Welcome to Tales from the Crit Season 3. Bigger,
badder, and stickier. By joining us today, you
have been officially upgraded to Crit Cat status.
So, welcome to the club. Tales from the Crit
is an actual play podcast where we focus on smaller
story arcs from some of your favorite RPGs, as
well as some of the less known or obscure ones.
We also play some highly narrative tabletop board
games and also some micro RPGs. All of those
feature a revolving cast of players, so you're
going to see a lot of variety there. And as always,
I am your host and your Crit Keeper, Riley Groves.
We're so glad to have you here with us today.
Now let's get into the episode. Content warnings
can be found in the description. Welcome back
to Tales from the Crit. I'm the Crit Keeper,
Riley Groves. And back at the table with me today,
I have Connor. Let's do this. Tim. Good evening.
And AK. Oh, boy. All right. They're reprising
their roles as Dave, Spuddy, and Raekwon Starks
here on the Wendy's Feast of Legends story. You
guys survived your run -in with hunger. I was
surprised, but I was very happy. to hear that
or to see that or to have that happen i'm glad
you're still here let me put it that way i'm
glad we're still on this adventure because it's
like man they're not even going to make it to
chapter two which would have been drink a cup
of black coffee keeps that hunger at bay black
coffee and a cigarette yep yep never go hungry
again it's all you need all right but before
we jump back in and finish leveling up to level
two we're going to answer a question from our
ultimate RPG campfire card deck. Last time, you
guys got the option to choose between your past,
your present, and your companions, leaving just
two cards now. There's your past and your companions.
What do you want to answer a question about?
Companions. Companions. Sounds great. All right.
Past. I'm just kidding. Overruled. Among your
companions, who would you prefer to marry? Who
would you prefer to share a bed with for one
night, and who would you betray? So basically
it's fuck, marry, kill your companions. But there's
only two of them. Well, you got to do two things
to one of them, I guess. All right. I guess I
forgot there are three of you. Well, I don't
know. Do with it what you will. Let's throw Wendy
in the mix. Queen Wendy. Queen Wendy. I would
have to sleep. with Raekwon and then murder him
so that he didn't tell anybody. And then I would
go home to my handsome husband, Dave. All right.
Well, I would choose to share my bed with my
salty trained buddy, and I would probably have
to murder Raekwon so he didn't be too jealous.
I mean, if you're not banging french fries, you're
not playing this game right. All right. I regret
asking this question, actually. Rayquan. I'm
going to betray Dave. Okay. Dave died. Eat Spuddy
and sleep with myself. Fuck my companions. All
right. He's going to kill both of you and live
alone. Yes. I love it. I think actually that's
probably the most creative interpretation of
the three. Yeah. We'll take it. Okay. So let's
just start. All right. We'll finish leveling
up. The one thing that we did forget last time
when you guys got your additional skills is you
should also gain some more hit points, which
is hugely helpful. Yeah. Maybe. Maybe. You're
going to gain 2d4 plus 4. Hit points. Whoa. 2d4
plus 4. 2d4 plus 4. So roll 2d4s. 10. Awesome.
11. I got 6 plus 4. I got 12. I got 2 fourths.
You got 2 fourths and a 4. All right. Nice. Solid.
Thank God. I've been worried about definitely
Raekwon the entire time. So that brings you up
to 19. 19. Whew. Now we're talking. Yeah. Now
we're cooking. Now we're cooking with oil. So
19 total. Spuddy, how many does that give you
in total? 25. 25. Solid. And Dave? Also 25. 25.
25, 25, 19. Not doing too bad. All right. Just
a general question. How much gold does everybody
have? One nugget. Okay. 14 gold and I also have
some nuggets. Okay. I couldn't find anywhere
that I wrote gold until this last one I pulled
out of that log or something. So I put one gold.
So I think I have one. What I remember from the
items thing is we could have five. Yes. And you
started with ten gold. Oh, we started with ten
gold. Yes. Okay. Started with ten. You spent
a few on your toothpicks. one gold piece each
so that would brought you down to six i don't
know uh and you have a gold nugget i do have
a gold nugget i bought something else randomly
one time a torch i bought a torch to throw it
in a room for that's right fucking reason and
that was one gold as well so it was two actually
two gold so it sounds to me like you have four
gold and a nuggy five golden nuggy sounds good
to me I have two nugs. Two nugs. Sounds good.
And as far as buffs, we all feasted on some more
Wendy's in between recording episodes. So you
guys can keep the buffs that you had last time.
So everybody's got advantage on their attack
rolls. Hugely helpful. And you still have your
plus ones to all those stats that we talked about
before, which I believe is strength, intelligence.
Arcana. And arcana. Oh, intelligence. Yes. Perfect.
That's where I've had it the whole time. Awesome.
And don't forget, each review still gets one
luck point that hasn't expired. So if you roll
a die and then say, hey, you know what? I'm going
to use my luck point instead. We're going to
flip the lucky coin and you'll either get a big
whoops or a feast mode or a triumph if it's a
skill that you're trying to roll against. Buddy,
you've got two for being the most valuable potato
in the last episode. I got another luck point?
You have two luck points. Yep. Oh, wow. For the
most valuable tater. After that, I think that's
all the buffs and level up stuff that we get.
So, are we ready to return to Freshtovia? Yeah.
I believe so. Reluctantly, yes. When you return
to town, the uneasy feeling is no longer lingering
in the air. People are happy, and they are singing.
A bard near the city center is playing his famous
song, Hot Drinks. What? Wendy's isn't known for
hot drinks, is it? They got coffee. They've got
coffee. I mean. That's all you need to keep the
hunger away. Yeah, I've had that. I've had the
coffee. I wouldn't say hot drinks is bard worthy.
It's a very good song. Oh, please. We shan't
sing it here just because I don't believe that
we could do it as much service as it deserves.
Could you just read it in a lovely voice? Or
a normal voice. I'm sure it'll sound lovely if
the words are... You know, I can't speak Wendarian,
so I just can't read the lyrics. There's a lot
of Ws. It's more of, um... What's that one? Slam
poetry? Drinks! Hot drinks! On my pants! Too
hot! Burn your tongue! Watch the fingers! Ouch!
Steam, my eyes. Sue McDonald's, lose. Wendy's,
perfect hot drink every time. Yeah, that's exactly
it. And as you guys are standing there, the Shrouded
Man from earlier appears, and he comes up to
you, Dave. Dave, you have returned. I have. We've
defeated the hunger in the French Five Forest.
I can tell. The fog has been lifted from... I'm
turning this buddy. The fog's been lifted from
the town. Which is surprising, because when we
killed the hunger, it let out a quite noxious
fog for a little while. Disgusting. You smell
like it. The three of you were covered in gross
matter, by the way. It was a gross journey. A
very trying battle. Well, I appreciate... what
you have done and he goes on to explain that
he has worked directly for the queen for many
years but as he's aged he can no longer protect
the kingdom like he once did with the current
seclusion of the creepy king of creeping vale
and the colonel of the grease bucket armies amassing
their numbers queen wendy will need a group of
protectors after her speech she will want to
speak with you if you'll let her we would love
a chance to speak with the queen wendy This makes
you seem much more official than the creepy man
I assumed you were. I tried to explain that I
am not that creepy, I'm just old. A lot of people
find that to be creepy sometimes, just the way
it goes. It is very creepy. What is your position,
or was it, old man? Spuddy's not used to seeing
people who are... Able to be old, his kind, don't
live that long. I have been Queen Wendy's advisor
for quite some time. Long time. I actually served
her father. Before her. That's how old I am.
Long live Dave. Long live Dave indeed. Now head
to the castle after the Queen's speech, which
should begin shortly. Before we do that, I need
to go see if I can put this triangle back on
that sign in front of Dave. Yes, I will see you
at the castle. And the old man wanders off. You
head to the statue? That's where I am headed
there first. You guys have any... You want to
go to the fried dough booth first? I'll just
follow you. I would love to see if this is the
corner. So we head to the statue of Dave, who
never cuts corners. And you place the corner.
Have you guys tasted this amazing sauce that's
poured out of the hunger? It is so salty. It
is too salty for me, Spuds, but I'm glad that
you're finding a silver lining there. Great Quan,
I have not touched this part of myself. You...
Should try it. I'm not a big fan of the salt.
More for me. People are starting to look, Spud.
He's a warrior. I walk over to the sign and I
pulled a little triangle out of my pocket and
try to fit it into the corner of the sign. When
you place that corner of the sign onto the plaque,
The entire statue glows brilliantly for a moment.
Whoa. Wow. And then out of Dave's hand comes
the spatula that he is holding up to the sky.
It comes clambering down the statue and clunks
onto the floor. What? Onto the ground. Huzzah!
Dave, you broke it! I think Dave is giving this
to me for fixing his sign. And I retrieve the
spatula. Raekwon, what is your arcana score?
12. Is that including your bonuses? You should
have a plus 2. Yeah, it's 14. 14. All right.
You... Or 15. You sense that there is something
up with the weapon. Would you like to make an
Arcana roll? Sure. Okay. Let's see if you can
beat a 15 on your roll. Nope. Do we still get
advantage? On attack rolls. Fudge. That's all
right. I rolled seven with my additionals. You
sense that there's something up, but you're not
able to discern what it is. You think something's
up with this, Raekwon? Let me look closer. I'll
compare it to my other one and see if there's
anything different. Good thing that was a nine
that you rolled the second time. That's an 11.
Not higher than 15, though. No, and you don't
have a very high Arcana score anyways, right?
No, my Arcana's a 7. Yeah. Do you have a negative
to Arcana, then? No, it's neutral. Just a 0?
Okay. You really don't know what's going on with
it. To you, it's just a spatula. It looks just
like the other one to me, guys. Oh, I can find
out a lot through my tongue. And he licks it.
That's a 16 plus 2, an 18. How the fuck would
your tongue detect what's going on here? That's
how he detects magic. You run your tongue down
the length of the shaft coming to the head, and
you swirl your tongue around the tip of it for
a moment, and you feel that, and you do this
to the other one too, right? Of course. Oh, naturally
you have to compare. I have one in my right hand,
one in my left hand. Yeah, and so you're going
back and forth, swirling your tongues around
the tips. And as you're doing that, the new one
that just fell out of Dave's hand does seem a
little bit warmer than Dave's spatula. Okay,
this one has been sitting in the sun. And that's
it. I thought you were checking to see if one
was gold. I heard that you can taste the difference.
Oh, I think you just have to bite it. If only
I had teeth. No, I'm not going that far. He's
got to have teeth. For now, I'm going to just
hold on to both of these. But can either of you
carry? And you can both use the heavy weapon.
You just don't get the plus one that I get. I
plan on going to the armory. Swordsmith? Spatula
smith. I'm going to Restaurant Depot and I'm
buying a new spatula anyway. You don't get that
at Restaurant Depot. They sell food. I'm going
to go to Target, which is right next to the Wendy's.
After speaking briefly with the shouted man and
then placing the corner into the statue, a loud
familiar voice booms throughout the city. It
is Queen Wendy giving her address to the people
of Freshtopia. For 50 years, we have strived
to accomplish things that other nations of beefs
keep. could not do, or chose not to do. We have
maintained the one tried and true fact of our
people. In Fresh Tovia, we do not cut corners.
We will not cut corners. As the deep freeze continues
in the south, just know that we will not succumb
to the pressure of some clown, because we are
fresh. Queen Wendy leaves the sentence floating
as the people of Freshtovia chant back, Never
frozen! Never frozen! Just like that. And they
cheer. The crowd begins to disperse, making the
center and the shops easier to navigate. The
city is still busy, but the people are no longer
bunched together. There are several things to
do around town if you guys would like to explore
the town before going to talk to Queen Wendy.
Yes, I need to. do something about not having
just toothpicks. All the shops and vendors are
open. There are several vendor stalls around
the Sawsome Fountain that lies in the city center.
There are also a number of games set up around
the city. We could use a game. We had a very
rough go of it for a bit. You know, a game might
be a little bit lighter than what we're used
to. What say you, comrades? Yeah, I'm down. Maybe
they will have weapons as prizes. I need to find
somewhere to trade my nuggin for gold coins.
Yes, it turns out weapons are very expensive.
Yes, they are. As you guys approach the city
center, this awesome fountain is like a very
large fountain that has four distinct... Fountain
heads coming off of it and each kind of contains
its own pool one of ranch one of barbecue One
of a honey mustard and one of ketchup and somehow
they don't mix in the bottom part of this fountain
They all kind of stay in their own individual
zones, even though there's nothing Separating
them magic. I get it baby. That's right There's
a stall to the east that seems to be a tailor.
There's a stall to the north that seems to be
selling frosties There's a stall to the west
that seems to be selling ice cream and a stall
to the south that is a general goods vendor.
The Snacksmith is also open, and the Snacksmith,
you would all know, is a forge where you can
buy gear and weapons. There's also, as I said,
several games. One that is more obvious than
others is it's got a large pole and a man that's
holding a large hammer standing on its base.
It's a classic smash that shit and see how high
it goes game. A small track that has several
small pigs at its start and a man that is sitting
at a table that has a large number of dice in
front of him. Dave, Dave, they have that thing
that you can hit. I would very much like to see
if you can make it all the way to the top. Well,
I would definitely like to give it a try. Let's
head over there. I like to smack things. Near
the Sawsome Fountain at the city center is a
small carnival -style booth with a loudmouth
proprietor and a three -ring circus -style striped
suit and hat. There's a large rubber mallet propped
up next to a platform which stands in front of
a tall scale and a small metal ball at its base.
The rest, you guys know the rest. It costs one
gold to play, Dave, and the amount that you roll
will give you a varying amount of gold as well
as a nickname that either mocks you or praises.
Your strength. Here we go. I'm going to pay my
one gold. All right. You're going to roll 1d20.
Add your strength to it. Add my strength to it?
Yep. Okay. With my pluses that I get for strength?
That's right. Okay. That is a nine. You are deemed
to be lukewarm. You receive your one gold back.
Can I try again? The proprietor mocks you and
says, absolutely. That'll just cost one more
gold. Okay. I give him the gold back, and we're
going to try again. But if he mocks me again,
I'm going to step on his toes. That is a 15.
Double stack smack, he declares, and he tosses
you five gold pieces. You dare to push your luck?
No, I think double stack smack is appropriate.
It does seem like that's the highest that you
could get, yes. I'm going to step on his toes.
He lets out a yelp. Oh, sorry. A little clumsy.
Got in a fight this morning. Oh, I must try this
out. I need a good nickname. Plus, the gold isn't
a bad side effect. I'm going to go for it. All
right. Just one gold. Here you are. My fried
friend. All right, easy. Nine. He reaches out
and just gently caresses the side of one of your
fries and says, I am afraid you two are just
lukewarm. And he presses your gold piece back
into your hand. That was just the warm -ups,
bud. Give it a go again. Well, how can we have
the same nickname? You must make something original,
sir. I paid you a gold. Well, yes, it is all
determined, but you can see it's right up there,
and he points to the sign and how it says lukewarm
right next to the 9 to 11. So it's more about
the gold. Okay, here is this back. 21. Is that
a natural 20? No, 18 plus 3. Oh. Well, I don't
think that matters. He jumps up onto the front
of the stall and exclaims in front of the entire
crowd, Never frozen, baby! And he tosses a large
gold pouch of 10 gold at you and then gets down
and shakes your hand. Now those are muscles.
Do you see that? And he points at you, Dave.
That could have been you. It still could for
just one more gold. Dave, I am a never frozen
baby. Never frozen. That's the way we like to
keep it, bud. Congratulations. Thank you. Raekwon,
get up here. It is only one gold, and you can
also be a baby who will never be frozen. I have
no gold. I pay one gold, Raekwon, to give it
a smack. All right, let's see if the poor man
can make some money. That's so messed up. I'm
not strong. 18. Yeah. He looks at you and he
points his finger right into your eyes. You're
so fresh. Fresh, I say. And then he tosses you
seven gold pieces. Love it. How do I make money
on this game? You don't. Fresh and never frozen,
baby. Here we go. I'm going to give Dave his
gold coin back. Okay. That puts you up six gold
coins. Well, now we must go. We could either
beat the shit out of this game and just keep
winning money, which is what I would do if this
was a video game. I'd be here for 30 minutes
just trying to get as much money as possible.
But we should probably move on. I really want
to see what these pigs are about. Can't want
some pigs? That's what I'm hoping. I'm really
hoping we can gamble lots of pigs. You head over
and near the Snacksmith's Forge is a small track
where people are gathered around and cheering
as a loud man by the name of Chilbo Bacons announces
what is happening. It seems they are hosting
pig races, and for one gold coin or more, you
can place a bet on which pig will win. If your
pig comes in first, you will double your bet.
There are four pigs. Ready to race. So place
your wager on Baconator, Son of Baconator, Junior
Bacon Cheeseburger, or Baconator Fries. I obviously
have to put five coin on Baconator Fries. Also,
we'll put five on Baconator Fries. I'm putting
five on Son of Baconator. I wonder. How many...
We could get done with this race and go right
back and slam some hammers. All right. I'm standing
at the last curve, intimidating all the pigs
that aren't baking it or frying it. Climbing
my spatulas together. As soon as the gates open
and the gun goes off, the four little pigs spring
into action, taking the first spots. are both
son of Baconator and Baconator Fries, tying for
first, while Baconator and Junior Bacon Cheeseburger
fall slightly behind. Let's go, Baconator Fries!
Come on! I will let you lick my salt. Suddenly,
with a burst of speed, both Baconator and Junior
Bacon Cheeseburger close the gap. All four pigs
are tied for first place, with none falling behind.
It is neck to neck. Baconator Fries, you must
do this, my friend. Son of a Baconator. Suddenly,
Junior Bacon Cheeseburger leaps out in front
of the pack. Negative. Leaving Baconator and
Son of Baconator slightly behind while Baconator
Fries falls to last place. Baconator Fries, pick
it up. What are you doing? I will make you into
Baconator. I will eat you tonight. No, I will
not wait that long. I will eat you immediately
after this. Coming around the final curve, Baconator
stays strong and continues to take the lead while
Son of Baconator and Junior Bacon Cheeseburger
follow him up just in second while Baconator
Fries falls further behind, coming in fourth
place, making the winner of the pig races Baconator.
Followed closely behind by son of Baconator and
Junior Bacon Cheeseburger. Dang. Darn it. It
seems like you all lost. Baconator Fries, you
betrayed us. Baconator Fries started out so strong
rolling a four and then rolled a one and a one
and a one. So you all lose all your money, right?
I had 15. I bet five. So I have 10 left. I have
14 left. Raekwon's back to one. One. Still actually
better than he was doing. Before he came into
the game. I do want... How's that nugget I got
at exchange? Oh, that's a good point. How much
trouble do you guys think we'll get into if I
kill that pig right now? Probably a lot. I mean...
Sir, we need to take this... We gotta test this
pig for PEDs. Trillbow Bacon runs up as you guys
try to get one of his pigs. Start smacking your
hand. Stop it, stop it. These are my pigs, and
they won fair and square. They race very hard.
Master Chilbo, how much for Bacon Eater Fries?
Bacon Eater Fries? One of my favorite little
piggies? 50 gold pieces. Yes, and what about
my discount for being from the clan of the Bacon
Eater Fries? Well, as... Oh, well and good as
that is, that makes no difference. How much is
the discount for not repeatedly smacking with
these spatulas? Oh, oh, sir, any more aggressive
acts like that and I will get the guards. We
are the guards now. Where's the queen? All right,
fine. Start shoving his pigs into a cage. Put
those pigs right into a blanket. All right, guys.
We shouldn't intimidate the proprietor here before
we go have our meeting with the queen. That's
a bad look. We'll be back, Mr. Bacon. Goodbye,
pig man. Goodbye. Please don't come back. But
what if we just want to gamble more? Can we come
back then? Yes. Okay. We will see you again,
Mr. Pig Man. It's Chilbo. Chilbo Bacons. Goodbye,
Mr. Bacons. Goodbye, Mr. Fry. Oh, that sounds
nice. I want to go by Mr. Fry more often. We'll
think about it, Spud. Mr. Never Frozen Baby Fry.
Mr. Spud Bud Never Frozen Baby Fry. Or we could
just cut it right to the end and call me Baby
Fry. Mr. Baby Fry. As you guys are standing around,
you hear the man that's sitting at a large barrel
table begin to call your way. Hey, you looking
to gamble a bit more? Is my beef always fresh?
You tell me. Is your coin always gold? As far
as you're concerned, yes. Well, then come on
over here. Win some more. Sure. What kind of
game do you have running over here? It's called
4 for 4. It's a good dice game. Well, we know
that dice always, you know, treat us well, so
let's give it a shot. We are on a hot streak
of losing. Well, now is the time to turn your
luck around. The game is played by going 4 for
4. A full 16 is the best set of rolls that you
can get and is an automatic winner. This is played
similarly to Texas Hold 'em. There are four rounds.
During each round, a player will roll 1d4, keeping
their numbers a secret until the last hand. Getting
all threes is the second highest roll, all twos
is the third biggest, and all ones is the fourth
biggest. If no one swept their rolls, the person
with the highest sum total wins the pot. Is this
betting against our friends? It will be, yes.
So if you wish to join, it'll be one gold or
more. Well, actually, it's a one gold buy -in,
and then you're going to bet each round. And
it's just against my party members? Is this guy
putting in gold also? Oh, I'll be playing as
well. Is each dice roll another gold we have
to pay? At least one. So we've got to bet. So
it's like the pot, and then you bet, bet, bet,
bet. Yes. And you have to bet. You don't have
to bet? You can go zero? You'll have to bet.
So we have to do at least five gold total to
play this game? Technically four. Four. One to
buy in. One after round two. You buy in for the
first one. You bet on two, three, and four. Yep.
So what do you say? No, I'm good. Yeah. Yeah,
I don't believe Raekwon can play anyways. Nope.
I'm also going to pass on this one. This sounds
very expansive. Very expensive, but very rewarding.
What do I win? What are the levels of winning?
You win the pot? See, but that's where my problem
comes in. If it's going to be the four of us
playing, we're kind of all on the same team here.
Well, I'll be pitching in money as well. I mean,
you may come ahead. Twice as many chances to
beat me as I do you. Oh, I have an idea. I will
play him first. And then you can play him after
I take some of his money. Or you can win some
of my money back if I lose. Okay, we can try
this. I will try first, Mr. 444. Excellent. Anybody
else want to play? And he shouts around the crowd,
seeing if he can drum up any other. Please, as
many NPCs as possible for me to steal money from.
Two other people sit down at the table. Yes,
I will call you Mr. Man and you Mrs. Lady. There
you go, Dean. DM, I helped you out there with
some names. Mr. Man and Mrs. Lady. Mr. Lady looks
at you, and she's got long, flowing hair. And
she's like, I don't know if I do take offense
to it, but maybe I do. And Mrs. Lady... who has
a short bowl cut, says, I definitely do. I'm
clearly a man. Oh, that is very nice for you.
It is just names. Do not feel bad. I do feel
bad, and I'm going to steal all your money. And
he sits down, and he turns his red hat with some
strange letters around and puts it on backwards
to show how aggressive he now is. Okay. It says,
make fresh Tovia great again. It's a trucker
cap, for sure. Snapback, all right. Okay. Is
it a winner -take -all game? Now there's two
other NPCs in, should I jump in too? It is a
winner -take -all game. I'm not going to jump
in then. So you'll keep your rolls a secret?
Oh, I don't have to. You know what I'm rolling
over here. The other NPCs shouldn't know what
you're rolling. I've got three people to roll
for over here. Yeah. Mr. Man. Okay, so. This
is the lady. Hold on. I need to label things,
Tim. And game guy. Just call him host. Hey, chief.
All right. Chief. First D4s in the books. Time
for the second round. So go ahead and roll a
second. The host looks around greedily and adds
two gold to the pot. Mr. Man throws in three
as well as Mrs. Lady. So they're actually putting
more money in the pot right now because they
could potentially have runs or quads, four of
a kind. Four of a kind or maybe the highest numbers.
You're not sure. Or they could be trying to just
freak you out. Yeah. P .S. You'll need to put
in at least one. Strike. Fumble. Fumble that
gold onto the table, my dear friend. Here is
one gold. The host throws another gold coin into
the center, as well as Mr. Man and Mrs. Lady
throws two gold into the pot. Do we just roll
our third numbers? Yep, roll your third. Sorry.
No worries. I'll go with the bare minimum of
one again. All right, final rolls. The host,
as well as both other NPCs, each throw one coin.
Into the pot. What do you do? I throw in three.
All right. Well, time to reveal the results,
I suppose. I ain't got nothing. And the host
shows that he got three ones and a three for
a total of just six. I thought we were going
for... All right. I got three ones and a two,
which the Texas Hold 'em rules are pretty...
All right. You would have had to get four. four
in a row to have the fourth highest so you would
have won all three ones other than that it's
or all four ones other than that it's the highest
score so after that mr man reveals her hand uh
she had a total of 10 and mrs lady reveals that
he got two fours a two and a one taking the pot
with 11 uh so you lose your four gold and he
walks away with 15 more gold than he bet I gave
seven of those, so that's great. Can I try to
bump into these people and try to pick their
pockets? You're going to pick their pockets?
I mean, amid all the excitement, they're taking
their winnings in. I'm like, oh, bump. Yeah,
what's the most applicable stat? Grace? Oh, yeah,
Grace. Oh, yeah, Grace. All right. Which one
are you trying to run into? Whichever one is,
like, scraping the pot. Mrs. Lady. Mrs. Lady.
All right. Mrs. Lady, as he turns his hat back
around so that the brim's covering his eyes,
you come in and fumble yourself into the table.
Go ahead and make me a grace check. We'll call
it a 15. That's a 19. All right. Do you want
to try to be conservative or risky? Conservative.
Roll 1d4? Would risky just be a higher die, like
a larger die roll? It is, but there's... I got
a 1. You managed to grab one coin off the table.
Darn. Here you go, Spidey. This is all I can
get. Oh, thank you. We should see the Hammer
Man again. He just gives it away. You don't want
to just give your money back. It's a win or a
draw. I mean, none of us rolled so low. Maybe
there is something where he'll keep it. Demands
more. He rolled a one. He's like, I gotta cough
up some more. That's five gold. What are you
guys up to? I want to go see the Hammer Man again
before I go to Candy Smith. So the... Hammer
Man is now sitting with his large hammer pants
on a tall stool, looking out into the crowd,
just kind of whistling to himself. Hello. Excuse
me. Jeez. Welcome back, my frozen, never frozen
baby. It is good to be here. I would like to
use your hammer one more time. Excellent. We're
doing a double or nothing round right now because
you are a winner. Okay. Two gold coins. Beat
your score from before, or I'm going to keep
them both. Ah, you have a great day, Mr. Man.
I will. And he tosses a coin up and catches it
in his pocket. It looks very cool. I think that's
his last coin, guys. When you say that, he kind
of like takes his foot and kicks something under
the table and you hear just an enormous sack
of gold coins jingling underneath it. Oh. We
must get under this floor. There is a big bag
of gold coins under there. Let's go see Queen
Wendy first. Then maybe she will provide us with
some gold. Or weapons. Oh, yeah. We'll see the
queen, and then we can come back to the candy
smith. Sandwich smith. The utensilary. The sugar
shack? The man with the weapons. Or woman. The
snack smith? I think it was... No, I think it
was snack smith, yeah. It is the smith. Yeah,
it is the snack smith. We're off to see the queen.
Those games were difficult, guys. Our pig didn't
do good. Neither of them. We had papers and odds
there. It's all fixed. I need to stop gambling.
You guys want to bet on what Queen Wendy has
to tell us? Good news, bad news. I'll take good
news, which is the over. I'm just repeating things
I've heard on TV. I don't know anything about
betting. So stupid when it comes to this. I'll
bet you one gold coin she has red hair. Ooh.
I will bet you one gold coin that she says, off
with their heads. Not necessarily about us. I
bet you one gold coin she shrieks when she sees
you. Well, she shrieks with excitement. With
excitement, yes. Just don't lick yourself. You
know I'm working on that. As you guys move towards
the castle, the guards lead you into the gates
of the inner city towards the keep. The castle
sits atop a hill in the center of the capital
city of Freshtovia. It is beautifully constructed,
with tall, square towers reaching toward the
sky on either end. There are rose bushes lining
the walkway leading up to the front gate. Two
large wooden doors, rounded at the top, form
a semicircle that open outward when welcoming
guests. When you get there, Queen Wendy sits
on the throne. You've seen pictures of her all
your lives, even caught a distant glimpse of
her during the speech. But being in her presence
is a different experience altogether. She is
wearing a tiara decorated in a fashion that celebrates
her favorite treat, the frosty. The top resembles
the curl of a frosty that has been poured to
perfection. Though this is her 50th year ruling
over Freshtovia, Queen Wendy still radiates a
youthful exuberance. It's almost as if she never
ages, trapped in a time like a character from
a logo. Her hair is a vibrant red, pulled back
into her trademark pigtails. Each is tied with
a light blue bow. Her gown is flowing and gorgeous,
a design of light blue and white colors that
highlight her fair complexion and bring out her
unique... arrangement of freckles. Queen Wendy
welcomes the party to her home and stands to
greet them. I've been told that you are the heroes
who silently dealt with our problem in the forest.
Hunger has been one of our most consistent foes,
but all it takes is one good snack to keep it
at bay. Unfortunately, that is not why I have
invited you here today. And she looks at the
three of you. I suspect you know about the deep
freeze. Why the ice jester continues down this
foolish path of freezing and ruining everything
in sight is beyond me. I have attempted to reach
out, even being sassy with him. I figured a clown
might respond to that. But unfortunately, here
we are, in a world where a clown continues to
make the entire land suffer his nonsense. The
real problem is his billions of frozen just haven't
been enough for him. He's seen his band of frozen
goons all around Beef's Keep in an attempt to
freeze all of our beef. Turns out they don't
much like the fact that we continue to stand
in defiance of the deep freeze. Our latest intel
from the heroes of Fort Baconator brings news
that requires immediate action. I would send
the heroes of the fort, but they are much further
away and may not make it in time. Some agents
of the United Clown Nations, apparently, are
planning to target a huge supply chain coming
through the Frosty Canyon, right near Freeze
Style Falls, due south of here. Follow the road
to the Frosty Canyon village, and my good friend
Prince Carter will be waiting for you to help
guide you to the location, and hopefully cut
these fools off at the pass. We will be ready
for their assault. They don't call me the Clapback
Queen for nothing. But please, do enjoy the feast
tonight, along with the rest of the festivities.
Try your hand at some gambling. And if you accept
this quest, then tomorrow I will be in debt to
you. Queen Wendy then has an attendant come over
and gives the party 50 gold coins. I have also
booked a room for you at the inn. Have a pleasant
night. And she retreats to her chambers. Thank
you, Your Majesty. Thank you. Queen Wendy in
the flesh. That was quite amazing. It was. In
the fresh flesh. Did you see how she was looking
at me? She will eat me one day, as I am meant
to be eaten. I was going over my bio. It says,
goal, be consumed by the almighty one day. Oh,
my gosh. I guess I wrote that at the beginning
of character creation here. All right. We'll
have to see how that one gets accomplished. With
how I look? Easily. You got this, bud. I saw
her giving you the eyes. And the mouth starting
to water a little bit. I am some tasty fries.
With this salt, I will dry her mouth right up.
As you guys depart... throne room and head back
towards the city. The sun has set, but the party
is at an all -time high. The people of Fresh
Tovia are singing along with the bards who are
playing the classic tunes of Queen Wendy herself.
Tunes like Rest in Grease and Twitter Fingers,
which are beloved throughout the land. A mighty
feast has been prepared and the party is more
than welcome to partake in as much as they'd
like. All of their favorite Wendy's items, both
past and present. are at the feast. All the vendors
and games are also still open. I really, really
enjoy gambling, but I just don't know if it's
the right choice with our 50 gold. We gotta spend
that wisely. I would like to replace these toothpicks
with something heavier. Yeah, we need some better
weapons and maybe some provisions and aids of
sorts. Provisions and weapons, I'm good. I think
I'm okay on the aids. Yeah, definitely want to
go to the Snacksmith for some weapon upgrade
here. All right, you get to the Snacksmith, who's
presiding over his forge, although you don't
hear it clanging at the moment. His name is Chili
Cheese, and he's ready to sell. There's only
one problem. He's sold out of the special stuff.
But I do still have armor and weapons and the
standard items. I should get more special things
in soon, but due to the revelries and the amount
of gold that's being thrown around, a lot of
it has already been bought up. Well, as a proprietor
of this Snacksmith here, I have a question for
you before we look at any of your wares. I was
bestowed this spatula from the mighty statue
of Dave. Is there anything you can tell me about
it? I seem to think it is just like my other
spatula that I got before. But my friend Spud
over here says that it's got something a little
different. You hand him Dave's spatula, and almost
immediately he begins to shudder, and a tear
comes to his eye, and he looks at you and says,
This... This spatula came from the statue into
your hands. More or less, yeah. His lip quivers
as he holds, and he brings it close to his heart.
This is Dave's never -frozen spatula. You've
been bestowed a mighty gift, my friend. How mighty?
I mean, the spatula by itself is already great.
When you are facing down the frozen foes, This
spatula will leap to life. An orange flame will
consume it, but fear not! It will do no damage
to you. But it will do more against those ice
foes. 1d6 heat damage additionally, if you were
to try to quantify such a thing in terms that
people may understand who are listening. Oh my.
That is wonderful news. Quite. I would buy it
from you if you were looking to part with it.
Well, I mean, if you were willing to part with
like 200 gold, 250 gold. 500. Things are kind
of expensive. Yeah, I'm trying to look back and
see. The spatula, regular spatula is normally
30 gold. So I feel like 250 is not super extravagant
for a... legendary item of Dave's. But also,
I can't use magic items, so if we don't sell
it, it's one of your guys. I have to consult
with my group, but the price we think is fair
is around 250 gold. The most that I could possibly
part with is 150. Good sir, it is all I have.
Allow us just a moment. We are in need of weapons.
We had a very... tumultuous time in the french
fry forest we are armed with uh spoons and knives
and toothpicks that do very very little damage
to the the mighty foes of hunger we've faced
yes please please and i will just hold it for
a moment longer but please do not fear i will
stand right here not even out of your sight and
he basically openly weeps onto the spatula so
what kind of arms are you guys looking at um
I feel like selling it, we can get more stuff
for all of us. I would. Just having the one.
I would love to get a paring knife. Paring knife.
It's 45 gold, 1d12, graceful. I can throw it
60 feet, so best of all worlds. So I think we'll
sell it then. That would be rad. All right, guys.
I think that we should definitely sell the spatula.
It'll give us a larger sum. to gear up for this
next fight, and I would feel better with the
spatula of Dave staying here in the town with
this man who seems to know exactly what he's
holding. I agree. I like that. You should make
one of those deals where he has to keep it X
amount of time. If you come back and he still
has it and you want to buy it, you get the same
price. I can't use magic items. I think we'll
work that into the deal. Yeah, what if we find
another snack shack? You know, we can get it
back from this guy and go sell it to him for
a hundred more. That's true. That's a good idea.
So I'm thinking... Definitely keep your receipt.
I can go back in and just get it. I'm like, oh,
I forgot to pick up. You guys never gave me fries.
All right, sir. We were discussing it, and I
think we are going to... And you want it back?
No, I think that it's in much better hands if
you take it. We have a... A great mission from
Queen Wendy that requires us to armor up and
weapon up some more. And I have in the past been
quite clumsy with my own spatula, and I would
hate to toss Dave's off into the woods. That
is just magnificent news. And he knocks a spatula
that he has on a plaque clear off the wall and
makes space and sets Dave's never -frozen spatula
on this plaque instead, right behind his desk.
Or table. Then he produces three large sacks
of gold coins and sets them on the table in front
of you. 150. Just as we had agreed. Well, I think
instead of the gold, we're actually going to
be taking two paring knives and a cast iron skillet.
He said 250 originally. You had him at 250. Gold.
I requested 250, but he said he could only...
He pulled out every last scrap of gold he has.
And he only had the 150. But maybe he'll throw
in an extra armor. We'll see what happens. What
is your armor looking like, Spud? Do you not
notice my impressive red polo and black visor?
I forgot you were wearing that. He pulls the
coins back off the table and sets them underneath
where you can't see them and then produces two
paring knives, a cast iron skillet, and then
presses five gold coins back onto the table.
Fair is fair. Here's the difference. You had
mentioned some armor. I do have plenty of different
types. We're still in the... The discussion phase
of the armor. Well, discuss away. I will be right
here. Whenever. Anytime for you, gentlemen. I
can't express my gratitude deeply enough. So,
Dave, are you going to buy some new armor? I
am. I'm going to buy the bacon armor. That's
25 gold. And that's heavy and gives me plus three
defense. And then I have clamshell armor, which
is a medium armor of plus two defense that I
can give to one of you gentlemen. I have four
coin that I can contribute. You got 50, no? Oh,
we got 50 each? I thought it was 50 for all three
of us. It was for all three. 50 between us. Yes.
Okay. So from the 200, now we're down to 55.
And then what did it say? It was 25? Yep. So
then there's 30 left. Plus I have 14 I can kick
into that, so. 44 total. You guys do also have
the golden nuggies. Oh, that's true. I got one
nug. Oh, yeah. How much are those worth? Are
there jewelers or is this? Ask him if he's. Excuse
me, sir, while we are working the math here.
Do you know where we can get a proper amount
of gold coin for these nuggets? As you hold up
one of the gold nuggets, his eyes get a little
wide. Oh, those are very special indeed. I would
give you 20 gold pieces for any golden nuggets.
Oh. Oh, that is great news. Thank you. Is there
a jeweler or a bank that I should bring us through
for a higher price? I'm going to give you the
highest price that I have found. I think that
me and the general goods store are pretty aligned
on the price, although fairness is my name. So
if you wish to go check elsewhere, I will not
hold you from doing so. Thank you, fairness.
Who's got the highest charisma score? My charm
is 8. So not you, probably. My charm is 14 plus
2. Yeah, mine's a base of 9. Spuddy, why don't
you go ahead and make me a charm roll? Quick.
And let's try to beat a 12. 14 plus 2, 16. But
in fairness, because I am all about fairness.
Those nuggets have a second special property,
if you wish. If you dip them in the Sawsome Fountain,
they can act... What are the right terms? I guess
if I was to formulate this in some sort of gamified
system, they could act as a health potion, so
to speak, that you could take on your adventures
with you. Oh, man, that's got... I'll take you
up on that deal. Okay, good. Dip yours in the
fountain. I mean, I'm getting plus one defense.
I feel like that's pretty good. It's just added
on after anyway. It's not like it makes my defense
any better. That would be far superior. You mean
the nugget? No, like the armor. I have a plus
one bonus on my defense because of the red polo.
If I went up, I could have two. You know, if
I roll a six, it doesn't matter. It's not going
to make it an eight. I said cast iron skillet,
I think, but I meant frying pan. Oh, your frying
pan. Oh. The cast iron skillet is two -handed.
It is indeed. Well, the frying pan is one -handed.
Yeah. So now you have a frying pan, a spatula,
and two paring knives. They have the paring knives.
As a party, you have two paring knives, a spatula,
a spoon, a knife, and a frying pan. And I still
have some toothpicks. And you still have the
toothpicks. Are you upgrading your armor or are
you taking Dave's old armor? Oh, I was figuring
you would take the armor. Okay. I have a higher
HP, so I'm just going to hang out with the red
polo. I'd rather... See what happens when I dip
that nugget rather than get 20 gold from it.
I feel whatever bonus thing can happen from there
is going to be a higher value to me. As you request
the bacon armor, Chili Cheese climbs around the
table and measures you and helps strap on your
new armor, Dave. And being the friendly gentleman
that he is, Raekwon, he also fits the clamshell
armor that Dave used to have onto you. making
it nice and snug, and it gives you a hearty pat
on the back. Thanks, Chili Dog. So there's 35
gold left from the 50 that the queen gave us
and the 150 from the spatula. Do you want an
armor upgrade? Can you, like, does that work
for you? Yeah, I mean, I have, I'll spend my
last four coin on it. I don't think I have anything
else I would need to, so I can put that toward
it. Yes, probably, what, oven plating? Yeah,
I mean, if you can use the oven plating. That
would still leave ten gold left from the not
gold that we had before. So you're going to take
oven plating? Yeah, yeah. Let's see if he'll
buy back your visor. Oh, yeah. Then you can keep
the other ten gold, or you can keep the ten gold.
Whoever wants the ten gold, I'm not writing it
on mine. I imagine the oven plating will just
fit right over my red polo. And then I get a
plus three. That's not how that'll work. Yes,
Mr. Fairness, do you think that you would buy
this red polo and black visor? You follow his
eyes as he looks down towards a box, a crate
that's on the ground, and it is filled with red
polos and black visors. I just don't see myself
being able to give you the amount of gold that
such a thing could fetch you elsewhere. Well,
that is very generous. Thank you. Of course.
I am nothing if not fair. I'm just going to drop
my fresh baked bun on the ground or in the box
or something. I'm like, you can just have this.
Well, excellent. Thank you, friends. Thank you,
Chili Dog. Every time you call him Chili Dog,
his eyes light up a little bit more. Go ahead
and make me a charisma roll. Okay. You got it,
Chili Dog. With advantage. Oh, great. Matt won.
Not great, not great. Seven? Not great. Don't
forget, you do have luck points. They will continue
to carry. And he smiles as he takes your bun
and plops five gold pieces down on the counter.
Damn, go ahead, more. And he kind of props the
bun up in a corner amongst several others. Thanks,
Chili Dog. That was very kind of you. Of course,
my friends, of course. All right, guys, what
do you say? Should we go off to the Sawsome Fountain?
Yeah. Yes, I want to get you some nugget dipping.
Is there, Mr. Chili Dog, is there a difference
in the effects depending on which part of the
Sawsome Fountain we dip our nuggets into? I've
never heard that there has been. It has never
been my experience. All right. Well, we have
four, so we can dip it into each section. Yeah.
Most excellent. Science time. We will return
at some point to admire the spatula. It shall
be here until the end of my days. It better.
It'll make Dave proud. You should still hold
on to that receipt. Let's go to the fountain.
Thanks, Joe. Come again sometime. We'll be back
after our adventure. I shall be here, hopefully.
I'm going to dip my two nuggets into the one
in the ketchup and one in the ranch. I'm going
to go straight for barbecue. And I'll take what's
left. Honey mustard. That's a good one. I forgot
it was honey mustard. I thought it was the other
one. Everybody roll me a d20. Connor, roll me
two d20, please. No, I hope it's not based on
the way that that came out. Same. Got a 12 and
a 14. You roll the two. I got a three. Okay.
Dave, as you dip two nuggets in, the one in your
right hand, what are the two sauces you dipped
it in? Ketchup and ranch. As you dip the one
into ranch, it's the first nugget that's into
the sauce and fountain. Suddenly... You feel
it morph and change in your hand. Right after
that, the one in ketchup seems to change, but
it does feel different. Right after that, your
two companions dip theirs into honey mustard
and barbecue as well. As you pull the left -handed
one out that was dipped in the ketchup, similar
to your friend's, it is now turned into an almost
regular nugget that will provide you with 1d4
health that you can use during a battle, or any
time, really, that you need health. However,
the one in your right hand, as you pull that
out, you notice that it is still gold. But as
you continue to pull it out of the fountain,
it has a long, strange stem that, once it's completely
pulled out, resembles a key. Oh, my. Whoa. What
am I going to do with this? What do you think
this key unlocks, guys? Well, I'm sure we'll
find something. Should I bite it? Yes, he was
real. It breaks off in your throat, and you choke
death. I hope it is to Wendy's kitchen where
I will put myself on her plate. There you go.
I was Wendy's kitchen, too, so I put her on my
plate. Oh, boy. All right. That's all that happens
here at the fountain. I just dip everything else
I have into the fountain. What happened to ours?
Yours did the same thing as his. Oh, were the
health ones? Yes. Oh, okay. I thought there was
just a gold nugget with sauce on it now. We rolled
so low. No, I was just seeing which one went
in first with those rolls. No, bronze nugget.
Oh. So it's 1d4? Yes. Okay. It works as a 1d4
health potion. I don't remember where the queen
said we had to go to intercept these guys. Not
a clue. Before all that, because it's nighttime,
she did get you a room at the inn. All right.
Well, I am quite tired. We should check out this
room that was furnished by the queen. Kind of
rude that it's in the inn, not in the castle,
but, you know. We're working our way up. Yeah,
yeah, yeah. Get in her good graces. And then
we can get into her belly. That's going to be
creepy every time. So do you guys head towards
the inn? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The heart of
the festivities is in the inn. Gwen, the inn's
proprietor, is slinging strawberry lemonade and
telling jokes to all who can hear. The bards
are playing together, slightly out of rhythm
at this point, but with enough heart to compensate.
Gwen tells you that your room is ready and that
it's right up the stairs, the first door on the
right. Oh, yes, please show us the way, Gwen.
She stops in the middle of a joke and says, like
I said, up the stairs, first door on the right.
And she goes back to her joke. All right. And
that's why they call them pancakes. I'm going
to try my luck at finding the room. You find
it. There's no luck needed. It is directly up
the stairs and to the right. There is no tomfoolery
or misdirection in her. All right. I'm going
to enter it and check it out. There are three
beds. Nice. And a single window, a large wardrobe,
and a wooden floor. Cool. I'm going to hang out
my things and jump on the bed. Like a little
child. Jump, jump. Give me a grace roll. Oh,
God. Oh, no. It's an HP. That was really graceful.
Break the bed. You can't get any sleep. 17. You
managed to jump on the bed without breaking its
legs. You stop just in time when you hear a slight
crack, but it does not break. Goodness. Just
going to lay in bed. I'm pooped. Time to go to
sleep. Lay in bed and poop. Fry poop. What do
fries poop? More fries. That's like a big grease.
It would be a greasy mess. Yeah. Not fun. Not
fun. It's like a bird where like it's poop is
it's urine and it's poop all at one. It's all
of the substances. It's not really recognizable
to the human eye. It just kind of looks like
food that got thrown on the ground. I've seen
a few people eat my shit. Okay. And with that,
you all fall asleep. They will light a torch
very well. I should have remembered that in the
woods. I could have pooped on a stick. Save two
gold. Well, salty dreams, Dave. Trust Dave. It's
all the dreams, Raekwon. Thank you, Spuddy buddy.
Thank you. The same to you, Spud. Let's all get
some sleep. Good night, Dave. Good night, Spud.
Good night, John boy. You all sleep. The following
morning, the capital city is fairly quiet as
it recovers from an epic night of celebration.
The townsfolk begin settling back into their
everyday routines, and those who traveled for
the festivities pack up their things and embark
on their journey home. The vendors in the city
center are packing up and are no longer set up
to do business. The games have been taken down
as well. There are two roads leading directly
out of Freshtovia, the Eastern Road and the Southern
Road. Heading east leads to Dave's Double Hills,
and heading south will lead you to the Biggie
Vale and the Frosty Canyon. We will find out
which roads you guys choose to take on the next
episode, as that's going to do it for today's.
So until then, we will see you next, next Tuesday.
That's it for today's episode. We hope you've
enjoyed listening as much as we've enjoyed playing.
If you have, go run and tell all your friends
so that we can turn as many people into CritCats
as possible. Tales from the Crit is a Wolfbeard
Games audio podcast. And if you like us, please
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at Tales from the Crit Podcast. All right. Bye
-bye. After that, I think that's all the... Oh
shit, sorry. It just came out of nowhere. Was
that some foley action over there?