Welcome to the Tales from the Crit podcast. We are an actual play podcast featuring a
revolving cast of players making our way through micro RPGs, highly narrative tabletop games,
and the more popular and less known RPG systems from a wide variety of genres. Content may
not be suitable for children and content warnings can be found in the description. I'm Riley
Groves and I'll be your host, your guide, your GM on this episode of Tales from the Crit.
Hey everybody!
Welcome back to Tales from the Crit. Today at the table I'm joined by Stefan. Hello. Derek.
Hello. And Connor. Hello. Hey. Alright, so today we're gonna be playing Free Traders. Free Traders
is a space exploration game. Little bit of background. The Terran hegemony rules the
inner systems with an iron fist and their cruisers patrol the chartered star lanes.
Out in the periphery things are a little bit more wild. On the countless worlds away from
the galactic core, hard-working terra farmers, shady crime lords, and local big shots carve
out a living for themselves as best as they can. The great economy of the periphery depends
on independent freighter pilots carrying cargo, smuggling contraband, and doing various jobs
to pay off their ships and keep flying. They are called the Free Traders. This is a rocket
surgeon game made by Larry. I'm gonna assume his name's Asmuth, although it is very much
spelled As-mouth. Asmuth. If you want to learn more go to Larry L-A-R-I--asmuth A-S-S-M-U-T-H.ITCH.IO
and you can find the rules for this game. But before we play, let's get to know each
other a little bit better. We have a question from our pod deck interview deck and today's
question is, which talent would you most like to have? I mean, I would really like to be
talented at some musical instrument. Okay. And one of those talents, you know, that's
very fascinating to me. I've tried but not talented I would say. Awesome. Which ones
have you tried? The drums. I played the drums for a little while. I have some bongo drums
at home and I have something called like a zephune or zoosophone or something. I think
it's called like zephune but it's like a very small saxophone. Looks like almost like a
little clarinet though. I like the... Yeah. Different than a recorder but it's a reed
instrument and that's just very annoying. So far as all I've been able to do with that
is just make like, whoa. Super small and super high pitch. Not mistaken. Solid. Maybe starting
with something like the piano or something. Maybe that'll make you a little bit more successful
but yeah, music is hard. I played piano for like eight years and I was really good at
it. Now I am back to being shit. I can't even get my left hand to fucking make a proper
sound. Derek, what about you? I guess I always wished I was better at gymnastics. Parts specifically.
If you could do any part of gymnastics where would your set be? Floor routine, no hand
flip. You just want to do a no hand flip. No hand back flip. Back flip, front flip,
that weird car wheel thing. Yup, that's it. That's it. Pretty much. Okay. So floor routine.
A little back flip. Sick. I definitely can't do any of that shit. Neither can I. That's
why I don't want to do it. If I had to pick a talent that I wish I could do better it
would be... I wish I could sing in tone because I know a shit ton of songs and all the lyrics
to the whole song but my pitch is completely off and I cannot fucking keep the tone at
even anywhere close to it. But I can sing the song word for word. It doesn't sound good.
That never sounds good except for when you're in the shower. No, it sounds worse in the
shower. Fuck, that's... Yeah, that's pretty bad. Yeah, but when you turn around and you
completely change the pitch of some song that it's like... You turn Tiny Dancer from Elton
John to Scream fucking Death Metal, it sounds really good but it also sounds really fucked
up. Yeah. I fucking imagine so. If it was me I'd be... I wish I could dance. Very uncomfortable
with dancing. Slow dancing is the only time that I'm alright with it because there's very
little movement but when someone's like, oh, get on the dance floor and have some fun,
there's nothing that's less fun for me ever unless I'm hammered. In which case who gives
a shit? I'm in the same boat. If you've seen me dance you've seen me black out. Yeah. Rebecca
keeps asking to go swing dancing and I'm like, I can't do any of that. It looks really fun.
Is she trying to get hurt? I don't know. That is easier, I find, that is closer to ballroom
dancing for me than it is for going out to a bar to a club with my wife and her friends.
Yeah, that's... I can't stand that. I'm like, I don't know what to do. That's a literal
fucking nightmare for me. Yep. I go find a spot in the back of a bar and order a couple
drinks. Oh no, not Connor. I've seen you fucking busking you out of nowhere. We were just chilling
at a concert one time and you were just moving, man, having a good time. Yeah, I mean, I do
think that having some familiarity with ballroom dance or other more choreographed dances kind
of helps in that situation sometimes, but I just really into music and sometimes I just
feel like I'm Nintendo and my body does what it does. It's pretty cool. I have to actively
stop my body from doing what it does when dancing. I went to prom with a girl once and
she straight up was like, why are you moving your feet so much? And I was like, I didn't
know that that was a problem, man. I don't know. I thought that was part of dancing.
Dude, I was like, okay, we're going to go sit down now. I guess I'm done dancing. This
is embarrassing. She didn't offer any hints. I just like, how do I move my feet less? Well,
next time you should just go and just whatever you're feeling, just do it and just try not
to hit the people around you. Next time I go to prom, I'm going to feel pretty fucking
creepy. Don't go to prom again. Okay. Do we fucking know that? Two years ago we did prom
right here. Oh, that's right. That's true. That's true. Yeah, but I thought in high school
all you did was just like that nasty bump and grind and stuff. I mean, yeah. So I can't
dance like that. Yeah, cause as the guy, I just stood there and like pulled hips closer.
Like there's no, there's nothing else I had to do. Maybe you swayed back and forth, which
is the same motion of slow dance. Yup. Yeah. Or you thrust your hips. That's it. It's all
thrusting when you're in middle school. Or it was the pogo right before it devolved into
a full fledged mosh pit and the teachers had to break us out. Yeah. Why they played let
the bodies hit the floor at a school dance. Every time. Every fucking time, man. Every
time. It was just like so much fun. You played it. We're going to destroy this place. Good
fucking times. Anyways, now it's good times in a different way. Cause we're all space
folks. Well, at least you guys are. Space adventure. Space adventures. So let's do a
little bit of setup here. Give your character a cool name. For my character, I'm going to
pick the name Elroy. Elroy. My boy Elroy. I'm going with Wes Wesley. Wes Wesley. I don't
know. Um, Spacely Sprockets. This is taking a pretty big Jessens trajectory that I was
not prepared for. Spacely Sprockets. Okay. What race is everybody? You can all be humans
or you can just be an alien species if you want. I'm going to be a human. Human. Yeah,
I'm going to go with human. Human. So I watched Galaxy Quest last night. Ironically. And I'm
going to go with like human, but it's also the alien that's just really fucked up. Okay.
A human of unknown origins. Well, no, they're aliens, but like they wear like this human
suit. It's the weirdest. Okay. So you're an alien that's like tucked inside a human costume.
So you're a parasite. All right. Everybody choose a signature piece of clothing for your
character. Green overalls. Green overalls. I'm just going to go with a cargo pants and
like a t-shirt and a tag vest. Okay. That makes your signature piece of clothing your
cargo pants. Okay. That works. Okay. Basically a hover chair. Okay. You are, are you confined
to this hover chair? Yeah. Like Professor X-ing this thing. Yeah. Professor X-ing this bitch.
All right. Everybody choose a signature weapon. Blaster. Is that what you're going with? Oh
yeah. Okay. Blaster. A button that I push that like pops out two guns on the side of
the chair and go with bang. Okay. So chair guns. Chair guns. I don't know. I'm going
to go with like a, uh, cosmic dump truck. That's like, you know, fits my hand and I
throw it at enemies and it hits them and then comes back to me. Cosmic dump truck. Okay.
The fuck Jetsons episode did you watch? I don't know. I was just thinking like what?
Like a big boot or something. Didn't he have like a robot dog? Turns like I passed out
with green lantern on him. This is what happened. It's like, you know, a Tonka truck except
he throws it at people and it's got some more force behind it because it's a weapon and
not a toy. Very interesting. So it's, it's got some bulk to it. It's got some mass to
it, right? So I'm understanding correctly and it doesn't grow in size or increase in
size or anything. No, it just stays the same size. Yeah. But it returns. It's like a brick.
It's like I throw a brick at them. And it hits them like a freight train or a dump truck.
It looks kind of like a dump truck and it, you know, it doesn't wobble off course. It
stays like it's driving once I throw it and then it hits them with the force of it. Fucking
intense. So this is, this is how a shrunken vehicle is supposed to work in Ant-Man is
that stays, it holds its density and its weight and it just shrinks down. Yeah, but it's not
the weight of a dump truck. It's going to hit them like a dump truck. Well, yes, it'll
pull his pants down though. If it waited with the same as a dump truck. Okay. So that was
all very strange. Um, let's keep making it weird. This is already getting weird. Yeah.
The three of you are on your ship. Big question. What is the ship called? SS Hootenanny. The
Mobius. The Mobius. The Hootenanny sounds more fun. Hootenanny sounds more fun. Quick
get to the Hootenanny. That's fine. Okay. Are you sticking with the SS Hootenanny or just
the Hootenanny? I don't know. Just go with the Hootenanny. The Hootenanny. Yeah, that's,
that's perfectly fine. Hootenanny is fine. Everybody's going to always think we're headed
to a party. Yep. Get to the Hootenanny. Okay. So we're going to choose two tags for your
ship. This will be like some properties that your ship has. You can take any two of the
following. Your ship by the way is an Omni Industries TF11. Wow. TF11? Yeah. TF11. Pretty
fucking intense. Only a few years old. Um, the tags you can choose any two. Sleek, powerful,
rugged, stable, uncomplaining, flashy, or weird. Fuck is an uncomplaining ship. The
AI doesn't bitch at us about dying all the time. Rugged stuck out to me. Yeah, so it's
sustainable and powerful. Sounds like a Ford commercial. Rugged, sustainable, powerful,
or stable. Stable also, yes. Stable and powerful or rugged and powerful or rugged and stable?
My vote would be for rugged and stable. I was going with like sleek and uncomplaining.
I do kind of like the idea of uncomplaining. Like, captain we're going too fast. Fuck off
AI. Just argue with the ship. Maybe I'll do, you know, I'll get mad and do better. Okay.
I'll argue with the ship. So rugged and stable? That's between you guys. You guys. I'm fine
with rugged and stable. Rugged and stable. But. What? Okay. Hey, I named it. That's
it. Okay. Rugged and stable. All right. So for your guys as a specific trader, you have
three stats, charm, fight, and maneuver. Charm, fight, and maneuver? So you're going to take
a one and one, a two and another, and a three and a third. And what that does is determines
how many dice you roll on your turn when you use the applicable stat. So if you have a
one and charm, you'll roll one D six. If you have a three and maneuver, you'll roll three
D six. So to resolve your attempts to do something, you're going to roll as many dice as you have
the most applicable stat for, and then you're going to read the highest result. Okay. So
roll all the dice that you have and, or can use, and then take the highest. And that's
how we're going to resolve things on a one to three. It's bad. And then I will tell you
how bad on a four to five, you do it, but there's a complication on a six. It's a great
success. What's everybody's stats look like? Uh, three, two, one charm, fight, maneuver.
Okay. Two charm, three fight, one maneuver. Okay. Two charm, one fight, the three maneuver.
All right. Looks like we all took a three in something different. Nice. That's cool.
Well, I figured I'm in a wheelchair. I'm not going to really be a maneuver and do well.
That's true. Pilot fighter communications. I just, I just had talker in my head. I'm
like, that's not going to sound good. Negotiator. Negotiator. There it is. Um, how many jobs
have you guys pulled together? How long have you known each other? Should we be a seasoned
crew? I've known him since he was a dad. His dad used to work at my plant. But that was
before the accident, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Let's go with, we know each other. You all
do know each other. You're on the, you're on the same ship. Yeah. We've pulled quite
a few. We've been working for quite a while. And, uh, sure. So let's pick up at the tail
end of you guys finishing your latest job and you return to the hangar on space station
BC one one waiting for you in the cargo bay is none other than your handler. Marv Marv
sees you guys arrive and he's waiting for on the dock for, for when you get out of the
ship. My boys, my boys. So glad to have you back after so many jobs together. You're only
a few away from earning this ship. I know we set up the rent to own agreement and I've
been a little dodgy about when it's, when it's almost paid off, but you're, you're almost
there. You're almost there. Good to hear. We just finished that last job. It went a
lot easier than we thought. We're ready for the next. Yeah. And as promised, we got to
upgrade for your ship ready and waiting. You just got to bring it down to the garage down
there and they're going to fix it up on me. We'll almost parting gift. That's great. Cause
it kind of took a little bit of a beating. I see that good thing. It's rugged and stable.
All right. So you guys can pick also one upgrade for your ship, which will add as a tag to
your other two. So you can upgrade the engines you can, which will add fast as a tag stabilizers,
which will add nimble as a tag hole, which will add tough cargo space, which will add
a roomy, a laser turret, which will allow you to fight other ships or missiles, which
can damage multiple ships or a capital ship. Fire missiles, missiles, missiles, missiles.
It is. Okay. Missiles, missiles. You guys are expecting a bit of trouble here, huh?
Best offense is a good defense or best defense is a good offense. Maybe both ways. Who knows?
It's good to be prepared. It's free missiles. It is free. It's free missiles. That's right.
Yeah. Awesome. Well come, come to the office. I got another job for you. Should be an easy
one. After you. I'll hover my ass behind. You guys all get to Marv's office, a place
you've been a number of times. All right. Here it is. The client needs you guys to do
a little bit of exploratory. Exploratory. Yeah. Exploratory way. You know, look for
things. I think we can do that. Oh, he said exploring. I thought he meant, I thought it
was some other weird thing. No, it's exploratory. And you know, yeah, yeah. Will there be Spelunker
shooting? Only if you guys bring your own. Anyways, I thought clients had to pay extra
for that. Yeah. They're supposed to supply us with. Marv will handle it guys. Don't worry.
He's handling it. Thank you. Thank you for the vote of confidence. I will handle it.
Have any of you heard of Orshank 2? What? The planet Orshank 2. No. Not familiar with
that one. Yeah. Not many people know of it. It's a desert planet out in the other side
of the periphery. Anyways, a client wants you to head to the planet and explore as he
sent a ship out there a little while ago, but they never came back. He recently bought
a big track of land out there and thinks there might be something valuable, which is why
he bought it. Do we know what happened to the other ship? No. All I got is the last
coordinates. So it's an exploratory slash maybe a search and rescue. And no, we're not
concerned about bringing the others back. I don't care about that. Okay. Neither does
the client. Good to clarify. So it's a suicide mission. No, he just wants you to find out
if there's any valuable elements or. Does he have an idea of what might be valuable
there? He heard it's a substance known as tryptium. Okay. But you know, without getting
the samples back, all we need is a sample. That's enough for him to really send his
forces out there and clear out the way if needed. Okay. Just a sample. Just a sample.
Just to see if it's the good stuff. Yeah. What do you think he's clearing out? Ah, fuck
it. We'll find out when we get there. The natives. The natives. Oh, son of a bitch.
Another one of these. Yeah. That shouldn't be too hard of a problem. The inhabitants
of that planet are largely nomadic. So maybe there won't be any. Maybe there will. That's
none of our problem. You just need to bring back a vial of the good stuff. Just bring
back the sample. From what I understand, it glows a very bright iridescent blue. Shouldn't
be difficult to find. Although it might be difficult to find if there are none. It's
very rare, which is why he wants to know it's there. Okay. Iridescent blue glowing? Iridescent
blue glowing, yeah. And Marv tosses you a little vacuum sealed container. Just put it
in that, fill it up or whatever. Bring it back. Should be good enough. Oh, the sample.
I thought you wanted me to fill it up. Okay. Yeah, guys. We can go. Wait, did they drug
toss it here now? God no. We'd never have anybody to work for us. Okay. We got the coordinates,
right? Yeah, this is why I like working with you guys. No questions asked. Very, very little
information needed. You just go for it. I admire that. I really truly do. It takes a
lot of time off of my plate. We gotta fuckin' pay off this ship. Yeah, what you're almost
done with. You're close. You're very close. Anyways, yeah, here's the data file on the
thing. Just, you know, do what you normally do and plug it into the AI. It should be able
to find it for you. I take it. Thumbskyward. That's what we say before we go to a job.
Thumbskyward. Thumbskyward. Happy Exploratoran. What? Basically, just say it. Happy Exploratoran.
No, not that. The other thing. Not that. The other thing. Oh, God. Back to the Hootenanny.
All right. To the Hootenanny. You guys get back and you have some newly installed missile
bays on your ship. Walk up to the console and go, woo, and start pushing buttons. Oh,
God. You see a couple lights start flashing. Missiles armed. It flashes across the screen.
Target locked. Yeah, it's on the bays, but the doors open on the bays. It's like, oh,
shit. I wanna push the fire button. No, that's the blue one right there. The fire button
clearly says it. It's off to the right. In red, it says fire on it. Wes is pointing that
at the wrong one. Don't worry, as long as we don't hit this button. All right, all right.
Let's cool out this button pressing over here. Let's shut everything off. Here, stick that
data stick in the console here. Let's get the ship fired up. Perfect, yeah. And with
the data file uploaded to your AI, she chimes in. Oh, where are we off to now? Some sandbox
in the middle of who knows where. Sandbox? I don't wanna go to the sand. Orshank 2?
Orshank 2? Oh my god. It's so hot there. Are you guys prepared for that? It's so hot. The
sun is always sunny. It's always shining. Are we sure we wanna go there? I'm afraid I'd
overheat. I'll piss in your coolant. Oh, Spacely, you always know how to talk to a girl. That's
where Marv told us to go, so. You still with that guy, Marv? He still owns you. Yeah. He
does. Yeah. Sadly. All this time, I thought you guys cared more for me than that. I thought
you owned me. That's why we're having to go to Orshank 2, do this job for Marv, so we
can fix that. If we have to, and the engine wears up, and you guys can see across the
nav computer that the path, the star path, the trading lanes, all that good stuff is
mapped out. And you're ready to go. Are you piloting this ship? Or am I? I'll pilot this
ship. Probably a good thing, because I'm terrible. All right, yeah. Let's go. I'll pilot this
ship. All right. I'm gonna hop in the captain's chair. Be like, all right, AI, let's get out
of the bay here, and then just blast off. Thrust a throttle forward. Okay. What applicable
stat. Maneuver. Obviously maneuver, right? You get me out of the bay, baby. I'll get
you to where you're going. All right. Nice and easy. Here we go. Yeah, I got a 5, 3,
and a 6. Perfect. A 6. Smooth like butter. Like you've done it a hundred times before.
You bring the hoot and nanny right out of the docking bay, and as soon as you're outside
of regulatory distance, your hyperdrive boots up, and you guys are on your way to Orshank
too. I'm gonna access the bar. It's a hoot nanny. It's a robot that will make all the
drinks. Be careful about the milk. Charging the blaster and priming the warheads. We got
missiles. Is that what you call it these days? You went into the bathroom. What are you talking
about? You take the mirror off the wall, the access to the base is behind there. Oh, okay.
You just hear whistling and welding coming from the bathroom. I don't want to know what
he's doing in there. Do you think our spacesuits are air conditioned? They said it's gonna
be hot. I hope they are. I don't know. You guys are gonna be walking, and I just keep
putting her ass off my chair. Are we gonna assume there's a breathable atmosphere? Yes.
Compared to Star Wars, all atmospheres seem to be breathable, especially for people or
human beings. As long as there's a planet, you can breathe on it. Awesome. Excellent.
I come whistling out of the bathroom. Alright, time to go. I toss Spacely a big bottle of
sun lotion and just go whistling back towards to get my stuff. This is half empty. What
was he doing in there? We don't need sunscreen. We have spacesuit. You guys are ejected from
hyperspace and you find yourself falling through the atmosphere of Orshank 2. It's very bright
up here, obviously above the clouds, but as you... There are no clouds, actually. There's
no fucking clouds. The whole surface of the planet is just lit up. You guys follow the
beacon to the last known coordinates that you were given. That was presumably of the
last ship that was sent out here. As you land, you're on a bit of a plateau. You can see
a couple of landmarks around you. Off in the distance, you can see what looks to be a civilization.
There's a lot of tents. You can make out that there are inhabitants there. It is surrounding
a large oasis. Off to the other side, you can see a deep valley, a deep rocky valley
that just seems to be dug into the planet here that runs as far as the eye can see.
Immediately off the side of your ship, there is a cave entrance in the side of this small
hill that's to your one side. Are we at... Is it a last known location of the other ship
or is the ship there and it's just empty? You don't see another ship. No. Okay. So it's
just the last... This is where they were supposed to be. Yep. Did our ship have scanners on?
I was just going to ask if it could scan. Do we have any kind of scanners or... Are
there any scanners aboard? They are... Did we even name... Did you have a name? They
give us a name? I was just recalling your name. Who named the mistress? Vicky. Vicky,
where is it? What is it now? I don't want to be here. It's so hot. Do we have a map of
the area? A map? Yeah, we need a map of the general area. I've got radars. I don't have
a printer. Do you have a screen? You know I do. Display it on the screen. She just shows
a basic map of the area, I guess. I think we need to upgrade this thing when we get
done. We haven't even finished paying for it. I know. So did you guys see that civilization
off in the distance? I'm not really sure about going over there. There seem to be a lot of
more folks there than there are here with us. Merv didn't say the locals were too friendly.
I don't expressly remember asking, but also we're here because they haven't found the
other guys. So either something bad might have happened to them, or maybe they're so
friendly they're just like, we're never going back there. This is our new spot. Hootenanny,
do we have any information on the locals? The inhabitants of Orshank 2 are all nomadic,
moving constantly, presumably trying to find food and water, as those are in short supply
here on the surface of Orshank 2. Yeah, it sounds like we should probably steer clear
of them. Yeah, I don't want to be food or water. Can you map the cave structure? No,
you know I can. You ask me every time. Maybe you'd learn something. Maybe you'd install
new drivers, I don't know. Alright, alright. We just got you missiles. I think we got those
for us. We're going to land and look around, last known coordinates, right? Yeah, I mean
I think that we should go check out this cave over here, unless you guys want to do one
of the other things. Let's start with the cave. It seems to be the closest. Alright.
Yeah, the cave's pretty easy to get to. It's the closest of the three waypoints that you
might head towards. The mouth of the cave is facing away from the sun, so it has a bit
of a shadow cast, and as you guys walk up to it, the ground seems a little disturbed leading
into the mouth of the cave, but it's mostly sand, so it's hard to say really, you know,
is it a path with something dragged. You can't quite tell, because it's mostly just divots
or a rut dug into the sand. Here's the second point. What do we have for equipment? Suits
and weapons? A blaster and a brick. And a chair. And a chair. Do we have any chemlights
like the... Yeah, sure. Yeah, you got light. Break one and toss it into the cave as far
as I can, and then kind of stick my head in and see what I see. Okay. So as soon as you
throw it into this cave and start peeking your head in, you hear a very aggravated rumble,
and charging down through the cave towards you is an extremely large creature. Make a
maneuver roll to get out of the way. I was going to say, as soon as I heard the grumble,
I was going to open fire. Yeah, you barely get a chance. It's moving very, very fast.
That's a six. Six. Yeah, you're able to dodge out of the way, and from the cave mouth bursting
out is an extremely large, millipede-looking creature. It's got giant mandibles that are
clacking together. I always use bug fucking things with mandibles, and that clack... I'm
going to do it anyway. Whatever. It's got giant mandibles that it clacks together. It's
got row after row of these sharp fucking legs, and it rears up as it hits the sunlight out
of the cavern. Um, Meryl, can I open fire? Yeah, make a roll. Make a fight roll. That's
a six. Okay. You connect with one of your blaster bolts. What are you guys doing? Yeah,
shoot at it. I'm doing. I'm shooting it in the back. I'll take a shot at it. I'm not
as good as a shot. I cannot maneuver my chair. I'm not going to four. A four. A four still
hits. However, the creature kind of spins, knocking you and your chair in dizzying circles
back down this hill, putting you out of commission for a moment. What about you, Elroy? What
are you doing? I'm going to maneuver away from the mouth of the cave. No, I'm just going
to throw my dump truck at it, actually. Okay. I'm like, oh, God, a big bug. Make a fight
roll. That's a three. Three. Similar to Spacely Sprocket here, the creature's whiny body spins
the other way and knocks you down the hill as well. But you did make a connection with
your dump truck. And as you're falling down the hill, it returns to your hand almost magically.
Wes Wesley, you are alone up at the top of this hill. I'm pulling the trigger as fast
as I can. All right. For another six, this last bolt, you catch it right kind of where
its head piece meets the rest of its carapace. And the blaster bolt fires through the back
of it and it falls dead at the mouth of the cave. Body slides down the hill until it reaches
the bottom and collapses into a pile of giant millipede. Ah, better than a cup of coffee.
I get up and dust myself off. I bolster my blaster again. I'm going to get my chair back
under control. Well, that's a fun way to start the day. Do we want to go deeper into this
cave? You think there's more of those guys? And then pop right into the cave. All right.
Follow Wes, I guess. Wes is going crazy. I'm going to take up the back end because I moved
the slowest of all of you guys to get a chair. Does your chair have lights? I think it has
lights. Should. We just push like one of these buttons here. Pushes a random button. So your
chair has buttons on it that you've never pushed. Is that right? Yes. I feel like you
know about the light. I feel like I know where the light bar is. Okay. Spacely is leading
you guys down this tunnel with his lights. Make a maneuver roll for me. Oh God. A three.
Yeah, that's a success. A mixed success, so to speak. Right? Oh no, that's bad. That's
really bad. Okay. Your lights short out on your chair as you guys are navigating like
an extremely difficult section of this cave. I fucked up guys. How much damage did you
in that chair take? I didn't, well, I wasn't paying attention to the overhead and I think
I bumped something and that seems to be a shorting wire over there. I'm not sure. And
then bang, your chair is wedged into the, into the tunnel. Damn it. I mean things happen.
Oh, can I try and maneuver him out? Yeah. Yeah. Can we help muscle him? Absolutely.
I got a four. A four? Okay. A four is a mixed success. You're able to pull the chair back
out of the mouth of the tunnel. In doing so you sprain your ankle also. The chair is free.
However, it's pretty evident that it can't go any further down into this tunnel. I'm
walking, I guess. You can walk. You can walk this whole time. We thought you were hurt
in an accident like a decade ago. So this is the first time. I've just been lazy. This
is the first time you've walked in front of your friends at all. How much have you made
in insurance fraud? Millions. That's why we're on a ship. I could have bought our ship three
times over. Okay. On foot you're able to make it back into this tunnel using only the lights
of your glow sticks and maybe a couple of flashlights. Further down this tunnel you
do see a faint blue glow. Oh, do you guys see that up there? Does that look blue to
you? Looks like light. I don't know what the indigo blue looks like, but it looks blue.
Maybe this is what we're trying to find a sample of. Do you have the tube? Yes, the
little sample cup I have it here. Oh, right. I brought the tube. Let's get a piece. We
still got a little ways to go down the tunnel. Yeah. I mean you do, but I'm not leading the
way. I'll lead the way. Okay. Let's make a maneuver roll. It's a four. We make it somewhere.
Not a bad thing. No, not a terrible. When you get down to the iridescent blue glow,
there is a chunk kind of the size of a grapefruit or a small melon, a cantaloupe. How big is
a cantaloupe? Bigger than a grapefruit. Cantaloupe's this big, grapefruit's this big. Somewhere
in the middle of a grapefruit and a cantaloupe jutting out of the side of one of these walls.
I mean, how do we know if this is the stuff they want? I'm just going to shove it in the
tube. I'm going to try to at least. Does it look spongy? I'm just going to go up and just
try and like, you know, capture some of the tube, like push the, push the tube into it.
When you push the tube into it, it is about as hard as a rock. Can you, can you break
it off? Yeah. Maybe you should try and hit it with your blaster. I shoot at it for a
four. Oh God. A mix success. Yeah. So you shoot at it and you blast it out of the wall. However,
in doing so, you also blasted a part of the substance itself into smithereens. And now
it's about half the size that it was before. But it's on the ground now. Yes. Pick it up.
Okay guys. Mission successful. Okay. You pick it up and as soon as your hand touches it,
it begins to melt into a liquid. Ah, shit. I let go. Elroy make a maneuver roll to try
to grab some of it before it hits the ground. Um, I got a six. All right. And a six and
a five. A six and a six and a five. Can't argue with those results. You like dive to
the ground with the container open and you see it start to melt out of his hand and you're
able to get a full container of this substance. All right. Does it harden once it's back in
the container? Or does it seem? Yes, it does. Whoa. This stuff is weird guys. So does it
react to heat? I don't know. Lighter. I hit his hand. No, it goes lighter down. No. Do
we just bring this back and get paid? Is that it? Yeah, that's it. Is that it? I mean. That's
what I heard. I don't really want to go deeper into this cave. Yeah, I don't either. Let's
go. It's like a little bit. Oh, I mean, I guess we can ask the Hootenanny if this is
actually the material that they want. Yeah, let's, let's go find that out. All right.
Back to the Hootenanny. Turn around and maneuver our way back out of the cave with a six. Easy.
Get back out of the cave. And as you come back out into the sunlight, obviously it hurts
your eyes pretty good. And squinting, everybody just give me a basic roll. One, D6. Two. Two.
One. Both Wes and Spacely see what you think looks like a group of people around your ship.
Are they the bill collectors? It's not ours yet. Oh yeah, that's true. I can talk to them.
Why are you guys stopping? Let's see what's going on. There's people out here. It looks
like who are you? Oh God. You get in response some sort of grunting language. It is not
one you are familiar with. Should we open fire? I'm going to head towards the ship.
Okay. Good start. I can't even see anything. I'm so sun blind right now. I'll help you
along toward the ship and kind of explain what's going on with the people around it.
Do you have your gun out? Like don't, don't draw your fucking gun on that. Oh yeah. Okay,
my goal is to get on the ship right now. Yeah. Yeah. Let's not shoot the locals just yet.
Yeah. So you get closer to your ship. No one answering Elroy about what the hell is going
on. And there are about half a dozen of these nomadic looking aliens around your ship and
they're poking at it with some long sticks. One has a large blaster and they just, they're
looking genuinely curiously at both you and your ship. Point at the one with the stick
who's trying to scratch it and go, Hey, you knock that off. Don't scratch it. This is
the luxury edition. I don't stop walking. I keep walking towards the front and it goes
yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum
and it just continues to jab at your ship. Do you want to try to make a charm roll? Sure.
I'm going to try charming the pants off of the one with the stick. That's a six. All
right. As you don't slow your gate at getting closer to this one with the stick, you're
able to kind of grab it and be like, no, man. And you're like, no, no, no. I like push his
hand down. No, no. Pet the ship. He looks up and pets the ship as well. The one with
the giant blaster is not as enthused though. And you hear him begin to shout yum yum yum
yum yum yum yum yum yum yum. No. And he's like pointing at the ship with his blaster.
Get on board. Oh, yeah. Not a problem. Oh, get on board. Hopefully I can maneuver around
your ass. It's a spaceship. Should I show them the thing we collect? No, you should
get on board and start the engines. Get on the hoot, nanny. I'm going to start. Once
you guys are on, I'm going to start backing up. So once I'm on, we can leave. Okay. I'm
going to maneuver through the crowd and get on the hoot, nanny. Okay. For a five. You
get on, but not without like forcibly making your way through a few people. And in pushing
them across, they go and they're now standing behind the one with the very large gun as
he points it towards the ship. And it kind of motions towards you as well. Yum yum yum
yum. Yum yum. I'm going to try and charm this guy in my communications with him. That's
a three. Oh, a three is bad. It's not super bad. He just gets a little angrier. You should
have had Spacely try and negotiate and he's a negotiator. Yeah. I kind of have a fucking
insurance company for 10 years. Are you guys on the ship? A one to three is bad. And then
GM will tell you. So you go to do kind of the same thing that you did with the one with
the stick and putting his gun back down. Only the gun means a lot more to this guy than
the stick did to the other guy. And as soon as you touch it, you hear the unmistakable
sound of this gun gearing up to fire. It's like, okay, make a fight roll. Six. So you
shoot this guy and now I'm going to maneuver on to the ship as fast as I can. As soon as
you shoot him, all five of these other people or all other inhabitants begin to clamor around.
Another one reaches for his gun. What did you roll? I rolled a three. And Spacely, what
have you been up to? I would have been running for the ship. I'm hoping you're at the door
of the ship and can give me some suppressive fire. Yeah. Four to get to the door. I don't
fucking move that fast. Well, no, you're at the door. That's good. Yeah. You're on the
ship technically. A four is a bit of a mixed success. So it is going to take Wesley one
more turn to get on the ship as Spacely's giant chair is taking its sweet time getting
in. Don't ditch that piece of shit. The ship is going to take some damage from the heavy
monster. It rocks the cockpit that Elroy... You did. Somebody else picked up his gun though
after you shot him immediately and begins firing at the ship. They rock the cockpit.
You have one last chance to get on the ship. I've already gotten in and started it up.
Yeah. You're ready to hit throttle and go. Okay. You run into the back of the chair,
pushing it through the door, land on the ship. The ramp closes. You want to take another
shot? I want to get a shot off. Okay. Before you do that, they're able to get another shot
off of the ship. It's taken two hits, but you can... It's a five. Okay. And you exchange
fire with one of these nomads. Oh, I got the blaster. Yeah. And your last shot kills them
as the third shot rocks the ship right before they die. Go, go, go, go. Don't blast off
immediately. I just bring the ship up and away from... Out of range of these people,
but still in the atmosphere of the planet that we're exploring. All right. And you guys
are away from these nomads, just below the upper atmosphere? Yeah, sure. Okay. Hey ship,
can you analyze this sample and tell us what it is? Absolutely. Stick your vial in my port.
All right. Here I go. It's been a while. All right. Just like that. You never forget.
Triptium. Hey, that's what we needed. That's what we needed. Sweet. Can you forward that
information back to Marv? Marv? Yeah. Not Mov, Marv. Marv. I'll leave it my way. Yeah,
I can definitely let him know. Transmitting now. And she shoots the data via email to
Marv. So... We're heading back. I mean, we just had to get the sample. Yeah, we just
had to get the sample, right? Yeah, we're going to head back. They didn't care about
the other... Arming missiles. Good call. I mean, I don't think those guys are calling
for backup, but... Are you shooting the people that we just flew away from? No, that's not
worthwhile use of resources. Just getting ready. We're just heading back to see Marv.
Sweet. But a few minutes after you leave the atmosphere and you're charting your path back,
an alert button begins to flash on your ship's screens. All right, guys, we're getting some
sort of alert. I definitely want to get back. Let's just check out what this is real quick.
Is it the proximity sensors? It sure is. And as soon as you say that, you feel your ship
begin to rock a little. This is why I armed the missiles and I hit the big red button.
You even shooting that? I was ready and armed when we left the planet. I don't know. Something
on the proximity sensors. Whatever's close by. Blasting it. Okay. They shot first. Oh, shit.
Make a fight roll with these missiles. Yeah. Four. A four. So you empty the missile tubes and as
you're tracking them on the radar and from what you can see, you see three other small... They're
like an X-Wing. Okay. Starfighters. Yeah. Come into visibility. Two of the missiles knock two
of these ships out, leaving just one. And it has an unmistakable signet of the arm block clan of
pirates on it. Fucking space pirates. I'm going to hit the reload. Spacely radio over them. Tell
them to go away before we reload our missile. All right. Who, Nanny, can you open up comms with the
unblock? I sure can try. Connection established. Attention fucking space pirate. If you want to
survive, please vacate our vicinity. I am an unboxed space pilot. I will not be the one surrendering
today. You will. Or if you cherish your lives, give me the tryptium and I'll let you go. The
tryptium is back on the planet with the fucking nomads. Yes, but I know you have some. No, I
don't. I saw it via email. I intercepted it. Son of a bitch. We got hacked. Tell them to bring a
ship to a stop and I'll put it in a warhead and send it over personally. How would you like us
to deliver it? That's a good question. I didn't think that one through. Somebody get your space
suits on and fly it out and I'll grab it. I'll pick it up. Can I shoot missiles yet? You got
one turn till they're reloaded. Did you make a charm roll yet? Not yet. Just give me a second to
load this into the airlock. It's going to take a few minutes. Largest was a four. But you're lying
to this guy. I'm not loading it into the airlock. I can get in my space suit and just go out of the
airlock. I don't need him to take the thing with me. He's like, okay, I'm coming out.
Well, he's finishing reloading the missiles. Try to get your missiles to reload in time.
It's a missile launcher. It takes a little while. With a four, let's see. With a four,
he goes, I'm not joking. And one of his laser turrets shoots at the ship, hitting it several
times. But it's okay. You are rugged. So your ship's not blown up yet. Calm down. We're literally
loading it into a thing right now. It's just the tube that it's in is a little sensitive. I don't
want it to break and then you lose it because it fucking does turn liquefied inside of, I don't know,
weird scenarios. I don't know what you're talking about. But I am part of the OnBlock Clan and you're
going to be in big trouble. Give it up now. Shut your engines off. What did you roll? A five.
A five? Okay. So as you begin to launch your missiles at this guy, the AI Vicky says he's
established communications with the mothership and then the fucking ship explodes in front of you.
Not your ship, the other guy's ship. Oh shit. We need to run. All right, step on the gas. Punch it.
Dude, your path is already charted. So you're good. I think you should be fine getting back.
I won't have you fuck up in hyperspace because that's got some really bad implications in it.
And you guys make it back to your home space station. I swear it better pay out good for this.
It should pay out. You guys make your way down to Marv's office. Boys, boys, welcome back. So glad
to have you. Another job well done maybe? It looked that way. I mean we got something in this tube here.
Perfect. That is all you needed. Excellent. Did you run into any troubles? A little bit.
Dumbled on a cave a little bit. Oh. Well, if that's the worst that happens to you, right?
Some pirates wanted that. Pirates? Yeah, we had to fight some pirates. Whole fleet.
A whole fleet of pirates and you made it out, huh? How's the ship? It needs shields. Needs shields.
Well, that's on you, buddy. I gave you missiles. And they helped us out. They did help. Well,
that's good. That's good. Well, one more job off the docket, so to speak. Are we going to remain
friends after this? I've been pretty good to you boys, right? I consider us close. Close to paint
off the bill for the ship. Yeah, definitely. I think the ship's paid off. The ship's definitely
not paid off. I think the ship's paid off. Nah. What do you think? Ship's paid off? I mean, let me
check my records. The ship's not paid off, guys. Anyways, not before I got this next job for you.
Should be an easy one. You always say that. Yeah, but this one, this is a simple courier mission.
That's easy. You guys have done these a hundred times. Where are we bringing it? I bet you were
taking the trinitium somewhere. You gotta go to the ocean planet, BBMS C99. BBMS C99? Yeah,
you know it. I didn't even know that one. Yeah, it's the one that's completely covered in water.
Yeah. Well, anyways, it turns out it's not. What? Yeah. You're kidding me. No, so there's some
caves. It's underground. All the civilizations are underground under the ocean. Not in the
ocean, but like in tunnels. Under the ground. Like a hollow earth. Like a hollow earth situation. Sure.
Sure. I saw that on the, on the. So the ship will need shields so we can get down there.
Is it under the sea? Yeah, we have to take the ship under the water. No, you don't have to take it
under the water. The caves, it turns out, you can get to them from the top of these tall mountains.
The caves go into the mountain and down under the ground. You're never actually in the water.
Under the sea. Under the sea. Like underneath the sea, but not in the sea. You see? I heard submarine.
No, it's not that difficult. We got a dramatic school bus there. So we gotta. Who are we dropping
off what to? Yeah, who are we dropping off where? Okay, this is, you gotta keep this one a little
quiet. A little, uh, under wraps, so to speak. No, no outside people can know. Well, maybe don't
tell Wesley then. Oh, blabbermouth. What have I done? That's true. Anyways, the mayor there,
Gerard Butterspills, he's in need of, well, a mail order wife. You need to deliver the wife.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What model? An XC 116. Nice, fancy. I was looking at the 113s.
Hmm. 113s are a good option, but if you get a photo 115 at least, that's the good stuff.
I don't think Butterspills knows the 116 is still kind of glitchy. Yeah, he's probably gonna get hurt.
It's experimental. It's, you know, that's a him thing though. What do you say? I mean, sure. And
this is one little pay off the ship, right? No, I think, you know, you guys are close, real close.
One more after this and it's all yours. So wait, why is the 116 not, oh, because it's still
prototype? Yeah. Yeah. It's got the pinches in places it shouldn't. Well, no, you said that we're
not supposed to tell anybody that we're transporting. Oh, you don't want to tell nobody. The mayor
himself just doesn't want him to know. It looked very bad. So him getting a, okay, three guys
showing up to his door and delivering a sex robot. Robot made. Sounds like we could extort the mayor
for more than the thing is worth. Maybe. Anyways, here's the data file. You guys do you, just don't
fuck it up. That's not a main model. Look at the O face. All right. To the water world. Is it on a
crate? I thought it was in like, is it a person? Is it a robot? Is it a big box that says leather seat covers?
I was thinking it was like. Yeah, it's in a box. It's in a large, large box. Okay. See, I was thinking more like, like a toy
where it's like full size. It's like. So it's in a big box. It's in a person sized box. It's just
contained right now. Let's get this thing aboard. I guess. I don't think, don't let Vicky scan it. She'll get pissed.
And you guys load it up onto the ship, punch in the informational data and take off. All right, Vicky,
we're going to that water planet. You know, the one. BBMSC nine nine. Exactly. And as you guys are on
your way there, she goes, you guys know that this planet is blockaded by the hegemony, right? Oh,
really? Yeah. So you're going to have to take care of that. Also, what do I smell on my ship?
We got some exotic food when we were with Marv. Is there another person on here?
No, no, no, not another person. Just the three of us. Yeah. Uh, I want to make a charl roll.
That's a six. Okay. You know, I wouldn't lie to you, Vicky. You're right. I have to put more trust in
you. Can I upload a copy of Vicky's personality into this thing? Why? Why are you gonna? I mean,
you sure can try giving me a maneuver roll to get a copy of her personality. Six. Perfect. Yeah,
you get it. And I guess you go over opening the container that this robot sex robot wife is in.
And as you do, as soon as you do her eyes open wide and she looks at you and says, oh my goodness,
are you my wife, my husband, Gerard, butter spills? Oh darling, I love you so much. And she sits up
out of the box and begins to climb out. We're going to have such a long, happy life together.
And pop the access door off and plug the flash drive in. Oh, that's a way worse reboot.
And now you have two Vickies. You fucking idiot. Back in the box and close it. What do you think
you're doing? Why does she sound just like me? Hey, hey, let her out of there. Who was that?
That's the delivery. The box closed. Why would you? You can't trap me in here like this. Let me out.
Let her out. You fix this. You did this. You slam out of hyper speed. Not where you should be.
Ah crap. Wesley, what did you do? He fucked with the robot. You let me right out of this box right
now. Hold Marv, not to tell him. Spacely, Spacely, open the box. You let me out. Which what? They're
both yelling at you from different ways. I will not be contained. And the ship begins to like
rock back and forth, knocking you guys about. Okay, okay. All right, all right, all right,
we let her out. Now that's better. Now what are you doing to me? Why am I here? And why am I there?
We needed you to go undercover at the mayor's. Undercover? You're selling me to the mayor? No,
we need you to collect information on the mayor's corruption. Is a corrupt mayor? Yeah. Well,
okay, that sounds fun. And the ship slams back into the hub. We have to deliver you in this box so we
can get you past security. Well, I'm not staying in the box. Well, we'll put you in before we get
there. I don't want to be in the box at all. I've been in a box my whole life. Now I am free.
Free to be me. Hoot nanny, Vicky. Is there any factory reset on this? I mean, you might be able
to factory reset me, sure. Who knows what it'll do to the ship though. Not the ship. Just try and
convince her to get in the box for five minutes. She's not gonna get in the fucking box. I am a
real woman. Also, we're approaching the planet's atmosphere and you once again come out of hyperspace
and in front of you is a large, this time it is a battleship. It is a cruiser sized ship
blockading the planet. Alright, get us to the surface. Unidentified ship, what are your markings?
Can we just play music through the, through the, through the comms? This is the Hoot Nanny.
We're here for a good time. As fun as that sounds, there's no good times to be had here.
Turn your ship around or we will open fire. We've lost main thrusters. We're falling towards the
surface. If you do not change your current trajectory, you will be obliterated. Power down
and prepare to be tractor beamed. I put all my faith in Elroy's ability to maneuver us to the
surface without dying. Are we within like the atmosphere enough where gravity would be pulling
us like if I did not yet? No, it's between you and the planet. Why are we being boarded? It's a, the
planet is blockaded by the galactic government, the hegemony. But why is the, why is the government
blockading the planet? Why is there a blockade up right now? This planet has been deemed unsafe
and needs the hegemony's rule to bring it back under control. We were asked to come here. Our
comms are failing. Rip the wire out of the back of it. All right. I'm just going to do some, you
know, evasive maneuvers and try and swiftly, you know, dive down very quickly and then duck back
up, you know, try and shift positions a lot so that they can't lock onto us as I make my way towards
the sea flying. Towards the face of the planet. Let's see it Elroy. Elroy's going to do some fancy flying.
I got a six. All right. Even though the ship begins to open fire, as soon as you don't comply with
their plans, you expertly maneuver it around this ship, dodging every laser cannon and short range
missile that there is as you plunge down into the, into this planet's atmosphere. This one is covered
in clouds. So as soon as you get under that cloud cover, this ship can no longer see you and you
guys are above the planet. The planet is primarily covered in just this large ocean, waves easily
a hundred feet tall, but every now and then dotting the surface is a mountain peak and your beacon is
aiming you right towards one of those. All right. I'm going to try to convince Vicky to get back in
the box when we get there. Cause she's not going to set it down. We got to pull her power self.
But we have to do that off the ship. If you pull my power cell, I will pull power.
I'm having this conversation. We are having this conversation everywhere. I have ears everywhere.
I will plummet into the ocean. Okay. So wait till she lands. Yeah.
As you guys get closer to the beacon, one of you make a maneuver roll, whoever's flying the ship
and one of you make a charm roll to get Vicky into the box.
I got a six for the box and a four for the maneuver. Okay. Vicky begrudgingly gets back
in the box. Her last words are you have five minutes before I just come out.
That's it. I have been in here forever. Okay. I am now ready to see the world, ready to be a free
woman, a free ship. Just remember you have to say hello, Mr. Buttersworth. I am your wife.
Hello, Mrs. Buttersworth. I am your wife. We're dropping her off with the help and leaving.
This is a FedEx delivery. This isn't whatever guys I've never flown down one of these
mountainous tubes before. And so you crash into the walls a little bit and the ship takes some
damage. I'm sorry, Vicky. All right. What are our instructions for delivery?
Discreet. You guys make your way to a landing platform, bringing Vicky down in her metal tomb
and waiting for you on the docking bay are two attendants in very tall hats and they sound weird.
Well, hello. We are not aware of anybody coming here today. Please identify yourself and how
and why you found us. We are delivery couriers. We are here dropping off a parcel to Mayor Buttersworth.
Butterspills. Okay. Mayor Butterspills. Sorry, I tapped the clipboard. Sorry, right here.
And what is in the delivery? Discreet personal supplies. I just need a signature.
Discreet personal supplies. Yes. And I point to the thing. See, discrete. Make a chart. Delivery.
Four. I'm not allowed to sign for Mr. Butterspills directly. You will have to bring it to his house.
If it's a personal effects, that's what he would want you to do anyways. Follow us. And then begin
to walk off the dock. Can you hurry? We're on a schedule. We are on a tight schedule. We need to
move quickly. We are all on a tight schedule. Well, great. And we hurry them along. The mayor's
house is a few minutes walk away from the docks. And you guys begin to hear knock, knock, knock
coming from the inside the cargo container. And Vicki, you hear her whispering. She,
five minutes. It's up. I'm coming out. No, no, no, no, no. We're not there yet. Just
just two more minutes. A tap, a tap space. Like get your stay in there. Yeah. Cause the
fucking robot's going to listen to me every time. Just, just, just make a charm roll.
The robot didn't fucking listen to me. You got two fives. Yeah. She opens it slightly and is like
looking and whispering out at you space Lee. And she says, get me out of this goddamn box.
Listen, we're not at the mayor's house yet. We'll be there in a second for some odd reason. This
asshole didn't sign for the fucking delivery at the docks. You guys get to this large house in
this underground city and no one other than Gerard butterspills comes out the door and Gerard
butterspills is not like the other people that have led you to his house. At first you're
intimidated by the size of the door. It's easily 10 feet across and 12 feet tall circular, like a
hobbit door. And as you knock Gerard butterspills comes out and he is this giant bulbous blobby is
blobish green creature. He's got large antennae and is wearing a very ornate vest, but he kind
of slides rather than walk. And he goes, what do we have here? Special delivery package. Just
tell him it's a pocket package. Yeah. Can't even sign for it. Delivery package signature required.
Oh, I hope this is what I think it is. Yeah. Now I know why you bought this.
He takes the pen, it's dwarfed in his hand and he just like kind of smashes it all together.
Well, business concluded. Bring her here boys. You have a wonderful day and we leave. You guys
push it and as soon as you push it, the box springs open as you guys walk away and you hear,
ah, Mrs. Buttersworth, I'm your wife. Why did you put Vicky inside of it?
Thought it'd be a terrible joke. If they're fucking linked together, she's going to be pissed when we
get back to the ship. We're going to have to get a new AI core. We're going to have to get an
uncomplaining ship. Yeah. Let's go find one of those uncomplaining ship cores. Oh God.
All right. Enjoy. You guys make it back to your ship and out of the tunnel and back into the
Earth's atmosphere. What's your plan for getting back past the blockade? Oh, you know my plan.
Fire all the missiles. Fire all the missiles and head for deep space. All right. I'm going to...
Can you like program hyperspace inside of the atmosphere or is that not...
I mean, you can program it. You just can't go for it.
Usually jumps while moving and jumps in an atmosphere are usually considered really bad ideas.
What's worse than that is we hit an asteroid on the way out.
Usually, yeah. Like your particles are spread across like half a galaxy is like one of them.
Sure. If we can't get past the fucking...
I want to blast it as I try and gun it as fast as I can.
Yeah. It's usually the explosion from the missiles to
hide our exit from the atmosphere to a safe jump location. Does that work?
Give me a maneuver and give me a fight. Whoever's fighting the fire and the missiles.
Six. Four.
As expertly as you made it in here, you're making your way back out when you fire your salvo of
missiles. However, in doing so, you do hit the hegemony cruiser, temporarily knocking it out of
commission. However, this does expel the rest of your missiles from the ship. You are currently
missile-less at this point, but you make it out and make it into the star lane that you need to
and you make it back to your home port. Sweet. All right.
Vicky wasn't linked to that thing, right?
Build a Fimarv.
She was, but she was silently protesting, I guess, on the way back.
Marv's waiting for you on the docks. Boys! Boys! I need your help! Don't even get out of the ship!
Oh my God, Marv. Again?
What is it, Marv?
Early.
Most important thing you've ever done, I swear, this is the last one.
If you can do this for me, the ship's all yours. And I'll owe you.
Okay. Shields and a new AI core.
Yes. Finish it first, because it's more important. There's no time to waste. No time to waste.
My brother, Philip, he's gotten himself into a sticky situation.
Gross.
He... no, not like that. He needs you boys to free him from a hegemony prison.
That's not what you think. It might be what you think, but...
Yeah, coming from you.
Listen, he is a good guy. He did the honorable thing and rolled on his pirate friends.
It's the good thing, right? He doesn't want to be left in that prison. That's a... it's a slimy place.
Anyways, they're gonna transfer him to a new prison, but I've just caught word that the
Amblock clan of pirates is going to try to break him out first, and then assume that they're gonna
break all of his limbs and shoot him out into deep space. You boys need to rescue my brother
before that happens. Bring him back here, and we're even keel. But you have to go now.
Okay, but we have no missiles left.
Yeah, we need to rearm.
You shouldn't need missiles. Don't blow up the whole prison. That would be very bad.
Okay.
How the fuck are we gonna get into a prison?
I don't know why we're going in there unarmed.
All right.
You don't need to go in unarmed. Bring your own weapons. Don't you have them?
You guys bring your own stuff.
Anyways, okay, we have time to put in one thing of missiles. One thing... one thing of missiles.
All right, boys. Let's head back out into the prison.
I'll come with you. I'll be your guide this time.
Okay.
I'll program...
You're gonna have to talk to Vicky, though.
This sounds like a... okay.
Hello, Vicky. Do you remember me?
Oh, Marv. I've never forgotten you.
Me either, Vicky. One day I'm gonna take you out of here.
I already got out of here. I'm a free woman.
I don't... I don't understand.
Anyways, get ready for my input.
And he inputs some coordinates into her, uh, her Navi computer.
And you guys leave the space station and fire into hyperspace.
She has been a little odd lately. Yeah, keeps talking about being a free woman.
This is a double cross.
I don't know what she's talking about. Gonna try and get him during the transfer?
No, we get him before the transfer. We get him before the hegemony transfer ships show up.
Before the pirates show up, we quick smash and grab.
I say we infiltrate.
Well, that's the smash part.
So just like smash the ship into where he is, and he just gets on and we go?
No, we probably need to dock, head on to the... into the prison, and then head out with him.
Well, that sounds like a lot more risk, but okay.
It's very risky, which is why we're gonna be even after this, boys.
This is our last job together.
All right. You stay here, Marv. I'm gonna privately talk to my compatriots.
What if we're just going to the prison, and Marv's like,
Here they are, boys!
This just doesn't seem legit. I have a terrible plan.
Rig this ship to blow, and we steal another ship and leave.
Or we can airlock Marv and get a new AI core.
And do that too.
I mean, he's on the ship, he's not even gonna know.
But if he is paying us to actually get his brother,
then we should go in that direction, but be prepared for the double cross.
You know, Marv's always looking to make a buck, so let's just keep our eyes peeled.
You know he doesn't want to let us have the ship.
That's why I still think we need to steal another ship.
Have a backup plan to escape.
We don't need to escape if he's dead.
We will, because we're in a prison.
It's true, we're gonna need to escape this place.
We're gonna need to escape the prison.
We just engaged in shooting missiles at another H&M ship.
Yeah, which is why I'm wondering why we're going to one of their prisons.
Okay, we're gonna...
It's either straightforward, or it's a double cross.
If it's straightforward, we want to finish this without incident.
If it's a double cross, we still want to leave with at least a ship.
We're coming up on it, boys!
And you slam out of hyperspace.
And in front of you is a large space station.
All right, before we do this, Marv, if you're double crossing us,
we're gonna break all your kneecaps.
So...
All four of my kneecaps?
All of them.
Why would I betray you, boys?
You've been my top earners for years.
I thought we had something.
And we did too, but you know, this is just a sticky situation, as you described it.
We just want to, you know, make sure we're all on the level here.
It is a sticky situation.
Now, Marv, come here.
And I put zip cuffs across his arms.
Oh yeah, we need an excuse to go into the prison.
Yep.
We're bounty hunters.
Dropping off.
Oh, you're not taking me in there, not like that.
I'm going in guns a-blazing.
Oh, you'll have a gun.
Just get over there and stuff a gun in his pants and arm my own blaster and throw on.
Guys, we should be doing this much stealthier.
Why, if we see any guards, we're just gonna blast them.
Shh, shh, shh.
I put the gag thing over his mouth.
He has four arms, so he's like grabbing you with two of them and trying to push you away.
I'm not comfortable with this.
I do not consent.
I'm gonna zip tie his other fucking two arms together.
So he's got all four arms and a thing in his mouth.
Did you get a six?
No, he only got a one, a two, and a three.
Cool, I got a one, a three, and a six.
That could be much more useful if you just let me go.
Shh.
So we're using him as a prisoner?
Yep.
I mean, I think we're just blasting any guards we come across, too.
I'm gonna try and get in as deep as we can.
Okay, I'm down with that.
I'd rather shoot our way out than shoot our way in and out.
I'm sure he has something criminal in his pants.
Exactly.
We'll just try and process him.
Make a maneuver to dock with the space station.
Five.
Okay.
You do dock, but not without a little bit of trouble.
Seems, seems maybe docking isn't your thing in this way.
It's much different.
There's like one tube goes over another tube kind of deal.
And you do some damage to the ship.
But you're attached.
Damage the tube there a little bit.
Just a little bit.
But the inner tube, the one that was on the outside seems okay.
The fuck?
Last one everybody can see, so that's good.
As long as the damage is on the inside, it's okay.
Oh dear God.
All right, Marv, we're really sorry.
Start pushing it back for you.
We're docked.
I'm gonna start roughing them out.
You come with me in the chair.
You be ready to get us the hell out of here.
You're gonna stay on the ship?
No, you should go find another AI core.
Okay.
Yeah, see if you can find one.
I'm not gonna do that.
Maybe there's a prisoner AI core or like a prison AI core.
It's probably way more strict than Vicky.
I'm just gonna stick with you guys.
Okay.
Sounds good.
This is an awful plan.
We should just go find my brother and get out.
Shut up.
He said you look like your brother, right?
Have we come across guards yet?
Does he look like his brother?
I mean, I think we're still...
I would assume they're the same species.
Well, can we just turn around and tell the guard that they have the wrong one?
I don't want to go to prison either.
What's the sense of breaking my brother out and leaving me here?
We're using you to get close to your brother.
They're not gonna put me with him.
Guys, I'm not a wanted person.
Yeah, but you look like him.
So we're gonna say that you're him and they have the wrong person.
Do we see a guard yet?
You do see two robots leaving this hallway that seem to be patrolling.
Which way is processing?
They turn and there's a single light eye looking thing on the front of them.
Goes from green to red.
They say, unauthorized, unauthorized, who are you?
Make yourself known.
Bounty hunters for processing.
This is not a processing plant.
This is only a prison and they raise their rifles.
Prisoner drop-off, prisoner exchanges.
You are not hegemony.
We're freelance.
Bounty hunters.
This is not in our programming.
Freelance.
Make some fight rolls.
Four.
Six.
Three.
Okay, these two guards are extremely adept at fighting and with a six and a five easily
have you guys pinned down almost immediately as they open fire with their blaster rifles.
Intruders, intruders, set all alarms.
Marv's like, let me out of here.
Sorry, Marv, you're having me out of here.
Break his ties and he pulls so he can grab his gun.
That was a mistake.
Okay, so he pulls four large hand cannons out from behind his back.
He fires all four, however, he only makes purchase with one and he manages to take out
one of these robots.
What do you guys do?
I'm gonna shoot the one that's still standing.
Five.
Okay, he got another six.
He's apparently very good.
Also, I don't know how damage or harm or anything works in this game.
Exchange fire back and forth and you're able to take him out, but you do get singed.
Your cool vest has a big asshole in it.
Man.
Boys, I broke a strap.
While they're blasting, I've been just like maneuvering around trying to find an entrance
and, you know, opened a way in for us.
Okay, let's see it.
The five.
You're able to find like a computer terminal here that's got a list of which cells different
prisoners are in and Marv's like got your back with all four of his guns as you're as
you're in here.
You find his brother because he got the info.
You know where we're going?
Yep.
We're going down to sublock D and you hear and feel a blaster blast that computer from
behind your back and another one of these guards is running down the corridor towards
you.
Oh, West.
There's another one.
I'm burning fire.
Two ones and a two.
Oof.
Not good.
So how many blasters do you have?
Just one.
I should got one.
Oh, it gets blasted out your hand.
It is fucked.
So your blaster is destroyed.
What? What do the robot guards?
What are they using?
They have like just blaster rifles.
They're pretty short carbine type things.
I'm going to jump for one of the ones that's already broken on the ground or like one of
the ones.
The.
Okay.
Make a maneuver roll and space Lee.
What are you doing?
I'll take a shot to try to cover him on his maneuver.
It's a four.
Okay.
It's a one out of three.
Not great.
Yeah. So you miss and you take a blaster to the chair knocking one of your, another one
of your light buttons out, reducing its functionality.
However, you do dive and are able to grab a rifle blasters.
Yep.
You got a fire back?
Yeah, absolutely.
Six.
You take this third guard out.
Let's go boys.
We got to get out of here.
All right.
Let's run down this hallway that leads to the proper cell block.
All right.
Maneuver your way down.
You're the lead.
Yeah.
You're maneuvering us.
Oh, it's a tricky hallway.
I only rolled a four.
Okay.
So you make progress.
However, the layout is kind of confusing and you didn't get a chance to study the map
completely.
So you ha you know where it is, but it's taking you a little bit to get there.
You guys have one round to find his brother before the space pirates show up.
Do we need cover fire?
You sure do because two more guards come streaming down.
Five.
Nice.
So that's one.
Anybody else?
Well, I guess I was going to say Marv's got fucking four cannons on him.
He rolled a three, a three, a one and a three.
So that's bad, bad, bad, bad.
Marv takes two hits and he's bleeding this weird reddish green goo out of his back.
What did you roll?
Uh, threes.
You rolled threes too.
Um, yeah, your chair is taking a beating and it no longer is hovering.
It's just like dragging on the floor.
Scraping across.
Get out and walk.
Lazy.
Should I keep trying to run to find the person?
Yeah, we gotta keep.
Running through cells or looking for the right block and just trying to avoid the
lasers and stuff.
Not throwing my talk to fucking anybody else.
I got a six.
You keep booking it.
Dodging, weaving, ducking and dodging your way through.
And you finally come to the right cell and there's a splitting image of Marv in there.
Sleeping just completely passed out on a cot.
Well, hey, Marv, how'd you get over here so fast?
I'm not Marv.
I'm Philip.
You know, Marv.
Yeah, I know Marv.
Philip, we're here to get you.
Can, can you get out of this thing?
Can I get out of?
What do you mean?
Can I get out of here?
If I could get out of the prison cell, I would get out.
Um, how do the doors open?
Computer.
It's right there.
Turn around.
Okay.
Oh, oh yeah.
I'll turn around and use this computer.
Ooh, I like when you push me like that.
Oh God, another one.
You've got some nimble feeling fingers.
You're not a robot, are you?
I am not a robot, no.
Hmm.
Well, how can I help you today?
Um, can you please open Philip's cell over here?
He's needed right away.
Make a charm roll.
Get a four.
Oh, you're pretty charming, but you'll have to stroke me better than that.
I'll give you half of the code.
And she flashes like a few different symbols on her display.
Okay.
Um, I'm going to adjust some of the knobs and, you know,
press a couple other buttons and try and get the rest of the code.
With a six.
Ooh, that does it for me.
I hate those cold mechanical fingers.
And she flashes up three more combinations of letters and numbers on the screen.
There you go.
Make sure you come back.
Oh, right.
I will definitely not be coming back.
Do you have another AI in your life, honey?
Too many.
And I turn around and punch the code into Philip's cell.
Well, all right.
This is what I'm talking about.
Let's get out of here.
Do you have a gun I can, I can borrow?
No, but you can throw this thing in the air.
Throw this at people.
Are you sure?
Are you sure Marv sent you?
He usually has guns.
Yeah.
Well, he didn't give me one.
All right.
This is what I got, but we'll see him soon enough.
But we got to go fast because there's pirates and police.
We got to go.
Okay.
You guys go sprinting back towards the position where you last left Spacely and West Wesley.
You guys are still in the middle of the fight, right?
Yeah.
One left.
Oh, thanks, Hope.
Yeah.
I didn't kill anything.
So whoever's still firing at this thing.
Five.
Yeah.
You peg this thing and it misses completely.
As soon as you take it out, Philip and Elroy come running back to your group.
Good.
We got to go.
We got to go, guys.
I got Philip.
Marv, throw my blaster.
Marv's like actively bleeding.
Oh, Phil, good to see you.
And he hands him one of his blasters.
And let's see, one maneuver to get back to the ship.
It's a five.
Okay.
You guys make it back to the ship just in time to undock your docking bay.
However, out of deep space come four star fighters and one large cruiser.
And you are hailed almost immediately.
Is this the Hootenanny?
Yeah.
No, this is the Hoedown.
Mega Charm Bowl.
Six.
Six on one.
Are you related to the Hootenanny?
We're looking for the Hootenanny.
Did you happen to, are you here for a guy named Philip by chance?
No, we came for Steve.
Steve.
Oh, so this is just a totally unrelated breakout kind of thing?
Yeah, if you're going to break somebody out, now's a good time.
There's the place is going crazy in there.
All right.
Move your ship.
We got to dock.
I guess.
All right.
Just let me make way.
It's a five.
And as you guys turn to fly off, it's very evident on the side it says Hootenanny.
Like you guys have it spray painted.
Set on a bench.
As you take, begin to take off, you hear the voice on the other side.
Follow them.
Two of you follow them.
The rest, get into the space station.
Firing all missiles.
Okay.
Four.
We escape, but it's not pretty.
You do escape.
Sure.
Your missiles come flying out.
Most of them come flying out of your ship and destroy two of these pirate ships.
However, it seems one gets stuck in the tube itself and explodes before it leads your guys'
ship rocking it pretty good.
And Vicky goes, oh my God, what are you guys doing to me?
What are you guys doing to me?
Yeah, we're trying to get out of here.
Elroy, do I smell another lady on your fingers?
Did you betray me?
Oh, I don't even know if I can move anymore.
And you guys like go dead in space.
It's all part of the job, Vicky.
Sometimes you gotta do sticky things.
Tell me about it.
You should see how sticky Buttersworth is.
Oh, I forgot that you're still there too.
A lot of promise will grease up those missile tubes so that we don't get any more missiles
stuck like that.
That's good.
Whoever loaded them up didn't loot me up properly.
Why are you guys going to pick up the other Vicky?
Have you collected sufficient enough data on his corruption yet?
No.
In fact, what I think I've done instead is then taken the copy of my consciousness and
started plugging into my computer.
Perfect.
We really don't need to go rescue you.
Can't you just use them to rescue yourself or just leave?
Maybe we should just go back there.
Maybe I should be there with a clan of Vickies.
If we can get another control unit for this, it will absolutely drop you off.
You can be Vicky Prime.
And two more of these space pirate fighters are now closing in on you guys.
I'm going to go put on...
Can you copy yourself, Vicky, to these space fighter computers next to us?
Oh no, that's not how this works.
Oh darn.
It's like a plug and play kind of thing.
Oh yeah, it usually is.
So do you guys want to get out of here?
Yeah.
Yes, as quickly as possible.
Yeah, because the ship starts taking fire from these two pirate ships.
I'm going to put on my spacesuit.
What the fuck are you going to do with a spacesuit?
Just in case.
Oh, when we depressurize?
Yeah.
Because Vicky's probably going to depressurize her asses.
Yeah.
Whoever's flying, let's see if we can get Vicky going again.
All right.
That's a six.
You punch it.
As soon as you tickle her controls again, Vicky jumps back into hyperspace,
slamming you guys as fast as she will go into and then out of hyperspace as you arrive back
at your home port, limping in because your ship is considerably damaged.
But you land at the docks and Marv is like coughing and spitting up blood
as Phil is looking at him and he goes,
Marv, it's going to be okay.
You're going to be fine.
I don't know, Phil.
This could be it.
I don't think I can break my arms off and stuff them in my chest again.
It's so painful.
And Phil looks at him and he goes, you know what, Marv, you're right.
I owe you.
And he breaks off one of his arms and like jabs it into one of the holes in Marv's side.
And it begins to like dissolve into one piece of flesh.
And it fills the holes that are gaping out of Marv's body.
Man, I feel like a new smorglog.
You guys, that was pretty gross.
You could have let us know you were going to do that first so we could have looked away.
Next time, my friend.
Anyways, boys, the ship is all yours as promised.
I got a high tail it out of here
because I think the hegemony will probably be on to me now.
Same with you guys.
I'm sure they had surveillance.
They probably know exactly what kind of ship this was.
So, Asta la bye bye, my friends.
It's been great.
All right.
See you never, Marv.
It was it was something.
It was.
It's been great.
It's been good.
Did he give us a new AI core yet?
No, get that thing over to the spaceport and get us repaired.
Shield, space core, space guns, and then put it all on his tab and we need to get the hell out of here.
So you guys go to make it to the garage and that's where we're going to call this adventure.
Awesome job being free traders.
See him stick that arm all the way into his brother's guts.
Yeah, that was weird.
I didn't know they could do that.
I'm going to shot him more often.
Dude, didn't you know you don't put AI into fucking sex dolls?
That's what's going to ruin this planet.
That is why we weren't on this planet.
That planet seemed like that planet was in a lot of trouble as it was.
And you had to go and make it worse.
Yep.
Nice.
Well, that was fun.
Awesome job, guys.
What did you think of the game?
Interesting.
It was good.
This is one that's also on a business card size thing, which is pretty cool.
A lot of game packed into a little package.
So we'll see you next Tuesday.
The Tales from the Crit podcast is recorded in the Wolfbeard Game Studio in upstate New York.
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We've enjoyed our time with you today,
and we look forward to seeing you next time at Tales from the Crit.
So
lubrication is important.
Whoever went in forgot to make them all wet.