Hello ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Welcome to Fantasy Fireside with me, Andy,
and Colin, where we discuss bits of Warhammer fantasy lore. Colin, what are we talking about
today?
Today, we're talking about the big boys that love to eat, the ogres.
Yum yum. So, I think it's worth pointing out that this is probably going to be a bit shorter
than some of our previous episodes because I think it's fair to say they're fairly one
dimensional as far as factions go.
They're not the most narratively heavy of factions, ironically, but they're a good time.
It's kind of like some of the orcs. The orcs in 40k definitely have some heavier hidden
characters like a gaz skull, of course. The ogres have some characters with a decent
middle ore, but they're still all about fighting and winning, and you can usually probably
figure out what an orc character likes as a whole if you had to just guess randomly,
don't know nothing about them. Similar to the ogres, just replace fighting with eating.
Well, it's been one of the, I think it's actually been the most frequently requested episode
topic we could do. But before we get started with that in mind with the orcs and the ogres,
they're kind of similar on the surface. You say like one eats one fights. How do ogres
from Warhammer fantasy differ from maybe some other typical ogres in other fantasy settings?
Or are they more, if you know an ogre from one setting, you'll know what they're like
here?
Well, they're definitely not like Shrek. There are not many layers to these ogres.
There are layers of fat and muscle, but personality wise, maybe not that deep. There is not going
to be any epic rescuing the princess animated childhood movie here. They might just eat
the princess by the time they're done with it.
No heart of gold. It's just like, no heart flab, give me more food please. Yum yum.
There is not really a heart of gold underneath them. They're not like D&D alignments. They're
not pure chaotic evil. They've got some culture, they've got rules, they've got some
stuff like that. They're not completely savage.
That's a tasty looking human. I don't care if it's alive. Yum yum yum.
There are worse neighbors in the Warhammer settings, but there's definitely better neighbors.
If you'd like the TLDR, the most shortened version, just as a taste, if you will, of
what's coming. Take the ogren. I don't mean to shock you, but ogren. I wonder where the
inspiration for ogren came from.
Hold on. Wait, what? You're telling me there's a connection? No way.
It's crazy. You know how ogren are good boys. They just want to please the emperor.
Yeah, they're quite naive and wholesome in a strange way, despite being eight foot tall.
We'll make them about 30% wider, and they're not the emperor's nicest little boys.
Yeah, take the character creation and you go width all the way to one end and then just
like selfishness all the other way. What's the word? Decadence or even, what would the
word? Gluttonous, like gluttony. Max that out, done.
Although in the same way an ogren could probably rip apart a space marine if you convinced
him to, ogres could probably do the same thing, except there's no space marines and more hammer
fantasy to stop them. So pound for pound, they're a bit higher of a threat. So with
that, we start with the history of the big boys.
Now we talked about the old ones in fantasy a bit, how they were just creating races to
try and get the ultimate weapon against chaos, right? They're trying to nail it. Towards
the end, around after the time they made humanity, started getting a little bit desperate. So
it went from slow, controlled, measured experimentation as they make everyone to throw whatever you
got, throw everything in the kitchen sink at it.
We don't have time to give them like creativity and artistry and blah, blah, blah. Just hungry,
hungry, make that out the door, go, go, go mass produce.
Well actually, funny enough, you say that the initial prototype of the ogren, ogre,
I'm probably going to say ogren a couple of times on accident. The ogres was the halflings
of all races. It was a very rough prototype. You know how for the Primaris, Kahl has that
Frankenstein monster that is, I mean he's in constant pain, but ignoring that he's honestly
a bit better than pretty much every way that a Primaris.
Halflings were not that. They had two things going for them. They're about, they're as
smart as people and they're pretty, actually pretty damn resistant to chaos. They could
more or less juggle Warpstone if they wanted and probably come away from it fine. Whereas
if you or me touched it, I hope you don't mind that your arm is now a tentacle.
Because we haven't really talked about the halflings before on the fancy fireside. Could
you give us like a very brief like, okay, what makes them unique in the setting compared
to the other ones? Or is that a tall order?
Funny choice of words. Aside from like the being highly resistant to chaos things, take
halflings from like the hobbits from Lord of the Rings. But imagine they were designed
by someone who is incredibly racist against hobbits.
Oh no.
There's I think the fourth edition Warhammer fantasy role play. Because actually in that
game, halflings can be surprisingly deadly because they're pretty good with like ranged
weaponry. So you get a nice crossbow or even just a sling and by God, halflings can do
some damage.
Smaller targets, but if you're going to return fire like aim for him.
There was a passage like an elf talking about him because there's some stuff about how all
the races view each other. The elf was like, well, they're very nice. But I kept misplacing
my wallet, as it were. Oh, oh, no, they're the grubby little thieves. They're not they're
not great. They're not. If someone was really just picking it against hobbits is how you
get a halfling.
But is it because all the people who are heightists keep pushing them down? They're like, fine,
we'll get our own back. Or is it just they have just a proclivity to be like, well, we
can see their pockets at eye level. Might as well see what's in them.
I think it's a bit more of the second one. They're not super brave. There is I think
there's like one halfling mercenary company. They ride in a battle on big chickens.
Oh, that's very fabless. I like that.
Which it is actually pretty, pretty funny. And I like it a lot. But they're they're
they're very hungry. To the point that they were given a vote on who could become the
emperor of the Empire of Man, because they gave the current emperor a really goddamn
good feast. They invented pie and then had a civil war over pie.
Oh, amazing. I love that.
And in the county of in the province of Averland, it was only I think about 80 years prior to
modern warhammer fantasy where they finally outlawed hunting halflings for sport.
Oh, guys. Then the who was it then the last elector count of Averland? I don't think he
quite got the memo that it was outlawed. Oh, no.
They brought pies to warhammer fantasy. Why would you hunt them for sport? They've done
so much already.
I don't have an answer for you. Like I said, they were designed by someone who, like I
said, must have just really hated hobbits.
Again, I got nothing for that one. Just their designer must have just had a real grudge
against Tolkien.
Yeah, just I read Lord of the Rings once and I hated it. It's rubbish. Some Bombadil sucks.
Just having a hissy fit.
And yeah, so halfling hunting aside, always get a smile on my face whenever I read about
that. That was one more slight aside.
Any art of this? Just I imagine the idea of like a human holding one up by his leg upside
down. It's like a machete in the other hand.
There's not but without too much details about that, because I'm not 100% sure how the games
are going to go. They might have wanted to make like a little thing out of it. Another
Warhammer fella, you know, YouTube friend we've got. We were doing a Warhammer fantasy
roleplay campaign. I was a halfling named Borbo Frebo, meatball shaped. Nice. And the
first person I met, he looked at me and said, Colin, this man is from Haverland. And sure
enough, that man did not like me for being halfling.
But halflings aside, I did say they were a prototype. Sure enough, what was next for
the old ones after the halflings was the ogres. The ogres were for the most part an upgrade
on halflings in every way. The only downgrade was ogres are a bit dumber than the average
person. They're not full blown orc. They it's like, I wouldn't even say they're halfway
between like orc and human. They're not the smartest people around. Is there a similarity
between them and ogrens? They're not like the naive children sort of thing, but they
are just a bit like, where's the burgers? Probably a little bit smarter than an ogren.
I think the average ogre could definitely count to 10. Once he runs out of fingers,
we might have some problems. But a little bit smarter than an ogren. They're still,
it's definitely easier to trick an ogren than it is or an ogre than it is a person. But
they're just a little slow. Yeah, I want you to assault that castle. Why? It's like an
entire roast chicken in there. Really? There's like five of them. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, pretty
much. Of course, the flip side of that is if you're lying about the chicken in that
castle, they're big enough that you are now the chicken because you lied to them. I ate
all the guards, but I still want my chicken. Yeah. I do like the idea that they, in contrast
to halflings, it's like, oh, halflings get bullied all the time. You're not bullying
these guys. No. So a little bit dumber. And the other thing is the halflings have a massive
appetite. They could probably eat like three times as much as you or me need to eat in
the day. They're half as tall at halfling. The ogres are about twice as tall as us and
three to four times as wide. Yeah, double the height, four times the gut. Amazing. Yeah.
They eat a lot, a lot. But that being said, they're still resistant to chaos. They can
choose to fall to chaos, but if they don't choose, probably not going to fall. They're
just going to hit the guy. Can they eat chaos stuff and not get corrupted? Yes. They have
tried to make demon soup before with some limited success. Amazing corn soup. I'd love
that. Putting corn with the corn. Amazing. Yeah. They mostly hit the mark on the ogres.
Again, they're a bulldozer in combat. If ever you go to an ogre's party, don't get the chaos
surprise, whatever you do. No, they're resistant to chaos. So they can have the corn soup all
day long. You will probably mutate on the spot. They're having a great meal. You have
the soup and eyes start forming on your forehead. You're like, is there cinch in this? I'm allergic
to cinch. Oh no, my doctor said to let my zeech in. Oh no, I'm feeling horny all the
time. No. Yeah. For the ogres though, again, great stuff. Again, they're massive, so you
can't threaten them. They're not like the elves and dwarves where it takes them five
million years to have a single kid. So one loss in combat isn't the tragedy of a generation.
In spite of being a little bit slower, they can use magic. So they're not so stupid that
they can't. And they're ambitious, so they're willing to get out there. And they're not
so set in their ways like the elves and the dwarves. They seem like the old ones and always
nailed it. They just didn't have time to finish it. They wanted to curb the appetite just
a bit. Big guy's still going to eat more, but let's tone it down. And the area they
were gifted, which was right above China, the ogres are kind of fantasy Mongolia, wasn't
quite finished. The environment wasn't quite ready to suit the ogres and be fully like
permanently sustainable for them. So let me guess they ate everything and ran out of food
and went, right, we're going to expand. Pretty much. And it was never finished because, you
know, as we know, chaos comes into the world. Old ones piss off. Elves and lizard men's
are taking care of the problem. Dwarf God marches right into hell. And yeah, now we
have chaos, lovely. Ogres for their part at this point, give the old ones their credit.
Their homeland did sustain them for a decent while. I don't believe exact dates were given
for how long, but a good amount of time. Like the ogres will live there for at least a couple
hundred years, bare minimum. Is there like a name for where they live? They have where
they live now. It's called the mountains of Morn. I don't quite know what the equivalent
of where they live is, is the problem. Just think of the great famine of Morn. It's just
like, how long did it last? Oh, we had food for like a couple of years. Then we started
like breeding. I'm pretty sure I can try to find a map of it because if I'm remembering
correctly, I believe I can send you a picture. Because it's right above, it was where they
were initially, it was like Warhammer fantasy's, the regional equivalent of Mongolia, which
would have been north of Warhammer fantasy, China naturally. So that is the borders of
the great bastion of Cathay, where beyond is where I presume the old homeland of the ogres
was. Now it's all chaos-y. Yeah, it's not looking great. Not much greenery. But initially,
yeah, initially it wasn't too chaos-y because again, the ogres were still there. And every
time, you know, Khorne decided to try his luck, demons would find out that they can
in fact be eaten. So that wasn't, for now they were good. But like I said, after a long
enough time, the environment wasn't built to sustain them like it was for, you know,
the elves and the dwarves. So they ran out of food as more and more ogres kept being
born. They ate everything. First, they wander on down to Cathay because it's right there.
And they learned more or less the height of the technological advancements they would
reach, fire and the wheel. So they can cook their food now. That's good. They can pull
it around in carts more effectively. That's good. I did have a question because you said
they use magic. Is most of their magic just like heat pot quicker, cook food quicker?
That's what I want. Season this. We'll get to their magic. It's great. But yeah, they
went down to Cathay and that was where they discovered for the first time, damn, people
taste good. So they started eating people. Oh, no. Naturally, for a quick side tangent
in into Cathay, they're led by the dragon emperor who even more than Sigmar, probably
the closest thing fantasy has to Big E is just Big D, Big Dragon. Big D energy. Yeah.
Pissing him off by eating all of his followers went about as well as you would expect for
someone who's closest equivalent is the god emperor. Yeah. So but he had a bit more of
a I'll give I'll give the dragon emperor this. He had a bit more of a creative streak, I
would say, because instead of just killing them all, he dropped a comment on their homeland,
wow, which killed two thirds of them got rid of all the remaining food and then drove them
out of Cathay. Oh, ones that were left. I must admit, I like the idea of the stragglers
being kicked out of Cathay. Any familiar with that? That meme of that Australian guy just
like, what is the charge for enjoying a Chinese meal? Yeah, it was a person. No, the meal
was the people. Yeah. Yeah. So that meteor, too, must have been alive because it burrowed
to the molten core of the planet, which by God, how hard did he pull it down from the
heavens? And I'll send you a picture again of what it looks like. It's called the Great
Ma. Yeah. That's where the ogre homeland used to be. Oh, it's the sarlacc pit monster. What's
going on here? Yeah. So that, pardon me, then their homeland would be a little bit west
of Cathay, a little bit west, a little bit north, a little bit all over the place. Yes,
the sarlacc pit. So yeah, he dropped a sarlacc pit on them, except the sarlacc pit is the
size of like Texas. Oh, well, that's big. Wow. Which I, yeah, I get no exact figures given
beyond it is a big hole in the ground with teeth that burps. Amazing. So that's fun.
And it, this had the secondary side effect of cursing them to be even hungrier, which
they could already probably eat a cow over the course of half a day. Now they can never,
ever be full for more than like a couple moments at a time. Oh no. And this is after the old
ones were like, we're going to like just temper that a little bit. And that's, that still
led to them eating most of the resources of where they're from. I believe in society.
Oh, you've doomed us all. Yeah. That was, yeah, that was like after the initial creation
before the old ones could fully pull them back from the hunger train. Now they're cursed
to be hungrier. The hunger games, if you will. I've got a question though. Yeah. Do ogres
eat each other or do they draw the line there? Oh yeah. Oh, fair enough. In fact, I was about
to say, they have no food left because a meteor just hit what was left of their whole blood
after they ate most of it. They were driven out of Cathay. So people's off the menu again.
All they got is each other, which turned into, you calling it a civil war, right? That's,
that's a bit too complicated. There was no like ideology here or anything like that.
It was just survival of the fittest. And so they just started eating each other. A civil
gnaw, if you will. Cause they were gnawing on each other's bones. Yeah. So, like survival
of the fittest, prior to this, you know, there might have been, you know, some ogres that,
you know, they might've looked a bit different, you know, they, like, you know, they all would
have been big, but maybe they weren't, you know, the big fatty fat fat to quote Scout
from Team Fortress 2. Yeah. Now after they all had to eat each other to survive, the
end result was the, the only way they saw it to live was eat, eat, eat everything, including
each other because natural selection, only the strongest ogre has got to get out of this,
which on the one hand kind of shifted them that much closer to being the evil side of
things. But you know, for what they got out of it is that every ogre left is now like
nine feet tall, covered in fat and muscle and shooting them at a cannonball is probably
just going to tickle. Yeah. Survival of the fittest, if you will. Survival of the fittest,
I like that one. That one's good. Yeah. So not great. And with that, Cathay's blocked
by natural barriers, partially including the new big mouth. So time to go west. At one
point there was an ogre named Groth One Finger. I'm going to make some assumptions about how
many digits he had. He led his tribe to the site of the impact. They saw the big mouth
and they now worship it as a deity. Oh. Now that no matter where ogres are born in the
world, they try and make a pilgrimage to at least once in their lives. And what little
artistic skill they have, they'll adorn like their armor and tents and stuff and images
of the great maw, which is it's just a big mouth, like with teeth all around it. It's
not complicated. Nothing in the ogres is complicated. I mean, I suppose if they're eating each
other, they've probably got loads of bones lying around they can use to make like approximations
of teeth and stuff. Yeah. And since, you know, they do worship it, they throw food in it.
They also feed it. Oh, so they're like, even though I'm starving, I've got to feed the
mouth first. Interesting. It's yeah, they, uh, it'll, it'll if they're completely starving,
they probably won't, you know, give all of their food to them. Right. Yeah. But they're
gonna they're gonna they're gonna make sure the maw gets his gets its eating. I must say
the was the guy's name something one finger. Groth one finger. I wonder if he ate his remaining
fingers and then he was like, I need one. Is that maybe that's how he got his name. He
might have or maybe someone else ate them. Who knows? Or maybe he bit them off and chucked
them into the into the mouth and was like, I give you these but I need one so I can still
point at things. Yeah. In exchange, now they have the first of their two lures of magic
they can cast the lore of the maw. Oh, it lets them cast fist. What they Well, they
cast the spell and then a big magical fist comes from the sky and punches down. Oh, and
if you're under the fist, you'd you kind of get Tom and Jerry. Oh, okay. I thought if
it was mouth magic, it would be more like a big, big chomping mouth. A fist. Okay. Fair
enough. I believe if you're remembering from Total War, one of the spells is like a big
rock mouth that comes out of the ground. So that's also an option. That's cool. Yeah.
You know, other stuff like that, like it's all about eating and stuff. So they can it
gives them a little bit of regeneration. It gives them a little bit of resistance against
missiles, let's have hit harder because you got to kill the thing. Well, you don't need
to kill it to eat it. You got to disable the enemy to eat them. You have to subdue it.
You have to subdue it. You don't need to necessarily kill it. And in fact, just done it for a few
seconds so you can get your mouth around. Once it stopped moving. Yeah, once it stopped
mostly moving, it's time to eat. But with that, we've we're going forward a bit more.
So there the ogres are one of if not the first races to go across all the borders like of
the land the old ones gave them, like the dwarfs stayed in their mountains. The elves
for a while stayed on Othuan. Where exactly humanity's original home is never quite discussed,
be it Cathay, Nehacara, or, you know, like the barbarian tribes in the old world. But
you could also just imagine, you know, they they plopped humans down in a couple different
places, right? Yeah. So ogres, I believe, were the first ones to explicitly like we're
moving off where the old ones gave us. Not that they really know much about the old ones.
It's not good enough. It's time to go. So they go west again to through the mountains
of Morn, which is where most of them live now. And like, let's go like 60 to 70 percent
of them live. They're pretty, they're pretty nomadic, but we're the biggest concentration
of ogres is here. They found in these mountains of Morn things that were pretty damn big.
A lot of meat on those, you know, beasties. Of course, those beasts are big enough they
can eat them back. So once again, it's time for another survival of the fittest round,
further toughening the ogres up. You got to be real big if you want to survive here. So
once again, a little bit less ogres, but the ones who are remain are real damn tough. I
must admit the guys who are like the strongest must be watching whatever like a basilisk
or whatever eating their their kin and being like battening them up a bit. He's going to
taste even better now. Pretty much. Probably. Yeah. And eventually they they reached the
top of these these peaks and noticed that the climate changed a bit. It got a bit more
temperate. There are these nice rolling hills with these massive herds of mammoths and other
great creatures followed, which were tended to by another experimental race of the old
ones, the Sky Titans, who do not get much love in Warhammer. And they're going to get
even less love shortly. Because the ogres for this part are going to cosplay as skaven.
OK. Sky Titans were these really big, educated, brilliant, magical beings. The older ones
made they were they were like super giants. They you know, they lived on like these cloud
fortresses and only really went to the bottom when it was time to tend the herd. And they
were they were real cool people. Are they like humanoid or are they kind of weird looking?
They were pretty humanoid. I can was we get to the the end of this little conflict. I
can send you what they look like now. OK, it's rather less dignified. But early on,
they're pretty human, human looking. They're noble, educated. You know, they walk up right.
No slouch. No, nothing like that. Uh, people, the ogre started eating their cattle, which
upset them. Yeah, it upset them. The cattle were very big. So sometimes the cattle would
fight back and usually took all of an ogre tribe to take the, you know, a single mammoth
on. I must admit, but that's a whole lot of meat you get from that mammoth. I'm envisioning
Skyrim at this point where you get in the first area near White Horn, you see the big
mammoths and the giants are like, oh, no, clubs. And then you get hit by one and you
join the Tamriel space program. Exactly. Yeah. Which is about how it happened. Sky Titans
not happy you're screwing with the mammoths. So they fight a war against the ogres to get
rid of this annoying pest, which again, is a running theme. Sky Titans did kill most
of the ogres in what is called the war in the sky, which is actually which is a pretty
cool name. But even with their further reduced numbers, still like a hundred to one, if not
more against the sky Titans. Okay. And they tended to live alone. So how it would usually
go is a sky Titan killed a whole lot of ogres. They would catch him and then eat him quite
frequently alive until most of them were eaten. They were actually like pretty chill with
the old ones themselves too, because they were just, they were real cool. They would
be a protagonist faction if the ogres didn't waltz through and eat them. Same old story.
You're promised a promise you go you're really promising. You're going to get a good job.
You've got a degree and you're eaten by ogres too soon. Yeah. And the end result was there
was two paths left for Eddie. The last of the sky Titans were so big that they're kind
of like orcs only without the fighting. They just get bigger and their skin more like stone
like and tougher as they age. Okay. They again, I have no idea what exactly happened here.
They set sail on fortresses built on top of clouds. Where they went, did they survive
this journey? God only knows. That plot point doesn't really come back. I'm just imagining
them on clouds in space. Like how are they doing this? I don't know, but it's kind of
funny looking. Yeah. Waltzing in the void on a big, big puffy cloud.
Some of them might have also just become one with the mountains because they just got so
big and covered in stone that you couldn't tell. And the last few, they devolved a little
bit and then a little bit of inbreeding happened and then a little bit more and then a little
bit more devolving. And then they turned into the modern giants of Warhammer fantasy who
are significantly smaller, significantly dumber, still about 50 feet tall and can pretty easily
beat you to death. Yeah, definitely looks like a Skyrim giant quite a lot. Compared to what
they were, pretty tragic fate. Yeah. Nowadays, they mostly just follow beastmen, greenskin
and chaos. If they're bribed with booze and the promise of a fight. Quite sad. The alcoholic
faction. Brilliant. More so than the dwarves. So with that, the ogres have once again eaten
everything here and kept going. They climbed the peaks of the giants once again and now
we're properly all throughout the mountains of Morn now. Like the, it's one of the big
mountain ranges between the old world and Cathay. They started interacting with more
races more. For example, first off, they found more animals than they could ever, ever hope
to imagine. They finally found a place that can sustain them permanently-ish. Permanently-ish.
They found dwarves, which is nice. The dwarves keep trying to mine out the mountains of Morn
every now and again, which means they're going to the ogres' home, which means the ogres
have a door dash. I was gonna say, a tasty morsel. Look at this thing. Kind of gritty.
Yum yum. You know, there were greenskins there too, because this is a warhammer setting.
If you look hard enough, you're going to find an orc. Humans also scattered every now and
then. And of course the skaven, which they also ate. And in fact, if I say something
alive, just going forward, they eat it. Do they have any adverse effects of eating skaven?
Nope. Oh, they seem like a good counter then. Just like chuck a bunch of ogres in, they'll
sort it out. That's a pretty reliable solution and we're going to get kind of something like
that soon. They kept some, at one point, they captured some goblins to keep as pets, which
they bred and ate, of course. And after a couple generations of this, they created a
new subspecies of greenskin called knobblars, which are a mix of like sous chef, pack mule,
and emergency snack for the ogres. There was another race that once lived in the mountains
of Mourn called dragon ogres. They're not ogres, they're not dragons, but they're called
dragon ogres. They're chaotic little fellas that the ogres beat up and drove them out.
Sometimes beastmen show up in the mountains of Mourn, you know, because you know, beastmen
like greenskins are everywhere. Ogres also eat those and drive them out. There's a lot
of them winning, because when you're an ogre, nothing's really bigger than you. And this
is still, again, you know, and Warhammer fantasy is still like medieval Renaissance times.
Guns aren't that good yet. And to be fair, the bigger the target, the more of a buffet
you get after you've done the fighting. So like, who cares? So if one ogre isn't enough,
it probably means more ogres are coming because that's a lot of meat. And with, you know,
with them kind of claiming the mountains of Mourn, they started getting a bit more like
fixed positions. Like, it's not just pure nomadic stuff now. They're still, you know,
they wander around a lot, but the leaders of their tribes called tyrants, they're a
bit more permanent now. If you leave for a year and come back, you can assume the same
ogre will still be in charge of that area, or at least his tribe will still be there
in case, you know, a challenge or a threat killed him, right? Which again, more of these
invasions including demons and stuff, because everyone likes to, at some point, everyone
is just going to wander here for one reason or another, and the ogres are going to eat
them.
It's free food.
Yeah. In fact, I think if I remember correctly, the skaven attempting to invade the ogres
almost led to their extinction, because the ogres found a way into their tunnels.
Ah, that's amazing.
And then they realized there's a whole lot of meat down there.
So just to clarify, the skaven almost went extinct, not the ogres.
No, the ogres did not almost go extinct. It was the rats.
Oh good. So I was going to say, that's pretty funny that like the faction known as like,
they'll just take over everything and cause everyone problems. And the ogres are just
like, big talk, lunch, you know, run.
Yeah, pretty much. They got into the Under Empire and then realized there's a whole lot
of rats.
Yeah. Or you can eat, if you will. And they can eat everything.
They can eat a whole lot. And it's fitting, you know, they finally settled down slowly,
but surely they started realizing diplomacy. Maybe not a bad idea, right?
For example, let's say some ogres, you know, set up shop around your area, right?
You know, and you know, it's medieval times. You're a small farming village, right?
They could, and depending on their mood, will eat your whole town, right? Like nothing is
going to stop them. But they started realizing a couple things. One, just, you know, making
demands of them, like say, hey, every, you know, every month, give us X amount of cows
means that you keep getting meat. It's not just a one time binge.
In the first ogre speaking like, fellas, I found something out today.
What?
My food makes more food.
What?
Yeah. My food can make more food. So I get infinite food. What's infinite mean? Don't
worry about it. Food, more food.
Big, more food, more food. Yeah. That was about that. Yeah. It's about that.
And this ended up with the side effect of the ogres discovering the concept of a protection
racket because when towns would come to, you know, let's say, you know, some orcs or beastmen
invade the town, right? Well, those are all made out of food. Yeah. So the ogres keep
the town safe, get to eat whatever tried to invade the town, and then the town keeps giving
them food for protecting them. Yeah. So slowly but surely the orcs, the ogres are discovering
the wonder of this kind of work, which is just great.
And not being funny, if the orcs attack the grain mill, they can't eat the grain mill,
but they can eat the grain. So they might as well protect the grain mill. So more grain
means more food and they can kill the orcs and eat the orcs. It's a win-win.
Yeah. It's like slowly by proxy educating the ogres because they're not going to farm.
I don't believe they really farm, but they're smart enough to know that someone who does
farm makes food. So if you keep them safe, you get more food. And they can't fight the
orcs like we can, so we'll just do it instead. And if one of my brothers dies, I'll eat my
brother who's died. I eat no matter what. I'm eating no matter what.
Yeah, it's great. So we're kind of getting to modern ogres. They're everywhere. Like
I said, most of them are in the mountains of Mourn, but most isn't like, you know, 90%.
I guess at least 60, 70% are in the mountains of Mourn. A lot of them are still nomadic,
go all over the place. They'll come back to the mountain, you know, the great ma at least
once if they can help it, you know, the ogre religious pilgrimage. But they're everywhere.
They're like orcs. If you look hard enough, you're going to find an ogre eventually, probably
eating an orc. They're a little over the place. There is one more thing before I talk about
a little bit about the characters, because some of the cultural stuff they've got from
them is related to some of the characters. So I figure I'll talk about them as we come
to it. But one of the last things they did is there's a big old volcano in the mountains
of Mourn. This is how you get a fire belly ogre. There's a big process, you know, there's
a lot of rites that go into becoming an ogre fire belly, right? The end result is you become
a what is it? Like a law, you can cast the law of fire, right? Okay. The part of the
way of doing this includes them drinking the lava. If I remember correctly, there's also
they have to drink down something called devil pepper, devil pepper curry. Wow. Which is
burns their gut and ogre gut and you better believe that they can eat spicy food for most
of them does not mean much to them. And I believe it's also noted this curry is also
useful for ending sieges. So do it. Why not? Assume it tastes and smells like whatever
whatever that image brings to mind. I'm just imagining the horrendous heartburn you get
from trying even the ogres eating that. Oh, I got heartburn. Oh, yeah. They got a they
got to catch a fire beetle, which is like the size of a horse. And then yeah, and then
they drink the lava. And if if you live, well, if you don't live, you know what happens.
You burn to death and lava. Seared seared food for your brothers to eat. It's fine.
It's fine. But if if if the volcano God blesses you, now you can cast fire spells and you're
even a little bit pretty resistant to fire. Yeah, I'll bet. From the inside out. Yeah,
I I to my knowledge, there's a there's no particular lore about how they discovered
this. So I just have to assume it was a bet. And then the end result was holy shit, this
guy can breathe fire now. We got to get in on that. Well, again, if their character trait
is literally I'm so hungry, I'm starving. Screw it. I'll try eating the lava. What's
the worst that can happen? Oh, it's actually quite good. What? Yeah, watch this. He's using
fire. That's amazing. Let me try. Oh, I'm dying. Oh, oh, well, doesn't work all the
time. Trial and error. No. So with that, we'll get to some of their characters because the
characters, like I said, unlike a lot of Warhammer fantasy characters, they're not that old because
ogres they're not you know, they're not like elves and dwarves where they're more or less
functionally immortal. They're pretty new. Ish. So the first one is Grease's Gold Tooth.
Would you like his full name, Andy? Yes, please. Trade Lord Grease's Tribe Stealer Drake Crush
Horde Master Gold Tooth the shockingly obese. I love that the shockingly obese. Does he
like that title? I assume so. Oh, yeah, he gave it to it himself. Oh, brilliant. And
like in in Total War, he'll say it like he's the he's the fattest of them all. He's like
being fat. He's so fat that he is carried around by a carpet of noblars. Those poor
guys. Yeah. And here's here's an image of him. Oh, that's amazing. Who made his trousers?
They're huge. I someone who's probably not getting paid enough shoes as well. Whoever
his tailor is doing a lot of work. Wow. Yeah. Also, at one point, I'm assuming for technical
reasons they weren't able to fully recreate the noblar carpet for Total War Hammer. So
instead, he has an ogre Stone Age Walmart mobility scooter. Oh, wow. He drifts around
on like it's the fast and the furious. That's amazing. And at one point, there was a bug
that could get him to 999 speed. It's a zoo. Oh, my. Retreat. Yeah. The ogre flash. He
he however, despite be despite being that you can see him, you can look at him, you
have eyes. He was he was pretty smart. Smart enough to do you know, more beyond just being
content with beating things to death and then eating them. So what he did his his his story
begins after killing and eating his dad. Oh, wow. Okay. Whose name is GOFG. golf. I think
Okay, go go. Yeah, go go. Yeah. And now he's he's the tyrant of that tribe. And good old
Greece has decided he didn't want to just be the boss of his tribe. The gold tooth tribe,
he wanted to be the boss of all the ogres. Now, he was in a very particularly advantage
and advantageous place. He was situated right near the ivory road, which is also known as
the Silk Road, because sometimes Jay James was just not trying. It's just the Silk Road,
the real life Silk Road. It's that which his predecessor, you know, his dad, use that to,
you know, caravans would come through, they would raid and then eat the caravans and then
steal all their stuff. Grisus, however, he's a bit smarter, like I said. And like I like I was saying
before, with new ogres realizing you defend the town, you get money. Grisus has ruined the world
forever because he has discovered the concept of a toll booth. Oh, no. And sure enough, if a
Cathayan caravan or one going Cathay comes through, they get an option. Pay me a little bit of cargo
from your thing and you can go on your merry way, right? You know, give me some of your food, give
me some of the gold. Go on through, buddy. They'll even make sure to give you a little
bit of protection if you want. You know, pay a little bit extra. You can take some of the ogres
with you to keep you safe, right? Well, if you don't pay, you get eaten. Yeah. So you better
believe most people take this toll. I'm just imagining him doing the troll song from Always
Sunny with Danny. You gotta pay the ogre toll to get to see the moor hole. You gotta pay the toll
to get in or I'll eat you. Yeah, he will eat you. Although also we remind me of RuneScape. I think
it's the ogres in RuneScape. They have a naming convention where you're named after the first
thing you try to eat and one of them is called Dad. That's brilliant. Yeah, he had quite the start.
He actually too, he's good friends with one of the, I'll just call him Dragon Primarchs to help
it a bit, of Cathay named Xiaoming who they bonded over some daddy issues. Xiaoming is a,
he likes to experiment, which isn't illegal like it is in the Imperium, but one of the things he
likes to experiment with is Warpstone. Oh, well not so. So he might, you know, there might be
some voices in his head that aren't his. Oh no. Which has made him a bit of an outcast,
at least in his dad's eye. He doesn't hate him. This isn't like, as far as I know, there's no,
you know, Lost Legion stuff about to happen to Xiaoming, even, you know, ignoring even End Time
stuff. I don't think there's ever been any indication that he's going to get Leman Rust,
or I guess in this case Yuan Boad, but a bit of an outcast. So him and Grisus, you know, come to
terms. They bond a bit. They're actually good friends. And that helps the toll thing come about
a bit more smoothly when one of the leading figures of Cathay is like, let's try this toll
thing out. I just like the idea that whenever he meets him, he has like some confectionary,
he has like a whole like caravan of sweets and stuff. And he's like, Grisus, my man,
brought you some stuff. He's like, oh, thanks, mate. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. And they bond over a meal.
He, Grisus made a joke about how Xiaoming should just eat his dad like he did. And Xiaoming just
said like, I don't think anyone's got a gut big enough to eat that guy. I've thought about it.
I don't think it's possible. Just great little interaction. Some other of Grisus's biggest hits
on his way to becoming, you know, the number one ogre power, like the closest they have to a faction
leader, is there was a tribe that refused to, you know, to join him. So he buried them alive by
causing an avalanche, which he did by throwing boulders at them and yelling so loud it caused
an avalanche. That's awesome. Which is just great. Come spring, he approaches another tribe
to challenge the tyrant there to a guts out pit fight. And the guts out thing is important. We'll
get to that. But it means you're not protecting your gut, the most sacred part of an ogre body.
Right. This is to the death. The way he won is the other tyrant was a lot bigger and stronger,
right? Grisus is fatter. So he let the other tyrant, Grisus was the gentleman, he let the
other tyrant get down on the pit first, right? And then Grisus's belly flopped onto him.
And broke his neck.
I was wondering what you're gonna say. And then he suffocated him with his belly.
That works too. Pretty much. Some of the ogres present weren't happy. They didn't count this as
a legit win, right? And then he beat and ate three of them in a row. And then people stopped
complaining. So, uh, then he's like eating the first piece. It's like, that was just the appetizer.
And they're like, ah, it's okay. It's fine. Like you said, they're kind of one dimensional,
but it's a really good dimension. Yeah. It's like, if you've got one joke, but it's a really good,
you know, it's a really good bit. By God, keep it going. And there's like an eccentricity and
novelty about just a faction that their whole culture and identity revolves around. Like eating,
like being fat. And I like anything that makes me bigger or can give me more food. And every
decision I make is about procuring, uh, what's the calories and possibly cholesterol. That's,
that's the way to go. Fair enough. Yeah. Uh, there's actually a funny event, which I don't
know how they got the inspiration for this, but in total warhammer, one of their mechanics is having
meat, right? Like if you don't have enough meat, the ogres aren't happy. They're worse in combat
because there's no food. You find a valley of colorful horses and it's just like so perfect
and lovely. And there are, there's unicorns and it's a my little pony reference. And then the ogres
and then the event, there's no choice in this event. Uh, but the end text of the event is
something along the lines of a great feast was had by all. You gain like 15 meat. Amazing.
I don't know. There's another event. I don't know any of the names of the my little pony characters,
but I'm just imagining they go like, no, they're eating so and so. 15 meat. That's pretty much.
Uh, there's another event where one of them invents ketchup and you have an option to either use it
or not use it because that's not made out of meat. That's made out of vegetable. Is there a
clad notice if you choose to use it? Is there like a D buff or they're just like, no, that's fine.
I think if you don't use it, nothing happens. And if you do use it, like there's like an upside and
a downside. It's been a while since I've played an ogre campaign. So I don't quite remember,
but they, you can invent ketchup. I feel like they like mayonnaise, which is just great because
mayonnaise has eggs in it and that's, that's animal products. They might like mayonnaise.
Yeah. That's like the super condiment. Like, yes, this is the best thing ever.
You should, uh, you know, if you ever in warhammer fantasy, you know, float the idea around,
although if you're wrong, they're going to eat you. Yeah. Uh, and, uh, the one, the, the one last few
things about Greece is that that big ol' sceptery has, uh, well, he doesn't really, he uses it like
a club because of course he does grants him the strength of a giant. So he's already an ogre.
He can hit like an ogre. Well, now he hits like a sky Titan and that magic crown, uh, enhances his,
you know, he's already pretty smart. This brings them up to almost people levels of smart. Wow.
Uh, it was actually commissioned by him, uh, by the best magic users and blacksmiths the empire had,
which isn't a side is actually, I, I just find pretty cool that there's a magic relic like this
that isn't made by, you know, elves or dwarfs or something. The empire did this. Do we know why
they did this? They're just like, I guess they won't eat us if we make this crown.
Probably that. And like I said, it was commissioned like ogres out of everything you can give them.
They're probably not going to scam you. Like he did generally, he paid them. Yeah. I guess they're
honestly going to eat you alive. They're not going to lie about it. No, no, not at all. Uh,
the next ogre character. So I can talk a little bit about that whole gut thing is brag the gutsman.
Ooh. Uh, he was, you know, nothing super interesting at him, but he did find out from a young age,
he was real good at killing things and he, uh, he seemed to be really good at finding like the
best place to kill something. Right. Okay. Uh, so like he knows where to swing for the weak points.
He is, it's like an inbuilt sense on whether, you know, the video game weak weak spot. So he's the
ogres version of the lion. Kind of. Uh, but aside from that, wasn't, wasn't super interesting until
he forged his weapon, the great gut gouger from the magical axis of a black orc, which, uh, made
him real good at killing. Uh, but what made him real infamous amongst the ogres is that he realized
with it, with that weapon, he can cut around the, the gut plates, the ogres all wear, because most
the ogres, ogres, they don't have much armor except around their gut. They like to keep that
gut safe. Yeah. Bragg realized I can cut around that and disembowel them because, which horrifies
all the other ogres, uh, like guts are sacred to them. Everything, everything about them is food.
The stomach is where the food goes, right? You know, intestines, stomach, this sacred body part.
Well, uh, not only does he, you know, go for the closest thing the ogres have to a taboo when he
fights, the ogres have a lot of guts, right? Yeah. Well, when you rip their guts out, it is a very
long process as all of those guts spill out, pretty much irreversible because they're stone age people
and it's agonizing because your guts are unraveling. Yeah. So he would, he became almost
immediately once he figured this one out, uh, social outcast, which he didn't care about, uh, kind of
like the lion. He didn't really care what people thought of him. Uh, so he just became like a one
man murder machine, uh, and we're just kind of, he's just nomadic. Uh, it, everyone likes having him
around at first because he's real good at killing, right? But they don't like when he stays around
because if at one point he's hated also, so someone's going to probably challenge him,
he rips their guts out and then he gets kicked out, which he doesn't care about because then he
just repeats this process all over the place. And he doesn't have a following. He's just like on
his own most of the time. Is that the idea? No, he'll just like, he would, he'll just show up for,
you know, to another ogre tribe hanging out for a bit, gets kicked out, rinse and repeat. Okay. Uh,
he wears an executioner's hood because he's, he's, he, he's aware people view him as an executioner.
So it was like, well, I'm going to play it up. I can't beat him. Might as well join them. Yeah.
Play it up. Yep. Uh, and he can never become a tyrant because his reputation is so shit that
even if he kills the old one, no one's going to follow him. At least he's like, oh, this is my
thing. I'll, I'll just do this. I'll be the executioner guy. I've got my own look. It's fine.
I'm unique. Yep. Uh, the next, the, uh, so that's, that's a bit rough. Uh, next one is Scrag the
Slaughterer who's yeah, the name says most of it. He's Greg. He slaughters. Next. Uh, with,
with some meat hooks, he has a giant cooking pot attached to his back that he grabs around.
And as he fights, he throws people into it. To be fair, that's, that's quite an ingenious solution.
Like I don't want to fight or eat. Why not do both at the same time? I can cook and kill
simultaneously. I'm a genius. Um, he's got some specially trained noblers in service directly to
him, which incidentally means they outrank a lot of the ogres. Uh, and whatever, whatever, when he
just tosses back and he misses something, they, they just grab it and dunk it in, which is great.
Like a basketball, like just like, uh, dunk it's in the pot. Uh, he, he was the head slaughtermaster
of his tribe, which is just a lovely nerve tear, you know, a lovely term to call your head cook.
What, uh, what ended up having, and the reason he has those chains attached to him is because
he cooked his tyrants favorite noblar and then served it to him where the tyrant hacked off
Scrag's hands, had the pot chained to his body, and then threw him in some tunnels. Um, his Scrag's
response was to jam his cooking tools into his stumps. Uh, just go wandering. He found this thing
called gorgers, which are ogres that have been starved long enough to go a bit feral. Okay. And
after he killed enough of them and threw him in his pot, the gorger started following him as if
he was the leader of a tribe almost. Okay. Uh, him and his new gorger followers set upon this, uh,
this random tribe they stumbled upon, uh, ate them all. Uh, and when they did that, his wounds
all magically healed except for his missing hands. And, uh, now he's tribeless except for all the,
you know, the, uh, the gorgers that follow him around. And he's,
he's like Bragg where he just wanders around, but he's got a better reputation. Okay. Uh, he's happy,
he's welcomed by all because not only is he can cast the fist magic, uh, but he's also real good
at fighting and he cooks mid battle. Yeah. And he's real good at cooking, you know, let's, let's
give him his due. And I guess he's taboo, but he's not that taboo. He's not like, oh, I'm like,
yeah, attacking what's sacred to, uh, to their way of life with the guy. He's just like, I made a
mistake. I cooked the, the dude for my leader. Look, but check out, look at my whisk hands.
They're pretty cool. I'll make some salt. Yeah. He was more of like, you know, he did a social faux
pas, but now he's more than made up for it. So every time he showed up, he's like, yeah, I'm happy
to see you. Yeah. Uh, there was a one, one, two more I wanted to talk about. One of them named,
uh, shrewd Folk, I believe. Uh, let me make sure I'm getting the name of that right. Yeah. Shrewd
Folk. Uh, the only thing he would did, and this is why I mentioned the ogres can be a definitely
bit evil is he would sell some of his tribe to rat ogres or to the Skaven. So they could turn them
into rat ogres. Okay. Uh, rat ogres are those big Skaven things or they like, have I seen these before?
Uh, I can send you an image of them. They're not, despite their name, they're not necessarily ogres.
Okay. Like ogre and like originality. These ones were, but not necessarily. He had him, he had his
tribesmen turned into that. Yeah. I, I, I was thinking like, oh, did they just like cut the
head off a Skaven, put it on the like next stump of like an ogre and be like, Hey, it's a rat ogre.
Sorted. There's a, there's as with most Skaven inventions, there's a hundred and one ways to get
to the end result of that. All of them Horin. Yeah. And, uh, the last two are related. I cannot say
the name of this first one. I will send you his name and you will immediately know why I cannot
say this name. So we're going to call them Golg. Okay. Uh, that is his name. We, oh, okay. We cannot
say part of that name because we'll get demonetized. Yeah. So, uh, Golg Maneater. Okay. Uh, he is the
other like ogre character that I was saving part of their culture for because what it is, is his
name. Golg Maneater. He's a mercenary. One point he was one of the first ogres to realize that,
hang on a minute, mercenary work means I get paid. I get paid in food. I can go all over the world
and I can eat whatever I kill. So he, uh, he, he started, he's known a pretty good life. Uh,
pardon me. I don't believe you, not one of the first, pardon me. I was a skip nerd, jump the gun
a bit on that one, but he's one of the most successful to the point that he's been able to
to the point that all ogre pretty much all ogre mercenaries are just called Maneaters.
In honor of him, I suppose. Yeah. Yeah. In honor of him. Okay. Uh, he got the name Maneater when
there was a, uh, he got a little bit drunk and argument came out with the guy who was paying him.
So he ate him and then took all his, all of his money with him. And the best part of this is that
he is insistent that the name is incredibly misleading because he isn't fussy about what or
who he eats. I mean, I'm not saying something for an ogre. I'm assuming they eat anything.
Yeah, it's, but again, he is so good at being a mercenary that he, um, they named themselves
after him pretty much like going forward, which is pretty impressive. I'll give him credit, right?
So yeah, he was, when he shows up on the battlefield, cause he'll hire himself out
to anyone. Uh, whoever he hires them out for, for the most part, as long as they pay him,
he's going to do good work. Uh, speaking of like mercenaries, cause I noticed, um, they wear like
a lot of jewelry, the higher up ones. What's the, like they are, they value money, but also
meat. So like, how does that work? Do we know? Food is the most valuable thing. It's just,
like I said, they're not completely brain dead. Uh, they do for one, they, they do like, they do
have a basic idea of more money means higher status. Right. And I'm assuming they're like
that shiny. I like that cause it's shiny. Yeah, it's, it's, it's not like there's not going to
be much in the way of noble politicking with the ogres, but they're, they're, they have enough
brain power to form the idea of bigger hoard of stolen money mean more, more status, right?
Means I'm more important. And they also, um, like I said, there's, they are smart enough to realize
I can pay for food with money. And then the person who brings that food will keep bringing me food
when I pay them instead of me just eating them. And could that be like an element of
the size of their gut is revered in their culture, but by showing ostentatious jewelry,
they could be like, well, I've also worked with other species like the humans. So I also have
alliances. So you should respect me because I got this crown and this jewelry and this stuff.
Is that like an element of that maybe? Or I just stole this. I stole this and I look like obese,
like obese Mr. T. Okay. Fair enough. The, the, the closest thing that would be like,
you know, an ogre has a lot of like treasures and stuff, right? Other ogres will know he's surely
been around and like earn that treasure, right? Even like, even if like the simplest scenario,
he just killed the guy whose treasure that was right. Yeah. Well, he was big enough to kill that
guy's treasure. So give him his credit. Right. So well, he's also got all this stuff he doesn't need,
I suppose. Yeah. Yeah. The, the concept of that web of alliances is probably a bit too much thinking
for the average ogre. But like a very, yeah, a very stupid version of that idea is in their head. So
it's like, Ooh, he's, he's been around. That means he must be a big fighter, big guy, real strong.
Yeah. Just, you know, same concept, a lot less words. Yeah. It's and as for like them as
mercenaries in general, you know, I like my elves, right? I will use the words of an elf here.
Who could forget the ogres? Not anyone with a sense of smell. That's for sure.
Worst manners than trolls. And that's saying something. But there are a few troops you'd rather
have on your side in the heat of battle. This was an elf admitting that goddamn, they fight real good.
So they fight real good. That was gonna say, do they have any like particularly good moments where
they hate, they like helped out, dare I say the end times, but like, did they ever have like a moment
of glory where they're like, we're fighting with the elves or the humans and we won the good fight,
but then we were hungry and we might have eaten a few people, but no one minded because it was such
a stunning victory. There was a time, if I am remembering correctly, let me pull it up real
quick. Just one moment. Let me scroll through. They were working with Skarsnik a bit. I mean,
it was, I believe it was, they were working with the dwarfs to retake the mountain of
Karak Eight Peaks, the Warhammer fantasy Stalingrad. Something happened where they didn't like working
with the dwarfs anymore. So then they were working with the goblins and started eating dwarfs.
It was very messy. The ogres don't do too much like shaking and moving on their own
because they don't care much for it. They care to eat. And if they get to eat, yeah. Oh no,
pardon me. What happened was our good friend Golg, right? Golg can't finish your name.
Was hired by the dwarfs to fight against the skaven and the ogres did do this quite successfully.
And then the green skins promised them more money. So then they betrayed the dwarfs and then the
fight gets even more out of hand because it's a three-way brawl very quickly turning into a
four-way brawl. So Golg just decides, I have enough money. This is not worth it. I'm leaving.
Yeah. I've had my food. I'm full for now. Let's go, lads. Go find somewhere else to get some food.
Yeah. So that...
They're mercenaries. The highest bidder gets them on their side, right? To their credit,
they are... I choose to believe that was just some end times. We need the good guys to lose
shenanigans, right? Because for the most part, a man eater is going to be... He's aware that
if you keep eating everyone who hires you the moment a better deal comes with,
no one's going to hire you anymore. So they'll usually at least wait until that contract is up
before they'd start going, hey, I'm going to eat you. They'll give you a chance to either renew
the contract or walk away because they're going to someone else now. Yeah. I'm just envisioning,
surely there must have been attempts by the empire or someone to be like, hey,
let's go to an encampment of ogres and be like, right, we've got a scaven problem.
We can promise you months of food, lots to do. It's in your best interest. And if you want,
you can even keep the land because it's infested with scaven. We're probably not going to root
them out. Just come over here. It'll be really fun. Here's some sweets. Here's some...
Here's a boar. Here's 12 boars. Come and help fight. And they're just like, okay. But then maybe on
the way they're like, I'm a bit peckish and they eat the people that they're trying to help.
That can happen. But for the most part, every army in the world will hire on ogres from chaos
to the elves, the humans, to everyone because they know if you feed the ogre and pay him,
he's going to work with you. And I assume they're really good in like Norsca. It was like they got
all that belly fat to insulate them. There's loads of chaos to eat and kill. Take them to Norsca.
They won't mind. They don't mind the weather. No. Yeah, not at all. They will work with anyone.
You pay them and feed them. And like I said, they're resistant to chaos. They can choose to
follow the chaos if they'd like for whatever reason you might worship a chaos god. Corn,
going to make them real good at fighting. Since they're real good at fighting, they can eat more
people. Like that kind of thing. So literally, if there is a faction in Warhammer fantasy,
there are reasons an ogre would be hired and following them around because you want them on
your side. Because what they consider to be a rifle is what other factions consider to be a cannon.
Because I'm assuming they don't really care much for Sinch or Svanes. But I assume they'd have
quite an affinity for not just corn, but Nergal. Because he's the one who's like, oh, my troops
are bloated anyway. And it's all about entropy and decay. And it's like, oh, maybe they'd like
Nergal and corn, less siege. What are we going to do? Scheme? For what? Meat. I can just like
bludgeon that guy to death and get meat. What do you want about? It's probably definitely more,
you know, corn and Nergal more so. But even with like Svanes and Sinch, like, you know,
the ogre might discover he's got a real taste for like, I don't know, like empire cuisine,
but he only wants the best, right? Well, he wants the best of the best meals. He becomes obsessed
with it. Svanes is going to offer those meals to him. And now you have the most rare things in a
Svanes army, something that's fast and tough. And even I'm just imagining Svanes being like,
I have something to gift you if you pledge your what is it? It is called a spice rack.
Yeah, like putting that all the season. It's like, this is the best thing ever. It's like,
you silly fool. You've given me a soul for nothing.
And then even with like, what is it?
Zinch like, Gris has had a little bit of cunning in them, right? Gris's does not worship Zinch at
all. But like there was those moments, it's ogre cunning, where he invites the other guy to step
in the ring first and then belly flaps on him. But it's, it's cunning enough that there is thought
going on there. And I guess I could say like, oh, we can orchestrate a simple to to our perspective,
but really crazy scheme in their mind to be like, we can make infinite meat from this.
We talk to this person, we trick them, and then we do this. And then we betray them all like,
okay, maybe. Yeah, like they literally any faction, even the lizardmen, like you can find an excuse
for ogres to be fighting with them as mercenaries. You pay them, give them meat. You've got a new
best friend for that battle. And like I said, that that end times thing, I, again, I'm, I choose to
believe that's end times garbage, because they know if you keep betraying your employer, you're
not going to get employed anymore. So with that, they can also learn a little bit. Sometimes they,
sometimes they try and join the culture they're a part of, which for a variety of reasons, often
usually is well, it can end in tears. But a lot of the times it also like the people just let them
like for one, let's say an ogre decides he's he wants to be part of Imperial nobility. He's got a
whole bunch of money from his mercenary career, right? He wants to join the finer things in life.
He doesn't really understand the finer things in life. He doesn't really understand politics.
But tell me Andy, are you going to tell the nine foot tall thing of sir pure muscle and fat that
he's not allowed at your fancy dinner party? No. And also he doesn't know any better. It's like,
ah, I gathered you the finest bore in all the land. And it's just like, oh, this is just like
this, the cast offs that's been like mulched together in like the butchers at the end of like
his shift. He won't know any better. Just like his big slab of mincemeat. Awesome. Num, num, num.
The finer things. Yeah. The way the way you handle that is, you know, you accommodate him. You say
we will of course give you the finest meat. And then you slap all the fat and gristle down on his
plate, which if anything, he's going to like more because fat good.
I give him off jewelry. And then, you know, not worth anything. Get him a get him a tailor to like
help him extend his waistline for his trousers. Like I can get you a really good tailor. And then
the tailor is like taking them. This is like the smelly trousers. It's like, oh, is this like blood?
Yeah, there's a load of blood in this. Oh, it smells. Yeah. Just add a few more inches to the
waist. It's fine. Okay. If I have to. And if some, you know, some snobby Bretonian nobleman,
you know, who's visiting goes, this is, this is horribly yogurt uncultured. This is just
uncultured. The yogurt you now have, you know, mid dinner entertainment as he eats the noble alive.
Yeah. And guzzles all of his wine as if it's like Ribena. He doesn't know any better. It's like,
ah, that's fine. Like, like, like that is from the Chateau. It took a thousand years to cultivate.
Look, look, look. Oh no. So, you know, he's, he's not, not often, but you will see them like in
nobility places. You would not expect to find one, but they, they decided they like it.
So, you know, sometimes again, you might find a, a very big and fat dwarf slayer who's not a dwarf,
but the rest of the dwarfs are going to look at them and go, well, there's a lot of cultural
reasons. This doesn't really work for you, but I also really want to watch them wrestle a troll.
So he's allowed to stay. I have a morbid question. Yes. So everyone's favorite necromancer Nagash,
could he resurrect a, I'm assuming he can, he can resurrect an ogre. And then because he's all like
bones and no skin, make him like suffer an eternity where like you want to eat, but you don't have like
a digestive system anymore or a belly and just have like this, although I suppose he doesn't really
really need to have sentience if he's being necromanced, but I assume having a gigantic ogre
skeleton would be quite terrifying. Yeah. He could absolutely do that. Like in lore, like necromancy
can be anything. It's just for model and tabletop reasons. It's just people skeletons, right?
It's, he could do that. And in fact, the soul thing, like he could very easily put your soul
back in your necromancer body and torture an ogre like that. It's usually not worth the effort.
And the gosh, doesn't like anyone, but ogres in the grand skew of things are pretty far down his
shit list because even he knows, well, I could probably just give them money and then they'll
help me kill things. Then I betray them later. Once all the killing is done, just, just the
gosh and his skeletal voice, like, I do not hate the silly fat men. They are simple turns.
Okay. Yeah. Fair enough.
They're, they, they, they do of course commit the grievous sin of being alive, which, you know,
he will, he would of course, eventually, you know, I'm sure put them on the, the to do list,
but they're low down on it, right? You know, the Skaven are there, the, the, the tomb Kings are
there, even though they're not quite alive, they're around. He's got the ogres are like, you know,
probably one of the last things he'd kill. And to be honest, I assume that we say like, oh, ogres
are pretty good against like everything. I assume the hard counter is the tomb Kings and the
gas. Cause like, what are you going to eat? The bones? They haven't got anything to eat pretty
bad. Probably. Yeah. They like, if you hire them on as a mercenary, they're absolutely, you know,
going to go fight those on debt. You're going to have to bring double the like foods. Cause
they're not going to get any from the battlefield, I suppose. So yeah, unless the necromancer, they,
you know, they've got a lot of zombies, in which case the ogres are still going to eat that.
It doesn't matter that it's drippy sticky flesh. Yeah. Like just,
it doesn't matter that for one, it's just a rotting corpse. And for two, it's covered in dark
mesh. It's food. Yeah. Food. They're going to eat it. Slimy. Yeah.
Hey, hang it out to dry for a bit. You've got zombie jerky.
They do not care. And they can eat anything. If it is made out of,
if it is, can be remotely considered alive, which again includes demons somehow,
they will eat it. You know, demons again, like in, you know, like in 40 K, they, you know,
they get banished back to the realm of chaos when they die, right? They don't truly die.
Well, that just means the demons still got to be moving when you eat it. Yeah. It just means that
when it wakes up, it's going to have PTSD of it being eaten alive, which is not great for the demon.
No, in fact, they're so good at fighting that their total warhammer trailer was a
cord invasion, I believe led by Scarbrand, resoundingly defeated. I was just going to say,
like, I'm just imagining this like poor lesser demon of corn. Like, what's your name? My name is
Krant Price Eaton. Like, huh? Yeah. I fought the ogres and free bows and every time I got eaten.
And that's what they call me now. Oh, poor guy. Because the thing is, they're not smart enough
to invent the cannon, right? They're smart enough to know that if you put metal in it,
put gunpowder in it, and then light it, you've got a really big gun.
Which is why, like, you know, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,
and I can do that. Which is why like, part of why they join other cultures sometimes,
they're not smart enough to realize the the the subtleties of whatever culture,
they're joining all the different aspects of it, They are smart enough to appreciate some of the
the bits they like. Like, again, dwarf slayers, they get into big fights. Big fights mean big
food ogres now a dwarf slayer. This giant doesn't understand, is really good at making cutlets out
enemies so they're easier to eat. Amazing.
He doesn't understand the whole, like...
Forgecraft of the weapon or like the prestige. This cut good makes me smaller. Brilliant.
He doesn't understand dwarf craftsmanship or that a slayer is not a good thing to be.
That's a death cult. But he sure knows wrestling trolls is fun and then you get to eat it when
you're done. So, dwarf slayer ogre. Wow, that's Galmaraz. That's a pretty cool hammer.
It's a bit too small to tenderize the meat. I don't think it's so great. Fair enough.
Yeah, except most people they might say that to are not going to correct them because it's
an ogre. Exactly.
So they're like on their own. They're not movers and shakers, but they will be hired
by people who are. And that's when the problems start. Because an ogre, again, like I said,
sure, they're relative to, you know, like the skaven or humans. They're not the most
numerous, but they don't, you know, they don't reproduce as slow as, you know, skaven or
as like elves and dwarves. There's a decent amount of them. They like to travel. They
like to get paid. They do like to fight. Everything eventually comes back to eating, but they
like fighting. They like their trinkets. It's why I made that video that if you had to live
in Warhammer, you want to be an ogre. I remember that. I do have a question though.
Is there such a thing as like, how long do these guys live for? Is it the case of if
they keep eating, they keep surviving? I want to say they're roughly like human-ish
lifespan. Can be longer. I believe like they can get up to like 120 years of age, so a
little bit longer than a people. But they're fighting a lot. Most of them don't reach that
age. They do get, they do absolutely age because like there was a, the guy, the one I'm already
forgetting his name, the shrewd shrewd, the guy who sold his kin to become rat ogres.
He is like old, hunched over. He's a grumpy old man who's also a monster, but you know,
ignore that. Like to the point, like his tribe actually does show up in Total Warhammer,
but he's old and hunchbacked and old. So he's got a henchman who does the diplomacy lines
and stuff, but it is his tribe, which is a nice little touch. So they're, you don't want
to fight them. That is the end of it. You do not want to fight them. For their little
bit of End Times lore, they didn't really, they did not do much. Greasys got into a fight
with Grimgor Ironhide, which is- Doesn't sound like it went well. Suicide by orc. No, it
did not go well. Even for Greasys. He got his skull bashed in with his own club. Oh,
no. And then with that, he joined Grimgor's great waa where all of the orcs and goblins
in the world were a part of it. And then now most of the ogres are a part of it. And then
he went to go, and then he, there was a cafe before Grimgor went east and then he went
east and then there was not a cafe. And then Grimgor turned back around and went west and
then there was chaos dwarfs and then there weren't chaos dwarfs. He seems to be quite
powerful. I mean, even for an orc, it's like, hot damn. It's like, that's two empires gone.
Amazing. Grimgor only died in the End Times because Archeon had to cheat. You know how
Dracnian has a demon in it? Yeah. Archeon's sword has one too. And then Grimgor headbutted
him so hard he couldn't see the future anymore. So he had to let loose the demon to help him
kill Grimgor in the sword. Which also broke the sword. And in previous lore, prior to
the End Times, he actually just no holds barred, beat the piss out of Archeon. You don't fight
Grimgor. Good advice. Which yeah, Gris has learned the hard way. Some other stuff. Their
End Times lore again is not terribly interesting. There was that stuff with good old Golg and
Karak eight peaks where he worked with the dwarfs, then he worked with the orcs, and
then he decided it's time to leave because this is getting too messy even for me. And
yeah, all the mountains of Morn started erupting. The whole homeland, just lava everywhere. So
they started fleeing and that turned into a big old mass migration, which like I said,
then turned into Gris's being like, I'm in charge of all of you and he's bacon fat.
So they agreed and then Gris has got Grimgor and then that was kind of really the end of
anything notable happening with the ogres. I'm sure, you know, in like the final battle,
if you look around, there was bits in them peeking about doing whatever. And then in
Age of Sigmar, they're pretty much the same. They worship Gorka Morka now, rather than
the Great Maw, but they're still real hungry. They're still never really full. They go around
eating everything. They're still mercenaries because they know that the moral realm has
got a whole lot of people that need protection and will give them food in exchange for it.
The only real, I would say the only real standout, but the most interesting about them is that
there's a group of ogres. They're called ogors now. O-G-O-R.
Ogors.
I sure tried with that one. But that's copyrightable, apparently. That was enough.
Oh, wow.
So stupid. But there's this cool little thing. There's a group of ogres called the Beast
Raiders who are cursed to have a winter, a horrible blizzard, permanently following them
around. It doesn't kill them, but it does freeze them in place because it's magic until
they can get heated up out of it. And there's some theories as to why that's following them.
One of them being, pardon me, the first Frost King, which is kind of the groups that lead
tribes that gets the guy in charge, was tricked by Mork himself into eating the frozen heart
of a god beast and he became the eye of this storm. So it's him following his kin around,
freezing them on accident. One of them is that the first beast claw raiders accidentally
unfroze some ice gods that Nagashin imprisoned. Another idea is that just Sigmar was pissed
at them for eating all of his people, so he conjured up this big old storm. Which is,
it's cool. Like there's a lot of these differing myths that could explain, which one do you
like the most? Could be it.
By the way, I don't know too much about Age of Sigmar and other species other than humans
become stormcast.
There's never, I don't believe, been a confirmed, like this is an elf stormcast or dwarf stormcast.
But there's nothing stopping that.
Because all I'm saying is, GW, I've got a multi-million idea for you. Make a storm gut
eternal. I want to see an ogre with his gut hanging out, the armor barely fitting. That
would be really fun. Silly miniature. That would be fun.
That would be great. But I will say, I believe it's in the Soulbound, which is the Age of
Sigmar roleplay game. Most, if not all, are human. So, very much implied stormcasts are
human. Most, if not all. If you want to get creative with your minis, could make a stormcast
or ogre eternal.
I just like the idea that he's like, they're like, hey, I've got an offer for you. We can
feed you. And even when you die, you can eat in the afterlife. And you can keep eating
and eating. And then you don't have one lifetime to eat. You have several. He's like, that's
a pretty good deal. And that'd be all you have to do.
That would probably be enough to convince them. Also, here's a very fun image I found,
which is, it's not an ogre stormcast, but someone made a Tao stormcast eternal.
What is that?
I don't know who got that inspiration, but it's kind of funny.
That's crazy. He looks quite buff for a Tao, I've got to be honest.
Yeah, that is a, if the actual Tao had that, they'd probably be a bit more successful with
their expansion. But that is, for the most part, the ogres and a little bit of the ogres
from Age of Sigmar. Because, like you said at the beginning, they're pretty one note.
There's not the most to them, but it's a really good note.
Yeah, I mean-
They're fun.
Yeah, it's like, even things like the dwarves or the, the dwarves have a lot more, but like
the skaven, they're just pestilence. They're just there all the time being a problem. They
don't need, they just need to be annoying rat men who have no redeeming qualities. Or
Nagash, he's just evil man with big pointy hat. That's fine. That's what we need sometimes
for factions. And I like the ogres are just like, oh, we're not malevolent, we're not
mean-spirited. We just need to eat. And we'll eat anything that we have to, to survive.
And we like eating all sorts of stuff. We're not bad, we're not good. We're just right
in the gray area of, we'll be good or bad depending on how much beef you'll give me.
Yeah. And, and like I said, they're probably for Warhammer fantasy, the most like Kitbash
homebrew friendly. Because if you just look up like ogre Warhammer fantasy Kitbash, you
can find all sorts of different people fitting to their lore, where there's like just minis
of like ogres where they've got bits from other armies and just slapped them on top.
Like, you know, dark elves, orcs, dwarfs, high elves, anything. Because like I said,
if it is a faction in Warhammer, you can find an excuse for them to be fighting alongside
it. Yeah. Oh, this one's got like all this nature stuff on him because he made an alliance
with the wood elves and they're just giving him deer all the time. We've got loads of
deer. We'll give you deer from the forest. If you protect our big tree, that's a special
tree. Cool. And now he's got like wood elf stuff on him. Like, yeah, you can do that
with your Kitbash. I've actually found an image of pretty much that exact thing. Oh,
wow. Yeah, there you go. Nice hair. Yeah. See, like if you want to get creative with
minis ogres are not a bad way to do it. They're admittedly, they're not in the old world.
I don't believe there is one ogre kit in the old world. And I highly recommend you do not
buy that kit. Let's see if I can't find the pictures for it. It's part of the orcs and
goblins. Let's see. Where are you? Andy, I would like you to take a guess how much this
old, bad metal kit costs. 100 pounds. 112 US dollars. Oh, that's so probably not far
off from 100 pounds. Yeah. How old is that? I don't know. It looks quite old. Look at
that image. And then I will really quickly go on over to the destruction side of things
for the ogres. And here's what the standard ogre looks like compared to those guys. Oh,
wow. That's a little bit better. Just a little bit. Wow. So if you'd like my recommendation,
find the base size for that ogre kit in the old world. And then just buy some age of sigma
ogres. That miniature on the bottom left of the guy's head pocket. That's grim. Whoa.
That's crazy. Oh, yeah. They don't have advanced medicine, but they sure can bolt metal to
your face. So yeah, that kit is $60. It even gets you some noblars if you'd like. Just
buy ogres from age of sigma and then put them on square bases. If you really want to run
ogres in the old world, please. And I like the gut armor you mentioned before. It looks
quite good on them. I like how they have different styles as well. It's almost world eater-esque,
but rounder. Fatter. They are within their limited creativity. They do get a bit creative
with it. You can find an ogre who has pride in his craftsmanship. They're kind of like
the ultimate create your own tribe, create your own army faction, because pick a thing
and ogre's probably down with it. This is Spork the ogre. He has a vast array of spoons
he collects. All the better to drink and eat with. He's got big old spoons because he loves
his soup. And of course, nothing about the ogres would be fit if I didn't tell you to
go watch their Total War Hammer 3 trailer, because it's an eating and drinking song.
Yeah, it's good. That was one of the only things I saw when I first heard about the
game. And I was like, that's amazing. They're just having so much fun.
It is a good time. And yeah, any other questions?
I can't think of anything. I just like the idea that, yeah, I suppose similar to the
orcs of all the factions, I assume they're having the most fun because their whole life
is like, as long as I'm eating, I'm really I'm like, the happiest I can physically be.
And that's great. And we love them for it. Yeah, it's like I said before, they're, they're
smart enough to enjoy some of the finer things in life. Stupid enough to not realize that
they live in Warhammer and it sucks. Brilliant. I guess that's the ogres then, is it? I mean,
I know we said at the beginning, just sometimes yetis exist. Yeti is an ogre. Yes, it's an
ogre that's gone feral, grown fur and become a yeti. Wow. It's called a yeti. Why? Come
on. It's it's a yeti. Yeah, you could even be that might not be how to pronounce it.
It could still be pronounced yeti. But you could have been like you could have used like
silent words that you could have been like, what's it like? G N E. It's like, Gnetti,
but like you pronounce it yeti with a silent G. Yeah. Gnetti, you know. Oh, G W. So lazy.
I, yeah. But I mean, yeah, there's like any other smaller things like there's, you know,
as with, you know, other arm, like Space Marine chapters, there's no different ogre tribes
that specialize in different things. But for the most part, you find an ogre, you can pretty
reliably assume what they're going to like the most. What they like the most is food.
Do not go to an ogre empty handed or you're going to be there. You're going to be there
lunch or breakfast. No, you you will be the food. Oh, I guess one last thing I kind of
I did forget about a little bit. They get along with halflings real good. Halflings
are real good cooks and they're I don't think it was ever confirmed, but there might be
some little instinctive thing going on where like they know, like, hang on a minute, halflings
were us as prototypes. And for the halflings part, if they cook for an ogre, they have
an ogre protecting them from all the big scary avarlanders that want to hunt them. It's pretty
good deal. So halflings, a lot of the times they're one of the few things an ogre won't
just eat out of hand. They might still eat them if they piss them off. But for the most
part, so it's like your little brother. You're not going to eat your little brother. Your
cousin. You're like, ah, cousin, what's on what's on the menu tonight? Don't worry about
the wolves in this little camp we've made in this like eerie forest. I'll protect you.
What we eating? OK, got any got any geese? No. OK, eats the halfling. OK, well, at least
they'll give you a chance. Yeah, you know, they try and they know the halflings love
their feast, too. Halflings love to eat. Ogres love to eat. It's a match made in heaven.
Yeah, you could theoretically have a carnivore ogre and a vegan halfling and they'd be able
to like, I don't like meat. Well, I don't like vegetables. Hey, we can work together.
We can we can come to an arrangement. It works. Yeah. The halfling cooks all the meat and
the ogre brings some vegetables for himself and they both bring a lot of good deal. Yeah,
that's it. It's a good time by all. And I think that should be the basics of the ogres.
Eat, eat, more eat. To be I mean, I know we said, oh, this would probably be a short one,
but actually we're all we're like an hour and a half plus. Yeah, I was actually surprised
how long that went. Done quite well, really. You saw it here. The most comprehensive ogre
video on Warhammer Fantasy on Eversi because unfortunately, I assume they have no books.
Indeed. So I. I didn't look, I will admit. I made an assumption. That I don't think they
have any books. Oh, that's a shame. They have an army book. Well, there's so much potential
for silly stories. Like if the orcs can get away with it, surely the ogres can too. That's
a shame. Yeah. Oh, this is. Is this this is the Italian version. This looks more like
German. I don't know. Well, I. Their official name of the army is the Ogre Kingdoms. This
is a very fun way to say Ogre Kingdoms. Die Ogre Konigreich. That's got to be German.
That has to be listed wrong on Amazon. That is not Italian. It's got to be German. The
Ogre Konigreich. Yeah. Amazing. Yeah. They. Yeah. Like it's simple. And now my quick browsing,
I do not see any ogre books other than their army book. Well, when they do an army, hopefully
they'll do a book one day. But we both know that now that if they do that, they have to
commit to calling it the survival of the feasters. And that's what they should call it. Yeah.
But either way, that was good fun. It's nice to have like a light hearted faction that aren't
necessarily good guys, but they're definitely not like they're not intentionally bad. They
just don't know any better. We don't eat. We don't. We don't eat people out of spite.
They just taste nice. Oh, you guys, you goofy guys. But that was really good fun. I like
the ogres. I enjoyed the video you did on like they're the best faction to live as in
Warhammer Fancy because they're just having a great time. Check out this video. Yeah,
pretty much. Any closing thoughts? Please make them not be unfun to play in Warhammer
Total War. Oh, they're not very good to play as their their roster is fun to use. But one
of their mechanics is those mercenary contracts, right? Except the problem is, if you follow
those mechanics, it makes you randomly go out of your way to it to attack people. And
because this is a strategy game, that's just declaring war on someone else for like 50
bucks. And also their camps can't move once you put them down. So once you leave an area
and you're done conquering it, you've now just got a camp sitting there that you can't
really do anything with. So is could be better. Again, I haven't played ogres in a long time.
Maybe they fixed them. But I was not a big fan of their play style. But their lore and
their in battlefield mechanics, very fun. So surely, I would have thought the best mechanic
would be like, you want them to attack the biggest possible army because there's the
most possible food. That should be how they do it. Like you get into that. It was like
the bigger you are kind of because the more enemies you fight, the more meat you get after
the battle. So I just feel like there'd be like good modifiers is like, hey, if there's
like fewer of you and you kill more of them, maybe that's the way you get like, like quicker
upgrades because you're being a bit more like ballsy, a bit more gluttonous. You're like,
there's a big target. I'm drawn to the biggest target because they've got more more meat
on their bones. Maybe you kind of can like you can spend meat to buff your army. So there
is kind of like that. And the bigger army you fight, the more meat you get from the
end of the battle. But some of the mechanics away from that are not the most fun. But they're
not horrible. And in the battlefield, they're fun because they're ogres. Your basic infantry
is probably going to tear through most other things. Yeah. Oh, well, well, that was that
was good fun. So that's been our discussion on the ogres of Warhammer Fantasy. For all
of you listening or watching at home, please feel free to let us know what factions you
would like us to talk about next, because this was a very this was, I think, the most
popular one. There were so many comments like, dude, the funny ogres, they're funny, they're
they're they're goofy goobers who like to eat. So we've done that. And we thought we
were only going to get like less than an hour worth of that. And we've done quite well,
I think. We've done an hour past what I predicted. Yeah. So yeah, let us know in the comments
what you'd like to see next. And until then, we'll catch you on the next one. Thanks, everyone.
Bye. Take care, everyone. Have a good one.