his models those models
have touched game boards those game boards have
food and drink on them the scale of this sets
in manager calls his regional manager and shuts
the store Does it open for three days. Come in
three days later. Andrew is banned from the store.
All the gaming tables have been replaced. Andrew
never changed. You're the goat, Andrew. Andrew,
change immediately. That is disgusting. That's
the dark mirror of the guy who the nails were
biting. A bit of my poo for you. Giggles and
shits in paint. Oh my gosh. I should have tried
to find green text. I can't believe I didn't
think of that. Oh my gosh. If any of you have
read the poop, do a little green text. Shout
out to you. That's peak. How dare you make me
think of that? There are some times where I'm
like, I like being an old head because I don't
know what you're talking about. And I feel safe.
Got another one, a submission from Hal this time.
Oh, yeah. I have a quick, we bring it quicker
for these next two if we have a few Primark.
And in the Primarch segment, which is, I found
the story of Conrad far more compelling when
he could see the future but could not change
his fate. He is a mentally ill Primarch, which
is in of itself compelling. He is driven to do
this by both his upbringing, but he has always
known that all would come to ruin and death.
The reader knows that his visions are where the
story will go. All other characters in the story
think Conrad is mad, but all the readers know
Conrad is right. To have him struggle to change
throughout Nostromo and the Great Crusade, to
overcome his fate and fail is compelling. That
he cannot escape the whirlpool of madness, but
ultimately allows himself to be consumed. He
is failed by everyone, by his father, brothers,
then sons. His story is juxtaposed by Sanguinius,
the only other Primarch with full precognition.
The contrast between them, angel and demon, light
and dark, is also compelling. that they have
the same gift to see fate, but different stories
that end in death is also potentially great storytelling.
The idea that any time he could have simply made
better decisions to turn his fate from a tragedy
to something pathetic, he is mentally ill, just
mentally weak. The Black Library cannot help
themselves but make the traitor Primarchs less
interesting to make loyalist Primarchs more heroic.
They had to give Sanguinius another victory and
in doing so, Comrade Elos. The traitor Primarchs
need to be the hero of their own story rather
than the foil for the loyalists. Pretty true.
Pretty real. I think he... Isn't that his madness?
His madness is that he lets himself die in the
end because he needs to be the hero of his own
story. Otherwise, it's all for nothing. right
like he lets the assassin kill him because then
he basically proves that he had no choice because
then i think the idea is that he does have a
choice and this guy doesn't like that i think
i think really if we want to be like meta about
this i think the thing about conrad's death is
that he just really wanted to mess with people
who are into power scaling and settings was like
oh space marine can't kill the prime was like
hey guess what I got killed by an assassin. You
know what else? It was a girl. And then everyone's
like, oh no! He's a Primo! That doesn't make
sense! And he just did that to mess with people.
And I think that's why it's the best. Do you
guys think that the Traitor Primarchs are just,
they are kind of made more pathetic to make the
good guys, you know, the loyalist ones seem better?
Do you feel that a little bit? I hate that. To
be honest, they're pretty lame. Not with that.
Where's the banner? I think Perturabo escapes
that luckily, but Fulgrim, I'm doing Statenite
at the moment. Fulgrim in Statenite is just an
idiot. Poor Fulgrim. Maybe, yeah. I suppose the
only thing is, though, that some of the loyalist
Primarchs also look immature and stupid often.
So, I mean, all of the Primarchs have moments
of, like, a lack of good judgment. Just think
of the lion backhanding poor Nemiel and stuff
like that. They also have moments where they
don't look in the best light. But I guess if
you don't make the Primarchs cartoonishly evil...
that's difficult to write and you gotta sell
minis i don't know oh you have to write good
books oh we can't do that around here we can't
do that around here i guess the weird part is
like if it was to be like from the view of like
consistent suppose like fate is not able to be
changed that's a weird thing to have in warhammer
because that's not how the universe operates
that's objectively untrue with several different
factions yeah really changing fate yeah like
the eldar supposedly like they choose fates so
it doesn't and also the idea of like yeah that's
like the whole concept of like someone is born
evil then like and then i don't know if that's
a thing they want to state like conrad was born
to be like you know skin wearing therapist was
born pretty evil he's he never was a good boy
i don't know all the primers are lame to be honest
they they kind of all just lame which it kind
of like it sucks but they were all wrong entirely
like horace was like kind of right for a second
but but the further you go into the horse heresy
it's the more like prevalent it gets that these
guys are just completely wrong and like the whole
story is just kind of stupid and the whole crux
of the horse heresy is that the emperor didn't
want to tell them like one thing i was kind of
silly when you boil it down to its basic ingredients
I don't think they do a good job of like the
self -fulfilling prophecy of like, if you tell
them they'll, they'll fall to chaos. But if you
don't tell them, they'll probably fall to chaos
anyway. I think that they need to do a better
job of like, Oh, here's justification for why
he doesn't tell them. And they try it occasionally,
but they try to. Hey guys, I'm making this web
way project and I'm going to save humanity. I'll
see you in 20 years. Okay. Dad, I have slightly
credits, but then you have like the whole, like,
Hey Magnus, please. stop going into the warp
okay dad what did i just say it's like yeah even
if you tell him magnus is a complete fool they
make magnus into a complete and utter goofball
that's for sure were you saying colin at least
with magnus specifically i've got a little bit
come around and i'm not telling him not telling
magnus if only because hey dad what are you doing
oh i'm working on the thing i'm gonna plug you
into like a battery that one I kind of get that
one a little bit more specific now. In the, I
think, Siege of Terror, they mentioned he could
leave the throne if he was going to use it. It
sounds like it's nice. It's like, what if you're
hooked up to the best gaming chair in the world?
You can just roam around and look at stuff. It's
cool. Jellyfish in the warp. They should have
stuck with their guns. They just have the Emperor
say, I just didn't trust them. They're too young.
Just have it like that because then it makes
sense. It's the... Malkador, I think, says at
one point, we didn't tell them because knowing
about it for humans, it makes people... They
said they didn't tell Dawn about it early in
his life because if he knew about it, he would
try to understand it to defeat it and then that
would end up corrupting him when he wasn't ready.
So it's like... I think just stick with the whole
the Emperor doesn't trust anybody but Malkador.
and then that's how that's the whole point like
it failed because he didn't trust telling you
master mankind it's too much emperor lore it's
too much emperor lore we didn't need all this
emperor lore i do mysterious i hate this is the
only thing i have a gr the book has amazing scenes
in that book but my gripe with it is how they
explain that the emperor's obviously really powerful
and he can see the future they explain that his
future site is so good that it's actually worse
because he can see like basically he can see
almost every decision ever rather than like one
vision of the future he can see all the outs
like splaying futures and therefore he's almost
like powerless to change every single like minute
human decision that makes a future and it's just
like that's too much because then that's basically
a debuff yeah so he basically doesn't have future
sight i i yeah i don't know so doesn't he also
in some book he's like you can't be all seeing
and all powerful at the same time you gotta pick
one well you have to choose one road and stick
to it because it's going to change no matter
what you try yeah maybe it's too big brain for
me or it's just in some way just kind of is like
huh you know makes everyone yeah if the horse
heresy was 10 bucks and most of it was left to
mystery i think it'd be great well isn't there
that scene where he's talking to um rar and dimmy
and he's all like hey go over there and climb
that thing and he's like oh and then his foot
slips and it crumbles and he's like why did you
why did you slip he's like it looked like it
was secure it's like yeah well it looks like
it's secure but when you step on it you fall
anyway and it's like you can see stuff but that
doesn't necessarily mean that it's like the right
decision or it's like again it's like okay kind
of kind of see what i mean but also it's like
Warhammer should just be rebranded as Daddy Issues
40 ,000. And then that would be a very 30 ,000.
It's like, oh, it's all about Dad. I'm a space
Marine. Dad wrote this book, isn't it? Oh, Daddy.
We had one more Primark one to wrap up the Primark
section, which is it's shorter, but it's a bit
more of an interesting take rather than other
things. uh is uh from the same thread as the
previous primark ones which is uh my one nitpick
about the primark law applies to all of them
i would make uh make it so that they weren't
all supersized genetically enhanced humans right
from the start it makes no sense that they managed
to mix with whatever society they landed on and
they're all five meters tall like super freaks
or five meters taller i assume super freaks i
would make it so they were not unlike extremely
exceptional humans but normal humans nonetheless
kind of like what the numenoreans were to the
people of middle earth And only after meeting
the emperor, they would have unlocked their whole
genetic potential. I think that attributes to
Horus, doesn't it? It's really weird. This serves
two purposes. One, making them pass as normal
people, pass normal people more believable and
make their eventual conquest of their respective
worlds much more admirable. Brackets, I mean,
of course, they're super strong, super smart,
giant conquerors, conquering, conquered their
puny worlds. come on, end brackets, and two,
would make their bond with the Emperor that more
meaningful. There would be no denying that Big
E is their father after almost a rebirth thanks
to him. That would be cool. I like that. I do
like it, but I think I mean, that like them being
not integrating is a plot point for at least
a few of them. Like Fulgrim's thing was, you
know, he married a bunch and it made him grow
detached right because like i outlived every
single one he did he did not they were political
marriages he did not absolutely mulch these women
into paste i know that but it is also it's like
i remember reading it's like you know he lost
he also he shaped his entire planet's culture
at the same time like some of them like i do
agree like some of them definitely fit in a bit
too well but others it's like they didn't fit
in well having the size of anastasis so like
they're almost like you can't be dudes yeah not
like yeah sort of thing like that they can just
pass it's like normal guys almost yeah and as
much as magnus would be like i can make myself
appear big we're all small it's like you are
bright red you're not you're not yeah they're
gonna spot you a mile off he's a peacock he doesn't
want to blend in does he no but also it's like
that They were talking about the connection with
the Emperor. I know in the Jagatai book, it says
about how when they also are around each other,
their best characteristics amplify when they're
in the presence of each other. So it's all like,
oh, Primark's impressive on its own. But when
there's more of them, they're even more impressive.
And so I assume there is a similar effect with
the Emperor. So when they're with the Emperor,
they're even more supercharged. That's not stated
specifically. I don't know. A storyline where
two of them landed on the same planet would have
been cool. And they fight each other. I like
that. I like that. And then the Emperor shows
up and splits them apart and is like, you guys
are actually brothers. You know what? That's
what happened to the lost Primarchs. Maybe they
killed each other. Yeah. That would be cool.
That would be interesting. Your second story,
Eli. And then we've got one more from Hal. That's
a lot of text. All right. There is one guy that
sticks out on all my years of playing. I do wonder
what he would be up to right now as he would
currently be in his mid thirties now. So this
would have been circa third and 40K. There was
this guy called Steve. I went to school with
Steve. He was two years below me and was in like
a fair few of the support classes. So you get
the picture. Dude looked a bit like Bobby Hill.
I don't want to label anyone. Speed might have
been on Spectrum. Teenagers egging him on didn't
help. Steve had a habit of blowing his top in
the local GW and subsequently getting banned.
However, our local GW was also like a training
facility for the region. So at a fairly high
staff turnover. So what Steve would do was pass
the store, see if there was a staffer he'd never
seen before. And the GW, or in the GW, oh, I'm
sorry, and the GW guy would do his normal spiel
and Steve would be invited to games night until
the inevitable happened yet again. Steve played
Eldar and was a sore loser. Three such incidents
stick out in my mind of him blowing his top in
this spectacular fashion. The first was when
a friend of mine had to play him. A friend is
playing Imperial Fist and shoots a melt gun at
his avatar. This is third edition, so the avatar
could get wounded by Meltas, I guess. It is only
just in range of 12 inches, so the following
turn, Steve has to walk through difficult terrain
with the avatar. Difficult terrain, you roll
2d6 to the highest. Steve managed to roll a total
of 11 inches on both of his move through terrain
and charge move, but was somehow magically in
assault range. Opponent queries this, to which
Steve bellows, I moved exactly 6 inches and exactly
5 inches. He just let him have it in the end.
Another such time was when I'd play him. Losing
my spot. Holy cow. He claimed his War Walkers
were behind some terrain. Could see some of my
guys as he tilted them up to the waist. Crap
GW own brand super glue strikes again. I dispute
it and we go back and forth. GW staffer gets
involved and says to him to go behind the building
across the road and look up. If he can see us
in the store when doing that, he can shoot at
what he wants to shoot at. This UW store I'll
know was full of wannabe cool Gen Xers in both
staff and customer base. A fact I only realized
myself later on how much dicks some of them were
to people. I only read like half of this, by
the way. I didn't want to read the whole thing.
Steve relents only into the case. Then he goes
one step further. He grabs a set of clippers
and starts cutting apart the War Walkers as he
is chucking the bits into the case that got him
banned. uh for a while the last one was another
game i was spectating this one and his falcon
got shot now his falcon had a hollow field the
bane of every player's existence with a third
and eldar you could declare exterminatus on our
planet and that falcon would still be hovering
there if it had a hollow field for those that
don't know vehicles had a vehicle damage table
in the back of the day a penetrating hit it was
destroyed on four plus with other results like
destroyed et cetera uh good addition better times
skimmers that moved a certain distance could
only be glanced and glancing hit only resulted
in a destroyed result on a six skimmers were
also destroyed on an immobilized result they're
moving fast so if you equipped a falcon with
a hollow field you would roll 2d6 and pick the
lowest when consulting the damage table making
them six times as hard to kill as any other skimmer
so his opponent rolls to damage and gets like
a one and let's say a five The lower number is
what is important here. That gave it crew shaken,
which disallowed it from shooting in the following
turn. So we get to Steve's turn. His opponent
reminds him of this fact when he tries to shoot
at it in the shooting phase, to which Steve says,
no, it has may not move. Now they go back and
forth over this. There's no such thing as may
not move next turn results on said damage table.
There was may not move or shoot, but may not
shoot was the lowest one. It still carries on
with Steve starting to shout, no, it says may
not move. His opponent is kind of winding him
up here. Remember 20 odd years ago. And he gives
one final, no, it says may not move. Punctuated
by slamming his fist down on the table, sending
models flying, the GW staffer who had been eating
his lunch and watching this at a distance from
the staff room, leaning his head around. from
the door and said, Steve, you're a pan. I can
think of many others over the years, like Dogshit
Dave and Weirdy Beardy, but Steve was the guy
who stuck in my mind all that time. Dogshit Dave.
Dogshit Dave kind of goes hard. Where's DSD,
bro? Not enough freaks in 40k nowadays, I'm telling
you. Not enough freaks. What do you think makes
the worst opponent as a 40k table? or does anyone
can you say people get mad like people get genuinely
angry i guess i don't know i have my own story
regarding that but we had one more text thing
to read read didn't we you can go you're wrong
my one's a bit of a finisher i don't have any
text for this it's just in my brain and i've
said it before but to all the people who want
to know eli lore uh elo i got i got two stories
actually one one is like a stupid One when I
was just a dumb little kid. Me and Logan were
playing. And he said, I end my turn. And then
I started doing my stuff. And then Logan's like,
oh, I forgot to do this. I want to do it. And
I said, no, you ended your turn. You can't do
that. And we argued for like 30 minutes about
it. I was just being a stupid kid. But in 8th
edition, there was a psychic power called warp
time that lets you move again in the psychic
phase. So Magnus could move twice. And Magnus
flew. So Magnus can move like 40 inches. And
I was at a doubles tournament. Me and my friend
James had brought Magnus and Mortarion, Death
Guard and Thousand Suns. And it was gimmicky
missions, like fun stuff. The first mission was
VIP. So the whole mission was just kill the enemy
VIP. The other two guys were playing Eldar and
Dark Eldar, I think, at least Eldar. And their
VIP was a Farseer, and they put it in the back
corner on a set of runes. and when we were setting
up i said are you sure you want to put it there
and they said yes we started the game james start
starts moving his stuff and i'm like and i just
like said like don't even bother like we don't
like don't even bother doing any of that i move
magnus i cast warp time i move him again so he
moves across the board i cast smite which turns
into a like a bigger version of smite because
it's magnus and i kill the parcier that was vip
in five minutes and the guy One of the guys on
the other side, because his devil doesn't remember,
says, you are a cunt and they never play Warhammer
ever again. Damn. Yeah. And that night we went
to Star Wars with his teammate. Nice. Shout out
that guy. I made someone quit Warhammer, I guess.
Well, I used to play Xbox 360 with the crappy
microphone. I used to get the messages after
a game just like, expletive, expletive, expletive,
slur, slur, slur, slur, slur, slur, slur, dick.
Oh, okay. Thanks. Glad you're enjoying the game.
I needed you to know. This guy, mind you, was
actually a really nice guy in general. But when
he started playing the game, he was like a huge
jerk and he got so angry all the time. Yeah.
Damn. i'm assuming there wasn't like prizes to
be won at these tournaments or games there is
not a big prize like maybe like like a like a
not enough to be flipping like a 200 warhammer
box at most like yeah no it's nice but not enough
to be for eight shit it wasn't the deed for a
house or anything like that yeah oh a couple
of quid i've only really i've only had like one
game of like maybe a few years ago that i thought
was like bad because the person i was playing
did get like because they were like ruining me
and then in the beginning and then i just had
like an amazing go turn and because they were
no longer winning they were incredibly upset
and they were sulking for the rest of the game
and i remember like i think it's like uh i just
remember like we it was a point where like it
wasn't fun and friendly more and there was no
like chatter and it was just like we just i was
just rolling the dice because i was trying to
avoid this guy blowing his top and i was like
you i literally was like later on i was like
you you ruined my game dude you'd like you were
such a yeah it really sucks playing against soldiers
and they say i was fine i was like okay it's
all right my other friend uh we played a Actually,
I got two more making people quit stories, not
for myself, but my friend Brayden, who I guess,
doxing Brayden once again. I got to call this,
I had to check. At a Lord of the Rings tournament
that we went to, he played against a guy, this
guy had two ballistas, it doesn't matter, I don't
know if you guys know what that is. He had two
ballistas for Gondor that are generally okay,
but he messed up and Brayden destroyed him. And
the guy didn't talk the entire game and then
left the tournament after that game. And then
the last event that we played at, my friend,
I won't say his name. I'll stop doxing my friend.
He brought a Tom Bombadil list. You can make
it nighttime. And when it's nighttime, you can
only shoot 12 inches away. And he's playing this
other guy who brought us Gilead. So we had Minas
Tirith Warriors and then Rangers behind him.
My friend moves his like four elf Rangers up
and is shooting the guy's front line. and because
and he's just out of 12 inches or he's just within
12 inches so the rangers in the back can't shoot
at him the guy doesn't move his forces so a turn
goes by and ilia oh i said the name sorry spoilers
sorry bro it doesn't it doesn't matter it doesn't
matter uh he shoots this guy's army again kill
some guys and then the guy doesn't move and then
after the third turn the guy's like if it's just
gonna go on like this we just don't have to play
and then quit and left the event and didn't even
like stick around for the end yeah people get
so salty all i had to do was move forwards it's
like that's all like all you had to do yeah god
i have a guy's name was hal no i didn't know
i'm not i would like to play middle earth at
some point though i saw the uh i debated buying
some of the rune models and then like if i want
to look at prox of them it's something in 40k
but then play i have no one to play middle earth
with so you know sad i just want to find a box
of the nazgul man yeah is that your um like holy
grail find is that or is there like a yeah that's
that'd be it nice uh i think we do have a final
offering we do i've had to blur this is one with
the blurs and i've had to blur out a few of the
words on this one because yes uh spicy yes uh
you will understand why but we will not be saying
the spicy ones on youtube this is from the same
thread earlier which was the venting about hobby
nightmares uh by deleted i was into playing weekly
casual games at my local hobby store with the
usual crowd of guys who would show up every week
this was back in eighth Swirl people with a good
mix of playful competitiveness and fun creativity.
I was looking for a matchup at a free table when
a new face found me. It was a kid and his dad
who both played. This is already where the warning
bells go for me. The kid wanted to run his space
walls against my Necrons. We found our table
and played our game. All throughout, this kid
was bothersome to play with. He was beating the
tar out of me, but still complaining and checking
rules every time I managed to kill a few models.
At the same time, his dad spent most of the game
bragging about his guard army that he didn't
bring. These were my first hints. Towards the
end of the game, we had a small crowd as we were
the last game going on for the night. Dad invited
everyone to play at his house next week. A few
of us took him up on it because we wanted to
see his brag -worthy guard army. Skip ahead and
me and two other guys from the store are pulling
up to his place. He lets us in and brought us
down to the basement where he has set up a table.
And admittedly, a very impressive guard army
was fully painted. And a giant funny German World
War II flag right in the middle of the room.
Oh no, bro. He's taking role play to a whole
new level, folks. Here we go. How has he not
walked out? Okay. Sometimes you just got to see
where the freak show's going, man. That bit was
enough to make me pretty uncomfortable right
away. But we all just awkwardly ignored it whilst
we played. It was a similar situation. 1 ,500
points of wolves versus 1 ,500 points of necrons,
guard, and dark elder. All throughout the game,
he had a certain World War II documentary about
a targeted group running, and he repeatedly referred
to my buddy Talon Army as Sand N -Words. That's
crazy. Needless to say, we finished that game
as fast as we could and left. Only saw those
guys once or twice after that. Bro played with
the local skinhead. That's so crazy. American
history 40k turning up for the game. Because
I've seen posts of people like, oh, I really
like the Black Templars. I'm thinking of getting
a flag and putting it in my game room. And people
are like, whoa. This guy's like, nah, I'm going
one step further. He isn't even playing Krieg.
He's not even playing Krieg or Black Templars.
It's crazy. Why didn't he leave? If there's a
big flag, do you know, immediately he's going...
I played some games with Confederate flag bros
back in the day. I'm in Alberta. That sounds
pretty normal, I guess. That's probably a little
bit of a step down from this guy, to be fair.
In Alberta? You were muted, Colin, I think. I
did. Whoops. Why is someone with that flag living
in Alberta? On country. We're basically Texas,
bro. Grandpoppy migrated here after the incident
and I still have a few of his things. Maybe it's
that kind of story. Oh, my word. My family has
a German last name and we live in Argentina.
It's crazy. There was a thing with the Guernsey
flag is like the England flag of white background,
red cross with just another gold cross in the
middle. I'm sure a while back there was like
some edgy person who got arrested he had like
a flag because he's like oh got a templar flag
it's like it's not a templar flag mate it's it's
a small island near france calm down funny reddit
story um it's the documentary in the back i'll
say that's nasty like like the fact like can
you imagine if you were brave enough like hey
could you turn that off like would you be brave
enough to say anything what is the outcome of
that yeah Well, we do have some donations and
some minis of the weeks to show off. So I've
got mine and Hal's, guys. So if Colin and Eli,
you want to have a quick mooch on the Discord
for your mini of the week pick, I can go through
some donations with Hal. So to start us off,
it's DonkeyMan again. Here he comes again. For
five. Conrad is my favorite Primark, but only
because he's awful. Conrad. Simpson Glazers unironically
dress as Heath Ledger Joker. Wow. What's a bigger
red flag? People who for Halloween dress as Heath
Ledger Joker or dress as Joaquin Phoenix Joker?
Or worse, the Jared Leto Joker. I can't include
that. That's too much of an easy pick, surely.
It's the Conrad Kurz girlies. of the biggest
the biggest warning with the big goth more please
shame that the uh knight lord's armor is so sick
looking for such sick bastards yeah uh name is
chomsky another one for that is uh two euros
imagine smiling over conrad i could never damn
right you healthy man again nomeus Oh, imagine
simping over Conrad. Bozo got shanked. I can't
find the right place I'm supposed to send this,
so I'm sending it to the gym. Paralyzed Tortoise.
Oh, he says, why are the stream VODs unlisted,
my lords? That is true. It's available on our
Discord because we are trying to appeal to both
crowds. We saw some comments on other things
where people said, I miss when All Crimes was
edited. and obviously we don't want to uh get
take away from the live stream stuff so in our
discord we have a link to uh the youtube playlist
where you can get the live streams as they are
like unedited and then the edited video goes
on the youtube channel but it's still there for
you you know just something's gone it's just
yeah we're giving you both we're giving you both
uh caleb collins thank you crew is cuz was right
about his legions worthy of death sad but true
tom warren thank you for the five dollar clearly
big he needed to learn from a better god emperor
and a bunch of space drugs until he knew the
right path for humanity i'm just saving these
things to show off and this one Zestra 3728 for
10 bucks. Beatbox now has a three liter version.
When can we expect a white girl wasted column
stream? What is this? That was pretty peak. The
world's tastiest party, 11 .1 % alcohol by value.
Hmm. Hmm. No crunk juice, but it's not bad. Collins.
Played the white girl music playlist, please.
Let's try night on three hour repeat, please.
Lobster dog. Gray boss. Member for six months.
What Primark would fart under which it'd be more
Tarion. He wouldn't even know he'd done it. It'd
just fall out. It would be his roommate's door,
specifically. He's the stinky man. I don't like
that it would just fall out of him. No, I'm not
a fan. I mean, if his subjects, they're like,
oh, my intestines flopped on the floor. Whoops.
Like, a fart's not a big deal. It'd be like,
you know, the Steve -O, the old jackass one where
they had, like, the cone and then the tube. Then
the guy like farts into it. The one where he's
in the port -a -loo and it's being like hurled
in the air is just like the initiation ritual
for any death guard labor surf. It's like...
The guy farts in the tube and then it ends up
just shitting in it. I've not seen this. Jackass
is what? A bit of my poo for you. Last one here.
Shout out Spooky Kabuki. uh thank you i had a
friend who won a gt and went to worlds lose to
me at an invitational i thought he was going
to cry and he rage quit the invitational hole
holy cow bro wow oh my gosh so uh we have a few
here and i'm gonna start off with um i believe
this is colin's offering from Summoner of Counts.
That's me. Oh, it's your one. Sorry. This is
Eli's. Okay. A cool warrior priest. It looks
very cool. That is nice. I didn't realize they
actually did chainmail that well on some of the
other models. I like that. Yeah. He looks epic.
That's all I have to say. It's an awesome model.
Now the face... The face is peak. Don't say nothing
about the face. That face is awesome. That's
me realising all the takeaways are shot on Sunday
in the UK. That is object horror. This is average
Brexit geezer when Greggs has no more steak bakes.
I can vouch for the Greggs. I too would be pretty
angry in that circumstance. Although, Bricky
is correct. The coffee is bad. Do not buy the
coffee at the Greggs. Buy the pastries. Look,
the coffee was acceptable. Acceptable. No, not
good. Greg's is good because it's cheap. You
can taste the quality of, like, you paid for
something that basically costs nothing, and then
you got something average tasting. And that's
what tastes so sweet. Question is, Hal, do you
have a Greg's loyalty scheme on your phone? I
don't have a Greg's near me. I'm in the middle
of nowhere now. That's a shame. I know. This
one is Colin's offering. This one is from Panda
Wizard. We got some little kelpies and that's
surrounding one of the dark water, that little
game box. New character. That's the one we watched
that stream on and it was like incredibly long
segment on this specific. It was, but... They've
painted the model very well and I like the little
helpy fellas. There's another one I'm going to
share as well because it's a two -parter. You
sent me two pictures. It's just the little goopy
guys. It's the little goopy guys. I love them.
How lovely. Made proper realistic -looking mud
in the base as well. That's pretty cool. What's
your secret? I got some mud. I think the guy
from the story earlier. Giggles and Nurgle. He's
the stinky one who does the poopy. This is Hal's
offering. It's pretty nice. Look at how gripply
his mouth is. This one is from Spooky. He's done
a good job particularly obviously on the uh the
green i assume that is airbrush because that's
very uh bright like osl very cool but i think
uh oh hey man is you spooky yeah i like that
you've got um the skin is like you can see this
purple in the like bottom like folds of it we're
saying folds of skin uh but yeah like i'd like
i like how you done that detail and then it's
obviously uh brighter towards the top i love
that model and did you use like a glue gun or
something to make the like yeah strands because
that's really cool where it's like its mouth
is just all blurry and it looks sticky -ish i
wish i had an actual uh version of this model
i'm not paying 55 quid for one uh probably more
now but um it's very it's 55 this is 100 in canada
please sir it's still a lot of money uh i like
that though he's doing a good job on that man
i bet that looks really good on the uh on the
battlefield with the uh with the whole army hell
yeah man and my pick is a space marine because
of course it is and it's from toad and it's a
boy yeah no that is a very cool looking fellow
though it's very well done nice power someone
a nice man with the most confusing bolter in
warhammer history how does it look like that
side that's kind of cool he gangster and also
i like the little watcher in the background just
peeking through makes him look better now he's
got like a little shadow cast on him you know
he's done really well on this if you look at
the very top of the banner like how has he got
the shade so good in that uh a little you just
said it am i blanking um What are they called?
The little guys. The very top of the banner.
The symbol of the Watcher on the top of the banner.
The white belt. He's done really well on that.
That's really good. Damn. You guys are all better
at painting than I am. Yeah. Chess pieces. They've
highlighted up that central Watcher as well.
Hell yeah, man. All good stuff. And if you'd
like to be featured for the Mini of the Week,
check out our Discord. There is a section and
it is called... mini of the week and we will
have a look through and we will show off how
better you are at painting than us. Yes. Other
than that, Hal, before we go, I suppose I should
ask the burning question that everyone's been
thinking. Why Reddit, Hal? Why? Because did you
not enjoy the stories we saw today? I did, I
did, but there's usually connotations with...
With fervent Reddit users. The epic wholesome
Keanu Chungus Reeves. That's everyone like that.
There we go. I think I hit all my bases. We are
in no position to judge. There have been some
heinous things said on this stream. You can make
a Lorecrimes Reddit account and just post on
the threads. Post your Warhammer horror stories
and then we wouldn't have to search so hard to
find these. Free labor. My idea for the next
episode is finding Reddit threads that talk shit
about us. I'm not so sure if we're popular enough
for that. No, like our own channels. The thing
is, my favorite thing I like to see is I'll occasionally
see a thing I've been like, oh, you're already
mentioned in this thing. And it'll be like favorite
lore guys. They'll be like, oh, Amber King's
great. Oh, I love Pancrase No Work. Daedalus
and the Dark Ones. And then you go down and it's
like, kind of like Remembrance. I'm like, that'll
do. Or it's like, oh, there's one that is in
there. the deep recesses of my mind i guess i've
blocked it uh i can't remember what it is but
it's just like always like i'll just see me and
i'll be like there i am two updates i don't think
we have enough to i don't think we have enough
to complain about maybe i'm sure colin maybe
but we're not enough personality we don't we
need more personality i have i have a few i have
a few complainers Not a whole tirade, but I found
some people have very strong opinions. We'll
see if that works. Some slurs for Colin, there
be. Or we could do some other guys as well. You
know, other people. We'll see. We'll do a tier
list of our favorite YouTuber patrons and then
make them all angry at us. Or Reddit threads
complaining about 40k lore channels would be
hilarious. Alright guys, appreciate you all.
Thank you guys for tuning in to this episode.
Regular podcast. stuff next week and I guess
we'll see you all in the next one thank you guys
for you particularly on the tabletop guys the
miniatures are cool and keep sending them in
if you want to check out the streams which are
well just with the donations and unedited like
you know with our faces on it that's still on
the discord and we link it there so you can get
it it's just an unlisted youtube playlist there
and there's banter there's banter on discord
as well yeah and we'll see you guys on the next
one peace bye everybody Until next time.