Are you a parent? Do you sometimes struggle hoping
that you haven't broken your kid? We've all been
there. And today's guest on YQG In Bloom is an
empowering parent expert, family law attorney,
and transformational speaker, Jacqueline Cheng.
Hi. Thank you, Tracy. I'm so happy to be here
today. I'm so happy that you're here too. Happy
that I got that in one take. That's a lot. I've
never heard of an empowered parenting expert.
Right. Can you explain to us what that is? OK,
so I'm actually an empowered parenting coach.
So that's one of the things that I do alongside
being an attorney and a positive discipline parent
educator. That's also a mouthful. I know. So
the type of coaching that I do, it's really very
transformative. What we focus on really is working
with parents to empower them. So you're working
with a parent to empower the mom and the dad
to become the leader in their home. So they lead
by example. That's really in a nub what it's
all about. It's also about breaking the parenting
cycle. Because from when I was growing up, you
were growing up, my parents growing up. things
have changed and evolved. Our knowledge of parenting
has evolved, so it's a hard pattern to break
when that's all you know. Absolutely. And you
know, you hit the nail on the head there, Tracy,
because for many of us, we grew up in a very
sort of power over parent style of parenting
where our parents were like, do as I say. You
don't speak unless you're spoken to. And there
was like the harsh... The very harsh punishment
met it out to you when you were being defiant
or you were found to be misbehaving. So a lot
of us had that very harsh way of parenting. And
what the science shows, Tracy, is that that sort
of very harsh way of parenting, which really
is a punishment, really. It doesn't really serve
the child long term. It actually impedes their
brain development. So this new way of parenting,
the modern way, what we're focused on in terms
of empowered parenting is really about creating
an emotional connection with you and your child
so that you can guide them through. And we're
not allowing them to run amok. We do discipline
them, but we discipline them in non -punitive
ways so that we... teach them, we guide them.
They're still essentially a student, because
if you think about the root word of discipline,
it's a disciple. And what's a disciple? A student.
So how do we treat with our students? We guide,
we support, and we teach them. But we teach them
to take responsibility and accountability when
they mess up. We teach them about learning coping
skills, emotional regulation. We teach them how
to problem solve their way through solutions
so that next time they can do better basically.
It's very overwhelming being a parent. Oh yes.
And I couldn't imagine being a parent nowadays
where we have the internet and there's this huge
thing about screen time and I know that's a battle
for many parents. How do you suggest that they
handle that? So even in my home, I would admit
that screen time battles is a thing. I have three
boys, a nine -year -old, a six -year -old, and
a four -year -old. So for us in the positive
discipline world, what we focus on doing is helping
our children to take responsibility for their
actions, guiding them through so that they can
manage their time better. And rather than saying,
hey, if you don't come off your device now, you're
grounded for the week in terms of no device time,
What we want to do and the kind of approach we
take really is one where we say, hey, I get it.
I know you want to be on the device all day long.
Wouldn't it be lovely? And the device time is
over. So what we're doing is we're showing them
kindness and firmness at the same time, which
we're empathizing. I get it. I understand. And
time is over. And that's where you place the
boundary. Time's over. If you are struggling.
And even up to yesterday, my sons were struggling.
And I reminded them that it's over. If you're
struggling to come off, I'm going to come over
there and I'm going to have to help you with
your struggle by taking a device away from you.
So that's what we want to do. We want to be clear
and consistent with our boundary settings, so
to speak, but still showing empathy and understanding
for where they are. Because it's like reading
a juicy, watching a juicy movie, Tracy. You want
to finish it. Exactly. Correct. That's where
I think. The devices are harmful to me for the
kids, because when I was like, my son, he's going
to be 31. And you didn't have a device for in
the car. Yes. And to keep them quiet while you're
driving somewhere, you turned on the radio or
you talk to them, you sang to them. They had
their toys. They had their books. And now it
just seems that. That is what parents use, a
device, a device in the car to keep them quiet,
a device here, device there. That's a really
valid point. You have to really be, and it's
sad to say you have to be like a police over
them sometimes because there's so much stuff
that goes on in the internet world and social
media online that you've got to manage what they're
watching to a large degree and it must be age
appropriate. But we also want them to know that,
hey, you've got to take responsibility. So if
there are no shorts, like for instance with my
boys, the rule is there's no shorts to be watched
on YouTube. So we would be around and ever so
often if they're on shorts on YouTube, we would
gently remind them that, hey, if you're struggling,
I'm going to have to come over there and change
it for you. And you give them the choice. It's
about trying to show them that we understand
how they feel. We understand you want to do this
and it feels great in the moment to watch these
inappropriate things and it's not suitable. So
I'm going to have to come over and help you to
get off it without the punishment, without grabbing
it from you necessarily. If I have to and I have
to like guide you off it, I would. But yeah,
those words, if we start using those kinds of
words from now, what we're doing is we're building
the empathy level. We're growing. their emotional
intelligence. And that's what we want, emotionally
intelligent kids who can relate to other people
in a social setting, who can learn about their
own emotions and the emotions of others, right?
That is true. Yeah. Does that make sense? Oh,
it does. But it's something like, it's foreign
because not a lot of people talk to their children.
in a mature way, they talk to them. And I mean,
some adults too, you gotta talk to them in childish
ways, but that's another story. That's a whole
other story. I mean, I'm looking at some of these
things here, cause it's been so long since I've
had it, have a kid, and I know how overwhelming
it is. Like I'm reading here on parents, who
are feeling like they've tried everything and
nothing seems to work. How do you help them out
when they have a kid that's just, they're not
listening and they're being defiant? Yeah, that's
a really tough one. And in fact, a lot of the
moms that I've had, you know, have worked with,
that's one of the biggest challenges. Like, my
kid isn't listening, just isn't listening. So
what I would say to that Tracy is that every
child's different. you know, there's no one size
fits all. Every family is different or family
values are all different. So generally what we
like to do in the sort of empowered parenting
world and positive parenting world is to connect.
with our children. Okay. And I mean connect in
a moment when their brain is online. So, like,
can I show you my brain? Oh, yeah, show the brain.
I've been dying to see this. How's my brain?
So, this is my little brain model here, right,
Tracey? I'm gonna keep it as simple as possible
and not be too geeky about it. So, this is the
front of the brain, which is like this part of
the brain. It's called the prefrontal cortex.
This is the part of the brain, and this is a
cross -section, but I'll get to the cross -section
shortly. This part of the brain, which is at
the front, is actually the part of the brain
that is responsible for decision -making, logical
thinking and emotional regulation. That part
of the brain does not start developing until
around age six or seven. Start. Wow. And it doesn't
take full form until around age 25 to 28. Well,
that explains a lot from my kids that are what
we're calling later on in the 20s. Right. And
if you think back about it, even, I mean, reflect
for a moment when we were in our 20s or even
God, like in our 30s, we were making silly mistakes.
We were still having trouble to make certain
decisions. And even now as full grown 45 year
old adults, which is what I am. We have moments
where we struggle emotionally and that's because
this part of the brain would have gone into like
offline fight -flight mode. So we don't want
to approach our children when they're not engaged
in this part of the brain. When they're struggling
in the moment, it means that part of the brain
isn't engaged, so they're not listening. We don't
want to have a conversation with them when their
brain is offline, because then they're living
in this part of the brain, which is really like
the emotional part of the brain, the amygdala.
Okay. It's like a little almond just around here.
So it's like a little almond shaped part of the
brain. So it's like the lower reptilian part
of the brain where they're literally in fight
-flight -freeze mode, if I can put it that way.
And we don't want to lecture them. We don't want
to question them or give them, to discipline
them. We want to wait till they're in a calmer
state when the frontal cortex is engaged. Have
a conversation, an empowered conversation. what
I've noticed, what I've observed. This is how
it makes me feel. For instance, there's spilled
milk on the floor in my kitchen that my four
-year -old spilled. You know, his frontal cortex
hasn't started to develop yet, so I have to be
very mindful of that fact. And he's living in
his emotional brain, the amygdala. So I say,
hey, guys, there is... spilled milk on the floor.
It's making me feel really worried because I
want to have safety. I have a need for safety.
So we need to have this cleaned up. Will you
help me clean this up so we can all be safe?
So what I'm doing there is I'm literally saying
what I observe, how I'm feeling, what I need,
and making a request. So that's called nonviolent
communication. It's like a four -step process
that Dr. Marshall Rosenberg has coined, and actually
it's in one of my books here. If somebody was
to say, hey, guys, somebody spilled the milk.
I don't want anybody to fall and hurt themselves.
Can you help me clean it? Is that saying exactly
the same thing? Exactly the same thing. It's
just about what you've seen, what you've observed.
Yeah, and without judging or without yelling.
Without judging, there's no blame, there's no
shame. I mean, everybody spills milk. Exactly,
there's no blame or shame. Accidents happen.
Correct, you just say, hey, this is what I see,
this is what I'm feeling, this is what I need,
and I'm making a request, I need some help in
the kitchen kind of thing, right? So that way,
we're not blaming and shaming them. But just
to... Track back a bit on your question. Yes,
if they're not listening, we want to engage them
when they're in that calm zone, when their prefrontal
cortex is engaged. And then we have a conversation
with them about your concerns, your worries and
what's happening to them and to yourself and
how it's affecting the family dynamic. So if
they're just in a, I'm not going to listen. I
like to call it the little frenzy. Right. Yes.
Just say, OK, you know what, we're going to sit
down for a minute. We're gonna take a few deep
breaths, and once they've calmed down, then that's
the time to have the conversation. Exactly, because
by then, their prefrontal cortex is now re -engaged.
Their brain is now online, not offline, like
I say to my kids. And, you know, remember, between
age 6 and 7 to age 25 to 28... That's a huge
span there. So we can't expect our six and seven
and eight year olds to have the same level of
capacity like our 15 year olds or 18 year olds,
right? So we have to be mindful of that so that
we lower our expectations when we communicate
with them. It's overwhelming to think of, but
if you start it right from the get go. I think
it makes it a lot easier. And I think it's a
lot easier nowadays because when my son was growing
up, when I first had him, and like I said, he's
31, we were just starting to change the way that
parenting was. And that's the thing. What it
shows is that when we persistently spank our
kids, for instance, it really does impact their
child development, their brain development, right?
It kind of shuts them down because now they're
afraid. They're afraid to open up to you because
they're afraid of being judged and shamed and
blamed and punished. And they're not really learning.
any skills when we punish them or if we spank
them. Okay, they spilled the milk. What is spanking
going to do? It does nothing. Making them clean
it up. Absolutely. To me, that's more of a punishment
than spanking them because that's a pain in the
butt to have to clean that up. But it teaches
them responsibility and accountability. And they
know next time, hey, if I spill the milk, rather
than mommy coming to me, I better just clean
it up, right? Right. I really like. the fact
that you are teaching, guiding the children,
it's helping them to think about things, to understand
consequences in a nice way, instead of in a,
this is your consequence kind of way. Yes, yep.
And the thing is with consequences, so... OK,
so if your child goes outside without a jacket
in the winter, there's a natural consequence.
They're going to probably freeze their butt off,
and they're going to come back in and get their
jacket. So we let them figure it out. You go
out there, you see what happens, and then you're
going to come in and get your jacket. There's
also the logical consequences. Let's go back
to the screen time. When my kids are struggling
to come off, time is up, the timer goes off,
because we use timers in our home as well, and
he's refusing to come off. So every minute you
go over your time, your allotted time or great
time, it's going to be deducted from the next
day. That's a logical consequence because it's
relatable, it's reasonable, it's realistic. And
they then learn to manage their time even better.
So that's a consequence, but it's not a punitive
one where we say, hey, go to your room, stay
there until I tell you to come out, right? causes
them to shut down. And they then become unwilling
to kind of open up and speak to you and tell
them what's going on in their mind, what they're
thinking, what they're feeling, and what they're
struggling with. But it's also teaching them
to think ahead. Absolutely. Oh, OK. Yeah, I can
play this some more. But tomorrow, I'm not going
to have it. Yeah, yeah. So and then tomorrow,
what am I going to do? Exactly. OK, you were
a family law attorney. In fact, you still are.
I still practice law, yeah, I'm still an attorney.
Now, what brought on the parenting coaching?
So that's a great question, thank you for asking.
I found myself, this was about three years ago,
I found myself struggling. So I was a struggling
mom with two young boys. feeling overwhelmed,
anxious, worried and concerned with having to
deal with tantrums, the meltdowns, the big emotional
outbursts with my young son. And being the problem
-solving lawyer that I am, I went on a quest.
I went on a quest to find a solution or a fix
for my son, thinking that something was wrong
with him. What I discovered, Tracey, was that
it wasn't about fixing my son, because... What
I learned was, again, the simple brain science.
My son's brain, his logical thinking brain, emotional
regulation brain, had not yet started to develop.
So that caused a huge, like, relief in me. Oh,
that's normal. It's normal to have tantrums at
three and a half years old. It's normal to have
meltdowns. And what I learned more and more fundamentally
was that it was about me. learning how to manage
my emotional triggers. When I started feeling
frustrated, overwhelmed and anxious because of
his tantruming, I needed to find my level of
groundedness and calm. I needed to manage my
body because growing up no one taught me emotional
regulation. No one taught me that it's okay to
feel frustrated. It's okay to feel disappointed
and angry and sad and the whole range of emotions.
I'm not sure about you, but we weren't raised
in an emotionally intelligent way. So now I found
myself in a position where I'm able to now learn
to manage my emotions. And I saw the immediate
shifts with my kids and realized that, hey, the
more I was able to manage me, They were feeding
off your energy. Absolutely. So I was able to
co -regulate with them and lend them my calm.
And so Tantrum started to de -escalate a bit.
It wasn't as exclusive as before. And because
it was working for me and my family, I thought,
wow, oh my gosh, this is so inspiring. This is
my purpose. This is my passion. I want to help
other struggling moms and dads out there who
think that something's wrong with their kids,
but really it's about... us learning to manage
our emotions and our triggers. Now do you work
with parents one -on -one or are you a speaker
or is it group settings? How does that work?
Right so I do one -on -one coaching, I do group
coaching, I also recently became a positive discipline
parent educator so that's a new that's like more
of an experiential type of workshop where the
parents would come in and we would literally
do role play so that the parents kind of become
like their kids. They put themselves in the shoes
of their child so they can... kind of really
experience what their child is thinking, feeling
and deciding to do in the moment. I also do a
lot of speaking for local agencies and actually
quite recently I was invited to sit on the Family,
this is a bit of a mouthful, Family, Wellbeing
and Family Safety and Wellbeing Community Coordinating
Committee of the Windsor Essex Children's Aid
Authority. Wow. So I've been there like three
months now sitting on their committee. So that
has given me the opportunity to provide complimentary
talks as well so that I'm sharing with the community
and I'm giving back to the community in a way
which I completely and absolutely love. It's
so rewarding, Tracey, when you see families transform
with the work you're doing. Oh, I bet. Right?
Now I'm also writing in the BizX magazine. I
actually had like three publications already.
So that's pretty exciting. So I'm sharing my
knowledge and my wisdom and my experience through
my articles. My fourth one will be out in article
will be out in March. So stay tuned for that.
How is this form of parenting or parental teaching
being welcomed in the Windsor area? So Windsor
-Essex is a very diverse area. So you have a
lot of people from all walks of life with so
many different cultural backgrounds, religious
belief systems. So culturally, it's new for many
cultures. So it's a new concept to get around
your head. spank my kids. I shouldn't yell persistently
at my child because it might cause them to, you
know, to not develop cognitively like they would
ordinarily. It's new. It's still evolving, but
they're open to it. They're willing to learn
and to listen, which is wonderful because at
the end of the day, they get to choose. what's
best for their family. They get to choose what
aligns with their family values and what works
and makes sense. So we act as more like facilitators.
We're here to impart the information and share
and guide with you. And at the end of the day,
it's your beautiful children. So you get to make
the final decision on what works well for you.
That's wonderful, because that's what I was wondering.
We are such a culturally diverse area with so
many different. nationalities, religions, that
they all have different ways of doing things.
So that's wonderful that they're all coming together.
Now, when you started implementing these changes
in your home, did you find that you were a lot
less stressed? Oh, my gosh. I can't describe
it, Tracey. It was literally like a little light
bulb went on in my head and look. Initially,
my window of tolerance was like this. Now it's
like this. I kid you not. Yes, I still lose my
crap. Yes, I still yell occasionally. Yes, I
still get frustrated because I'm human. I was
just going to say that. robot and that's the
wonderful thing like we get to learn and grow
with our children it's about transforming ourselves
and them together so they see the beauty in us
transforming before their very eyes and they
realize like hey mom's mom's not perfect that's
okay I don't need to be perfect either and that's
great because that's the worst thing about being
a parent is beating yourself up if if you're
not doing it right, like how the experts say
you should do it. I'm breaking my kid and they're
going to turn up to be like in a gang or in jail
or something. Yeah. To know that we yell still
and it's okay. You know what it is Tracy, like
we are humans, we're not robots, we're not programmed
to be like one -minded. What it is is about the
intentionality. We intend to do better. We want
to do better. We want to learn how to better
manage our bodies by taking, by pausing ourselves,
catching ourselves in the moment when we feel
that sensation rising and we're about to lose
our calm, like, okay, Jacqueline, pause for a
moment. You can get through this. You've been
through this before. You can get through it again.
Breathe. Ground yourself. Then show up for your
child as best as you can. in that moment because
every time it's going to be different and that's
the beauty because you get to repair. Oh my gosh
Tracey, like repairing after a rupture. That's
one of the best tools. We as coaches, we give
so many tools to parents and offer them so many
strategies to connect to their kids. Repairing.
When I've made a mistake, I go up to my kid.
Like the other day my son was in the living room,
I was cooking dinner and he hates... Chicken.
Who hates chicken? Yeah, he hates chicken, but
he'll eat chicken nuggets. So I was baking some
chicken. Yeah, I love kids. I know, right? He'll
have chicken nuggets, but he won't have a nice
homemade cooked chicken that's baked in healthy
spices. Oh my god, I hate chicken. And of course,
I'm exhausted. It's a long day. It's the end
of the night. I'm like, what the hell? You mean
I don't like chicken? So I lost my calm. And
I yelled, right? It's very rare that I would
really lose it, but I did. I had to calm myself
down. And then after dinner, I had to go to him
and say, you know, earlier on when I yelled at
you, I'm like, I'm really sorry. Mommy lost her
cool in the moment. And you know that we're working
together as a family, all of us, to learn to
manage our triggers and our emotions. And I'm
trying to do better, as we all are, you, me,
your dad, and your brothers. And we do a really
good repair. Yeah. Right? And we say, hey, we
make amends. And they... I appreciate that. It's
so game -changing, Tracy, doing that repair in
a sincere way. Well, and especially when you're
not usually a yeller. And that's the thing, Tracy,
we don't need to place so much pressure on ourselves
to be this perfect parent. It's like there's
this parenting myth that we must always be perfect
and do right by our children 24 -7. It's just
not realistic. No. It's just not realistic. So
there's no such thing as a perfect parent, including
myself. I mess up all the time. What I do is
I try to make amends. I apologise. I'm sincere.
I'm open. I'm honest. I have conversation and
dialogue, and that's what we do. And a lot of
the mums that we work with and that I've actually
helped through coaching, for them doing the repair
part has been the most game -changing part of
parenting with intentionality and purpose. Now,
I'm looking on the paper because this is completely
new to me, so I appreciate the heck out of you
sending me some topics because I only had the
one child, so I wouldn't even have thought of
this. Now, how do you handle sibling rivalry?
Oh my gosh. Especially without killing them both.
So, three boys. Imagine that. Not one, not two,
but three. I'm like, God, you know best. When
you gave me three boys, you knew exactly what
you were doing. Well, I'm still trying to figure
it out. Or what did I do wrong? Or what did I
do wrong? Because I still, my mother bought pink
stuff for my kids. When she first found out that
I was pregnant, she bought like pink teddy bears.
And with my third son, she finally gave them
away. So I said, three boys, okay. But for my
three boys, I wouldn't be sitting here today,
Tracy. because it's because of them I chose to
lead this path that I'm in and to be here to
help other struggling mums. Sibling rivalry is
a big thing in our home because we have three
different boys with different personalities with
different wants and needs and beliefs and thoughts
and different ages as well. Traditionally, and
I'm thinking about of my childhood as well, parents
would jump in to save the younger one. from the
older one because the younger one needs protecting.
In our mind, we're thinking, oh, I need to rescue
my little one. He's going to be hurt by my older
son. But when we do that, Tracy, like what the
science shows is that we're essentially taking
sides. So we're causing a rift or disconnect.
And that's why people always say the babies are
the favorites. Right. But what we want to do
is we want to basically show that we're there
for everyone. What I like to say is put yourself
in the shoes of a mediator, a middleman. So you're
going in there. If there's a big physical fight,
which happens still in my home, we want to jump
in obviously to an extent if they can't figure
it out themselves. But ultimately we want them
to figure it out themselves, right? But if there's
a big physical fight, I'm just giving an example,
my son's fight. Part of them first of all, so
their safety. I'm going to hear you and I'm going
to hear you. when you're calm, because in that
moment, their brain, again, is offline, they're
thinking from the emotional brain. So when they've
calmed down, I want to hear what you've got to
say, I want to hear what you've got to say, and
then we'll hear each other. So we're guiding
them through to explaining what they were thinking
and feeling in that moment when they're fighting
physically. So we're not taking the sides, we're
not blaming and shaming anyone, we're not saying
you're the bully, or we're not saying you're
the victim. We're saying we need to work together.
I understand what you're feeling and thinking.
Let's talk this through. It's generally the approach
we want to take. Back in the day, you always
had the oldest one was always... kind of treated
like crap because they were the oldest. They
should have known better. And then you have the
middle one that's usually ignored so they can
slide under the radar and get away with things.
And then you also have the baby that everybody
favored because everybody else was picking on
the baby. So then they would act out. And a lot
of times they didn't. I found that they didn't
know how to cope because somebody was always
taking care of them and this way you are creating
three strong independent individuals that are
able to sort things out including the baby of
the family. Absolutely because ultimately we
want them to learn how to resolve their own issues.
When they go into the big wide world they've
got to resolve their issues. They can't come
to me or to you necessarily in the moment when
they're in a pickle. They're going to have to
figure it out. They're going to have to resolve
it. So we want to guide them through to learn
the skills, the social and life skills, to figure
things out and solve it for themselves ultimately.
So we give them that space to do that ultimately
without anyone feeling like I'm the bad person.
Mommy's always picking on me or he's always the
goody two shoe. No, I'm not taking sides. Sorry.
And I say that to my boys. And that's what I
teach moms. Hey. Well then, I'm here as a mediator,
so I'm not taking your side or your side. I'm
here to help you sort it out if you can't sort
it out yourself. So next time you can do it better.
How do you go about saying, okay, you were the
one who started it without pointing that out
and making them feel like the bad person? Absolutely,
that's a great question. This is always my kids
and most other kids and parents would attest
to that we've worked with. There's always the
one kid who grabs the toy from the other kid.
That's like a common thing that happens in the
home. Always. Always. Grab your toy. Usually
either the baby's going, I want it, or the bigger
one, this is mine. Right. So, hey, I saw you
take your brother's toy. I understand you want
to use it. But there's a better way. You can
say to your brother, hey, Jaxi, can I take a
turn, for instance? So I'm teaching them what
to say, how to express what they're thinking
and what they're needing from their brother so
that next time, right, that they know how to
approach the situation rather than grabbing and
running away and ha, ha, ha, Jaxi may have a
turn, my turn, yeah? And if it doesn't work and
the... We start over again. We keep doing it.
So yes, it takes time. Yes, it's a lot of patience.
But you know what, Tracy? It really does work
in the end. Because the other day, my boys were
making a camp. And I heard my older son say to
my middle son, hey, Geo, I love you. Good night.
Aw. Right? So when we think that they're fighting
constantly and they're not learning and they're
just not connecting, they really are. Because
for him to say, I love you, there was a connection
there between them. Well, and that's the thing
as well, is when you have more than one kid,
you're only seeing when they're hollering at
each other or when they're fighting. You're not
seeing the quiet time when they're probably working
together. Exactly. Because they fight and they
make up and they play. They're kids. How about
what just happened? I'm jumping in to try to
solve and like I'm looking like the fool. You
guys are perfectly okay. Step back until somebody
cries. Correct. Exactly. And even if they cry,
I just give them the space to let them figure
it out. If they fight in the car and we're driving,
one thing I've done before in the past is I'm
like, if you guys want to fight, we could pull
over. I'm going to pull over and I've done it.
Mommy's here. I'm going to listen to my music.
I'm going to... pull a magazine up or scroll
on my phone or whatever, when you're ready, let
me know and then we'll get moving. And it works.
Every man stops writing. I did that to my son
and his friend was in. My son was just being
a typical child, but he had hit my last serve
and I'm like, okay, if you don't stop, then I'm
gonna pull over the car and you're gonna have
to get out. I can't drive like this anymore.
And ha ha ha, mom's not going to do that until
I literally pulled over. And all of a sudden
it was, I didn't obviously kick them out of the
car, but it got quiet the rest of the way home.
Yeah, exactly. And you know what? That's not
punishment. No, it's showing a consequence. It's
logical. Hey, I can't drive because it's not
safe for me to drive when you guys are fighting
back there or something's happening back there.
concentration or I'm being disturbed, right?
So this is what we're going to do. So everyone's
safe. We're going to pull over. If you guys want
to fight, you can go outside and fight. I've
said that to them in the past. Do you think they're
going to go outside and fight? No, no one's fighting
anymore. All of a sudden they love each other.
Absolutely. Absolutely. Okay. Now how I'm one
of the few questions left. How do you handle
bedtime? Okay. Because you always got a kid that
don't want to go to bed. Go to bed, yeah. Much
higher. Bedtime struggles and morning struggles
too. It's pretty much the same actually, right,
if you think about it. Bedtime routines can be
a struggle for us in my home, but we've gotten
a lot better because we have times. Not every
family is different, Tracey, because everyone's
got all sorts of things going on after school.
You have hockey and you've got football and you've
got gymnastics and you've got swimming and the
whole range of music. And we have quite a few
with the three boys. So every day it's different.
It's never the same every single day, but there
is like a general sort of pattern. We come home,
we unwind for a bit, so we plan ahead. We come
home, guys. OK, we're going to unwind for like
20 minutes. Then we're going to go out if you
want to divide. So this is the thing. In our
home, we have no device time on Tuesdays, Thursdays,
and Sundays. So I mean, it's up to the parent
to have if they want to have that kind of strategy.
That's what we do. So on Tuesdays, we come home,
we unwind for half an hour, we sit and we have
a snack together. Then we get ready, we go to
martial arts. We come home, we know we get home
at seven o 'clock. So between seven and eight,
these are the things we've got to do. So we have
to have organization. Oh yeah. We've got it.
So we're counting down the time with them. Timers,
oh my gosh. When we were growing up, there was
no such thing as a timer. But time is now. They're
so game changing. And that's the thing, like
now, because of the technology, there's so much
in your face. They don't know time. Right, so
that's where you have to come in with the timers
and the clocks and remind them, OK, this is the
time we're coming off our devices. If you're
doing device time, then it's shower time, bath
time. And the last 30 minutes before the bedtime,
whatever your bedtime is, whether it's 8, 8 .39,
the last half an hour, we really want to make
it. the environment conducive for sleep. So the
story time, the light music, as in calming music,
the dim lights, that sort of thing. And of course,
the kids still want to jump. My kids always still
want to jump around on the bed the last 10 minutes
before they go to bed. So they're jumping on
the bed. And my thing is, hey, guys, in five
minutes, the lights are coming off. Mommy's feeling
really tired. I need to go to bed so that I can
rejuvenate for tomorrow. to look after myself
and you. We don't want a tired mommy. Right,
I need, you need to help me to help you. Yep,
so in five minutes I'm gonna take those lights
off and then we're gonna snuggle together. Mm
-hmm. I kid you not Tracy. Five minutes the lights
are off, every man's in his bed, everyone's snuggling
and end of story. So there's less and less and
less bedtime struggles. It's that calm down time
they need it. Exactly. You just need to have
the organisation in place and just literally
your timing with them. Of course it's different
every single day. There are days when it's Friday
night. We don't need to be so rigid or so inflexible,
or Saturday night, but of course at school nights
we want to have that structure in place and stick
to it and be as consistent about it. I mean,
they look forward to the weekend time. Oh, yeah,
we can stay up a little later. Back then it was
OK. This show is on a half an hour after normal
bedtime. Yeah. So yeah, you can watch it. Yeah.
But if you've misbehaved during the week, there's
none. There is none. And, you know, nine times
out of 10, that worked because that was the favorite
show. Now, do you have books that? you could
suggest to people to read, or do you think it's
better for them to talk? Because I'm more of
a talker than a reader. Absolutely. So I offer
complementary connection calls if someone is
wanting some support, and they may... benefit
from coaching. They can contact me on my website
it's www .jaclynpcheng .com and it's a bit of
a mouthful but it's j -a -c -q -u -e -l -i -n
-e -p -c -h -e -n -g dot com and they can contact
me there. I'm also on Instagram and Facebook
so they can contact me there and make connection
that way. Yes, when I was training to become
a parenting coach, there were some basic books
that I used, which helped me. But putting it
into practice, that's where the support and the
guidance comes in from a coach. There are times
when some parents I've met with, I've worked
with, they have real, like, major childhood trauma.
and they need clinical support. So we will refer
and work with a therapist also. So you'll find
like therapists and coaches often work hand in
hand because we are very focused on present and
future tools, strategies and guidance to support
the parents in their parenting. But if they need
that kind of clinical support, then we would
connect them with therapists so they can get
that kind of support because a lot of the times
what's coming up for us in terms of triggers,
stems from our childhood, Tracey. Our own childhood
experiences and memories, which aren't often
good ones. And I think that's great to... Yeah,
you have to fix you. Yeah. And that's the one
thing I always said, in order to be a good parent,
you have to be a happy person. Absolutely. If
you're not fulfilled, if your bucket isn't overflowing,
how can you give to your kids? When you are depleted,
when you are burnt out... There's no way you
can show up for your kids the way you want to
or the way that they need you to. So we need
to take care of us, and that's a really big thing.
If there's anything that most parents take away
from their sessions is self -care or self -preservation.
It's essential, like totally and utterly. Whatever
works for you, reading, journaling, listening
to music, dancing, having a cup of tea in silence
with yourself, going for a walk, a jog, going
to the gym. Anything that brings you joy and
helps you to kind of feel rejuvenated and helps
to reset your nervous system, because it's all
about our nervous system. Oh, it's insane. You
need to feed you. Absolutely. Exactly. Being
a single parent. There was one night a week that
my son went to either my mom's or my grandma's
house for the night, whether I went out and did
anything or I just sat at home in silence. It
was so nice and it helped me really just. If
I wanted to stay up late nine times out of 10,
I fell asleep at the normal bedtime anyway. Yeah.
But I actually got sleep. Absolutely. And that's
one of the things that most moms complain about,
not getting enough sleep and not having the support
or the help. So one piece of advice I would give
to moms who are suffering in that way is to get
support, get community, get connected with other
moms out there who are struggling. Contact me.
In fact, what I would want to say is like the...
I would love to offer one family in the Windsor
-Essex area a free coaching session. So if any
one of them reaches out to me, the first person
to reach out to me, the first family, I would
be very happy and be honoured to give them a
free coaching session. That's wonderful. Thank
you so much, Jacqueline. I honestly learned a
lot, even though... I'm not a parent. You are.
I'm still a parent, but not of young kids, but
I'm sure there'll be grandchildren coming up,
and it'll be easier to support. my children in
their venture to motherhood, fatherhood. Yeah,
absolutely. Wonderful. And I appreciate you so
much. And again, this is Jacqueline P. Chang,
who is family law. And also, what is your title
again? Parenting coach and a positive discipline
parent educator. Necessary. It is necessary because
I feel that if I had you. I probably wouldn't
have had all the gray hairs that I cover up.
Oh, trust me. There's a lot of money monthly
for this. I've got a few too there, Tracey. Thank
you. Thank you so much for having me. Actually,
I'm really delighted to have been here and to
share my experiences and how it's worked for
me and for other parents that I've worked with.
And it really is, you know, this type of approach
parenting, which is connection -based. That's
what it is. It's just really connection -based.
Honestly, it sounds very easy once you start
implementing it. And that's the thing. We've
got to start somewhere. Small steps. Celebrate
every single win, small or large. And that's
what I say to my parents, like, just baby steps.
You don't have to transform your entire parenting
overnight. It's going to take... I'm still on
my journey, Tracy, three years down the line,
and that's okay. Because we learn and we grow
with our children, and that's the beauty of parenting.
For sure. My name is Tracy Martens, and I want
to thank you for joining me for another episode
of YQGM Bloom. I hope you guys all have a wonderful
day.