Four years ago I caught up with a close mate
for a coffee and we sat down and I was asking
him how life was going how's work going and you
know we chatting and chewing on things and and
I asked how his marriage was going and he started
telling me that his marriage was not in a good
place. His wife was cold and distant and he just
felt like everything he did made it worse. And
so he asked me, Brandon, what should I do? And
I thought immediately, oh, Ephesians 5, that's
the key. Be a sacrificial husband. You know,
what's that going to look like? Help out more,
plan a nice date night every once in a while,
be generous. I thought that was really good advice.
Men had told me that they'd used Ephesians 5
with me and said, that's what you should do as
a man. But I think sadly it turned out I was
treating a bullet wound with a band -aid. A few
years later they were divorced and my advice
didn't help. I think it might have even made
things worse because the issues were deeper,
more complex and more serious than I knew. Now
if I had my time over I would sit down in that
coffee shop with my mate and I would still crack
open Ephesians 5 with him. But I would tackle
it very differently. What would I say to him
if I was speaking to him now? Well, that's what
I want to share with you today. Don't mishear
me. Ephesians 5 is not wrong. It's an awesome
passage. It was the right passage. I just think
sometimes we don't always apply it rightly. and
also it's one passage among the whole Bible.
And so we need to integrate what it's saying
with the whole Bible's teachings. And I want
to add to that there's a caveat here too. Ephesians
5 is gospel -driven commands that we imitate
Christ, it's all driven by grace, but it's not
a promise. This is not the prosperity gospel.
It's not you do this and have enough faith and
you know, your marriage will be perfect and wonderful
and the best marriage ever We live in a fallen
world. You can get this right and still have
a rough marriage that ends Is it the best way
to do marriage? Yeah But we live in a fallen
world. So don't hear me as promising more than
I'm saying and Finally if you're single and expect
to stay single stay tuned because this passage
helps you too. I want to show you how this passage
helps single people, married people, helps all
of us as men. It gives us principles on how men
lead anyone. So let's have a look at this passage.
What's the big thing it's teaching us? Well,
here's the big thing, Ephesians 5, I think you
say, the best thing a man can do is become a
Christ -like leader. Best thing a man can do,
especially in his marriage and his family has
become a Christ -like leader. What's it look
like to do that? What did my friend need to hear?
What do I need to hear in my marriage and my
family? Well, it's three things. Men need to
lead. Men need to love. And men need to lean.
And that's lean on Jesus. Rely on Him. So let's
have a look at each of them. Firstly, men...
need to leave. If you've got your Bible there,
come with me to Ephesians 5 22 and 23, or it's
on the screen if you need as well. It says, wives
submit yourselves to your own husbands as you
do to the Lord, for the husband is the head of
the wife as Christ is the head of the church,
his body of which he is the saviour. Now as the
church submits to Christ, so also wives should
submit to their husbands in everything. Now there
are a lot of people and a lot of men sadly who
abuse the Bible And abusers often abuse the Bible
So when we're teaching it, I don't want to just
tell you what I think it's saying I want to tell
you what I think it's not saying as well so that
we're especially clear When it's talking about
wives submitting to husbands and husbands being
the head of the wife It's not saying that a woman
should be a yes woman. That she shouldn't express
her ideas and opinions. It's not saying that
there's never a time for a woman to say no. You
know, if her husband says, you know, sweetheart,
let's go rob that bank together, she submits
to Jesus. And so she's not gonna go rob that
bank, if you were thinking of doing that. Don't
tell your wife that. Anyway, but just so you
know, that's... Yeah, she needs to submit to
Jesus first and foremost above her man. It's
also not saying husbands make your wives submit.
This is a voluntary self -yielding. It's up to
them to choose this. And this is not saying women
are inferior to men. I mean, we live in a culture
where function and authority and power tends
to give you more value. We tend to think, oh,
that person's important and they're more valuable
than me because they're important and they've
got a special role or whatever it might be. Now,
when we read the Bible, we find multiple reasons
as to why we're equal, even if we have different
roles and functions. So you think of the Omegoday,
the image of God that humankind is made in. It's
male and female. Adam and Eve are both equal.
They have different functions, different roles,
but in terms of their value, they're equal. We
look at the cross. At the cross we see that Jesus
died for all people. Man, woman, slave, free,
Jew, Gentile. No one is more important. The cross
is a great leveller, isn't it? But even within
the Trinity, we see this. So the Father and the
Son and the Holy Spirit, they're all equal to
one another. They're all equally God, fully God.
And yet, the Father, he initiates and tells the
Son what to do, and the Son submits. So just
because someone submits to someone else doesn't
mean they're less than. We can be equal. even
if we have different roles. And it's important
we take this to heart, because I think our culture
needs to hear it, but back in Paul's day, these
ideas were incredibly countercultural as well.
Because back then, women were considered inferior.
They weren't to just submit to their husbands,
they were to submit and sacrifice to their husbands.
They would just sacrifice for their husbands
as well as do what they were told. It was an
awful way to be in a lot of ways. So what this
is saying is quite revolutionary. It's giving
women value. And it's pointing out that there's
a power dynamic in a marriage. Just like in a
workplace or a sports team, when there's no consensus,
someone has to make a call. Do we move and take
that job away or do we stay here and keep going?
Do we use that money we've got on a holiday or
we're going to do it on renovations in the house?
You know, should we buy a house? Should we rent
a house? Men are the head. They have authority.
They set the tone. They're responsible. They
need to wear the pants. And wives should submit
to them and respect them. Now, it's pleasant
if everyone just agrees, isn't it? So much nicer.
But when we can't agree, that's what happens
with power. Someone has to make a call. And that's
not wrong. Power has its place. Modern feminism,
as I said before, has done much good, and feminism's
done much good, yet it's also made it very hard
for men to lead, hasn't it? And I think being
Australian makes it hard for us to lead. We're
Australians. We like to cut down our tall poppies,
don't we? We like our hierarchies flat. We're
sceptical of power. But power has its place.
Approximately 10 years ago, police in the north
eastern part of Brazil went on a week -long strike.
The result was 143 people died, transport systems
were stopped, schools and clinics were closed.
Many citizens were trapped in their homes because
that was the only place that was relatively safe.
What's that meant to teach us? Power and authority
are needed for the good ordering of society.
If you don't have power and authority, you end
up with anarchy, don't you? and chaos. It's good
to have power. Power is a good thing. It can
be abused. It can be misused. That's an awful
thing. But power itself is a good thing. And
so we shouldn't shy away from having authority
and taking responsibility of being leaders. What
do you think it's like for a wife whose husband
shies away from leadership and taking responsibility.
It's chaos as well, isn't it? She either has
to let things unravel or she nags him or she
withdraws from him or she tries to take charge
when she doesn't want to. And that's when resentment
builds. That's when the belittling can begin,
you know, you're not much of a man, are you?
Or whatever it might be. The respect for you
evaporates and then the arguments become the
pattern, your confidence drops, her trust in
you erodes and she feels like you're unsafe.
And I mean, men not leading, that's toxic masculinity,
but you know what it often leads to is toxic
femininity. Because we're not wired that way.
And so when men don't step up, it can often lead
to big problems for their lady. Now if this were
the NHA Women's Conference, I'd be telling the
women that this passage is telling you don't
belittle or emasculate your husband. Communicate
clearly and non -critically. Give them space
to step up. Appreciate them and submit to their
lead. Because that's what the Bible is calling
them to do. and they need to clean up their side
of the street. But in case you hadn't noticed,
we're not at the women's conference, we're at
the men's conference. And so I'm telling you
today, men, we need to lead. We can't shy away
from our responsibility to lead. Now, what's
that look like? Let me give you some concrete
examples. As men who are leading, we need to
listen and consider what our wives are saying.
We need to think. I'm not saying let's be draconian
and just ignore what our wives say and just run
off into the distance. That's not leadership.
But we need to do what's best for her and our
families, even if she's unhappy about it. That's
leadership. It's making the hard calls. it's
not letting her emotions cloud our judgment.
When she gets upset and emotional about something,
it's easy to want to go, oh, I want to make you
happy. And I don't think it's the best thing,
but that'll just calm you down. Okay, we'll go
with what you think. No, if we're convinced that
there's a better way to go, that is a right way
to go, you know, look, there's some things you
can let go, pick your battles, but on something
important, back yourself. You need to back yourself,
no matter her reactions. As leaders, we need
to be reliable. We need to be the sort of men
who follow through on what we say. And if we
struggle at that, we need to find ways to do
it, create systems in our life to do it. As men,
we need to be the sort of blokes who initiate
things other than sex. There are so many wives
out there... who I think they're just like, I
wish my man would initiate something else. We
need to be men who dream, plan, solve, who initiate
family devotions, who initiate different things
in our systems in our family, who are willing
to have the hard conversations. And as men, we
need to be ones who carry a lot of the mental
load. Not asking our wives, what do you need,
sweetheart? Because that's putting the onus and
the pressure back on her to work it out. We need
to be the ones who are looking around, seeing
the problems, making the list. Okay, we've got
this at home and that needs to be sorted. And
yeah, we communicate with her and we might delegate
some things to her. But we do our share and we
think it through. We're driving things, aren't
we? That's leadership. Even if it doesn't come
naturally to you, it's still something... we
all need to work on. And growth takes time, that's
okay. But God has made men to be leaders of our
homes and we must lead. No matter what the cultural
narrative out there is, God is telling us that's
who we are. We must take responsibility and not
avoid our God given authority. We are to lead.
I wish I'd told that to my mate back in that
coffee shop. But how do we use that authority?
Well, we're meant to love. Men need to love.
Have a look at verse 25 to 30. It says, without
spot or wrinkle or any such thing that she might
be holy and without blemish. In the same way
husbands should love their wives as their own
bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself for
no one ever hated his own flesh but nourishes
and cherishes it just as Christ does the church
because we are members of his body. Now here's
a great little Bible reading tip. When reading
the Bible remember Verbs tell you where the action
is. It's a bit of a play on words. Anyway, verbs
tell you where the action is. What verb dominates
these verses? Well, have a look. What do you
see? It's love, isn't it? And most of the other
verbs around it are unpacking what love looks
like. Jesus gave himself, he sacrificed himself,
that's love. And he did it to sanctify, to make
holy the church, to cleanse. That's loving, isn't
it? And it's gonna be awesome, he's gonna present
the church to himself one day, you know, because
he wants to be in that relationship of love with
the church forever. And not only that, he nourishes
and cherishes the church, or feeds and cares
for it. That's loving. And so Jesus is our reference
point on how to do love in our marriages, in
our families. Put it all together, we discover
what it means to be a loving man, a loving leader
and a loving husband by looking at Jesus' relationship
with the church. What's the outcome? What's the
goal that Jesus has for his church? He wants
to present her wholly to himself on that last
day. That's where it's all headed. And the means
that he will do that with is that he gives himself,
dies for their sins, and nourishes them with
the Word and cherishes them and treats them as
valuable and precious. Now, what's that mean
for a husband? If you're going to be a Christ
-like husband, who loves your wife like Christ
loved the church, here's your job. Help your
wife stay Christian. That's the loving thing
you can do, is help your wife stay Christian.
That's what this is saying. That's the outcome
Jesus is trying to get to, and he's trying to
love his church to that point. It's a bit like
being a pastor. Here's what it says in Hebrews
13, 17. Obey your leaders and submit to them
for they are keeping watch over your souls as
those who have to give an account. Let them do
this with joy and not with groaning. It's always
much nicer when it's a joy and not groaning.
For that would be of no advantage to you. See,
at one level, you're all individuals who are
responsible for your own souls, aren't you? Yet,
as a leader of the church, I have responsibility
for your soul as well. We both do. Both things
are true. And it's the same with husbands and
wives. Your wife is responsible for her own spiritual
health, for her own soul. But husbands have a
responsibility to lovingly lead their wives in
such a way that their faith thrives. So that
they persevere. So that they're still trusting
Jesus at that last day. Sometimes Steve and I
go out for a coffee in his little MG. I love
to call it Kermit. It's a beautiful car. You
feel the breeze in your hair. For Steve, I think
it's more in his scalp, but that's okay. He probably
won't take me out in it again now. But Steve's
brought this car. He's looked after it well.
I want you to imagine, imagine an M .G. enthusiast.
And they find online, they see this beat up M
.G. and they think, I'm going to restore it and
get it ready and beautiful by my 60th birthday.
And so they go and they buy it. They spend their
hard earned money. They spend their time, their
energy and their effort making it beautiful,
polishing it up, washing it, polishing it again.
You know, they love that car because their goal
is that one day They want to enjoy the fullness
of it on their 60th birthday. Well, that's like
what Jesus does with his church. We were rusty
bombs because of our sin. And he's bought us
and he's restored us so that he can present us
to himself on that last day. And you know what?
Imagine if I borrowed this guy's MG, this restorer,
or if I just borrowed Steve's one. What would
I be doing with that car? I'd be very careful
to look after it well, wouldn't I? Because I'd
go, that is a precious and beautiful car. It's
been entrusted into my care. Well, that's how
Christian men treat their wives. Oh, she belongs
to Jesus. She's part of the church. He died for
her at one level. Jesus is her real husband,
and he's the one who died for her, cares for
her, makes her beautiful. But you know what?
There's a sense in which Jesus has entrusted
Laura into my care. I need to look after her
really, really well. I saw someone online the
other day said, most men treat their car, I thought
they were a bit over the top, but still, they
said most men treat their cars better than they
treat their wives. I thought that's a bit rough.
But then, you know, maybe there's a grain of
truth in it. Maybe we need to take that responsibility
and go, yes, I need to treat her better. I need
to nourish her spiritually and cherish her and
show her she's valued. See, if you act like these
men in a marriage, if you're the passive people
pleaser, the misogynistic tough guy or the stupid
slugger, you're not looking after your wife well,
are you? What does it look like to be a loving
leader and husband, a loving man? It's about
sacrificing, isn't it? You've got to ask yourself
what's best for her and do it even if it costs
you. And in the long run, I mean, I would expect
she will probably like you more for that. But
she might not like it at the time, but... That's
what a man does, is we sacrifice. It's nourishing.
It's praying for her. It's praying with her.
It might be getting up early if you've got kids
and handling the kids so she can have a quiet
time. It might be encouraging her and making
sure, yeah, we're going to go to church. Church
is important. Because I know we get fed by the
word there. It might be encouraging her, hey
sweetheart, how are you going in your faith?
I just want to check in, see how you're going,
oh, you did a great job with that Sunday school
lesson the other day, or whatever it might be.
And it's cherishing her, it's celebrating her,
it's listening to her, you know, it's putting
the phone down and going, I am going to give
you my attention. It's taking an interest in
her in a world. It's going, I so value you and
care about you that I'll forgive you when you
stuff up. It's about using your power, energy
and strength for her good. Put it another way,
here's the sweet spot, I reckon. In the ancient
world, what Paul was writing to is people who
were husbands who were domineering. They would
be too harsh with their wives and... I think
a lot of what he's writing is he's trying to
bring them back to loving leadership. But I think
in our culture we tend to have a struggle with
this side. We tend to be a bit more passive.
There are still some who are domineering. But
I think we tend to have a lot of blokes today
because of feminism and some of the other things
that are happening. We tend to be too passive.
And so we need to read this and see that we're
trying to get back in the middle as well. We're
trying to get back to loving leadership using
our power and our authority but in a way that
is loving. I mean that's what the Lord Jesus
did, didn't he? Do you remember Mark 10? Where
the one who is great among you is the one who
is slave of all. For even the son of man came
not to be served, he didn't come to be Homer
Simpson lying down and have everyone serve him,
he came to serve and give his life as a ransom
for many. It's not that he didn't have power.
He's the son of man. He's the one who reigns
over everything. But he uses that power for the
good of others for their benefit. He's not a
doormat. He's not a pushover. But he uses his
power for their good, sacrificially. That's what
Jesus does. That's the balance we need to get
is loving leadership. But how do we get there?
Well men need to lean We need to lean on Jesus
Have a look with me at verse 31 to 33 Therefore
a man shall leave his father and mother and hold
fast to his wife and the two shall become one
flesh This mystery is profound and I'm saying
that it refers to Christ in the church However,
let each one of you love his wife as himself,
and let the wife see that she respects her husband."
So, Paul here is going back to what we read in
Genesis, too. And he's saying, you know, when
it talks about the, what is it, the two becoming
one flesh, that's actually talking about Christ
and the church. And you're sitting there going,
really? I thought that's Adam and Eve, and I
thought that's kind of me and my wifey. And Paul's
saying, yes, it is. But ultimately, the real
reality is it's talking about Jesus and his church.
See, every Christian in this room is married.
We've got a marriage made in heaven. We're married
to the Lord Jesus because we are his bride. And
if you've got issues with that, you know, we'll
talk later. But you can ask him Q &A or whatever.
But it's an OK thing. It's a metaphor. But we
are married to Jesus and the key to leading and
loving better as a man is not just to learn from
Jesus and imitate him, but to allow yourself
to be loved by him. I mean, this passage is all
about how women submit to Jesus like the church
and how husbands are to love like Christ. It
gives both genders inspiring patterns and the
example for marriage. But we're also, in light
of this verse, meant to read it, that Jesus is
the spouse who meets our need. He's our Saviour
who loves us, who gives Himself up for us, who
cleanses us, nourishes us, and cherishes us.
Leaning on Jesus, appreciating Him, that's the
key. Because that's so filling for me as a man.
If he pours into me as a man, I have an abundance
to pour out for others. If I know him as a man,
it transforms my identity, it gives me joy, and
brings out the best in me with others. Years
ago, I pastored a uni church in Perth. And we
had a decent amount of young men who, as probably
no surprise, struggled with porn and anger. And
I'd meet up with them and we'd have coffee. And
over a few months, we'd often see with these
young blokes a big change. I didn't do anything
dramatic. I just did two things. I mean, I'd
sit down with them, I'd crack open the Bible,
and I'd show them two things. I'd show them how
toxic sin was. and how beautiful God's grace
is. I'd try and help them appreciate and rely
on, lean on, Jesus' love for them. And it would
bring really powerful change. Again, I'm not
saying I did anything special, that's just biblical
Christianity. And it doesn't just work with porn
or anger, it works with any sin, any toxic behaviour.
But if a man isn't leaning on Jesus, well, that's
when things do go wrong and that's when things
go toxic. You could be a man who's single and
your fear of loneliness could drive that Christian
man to date or marry a non -Christian, which
Jesus tells us that they shouldn't do. You could
be married and that fear of rejection or criticism
could make you insecure and indecisive. You could
become a doormat. You could be a man who experiences
a lot of pressure and exhaustion because life
is hard and you're overwhelmed and you look for
comfort in ungodly things. What does each of
those men need to do? They need to lean on Jesus.
They need to receive His love. And that's why
it's so important for men to depend on Jesus
in prayer. Here's what Paul says he wants men
everywhere to do. What does Paul want you to
do today? He says this, I desire that in every
place that men should pray. Lifting holy hands,
because that's how they used to pray in the ancient
world is they put their hands up like that. Lifting
holy hands without anger or quarreling. See,
as Mark said earlier, men tend to be doers, aren't
they? We tend to be more task -oriented than
women. And if there's a problem, men use the
strength in their hands to fix it. Our strength,
though, can become really toxic when things aren't
working. Okay, I've got the strength in my hands,
I want to fix this thing, it's not working, and
that strength becomes real bad all of a sudden,
doesn't it? I've golfed with men who hit a bad
shot and angrily throw the club further than
the ball. It's the strength in their hands, but
it goes wrong, doesn't it? I think back to Australia
Day and Perth many years ago, we went down to
the Perth foreshore or wherever it was, and there
was this plane that was doing tricks, stunt tricks
in the sky. and it was horrible. The plane had
a massive crash and someone in the plane actually
died. So it meant all the Australia Day fireworks
and everything was cancelled. And so just crowds
of people all at once are heading home after
a lot of them had had way too much to drink.
And we were walking to our car, my family and
another mate's family, and we saw two fights.
Two full -on fistfights with groups of young
men break out. Because when things go wrong,
what do men do? We use our fists, we use our
strength, don't we? We use our hands. It's our
greatest strength, but it can also be our greatest
weakness. But men who see what we have in the
gospel, who depend on God in prayer, who lift
up holy hands to God, They're different. That's
the key to being a Christ -like man. You know,
if I could see one change in our lives from today,
and again, I put myself in this. I struggle with
it too. It wouldn't be, if there's one change,
it wouldn't be that we become clearer or more
decisive men. That would be great. I think they'd
be really good. But that's not the big one I'd
hope for. It wouldn't be that we become kinder
or wiser men. Again, I think that's awesome,
but that's not the big one I'd want to go for.
It would be that we become men who know deeply,
deeply, the love of Jesus for us, and who lean
on Him in prayer. Because if we do that, It changes
so many other things, doesn't it? It changes
those other things. It helps us lead better.
It helps us love better. It helps us be godly.
It helps us do so many things well if we are
leaning on Jesus. So I don't know how you're
going with that. But make a plan for how you
can receive that love and enjoy it more and more.
Make a plan for how you can pour out your heart
to God in prayer. Again, I get it. It's a struggle,
but it's worth doing. Make a plan. Well, I started
by talking about my friend whose marriage was
struggling and how I wished I had a better grasp
of Ephesians 5 and of the whole Bible. And if
I would have, I would have told him this. The
best thing a man can do is become a Christ -like
leader. A leader of himself, a leader of his
wife, a leader of his family. Men need to lead.
Men need to love. And most importantly, men need
to lean on Jesus. And like I said, there's no
guarantees that that would have fixed his marriage.
But he would have been doing everything on his
side of the street that he could, wouldn't he?
It's the best thing he could have done. It's
the best thing that could have set him up, whatever
happened. And it's the same for all of us. Whatever
your situation, the best thing you can do, whether
you're single, whether you're in a rocky marriage,
whether you're in a mediocre, boring marriage,
whether you're in a great marriage, whether you're
in... whether you're a dink, you know, a double
income, no kid, whether you're swamped with kids,
whether you're working, whether you're a stay
-at -home dad, whatever you might be doing, whatever
your situation in life is, the best thing you
can do is to be a man like this, especially a
man who leans on Jesus. So will you seek to become
a Christ -like man? a Christ -like leader of
yourself and of your home. Make a plan on how
you can do that, and then pray about it. Let's
pray now. Gracious Heavenly Father, we ask that
you would help us to lead ourselves and our families
well. Help us to be men who love sacrificially,
not just who are nice, not just who are polite
but who love deeply and in a Christ -like way
and most of all we pray that you would help us
to receive your love for us that we would lean
on Jesus and that we'd be prayerful men and we
pray this in his name amen