Hello, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls.
It's us, Law Crimes. Hooray! Always on time,
never late. Never. If you see me in real life...
We'll go for it. You know what? You have something
productive to say. You please don't let me start.
Well, if you would like to know what Colin was
going to say, you can check out our Discord,
where we occasionally just appear like... like
strangers in the night. And we have a good time.
I think we got like over 250 members already
in the first week or so. So that's really good
fun. And we post memes. We have a lark. I've
been playing some poker, not with gambling, just
for fun and always winning against... the ominously
named card shark because of course i lose the
card shark but still it's really good fun we've
already got memes we've already got people using
reaction images of us and our beautiful glistening
foreheads and uh yeah so check out discord it's
good fun and uh i'll put it in the chat the amount
of it the amount of jokes i have already seen
and my face is attached to it like i couldn't
imagine any career i would have had like it turns
out like this is nuts You guys can all hang out
in voice chat while we stream at the same time.
But today's episode, though, we are... I mean,
some of us are particularly gassed for today's
episode because this is a fan favorite. We're
talking about the silliest clown, the biggest
fumbling successful mistake in the entire 40K
universe. Can I... Go ahead, Colin. I'm interrupting
so much. I'm so sorry. No. No, no, no. Go for
it. Go for it. It's okay. funny man but very
important announcement to make first you know
this monday was saint paddy's day it's uh you
know green month and uh there's no time like
now because there's only three days left to get
yourself mcdonald's shamrock shake participating
locations now i'm sure you all might be wondering
did lore crimes get a mcdonald's sponsor These
three may be wondering, did Colin secretly get
a sponsor and not tell anyone? No, I just fucking
love Shamrock shakes. Wow. Wow. So you should
get one right now. This, this, this McDonald's,
you know, you want to come back later, make it
official. If you're listening by all means, but
this one on the house, get yourself a crazy free
ad right there. to send us a lifetime's worth
of just like the the fries holders like nothing
no money just those i'm like what are we gonna
do these i don't know give me give me a lifetime
like put the mcdonald's nearest my house make
them always have shamrock shake there we go i
mean the mcdonald's law crimes crossover is the
probably the weirdest canon event i'm not gonna
lie i don't like mint that much I'm going to
kill you. Yeah, I'm about to say odds. That being
said, though, today's episode is the hero of
the Imperium, Caiaphas Kane, legendary commissar,
absolute... I mean, I think I have read just
casually now, I've read all of his books because
they're so good. I can't describe how much of
a joy it is to talk about this character slash,
you know... I mean, I wouldn't say that it's...
full of depth or anything where it's like, you
know, it's not going to be the best we've ever
told, but I think, like Colin has said before,
it's like, it's a damn good helping of Caiaphas
Cain every once in a while is super, super appreciated.
I read them all basically back to back. I would
not advise, wow, I would not advise that. One,
you know, you might get a little burnt out. I
didn't, but I'm, you know. I tend to just kind
of hyper fixate on shit that's a big thing yeah
I am I am his strongest coward um and uh but
just you'll notice like they do get a little
bit repetitive like they're they're well written
like reading it you're not like this is a badly
written book but you know it's it does some stuff
does get reused a bit I still like it uh I would
recommend you know put a segment it, you know,
read that, then go read the Night Lords trilogy
or something, you know, grim and edgy and shit,
and then come back for lighthearted fun times
with the funny man. Do you like this or Godtrick
and Felix better? I think Godtrick and Felix
more. Yeah. I assume Godtrick and Felix are better
villains, right? I mean... I would say yes, because
Krell showed up in one of them. Kembler and Krell
showed up. Come on. The Throg did too. They go
out. They fight a bit of everyone. I'd say they're
a bit more well -rounded as stories. Kane definitely
leans more into the humor. He's about to spear
your American soldier to death with his nice
bayonet. Banzai. Oh, dear. Jesus. Well, we're
going to get... I'm sorry, Colin. Sorry, we finished
the... No, we're on a roll today. Godkin Felix
are a bit more well -rounded. They're fat. They're
sad sometimes. They're funny. Then you get an
inner monologue, a snorey, and I just want to
drink and cry. Kane's usually pretty reliably
more funny. There are some touching moments later
in the Kane books, which we might cover eventually.
Overall, they're less funnier. They're a close
second, though. We got the Lore Crimes bingo
in the Discord right now. Most of these seem
to be about me or Colin. I did notice that. I
did notice that. I noticed one of the only bingo
things Andy had. Praises the white scars. I noticed
that I got knife ear cope. The worst take known
to man. Colin or Eli get dunked on in gaming.
We're just assuming that Andy and Hal will never
get dunked onto our degree, I guess. That's fair.
I mean, my back is sore. Okay, okay. Play the
clip. Somebody play the Fortnite clip of this
guy dropping 50 miles away. Yeah. We should get
dead. That being said, we should get into the...
the really the good stuff which is the kane law
uh we're gonna start off though just a little
bit of like you know you gotta understand where
you are it is the 41st millennium but this isn't
like you know this isn't like dante crying to
die or anything this is a different vibe and
colin's gonna take it away with uh mr commissar
kyphus king indeed this is a different vibe you
put it very well these are perhaps it's uh kane
everyone around him and Trazen and Orokin are
about the only people having fun in this universe.
So, with that, I guess the Dark Eldar too, but
that's net not fun for more people than are having
fun. But, Kane. Kane is a... Kane is a... He
was a hiver. His parents... Oh, by the way, I
should say... Don't know which hive, by the way.
It's been specified a couple times by the person
annotating his books, who we'll get to, that
she couldn't find what hive he was from, and
she tried. She tried to find what planet he was
from. Seems to have never mentioned it, and from
her investigations, which as an Inquisitor, honestly
impressive she couldn't find it, just never found
it. But he's a hive world, which has given him
some... Sense of how to talk to people because
it is crowd crush central on Hive Worlds and
has given him some navigational abilities and
he doesn't really get lost, which is these are
things that will come up eventually in the. In
these as we're talking about Kane. Because his
parents were soldiers who were. Soldiers in the
Imperial Guard, you can probably assume that
what happened to them, he didn't have parents
for. terribly long. I believe he was raised by
his grandfather for a bit. Although I'm hoping
I'm not mixing that up with Yarek, because I
very well might be. That is the Yarek thing.
Cain went straight to the boarding school. He
went straight to the Scala Progenium. Okay. I
knew he went to the boarding school. I just,
for a moment, I had, like, commissar, no parents.
Shit. Alright. But he goes to the Scala Progenium,
you know, where they train. A lot of different
things, Commissars included. Has a distinctly
underperforming bent in most things. Quite the
swordsman, though. But he was... Kane was a pretty
solid C - student. He passed. He is a Commissar,
after all. He wasn't thrown into the trash compactor.
And given what the Scholar Progenium entails,
he must have... put in some work, because a C
-minus of the Scalabrogenium is still the hardest
fights you're going to have in your life at some
point. Commissars have to be trained to be the
scariest guy on the battlefield. He became a
commissar, but unlike most commissars, Kane doesn't
really buy into the glorious, heroic, lead from
the front, one step back and I'm going to shoot
you mentality. That is not Kane. Kane's ideal
job, would honestly probably be an administratum
clerk, because he wants to be as far as physically
possible from anything resembling a dangerous
situation. Which, to briefly touch upon before
we get to the main book, was his introduction.
He was a commissar for the Valhalla 12th. 12th
Artillery. Yep, 12th Artillery. It was an artillery
regiment, which artillery... You're throwing
shells and whatnot from miles away. You are nowhere
near a fight. It is just nothing. Don't worry
about it. Problem is one of engagement. He was
put on with a, it should be no, you know, I'll
get to that. That'll fit more later. It was against
some tyranids, you know, so scary stuff. Tyranids
are a planet ending threat, but for the fight,
Kane was. Just in the artillery. Again, they're
artillery. They're far off. At one point, it
looked like the Tyranids were going to get pretty
close, and they started getting pretty close.
So Cain, in his infinite bravery and heroism,
stole a chimera and just tried to run. As the
commissar. I do not blame him. I'm not built
for hive tyrants, man. Cain literally went, I'm
going out for a walk, and then never came back.
It's literally the meme of the guy who pees and
then just disappears in frame. The guy just completely
vanished. Yeah. Where did the Commissar go? It
was probably something people were asking. But
on his way to run for his life, he ran into a
flanking Tyranid swarm that was completely undetected,
going to eat everyone. They were going to overrun
the position of the 12th Artillery. So he goes,
well... This is not a viable way to run, is it?
So he turns around. On the way, he grabs who
will soon become his closest companion, gunner
Farrak Yergin, who is in a rough spot. Grabs
him. They flee back. Kane reports the approaching
Tyranid swarm. The artillery blows it away. And
everyone's pretty happy with Kane, except for
the colonel in charge of the Valhalla 12th. He
is semi -spoiler alert. One of only two people
to see through Kane's bullshit. And the only
one to not think of him positively still because
of it. This guy, I think it was like Monstru
or something like that. Like M -O -N -S -T -R.
Those letters are in the name. He doesn't show
up too often. Colonel Moist. He doesn't like
Kane very much, and he has a sneaky suspicion.
Hey, Commissar, the front line is that way. What
were you doing over there? Which Kane, of course,
goes, I had a feeling I went to investigate,
which, total bullshit. But you can't prove him
wrong, so Kane gets away scot -free. But he gets,
for his act of bravery, he's to be transferred
elsewhere from the 12th Artillery Regiment. And
as a fun... parting gift. Before the colonel
can even say who's going with Cain, the smell
hits his nostrils as Cain realizes he has been
saddled with Gunnar Farah Jorgen to be his commissar
aide. And he smells like shit. He stinks, man.
We'll explain it later, though. Smelly man. There
might be deeper reasons for that, but I imagine,
again, it is also just man needs to shower more
often. It's a little bit of column A, a little
bit of column B. If he was around, he'd just
be like, what's that? He wouldn't notice because
it blends in. There's also one small part to
add as well. There's a very brief short story
which talks about Cain. somewhat encountering
something in a tomb that had green light and
was scary and he took a certain shot to his hand
and he lost three of his fingers. And they had
it replaced with automatic fingers. Did that
happen by this point? Yeah, this happened in
the 12th Field Artillery. Oh, I knew it happened.
Yeah, I guess it would have happened before the
before the transfer. That's right. I don't know
why I always assumed that was later. The short
story came later. Yeah, that's probably why I
thought. Yeah, I just assumed it came later.
As a warning, the Kane books are not quite chronological.
They do hop around. One of them was after his
retirement, for example. The next one was then
well before that happened. So he flip -flops
all over the place. But they're more adventures
than they are necessarily one big narrative.
But yeah, that's right. That totally makes sense.
I would have come first. Which, as an aside,
Kane has fought everything the galaxy has to
face him. Kane is a well -traveled person. Out
of every fault you can claim of him, he is not
an uneducated and inexperienced person. And of
note, Eli, I'm sure, will appreciate this. He's
fought Chaos, Dark Eldar, Tyranids, Orcs. If
the galaxy has it, he's probably fought it. Necrons
scare him more than anything else. Good man.
He knows what's right. He knows who owns the
galaxy. And he was captured by the Dark Eldar
once. Necrons is the only thing where he doesn't
care to keep up his facade, and he'll straight
up just say, we need to run. We need to leave.
As you should. I have a las pistol, and you have
a broken las gun. It's time to leave, sir. Nuh
-uh. And yeah, that's kind of the brief background
of Kane. Hiver, so he's learned how to talk to
people. He's quite the charmer. Very much knows
how to work a crowd. Good with navigating tight
spaces, which will come into play in both his
adventures and his love life. Yeah, I know what
I said. And backed by his friend, smelly friend,
Gunnar Jørgen. he is will join the 597th valhellen
division division no division this is not even
anything a regiment yeah i that was just completely
forgetting terminology and that roughly uh will
be where the story begins so i'll uh before i
pass the hell a little brief quick introduction
on the 597th wasn't a regiment that existed once
and officially doesn't actually exist uh what
had happened was fights uh you know the it was
two red two regiments the valhalla 296th and
the 301st heavily heavily depleted manpower like
they had been through the ringer they did not
have enough to form a proper regiment instead
they were merged and became uh well we'll get
to that because that's kind of giving some of
it away Yeah, they were there, I guess, because
a lot of it is in this story. It is. Some of
the stuff, how you were going to imagine you
were going to cover. So it was two regiments
put together and they do not like each other
very much. It is one was an all female regiment.
One was an all male regiment. They one of the
issue, like some of them were far more experienced
in combat. Others had, you know, different proficiencies
that. were honestly work quite well together,
but the friction was they're suddenly forced
to get along through some different, both doctrines
of war and the commander of the female regiment
was put into command of the combined regiment,
just purely due to ranking seniority. She had
a higher rank than the one in charge of the male
regiment. So she was put in charge, caused some
issues there. The various fighting over this
caused more issues. And by the time Kane, is
transferred to this lovely powder keg of a regiment.
Regina Castine, the person, the highest ranking
officer, the woman in charge, is happy to see
a commissar because she is all out of ideas for
how to fix this mess. We need bolt pistols at
the back of the head to maintain order. You're
not far off. Before we get into it though, I
think we have a few donuts just before we did
a proper start. So first off, we got a membership.
Oh, I thought they also said Castina. I was like,
that's really on point. She's here. Thank you
for becoming a member. DonkeyManUSA. Bryce, that's
it every time. Stream late due to Hal gooning
to punished Hal. Oh, Colin, I think. Alright,
well. Question for the boys besides Colin. I
love this question. Alright, Colin. Eldritch
the Great Eldritch the Old Great One for five
bucks. Question for the boys besides Colin. Is
it hard to make Warhammer videos when Colin has
all the correct opinions except Bretonnia? My
bad. I'm crazy. I don't know. I have an ally.
I'm not sure I can defend my opinions that strongly,
to be honest. All I can say is that there was
a brief civil war in the Discord of people fighting
over whether or not Bretonnians were bad or not.
So, well done, Colin. I agree with half the things
Colin says. I have good opinions when it comes
to Warhammer. Eli, do you want to take this one?
Yeah, Carson C., thank you very much for the
$20, Carson C. We very much appreciate it. Flo,
it's nice to finally catch you guys live. Glad
to see my favorite series being covered by you
guys. Only series where I have gone through 11
books in a month. Holy cow. God, I love driving
across Alberta. I drove across Alberta yesterday
to get to my in -laws. So I hope you're having
a nice drive looking at the prairies and the
mountains. Do you want to hit the next one, Colin?
Core6F6, thank you for the five. Hi, fellas.
Need some advice. Recently finished Gotrek and
Felix. How do I cope? Kane. Yeah, Kane. We have
three answers for you. One, come over to Kane.
Two, Gotrek is still around in AOS. And if neither
of those suffice... Alcohol's not that expensive.
Alright. We'll go to a therapist and talk about
Snorri. Read a Necron book, bro. Read a Necron
book. Shark Boromir. Shark Boromir, 1074 for
10 cash. Colin would walk 500 miles to be spit
on by Merapi. Also, happy birthday, Colin. Thank
you for the belated birthday. And you could not
keep me off the Black Ark, as I've said. What
are you, 20, 26 now? 20 bucks, though. I got
paid. Thank you, Jason. This could have been
fun, boys. I'm glad you all made it. Yeah, go
ahead. Check it out. It's actually popping off.
We do pop in and we have a little chat with people.
paralyzed tortoise for two bucks can we get up
a couple mondays for colin that's crazy that
is crazy wow okay and he's you've turned against
me great old one yep five bucks thank you calling
how many inches of your hairline would you trade
for a good eldar book also Eat for you, Eldar
fans. I don't got that much left to give, man.
It's going. I sacrifice every inch. I'd go balls
for a single good Eldar book. Wow, man. 20 euros.
Crap. I like that name. That's fun. Thank you
for the 20 euros, essentially. Hi, Artel W Miniatures
has Kane, Juergen, Kasteen, Brocklaw, and Amberly
Vale minis on sale at the moment. Thanks for
finding content. Godric and Felix, Part 3, Demon
Slayer 1. Thank you very much for the 20. We
appreciate it. Our tale has a lot of cool news.
Is this who I think it is? This is the guy that
has, like, yeah, like, Caiaphas Kane characters.
I'm pretty sure I saw Master Chief. And then
Titties. Wait, no, I think this is a different
one. No, I'm going to look into this. soft pensions
dancing man and thank you for the 20 sek thanks
for the zach games recommendation poop hard eyes
thank you glory to china glory to zach check
out zach games if she wore a hammer shark boromailing
1074 uh for five canadian i would love to smell
jurgen's mask i don't think you would bro i don't
think that's a heinous No, you wouldn't go you
would not I assure you so many donations brothers.
Thank you. Thank you very much card shock Andy
when is the next poker night? We're gonna not
lose all our clothes that was typical and the
time I won 38 K in fake money the game crashed
I literally went all in I smashed it and I was
like Alexander Forsbury for five bucks. Finally
made it to my first live. Andy, your videos are
what first introduced me to the law of 40K. Grateful
for your channel. Long live law crimes. Hell
yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you very much. More
to come. Always more. Always more. Arston C.,
another Alberta mention, $2. Highway 22 is by
far the best ever Alberta roads. I imagine that's
what it says. Yeah, it's a good highway right
there, my friend. It's a good highway. We're
not going to get to the... Thank you for the
10 Canadian books. I love the adventures of Cain,
spelled like the Eldar god, and Jorkin. That's
my favorite book rule. Alright, beginning with
the actual thing. You're going to be Eldar. One
more backstory thing. At any moment, Jürgen isn't
busy, you can assume he is cranking his hog.
I'm not. He's not less crazy. I did have a quick
research, though. It looks like there's a weird
order to the books. From what I can see here,
it says... The order chronologically is like
fight or flight, sector 13, the beguiling death
or glory, echoes of the tomb, the emperor's finest,
dead in the water, and then for the emperor,
which is the first. Some of them are short stories.
They're not. Yeah. I mean, the first. But they
even do still kind of. Book eight. They do still
kind of go all over the place. Yeah. If you read
them in like that order, though, do you reckon
you'd miss stuff or are they like. I think the
one online slash wiki one is not up to date.
There's more books. It would also honestly be
fine to just read them as they came out. Yeah,
because they do say it might actually make a
bit more sense that way. Not everything. But
getting back into it again, as Colin mentioned
briefly, like the Valhalla 597th, you're thinking,
what are Valhallans? Well, blessed be, they are
the toughest bastards probably any side, you
know, that come out of a frozen planet. Valhalla
itself is a death world that is permanent ice
age. Valhallans are stubborn and they basically
wear like... sort of cam they camouflage and
snow really well they basically wear like snow
jackets and fur coats the entire time and they
basically they say cheeky breeky they want to
live in a fridge they want to live in cold temperatures
the entire time which kane hates which is funny
um so the book like if we first start off with
kane uh he's arrived at this like naval um the
two regiments are meeting together here and they're
being assigned a new commissar, which is Mr.
Caius Kane. And Mr. Kane arrives and he meets
with Colonel Castina and Brocklaw, who we'll
talk about in a second. And then he immediately
heads to go meet the regiment. And then he arrives
in this big, grand mess hall. There's two groups
currently. As Colin mentioned earlier, there's
the all -female regiment and then there's the
all -male regiment. And currently, they're having
a disagreement because one regiment's founding
day, they were getting out the plates, the special
ceramics, the china set for their founding day,
and the other group didn't like it that much.
There proceeds to be... an all -out brawl starts
with several members straight up gutting other
members. Some people getting like... Three birds
going. Yeah. Bravost naval officers get beaten
to death while these two regiments are fighting.
Kane walks in the room and goes, oh, shit. And
he's like, I don't want any part of this because
deep down he's a coward in some way. And then
he starts to turn around and then someone goes...
That's a commissar. And the whole room stops
and they just stare at him. And he literally
goes into his mode. Like at this point, he's
built a reputation for being like a kind of a
hero. And somehow like this reputation means
that he has to kind of live it out. Like he pretends
to be a hero all the time because then he gets
him special privileges. So immediately. Go ahead.
And also he's very afraid. That if he doesn't
always live up to the reputation. Someone's going
to connect the dots. That a lot of what he does.
Is motivated by cowardice. And not. Imperium
propaganda. Hell yeah. So he would then be swiftly.
Shot. His instincts to survive. Is way too strong
to be a commissar. They notice that the commissar
is in the room. And immediately he just goes
into. Boss mode. He steps forward and he just
tells them. start like what are you doing clean
it up and for a minute like they're all pause
like they don't know like they're like oh you
know it's a commissar because obviously commissars
in the imperium can basically shoot deserters
or people who don't follow the commissars you
know ruling or you know yeah and immediately
like the brawl just stops and then they just
like kind of shamefully like start sweeping the
floor and putting things back and essentially
this massive name like this riot has been solved
and the castine and brocklaw are like oh my god
thank goodness um but there's a there's a few
now we'll talk about there'll be some consequences
from this that i'll go into but colin and me
are just going to mention a few of like let's
say the ensemble cast that we're going to be
talking about throughout this episode so colin
would you please give the gift of telling us
about gunner feric jürgen of course uh gunner
feric jürgen is one big aspect of him. I won't
cover. Cause we'll get to that later. It does
come up later in the story. So we'll, we'll talk
about it soon enough, but he is. I don't want
to necessarily say people don't like him. They
don't like his aura. And that aura is not an
aura. He just smells like pure unfettered ass.
He's like, he's not very personable. He's. Again,
not a rude person necessarily. He's just kind
of very straight to the point. Doesn't really,
arguably doesn't have too much going on up in
his head. But what he is, is Kane's loyal attendant.
He is his commissarial aide. And he... It's almost
like how Ogryns think every command is directly
given from the Emperor because they don't quite
get how the chain of command works. It's not
quite that, but it is that level of devotion.
He's like, I'm Cain's guy. Cain needs me. He
believes everything about Cain being a hero.
He's like, oh my god. A decision that he thinks
would look cowardly, Jürgen automatically goes...
no no no there's some big thing behind this so
you know i mean 110 faith in kane what wasn't
the the inspiration for kane and uh and jurgen
uh baldrick and blackadder possibly yeah i think
that was yeah for the only initially did it say
british uh sitcoms tv series a comedy one right
well that was the there's like four seasons of
it and they were set in different time periods
but the most famous one is the world yeah each
setting is like yeah the first one's weird because
black ad is a bit goofy and silly then he becomes
super sarcastic in all the other ones and it's
like baldrick is the the goofy one he's the straight
man and then it's like the last season set in
world war one it's really depressing how it ends
like oh god i quote baldrick from the um series
who says they say to him what are you doing baldrick
and he says like Baldrick and Jürgen both have
West Country British influence. I'm carving my
name on a bullet, sir. Why are you doing that?
Well, they say every man's got every man's got
every bullet. What's the saying, Andy? Every
man's got a bullet with his name on it. So he
says, if I've got my one, then I can't die. I
can't be shot by it. And then it ends with, you
know, it's World War I. How do you think it ends?
Can I also mention briefly that Jürgen, Kane,
it makes it explicit that any uniform that Jürgen
wears, even if it was measured to his size, does
not fit him. It is always like slightly too big
for him. It always is completely messed up and
he cannot salute to save his life. But he is
good in combat, but straight up cannot. I believe
it's mentioned for some medical condition, he's
exempt from shaving regularly. Hygiene is not
great, which even if part of what we'll talk
about is what causes him to smell really bad,
as perceived, he also just smells really bad.
To the point that if Kane doesn't want to talk
to people, he will go to his room. put Jurgen
in front of the door, and then they have to make
it through Jurgen, who will, as Jurgen, just
say, Cain can't see you right now. He has to
do things. So they have to, like, headbutt through
the brick wall of a human being that is Jurgen
to convince him they need to save Cain now. And
also just stench. You have to get through the
stench, and most people do not have that fortitude.
He is awfully loyal, though. He also... Oh, I
say when I, when I say that, yeah, like loyal,
like devoted being Kane's assistant later in
the series, someone just grabs Kane's luggage
and starts helping it off the shuttle. You're
going to subset because that is his job as the
commissarial aid. That is Juergen's job. And
it's not even like a, like, it's not even like
Juergen's like thinking it is like, there's no
like, office politics or something like it's
gonna take my place i'm gonna lose my my job
as the commissarial aid i can't let that happen
it is completely he thinks only he is qualified
it's like um he's that it's like a labrador it's
like a sad labrador that's like but i'm the one
who fetches the toilet paper when it runs out
and i'm like but the labrador that kind of like
it smells and it's a stinky labrador With 35
minutes in, we might have to get going. Really
quick. I'll go really quick. For the last thing
about Juergen, you might wonder, aside from paperwork,
Kane also keeps him around because Juergen is
probably the most competent non -marine human
being in the galaxy. He crack shot with a rifle,
surprises Kane regularly like, Juergen, how did
you hit that shot? One time Cain thinks Juergen
misses and Juergen goes, I wasn't aiming for
that. And then something better happens than
what Cain expected. What also helps this is that
it doesn't matter what the situation requires.
It doesn't matter if it's a stealth mission,
if it is a, you know, loud, you know, going loud,
if it's a diplomatic mission. Juergen has a melter
gun strung over his shoulders at all times. And
I don't care. If you're a Necron, how augmented
you are, if you are not a named character, you
lose to the Melting Gun. He kills quite a few
with that, but we'll save that for future stuff,
because it's amazing. Just a very brief bit on
the characters mentioned earlier, which was Kasteen
and Brokklor. They do not get on at all in the
beginning, but they will slowly develop a respect.
Kasteen is, because they both had losses against
Tyranids, Kasteen is probably i think only in
her 30s at the time and she's like um young she's
like a like a sort of young red -headed officer
who kane does say like is pretty attractive looking
and then they will use that to their benefit
later um and in uh with certain you know foppish
men pining after her in certain areas um but
cassine is pretty much needs reassurance as a
character but is competent and uh is very much
a you know fantastic commander and officer who
later in the series you know really gives some
backbone to characters who think they can take
care on uh brocklaw is slightly older than castine
but he somewhat is a good second in command because
he actually acquiesces to a lot of her commands
and he literally like they're like a perfect
match in terms of aids there's nothing like um
really that makes him like he's kind of just
a cool dude brocklaw he's like a pretty solid
guy They both like Cain quite a lot, but he's
not completely... He doesn't surrender to Cain
or anything. They're almost like friends at some
point. Almost, because he's a commissar. But
then there's another small side character, Colin,
who you would please briefly... I love her so
much. Janet Sulla. Originally a quartermaster,
she was eventually due to... the rampant death
that caused these regiments to merge, uh, became
a, I think I'll leave a gunnery Sergeant for
a while or some equivalent. She became in charge
of more people than anyone who wasn't Janet solo
was happy with. Uh, she is described as looking,
having the face of a horse, uh, being pretty
dumb, being just. very much like Imperial Guard,
hoorah, we're gonna kick their asses, and we're
the Imperium, hell yeah, which is an attitude
Cain despises, and even to an extent, like, Castine
and Broclaw, the two, like, main, like, higher
-ups of the 597th, they're also like, you take
it too far, we do not need that many heroic charges.
But, there are, the one she, uh, she has complete,
kind of like Jürgen, complete unrelenting trust
and faith in Kane to the point she will ask herself,
what would Kane do whenever she's in a situation?
And then she gets it completely wrong because
she thinks Kane would do the forward hoorah supercharge.
But she also probably has a bit of a crush on
the guy. She's so ugly. Like Kane literally says
like whenever she's. coming near he always says
quote she's trotting over because she looks like
a horse i choose to believe that kane is simply
being a dick i'm sure she's fine in one book
he literally she because a lot of the book perspectives
they shift and some of the recounting of the
story is from the future janet siller isn't it
colin yes uh what i was going to say is that
in spite of the fact that Her tactics are the
opposite of what Cain does. You should know that
Cain's stories are framed as memoirs. It's Cain
writing down, retelling the narrative as he remembers
them, leaving certain things out, giving a different
spin on things that might have actually happened.
And sometimes in between chapters, there will
be little brief news snippets of what was going
on in the world because the editor is trying
to give greater context to the story Cain wouldn't
or didn't share. And whenever a bit from Sulla
comes in, it is always basically signed off as
General Sulla. So whenever Cain was done, despite
the fact everyone thought she was an idiot, one
of the highest ranking people in the entire Imperium.
It wasn't just like, you know, you're the general.
Oh, sorry. Is this if... If it was a memoir,
are there ever bits where it's just like, and
then me and Jürgen stood down 10 ,000 Tyranids,
and then there's a note that actually reports
that it was only a couple of hundred. Is there
ever bits where they're contradicting? Cain plays
down things rather than play up. Yeah, Cain plays
it down. Amberley Vale, for the most part, then
side note, he's underselling it. It was much
worse than what he thinks it was. Speaking of
Amberley Vale. Oh, yeah. In fact, one of the
only Lady Generals of the Imperial Guard. So
she... Cain doesn't like her, but clearly something's
taken in that brain of hers that made her worth
promoting the General. She's generally pretty
competent. Get him out of here. In fact, yeah,
General is... Lord General, pardon me. Just Lady
General. he's a lady which it should be noted
the only thing higher than that is war master
so she's pretty important hmm i can't believe
it you leave her yeah technically i'm higher
ranking than you space marine like oh dear oh
and the um The next character, though, Colin,
is kind of the last of the ensemble reoccurring
characters throughout the series. Colin, would
you like to tell us about Mrs. Ambley Vale? Of
course. She is the person annotating and adding
in those non -Cain narration bits. She is the
one compiling his memoirs, making them into somewhat
of a coherent narrative, and presenting them.
to her fellow Inquisitors as a source of information,
knowledge of the galaxy. You can learn some good
things from Cain. You should probably read these
Inquisitors. And she's a member of the Ordo Xenos,
specializing, of course, in Xenos. It's in the
name. And she... Some of what she is, we'll get
into this later, but she's a very... very competent
inquisitor as an inquisitor she's also a very
scary woman because inquisitor uh she can and
will make you vanish she uh something again she's
very in the books not as much of a mask of kane
but every now and again there's there will be
a moment where her usual friendly pretty approachable
demeanor she is usually a pretty you know Not
cheerful, but relatively. For an Inquisitor,
she's pretty cheerful, sociable, friendly. It's
not the grim destroy the planet for this is the
grim, dark future. Not quite. It's not I'm going
to commit exterminatus on your planet, but your
family will go missing if you don't do as I tell
you. That's the scale. To her credit, she doesn't
start with disappearing your family, which for
an Inquisitor, pretty good. But then that mask
falls off and the situation needs it, and that's
when you remember, right, Inquisitor, I'm horrified
of you. Since she's both editing his memoirs
and traveled with Kane quite a bit and shared
some tender moments with Kane quite frequently,
she is one of two, the other being good old Colonel
Mustache Man, Mostromo, fuck, whatever. Moist.
Yeah, Colonel Moist. One of the only people that
knows Kane. Hey guys, I'm just running the Imperium's
armies. You should have seen these Xenos bozos
trying to kill our men. I'm General Moist. Yeah,
baby! I'm a colonel. You get outranked by Sola.
How do you feel, bozo? But she's one of two people
that sees through Kane's mask. But unlike Colonel
Moist, it's the more positive light. She feels
that whenever Kane is saying he did something
purely for cowardice, she's an inquisitor. She's
trained to analyze every aspect of a situation.
She feels Kane's not given himself enough credit
for over a century of survivor's guilt and trauma
and PTSD. And, oh boy, is Kane a mess of a human
being. But she, from her peering under Kane's
various layers of different personalities he's
gathered for himself, she... is quite fond of
him. She believes that even if he is pretty cowardly,
he's a good guy. And she is, again, she is a
constant presence. So oftentimes in the narrative
of the story, but she is the one annotating the
memoirs. So you will rarely go more than a few
pages without her putting just a little note
to read after a sentence Kane writes. The best
of which was when Kane said, I'd like to think
I'm not that much of a coward. And the annotation
was just all caps, HA. Yeah, she's clocked in.
Before we get into the actual... So that's like
the background bit is where the story's starting.
And I think we have a few more dinos just before
we get into the proper plot of the first roadblock.
Rich Mac, New Zealand 5. Hal, as you are clearly
an alien that came to Earth to study humanity.
And Colin, surely there were more easy careers
to choose when assimilating. When I became a
teacher, you mean? Look, man, I don't know. I
thought I wanted to be a teacher until I got
to the teaching. Wow. I don't think most people
intend to become YouTubers, apart from the drama
ones and stuff. I'm happy it happened. Yeah,
grateful. Happy. Let's see. Morningstar, five
bucks. Hey, Colin, you heard about Wraithbone
is no longer made using the warp instead of earthly
minerals. Now, that is Garbo, but from what I
saw, I still need to get the new codex. I did
see, I think someone screenshotted a picture
of it and tweeted it or whatever. I'm pretty
sure that was a misunderstanding. From what I
believe, they've... kind of soft changed it to
they do still sing it into existence from the
warp and then it's like they might add stuff
to it for different purposes which is still a
little bit annoying but it's not quite outright
going the warp is no longer involved we're basically
just mining it's a little bit better than that
or they turn it into different materials from
there so it's a stupid it's a stupid lore change
but it's not as garbage as it first appeared
Still didn't need to happen. What's next for
Andy? James Gallagher for five bucks. Colin,
Eli, and Hal, would you watch Fantasy Sigma or
AOS Sigma? Andy Boingob funny. Boingob funny.
Boingob. Ulrich, I think is your correct answer
there. You know, I'm sorry you don't have as
many votes. AOS Sigma. Anyway, Sigmar, because
he actually might intervene. I think fancy Sigmar,
he's trapped. He does still... Intervening softly
is all he can do in fantasy, because he is trapped
in the vortex. Every now and again he does, but
not nearly. There are no Stormcast in fantasy.
There are no Lightning Warriors. Voiced in the
vortex. Sigmar's gone soft. Cast in C. You guys
should check out Project Morningstar sometime.
It's on YouTube and it's from the same guys that
did X -Day. I've checked it out. It's good. I've
seen the first episode. Yeah. Big Mac. Always
love a good animation. Tim Boone. Tom Warren.
Thank you for the $10, Tom Warren. uh this is
kind of weird but i'm gonna give you money to
tell you guys to look at a meme i'm about to
send into the discord although i think andy has
already seen it all right and now i will look
in the discourse okay you like my favorite canadian
and he's my second favorite channel islander
wow Colin is my third favourite diabetic. Al
is my least hated Englishman. Wow. Wow, that's
high confidence. I mean, I think he means Henry
Cowell. I believe that's what I was going to
get. Who else could it be? How would you guys
feel about a Ministorum book styled like The
Office? you know what i'd be some i'd appreciate
if it was like a shorter story i think that'd
be fun the whole book would probably get old
quick let me know 20 30 pages i think that'd
be fun continuing um off though with the story
of this is the first like uh book slash engagement
of kyphus kane in the novels and we've just come
from the massive like uh canteen brawl And at
this point, there are considered five instigators.
It's a mix of things from both regiments. It's
men and women. And they are essentially set up
for a trial on the naval ship. And this is a
bit like Kane sort of first showing off his unique
talent, which is he sort of skews the trial because
it's a... bad thing in which he's trying to unite
these two regiments into the five nine seventh
but then if he has to immediately discipline
and then execute these five people who bother
they all basically killed someone so he was like
yeah it was a bit of a murder a bit of a murder
this is warhammer everyone does a bit of killing
yeah and it's fine there's there's five like
the five in total are like there's a mix like
most of them are like that's like some short
ginger guy there's bit through the women. There's
one who's like a notable character. He's a one
of the snipers of the regiment called Sorrel,
who I remember Kane says specifically he has
been around like Dark Eldar and Sorrel's look
in his eyes are so like. The guy has no conscience.
He's an absolute psychopath in his eyes. The
point in which Kagan feels like the hairs on
the back of his neck go up. He's more scared
of this guy than he is of Drukhari or anything
like that. The ranking goes Dark Eldar, this
guy, and the Necrons. He can tell this guy is
a proper psychopath in his eyes. At least the
Dark Eldar are having fun while they're doing
it. Even Tyboros the Red Wake would... Ty Ross
of the Red Wake would look at this guy and just
be like, that guy unnerves me. That's not right.
Kane immediately clocks this guy like, this guy
is willing to murder anything. Not a blank, by
the way, that guy. He's just messed up. Sitting
at the back of the courtroom, hands on his knees
just there. Yeah, but like, you'll see him at
some point, and he does creepy things, but he's...
so they saw there's like this trial's beginning
and kane is like if he immediately comes in he's
trying to be the commissar for this regiment
and then he has to execute five of them that
probably will not look too like it won't make
them feel too fondly of him and his number one
priority is them watching his back so he would
do anything to make that is yeah like yeah immediately
anything to like means he will survive something
he'll do it So he kind of skews the trial in
a way in which there's other commissars who are
in charge of passing the judgment. Some of them
are a bit younger and they're totally enamored
by like, Oh my God, it's like, it's Kiefer's
gate. Like, you know, bro. So here they're, they're
wins. Like he just, he talks his way around it
being like, you know, I, you know, we need to
punish these guys. It's, you know, that we're
doing this correctly. So I'm going to give them
the ultimate punishment. And then the guy who's
in charge of the naval fleet is like, yeah, death,
death, death. And then. He says, no, no, no,
we're going to put them in a death squad. And
then for the next opportunity, when there's like
a mission that requires basically, you know,
we don't need anyone to survive necessarily,
you know, they make it back. They're fine. You
know, these guys will be the first volunteers
for a death squad. And yeah, it was like a, it
was that or a penal legion. So also basically.
So that. Kyfer's managed to sneak his way around
it, and then the both of regiments kind of celebrated.
It was like, yeah! He actually represented us.
He managed to... The 597th was being cheered
and things like that. So he brought the legion,
the regiment kind of together. And this is where
they first have their engagement with the planet
called Gravalax. Now... No, you go ahead. I think...
Like you said, everything is about, you know,
watch Kane's back, which is why for everyone
else involved in the brawl, they got cleaning
duty for a bit, which is their punishment, which
even other commissars would probably still be
breaking out the bolt pistol for something like
that. Kane wants them united. He does not want
them united against him because Kane is well
aware. of what happens to commissars that get
a little bit too trigger happy with their men.
They find a crack grenade under their bed that
night that is a little bit primed. Yeah, or just
shot in the back in the field. And again, for
what it's worth, he is a better person than he
lets on. He also just does not like shooting
people. In my 40k? What is that doing here? Yeah,
he's not crazy. His thing is just a way. He doesn't
feel the need. So they begin their first... No,
no, no. I'm going to fight you on this. He does
not think it is just a waste. He does not think
it is just a waste. For a slight spoiler again
later in the series, Cain remembers the face
of everyone he's had to execute. You do not do
that if you just think it's a waste of resources.
You do not have a memory palace of the people
you condemned to death if you... It's purely
resources. Cain is... Gain is a good guy. He's
a good dude. It is also, though, however, more
bodies in front of him. Yeah. I mean, to be fair,
I remember all the faces of the people I've executed.
Which is zero, so it's easy. Crazy, crazy war
drop, almost. I'm hoping that... The hobo, you
know, in Midnight. They begin their first campaign,
though, so the first time the regiment's going
to go set out as one group. This will be to the
backwater planet called Gravalax. Gravelax's
lore is literally it is a shithole. Like it literally
is a terrible place. It's kind of on the edge
of like the Damocles Gulf stuff. So at this point,
the Tau are kind of vying for the planet. At
the moment in time, the Imperium and the Tau
have like a pseudo peace treaty or things. It's
in between wars because obviously other things
come up like Tyranid invasions or orcs or...
other things uh so the tower like slowly creeping
their way their influence into all of gravel
axe you can saw when they arrive they see some
of the buildings are like weirdly domed and they're
like and then came to like that's odd why is
it not all gothic towers and stuff where are
the temples yeah and then some of the like the
the city is like there's divided loyalty between
people who live there like some people paint
themselves blue to look like the tower which
is so crazy blue faces really really quick aside
i'm sorry but it reminds me of something do you
guys see like the end of the clone wars would
ahsoka's troops paint their face oh yeah they're
supposed to be like Honoring her as their commander.
Now, now tell me, gentlemen, what happens if
they did that with Mr. Samuel Jackson's character?
Where was Mace Whitney's? Jesus Christ. The city
is like, there's a tense. air to the city is
a backwater planet there's nothing crazy really
there but they arrive at the military base and
then there's some other regiments from different
places and kane comes across his old friend divas
who's like the only friend he really made other
than jurgen in the 12th field artillery because
the 12th field artillery actually surprisingly
there as well and they divas is immediate like
we're going out drinking we're doing it right
now let's go and kane is like Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, so they go. When Divas mentions him,
like, supposedly, like, the regiments have been
here already. Like, there's a rumor of an Inquisitor
supposedly on planet. And then Cain, like, you
know, keeps that in later. Then they're walking
back late at night the wrong way because Divas
is drunk. And they get stumbled upon by guys
in blueface. And they immediately, like, they,
like, say, like, you know, you know, like, this
is, like, this is their anime character. I'm
ready to beat you up moment sort of thing, but
it doesn't go well. Even though Kane is pretty
damn good with a sword, he's very athletic, and
his combat skills sort of elevated his scores
in the Scholar Progenium. He's regularly called
the best swordsman in whatever segmentum he's
in. He's pretty good, but turns out, like, you
know... five on one is pretty tough uh so they
just start kicking the crap out of them on the
floor and um this is but then luckily there's
a big screech that goes off and then this massive
crew rocks up and he says like you know this
is this is not part of the greater good so the
the towel sympathizes back off and then kane
has a few law drops here says you know i he's
like i know what you are you're a crew you know
my parents were killed by crew Well, if you don't
actually know for certain, I think we're not
sure. No, we don't. He might have just made it
up. He just says it to make the guy feel bad,
which is funny. But the crew guy, he saved him,
so he was pretty happy. Goes back to the regiment,
and they're getting prepared now to go meet someone
important, and they've been invited to a special
event, which I think Colin will then take over
for now. Indeed. So the special little event
is nothing more than the governor's ball. You
know, planetary governor, this is still an imperial
world, getting a little bit too towie for the
Imperium's taste, but still controlled by the
Imperium, despite the rampant blue face. And
the governor, of course, being an imperial governor,
his name is Grice, is throwing a ball. He meets,
you know, Mr. Governor Grice, who, if any of
you have ever played Team Fortress 2, fat, bald,
fatty, fat, fat, fat is, I believe, the best
way to discuss Mr. Grice. Thank you. Without
the culture of the ogres to make it almost majestic,
he's just fat. He is standing up challenged.
wow that's crazy to wait and uh but you know
he's uh he's he is still this is one of the things
kane does very much appreciate about his constantly
getting thrown into danger is that he gets to
meet the uh and mingle with the higher uh parts
of imperial society he gets to go to all the
governor balls have all the nice food the nicest
drinks the finest of amasek all of that good
high life stuff And, you know, as the attached
commissar of the regiment, there's an expectation
he'll show up, especially because with Kane's
reputation, he's less brand new for looking nervous
commissar and more the hero of the Imperium,
the gallant Caiaphas Kane. So he makes himself
known, gets around, talks to the governor. Again,
notices the governor. He's kind of walking a
bit weird, you know, moving around a little bit
weird. As far as we're concerned at the moment,
he's just a heavyset dude. He's just fat. It's
just so big. Kane will fixate on physical aspects
of people sometimes, and we are not done with
that this episode. Don't worry. But he also meets
the singer at the party. Again, it's a burial
party. Of course, they're going to have some
ambient music and the finest of singers available.
Now, through Divas, I believe it was, Cain caught
wind of the rumor that there's an Inquisitor
on this planet doing something, which is naturally
the talk of the party. And he approaches, he
waltzes on up to this Inquisitor, and because
Cain is also... Until quite a bit later... He
thinks it's this hawkish man. oh you're right
there was a yes there was a rogue trader uh there
was a rogue trader above you know also here and
kane wanders up to this uh to this to this woman
to this singer jumped the gun a little bit but
i'm sure if you've read the stories you know
what happens we already know because in this
book it says yeah Yeah. He begins hitting on
her, just pulling all the stops and going, you
know, ma 'am, I hear there's an Inquisitor. I'm
a Commissar. I'm pretty important, too. I'm Caiaphas
Cain. And going along with it, being, you know,
ditzy little scene city girl, all that fun stuff,
right? When suddenly the Tao delegation arrives
as Cain's trying to put the moves. It's working,
though. Tao. She is at least as far as you can
tell. She seems to be enjoying his company. He's
probably laying down a bit thick, but he's Caiaphas
Kane. And unfortunately, as the Tau delegation
is arriving, some shots go off and the head of
the Tau delegation is no longer with us. Which
is a bit of a diplomatic faux pas to have the
ambassador of a foreign country gets shot at
your party. And with that, Kane intervenes to
keep things from getting any worse. It's bad
now. He's going to keep the... He's trying to
keep it from their head got shot to, oh, everyone's
shot. Great. Which he does. It should be mentioned,
immediately when the shot went off, The first
person to react was Caiaphas Kane, who immediately
dived behind a sofa. Call the man a coward. Do
not call him unprepared. He heroically dove for
cover, Hal. There is a difference. He was preparing
to exchange fire. To an advantageous position,
please. He was playing XCOM in his brain. He
was like, where's the chest high wall? Everyone
else is shot. And then he's just like, don't
worry, everyone. I'm fine. I like to think it's
like, you know, like aspect warriors move so
fast, like the human eye can't track them. Cane
diving for cover is probably faster than just
basically teleporting. Just muscle memory at
this point. You know, from there, there is, you
know, intervention, you know, all that, you know.
canes remember because at all moments appearances
need to be upheld because if the hero of the
imperium is seen cowering behind the sofa that's
not a good look so intervent you know intervenes
uh doesn't i'm not gonna say save the day because
you know again the guy's dead uh and from there
half the city is uh a little bit on fire and
uh how would you like to take it from there yeah
so for some reason, for the people at the ball,
they don't really know why, but half the city
guard, which are not the imperial guard parts,
which they number quite a bit compared to the
imperial regiments, they've just risen up and
they think, oh, it's go time. We're attacking.
But then, for some reason, it looks like coordinated
and then there's a massive group heading towards
the palace, which Kane thinks... That seems a
bit suspicious. The timing's really quick. The
Tau escorts, who one of them was waving a gun,
and Kay managed to calm him down by telling him,
like, this does not support the greater good.
He's like, you know, haha, I know your own argument.
Well, Kay is a pretty educated guy. He knows
how to talk to damn near anyone. I am the Reddit
mod. But he basically, he says... okay, we'll
find a way around this, because the palace guard,
like, the Tau don't trust anybody, except they're
like, well, we'll trust that guy, Cain, because
he seems alright and he's friendly. And so Cain,
inadvertently now, has agreed to escort the Tau
ambassadors back to the Tau lines. And he's like,
oh, crap. The city guard now are attacking the
palace, but they're a massive roadblock. It should
also be mentioned that he calls Jürgen. Jürgen
was not allowed in the palace because Cain, quote,
shuddered to think what Jürgen would do if he
was there. But Jürgen was nearby and he called
him up. Jürgen cannot drive a car safely if he
tried. And he immediately rocks off. It's bad.
One belated thing about Jürgen's character. He
will get you where you need to be and the vehicle
will be mostly intact. Anything else on the road?
Jürgen's literally just like, hey guys, you ever
played Crazy Taxi? I'll get you where you need
to go, but I am driving over other cars to get
there. Other cars, public parks, through buildings,
you're going to get where you need to go in the
quickest way possible, because a straight line
is the most direct route, and Jürgen simply does
not care if there are things in the way. yeah
this is bad some some towel um escort um what's
the uh piranhas is it not um was it eli that
is a skimmer i think it's not yeah like they
have some some like try and come in they get
shot down and the tower like oh no uh so they
realize they're gonna have to walk it on foot
uh through the city uh the city guards are like
you know they're battles happening kind of in
certain pockets around the city they're trying
to make a safe route through with like canes
like small group and or like valhalla and the
tower emissaries uh they get to a roadblock of
the city guard he's like i'm a commissar let
me through and colonel kasteen is there as well
the city guard find out they have tower with
them and they are they're like they say they
say give us your blueys They drop the hard R
on the blue. Give us the blue man group. This
is the first time you see where Cain is like,
it's a bit of a serious point in the book, and
he feels really big regrets in this, and takes
out his pistol, and they just start shooting,
because they're in the way, and they disobeyed
the Imperial order, even from higher ranks, so
they had to kill the roadblock of the city guard,
which I think Cain says later, like he... pictures
the guy's face who like he was just a young guy
like kind of following his orders even though
he should have he wasn't really following orders
but he should have he was just too stupid um
the basically escort back to the tower lines
kane takes one look at all the towel arsenal
he's like oh god open conflict nah it's not for
me you know it couldn't be me uh what's the range
on that How much? He has said about the Tao,
if there's one thing they know, it's how to put
on a good war. Yeah, and they basically, they
name Cain as like sort of a friend. They say
like, you know, they have a respect for Cain.
And then they sort of, they walk back in silence,
they say in the book, because they're literally
like, okay, we do not want an open conflict with
the Tao. The Imperial regiments are kind of outside
the city, so the Tao ones, but the city's like
erupting and then they're trying to draw. They're
trying to draw the Tau into open conflict with
the Imperium, or at least it looks like that.
But luckily, both sides have sort of stayed.
They kept it back. Next, though, Colin will explain
the attack plan for dealing with these insurgents
slash rebels. So Cain meets with the Lord General,
Zyvan. This Zyvan fella has caught wind of Cain,
you know, his antics. And... Zyvan has kind of
the same idea as Cain. I thought Andy was saying
something. Whoops, I did a very witty pun. You
said Corwin, and I said, that's because of Jurgen.
But, um... Zyvan, Cain, he makes similar appearances
later on. Cain likes Zyvan. He's also... A lot
of the characters in the Kane books seem to be
hoarding the galaxy's supply of common sense.
Zyvan also doesn't want to immediately guns blazing
against the Tau. He's getting ready for it. He
also does not want this protracted conflict,
especially as he calls it, over a mud ball like
this planet Gravelax. It is in a lot of ways
it's being defended more on principle than for
major strategic reasons. Just, you know. No,
that is our planet. You cannot just have it,
Tau. So they come up with a bit of a plan. What
they're going to do is essentially box in...
The guard is going to be deployed to quarantine,
contain, and neutralize these rebelling PDF forces
and all the crowds rebelling. Not going to fight
the Tau. They're trying to be as calm as they
can about that. And they're just going to deal
with the people outright rebelling. Meanwhile,
it's known Kane is going to head the investigation
and finding, hey, who shot the ambassador? So
the Valhalla engaged some of the rebellious guard.
While that is happening, that is because they're
part of the guard forces present. That is their
task. Sulla leading a glorious charge again.
Indeed. Janet Sulla is on her way to think she's
doing right by Cain. Create the casualty report
of all casualty reports. All you hear is clop,
clop, clop, clop, clop. Leave her alone. Stop.
She's a nice lady. Just a bit delusional, it's
fine. Well, so is everyone that is an Amberley
Vale around Cain. Yeah, true. It's... Yeah, so
while at one point, you know, Castine, the 597,
they're going to get against a rebel stronghold.
Cain finds himself a way to get out of the fighting
by going to... a loyalist pdf unit and basically
like hey get your shit together like it's it's
a pdf unit that are they're slacking the back
line which mean kane as a commissar of course
he's got to go put the fear of the emperor in
them he's got to go make sure they're ready to
fight the fact they're in the back line by the
time they get to the fighting that it will be
over purely inconsequential that's just a coincidence
he's a commissar he's got to do what he's got
to do man come on Traffic. It took a while. It's
not my fault. So he goes to this unit and in
what will become a common theme for pretty much
everything Kane ever does, what he thinks is
the safer, less likely to die option is actually
the much worse option that he could not have
known was the worse option. He finds out that
they're actually fighting off far larger rebel
forces than the base the 597th was about to assault,
and were told by the Inquisitor to keep guard
while they look for something in the Undercity.
So Kane has gone from, I'm going to go to the
back of the line, and no one's going to see me,
and it'll be nice and safe, to, oh, I'm in an
Inquisitorial investigation now. This is fantastic.
That's just what I wanted. I'm trying to figure
out how to put this. He's a quick thinker, and
it also helps that in the area Cain was at, the
conspicuous red video game barrels happen to
be present, filled with Prometheum. So he ignites
those, brings the rebels' fortifications down
on them, and then there is some desperate calls
for the Vox from the Inquisitor, that we need
help now, we need rescuing, things are not going
well, this is a... We need some help down here,
which is another of Kane's line of thoughts.
Again, there's a lot of this book is like setting
up what Kane's future character and like his
thought processes will be. He analyzed the situation
and thinks there are two options ahead of me.
I've heard this call for inquisitorial rescue.
I can either run into the burning building and
try and save him. Or I cannot do that and have
it be known that I chose to not save an Inquisitor
when they called for help. Which is, in his mind,
the longer -term chance... He'll face short -term
danger for the long -term... Less danger, basically.
Yeah. The reputation he has, as well as... Some
more practical things later down the line as
well are always at play in what Cain does. So
with that, him and Jurgen go driving again. They
take a chimera and find their way to extract
the Inquisitor's party. And then at this moment,
Cain realizes, wait a minute, that singer I was
hitting on is the Inquisitor, Amberly Vale. Jesus
Christ. Yeah, she laughs when he realises it's
her because he thought it was the rogue trader
and that's not a rogue trader. That's one of
her entourage. The rogue trader was one of her
recruited underlings and he was hitting on the
Inquisitor trying to make himself seem cool by
the way. He knew there was an Inquisitor. I just
like the idea of all the Inquisitor's entourage
standing nearby and they just kind of notice
and go... This will be good. Let's see what he
does. All giggling in the background. He doesn't
know. It should also be noted that Sola handled
the situation with the 597th. I want that known.
There's also one other thing as well. There's
another member of the entourage that appears.
Colin, would you? A certain psychically inclined.
Oh, I mixed up the order and went that way. Of
course. Amberly Vale has a... She's an inquisitor.
She's got her entourage. One of them is a...
She's got, you know, standard bodyguard guy.
She's got... I believe he was an administrative
clerk at one point who is so good at doing mental
math in his head that him and Kane have gotten
banned from casinos later on. Because they will
go in and clear house. He could be a mechanic
and priest. He could be. Just the idea of reams
of parchment and a quill. That guy's card counting
is like, why do you think that? And it's just
like, ace, heart, da -da -da, da -da -da. Oh,
it's because, yeah, he's automatically just...
It's because I'm looking at him do it. Like,
just there with the parchment, like, look, he's
obviously card counting. And of course. The most
important member of her party, short of Amberly
Vale, is the Psyker Rakel. R -A -K -E -L. I'm
assuming that's future Imperium -ified Rachel.
Every time she shows up, you will not hear Kane
fail to mention the size of her tits. Every single
time she makes an appearance. It's like the Kane's
eyes just... To the point that if you forget
she's a psyker, I wouldn't blame you because
Kane doesn't seem to remember anything about
her. Every time. More pressing to the plot, beyond
that, the breasts boobing boobily. The claw.
Her hands. Once the psyker gets close to Cain
and Jurgen, just starts screaming and having
a seizure. Like, violently spasming, and Cain's
like, well, that's not right. What the hell's
going on there? Amberly Vale. Much quicker connects
the dots, but that will come a little bit later
as to why exactly the boob lady is having a fit.
Next, what happens in the story, though, is that
they arrive back to sort of head command back
to General Zyvan's tent. And then Cain immediately
runs off to go to the bar. And this is like even
says like. it's happening like some serving girl
is like hitting on him like getting him drinks
and then ambly veil turns up and the woman go
like oh god you know like obviously she can't
compete with ambly and they get a drink in the
bar and it's kind of because they're having a
conversation in a way in which like kane is not
really himself because he knows 100 ambly can
like see right through him and like kind of knows
he's really like he's not a hero he's not brave
really he's kind of a fraud um but in a way where
like she's kind of like okay with it because
she sort of says in in a way that you're pretending
not to be a fraud you kind of are the real hero
sort of thing as in you know trying not to look
like a coward is in a way in a weird way like
being brave um so but then she says but i'm gonna
need your help to continue with this assassination
investigation because obviously something is
clearly going awry with gravelaxe because they
don't understand why this traitorous pdf is trying
to draw them into a conflict because it turns
like the wider imperium consequences don't make
sense to them yet so they go or bambly says to
him the inquisitor chooses you you know i mean
they're a terrible pokemon thing uh for a suicide
mission because all of her entourage are wounded
and they're injured she can't go back into the
undercity So she needs a crack team to go on
a suicide mission and they're willing to possibly
not return. And you never guess who... And he
says, maybe I could put together a team. She
says, oh, I've looked at your records. You've
already got one. And then Kane goes, oh, no.
The psychopath is back, ladies and gentlemen.
the five the five instigators of like the mess
hall murders i get dragged out and they're told
they're gonna be offered this suicide mission
and if they come back they're basically off they're
off the hook they're fine um some of them even
like i think sorrel the sniper guy he's there
and again kane is like but this guy's like he's
kind of cool he's not like a complete like idiot
but he does ask the question like what if i just
killed you to an inquisitor and ambly says i
mean you could try but eventually the inquisition
or you know the inquisitors always pay their
debts so eventually he's like yeah that doesn't
like sorrel's willing to make the smart decision
the other ones are some of the bit disgruntled
about this mission but most of them are like
cool they get given um really good gear and this
is where mr jurgen gets his melter gets his iconic
melter and... Does he give his melter a name?
He doesn't give it, like, a special name. No,
no, it's probably just called West Country or
something. Or, like, it's just called Diplomacy.
But they basically go, it's time to go back into
the Undercity. And then, the reason you're probably
wondering why... I don't want to do that. It's
like, why is Cain chosen? Cain has grew up in,
you know, a hive, so he kind of has... special.
He's comfortable and he's good in that terrain.
Almost supernatural ability to find his way through
tunnels. He knows how far he is from the surface.
He has a sense of how deep they are on the Earth.
Hey dude, you grew up in a shithole. Surely all
of them are alike. Yeah, pretty much. but um
be the best lethal company player on the planet
they essentially they're like we're gonna go
find out you know because the pdf thing something
leads them back down there so they go delving
into the tunnels it gets deeper and deeper and
deeper until they get fired upon they find some
like corpses like plaza bolts are firing near
them and they realize like oh shit it's the tower
put the tower down here why the tower down here
And Amberley stands up and she shouts something
in Tau and it stops. And they find out, well,
first of all, Sorrel the sniper manages to shoot
and this bird -like noise goes off. So they realize
it was Tau. And it's like, oh, he killed a crew.
The Tau and Kane's team, they have a little conversation
because they're like, clearly we're both looking
for the same thing down here. The crew even say
to Sorrel, like, you know, nice shot. And he,
for the first time, shows a positive emotion.
And he's like, thank you. Well, isn't he? He
just smiles, I think. And they agree to team
up here. And they go deeper and deeper into the
tunnels. They're finding corpses that are like
the Kroot eat corpses, obviously. And then every
one of them is weirded out by that. But the Kroot
spit them out and say something's wrong with
them. It's like the genes of something are wrong.
Eventually, they get further into this massive
hold. and then they see gene stealers yeah and
then that's where ambly is like oh this just
like this is this the whole situation is like
completely changed on his head i think we have
a few more donors before but by the way before
we get to the um next stage there's a few in
there just wanted that morning star again i'll
get this one for now Colin, I want you to clear
the record. Are you NTRing Teclis for Cetra?
I'm not answering this. Are you going for the
Bonefather instead of Elf Husband Teclis? Bro,
we need more drawing. Shout out to the Discord
for people who did the drawing. Excuse me, young
men. I don't understand this acronym. What does
it mean? Or should we better not say it? Look
it up. I'm not answering that. Okay. Who wants
this one? From John Apocalypse. You're getting
best character in 40k. Potentially. My boy. Hankery
is the silliest clown. Wow, that's a crazy name.
Thank you. Call him the type of guy to make an
audible cha -ching with dollar sign eyes before
putting out a video titled... every Warhammer
fantasy races taxation system. I mean, that legit
could be a video. Good lord. The bucket lord
for 20 bucks. Thank you guys so much. Thank you.
Glad I finally got to catch you beautiful lads
live. Thank you, man. Also, the diabetes man
is right. Dark Souls 2 is objectively the best.
Huge, huge, huge. I have shifted. Kill Drednaw.
It's better than 3, but it's still not as good
as 1. Let's just call it that. Kill Andy? No,
I replayed both. And I was like, yeah, 3 is not
as good as 2. Sorry. It's because 3 is like,
hey guys, did you like Dark Souls 1? Look, Wendell
in his bag. But also, it's not as satisfying
as some of the bosses, some of the areas. I'm
like, yeah. That's a 10 out of 10. I hate Darky,
my dear. Thank you for the $10. Thank you very
much. How do I know when you all stream? Need
more links. Usually every Thursday or Friday
around that time. But yeah, we tend to only do
a Thursday if one of us is busy occasionally,
but it depends. So I'm nine o 'clock GMT ish
between nine or 10 o 'clock GMT time. That helps.
And then you join the discord. Yeah. We'll take
people when we take everyone when we stream.
Bean. Five bucks bean. On everybody's soul. Yes,
the soul of every man, woman, child. We need
a Transformers 2 Revenge of the Fallen. What
the heck? What kind of story? The best movie
of all time. Hang on. Colin's never seen any
movies, but you've seen Transformers. He likes
Transformers 2. Transformers 1. I've not seen
any. Transformers 1, you know, the word one,
amazing movie. Transformers 2 is certainly a
Michael Bay film. Oh my gosh. Transformers 1
is good, but Transformers 1 is not good. But
speaking of, so they've appeared in this tunnel
and, boy. I'm not doing it justice because they
are generally all pretty terrified. It's extremely
dark and they're like, that thing's got more
than two arms. Oh, they're really like Amberley
and Kane clocks. Because he's seen this before
and he's like, oh, these are genie sealers. And
he's like, oh God, oh God. And once he's now
spotted them, Colin will then tell you basically
what happened next. So, one of the fine folk
that Kane has come along with, because, again,
this is those five people who were given the
choice of suicide mission or penal legion, so
delayed suicide mission, essentially, decides,
well, fuck this. And with that, the fight just
begins breaking out. I pretty much... most of
the party they came in with is wiped out. The
Kroot are also, again, not going to be... It's
their fault. Yeah, the Kroot... Is it... Basically
that scene from Monty Python where they attack
the rabbit and they're just like, get him, and
then the rabbit starts and he's like, run away,
run away. It's much more like there were a thousand
rabbits. It's the Kroot's fault, though. Yeah,
he... They saw the gene stealers were doing gene
stealer things with crude flesh. They're like,
that's outrageous. You can't have our DNA. That's
ours. We steal DNA, not you. That's my thing.
Stop it. So they began opening fire to which
every gene stealer tunnel went, well, hello there.
How are you doing? And swarmed them. Again, the
last thing Kane sees of that one crew, by the
way, you know, the one that saved him was him
getting ripped into pieces by pure, strange gene
stealers. So, rest in peace, that guy. The party,
eventually, it is just, like, Kane is, you know,
they start chasing. Kane gets isolated from the
rest of them, which is the real Juergen, basically,
by this point, for who's not dead. No, most of
them are all still alive. Well, yeah, aside from
the poor crew. But then they just book it. Everyone's
running in panic. I think Sorrel shot a sniper
round and they exploded a Promethean barrel.
Yeah, and then there was a bit of a tunnel collapse
and Kane is on his own. Yeesh. And then he's
isolated. Comes across the guy who said, screw
this. And, you know, the traitor who was... certainly
not working in the party's best interest. And
even though isolated, he's on his own. Cain's
able to... Cain kills the one traitor. He is
still, regardless of his cowardice and no small
amount of self -interest, he is still a very
capable warrior. And it manages to kill the traitor.
Once again... Luckily, Jürgen... finish of the
job, because the rest of the team arrives, and
then Jurgen proceeds to turn in with the melter
guns. There was a traitor, and then there was
no longer a traitor. The Among Us sound disappeared.
There was a traitor -shaped silhouette for a
flash, and then it was gone. Jesus, melter of
a single human being. Overkill. He finds Amberly
again, and they... He and her start arguing about
how to get back to the surface. And Kane in his
mind is like, we're like two fucking high schoolers
going at it. This is so stupid. But this is one
of the only areas of expertise Kane would have
over an Inquisitor like her. So he's like, no,
we're going this way. God damn it. Which they
go that way and find... As they find the exit,
they find out that... Oh, that's... That goes
right under the governor's palace, which is not
particularly surprising to either of them. If
there's been gene stealers this long, that would
naturally be a target of interest for gene stealers
when they, you know, the uprising happens. I
just like the idea of that. Like, just be straight
with me. Have you seen any of the governor's
entourage wearing hats recently? Like out of
the blue, just like we're wearing hats now. This
is what we do with our style because that's a
bad sign. It should be mentioned the palace guard.
all of their weapons were ornamental. Oh, yeah,
that's right. Yeah, it was a terrible choice.
Which mentioned, at this point, a lot of the
group, they got attacked by a genie again, and
they got separated. Amberley has a teleport homer
thing. If she's about to get killed, it teleports
her a few feet away. Yeah, a displacer field,
if I remember right. It teleports her in... Kane,
I think, a bit, and then the rest of the group,
essentially, like, they get put on another side
of, like, a tunnel, and they basically get separated
from the group. Yeah. Which is, and then Paul
Kane does think, like, Jürgen's dead at this
point, and he's, like, been with him for a decade,
so he's pretty grief -stricken. Him and Amberley,
they seem to get on, like, they have a bit, like,
they kind of, like... Eventually they laugh about
how ridiculous the whole situation is and they
actually have some good bonding time. It's like
high schoolers having a fight. Yeah, it's nice.
It's cute. And then they go up to Colin and say
they're in the palace grounds. They're trying
to sneak in. They're also like, why is there
a direct tunnel to the palace? And then he says,
oh, the palace guard are here. Oh, they're genie
stealers. Oh, God. Yes. They take off their hats
and show the ridges and they're like, I knew
it. Look at my ridges. You never wear baseball
caps. Man of tiny ridges. They start attacking
the Genie Steelers and they notice something
really, there's a really big one and it's intimidating
as hell. And this is where like Kane and Amberley,
they're like, fuck it, they're just charging.
turns out jorgen and sorel they still alive they
burst out the side chamber from jorgen's melter
and we're back yeah and i just like the idea
that they just went away when they entered like
kane is literally like oh yeah you know like
kane is like hell yeah and then um sorel is like
on the top ropes literally sniping ones ambly's
double pistolling it um The Patriarch starts
coming for Kane. He starts dueling it with his
chain sword or chain blade. Who the Patriarch
is, by the way. There's more than one at this
point. There'll be a new one after this. This
Patriarch one is pretty... Kane cuts off one
of his hands. It's a Gene Steeler Patriarch.
He's like, I'm about to die. Then Jürgen is like...
i'm coming comrades are like literally comes
up behind and the patriarchs are staggering like
he's been on a night out uh he's like holding
his head it's like something's wrong and then
kane is like oh and then jorgen proceeds to i'm
not joking like point blank melted chest shot
a patriarch Be real for that. Like a WWE throat
tackle or spear. Or you, leave my husband alone.
What did you say, Jürgen? Nothing, sir. It's
fine. Jürgen simply does not care about backblast
nor minimum safety ranges. Jürgen absolutely
delivers. They kill the Geneseas here and they
go up into the palace and they're thinking, Kane
is like, starting to put it together. He's like,
oh, maybe, you know, maybe there's a reason there's
a tunnel up here. And then two shots fire out.
Poor sniper Sorrel, who'd been a bit of a badass
throughout most of the story, his head explodes.
Jürgen takes a knock onto his helmet and knocks
him out. Governor Grice... It was a bolt pistol
round, if I remember correctly. He got shot in
the head with a bolt pistol. Yeah. But he lived.
It was fine. It was a hit helmet. The governor,
Grice, reveals himself and he was the one who
assassinated the tower ambassador because he
has an extra hand. He has an extra arm and there
is little fat thing hiding in the belly for you.
Yeah, that's why I just like the idea of him
slow clapping and then one other hand just flipping
the bird like, oh, you have a clap. You foiled
my plan. The fatty McBaddy, he is like, you know,
like, you little bastards. And he just says,
like, you know, there'll have to be a new patriarch,
you know, because, you know, then they're going
to bring the Imperium and Tower into conflict
so that they're weak for when the next, you know,
tyrannid invasion happens and then Genesee can
call for, you know, the great sweep release of
death. He shoots Amberley Vale. Because Cain
doesn't, he's had his, like, pistol knocked out.
Amberly Vale vanishes. But, no, she obviously,
again, she displaces Field. She appears behind
him, swoops down, grabs one of her, like, I don't
know, and then aims, like, a ring, like, a needle
ring, like, one of those small Inquisitor Ducaro
weapons. And immediately, Grise, digital weapon,
and then Grise, like, goes, like, ha, oh. As
in, like, at the moment, and then his organs
seem to liquefy within seconds inside of his
guts. Yeah. Not good. The Valhalla's kick the
door in, and they're like, oh, it's fine. It's
Kane. It's Kane. And then Janet's sort of been
delivering all the, you know, the badass and
the wind. They've managed to... Hoorah! Hoorah.
Then they bring out two of the survivors who
are from the... The originals. The original group
who went down into the tunnels, the ones who
were part of the mess hall slash suicide squad.
And they look, they brought two of the survivors,
and these two actually had formed a relationship
throughout the entire book. They became like,
they're in love. But they seem a bit weird. Something's
not right with them. Oddly unharmed for having
been swarmed by an entire Genestealer cult. And
then Cain looks at Amberley and Amberley kind
of looks at Kane and then he shoots him on the
spot. And the rest of the Valhalla's like, yeah,
you were, you were the good one. You were the
good commissar. What happened? Yeah. They're
a bit like, like Castine. Castine is like, you
know, what the hell? And then Kane goes up to
them and it reveals like there's a small like
cut, which is like a gene sealer kiss. So they
were going to be future genie suitors. This one's
got a hickey, guys. It's got a hickey. Kanan
knew of it previously having fought Tyranids
and obviously being a commissar more up to that
info, which obviously a regular guard might not
know about. But eventually the Valhalla's like,
okay, okay. They weren't like standoffish, but
they were literally like, huh? Because they didn't
get it. But that kind of... ends like the tail
and the tau themselves and the imperial elements
are sort of not working together but they basically
attack the uh the what is now obviously gene
sealer pdf and so they start mopping them up
um the tau literally in my notes here the tau
fuck off because they literally say gravlax is
not worth it yeah there is one little thing of
note with the tau uh From, you know, along with,
you know, the two guardsmen that Kane promptly
just... The Tau also find two other Tau members
of the Pathfinder team that are similarly miraculously
unharmed, despite the... And Kane, like, he's
worried, and he's almost like... At least the
way it seemed to me, he's like, he's gonna go
tell the Tau, like, hey, that ain't right. You
might want to check those guys. Then Amberley
pulls him aside and is like, no, no, no, no,
we don't... We don't need to let them know about
that. That can be there. It's Tau. It's fine.
I mean, Eli, for what it's worth, it's the Tau.
I'm sure they have some gene scanner. Perhaps.
Their technology is amazing in the sense that
it isn't shit. And then Ambly said, it's just
a prank, bro. It's just a prank. And then, yeah.
They do name him Tau Friend, though. Which is
good. So they kind of win Gravelax in a way,
but like, it wasn't to the scale of like a great
imperial victory because it's still not open
you know the damocles gulf is always in conflict
at this point uh the kind of remain the main
uh story is like wraps up here with amberley
who meets with kane again in the bar and this
is where she explains like why the you know the
blessed inquisit like the best psyker um was
uh um somewhat yelling when you know when jurgen
was nearby why jurgen seems to smell really bad
why like people when they're around him don't
seem to really like him that much and that's
like kane who's like kind of warmed up to him
over time because jurgen is a blank he is a pariah
around him the warp is anathema to him and Like
with other things with people who are blanks,
it can manifest in ways where it's like in the
Eisenhorn stories, Beckwin, people just don't
seem to really like her that much unless you
get over the fact or if someone's a psycho and
they touch another blank, they literally scream
because it's being cut off from... you know like
mummy and daddy's you know private trust fund
or something like that your soul is being put
in a straight jacket around a blank essentially
yeah uh but jürgen although sometimes it can
just be like oh that that guy has a really punchable
face and say he hasn't done any things like yeah
i know but like just don't like him maybe that's
the explanation in real life you ever meet someone
like there's no discernible reason you just don't
fucking like the guy but Jürgen is essentially
a blank and it somewhat is implied like much
of Kane's luck over the years has been the fact
like with the Patriot you know getting screaming
when Jürgen's nearby like much of Kane's luck
is from perhaps Jürgen being around him or like
somewhat bubbling him in some way but Ambley
says I'm not going to recruit him or take him
away because a valuable asset like Jürgen, known
as a blank, could stir up trouble in the Inquisition
slash people may want to have thoughts on who
Jürgen should belong to or things like that.
So she's happy to leave Jürgen with Cain for
now, but they both certainly will be at her whim
whenever she decides it. And then... kane and
uh ambly seem to have like a nice toast and then
a beautiful friendship a beautiful friend you
got a girlfriend you know you got a girlfriend
not quite he has many girlfriends he's a slug
let's just say you know the night didn't end
with just the drinks let's just say that is it
is implied the night didn't end but the book
did yes uh you know not you know gene seal is
a bit of tau and some guard got clapped but other
things were clapped as well later uh let's just
leave it at that though that's that's kind of
the first keifer's cane book it's like pretty
what the i was like they're all pretty much like
an even level of like none of them are bad they're
all just like just as good as each other in some
way i'd say um but this one is a pretty good
strong start to the uh kyphus kane obviously
we didn't cover every detail um but that's a
kind of the overview there's some uh funny moments
again most of the really good stuff about the
kane book is like it's written through kane's
perspective so like we said like keen kane for
genius he lives in his mind he's like oh god
oh god oh god and then he's like amazing and
he's like yeah i was like that was amazing people
well done so he on the surface he looks like
he's like in control and in his mind he's like
i'm gonna put my head in the sand he never looks
like he's afraid but he is always afraid and
he's breaking it constantly i mean i i've not
read any of the books yet but i'm looking forward
to ones like there's one where he communicates
with the iron snakes chapter i think and so it's
like I like the prospect of how does Cain interact
with this faction and this faction? There's one
way he does follow with Astartes, that one. There's
two, actually, where he follows Astartes in some
capacity. But Cain is a pretty funny character.
It's very enjoyable because much of the book,
as in the audiobook listeners or the ones who
read it, it switches from Kane's memoirs to,
you know, him being an unreliable narrator to
Amberley correcting the record slash adding in
some little quips to, you know, some general
world building things from other areas. And then
Janet Sulla's immensely overflowered Baroque
language of like, we went to charge and my breasts
fluttered with pain. You know, it's like she
talks like that the entire time. And it's very
hilarious. She is a treasure. Leave her alone.
God damn it. Completely delusional. Lady General.
The second highest post in the Imperial guard.
And the only one above that is one they don't
use anymore. That's kind of the first book though.
I hope you guys, I mean, what do you guys think
Colin or Colin, Andy, Andy, what do you think?
I mean, all I will say is I, I'm really looking
forward to getting to the Caiaphas Cain books,
but because I'm going to do a video probably
next year, I've got to get through like 16 books.
That's a lot of books. So I'm looking forward
to it, but I'm also daunted by it. Two minor
fun facts about the Valhalla ones to end off
on. They're the most well -supplied regiment
in the entire Imperial Guard. Mutastorum screw
-ups means that as far as they're concerned,
it is still two regiments, not one. So they get
like double the everything supplied to them,
which is good because they're stereotypes of
like Soviet Russian tactics. Forward, men. They'll
run out of bullets eventually. And Kane was so
good at mediating them that his biggest issue
went from they're killing each other. I have
to stop this too. were on campaign, stop getting
each other pregnant. I know the Imperial War
effort is good and all that, but like, I don't
have enough nappies for all these babies you
are producing. Stop it. They're too young to
hold a rifle. He will sometimes be a babysitter
for them. Which means there is a non -zero amount
of people who Uncle Cain babysat. It's particularly
funny, he mentions like... It literally says
in the novel, his headache went from them hating
each other to him breaking up lovers' trysts
all the time. We are on campaign. A battle is
tomorrow. I need you in fighting shape and not
pregnant. And you know for a fact, Jurgen is
the guy who, like, any time you give him a baby
to hold, he always cries. He's that guy! But
everyone cries around him. We forgot one Jurgen
tip. A big thing was, Jurgen has an incredible
ability... to scrounge food at any point. He
always has a sandwich. And most importantly,
the bitter drink that Valhalla and Kane really
like, which is tanner tea. He always offers Kane
tanner tea at any point. And everyone else says
it's the worst drink ever. It's not vodka, it's
just tea. It is just tea. Amelie hates it. Everyone
who isn't a Valhalla or Kane needs it. It's like
vod is water and cat is little, so it's like
little water. It's only a little bit of water.
It's a little water. So like tea. Sure, guys,
you got your tea. Kyle, now that you mention
it, we forgot two Jürgen fun facts. At any given
moment, and Kane will bring it up numerous times,
if Jürgen is not busy with his commissarial duties
or fighting, he is looking at porno slates. Yeah,
he's joking it. He will just do this in public.
He does not care. Poor guy, though. The thing
is, you know for a fact, every girl he approaches
is like, get away from me. He'll do it in his
room. He's not cranking it in public. He is reading
them in public, though. He just doesn't have
any human connection. He's like, oh, no one likes
me apart from my husband. I have read Greater
Good. That's the only guy of his cane book that
I've read. The one where he fights with a Tao
guy. Oh, I was going to say, it's because it
has Tao in it. The Tao in that book, they first
meet in this one. He's one of the guys, part
of the envoys, who he saves. So that's how the
connection was. brought about uh i think with
that though um was there a question of the week
segment we have we do but we have some donors
so should we go through the um question of the
week first uh just because there might be some
attacked on at the end but uh i've got a few
so last time we we should really call this question
of the month or question whenever we remember
the question of we remembered it this week um
but Last time was our Trench Crusade episode
and it was hashtag crusade for basically, if
you could like take a character from Warhammer
and plonk them into Trench Crusade, who would
it be? The first one we got from rarest Pepe
saying hashtag crusade. I would bring Techlist
to Trench Crusade, not because I think he'll
help, though I'm sure he will, but to keep him
safe from Colin's lecherous hands. Wow. Which
was the highest voted, highest thumbed up of
all of them. Join the Discord to see the pregnant
Technus Colin drawing. Yeah, I'm really happy
that I got a message one night from the person
who drew that. She was like, hey, I made some
fan art. Oh, what is it? I guess. Your hero.
Second. The second we got was a Roberts2561.
I would bring Boingob just to see if he would
just slam his face into the sun again in a different
universe or try to eat the spicy meatball Beelzebub,
which would be very fun. Look, it was a magic
sun. He had the card stacked against him. If
you put him in 40k, he's eating suns, no problem.
I believe in him. The fact that he jumped that
high. Yeah, he's goaded. Get cooked. It should
be noted. It should be noted. He also, because
the sun is also just a realm, he jumped in between
an infinite void of magic to the realm of the
sun to eat it. Truly goaded. God bless. Truly
goaded. God bless. And also, we should point
out, in Discord, there is a server channel that
just is Praise Boingob, and you just have to
praise him. Praise him right now, boys. Praise.
Go in there and press. Praise him now. And the
last one I picked was the Trismegist. Trismegist?
I would bring the Emperor of Mankind, Great Crusader,
out of Trench Crusade, because everyone would
think he's God, and he'd get all annoyed. Oh,
it's that guy. Oh, the confusion would be immense.
You see the problem with that one is, unfortunately
for him in that setting. The Judeo -Christian
God is also there. And I don't think he'd be
very happy with Big E. You know that meme of
the guy at the football match who's just there
going, that's just like, that contest is Big
E appears in his golden armor. Yes, we have got
a few donors to cap off the episode. Anyone want
to read this one? Slanesh. Vincent. Or Alana.
Or Alana. For the fiver. Of the four of you,
which chaos god are you? No duplicates. You know
what I'm about. I'll just say Korn. Andy's Nurgle.
Andy's Nurgle. Why is Andy Nurgle? I would choose
Nurgle. You know, back in Andy's day. Yeah, but
which one of us is farting on a roommate's door?
Certainly not Andy. How's Tentacle, Eldritch
Horror guy? I'm not that smart. I'm just going
to say I want to pick Korn because you guys weren't
there when I used to play slightly competitive
Gears of War multiplayer. With the Gnasher shotgun.
I know what kind of man you are. I'm giving Andy
Zeech. Zeech is Eli. Oh, okay. Zeech, you've
got the clever scheming. You have the clever
scheming to network Jesus Christ himself on this
fucking podcast. I'm waiting for it one day.
J .C. in the D .C. You're not going to believe
who we have here for next year. Jesus of Nazareth.
Colin, would you like to take this one? You know
what? I'm proud of this. Fuck you, Bean. Thank
you for the text. Colin is the type of MF to
say, I am directly below the enemy scrotum while
he sends his coordinates to a ship carrying a...
So it can blow up the giant robot that's eating
one of the pyramids. You know what I say to that?
John Totoro is a treat. He is a treasure. He
is. He is. Pointless hub is right. Imperial loyalists
for five bucks. You now remember that time Kane
did a planetary governor's daughter on a Stardust
strike cruiser. I do now remember that. I thought
that was not Kane, that was Gorn. Maybe? Well,
Kane also did it. I'll have to reread the book
to remember if it was on an Astarte strike cruiser,
but it was on a ship that a planetary governor's
daughter and Kane got busy. Chris Tofa for two
bucks says there's a serious lack of Raquel fan
art out there. I mean, maybe not. It's got to
be out there. It does not need to be out there.
Is that the last one there, Andy? That's the
last one. We should finish off with one last
generous helping of the advertisement of the
Discord here, because someone wrote a lovely
thing in our fan art. What about the second question
of the week? Oh yeah, sorry. Oh, good point,
yeah. Before we forget the question. The what?
Next up on the hashtag when we remember to mention
the whenever we do it question. Hashtag Cain.
What situation would you throw Cain in? Yeah.
We had a funny one of like, imagine if Cain was
there during the Emperor fighting Horus on the
Vengeful Spirit. He's just like, why am I here?
Alternatively, what if Cain is under the enemy
scrotum? Horus riding his looper cow. Hashtag
Cain for that one. Amberly watches. Hashtag Cain.
Finishing off... Don't put Amberley in the cuck
chair. Finishing off this lovely episode with
an advertisement to join the Discord. I will
say the context of this post is there's a picture
of Colin dressed like the chicken man suit from
Toy Story. And there's a lovely paragraph that
goes to explain someone's first -hand account
that comes with this lovely picture. It says...
I saw Colon, Pancreas No Work, at the grocery
store in Los Angeles yesterday. I told him how
cool it was to meet him in person. But I didn't
want to be a douche and bother him and ask him
for photos or anything. He said, oh, like you're
doing now? And I was taken aback. And all I could
say was, huh? But he kept cutting me off and
going, huh, huh, huh? And closing his hand shut
in front of my face. I walked away and continued
with my shopping. I heard him chuckle as I walked
off. And when I came back to pay for my stuff
up front, I saw him trying to walk out the door
with 15 Milky Ways in his hand without paying.
I know what they're referencing. God damn it.
Real scenario. The girl at the counter was very
nice about it and professional and was like,
sir, you need to pay for those first. At first,
he kept pretending to be tired and not to hear
her, but eventually he turned back around and
brought them to the counter. Where is this again?
When she took one of the bars and started scanning
it multiple times, he stopped her and told her
to scan them individually to prevent any electrical
interferences. And then turned around and winked
at me. I don't even think that's a word. And
she scanned each bar and put them in a bag and
started to say the price. He kept interrupting
her by yawning really loudly. That was the Discord
post. That was awesome. That was by... I just
loved Colin's checked out expression during that.
Yawning loudly. Thank you, everyone. What the
hell was that? Thank you, everyone, for coming
on this episode. Join the Discord. Get along.
Watch our weekly episodes. We'll catch you guys
on the next one. We have merchandise and stuff.
Links for all that. Go check it out. Love you
all. Like, subscribe. All the good stuff. And
we'll see you guys on the next one. Peace. Bye.
Bye.