Welcome to the Tales from the Crit podcast. We are an actual play podcast featuring a
revolving cast of players making our way through micro RPGs, highly narrative tabletop games,
and the more popular, and less known, RPG systems from a wide variety of genres. Content
may not be suitable for children, and content warnings can be found in the description.
I'm Riley Groves, and I'll be your host, your guide, your GM on this episode of Tales
from the Crit.
Tonight we will be playing Broken Swords and Twisted Trails, a game of marching bravely
into the dungeon and maybe crawling out, by Brandon Leon Gambetta, and we got this one
out of the Ultimate Micro RPG book available on Amazon. We have myself, Mikey, Stefan, and
Connor at the table with us tonight, and Derek is on the couch, Rebecca is on another couch
somewhere else. She is not here today.
There's lots of couches.
There are lots of couches. So let's get to know each other just a little bit better.
We're going to read the top question off our pod deck interview deck. And Mikey, why don't
you read this one?
What do we got? What technology do you wish existed?
All right, got mine.
The Ready Player One headset and like full VR shit. I wish that was legit. Like, I want
to live not in this world anymore.
The Oasis.
Yeah, I want the Oasis to be real and Ready Player One to be real. I feel like it's already
there, but like Facebook is probably going to be like, yeah, it's going to be there.
Right on.
I'm all about the like the Jetsons food machine is like, I want this boop boop beep beep boop.
That's a good one. Here's whatever you wanted.
That's a good one. I think teleporters would be the most useful. So you wouldn't eat it
would destroy the hotel industry. You could go wherever you wanted during the day and
go back to your own bed at night.
Destroy the travel industry as well.
Well, yeah, it would destroy. We don't need those. It's fine. Hey, industries are all
vegetables meant to be not around forever. So
mine's mine's two. One is one becomes the other because when I was a kid, I watched
the Rocketeer and I just wanted that damn jetpack. And so that evolved into I need an
Iron Man suit.
Yeah, the Iron Man suit.
Yeah, with like the arc reactor and everything. Like that would be the coolest. Like who needs
a car?
What's what's stopping you from making your own?
I'm not that smart.
Fair enough.
Yeah, that would probably doesn't disqualify right there probably.
But the the Rocketeer jetpack would be like a better concession.
I'll help you if you build the Iron Man suit if you need somebody to like shoot the gun
at you. I'm in.
Everybody needs a lightsaber though. Like that's technology that would be the best. But you
would need like limb reattachment gel or something because I'm going to touch it.
You get one of those like plasma arc lighters. Stick your finger in there.
Like the fucking dude in Mandalorian. Like he cut himself pretty good. Yeah, that's what
my body would look like. Tiger stripes.
Yeah, you shouldn't never have a lightsaber.
I don't even think he's allowed to have a BB gun anymore.
I do have a BB gun. I shouldn't have it. I shot I ricocheted I ricocheted the pellet
one time from a pellet gun and shot Connor in the eye.
We had a discussion about this before. We've talked about this many a time.
Yes, gun safety. Someday we'll share that with you folks.
God awfully off track for a tabletop RPG.
Let's rate it back. We're going to cut from the part where someone gets shot in the face.
We're going to nipple some of that away.
Today, you will be playing heroes of a kingdom preparing to battle against the monsters who
threaten your home.
Play consists of a brief character creation segment followed by three encounters in which
your heroes will face challenges to save their home.
Each one of you guys got note cards. You each have six note cards.
We've got notepads. We got notepads.
Yeah, we're not cards. Just make do. Yeah. So give each player six note cards.
I think we make a treasure deck. So I think we do need pieces.
Yeah, I'm just going to keep holding these things up.
Pass me one though. I'm just getting full.
I'll take care of you Riley. I'll fold you up.
I'm the GM. I need no, I need no note cards.
You need no such trivia. I'm note cardless.
If we were still talking about like the technology that should be in place, like the food analyzer
from like Star Trek, that'd be kind of dope.
Oh, the replicator?
Yeah. Like that'd be kind of dope.
I mean, that's more or less what I said. The Jetsons food machine is just like, oh yeah,
just anything you want.
You were just talking about a more advanced microwave.
I was just.
The ultimate.
Like you don't have to put anything in it.
It just has the ingredients right in. That's probably the next step.
One, two, three.
Wherever the microwave industry is going, it's got to be something like that.
Some form of 3D printer and the fucking food.
And on these cards, what do we write? Is it one trait?
Cut back in here. That's for me later because it's been six minutes since we've started
making these note cards.
On the note cards, give each player six note cards.
On five of their note cards, players should write traits, one trait per card.
Does it give an idea of like what traits you have or do you just come up with them yourself?
Handsome.
Angry.
Oh yeah. I guess I guess you just pick the traits yourself.
Yeah. So
Oh, does it like you also give it like a stat with it too?
Or just
No, I'll take care of that later.
On five of their note cards, players should write traits, one trait per card.
So it can be character features, treasures, magics, or abilities.
Invulnerability.
Wolverine claws. Magic Wolverine claws.
Doesn't say good traits, right? Just says traits.
Just says traits. This is going to like be the treasure deck. You don't want to like
be putting like
Oh, I was going to put in like arachnophobia.
It's very claustrophobic.
Yeah. Like welcome to the dungeon dive. I'm claustrophobic. I can't be here.
It's like fantasy world. He's got like a leather bag instead of a paper bag to breathe in.
What's that? This is my emergency sheep cut. I inflate.
It's a water skin.
Traits, magics, treasures even?
Yeah, even treasures and abilities. Abilities, magics, treasures, and other character features.
All five of these get like together.
So keep one trait. Each player keeps one note card and puts the rest into the treasure pile.
So keep one and then make a pile of the other.
And we're only writing on five of them.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because the other one's going to be your name.
Okay. Good. Good. Good.
Mike's writing novels on each of his.
I mean, I did do like one that wasn't helpful. It was just kind of a funny like
Once the treasure pile is created and shuffled, players draw a second trait.
I got one of mine. I got one of mine.
Oh shit.
Do you want to eat?
I got one of mine.
I gotta get the fuck out of here.
Based on their two traits, players should choose a name, write them on the final note card
and fold it into a nameplate that everyone can read.
So now you... I was supposed to write a trait on this one too.
What? I was supposed to write a trait on this one too.
You should have two traits.
You kept one before you put it into the pile.
Oh, okay. I got a one. I got a right one.
Well, you wrote on five. You kept one of them. Put the other four into the pile.
And then you have one blank one that you're going to fold in half and put your name on.
How many did you put into this pile?
Five.
Okay, go through and find another one of yours out of here and keep it.
So like, what does it mean by like...
Oh, you shouldn't just make up a name. Don't worry about being like...
Oh.
I'm a foot fetishist and a drunk.
Like, you don't have to base your name over being a drunk foot fetish or whatever.
Oh, well I did.
Mr. Flask.
That's an H.
Really bad, but Mr. Flask might be better.
I put like things in there. Like, so one of mine is like magic ice dagger.
Is that like... that inappropriate?
No, that's good. It says treasures.
Traits, magics, and abilities.
Stealthy magic ice dagger.
Stealthy McStabby.
We have to make a name tag? That's what the next note card was for?
Affirmative.
Yes. Make a name.
Angry starfish.
Dude, I got angry and regeneration.
So I'm like...
Ooh, regeneration.
Starfish do fucking regenerate. So I was like, yeah, perfect.
Is it like your tribal name or something?
I didn't know what the fuck it...
Oh, here. I could just put Mad Pat.
Yeah, Mad Pat. That's a stone's throw away from...
Patrick Starfish?
Yeah, so I used to have a starfish named Patrick.
I gave him a Viking burial.
Of course you did.
Mr. Flash, Mad Pat, and...
Schiff.
Terk.
I got Schiff.
Why?
Why is that what you have?
Short for shifty.
I don't know. Magic ice dagger.
Stabby. Schiff Stabby. Schiff McStabby.
Stabby McShifter pants.
Schiff McStabby.
How about Fitsy Ice Pickle?
Fitsy Ice Pickle.
I like that.
He's changing it out of Fitsy Ice Pickle. Good job.
Fitsy.
You guys told me I couldn't be Angry Starfish.
But...
I had to change it to Mad Pat.
And then he's like, Fitsy Star Pick... Ice Pickle.
What was it?
Ice Pickle?
Yep.
I'm just calling him Fitsy.
I'm just calling him Ice Pickle.
One of these days we're going to have an actually serious episode.
One day.
Nah.
Let's go around the table.
I'm going to introduce you guys' characters.
Connor, what do you got?
I am Mr. Flash.
With the powers of Charisma and the Fireball.
Okay.
And I'm like a travel around, do little sideshow acts.
With, you know, Flash magic with my Fireball.
And that's how I make my living.
Mr. Flash.
Mr. Flash. I don't move very fast though.
Stefan, I see you have a pretty interesting name.
Yeah.
My character's name is Mad Pat.
He is angry quite a bit.
And is the ability of like a starfish to regenerate a little bit.
So.
Regenerative. Great.
Mikey. AKA.
I am Fitsy Ice Pickle.
Has worked for the family.
And does jobs for them.
And yeah, does what he's got to do.
Whether it's thieving or ice picking.
He's a stealthy guy and he's got a magic ice dagger.
Does he really work for the mafia?
I don't know.
Does he really work for the mafia?
The fantasy thieves.
The fantasy mafia?
The fantasy thieves guild.
Alright. I have gone ahead and created
the monster
that you'll all be fighting.
But we're not going to talk about that. Quite yet.
How do you all know each other?
Are you all people? Are you starfish?
Are you
frozen pickles?
I'm a starfish that wears a scuba suit.
To stay on land?
Yep. Yep. I got the fucking
ball over the head and just...
We met in like a bar.
Bar fight broke out.
You were the performer.
Bar next to the ocean. Had to be next to the ocean.
Yep. Everybody else was fighting.
We were all just like, free drinks?
I mean, been friends ever since.
He cooled down the drinks with his ice dagger.
Yeah.
He was like, oh, these are warm and fucking dipped to the dead.
Yep. Pretty cool.
So we're going to have to figure out how the three of you
were tasked on saving the realm.
It's an unlikely trio
to be facing
such a tremendous task.
A bit more heroic.
Right place at the right time kind of situation.
There was nobody left.
You guys were the last three.
We got drafted.
You got drafted.
Okay. We'll find you guys at the bar.
I assume.
You're still at the bar. It's a good spot to be.
It's a good place.
The last three
of the known adventurers in this
world, the world of Set,
and you're at the local tavern.
Tying one on when suddenly
two local magistrates
come through the door.
Scanning the room, they finally are able to make
eye contact with the three of you.
And after they point, they begin
to head across the room.
Is that fucking starfish?
Just...
...
I'm not gonna do that
the whole time.
It's like this cannon.
As one of your traits can't speak?
No. That would've been good.
Mute.
After crossing the tavern
for the two soldiers,
come up to your table and say,
You three, you need to come with us.
You are needed for a very,
very big task. Big, big important task.
You are requested
by the mayor.
The mayor?
Yes.
Luckily, I just
finished my drink. I guess we can go.
Yeah. I'm gonna pour the remainder
of my drink into the bowl
and just keep walking.
I'm just walking out behind him.
As well.
Your helmet's like 50% water, 50% vodka.
Yeah. I need hydration.
I'm just
pulling my hood up and just shaking my head
and we're going.
It's a short walk to the mayor's house.
You're wondering why he would ask you here
so late at night. Especially you three.
Kind of the
bottom of the barrel as far as adventurers
go. But you haven't seen any
of the normal guys around for quite some time.
So maybe it's your time to shine and make some
money. Entering into
the mayor's house is a pretty humble place for a
old-timey mayor.
Does he have a top hat and like a sash
that says mayor? He has the sash
but his top hat is sitting like on
over on a table. He doesn't
want to be too haughty-taughty
when guests are over at his house.
You come in and he's sitting
around a sash with his pajamas.
His royal pajamas.
Sleeping sash. He got them for the
Your mayor. Like you gotta wear
that. Yeah. All the time.
He got them from the corporate Christmas
party last year. These nice pajamas.
And he says, gentlemen, gentlemen!
It is with great consequence
and fervor that I
needed you to get here tonight.
I like those big words.
I don't understand half of them so I just
get a little bit angry. It sounds
very mayoral.
Yes, it's in the
handbook. I have some grave
news.
There is a threat on our borders
that's gonna wipe me out and he's
trying to become the emperor. We don't know
why.
So why'd you call us here? Where are those two guys who came to get us?
Can't they go? No, no. They're
very little more than butter
churners. I just gave them helmets and
such. You know how expensive
overtime is? This one does look like he's churned
a lot of butter. Churned a tremendous amount of butter.
He just looks
dishamed.
So we knew of the threat on our borders.
His name, he was a wizard. His name
was Zirak. And we thought that
we thought he had been dead.
But it seems that he is continuing
to try to press his claim and
take back the lands from the king
and establish himself as
emperor.
What a bastard. He is a bastard.
We cannot have that. This is an elected
democracy.
Has he been putting the straws in the ocean?
I don't
know
it was him. It was. He's the one that
was like, no masks.
He's also burning all sorts of tires
and melting all the ice, Fitzie.
I am thoroughly
confused.
Well, you
three would be the last adventurers that we have
here in town. Yeah, we're more of a
more like bouncers
not really adventurers, but we're gonna do it.
Oh good, that's great news.
We can't. We've
failed at that so far.
It's gonna say adventure's a little loose for us.
Nice to be
complimented for once though.
What do we gotta do?
Oh, you have to kill
We have to kill him.
We have to kill the wizard. I would assume so.
I would assume that's the easiest way
is to kill him.
Let me just look in the handbook on how to deal
with threats quickly.
There's a handbook for this?
It's a handbook for everything by the way.
Wait, are you just telling me that the mayor
just gets put into this position and he
doesn't have to do anything? They give him a book
that all he has to do is be able to read?
You just have to look it up in the index. It's a big book.
There's a lot of stuff.
You look over and he is holding a very
colorful manual that says
how to be a mayor.
For idiots.
Are there pictures in that?
It's all pictures.
I could have been the mayor.
Oh, anyone could do this job.
Anybody should be mayor.
Look at the spiffy PJs you get.
Those are nice. Thank you.
And the sash. And the sash.
It says mayor, it's embroidered.
You can't ever take it off.
They stitch it to your skin.
Rough.
But how does it get over top of your clothes?
All my clothes have holes in them.
They're stitched around the sash.
It's got Velcro on the ends of it.
That's a disturbing image.
Try not to think about it too hard.
I would prefer that you didn't.
Yes, I would say we killed the wizard.
By we I mean you killed the wizard.
Or if you could scare him off, maybe.
We've tried that before.
That's failed numerous times.
This guy's pretty scary. Maybe he can do it.
Mad Pat?
Mad Pat.
That's why you're one of the men for the job, Mad Pat.
I'm gonna take that gurgle as a
rage gurgle.
It was a rage gurgle.
Bubbles foam up over top of the bowl.
I still don't know where his eyes are.
That is weird.
Do you have eyes?
We just drew some on the bowl.
We put googly eyes on the outside of the bowl.
Just so they have something to make eye contact with.
He does have a medicine glare.
He'd just see me take out, like,
grab a marker off the mayor's desk and just
scribble on an angry face over the bowl.
He's like,
I'm gonna go get some of that.
Some of the bubbles.
So googly eyes, angry face.
There you go.
Oh, that was my marker.
Bye now.
Gurgle gurgle.
Did I speak his language?
Mad Pat.
Don't look him right in the bowl.
Well then, gentlemen,
if you don't mind getting out
of my house,
I can answer a few more questions.
Go ahead and ask if you have them.
Got, like, any weapons for us?
So we're just heading out there?
Yeah, we got, it's good.
I mean, usually the way it works is
you guys bring your own weapons.
Maybe if you have to get some along the way,
like, bring a receipt, and we could,
you know, maybe discuss a
reimbursement. That's if the job
gets done.
Okay, we got this. We'll be fine.
Just keep the receipts, guys.
What pocket
am I gonna put it in?
In your ears.
I'm just, like, stuck.
Like, one of the suckers. Like, just needs to be right there.
Is that it? You guys are just like,
alright, I'm gonna leave.
And then you walk out.
Where do I go?
Where should we
start looking for Zarak? Up to the north, you said?
You said the border, but...
We just go to the border. Yeah.
Off to the big border. Off to the border.
Off to the border.
Off to the border, mates. And pick
a border. We're on a peninsula, so
there's only one land border. Yes, yes.
Yes, that's correct.
I thought you all knew that.
Zarak's tower can only be
seen at dawn's
first light.
We ride.
You guys got horses.
We're just gonna take some ears.
That sounds fair.
I could part with some horses.
Yes, that's what I'll do. I'll help you by giving you horses.
It's in this Easy Mayor's
Handbook here.
It says right here, 1-800.
That's the mayor's handbook.
Horse for you.
It's actually a bit old school,
like yellow pages.
This is the mayor's handbook.
He's gonna call us a cab.
And I'll give you a map. Yes.
Alright. Mayor Trogman
hereby decrees that the three of you
Mad Pat, Mr Flash,
and Fitsy Ice Pickle
are on an official quest
from here, the town of
Midhold in the world of Set, and
you will depart here with three horses
on the mission to kill the
mad wizard Zarak.
Agreed? Agreed.
Huzzah.
Agreed.
That's what I thought you said.
And he gives you a map, and the map
has a regular compass that points to the north.
And, you know, it shows you
kind of what peak of which mountain
you need to be on in order to
look out. Find the tower.
Find the tower on a dawn's
first light. So if we leave
at night and we get there for dawn,
we should be able to find it. If we can
get there in the morning. That's right.
Alright. Now, uh,
have you ever seen a starfish on a horse?
I mean, I'm just
gonna point to the ass end of it and be like
right there, bud.
Starfish on a horse.
Puckering butthole.
Could you cartwheel all the way there?
That's what I was envisioning.
Just take the bowl, like, well, just
hold the bowl. Like, it's like
holding your head, and your body's
just like shit whipping behind us.
Because you're an asshole.
And it's just like
we're talking to you like
you're right here at the right way.
What do you think, man, bro?
I don't know.
Outside, the mayor
has three horses waiting for you guys.
Two regular sized and one's kind of like a
fat pony.
I take the fat pony.
I'll take the brown one.
Which way do you face?
What do you mean?
Like, are you just laying flat on top of the horse?
Are you like...
Starfish's arms also don't go this way.
They only go this way.
They don't go this way, like out in front.
They only go this way.
You just ruined this whole game
by being a giant starfish thing.
So can you use your arms?
How do you hold the horse?
He's a hominist, Starfish.
So like
they're all sitting up and instead
I just flop on and crap on
to it like
a rock.
Get the saddle off of there.
I don't need the saddle, I'm just like
Okay.
The three of you. Two saddled,
one clinging, right out
of town.
Off to save the city, boys.
You guys are gonna have to lead me.
The horse is
just like one fucking...
Oh my gosh.
So we gotta go out through the forest to find the mountain top
to where we can see the tower.
Just head out.
If we look at the map that the mayor gave us.
Here's the map, here's the town.
Very conveniently located.
And there's like mountain ranges up here.
And it's got like an X
on a far away mountain top.
Not like super far away.
You probably do it in a day.
Alright.
Travel to the mountain.
You guys are following
the mayor's road here as
it leads up into the mountain.
He has a very big conservation
leaf focused kind of
mayor. So he's been putting in a lot of
trails and stuff. So the roads are actually
pretty nice. You know, nice and
navigatable.
Navigatable.
Easily to navigate. They're good
roads. They're good roads.
They're not bad. And they lead through the
forest. And so as you guys
you depart here at night.
Are you riding through the forest at night?
Or are you waiting until morning?
When did you head out? We're heading out at night.
Trying to time it right to get there at the dawns
for tonight. Yeah. Get there
for dawns first. Otherwise we've got to camp there.
Maybe we get there and camp.
We're not tired. We could do that.
Okay. So you guys
are making your way safer to travel during the day too.
Yeah, but didn't
the mayor seem like it was like really important?
The way we go. I mean
he didn't say it had to be tomorrow morning.
He did just say. Oh, it
only appears in the morning. It only appears
in the morning. So if you miss it, you know, you got
the next day. You can, you know.
Granted he doesn't like destroy
the whole world on that day.
Maybe he'll find us first.
He could. But we
should head out. Okay.
Either way you guys head out at night. We're off to
see the wizard. Right. And
your first journey through is through
a very dark wooded
path that the mayor has set out
up to the mountains.
How is everybody with their being
out at night skills? I got a
fireball for light. Just like
psh psh psh.
Yeah, I'm pretty good. I'm fine.
And my other skill is charisma.
Doesn't really change. It doesn't change at
night. Nope.
I guess I, I don't know.
I might get a little grumpy
the later it gets because I'm tired.
But
I mean I really don't see very well
so you guys just put googly eyes
on the pole. Yeah, we're
holding onto your head so you can see as good as we
can. Yeah. Yeah.
I'm fine. Do you guys have health in this
game? I haven't been instructed
to make any health or anything like that as far as
I remember. The DM's job is to
describe situations and threats, make challenges
feel dangerous, and ask a lot of questions.
The hero's job is to drive forward, tell
stories, and win or die gracefully.
The DM begins by describing
what the first dangerous
stop on the journey is like. Be sure to
describe how things look, sound, and
smell, as well as any feelings the
heroes get. The challenge rating of the dungeon
is the amount of successes
the players will need to
roll combined in order to defeat
and escape the dungeon. Challenge rating is
determined by the number of players and which of
the three dungeons are in.
Okay, so you guys... I'm gonna kill these dungeons.
For your first dungeon
you're gonna need... Bandit encounter.
Four.
Dungeon two.
Five. And dungeon three.
Do we have any weapons?
Or are we just gonna wing it
like... We're armed. We're...
You have a dagger, he has a fireball.
I'm just... I can
grapple. You're... yep.
You're a brawler. Yeah, I'm a brawl.
You are the weapon. I am the weapon.
Actually, that kinda makes sense.
I mean, you're a giant starfish person,
you're not gonna just poke that.
Like a... with like a sword.
Or like a spear. Like...
That's gonna get ya.
Okay, so for the first dungeon here
you guys will need to roll
four successes.
The DM will tell players about a
threatening situation in this location
that the heroes will have to deal with in order to pass.
Heroes take turns clockwise
from the DM describing how they
deal with the threat and whether they are
acting heroically, like a
brave hero, or acting desperately,
just trying to scrape by alive.
By default, your traits
are unscarved, representing gear
or abilities working well
or in good repair. When these traits
become scarred, the player flips the card
and writes a damaged, corrupted,
or desperate version on the other side.
The DM determines if
they act heroically, then you roll
2d6 plus your unscarred
traits. If they're acting desperately,
you roll 2d6 plus your scarred
traits. On a 10 plus for either
roll, they succeed decisively.
Describe their success
and the DM lowers the challenge rating by
1. On a 7 to 9,
you succeed at a cost and
describe your success, but the DM will
complicate it. The challenge rating lowers by
1, but if they acted
heroically, they scar a trait. If you
acted desperately, they take an
injury and draw a skull
on their nameplate. Oh shit.
On a
6 or less, the threat
pushes forward on them.
The DM will scar a trait or give them
an injury. DM's choice.
And the challenge rating does not drop.
No hero can roll twice in a row, and all heroes
must act before a hero can act again.
If the current threat is dealt with
before the challenge rating hits
0, the DM may describe additional
threats within the same location. What the fuck
does that mean? If you get through it too easy,
you can make it harder again.
When the challenge hits 0,
the last hero to roll
describes how the party escapes the dungeon and
all players draw a treasure.
Between dungeons, the players travel
and each one says what wonders
they see on the road, then they enter
the dungeon again.
I'm gonna structure this just a tiny bit
differently, but that's the basic of it.
So, you guys are riding through the forest
on this well-manicured
path, and up
ahead, you see the light of
a small campfire.
You continue on riding to approach it
because, hey, campfires are pretty nice.
And as you get there, you see
a couple. A young man and a young
girl sitting by this fire
chatting closely. Hello!
Do you mind if we join you?
You just see me coming up
behind the, like, getting
an old mad pat
off the horse and just
bowling.
Oh my god! The girl
shouts, what is that?
We haven't seen one of those before!
This is mad pat.
And the boy goes, why is he called
mad pat? And I put the bowl on his
head, and he's got like the scribbly
angry marks in the googly eyes.
Oh my god!
I take the marker back out and I draw angry
eyebrows over the top of the googly
eyes and just lean in closer.
Oh my god!
Are you guys gonna hurt us? No!
No, we just wanted to
sit by you and share the warmth of your fire.
Oh, well then, in that case,
yeah, yeah! And the boy
gestures you over to
around this campfire off the road here.
Thank you, it's been a long journey this night.
We could really use a rest.
That's what we were doing. Where are you guys headed?
North. North?
That's very descriptive, like to a
town? Going to the
mountaintops. Mountains.
Oh, are you guys hikers?
We're on a hike, yes.
Wow, that's so cool.
We're actually
going to try and
brave the wilderness and make it
all the way to the mountaintops so
we can save the village.
We're adventurers now.
We started off as promoters.
Oh, that's so cool.
So you guys probably have a lot
of supplies then.
We don't have many, we're just
trying, our parents died.
Oh, that's a bummer.
Do you have anything you could share with us?
No, our parents are all dead too.
We don't
have much either. It's rough
around here. We've got some provision.
I mean, we can share our
meal with them. Like we got
whatever we got from town.
I'm sure we bought some stuff.
I could pour out some saltwater alcohol.
Yeah, some vodka saltwater.
Vodka saltwater.
Don't drink that.
I'm good. We're both very young for that.
Fitz, you got a pickle in my want?
Yeah, here. Here's a frozen
pickle. Couple of frozen pickles.
Oh, a local
delicacy, I bet. Yeah.
Alright. It's a strange
one. It really is.
You guys want to
spend the night?
No, we should really press on.
Oh, did you even make the food yet?
Oh yeah, you gave us the frozen
pickles. They're already, alright.
Yeah, good. Good. Well, before you
go, and
the boy whistles, and suddenly from
around you.
A gong.
A gong, and you are in ancient
China. No. Four
bandits surround the campfire.
Hey, good job,
Robbie. Good job
luring them in here. Alright,
you guys, drop your
stuff. Hoodwinked, how dare
you. We said we have no stuff to drop.
Yeah, I just have frozen pickles
that were poisoned.
No,
not really. We were on a quest
to save the realm. Yeah, we're here to
save you. How can you, bandits, try and
You marauders. Save the realm from
what? From an evil fucking
wizard.
I thought the wizard was dead.
Well, that's what everybody thought, but he's not.
He's risen again, and he's terrorizing
the borders. Listen, I don't care about
that. Give me your stuff or I'm gonna stab you.
Oh, I'm gonna
stab me, eh?
I'm gonna grab the girl with
the suction cup hand over
her face and just
and curl her in front of me.
So now we just go take him down
with them? No, yeah, I'm gonna
stand for this. You're not gonna
We're gonna take ya
snowy pickles. It's
fitzy ice pickle.
And I run and I
I'm gonna attack him.
Okay. Which one are you gonna attack the
one that's talking? So there are two with
bows and there are two with
short swords drawn here. The one that's
talking has a sword and is standing just
outside of kind of where you guys are.
We should really leave, but we should
probably clean these roads up. The mayor
spends a lot of time and money on these.
Oh yeah, he tries to maintain it. These are good roads
and we're not gonna have bandits
on our roads. I saw them
littering. Yeah, no, you're going down.
Alright, so if you were attacking
that'll be acting heroically.
So you're gonna roll 2d6 plus your
unscarred traits which are being stealthy
and your magical ice dagger.
A six and a four.
Ten. On a ten plus
you succeed decisively.
Describe your success. So you've
attacked this guy. How do you
attack him? I run in and with
my magic ice dagger I
kind of pull it out and it's just like
frosty blue
steel blade. And I
run up and it's one of the guys with the short swords
and I'll fucking just run in
and rush him quick and take him by
surprise, clash the dagger to
the blade of his sword and it just
bursts like frozen
and just shatters like liquid nitrous.
And it like kind of goes in
and it's like right at his face.
I don't know if I should, should I kill him?
I should kill him, right?
I should probably kill these guys.
Should we get him to run? You don't want to know what I'm
gonna do. I mean you're attacking him.
Yeah, no, I'm gonna run right through him with
the ice blade then. I just stab him real
good with it and he just bursts into snowflakes.
Pink snowflakes.
Erased from history.
Okay.
Whoa, I didn't know this could do that.
There are three bandits left
and the little girl's
she's giggling with your
suction cups on her face. Oh yeah.
So what do you do? What does
Mad Pat? I'm going to
keep the girl like
tied up and rush
uh, rush toward
one of the ones with the bow and arrow
not worried about getting shot at
because I have a human shield.
And you can regenerate.
It regenerates a weird one.
Okay. Yeah.
Nine. Nine plus your
unscarred traits so it's actually
an eleven. So it hits?
It's a hit. You're successful in what you're
trying to do. So with the guy
seeing his friend probably burst into
everything and
me rushing him with an arrow
he lets the arrow loose
it tags the girl in like the
side and I just take
her body and smoke him
to the left. You hear the
little boy? Marissa! Oh my god!
I thought
you were the good guys.
The gurgle is the sound of my enemies blood.
It's like the steam's coming off of the bowl.
Looks like crazy hair. So they took out the
archer and the short sword on one side.
Yeah. So there's two left.
I face the other two
and I tell them now is your
chance to leave as I launch a huge
fireball right at both of them.
Ten. Ten plus two.
Yeah you guys make light work
of these bandits over the
campfire. They don't even see the
ball of fire coming until it comes
through the tops of the campfire and
it explodes between the both of them.
Just completely
incinerating them and so
to set the scene you guys smell
a lot of smoke and burning
and yeah you know meat
and hair. It's disgusting.
The heat from the campfire like unfroze
all the shit that I
like wet as hell everywhere.
There are no more frozen pickles.
They're like lukewarm
cooked pickles. Boiled pickles.
And the little boy is just sitting there
shaking you know crying
as now the forest is on
fire a bit too and he
continues to cry because he thinks his sister is
dead because she was just used as a
mace to kill a man.
Yep. After taking an arrow
to the femoral.
She's not dead I'm gonna be buried some time.
And the boy just cries
next to the campfire. Let that
be a lesson to you young man.
Maybe we should. This is like one of those dark
German fairy tales.
It's like the boy was bad
and everybody is dead and now the boy
has to live with that on his conscience.
Yeah. Maybe
we should stop here. The mayor shows
up. You guys were not the right ones for the chat.
You failed
the first test. We acted
heroically remember.
I was supposed to save the kids from the bandits.
I think mine was too
on her. The kids were in on it. Oh they were
children? They were prisoners.
I thought they were in on it
just like the book of Elysee and
the girl was like help me. It's like
you were trying to trap me.
I murdered all of you. Okay. So
the threat is dealt with in this little
clearing. Describe the aftermath
as soon as this fireball hits and the
boy is crying. Where do you guys go from here?
Well luckily it started raining
so the forest is going to be fine. Perfect
timing. And nobody will see the
boys. It won't look like he's crying.
He'll feel better. He'll feel better. Do we
let him leave? I mean we
got nothing against him. Yeah. He learned
a valuable lesson today. He learned a
very valuable lesson.
And back on the
yellow brick road? Yeah I mean I guess
after we you know lit these guys all
up and you go see if they got any
treasures on them. Yeah everybody draw one
treasure. Dodge. Okay.
Great axe. Do we flip over our other
attributes now? They're scarred?
No they're not scarred. They're not scarred unless you
miss a roll which you guys did. That's awesome.
I got another one of my own. Clever.
What did everybody get? I got a great
axe. I got dodge.
So I've learned with throwing her
body that next time I could just move
to the left. Whoa.
Like wow I can move. He's got some
maneuvers. Rather than use shields
I guess that works. And I
have become more clever.
Well I think after such a impromptu
battle I'm not tired at all. I think we should just press
onto the mountaintop guys. I mean yeah
I'm good to ride. Full of vigor.
Continue on into the charred forest.
Nothing like laying waste to
really you know get the blood going. Make it feel good.
So
when you guys go to walk away
I'm just gonna smack the
kid across the
face so that there's a suction cup mark
on him and just leave.
Yep.
Alright. We're off to see
the wizard. Yeah so you guys
continue on through the forest and it's
not too long before you
come out of the other end of the forest and
into the bottom of this
mountain range. And the trail
stops here. Although you have the map
so you can continue going where you need to. But the
roads don't continue on up through the mountain.
Mare has not gotten to the
high peaks region yet.
I've just got the bowl
with the googly eyes.
It looks like
we're not in Kansas anymore
Mad Pat. We got some outcroppings
over here. I think we can maybe try and
scurry up this little cliff face and get to
the next plateau there if you give me
a lift. Well we should boost Pat first I guess.
He's that. Why? He's the
heavy. What are you talking about?
I can just go like
thwack and then flip my body over
and go thwack up again and then flip over
again and thwack up again.
Oh yeah look at that he didn't need
a boost at all. Cool.
Starfish don't have suction cups
on both sides.
I don't know that. He does.
His arms they spin
around. He's like a space
starfish. He's
bringing all of them up into a ball
and then just rolling up.
I did not know that.
Yeah yeah yeah yeah. I'd like
invert backwards.
I use the fish bowl as like a walkie talkie.
What do you see up there?
You get no response.
Does that work like that?
Alright Fitzie I'll heave you
up and then you can you know pull me up. Yep.
Alright here we go. Heave ho.
Jump jump. And I'm climbing and I reach down
and grab old
Mr. Flash. You feel the suction cups
smack your back. You lift you up.
Got me. Alright hoist us up.
Hoist us up. You guys
get to the top of this small
mountain here and you can see
on the map it's very clear
which mountain is which. It's got kind of a
big cut out into it.
This is a giant chiseled out X in the mountain.
It's very evident
which mountain you have to get to.
Oh my god it looks just like the map.
That's gotta be the mountain there
with the X on it right guys?
Let's check it out. Let's stand around there and see
what we see in the cold gray light of dawn.
Yeah it's the first morning comes
and you guys aren't on the mountain that you need to be.
Yeah. Damn. We didn't make it.
No. No it turns out
that you know like eight hours is not
enough to get there.
So you're gonna have to probably, it'll probably take you another
day. The mountain's a little far off
there that you gotta get to. However it is
very evident here in the light of the morning
that you're gonna be kind of traversing
through the mountains all day
to reach that. And as you do
as you calm down the first peak
you start to hear the
unmistakable far off howls
of some dire wolves.
What a place to be with
some wolves guys.
You hungry Pat?
I can eat.
I haven't had breakfast yet.
You wanna set up a couple
of traps before we camp out?
I need a Snickers. I don't have any traps.
Well
I'm stealthy and clever so I'm gonna
rig up a couple of snares or something.
Anything I can do to give us a little advantage
before we
retire. Before those wolves come in.
Alright, yeah you set some traps up.
That'll hopefully do. I mean dire wolves
are pretty enormous. This is barely gonna slow them down.
Yeah they're very big and
from the number of howls
that you can hear there is a good number.
It's not like two or three. Sounds like
an entire pack
of dire wolves off in the distance.
You can't see them. They're still a ways
off but you know that dire wolves have
just the most amazing senses
of smells.
Sense of smells. Sense of smell?
There's no S on this. Sense of smell.
And uh...
They've got senses of smells. They've got several noses.
These are unlike
any dire wolf you've ever seen.
They have four noses.
They have four noses. Oh god.
Every once in a while you hear the pack howl
again which is getting closer to you
so you can discern that
they're coming to eat you guys.
Maybe, maybe you know they're
attracted by the scent of the forest
and the-
Maybe they're attracted to the scent of
marine life. Marine life?
On land. A delicacy
they're not used to. Oh god.
Gonna have to fight some wolves. Yeah. I guess
it's, you know, we better fortify in this
closed ravine here that we happen to be going through
and maybe we won't get surrounded by the wolves.
Yeah. Exactly.
Brrrrrrr.
So you guys are gonna wait
here for the wolves? Yeah.
Do we wanna run? Like, you know,
I don't know what's ahead of us.
Well we gotta wait here to see where the tower is
before we can go. We didn't make it to the
spot to see for the tower yet.
Oh. No, we still gotta like
traverse to get there.
How would we go about this heroically?
We can't run away heroically.
I think we're gonna have to face the wolves.
Create a trap for them. If we're in a
ravine, could we engineer like
a rock slide to take a bunch of them out?
Do you see some rocks that can slide? I don't know.
DM? There are rocks.
Would it be?
I'm just gonna lay down and start something.
Oh wait.
I think that's a good idea. We can hang out here in the ravine.
I can blast those rocks up there
and it'll make some come down.
They only have a small choke point.
We're going this way so we don't have to try and
rock out. We don't have to go back
to mid hold a different way. Or we can
climb over whatever he knocks down.
Perfect. And we'll catch whatever
stragglers don't get taken out in the
initial barrage.
So that's what we're gonna do.
So you guys hunker down here. It takes a while
for these wolves to come.
It's pretty evident that there's a large
number of them. And as
you have originally set out some traps
are they closer or further away from this
rock slide situation that you're...
They're further out. They're further out.
So as you hear
from a distance the
tromping of a pack of wolves
you hear several
as a couple of wolves get taken out of the
pack due to your traps.
Yeah. However, you can
continue to hear the footsteps as
they grow ever closer. They're
growing so close you can hear
their barking and their snarling as they
are getting fucking nearer.
I have an idea.
I'm gonna tap you on the shoulder
and be like, I have an idea. And I'm gonna
grab your arms and slap
you to my back so that
you're stuck there. But you're
not seen.
So you're like hiding behind me.
But they wouldn't see you.
So when they come over they're only gonna see the two of us
and you can... They're wolves.
They have
great senses of smells.
Never said I was the brightest bulb.
I'm like...
It's like ripping
yourself off of one of those velcro walls.
Like, put me down.
No, we'll just hunker down. We'll hide.
I'm stealthy.
I can hide anywhere.
I was gonna help you be more stealthy. You can hide behind me.
Okay. What are you
guys? Like, the wolves are coming.
You talked about a rockslide.
We'll wait until they get
in. Yeah, I mean, if they're coming, they're here.
I'm gonna go. I'm gonna use my fireball to
create the rockslide. Okay.
Here we go. So the wolves are coming through the
canyon and as I see them I'm like, alright, they hit your traps.
I'm gonna launch the rockslide
now and I aim my fireball up at the rocks.
One.
And get a
twelve. Twelve plus three.
So a fifteen. Yeah, you create this
rockslide. The wolves start to break
through into the clearing that you guys are at
and the rocks come down. And what
used to be like a pack of twenty,
which was more like seventeen
when they came out of the woods due to traps,
several of them get wiped away
by this rockslide and now
you're looking at closer to around
ten or eleven wolves.
Ready to go down there and rip them up?
Yeah, yeah.
Just let out my blood
curdling.
Just climb up over the
rockslide and
jump down ready to grab one
and try to snap it with
my hands. A tentacle thing.
Seven. Seven
plus three. Damn it. On a ten.
Yeah, you succeed.
Just like getting on the horse
but you just. Yeah.
Just like the way I
grabbed the horse except for I grabbed the
I grabbed one of the dire wolves and just
squeezed until it pops.
You are a horrifying
creature.
I don't like this
monster. We're friends with a
monster.
We're chipping away at them. What are you going to do
Fitzy?
I'm going to make a future note. Never
allow starfish people
to come out. It's like the most OP thing
in any fantasy game now.
It's like rabbit poker. Cool.
You thought
Minotaurs were alright?
Starfish, man.
Man Starfish? Man Star.
Man Star.
Patrick.
Mad Pat.
So yeah, I'm going to run out and
whatever one just didn't get exploded
right next to me.
I'm going to go in with my
I'm going to cleverly go at it
with one with my magic ice tagger
and see what I can do.
I got ten. Yeah.
On a tent you can successfully
turn this one to a snow pile.
Snowflakes. They just ash
into a nothingness. Yep.
There's about six
wolves left. Just looking
at the devastation around them.
They've kind of gotten close enough to
you guys now where you're a bit
surrounded. However, they're a little
wary because they've seen their compatriots
get destroyed by boulders
splatted by Starfish
and squeezed
to goo. And turned
to a snowball.
Back to Mr. Flash.
Alright. Now that the wolves are closing in
Mr. Flash pulls out his great axe
and runs up for the wolves
and gets a nine plus
There's like no way for you guys
to lose at this point. Are we only
supposed to use the traits that are like
No, it's literally all your traits
plus. Yeah. So I mean I come
up and I just slice one's
head right off. As its
body just limply falls on the head and
goes and hits the one next to it. As you do
this it just so happens to be the
largest of all of them.
You have killed the alpha wolf of
this group and the remaining five
starts to whimper and then they
realize they messed up as they back
away and then reform in a group and
take off back into the mountains.
And you guys have successfully killed a bunch of wolves.
I take my great axe and I just
skin the freaking alpha.
It's my new coat. While doing that you find
items inside their stomachs.
And to everybody
draw a treasure. I was gonna take the
alpha's head and replace
my fishbowl.
Strength. Strength.
Plus one magic hat.
Are you gonna get different hats for every hand?
I go over to the alpha's
head that you just cut off.
And I just suck a cup onto the top of it
and peel the skin off and then
put it over the bowl.
Excellent. I'm wearing
the body you've got.
I have an ancient greatsword.
Everybody got
some good stuff there. So you'll now take a
plus four to your roles.
Acting heroic roles.
To our carnage.
To our carnage roles.
Okay. So you
guys now have successfully
navigated your way
through the first dungeon. I feel heroic.
We've taken on outlaws and bandits
and now outlaws and wolves.
Wild animals that are bad
for, you know, now all the
deer in game can thrive.
We're making the world a better place.
Yeah, speaking of, so we, you know,
continue on our path down the valley
through, you know, we see a lot
of different game animals now.
Like, oh hey, look, you know, there's some billy goats.
There's some mountain goats just stuck on the walls
of the canyon that we're in.
They're laughing in our praise.
Thank you for killing all of the dire wolves.
I think they would
be more afraid. They'd probably be
afraid of us because you're dressed like a
wolf too. You have the
head on. You've got, yeah,
there's just blood.
Yeah, so like, the
googly eyes have been like masked
over by the jaw.
It's not a good hat.
But it works. It's magical.
It's just like
tied over.
What do you think the magic hat does?
Magic.
It makes all the snow creatures that you kill
get up and dance around.
You can, like, you can howl.
Like, instead of gurgling, you're like,
Arrrrr. Yeah.
It gives me a different voice tone.
Right, you can now speak wolf.
Yep, I can speak wolf. Perfect.
Starfish and wolf.
If I kill a human,
I might be able to talk to you guys a little better.
We can hear you fine.
We don't want to
hear what you actually have to say.
Yeah, how horrified
are you guys of your companion?
Did you know him this well
before you left? I did not know he
could just hug a dire wolf until
it popped. This is all
a new and exciting thing.
Never had to do that at the bar.
I mean, it's just, it's Patrick
Star when he gets mad.
I'm dirty Dan.
No, I'm dirty Dan.
Okay.
Off to see the wizard.
Do you guys continue the path then?
Yes, continue on.
Pobling over different crags and
Yeah, the mountains are an impressive
sight up here. You know, some of them
off in the distance are so tall you can
see snow on them. Even though it's
July, or whatever July
would be in this place, the sun peeks
over and it's kind of beating down. You guys
are getting pretty high up there
on these mountains as you climb up and down.
And it isn't, you know, more than
half a day, eight hours worth
of hiking that you guys begin to
climb the final ascent at dusk.
So we'd have to spend the night and wait
for that. That's right. So you guys
traverse up the last peak, you get
to the flat part that you saw
that cut out the mountain here
and you climb up and it's nice
and flat. The wind's not blowing too hard
but you can smell nice fresh air
up here. It's quite quiet
overall. There's not too much disturbing
you guys. So as we walk
up, I'm going to ask you guys if you've ever heard
of eel stomping day.
Do tell.
So every spring
the eels, they come out and they're
quite bad for the seaweed.
So what all the people have
to do is they put on their eel stomping
boots and walk out and you
have to stomp eels and the more eels you stomp
the better the harvest usually is
and it also attracts sharks
every now and again and it's
a very interesting day.
There's a lot of drinking and screaming
and just people are having so much
fun. There are more
of you? Yeah, quite a bit.
We'll have to go sometime. That sounds amazing.
I mean if you can't fucking hate eels.
If you can't breathe underwater
you'd probably be deadly for you.
When you say you put on your eel stomping
boots, do you then put one
on every one of your limbs and
just like roll around like that?
Or do you put
two boots on and like stomp around?
How does it work?
I do it like with my fingers like
is it like that or is it like
bladadadada
Oh my god.
Every time you describe this thing
it gets more and more horrifying.
Amorphically terrifying.
It's like a spider
crawling on the ocean floor
with like these boots that are made
from like anemones. They weren't made
for walking. They're like anemones
stuck to coral that are
like stuck to the tips.
It really just, it's fucked.
It's a great time. You guys should
really come one of these days. My word.
You know I was interested at first
but now I think you've painted a very
vivid picture and I'm good.
Oh, you're lost.
Okay, do you guys make camp here for the night?
I think we ought to. We gotta be here in the morning, right?
It's nice and flat. No wind.
Perfect place to set up the tent.
I'll set it up. I'm very strong.
So you set up the tent
and make a campfire and you know
after a long day of hiking you guys fall
asleep pretty early. Yeah, we'll have a little
bit of our little biscuits and
jerky and sprinkle some flakes on the
top of your bowl. You got some hard tack?
Yup. Alright. Travelers' biscuits.
Well, a few
hours into your evening of
rest you begin to hear a slight
creaking, although there are no perception
checks. So you hear like a
grinding squeaking sound
coming from the vertical
part of this mountain behind
you and suddenly
you hear a chong
creak and
before you have time to react there are
several automatons?
Atomatons coming from a
hole in this wall and they
scurry out and just ambush your tent
and drag you from the precipice
into this cave and the doors
slam behind you and after
a few minutes of getting carried
deeper and deeper into this mountain
you are deposited into
a dimly lit circle
on a stone floor and all
around you you can hear the metallic
creaking and grinding and
sounds of metallic feet
moving across rock. Clickety
clank. Yes, clickety clank.
Guys, this doesn't sound good.
Why wasn't someone keeping watch?
Poor planning.
They were on us so fast.
You didn't even squeeze any. Nope.
Didn't even have time to gurgle.
We're probably going to be acting at desperation
to get out of this.
So you only ever actually act in desperation?
If your weapons are scarred.
No, I guess you would be acting desperately.
We're not being heroic.
Yeah.
So we're just in a pit?
A pit.
The pit is a pit.
Okay, so we just
have a few moments seeing you guys
mulling around two great torches
get lit in front of you
and there is a larger
automaton
larger than the ones that drag you
in here sitting.
It looks like it is powered down
until you hear a whooo
and it turns. And this one
has like more of an actual face
We're on a mission. We came here to seek knowledge.
What knowledge do you seek?
How to destroy the wizard Zirak.
As soon as you mention the wizard Zirak, you hear all the automatons around you start to
clamor and make more noise and you get the feeling like they're getting closer to you
and you hear a lot of panic buzzing and worrying and you know, automaton noises, robotic noises.
You are here to kill the master.
Way to go, Fitzy.
Fuck.
Gotta be vague.
Oh, did that we...
No, he's invited us for lunch.
We're trying to find the way over for tea.
Yeah, we wanted to know...
No one's gonna kill him.
Yeah, no.
We wanted to know what his favorite food was.
Sushi.
We brought him sushi.
Okay.
Who's rolling in an act of desperation?
I'll roll in an act of desperation to use my charisma.
You are charismatic.
Oh no.
That's a five plus zero, my dude.
Desperately you only add your scar traits, which you have none of.
So on a five, finally a failed roll.
On a six minus, the threat pushes forward on them.
The DM will scar a trait or give them an injury.
DM's choice.
And the challenge rating doesn't drop.
Okay.
On a six minus, I will say this giant robot here can see straight through your ploy.
And he sends one of the automatons to run over and just like stab you quick in the side.
You take one injury.
Did I draw a skull on my thing?
Yes.
Oh, geez.
So with him telling them that they were bringing me his food and him being stabbed, I don't
know if I'd be acting in anger.
I'd be just acting in anger, but I don't know if it would be desperation or heroicness.
Well are you like, what are you going to do?
I was going to do it.
I was going to go run up and suction cup onto the bigot top.
Try and rip his face off and have a new face plate.
I know what you want to do.
You want a new thing for your fold.
I was trying to get a new face.
So at the root of this, are you trying to heroically kill this robot or are you trying
to use it as a way to get out?
To defend myself.
Yeah.
So get out.
That's like, get out.
Get out.
So you're going to act desperately.
Seven.
Damn it.
Plus all your unscarred traits.
All my scarred traits.
All scarred traits for desperately.
On a seven to nine, you succeed, but at a cost.
You describe your success and I will complicate it.
The challenge rating lowers by one.
If you acted desperately, you take an injury and draw a skull on your nameplate.
So you're going to take an injury too.
However, you are successful to do what you were attempting to do.
So I was going to try to rip off like its face plate, like try to get up and rip off
its face plate, but instead I'd probably just be able to grab the eyeball and yank.
And as you do it, like part of the mechanisms inside that are keeping him going, bit of
an electricity arcs out and zaps you while you got that eyeball and sends you back into
the middle of the pit.
Fitzy.
Seeing this shit, do we still have our gear?
Yeah.
They never searched us.
So yeah, I'm going to go after the one that like the big one that's obviously in charge
and I'm just with my ancient great sword that I pulled out of a wolf or must have been discovered
in the rock slide.
That's how that's how I'll do it.
So I, um, with my ancient great sword, I'll go after the big guy that just zapped old
mad Patty.
I would say you're probably doing this to either avenge your friend or, or you're trying
to.
It's this is to defend my friends because Mr. Mr. Yeah.
Mr. Flash got stabbed.
So is it heroic or desperate?
Heroic.
Okay.
Roll two D six plus your unscarred traits.
My ancient great sword.
I'm just going to try and just show them who's boss.
I got six, seven, eight, nine plus four.
Okay.
Yes.
You go up and you are able to send your great acts home.
Great sword.
I'm going to say that.
Yeah.
That's right.
Getting my weapons confused.
You, you slam your great sword home and this larger autana, a Tomiton, let's out a shriek
in a buzz.
And he starts to kind of Twitch and electric is coming out of his body.
And at this, the other automatons around you begin to freak out and they swarm your group.
And so now there are a lot of automatons around you and we're back to Mr. Flash.
All right.
So as the automatons come to surround us, I'm going to use my newfound strength with
my great acts to swing around in a barbaric tornado, just attacking all of the automatons
in range.
Ooh.
So I got a five plus my four unscarred trades.
So that's a nine.
Yeah.
So on a nine you succeed, but at a cost.
So okay.
So I, you know, wind up with the acts and I swing around taking out one, two, three,
four of them.
But then I come back around too hard and pull all the muscles and get a real bad, a real
bad cramp.
Oh, the sciatic.
So by acting heroically, you actually were going to scar one of your traits instead of
you taking an additional damage.
So in cleaving this many automatons, you know, robotic constructs with that great acts, it
is going to become scarred and a bit damaged.
So it's a worst for the wear.
Oh, my great acts is scarred now.
Yeah.
Your great acts is currently damaged.
However you were successful.
There are still a good number of automatons running around.
Maddie Patty.
I'm going to be desperate or might be heroic.
Like, I don't know what I'm being.
I think you're finding I'm angry.
I got a lecture that heroic reserves in deep inside of you.
And you're just going to blast through these guys.
Pretend they're eels.
Oh, pretend they're eels.
You'll stop big day.
And I just I grab like the closest bits of rock and suction cup them and just start to
stop on these automatons.
Still stopping day seven, four, ten.
Right.
Yeah.
That's an eight.
So you got a do you have a good you have twelve twelve.
Oh, yeah.
So on a twelve, that's a utter success.
So you're able to pretend they're eels.
Yeah.
You're just running through like crowds of these little automatons.
And there are just a few left between you guys and the path that you believe leads out.
It's kind of slanted up that would, you know, make you believe that that's the way to get
out.
Yeah.
Well, me being clever, I'm not going to use the ancient greatsword on the little guys.
So with the dagger, I'm just going to rip through them, just try and pop them.
They'll probably shatter into pieces.
They don't turn into snow.
OK, let's see it.
Six, ten, ten on a ten.
Yeah.
You're able to to shatter these little guys.
They're just like ring like hitting like something and they get high pitching.
And the trail is clear to get out.
You'll stop and die.
You guys got to experience eels stopping day.
It was with robots.
That's kind of cool.
There's quite a bit of oil.
I'm just like sliding around.
It's a fun day.
You guys should really come down one day.
I think I had my fill here tonight.
Good.
I'm very glad I got to see.
I'm glad I got to see it on dry land.
I think if we head up this slight inclined plane here, guys, we can try and make our
way out if we can figure out how to open up the door.
Hopefully it's not past the first light of day and we can still find out where the tower
is.
Continue our adventure.
And I think we got attacked pretty late in the night.
I'm going to bend down here too long.
No, but as on your way out, you guys trip over some like a lost and found treasure pile
that these automatons had had set up here as they have no use for most of those things.
So go ahead and take a treasure.
Fat sack of gold.
Plus one silver axe.
Funny looking nose.
I have a funny looking nose.
You fell into the pile of treasure and.
You found like the Marco Grouch's glasses.
Awesome.
I just walk up and squeeze it.
Looks good on you.
Awesome.
And I'm stealthy.
These are my sneaky glasses.
They're like the literal toy glasses.
Like this is the best.
Just put it on.
Instant disguise.
Little tooth breath mustache.
Yep.
Perfect.
Awesome.
So you guys all now have five traits or five treasures.
Connor, you're the only one with a scarred one.
Yeah.
Cause they got zapped hard.
And then Mad Pat and Mr. Flash both have injuries, correct?
I have an injury.
Yeah.
Okay.
Unscathed.
So far.
I'm a pizzie ice pickle.
Okay.
So you guys head back up the ramp sliding every once in a while.
Well, no, Mad Pat doesn't slide anywhere.
He's got a firm grasp on it.
I'll let them go in front of me so that when they slide, I'm just like.
Catching them all.
And you guys make your way up and in front of you is, you know, you can see the doorway
as it's supposed to be a doorway, but like you don't know how to push it open.
I'm just like, all right, here we go.
I got this.
I'm strong.
There you go.
You're strong.
And then you're right in the middle of it just like.
Nothing's happening guys.
Well, I'm clever.
I'm going to think about it.
I guess I'm going to go about it the not physical route.
What is it?
Does it look like a big badass locker or like.
Yeah.
It looks like a locked door.
Big mechanism.
Big.
Yeah.
I'm going to get angry at him not being able to open it and just like slam myself into
his back and like push him into like the wall and like push harder.
Like it did not.
It might have helped, but might have hurt.
No, I didn't try to hurt you.
Didn't help.
Like, come on, come on.
Open the door.
All right, Fitz, you stick one of your ice pickles in it.
Yeah, I'll see.
I'll throw the magic ice dagger and try and pick the lock and maybe freeze it and blast
it open.
OK, I guess make a roll for that.
We'll just see.
I have a six and a two.
So eight and eight.
So we'll just say a straight roll because there's no rolls.
There's nothing to establish this.
And on eight, we're going to say your ice dagger gets scarred as well.
It opens the door, but it is scarred.
OK, you guys are back out as you stumble out onto the ledge.
Once again, you see just over the mountains that you guys got here just in time as rays
of the sun begin to peak up over the furthest hills.
And as you stand here, suddenly on first light, off in the distance, you see a large black
tower appear.
It looks like the Space Needle.
Oh, how is that thing only visible right now?
It's huge.
It's not even that far away.
I thought it was going to look dirty.
Let's go.
Real optical illusion, I guess.
Geez.
I think it's turned sideways in the light or something.
Shifts.
It probably has nothing to do with the wizard that lives there.
Oh, yeah, the wizard.
It's like his alarm's going off and he can't do all the magic shit.
Oh, it's a snooze button alarm that fucks up his concentration.
Yeah, I've heard about that stuff.
On our way.
Let's go.
We gotta travel down the hill and then back up another one.
It's pretty much a lot of that.
Yeah.
I'm going to...
Are you guys going to tell me about your past?
I told you about Eel Stomping Day.
I'd like to hear some of yours.
Well, why do they call you Ice Pickle?
I've seen you with a pickle, but the ice dagger, I understand those portions, but like...
That's about it.
The guys I roll with, they're not the most creative, poetic bunch.
These are the guys that you roll with.
We're creative.
I'm creative.
Don't call me not creative.
I just like suck your cup to the side of your face and start shaking you a little bit.
Don't call me not creative.
You're good.
Are you saying this in Starfish or in Wolf?
Just sit there growling at me.
His face just starts bleeding a little bit again.
Sorry.
And you've got a...
It looks like it's wearing glasses because of the fucking things off of the automaton.
You're just like two little gaskets over the wolf eyes, over the googly eyes.
I'm creating a monster.
You are creative.
That is very creative.
That's the truth.
Look at what you did to your bowl, how you decorated it.
Very creative.
Googly eyes make the angry easier to portray.
It's good.
You don't even need that marker anymore.
No.
You just use wolf blood.
This has gotten out of hand.
I absolutely love this game.
This is whatever rating system we have for these micro RPGs.
This one's getting a 10 from me.
I think I've come up with a new villain for my next D&D campaign.
Mad Pat the Starfish.
All right.
What do you guys do?
I keep booking towards the tower so we can hopefully get in there before it disappears.
Because we keep riding on the path down is much easier than the path up and there's no
kidnapping by any robots.
We go down through a very gravelly section of the hill where it's a little bit muddy
too from the glacial runoff from the mountain that we were just in.
We noticed that the mud is also particularly oily.
There was some pollution in the runoff today as we go by and we just continue down.
So are you guys going to start a holiday of automaton stomping day?
Because it's quite a fun holiday.
I hope we won't see many more of those automatons on an annual basis.
Yeah, no, I'm fine without those.
I think they were just his butlers.
Oh, gotcha.
And after a half day ride, you guys arrive at the bottom of the wizard Xerax tower.
I'll knock.
You want me to knock?
I'll knock on the door.
Okay.
What kind of door is it?
I don't know.
I'm just going to knock on a wall.
If there's stairs leading up towards my good area, I'm just going to walk up there and
just start smacking the wall.
I'm going to put my funny looking nose on in case he answers.
I'm going to try and sell him something, distract him.
I was going to say Girl Scout cookies.
Upon knocking on the door, which there's a pretty clear pathway up to it.
You can see where people have walked in and out and there's some gravel.
It's kind of nice.
The trail from the automaton.
Yes.
The doorway is quite large and ornate and it is metal.
And when you go up Mad Pat and you knock on it, you can hear the hollow echo from inside,
but the door does squeak open.
Housekeeping.
I just kind of poke my head around.
Just poke my head around the corner.
It's like looking all weird in.
I just could let myself in stealthy.
We got this.
I come in not so stealthy behind Fitzy and notice that there's just a mostly empty room
with a checkerboard floor pattern and just a black marble staircase spiraling up in the
center.
I'm like, all right, just proceed slowly up the cold staircase.
Is it black and gray checkerboard or black and white checkerboard?
It's black and white checkerboard, but the staircase is a black marble.
So you're going to make your way over to the staircase?
Yes.
I'm going to make my way.
I'll follow you except for I'm just going to be jumping on only the black tiles.
Just to stick around as I go.
White is bad.
I'm going to do the same thing, but like just kind of keep my eyes peeled for anything sketchy
like traps or pitfalls.
It's rather empty, emptier than you would have thought.
There's not really many torches lit.
Like it's just as bright as it needs to be.
You don't hear any scuffling, purring or any noise coming from inside.
As we proceed up the icy black marble staircase, the torches become fewer in between.
And then it seems like we've been walking for a really long time and it gets to a point
where it's so dark we can't see even each other anymore on the staircase.
And then all of a sudden, Vitsy who's gotten into the lead now hits his head.
It's a trap door.
Reach up and try to open it, crack it open.
You crack open this trap door.
Listening into it, you can hear clacking and creaking coming from this room.
I'm just going to go up and just be like, there's something up here, but here we are.
And climb up and out and grab whoever's behind me.
You all go through this trap door into this room and you're kind of in the shadowy part
of this room and looking into it is a large ornate bedroom.
And it's got a nice bed, which you can see some robes on, but it's one of those beds
that's got like the curtains on the side and you can see that it is mostly closed.
And so you can only make out a very little portion of the person that is on this bed.
You just see their dark robes.
And in the room, you can see another automaton bigger than the other ones.
Walking around, it's got four legs and four arms and it just seems to be scurrying around
the room here, you know, doing different tasks that, you know, you're not really sure what
it's up to.
Giant spider robot.
We are friends!
Wave out my arms.
There goes the element of surprise.
This robot turns around quickly.
Who are you?
Why are you here?
You must not be here.
You must terminate.
We're here to speak with Zirak.
Where is your master?
Impossible.
You cannot speak to Zirak.
He sent for us.
Why can't we speak for him?
He sent for no one.
We're here on behalf of the mayor.
Even worse.
Screw that guy.
And he takes two swords and two crossbows out of from behind his body.
Great.
Yep.
He does not make it out of here alive and he begins to inch his way towards you guys.
Not inch.
He moves pretty like a lot of inches at a time because he's quite large.
Well, whoa, don't approach us so fast.
I've got fireballs I'm going to blast you with.
And instead of the normal like, you know, large fireball that I've, you know, lit the
entire forest on fire with before, it's just going to be like a stream of small ones.
Just like, not small, but like, you know, a baseball sized fireball.
Act heroically.
10 plus four, so a 14.
So yeah, you launched a fireball at this robot.
Oh yeah.
So they, you know, the fireballs come at him and just melt the one of the swords that he
picked up and that whole arm.
Okay.
They just come in and it just melts it just down into and he just got like a little nubby
thing that he just wave around now.
Just like, ah, my arm.
He is enraged now.
Must carry out the master's plan.
And it is mad Pat's turn.
I didn't understand most of the conversation, but all I heard him say was like, fuck you
and your termite.
And I'm just going to be like, no, fuck you.
You're a termite.
And throw my ax for a two with five plus four.
One of yours is injured.
Is it, isn't it?
No, it's not going to be injured now.
Oh, you don't have a screw.
So it is a two plus five.
Yeah.
Through the ax that I found inside of the automatons thing.
Yeah.
So you're able to hit him, however, that ax does get kind of wedged in to his gears and
it gets spit back out.
Like just the blade part.
Yeah.
Oh, the blade.
Yeah.
Just the blade.
Not even the handle.
It's less useful.
Oh, you bastard.
So your ax is a termite.
I told you he ate the fricking handle.
All right.
Well, I'm going to try and run up Adam and take out one of those big long spindly legs
or whatever he's got going on with my ancient greatsword.
Four, six, ten.
What of yours is scarred?
My ice dagger.
Oh, that's right.
Okay.
So you rolled a six, a ten.
Yeah.
You succeed.
Oh yeah.
I run up and with the big ancient greatsword, I just slice one of those legs out from under
it and try and take it off balance.
Doing this, he goes, must protect the master, must fulfill his plan.
Oh God.
I'm going to go kill the master.
On my turn, I'm going to ask him like, why do you keep saying you must protect the master
and fulfill his plan?
Is he dead or not?
You know, if he's dead, you don't have to do anything.
Tell us what's going on.
Kind of nine.
Plus four.
It was his last wish.
I must fulfill his plan.
We must become emperor.
No, you don't need to become the emperor.
Just go do some gardening or something.
Why do you want to be emperor for?
What are you going to do?
You don't have to do this.
If the master's dead, you can just go do whatever you want now.
No, master said I must.
We must.
We will become emperor.
Who's we?
We killed all the rest of the automatons.
This really enrages him as he begins to whirr and spit and sputter even more.
Some oil pours out of his arm and leg socket as he readies his crossbow.
I can dodge.
Look at me.
I can dodge.
I'm just going to be like, over here, termite.
So is this heroic?
Nope.
And it's not.
It's fucking bad either way.
It's five.
I rolled a five.
Five?
Either way, it's bad.
Five plus four is nine or five plus one is six.
Out of nine, yeah, you do dodge it.
Somehow it does.
Maybe it's the amount of oil that's leaking out of him that's continuing to do him damage.
However, your...what the fuck traits do you have?
Oh, I just flipped over the dodge.
Yeah, dodge.
Yeah, your dodge is less than effective as you...
As I start slipping and sliding on the oil, I can't quite make purchase.
And being from the sea, oil is my number one enemy.
It is your biggest weakness.
Quick, get some Dawn.
Save me.
I'm just flailing across the floor.
Okay, Fitsy Ice Pickle.
Old Fits, he's gonna be clever and try and find the best place to stab this thing wherever
its main processor would be and just take it out.
Okay.
Five, nine.
Five plus nine.
Yeah, you're able to find its main power source kind of right in the center of its mass and
you with your great sword dig it in there.
And upon doing so, the amount of energy that is created melts the blade of your sword leaving
you with just the hilt and a ragged blade.
However, this automaton lets out its final...
As it powers down.
Taking its face.
There are no more treasures to be had.
You guys have all the treasures already.
Still taking its face.
It's not a treasure, it's just a trophy.
All right, let's go see what's going on in this bed.
I think there's gonna be a dead wizard in there though.
Dude, at this point I could have three different faces.
I could have three different hands.
Tomtom and Wolf Hand.
Tomtom and Human Hand.
Darkest puppet show ever.
On the next episode, we kill the starfish guy.
So you go over to the bed and walk over to the bed carefully pulling back the curtain
around this four post bed.
It's a very soft, silky curtain, one of the darkest material I've ever seen.
And then lying in the bed I see...
You see a decomposing skeleton of...
Well you assume it's Zarak.
He's wearing wizard robes there.
They're dark and he's clutching a note in his hands.
With the overwhelming stench of death, I see the decomposing corpse and I'm like, oh god,
well there's a note.
Let's at least see what this is.
And I try and pull it out from his hands and it's kind of stuck.
He's got a really firm grasp and so I jerk the note out of his hands and the one hand
rips off and the other one crumbles to dust.
And I open up the note.
And the note says, Doc, my dearest friend, fulfill my final wish.
Unite the lands and become emperor.
Drive out those heathen mayors and do my bidding.
Oh man.
That sucks.
I think we got played, guys.
I just don't know by who.
So Zarak's dead and the threats...
Threats are all neutralized.
Only for new ones to take their place.
Those mayors.
Guys, I think...
So do we have to go get...
I think that the rich people just set us up.
What if we go take out the mayor?
Is that a... that's not heroic.
That is heroic.
That's heroic.
Right?
I think we have to take out the mayors.
Did I just convince them to become murderers?
We'll just bring this note back, you know, show it to the mayor.
The mayor be like...
He... he...
He was still dead.
Okay.
So you guys have defeated the final boss here in the dungeon and are you going to go back
and fight the mayor?
What is... what is the next plan?
Is there more to the game?
I mean, why don't we go and see what the mayor says?
Traditionally, this would be the end of the game.
That's what I was saying.
I mean, like there'd be an outro.
You can have Derek come in and play a rap mad pat.
He can be the enemy.
No, no, we saved the town.
The mayor's been doing a lot of good work and everything.
I don't...
I think Zirak... this was a long time ago.
This new mayor, he's pretty good.
Yeah, you guys make your way back to the town.
You take the same path coming back as you did out and it's a nice early morning when
you arrive back in town.
Is there more wildlife on the way back because there's no wolves?
And baton-a-tont.
Yeah, it's just running rampant with rabbits and squirrels.
Everything we've done has made everything better.
We're heroes and that's what we're going to tell them.
Fine.
You arrive at the mayor's house.
Gentlemen, gentlemen, you're back.
You're the first ones that have come back.
Yes, we made it.
Did you stop the wizard?
We did.
The wizard was already dead.
Always dead.
We stopped him.
Stopped.
Yes.
Yeah, so are we.
He stopped.
You have nothing to fear from the wizard, Zyrack.
Did we stomp him or stomp him?
I think you stomped quite a few.
Yes.
But he we stopped.
So the threat is over.
The threat is over.
And he flips to the book towards the end of his manual and he shows you the chapter that
says the threat is over.
I got this.
And he looks through, he films through a couple pages.
Well, it seems that you guys are all heroes then.
Huzzah.
Did you get any good stuff on your way there?
We got a fat sack of gold over here.
Hey, and you're about to get a second fat sack of gold for being a hero.
And he hands you.
Yay, hero.
He hands you all a fat sack of gold coins.
Clink, clink, clink.
Fat sack of gold.
I put my funny looking nose on.
Oh, that's good.
That's good.
I got a job for you.
Hey.
I live here in my house.
Be my little funny boy.
It pays.
No, thank you.
It's got other benefits.
I'll just take the hero money like everybody else.
Okay.
And you, Gurgles.
Excellent job.
Anyways, well, then I guess I'll see you in your nightmares.
Yeah, absolutely.
I'm terrified.
Well, I would invite you all to join the heroic feast that we're throwing in your honor for
coming back and taking care of the threat.
How fantastic.
Did you really think we were coming back?
No, no.
None of the rest have.
I told you, you were the last ones here.
It's because all the rest have gone off to die.
Oh, God.
Yeah, less than stellar.
Not great performances by them.
It has saved me a lot in reward money, though.
However.
Well, the money you have saved in reward money is now ours.
And you're about to put all that money into a feast because Mad Pat is hungry.
Well, we'll make a good feast.
The money's yours when you do more jobs.
He's going to hire us again?
Obviously.
We're heroes.
Did you tell him we took care of bandits for him, too?
Yeah, we cleaned up the streets.
We took care of bandits and wolves.
Oh, well, that's good.
Yeah.
We heard a horrifying story of these two kids that were lost in the woods.
And only the little boy came back.
He's been inconsolable.
We haven't even been able to understand what he's been talking about, blabbering on about
his sister being used as a club.
What kind of monster could do that?
Anyways, thank you, gentlemen, for taking care of the bandits.
I'll give you an extra gold piece for each bandit.
There was a thousand bandits.
Maybe next time we'll have you guys look for the poachers who killed all of our wolves.
We recently put them on the endangered list.
You guys probably know by now there's not many of them left.
So we're going to we're probably going to have to find those guys next to this.
We're heroes.
You are heroes.
We will help you hunt those men down.
Excellent.
I can't wait.
OK, well, until until he does look at your hat.
Did you have that on before?
Yes.
Oh, OK.
I thought I thought so.
I thought I recognized it.
Well, well, you all go enjoy your feast and we will we will get your services again in
the future.
Thank you, Mr. Mayor.
You are welcome.
Oh, my goodness.
So glad you guys paid it back.
We are, too.
What do you eat at the feast?
What's at the feast?
I didn't eat anything fish.
They've got a nice black sea bass.
Sea bass.
You just eat a big old turkey leg.
Yeah, I'm thinking mutton rack of meat, meat, roasted meats, some mint jelly.
So that concludes us playing Broken Swords and Twisted Trails.
What did everybody think?
This is actually kind of fun.
That was like a nice.
I really fucked up.
I did not expect me to make a monster.
I'm sorry.
You went real dark with it.
This will not be the pilot episode.
No, you're going to put that towards the back end.
Dude, it was fun to play.
It was fun to play.
It's just I can't believe I made a monster.
Like you guys all made normal things.
I was like, I'm going to make a monster.
This popping wolf.
No, this was like basically like a blueprint for a one shot.
Yeah.
Like really cool.
Like you could stack it in like a different way and like do different things mechanically
with it.
You could use it as like a spit like honestly, you could play it as like a spitballing idea
for figuring out like a campaign that you want to run.
You could be like, all right, well, like, let's see how they'll react instead of like
this type of scenario in a dungeon.
You could judge off of their character being heroic or not heroic and then play it as like
a D&D campaign and be like, add better, like add a lot more roles to it.
Like the rolling dynamics seemed a little lacking, but yeah, I wish you could roll for
more.
Yeah.
And I wish the success threshold was a little bit lower.
Yeah.
So you guys failed one role completely and like three, maybe four roles were like mid
success and all the rest were fucking, you know, complete with success.
It was a good game though.
I liked it.
I enjoyed it.
I was rather, you know, more success you had the more successful you were.
That's true.
I guess that would be kind of the point.
Yeah.
Right.
Yeah.
But then if you get, you start losing everything, you have to start acting desperate and like
doing like acting desperately.
Yeah.
I feel like honestly, if it would have gone on further, we would have gone from being
heroic to acting desperate pretty quickly.
Yeah.
Like I was about to start acting desperate.
Yeah.
No, I think that was pretty fun.
It was, I liked the dungeon progression that they got a little harder each time.
No, I enjoyed that.
Thank you guys for spending your time with us today.
Listening to us play Broken Swords and Twisted Trails by Brandon Leon Gambetta.
This is one we won.
So good job.
Good job, Stefan, Connor and Mikey for making it out of out of the dungeons.
And we will be back in two Tuesdays with a new episode.
See you next next Tuesday.
The Tales from the Crypt podcast is recorded in the Wolfbeard Games studio in upstate New
York.
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Tales from the Crypt.
Tonight, you will be.
Why do I keep saying tonight?
It's the middle of the day today.
The day.