Hello ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it's us, the law criminals.
Yay!
You're the law criminals.
We're all law criminals together.
God, and always on time.
Thank goodness.
Always on time.
Any technical difficulties ever.
To be fair, that's nice that you guys have like a pejorative for your audience, but you
can say like, you know, believers or something like that.
Criminal scum.
Well, I was thinking you're the Sandman of Terror.
Maybe you could call them the Grains.
That is literally what my son would say.
If it's like a stream or something, he'd be like, how are the Grains?
You guys have the same sense of humour.
We have a special guest today.
We have Ed of Sandman of Terror.
Probably, you know, I'm sure you already know of the dude, absolute Horace Heresy, you know,
King probably in the Warhammer space, I'd definitely say.
Good friend of the channel.
We're here though, to do something a bit more, well, we're not here to dive deep into interesting
Horace Heresy or Eisenhorn Theories or anything like that.
Today it's a merry season, boys.
Here are Primarchs with, like us all here, Daddy issues.
Daddy issues is the theme.
So let's hope, let's do something to like help, you know, let's lift the Christmas spirit.
People in the chat can also play along whilst we're doing this if they want as well.
How, you know, I've just noticed the little subtitle you got below your name.
What's going on with that?
Don't worry about that.
All right.
No, no, no.
It's me.
That's concerning.
I'm just doing my work.
Also, speaking of pancreas and work, can we also mention another special guest that's
on the stream?
Look, dog.
Ah, yeah.
Ickle dog.
Ickle, Ickle dog.
Oh, no way.
That's cute.
Little American.
Just mind you, have you ever heard of the show Bucky O'Hare?
Captain Bucky O'Hare.
He was like a space rabbit.
It was great.
I have not.
We should mention that today is about Secret Santa for Primarchs.
These guys need some gifts.
We here, using our extensive Warhammer knowledge and terrible sense of humor, have decided
to bring forth some suggestions.
Again, some of us, they don't know.
I think Andy knows what the rest of us have put in, but some of us here are ignorant to
the absolute disgrace we're about to present to the rest of the group here.
Yeah.
DJB's Collins forehead did not get worse.
Why would you say that?
Jesus Christ.
I got a haircut, you asshole.
Oh, Ed, since you've last been on, the chat had been even more aggressive.
We've lost control of them.
We have new fans who are really aggressive with it.
We love it though.
We've got 20 Primarchs to get through and there's four of us, so I think we should just
get straight into it.
We're going to start with the line.
We're going to go all the way to Alpharius.
We'll begin with, we'll go Colin, me, Hal, and then Ed, because that's the order I've
received these in.
So, starting off, Colin, would you care to explain your presence for the lion?
Of course.
Oh, wow.
Well, you see, I think the book, The Lion would be great to get the public speaking
skills for dummies book, because I think he could learn how to speak to another human
being.
I mean, every passage I read with the lion, if he's not talking to one of his brothers,
it's not great.
See for citation, the chaplain whose head he smacked clean off.
Excuse me, backhanded.
Pardon me, backhanded.
Is that a defense?
I mean, maybe he was just disobeying me.
It wasn't full force.
That even works.
But he still took his head off.
He pulled first.
The guy had a head before the conversation started, then he didn't when it was done.
It's a weird part of the lore, isn't it?
I always find that really out of, like, jank, come out of their field.
I read an author's opinion on it once, and they said what they were going for was to
demonstrate kind of the animalistic nature of the lion in that scene.
But it just makes him look quite childish, to be honest.
It's my most hated scene of the lion.
Poor Nemuel.
Because Nemuel's basically like, hey, maybe we shouldn't break the edict of Nikea.
And the lion goes, no, that's cool.
Shut up, nerd.
I think we can use librarians.
And Nemuel goes, no, that's not how the emperor works.
You can't just break his rules.
And the lion goes, well, I've said it's fine.
And then Nemuel goes, no, I don't think that's right.
I'm pretty certain we have to follow what the emperor says.
And the lion goes, shut up.
And then he just punches his head.
Trust me, bro, on his son.
Maybe Curse is probably the best angle for that rather than a Nemuel chop.
You know what I mean?
I would wager he's also he could be better at, you know, in some situations at being
a general than Horus.
But he's such an uncharismatic dickhead that you can't make him war master because that's
everyone's going to complain because he's an ass.
So I was reading Sons of the Forest.
I know it's Son of the Forest.
I know he's mellowed out a bit.
He's gotten better.
That doesn't mean he's gotten good.
It does not mean he's a good speaker.
Means he's less awful at it.
The scene on the ships, though, like when he rallies all the imperial defenders and
their mass, I know.
What a scene.
Come on.
That's the epic.
He does.
He's done good.
He has done some good stuff.
It's just I think a lot of the heavy lifting is like, you know, that Primarch sauce where
you go, oh, that's a Primarch.
I'm going to listen.
If you remove that, he could learn how to talk to people better.
That's all I'm saying.
So that's why you get that skiff.
We will say for the chat, though, we will get to the donations every basically every
20 minutes.
So we are keeping an eye on that, brothers.
We're not forgetting about you.
Every thousand pounds will be.
Yeah, yeah.
Merry Christmas to everyone, though.
Merry Christmas.
Although we do have an episode next week.
Andy, what have you brought to the table?
Just because we've got to get through them.
I've brought to the table Monty Python's Holy Grail DVD.
I think I think the lion could really like benefit from this because it's like a classic.
He might learn some a thing or two about how to fight like truly devastating enemies such
as that rabbit.
It's just a rabbit.
I think the lion could really like benefit from this because it's like a classic.
He might learn some a thing or two about how to fight like truly devastating enemies
such as that rabbit.
It's just a rabbit.
Holy Hang Grenade of Antioch.
I'm sure he'd love that.
And it's very in keeping with his theme of Caliban, you know, not not listening to wenches
in front of castles who need a spanking.
It's great.
You'll love it.
I'm sure it is.
That is actually a good gift, though, which makes me feel really guilty for what I feel
like I have.
I feel like I've really appealed to the Colin circle here rather than the actual wholesome
ones.
I like that.
It's a good film, although it's weird to watch when you're quite young.
You don't understand the jokes.
It's funnier later in life.
Explain yourself.
What is this?
What have you done?
Minion pizza?
Explain yourself.
What is the reasoning?
What am I looking at?
His own joke as well.
It's not coming through to me.
I'm trying to see it and I'm failing him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
If the lion was to make a pizza.
Okay.
Yeah.
I can't get through this.
I'm crying too much.
Okay.
If the lion...fuck.
If the lion was to make a pizza.
We know he's somewhat on the spectrum in some way.
My fucking god.
I feel like this would be the sort of thing that would appeal to the lion in terms of
like, it's a divergent pizza.
I'm not going to justify it.
How?
The Minion pizza in skivety toilet and blu ray.
Look, Hal, I'm only going to ask you this once, all right?
Do you need help?
Do you need a friend at this trying time of year?
You know, ask me at the end of my suggestions, because this is getting worse.
Honestly, it's worse than this, the rest of them.
But generally I don't think it needs anything more.
I think he would look at that and be like, that's my favorite type of pizza.
Nothing more to add to that really.
No more difference.
Okay.
This one's from Ed.
Ed, could you explain to us your gift to the lion?
Well, I think that all Warhammer tabletop fans will be able to empathize.
There is quite frankly, nothing worse than when you break a sword in half or something like that.
That's why I approach this from the angle of like, what has the lion got?
And I like to believe that Rabuteh Gilliman gave the lion some Tamiya extra thin cement
towards the end of the horror's heresy, because Gilliman very famously breaks the lion's sword over his knee.
And so I like to believe that he then gave the lion some sort of copious amount of super glue
to put the sword back together, which is why it's allegedly in the hands of Seifer today in 40K.
I could envision a couple of Dark Angels just like holding the hilt and holding the tip and he's just like, stay still.
Exactly.
The reforged sword though, you can actually slice his pizza.
So it just goes so well.
Perfect. Perfect.
I can see Colin dying.
Way to lower the tone, Hal.
I know. I promise.
It actually gets worse.
Let's move on to Fulgrim next.
Colin, here's your choice of what you would gift Fulgrim.
So here's my thing.
Fulgrim is a perfectionist, but I think something that would have helped him rein it in a bit with the Slenesh stuff would be like,
get him a hobby gift.
So I think Fulgrim would, I think he might have a good time mixing drinks.
I think he would make the perfect cocktail.
I think it would be a nice thing to keep him from some of the worst excesses.
I think it'd be good at it because again, perfectionist, I think it would be a good way for him to take his mind off stuff that doesn't involve taking his brother's head off.
That's actually quite a good gift though.
It's quite classy.
Here's my offering to Fulgrim.
Balls. Now, these aren't just balls.
These are juggling balls. And now he's got four arms, he could learn to juggle.
And he likes entertainment and delight, and surely he could juggle balls and people would marvel at his balls.
That is double. I enjoy that.
We could skip mine if you really don't want to share.
No, no, no, no.
We cannot.
Share it with the class if you think it's so funny.
Yeah.
So this is what Hal sent me.
Explain yourself Hal.
This is actually quite a good gift.
It's from like an Amazon recommended for you.
What is that?
It's a toilet piano.
I don't think there's any justification for this to be honest.
I just think Fulgrim needs to be entertained.
Honestly, get in the way for perfection and entertain him.
I don't know if Prime Arts even go to the loo to be honest, but you know.
Space Marines.
Do Beckwood Kings go could be on their help and you know.
I mean, moving on.
Moving on.
And now we've got Ed's gift for Fulgrim.
An interesting one.
X-Men Origins Wolverine.
Ed.
Yes.
So, so, OK.
I think this is quite nice actually.
I would do something nice for Fulgrim because I know the Empress Children community is very kind of enthusiastic about loyalist Fulgrim.
I'm sure we've all seen that.
And I generally think that's over exaggerated.
Like I read Palatide Phoenix.
He's still a dick.
But to be fair, it does have his greatest moment.
And in X-Men Origins Wolverine, you have this somewhat controversial depiction of Deadpool by Ryan Reynolds.
And he's a little bit of a dick.
However, there is the scene where he cuts all the bullets in the air in half.
And it is pretty cool.
And that is definitely Fulgrim's greatest moment in Warhammer 40K for me.
I've always thought that was just so cool when he basically gets sniped and he just cuts the bullet out of the air, which I always thought was badass.
So, yeah.
To be fair as well, the logo here, it's got three claws.
And it's the Red Legion. Very clever.
Smart.
I think the choice of making it not Logan, but X-Men Origins Wolverine is quite a clear choice of disgust from Ed there in some way, but also quite reminiscent.
It's just a reminder of Fulgrim, like you can be cool.
Look how cool you were here.
This was really nice.
Do this again.
And then you did that thing in the temple that we won't forgive you for.
It's bad.
Don't touch the pulsating phallic sword.
Why do we have to tell you this?
Anyway, moving on to Hurturala.
Sorry, brothers.
Going back to Colin, Lord of Iron, kind of a stern kind of an angry fella.
Looks like a tortoise, but with guns.
Colin picked the ultimate starter set of Leviathan.
He needs, again, I know this is like the second time in a row I'm saying it, he needs a goddamn hobby.
He needs to do something with himself that isn't more meat grinder because he's such a fucking man child.
I already tried Warhammer though.
I think if you try it from like a more detached perspective, maybe you'll have more fun as a game.
It's something constructive, he puts them together, he can paint them.
He'd open the box set though and he'd be like, where are the Iron Warriors parts?
Where are our miniatures?
And then he'd get angry because he's like, well, you know.
We'll see, it'll come, I'll give him metallic paint and darker paint and some yellow and black so we can make the Iron Warriors out of them.
I think in his head though, he'd already perceive the finished piece and he'd already know the full way into making the perfect Warhammer miniature.
Because he's already had it imprinted in his mind.
So it's almost like it's not something new for him.
So you're not wrong, but the only other option I could think of was to give him cyanide and say, please bite.
I feel less happy about my content.
Insert into one orifice or the other, it will do the job.
Please rid the galaxy of your presence.
You are deeply unpleasant.
I'm trying to help him with a little hobby gift, but you know, if he's going to fight it, then I'm not just, I'm not going to buy it.
Has everyone chosen nice gifts?
Because I've really missed the mark.
Some of mine are me.
I was about to say, some of mine are pretty diabolical.
I think that's relatively nice.
I mean, the moment of the angel exterminatus when he gets the little gift from Vulcan, that's a sweet little moment.
Well, I think I got him a nice gift.
I got, I would get a copy of a dwarf fortress.
He likes fortresses.
He likes tormenting people under his command.
It's a win win for Peter Turbo, surely.
And he kind of looks like a gigantic dwarf.
Oh my God, you're going to make Colin like him now.
Is it funny how he and the dwarves also hold crudges and they don't let them go?
Yeah, but with the dwarves do it, it's cool.
We're going to change your mind.
Purser Robbo is cool, man.
He is cool.
You see?
He is.
Honestly, reading his books though, I generally think he is, whenever he showed up in the books though, he's actually pretty, like I think he stands out in any book compared to any other character.
I think he does cool things.
And then he opens his mouth.
Yeah, I mean.
He was cool in the Fulgrim book where the, I don't remember the name of it, when they were on the Eldar world.
I liked him in that book.
Talon is actually genuinely quite good.
For an anthology.
Talon is cool for different reasons.
I like seeing the Iron Warriors get their shit rocked.
He didn't completely bludgeon Fulgrim when he was at an arms.
Well, speaking of getting one's shit rocked, Hal, explain yourself again.
Colin, don't drink.
Please don't drink.
Are these all toilet related?
No, I promise you not.
Now, there's actually a reason behind this.
Your promises mean nothing.
Colin, Talon and Eli especially will enjoy this one.
The reason that this is Pertorabo is because it's straight to the point, simplistic, it's not over complicated.
It's truly the perfect design.
There's nothing more that needs to be added to it.
And that's Pertorabo.
So check yourself.
I mean, if he wanted a toilet, that would be exactly what he wanted.
Well, leaving that travesty behind, Ed's pick for Pertorabo is Horrible Bosses on Blu-ray or DVD.
Oh my God.
Very good.
I've stuck with the DVD idea and I do think Pertorabo would appreciate this.
Certainly not a great relationship with his father.
His prime work is brutal, like he does get some really shit jobs.
And at the same time, The Siege of Terror is just an absolute nightmare.
And he kind of feels like he's very much the only sane person in the room.
So if he could, he would very much enjoy this movie.
But I also think, you know, maybe he'd try and, you know, the plot line of this movie is they try and kill each other's bosses.
And I think that he might he might try to figure that one out to someone else.
I don't know who he did exactly.
He'd swap with. But there's definitely something going on.
There's something an option for him there, I think.
That is better than my gift.
Well, before we move on to the objectively best Primark, should we read out some donations?
Oh, yes, we do have a excuse me.
Last last thing is, Ed, is it true abandoned to be kissing Abaddon be kissing his brothers on the lips?
How dare you? Wow.
Wow. I remember they remember this last time.
Yes, I actually will defend the lion in Abaddon more than more than most other people will rationally.
But I like the War Master of Chaos.
And yeah, poor Abaddon.
I think it's made fun of all time.
Maybe if he wants to die was I think the answer was yes, there wasn't a denial.
There was just a that's kind of I tell you what I tell you.
What's a funny thing, though, is like Gilliman actually because obviously once he got the armor of fate, his armor crafted by Belisarius cool.
He couldn't really take it off for a while.
There's a story where he has a conversation with Eldred all around to discuss how to take it off.
But before he can properly take it off for longer periods of time, of course, he can't like do like thumb prints very easily.
And even when he's in his arm, it's not very it's not very easy.
So he ends up kissing data slates for approval.
And I always thought it was an incredibly tender moment between man and data storage device.
When you've got gloves on and you're trying to use your phone and you're like, ah, God, it's cold.
I got to take the exact exactly.
You know, they're just like us guys.
They are just like us.
I've got those ones with like weird material so you can use your phone with gloves on.
They're pretty cool. I think I like stairs and the data storage devices and then they kind of back down.
I think if you. Sure.
Tied it. Thank you.
Bean for the five.
Bean. This is built.
Diffy, a chaos sorcerer tried to invade his mind and he really went.
No, that happened like three times.
Yes, it is weird that it happened again because I wasn't actually I was wondering that I was doing something on Titus in the original game.
There was like this background law for it for him that said that he did it like once before Space Marine One, which I assume you're referring to, Colin.
But I don't think that I don't think that was in the updated law for him.
So are they deleting that law or is that they just did mention it?
Does that actually tell as far as I'm aware, it's part of because I did a video on Titus before the release and people were annoyed to find out that he saved Leandro's life before the events of Space Marine One.
Yeah. When his prior captain died and Leandro's basically got the captain killed.
Yes, exactly.
And then Titus was like, actually, the chaos is cringe.
I'm unaffected.
And there is an interesting point about when you watch the animation, it says threat level absolute.
So it's like even the ultramarines are like, die well, brothers.
They don't expect them to survive.
And they obviously were like, free stern guards is pretty good.
We're going to put Titus in just because he won't die.
Yes, everything is basically the theme of my video.
So I'm glad we're on the same page.
Yeah, Leandro sucks.
Thanks, Bean.
Do you want to read this one as well, Colin?
Sure.
Okay.
Main event Virgil with the five euros.
Anybody getting you a hair transplant for Christmas, Colin?
Someone getting you a lampshade so you don't blind me every time I open the stream.
Thank you.
My word.
This is what I get for getting a haircut.
But this is forehead.
I could be right now.
We've got two bucks there.
Happy early holidays.
You got a few.
Thank you.
He's also said for another two.
Yeah.
What the fuck?
I'm here to I'm honestly I brought my a game to entertain tonight.
Okay.
People sit back if they're painting or do anything else.
So hopefully we'll see you guys later.
Yeah.
So I'm going to go to one more comment.
The next one is from a fan.
I think we've got one more comment.
So I don't know what it is, but I'm sure we might.
Spill.
Angry.
How do you have a king?
You want to tell us about.
There was a bit too many toilets in the first few, but I promise you,
I don't think there's any more.
He says that.
I agree.
Someone in the spectrum.
What WTF?
That is true.
But I didn't get it from a.
I stole that joke from something else, though.
The minion pizza one.
I've got the same.
The same.
Don't come in.
USA five bucks.
Thank you, brother.
How's been too much time.
Gooning to the.
And now he's got insane on stream.
Yeah.
Don't know what to add.
And I want to help buddy get together.
Bloody shit.
I'm I've really gone off the rails.
This is actually.
Crack.
Amazon.
Jesus Christ.
John Apocalypse for five pounds.
Watching the Armored Corps episode of Secret Level.
I'm like Keanu Reeves starring as Commander Firesight.
Make it happen, Amazon.
Interesting.
Who's next?
Is it Jagatai Khan?
I would do it, maybe.
I want them to remake Serenity, but with case.
That's what I want them to do.
Oh, interesting.
Serenity is good.
My mind is free.
OK.
So Jagatai Khan's next.
Colin.
I didn't really try.
I just got him horse food.
Not for him, I assume.
For his.
I mean, if he wants it, but it was with the assumption
it would be for a horse he owns.
But I'm not going to tell him what to do with it.
It's his gift.
Hey, only in private does he run on all fours, OK?
No one's looking.
He's doing it the web way.
I'm going to do a much nicer one.
OK, so I got a Jagatai motorbike.
Oh, that is cool.
I got this specifically.
A sports bike with a sidecar so that he can ride.
I can sit in the sidecar with a heavy bolter attached
and gun down orcs with him because he's my dad.
And I love him.
I wish Kane and Juergen had one of those.
Kane and Juergen need one of those.
They did have one.
They stole it from Orcs.
Oh, yeah.
So it was a real piece of crap, but they did have one.
God, they are good characters.
Kal is returning to normality this one.
OK, hear me out.
Assassin's Creed Black Flag.
OK, OK, this one, I feel like he would enjoy being a free spirit,
OK?
Assassin's Creed Black Flag is probably my favorite Assassin's
Creed because I think probably half of that is not playing it.
So because they got garbage, they got garbage off that.
But it's a pretty good game.
Free roaming.
I mean, it's not bikes or the grasslands,
but I mean, I sure he would enjoy it.
And it's a damn like if you play that back in the day
when it first came out, man, ship combat coated, honestly,
really fun game.
Fun fact, Assassin's Creed Black Flag
was the first game I got on release for the Xbox one.
So I got it on release night and I put this in and I went, oh,
this is good.
It's midnight.
I'm not going to sleep.
I'm at university.
It was great.
Mine was Rise, Son of Rome.
Game was fun.
I did have the day one copy of that as well.
I did enjoy it.
I know a lot of people like, oh, it's repetitive.
But I'm like, it was fun.
I liked it.
It was good.
Was it Boudicca who was the main antagonist?
Who invades Rome.
Well, that in Nero.
Yeah, that game wasn't very historically accurate,
but it was fun.
Yeah, they even made like, is it Fortune and Fire made
like the Rise, Son of Rome like armor suit
with like the different panel.
That was sweet.
Actually, yeah, they did it.
It did look really good.
It's a weird thing that that game's
bought like 10 years old now or something.
Yeah, it was an Xbox One launch title.
Damn, I'm feeling old.
Ed.
All right.
I just think he would really appreciate the franchise.
I imagine he would be one of those people that much
preferred it when it was just about street racing, obviously
compared to Warhammer 40K.
Fast and the Furious is a bit unrealistic.
But I do think that he would appreciate
the themes of family, of course.
We all remember the Khan's great pain, the devastation
to Urchagoras and the surrounding system.
And of course, he loves fast things very, very famously
entering the, you know, I think if anyone can enter
the stage of Alec Gehr, it's Dom Toretto, probably
the only other person.
And then Jagatar.
I said to Revue Lavida, family is everything.
And then he became his adoptive son.
Very nice.
So onto the funny wolf man, Colin.
It's a pretty good choice.
I think it's a reliable choice.
So yeah, I got my family gave me one of these once.
It was a whole bunch of like German beers.
And some of them were real good.
Some of them were bad.
The only slight edit I'd like to make to this
is I would make it like the Miad or whatever space wolves drink.
Because surely, right, like all the different tribes of Fenris,
like, you know, they have to have different ways
of making their mead.
I'm sure the space wolves bring some of that with them,
like, you know, different ways to spice up the space wolf mead.
So I figured, you know, I get like 24 different different kind
ways to make the Miad.
And there you go, Lehman.
Nice.
It's a pretty good gift, actually.
Damn.
You would like that.
Yeah.
I was actually proud of that one.
I thought that one was my magic.
It's shocking because it's the Primark I'd think you'd least
want to give a gift.
I like Lehman Russ.
I hate his kids, but I like Lehman.
Child-free Primarks, are we?
Well, for my choice as someone who is currently
going through a winter look, I would get Lehman a grooming kit.
So you got some cones.
You got some brushes.
Shaming.
Because funnily enough, as the wolf king,
only one without a beard for the most part.
Coincidence.
Oh, yeah.
I didn't.
I mean, he'll probably have a beard when he returns, though,
right?
Yeah.
Everyone's waiting for the knotted, like, massive beard.
Don't use that word with the space wolves.
Do you think they will do like old man, Odin, Russ?
They already did.
I think they did.
He is Old Man Russ by the end of his Primark.
He's already old.
Yeah, yeah.
They talk about it.
Because there's that guy who meets him, and he's like,
aren't you a Primark?
And he's like, shush, shut your mouth.
I actually think they did it the other way around,
because they'd already made Old Man Russ.
I think that's why they made Old Man Lion to match him.
Because it would have been weird having Old Man Russ
and Young Man Lion.
So I think they switched.
Old Man Lion, it's Old Man Lion.
Well, Lion's in like old Odin spirit.
But I guess Old Man Lion will be old in spirit
and in physicality.
But it would have been weird if they like suddenly reverted back.
Not if the Thousand Sons have gotten frozen.
Big old Heineken block of beard.
He's stuck in Nurgle's garden.
OK, OK.
He sees the beam of the emperor, hit the garden,
goes, what's that?
Don't worry about it.
It's right.
OK, OK.
I think my one, he actually would genuinely enjoy it.
Aww.
This is Sirstrum, I think, or Sirstruming.
Sirstruming.
You know the videos of people open this, not underwater.
And then they immediately start vomiting.
They start dying.
I think he would actually enjoy it.
Because it's a Scandinavian delicacy.
It's basically Fenris.
So I'm sure French already have it.
Just look at this mottled layer of water.
Who in their right mind, one, thought about making this?
And two, who puts it in their mouth?
Seriously.
What's the factory smell like?
That's what I want to know.
Does anyone know what the factory smell like?
I don't know.
It's like you go in, it's like Chernobyl.
They've all got the hazmat suits on.
Yeah, yeah.
It just loads with tissues up their nose.
Yeah.
I do wonder.
What's the point?
I do wonder how bad this smells in real life.
But I'm not willing.
Like, I'll immediately go.
I know I was the first one to immediately like, chuck up.
But I think he would.
I think he is as a Primark could,
he would actually enjoy it.
And he could do it and not gag immediately.
Whereas everyone else around him, even the other Space
Wars, would chunder.
So hopefully, I hope he enjoys it.
But my god, is like the worst gift ever for a normal person.
Yeah.
And Ed, you've chosen a phone.
Yes, I share Colin's enthusiasm for the Primark
and the Space Wars.
But the Space Wars themselves can be difficult.
And Leemon Russ has a problem in that sometimes his sons
don't answer his phone calls.
And the lion ends up accidentally destroying
many of his allies.
So I would give Leemon Russ a mobile phone
just so he could get the lion's text messages.
And the lion could be like, hey, can you not blow up that ship?
Leemon, I've got guys on that.
And then that would probably help out their relationship.
I still love, I can't remember his name off the top of my head,
the guy though, who goes like, yeah, I'll
fight the lion and Conrad Kurz in the same book and live.
Like, yeah, that guy's pretty badass, got to be honest.
And there's one that was prime.
No, it's the one, it's Unremitting Empire.
Fafnir, blood brother.
Fafnir, blood brother, that's the one, yes.
Yeah, lion's like, oh, we've got to do our challenge.
He's like, oh, pick one of your guys.
Like, no, it's me.
OK, whack.
Also his challenge is like, Gilliman is generally,
like Gilliman's relationship with Fafnir is so good.
Like he's like, Fafnir says like, Gilliman's like,
so why are you guys here?
Why are you on the crag?
And he's like, well, we can sense out to basically ascertain
whether the Loyalist Primarks are traitors,
and then we'll kill them.
And Gilliman goes, I mean, not to be rude,
but can you guys kill me?
And he just goes, I don't know.
We will try our best if we need to.
Yeah, which I really admire.
Let's not forget also Fafnir saves Gilliman
from the Night Haunter, which is good.
Until Vulcan comes and goes tackling Vulcan.
That's a very professional way to say,
I'm going to take your head off if I need to.
Like that was a very professional interaction.
Yeah.
Like a glare of his teeth when he smiles and gets in here.
I think moving on.
OK, in the space wars, the yearly FaceTime call
to Leman Ross, and he still won't answer.
My god.
Absolute ghost.
I just got to go.
Which one's next?
Moving on to Rogaldorn.
Colin Pict.
Abakman Fundercheese.
Oh my god, that's so on point.
Is a train.
I know.
I've really gone the hobby route this one for a lot of them,
I feel.
And I think he'd like trains.
I like trains.
I think he'd like trains.
It's building stuff.
I think it'd be a good gift.
I would like to build a model train set with Rogaldorn
is what I'm getting at.
I think I would like that very much.
I think he would like that.
It'd be a good time.
And then the bit where he's standing outside
and he's about to the siege of Derry standing outside
the palace, he's about to fight Fulgrim.
He stares and just goes, choo choo motherfucker,
and just runs at him.
Very in character.
I don't even know if he's a bad guy.
Come on, motherfuckers, come on.
Oh my god.
Well, in a similar, it's similar-ish,
but it's not quite the same.
But I'll just say, there's been a secret Santa in LEGO City.
LEGO creator, here's a castle.
You can build it.
It's the most easy goal.
This is what I initially thought it was going to be.
I'm boring, just like Rogaldorn.
Here's a castle made of LEGO, like everyone
would have ever said.
Like, what's his favorite color?
It'll be like bland, whatever bland could be.
What do you mean?
Yellow?
There's a lot of yellow.
It's yellow.
It's right there.
I think he would like-
The people are made of yellow.
You know, like the brown they have on old hearing aids?
If he could, like that would be his Legion's colors,
honestly.
I think the way you try and defend Perderaba
is how I'm going to start defending Dorn going forward.
I like Dorn.
I do like Dorn.
He represents the Siege of Terror.
I must admit, yeah, like the Siege of Terror
alone did a lot for Dorn's character, where it was like,
yeah, he's pretty based.
And also the fact that they basically revealed that he's
the weak point finder of the Primux.
He's like, if I fight anyone, I know what their weakness is.
That's my Primark ability.
Like, huh, that's pretty cool.
I'm sure Gilliman could have used that when he's fighting
Fulgur.
He's like, fuck, that's a lot of arms.
Whereas Dorn would just be like, there, right in the balls,
or something like that.
Anyway.
Say something, Ed.
Did you just say that, Ed?
Ed, did you have something to say?
Did we cut you off?
Oh, no.
No.
I just was enthusiastically agreeing with Andy.
OK.
I had to explain my way.
How?
OK.
How?
That's not a gif.
How?
Stop giggling and tell us what this means.
This is the mini-
The Primaro toilet was better than this.
Dorn does not always want to express his emotions in words.
So therefore, the manager had a picture shot
to say how he's feeling.
I don't think he has any emotions other than these ones.
I'm too old to know what this was.
I thought this was like a meme.
But no, that's a picture shot.
What's a picture shot?
It was, because the medium image is horrifying.
So he's either happy, broken, or terribly sad.
Like, he's just-
There's no other emotions Rogel Dorn has ever felt in his life.
I just want to put this back up again.
I'll stop.
Please.
You know, people don't ask him how he's feeling.
They ask him how he felt in Peter,
and he can point to the chart.
All right, that's enough from you, Hal.
Ed, can you save us?
Could you explain this is a Harry Potter character, correct?
Yes.
This is Gilroy Lockhart.
Gilroy Lockhart in Harry Potter is basically a fraud in the second-
Sorry, this is a complete spoiler,
so you've never seen Harry Potter in the second book.
But he does have a talent for like,
obliviate spells, basically deleting memories of people.
And Rogel Dorn, I suspect, not only will he need that in the future,
because he has a very-
He has a horrific experience in the Siege of Terror,
so he goes through arguing something worse than many of the primarchs have been through.
But he also needs to have some memories wiped.
So Rogel Dorn has actually asked before to have his memories wiped,
and Malkador basically tells him what those memories are about,
so presumably someone's going to have to take him out again.
And yes, I think he's probably going to be in desperate need of that in the future,
because after the Siege of Terror, in the Beast Rises series, for example,
the Imperial Fists, they don't like talking about Dorn,
because he's so broken.
He's just so broken after the Siege of Terror.
And yes, I think he could do with some sort of,
yeah, some sort of memory deletion spells, basically.
I'd say that character would piss him off to no end.
That guy is truly annoying.
Right, we've got a few more donos.
So set again for $2.
Steady Eddies, Pirate Adventure is a perfect gift.
Who for?
That was a good one.
Yeah, that was a good one.
Tom Warren, do you want to read this one?
How?
Oh, yeah. Hell yeah.
Rise of Rome mentioned.
It was actually pretty good.
Did you ever play Rise? How?
Back in the day, but I honestly like I played it once
and you never touch it again kind of thing.
Because it's multiplayer was kind of fun.
It was like a full load.
It was good.
Elephants in the middle of Rome was crazy, though.
With a boot on it.
Every faction would be significantly improved
if they each had their own version of Caiaphas Cain
and Jurgen.
Everyone needs a Jurgen.
I had to.
It was Caiaphas Cain and Jurgen.
Cain, Cain, Cain, Cain, Cain.
Because of their name conventions.
My favorite thing in one of the more recent novels
that I read is like they essentially other factions
realized another faction realized that Jurgen was a blank
and they actually tried to do an elaborate assassination
plot on him.
And then he ended up not going in the car with Caiaphas Cain.
So therefore, just Cain in the car being someone trying
to kill him.
He's like, why are they trying to kill me?
What did I do wrong?
It's like, actually, they're targeting stinky old Jurgen.
Donkeyman USA for five bucks, though.
Dorn driving corn insane through sheer autism
was probably the best part of the end of the dead.
He just repeated humanity's military history in his head
to stay sane, didn't he?
It was one of the things he did.
Yeah, sort of.
He kept drawing out
The Rolodex of events.
It's like, ah, the Battle of the Somme.
This is a good one.
Oh, Dorn, what's going on in your brain, man?
I mean, when corn's looking directly at you,
whatever you got to do to keep yourself going,
that's what it is for them.
And all power.
Ah, the Battle of Agincourt.
Ed has not heard of this mighty dono.
This is Commander's mighty schlong of Cygnus.
This guy has a great name.
I'd give Angron a win against one of the Loyalist Primarchs.
Wow.
Not possible.
Yeah, the challenge you have is that that win is a dead Primarch.
Whereas Angron takes the time out.
Well, he beat because Leemon was like, I'll give you this one.
I don't really want to hurt you.
That's not a win.
Barely beat Russ.
Didn't really beat Russ.
It's the whole point of the story.
The space walls around him would have obliterated him.
Yeah.
I never understand why people say he beat Russ.
Like literally, the following scene is Lohgar laughing
at the idea that anybody could believe Angron won that fight.
I know.
I think the penny drops for him, though.
And then he's a bit miffed after the conversation with Lohgar.
It's my favorite thing about the Warhammer community
is how we all become like our factions.
Like I am so much like the Dark Angels in my superiority complex.
And any world he's found is just like, I mean, a win's a win.
Don't give a shit.
Like a win's a win is what it is.
I mean, I can't argue with that, I guess.
I think my thousandth time's a podium.
I finished just like that.
Anyway, M1 Garand Ping from Galactic Stirbar for $2.00.
Fantastic.
Got to go fast.
Anyway.
That's like a $200 ping that comes with a free weapon.
Ping.
Most iconic ping ever.
Colin, we're going on to the Night Haunter.
I thought this was quite a brilliant answer
for the Night Haunter.
It's just schizophrenia medicine.
It was a fit.
I liked it.
That's it.
He needs help.
See, that's the gift he needs.
But if you had that in the Secret Center,
I think he would go mad.
I'm sure he would, which is why I'm giving him the medicine.
I think he'd love.
That's so funny.
Yeah.
Yeah, like, which personality is he more?
Is it Conrad Kurzy?
He's going to have a giggle.
He would perceive receiving that gift in a future apparition
and then immediately like, why did he randomly kill Colin?
We have no idea why.
Yeah, that's true.
That's true.
But he'd let me give the gift to him first, because otherwise
he'd be proven wrong.
Why is Colin on my walls?
All of them.
Because he spread me across them like paint.
He is a very lovely lampshade.
I got something that Kurz also needs,
because as explained in the books,
he's got very dirty hair.
So I got him some shampoo and conditioner.
That is a good gift.
We always hear about, oh, who's prettier, full grim or sanguineous.
But maybe if we spruced Kurz up a bit, got some moisturizer
for his face, maybe some under eye cream,
he might look nice, maybe filed down his teeth a little bit
so they weren't jagged.
He might have a glow up.
I'm just saying, maybe.
We don't know.
Maybe give him a really full meal too,
because I imagine he's pretty sickly under the armor.
Get him some vitamin D tablets.
Yeah, oh, yeah.
A sunless planet for a while.
Just some things here and there.
He might be a nicer person if people treated him well.
He needs some self-care as well as like,
A weekend on a beach somewhere.
Get it?
Colin does it.
Crazy.
Hal, you chose this.
Is this to put people in?
Yeah, that's people going in there.
There's only a few things the Night Haunter really likes.
One of them is like TVs and radios,
like a Fox Net, and the other thing is torture devices.
He wouldn't accept anything else,
so therefore I got him a greater.
There's no need to add anything more to that.
I think we all understand exactly what he would use it for.
No, no.
I mean, he'd actually like that gift though.
Yeah, we don't need to explain.
An arm is going in that.
That's what's happening.
If we're lucky.
But yes.
Is this the one you wanted to send me, Ed?
Yes, the second one, yeah.
The second one?
I only see the one.
Sorry, yeah, the emperor of mankind is my gift.
So all of the Primarchs, arguably,
could have done with spending more time with their dads
and helping with their various issues.
But likewise, I would generally defend the emperor of mankind,
just as I will the lion or Abaddon.
But I struggle with this one, because in the lions' pride,
and sorry, in Conrad Kurz's Primarch novel,
he creates an effigy of the emperor, which speaks to him
as if it is the emperor.
And it's up to you to decide whether you believe that it
really is, and I like to believe it is.
But one of the things that the emperor
says to Conrad Kurz that is somewhat ridiculous
is he says that if I could have met you one more time,
if I could have just met you one more time,
I could have cured Conrad Kurz's insanity.
And you can't help but read that.
They're like, well, why didn't you do that then?
It sounds like it would have been real easy.
I don't know.
Conrad Kurz ripped the throat out of Rode Gondor
or something during the Great Crusade.
So yes, just one more meeting with the emperor.
That's all I would have gifted to Conrad Kurz,
probably that one round trip to terror or something like that.
That's all that would have been required.
That's a very nice gift.
Just give him a weekend at Bernie's.
No, not weekend at Bernie's, because Kurz will absolutely
have the dead body to use for that.
Just a little weekend vacation.
Could you imagine how funny it would be to unleash Conrad
Kurz in Disneyland?
That would be amazing.
I think it would be funny for 1 second.
It would be funny.
It's like an experiment.
Well, let's cheer him up, and then you
see murals of Mickey Mouse made of skin,
and you're like, oh, this was a bad idea.
There'd be like, when the parade's going on,
you stay behind the metal bar.
Well, there'd be like a five-year-old who goes,
I want to see Mickey, and runs out,
and then he gets eviscerated by Kurz.
Like a whore.
Starts pretending to be Mickey Mouse.
Yeah.
Oh.
You just hear like a, oh my god, goofy, no.
Oh god.
Moving on to a very pretty Primarch.
Colin, you for Sanguinus are going
to gift Castlevania Symphony of the Night.
It's because, you know, vampire.
It's a damn good game.
I think he'd like it.
I mean, yeah.
He'd be like, hey, Alucard, that guy reminds me of me, I think.
You know, I think he'd like the game.
Also, the only other idea I had was kind of like the book
I gave to the lion, but anger management for dummies.
It's crazy that you gave him a game, but no PlayStation
to play with.
Well, that's because the PlayStation has no games.
No, you didn't give him the console, so he'll get angry,
and he'll maybe lose it.
Isn't this on the PlayStation Mini, I think?
The PlayStation Mini?
Yeah, I've got it over there.
I've never unboxed it, to be honest.
It's got like 20 games on it, but it's kind of.
That is a good gift.
For Sanguinus, I'd get him a mirror
so that he could look at his beautiful face whenever
he wanted to, because he's gorgeous.
Doesn't it make him uncomfortable?
He's supposed to be not very good at it.
Presumably, it would make him really comfortable, right?
Assuming his own ability affects himself.
There's a bit in one of the Siege of Terror books.
I can't remember which one.
I want to say Echoes of Eternity, where Sanguinus lands,
and they talk about how for the citizens of terror,
when you look at Sanguinus, you literally
get your greatest memory come into your head.
That's so you literally can't not like Sanguinus.
Yeah, it's impossible not to like him.
Because you're filled with the greatest feeling
you've ever had.
So presumably, every time Sanguinus looks in the mirror,
he just gets a self-esteem bump.
So maybe that's a genuinely very useful gift to him.
Because the thing is, have you ever seen that thing where.
He's also very depressed throughout the Horus heresy.
Have you ever seen that magic thing, though, where
if you put your hand over a flame,
but you tell the person to think of the first date they
went on with their wife or the day their kid was born,
they won't feel the heat.
And then you go like, recession.
They go, ah, and they instantly like feel
the burn of their hand.
And it's like that, but with Sanguinus.
Recession.
How?
What?
Could you explain this one?
Yes, I would give him.
This is Stormlight, right?
I would give him the bundle of Stormlight archive.
This is a good gift for a good boy.
Because first of all, the main character
of most of the books is the character Kaladin.
And that guy deals with expressio depressio.
And it deals with that quite well in the book.
I think he needs he needs like a thing
to like lift his spirits up.
So he would have the great Stormlight archive series
in which essentially the whole series is about dealing
with characters who are mentally ill,
but they are coping with it.
And I think he'd need that.
So I actually got I think this would be a good gift for Sanguinus
because he needs a coping mechanisms really.
This is probably.
Yes, this is my only normal.
This is one of my only normal gifts I have.
I have a good one later as well.
Well, Ed, you've chosen a Team Edward shirt.
Pretty self explanatory, really.
I definitely think he would be Team Edward over Team Jacob.
The blood angels definitely go a bit a bit vampirey at times.
And let's face it, Sanguinus, he has
the beautiful skin of a killer.
Yeah, not being funny, Jacob is not
escaping the PDF allegations as well.
So it's not exactly a hard choice in my opinion.
I've not even watched Twilight, but I've heard of the.
Oh, the allegations towards him.
Yeah, that's not true.
I've seen your bed.
Yeah.
All that merch on your bed.
Yeah.
Damn, boy.
Yeah, the next one.
On to.
I got mean.
Ferris Manus, Colin.
I'm just saying.
So maybe he had a helmet.
Maybe he had a helmet.
I won't protect his neck, though.
But it was a neck wound.
Yeah, well, it's sci fi.
Helmets can seal.
I just like the idea that he'll protect his head as it falls onto the floor
and rolls around.
Too late.
Look, hi, Dutch.
Look, I'm like a little bit more head protection.
It's come on.
It ain't hard.
You have helmets everywhere.
God, the amount of things in that sentence there.
I was trying so hard not to say that's what she said.
Mine's similar in vain, but it's not the same.
It's to do with the neck.
But here's the thing.
Right.
Before I say so, Medusa is quite a cold climate and it's a bit harsh.
So I'd get him a really large scarf.
Lenny Kravitz.
I think that's Lenny Kravitz?
I'll show you how big the.
Yeah, I believe so.
And now Fulgrim won't know where to cut on his neck because it's hidden.
Exactly.
And it's warm.
And it's protected.
It's a scarf.
That looks like it's a Primark scale scarf, too.
It's the meme scarf.
It's great.
Yeah.
And also, I don't think he has many, like, nice things because he's from Medusa, which
sucks.
So it'd be nice to like, Dawn has his grandpa's blankie.
Ferris gets a scarf.
Neck hole warm.
How?
When you use them as a bomb.
How?
Why?
Oh, yeah, I give him his actual head back.
But that's so mean.
I mean, that's the gift he really wants, isn't it?
Are you just going to like tape it back on or glue it or something?
I didn't think that far ahead.
Hell, I've got bad news.
When you put someone's head back on, they don't come back.
You can borrow the lights.
Unless they're C3PO.
But he would, of all things, how could you wear a scarf if you've got no neck?
Ferris Madison, you probably don't recognize me without the red arm.
He needs, oh, he also needs his arms back because they kind of got.
Stolen.
Yeah, that made me like, oh, hated that part.
Poor Iron Hand.
Ed, could you explain this one?
I figured where you guys would go, so I went a slightly different way.
But I think nonetheless, none of my performance.
I would get him like a poster to put in the wall of his office,
inspirational quote.
And I think he'd appreciate this one because the one bit of Ferris's story,
I never understood.
It's been a long time since I read Fulgrim.
But I'm pretty certain earlier in the book, he gets the shit kicked in by Fulgrim.
And yet he is still so confident he will beat Fulgrim in that fight.
And I'm like, nothing is meaningfully changed between these two scenes
to make you believe you can absolutely win this.
And even if the four legions hadn't turned on the three,
then the other three still ran ahead.
So he still would have died.
I don't really get where his mind is exactly.
I think in the book, they see the Isfahan betrayal part happen.
And then he and the forward Iron Hands basically go, well, we can't screw it.
We'll fuck it.
We'll have to go.
I'll kill Fulgrim if it's the least I do, essentially, I think.
Even Vulcan is like, this seems like a bad idea.
That's just running ahead.
And then Feros is like, no, I will fuck him up.
But yes, I think this was, yes, I don't see this ever ending well,
to be honest with you.
Yeah, poor dude.
We're over the hump.
It's nine down, nine to go.
So Colin, I'm a bit confused by this one.
You sent me two images.
Yes, put the first one up first, the brownie.
This is for Angraan.
Now, I read a story online where a guy made pot brownies.
But instead of putting in the recommended 0.1 grams per brownie,
he put in a full gram per brownie.
And then they watched Shrek the musical and thought they were going to die.
So I think my first gift to Angraan would be, he gets potentially two.
The first one would be a pot brownie loaded with as much weed
before it just stops being a brownie as I can possibly fit in it.
And try and calm him down.
And if that fails, Andy, I have the second gift.
Yeah.
In which case, I hand him a gun with one bullet
and tell him to finally die with his brothers like he wanted.
Damn, that's dark.
That's dark, man.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
Why is this video demonetized?
Ah!
It's not a graphic.
It's just a revolver.
Yeah.
Look, I like Angraan.
It's a piece of history.
He takes himself out in a video game.
Yeah, in Minecraft.
In Minecraft.
Yeah.
I like Angraan, but at a certain point.
You really are giving him way ones, though.
You are giving him way ones.
Yeah.
I mean, my option for Angraan is a lot more simple.
I give him a stress ball.
That's totally fair.
I went with a similar vein.
I think that's pretty like, I just
wondered if he would eat it because he'd be way too angry.
And he'd try and munch on it or something.
So it's a choking hazard at that point.
Poor guy.
All right, then, Hal, why I don't get this explained.
Colin will enjoy this one.
I thought Angraan, you know what, screw him.
I'm going to give him Yugoslavia.
Because there's nothing more frustrating
than possibly dealing with the Yugoslavian question.
So therefore, I would give Angraan back in the early 90s
to give him a big time.
You would put him back in time and put him
in charge of Yugoslavia.
Bear in mind, Hal, we could conceivably go out
and buy these things.
I don't think you have the authority to give Angraan
Yugoslavia in its entirety.
Let alone a part of land.
Yeah.
What, this is your country?
Nonsense.
You know what, I think there's nothing more hilarious
to push him even further.
The man wants to have a glorious end.
Why not give him something crazy and stressful
to make it worse for him?
And I give him Yugoslavia.
That's not a gift, that's just torment.
The gift is torment.
Are you hoping to overflow error his brain?
I don't know.
I just thought it'd be hilarious.
The Wang Primark couldn't handle it.
He gets so mad, he loops back around to being zen.
Never would you think Angraan in Yugoslavia
would be in one sentence.
No.
Angraan Slav, anyway.
Ed, bubbles.
We're like bubbles.
I figured all the other Primarks can give Angraan
their bubble wrap once they're done with it,
and they've opened their presence.
So yes, in the same vein as the rest of you, anything that
might.
Anything that might give him just a little bit of a break.
I thought about giving him a copy of Gladiator,
then that might, you know, sort of bring out more flashbacks.
Rubbing salt in your wings.
That might trigger something.
Look how cool this action is.
I'd have some more donations.
First one from main event Virgil for 10 euros.
Won't be here in extreme so forth.
I'd say have a Merry Christmas.
And this is the only stream I'm ever sad to miss.
Here's to one more year of sick jokes, bullying Colin,
and law crimes, of course.
See you.
Thank you, Virgil.
Thank you, brother.
Thank you so much.
It was a kind message, even with that Ed there.
Even with the bullying.
You want to get this one?
This Stormlight book is 62 hours of straight doping.
Yeah, that's it's long.
These are long books.
That's even great.
It's book five.
And it's also the end of the first act,
like as in storylines.
And each of the books is like usually between 45 to 50
or 62 hours long.
It's the massive books, but they're very good.
Zestra for five bucks there.
We should give Dawn an Xbox Series X,
because it looks like a brick.
But give all the games to put a rubber while they would.
They're probably not share.
Colin, Colin, you got to you got to do this one.
OK, I don't got his head back.
Why do you why do you hate Mr. Iron Hands from the Iron Hands
with his iron hands?
Also, I'm gay.
Every time he puts out the end.
As before, I support you in that endeavor.
I think at this point for once again informing us.
It should be like a jingle.
It's just like, oh, so I'm gay.
Just like a like a motif at the end.
Set for $1.99.
Colin, dot, dot, dot, dot, explode.
Cast Fireball.
And Xterra again.
We should give Groningen a lifetime gym membership
and enough protein to kill a rhinoceros.
How much protein kills a rhinoceros?
Damn.
We'll have to ask Eli.
He knows about protein.
Eli in the chat, please.
Who is the next primer then?
I thought you said he knows about rhinos.
I've never asked him.
Be honest.
Eli, if you're still in the chat, please let us know.
So the next Primark is Colin's favorite.
And funnily enough, this one is a fancy pen,
I believe you said, Colin.
It's not like the most high key gift,
but he's the bureaucracy guy.
He's surely signing a million documents a minute.
I figured, you know, give him a nice little pen.
He can use it every day.
Hopefully it'll write well.
You know, it's shiny gold.
Primark size?
You say that?
Yeah, I would.
It comes with the, I hope it would be Primark sized.
I'd get him a big one.
Well, here's the thing.
It would write well.
And I know this because this is a Scrivener pen.
And I have one in my hands.
But mine's a fountain pen.
And I can say it does write very well.
Fancy pen.
There we go.
That's a very tender gift.
That's a great suggestion, I think.
I would also bend over.
Oh.
That escalated.
Wow.
Damn.
The grace of Stardes.
We're just going to let that.
We're just going to let that simmer for a few seconds.
I thought I was being in the south pocket earlier on.
But my god.
So mine is like, again, kind of like a basic bitch answer.
I get him an accounting book.
I mean, I feel like Gilliam and Mark
now definitely appreciate this.
This is I think it D accounting book gives him the day.
Sorry about that.
Like he's a practical guy.
I will defend him and say that he's
got a goddamn personality, which and I think was the he is the he
is the funniest Primark.
I maintain this hands down.
I think he is legitimately the only one that consistently
makes jokes and is actually quite funny.
And every time everyone's so surprised by it,
that's how that's how you notice them.
Like that was like almost word for word.
I don't remember the book when he's
talking to Cato Succarici is like, yes, I told jokes.
Even after the siege was done, I could be funny sometimes.
Why do you all think this is so shocking?
And it's not just him.
He does it as well.
They would have these moments where they're like,
is that Primark, is he funny?
Yeah.
Well, there's even that exchange with what's his name?
Sensation Sergeant with the red helmet in the Battle of Kalf.
And you feel where he's having a bit of a remark.
And he's like, if this wasn't so terrible,
that would have been quite funny.
Yes, Primark.
Yeah, I can't laugh at that right now.
Everyone is dying.
He can be such a charming, funny guy.
He got a rogue trader comfortable enough
to call him Robo.
Like, come on.
He can be a funny guy.
He did give bombastic side eye, though, when that happened.
He did tell her, all right, now you're getting too comfortable.
But you need to look.
When he was called, he's like, no, that's too far.
I'm very proud of mine.
He would want a USB plug-in Pet Rock.
I think Dawn would like this more, surely.
Probably Dawn would like it, but it had to be a brick.
For Roboto Gilliman, there's something novel about he'd
have it on his desk as a paperweight.
And he likes the fact that he could also potentially
plug into something as well.
Do you think that's what he put the call
inferior, like little not AI thing call gave him?
He'd put it in the Pet Rock.
And then immediately throw it into a pond or something.
Get the shit out of there.
Yeah, I feel very confident giving him a Pet Plug-in Rock.
A real pet, I don't think he'd appreciate,
because I don't have any time to look after this.
A rock is something he can look after.
And the bolter shells aren't helping its calm.
You think dogs having a yap about fireworks is bad.
Wait until they hear a bolter shell.
It's worse.
The hand of dominion is probably a bit louder.
What you said there, Howard, just made me think that Gilliman,
he's like this master of the Imperium,
controls all these feats, but he would fail to keep
a Tamagotchi alive or something.
Hands just too busy.
Yes, I went with a classic for Gilliman.
So if you're not familiar, Gilliman actually
dreams in the heresy.
We see these parts where he dreams of being a farmer.
Like a simple humble life.
That's his dream job.
That's what he would want to do if he
didn't have to be a warrior.
He's not someone that particularly
enjoys warfare like his brothers.
So I would get him this, because it's his dream
to have his own little farm.
Again, just like with Howard, he can keep it in his office.
And he can just attend to it.
And I think he'd really enjoy that.
Do you remember the Shadow Crusade?
Gilliman Farm remembers.
And I want to pick you up with this question.
Do you think he would also like a Chia pet?
Yeah, maybe.
Yeah, the little things you grow the grass out of.
That would be so good.
Yeah.
I love the idea that he's got a bunch of them just in a drawer.
I guess to him, though, people don't.
And they'd be alphabetized.
You know that for sure.
To most of him, most humans are like vegetables to him,
because he's so smart.
So I'm sure he finds the relation.
Yeah, I have that as well.
It's not quite vegetables.
But we're at Mortarion of the Death Guard.
Colin?
Are we?
Spices are vegetable?
Do we?
14.
Oh, yeah, right.
I don't know.
I got confused.
Yeah, yeah, it's exactly for the reason you think.
You know, I mentioned the Primarchaura.
I think Ed, you look at Syngwineus,
and you just get your happiest memory.
Mortarion's Primarchaura is just you
smell like ass.
Stank.
And look, I'm-
It's like the whole of Terra at one point,
which is quite impressive.
That was like the first time he walked
to the pre-Siege of Terra meeting,
he made people in sealed armor start convulsing and vomiting.
Dude.
The only people who didn't throw up were Horus and Abaddon,
because they were literally being protected by chaos.
Like, just the equivalent of corns going, boop, boop, boop.
Yeah, it's like, dude, I'm going to level.
And even before that, he still kind of stunk.
So, you know, I'm going to be honest.
I think this is the most valued gift I could give him.
And without being too rude, I've been to some conventions.
I think some of the audience could potentially find some value-
They're playing Deathgarden without playing Deathgarden.
I must admit, as a comedian friend I know,
she said about, I've only ever had
one experience of Warhammer.
I went into one of their shops once,
and it was the only time I went in,
because there was an aroma I did not like in one particular corner.
And I was like, oh no.
The manager of my local GW has told me before,
he's had to tell people to leave for that reason.
Yeah.
It's as funny as-
Yeah, I don't go there anymore, though.
It's as funny as the convention chair.
The convention chair with the stain on it.
The infamous picture of the Warhammer.
Remember, folks, wash behind your ears and wash your bum.
Wash your ass.
Wash your teeth.
Wash your ass.
Anyway, mine's a similar vein.
I understand the need for some shower gel,
but I think you're going to need some deep cleaning,
so here's some lufus to go with it.
Just to really get that stank out of there,
because otherwise it's going to just glide off him.
I'd also like to add that when he's a demon friar,
you just need a fire hose.
The odorant's not going to cut it anymore.
Bruh.
Pressurized water.
Just a gigantic bidet, just like, scared it off him.
How?
I'm surprised at you with this one.
I'm not sure why.
Wait, do you get why I'm so excited?
I'm excited.
No, it's actually not.
Ozembic.
Because-
Explain.
Mortarion is a big boy currently.
He's a sneak-smelly moth boy.
It's water weight.
Yeah, it's mostly muscle, mate.
Give him a break.
Yeah, he needs to lose-
He's not chaotic.
He's just big boned.
Man stinks.
He clearly maybe needs exercise and all.
I don't know.
But I figured he needs a shortcut.
He needs something.
Does anyone here know what Ozembic is?
Yeah.
It's the one that all the celebrities are using to make
themselves lose weight.
So therefore, Mortarion, the big, smelly moth man he is,
he can definitely lose a few pounds
and maybe drop those wings, the orifices coming out with stuff.
I mean, I feel like deodorant, it just wouldn't work.
Whereas Ozembic, he maybe looks gone already,
but he could do more work.
I mean, I'm looking at this picture of him,
and it's the one where he's just kind of on a planet
before he got power armor.
He's looking really lanky and thin.
I don't think that one's accurate.
I think he's beef, honestly.
I mean, if you see some of the Death Guard models as well,
they chunk.
Well, yeah, they're fat and bloated.
Yeah, I've seen the Death Guard.
I think that's more about the gases trapped in their bodies
than fat, though.
I mean, it's more just inflating.
It's like, pop, oh, it stinks.
Like a great gift for them would be a massive toothbrush,
because they know they're going to escape the oil.
Yeah, they see a mouth guard.
Like the back scratcher, but just for your entire body.
But just remember, folks, you were here the day
that Hal body shamed Mortarion.
So Ed, this is actually quite a nice gift.
Garry Mettle.
Yes.
Like, there's quite a big thing in the Siege of Terror
and the Stats of the Heresy where it becomes very important
to Mortarion that he's like the first to land upon terror,
which is something that he does get in the end,
and the Forester's promise to Mortarion
that he can land first on terror,
and as can the Death Guard, it's a great honor.
And I just think that, yeah, I mean,
it's very important to him for some reason.
So I would just give him this medal
and be like, well done, Mortarion.
So what you're saying is you'd recreate that scene from,
is it the last Star Wars movie where it's like,
Chewie, this is for you, and it's the medal
from episode six he didn't get, and the music swells,
and he's like, brrrr, and it's like, Mortarion, what was that?
Oh, nothing, don't worry about it.
Ah, poor guy.
Yes, basically.
A hard life.
Mike, the Bretonni, and Greal, and I,
is going crazy on me.
He's asked, do my parents love me, bro?
Jesus Christ.
Speaking of children who have no love from their parents,
Magnus the Red.
Colin, interesting choice.
I got him the book, The Libra Chaotica,
which is a Warhammer fantasy book about a scholar who
wanders the realms of chaos themselves
and talks about both chaos undivided and all the gods.
Interestingly enough, he also goes to 40K for a bit,
because he got real lost.
With that in mind, I think this would be the best
gift you could give him.
So you could teach him why, hey, bud, calm down on the warp
shenanigans just a bit.
Yeah, I like how it's copyrighted on the top of the image
if you squint as well.
Yeah.
Chaos copyrighted by the chaos gods.
I think out of every gift, this is
the one that would give the most value to the recipient.
That is true.
I think he would value this.
Also, he shouldn't read it, but we know he will.
Because he should read it, because he needs to learn.
No, Magnus needs to stop.
He just needs to go to his cage and stop.
Ghosts you fly every time.
My present, because I don't like Magnus.
I'm trying to help him now, as much as I can.
While Colin is trying to help dog.
The little puppy.
While Colin's was quite a nice gift, mine's quite mean.
Got him a pirate outfit and a parrot,
because he's only got one eye.
Oh my god.
You're trying to scare Magnus with your dog, Colin.
Colin, oh.
Oh, he's so cute.
Oh, dog, dog, dog, dog.
Hold on, should we just like, let's end this charade.
We just need to put, let's just put.
I love you put yourself up.
Fuck that dog.
Say hi, Bucky.
He's a good boy.
He will leave and rest.
Good boy.
I'm going to bring him up after we're done with Magnus.
Oh.
OK.
Oh no, where did we all go?
Oh god, the dog crashed everything.
Bucky, what did you do?
That was my fault.
I have a temporary fifth member until we're done with Magnus.
I'm going to bring him up.
So Hal.
Octopus?
You see, there's a reason for this.
This is the octopus that people used in the World Cup
to see if it would predict the wins of the game.
And I think Magnus would enjoy this,
because it's so twisted in terms of fate.
You have to see that.
Which fate is it going to be?
And therefore, he would enjoy the novelty of an octopus
that could somewhat.
I think the octopus actually did really well,
if I remember correctly.
So therefore, the octopus could predict the future maybe,
and he would enjoy this.
I think this one may not be for the round, but you know, Hal.
You know what else would be quite funny?
Is it Kramer?
Who's that stockbroker guy that is always
wrong?
What's his name?
Oh, that Kramer.
Not that Kramer.
I went different Kramer.
Not the Seinfeld one that did something bad once.
Isn't there a thing where they made a bot that
does the opposite of what he said,
and it was not considerably year on year?
I think Magnus would enjoy that.
It also has tentacles.
Zege.
Oh, no.
We know you like tentacles, but no.
Ed, repeat gift this time.
Yes.
I didn't see any rules saying you can repeat gifts.
I mean, I think that him and Leman Russ, they could have
talked it out over the phone.
But I also think, to Colin's point,
might have solved a lot of the problems that
befell the Imperium of man.
So yes, a mobile phone for obvious reasons.
I'm not going to say what I've been.
I'm sorry.
I'm not going to say it would have been the golden timeline
if Magnus just picked up the phone,
because things had already gone pretty wrong by that point.
But it would have been better.
But am I remembering correctly that Magnus intentionally
prevented communications because he just wanted
his Legion to die anyway?
We'll see.
You're underestimating the broad coverage of EE
in the throughout the galaxy.
Magnus had 50 kg or 40 g.
Yes.
He might have been able to ring that up.
Yeah, Magnus died of 5G conspiracies.
Ed, I don't want to co-opt your gift,
but I think there's a way you can get around that, Andy,
which is just disable the no ringtone mode,
like setting on the phone, and just set it
to something really obnoxious so he has to pick up.
Because otherwise, it's just going
to be blaring the hamster dance across Prospero
for hours on end.
You get that Space Marine cover of Iron
Storm, and just, I'm so standing.
It's like, you're going to pick up the phone,
or you're never going to know quiet again.
Or like, set it to all eyes on you, or something like that.
Why don't you mind you were saying, I'll do the call.
It's a gun of magic.
It's like, look, Magnus, you can either pick up the phone,
or Megalovania is the only thing you're
going to be hearing for the next three hours.
Imagine that.
Space wars descending to Megalovania
when they hit the ground.
It was a small bit of luck.
I actually didn't recall this part, which was in the, oh,
the dog.
The dog.
Oh, my dog.
Bye, puppy.
It was in the dog.
A bit of Laura in the dog.
Dog has aura.
There's a part I missed on, it was the Council of Nikea,
is the part where the emperor says, at the end,
if you break the Council of Nikea, you will face my wrath.
And you're like, so, no, I was like,
why did Magnus do something?
Yeah, so he will like, you'll be destroyed, essentially,
implied.
So everyone's wondering, oh, why did Magnus call everyone?
Because he thinks the emperor literally said before,
I will destroy you if you break the edict.
He's like, well, there they come to destroy me.
Could you imagine if it was like, oh, dad says,
don't drive the car.
And the rule was, if you drive the car,
I will actually end you, not in a joke way, and just like,
dad, I took the Lambo out, just like, that's pretty harsh.
We've got some donations, though.
So Donkeyman USA, I'm working a power armored
skaven called Rat of Ninetales.
Oh, like a Rat King.
That'd be quite a cool idea.
Everyone knows the reference.
Caleb Collin for five bucks.
Merry Christmas.
Is anyone in Watchman's Charter?
Watchman, cannot read, damn.
Is anyone in Watchman's Charter actually on these nice list?
Malachir was the true and last greatest phoenix king.
Bro, that was written, that threw me off.
So greatest phoenix king.
The greatest teeth of phoenix.
His feats will be reborn in fire.
Well, wait, should we wait for a second?
Or we tell Colin about that one.
Zestra for five bucks.
I bet if we give Magnus a Tomagachi, oh, Tomagachi,
he would make the same face that the librarian did in Goof Troop
2, in brackets, can we replace Colin with his dog?
I'm afraid the Colin with the dog.
That would be hilarious.
We just need a camera just for the dog.
Just one episode.
It'll be bigger than all bars.
Just one episode if Colin can't make it.
Just put the camera in front of his dog.
And then just like, not address it the entire episode.
Exactly.
Get the still frame of when the dog was up close.
We get one of those cardboard cutouts made of you, Colin.
Oh, yeah.
Next to the bed.
Yeah, or just like an hour.
If you just get a looped recording of your dog, Colin,
that would be so funny.
We did.
We got one.
We saved for you, by the way, Colin.
One donation.
That was Harry Potter, the book that I keep.
That was very different.
Arcane read a book of specifically
a prophecy of the ever chosen of the guy who was going to.
Harry Potter, basically.
Of course I know him.
He's me.
Isn't there a thing that Hal would like,
where Magnus' archive literally has one of the Cthulhu books
in it, from the Cthulhu mythos.
It does have a lot of craft in it.
I think it is.
Is it the King in Yellow?
But it's not that.
Which I don't think it was related to what would be the King
in Yellow later by Dan Abnett.
But it's just like a reference to a King in Yellow style
character, which is interesting.
I mean, my favorite thing in the heresy, of course,
is they have to mispronounce everything
that's from our time.
So it's like, oh, yeah, I found the Gilemon
has books by Shakespeare.
OK.
OK, speaking of, well, basically going onto a heavy hitter now,
Horace Lupercal, 16 of 20.
Colin, great start.
Daddy issues.
I just looked up the first book that
came up when I typed in daddy issues book in Google.
So I guess he's also going to learn about love and hate
in the time of patriarchy.
Because you know what, Horace?
You've got a problem.
Horace is the patriarchy.
It is true.
God damn.
And also the bottom of that saying,
author of Tomorrow's Sex, did Fulgrum write this?
What?
What's going on?
And maybe if he really likes the book,
he can learn how to get laid.
My favorite part is the lowercase daddy.
There's a lot of art to this, guys, truly.
Yeah, he has to lend it out a lot to his brothers.
But it's a good gift.
What are we, daddy issues?
No.
Mine's a lot more kind, I suppose.
I got him a skull shaver.
We just need that.
Is he bald?
He's going to get stubble.
He has to like, he's.
He does get stubble, doesn't he?
You know, it does make me wonder, though,
is it really annoying having to like clean behind the pipes
on the back of like, Lucenturbo, Paterabo?
Oh, Paterabo would be a nightmare.
I'm going to cut your hair, sir.
Like, imagine if like, it's like some mold sets in,
and then you just, oh, it'd be awful.
Head smacking.
The primarchs have servants do it to them.
And I think it's like in the Ferris Manus one,
it says that they have servants who like shave their hair
and stuff like that.
There's like loads of them with like razors and stuff like that.
And he literally gets oiled down.
How the hell did you just type Colin?
OK, Colin, hear me out.
Colin has to hear me out on this one.
Because I think I don't want to be singled out.
Guys, hear me out.
This may be the most horrific one so far.
Horace needs like a Keemstar.
No, he doesn't.
OK, OK, hear me out.
No, no one.
How's been drinking off the YouTube drama slot for too long?
Horace has problems.
He trusts the wrong people, OK?
And he needs...
Are you going to give him Keemstar?
He needs people around him that are so obviously like
untrustworthy that maybe he picks up a bit more of a skill
like in not learning to it.
So therefore, my craft Keemstar needs to be in like a court
jester, needs to be around Horace at all times.
I don't even know what to say about that, to be honest.
I think Mike's man does a pretty good job, I would say.
Is that like a warp entity?
Like what is that?
What is it going to be?
Literally Keemstar.
Like imagine Malagurtha twisted as the egg for Horace.
But now it's Keemstar the egg for him.
Keemstar on top of Steve's body.
Let's go.
Hello and welcome to the news.
Horacey.
Horacey is like, I had enough of this guy.
How could anyone trust him?
And then he starts to distrust Erebus,
because Erebus will definitely get along with this guy.
So therefore, you know what?
This guy's got bad judgment.
I'm off the screen.
It's making me feel ill.
So Ed, bring us back to sanity.
So OK, this is a two-parter.
Yes, we do the first one first.
The second one first, that's all right.
So the second one, yes, if that's all right.
So this is a reference to the moment.
It was one of those moments in the book,
you're like, oh, Jesus, where in this Horace heresy,
when Horace regains his sanity and he regains his power,
as it were, after he plays his trick on the emperor,
it's said that Horace is so terrifying in his aspect.
But even like word bearers and chaos cultists
that are around him, they literally shit themselves,
as in literally, and then run away.
And I like the idea that the Loup of Kalkor
does just have like shit on the floor.
And so presumably, someone has to come in and mop this up.
Sanguinius and Horace are fighting, and he goes,
is that?
Don't worry about it, let's just fight.
That's the real reason Sanguinius
lost, because he tripped in a puddle of shit.
Exactly.
Despite to be the emperor of mankind here,
and this literal dog shit.
Oh my god.
And the second is a copy of the first Avengers film.
I couldn't help.
I really enjoyed the final confrontation
between the emperor and Horace, but this image
didn't come to my mind.
I couldn't help thinking of this when the emperor.
He really got it.
It was very fitting.
If you're not familiar, Horace is great.
Well, one of his great insults for the emperor
is that the emperor is basically a trickster.
He's a fraud.
And so it's quite funny.
He ends up falling for a trick in the end, in a way.
I guess Marvel movies were good.
Back in the old days.
I miss that enthusiasm.
Do you know what I mean?
I was so hyped.
Infinity War, part one.
Bro.
Oh, Lord, yeah.
I mean, I don't know if he liked that one, because he's like,
See, look, here's my thought process.
Monarchia burns down.
Not great.
I'm just going to find every holy book I can
and try and get them to find the one that clicks with them,
that isn't chaos.
Are you suggesting that Lorgar's going
to read The Good Samaritan and go, actually, that
might be a better idea.
We can hope.
Kindness.
We can hope.
Kindness, being nice.
Why didn't I think of this earlier?
I think if Lorgar learned how to turn the other cheek,
we'd have a much happier 40k setting.
True, true.
And now he's turning the wrong cheeks.
I've gone the opposite direction.
I get Lorgar this.
Is it?
It's easier to punish himself when he gets upset.
I don't know how.
I can't.
I mean, it's in the right colors as well, which is crazy.
Yeah.
I don't have to explain mine.
I honestly don't have to explain mine.
Yeah, I'm looking at it right now,
and I just need to make sure it's in a good scale.
It's quite menacing.
Before it comes up, can you guess what it is?
Is it a dildo?
No.
It's exactly what most of the chat
definitely is thinking about.
It's a child, isn't it?
No, no, no.
All right, all right, here we go.
What is the joke you're going for?
OK.
Wait for it.
Brace yourself.
Three, two, one.
OK, it's petrified Lenin.
It's a preserved body of Lenin, OK?
Because of all things, I think Lorgor appreciates, first of all,
the bald guys.
Secondly, I think he likes things that are just kind of
like relics in his own weird way.
And he would probably do make it something weird and chaos
tainted, but he would not.
I would give him the petrified corpse of Vladimir Lenin.
Colin, listen, Colin, someone comes up to you and said,
I'm going to give you a gift.
It's the petrified corpse of Lenin.
Is it yes or no?
And you have to give an answer.
Does this come with a caveat?
I'm going to be hunted down by the KGB?
Or do I just get it?
I just think it'd be funny, to be honest.
It'd be hilarious to give, perhaps, an atheist a two.
I must admit, whenever I see anything of Lenin,
I just think of that Simpsons bit where he's in there
and he just punches his way out and starts marching around.
What does he say when he's passed out?
I thought you guys disbanded.
Lenin or Aurelian, that's crazy.
Or Warren does, like, how you fundamentally
don't understand what anyone else ever thinks.
I was trying to think outside the box here, to be honest.
Speaking of historical figures, Ed went with Nietzsche.
Yes.
I'm being legal and kind of.
Yes.
Yeah, I think that's obvious reasoning here.
This is the limit of my understanding of philosophy.
But even I know the quote that God is dead.
And I feel like that would be quite funny.
I'll respond to that, I guess.
I'll piss him off.
Piss him off with it.
He's going to have a fight in the car park with Nietzsche.
All right, only three to go, lads.
Next is everyone's lovable, many people's favorite
Primark Vulcan.
Colin, you picked the barbecue.
Oh, it looks nice.
I think if his forging skills anything
to go by, this man can handle a grill.
And I would like to have some Vulcan barbecue.
Forging a damn meal.
And I know the salamanders still keep
in touch with their families.
So Vulcan barbecue, bring the family around.
Salamanders bring their former families around.
Vulcan can, I don't know when his dad died.
When did his adoptive father do anything?
Vulcan grills.
Yeah, Vulcan grills.
Vulcan.
Did anything specific happen to Vulcan's adoptive father?
That is genius hell.
But it came from me, so it's annoying.
I was just imagining him on Istvan 5
as the drop pods are coming to surround him.
And he's that mean, just like, I just want to grill.
I bet Vulcan would be happy if all he had to do in life
was forge and grill.
I think that would be a happy Vulcan.
Just imagine him putting the hammer in the forge.
And then he uses the flat side of it
to just put some burgers on.
And he goes, watch this.
And he flips it the other side.
That's a good gift.
For me, my gift to Vulcan would be a burpee.
Aw.
Get the burpee.
That is a cute Labrador.
It's a Labrador?
Yeah.
Oh, it's a cute dog.
Dogs in the chair.
We need to bring all on.
If you want two cute dogs in one stream,
we're so good to the dogs.
I need to bring my dog on.
She's a very cute dog at the moment.
I've actually not done.
This is actually a good gift here.
It's a great game.
I would give Vulcan the Witcher 3, the complete edition,
the Wild Hunt, all DLC.
This guy deserves something where
he has almost the perfect experience.
All my love to Vulcan.
Give him the Witcher 3.
Let him get the music pumping.
I want to see him get all the way to the end of each DLC.
Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da.
Get Blood and Wine going.
I think he would enjoy.
Vulcan's a nice dude.
I think he would enjoy being the Witcher
because he'd always take the kind of it.
He has an option to play the kinder way, if you know what I mean.
So I think he would enjoy it.
I would enjoy it.
Give me this game.
I went through the whole thing twice.
I really enjoyed Witcher 3.
It was a good game.
I also liked how you got Arendite,
and you carried it over.
If you maxed out the kills on it while it was fully charged,
it got more powerful.
So it scaled into New Game Plus and became
super overpowered, but it was useless against human enemies.
But it's like, yeah, pro tip.
Get Arendite and then make it redonkulous.
Ed.
I got him a link to a website for fundraising mums.
And it's entitled How to Run Treasure Hunts.
Because I love Vulcan, as we all do,
but he doesn't seem to understand
how treasure hunts work.
Which is really somewhat more calamitous.
In the story where they decide to destroy
all of these treasures of Vulcan except for the final nine?
Yeah.
He's like, each of these is so powerful
that a single one of them could turn
the tide of the Horus heresy.
And then one of them is like a flamethrower.
And it's like, OK, maybe not.
But anyway, supposedly some of them are.
One's like a gigantic ship, and then the other one's
like, it's a spear.
Yeah, this one's a really nice cloak.
But yes, so he doesn't seem to understand
how treasure hunts work.
He basically gives them the names.
So we have the names of the artifacts.
But we don't know where they are or that there's
any clues to any degree.
So yes, I think he needs to refresh, of course,
on how our treasure hunts should work.
Yeah, that's a very good gift.
It's very fair.
We're going to go to probably the most obvious gifts
for a certain primoc now.
We're moving on to Corvus Correx.
But I think we've added a nice bit of variety.
So Colin starts us off with a crows.
I'm going to get him a pet crows.
That's it.
You crows, John Snow.
That's a bitch one.
I'm pretty sure it's called a murder of crows.
That's fitting for a Primarch.
I'm pretty sure they can replicate human speech
a little bit.
I think he'd like the bird.
Just might be that meme of like is it a Liverpoolian crow?
What did you say?
All right, then.
What?
What did you say?
All right, wolf.
I bet he could teach it to talk too.
And the thing is, right, out of every like you're
in enemy territory, right?
Out of everything you're going to be wary of,
that's just a bird.
Like a bird looking over at you.
It's a bird.
Who cares?
But it's a Corvus train bird that can spy for them.
You could train a crow while he's
sitting outside Lorgar's palace so it can fly up to his chamber
and just go like, you're a little bitch.
Lorgar, you're a little bitch.
Yeah, wow.
Poop on his windowsill.
He's just trying his best to like concentrate and meditate
and just, ah, so annoying.
Yeah.
Bloody crows.
For me, I don't know what else to get.
Correct, so I got him a Hot Topic gift card.
Fair enough.
Yeah, that seems right up his alley.
Guard.
Yeah.
Does Hot Topic still exist?
Yeah, it does.
How?
For Raven Guard fans.
How?
I don't get this.
Please explain.
What?
Oh, I got him a voodoo sailor so that people
would finally notice him.
Oh, that's a stone cold man.
Savage, love it.
The poor guy, like, he could be in a room
and people would stop talking to him.
So therefore, he gets something where you can't ignore him.
And then all the Raven Guard also get a voodoo sailor.
So therefore, you can't.
Like, they are stealthy when they want to be.
But it's also, hey, if they're having a conversation
with someone and they're clearly losing them,
they're like, hey, they blow the horn quickly.
Did you be immediately print screen and copying me out?
Thanks, bro.
I still love that.
The Toby Longworth thing where it's a guy who used a modulator
and it's just like, Corvus Corax is so irrelevant.
They're so invisible that even the Black Library office
can't see him.
Like, oh, he's so good at stealth.
I think it's a great gift, though.
Honest.
I'm proud of that one.
That is good.
I like that.
All right, Ed, you've got, ooh, I know, Adam.
Yes, similar vein to you, Andy.
I'll be honest.
I would have got him a pair of Doc Martens because he
had to fit his style.
I did think something along the lines of,
like, I got Mortari in the number one medal.
But I thought about getting him something like number one
invisible or something like that.
Because if you're not familiar, in Warhammer 40k,
a lot of the extremely tall, massive guys
are very obsessed with stealth.
To be fair to Corvus Corax, he's the only one that's actually
genuinely good at it.
So yes, he's the only one where it actually makes sense.
He's a little bit cocky with it as well.
It's the one in his Primark novel where he purposely
keeps himself hidden.
And he pops up in front of one guy and goes, boo.
And then he's like, it's a case of the devil.
That is pretty funny, though.
Also, there's a bit in the Corvus anthology
where it mentions that an automatic scanner can pick him
up, which doesn't sound like a lot,
but you presume in the 30s and the millennium.
There's quite a lot of those.
The Night Lords just have no automatic scanners, apparently.
Well, there's that bit in the one with Khasati Nuon
where he just is fighting with the Raven Guard
as a defector from the Night Lords.
And then he just, at one point, Corvus
appears and kills the enemies they were fighting
and then disappears.
He goes, I shat myself.
Yeah, that's a Night Lord saying that.
And then there's also the bit where
I still love in one of the 40k books of the Raven Guard,
the Thousand Sons can see them when
they're using wraith slipping because they don't have souls.
And they're like, guys, they can see us.
This isn't good.
Just like that, like a nice little piece of lore
where it's like, oh, there are workarounds.
Just don't have a soul.
That's cool.
Easy.
Or have a VHS camera.
It's just a video recorder.
All right, last one, Alfarius Omegon,
Colin's favorite Primarch.
Colin.
See, now here's my reasoning.
As we know, everyone is an Alpha Legionnaire
and every Alpha Legionnaire is also Alfarius.
So you know what?
I'm giving this pair of assholes a video game
where they turn every single corner and, oh, look,
it's Majima.
Oh, that trash can, it's Majima.
Oh, that sewer, it's Majima.
Oh, that corner, Majima.
See how they like it.
When everyone, they turn around.
Every corner they go.
Police officer?
Majima.
They're getting a game.
They get to see what it's like.
Where everywhere you go, I am Alfarius.
I'm Majima.
I'm going to beat you.
I do love in that, though.
There's some really creative ones
where he comes out of the dustbin or under the sewer.
And there's this one where he's around a corner
and he just jumps out.
You're like, you ran out of ideas, guys.
He's just crouching.
Yeah, it's so silly.
Well, because Ed, you were the one who came up
with the idea for this episode.
But I was the first one.
Yeah, thanks for joining us.
But thank you.
This is the first one I thought of when we were thinking
about how we're going to do this.
So my gift to Alfarius Omegon would be a game of guess who.
Defensively, they all say I'm Alfarius on it.
Does he have an Alpha Legion tattoo?
No.
Does he look like Alfarius?
Yes.
And it seems to remove nobody.
Is his name Alfarius?
Wow, this is a really slow game.
Is he bald?
Yeah, he's like, oh.
And how you gave us.
Hear me out.
Todd Howard.
OK, OK.
Mr. Todd Howard always seems to, it's Skyrim,
but it's always Skyrim.
You know what I mean?
There's a Skyrim here.
There's this guy that is a new one.
16 times the DT.
Yeah, so they're full out for.
And if there's a picture I'd really
like you to put on screen now.
I just feel like with Todd Howard,
they would appreciate another person in the game,
if you know what I mean, of constantly being the same thing
and then presenting it as a new face.
Oh my god.
I would get the Todd Howard.
It's five, it's four times the size of.
We moved away from toilets.
Now we've gone to Todd Howard.
There we go.
This is great.
No fear.
Colin, would you be able to explain this to people
who are listening on audio only?
You see, it's a picture.
It's one of those, it analyzes someone's face
and shows what emotions.
Todd Howard is mostly neutral.
The second best is happy.
The others are anger, contempt, disgust, sadness,
and surprise.
It'll have a little bit of that in there.
But fear, 0%.
Todd Howard fears no man.
I fear no man.
But that thing scares me.
OK, and finishing off with Ed.
Ed, your gift would be the parents.
Yes, the parents.
I just imagine it would be their favorite film, specifically
the Lindsay Lohan version, of course.
But I also think, my thing with the Elf Legion
is I do feel like they need some of their own lore.
That's the problem that they have.
I mean, I don't think Elf Legion fans are telling on themselves
when they try and claim that Cypher is Elf Legion.
I'm like, get your own lore, guys, all right?
Your lore.
Get your own core characters.
Don't steal mine.
Like, Elf Ares is like big power, is that he's invisible.
And to clarify, not as in a way like Corvus Corax,
like a very useful way, he can just
make himself look like other people, which is just not as
good.
He steals other people's lore.
The Elf Legion warbands, they're basically
a copy of the Elf Legion warbands.
A copy of the Fulip.
And like, it's the Elf Legion need their own lore.
Right, that's my thing.
Yeah.
Lindsay Lohan, apparently.
I got to agree that it's a really lame superpower
that I can replicate by stealing someone's social security
number.
That's not.
Well, isn't it?
It explains the way he just alters people's perception
of him more.
So he's able to disguise himself,
not as in like he physically transforms,
more like how I don't think he can
fool like machinery, but he can fool the human mind
and other things like that.
I would like to reiterate that I can also
do that by just like password phishing scam enough people.
Yeah.
He's a wig.
He's basically just Agent 47 in space going, I am.
Where's the target?
I mean, I could still get him the toilet Yano thing
if they really want it.
I thought you were going to do that thing where
you have those two toilets in the same room.
Oh, they're facing.
I didn't think of that, but that's actually genius though.
I mean, I've gone from Todd Howard, Yugoslavia.
The pit, how do you do that?
Yugoslavia was a beak, I think.
A minion pizza.
Octopus to Lenin.
Gilliman Rock, Keemstar.
I mean, I've really covered a lot today, I feel.
I don't think I, I think the visceral reaction I felt
from the Keemstar image is mad.
You know how long I've gone in my life without seeing his face?
It's been a couple of years.
I hope he sees this beef between him and the logger-ups.
I mean, I must admit, if I was to describe Howl's picks
in one word, it would be brain rot, let's be honest.
It's like the minions, killer Keemstar.
I would say, I would say, I have never seen the word lobotomy
appear so many times in a chat before this.
Guinness World Record for most lobotomies
mentioned on podcasts.
I think there's a certain point in which the chat stopped
being, like they stopped doing compliments,
like quite a few months ago.
So, yeah.
Oh my God.
Light roast, light roasting.
But before we cap things off, we do have some final donations
to read up before we leave.
Caleb Collins for $2.
Thank you very much.
Just thank all no paying to turn pets into Chinese food.
OK.
I've not been keeping up with what horrendous things
Howl has been saying in the chat.
So we need to leave it at.
Howlcy Howl, what's that mean?
And yes, Donkeyman USA for $2 saying,
Howl, I'm going to give you a lobotomy speech.
It's starting to sound like a genuine threat.
No, no, they like it.
They're here.
Colin, we got a few about free from Caleb.
Free more words.
Howl deserves to become sashimi after the Keen Pick.
Correct.
Who wins early gotch or guts with a zirk?
Probably guts at that point.
It's guts.
I'm not reading that one.
Go fuck yourself.
Colin looks like the.
Do you want to read it, Howl?
Super aliens in the dang dan.
It's not it's not complimentary.
The last one from Tom Warren.
I don't think YouTube would like it
if I wrote that I would give the lying twins,
but it starts with pipe and rhymes with Guam.
OK, we understand.
We hope everyone enjoyed that, by the way,
as much as the roasts have been immediately visceral
and the threats of lobotomize means.
That's just how it goes.
We're here to entertain.
RIP, you guys are.
Thank you very much, Ed, for joining us today,
especially on a bit short notice.
Although, to be honest, whenever we asked,
someone was like, can you make it for tomorrow?
But yeah, we're a very well-run and efficient podcast.
Always on time as well.
And I can't remember if I've asked you.
So I will now officially add it to the list of people
I've asked.
You have a favorite COD zombies map?
Or not much of a COD guy?
I've only played it when I'm at mate's house.
So the only call I've really ever got into was Warzone,
was during the first lockdown, where my friends
were playing every day.
But yeah, I have played zombies, but only at mate's house.
I couldn't name the maps, I'm afraid.
Sorry.
That's all right.
I really thought that was going to go somewhere else.
No, that was it.
I've tried to ask everyone we have on that question,
just unrelated.
I'm sorry, mate.
That's all right.
I'm not going to be disappointed with a lack of playing zombies.
Now, some maps, if you did name some, I'd be very angry.
But we didn't go down that timeline.
We thank you guys so much for all the donations,
particularly throughout the episode.
Thank you guys so much.
We really appreciate it.
Obviously, it's not quite Christmas yet.
We do wish, for those who are probably maybe traveling
or not able to make the next weeks,
that we're all taking a break.
So Merry Christmas to you all who are possibly not available
to see us live or catch us for the Friday Hangout.
We do appreciate you and love you.
Again, thank you for Ed for joining us and bringing this.
I mean, I really went literally in the toilet for this one.
And I brought the wrong ideas.
I do like how Ed and Hal have a pretty serious tone of their
videos on their content.
Ed's had some decorum and then Hal's like,
check out this toilet, bro.
Yeah.
But that's why we love him.
I do this stuff all the time, bro.
So it's just going to go at least crazy.
Without being said though, thank you everyone so much
for watching and listening.
Really appreciate it.
If you want something for Christmas,
we have merchandise, merch.
There's actual merch.
Lord Grimes hoodies.
Actually, nice hoodies.
There's a wash.
But I have it.
It's there.
It's good.
You should get it.
It exists.
We actually pulled our finger out and did.
We actually did something.
You can get a huge amount of color options.
So do get ones, obviously, in nice colors.
Represent, be a criminal.
Have some Lord Grimes.
Be a criminal.
That's not a ridiculous way.
Come on, Hal.
You can do it.
I'm going to labor really good.
You do it.
With that being said, thank you guys so much.
And we'll catch you guys in the next one.
Peace.
Merry Christmas.
Bye, everyone.
Merry Christmas.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Come on, now that you have your finger on it,
you better get it on.
Kathy.
If you can get one, give it a shot, please.
I'm sorry?
I think I did it wrong.
You did it right.
That's the first time.
Good.
You