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It was the summer of 2022. I was working a shift in urgent care and as I was going to pick up my

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next patient's chart I realized that my heart is beating fast and I feel a little bit dizzy and a

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little bit lightheaded. I checked my pulse quickly and it seems to be racing. I asked the nurse for

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a pulse oximeter and when I put it on my finger it reads 135 beats per minute. That was the day I

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realized that I was burnt out. To understand how I got there I think we need a little bit of background

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on myself and my childhood. I grew up in India in a middle-class family and we lived in an apartment

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right across from the slums where there were kids going to the bathroom on the streets.

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We did okay according to standards in India at that time but compared to the standard living

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in Canada and the rest of the world we would be categorized as a low socioeconomic status.

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Growing up there a success for me looked like somewhat status, power and money. I never thought

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I would be able to afford a house or drive cars such as BMWs and Mercedes and I've always chased that

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growing up to an extent even though I'm not sure if I ever recognized it or even if I fully accepted

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as I talk to you guys today. My path to graduating from residency was at times uncertain. I failed

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my one of my screening exams called the USMLE Step 2CS after I graduated from med school in the

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Caribbean and it took me three years to finally get a spot in family medicine at the University of

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British Columbia and even then I was rejected the first time and I emailed them asking them to

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reconsider me for an interview and thankfully they did and now I am a practicing family physician

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and I do a few other things I'll get into towards the end of this video. Even after I got into

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residency at one of the best schools in Canada I was in remediation during residency and then I

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also failed my board exam for family medicine after I graduated. Once I graduated residency I

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finally had the opportunity to make an amount of money I never thought I would be able to make in my

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lifetime so anywhere from a few hundred thousand dollars up to a million dollars a year if I worked

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in the right settings and if I worked hard enough. So I started working as much as I could not realizing

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that this was my way of validating myself and dealing with my insecurity of not being enough.

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I worked and I worked and I worked to fulfill this desire I had to feel like I was contributing

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to the world and to myself and I was worthy of the success I had achieved up to at that point.

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I remember I got a job offer at one of the Harvard hospitals in Boston as a hospital medicine physician

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and I finally felt that I had made it. Growing up in India Harvard has this almost spiritual

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religious connotation where you have achieved success if you've made it to Harvard to an extent.

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That didn't end up working out because of licensing issues between the US and Canada

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and I moved to Vancouver to work as a full-time hospitalist at that point. I kept chasing status

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to an extent. I joined some committees. I was on the COVID advisory committee and I was the hospital

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health officer and I was taking care of one of the very first COVID patients at that point.

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I was getting paid fairly well as well about $1,600 a day and again I never thought I'd

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been in a position to make that much money. As I kept working I started realizing that I'm still

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not feeling fulfilled and I'm not sure if this was still insecurity or just the need to do something

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different every day or something more. Again, money was still a factor here for me. I thought

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about improving inefficiencies in medicine and also making money at the same time and

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I landed at doing a startup. As I launched my startup I continued working full-time.

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My wife became pregnant and we had a baby to move provinces to be closer to family.

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This all ended up with the summer of 2022 where I was working full-time on my startup

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in addition to a full-time hospitalist gig and urgent care and rehab hospital at times.

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I was working about $100 a week I'd say with a newborn home although I was not helping much

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at home. I was missing events and birthdays for my family which made me feel worse and drove me

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to work more so I can make more money and provide them more things to fulfill this desire or this

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guilt I had almost that I wasn't doing enough. This insecurity still drives me to an extent

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although I worked on it quite a bit and as I said here today I'm working about 22 hours in clinical

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medicine a week and I'm working on my entrepreneurial and creative endeavors and I have a lot more

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balance but I still feel this need to work a lot and get instant validation. I do this with my

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startup where I was putting out a blog a day and the part of the reason I was doing that is because

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I wanted instant feedback. I wanted the world to tell me what I was doing is valuable and for

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people to tell me that what I'm doing is important is helping them constantly and my wife has been

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telling me this for I'd say the past 10 years that that's arguably the wrong way to do things

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which is interesting because in the starter world you're told to just work a lot interoperately fast

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and just constantly be working but you know I do think there's something to say about taking your

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time and taking it slow or how Adam Grant calls it moderate procrastination in his book.

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So you know after my burnout what I did in the summer of 2022 is I went home and I laid in bed

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for a week and I thought about you know how did I get to where I am. I got up after a week and then

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kept doing the same thing for another I would say another year or two years and I still fall

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victim to this mentality that I have to keep producing. I have to keep doing something different,

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something new, I have to keep seeking validation to be worthy and I'm not really sure to be worthy

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of what but it's just as drive to constantly improve on myself and I think the world in a

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lot of ways rewards this mindset that you have to keep growing you have to keep improving

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and whether it be at work and relationships with money with your physical health and I do wonder

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if it's responsible for the burnout epidemic and if there's a way to live life and build things

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and grow startups even in a more mindful in a more balanced way.

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This is what I'm trying to do with my balance and with my work so as I said I'm 22 hours clinical.

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I am playing around with launching a venture fund. I have an angel group of about 600 physicians

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that I manage although it doesn't take too much of my time at this point. I have a podcast

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which I have not been consistent with and a newsletter that I have not been consistent with

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although the podcast is what gives me quite a most of my joy if I were to categorize into what

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brings to the most joy at work. I would say it would be this podcast because I like talking

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to people and I like sharing my ideas as well. I have not painted in about a year and I used to

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paint quite a bit and it's one of my creative outlets in which I feel like I can get lost

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into the art of what I'm doing and not worry about anything if I'm being frank with you guys.

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When I'm painting I feel like the only thing that exists is me in the canvas and the paint

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and I'm not thinking about the world and to be completely honest my family or my kids or my

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wife or anyone and I think having something that gives me that sense and maybe some will call it

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escape is important and I am trying to incorporate more of that in my life as well.

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So the reason for this video was to share my burnout story, what I learned from it,

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although I'm not sure if I've done that successfully. But the big takeaway I would say is that

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it's okay to not constantly chase things and not constantly grow. It's okay to just slow down

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sometimes and just be present and be mindful. And it's funny I say this because I did take a

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vipassana which is a silent meditation in which you meditate for about 10 to 12 hours a day and

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you don't talk to anyone and you're not allowed to exercise and you're essentially in the state of

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complete silence. And I wish that as I was doing my startup and ramping up my work and taking a lot

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of overnight shifts and call shifts and having these hundred hour weeks I took time to plan my life

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a little bit more and plan for a little bit longer than say the next month and thought about my

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longevity and my health while I did that. The past two months I've worked out almost every day

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and I'm on a much better path now although I'm still susceptible to falling victim to my

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insecurities and my mentality of constantly doing something and constantly improving and progress

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and and and requiring these short feedback loops for the work I'm doing. And this isn't

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necessarily external validation I'm seeking. This is internal validation largely where I don't

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feel like I'm doing enough if I'm not constantly producing. So to end this short podcast I will

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say it's okay to just rest and this is mostly what resonates with people who are high achievers

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who constantly overwork themselves for money or for power or for status or because they're running

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away from something or running towards something. I think sometimes you should rest and you need

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and you need to take care of your physical and your mental body before you can do the work you need to do.