All right.
Welcome to episode nine.
J.K. not really.
Although it feels like episode one.
Feels like we're starting all over again.
I literally feel like we're starting from scratch because of a couple factors.
So for one, we are doing this on video and you can actually watch us while we discuss our topics with each other.
But that's because we're in different states for the first time.
Right. So it's like our first long distance podcast, but I'm also like excited.
Me too. And we talked about last time like this is something we can continue to look forward to.
Right.
And it's just something special for our friendship to always talk and even have this podcast for others to listen to.
Which should we do like a humble brag.
Which I'm awful and I know you are too, but I'm saying that let's do it.
A little bit of a humble brag. This week we surpassed 1000 listens.
That's insane.
Which if you're just joining us on episode one, I think I said if 20 people listen, I'll be like astounded.
Yeah.
And now we broke over 1000.
Yeah, it's over 1000 now.
And it's pretty cool because the device that we have shows all the stats and it has like the world map and we can see like people in London that are listening.
I know. It's crazy.
Just goes to show if you have been thinking about doing something for a while.
And you're scared it probably means you should just do it.
Absolutely. I mean, I'm all in for biting the bullet and trying it. And if it doesn't work out, you can pat yourself on the back to say that you tried it.
Exactly.
And it's not this like what if thought anymore, you already know the outcome now. And if you want to continue or to stop.
Exactly.
And with that, should we do a little life update?
I think we should. I think you have something to tell us.
I do.
So I'm officially back to living with my husband. What a life.
I know I'm so happy.
So we're moved into the first house that we ever bought.
And we're in Tennessee.
And we're really truly like it's just really starting to be like home.
Like we're putting the final touches on decor and we're spending a lot of time together. We just got back from our vacation last week, which was really, really nice.
But I'm finally feeling settled. I'm just loving the area. I'm loving the slower pace of life that we're experiencing down here. I just, I'm super excited.
I'm so happy for you.
Even have like this glow when you talk about it. Cause I know it's like always thinking about it. It's like, I can't wait to order this couch. I can't wait to order this frame. And now it's finally all together.
I know, I know. And I was nervous because I've never, I mean, my sister lives in Virginia, which I suppose is considered South, but I've never really experienced like Southern living and I was really like nervous if I would like it or not.
But I have to say that I'm really enjoying it.
I said that's about it. That's slower pace. I think I loved, I loved Colorado. I love Washington, but they were both pretty populated areas, like pretty busy.
And this just has that small town feel and I just feel like I can breathe a little bit and I have, we have our own space. And I almost feel like going home is like an escape.
I do. I do. Like I feel like when I get home, I can just like exhale.
Got it. That's really nice. Like your home is really like your safe haven, right.
And that's what I feel. Yeah. And it's crazy to think about because like living on the East coast for so long, your uses like fast pace kind of like grumpy individuals.
And then you go to the West coast and it's more like relax and chill. And then you go to like the South. It's very, very slow. No one's in a rush.
I do struggle a little bit in grocery stores, but that's like the only struggle I've had so far. But I have, but again, it's a reminder to me like why are you rushing so much like where's the fire, like what's the point.
So again, just kind of almost embracing the slower pace right now.
I'm super excited to visit. I see every person.
And what's your little updates that you'd like to share.
My little updates. Um, life has been going pretty well.
I mean, I just had my parents up here to visit, which was one of the best visits that we had. So I'm feeling like a little homesick to be honest with you.
I always get that after visiting with family.
And it's such like a mental struggle because I can sit there and say that I love Colorado because of the nature, the activities, the people.
And I moved out here for a reason and stay down here for a reason.
But it's just so hard being so far away from my family.
Yeah, I feel that. And it's almost like every time I go back to the East coast.
And I feel like it's just so hard being so close to my family. And my husband kind of feels this way sometimes too.
We're like, Oh my gosh, maybe we should move back.
And we go through that little bit of a mental battle. But then we kind of remind ourselves that it's not going to be like this every day.
It's not going to be these big family gatherings every day where everyone could free their schedule and everyone could spend all this time with you.
We wouldn't be doing that on a day to day basis.
So it's very easy going. We go out to dinner a lot. We go on hikes.
Whereas if they weren't on vacation, they would be working or we wouldn't be seeing each other. It would be like monthly visits maybe for dinner.
So it's almost like reassuring in a sense of like, no, I am where I'm supposed to be.
Because even if I were to move back, it wouldn't be that much different from living over here.
Exactly. And that's where I have to check myself and to state that it's okay to be selfish within my needs stating like, Hey, I want to explore more, especially that we don't have children yet.
Like I want to do X, Y and Z living far away and exploring the world.
100%. I hear you on that one.
But I think, oh, we're gonna say something.
I was going to say, am I avoiding a little bit of an update?
You are. So it's just not to call you out for it.
I beat you to the punch.
He did.
So what was update last episode, we talked about my Shania tween debit card fiasco.
Where I unusually closed my tab but left my debit card there which from the jump we thought was abnormal but we just said we just wrote it off as well.
That's what happens after a Shania concert like whatever.
True. So the first weekend I think that we were that I was that I moved to Tennessee.
We had visitors and we did Nashville so I'm getting pumped. I'm like, I'm gonna wear the shorts that I wore to Shania because I bought them with the intention of these would be perfect for Nashville.
And so I'm getting ready.
I'm like, yeah.
Feeling yourself a little bit.
I'm putting my white cowgirl boots back on like I'm feeling all the Shania vibes.
I'm looking at myself in the mirror and I pull up my shorts and then I literally just feel something like in my back pocket and I lock eyes with myself.
And I'm like, there is no way that this is happening.
And I reached my back pocket lo and behold, there's my debit card so it was with us the entire time the entire like drama and stress when we were walking back canceling all my cards.
The Bank of America trip on the way back all of that was literally pointless and it was with us the entire time.
Neither of us.
Why would you just thought to check your back pocket. I felt so stupid.
But I took a video and I record myself and I was like, you are not going to believe what I just found and I send it to you because you had to see it.
That's still one of my favorite videos of you. But it's crazy because like I remember getting back to the hotel and going through everything.
But then it's like we thought that we did.
After I don't know.
We probably like tried to look for like five minutes and then we're just like yeah whatever.
We'll just go to the bank. It's fine. But yeah so the debit card update did not unusually close my dad or leave it there I in fact had it on my person and I just forgot about it.
Really proud moment for me just continuing on with that entire movie. I mean, then again it's adds another great story.
That it does. So always check your back pockets.
That's a takeaway always check your back pockets. You didn't leave it up to bar.
No.
But how was Nashville like going out and obsessed.
If you have not been. That was my first time and we're going again this weekend.
If you have not been and you just love live music you even have to love country. If you just love live music. It is the place for you.
I always heard about it like my husband his friends always told me how fun it was. So I was excited but I remember there was a point where there was a live game going on I looked at my husband I was like this is the most fun place I've ever been.
That is so cool is there a lot of bachelorette parties like you like.
Oh it's it is swarmed like you just look out into the crowd and you know what more power to and that's that's an epic place to have a bachelor party.
True. If that's like your thing like applied music of country music of that environment is your thing then you should go Nashville.
But I'm excited to take you there.
I'm pumped. I walked into the one bar and the girl was standing on the bar singing Shania Twain and I was like, I'm meant to be here.
I buried me here.
I'm meant to be here forever. That's what I felt in that moment.
I'm not leaving the bars that night to wanting to go back leaving the bars but we will have our Democrats.
True.
We will never leveling up.
And it's worth growing.
So should we you know you brought up you just spent a week with your family.
Yeah.
I saw some family.
Maybe like two and a half weeks ago I had a big family weekend for my sister's baby.
I had a baby sprinkle. She's having her second baby. I can't wait.
And I kind of went through the fields as well because it was the first time in a very long time that all of my girl cousins were together and there's like 11 of us and we're like it's my mom's side.
So we're super Italian like we call each other like sister cousins like we're really, really close to it.
And it was the first time in a very long time that it was all of us together.
So when I left, I was definitely feeling those like bittersweet nostalgic homesickness vibes.
Yeah.
And I think I talked to you about it where I, we felt very similarly. And then we kind of dove into what that looks like when we're not on the best terms with our family as opposed to when we are and how those feelings are so vastly different.
And it's like navigating those it's like roller coaster.
And for us, it's difficult to put boundaries up with family members because I feel like we're such people pleasers.
And I remember you stated this living far away enables you to do that to put more boundaries. It does. I'm starting to see like myself as well. But it's also difficult because parents don't look at you as an adult they still look at you as their child.
And I feel that a lot sometimes.
I feel as if because I'm voicing my opinion and it's not what they want to hear in that moment.
Yeah, that I'm almost scolded sometimes. And I definitely know it's because they obviously and probably always will on some level view us as the child.
I agree with that.
I don't understand it. It's not that I don't understand it. It's just frustrating sometimes because I am allowed to say no, I am allowed to not make everything on your schedule every single time because it doesn't work for me for my husband and I for our family.
That's really hard. It's really, really difficult to set those boundaries, especially honestly when your family doesn't do that often.
And I don't see your family so often too.
So how do you set those boundaries like what is your.
What would you tell your clients what would you tell me if I was struggling with that even as your best friend like out of a clientele situation.
Well essentially boundaries are form of respect.
And when you set a boundary and someone doesn't acknowledge it in an appropriate way. That's a form of disrespect. And do you even want those types of people in your life then.
Even if it is family, even if it's like family. Yeah.
So do you think there are going to be moments where okay, you've kind of crossed this boundary, but maybe it's only, it happens, rarely is that different than it happens every single time like I know you and I you just said a great concept like it is a matter of
respect.
Where do you draw that line of everyone makes mistakes and we could resolve this and communicate and move forward. Or this has happened one too many times, and I either need space from this relationship or maybe this isn't the best relationship for me to have where you
draw that line.
It's difficult and for each person it's different and I would ask you how much is it weighing on you.
Are you constantly thinking about it every single day.
Then if so it seems as if we need to make a change. Right. If it's every so often and that other person can communicate with you.
Then seems like yeah you can try to navigate it a little bit better you don't have to put that strict boundary up.
Because I think it's like it's a double edged sword in my in my mind sometimes. I think sometimes.
And I see other people do this as well.
They like jump the gun a little bit in my opinion and it's like, oh, you cross this boundary with me. It's almost like cancel culture sometimes. But then there's the other end of the spectrum where it's like, oh, you know, and I this is kind of where I fall.
I did it but I'm sure they didn't mean it doesn't happen that often and it's still that people pleasing minds. It's hard to find that medium where it's like how do I advocate for myself appropriately in the way that I deserve and not do it just because
in that moment I'm feeling very angry.
Yeah, and let me ask you this is it also because you have this like mindset will it's family we should be making it work.
Absolutely. I come from an old school, I would say definitely an old school telling blood is thicker than water like that's your blood it doesn't matter. And so, as I've gotten older I'm kind of like, hmm, sometimes it does matter.
Which I completely hear you and you're right like it does matter and one thing I've been telling my clients so as a society be put such a huge emphasis on a mother as a father as a sister as a brother as a cousin.
If we take those terms away such as we're not going to label mom as mom and she's just a human. Would you have that relationship with her. Exactly. If you take dad away from the father figure would you want a relationship with that person.
I mean it does come down to fundamentally do your core values align, just like in any relationship. Yeah, yeah, my opinion but I definitely when I read about or loved ones are venting to me about those strained family ties.
I definitely feel for them because it's a process that I'm still growing in and going through like I think that I only really started saying no, a little bit was maybe this year, and probably not as much as I should have to be honest with you and I can always say no more
that's something I have to work on. But I do feel for people when they are struggling with their even like immediate family member relationships.
I do feel for it too because I also do it as well and then every time you allow them to cross your boundary to disrespect you you're just enabling them to continue that.
You're right. And I think it's important what you said. If you took the title away.
Would you participate in that relationship would you nourish that relationship. And maybe the answers. I hope that the answers yes. Right. I mean ideally I think it would be great.
I hope maybe the answers know if it's a really toxic individual. Exactly. And you're just holding the standard of parents to it.
It's like that because I said so concept. There's really not a lot of debt to it's more of a control.
That's how I feel. But then I think that conversation brought us to chosen family, which I really think is a unique and fun concept that we've gotten really good at.
Absolutely. I think it's a new concept for this generation of kids and family. Yeah, I agree.
Because like I can fullheartedly say like your family now like you and Andrew are 100% my family.
And the same to you and Steven I genuinely feel like we'll be in each other's lives in some way shape or form forever.
Oh yeah like when we have children like you're going to be and Jacqueline or Jack whichever just not a Jackie I feel like I can't rock and Jackie and Jack.
State you're in at that point. Okay that's true. I'll give you that no 100% give me that that's true. Sometimes the Jackie can come out. That's true.
Yeah, yeah, maybe I'll just refer and Jack.
That's cute. But anyways yeah chosen family I think it's most important concept you can have in your life.
Maybe if those familial like blood relationships family wise aren't in the best shape or you're just going through some tough times or maybe they're cut off completely given the situation.
But can you lean on that concept.
That's really important.
I agree and I mean, there's a difference between like, I have to be with my family because they're blood versus I have to be with this friend because she's just my friend or he's my friend.
Go ahead.
Choose exactly what you want your family to be.
And I think your friends we've said this before your friends are arguably the truest reflection of you.
Ooh, that's a good one.
I think if you look at someone's friendships like who they would say are like their core closest friends.
Yeah, I think you could probably learn more than you think about a person.
Absolutely. And if they don't have any friends that is a red flag my friend and you better run for the hill.
That's also true if they don't have and I'm not saying you need to have like 20 friends.
Not at all but you as human beings for social creatures, but you should be close to individuals.
I agree with you.
If you're not then something else is going on because that's a reflection.
But I think if you're not, you're not going to have any friends that are you want to be friends with you. Why aren't you keeping these friendships. Why don't why are they even there what happened oh there seems to be a conflict and a falling out with every single friendship you've ever had.
Hmm. What does that say about you.
Absolutely.
Those red flags, they'll get you.
we talk about with like friendships and like romantic relationships.
And I really love the one question that we got to talk about or that we should be talking about.
Yeah. So we posted on our Instagram story, which if you're listening to this, please feel free, because when we received this suggestion, I immediately texted you and I was like, this one's going to be juicy.
Like this one's exciting. And it was, how do you know if he is the one versus he isn't the one, which obviously can go for a girl as well.
But I remember texting you and I was like, this one's gonna be good.
Yeah.
So what are you, what are your initial thoughts, reactions to, I think especially with what you've been through, how do you know what one versus.
I know, let's just bring it back.
I know, like once you sent me that I was like, first of all, like my background in psychology, I'm already like, yes, I want to talk about it, but also like my trauma too.
I'm like, I need to speak louder about this concept.
Yes, you do. Because you definitely have a seat at that table that needs to be heard.
Well, first and foremost, I don't think it's like an automatic like feeling that you just get that when you know that they're the right person.
I believe that it's a very gradual process up into that feeling of safety, comfort and consistency.
That last one.
And it's not this lavish relationship all at once, like the highest of highs.
It's just very, very natural.
And for me, it was feeling like I can be myself and be loved unconditionally.
And knowing that was very, very consistent.
I love that.
Because like what you just said, inevitably the highest of highs will only end up with the lowest of lows, like gravity.
Oh, yeah.
That must come down so the higher you climb with that inconsistency, the harder you're going to fall.
Absolutely.
So someone should be looking out for that, I suppose, in your opinion.
Oh, absolutely.
Like I know a lot of people state we get into a lot of fights, but when we're good, we're really good.
And that's just a red flag for me.
That's a trigger, honestly.
Because psychologically, you want to remember the good.
You have that dopamine effect.
So when you're at the low, you're remembering the good.
So the low doesn't hit as hard.
And you're constantly trying to get that high.
You're remembering the good so the low doesn't hit as hard and you're constantly chasing the high.
It's almost like a blurred vision.
Absolutely.
You know it's there, but it's not at the forefront.
Or you have this reality in your mind that everything's good.
Or you have this picture of what it used to be and you're constantly chasing that.
So when did you or not when?
Given that experience that you had in that relationship.
Yeah.
How did that help you evaluate the relationship you're in now?
And how did you know that this was a completely different relationship and it was more in that he is the one realm?
Got it.
I think definitely going back to safety, I felt so safe.
I wasn't afraid to be myself.
I felt like free.
Safe and free.
Isn't that that was interesting concept?
Yeah, safe and free.
That's how I felt too.
I remember when people would say like, how do you know he's the one I would say I just feel so safe.
And they'd be like, well, that's not a good thing.
Like then it's like a safe.
But I don't know, I feel safe because I'm allowed to be the freest of them in.
Yes.
That's that type of safety.
I'm so happy that you clarified that because that's exactly like what I was trying to like portray.
And I just lost what I was going to say.
I'll come back to me.
Okay.
There's like another reason.
Yeah.
I think when I, it causes you when you like receive a question like that, it's like, do I know the answer?
Like, like, it causes me to be like, how did you know?
Obviously I'm married.
I've been married five years in August.
Obviously I found the one for me.
And it really came down to we always talk about and I believe in them, your love languages and words of affirmation.
They should fit and like be receptive to that.
Of course.
But for me, it was more so.
Are you willing to choose to stand by that person's side?
Even if you don't necessarily like what they're saying, agree with what they're saying or agree with a certain point of view or perception that they have.
Or perhaps maybe they're just in a really bad mood that day.
Do you at the end of the day say, yeah, every time.
Like that's my person.
I'm going to choose you every single day, day in and day out, despite the fact that you're going to have trials and tribulations because of course you love that.
Hopefully you're in love.
The love is there, right?
But it takes more than just relying on a feeling.
So for you, it's that constant work ethic of the relationship.
Yeah, I'm going to fight for you.
I'm going to fight for us.
And that's my choice because of how much I love you.
I like that you mentioned that because when Steven and I first started dating.
I asked him, why do you believe in soulmates?
And he said, no, I'm just like,
Andrew says the same thing.
I know.
And I'm like, I'm the same way you and I are like, of course you're my soulmate.
Like I feel like you're my soulmate.
Hope was romantic over here.
Of course.
Like I grew up reading Nicholas Sparks novels.
Come on.
But what he said after that made me really think about it.
And he goes, no, I don't believe that two people just meet and they're automatically like in love and it's the best relationship you ever had.
I'm like, okay, because I believe if you continue to work at it every single day that you continue to show up for your partner in a healthy way and support them.
Then that's a soulmate because you can have soulmates with your best friends too.
Oh,
Mm hmm.
I asked Andrew.
He said it's, it's not as cut and dry as that.
It's, it's not, he goes at some point.
It is just too much.
It's just too much.
And at some point it is just taking the risk and taking that leap of faith because he pretty much said, if you know that you're both in love, and that you both want overall pretty much the same thing out of life or out of each corner.
Wanting the same thing.
And if you just need to take the risk and if, and that made me think, and if you're with somebody that doesn't want to take that risk and you do, maybe that's a sign.
I agree. I think also a sign to looking back at everything I've been through is, are you proud to call that person, your spouse, your partner.
Or not, what is that telling you.
Another one, if you want children, if you can see that person raising your children, and if you feel safe and okay and comfortable with that.
I agree. And I think it also goes back to, are they a good friend.
Like, even are they a good friend to you, right. I mean, of course it's a romantic relationship of course you're in love. But is that person your best friend, can you rely on them in all of the same ways, times 10 that you can rely on your best friend.
For me, if those answers are no.
I'm not sure if that's the right person.
I agree. I also think if you're outweigh the good and the bad. That's an indicator as well.
Or if there is like that much of a stack between pros and cons.
Yeah, or you just say, you know, we do fight a lot, but we always come back together and we mend things okay are you fighting like every single weekend.
Are you fighting just when you travel or just when they travel.
Is there a pattern.
Yes, is there a pattern.
Black.
Absolutely. I think we did pretty well with that one. I mean, I'm never going to claim that we're obviously experts in anything.
No, but I also think I mean it's okay to question things but if you're really sitting there asking yourself why you're in a relationship is this the person.
I think maybe you need to dive into that feeling and go talk to your professional and really weigh out the pros and cons in a safe place.
I agree with you.
I think you need to really ask yourself all of the questions we just asked ourselves. Are you proud. Are they a good friend. Is there a pattern.
Like there is a level of questioning that I think everyone deserves to ask themselves when they are making such a big decision with their life, such as such a serious relationship, or a marriage or living with someone whatever.
I think what I want to like, state to with us is ask yourself, does this person make me the best version of myself.
And if they don't.
And I think you have some thinking to do. I agree I think that your person or the right person for you should elevate you in every way shape and form and should champion you and should be in your corner rooting for you, especially when you can't root for yourself.
Absolutely. And for me this was like very mind boggling because like in my past relationship that was extremely toxic I had the mindset of this person is making me the best version of myself.
I completely lost myself, but my friends and family members were able to see that I wasn't myself and help me like reevaluate that.
So also if your friends are saying, oh my gosh you're glowing, or I'm so happy for you or you know what I love your partner to that's a good sign words and affirmation from your friends.
Yeah, or family to.
I love the question that we got and I hope we get more because I really like hearing other people's opinion. Me too. If this is the first time you're listening to us or if you have been an avid listener please give us the suggestions because they excited us and we want to talk more about what people want to hear us talk about.
Absolutely I mean that's what I do for other podcasts so.
Exactly.
So I think, overall, some of our biggest takeaways from this episode is you'll I think there's a lot of different ways to figure out if that person is right for you, which we mentioned a lot of them.
And I think that at the end of the day.
Like fate and destiny and all of those divine paths, I think it really will let like land you in the right place and you could see that.
I mean, when you were going through you went through the light at the end of the tunnel was not an existence for you but for so many people around you it was the brightest it's ever been.
Oh, like that.
Thanks just, you know those metaphors that I bring to table as an English teacher I'm just sharing with sharing with them all the time.
Teacher Jack I love it love your she's entering the chat.
Always.
I love you, Jack you did. I know. Yeah, listen, listen to your gut and it's a cliche statement that your romantic relationship should be a breath of fresh air you shouldn't be drowning.
Love that.
And choose your family, they don't always have to be blood.
Choose your family sets and boundaries over communicate when it's needed.
Exactly.
Always check your back pockets for your credit cards always check your back pockets forever. I'll never, I'll never not check my back pocket now.
Well, thanks for listening to our episode.
I know what are we double digits next time.
Holy moly we should do something cool for double digits that join us for our episode 10 party. That's we're going to call it, even if it's just us like a kazoo.
You cannot do that.
Am I, I might have to now.
All right, well, let's, we'll hear you guys later not listen.
All right, see you next time.
Bye.