Hey, Big Love Fam, welcome to Super Freak.
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I'm your host, Tali.
This is Super Freak, awakening for the next gen.
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Hey, everybody.
Welcome to this mini-cast on narcissism, part two.
I thought I'd talk about narcissistic grandiosity in this little mini-cast as a follow-up to
the first episode I did on narcissism earlier on in the season, which was pretty dense and
packed with information.
I hope you guys enjoyed it.
But in this one, I want to talk about how this common symptom that all narcissists pretty
much share, which is this sense of grandiosity, it's this false self that they prop themselves
up to believe that they are in order to mask all this inner underpinning wounding.
So let's get into it.
So first, narcissistic grandiosity is one of the common symptoms that narcissists share,
but it's so much more than that than having an inflated ego or what is otherwise known
as the false self, as I call it.
Grandiosity is essentially the false self of an individual.
You see this played out a lot with false twins, which I'll get into in another episode, but
the false self of an individual is created to safeguard any form of guilt, shame, or
inadequacy.
And we've all been there, right?
We all potentially have grown up with either a narcissistic parent or have been in relationship
with a narcissist.
That's how rife this distortion is in the field.
Poster will do anything to safeguard feeling any ounce of guilt, shame, or inadequacy in
front of family members, in front of friends, and especially in front of people they don't
know, they will posture against society to protect this feeling of potential and adequacy
and do anything to avoid it.
The false or pseudo self will do anything literally to maintain and control through perfectionism
and manipulation, especially other people's perception of them, because they have never
fully emotionally matured, which is why they have very black and white thinking, which
is also known as splitting, which means they lack the ability to integrate good and bad
aspects within themselves.
And because they have grown up this way, they have never fully emotionally matured, they
have all of these strategies that they employ to keep themselves safe, like they will deflect
any ounce of criticism or any kind of clapback that you give them when they are supremely
dropping gaslighting bombs over in your field.
They will undermine your experience.
Oh, it wasn't that bad.
That's not what happened.
They'll completely project a different viewpoint of how they see the situation happened or
how they want you to view the situation of whatever happened or how they want you to
view yourself through their eyes.
It's a lot of projection with a grandiose narcissist.
This grandiosity from the false self identity thinks it's perfect.
Here is not at fault for anything and doesn't believe they deserve anything that counters
their way of thinking.
Literally like, are you nodding along to this?
You're like, oh, my God, I can relate.
So let me say that again.
This type of grandiosity from the false self identity thinks it's perfect, superior, and
is not at fault for anything and doesn't believe they deserve anything that counters their
way of thinking.
This grandiosity will show up as judgment of others, their inability to accept any form
of criticism, inability to take any kind of accountability, and creates a ton of entitlement
because they believe they are superior.
Deep down, even though this causes them to feel superior, this is a false reality and
it takes a lot of energy to maintain this level of self delusion and the facade that
they've been keeping up for so many years.
You might see this with an older parent who is just supremely emotional all the time,
can't keep their emotions together, will cry out a whim because something has hit them
a certain way because they have so much unprocessed emotion.
Tell me if you can relate to this.
They become very triggered and reactive when this false self is threatened, when you try
to hold them accountable for their actions, which is why they react negatively when you
try to share your feelings with them because they think you are blaming them.
They will use projection and blame shifting as a way to justify their actions and continue
to uphold their false self.
This programming acts like a protection mechanism to guard the narcissist from ever having to
feel any sorts of shame.
The grandiosity of a narcissist is essentially the reason why they need so much validation.
It takes a lot to keep that false self propped up.
It is also the reason why they protect their public image so viciously, which causes them
to engage in preemptive smear campaigns just in case you should try to expose their imperfections.
This happened to me.
I was sitting at lunch with a parent and some of their friends.
The conversation turned to a point where it was potentially looking negatively on this
parent.
This person walked out, left me sitting in this restaurant, drove off, and I basically
was walking behind where the car had driven off.
It was a little bit of a fit response because this is what narcissism does.
That false self got threatened, didn't want to feel the shame or inadequacy, and took off.
This is also the reason why they cannot accept responsibility for their mistakes and less
than desirable behaviors.
To admit fault or take ownership would start to unravel the false self.
It's debilitating for them.
I really want you to hear this.
If you have a narcissistic parent or you've been with a narcissist, literally you either
have to go into no contact for a while until you restabilize as you disengage from these
toxic people and or understand that no matter what you're doing, they will not see your
perspective on stuff for the most part.
If it has anything to do with threatening their identity, they're incapable of taking
accountability and responsibility.
It's just something you got to put down and accept because you cannot change a narcissist
and you certainly cannot change a grandiose one.
This is why they gaslight and intentionally create confusion through circular conversations
because with clarity comes truth and the truth that they are not able to face.
Whoever been in a conversation with a narcissist, you're shaking your head, then you understand
the circular conversation tactic where they constantly deflect and they keep you in a
loop of deflection and getting you to take accountability or responsibility for something
that they did wrong.
It's like this deflection and then you take accountability for something you didn't do.
You hold the resentment, they have a way of making themselves right or they'll guilt you
into that and it stays in this constant state of avoidance and deflection while nothing
gets achieved and everyone's back to square one and you're none the wiser.
Understand that this grandiosity has become such a hardwired part of their identity that
to construct it feels extremely dangerous to their nervous system.
They're completely incapable of approaching that no matter how old they may be or later
in life they may be or whatever stage of life they'll be.
They're deeply incapable of not only taking accountability, taking responsibility for
their actions but anything that will deconstruct this false identity is a deep, deep threat
to them and they just won't do it.
All right, so let's look at some ways that you can respond to a narcissist and disarm
them.
You want to stay calm and composed, narcissists often try to provoke emotional reactions to
gain a sense of control over others.
So they'll use this type of manipulation through lies and personal attacks to get a
rise out of you so don't let them stay very calm, hold your composure.
Keep your responses to a narcissist extremely brief.
Keep in mind the more information that they get from you, the more likely they are to
go back and forth and they're going to use that information against you in a way to undermine
and diminish your own experience.
Set boundaries and stick to them.
I cannot say this enough, like legitimately withhold details.
So for an example, had a client, she was talking to me about her family, they're very, very
entrenched and she tends to overshare details about her life to people who haven't earned
the right to be able to hold the container for the details of her life because they don't
see her.
So instead, I was just throwing some suggestions her way.
I said, look, if someone asked you, like, hey, where do you think you're moving to next
and you give them like a wishy washy type of response?
Well, I'm thinking about this and I'm thinking about this and like all your thoughts and
projections and things that you've been working on personally within yourself.
And you give that information to somebody.
They now have a goalpost or a measuring stick or something to use in order to potentially,
like again, undermine your own experience or to make you feel bad about something when
you quite haven't sorted it out yourself.
So less is more.
I'm not sure yet.
I haven't decided, but I know that I'll cross that bridge when I get there.
So really short, poignant answers that don't have a lot of detail.
I don't know.
I haven't thought about that yet, but I know that I'll have the information when I need
to make that decision.
If you're in constant communication with a narcissist, get them to commit to something
in writing.
So for example, if you have parents that you live with or you have parents that are helping
you raise your children, for example, friends, family, et cetera, or an ex-partner and you're
co-parenting, give them things like this.
Text me the time and place so we don't have any mix up.
Or since there's been some miscommunication about my deliverables, please email me your
requirements if you're in a business setting.
I had this too.
I had to be very lawyer in my communication when I had my agency.
People tend to get very emotional in text messages and emails, whereas like, yeah, I'm
really not feeling the direction of this is where we should go.
I took a look at the creatives again.
I just had this overwhelming sense of anxiety.
And then I was looking at some, oh, stop, just stop.
The creatives will be delivered by this time and this date.
The feedback we're looking for is this three criteria.
My expectations is that the feedback will be short brief within the criteria that I
just provided and will be provided by this date.
Parameters, structure.
When you share less with people who have not earned the right to hear your story, you will
cultivate a deeper sense of trust within yourself.
This is how we wildly self-abandoned.
This is like a self-abandonment, self-sabotage martyrism 101 is we overshare with people
who don't or haven't earned the right to hear our story.
And then that gas lights us.
We feel more of a vacancy, more guilt, more shame and unworthiness and we don't feel
chosen.
I'm not even seen by my own family.
How can I truly be seen by a partner or friends or other family members, et cetera.
When in doubt, if you're in conversation with a narcissist, you literally can just say,
I'm sorry, that doesn't work for me.
I can understand how you feel about that way, but I feel differently.
I don't see myself that way.
Something like this, right?
Or I remember it differently.
Or love this, this is my favorite.
I will only have a conversation with you about this if you're willing to listen and try to
understand my perspective.
If not, I'm not available for that.
Or I'm not going to explain why this is important to me, but it is.
So go back and write all those down.
Use those because this is fundamental ways to disarm a narcissist or my favorite.
I'm not willing to talk about that right now.
By the way, you can always use this.
I'm going to step away from this conversation or thank you for inviting me, but I'm not
available.
You do not have to justify, argue, defend or explain yourself to anybody at any time,
including family.
Not everybody is going to understand why you're doing the things that you're doing, but you
know internally why you're doing them.
And hold on to that and let that be enough.
I know it can be tricky moving through the holiday season, especially navigating familial
dynamics, but you guys got this.
I hope you enjoyed this cast.
Remember to question everything.
Be kind to yourself and others, and I will see you guys on another episode.
Take care.
Thanks so much for listening, you guys.
Please make sure to leave a review and follow the fun on social media because that's how
it works in this world.
In the meantime, get your freak on.
I'll see you in the next session.