Welcome to the Tales from the Crypt podcast. We are an actual play podcast featuring a
revolving cast of players making our way through micro RPGs, highly narrative tabletop games,
and the more popular and less known RPG systems from a wide variety of genres. Content may
not be suitable for children and content warnings can be found in the description. I'm Riley
Groves and I'll be your host, your guide, your GM on this episode of Tales from the Crypt.
Have you arrived at the mall yet? I'm going to give his credit card to the first kid I see.
Oh my god. And tell him, go get all your friends and go spend all this money. And I hand it to the
kid and I shoo him away and I head to the mall. Okay. The two of you go in the mall and Fanny goes,
I thought there were three of you. What the fuck? He's doing the covert part of the operation.
What covert part? I'm not getting into any sewers. No one said anything about that. You don't need
to know about it. I know what a covert is. I've seen them before. All right, we're going to get
to the Sephora. That's a culvert. You're a convert. It's a culvert. What's a culvert? Stop it. Okay,
you guys got to go get some clothes. And she's like, the only place that you guys can shop is
going to be the Banana Republic because that's the kind of mood I'm in today. I'm going to go
to Sephora. Okay, give us your dad's wallet. Okay. Well, it's kind of icky. It's Velcro. Don't one of
us have to follow her? Yeah, I guess so. She just kind of tosses the wallet on the floor in between
the two of you and strums off through the mall. All right, I pick it up. Do you want to stay with
her or do you want to go? I'll follow her. I guess at least I can just block her out on this side.
There's seven more cards I give. Oh, she's got her own money. Yeah, she's got plenty of her own money.
All right. My dad's got limits on all his cards, so just be careful. So use mix and match? Yeah,
you'll probably have to. I make him max his out first before we max mine out. So he's got like
maybe a month's worth a month of minimum monthly payment worth on all of those cards because he
doesn't have a real job. He's not a real man. Okay. He can't provide. I'm the provider for that.
Is she going to be able to provide the payment for our services though? Is that real? He already did
that. He already gave us 20 grand in cash. Okay. Why am I paying for anything? Anyways, let's go
get our makeup done. And she continues to head towards you're going with her side of the barn.
Follow her to Sephora, I guess. I'll get your makeup done. I'm not going to get any makeup done.
I'm not ever going to go into the store. I'm going to be like that grumpy person that stands on the
outside while this girl's in there shopping and just like leaned up against the thing. Just like,
Oh God, I'm not going in there. You hear it inside and they're like, Fanny, is that guy with you?
And she's like, no, he's only got one eye. He can't be with me. He doesn't even have two eyes. And
like you drowned out the conversation. Um, make a ply training role. That's a five, seven, seven
minus plus or minus anything. If it's an observation, it's a zero. And, uh, agent gathers. Right. All
right. So, uh, I head to the banana Republican and I just find the first employee. Like I need, uh,
three outfits from, you know, just dress me like this mannequin over here. Hey dude. Yeah. I could
give you the off the mannequin rack special. Perfect. Yeah. All right. Yeah. Cool. Cool. Cool.
Cool. Which one, which mannequin do you want to look like sweater vest crop top dude or button
down? I'm going to take the button down. All right. And then we can put one at each in the, uh,
you gotta take those in the bag. She knows for each of you who's wearing the boat shoes. Is it you,
you wearing the boat shoes by bro? Oh, we're all wearing the boat shoes. Oh, boat shoes, boat shoes
all around. That's cool. $10 off for three pairs of boat shoes. Oh, perfect. Uh, yeah. What are you
wearing underwear wise? Like what do you got? You got that under control? Do you want to look just
like under control? We're commandos. Oh, you command bro. All right. Like fucking risky.
Whoever's wearing the dockers, like be careful. It's like the zipper sticks. So just don't like,
you know, you get it. You get it. Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. Man. Uh, yeah. How would you like to pay
for this today? That's going to be $477. Um, let's try this card first. And I hand him a discover
card. Okay. Uh, yeah. Okay. And he swipes that one. He's like, uh, that one, uh, one says funds
insufficient. Right. Can we try and split it? Can you try and put 200 on that card? And he runs it
again. Uh, this is, so this is kind of embarrassing, but that says insufficient funds again. Okay.
Okay. Okay. Okay. Let me, let me try another one here. Um, I got it. I got a Wells Fargo one here.
Let's try a hundred dollars on there. Okay. Uh, yeah. Oh my dude, that one went through. All right.
Cool. A hundred dollars down, 377 to go. All right. Cool. Can we just try another hundred dollars in
the Wells Fargo card? Okay. It swipes again. Uh, make a roll for me. Four. Yeah, man. $40 went through.
So like you're down, you're down, you're getting down there. Okay. Another $330. How many cards do
you have? Um, it's quite a lot. This, this wallet is pretty thick and it's mostly just cards in here.
Oh, just, you know what? If you're cool with this, we'll just, I'll just take them all
and like try to spread them around. Okay. Yeah. Sure. He's going to make a technical roll.
Yeah, man. I was able to spread it all around. I will say you are probably carrying some pretty
heavy interest, my dude. I probably should have asked for an ID too. What's your name?
Uh, Brock. Checks out bro. All right. Um, yeah, man. So I put it on all seven of these cards.
Uh, they all seem like they have insanely high interest rates, my dude. Um, but you know what?
The miles, am I right? Exactly. It's all about the credit. Yeah. You know, 5% back.
The fuck. Yeah. And he hands you the most absurdly oversized fucking plastic bag with the rest of
these clothes individually folded into like piles. Cause all right, my man, like looking good,
looking like a mannequins. Now I've got to go dress those sons of bitches back up. All right.
All right. Perfect. And, uh, we'll see you later. What's the return policy again? Oh yeah. There's
no returns at the banana Republic. Ooh. Oh, all right. Cool. Bochers are nice. We like them. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Scotty Fitzgerald, you arrive at the mall. I'm going
to go straight to Claire's. Okay. You had, there's now like people coming into the mall
and like funneling towards Claire's like pushing children out of your way. Um, how do you,
how do you hide your suppressed shotgun or do you not have it with you? Oh, I have it with me.
It's just tucked in my coat. I have a high, I have a high holster. So just kind of things stick out.
It's just sawn off. It's only got a pistol grip. It's just sawn off with a silencer on it. Okay.
And it's not long before you run into agent gathers with this absurdly large shopping bag.
What the hell is that? Oh, this is the uniform, man. Here you get to pick one. There's two left.
It's a, a crop top man shirt and a, a sweater vest shirt. I think the sweater vest is more your
speed crop top. I'm not sure, but I think it'll look great on the side of a barn. Me too. I'm
going to put on the sweater vest and whatever pants don't pinch your dick in the zipper.
Why are you going to give me the pants that pinch my dick in the zipper? Dude, you know,
you wouldn't even see it coming. I got to choose before you. That's why you wouldn't even see it
coming. It would just be like, whack. Okay. Um, you guys eventually walked through the mall and
your new outfits and you come across, uh, the side of a barn, just posted up on the outside of Sephora.
This bitch has been in there for an hour and a half. Since I've had to change, can I wrap the
gun up in like the bag and other clothes? So it just kind of looks like I'm carrying them. Or can
I put, how big is this bag? You sound insanely certain. Can I put the shotgun in the bag? Yeah,
I could definitely sit. All right, cool. With all the old clothes. All the old clothes to keep it
in shape. All right. Here's the approved outfit for you, man. What the fuck are you guys wearing?
What she said, man. There's some boat shoes in there for you though. Yeah, we got new boat shoes.
Great boat shoes. Let us know how the, the crop top feels. Yeah. Yeah. You guys taking over watching
her cause I'll just go fucking wander to the bathroom change and I'll be fine. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Try to find a bathroom where, you know, just. Yeah. I don't think I can drop Trow here in the
middle of the mall. It'd be funnier if you did. I think it'd be counter to our arm. You know,
we plan on not dropping. There's a couple of kids around here. Yeah. Just, just go change. We'll
follow princess around. Yeah. She's been in there for like an hour now. I don't even know. I have
drowned. She's still in there, right? As you say that and turn around, she is not, she is not in
that Sephora any longer. Son of a bitch. I stopped paying. I drowned her out. I kind of, I can keep
listening to her. All right. Well you go change. We'll go in. All right. We'll go to the Sephora
counter. Start looking around for her. You want to go in and I'll look around for her? Yeah, sure.
So I go, I go into the Sephora counter like, Hey, um, Hey, um, you know, kind of particular
young woman come in here to get her makeup done recently. About eight girls turn around and like
glare at you when you say that like only particular girls come in here. This is called the particular
makeup place. Um, there is one named Franny. Have you seen her? Franny or Fanny? Fanny. Have I,
have I like mixed those two up throughout this thing? I don't know. The mom called her Fanny,
Franny. And then the dad was calling her Fanny. I do believe that was the case. Interesting.
Interesting. Well, one's probably her middle name. Um, oh yeah. Fanny. Fanny, Franny. Yes.
Yeah. Fanny Mae. Yeah. Fanny. She, she needed to have the makeup around her eyes redone. Oh yeah.
It looked like somebody punched her. Did you like, who are you to her? Right? Um, we're, we're,
we were here after that happened. Apparently something happened. We were in a parking lot
and her dad hired us to make sure it didn't happen again. Did somebody punch her? I don't know.
Did somebody punch Fanny? I heard that. She deserved it. Shut up. That's what's been said. Yeah. Anyhow, do you know which way she went?
Oh yeah. She went through the employee exit in the back of the store. Oh. She was headed down to the
Claire's. Oh, so she was, okay. All right, cool. We're going to head down there too then. You want to go
through the employee thing? Yeah, without a doubt. Yes. But you're not an employee. Um, actually I am.
I'm from the Claire's, I'm from the Sephora regional office. You know, I'm here as a spokesperson to
follow Fanny to promote our brand. Oh, make an interpersonal role for me. Six. Um, on a six, she goes,
uh, yeah, I don't, I don't really believe that you're from HQ. Not from HQ. Maybe not my HQ. You don't
look like a Sephora employee. You don't even have your foundation done right. We are from, I'm, I'm
from the HQ. I'm here. This is the subdued look that the, you know, senior management is going
for right now. We don't want to draw attention to ourselves. So that's why my foundation is not done
properly. Um, my God, you're not getting through that door. Uh, and you're going to stop me.
I mean, she cracks her knuckles. I will protect the Sephora with my life. Okay. But I mean, isn't
there a Sephora desk out here? I'm just trying to go through the, the secret employee mall tunnel.
Like that's not really- Make another interpersonal role. That's the service exit. You let the janitor
go through there. I got an eight. Okay. You're right about the janitor, but whatever we do in
that hallway is our business and has nothing to do with you. So what do you do with the janitor in
that hallway? Leave Johnny Janitor out of it. Does your boss know about Johnny Janitor and what you
do in the hallway? I will report this right up the chain. You know, I just go, okay, just go and just
go. And like you see Johnny Janitor starting to walk into the Sephora. He's like got this really
fucking cocky walk. And then she's like, get out, get out Johnny. Not now. All right. Okay. Geez.
Which way is it to the Claire's once I get in there? Left. No, right. My right. Okay. Left. All right.
Left or right? Are you, is Scotty with him? I was outside, so I was going to look around and head
towards Claire's. Okay. He was going to Claire's on the outside. Okay. So you're headed towards
Claire's. There's now like a crowd, not just a crowd, a large crowd of like all aged girls and
women and like suspiciously old dudes, like some gross old dudes, a lot of people taking pictures
and they're like really fawning over the idea of Fanny coming through here. They've got like masks
that you hold up and it's like Fanny's face, but like the eyes are cut out so they can pretend to
be Fanny. And they're all very excited. Since I'm dressed like this and I look like I'm carrying
like a box of roses, like, or no, I'm carrying it back. Sorry. I'm carrying a bag of things.
Sorry. I was thinking Terminator when I was, Oh yeah. You totally went Terminator. When he was
doing that, I'm like, I should just go on like Terminator. I'm going to stand there and kind of
like just join the crowd and look like I'm enthusiastic about this mess. Okay. On your
trip to the bathroom, Agent Barton. Yeah. Hopefully I don't zip. You guys gave me the pants that zips
my dick doesn't, did you? You mean all pants will if you're not careful. He didn't say they zip
thick. He said they stick. So. Yeah. So I guess I would, uh, I guess I'd change my fucking clothes
to look like these. So you get to the bathroom and it's like, it's packed. There's people in every
stall. Even the, even the pisser stalls. There's like for some reason the people everywhere.
Normal size met, a normal age bent though. So it doesn't get terrible. It's like all the
day. Yeah. I wouldn't even wait for a stall. I just start stripping it off. Um, drop my, uh,
banana light machine gun on top of my clothes, change into the other clothes in the middle of
the like, in the middle of the place and pick that thing up and put it back behind me. And then just
walk back out with like my clothes and like one hand, like just, and you leave the bathroom wearing
boat shoes, chinos and a crop top with a giant stuff. But every old dude that was in here is like,
the fuck was that? Oh yeah. Yeah. Them and their agendas, man. And uh, yeah. One eye.
One eye. Jesus Christ. I hate this mall. I hate this place. This is the worst job I've had in
years. Okay. Gathers, you go into the, into the back hallway and you just hear, I need to talk to
Claire. I am lost. And like, you just, you just hear it coming from different, yeah. You just
hear her voice echoing from different parts of like this. It's pretty gross back here. Just like
concrete cinder blocks. Yeah. You just hear echoes of her. Oh my God. Give me Mr. Mall. I don't know
who I need to talk to you. Just give me somebody that can get me out of this accursed place. This
isn't even like the real mall. This is like shitty mall. All right. I'm going to just look on the wall
and see if there's a sign saying which stores are down which hallways. And then just going to
not see any like, all right, not at this intersection. Listen for a second. I think
I hear her voice coming more from the right. So that's the way I'm going to go. Okay. Give me,
uh, give me a technical roll. Eight. Eight. All right. We'll give it to you on an eight.
You do, you do find Fanny and she's like, she's stuck in this like closet that she could back
out of. She's like, Oh my God, what is happening here? It's so dark. All right. Come on, Fanny.
You're, why are you in the closet? Ew. Who are you? I'm the security guard. Remember? No, I don't. He
was dressed of it. Well, yeah, we went to the bandana. We went to the band, the banana republic and
got the outfits you suggested. So, you know, it's time to make your way to Claire's. I don't know why
you went this way, but this is, you know, we got to go. I thought this was the exit. I'm just trying
to get to the Claire's. I understand. But I'm like an hour and a half late and that is your guys' fault.
According to what the lady at Sephora told us, it's not true, but let's go. Yeah, you're late. So
we got to get going. And I, you know, help her back out of the closet and just through whatever
store is, you know, the next door on the right that leads us back into the mall. Okay. Um, you,
you guys do, you, you find it, right? You find the sign that's like Claire's and, uh, she stops you
before and she grabs your hand and she goes, listen, this is a big day for me. This is the 14th
biggest meet and greet I've ever been to in my whole life. This is Triple Pine Mall's Claire's
meet Fanny meet and greet event. I can't have you guys ruin this. Can you tell your friends to act
normal? They're all, where everybody's acting normal, they're already set in their positions,
scouting down from the outside. We'll come in the back entrance, make sure it's all secure
and we'll have, you know, screening for all of the fans here. So we'll make sure that you're safe,
but we'll keep our distance so you don't have to see us. Yeah. Don't stand near me.
No, there's a reasonable distance. What about the one with the eye?
We got him another eye. Oh good. No, I wasn't going to let him near me. Um, okay. So don't come in,
like wait till I go through and then wait seven to 12 minutes. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm
going to go through first and then you'll come in. Are you going to hype the crowd up for me?
Yes. That's what I'm going to do. Oh sick. What are you going to say?
I can't tell you. You'll just have to hear it when it happens.
Uh, I don't like that so much. All right. You know what? We're late already and this is cutting
it into my time with my fans. Exactly. Get through the door and I'll come through a few,
a little bit after you. Okay. Okay. All right. So I open the door. She busts through, Fanny is here
and like before you get into the room, like she abandoned your stupid plan and she just busted
in and the crowd goes like bananas as she goes and takes some throne seat. I don't know what
eclairs is really, but I know it's for piercing chair person. Okay. Piercing chair. So they have
one that like she specifically requested that looks like a little throne instead of like a
regular piercing chair, unless they already look like thrones. Then I also would not know.
No, they look like those little, no idea. Okay. So it's like a little throw and they're like,
okay, time for Fanny's meet and greet. And like you get boxed out pretty well by like a bunch of
people. And it's, it's, it's like hours and hours that there are people funneling in and taking
pictures with Fanny. And she's like taking a break every 15 minutes. She's like, this is exhausting.
I need another subway. Jared said they were good for me. Six inches at a time. Am I right?
And, um, the day, the day goes on pretty well. You guys get one text message and it's, I sent the
Uber to the mall. Winky face. Okay. It's from, and it's from Brock. You recognize the number.
All right. It's from Brock. Okay. Why did he send an Uber? We have his car. I don't know.
You guys ordered an Uber. They were coming. That man is a fucking great. Oh, right. Right. Right.
The Uber I ordered earlier. So he sent them to the mall. But why did he do? Oh, well,
hopefully they'll just go. There's a, there's a follow-up text and it's like, it's very long.
Winky face. Oh, he sent a long Uber. And, um, yeah, the day, the day goes on and, you know,
it's pretty cringy overall, but you know, not much happens. And as it like reaches about five o'clock,
the meet and greet comes to an end and Claire's like, I have to get out of here.
Yeah. Where are we getting her out of here? Just walking around, right? I'm in the crowd.
I don't know why I talk to me. Just walking around, right? Back door. Oh,
we got to go to the icky back mall again. I hated that place. There's not even things for sale.
And they have the dark closet. Guys, let's just walk out the front. Walk out the front. Okay. All
right. Will you stay here for a minute? We're going to disperse this crowd and make it a pathway.
Okay. So none of the peasants touch you. Can we stop at the Sabaro? If Sabaro wants to sponsor us,
we could put your ad here. This is fresh already. Oh, that's okay. Go get me another subway six inch.
Okay. You want the meatball sweet onion chicken teriyaki this time. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. All right.
We'll get that on the way home actually. Oh, okay. Your dad sent the Uber so we don't have to take
his icky car back. Good. Fuck that icky car. Wait, has the Uber been waiting? He's so irresponsible
with my money. And she gets like, disperse this crowd. And she begins to storm out. Disperse.
Why are we protecting her? She's got death threats. She's not going to get paid. Okay. Okay.
Money. Money. Right. Okay. All right. I think this is your time to shine here. Side of a barn.
Agent Barnes, let's disperse the crowd. Make a path through the crowd. Peaceful path through
the crowd. Ah, peaceful. Yeah, I can do that. I'll clear the way for her. Sure. Make a combat
roll to get through this crowd of teenage girls. Oh, God. Seven plus one. Eight. Eight. Yeah. I
don't punch too many kids in the face, hopefully. Maybe I do. That old creepy guy that stands in the
middle. He's going down. You're as tactful as a brick, but it works. You get through. Fanny's
super unhappy about how many people are so close to her. You created a path, but not a wide enough
path for no one to touch Fanny. They reach out. They're like, Fanny. And she's like, ew, gross
hands. As she continues to walk. But you guys do make it outside. And she's like, where's the
subway? It's on the way home. We can't stop with them at the mall. It closed now. They were out of
the sweet onion dressing. Oh, gross. Icky mall. And she gets into the back of this, just the first
black car that's parked outside on the curb. She closes the door behind her too, right in your
guys' faces. She's going to be kidnapped. Okay, come up now. And the Uber begins to drive away.
Oh, that's not good. I got to chase after it and try and open up the front door. Okay. I'm gonna
make a, make a technical roll, I guess. Yeah, technical. I got a 10. Okay. Yeah. You get into
the front door. Like it's not far enough away where it was too much trouble, but you managed
to slide in. For some reason it wasn't locked either. You know, they hadn't hit nine miles an
hour yet or whatever. And so the door didn't lock. What are the other two doing? I'm gonna hold up the
keys for the Mercedes and go, I can drive. Go for it. Okay. You have, are you taking the truck or
are you just riding around with him? Okay. How many other vehicles does this Uber have? Is it
just the one? It's just the one that you see at the moment driving away. Okay. Yeah. We're
gonna hop in the Mercedes. Okay. Hey buddy. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. What are you, what are you
jumping in here for? I'm here to pick up a girl. Right. Yeah. This girl. Fannie Mae. Exactly. I'm
the detail with her. We're ready to go to the subway, right? Gotta get that sweet onion chicken
teriyaki. Subway. I was bringing her right back home. The app, the voicemail message didn't say
anything about a subway. Well, it was a change of plans. So just stop at the subway. Stop at the
subway. Okay. He drives to the nearest subway. It's a drive through subway for some reason.
And he's like, you don't even have to get out of this one. It's a local favorite. Perfect. Yeah.
And you guys pull up and he's like, and yeah, for Fannie, a six inch sweet onion chicken teriyaki,
uh, myself, I'll have the tuna. Uh, anything for you big guy? No, I'm, I'm okay. Okay. Uh,
okay. Give me the tuna special please. And, uh, he pays for it himself. And he's like, would you,
you begin to drive away as he gets the bag? And he goes, could you please pass this, uh, to Fannie
Mae? I can't, I'm driving. I can't reach over my shoulder. Okay. So I take the bag and I, you know,
I'm going to inspect it first and take this, you know, open up the bag. I see two subs. They both
just look like normal subs. You know, it's take one out and start to unwrap it. See if it's the
tuna or the chicken teriyaki. There are two subs. One of them is clearly a chicken teriyaki. The
other has like a light that's flashing in it and something is buried in the tuna fish. Oh, right.
Interesting. I'm going to throw this one out the window. Oh, my tuna. Sorry. Yeah. It didn't smell
good. That was bad. Tuna. Oh, huh. Can you roll down the weird partition divider thing here? Just
a little bit. She doesn't want to see too far. They're going to pass her a sandwich. Yeah. He,
he, he rolls it down. Is there anyone back there with her? It's just her. She's like vlogging and
she's like, look at me and my, um, limo and stuff. Just toss the sandwich back there to her.
Ew. You splattered it. Make an apply training check. Okay. I'm going to apply my technical skills and
observation to see if I can tell which direction we're going. If we're actually driving back to
the home we're supposed to or if it is starting to look unfamiliar to me. Okay. 10. 10. On a 10,
um, you like pass the sandwich back and on your way back, you're looking, you are in the right
neighborhood. However, also you see from under one of the driver's arms, there is a, now a
silence pistol aiming right at me and he like shoots two shots. They both end up missing you
completely. However, you know, he does have a gun pointed at you. Oh shit. Um, why don't you, uh,
stop this guy just got a shot at me. I'm going to pull my gun out and shoot back at him. Okay.
Roll a combat roll. All right. I'm going to roll a combat roll. Do I see this? Do I see this half
with like the limo start fucking around? I got a 10 minus one. Uh, and what kind of gun do you have
again? Uh, some machine gun. Actually, actually I'm just shining the flashlight at him. Okay. Um,
yeah. So you, you blind this guy and he jerks the wheel and it's at this moment that you guys in
back behind, you know, a few car lights in the G wagon do notice that the limo all the sudden makes
this most erratic fucking thing. How does he notice it goes to the right?
I notice it leave my field of vision. Where'd the limo go? Oh, there it is. Oh, where's it going
again? Should I shoot him? Should I try and grab his gun? Hey, you're bar and pull up alongside.
If you're going to pull up alongside, make a technical rule, apply your training, your driving
training. We're dead. Okay. On the three, you do not get any closer. And the reason why is because
all of a sudden from the side of you that you can't see your car gets rammed by another black SUV
knocking you kind of off your course to move on. So we just got T-boned on my blind side.
Fuck this. And I am the shotgun with that car that just came up on our right hand side. Cause that's
a side I'm on. That's a six. Not so great. You, you take your shot at it and like the front window
seems a bit bulletproof and then out of the sun roof and like for whatever reason out of the sun
roof pops a guy with a, with his own SMG and he begins peppering the fucking AMG and you're going
to take one body armor damage. Okay. Back to limo. All right. You stunned him once though. Yeah,
I stunned him. So after the flashlight stunned him, I'm going to see if I can grab his pistol
that he's pointing at me. Okay. There'll be combat. I think that's combat. Yeah, definitely combat.
Oh, that's an eight. An eight. Okay. An eight. You can wrestle his gun away. However, he's,
he is still like actively fighting you for it and like pulls out a knife getting ready to stab you.
Okay. So I got the gun, but I'm possibly going to get stabbed. Yeah, you are in harm's way.
Okay. I'm going to take his gun like, Oh, easy there, man. No need, no need to get stabby here.
Just pull this, pull this limo over. Make an interpersonal roll. See if you can talk him into
pulling over. I cannot. I got a three. Yeah. He stabs you. Like he's stabbed you with a fucking
knife. So reduce your body armor by one. He's just like, he's like, fuck you. And he just jabs his
knife into you. Just fucking shirk the wheel. Now, now I'm going to shoot him. Okay. Combat
roll. Combat roll with the submachine gun. Uh, got a seven. On a seven. You do kill this guy.
However, as he falls like out of the door that you've riddled with bullets now, you guys can see
like blood and viscera and brains like just shot out of the side of this Uber XL and the wheel gets
jerked completely right into a fucking telephone pole. Oh dear. Yeah. So Fanny goes flying in the
back and like, it's just, she's just cursing the whole time. What the fuck? I thought this
was supposed to be a good subway trip and I just, I've had the worst day of my whole life. Iggy man.
And like she's going on and on, you know, her face has taken another bit of bruise. We're in fact
going to track Fanny's fucking, Fanny's HP over here, which isn't, isn't great, but she's just a
little civilian person. Yeah. So the limo has effectively stopped at this point. Agent barn.
So we got T-boned and you missed the driver. Yeah. And now your car's getting shot by it.
But our car is getting shot. Hey, what are you doing? Do I ask you back? The limo. So the limo
crashed what? How far ahead? How far ahead? Uh, you know, eighth of a mile. Not, not, we're not
moving, right? Like, I mean, I'd say you guys are still moving somewhat. Like you're still drivable.
Get us up there. Just gas pedal. Just gas pedal us up to the car that crashed. Gas pedal up to the,
so yeah, okay. Yeah. Just, um, I'll try to keep driving the G-Wagon and get it up to the limo
that just fucking hit a telephone pole. Okay. Oh God.
You better shoot those fucking guys. That's a nine. Nine. Yeah. Nine. You're good. You pull up
on a nine. You pull right up. However, like the threat still persists. There's, there's still,
you know, the one vehicle of guys shooting at it. They just followed you over there. There's like,
okay. And then you pull up and stop and stop. And, um, at that, a second SUV coming down the
highway behind you. Oh God. The SUV is coming from the right side of the road.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So once I see, I'm crashed in the limo, I see them limp up next to us.
I'm going to get out of the car and I'm going to just toss my smoke grenade just a little bit
behind the limo towards the oncoming SUVs. Did you shoot, did you, did you take another shot
at the guy in the, in the, you didn't shoot at him? No, I was just getting out of the car. We drove
away. Okay. Defensive position. Okay. So you're going to be in the car. Yeah. Okay. So you're
we drove away. Okay. Defensive position. Yeah. We got to get another vehicle and get moving. So,
I'm going to smoke pops. No, I'm not going to sewer in Jersey.
Fanny is. Yeah. So you guys, you pop smoke, make a technical role for that. We're going to see if
the other guys end up shooting at you. That's snake eyes. Yeah. As you're looking, running around,
looking for a fucking sewer, sewer great through the smoke, you're trying to drag Fanny along with
you. And she's just like, Oh my God, I'm, I don't want to do this. I don't run. And like,
they can pretty easily track you. The car that was already there and like, they're just firing.
You're going to take another, uh, you know, thing to your body armor. Yeah. And you don't find a
sewer grate in the immediate area. So now you guys are just in the road with Fanny. There's a pretty
sizable like pile up now as you guys have disrupted traffic and by crashing and getting shot at. And
there's just like a car now driving around, shooting at you guys. And another one that's
like going to be here probably in one turn, not long. It's a car. So what are we doing now guys?
I mean, I'm just going to start shooting. I think we need to fall back.
I'm going to commandeer a local vehicle. Now you're going to try an interpersonal role.
Yep. I'm going to try and someone has slowed down to see if we're all all right in this,
you know, limousine crash and I'm going to be like, yes, we are all right, but we need your car.
Can we please borrow it? A Dodge Challenger Hellcat is the only one that stops. Can you get
this car? I'm going to try with an eight. Yeah. And eight, we'll give it to you. It's absurdly fast.
You've never driven something so fast. That's like so touchy. It's tuned just right.
I mean, it's like, um, I don't know about this. It's not really, I don't ride in Dodges.
Push her in the front seat, shut the door and tell agent. Yeah. You don't do it.
Yo, I'm not taking the sewer. Get in the car. I hate this day. You guys are the worst.
She doesn't shut up as you push her. There's only two doors and there's only front doors.
What is the seating arrangement inside? I'm telling him to just go with her.
Yeah. It's her out of here. I was going to turn around and put my banana onto the roof of the
G wagon and set up for the SUV coming down toward us. I'm just going to get her out of here.
Right on. So you guys, you guys just get in and stop on it. All right. Let's jump to side
to agent barn barns barns barnside agent barnside. That's your call. Take barnside.
You prop your banana. Is it still inside the banana? Yeah. Okay. So it's going to blow the
top of the banana. It's going to look like I just threw a banana up on top of the roof and
the person driving is probably like, what the hell? And then it's just going to
blow up once I pull the trigger. What are you aiming for? I'm going to send all my rounds
toward the driver of the oncoming SUV with the high cowl around. So even if possibly break out
that bulletproof window. And that's a five. I spray a lot of people. Yeah. You live up to your
name and you just begin spraying cars. Luckily, all the pedestrians that were in their cars, like
once gunfire erupted, most of them have evacuated the streets. So it's just like a pile up of cars
now. And you just raining fire on so many of them, just destroying them utterly and totally. And you
know, the insurance company is not going to pay for that for anybody. It seems the only cars you
do miss are the two that you need to hit. Agent Fitzgerald. There's a car driving around us
currently trying to shoot at us, right? Yeah. It's stopped now. It's stopped driving as you guys have
stopped moving. So I'm aiming my fire towards them. Okay. Towards them. What part in particular?
If the windows open and they're trying to shoot at me, I'm going to try and shoot. They're out of the sunroof.
The one dude's out of the sunroof. I'm going to try and hit the guy hanging out of the sunroof. Okay.
10. Fucking obliterate the guy. So there's no more dude hanging out of the sunroof with an SMG
in one car. Cool. That takes the immediate bullets out of your body. Yes. If you want to get into that car,
I can give you an explosive to blow its door open. Oh yeah. Toss me in a grenade. I'll drop it through
the sunroof. No, it's a breaching charge. Oh. If we put it on the road and blow up the incoming car.
That would be timing and I don't time things. Breaching is all about timing. I mean, you guys
don't, you can aid each other. Yeah. So like one of you could place it and the other could aid.
You guys like get down together. The one stands behind the other and like guides
your hands down to place the charge, right? You hold hands while you go to blow it up. I was just
saying if you breach and charge the door, you get into the SUV provided that nobody's coming out of
it. See what happens. Yeah. See what happens. We might need that later. Let's jump to the Hellcat.
Flying down the street. Like you're unprepared for the speed. Whoa.
Oh my God. Have you ever driven before? We're going way too fast. Look at my hair. Would you
roll the windows up? I don't know how to do that. They had knobs in my day. There's just a bunch of
buttons in here. No, don't tell me you don't know what a knob is. I know what a knob is. You're
gross and old. I don't want to know. That's what I said. I'm old. This is going very fast. Okay.
You try to pull your training together from over the years and you're like, I've got this. I can
drive this. It's just a car. It's just a car. It's an eight. Okay. You get where you're going,
but you're stomping on the gas so much that as you hit the suburbs, it runs out of gas.
And Fanny's like, ew, why'd you stop? Well, the car's done as far as this one went. Ew,
this car just died? They just died? That's what happens. All things just die. The car, it went
now. What am I going to just die? No, Fanny Mae lives forever. Oh, except you. Correct. Right.
Exactly. Okay. Well, get me home. So push or whatever. I don't know. It's like really warm
outside and I can't, I can't go out there. What if people see me walking? Maybe they'll give you a
ride. Ew. A ride in someone else's car where they spill French fries and make nuggets and drink diet
coke. I'm going to stay right here. Okay. You stay right here. Roll all the windows up all the way.
And I'm going to get outside and find a new car. As soon as you get out, the windows roll up and
she blocks the doors. And she sits in the back on her phone. I'm going to observe the surrounding
area and see if there's a friendly looking person or a, you know, a car driving by that I can
kind of persuade to give us a ride. There's a teenager standing like immediately next to you
and from over their phone, like you can hear Fanny Mae's voice. Ew, I'm just having the worst day,
guys. I thought it was going to go so much better, but I got in this icky car and it died. It's just
broken and it died forever now because it ran out of gas and now I'm stuck here and I don't even
know where I am. And the guy goes, man, Fanny's having the worst day. And he just like walks off
and there's some other cars that are driving around and, you know, some people walking by.
I'm going to go up to the kid and be like, Hey, you're watching Fanny Mae right now. You want to
help her out? You got a car or is your dad got a car nearby? Yeah, my dad's got a car. Perfect. Can
you go get me the keys so we can bring Fanny Mae home? Is Fanny Mae in that car? No. Oh,
well, she's nearby though. You're just trying to tempt me into my own dad's car. I will let you,
I will introduce you to Fanny Mae if you can bring the car over. Well, I don't have a driver's
license. Maybe my dad will give it to you. He's a big Fanny Mae fan too. Okay, perfect. Yeah,
let's go. Okay. And like you guys go to a house that's nearby and he's like, Dad, Dad, Hey,
this guy's here and he wants to borrow the car. He says it's for Fanny Mae. And like the dad comes
out and he's like, Brian, what the hell? Who is this guy? Who are you? Oh, hey, I'm Hunter Gathers,
a retired military man here. I'm, you know, need to borrow your car for a very important mission.
Why are you with my son? Cause he was nearby where I needed help and he said you were a very kind and
helping man and would be perfectly willing to help someone in need. I don't know how I feel about
that. Why are you talking to my kid? Man, help who? Help what? Help me. Help Fanny Mae. Help Fanny Mae?
How are we going to help Fanny Mae? She's stranded. Haven't you been watching her stream? She needs
help. No, I mean, I haven't been on it recently. I just haven't, you know, had that I was cleaning
the pool. It's hot out today. Oh, so you don't care about Fanny Mae? I do care about Fanny Mae.
What does Fanny Mae, she needs my car? Yes. Your car in particular. Okay. Um, I don't make an
interpersonal role. Another one, a doomed fit. A nine. A nine. He, uh, you can drive.
Okay. Let's, uh, do I get to see Fanny Mae? Only peripherally. You can't look directly at her.
Okay. We're going to meet Fanny Mae today and like you guys go and it's a Mazda Miata. Uh,
guy, I don't know. Uh, I don't know where you're going to sit though.
Like there's trunk space. All right. Well, we'll figure that out when we get to Fanny Mae. Don't
even worry about it. You're just going to like ride in the middle here.
There's a shifter. It's a two seat convertible. There is not, there's not enough seats in this.
Oh, right for the boy too. Yeah. Brian's coming. He said that he gets to, he gets to go on a date
with Fanny Mae is what you said. Oh, I, yeah. I don't remember saying exactly that, but sure.
So he's going to have to, you know, just crunch down in the back here. He's, he's small. He can
fit in the trunk. This is my son. Or he can sit on my lap. See that, that's the kind of,
that's the kind of behavior I was afraid of when I, when I first started talking to you.
Well, what if I sit on his lap? Is that better? That I, you know, he's, he's kind of a teen. I
wouldn't, if I were you, you know what, just perch up on the back here. All right. I can ride. I got
good balance. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's not like you're wearing a crop top or something that'll
ride up into your face or some shit. Exactly. No, I got a nice button up. Okay. Oh yeah.
You guys begin to drive towards Fanny Mae. Back to the street situation. Um,
Oh yeah. We're about to die. Yeah. So the second car pulls up and out of it, um, there are three
guys, the driver hops out two guys, um, exit two rear doors and the driver of the other,
the other SUV that you murdered the guy in, um, they all hop out and now they're kind of taking
cover behind several of the other cars that are just parked around here. Sounds like a firefight
and they called it a firefight, suppress a fire. Sure. Whoever's near me. I'm going to shoot at.
Okay. Non-descript person. Number one driver of the car that I was shooting at. Okay. Yeah.
You murder all the last guy of that first car. I'm going to spray some of the guys that get out
of the second SUV. If I can actually fucking hit them. Nope. That is a six. You're just
continually like laying down fire. However, you're everywhere. Um, there's something wrong with the
gun at this point, like, cause you were pretty good at aiming that water gun. You're just like,
your mind goes back to better days when you could aim at shit. Who knows what happened to you.
I've been holding my right eye over the, over the, over the reticle. It's a missing eye.
I'm just shooting. Um, with that, like you just spring wildly, leaves a lot of room.
For these guys to shoot at you and you end up taking a rifle bullet straight to the chest,
knocking out one of your armors. You're still alive, right? I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.
Okay. And now there are still three, three guys on the streets. I wonder if I can throw
my breaching charge over and blow up a car, but that would be silly.
It's technically just like a seven foot long string of like explosive. Like,
like a seven foot long string of like explosive. That'd be interesting. I don't think I'm going
to need a breaching tool. All right. I'm going to keep shooting until my gun runs empty on this
fucking clip. Okay. Yeah. I'll say this is probably your last attempt to hit them on this belt of
ammo. Dude, another fucking six. This is what you did in the last game. This is all the cover to
dust. Yeah. I'm just, I'm just blowing up fucking other people's cars, like just shredding windshields
and suppressive. Yeah. I'm doing suppressive. Yeah. You're doing that. Great. However, you're
leaving yourself open. Like you're doing a great job covering agent Fitzgerald, but not yourself
as you take another bullet from the opposite direction. What's your health at currently?
Uh, two armor gone and still good. Okay. So you still got four. Yeah. Okay. Still shoot. Next one
in line. Okay. That's a seven. At least with the war zone. It's not great. At least with the war
zone I'm creating for you. They're not here and you're shotgun as you're like. Yeah. I'm hopefully
just moving around and picking them off as you're keeping them on their toes. On their bellies maybe.
Keeping their heads down. Yeah. You don't hit anybody. However, you're keeping them like,
they're firing randomly at this point at you anyways, not necessarily at uh, agent barnside.
Barnside. Side barn. Barn. Barns. Barns. Barns and noble. Yes. I know it was a terrible name.
However, they have figured out which car you're behind and are just spraying it with fire and
your cover is completely destroyed. Cool. So we have to move the new cover? Yes. Otherwise you'll
be right out in the open. Both of us? Him. Well, him more than you at this point. Oh. He's just
getting shot so he's not in the best of cover. Well, if that's the case, I'm gonna like,
the back of his shirt while he's still shooting and just kind of guide him to new cover.
Maybe a concrete barrier. Maybe, you know, a real well of something that we crashed.
Oh, like guide me over to the limo? Yeah, like I wouldn't expect you to stop firing. I just expect
to be like, no, this is my buddy. You just walk and shoot. Just walk and shoot. You walk and shoot
until that clip of ammo runs dry. But we're both behind new cover now. Right. Okay. Mazda Miata
pulls up outside of the Dodge Challenger and the windows are all up, doors are open, doors are
open, windows are all up, doors are completely locked. There's just a nice dark tint on these
windows and Brian's dad's like, she's just in this car here. What happened to this car? This is a
pretty sweet car, man. You want to trade? Is this your car? This is my car. What do you mean trades?
I mean, you take the keys to this one. I'll take the keys to yours. Do you have pink slips? They're
in the glove box. Yeah. Oh, can you get it? I'll sign off on that any day. All right. Yeah. Sure.
No three Mazda Miata. So you're actually getting the better of the deal. I know. I mean, yeah. So
they're knocking on the window. Who is it? It's me, Mr. Gathers. Can you unlock the car? We're
going to get moving again soon. I got a fan here who's going to say hi real quick. Mr. Gathers.
That's a terrible name. I don't know anybody by that name. Oh, sorry. It's Hunter. Hunter. Oh,
I like that. Did you see my furs? I did. Yes. That's how I like them so much. Hence my name.
What do you mean fan? Are you a fan? Do you just try to get my autograph and you hear music like,
I'm like, I love this song. Can you stop talking? This is, this is Fanny time. Yeah. Just open the
door and then I'll stop talking. I don't even know you. Yeah. I was just in here a couple of
minutes ago. You know me. I don't know you. You hear her vlog. Oh my God guys. Someone's trying
to break into my car. I'm so scared. I'm from the anti-peda here to give you more compliments and
we got a new fur for you. Oh my God. Is it more money? What kind of fur? What animal? Bunch of
lynx heads all over it. Oh my God. What is it? Like a shawl? Is it like a skirt? Is it a red panda
muff with it too? Oh my God. I love red panda fur. It's so soft and squishy. Yeah. It's, it's
certainly soft. I don't know if this one's squishy, but okay. The door's unlocked. She's like,
give me my fur. Excellent. Oh Icky. It's just you. Why didn't you say that? Yeah. This is the worst
day of my life. Not even Brock fucks up this bad. Oh, this is Brock's fuck up. Don't worry about
that. I knew it. I'm going to fire him. Isn't he your dad? Yeah. But I mean like you can always
find another dad. Oh, all right. I mean another daddy I'm sure. Yeah. Yeah. I guess I'm only 17.
So I don't, I don't. What are you? Why? Anyhow, here are the people who want to meet you. Just
roll the window down a little bit. You can just say hi through the, through the window. I'm going
to look in the glove box here. I don't, I don't really want to talk to them. Okay. Just, just,
just say hi. Just for a minute. What car is that? I don't know. It's crushed. Well, she's, I'm going
to just, just leave the other door open and I'm going to go siphon the gas out of their car,
into our car. She's, you just hear her whispering. It's like, ew. What part of me do I show them?
They don't get to see my face. It's gross. Should I show them my hand? This is a good hand though.
And she'll finally, she goes, it's Fanny. And they're like, Brian's like, oh my God,
it's Fanny May. Like he's on his phone. His dad's just like, yeah, that's Fanny May.
I never thought I'd see the day. I know a famous person. All right. So while this is happening,
I'm just siphoning all the gas out of his car. I'm like, oh, so Fanny said she actually didn't
want to trade cars. She looked at your Miata and she said, ew. So Fanny hates my Miata. She does.
She hates a lot of things though. So don't take it too personally. I'm going to,
I'm never going to forget this. Oh, well this is the worst day of my life. Brian, Brian buckle up
and they go to drive off and the car dies like 15 feet down the road. What the hell? This car does
suck. Fanny was right. My whole life sucks. Get the fuck out of here, Brian. Go live with your mom.
And he storms out the door and slams it, leaving Brian like alone in the Miata. All right, Fanny,
we're going to try the car again. Okay. Give me a technical rule to make it through her fucking house.
Six. You make it, you plow right through the car.
Run over all the flowers in the driveway. Yeah, you destroy everything. She's like, oh my God,
oh my God, oh my God. Who taught you to drive? I don't care. Get me out of here. You crashed
through my house. I mean, I don't need to get you out of here. You're home. I'm getting out of here
though. With that, a black SUV pulls up behind you and the driveway behind you. What is this? Oh my
God. It says DOSC on the license plate. Oh, that's not good. It's probably more your fans. You
probably should get inside. I thought they were fake. Well, these death threats were pretty
intense. I guess so. Maybe you should do a panic room. A what? A basement. I don't panic. I'm like
the calmest person I've ever met. Oh, okay. Have you seen my crystal collection? I haven't, but you
should go to your crystal collection now. There are so many. I have like Amphrodite or something.
Amphrodite. That sounds amazing. It is. Yeah, why don't you go play with your crystals? And
you know, four guys get out of this black SUV. They are more fans, aren't they? Yes, I think they are
more fans, but you're too tired now, so go inside. I'm going to go inside. I'm going to go inside.
You're too tired now, so go inside. Did they look rich? No, they look very poor. And actually, I
think I can see some stink on them from here. Ew. They want to hug you. She gets out with her
Subway. What's left of her Subway sandwich. She goes, I'm going to have to send Brock for another
Subway run later. And she heads towards the house. And as she gets in the door, you see these four
agents pull up. There's some machine guns. And you guys, hiding behind the limo, facing down your
own crew of agents. Yeah, they begin to advance towards you guys, you know, staying behind some
cars. But I'm going to take another pop shot. Okay. I'm going to stop shooting over top. Six.
Yeah, on a six. You get hit again. Man, these guys, their agency seems like they're not under
budget constraints. So they, you know, may have some more time training rather than like playing
darts or. Yeah. Yeah. Do you think we would improve our aim if I put on night vision goggles?
In the middle of the day? Yeah, sure. Aren't they also thermal vision goggles? Yeah, sure.
I'm going to stop shooting over the car and like shoot under so that way if it hits like the ground.
Just take down the ankles. Oh yeah, I'm taking down some ankles. Okay. But at the same point,
if I take down their ankle, I'm going to keep shooting in that same direction. So they're going
to hit the ground. And then. Yeah, you're cutting grass. I know how that works. Oh, that's a five.
He shot the wheel well and got a ricochet. Yeah, you got it. You're making it really tough on
yourself. Yeah, you do take a ricochet fucking bullet right back into your shoulder. That's the
end of your body armor, right? Yeah. It is completely compromised. At least it didn't hit
my good eye. It's okay. You yell at me. Take another. Do you want to do another round? Yeah.
I'm going to just. Yeah, I'm going to. Dude, what else could I do? I can't set up like a booby
trap or anything. I'm just going to shoot again. Yeah. That's a nine. Okay. Yeah. Ten actually.
Ten. Ten is a perfect shot. Yeah, you do catch the one that's coming closer to you guys. You
take him out at the ankles and he falls like you can see his face as you like riddle him with
bullets. And it's like it's really gross and it doesn't take long before he's like, you know,
completely done. So there are only two agents left. Yeah. Just turn him into hamburger on the
ground. I'm going to spin out a cover and shoot at the one closest to me. We're at five.
You spin out a cover and immediately take a bullet. Put your down to two HP. Okay. Good deal.
Two agents left still. I'm going to stop shooting, get up, cross over you and shoot through our car
toward where you just took a hit from. Are you able to give an aid or interfere role if he's
going to use you for, you know, extra stability? I mean, he could put a gun on my shoulder and use
me as a tripod. That's what it would. Pretty much. Yeah. So like you would have turned back in. I
would have turned out and then shot. Okay. So you might lose an eardrum. So you roll first,
roll to aid, see if you're going to add anything. So four, four, three, three. See that we passed
all the dice through me. Why did we give, let Connor touch our dice? Okay. It's like you guys
didn't communicate or haven't ever tried this maneuver before. And like, as soon as you plop
your light machine gun down on his back, he gets to like scoot backwards and you just start
rattling off fucking shells, hitting everything. But you guys look like complete clown shoes
as each of you fucking get hit. So like, so I dropped the thing on his back and when I
pulled the trigger, hot brass, it's in the neck. It's like going down. What was your body armor
and like burning your banana Republic fucking clothes. It was like, it's just a hot shells
hitting me in the back. We're doing so good. Well, we're going to stay with you guys on the
street to figure out what's happening. I'm going to take another shot and jump back into cover
because this did not go well. That's a seven. You don't hit them, but they don't hit you. You're
able to get behind some cover. Yes. But your legs are like still sticking out as you're kind of like
dragging yourself under cover right now, like trying to get the smoking hot brass out from
your back and like all your numerous bullet wounds. Now I'm going to put the gun over top of the car
so that they see me, not you so much. And I'm going to shoot. That's, that's a 10. Yeah. Yeah.
So I riddle through one of the, like the backside of one of the SUVs and the guy thought he had
cover, but I actually put rounds on target and my high caliber actually pierced through and wrecked
this guy. There's one agent left and like, as he's standing there, he fucking grabs one of his other
fallen comrades SMGs. So now he has, has two and he begins to run up on you guys. Just like spraying
bullets. Please go away, sir. I'm going to pull a Connor and try and negotiate right now. No. Um,
I'm just laying on the ground. I'm going to wait for him to take a step around that corner and
shoot at him. Okay. I don't really have many options. I'll, I'll put myself, uh, are we both like
ambush position? I'm assuming you probably got your back to the car. So yeah, you're on the ground.
I'm standing over it. I'm going to put, I'm going to make my way out more into the open so that if
he were to take a shot, it's going to be on me. Not so much him. Okay. Then you, you roll your
combat roll first. That's an 11. Okay. Yeah. He never even gets the chance to come around the limo.
He just like is firing wildly with these two. Like he's got no control. They're just like
blasting everywhere. And as you step out and get them in your sight, you like finally these last
few shots, you know, have, have connected closer range for you. You just decimate this guy as he
falls riddled full. We did it. We did it. They're all dead. They're all dead. This is actually,
they're one SUV should be drivable, right? This guy's just dressed really nice. I wonder if they've
got cash. Well, we could take their guns too. You start loading everything. You're in the back of the
one working SUV. And counter. See what happens to you. Yeah. You see these four agents here now at
the eight Bayview point pleasant, New Jersey home and the, you know, it's not at the end of the
cul-de-sac. It's one over. It's like Fanny wasn't super happy about that necessarily. Sure. And
they're tromping through what flowers are left. They raise their SMGs and begin to shoot at the
house. Just at the house. Just, just like at you who's up at the house. All right. Um, I'm going to
take, you know, some cover behind the wife's car that's still there in front of the house.
And, uh, I'm going to notice a hornet's nest nearby to where they are. And I'm pointed to,
to shoot the hornet's nest. Okay. Combat roll that a bitch. It's a three. Uh, you shoot the hornet's
nest, right? However, like it's been a while since you've been in some actual, actual combat
like this. And you sprayed this hornet's nest and it drops out of the tree, but it was much closer
to you than it was to them. And you're, you're immediately swarmed by a bunch of bees who take
down your body armor by like, you know, stinging you from underneath it. Like inside multiple
stings. Yeah. Yeah. Not, not great. Well, I thought that was further away. Damn it. And, uh, so then
just continuing to be under a barrage of bullets. I'm going to try and shoot one of the assailants
for a six. You continue to shoot and you hit with a bullet. So what's your HP at?
Uh, I have three HP and one body armor. Okay. So your body armor gives up at this point, um,
as you take another bullet and Fanny may like, she left, she opens the front door. What is all the
commotion out here? Get back inside. There's a fight going on. Can't you see? Ew, I thought it
was fireworks. And she slams the door closed. I would say you have time to like retreat from here
if you wanted. Uh, they're headed towards the house and they know now that Fanny is just in the
fucking house. Yeah. I'm going to retreat into the house and tell her to find somewhere else to hide.
Like upstairs or like in the basement. I've never, do we have a basement? Why don't you just go out
in the backyard? Do you have a shed or a pool house or something? I have a pool. Yeah. Go in the,
go in the pool. I'll go in the pool. Okay. I gotta go get changed first. And she like starts headed
up the stairs. Oh my God guys. Gonna go and like in the background of her vlog, like she's like,
oh, what is that terrible noise? It's like bullets. She's like, yo, pool time. I'm not keeping this one.
You should do it, dude. Oh man. I'm gonna shoot out from one of the windows. Are the guys, are they
still approaching? I imagine just like coming towards. I'm going to actually not do that.
Retreat into the house a little bit around the corner from the entrance. So not like right behind
the door, but adjacent to it so I can see the door, but there's not a clean way to see me from
outside. Okay. Um, all of a sudden you hear Bracco. Oh my God. Oh my God. Hunter, what's going on?
What's going on out there? Oh, there's some guys here trying to kill Fanny, you know, like you said
it was going to happen. I knew it. I was right. I'm going to stick that in my wife's face. You
should repeatedly. I will. What? She doesn't like that. I know. Yeah. Uh, what, what do we do?
Uh, do you have any weapons? Yeah. And he scuttles out and he comes back with like a garden hoe. I've
seen this in Braveheart. Perfect. Yeah. So you just go over there with that. If anyone opens the door,
you get him with that. Okay. And he like posts up next to the door. Oh God.
And as you know, where you're looking, you can see the shadows outside the door, like coming
towards it. And, uh, he's just like tucked up there and, um, they just start shooting all,
all through the door, all around it. And fucking Brock takes a bullet or two and oh my God. And
he, and he, and he falls. He goes, Oh, this is the worst day of my life. And it's like, Oh God,
I gotta stop doing that accent. Fanny Mae sucks. I hate my daughter. And she's like, cool time.
And she's like, cool time. And she like starts coming down, down the stairs. Oh God. All right,
Fanny up, step over your father, run out the back. Go, go, go, go. She does like one of those little
hops. Ew Brock. I hate you. What? Um, you guys in the stolen SUV. We are racing towards the house
after throwing anything about it. Quick, quick, grab it, grab it, throw it in the back of the SUV
and go. Cause we've got a business to think of. Yes. Yes, you do. Um, this might, you know,
the things you get might help on future, future missions. Um, future jobs, not missions. These
are not missions. They are not sanctioned by anybody. This is completely unsanctioned. Um,
you guys, you guys get out of there just as you hear, you know, the sounds of police sirens and
ambulances and all sorts of other things that you guys get out and then nondescript black SUV
that's, you know, Ben Riddle wish, but still drive. Wait, so it's still got bulletproof glass
in the windshield, right? Yeah. We didn't do any damage to the actual SUV. Yeah. The drive.
They all got out. Yeah. Yeah. Um, okay. Who's, who's, who's driving once again? Oh, two drivers.
You can drive. I'll drive. All right. Cause uh, yeah, so we're gonna, we're, so we're gonna
get going and try to get there as soon as possible. And we were pulling up and we see just like four
guys in the yard shooting up the front of the house. I'm going to hit one with the car and also
slam into the house. Okay. Why don't we try and hit more than one and not hit the house? Well,
ah, whatever. Give me a combat roll either way. Right through the front door. Yeah. They're in a
line. That's a six. Um, on a six, you, you come in and like, as you are stomping on the gas to
fucking come, you know, murder these four guys, right before they get in, you know, the house
itself, they turn and look, they're able to scatter away as you fucking plow this thing into and
through the front door of the house. And you like, you smash your way right, right into the kitchen,
totally disabling this vehicle. Fannie Mae takes some shrapnel damage as she's like hopping over
her dad. It's Brock dead. We don't know if Brock is dead yet. You missed Brock, but you did like
open a very large doorway into this house. You see the car fly through. We're here to save the day.
After that, um, you know, these four guys rush in. I will give agent gathers the first, uh,
move here as he was set up and ready. All right. Yeah. As soon as I see one of them come into my
view, I'm just going to unload with the sub machine gun on them.
And it was a two. Your cover has been blown by this fucking truck barreling through the house
and they see you like really, really easily. And you begin to shoot at them and exchanging fire.
You know, there's four of them firing at you to end up getting shot again. Ah, son of a bitch.
Got me again. Okay. Two in the car. Pop the trunk. Roof hatch? No, pop the trunk. There's a roof
hatch. You have a pop the trunk. We crashed in this way. We'll be facing out the back door.
Do you want it? Two LMGs and prone. Okay. So really waste them bullets. Beep beep.
You hear us like beep beep. Hatch opens. Just me laying on the seats down with the gun in
the can. There's like the remnants of the Ross, the banana on the one. The nine. The gate doesn't
go up all the way, but it's enough for him to get his sub machine guns out underneath. You rolled
a nine. Yeah, I rolled a nine. You scatter these guys. They're just like tucked around the living
room. You, you miss, but you've managed to scatter them all and they're all kind of like in hiding.
This is the worst case scenario for literally all of you guys. They thought they had the advantage
and totally got scott. Yeah, there's just too much chaos going on. The chaos has begun. They're not
ready for it. They're gonna train for this. What are you up to? Well, if the tailgate goes up,
I can't go out the roof. So I guess, I mean, you could, there would still be a window open on the
back of that. Oh yeah. Yeah. So when you shoot, I'll shoot through like the rear glass. Yeah. I mean,
cover glass and doors have never stopped you before. Yeah, that's true. Basically just have a turret
cover on your turret. That's eight. You continue to just spray around this room. This is like,
you guys are destroying Fandomaze house and she's outside and she's like stomping as she's like
pulls a sliver out that you guys like hit her that exploded out of the fucking house. She's like,
this is not the day that I had planned. Oh no. I'm making sure to let like, although I could get the
hit, I put at least four to six rounds around and then bring it back down. Like, God, this is just
what she needs. Her house destroyed. We're still getting paid though. We already got paid. We got
paid. The money's in the truck at the mall. Where's the money? Actually, that's a good place for it.
Nothing wrong with that truck. It's just sitting parked at the mall. We're just waiting to find
out if you guys ever make it back to that truck at the mall. You've now destroyed almost every vehicle
that you've come in contact with. We're doing fine. So we still have all four of these guys left,
right? Nothing really happened to anyone. Yeah. All right. I see one sitting next to a vase in the
living room. I'm going to shoot him. Why are you going to curse my dice? I got a three.
Started rolling good again. And then you had to take the one. We'll call it a five. It was an
observational shooting. Either way, you spend so much time observing where the people are.
Like the one dude pops up from behind the sectional and left off a couple of shots,
like a small burst. It just like fucking riddles up your one side, taking one more damage. Not
doing good guys. Are you at one now? I'm at one now. You're at two? Yeah, because I damaged Fannie
Mae. You're at one, right? Yeah. Okay. All right. Well, it's your turn first. They're Agent Fitzgerald.
I'm going to spray more bullets out the back of this drip. Nine. Yeah. Nine's, uh, you don't
receive fire. You don't also, you also don't take out the target. I'm just sitting there with two
guns just unloading bullets. I'm the surprise of fire this time. Hit something. Let's see if you
can take somebody out. Three. It seems the, uh, one of the guys circled around through the,
through the kitchen and back through the parlor and like is able to get right up on your side and
fucking hits you from behind the, uh, the kitchen island. And you take another bullet to the fucking
shoulder. Uh, Brock's like, I seriously misjudged your guys' skill set. Coughs up blood.
We didn't say we were the best. 15 or 20,000 taking on an army apparently. Yeah. At least
before we were, we were pushing into defendant positions. I've got a defendant position. Yeah.
You're laying down in the back of an SUV. Oh God, we're going to die. It's looking a little,
a little spicy here for you guys. You're all bleeding profusely out of everywhere. Uh,
just raining bullets out and you know, agent gathers, agent gathers. It's,
it's down to what could be your last turn. Um, I'm gonna just, I got her guys. She's dead. Yep.
Yeah. I killed her dead. You were scared. Everybody can go home now. And as they look around,
like, who said that? I'm going to, you know, see if my gun still has any bullets left in it.
I have two guns. I've got the silence gun I took from the guy in the car earlier and my
sub machine gun. I'm going to shoot them both at one person. Okay. Oh, that didn't land in the tray.
That's better. That's a lot better. That's a, uh, a nine and, uh, this is interpersonal
from, so it's 10. Okay. Here's, here's what we'll say. Trying to convince them that you
already shot Fannie Mae, you got a 10 for your interpersonal and the one dude pops up and goes,
do you hear that guys? And it, so roll your combat now. And I'll say with two guns,
you can at least get rid of the minus one tier combat. So it's still an eight. Is there any way
anybody can aid him in this situation? You want to stop shooting? No, if we stop shooting, well,
that would aid him, right? Oh yeah. Sure. Stop shooting. Yeah. I got a three. I got a seven.
I didn't hear him. I kept shooting a set. A seven does help. Uh, plus one. So let's say I put it at
nine. God, that's still one away. Um, fuck. Yeah. This dude's still here. He's like,
God damn it. They're just shooting at us again. Fannie Mae is in the back. I am not dead.
You can't kill Fannie Mae. I'm going to live forever. And then you hear a cannonball.
Wait, wait. If we kill her, will they stop trying to kill us?
What did I say originally? Where she's home and we've been paid.
Brock's like, you guys are the worst people I could have called for this.
This is a simple trip to Claire's back. It's the D T. God damn it. We're not the A T. D stands for
dickheads.
Fitzgerald. I want to help Brock so bad for prolonged suffering.
He's being so mean to us. We tried our hardest. No, I'm going to shoot some more people.
For a seven. On a seven, uh, you're safe. So you managed to fucking light up the sectional.
And this one dude's like, yeah, he's like, oh fuck, that was close. Um, and he like tries
to skew behind a different part of the sectional. So I'm going to, I'm going to take my breaching
charge and just kind of like sling it out and throw it at the sectional to give them no cover
anymore. And possibly that was vaporize the sectional. Okay. Yeah. Make a technical role for that.
Fuck that. Did we just blow up the truck? What did you get? I got a four. I might've just blown up
Yeah. You, you like, you're rolling it out into a, into a long rope that you can toss over it.
Like kind of gets hung up on your fucking head and your machine gun and stuff and like weighs down
over the edge of the fucking truck as you pull the trigger. Um, yeah. You blow yourself up.
I was just going to say it would make more sense if I threw it and I didn't see it hit the ceiling
and I won't reach down the graph. It's not clicker. It hits the ceiling fan.
Oh yeah. So, so, so as I, so as you guys hear the concussion, you get rained on from this.
Yeah. You're covered. You're covered in parts of agent barnside. Stop shooting.
Oh, you cunt.
Top half off and I'm wearing you. I'm pretending to be dead now. Agent gathers. This dude probably
exploited right next to you agent barnside. No. And I'm just going to charge towards the nearest
person that is not friendly and try and shoot them. I got a 10. You just finally take out one of the
four guys. One of the four. Um, you just run up in a rage. You get them with the, uh, with the
silence pistol and, uh, you're in your fury of watching your comrade explode of his own accord.
You managed to get behind some cover to say, swung the front door. What was left of it.
And Fitzgerald you're asleep.
Playing dead. Uh, how many are left in the room? Three. Oh, I thought we killed one already. No.
Oh shit. We did kill one. You just killed one. He just killed one.
He killed one. He shot the sectional around another one. I blew myself up. I'm gonna play possum.
Is it working? You could apply your trading. It's an eight. Okay. It's not the most convincing.
It'll do for initial, like any prodding will clearly show that you are not dead as like you're
breathing still. It's just at a distance. Yeah. Um, it's not so bad. What are you waiting for?
Are you waiting for any, are you waiting to crawl out of here? It's like a matter to pop
up at the end and shoot the last guy. All right. Uh, agent, agent gathers. I just feel like there's
no opportunity I have right now. I'm going to take any resources to make sure I have ammunition
off of this dead guy I just killed. See if he has any armor plates on him. Uh, don't find any.
And I'm going to look around. Where's the next guy at? And I see somebody over in the kitchen,
hiding behind the island and I'm going to shoot at them for a six. You head towards the kitchen,
completely ignoring the other two people that are already in the living room. And as you go like
running through like, ah, shooting. Um, yeah, they fucking plant you in the side one last time.
Oh no. That's it guys. You're dead too. I think I'm going to die here now.
This was a terrible investment. I wonder if insurance will cover it.
Fannie Mae. Is it, is the truck still running? No, it's through a house. It's done. So
I haven't seen them run. All right. This one's also been shot by a bunch of bullets
prior to just wondering. It had an explosion go off. It's turned from an SUV to a convertible.
The last thing you hear is Fannie outside going, everything is content. Everything is content.
Killer. My last defiant shot, I shoot out the back door and Fannie Mae.
Dude, I walked through so bad. You're the last one. I know. You salvaged this in some way.
Have half of your friend laying on top of you. You watched your other friend get taken down as
he ran past you. They're all distracted. I mean, like distracted enough that they're not looking
at me. What's your highest attribute? Observation and combat. So. Okay. Yeah, sure. Observation.
Go for that. Just see if like they're all distracted. It's a 10. These guys move past you.
Like they believe you're all dead as you've stopped. And the two that are in the living room
begin to leave going to the kitchen, which leads out to the back door. They're going and Brock's
just like coughing up blood. When I hear the screen door shot, I'm making a break out of the
front of the house, taking an immediate left to the neighbor's house. Walk in my ass, back to the mall.
It's a pretty far walk to the mall and you're pretty bloody and like burnt and all sorts of
shit. Um, the last thing you hear as you, after the screen door closes to the outside, you hear
Marco and then we're going to cut to six weeks later when I've walked, I've gotten the truck,
$20,000 and I found myself a new abandoned Lucky's garage in a port down in Jersey.
Actually give me an interpersonal role. Nine. Okay. Then that can be what happens. You managed to
evade police detection somehow as you walked your ass back to the mall.
They're a little busy with the rest of this town.
They are. So let's, let's talk about your next venture as you found another garage.
What is the new agency called?
The gathering bar.
I'm trying to combine the two names into something like Hunter barn, the Hunter barns agency.
The gathering barn.
Yeah, sure. Gathering barn, shipping and freight.
I bought a new Bronco.
A new new Bronco.
No, it looks exactly the same. No, I just went and you salvage.
No, I've got the truck. I've got the red, the truck we stole.
Do you advertise on craigslist again?
No, Facebook marketplace.
Facebook marketplace. Okay. And give me one tech rule. Five.
As you're scrolling through the old Facebook, because you had to link your personal account
to it, you begin to see like a couple posts weeks later, almost two months later.
There's been kind of a large news storm about this whole situation as this was really pretty,
you know, fucked up and spans the mall.
The middle of the road.
The middle of the road suburbs.
You begin to see some posting and there's some interviews, one from a pizza girl,
one from a motel clerk and one from a frat bro. And they're all like, yeah, man, I've seen those
guys and the pizza girl's like, yeah, they didn't tip. I recognize them. I took a picture and
the motel clerk's like, they owe me for a mattress still. They were renting it by the hour.
That's my only real complaint with those guys, if anybody finds them. And that's the end. You guys
did not successfully protect Fannie Mae. Debriefing. There's not much to debrief. We
want to check all the criteria for ending the game to complete the objections. Debrief questions.
Did you accomplish your primary objective? Yes. We successfully body guarded her through her event
and safely returned her to her home.
Safely to her home? She went into that house. Nobody was on her property. No guns pointed at
her. She was a hundred percent safe. You should have clocked down. We could have left.
Yeah. Okay. Did you avoid collateral damage? If not, what is the fallout? No, you did not.
Bromco. One boat, one trailer, one Hellcat, three SUVs, a garden, a telephone pole, the mall,
a two story colonial. And four civilians. The next question would be what happens when the agents
return to their normal lives? I feel like we already summed all this up previously before I
started asking this. We'll stop there. Yeah. You guys may have returned Fannie to her home,
but you did not protect her from getting shot. At least not really on your watch. So you guys did,
in fact, fail at this mission. The D team will never be the same as it's just one guy left in
his now the gathering barn. And we'll find out what agents join the squad. If there are any.
Next time. Next time we play going dark. Thank you all for hanging out with us today. We had a
great time playing going dark. Hope you guys had a great time listening. If you did, please give us
a like on any of our social media platforms. Give us a follow on anywhere you listen to your podcasts
and give us a review. Hopefully a positive one. Keep the negativity to yourself. See you next,
next Tuesday. Next Tuesday.
The Tales from the Crit podcast is recorded in the Wolfbeard game studio in upstate New York.
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