Welcome to the Tales from the Crypt podcast. We are an actual play podcast featuring a
revolving cast of players making our way through micro RPGs, highly narrative tabletop games,
and the more popular and less known RPG systems from a wide variety of genres. Content may
not be suitable for children and content warnings can be found in the description. I'm Riley
Groves and I'll be your host, your guide, your GM on this episode of Tales from the Crypt.
Today at the table we have myself, Riley, Derek, Stefan, and Connor. We will be playing
Going Dark, a game of special forces agents by Daniel H. Kwan and Agnes E. McPherson.
We got this one from the Ultimate Micro RPG book. You can find that on Amazon if you want
to take a look at it. We also have Girl on the Couch. Let's get to know each other just
a little bit better. We're going to ask a question off our pod deck interview deck.
And the question for tonight is, if you can instantly become one, what would you want
to be an expert in? If you could instantly become an expert in something? In anything.
What would you become an expert in? Post Civil War western expansion of the United States.
That's awesome. That's really bad way to say it. Okay. I did not expect that one. Alright,
Connor, what do you have? I mean there's so many different things, but I feel like being
an expert in mycology, like knowing all different kinds of mushrooms and funguses would be pretty
cool. There's like a lot of different kinds of those. There are a lot. They say that there's
a mushroom that a man can eat once and it'll feed him for the rest of his life. Is that
true? I'm certain that that is true. The rest of his life might not be very long, but. Ah,
fuck man, you got me on that one. I wasn't even thinking about that. I was like, that's
a terrible business plan really. You never have to eat again. All I thought of was a
huge mushroom. It's really just a little tiny one. You put it in your mouth and just hit
the dirt. Purple and orange sparkled thing. Very filling though. Yes. I don't know. I
think I'd want to understand astrophysics because of the fact of the expansion of the
universe is pretty interesting. There's so many theories behind it. If I could be an
expert in it, that would be really cool. But like I barely can understand half the theories.
All right. I actually fully agree with Stefan except for I want to take it in biomedical
research because I would like to actually live long enough to learn all that stuff on
my own. I'm just looking for nanobots. Those things would all be really cool. Those things
would be, would do both things for us. Yeah. That'd be dope. I don't know what mine would
be. You guys all pick like way cooler things than I was thinking about. I was like, blacksmithing,
putting up gutters. I don't know. We don't even have gutters. We have one gutter. Practical
things. If he was an expert, he would have none. I would have so many more gutters. No,
if I could be an expert, I think I would want to be like an expert in knowing everything
about JR token. That would be it. Him or his works? All of it. Both. Both. I want to know
everything about him, even his penis size. Oh God. Maybe I know. These are all things
you can learn. Cool. So in going dark, players assume the role of special forces agents working
to ensure the continued stability of the world. Armed with specialized training, weaponry
and equipment, they are our first line of defense against nefarious forces attempting
to seize global control. Set up. The first step is to build your agent on an index card.
Note your agent's name, background information, and whatever personal details you think are
significant. Next up is attributes. You have four attributes that represent your agent's
skills. Your agent is better at some attributes than others. Assign the following values as
you see fit. You will get a plus one, a plus one, a zero, and a minus one. Your four attributes
that you can choose from are combat, which is hand to hand fighting and weapons training.
Observation, which is perception, investigation, and understanding. Technical, which is trade
craft and interpersonal, which is social skills and culture. I spelled interpersonal wrong.
I guarantee you I spelled everything wrong. I spelled tech right. Good. Cause that's what
I am. I actually spelled tech wrong. Don't look at my fucking sheet. I'm cheating on
the way he's channeling the glass. No cheating on spelling. This is, this is, well it actually
makes sense. I have a negative one and interpersonal. Me too. It's okay. It's okay. All right. Next
up harm. So each of you will start with three points of body armor and three points of vigor,
which is your physical health. When you take harm, you're going to remove it from your
body armor first and then you will begin to take away from your vigor. If you hit zero,
you die. That makes sense. So vigor was six. It's three and three. Oh, three and three.
Yes. Six total here and whatever you want to hear. Apparently I was like, Hey, that's
cool. Okay. Next up, you all will take your gear. Each agent starts with one weapon, one
attachment and one equipment. You may make the same choices if you like for weapons.
We have an assault rifle, which has a medium range and is automatic. A sniper rifle, which
is long range, a shotgun, which is short range and destructive. You can use it to breach
a sub machine gun, which is medium range and compact and light machine gun, which is heavy
with a high capacity magazine and a pistol, which is short ranged and compact. So everybody
already made their choices. You guys know what I'm taking. I'm not sure. What are the
attachments that might change my choice? Okay. For attachments, we have sites, which is,
which increases your effective range. A suppressor, which quiets your shots to avoid enemy detection.
A flashlight, which disorients nearby enemies to give another agent or agents opportunity
to attack and high caliber rounds, which allows the weapon to penetrate armor and thin surfaces.
Okay. I think I don't want to go with, I guess. Okay. I was more interested in what we were
doing, where like we were going to end up to see what to grab. Well, we're not going to
do it that way. No, we're not going to do it that way. Equipment. I mean, wouldn't they
kind of give you a little brief before you went out to where you were going? So you'd
grab the right gun. No, you were already out somewhere and you got the call and you just
got to go with what's in the trunk of your car. If this is in the trunk of my car. Oh
God, I really hope I have the right identification. Okay. For equipment, you can take a grenade,
which you can take a stun grenade, a lethal grenade, a smoke grenade, or an EMP or electromagnetic
pulse. You can take a lock pick, which adds a plus one to apply training roles to open
locks, a computer, which is a plus one to technical roles related to security, an opto
electronic lens, which allows you to select night or thermal vision. Reaching tools allows
you to destroy walls, floors, and doors. A snake cam, which gives you a plus one to observation
roles from cover and body armor, which increases your body armor by plus one. Okay. We're going
to go around and introduce each one of your guys's characters. Go ahead and say your attributes,
your name, your little thing about you, and tell us about what gear you're taking on the
mission. Derek, why don't you go first? My agent's name is Scotty Fitzgerald. He is a
secret government secret agent. He has a plus one in combat and observation, a zero in tech,
and a negative one in interpersonal. He's a shotgun with a suppressor and night vision
goggles. Okay. And Stefan, what do you got? So my guy is called the side of the barn.
He's a one-eyed, X special forces, no depth perception, plus one in combat, plus one to
tech, zero in observation because he doesn't have depth perception and his interpersonal
skills suck. He is running a light machine gun with high caliber rounds and a breaching
tool. All right. Sounds like you're probably going to need it in order to hit anything.
Probably. And Connor? So my agent's name is Hunter Gathers. He is retired military and
a stamp collector. He has a minus one in combat, a plus one in observation and interpersonal,
and a zero for tech. Equipped with a submachine gun and a flashlight and a smoke grenade.
Okay. Awesome. The grenade and like the scopes and stuff and lock picks, those are all part
of the same thing. We can only take one of all those. I think the scope was like the
flashlight and the grenades, the grenade and stuff was equipment. The sights and flashlight
were both attachments. Okay. Yep. All right. Cool. Awesome. All right. So let's design
the agency. I'll take care of this part. So the three of you are not traditionally from
the same branches of government agencies. However, it's just not paying the bills lately.
For whatever reason, you guys, your budget cuts, inflation, you guys gotta exercise your
skills in other ways. So the three of you decided to come up with an agency called Spies
for Hire. I thought we were going to be a knockoff of the A team. Well, you can certainly,
the D team. The D team. The D team. All right. I like that better. Yeah. You guys are the
D team with Tagline Spies for Hire. Your marketing agency sucks because it's just the three of
you who don't sound like you have too much marketing experience. So you post your ad
on Craigslist. Any jobs that need to be done, you guys are not necessarily the ones to do
it, but you are some ones to do it. Quick question. Are we posted in the personal ads?
Because if you saw a personal ad saying the D team spies for hire, would you click on
it? So this is the thing, right? You guys do get a lot of calls, but not many customers.
The jobs are always not quite what goes along with your actual skill set. The setting for
now is we're going to go with modern day, as that makes the most sense, or yesteryear
being the year when Craigslist had personal ads where you can post things. You can't write
a personal ad on Craigslist? Take a look at a lot of stuff. Oh, I haven't been on Craigslist
for a long time. Yeah. I don't think you can solicit hookers anymore on Craigslist. Oh
yeah. Big ding to that platform. I forgot about that. Okay. Let's pick some specializations
for you guys. You can pick two. First response, security, assassination, covert operations,
counter-terrorism, surveillance, urban warfare, law enforcement, or hostage rescue. So the
D-Team spies for hire. You listed on your ad your specializations are assassinations
and urban warfare, which seems like a pretty crazy thing to put in your ad. So the three
of you find yourself with no missions here on a Thursday afternoon sitting by your red
telephone, red cased iPhone, just waiting for a call. It's an iPhone 6. Like I said,
you guys don't get paid very much. I don't know why. Maybe it's because of your one eye.
You haven't hit many targets, but that's why you got a lot of magazine, a lot of rounds,
right? So you guys sitting by, what do you all talk about? What is the normal day when
you guys aren't out committing assassinations? I'd be trying to play darts. That's thing
that... So inside your clubhouse, we'll say you guys, not a clubhouse, inside your what
would it... Garage. It's gotta be a shitty warehouse garage. We've gotta have a shitty
94 Chevy Blazer. I was thinking a Bronco, but okay. A Bronco, Stephanie. Bronco, okay. Bronco
Fizza. I just remember the jacked up shitty Blazer, black Blazer instead of the van. But
Bronco works too. Yeah, I'm picturing the brown and white Bronco. It's brown on top
and the bottom, but it's got that weird white stripe. Yep. Yep. The big thick foot long.
That works. All the chrome's rusted. It has two doors, right? Do you have two or four
doors? It's three because of the hatch. Okay. What's Hunter Gather's doing? Just sitting
chair, listening to AM radio while I throw cards into an old hat on the ground, watching
side of a barn just repeatedly throw darts into the side of the building. Have I hit
the target yet? You hit it once. I mean, just like on the outside, you didn't get any points.
You barely hit the dartboard. It's like hanging out too. It's just stuck in there by some
cork. Oh man. It's like the one you threw from four feet away. Actually, you never saw
it out of the corner of your eye, but that was actually Hunter that threw that dart.
Just lobbed it over from the blind side. You got that one bullseye dart, nothing else on
the board. Okay. Scotty Fitz, what are you doing? I am sitting there in the corner watching
these two with a laptop and a notebook planning conspiracies, overthrow conspiracies, and
just- Updating. Crazy secret government stuff. Okay. So sitting on just some table. I'm going
to sit on the table nearby. Your guys' business line begins to ring. However, it's on vibrate,
so nobody hears it for quite some time. It goes into kind of late at night before one
of you guys picks up the phone and realizes you have 14 missed calls. Oh shit, guys. The
phone's on the floor. Somebody called us 14 times. Let me check the voicemails. Are they
any good? One voicemail. Hey, my name is Brock and I have a job. I have a job that needs
done. If you could call me back. My number is- Well, I assume you have it, unless you
have a jitterbug phone or something. It's on there. Okay, call me back. Bye. Okay. Guys,
there's somebody named Brock. They have a job for us. You better dial 811. They didn't
leave their number though. They didn't leave their number the best. All right, but we've
only gotten calls from this one number, so we're just going to call back. All right.
Ring ring ring ring. Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello, this is Hunter Gathers of the D Team.
Can I speak to Brock, please? This is Brock. I'm Brock. Do you guys not have regular business
hours or are you one of those ones that's only open in the evening? We have irregular
business hours. Are you free on Tuesday? We're available, but we do charge, yes. Well, I
would expect nothing less. I don't think it would be a job that would be done for free.
Okay, well, what's the job? So my daughter Fanny, she is one of these social media influencers.
Well, she's got a meet and greet at the mall on Tuesday. However, we've been getting quite
a few death threats. I'm afraid for her life, my dearest Fanny. Oh, well, we do protection
also, so that sounds like something we could probably handle. Okay. They've been pretty
intense threats, so that's why I called in the big guns and they were busy. So I went
through the phone book a bit and then I came across you guys. You didn't have any Google
reviews. What's a Google? Do you sell Google? Our reviews are all word of mouth and trust
me, they're great when you hear one. Okay, I heard that too, but that was from a different
kind of somebody looking for different services. But anyways, okay, so can you be here at Tuesday
around 1130? That's when she wakes up. Sure. Tuesday at 1130. We'll be there. Where's
that going to be? Oh yes, it's in Point Pleasant, New Jersey. Okay, perfect. Here's our email
address. You can send us that at D's team at hotmail.com. D's team at hotmail. Hotmail
is an odd choice. I didn't know that was still supported. D's team. Is that D-E-E-Z or like
D apostrophe S? It's a dash, right? It's a dash. Okay. Underscore. Oh. So the actual
address is a D underscore team. Okay. D underscore team at hotmail.com. Okay. I'll send you, where
are you guys located anyways? Oh, we're down at Lucky's garage here off of, you know, 64th
and the swamp. What town is that? The swamp? I don't know where that is. I've never been
outside of Point Pleasant. Everything that you need here. Oh, by the docks. Descript.
If it's Jersey, it's swamp docks. Who said we're in Jersey? You guys aren't in Jersey?
That's what I'm asking. How far is the drive for you? Should you leave now? We'll be there.
Don't worry about that. You don't need to know where we are. Okay. We're taking the
Bronco, right? Yeah. You guys definitely cannot afford a helicopter. We got a Bronco so we
can make it there. Oh, a Bronco. Yes. Good. Isn't that what, what was his name? OJ. Yes,
OJ Simpson. Isn't that what he drove? That's what inspired us. Yes. Oh, okay. So see you
Tuesday morning? Tuesday morning. Yes, at 1130. How much do you guys charge anyways?
By the hour. Gas. Gas. We'll give you a quote when we get there. I've got to discuss it
with the team, discuss logistics. Okay. Well, that sounds legitimate. Sure. Probably cheaper
than the last guys. Okay. Goodbye. All right. We'll see you Tuesday. Thank you. Yes. Pleasant
dreams. That was kind of weird. I'm going to go now. Okay. Click. Goodbye. Oh, he hung
up. All right, guys. We've got to be at Point Pleasant by Tuesday at 1130. So we've got
like almost a week. So we're pretty good. We got time to prepare. Even if it's farther
away than I thought. We're going to have to protect a social media influencer from death
threats. So, you know, bring your, your death threat protection devices. I'm going to start
loading shells into a shotgun. Oh, social influencer. I'm not really sure, but he said
it's his daughter. So we'll just protect it. Doesn't matter. It's just a, it's just a package.
Just a delivery. He said that he tried to hire more expensive people. So we need to
give him a good quote so that he doesn't undervalue us. Yeah. But he's still got to pay us for
food, gas, travel. We'll keep track of it as we go. Oh, you already started the damage
invoice? Oh yeah. Okay. That's the staple of our job. We don't pay for the damages we
cause. But we still need to get paid a little bit. Yeah. Right. That's why he signs the
contract first and get paid at the end. Well, write down 300, 300 rounds of ammo because
that's how much I'm bringing. So we'll tell him 20,000 is where it starts. And then, you
know, depending on how the contract goes, it could be more. I would say, yeah, I'd say
20, 20, let's say starting 20,000, but then tell them that incidentals could go up to
20,000 plus expenses and incidentals. Yeah. Sign it in blood. We're good. Well, I'm going
to crawl in the backseat. You with the one eye, I think you should drive. How do you
guys spend the next like four days after that? We just got a 20 grand paycheck, right? No,
we didn't. No, we have not met him. We spend the next four days making sure that money
clears into our bank account. And then we drive down to truth. We did not. That's he doesn't
get that number until we get there. Wait, I thought he was going to email us. You gave
him the email is the information on how to get there. So we got to drive there. I told
him we didn't have a quote yet. We had to discuss it. Okay. So we drive there. We talked
to him, but we have the quote. We're going to drive there three days early. We got nothing
else to do. You're never going to hit that target. He sends you an email that says eight
Bayside Point Pleasant, New Jersey, smiley face, just like the old, you know, semi colon
not parentheses. No, no emoji. Excellent. All right, guys. He said his daughter is an
influencer. What did you think? He knows how to make an emoji. So I think he's not an influencer.
I think our first check roll should be spoofing the gas station, pay a machine so we can get
gas. What are you talking about? We could just rob the gas station. I mean, honestly.
Okay. We're never getting there. We never make it. This is going to be a shootout at
the gas station. What state are you guys actually in? New York, right? Yeah, sure. Yeah. New
York. Okay. What part of New York? But for the people that don't live in upstate New
York with us, what part of New York are you guys in? North, West, the city. Down by the
docks. Yeah, but there's docks on Albany. Yeah, but there's some shit hole places in
Albany near the docks. Yeah, we're looking for cheap. Abandoned. Abandoned in Albany
near the docks. Troy, we got to go down the river. We have barges. That's how we spend
our time floating down the river with the Bronco. To save on gas. It's just a pontoon
boat we drove a truck on to. That'd be kind of cool. We're just sitting there kicking
off the back, can't have them more. Four days. We got four days to get down there and really
we're just taking three of it to go down the river to New York so that we can drive the
rest of the way up in a fucking jersey. All right. Yep. Okay, so you guys leave three
days early. Yep. All right, everybody roll 2D6. Double fours. Nine. Ten. Okay. So between
the three of you, you have $90, you have $80, and you have $100. This is how much you're
currently leaving the... fuck, what is the name of this? It's not a clubhouse. Why do
I keep wanting to call it a clubhouse? Lucky's Garage. Yes, I know the name of it. Just give
me something easier. Garage. Okay, you guys leave the garage. Company headquarters. Company
headquarters. That's what I was looking for. Wait, didn't we have a name for this place?
Yeah. Lucky's Deep Team Corporate Headquarters. LLC. LLC with a sticky note. See, that's
a mouthful for me to just rattle on. You're home with corporate or corporate headquarters.
Yeah, so you guys leave headquarters, you guys leave HQ with $270 in your pockets and
begin making your way down to Point Pleasant, New Jersey. Are we really taking the river
on a pontoon boat? Yep. Okay. It's canon. Okay. Okay, so are you guys getting on a barge
or hoping for a ferry situation or you have a pontoon boat? This is a homemade pontoon
boat. It's just two pontoons with just plywood and boards across that is just wide enough
for us to drive this thing onto and sit on it. It's like a Huckleberry Finn situation.
Terrible. Okay. Huckleberry Finn. There's a little bit more room than that. We can get
out and stand on either side of it. Yeah, it's like two feet all around it and the back
a little bit more so we can sleep. Okay. And a storage bin on it. Sure. Somebody, whoever
is piloting, whoever is steering this contraption with your Huckleberry Finn back propeller
thing, who wants to roll for Tradecraft? Who wants to give me a technical roll? Who's got
a plus in tech? I have a zero in tech. I have a zero in tech. There we go. We got our man.
Six, two, plus one. Nine. Nine? Yeah. I know how to use the DeWalt drill pretty well. Okay.
You guys are floating down the river. You're able to keep it together for quite some time,
but as you start getting tired, as it's a long way down to the oat, you realize you're
going to come out. Where are you planning to dock this pontoon situation to drive out
of the water? Otherwise, you're going to hit the ocean. I'm not the one planning this.
William for just south of the George Washington Bridge. So we have to hit the shoreline under
the bridge. At least we got a brown car. I just drove through there the other day. It's
not exactly hard. I saw guys out there on jet skis. I saw some dude out in a canoe.
Shanty? I've seen some crazy things floating down there. So out of nine, you risk being
compromised. We'll say at this point, it's not like a compromise thing necessarily, although
you don't have any permits, but you don't have a motor either. So you don't need one
according to New York state law. However, you're going to take a minus one as you've
dashed into some rocks and stuff because it's taking you hours and you're the only one actually
steering this fucking thing. So give me one more trade craft roll to see if you hit those
docks and drive right off. That's a five. A five total? Yeah. The boat sinks. Yeah.
So the first leg of your journey, it was going pretty sweet until one of these jet skis drove
by too close and for some reason he did a dick move and cut some of your pontoons off.
And you guys made it so close to the dock before this fucking barge thing fell apart.
And now your Bronco is like kind of submerged in the water. We'll say you're like kind of
at the boat launch, right? Except you can't get into the vehicle at this point. You got
to get it out. Hey, is there any other cars? I was just thinking that. Is there any cars
to see? What does the bargain lot look like today? Yeah. Is there like another truck that's
like launching a boat that we could be like, yeah, help us tow this thing out. Yeah. There's
definitely another boat or no, another truck around that has like, you know, a trailer
hitch and stuff like that. All right. I, you know, swim over to the boat launch. I see
the guy backing up his F-150 in and just got done putting his boat in the water. He's going
to park there. I'm like, Hey, before you drive off, can you, can you get a rope? We need
to just tow this guy out of here real quick. What kind of asshole launches a boat like
that? I'm sorry, sir. We had a really bad accident back there. Our boat just fell apart
and there was transporting this, you know, rare antique super American truck that we
need to, you know, be good patriots. Well, I remember seeing that truck before. Well,
and give me an interpersonal role, please, sir. Really be really helpful if we could
be helped out in that situation. I rolled a four. I think the worst thing that happened
in American history was that OJ Simpson trial. Go fuck yourself. And I'm swimming. I swim
over and when I hear this, I just walk up. Is he still in the truck or is he? No, he's
driven away. He's gone now. He went to go park his truck. I tried guys, but my interpersonal
skills failed me. He just went to go park the truck. Yeah. I'm going to start walking
towards the parking lot. Okay. You're going to mess him up in the parking lot, aren't
you? No, I'm just going to take his keys and take his truck. By messing him up in the
parking lot, aren't you? I plan to just push him in the water and drive away. So you're
going to attack the guy. So we're going to partially steal the car. This is going to
be a combat role. How are you going to do it? What are you going to do? I will say on
a failure. Can I do an observation and try and pickpocket him? Or is there another, or
is it, what would it be pickpocketing him? It would be an engage role anyway. So it's
going to be a combat role because you're engaging him. So roll well because he's not the only
person in this parking lot. I'm going to try and pickpocket him. 10. 10. All right. Yeah.
On a 10, describe what you do as you walk up to this guy. I'm just going to do the old
shoulder bump and bump him and swipe his keys in a pickpocket and walk past him. Oh, I'm
sorry. Hey, asshole. My mistake. Where are you walking? My mistake. I'm sorry, sir. You
ain't from around here, are you? No, I'm not. Sorry. Why do I sound like this? I don't know.
This is New Jersey. I just moved here from somewhere more hickish. Enjoy your day on
your boat. Yeah. Are you with that other fellow on that dilapidated boat? No, but he sank
my car. Well, he deserved to fuck OJ. He goes and gets on a nice 24 foot pignon boat, you
know, coming very expertly, you know, sails away, not sails. I'm going to wave, I'm going
to wave at him until he's out of sight. And then I'm going to get in his truck and beep
until these two find out and figure it out. OK. Are you stealing his truck? Is the Bronco
done? I think the. Are we stealing his truck or are we just towing out the Bronco? I shouldn't
steal his truck. It's a much nicer truck than the Bronco. I mean, if you see the boat he
just got in, this got four doors. I'm going to just take the license plates off the Bronco.
That's thinking. The Bronco's like half submerged underwater. Yeah. All right. Give me. Sunk
and half floating pontoon boat with a truck. Agent gathers. Why don't you give me a technical
role to get these license plates off here? Careful if you fail, you're going to drown.
Got a six with zero tech with zero tech. OK, yeah. You get the first one off. I'll give
you the first one. But the second one, like you're underwater entirely too long. You fucking
gulp up some seawater before realizing like you're drowning. Take one. I mean, take one
off your body armor. I guess. That's some salty water. Yeah, super, super gross. It's
like a dirty jersey. Oh, God. It's right. So you die. You're dead. You ingest sewage
and die. All right. Guys, I only got the one license plate. I'm pretty sick now. We had
plates on that? I guess so. At least one. Let's put it on the back. All right. I switched
the front plate and take the plate off the back of the gas truck. Do you got a full tank
of gas too? We had two hundred dollars. We could have drove. Maybe. I can tell you from
experience, it's one hundred and fifteen dollars a day to drive down to the city and back.
OK, yeah. Everybody. Everybody rolled to see how much gas is left in this in this truck.
Seven. Seven. Four. Zero on observation. I cannot see. Eight. We're not adding observation.
OK, I got a seven. OK, you got a seventy. Seven as well. Seven, seven and a four. Four.
OK, eighteen. Eighteen gallons of gas. So it's a pretty it's pretty full for a truck this
size. So you can make it about another hundred and eighty miles. So we'll be able to get
the point pleasant from here. There is not that. We might not get back. That's not the
other money. I'd say you guys would probably use about half the gas that you have right
now to continue your journey. Did you unhook the boat trailer or are you towing that? Oh,
no, we're taking the boat trailer. We're taking the trailer. OK. I can take the boat trailer.
Fuck that guy. He can fucking figure out how to get his boat out of the water without a
trailer. OK, cool. So that's two days. That's two days down. We'll say you're two days down
when you arrive in Point Pleasant, New Jersey. Now, do you guys like has it been a while
since you've been to a beach? Me? Yeah, probably. OK, so you guys drive right right to the boardwalk,
we'll say like, you know, it's a nice early morning when you get there and the sun's rising.
It's a beautiful day in July in Point Pleasant, New Jersey. It's kind of smells like vomit.
You know, naturally. Jersey. It's Jersey. So it's like garbage and vomit. You know,
there's a few people passed out on the boardwalk. Some of the shops are opening. You know, there's
a place to get some coffee, some novelty t-shirts. The hookah place is open because it never
closes. And in the middle, it's got a six foot hookah, like 14 houses. So if we arrived
on the boardwalk, I'm going to undo the trailer so that we're not keep driving around with
that. Take up several parking spaces. Yeah, but I'm going to boardwalk early in the morning.
But drop the trailer off the truck so that when you pull away the trailer, yeah, so it's
like four. Yeah. Really piss off some people around here. I'm trying to sell it to anybody
who enters the parking lot. Roll for interpersonal. Seven. Seven? Okay. On a seven, like you're
trying to sell this trailer, not attached to a truck or anything. It's just there. And
the only person that bites is, you know, this is kind of clean cut. He's about six foot
tall, kind of stocky. He comes up to you and, what are you selling there? Looks like a trailer
with no boat or truck. Yep. It's a boat trailer. I'm selling it. Why are you selling it? You're
selling it with the plates on even? Yeah. Sold the boat already. I wanted to take those
plates though. Yeah. Do you have any paperwork with you? Is this even your trailer? This
is a salvage, so there's no paperwork with it. A salvage? Where did you salvage it from?
Did you haul it up here yourself? I salvaged this and actually built it from everything
that I've found on the beach in the past several months. Well, it's my personal craft work.
That doesn't check out too well. But you know, how much do you want for it? 20 bucks. Okay.
Well, this deal seems less legitimate. I am more confused now that it costs less. 20.
But how could you pass off that deal? And he unzips his light windbreaker that he's wearing
and when he opens it up, it's the first time you notice like, this is a cop who is just
like getting ready for duty and the morning you see his badge and he pulls out his wallet
and his rifle through you. Because of budget cuts and stuff, things haven't been as lucrative.
Would you take 18? Yeah, sure. 18 is fine. All right. Well, here's 18. He gives you $18.
Sweet. So, well, I guess there's no keys or anything. How am I going to get this? I drive
a Prius. I don't even have a trailer hitch. Oh, you don't have a trailer hitch? Well,
you can order one of those on Amazon. It's pretty easy to put on the Prius. I'm going
to call my buddy Greg about this real quick. Hey, Greg. Greg, there's this guy down by
the boardwalk selling trailers. No, boat trailers. They're 20 bucks. I know I don't have a boat.
Greg, that's not what this is about. I don't know if he has one. Do you have another trailer?
No, this is the only one. This is the only one. It's custom made. He hand built it. Greg,
yeah, tell everybody at the station. What's your name again, bud? Cornelius. This guy
named Cornelius down here selling boat trailers. Are you going to send somebody out? The same
thing happened last week. Roger's boat fell apart. Hey. And like, did you scamper? Yeah,
I haven't gone at this point. Yeah, he ran away. He ran away. Yeah, he ran away last
week, too. I know I have three boat trailers, Greg, but you know, and then the call just
fades off as you run away. Do I hear him say that? I don't know where you guys were. He
and I are watching this whole thing from the truck, like seven spaces away. We looked at
each other and just went, cop. Make an observation roll. Nine. Nine? Yeah, you heard the whole
thing. I'm going to tuck that information away for later. I got one good eye and I could
tell that was a cop from here. The hell were you thinking? It's good. 20 bucks. Well, 18.
20 bucks. It was just slowing us down, man. We could have taken it to the scrap yard
and made more. You wanted to leave it here. I just was being a dick and wanted to take
up parking spaces. The man has four trailers. I could have traded to him for four coffees.
That's true. So I take the $18 and I go buy us all coffee. Okay. I know exactly what kind
they like. You have $3 left out of that 18 afterwards. And just tip the person who made
the coffee. What a fucking nice guy. So here's your coffees, guys. Just the way you like
it. Thank you. He spit at mine again, didn't he? That's the way you like it. I just drink
mine without hesitation. That is the way I like it. All of a sudden your business phone
goes off. You've done now. Oh, we got an email. It's from Brock. Let me see what it says here.
It says, can't wait to see you tomorrow. Winky face. Okay. Should I respond to this guy that
says can't wait to see you tomorrow? He knows we're security, right? I told him we were
good for protection. What? Just write back, can't wait. All right. Can't wait. You know,
exclamation mark. Perfect. Send. You guys get no response for the rest of the day. How
do you spend the rest? You got afternoon and evening. We're on the boardwalk, right? Oh
yeah. There's probably those stupid carnival games on the boardwalk, right? Sure. Can we
win at teddy bear? I don't know if you can, but we can try. Which game are you specifically
looking to play? The water gun one. The water gun one. Oh yeah. Shooting is terrible. All
right. So after like a short amount of time, you guys drink your coffee, go take your morning
shits at the public restroom. You guys haven't gotten a hotel room or anything while you're
out here. So, you know, it's not too long before you find the water gun one. There's
like a hundred different ones. There's one with a dolphin as the gun. There's one as
like a crab with the gun. There's one that just looks like a squirt gun. Which one do
we play? Squirt gun? Squirt gun. Yeah. Squirt gun aliens. You're going to help me win this
toy. You two are the ones playing this. Oh, you're just standing back there watching.
Like we're children. Yup. All right. Step right up. Step right up. Try your luck on
the make me squirt game. The target is a squid or an octopus, whichever one actually squirts.
Squid. There's like a bunch of jock dudes that sit down on the other side. It's like
a mobile cart even that just like goes down. There's a very overworked man that looks like
he doesn't need to pedal this thing around with your guys's fat asses on it. Who's going
to play? Five dollars. Five dollars to play. I'm going for it. All right. Yeah. I'll play
too. Okay. I'll pay for you. Dude, if I pay for you and you win, you give me the teddy
bear. Okay. Yeah. You can have the teddy bear. All right. I'll pay for him. Okay. Both of
you make combat roles. While they're doing this, I'm just sitting there writing a notebook
watching people. Six. Five plus three eight. Okay. Six. You, agent hunter gathers, agent
gathers, you like miss the target completely and you actually spray one of the frat bros
on the other side and it really pisses him off. He like, he starts like getting pumped
up with his buddies. There's like four of them like, look at this asshole. He didn't
even try to spray the target. Meanwhile, uh, side of the barn, you actually do hit it.
Agent agent barn, you hit the side of a barn. Um, and uh, you, you actually win the first
round and the guy goes, Oh, excellent. We have a winner. You may take your pick of anything
on the bottom row or you could hold onto that win and try for a bigger prize next time.
Gamble. Gamble. Gamble. Always. Always. That'll be five more dollars each. Here you go. The
frat bro that you sprayed with water. He's, uh, I'm going to do it to him this time.
No, no, no. I'm going to win. I'm going to win. And they're like, Hey, easy Eddie, easy.
We know you got a short temper. I'm sorry, man. I'm not very good with this thing. Do
I, do I even play in, don't you leave it to us? Big dogs. I can make her squirt someday.
I might be able to do it. I just got to try my best. Okay. It's a combination of mouth
stuff and finger stuff at the same time. Do you need lessons? I don't know what you're
talking about anymore. I'm just trying to play the game. I'm going to shoot the squirt
gun and the attendant dude's like, uh, all right. Well everybody, it's starting now.
Go ahead and make your combat roles. Scotty, can you get his name and put him on the sex
offenders list or something? That's why I'm just looking up these kids. I don't even know
where you guys are. I got a nine minus one eight. I got a, uh, I got an eight plus one.
So nine, nine. Okay. So you, you both, you're both able to, uh, to hit the target pretty
much completely this time, um, with side of the barn actually squeezing out another win.
Um, however, Hunter, you begin to like, you get a little bit of water splash on you. And
when you look over it, like you see the framp row that was on the other side, like he ducks
his head back behind the target and he was like hitting his buddies. He's like, God,
I'm a god man. God. This guy's trying to squirt on me guys. It's messed up. Congratulations.
I not see it because you're like on my side. Are you on the blind side? Yes. So like, I
just, I just hear you say this guy's trying to squirt on me and I'm like, what, what are
you talking about? These jerks across the way, man, just squirt me with a squirt gun.
So you won again. You may pick anything off the second row or two things off the first
row or hold out for the, the most coveted prize of all. I want the rasta banana. Well,
all right. That would be three wins in a row. Do you think you have it in you? Yeah. Yeah.
All right. You in it for again? Yup. All right. That'll be $5 each again. Does the next win
get to take all his win? We will find out. I swear to God, if it says fucking bro from
the other side. No, I was going to say if he said yes, I was going to pull. Roll for
combat. That's six, three, 10. You got an 11. I got a, yeah, an 11 minus one. So you
both got a 10. Yeah. Nice. So yeah, I actually was aiming for the frapper on the other side
though. Fuck yeah. All right. So side of the barn, you're, you're watching your meter go
up and it hits the alarm at the top again. Oh, we have a winner. And Hunter, you like
started off kind of with your water gun pointed there, but like entirely soaked this, this
bro. And he's just over there. He's like, I'm fucking done, man. I'm fucking done. We'll
kick this pussy's ass. And all four of them jump off and begin to make their way around.
And the attendance like, all right, sir, three wins in a row. You get the giant teddy bear.
You get the roster banana. Yes. Or you get the squirting octopus roster banana plays.
All right. And he cuts it down and like, you know, you very, as he hands it to you, he
like holds onto it. This is my only one, sir. Please. The economy. Think of the economy.
Nope. My banana. Okay. And then around, around you Hunter, these four frat bros come up to
you and the one that you've soaked now twice just shoves you on the chest. Hey man, what's
your problem bro? Oh, sorry, man. Like I said, I'm not used to using one of these things.
I'm trying to get better. You know, it looks like you got a little wet there. I'm sorry
about that, but you know, you weren't doing very good anyway. You only got me wet because
I let you get me wet bro. All right. And I'm going to let you walk away from this situation
if that's what you want to do. And I'm going to just pull my gun out from the inside of
my jacket and just look at him like, and that'll be okay. So you can just turn around now.
Roll an interpersonal role. Five. Oh yeah. Five. Five. Isn't great. Look at this asshole.
He's got a fucking fake gun. And this dude comes in and just runs up and punches you
square in the face doing one, one damage to your body armor. I haven't even gotten there
and you're taking two damage. Why are you on the boardwalk? Why did you let him hit
you? Cause I'm slow and old. I'm retired military. Okay. The other two see this whole thing go
down. What do you two do? Where am I? Didn't the thing they were on move? Yeah. We'll say
it stopped while people played. So like it's a few benches down. You've had to like move
with it. Like I said, the dude peddling is like, he's not too inspired to, he doesn't
even have a cabana thing to sit in. It's just like, he's out in the heat hauling like eight
people's asses around on this car. I'm going to walk towards this situation. And as I pass
one of the benches, I'm going to grab a trash bag. Okay. Then what? I'm going to walk up
behind one of them and put the trash bag over their head and pull backwards. Okay. Make
a combat roll. Nine. Yeah. You fucking, you, yeah. Do you go for the one that just punched
him? Oh yeah. I go for the leader. We're, we're, we're professional assassins. And what about,
what about you side of the barn? What are you doing? Hugging your banana? So I'm going
to, I'm going to hold up the banana to one of the other ones. It'd be like, peace and
love man. And then just punch right through the back of it into the guy's face. Okay.
Make a combat roll. That's a 10 plus one. Yeah. You've, you fucking break this dude's
nose. We'll say as you toss him the banana and then fucking sock him right afterwards,
you've managed to take one down. However, they're going to his buddy right next to him.
I was going to bring, I was going to walk him over to the side of the pier, wrap it
around and push him off his back. Completely remove him from the situation. You're murdering
again. Assassinations and urban warfare. Okay. So you take, you take wet bro and you know,
wrap this fucking garbage bag, which is many plyas nice and thick. It's like a contractor
bag. You know, so the needles and stuff don't poke out of it. Oh yeah. You yank this dude
and fucking throw them right over, right over the fucking boardwalk into the, into the water.
You took out another one. There's two left. One of them, one of them's like, Hey bro,
you can't do that. And he runs up and while you're tossing the one over the bridge, he's
going to punch you right, right in the side. You're going to take one off your, your body
armor. And the other two just like take off like, fuck this man. I'm out of here. I didn't
even like that dude. Terry's a douche. The one that punched me is getting shot for a
seven. Okay. With your siloed shotgun though. Yeah. Okay. Okay. On a seven you exposed the
target, but the threat persists. Okay. So on a seven, you fucking shoot the one that
just punched you and like, he's dead. However, his other friend has seen all of this go down
and he gets away. He, he, he has seen you guys and he fucking ran faster than Usain Bolt
to get the fuck out of here. It's like in a harmless water gun fight, all of a sudden
he's watched one of his friends fucking get choked out and tossed off a bridge and the
other blown away and one's nose broke. And he was going to save that one. But after he
watched his buddy's chest just get obliterated. He's not saying anything. Well, we'll see.
But he's not talking for now. Not about much. And he takes off. And so your banana, your
rasta banana now has some blood on it. That's all right. I was going to, I'm just going
to take my light machine gun and like cut the bananas back and put it over the light
machine gun. So that it looks like a banana rather than a light machine gun. I'm going
to use my foot to scoot the guy off the pier. You just had to go and make him wet, didn't
you? I mean, he started me first. No, no, he started. I know he started this fight.
He told me it out of the, I couldn't see anything that was going on. He was on my blind side,
but he started this. I didn't know that they were not going to be intimidated by my gun.
I thought I was, you know, a more intimidating force apparently. I was just people watching
him again, hot dog and a soda. I just wanted to win the rasta banana. Okay. You guys have
evening left. What is your evening? We're leaving the boardwalk. Oh yes. Okay. We're
finding a bridge to sleep under. That was my thought too. Or a pier, but a different
one. We don't want to sleep with dead bodies. For comfort purposes, we'll say your guys
truck has a cab on it. It could comfortably fit to, we could get a hotel. That's true.
We might have enough. We might have enough money to pull together to get a hotel. We
look for a really cheap motel and I sleep in the bed of the truck. Cheap motel. You
sleep on top of the sheets anyway. So if you guys do choose hotel, I will give you your
used body armor back. Oh, that's a different story. I will replenish the body. I will replenish
the body armor. Pay for a hotel. That'll be $85. All right. I got it. Cash only. If you
need it by the hour. I got what? Just judging by the look at you three fellas, it just seemed
like it would be an hourly situation. But you know, just to rate it. We'll just give
you the 85, all right? All right. That works out fine. You actually make out better that
way. I'm going to throw 20 bucks in on this. I haven't spent any money yet. Yeah, I was
going to throw some money toward it too so that way you don't go broke. How much money
does everybody have? I have 60 left. I got 70. I had 90. That banana cost a lot of money.
I got 55 minus 20. How much are you putting in? I'll do 35. Okay, so that's 55. So then
30. All right. So cool. I'll put in 30. All right. You may want to, if you have your own
sheets, you may want to use those. Don't look too hard in the vents. If you hear anything,
just stay inside at night. It was cheaper a year ago, but the economy and the cutbacks
and the budget, you know. All right, fellas, out of here. Checkout's at 10. All right.
There's a continental breakfast down the road at the IHOP. It's not free or anything. You
could just buy it there. They have all the accoutrements that one might need. Blueberry
pancakes, chocolate pancakes, strawberry pancakes, pancakes with whipped cream, banana pancakes,
pinwheel pancakes, cinnamon toast crunch pancakes. Okay. Okay. Okay. You don't need to tell us
IHOP's menu. Oh, that was only the pancake. I don't know. Did you want to hear about the
French toast? Well, they have regular French toast. Do you work there? Well, yeah, this
doesn't pay the bills. This is like a side hobby for me. This is my life's dream and
passion. Obviously. To run a seedy motel? You what? Some call seedy, others call dreams,
big boy. I've seen dreams die in a place like this. Me too, but that's usually with the
hourly people. Okay, well there's... I'm gonna walk away from Bubba at the front. There's
no real like key situation. Just lock it when you get in there and probably don't unlock
it until you get out. Oh, okay. Okay. It's room number 16. Okay. How many other people
are here? How many rooms do you have? Does it matter if we go to a different one? He
said the keys don't work. There's 15 other rooms. I haven't much cleaned them. They're
the hourly ones. I'm gonna breach and clear room 16 real quick. You guys get down to room
16. Just down there at the end there. All the way down at the end. All the way to the
end. I have a breaching tool. No, it's just gonna open the door. The door is open. It's
a jar when you get in there. I'm still gonna outside the door then in with the bug gun.
It's just a regular motel room. There's only one bed. Clear. Is there one of those weird
chairs in the corner? There is a chair, but it's not like wood. It's got like one cushion.
I'm still gonna sleep in that. Okay. Who's taking the bed? It's a king size bed. No,
it's a queen size bed. It's enough room. I mean, if you sleep on my blind side, I won't
know you're there. A** to a**. Perfect. Sleep on the bad side. Yep. Yeah. Me and the side
of the barn will share the bed. Okay. And on the bed, before you guys get there, there's
a pile of fast food restaurant menus. We order a pizza. Pizza? Pizza sounds right. Okay.
Yeah. It's not too long before the pizza delivery girl shows up and she goes, oh, I've never
delivered here before. I look at him like, I don't believe you. I mean, I've been here
before, but no one's ever been here long enough to order food. What's your favorite room?
Room? No. Not this one. This one is reserved, I guess, for the people that stay all night.
The three of you are staying all night in here with one pizza, a sausage pizza, the
split between the three of you. You know what? I'm just going to take my money and get out
of here. That's $25. I have 10. I have 15. There we go. Oh, yeah. She stands there with
a handout. You know, usually it's customary to tip. Here's a tip. I want to roll in interpersonal.
Okay. I just tell her. You're going to kill her again. That was my first thought. I was
just saying, get out. Holy shit. I got a 13. Okay. On a 13. That's what the minus one.
You know, fine, assholes. That's how you want to be. And she quickly snaps a picture of
you guys and walks away. I'm going to post this sausage party on the internet, you pieces
of shit. And she gets in her fucking Toyota Tercel and begins to drive off. Fucking dicks.
She's calling us dicks. Wasn't she going to beg at this place probably the other day?
That's why I wasn't tipping her. Here's a tip. I thought you were going to offer her
the tip. I was. He told her to leave. I want to roll in interpersonal. I wanted to too.
I wanted to see what happened. I said negative one. Then I rolled a 14. Shit, she's going
to leave. Okay. All of you, after this, you guys court yourself on pizza and Scotty falls
asleep in the chair and you guys go ass to ass in the bed. Everybody roll to find out
what time you wake up in the morning. 10. 11. Oh, nice. So Scotty, you're the first one
up. You wake up at seven o'clock in the morning, probably because that chair was terribly uncomfortable
and really not like great for the old lumbar. If it's that uncomfortable, nobody banged
in it. That's true. It was suspiciously stain free. Did our pillows smell like chloroform
to you? You guys slept late. Yeah, so that's something to note. You got writing in your
fucking notebook about your conspiracies and like hours flew by. Hunter, you wake up at
10. You're the second one to wake up and you wake up at 10 o'clock. Oh shit, guys. We only
got an hour and a half before we got to meet this guy. However, you forget to relay that
to side of the barn. He continues to sleep. He's like, he keeps trying to push you away.
Like you hit an alarm clock over and over again. So like every nine minutes you're like,
hey side, hey guy. And he's just like, yeah. So you don't get up till fucking 11 o'clock.
We just dragged him and actually have just thrown him in the back of the truck by this
point. Wasn't check out his wake. Yeah. He wakes up in the backseat. We take the whole
mattress actually. Okay. If you guys are stealing the mattress, both of you roll, uh, roll tech.
Okay. Yeah. Roll tech for technical training. Four. I got a nine minus. Oh no, it's zero.
So nine. Okay. Nine and a four. We 13 out of 24. So that would be, you guys fucking dragged
this thing out. You're able to get it, but you, it does not go unnoticed. And the front
desk guys like, Hey, are you guys bringing that to the I hop? We'll be back. You have
to pay for that. If not charges, I'll charge it. I'll charge you by the hour. Perfect. Perfect.
I've got your license plate written down here, so don't worry about it. Perfect. And, uh,
you guys fucking drive off. Did you record the front or back? It doesn't matter. The
front is the same. One of them is ours. No, why would he put those on the trailer? No,
he said he switched the front plates. Yeah. I switched the front. So the truck has two
different plates. One of them that is yours that belongs to the Bronco. No, I took the
back plate right off. Oh, you took them. Okay. So you've got the Bronco plate on the, on
the front of the Ford F 150. Oh, we are not sponsored by Ford by the way. But if you,
but if they wanted to, if he reports it, they're going to report a Ford F 150 and that plate's
going to come up to a Bronco. So it's all, we're all in the clear. It's all stolen. We
just have to make it back to Troy in time. We're, we're, we're doing fine. And we did
go to the I hop because we got, you know, we went there earlier. That's why we had to
bring him in the bed. So we go into breakfast coffee and four ad-vill. Off for the day. Coffee,
cinnamon pancakes. You got me pancakes? Yeah. French toast pinwheels. Yeah. I'm going to
have to get them. Can I see them? Did you put it on the flight side? You wake up with a
to go box on your stomach. We're just driving down the road. Why is the bed in the back of
the truck? I can't hear you. Okay. You guys arrive outside of eight Bayview, uh, point
pleasant New Jersey. I hope that's not a real address that I'm sending anybody to. Probably
is, but I've never said Bayview road or anything, right? Just Bayview. That's not a real address.
Okay. You guys arrive right outside at 1130. And then we get out. What are you picking
up your prom date? You guys let them know we're here. Eight Bayview is not anywhere where
there is a view of the Bay. Does it, uh, is it like a nice, it's a, it's suburbia. Like
it's house after house. Is there like, is it like one of those like ones where it's
like a gated, like fake gated driveway thing up to like their house or, uh, not that fancy.
It's, it's, it's just like, it's a lot of the same house over and over again, you know,
multiple cul-de-sacs. So it's a little, you know, community. You see, there's a lot of
people on time walking cookie cutter, cookie cutter. Yep. Very annoying. Choose your color
from these three. Yeah. He's got me carsick. He put me in the back on a bed. We, uh, pull
right into the driveway, right? Yeah. We pull one now. If it's something like that, pull
right up out front while he's sitting there eating his pancakes. Pull up in the, get out
and then walk up to the door because beeping out front. Okay. Do you, do you scoot out
with these guys like pancakes in hand? Yeah. Cause like you guys put me in the fricking
bed of it, didn't you? Yeah. So I'd like open up, so I'd like open it up and I'd like scoot
out and have the pancakes in my hands and the container just eating pancakes. So we're
here. Where did you guys go for breakfast? I hop. Oh, you guys actually went to that
place that guy kept recommending. He said that if we went to I hop, we didn't have to
pay for the bed or something like that. Okay. Maybe I misunderstood it, but it sounded like
we went to I hop. We're only paying hourly. He does expect the bed back. He was charging
you hourly for the bed, but you guys paid cash. So there's no actual way. He just started
a running tally. Are they good pancakes? Just eat your pancakes. I knock on the door. Oh,
hello. Hello. Oh, all of a sudden this man comes to the rock. Yes. I am Brock. Hello.
And who may you be? Scotty. Oh, that doesn't mean much. Um, Scotty. Okay. And what can
I do for you gentlemen? I'm in a, I am in a hurry. We are here as representatives of
the D team. Oh, the D team. I called you several times each. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Come on. Come
on. Our phone was lost in an unfortunate boating accident. Oh, well, okay. Excellent. Anyways,
come on in there. All three of you. Yes. This is our D team. This is the D team. All right.
Excellent. Just wait a moment and you just stay here and Fanny's getting ready. Um, what?
You with the pancakes? Nothing. Nothing. This is just our field team. Okay. Okay. Oh, there
are more of you? You guys have like a intelligence agency or something like that in the background?
Yes. Yes. Like people you call and you're like, Hey, get me out of here. And then the
plane comes and the parachute thing and you get sucked out of Tokyo. Precisely. Less of
a plane suck out of Tokyo, more of run through sewers. Oh, gross. Fanny won't like that.
Eat, eat your Fanny won't like it. Okay. Good. Stay away from the sewers. Fanny will, Fanny
will hate that. Um, she's not a sewer girl sewer type girl. Not yet. Not ever. Not ever.
Um, so why don't we come in and, uh, we'll wait for Fanny to come down. She's got a very
important meet and greet for her followers. We're very excited here. All right. What did
she do again? She is a social media influencer. Oh, what, what kind of event will we be providing
security for? Okay. You're going to go to the mall. She's going to the Claire's store
and she's going to meet her loyal followers. She'll be in the store. She'll be in one of
those little kiosk booth things out front. It should be a store. I believe it's, we've
signed up for a store. Oh, it meant her. Yeah. She will be, she will be in, in the store
as well. Um, so let's get down to brass tacks here. Money wise. What are we, what are we
thinking? Uh, we drew up this contract, uh, on the drive here. Our fee starts at 20,000
plus expenses and incidentals. Well, incidental, we fucking lost our truck. They get an invoice
from that later. Oh, I, I, I did hear that. I'm not paying for anything that was lost
before today. Um, and certainly I would hope that you go, would keep the, uh, incidentals
down to a minimum. This, this should be a pretty easy job for it. It went well for the
last guys. It's just a standard contract. Typically I haven't signed paperwork for this
sort of thing either. This is usually an off the books kind of deal. We don't show our
books to the IRS. I show a book that says don't show it to the IRS. Okay. Um, have you
guys done this sort of, you know, the job before? Yes. Many times. We're professionals.
Okay. We provide all sorts of security. All of a sudden you guys hear from upstairs, god
damn it Brock. I told you to put out my pink nail polish, not this purple shit. And, uh,
I, I am so sorry. I will be right back. I have a situation to deal with. Um, Fanny's
very particular about her nail polishes and he's scappers off up the stairs. He said,
let's go out the place. This is his daughter, right? Yep. We're going to scope out the house
and the property and everything in the house. Cause that's what a security team would do.
I'm going to up the mall and Google maps on my phone and find the Claire's. Okay. You
make a tech role for me there Hunter. And you're going to make an interpersonal role.
No, actually you make a tactical role. Which one's tactical tech tech. Sorry. Nine, nine
and seven, seven. Okay. You fail pretty bad. You find Claire's, but there's like so many
results for them. Um, you're just like, you know, the actual technology of an iPhone kind
of eludes you. Yeah. Um, you, however, you do manage to scope around the property. Are
you looking for anything in particular? Valuables safe. Okay. Um, signs of aggression. Yeah,
there are no signs. It's not incidental. So I need to pay for a truck, a boat, a trailer.
What's a loose term. Um, yeah, he's got one of those safes behind a painting. You're able
to look around, you know, you get a good lay of the land and then suddenly from behind
you hear a voice. Hey, Hey, what are you doing over there? We're the hired security team.
Oh, for, for, uh, the D squad, the D squad. Yeah. And standing in front of you is a, is
a large woman, very stocky, very thickly built. And she was, yeah, my husband, he's really,
uh, really worried about those death threats on old Franny. Not me. Franny's fine. I think
her whole job's stupid. Anyways, why are you snooping around my stuff? Uh, not snooping,
just getting a lay of the, the area. We'll do the same at the venue before we bring,
uh, before we bring Fanny over. Have you guys ever heard of this agency, the D O S C department
of social control? They're the ones sending the death threats. I figured cause you guys
were, you know, another agency, maybe you heard, heard of them. Snap my fingers at,
at Hunter's. Look them up. Of course we have heard of them. Yeah. Did they act, uh, did
they actually kill, you know, influencers? Um, our data is incomplete on that subject
right now. Your husband didn't give us a lot of information to go on. Just kind of an address,
a time and a rough. He's kind of an idiot. He probably found you on Google or Craigslist.
Make it interpersonal run role or make it technical. Hunter, eat your pancakes. Seven.
Eat some fresh toast. Yeah. You, you, you do look up the DO, DO SC. However, um, it pings
to like their agency that your phone in particular. So somebody on the backend that you may never
meet, knows that you were looking and they're like, lean over to somebody like, Hey, uh,
should this website be public? Should we be on public? No, we should tell somebody. Um,
yeah, but you do find a department named the DO SC. Oh, yep. Yeah. I see. They're unhappy
with these social media influencers. Yeah. Well, everybody should be. This is kind of
a stupid job. Yeah. I still don't really understand it. It seems like it's over my head. Yeah.
Well, anyways, I'm going to leave you with Brock and Franny. I'm gonna go do my thing.
What is that? Farming. I'm a farmer and the contractor by trade. Hardy honest work. Yes.
We need two jobs. This economy, yeah. Budget cuts, you know, and she walks out. All right.
As soon as I hear her walk away and hear her footsteps get quiet, I'm going to run over
to, I'm assuming there's a desk in the room. If there's a safe behind the painting. And
because Brock's an idiot, I'm going to look right where the pencil holder is for the safe
combination to be written down. It is not written down. Ah, for hired, for not propping
them. And agree incidentals. You didn't agree to the incidentals. You hear footsteps come
back down and Brock has come back down. Crisis, I think averted. Perfect. Then we can go.
I mean, she's almost ready. Oh, okay. Not that the different crisis. Okay. Oh yes. I
found the right nail polish. Um, so just for clarification, I did not put out purple. I
know the difference between pink and purple. It was, uh, I didn't put out hot pink bubble
gum pink. I put out, um, soft pink bubble gum pink. Wrong, wrong one. Wrong. Oh yeah.
Anybody could make that mistake. I'm sure. Absolutely. I shouldn't. I should know better.
Franny says I should know better. Anyways, uh, so you all should get going. Um, did you
bring a limousine? What, what, what, what did you, what did you write up here in? You
never said you'd like, what did we write? And we're not providing transportation for
your daughter, right? You're taking care of that. That was that part of the agreement.
You didn't make that clear. You just said you needed protection. First of all, first
of all, I don't know what I don't know. And I don't know that you guys don't have, you
know, armored cars and you said you had the plane with the hook situation. So I figured
maybe something and he goes over to the window and looks at it. Oh, I try, I try, I try,
Fanny won't ride in that. And you hear Franny, Brock, what the fuck is that parked out front?
I'm not riding in that. Who is that? They must be poor. What type of car do you got?
Um, I have a Mercedes AMG. If Mercedes wants to sponsor this, we could put something in
right now. Um, uh, that's mine. And, um, my wife, she drives a tractor. No Tahoe. She
drives. Yes. She does drive a Tahoe, but like a very expensive one. She drives it to, um,
the other spot where she keeps her work trucks and then uses those for work. Which one will
your daughter ride in? Neither. She hates them both. She hates everything that we do.
Hunter, call an Uber. All right. I'm going to call an Uber black on my phone. I'm only
asking you to do stuff because you're the old retired guy. So anything with technology,
I'm sending it to you. Okay. Hunter, roll a technical. We're the D team. I'm the one
who should be doing all this. All right. All right. I'm going to order us up an Uber black
here, guys. Let's, let's get, did you shrink the screen on the phone where you can't see
the fucking letters? I can't see anything. Is this even on guys? You typed in over.
Yelling at us. I've been on the phone with the operator right now. Get me Uber. Yeah.
Out of three. Yeah. You're like, yeah, you're trying to call. I call the number on the DOS
C page. Hi guys. We need a ride. Uh, uh, yeah. And, uh, who's the ride for? Uh, Fanny Fanny,
the influencer. All right. And, uh, what's Fanny? Do you have her like her handle, her
tag, her username? Fanny hates sewers. It doesn't matter. We just need a ride, man.
And where, where are you? What's is your address? Oh, we're at, uh, eight Bayview, eight Bayview
New Jersey. Okay. Um, excellent. We will send somebody right out. All right. Perfect. And,
uh, all of a sudden you guys get your first glimpse of Fanny. She is a 17 year old social
media influencer and like she has put in more work to look the way she does than the three
of you have put in for any of the numerous weddings that have failed on you guys. And
she comes down and she goes, Oh my God, Brock, are you serious? These are the three that
I have to hang out with today. These guys are gross. Can you get them new clothes? And
Brock's like, Oh my God, guys, I am so sorry. She's really judgmental about her clothes.
Do you have other clothes that you could wear? Look at this guy. He's got other clothes.
Look at this other. We used to cleanly washed them a couple of days ago. If you, if you
were just on the contract, you could have anything you want us to have. See, I don't
sign contracts that I will give you. Um, I will give you, Fanny, what if they changed
at the mall? Only if they wear what I allow them to wear. Can you guys do that? All right.
Well, let's head to the mall now. So I have zero plan on walking next to her. You're not
going to walk next to my daughter. I mean, that's why I hired you guys. I would be doing
it. Yeah. That's bad for me. Eat your French toast. One of us will be next to her. The
other couple will be perimeter scouting and, you know, setting up secure positions. She
can dress you up like a doll. She's not dressing me up like a doll. Okay. Daddy, give them
your credit card. I have to go. And Brock goes, okay, well, um, here's, here's my card.
It's, um, it's an American express. So you can, you know, buy whatever clothes you need
that Fanny says that you need on this. And I will pay, uh, I will pay your guys's fee.
I'll give you 20,000 upfront and then we can discuss any damages on the backend. Is
that, is that fair? Perfect. Perfect. Okay. Um, and card and put it into a thing and put
it in. Okay. And it's not long. He pops his head out of one of the doors. Do you guys,
uh, do you take personal checks or, or no, do no, no Venmo. Sure. Cash is usually best.
Okay. That's fine. Um, I just got to get a little wick liquid right now. Uh, and he walks
and gets some water out of the sink and then walks back to a different room. And, um, you
know, it's, it's the room that, you know, that the safe is in, like you hear some beeps
and some combinations and it opens and it closes and he comes back out with just like
a sack of cash. And he's like, I hope, I hope twenties and tens were okay. Perfect. Okay.
And he says that, okay. So, um, the job is pretty much, you know, just protect Fanny
from getting killed as the death threats are. They scare me. Fanny says I'm, I'm a loser
for caring. Um, and my wife, she, uh, we're not going to talk about her. She's, she's
fine. Um, do you have any examples of these death threats? Are they coming in on the phone
or emails or just as Tiktok? Oh yes. She gets private messages on Tiktok. If that's a thing,
I don't know. I've never used it. She gets some text messages. They're usually from like
a five number, like numbers, you know, like eight, nine, four, one or something like that.
You know, just like, we're going to kill you if you keep it up. Um, things like that. Hmm.
I'm going to leave you guys to go through this. I'm going to head to the venue, scope
it out, meet you guys back here before we take her to the venue. Okay. So you're taking
the truck. Yep. You're going to go take the truck. Yep. Okay. And instead of going to
the venue, I'm going to drive to the nearest ATM and max out his card in cash. What? Okay.
Make a technical role. Six, six, six is a failure. You lock up his American express
card and it is no longer able to be used. He gets an alert. He goes, Oh, that's concerning.
Fanny's not even there to tell them what clothes. Okay. Okay. Um, I'll tell you what. So what
type of threats is she dealing with death threats that exclusively, you know, bodily
harm going to kill you. Do they, do they say with, do they say shoot kill? They just mostly
say kill. They did send a GIF, a GIF, a GIF. I don't know which way you prefer, um, of
somebody, you know, getting beheaded. It was horrifying. Um, that and then just a whole
bunch of other things, you know, it's just not great. Okay. Not great. I'm, I'm terrified.
That's why we moved here. They moved for this? Yes. Fanny thought it would be better to live
in a population where other houses were around so that she could yell at people. That's kind
of her whole thing. She's kind of a bitch on the internet and, and she costs all of
our neighbors and stuff like that. However, she recently signed a deal with the anti PETA
to only show like, you know, refers and all sorts of stuff. Oh, excellent. Yes. Only wear
clothes made of. There's an anti PETA? Business partners with Karela. Can you look up anti
PETA? I want to know about it. I'll look that up another time. The phone battery, it might
be the phone battery is getting like pretty close to the, to the being dead. Cause he
doesn't like put it on airplane mode or like turn it off or anything. It's just always
on and it's like, Oh my God, there's no auto off feature. It's just always running. It's
always roaming because like you guys aren't in Troy, New York and you guys have the worst
wireless plan, even though there aren't such a thing anymore. I don't know. It actually
only works when it's on wifi. You have a Google voice number. You're using the WhatsApp app.
If you guys wanted the wifi, you'd ask, have to ask Fanny. It's, it's hers. I don't even
have it. She won't let me on it. Says I suck up too much at the bandwidth. Oh my God. This
little, do we really have to protect her? She stomps back down the stairs. Okay. Are
you guys going to be the ones that take me to my meeting? Yeah. You ready to go? Did
you guys get a better car? Dad said we could take his car. I'll take my dad's icky car.
Yup. No one's going to see you in the parking lot. It's fine. Everybody's going to see me.
Who are they going to see? You? I thought they were going to see you until you get to
the store. How is nobody going to see me? I'm going to vlog the whole thing. I'm going
to flag the whole thing. What does that mean? You're going to flock someone? No, I'm going
to vlog someone. Me. So the Mercedes is two seater or four. It's a four. It's, it's, it's
four. Yeah. So if you just record in the back and don't point it toward the driver and the
passenger, it's like a G wagon. Yeah. Yeah. You don't have to record us. I'm not going
to record you. You guys are gross. You don't even have different clothes on yet. Yours
are bloody. Ew. Why is yours bloody? And why do you have that banana? That is the artistic
pattern on his shirt. Why would you mistake that for blood? Because it's icky. Yeah. That's
the couture look of it. Yeah. I hate it. I'm not surprised. Daddy, give them your keys.
Uh, well, I actually have errands to run today. Fuck your errands. I gotta go. And, um, he's
like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he hands who takes the keys? I'll drive. Okay.
Can you drive with one eye? Are you allowed to? I can see forward. Okay. And he hands
you keys. Agent Fitzgerald. You arrive at the local triple pines mall. What are you
looking for? Nothing. I was going to the bank to rob this guy. Oh, that's right. You locked
up the car. I'm going to call him from the bank and say, Hey, the, the gap or the main
Lord and Taylor's, uh, didn't accept the credit card. I need you to unlock it and then let
them know that I can use the card. Lord and Taylor. Fanny hates Lord and Taylor. Where
does Fanny like to shop? Only let Fanny, Fanny will help you, help you buy your clothes.
Either way, we need you to unlock the card. I will work on it. But Fanny took my car and
my wallet. This guy is clearly useless. We got a G wagon. Okay. I know. It's still max
out of numeric and stress card for 10 or $15,000 in cash. There's a reason why we're the D
team. Fanny moves into the passenger seat as you guys go to the G wagon and she goes,
wait, I'm going to sit in the passenger seat. I don't care which one of you drives, but
don't look at me. And whoever's in the back, like lay down so no one sees you on my camera.
Okay. I'll drive that way. She's on my blind side. I don't kind of look at her. All right.
Yeah. I'll lay down in the back here, I guess. Okay. You guys pull it out of the driveway
and you begin driving towards the mall. She goes, do you guys know how to get there? Oh,
if I have to take a right, I'm not going to see it coming. We set the GPS up to get us
there taking only left-hand turns. Roll for technical skill there, Hunter. He set the
GPS. I'm driving. I set the GPS. That's a six plus one seven. Seven. Okay. We'll say
like it takes long. Oh my God. Why does the GPS say it's going to take an hour to get
there? Because I can't take rights. That's terrible. Okay. Well, you shut up now. Just
shut up. I've got work to do. And she begins vlogging the whole trip there, lying completely
about everything. She's like, this is me in my own G wagon I bought with my money. My
driver. And this is my driver. You don't get to see him. He's too expensive. Make another
technical roll to see how well you drive. That's a six plus three. So eight, nine, nine.
Nine. Okay. You make it there smoothly. No bumps. Nothing interrupts her vlog. And she
goes, can you get down further? I can kind of see your hip. Just like smush yourself
into the ground. More. All right. Let me just squish here and I'll put my leg up over there.
Okay, good. That way I don't have to change my camera angle. This is where I look the
best. I'm like squished, like hugging like my body against the back of the seat, blocked
out as much as possible. So like when we get into like the parking lot, I want to find
a spot and then just like go real fast into it and just jam the brakes and try to smoke
her off the fucking dash a little bit. Okay. Make it make a combat roll for that. That's
a four, six, seven. I'm not trying to hurt her. Just more or less piss her off. Seven
because like there's no real threat. You, you, you smoke her fucking eye into the dashboard
because she wasn't wearing her seatbelt. What the fuck? What am I going to do now? Who's
going to do my makeup? Oh my God. Did you guys break the car? Do you even know how to
drive? Are you even a real person? Yeah. Fuck. Sorry. Fucking gross dressed, stupid motherfucker.
There's a kid that ran out. The fuck that kid? I'm more important than that kid. And
she slams the door as she gets out. I'm going to fucking Sephora for this. I got to get
my makeup redone. All right. Don't forget, you know, the clothes that you want. You get
the clothes. Oh my God. How am I going to pick out your clothes if you guys aren't here?
Why are you not here with me? It's just like 15 feet ahead of you. I thought you guys were
here to protect me or whatever. I'm going to continue to just walk. But I will, I will
actually dude, no, because anyway, I stand like she's either in my blind spot or the
crowds in the place. Um, you guys, as you get closer to the mall towards the entrance,
like there is a large crowd of like early teenage girls there and like some awkwardly
old dudes crowded around. She goes, see, I told you I was a big deal. 4 million followers.
And like, as she does that, she undoes her windbreaker and she's got like, she's just
wearing a tube top. That's just like a bunch of mink faces. She goes, everybody loves me.
And like, you know, she fucking storms into the place and you guys are left kind of behind.
The Tales from the Crit podcast is recorded in the Wolfbeard Game Studio in upstate New
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Tales from the Crit.
Did you guys hear seagulls or is that just me?