WEBVTT 00:00:04.360 --> 00:00:08.480 Are you a parent? Do you sometimes struggle hoping 00:00:08.480 --> 00:00:12.039 that you haven't broken your kid? We've all been 00:00:12.039 --> 00:00:16.519 there. And today's guest on YQG In Bloom is an 00:00:16.519 --> 00:00:19.980 empowering parent expert, family law attorney, 00:00:20.120 --> 00:00:23.640 and transformational speaker, Jacqueline Cheng. 00:00:24.039 --> 00:00:26.500 Hi. Thank you, Tracy. I'm so happy to be here 00:00:26.500 --> 00:00:30.410 today. I'm so happy that you're here too. Happy 00:00:30.410 --> 00:00:35.170 that I got that in one take. That's a lot. I've 00:00:35.170 --> 00:00:38.189 never heard of an empowered parenting expert. 00:00:38.409 --> 00:00:41.210 Right. Can you explain to us what that is? OK, 00:00:41.369 --> 00:00:44.429 so I'm actually an empowered parenting coach. 00:00:44.609 --> 00:00:46.869 So that's one of the things that I do alongside 00:00:46.869 --> 00:00:49.909 being an attorney and a positive discipline parent 00:00:49.909 --> 00:00:53.579 educator. That's also a mouthful. I know. So 00:00:53.579 --> 00:00:56.899 the type of coaching that I do, it's really very 00:00:56.899 --> 00:01:01.060 transformative. What we focus on really is working 00:01:01.060 --> 00:01:04.480 with parents to empower them. So you're working 00:01:04.480 --> 00:01:06.359 with a parent to empower the mom and the dad 00:01:06.359 --> 00:01:09.859 to become the leader in their home. So they lead 00:01:09.859 --> 00:01:12.799 by example. That's really in a nub what it's 00:01:12.799 --> 00:01:16.519 all about. It's also about breaking the parenting 00:01:16.519 --> 00:01:19.959 cycle. Because from when I was growing up, you 00:01:19.959 --> 00:01:23.280 were growing up, my parents growing up. things 00:01:23.280 --> 00:01:26.299 have changed and evolved. Our knowledge of parenting 00:01:26.299 --> 00:01:30.560 has evolved, so it's a hard pattern to break 00:01:30.560 --> 00:01:33.040 when that's all you know. Absolutely. And you 00:01:33.040 --> 00:01:34.420 know, you hit the nail on the head there, Tracy, 00:01:34.500 --> 00:01:37.299 because for many of us, we grew up in a very 00:01:37.299 --> 00:01:40.379 sort of power over parent style of parenting 00:01:40.379 --> 00:01:44.780 where our parents were like, do as I say. You 00:01:44.780 --> 00:01:47.000 don't speak unless you're spoken to. And there 00:01:47.000 --> 00:01:49.719 was like the harsh... The very harsh punishment 00:01:49.719 --> 00:01:52.680 met it out to you when you were being defiant 00:01:52.680 --> 00:01:55.359 or you were found to be misbehaving. So a lot 00:01:55.359 --> 00:01:59.120 of us had that very harsh way of parenting. And 00:01:59.120 --> 00:02:01.900 what the science shows, Tracy, is that that sort 00:02:01.900 --> 00:02:04.319 of very harsh way of parenting, which really 00:02:04.319 --> 00:02:07.540 is a punishment, really. It doesn't really serve 00:02:07.540 --> 00:02:10.539 the child long term. It actually impedes their 00:02:10.539 --> 00:02:14.360 brain development. So this new way of parenting, 00:02:14.500 --> 00:02:16.919 the modern way, what we're focused on in terms 00:02:16.919 --> 00:02:20.379 of empowered parenting is really about creating 00:02:20.379 --> 00:02:23.740 an emotional connection with you and your child 00:02:23.740 --> 00:02:27.340 so that you can guide them through. And we're 00:02:27.340 --> 00:02:30.219 not allowing them to run amok. We do discipline 00:02:30.219 --> 00:02:32.960 them, but we discipline them in non -punitive 00:02:32.960 --> 00:02:36.379 ways so that we... teach them, we guide them. 00:02:36.719 --> 00:02:38.379 They're still essentially a student, because 00:02:38.379 --> 00:02:41.139 if you think about the root word of discipline, 00:02:41.879 --> 00:02:45.620 it's a disciple. And what's a disciple? A student. 00:02:45.719 --> 00:02:48.060 So how do we treat with our students? We guide, 00:02:48.180 --> 00:02:49.879 we support, and we teach them. But we teach them 00:02:49.879 --> 00:02:53.240 to take responsibility and accountability when 00:02:53.240 --> 00:02:55.860 they mess up. We teach them about learning coping 00:02:55.860 --> 00:02:59.139 skills, emotional regulation. We teach them how 00:02:59.139 --> 00:03:03.539 to problem solve their way through solutions 00:03:03.539 --> 00:03:06.259 so that next time they can do better basically. 00:03:06.639 --> 00:03:10.199 It's very overwhelming being a parent. Oh yes. 00:03:10.219 --> 00:03:14.319 And I couldn't imagine being a parent nowadays 00:03:14.319 --> 00:03:17.780 where we have the internet and there's this huge 00:03:17.780 --> 00:03:21.960 thing about screen time and I know that's a battle 00:03:21.960 --> 00:03:27.000 for many parents. How do you suggest that they 00:03:27.000 --> 00:03:30.039 handle that? So even in my home, I would admit 00:03:30.039 --> 00:03:33.439 that screen time battles is a thing. I have three 00:03:33.439 --> 00:03:35.819 boys, a nine -year -old, a six -year -old, and 00:03:35.819 --> 00:03:39.319 a four -year -old. So for us in the positive 00:03:39.319 --> 00:03:43.819 discipline world, what we focus on doing is helping 00:03:43.819 --> 00:03:45.719 our children to take responsibility for their 00:03:45.719 --> 00:03:48.360 actions, guiding them through so that they can 00:03:48.360 --> 00:03:51.819 manage their time better. And rather than saying, 00:03:51.840 --> 00:03:53.979 hey, if you don't come off your device now, you're 00:03:53.979 --> 00:03:56.180 grounded for the week in terms of no device time, 00:03:56.750 --> 00:03:59.090 What we want to do and the kind of approach we 00:03:59.090 --> 00:04:02.349 take really is one where we say, hey, I get it. 00:04:02.349 --> 00:04:04.569 I know you want to be on the device all day long. 00:04:04.689 --> 00:04:07.909 Wouldn't it be lovely? And the device time is 00:04:07.909 --> 00:04:10.550 over. So what we're doing is we're showing them 00:04:10.550 --> 00:04:12.590 kindness and firmness at the same time, which 00:04:12.590 --> 00:04:16.350 we're empathizing. I get it. I understand. And 00:04:16.350 --> 00:04:18.490 time is over. And that's where you place the 00:04:18.490 --> 00:04:21.089 boundary. Time's over. If you are struggling. 00:04:21.509 --> 00:04:24.089 And even up to yesterday, my sons were struggling. 00:04:24.509 --> 00:04:27.300 And I reminded them that it's over. If you're 00:04:27.300 --> 00:04:29.560 struggling to come off, I'm going to come over 00:04:29.560 --> 00:04:31.660 there and I'm going to have to help you with 00:04:31.660 --> 00:04:34.100 your struggle by taking a device away from you. 00:04:34.579 --> 00:04:36.879 So that's what we want to do. We want to be clear 00:04:36.879 --> 00:04:39.680 and consistent with our boundary settings, so 00:04:39.680 --> 00:04:43.240 to speak, but still showing empathy and understanding 00:04:43.240 --> 00:04:45.279 for where they are. Because it's like reading 00:04:45.279 --> 00:04:48.459 a juicy, watching a juicy movie, Tracy. You want 00:04:48.459 --> 00:04:52.220 to finish it. Exactly. Correct. That's where 00:04:52.220 --> 00:04:56.589 I think. The devices are harmful to me for the 00:04:56.589 --> 00:04:59.550 kids, because when I was like, my son, he's going 00:04:59.550 --> 00:05:04.589 to be 31. And you didn't have a device for in 00:05:04.589 --> 00:05:08.269 the car. Yes. And to keep them quiet while you're 00:05:08.269 --> 00:05:11.209 driving somewhere, you turned on the radio or 00:05:11.209 --> 00:05:13.670 you talk to them, you sang to them. They had 00:05:13.670 --> 00:05:16.550 their toys. They had their books. And now it 00:05:16.550 --> 00:05:20.160 just seems that. That is what parents use, a 00:05:20.160 --> 00:05:22.100 device, a device in the car to keep them quiet, 00:05:22.259 --> 00:05:25.560 a device here, device there. That's a really 00:05:25.560 --> 00:05:28.759 valid point. You have to really be, and it's 00:05:28.759 --> 00:05:30.420 sad to say you have to be like a police over 00:05:30.420 --> 00:05:33.240 them sometimes because there's so much stuff 00:05:33.240 --> 00:05:35.720 that goes on in the internet world and social 00:05:35.720 --> 00:05:38.839 media online that you've got to manage what they're 00:05:38.839 --> 00:05:41.240 watching to a large degree and it must be age 00:05:41.240 --> 00:05:44.000 appropriate. But we also want them to know that, 00:05:44.319 --> 00:05:48.319 hey, you've got to take responsibility. So if 00:05:48.319 --> 00:05:50.279 there are no shorts, like for instance with my 00:05:50.279 --> 00:05:53.660 boys, the rule is there's no shorts to be watched 00:05:53.660 --> 00:05:56.660 on YouTube. So we would be around and ever so 00:05:56.660 --> 00:06:00.560 often if they're on shorts on YouTube, we would 00:06:00.560 --> 00:06:02.879 gently remind them that, hey, if you're struggling, 00:06:03.480 --> 00:06:05.000 I'm going to have to come over there and change 00:06:05.000 --> 00:06:08.319 it for you. And you give them the choice. It's 00:06:08.319 --> 00:06:11.100 about trying to show them that we understand 00:06:11.100 --> 00:06:13.939 how they feel. We understand you want to do this 00:06:13.939 --> 00:06:16.480 and it feels great in the moment to watch these 00:06:16.480 --> 00:06:19.759 inappropriate things and it's not suitable. So 00:06:19.759 --> 00:06:22.220 I'm going to have to come over and help you to 00:06:22.220 --> 00:06:25.680 get off it without the punishment, without grabbing 00:06:25.680 --> 00:06:28.220 it from you necessarily. If I have to and I have 00:06:28.220 --> 00:06:31.279 to like guide you off it, I would. But yeah, 00:06:31.319 --> 00:06:33.740 those words, if we start using those kinds of 00:06:33.740 --> 00:06:35.279 words from now, what we're doing is we're building 00:06:35.279 --> 00:06:38.379 the empathy level. We're growing. their emotional 00:06:38.379 --> 00:06:40.560 intelligence. And that's what we want, emotionally 00:06:40.560 --> 00:06:44.800 intelligent kids who can relate to other people 00:06:44.800 --> 00:06:48.120 in a social setting, who can learn about their 00:06:48.120 --> 00:06:50.920 own emotions and the emotions of others, right? 00:06:51.399 --> 00:06:54.800 That is true. Yeah. Does that make sense? Oh, 00:06:54.980 --> 00:06:58.600 it does. But it's something like, it's foreign 00:06:58.600 --> 00:07:02.819 because not a lot of people talk to their children. 00:07:03.160 --> 00:07:08.680 in a mature way, they talk to them. And I mean, 00:07:08.939 --> 00:07:11.560 some adults too, you gotta talk to them in childish 00:07:11.560 --> 00:07:15.519 ways, but that's another story. That's a whole 00:07:15.519 --> 00:07:19.519 other story. I mean, I'm looking at some of these 00:07:19.519 --> 00:07:22.439 things here, cause it's been so long since I've 00:07:22.439 --> 00:07:26.180 had it, have a kid, and I know how overwhelming 00:07:26.180 --> 00:07:30.529 it is. Like I'm reading here on parents, who 00:07:30.529 --> 00:07:33.009 are feeling like they've tried everything and 00:07:33.009 --> 00:07:36.949 nothing seems to work. How do you help them out 00:07:36.949 --> 00:07:40.430 when they have a kid that's just, they're not 00:07:40.430 --> 00:07:42.889 listening and they're being defiant? Yeah, that's 00:07:42.889 --> 00:07:45.990 a really tough one. And in fact, a lot of the 00:07:45.990 --> 00:07:47.930 moms that I've had, you know, have worked with, 00:07:47.970 --> 00:07:50.110 that's one of the biggest challenges. Like, my 00:07:50.110 --> 00:07:53.970 kid isn't listening, just isn't listening. So 00:07:53.970 --> 00:07:56.750 what I would say to that Tracy is that every 00:07:56.750 --> 00:07:59.480 child's different. you know, there's no one size 00:07:59.480 --> 00:08:02.379 fits all. Every family is different or family 00:08:02.379 --> 00:08:06.959 values are all different. So generally what we 00:08:06.959 --> 00:08:09.220 like to do in the sort of empowered parenting 00:08:09.220 --> 00:08:11.779 world and positive parenting world is to connect. 00:08:12.200 --> 00:08:15.079 with our children. Okay. And I mean connect in 00:08:15.079 --> 00:08:18.379 a moment when their brain is online. So, like, 00:08:18.480 --> 00:08:20.500 can I show you my brain? Oh, yeah, show the brain. 00:08:21.060 --> 00:08:23.139 I've been dying to see this. How's my brain? 00:08:23.699 --> 00:08:26.379 So, this is my little brain model here, right, 00:08:26.439 --> 00:08:28.360 Tracey? I'm gonna keep it as simple as possible 00:08:28.360 --> 00:08:33.059 and not be too geeky about it. So, this is the 00:08:33.059 --> 00:08:35.000 front of the brain, which is like this part of 00:08:35.000 --> 00:08:37.019 the brain. It's called the prefrontal cortex. 00:08:37.559 --> 00:08:39.399 This is the part of the brain, and this is a 00:08:39.399 --> 00:08:40.940 cross -section, but I'll get to the cross -section 00:08:40.940 --> 00:08:43.080 shortly. This part of the brain, which is at 00:08:43.080 --> 00:08:45.139 the front, is actually the part of the brain 00:08:45.139 --> 00:08:49.379 that is responsible for decision -making, logical 00:08:49.379 --> 00:08:52.580 thinking and emotional regulation. That part 00:08:52.580 --> 00:08:56.019 of the brain does not start developing until 00:08:56.019 --> 00:09:01.379 around age six or seven. Start. Wow. And it doesn't 00:09:01.379 --> 00:09:06.710 take full form until around age 25 to 28. Well, 00:09:06.909 --> 00:09:11.289 that explains a lot from my kids that are what 00:09:11.289 --> 00:09:15.230 we're calling later on in the 20s. Right. And 00:09:15.230 --> 00:09:17.990 if you think back about it, even, I mean, reflect 00:09:17.990 --> 00:09:20.610 for a moment when we were in our 20s or even 00:09:20.610 --> 00:09:24.309 God, like in our 30s, we were making silly mistakes. 00:09:24.370 --> 00:09:27.029 We were still having trouble to make certain 00:09:27.029 --> 00:09:30.629 decisions. And even now as full grown 45 year 00:09:30.629 --> 00:09:33.679 old adults, which is what I am. We have moments 00:09:33.679 --> 00:09:35.960 where we struggle emotionally and that's because 00:09:35.960 --> 00:09:38.659 this part of the brain would have gone into like 00:09:38.659 --> 00:09:42.279 offline fight -flight mode. So we don't want 00:09:42.279 --> 00:09:44.700 to approach our children when they're not engaged 00:09:44.700 --> 00:09:46.879 in this part of the brain. When they're struggling 00:09:46.879 --> 00:09:49.379 in the moment, it means that part of the brain 00:09:49.379 --> 00:09:52.440 isn't engaged, so they're not listening. We don't 00:09:52.440 --> 00:09:55.720 want to have a conversation with them when their 00:09:55.720 --> 00:09:58.159 brain is offline, because then they're living 00:09:58.159 --> 00:10:00.419 in this part of the brain, which is really like 00:10:00.419 --> 00:10:02.340 the emotional part of the brain, the amygdala. 00:10:02.519 --> 00:10:05.860 Okay. It's like a little almond just around here. 00:10:06.100 --> 00:10:08.679 So it's like a little almond shaped part of the 00:10:08.679 --> 00:10:10.879 brain. So it's like the lower reptilian part 00:10:10.879 --> 00:10:13.139 of the brain where they're literally in fight 00:10:13.139 --> 00:10:17.159 -flight -freeze mode, if I can put it that way. 00:10:17.440 --> 00:10:19.519 And we don't want to lecture them. We don't want 00:10:19.519 --> 00:10:23.379 to question them or give them, to discipline 00:10:23.379 --> 00:10:25.740 them. We want to wait till they're in a calmer 00:10:25.740 --> 00:10:29.799 state when the frontal cortex is engaged. Have 00:10:29.799 --> 00:10:33.190 a conversation, an empowered conversation. what 00:10:33.190 --> 00:10:36.309 I've noticed, what I've observed. This is how 00:10:36.309 --> 00:10:40.190 it makes me feel. For instance, there's spilled 00:10:40.190 --> 00:10:46.769 milk on the floor in my kitchen that my four 00:10:46.769 --> 00:10:49.389 -year -old spilled. You know, his frontal cortex 00:10:49.389 --> 00:10:51.230 hasn't started to develop yet, so I have to be 00:10:51.230 --> 00:10:53.789 very mindful of that fact. And he's living in 00:10:53.789 --> 00:10:56.470 his emotional brain, the amygdala. So I say, 00:10:56.629 --> 00:10:59.779 hey, guys, there is... spilled milk on the floor. 00:10:59.980 --> 00:11:03.179 It's making me feel really worried because I 00:11:03.179 --> 00:11:05.299 want to have safety. I have a need for safety. 00:11:06.279 --> 00:11:10.279 So we need to have this cleaned up. Will you 00:11:10.279 --> 00:11:12.600 help me clean this up so we can all be safe? 00:11:13.500 --> 00:11:16.399 So what I'm doing there is I'm literally saying 00:11:16.399 --> 00:11:19.539 what I observe, how I'm feeling, what I need, 00:11:19.919 --> 00:11:22.460 and making a request. So that's called nonviolent 00:11:22.460 --> 00:11:24.279 communication. It's like a four -step process 00:11:24.279 --> 00:11:27.860 that Dr. Marshall Rosenberg has coined, and actually 00:11:27.860 --> 00:11:30.460 it's in one of my books here. If somebody was 00:11:30.460 --> 00:11:33.480 to say, hey, guys, somebody spilled the milk. 00:11:33.539 --> 00:11:35.879 I don't want anybody to fall and hurt themselves. 00:11:36.120 --> 00:11:39.830 Can you help me clean it? Is that saying exactly 00:11:39.830 --> 00:11:42.429 the same thing? Exactly the same thing. It's 00:11:42.429 --> 00:11:44.070 just about what you've seen, what you've observed. 00:11:44.210 --> 00:11:46.190 Yeah, and without judging or without yelling. 00:11:46.190 --> 00:11:47.990 Without judging, there's no blame, there's no 00:11:47.990 --> 00:11:49.830 shame. I mean, everybody spills milk. Exactly, 00:11:50.090 --> 00:11:51.110 there's no blame or shame. Accidents happen. 00:11:51.269 --> 00:11:52.750 Correct, you just say, hey, this is what I see, 00:11:52.889 --> 00:11:54.389 this is what I'm feeling, this is what I need, 00:11:54.750 --> 00:11:57.090 and I'm making a request, I need some help in 00:11:57.090 --> 00:11:59.610 the kitchen kind of thing, right? So that way, 00:11:59.649 --> 00:12:01.830 we're not blaming and shaming them. But just 00:12:01.830 --> 00:12:04.529 to... Track back a bit on your question. Yes, 00:12:04.730 --> 00:12:06.909 if they're not listening, we want to engage them 00:12:06.909 --> 00:12:09.289 when they're in that calm zone, when their prefrontal 00:12:09.289 --> 00:12:12.090 cortex is engaged. And then we have a conversation 00:12:12.090 --> 00:12:14.429 with them about your concerns, your worries and 00:12:14.429 --> 00:12:16.950 what's happening to them and to yourself and 00:12:16.950 --> 00:12:19.669 how it's affecting the family dynamic. So if 00:12:19.669 --> 00:12:23.250 they're just in a, I'm not going to listen. I 00:12:23.250 --> 00:12:25.610 like to call it the little frenzy. Right. Yes. 00:12:25.870 --> 00:12:28.169 Just say, OK, you know what, we're going to sit 00:12:28.169 --> 00:12:30.659 down for a minute. We're gonna take a few deep 00:12:30.659 --> 00:12:34.019 breaths, and once they've calmed down, then that's 00:12:34.019 --> 00:12:36.320 the time to have the conversation. Exactly, because 00:12:36.320 --> 00:12:38.740 by then, their prefrontal cortex is now re -engaged. 00:12:38.779 --> 00:12:40.919 Their brain is now online, not offline, like 00:12:40.919 --> 00:12:45.279 I say to my kids. And, you know, remember, between 00:12:45.279 --> 00:12:48.399 age 6 and 7 to age 25 to 28... That's a huge 00:12:48.399 --> 00:12:52.840 span there. So we can't expect our six and seven 00:12:52.840 --> 00:12:55.679 and eight year olds to have the same level of 00:12:55.679 --> 00:12:58.980 capacity like our 15 year olds or 18 year olds, 00:12:59.139 --> 00:13:00.940 right? So we have to be mindful of that so that 00:13:00.940 --> 00:13:04.600 we lower our expectations when we communicate 00:13:04.600 --> 00:13:08.100 with them. It's overwhelming to think of, but 00:13:08.100 --> 00:13:11.860 if you start it right from the get go. I think 00:13:11.860 --> 00:13:14.539 it makes it a lot easier. And I think it's a 00:13:14.539 --> 00:13:19.200 lot easier nowadays because when my son was growing 00:13:19.200 --> 00:13:23.259 up, when I first had him, and like I said, he's 00:13:23.259 --> 00:13:27.500 31, we were just starting to change the way that 00:13:27.500 --> 00:13:31.340 parenting was. And that's the thing. What it 00:13:31.340 --> 00:13:33.659 shows is that when we persistently spank our 00:13:33.659 --> 00:13:36.460 kids, for instance, it really does impact their 00:13:36.460 --> 00:13:38.559 child development, their brain development, right? 00:13:38.679 --> 00:13:40.720 It kind of shuts them down because now they're 00:13:40.720 --> 00:13:42.480 afraid. They're afraid to open up to you because 00:13:42.480 --> 00:13:44.840 they're afraid of being judged and shamed and 00:13:44.840 --> 00:13:47.700 blamed and punished. And they're not really learning. 00:13:48.000 --> 00:13:50.340 any skills when we punish them or if we spank 00:13:50.340 --> 00:13:52.879 them. Okay, they spilled the milk. What is spanking 00:13:52.879 --> 00:13:56.259 going to do? It does nothing. Making them clean 00:13:56.259 --> 00:13:59.799 it up. Absolutely. To me, that's more of a punishment 00:13:59.799 --> 00:14:02.740 than spanking them because that's a pain in the 00:14:02.740 --> 00:14:04.779 butt to have to clean that up. But it teaches 00:14:04.779 --> 00:14:07.000 them responsibility and accountability. And they 00:14:07.000 --> 00:14:09.059 know next time, hey, if I spill the milk, rather 00:14:09.059 --> 00:14:10.860 than mommy coming to me, I better just clean 00:14:10.860 --> 00:14:15.340 it up, right? Right. I really like. the fact 00:14:15.340 --> 00:14:18.379 that you are teaching, guiding the children, 00:14:18.740 --> 00:14:22.860 it's helping them to think about things, to understand 00:14:22.860 --> 00:14:26.860 consequences in a nice way, instead of in a, 00:14:26.879 --> 00:14:30.059 this is your consequence kind of way. Yes, yep. 00:14:30.220 --> 00:14:32.879 And the thing is with consequences, so... OK, 00:14:33.000 --> 00:14:34.940 so if your child goes outside without a jacket 00:14:34.940 --> 00:14:37.139 in the winter, there's a natural consequence. 00:14:37.299 --> 00:14:39.259 They're going to probably freeze their butt off, 00:14:39.360 --> 00:14:40.779 and they're going to come back in and get their 00:14:40.779 --> 00:14:43.379 jacket. So we let them figure it out. You go 00:14:43.379 --> 00:14:45.879 out there, you see what happens, and then you're 00:14:45.879 --> 00:14:48.320 going to come in and get your jacket. There's 00:14:48.320 --> 00:14:52.299 also the logical consequences. Let's go back 00:14:52.299 --> 00:14:54.080 to the screen time. When my kids are struggling 00:14:54.080 --> 00:14:56.200 to come off, time is up, the timer goes off, 00:14:56.279 --> 00:14:58.779 because we use timers in our home as well, and 00:14:58.779 --> 00:15:02.090 he's refusing to come off. So every minute you 00:15:02.090 --> 00:15:04.450 go over your time, your allotted time or great 00:15:04.450 --> 00:15:06.690 time, it's going to be deducted from the next 00:15:06.690 --> 00:15:09.690 day. That's a logical consequence because it's 00:15:09.690 --> 00:15:12.889 relatable, it's reasonable, it's realistic. And 00:15:12.889 --> 00:15:15.809 they then learn to manage their time even better. 00:15:15.909 --> 00:15:18.330 So that's a consequence, but it's not a punitive 00:15:18.330 --> 00:15:20.289 one where we say, hey, go to your room, stay 00:15:20.289 --> 00:15:23.629 there until I tell you to come out, right? causes 00:15:23.629 --> 00:15:26.350 them to shut down. And they then become unwilling 00:15:26.350 --> 00:15:28.509 to kind of open up and speak to you and tell 00:15:28.509 --> 00:15:30.389 them what's going on in their mind, what they're 00:15:30.389 --> 00:15:32.350 thinking, what they're feeling, and what they're 00:15:32.350 --> 00:15:34.809 struggling with. But it's also teaching them 00:15:34.809 --> 00:15:38.610 to think ahead. Absolutely. Oh, OK. Yeah, I can 00:15:38.610 --> 00:15:41.570 play this some more. But tomorrow, I'm not going 00:15:41.570 --> 00:15:44.809 to have it. Yeah, yeah. So and then tomorrow, 00:15:45.409 --> 00:15:49.090 what am I going to do? Exactly. OK, you were 00:15:49.090 --> 00:15:52.149 a family law attorney. In fact, you still are. 00:15:52.299 --> 00:15:54.379 I still practice law, yeah, I'm still an attorney. 00:15:54.799 --> 00:15:57.759 Now, what brought on the parenting coaching? 00:15:58.399 --> 00:16:00.360 So that's a great question, thank you for asking. 00:16:01.100 --> 00:16:03.360 I found myself, this was about three years ago, 00:16:03.539 --> 00:16:06.419 I found myself struggling. So I was a struggling 00:16:06.419 --> 00:16:10.120 mom with two young boys. feeling overwhelmed, 00:16:10.580 --> 00:16:12.460 anxious, worried and concerned with having to 00:16:12.460 --> 00:16:16.059 deal with tantrums, the meltdowns, the big emotional 00:16:16.059 --> 00:16:20.100 outbursts with my young son. And being the problem 00:16:20.100 --> 00:16:22.899 -solving lawyer that I am, I went on a quest. 00:16:23.159 --> 00:16:26.019 I went on a quest to find a solution or a fix 00:16:26.019 --> 00:16:28.799 for my son, thinking that something was wrong 00:16:28.799 --> 00:16:31.620 with him. What I discovered, Tracey, was that 00:16:31.620 --> 00:16:35.720 it wasn't about fixing my son, because... What 00:16:35.720 --> 00:16:37.940 I learned was, again, the simple brain science. 00:16:38.360 --> 00:16:41.600 My son's brain, his logical thinking brain, emotional 00:16:41.600 --> 00:16:44.600 regulation brain, had not yet started to develop. 00:16:45.059 --> 00:16:49.519 So that caused a huge, like, relief in me. Oh, 00:16:50.259 --> 00:16:53.200 that's normal. It's normal to have tantrums at 00:16:53.200 --> 00:16:55.320 three and a half years old. It's normal to have 00:16:55.320 --> 00:17:00.360 meltdowns. And what I learned more and more fundamentally 00:17:00.360 --> 00:17:03.899 was that it was about me. learning how to manage 00:17:03.899 --> 00:17:07.099 my emotional triggers. When I started feeling 00:17:07.099 --> 00:17:10.079 frustrated, overwhelmed and anxious because of 00:17:10.079 --> 00:17:13.900 his tantruming, I needed to find my level of 00:17:13.900 --> 00:17:16.480 groundedness and calm. I needed to manage my 00:17:16.480 --> 00:17:19.619 body because growing up no one taught me emotional 00:17:19.619 --> 00:17:22.730 regulation. No one taught me that it's okay to 00:17:22.730 --> 00:17:25.569 feel frustrated. It's okay to feel disappointed 00:17:25.569 --> 00:17:29.029 and angry and sad and the whole range of emotions. 00:17:29.750 --> 00:17:31.809 I'm not sure about you, but we weren't raised 00:17:31.809 --> 00:17:36.410 in an emotionally intelligent way. So now I found 00:17:36.410 --> 00:17:39.049 myself in a position where I'm able to now learn 00:17:39.049 --> 00:17:42.369 to manage my emotions. And I saw the immediate 00:17:42.369 --> 00:17:46.849 shifts with my kids and realized that, hey, the 00:17:46.849 --> 00:17:49.549 more I was able to manage me, They were feeding 00:17:49.549 --> 00:17:51.630 off your energy. Absolutely. So I was able to 00:17:51.630 --> 00:17:54.029 co -regulate with them and lend them my calm. 00:17:54.750 --> 00:17:57.109 And so Tantrum started to de -escalate a bit. 00:17:57.109 --> 00:18:00.230 It wasn't as exclusive as before. And because 00:18:00.230 --> 00:18:02.769 it was working for me and my family, I thought, 00:18:03.049 --> 00:18:06.769 wow, oh my gosh, this is so inspiring. This is 00:18:06.769 --> 00:18:10.230 my purpose. This is my passion. I want to help 00:18:10.230 --> 00:18:13.609 other struggling moms and dads out there who 00:18:13.609 --> 00:18:15.250 think that something's wrong with their kids, 00:18:15.349 --> 00:18:17.349 but really it's about... us learning to manage 00:18:17.349 --> 00:18:21.609 our emotions and our triggers. Now do you work 00:18:21.609 --> 00:18:25.250 with parents one -on -one or are you a speaker 00:18:25.250 --> 00:18:27.829 or is it group settings? How does that work? 00:18:27.990 --> 00:18:31.750 Right so I do one -on -one coaching, I do group 00:18:31.750 --> 00:18:35.049 coaching, I also recently became a positive discipline 00:18:35.049 --> 00:18:38.950 parent educator so that's a new that's like more 00:18:38.950 --> 00:18:41.450 of an experiential type of workshop where the 00:18:41.450 --> 00:18:43.450 parents would come in and we would literally 00:18:43.450 --> 00:18:48.039 do role play so that the parents kind of become 00:18:48.039 --> 00:18:51.000 like their kids. They put themselves in the shoes 00:18:51.000 --> 00:18:54.000 of their child so they can... kind of really 00:18:54.000 --> 00:18:56.259 experience what their child is thinking, feeling 00:18:56.259 --> 00:18:59.339 and deciding to do in the moment. I also do a 00:18:59.339 --> 00:19:03.279 lot of speaking for local agencies and actually 00:19:03.279 --> 00:19:08.200 quite recently I was invited to sit on the Family, 00:19:08.220 --> 00:19:11.960 this is a bit of a mouthful, Family, Wellbeing 00:19:11.960 --> 00:19:16.279 and Family Safety and Wellbeing Community Coordinating 00:19:16.279 --> 00:19:21.240 Committee of the Windsor Essex Children's Aid 00:19:21.240 --> 00:19:25.730 Authority. Wow. So I've been there like three 00:19:25.730 --> 00:19:29.009 months now sitting on their committee. So that 00:19:29.009 --> 00:19:33.390 has given me the opportunity to provide complimentary 00:19:33.390 --> 00:19:37.970 talks as well so that I'm sharing with the community 00:19:37.970 --> 00:19:39.950 and I'm giving back to the community in a way 00:19:39.950 --> 00:19:43.910 which I completely and absolutely love. It's 00:19:43.910 --> 00:19:46.809 so rewarding, Tracey, when you see families transform 00:19:46.809 --> 00:19:49.650 with the work you're doing. Oh, I bet. Right? 00:19:51.109 --> 00:19:54.529 Now I'm also writing in the BizX magazine. I 00:19:54.529 --> 00:19:56.670 actually had like three publications already. 00:19:57.210 --> 00:20:00.190 So that's pretty exciting. So I'm sharing my 00:20:00.190 --> 00:20:02.349 knowledge and my wisdom and my experience through 00:20:02.349 --> 00:20:06.329 my articles. My fourth one will be out in article 00:20:06.329 --> 00:20:09.730 will be out in March. So stay tuned for that. 00:20:10.430 --> 00:20:15.950 How is this form of parenting or parental teaching 00:20:15.950 --> 00:20:21.269 being welcomed in the Windsor area? So Windsor 00:20:21.269 --> 00:20:23.930 -Essex is a very diverse area. So you have a 00:20:23.930 --> 00:20:26.549 lot of people from all walks of life with so 00:20:26.549 --> 00:20:29.670 many different cultural backgrounds, religious 00:20:29.670 --> 00:20:35.589 belief systems. So culturally, it's new for many 00:20:35.589 --> 00:20:38.829 cultures. So it's a new concept to get around 00:20:38.829 --> 00:20:43.369 your head. spank my kids. I shouldn't yell persistently 00:20:43.369 --> 00:20:46.670 at my child because it might cause them to, you 00:20:46.670 --> 00:20:50.369 know, to not develop cognitively like they would 00:20:50.369 --> 00:20:55.289 ordinarily. It's new. It's still evolving, but 00:20:55.289 --> 00:20:58.369 they're open to it. They're willing to learn 00:20:58.369 --> 00:21:00.829 and to listen, which is wonderful because at 00:21:00.829 --> 00:21:03.839 the end of the day, they get to choose. what's 00:21:03.839 --> 00:21:06.339 best for their family. They get to choose what 00:21:06.339 --> 00:21:09.059 aligns with their family values and what works 00:21:09.059 --> 00:21:12.440 and makes sense. So we act as more like facilitators. 00:21:12.480 --> 00:21:15.059 We're here to impart the information and share 00:21:15.059 --> 00:21:17.240 and guide with you. And at the end of the day, 00:21:17.400 --> 00:21:20.059 it's your beautiful children. So you get to make 00:21:20.059 --> 00:21:22.200 the final decision on what works well for you. 00:21:22.559 --> 00:21:25.099 That's wonderful, because that's what I was wondering. 00:21:25.319 --> 00:21:29.920 We are such a culturally diverse area with so 00:21:29.920 --> 00:21:33.700 many different. nationalities, religions, that 00:21:33.700 --> 00:21:37.039 they all have different ways of doing things. 00:21:37.240 --> 00:21:40.039 So that's wonderful that they're all coming together. 00:21:40.500 --> 00:21:44.200 Now, when you started implementing these changes 00:21:44.200 --> 00:21:48.779 in your home, did you find that you were a lot 00:21:48.779 --> 00:21:52.859 less stressed? Oh, my gosh. I can't describe 00:21:52.859 --> 00:21:54.779 it, Tracey. It was literally like a little light 00:21:54.779 --> 00:21:59.650 bulb went on in my head and look. Initially, 00:21:59.869 --> 00:22:02.710 my window of tolerance was like this. Now it's 00:22:02.710 --> 00:22:06.589 like this. I kid you not. Yes, I still lose my 00:22:06.589 --> 00:22:09.789 crap. Yes, I still yell occasionally. Yes, I 00:22:09.789 --> 00:22:13.549 still get frustrated because I'm human. I was 00:22:13.549 --> 00:22:16.180 just going to say that. robot and that's the 00:22:16.180 --> 00:22:18.339 wonderful thing like we get to learn and grow 00:22:18.339 --> 00:22:20.779 with our children it's about transforming ourselves 00:22:20.779 --> 00:22:23.839 and them together so they see the beauty in us 00:22:23.839 --> 00:22:27.359 transforming before their very eyes and they 00:22:27.359 --> 00:22:30.759 realize like hey mom's mom's not perfect that's 00:22:30.759 --> 00:22:33.519 okay I don't need to be perfect either and that's 00:22:33.519 --> 00:22:35.660 great because that's the worst thing about being 00:22:35.660 --> 00:22:39.559 a parent is beating yourself up if if you're 00:22:39.559 --> 00:22:42.940 not doing it right, like how the experts say 00:22:42.940 --> 00:22:46.440 you should do it. I'm breaking my kid and they're 00:22:46.440 --> 00:22:50.859 going to turn up to be like in a gang or in jail 00:22:50.859 --> 00:22:55.299 or something. Yeah. To know that we yell still 00:22:55.299 --> 00:22:59.099 and it's okay. You know what it is Tracy, like 00:22:59.099 --> 00:23:01.240 we are humans, we're not robots, we're not programmed 00:23:01.240 --> 00:23:04.609 to be like one -minded. What it is is about the 00:23:04.609 --> 00:23:06.890 intentionality. We intend to do better. We want 00:23:06.890 --> 00:23:08.609 to do better. We want to learn how to better 00:23:08.609 --> 00:23:11.730 manage our bodies by taking, by pausing ourselves, 00:23:12.109 --> 00:23:13.990 catching ourselves in the moment when we feel 00:23:13.990 --> 00:23:16.529 that sensation rising and we're about to lose 00:23:16.529 --> 00:23:19.369 our calm, like, okay, Jacqueline, pause for a 00:23:19.369 --> 00:23:21.190 moment. You can get through this. You've been 00:23:21.190 --> 00:23:23.490 through this before. You can get through it again. 00:23:24.450 --> 00:23:28.509 Breathe. Ground yourself. Then show up for your 00:23:28.509 --> 00:23:31.329 child as best as you can. in that moment because 00:23:31.329 --> 00:23:34.210 every time it's going to be different and that's 00:23:34.210 --> 00:23:36.950 the beauty because you get to repair. Oh my gosh 00:23:36.950 --> 00:23:41.069 Tracey, like repairing after a rupture. That's 00:23:41.069 --> 00:23:44.609 one of the best tools. We as coaches, we give 00:23:44.609 --> 00:23:47.309 so many tools to parents and offer them so many 00:23:47.309 --> 00:23:51.210 strategies to connect to their kids. Repairing. 00:23:51.769 --> 00:23:54.549 When I've made a mistake, I go up to my kid. 00:23:55.250 --> 00:23:57.569 Like the other day my son was in the living room, 00:23:57.569 --> 00:23:59.740 I was cooking dinner and he hates... Chicken. 00:24:00.579 --> 00:24:02.339 Who hates chicken? Yeah, he hates chicken, but 00:24:02.339 --> 00:24:04.839 he'll eat chicken nuggets. So I was baking some 00:24:04.839 --> 00:24:09.930 chicken. Yeah, I love kids. I know, right? He'll 00:24:09.930 --> 00:24:12.690 have chicken nuggets, but he won't have a nice 00:24:12.690 --> 00:24:15.769 homemade cooked chicken that's baked in healthy 00:24:15.769 --> 00:24:19.069 spices. Oh my god, I hate chicken. And of course, 00:24:19.150 --> 00:24:21.369 I'm exhausted. It's a long day. It's the end 00:24:21.369 --> 00:24:23.049 of the night. I'm like, what the hell? You mean 00:24:23.049 --> 00:24:26.529 I don't like chicken? So I lost my calm. And 00:24:26.529 --> 00:24:29.589 I yelled, right? It's very rare that I would 00:24:29.589 --> 00:24:33.140 really lose it, but I did. I had to calm myself 00:24:33.140 --> 00:24:35.660 down. And then after dinner, I had to go to him 00:24:35.660 --> 00:24:38.140 and say, you know, earlier on when I yelled at 00:24:38.140 --> 00:24:40.619 you, I'm like, I'm really sorry. Mommy lost her 00:24:40.619 --> 00:24:43.140 cool in the moment. And you know that we're working 00:24:43.140 --> 00:24:45.339 together as a family, all of us, to learn to 00:24:45.339 --> 00:24:48.059 manage our triggers and our emotions. And I'm 00:24:48.059 --> 00:24:50.180 trying to do better, as we all are, you, me, 00:24:50.279 --> 00:24:53.079 your dad, and your brothers. And we do a really 00:24:53.079 --> 00:24:55.839 good repair. Yeah. Right? And we say, hey, we 00:24:55.839 --> 00:24:59.289 make amends. And they... I appreciate that. It's 00:24:59.289 --> 00:25:02.569 so game -changing, Tracy, doing that repair in 00:25:02.569 --> 00:25:06.170 a sincere way. Well, and especially when you're 00:25:06.170 --> 00:25:09.670 not usually a yeller. And that's the thing, Tracy, 00:25:09.829 --> 00:25:12.230 we don't need to place so much pressure on ourselves 00:25:12.230 --> 00:25:15.089 to be this perfect parent. It's like there's 00:25:15.089 --> 00:25:17.910 this parenting myth that we must always be perfect 00:25:17.910 --> 00:25:20.869 and do right by our children 24 -7. It's just 00:25:20.869 --> 00:25:24.730 not realistic. No. It's just not realistic. So 00:25:24.730 --> 00:25:27.309 there's no such thing as a perfect parent, including 00:25:27.309 --> 00:25:30.490 myself. I mess up all the time. What I do is 00:25:30.490 --> 00:25:33.089 I try to make amends. I apologise. I'm sincere. 00:25:33.210 --> 00:25:35.349 I'm open. I'm honest. I have conversation and 00:25:35.349 --> 00:25:37.210 dialogue, and that's what we do. And a lot of 00:25:37.210 --> 00:25:39.990 the mums that we work with and that I've actually 00:25:39.990 --> 00:25:44.190 helped through coaching, for them doing the repair 00:25:44.190 --> 00:25:47.710 part has been the most game -changing part of 00:25:47.710 --> 00:25:51.059 parenting with intentionality and purpose. Now, 00:25:51.279 --> 00:25:55.259 I'm looking on the paper because this is completely 00:25:55.259 --> 00:25:59.359 new to me, so I appreciate the heck out of you 00:25:59.359 --> 00:26:03.440 sending me some topics because I only had the 00:26:03.440 --> 00:26:05.579 one child, so I wouldn't even have thought of 00:26:05.579 --> 00:26:09.160 this. Now, how do you handle sibling rivalry? 00:26:10.680 --> 00:26:14.839 Oh my gosh. Especially without killing them both. 00:26:15.839 --> 00:26:18.690 So, three boys. Imagine that. Not one, not two, 00:26:18.710 --> 00:26:20.369 but three. I'm like, God, you know best. When 00:26:20.369 --> 00:26:22.230 you gave me three boys, you knew exactly what 00:26:22.230 --> 00:26:23.849 you were doing. Well, I'm still trying to figure 00:26:23.849 --> 00:26:25.589 it out. Or what did I do wrong? Or what did I 00:26:25.589 --> 00:26:30.410 do wrong? Because I still, my mother bought pink 00:26:30.410 --> 00:26:32.490 stuff for my kids. When she first found out that 00:26:32.490 --> 00:26:34.509 I was pregnant, she bought like pink teddy bears. 00:26:34.950 --> 00:26:37.089 And with my third son, she finally gave them 00:26:37.089 --> 00:26:43.470 away. So I said, three boys, okay. But for my 00:26:43.470 --> 00:26:44.849 three boys, I wouldn't be sitting here today, 00:26:44.990 --> 00:26:48.720 Tracy. because it's because of them I chose to 00:26:48.720 --> 00:26:50.960 lead this path that I'm in and to be here to 00:26:50.960 --> 00:26:54.519 help other struggling mums. Sibling rivalry is 00:26:54.519 --> 00:26:58.240 a big thing in our home because we have three 00:26:58.240 --> 00:27:00.599 different boys with different personalities with 00:27:00.599 --> 00:27:03.700 different wants and needs and beliefs and thoughts 00:27:03.700 --> 00:27:09.180 and different ages as well. Traditionally, and 00:27:09.180 --> 00:27:12.819 I'm thinking about of my childhood as well, parents 00:27:12.819 --> 00:27:15.440 would jump in to save the younger one. from the 00:27:15.440 --> 00:27:18.200 older one because the younger one needs protecting. 00:27:18.259 --> 00:27:20.259 In our mind, we're thinking, oh, I need to rescue 00:27:20.259 --> 00:27:22.279 my little one. He's going to be hurt by my older 00:27:22.279 --> 00:27:25.279 son. But when we do that, Tracy, like what the 00:27:25.279 --> 00:27:28.200 science shows is that we're essentially taking 00:27:28.200 --> 00:27:31.740 sides. So we're causing a rift or disconnect. 00:27:31.960 --> 00:27:34.579 And that's why people always say the babies are 00:27:34.579 --> 00:27:37.819 the favorites. Right. But what we want to do 00:27:37.819 --> 00:27:40.420 is we want to basically show that we're there 00:27:40.420 --> 00:27:43.690 for everyone. What I like to say is put yourself 00:27:43.690 --> 00:27:46.869 in the shoes of a mediator, a middleman. So you're 00:27:46.869 --> 00:27:49.710 going in there. If there's a big physical fight, 00:27:49.809 --> 00:27:52.490 which happens still in my home, we want to jump 00:27:52.490 --> 00:27:55.309 in obviously to an extent if they can't figure 00:27:55.309 --> 00:27:57.190 it out themselves. But ultimately we want them 00:27:57.190 --> 00:27:58.849 to figure it out themselves, right? But if there's 00:27:58.849 --> 00:28:00.869 a big physical fight, I'm just giving an example, 00:28:00.970 --> 00:28:04.710 my son's fight. Part of them first of all, so 00:28:04.710 --> 00:28:07.490 their safety. I'm going to hear you and I'm going 00:28:07.490 --> 00:28:10.539 to hear you. when you're calm, because in that 00:28:10.539 --> 00:28:12.980 moment, their brain, again, is offline, they're 00:28:12.980 --> 00:28:16.140 thinking from the emotional brain. So when they've 00:28:16.140 --> 00:28:17.720 calmed down, I want to hear what you've got to 00:28:17.720 --> 00:28:19.099 say, I want to hear what you've got to say, and 00:28:19.099 --> 00:28:21.579 then we'll hear each other. So we're guiding 00:28:21.579 --> 00:28:23.519 them through to explaining what they were thinking 00:28:23.519 --> 00:28:25.779 and feeling in that moment when they're fighting 00:28:25.779 --> 00:28:28.839 physically. So we're not taking the sides, we're 00:28:28.839 --> 00:28:31.000 not blaming and shaming anyone, we're not saying 00:28:31.000 --> 00:28:32.740 you're the bully, or we're not saying you're 00:28:32.740 --> 00:28:36.440 the victim. We're saying we need to work together. 00:28:37.250 --> 00:28:40.329 I understand what you're feeling and thinking. 00:28:40.849 --> 00:28:43.089 Let's talk this through. It's generally the approach 00:28:43.089 --> 00:28:47.369 we want to take. Back in the day, you always 00:28:47.369 --> 00:28:50.630 had the oldest one was always... kind of treated 00:28:50.630 --> 00:28:53.210 like crap because they were the oldest. They 00:28:53.210 --> 00:28:56.089 should have known better. And then you have the 00:28:56.089 --> 00:28:58.349 middle one that's usually ignored so they can 00:28:58.349 --> 00:29:01.069 slide under the radar and get away with things. 00:29:01.509 --> 00:29:04.309 And then you also have the baby that everybody 00:29:04.309 --> 00:29:06.650 favored because everybody else was picking on 00:29:06.650 --> 00:29:11.269 the baby. So then they would act out. And a lot 00:29:11.269 --> 00:29:14.059 of times they didn't. I found that they didn't 00:29:14.059 --> 00:29:17.519 know how to cope because somebody was always 00:29:17.519 --> 00:29:21.559 taking care of them and this way you are creating 00:29:21.559 --> 00:29:25.460 three strong independent individuals that are 00:29:25.460 --> 00:29:29.119 able to sort things out including the baby of 00:29:29.119 --> 00:29:31.920 the family. Absolutely because ultimately we 00:29:31.920 --> 00:29:35.200 want them to learn how to resolve their own issues. 00:29:35.279 --> 00:29:37.519 When they go into the big wide world they've 00:29:37.519 --> 00:29:39.690 got to resolve their issues. They can't come 00:29:39.690 --> 00:29:41.789 to me or to you necessarily in the moment when 00:29:41.789 --> 00:29:44.009 they're in a pickle. They're going to have to 00:29:44.009 --> 00:29:45.490 figure it out. They're going to have to resolve 00:29:45.490 --> 00:29:47.829 it. So we want to guide them through to learn 00:29:47.829 --> 00:29:50.329 the skills, the social and life skills, to figure 00:29:50.329 --> 00:29:52.769 things out and solve it for themselves ultimately. 00:29:53.230 --> 00:29:56.509 So we give them that space to do that ultimately 00:29:56.509 --> 00:29:59.529 without anyone feeling like I'm the bad person. 00:29:59.630 --> 00:30:01.930 Mommy's always picking on me or he's always the 00:30:01.930 --> 00:30:04.490 goody two shoe. No, I'm not taking sides. Sorry. 00:30:04.509 --> 00:30:06.910 And I say that to my boys. And that's what I 00:30:06.910 --> 00:30:11.000 teach moms. Hey. Well then, I'm here as a mediator, 00:30:11.059 --> 00:30:13.740 so I'm not taking your side or your side. I'm 00:30:13.740 --> 00:30:15.420 here to help you sort it out if you can't sort 00:30:15.420 --> 00:30:17.839 it out yourself. So next time you can do it better. 00:30:18.380 --> 00:30:21.900 How do you go about saying, okay, you were the 00:30:21.900 --> 00:30:25.279 one who started it without pointing that out 00:30:25.279 --> 00:30:29.140 and making them feel like the bad person? Absolutely, 00:30:29.220 --> 00:30:32.279 that's a great question. This is always my kids 00:30:32.279 --> 00:30:35.319 and most other kids and parents would attest 00:30:35.319 --> 00:30:37.700 to that we've worked with. There's always the 00:30:37.700 --> 00:30:39.859 one kid who grabs the toy from the other kid. 00:30:39.920 --> 00:30:41.680 That's like a common thing that happens in the 00:30:41.680 --> 00:30:46.140 home. Always. Always. Grab your toy. Usually 00:30:46.140 --> 00:30:50.599 either the baby's going, I want it, or the bigger 00:30:50.599 --> 00:30:55.660 one, this is mine. Right. So, hey, I saw you 00:30:55.660 --> 00:30:59.039 take your brother's toy. I understand you want 00:30:59.039 --> 00:31:02.869 to use it. But there's a better way. You can 00:31:02.869 --> 00:31:05.329 say to your brother, hey, Jaxi, can I take a 00:31:05.329 --> 00:31:08.410 turn, for instance? So I'm teaching them what 00:31:08.410 --> 00:31:11.069 to say, how to express what they're thinking 00:31:11.069 --> 00:31:13.609 and what they're needing from their brother so 00:31:13.609 --> 00:31:16.970 that next time, right, that they know how to 00:31:16.970 --> 00:31:19.170 approach the situation rather than grabbing and 00:31:19.170 --> 00:31:22.390 running away and ha, ha, ha, Jaxi may have a 00:31:22.390 --> 00:31:25.670 turn, my turn, yeah? And if it doesn't work and 00:31:25.670 --> 00:31:29.160 the... We start over again. We keep doing it. 00:31:29.480 --> 00:31:32.299 So yes, it takes time. Yes, it's a lot of patience. 00:31:33.160 --> 00:31:35.599 But you know what, Tracy? It really does work 00:31:35.599 --> 00:31:38.140 in the end. Because the other day, my boys were 00:31:38.140 --> 00:31:42.000 making a camp. And I heard my older son say to 00:31:42.000 --> 00:31:44.480 my middle son, hey, Geo, I love you. Good night. 00:31:44.880 --> 00:31:47.880 Aw. Right? So when we think that they're fighting 00:31:47.880 --> 00:31:51.299 constantly and they're not learning and they're 00:31:51.299 --> 00:31:56.220 just not connecting, they really are. Because 00:31:56.220 --> 00:31:58.839 for him to say, I love you, there was a connection 00:31:58.839 --> 00:32:01.259 there between them. Well, and that's the thing 00:32:01.259 --> 00:32:04.460 as well, is when you have more than one kid, 00:32:05.400 --> 00:32:08.880 you're only seeing when they're hollering at 00:32:08.880 --> 00:32:10.740 each other or when they're fighting. You're not 00:32:10.740 --> 00:32:13.319 seeing the quiet time when they're probably working 00:32:13.319 --> 00:32:15.819 together. Exactly. Because they fight and they 00:32:15.819 --> 00:32:18.519 make up and they play. They're kids. How about 00:32:18.519 --> 00:32:21.440 what just happened? I'm jumping in to try to 00:32:21.440 --> 00:32:24.420 solve and like I'm looking like the fool. You 00:32:24.420 --> 00:32:27.119 guys are perfectly okay. Step back until somebody 00:32:27.119 --> 00:32:29.720 cries. Correct. Exactly. And even if they cry, 00:32:30.119 --> 00:32:32.980 I just give them the space to let them figure 00:32:32.980 --> 00:32:36.220 it out. If they fight in the car and we're driving, 00:32:36.740 --> 00:32:38.759 one thing I've done before in the past is I'm 00:32:38.759 --> 00:32:40.660 like, if you guys want to fight, we could pull 00:32:40.660 --> 00:32:43.480 over. I'm going to pull over and I've done it. 00:32:43.700 --> 00:32:45.380 Mommy's here. I'm going to listen to my music. 00:32:45.579 --> 00:32:48.250 I'm going to... pull a magazine up or scroll 00:32:48.250 --> 00:32:51.250 on my phone or whatever, when you're ready, let 00:32:51.250 --> 00:32:54.210 me know and then we'll get moving. And it works. 00:32:55.049 --> 00:32:58.769 Every man stops writing. I did that to my son 00:32:58.769 --> 00:33:02.670 and his friend was in. My son was just being 00:33:02.670 --> 00:33:06.109 a typical child, but he had hit my last serve 00:33:06.109 --> 00:33:09.849 and I'm like, okay, if you don't stop, then I'm 00:33:09.849 --> 00:33:11.990 gonna pull over the car and you're gonna have 00:33:11.990 --> 00:33:15.619 to get out. I can't drive like this anymore. 00:33:16.619 --> 00:33:19.420 And ha ha ha, mom's not going to do that until 00:33:19.420 --> 00:33:22.400 I literally pulled over. And all of a sudden 00:33:22.400 --> 00:33:25.380 it was, I didn't obviously kick them out of the 00:33:25.380 --> 00:33:28.640 car, but it got quiet the rest of the way home. 00:33:28.660 --> 00:33:31.900 Yeah, exactly. And you know what? That's not 00:33:31.900 --> 00:33:35.539 punishment. No, it's showing a consequence. It's 00:33:35.539 --> 00:33:38.140 logical. Hey, I can't drive because it's not 00:33:38.140 --> 00:33:40.099 safe for me to drive when you guys are fighting 00:33:40.099 --> 00:33:41.859 back there or something's happening back there. 00:33:43.039 --> 00:33:45.240 concentration or I'm being disturbed, right? 00:33:45.299 --> 00:33:47.480 So this is what we're going to do. So everyone's 00:33:47.480 --> 00:33:49.519 safe. We're going to pull over. If you guys want 00:33:49.519 --> 00:33:51.900 to fight, you can go outside and fight. I've 00:33:51.900 --> 00:33:53.920 said that to them in the past. Do you think they're 00:33:53.920 --> 00:33:59.279 going to go outside and fight? No, no one's fighting 00:33:59.279 --> 00:34:02.500 anymore. All of a sudden they love each other. 00:34:02.740 --> 00:34:07.500 Absolutely. Absolutely. Okay. Now how I'm one 00:34:07.500 --> 00:34:11.019 of the few questions left. How do you handle 00:34:11.019 --> 00:34:15.199 bedtime? Okay. Because you always got a kid that 00:34:15.199 --> 00:34:16.900 don't want to go to bed. Go to bed, yeah. Much 00:34:16.900 --> 00:34:19.480 higher. Bedtime struggles and morning struggles 00:34:19.480 --> 00:34:21.460 too. It's pretty much the same actually, right, 00:34:21.500 --> 00:34:24.659 if you think about it. Bedtime routines can be 00:34:24.659 --> 00:34:26.840 a struggle for us in my home, but we've gotten 00:34:26.840 --> 00:34:30.530 a lot better because we have times. Not every 00:34:30.530 --> 00:34:32.289 family is different, Tracey, because everyone's 00:34:32.289 --> 00:34:34.190 got all sorts of things going on after school. 00:34:34.369 --> 00:34:37.289 You have hockey and you've got football and you've 00:34:37.289 --> 00:34:39.170 got gymnastics and you've got swimming and the 00:34:39.170 --> 00:34:41.550 whole range of music. And we have quite a few 00:34:41.550 --> 00:34:44.210 with the three boys. So every day it's different. 00:34:44.469 --> 00:34:48.829 It's never the same every single day, but there 00:34:48.829 --> 00:34:51.769 is like a general sort of pattern. We come home, 00:34:52.170 --> 00:34:56.019 we unwind for a bit, so we plan ahead. We come 00:34:56.019 --> 00:34:58.019 home, guys. OK, we're going to unwind for like 00:34:58.019 --> 00:35:00.619 20 minutes. Then we're going to go out if you 00:35:00.619 --> 00:35:02.500 want to divide. So this is the thing. In our 00:35:02.500 --> 00:35:04.920 home, we have no device time on Tuesdays, Thursdays, 00:35:04.960 --> 00:35:08.440 and Sundays. So I mean, it's up to the parent 00:35:08.440 --> 00:35:10.440 to have if they want to have that kind of strategy. 00:35:10.940 --> 00:35:13.119 That's what we do. So on Tuesdays, we come home, 00:35:13.260 --> 00:35:16.360 we unwind for half an hour, we sit and we have 00:35:16.360 --> 00:35:19.239 a snack together. Then we get ready, we go to 00:35:19.239 --> 00:35:21.760 martial arts. We come home, we know we get home 00:35:21.760 --> 00:35:23.739 at seven o 'clock. So between seven and eight, 00:35:23.820 --> 00:35:25.420 these are the things we've got to do. So we have 00:35:25.420 --> 00:35:28.719 to have organization. Oh yeah. We've got it. 00:35:28.940 --> 00:35:32.179 So we're counting down the time with them. Timers, 00:35:32.320 --> 00:35:34.659 oh my gosh. When we were growing up, there was 00:35:34.659 --> 00:35:37.820 no such thing as a timer. But time is now. They're 00:35:37.820 --> 00:35:40.340 so game changing. And that's the thing, like 00:35:40.340 --> 00:35:42.699 now, because of the technology, there's so much 00:35:42.699 --> 00:35:44.659 in your face. They don't know time. Right, so 00:35:44.659 --> 00:35:46.179 that's where you have to come in with the timers 00:35:46.179 --> 00:35:47.860 and the clocks and remind them, OK, this is the 00:35:47.860 --> 00:35:50.179 time we're coming off our devices. If you're 00:35:50.179 --> 00:35:53.199 doing device time, then it's shower time, bath 00:35:53.199 --> 00:35:55.980 time. And the last 30 minutes before the bedtime, 00:35:56.159 --> 00:35:58.360 whatever your bedtime is, whether it's 8, 8 .39, 00:35:59.099 --> 00:36:00.880 the last half an hour, we really want to make 00:36:00.880 --> 00:36:03.780 it. the environment conducive for sleep. So the 00:36:03.780 --> 00:36:07.519 story time, the light music, as in calming music, 00:36:08.079 --> 00:36:10.420 the dim lights, that sort of thing. And of course, 00:36:10.539 --> 00:36:12.480 the kids still want to jump. My kids always still 00:36:12.480 --> 00:36:15.260 want to jump around on the bed the last 10 minutes 00:36:15.260 --> 00:36:17.460 before they go to bed. So they're jumping on 00:36:17.460 --> 00:36:21.000 the bed. And my thing is, hey, guys, in five 00:36:21.000 --> 00:36:24.260 minutes, the lights are coming off. Mommy's feeling 00:36:24.260 --> 00:36:27.719 really tired. I need to go to bed so that I can 00:36:27.719 --> 00:36:30.929 rejuvenate for tomorrow. to look after myself 00:36:30.929 --> 00:36:33.750 and you. We don't want a tired mommy. Right, 00:36:34.130 --> 00:36:36.650 I need, you need to help me to help you. Yep, 00:36:36.750 --> 00:36:38.750 so in five minutes I'm gonna take those lights 00:36:38.750 --> 00:36:40.789 off and then we're gonna snuggle together. Mm 00:36:40.789 --> 00:36:44.630 -hmm. I kid you not Tracy. Five minutes the lights 00:36:44.630 --> 00:36:47.070 are off, every man's in his bed, everyone's snuggling 00:36:47.070 --> 00:36:52.170 and end of story. So there's less and less and 00:36:52.170 --> 00:36:54.849 less bedtime struggles. It's that calm down time 00:36:54.849 --> 00:36:56.989 they need it. Exactly. You just need to have 00:36:56.989 --> 00:37:00.210 the organisation in place and just literally 00:37:00.210 --> 00:37:02.610 your timing with them. Of course it's different 00:37:02.610 --> 00:37:05.570 every single day. There are days when it's Friday 00:37:05.570 --> 00:37:09.230 night. We don't need to be so rigid or so inflexible, 00:37:09.489 --> 00:37:11.190 or Saturday night, but of course at school nights 00:37:11.190 --> 00:37:13.269 we want to have that structure in place and stick 00:37:13.269 --> 00:37:16.909 to it and be as consistent about it. I mean, 00:37:16.909 --> 00:37:20.230 they look forward to the weekend time. Oh, yeah, 00:37:20.409 --> 00:37:23.510 we can stay up a little later. Back then it was 00:37:23.510 --> 00:37:26.829 OK. This show is on a half an hour after normal 00:37:26.829 --> 00:37:30.269 bedtime. Yeah. So yeah, you can watch it. Yeah. 00:37:30.349 --> 00:37:33.570 But if you've misbehaved during the week, there's 00:37:33.570 --> 00:37:37.449 none. There is none. And, you know, nine times 00:37:37.449 --> 00:37:39.969 out of 10, that worked because that was the favorite 00:37:39.969 --> 00:37:46.099 show. Now, do you have books that? you could 00:37:46.099 --> 00:37:49.559 suggest to people to read, or do you think it's 00:37:49.559 --> 00:37:53.179 better for them to talk? Because I'm more of 00:37:53.179 --> 00:37:57.139 a talker than a reader. Absolutely. So I offer 00:37:57.139 --> 00:38:00.059 complementary connection calls if someone is 00:38:00.059 --> 00:38:02.809 wanting some support, and they may... benefit 00:38:02.809 --> 00:38:06.550 from coaching. They can contact me on my website 00:38:06.550 --> 00:38:10.869 it's www .jaclynpcheng .com and it's a bit of 00:38:10.869 --> 00:38:16.630 a mouthful but it's j -a -c -q -u -e -l -i -n 00:38:16.630 --> 00:38:22.789 -e -p -c -h -e -n -g dot com and they can contact 00:38:22.789 --> 00:38:25.789 me there. I'm also on Instagram and Facebook 00:38:25.789 --> 00:38:28.289 so they can contact me there and make connection 00:38:28.289 --> 00:38:31.880 that way. Yes, when I was training to become 00:38:31.880 --> 00:38:33.559 a parenting coach, there were some basic books 00:38:33.559 --> 00:38:37.780 that I used, which helped me. But putting it 00:38:37.780 --> 00:38:40.239 into practice, that's where the support and the 00:38:40.239 --> 00:38:43.920 guidance comes in from a coach. There are times 00:38:43.920 --> 00:38:46.280 when some parents I've met with, I've worked 00:38:46.280 --> 00:38:50.300 with, they have real, like, major childhood trauma. 00:38:51.019 --> 00:38:54.719 and they need clinical support. So we will refer 00:38:54.719 --> 00:38:56.960 and work with a therapist also. So you'll find 00:38:56.960 --> 00:38:59.679 like therapists and coaches often work hand in 00:38:59.679 --> 00:39:02.860 hand because we are very focused on present and 00:39:02.860 --> 00:39:06.539 future tools, strategies and guidance to support 00:39:06.539 --> 00:39:09.940 the parents in their parenting. But if they need 00:39:09.940 --> 00:39:12.619 that kind of clinical support, then we would 00:39:12.619 --> 00:39:14.860 connect them with therapists so they can get 00:39:14.860 --> 00:39:17.539 that kind of support because a lot of the times 00:39:17.539 --> 00:39:19.820 what's coming up for us in terms of triggers, 00:39:20.590 --> 00:39:23.889 stems from our childhood, Tracey. Our own childhood 00:39:23.889 --> 00:39:26.889 experiences and memories, which aren't often 00:39:26.889 --> 00:39:30.329 good ones. And I think that's great to... Yeah, 00:39:30.329 --> 00:39:32.710 you have to fix you. Yeah. And that's the one 00:39:32.710 --> 00:39:36.010 thing I always said, in order to be a good parent, 00:39:36.030 --> 00:39:39.050 you have to be a happy person. Absolutely. If 00:39:39.050 --> 00:39:41.789 you're not fulfilled, if your bucket isn't overflowing, 00:39:41.929 --> 00:39:45.010 how can you give to your kids? When you are depleted, 00:39:45.090 --> 00:39:48.300 when you are burnt out... There's no way you 00:39:48.300 --> 00:39:50.400 can show up for your kids the way you want to 00:39:50.400 --> 00:39:53.000 or the way that they need you to. So we need 00:39:53.000 --> 00:39:54.480 to take care of us, and that's a really big thing. 00:39:54.980 --> 00:39:58.719 If there's anything that most parents take away 00:39:58.719 --> 00:40:02.239 from their sessions is self -care or self -preservation. 00:40:02.599 --> 00:40:06.539 It's essential, like totally and utterly. Whatever 00:40:06.539 --> 00:40:08.579 works for you, reading, journaling, listening 00:40:08.579 --> 00:40:11.500 to music, dancing, having a cup of tea in silence 00:40:11.500 --> 00:40:13.980 with yourself, going for a walk, a jog, going 00:40:13.980 --> 00:40:16.860 to the gym. Anything that brings you joy and 00:40:16.860 --> 00:40:20.420 helps you to kind of feel rejuvenated and helps 00:40:20.420 --> 00:40:22.940 to reset your nervous system, because it's all 00:40:22.940 --> 00:40:25.739 about our nervous system. Oh, it's insane. You 00:40:25.739 --> 00:40:29.380 need to feed you. Absolutely. Exactly. Being 00:40:29.380 --> 00:40:32.280 a single parent. There was one night a week that 00:40:32.280 --> 00:40:35.500 my son went to either my mom's or my grandma's 00:40:35.500 --> 00:40:38.579 house for the night, whether I went out and did 00:40:38.579 --> 00:40:42.599 anything or I just sat at home in silence. It 00:40:42.599 --> 00:40:47.619 was so nice and it helped me really just. If 00:40:47.619 --> 00:40:49.639 I wanted to stay up late nine times out of 10, 00:40:49.739 --> 00:40:52.500 I fell asleep at the normal bedtime anyway. Yeah. 00:40:52.599 --> 00:40:55.019 But I actually got sleep. Absolutely. And that's 00:40:55.019 --> 00:40:56.639 one of the things that most moms complain about, 00:40:56.659 --> 00:40:59.699 not getting enough sleep and not having the support 00:40:59.699 --> 00:41:02.719 or the help. So one piece of advice I would give 00:41:02.719 --> 00:41:05.039 to moms who are suffering in that way is to get 00:41:05.039 --> 00:41:08.940 support, get community, get connected with other 00:41:08.940 --> 00:41:12.519 moms out there who are struggling. Contact me. 00:41:12.559 --> 00:41:14.599 In fact, what I would want to say is like the... 00:41:14.480 --> 00:41:17.320 I would love to offer one family in the Windsor 00:41:17.320 --> 00:41:20.460 -Essex area a free coaching session. So if any 00:41:20.460 --> 00:41:23.719 one of them reaches out to me, the first person 00:41:23.719 --> 00:41:26.280 to reach out to me, the first family, I would 00:41:26.280 --> 00:41:28.880 be very happy and be honoured to give them a 00:41:28.880 --> 00:41:31.920 free coaching session. That's wonderful. Thank 00:41:31.920 --> 00:41:35.320 you so much, Jacqueline. I honestly learned a 00:41:35.320 --> 00:41:38.940 lot, even though... I'm not a parent. You are. 00:41:38.980 --> 00:41:41.900 I'm still a parent, but not of young kids, but 00:41:41.900 --> 00:41:44.599 I'm sure there'll be grandchildren coming up, 00:41:45.460 --> 00:41:50.519 and it'll be easier to support. my children in 00:41:50.519 --> 00:41:54.119 their venture to motherhood, fatherhood. Yeah, 00:41:54.320 --> 00:41:57.400 absolutely. Wonderful. And I appreciate you so 00:41:57.400 --> 00:42:01.300 much. And again, this is Jacqueline P. Chang, 00:42:02.000 --> 00:42:06.460 who is family law. And also, what is your title 00:42:06.460 --> 00:42:10.900 again? Parenting coach and a positive discipline 00:42:10.900 --> 00:42:15.880 parent educator. Necessary. It is necessary because 00:42:15.880 --> 00:42:20.650 I feel that if I had you. I probably wouldn't 00:42:20.650 --> 00:42:22.769 have had all the gray hairs that I cover up. 00:42:23.250 --> 00:42:26.809 Oh, trust me. There's a lot of money monthly 00:42:26.809 --> 00:42:30.829 for this. I've got a few too there, Tracey. Thank 00:42:30.829 --> 00:42:32.829 you. Thank you so much for having me. Actually, 00:42:32.829 --> 00:42:34.670 I'm really delighted to have been here and to 00:42:34.670 --> 00:42:37.630 share my experiences and how it's worked for 00:42:37.630 --> 00:42:39.570 me and for other parents that I've worked with. 00:42:40.090 --> 00:42:42.409 And it really is, you know, this type of approach 00:42:42.409 --> 00:42:46.250 parenting, which is connection -based. That's 00:42:46.250 --> 00:42:48.070 what it is. It's just really connection -based. 00:42:48.920 --> 00:42:53.659 Honestly, it sounds very easy once you start 00:42:53.659 --> 00:42:55.980 implementing it. And that's the thing. We've 00:42:55.980 --> 00:42:59.539 got to start somewhere. Small steps. Celebrate 00:42:59.539 --> 00:43:01.639 every single win, small or large. And that's 00:43:01.639 --> 00:43:04.239 what I say to my parents, like, just baby steps. 00:43:04.679 --> 00:43:07.360 You don't have to transform your entire parenting 00:43:07.360 --> 00:43:09.739 overnight. It's going to take... I'm still on 00:43:09.739 --> 00:43:12.099 my journey, Tracy, three years down the line, 00:43:12.260 --> 00:43:14.639 and that's okay. Because we learn and we grow 00:43:14.639 --> 00:43:17.219 with our children, and that's the beauty of parenting. 00:43:17.530 --> 00:43:20.789 For sure. My name is Tracy Martens, and I want 00:43:20.789 --> 00:43:23.269 to thank you for joining me for another episode 00:43:23.269 --> 00:43:27.170 of YQGM Bloom. I hope you guys all have a wonderful 00:43:27.170 --> 00:43:27.510 day.