Welcome to Tales from the Crit Season 3. Bigger,
badder, and stickier. By joining us today, you
have been officially upgraded to Crit Cat status.
So, welcome to the club. Tales from the Crit
is an actual play podcast where we focus on smaller
story arcs from some of your favorite RPGs, as
well as some of the less known or obscure ones.
We also play some highly narrative tabletop board
games and also some micro RPGs. All of those
feature a revolving cast of players, so you're
going to see a lot of variety there. And as always,
I am your host and your Crit Keeper, Riley Groves.
We're so glad to have you here with us today.
Now let's get into the episode. Content warnings
can be found in the description. Welcome back
to Tales from the Crit. I am the Crit Keeper,
and I have a very special episode today. We all
have a very special episode to bring to everybody
today. And at the table, I have Rebecca. Hello.
Smriti. Hello. Connor. Hey, hey. Tim. Howdy.
Renee. Hello. Derek. Hello. Anna. Hey there.
AK. What's good? And Mike. Hi. Smriti and AK,
welcome to the podcast for the first time. We're
so glad to have you guys here. Thanks for having
me, man. Of course. One of you is probably going
to end up being a murderer tonight. And I've
got my eye on Smriti. Thank you. Yeah. All right.
So, yeah, we are going to be playing another
murder mystery game. Welcome. Nope. This is a
live game. Wow. So you're going to get a lot
of pauses and weird noises. Probably by all of
us. We're going to try to keep down the knocks,
pings and clatters, clatters, clattering, anything
like that. We're going to try to keep that to
a minimum. But if that's not your jam, feel free
to join a different episode. But if you want
to stick in and hear our murder mystery playthrough
of the Champagne murder here on Halloween night,
we are happy to have you with us. So we're going
to go ahead and get started. This game is, like
I said, the Champagne Murder by University Games.
Same company, same format as we did last year
on the podcast. So before we introduce our characters,
we're going to play a little video that comes
with it to introduce this mystery. I must have
a clue, and I'm a secret agent man, you know.
Now, I don't like to get heavy, but this is like
heavy. Lord Michael Jaggard, he was our host
this evening, yeah? Well, he's dead. Uh -huh.
Just found him upstairs in his bedroom. He's
dead, definitely dead. He's like death of Dalek,
David. Let me tell you everything. He's been
dead for like an hour, and he's lying on the
floor, right? And he's got all his clothes on.
There's a bottle of champagne lying there. It's
built everywhere, it is. But it's not the bubbles
that killed him, because there's a glass on the
table that's like bone dry. So what killed him,
right? I don't know. It's kind of freaky. Pretty
suspicious, don't you think? The windows on both
sides of the room are, like, wide open. But this
is the second floor. No one could have got up
there. I don't know what's happening, but I think
you all ought to stay here while I look into
things. Especially you, baby. I had a look into
you. Yeah, you can help me with my inquiries
any time. Yeah, so anyway, I had a look through
Lord Michael's papers and there's no suicide
note. He's not the kind of cat who'd want to
kill himself anyway. Oh, I did find a couple
of carbon copies of some letters he'd written.
I'll leave them with you till when I get back.
I'm missing you already, baby. All right. Well,
that was something. Cool. So let's go ahead and
start the introductory round. I believe Miss
Bucktooth goes first. Oh, my God. This is simply
awful. Poor Michael's dead. What will the papers
say? The Bounder dragged me into it. They always
do. I'm Tara Farrah Bucktooth, by the way. But
of course, you all know that. Everyone knows
me. It's the price I pay for living in the public
eye. Lord Michael was my friend, you know, my
very special friend. We were, well, let's just
say we were friends. Oh, you and your English
coyness. We all know, my darling, what you were
doing to Lord Michael, and I know better than
anyone. He was once my boyfriend, remember? I'm
Mary Jane Faithless, a teller of tales, a singer
of songs, a chanchouse, if you will. I write
the songs that make the whole world cry. And
yes, I knew Lord Michael very well, and this
is very shocking, but maybe not so surprising.
After all, what if you play with fire? Hey, right
there, lady. If you play with fire, you're gonna
get bitten. And maybe you bit off more than you
can play with, if you know what I mean. I'm Champagne
Charlie Bunsen. I'm what you call an entrepreneur.
You can call me Charlie if you like. Just make
sure you show some respect. You meant the missus?
This is Babs. Bless you, sweetie, but I'm not
your missus. Not yet. I'm Babs. Babs Crayfish.
People say I'm the life of the party, but that's
just because I tell a joke or two. Really? I'm
an actress? Well, I'm nearly an actress. I'll
be an actress soon. I didn't know Lord Michael
Jagat. You know, but I'm sure he was a charming
man. He had such exquisite tastes. If you see
what I mean. Ha! Taste. Well, I suppose he had
money at any rate. Which is the same thing nowadays.
I'm Brian Sewer, and I worked for the man. Dreadful
little man he was. He owned the Evening Times.
I'm the wine critic for the paper. Also, for
my sins, I was trying to educate the man. Get
him to buy some decent wine for himself. It was
a waste of time. The man could have drowned in
a bottle of mumsy. but still wanted a drop of
the Lieben Frau milk. Well, you can tell his
lack of taste from this rubbish we're drinking
at the moment. Don't be so rude, Mr. Sewer. You
can't take a man's hospitality and insult him
for it. Not when he's dead. Anyway, you owe Lord
Michael Jagan everything. He made your career,
he did. I know, because he made mine as well.
You probably read that piece in the Evening Times.
Wiggy, the most famous model in the world. That's
me, that is. I think it's all very tragic. It's
like one of them Greek plays, isn't it? Only
not in Greek. Who else hasn't introduced themselves
yet? Well, I don't need any introductions. I'm
Oliver Steed, actor, I tell you. I'm feeling
pretty cut up about all this. He was a diamond.
Lord Michael was a prince among mice. Not a lot
of people knew him. Not like I knew him. God,
I could tell you some stories. I remember one
time we were coming out of the Bag O' Nuts with
a couple of Russian chicks. Big girls they were.
And he said to me, Oh, hi, baby. How are you?
I'm Kitty Killer, and I'm grateful if you could
take your hands off of me. Thank you. Yes, I'm
Kitty Killer, and you know, sometimes it seems
that I'm the only journalist in the country who
didn't work for Lord Michael. But I did know
him. In fact, I've been writing a biography of
him. Not an authorized biography, you understand.
And this weekend was the first time I'd met him.
A fascinating man. A man of mystery. I wonder
whether the publishers are going to want their
advance back? Oh, baby, yeah. I'll tell you what.
If you're going to write about Lord Michael,
I've got some smashing photos. I mean, I wouldn't
have used them while he was alive. They're a
bit candid, you know. But it can't do any harm
now, can it? Go on, work with me, baby. I'll
do you a good deal on the snaps. I'm Terrence
Shrimp, by the way. I'm a photographer. No? I'm
not. I'm more than that. I'm an artist. That's
what I am. I'm an artist, and the camera is my
tool. And what rough beasts its hour comes at
last. Sloss towards Chelsea to be born. I am
Martin X. Ah, I see you know the name, and you
know that I speak the truth. This is the moment
I have prophesied. The dogs of anarchy have slipped
their leashes. Members of the British aristocracy
lay fallen in a pool of champagne. And like the
Roman, I see the Tiber foaming with the blood
of the ruling class. It's time. They are changing.
And just to mention, my book, Get Off of My Cloud,
is available from all bookstores. Price, 12 shillings
and six pence. Mars. All right. That's everybody,
right? That's everybody. Perfect. All right.
From there, we're going to move into the first
dialogue, which is the start of round one. So
I believe Charlie is going to be kicking that
off for us. It's a live episode, man. Go ahead
and cough. Let it rip. Let it rip. Yeah. One
take. Yeah, it was the McLugies that saying that
one of us killed Lord Michael Jagged. If I take
his insinuation correctly. I think that's precisely
what he's suggesting. Yeah, but he can't do that.
I'm a respectable businessman. I am. I'm an upstanding
member of society. If he accuses me again, I'll
rip his throat out and make him eat it. How?
He won't be able to swallow if he hasn't got
a throat. I don't care. I'm Champagne Charlie.
And I'll kill anyone who calls me a killer. Get
a grip of... Get a grip on yourself, darling.
Mr. McClure wasn't accusing you, not in particular.
Anyway, there may not be anything to accuse anyone
of. That's true. Lord Michael might have killed
himself. He wouldn't have done that. I knew him
better than anyone. He was like a brother to
me, like a blood brother. And I'm telling you,
he would not have killed himself. All right,
keep your hair on. I was only saying. Maybe he
just had a massive heart attack then. Maybe he
strained himself opening this cheap bottle of
sparkling wine. Stop being beastly, all of you.
Poor Lord Michael's dead. I don't think I'll
ever get over it. Oh, give it a rest. You're
not fooling anyone by pretending to be upset
by the death of that appalling little man. How
could you be so mean about Lord Michael in front
of me? I didn't know it was your turn. Stop it.
Both of you, if you're stuck here together, we
might as well make the best of it. That imbecile
McGue gave a letter here, and I want to have
a look at it. Martin. Sorry. You're wasting your
time, you know. We're doomed. Doomed! You should
read a book. I can't get no satisfaction. It's
all in there. This is the end. My only friend.
The end. Alright, I've got a couple clues to
pass out here. This is for Kitty Killer. And
Babs Crayfish. Secret clues for just used to's.
I've got a letter from Lord Michael Jagan. to
his solicitor suggesting that Mary Jane, faithless,
is about to be written out of his will. How much
money was he likely to lose as a result? Enough
to make it worth killing him before he could
change his will? Hmm. Okay. Processing. Yep.
What does your clue say? This is a letter from
Lord Michael to Brian. Damn it, man, you don't
say things like that about my wine cellar. Not
when I'm paying your wages. I don't want to see
you at evening times again. You're fired. Okay.
I suspect Mary Jane Faithless a lot more than
the wine cellar guy. I don't know, he's pretty
snobby. Sewer has been sacked by Lord Michael
Jagged. Why? Jagged wouldn't just fire a journalist
for a personal reason, surely? Lord Michael,
he did sack me. I didn't mention it earlier because
it's personal. And it's not relevant. The reason
given was... That I insulted his taste in wine.
Actually, there was more to it. But the most
harmless explanation is that he didn't have a
good taste in wine and he couldn't take it. Why
didn't you talk about this earlier? Like I said,
it had no bearing on it. But where were you when
he died? It's been over an hour at this point.
Yeah, where were you? You have an alibi, guy?
Come on. Charlie, do you have an alibi? You weren't
here either about an hour ago. Yes, if Lord Michael
died an hour ago, where was Terran Shrimp at
the time? Wiggy? Martin? Where were you? Do you
have an alibi? Lord Michael Jagat apparently
died about an hour or so ago, and I've spent
the last hour and a half in the billiard room
watching Oliver Steed and Terrence Shrimp playing
billiards. Martin was there as well, talking
about his books. Yeah, and I was up in the bedroom
with Babs Crayfish, so what? Oh. Being the most
notorious crime boss of our times, surely you
would know something about his death. What are
you talking about, lady? I ain't no crime boss.
I'm a businessman. Hmm. Likely story. And how
about you, Kitty? Where were you? We were all
playing billiards and they were upstairs. Where
were you when all this went down? I was actually
drinking champagne in the drawing room with Mary
Jane. I mean, you were writing a biography about
Lord Michael, and frankly, he's pretty boring.
So maybe you needed something to spice that up.
Kitty Killer is writing a biography on Lord Michael
Jaggard. It would be typical of modern capitalism
if she staged a sensational death to boost the
sales. Well, I know that Brian Sewer left to
have a bath about an hour and a half before dinner.
Plenty of time since Michael was only killed
an hour or so ago. If he did die an hour ago
or more... Where were you at the time? Do you
have an alibi? I was in the drawing room with
Mary Jane Faithless and Kitty Killer. Well, hey,
Shrimp, Steve, where were y 'all? I introduced
you guys to a woman. I know you have a shady
past. So where was you when this went down? As
we said before, we were playing billiards in
the billiard room. Martin and Wiggy were both
there. But what is Wiggy's connection to Lord
Michael? What are you even doing here? Lord Michael
Jagged has undoubtedly helped me with my career,
and his newspapers and magazines have promoted
me, and I'm very grateful for his help. That
is as much as I want to say about the man. Is
that all there is to your relationship? Just
a... he's a patron? That is all that I will say
about the man. Anyways, why are you looking at
me? Oliver Steed has a very dubious past and
he's been involved in some kind of shady practices.
What were they? What were your shady practices
before you became an actor, Oliver? And did they
involve Lord Michael Jagged? When I was younger,
I worked in some dubious nightclubs as a bouncer,
so what? Lord Michael Jaggard gave me a break
in movies, and he'll always have my debt. Interesting.
Speaking of who, why should I be here, what is
Martin X doing here? Did he know Lord Michael
Jaggard, and if so, from where? What's the connection?
I do not know. Lord Michael Jaggard, until I
landed in Britain. He allowed me to stay, he
invited me to stay here while I was promoting
my book, Streetfighting Man. That's the name
of your book, Streetfighting Man? That is the
name of one of my books, Streetfighting Man.
This one is only 15 shillings. Available at all
bookstores across London. What does he do? Just
beat up the streets? Makes no sense. Come on.
Street fighting, man. Come on, this guy. Get
a load of this guy. It's a book of self -realization
of growing up on the streets as a child. Oh,
Lord. What do you know about growing up on the
streets, guy? Ah, more than you would think.
Oh, interesting. We've heard a lot out of you.
Champagne, I'm curious to know what Babs Crayfish
has to say about this. You're involved with one
of the most notorious crime bosses of our times?
I am a businessman. I don't know anything about
if Charlie had a relationship with Lord Michael.
I don't pay attention to his business. But I
can tell you we were upstairs at the time that
we were upstairs in the bedroom when Champagne
Wait a second. I'm... Yep. Hold on. So you weren't
upstairs. Yeah, we were upstairs. We were. There's
nothing illegal about that. Don't do it. And
also, if Lord Michael was changing his will,
did, uh... Miss Bucktooth, know that it was going
to happen and you were trying to speed up the
inheritance? I'm sure it might look that way,
but I had no idea if he changed his will or not.
Speaking of changing his will, where were you
when he was killed? Probably killed Mary Jane
Faithless. What alibi do you have? I was drinking
champagne in the drawing room with Kitty Killer
and Brian Sewer and Tamara Farrah Bucktooth.
Although Sewer left. To take a bath about a half
an hour before dinner. Oh, there was champagne
next to the guy. Hmm. And Brian's looks pretty
dirty. Yep. I had a bath. There's nothing wrong
with wanting to freshen up before dinner. Does
anybody have anything else to read? I knew that
the change in the will was coming, but I found
out a while ago. Why would I have killed him
now? Yeah, I would just say that I had just met
him, and, you know, as he was not a very interesting
guy. He was a mediocre subject. So the sales
point, you know, I wouldn't make any more money
because the... The drama is gonna die to die
down soon. Hmm So you had to spice up the drama
of your story by killing him is that what you're
saying? Absolutely, no, there was no no interest
for me there Hmm well, I don't know who to suspect
hmm, so we'll return to Austin McClue to tell
us more about what we should expect suspect who
we should suspect More things. Okay, hold on.
I wear headphones. It just wants to. Well, hello.
Did you miss me, baby? Did you? Did you? Yeah,
I bet you did. So what have you found out? Well,
you found out where everyone was when Lord Michael
died. Terrence Shrimp and Oliver Steed were playing
billiards. And Martin X and Wiggy confirmed that.
Champagne, Charlie Bunsen, and Babs Crayfish
were upstairs. Bed. And Mary Jane Faithless,
Kitty Killer and Tamara Farrer Bucktooth were
in the drawing room. Drawing, presumably. And
Brian Sewell went upstairs for a bath. But that
was later. He was in the drawing room with the
others when Lord Michael was killed. Oh, yeah.
He was killed. We're definitely talking murder,
baby. Lord Michael was poisoned. And there's
traces of the poison on the champagne cork. So...
Who'd want to kill someone in a house like this?
Champagne Charlie, you're a naughty boy, aren't
you? And Lord Michael was right behind you when
you were being naughty, putting his money where
your mouth was. Yeah. And Terence Shrimp and
Oliver Steed, you used to work for the two of
them, so I guess that's why Lord Michael helped
your career so long. But why was he helping you,
Wiggy Baby? Why? Why, Baby? And you two, Mary
Jane Faithless and Tamara Farah Bucktooth, you're
just shameless. You're shameless. You just wanted
to get your hands on his boodle, his spondylex,
his lolly. That's not swinging, baby. What about
you, Brian Silver? Turns out that Lord Michael
didn't want you on his newspaper. Gave you the
old Chelsea boot, didn't he? Maybe you wanted
to kill him before anyone found out. Or... Maybe
Kitty Killer here wanted to kill him for boosting
the sales of her book. Hey, Kitty. Crazy name,
baby. I'll never forget her, Kitty. You could
sink your claws in me sometime. Yes. Oh, look,
I've got a split, baby. Oh, but before I go,
I've got something I really want to show you.
Oh, yeah. We've been investigating a guy called
Doctor Doctor. You heard of him? I bet some of
you have. Anyway, he's not the murderer because
he was in our custody at the time. But I think
he might be interested in hearing what I told
us when we were interrogating the cat. Be seeing
you. Is he a cat? Yeah, I think he's the agent.
Tell me all about yourself. Yeah, sorry. It goes
on. It's another. minute and 40 seconds long.
It's cool. I thought he was a radio DJ. Forgot
he was a cop. No, no. He is the very disgusting
inspector, apparently. He is. He is. He's making
everyone uncomfortable. As a woman, I'm very
uncomfortable. Yeah. Interrogating the cat. Be
seeing you. So, doctor. Tell me all about yourself.
My name is Dr. Doctor. I'm a therapist. You know
what this is? I heal the mind. I have many patients.
Famous people. Powerful people. People like Lord
Michael Jagged. Isn't he a patient of yours?
This is confidential. I do not have to answer
this. If it's sure you can, baby, I'm interrogating
you. And what about this letter you wrote to
him? What letter? The letter you wrote last week
about Babs Crayfish. Isn't she a patient of yours,
baby? Tja, Miss Crayfish is a patient of mine.
She consults me. So why were you writing to Jagat
about her? You said, leave her alone. Why did
you do that? That's so crooked. Tja, Lord Michael,
he is what you English call old gold. No. No,
he cannot keep hands to himself. Okay, yeah,
now I know. Yeah, yeah, you wanted that to yourself,
you old fox. No, this is incorrect. I'm therapist,
not boyfriend. Boyfriend is Charlie Bunsen. You
know Bunsen? He's not man to be on wrong side
of. Now you're talking. So you wrote to Jagger
to warn him about Bunsen. You two chaps go back
a long way, don't you? Yeah, Lord Michael is
old friend. Many years I have known him. You
take care of me, you hear? He's a powerful person.
He will not like it when you hurt me. Hurt you?
You caught me all wrong. I'm not going to hurt
you. I couldn't even hurt a fly. All right, so
that was largely unhelpful, I feel like. All
right, and we're going to jump into the beginning
of round two. So let's start out with the second
dialogue. So, Lord Michael was murdered after
all. Yeah, now that's the fat really in the frying
pan. Now the chickens are going to come home
to roast, you mark my words. Someone's going
to pay for this. Someone like you, perhaps. Sounds
like Dr. Doctor doesn't trust you for a start,
and you've never been afraid to bend the law
a bit when it helped your interests. Well, that's
just a pot going to kettle to kettle. You've
given a few people a slap before now. Not my
style, sweetheart. Poisoning's for pussies. Real
men don't do poison. What are you saying? That
it was Terrence Shrimp? Oh, get her! You're no
better than you ought to be, dearie. You've spent
the last six months with your nose in the gutter,
trying to sniff out some dirt. Are you referring
to the research I've been conducting for my biography
of Lord Michael? You call it what you like, dear.
I call it snooping. You've even been paid for
a private detective, didn't you? What did he
find out? I'm not at a liberty to reveal the
results of my research, but I'll tell you this.
I know all about what you've done, and it's not
very pretty, but it's Miss Faithless who intrigues
me. Really? You almost interest me. Yes. You
and Lord Michael splitting up must have been
very traumatic. It was him who left you, wasn't
it? Was it? Tell me more, tell me more. Did you
put up a fight? It's none of your business, and
it's got nothing to do with Lord Michael being
murdered. It's all ancient history. Well, I don't
know much about history, but I do know about
geography, and I think it's very suspicious that
Brian left us in that drawing room. And no one
can prove where he was before dinner. Lord Michael
was already dead by then, you bimbo. Why don't
you pay attention? Can we just get on with it?
The sooner I can get out of here, the better.
Yeah, let's move it on up and take it out to
the bridge. See if we can work it out before
it's too late. And now I have clues for Oliver
Steed, Mary Jane, and Terrence Schramm. Secret
Clues. The following is a re -reading of the
conversation we all just heard. Austin McClue.
So, Doctor, tell me all about yourself. Doctor,
Doctor. Yeah, my name is Doctor, Doctor. I am
therapist. You know what this is. I heal the
minds. I have many patients. Famous people. Powerful.
People. Austin McClue. Like Lord Michael Jagged.
He's one of your patients. Yeah. Dr. Doctor.
This is confidential. I cannot speak of this.
Austin McClue. Oh, but, baby, you gotta answer
my questions. I'm, like, interrogating you. Tell
me about this letter you wrote to Jagged. Dr.
Doctor. What letter? Austin McClue. The letter
you wrote to him last week. The one about Babs
Crayfish. She's one of your patients, isn't she?
Dr. Doctor. Yeah, Miss Crayfish. She consults
me. Austin McClue. So why are you writing to
Jagged about her? You said, I'm warning you,
leave her alone. What's that all about? Dr. Doctor.
Lord Michael, he was what you English call Old
Goat. he cannot keep hands to himself austin
mcclough i know what you mean baby i bet you
wanted her for yourself you fox you doctor doctor
nine that is incorrect i am therapist not boyfriend
boyfriend is charlie bunsen you know bunsen he
is not man to be on wrong side of austin mcclough
okay now you're talking So you were warning Jagged
about Bunsen. You've known him like forever.
Huh? Doctor, doctor. Yeah. Lord Michael is an
old friend of mine. Many years I know him. He
is powerful man. You take care with me, you hear?
He will not... He will be not happy that you
hurt me. Austin McClue, hurt you. Oh, baby. You've
got me all wrong. I wouldn't hurt a fly. Thank
you for clearing that up. Well, that was a huge
breach in the confidentiality of my therapist,
Dr. Doctor. I think he might be doing more than
just therapy. If you know what I'm saying, I
think he's involved in some criminal activities.
Babs, you wanted to be an actress. And Lord Michael
Jagat owned the film company. How far would you
go in pursuit of that ambition? How far did you
go? I'm with Charlie, and yes, I wanted to be
an actress. I still do want to be an actress,
but not by the likes of Lord Michael. He was
handsy. He had some expectations. Well, we know
that Lord Michael has been a patron to several
of us here. Doctor, Doctor seemed to allude to
his handsiness. Are you sure that it was something
that bothered you? Did something really happen
between you two? Lord Michael and you? Or Doctor,
Doctor. Either one. He tried to seduce me, that's
all. Which one? Oh. Lord Michael Jagat. And I
knew he tried to seduce her, too. I was going
to talk to him about it tonight. Maybe you can
give him a slap. I never got the chance, you
know? So you knew this was going on. Yeah, I
knew. I was going to talk to him tonight. That's
why I'm here. That's all you wanted to do? Yeah,
just give him a little slap. Give him a little
scare. Hmm. Murder is quite scary. The soup thickens.
I've got a cough. Sorry. Oh, no worries. If people
are still here, then they're here for the coughs.
And that was clue number three. I just know that
when Mary Jane Pethlis was Lord Michael's girlfriend,
Dr. Doctor was a regular visitor to the house.
Dr. Doctor is reputed to be some kind of evil
mastermind. What does Mary Jane Faithless know
about Dr. Doctor? Was she in therapy with him?
Certainly not. What was your connection then
with Lord Michael? When I was going out with
Lord Michael Jagged, I saw Dr. Doctor around
the house often. I don't really know what their
business was together, because it's none of my
business. But, to be honest, I don't think he
was consulting him as a therapist. And I certainly
wasn't. Interesting. What nobody saw is in the
video, Dr. Doctor is stroking a brain that he's
holding in his hands. It was very weird. I wish
you hadn't shared that. I felt like I needed
to give everybody the clues. So Dr. Doctor did
it. Good chance. So Dr. Doctor liked brain. And
Brain is Brian's nickname when it's spelled wrong.
Oh, it was you he was rubbing. Who can say? Do
you have anything else to say about clue number
three? All right. Who's got clue number four?
I do. I have, from the British Intelligence Forces
for Freedom Organization, A report on Lord Michael
Jaggard from Agent Kitty Killer. Dated March
12th, 1967. Summary. Some criminal connections
have been cut, but he's still dangerous. Maintain
monitoring. See details in file. What is this?
You're an agent for Biffo? What have you discovered?
You know, I was working... on the biography.
I was watching him because he was mixed up in
London criminal underworld. He was bankrolling
champagne Charlie Bunsen. Recently, he was moving
away from these gangsters, but only because he
was getting involved in bigger schemes. It was
my duty to keep an eye on him. If necessary,
I would have done what needed to be done reporting,
but I didn't. So listen here, guys. I got a little
insight for you. So I got some contacts in the
U .S. criminal underground, right? And as I understand
it, Martin X here is part of that scene. All
this stuff about being a political philosopher
is just to cover for his criminal activities,
isn't it? Isn't he some kind of gangster? You
some kind of gangster, Martin? Ah, it is true
that I once fell to the depravities of the criminal
underworld and... that I was locked up for a
time for it. But I rose above that as best I
could, and I do have some mixings in the criminal
underworld. But as the world is coming to an
end, the past really doesn't matter, which you
can read in my book, The 19th Nervous Breakdown.
So you're like Tupac, a little poet gangster.
Well, yes, in a way. You can read in my other
books. Available all across the United Kingdom.
But if Lord Michael Jaggard was involved in criminal
activities, what is his relationship with the
crime boss Champagne Charlie Bunsen? Who? You.
And who? And Lord Michael. Oh, Lord Michael,
that guy. Yeah, the one I told you about. He
pulled his support for you and tried to take
your woman? That had to make you mad. Yeah, we
had some slightly dodgy business deals for a
while there. We worked together, but he invested
some money in some speculative ventures, but
not recently. Mr. Shrimp, I feel like you have
no room to talk, because I can't imagine Dr.
Doctor is just a therapist, as it's been suggested.
I overheard you guys talking with Dr. Michael.
I'm sorry, I overheard Dr. Doctor and Mr. Lord
Michael talking, and they mentioned your name,
Mr. Shrimp, and Mr. Steed. What have you got
to do with Dr. Doctor? I don't know much about
Dr. Doctor. to be honest. I've heard whispers
about him being some kind of criminal, though,
but that's not... nothing to do with me. You
know, Tamara, Oliver Steed tried to make it in
Hollywood, but got scared off by U .S. gangsters
because of his associations with the British
criminal underworld. What is his connection to
the Lord Michael Jagged or Champagne? I am a
serious actor now. It's a shame that things didn't
work out in Hollywood, but it's a bit of a closed
shop over there. It's very difficult for a British
actor such as myself to break into it. And actually,
I got chased out. It's okay, Oliver. You don't
have to tell them that. The way that Lord Michael
was, he wasn't just handsy with me. He had several
girlfriends. That could have been related, too,
in relationships with both Steed and Shrimp.
Well, Tamara, you've been living with Lord Michael
Jagged, but you used to date Oliver Steed. Do
you think there may have been some sort of rivalry
between the two men? I don't think Steed has
that much jealousy in him. Sure, he was violent
and possessive, but I'm sure he wouldn't have
killed Lord Michael in a fit of jealousy. And
Tamara, last night as I was going to the bathroom,
I overheard you guys having a blazing argument.
Was this always like this? Did you possibly kill
him as a crime of passion? Lord Michael is a
hard man to deal with sometimes. I think that's
true in most of his relationships. Sure, it got
a little stormy, but we really loved each other.
We always made up after a fight. I'm also concerned
about the new secret agent in our midst. Kitty
Killer, how committed are you to Biffo? Would
you execute Lord Michael? No, I'm not. I'm an
average agent. Like, I wouldn't execute him.
I'm a reputed journalist. I'm only a concerned
citizen. All this relationship and spy intrigue
is interesting, but Brian Seward is a wine critic
and an expert on all aspects of wine. But Michael
was apparently killed by a poison champagne.
Sounds like the kind of killing a sewer might
be, might have been involved in. Speaking of
poison champagne, Charlie, isn't champagne your
nickname? Where did that come from? I heard rumor
that it's because you used poison champagne to
kill a rival mob boss. Hey, I just like champagne.
I'm a high -class guy. And you know, about that
nickname, nothing was ever proven in court, so...
So that it's just a coincidence that Champagne
Charlie is here and Lord Michael Jagat has been
killed by a poisoned champagne? I'm the man.
People try to take me down. What can I say? So
you claim someone's trying to frame you? Yeah,
perhaps. Okay. Now I know poison would be a woman's
choice. Mary Faithless. How bitter was your split
with... Lord Michael Jaggard. That's such old
news already. I'm already in a new relationship.
Which isn't exactly a secret, but we're both
famous, so we try to keep it quiet. But Jaggard
was jealous and possessive of ex -girlfriends.
So... Who's this stud? If you must know, Terrence
Stroop. Again, it's not something we like to
talk about. We try to have a private life. I'm
sure Lord Michael knew, but surely that hasn't
got anything to do with his murder. I didn't
feel it was worth telling him. Something smells
real shrimpy in here. So Mary Jane Faithless,
what do you know about Dr. Doctor that we don't
know yet in this conversation? Were you perhaps
in therapy with him as well? What was his connection
with Lord Michael? Well, he was around the house
a lot. I don't know what their business was specifically,
although I don't think it was strictly legal.
Well, I got a little juice on Dr. Doctor here.
You know, I know he's not just an analyst. His
name, in fact, is feared throughout the criminal
world as an evil mastermind. I don't know what
a brain sewer he is up to, but I've heard he's
in some kind of mix -up with him. What's the
connection there, brain? I've been working on
him with buying a vineyard. I'm more than comfortable
working with people less savory for their money,
as with the case of Lord Michael. I think y 'all
are trying to frame me. And going back to what
Martin X said, I am a wine expert. And for that
very reason, I would never tamper with a bottle
of champagne. That's almost a sacrilege. Someone
we haven't heard from. Miss Wiggy. Now, I don't
believe this mysterious analyst person, Dr. Doctor,
was it? Wasn't just seeing Babs. You were seeing
him as well, weren't you, Wiggy? Well, yes, I
was a patient of Dr. Doctor's. But that's as
far as our relationship went. I thought he was
an excellent therapist. That is all I know about
the man. Did he give you the news? Was he also
an analyst? He was in the first therapist analysis.
Cutting edge. Well, a lot has happened tonight.
It seems like, from what I've gathered, around
five, Lord Michael went to his room. And then
for the next hour, Mary Jane Faithless, Kitty
Killer, Brian Sewer, and... Tamara Farabucktooth
were all in the drawing room with cocktails,
while me and Oliver Steed were playing billiards
with Wiggy and Martin X, having a drink in the
room with us down there. And then, round six,
Lord Michael was killed around the time that
Charlie and Babs were upstairs in one of the
guest rooms, allegedly. And shortly after that,
Brian Seward Went upstairs because he needed
a bath. And after that is when we found the body
of Lord Michael. Around 7 p .m. That was clue
five. Good recap. Does anybody have anything
to read after clue number five? No? Okay. Connor's
a little soliloquy. Just a little wrap -up. Everybody
stand back, I'm about to Cumberbatch. Benedict
Cumberbatch in Sherlock Race rattles all the
clues off really fast. AK's never seen that movie.
Like, whose batch are you trying to cover? Who
the hell's Cabbage Patch? Alright. Now we're
going to get into round three. So we'll return
to listening to Austin McClue here. And I think
he's just going to summarize what we already
know. But who knows what's going to come out
of his mouth? I didn't realize I had to say pussies.
That was weird. They're crypto evil. They're
quasi evil. Look, you've got to learn to play
by the rules, baby. You've been a very naughty
girl. Behave. So anyway, the way I see it, Lord
Michael offered Babs Crayfish a career in the
movies in return for, well, certain favours.
That wasn't her bag, so it just didn't happen.
Maybe she got mad and then she got even. Or maybe
Champagne Charlie helped her out. What about
all these guys Lord Michael helped? Ryan Sewer,
Wiggy, Terence Shrimp, Oliver Steed. What favours
did they do for Lord Michael? What was their
bag? Hey, what about that Dr. Doctor? Crazy name.
Crazy guy. I thought he was just a shrink, man,
but now it turns out he's an evil mastermind.
So was Lord Michael his evil henchman? And who
else was in part of this plan? I mean, Wiggy
was his patient. And so was Babs Crayfish. So
maybe Champagne Charlie Bunsen was on his side
as well. And how far was Brian Sewer getting
involved? He's definitely up to something. And
Tamara Farah Bucktooth must have known something
about Lord Michael's nefarious practices. Seems
like there's half of London's criminal underworld
here. But if that's not enough, we've also got
an authentic American gangster as well with Martin
X. Okay. So this is what happened. The bottle
of champagne that Lord Michael opened was fitted
with a little device that I like to call a widget.
And this widget released a cloud of poison gas
that killed him. And the only person clear enough
and evil enough to have invented this widget
is Dr. Doctor. Look. I've got to go. Oh, but
I found another clue. Lord Michael used a dictaphone
to make memos, and I retrieved a couple of messages
from him yesterday. Check them out, baby, and
I'll see you soonest. A memo to myself. I must
have a word with Terence Shrimp tomorrow when
he arrives, before dinner. I think he needs reminding
how much he owes me. If it wasn't for me, he'd
still be selling photos in plain brown wrappers
in Soho. How dare you refuse me such a simple
request? Toe rag. Toe rag. Is that you? Toe rag.
You're toe rag. Toe rag Terrence. Toe rag Terrence.
All right, now we'll move into the third dialogue.
Babs, I believe you're going to kick it off.
I don't understand all this evil mastermind business.
I thought Dr. Doctor was a psychiatrist. So you're
pretending that you didn't know, even though
your boyfriend, Champagne Charlie, knew all about
it. You did, didn't you, Charlie? Hey, nothing
to do with me. He was out of my league, one of
them evil mastermind types. I'm more of your
hands -on sort of businessman. Can't make an
omelet without breaking a few heads, as they
say. Oh, right. You know more than you're saying.
And so do you, Miss Tamara Farah Bucktooth. Me?
What's that got to do with me? Everyone knows
you were nearly bankrupt. You were after his
money. You want money. Yeah, money. That's what
you want. But don't forget, money can't buy you
love. Why is everyone always picking on me? If
I wanted his money, I would have waited until
he changed his will, wouldn't I? Anyway, you
heard Austin McClue. Lord Michael was killed
by a widget that only Dr. Doctor could have made.
And what do I know about Dr. Doctor? We don't
know yet. But we will. We will. What about you,
sewer? Well, I knew Dr. Doctor, if that's what
you're asking. I really think you should be looking
at the criminals we have in our midst. I mean,
you've got Champagne Charlie here. Hey, you know,
I've never heard of this wizard, you know. And
then there's his mole. Hey, I ain't no mole.
Between them, they could write the ultimate book
on crime. The ultimate book on crime, they could
call it. Published by Books on Crime, Inc. and
available through Books on Crime Book Club. No,
no, no. This is all wrong. I swear before any
witness... What the fuck happened to your accent?
I don't know. I lost it. Hey, this is all wrong.
I swear before any witness you like that this
ain't my killing. Can I get a witness? I'll be
your witness, sweetie. I know it wasn't you.
Well, I don't trust you, but we got to get on.
We haven't much time left. That is the first
sensible thing any of you have said all evening,
because you're running out of time. As it says
in my book, you're running out of time, my baby.
The last grains of sand are slipping through
the hourglass. The end is nigh. All right, I've
got the last set of clues here. For Brian Sewer,
we've got clue number six. Tamara Farah Bocktooth,
clue number seven. And Champagne Charlie Bunsen
with clue number eight. Jampers. From the Dictaphone
of Lord Michael Jagat, July 14th, 1967. Memo
to myself. Have a word with Terrence Shrimp tomorrow
when he arrives before dinner. I think I need
to remind him how much he owes me. If it wasn't
for me, he'd still be selling photos in plain
brown wrappers in Soho. How dare he refuse me
such a simple little request. Toe rag. Lord Michael
Jacket was clearly blackmailing Terrence Shrimp.
What kind of hold did he have on Shrimp? What
is Shrimp's past? And would he kill to get rid
of a blackmailer? Mary Jane, did you know this
was happening? Would you protect him if you did?
I wouldn't kill Lord Michael Jagan, but he did
try to blackmail me, and I heard that him and
Dr. Doctor had been involved in some plan involving
poisonous gas. Lord Michael Jagan and... Dr.
Doctor were working on a poison gas which they
were going to threaten to release on the London
Underground unless the government paid them a
ransom. Lord Michael then broke off his connections
with Dr. Doctor and needed some new accomplices.
He tried to blackmail me by revealing my criminal
past, but I refused to get involved. None of
this looks good, but at least you're not implicated,
which would be me in my person. I'm not implicated.
And that's why I'm coming clean. Really, Mr.
Oliver Steed, because I have here another dictation
from Lord Michael Jagged. Memo to self. Have
a word with Oliver Steed tomorrow when he arrives.
Remind him of how much he owes me. I remember
when he was one of Charlie Bunsen's heavies,
beating people up for a living. He'd never have
made it without me. He can't refuse me on this
one. When Michael Lord, Michael Jagat, and Dr.
Doctor stopped working together, Dr. Doctor came
to see me to see if I wanted to transfer my allegiance
to him. But I turned him down. From my undercover
work with Bivo, my understanding also is that
Lord Michael Jagat and Dr. Doctor were collaborating
on a project to extort money from the government
to threaten releasing of a poison gas. to the
London Underground. Then they split up, and both
of them have been pursuing their own evil schemes
ever since. The question in my mind is, which
of Lord Michael's associates defected to Dr.
Doctor's camp? In particular, where do the following
stand? Champagne Charlie Bunsen, Mary Jane Faithless,
Brian Sewer, and Oliver Steed? And are they on
Lord Michael's side? Or Dr. Doctor's side? You
are clearly convinced that Lord Michael Jagged
was a very dangerous man. But I know that your
organization, BIFO, has taken the law into its
own hands before, and who's to say that you didn't
kill Lord Michael, believing it to be some kind
of execution? Have you ever done anything illegal
in the name of BIFO? It's true that I've been
in connections with organized crime in both Britain
and the U .S. But I have to. It's part of my
job to monitor what's going on in the criminal
underworld. And you can't make an omelet without
breaking a few eggs, as you say. And sometimes
the ends have to justify the means. Speaking
of violent men, Oliver Steed, you have a very
violent past. How far would you go to stop a
blackmailer? This is a great question. Speaking
of how far people are willing to go, from what
I've heard, the police are starting to close
in on Champagne Charlie Bunsen and his gang,
possibly after a tip -off from Lord Michael Jagat
himself. How far would Babs Crayfish go to protect
her man? I don't know anything about his empire.
I try to stay out of his business. We were together.
So we can corroborate each other's alibi. But
it seems you two were the only ones that could
corroborate each other's alibis as you two were
the only ones there. Shouldn't that be good enough
for anybody? That's my girl. If we want to go
up in the bedroom, we go up in the bedroom. We're
going to tell you every time we go to the bedroom?
No. Well, you should, because I'm a pervert.
But I do know, in fact, that Mr. Shrimp over
here used to work for me in the East End, so
he ain't all that innocent. So what favor was
Lord Michael Jagged asking you to do? Must have
been something pretty serious if he had dared
to refuse such a powerful man. I know he could
punish people who crossed him, and I know you
knew that, too. It's true. I did know this, and
it is true. Lord Michael... did introduce me
to you, which has brought me to my place as such
a high society photographer, which is why I would
never turn my back on Lord Michael when he came
telling me of his plans that went south with
Dr. Doctor. He did eventually convince me, through
blackmail, to, you know, help him out and come
to his side of the plot. But what about Brian
Seward? You're getting awfully close with...
Dr. Doctor and Lord Michael had canned you, so
your source of income was drying up. Doesn't
that give you some motive to want to halt Lord
Michael from enforcing that action? I was thinking
about getting out of the wine criticism game
altogether. I was using Dr. Doctor to help me
afford a vineyard of my own to make my own wine.
And what were you doing with Dr. Doctor? To make
that money to afford to make your own wine? He
would have been a partner. Now, Shrimp, what's
up with your buddy Steed over here? I know you
guys are the best of the best buddies, and you
do everything together. You're telling me you
guys, I know you wouldn't mind seeing Mr. Jagged
Dennis. You're telling me you guys didn't do
that together as well? I mean, you know me, Charlie.
We work together. That's how I know about your
champagne nickname. And yes, me and Oliver are
good friends. But we would never hurt Lord Michael.
Like I said, he is part of the reason I have
attained such a high place in society. It seems
everyone was seeing Dr. Doctor for one thing
or another. Wiggy, why were you seeing Dr. Doctor?
Because I needed therapy. Clearly. I just needed
some help, that's all. She's barely got anything
left. I believe that Dr. Doctor has completely
controlled her mind. Maybe he hypnotized her
to get rid of Lord Michael Jagged for him. I
think he just doesn't want to share with everyone
that she's not so sure who is her father, but
does have a suspicion that Lord Michael is her
father. That is true, although I have no proof
that he is my father. I have very strong suspicions.
And, quite frankly, it's been a sore subject,
so I was going to therapy for it. To try to get
over that. Well, rumor has it that Dr. Doctor
has developed a form of mind control, and he
can make people do whatever he wants. Babs Crayfish
spent a lot of time in therapy with him. What
if he'd hypnotized her to kill his great rival,
Lord Michael? Would she even know? And apparently
Lord Michael ended his criminal association with
Dr. Doctor around the same time Tamara Fyra Bucktooth
became Lord Michael's girlfriend. Are these two
events connected? Could Tamara Fyra Bucktooth
be a spy sent by Dr. Doctor just to infiltrate
Lord Michael's organization? My match with Lord
Michael was simply a matter of the heart. It
has nothing to do with criminal activities. Dr.
Doctor's or his. Hey, so I got a map here. We
can kind of picture where everybody was when
the murder happened. I'll let y 'all take a look.
He was found in his room, right? Mm -hmm. Wait,
is that clue number eight? Yeah. Did I miss clue
number seven? That was clue seven. I still have
more to read, too. Oh. So before Charlie passes
around his map, if there's more to discuss, we
should do so now. Well, I want to know what exactly
Martin X is doing in this country. We know he's
involved in some shady activities, and I once
heard Lord Michael mention him in connection
with Dr. Doctor. What is your association with
the Doctor? I came to Britain as a request, Dr.
Doctor. I understand he had some plans to extend
his empire, his operations, into America. He
was planning to dump Lord Michael Jaggard and
wanted a new associate to help broaden his empire.
I was here to help negotiate that alliance. Are
you sure that you're not here? Wow, JFK just
kind of popped out there. Right out the back.
Are you sure that you are not here to try to
speed up the process? entering society in some
sort of state of anarchy? No. You, Martin X.
I was not. I was only here to negotiate between
him and an unknown partner and to promote my
books, which you can get all across the United
Kingdom and Europe. Yes, yes, 15 shillings. It's
awfully suspicious, all these books you write.
I'm sure you have one called How to Poison Your
Lord Patron Michael Jagan. Is that one also only
15 shillings? 35. I'm still suspicious of Sewer.
Everyone knows the power that Lord Michael holds
in the publishing industry. If he got sacked
from Lord Michael's paper, no one would ever
dare hire him. Be blacklisted. Unable to make
any money. Loses his entire way of life. Be unemployable.
Well, as I said before, I was going to start
my own vineyard someday. Why not today? Like
I said, my eyes are on Sewer, Steed, Faithless,
and Bunsen. Who out of them defected to Dr. Doctor's
camp? Because my investigation was... more and
more focusing in on Dr. Doctor as he seemed much
more of a sinister figure than Michael Jagged.
Nobody else has anything else to read? Just a
floor plan. Just a floor plan, yeah. Clue number
eight, which is the last clue. Is a map. Can
we pass that around? Yeah. The middle of the
table is not good enough. In the very middle
of the room. Let me just hold it way out here.
Back to the middle. So he was killed in the bedroom?
Yeah, his own bedroom. Who was up in the bedrooms?
Guess. A lot of bacon. Hanging on the bathroom
floor. Hurry! There's the lava, lava. There's
the drawing room. There are a lot of bedrooms.
Oh, this is the upstairs. It is a mansion. It's
only a two -float mansion. Seems like a very...
It's a split level. It's not a regular split
level room. In his room? Yeah. Should we write
down where everybody was on the map? Here's the
bathroom. We can. Mr. Bathtub. Mr. Bathtub. Who's
that? Mr. Brain Bathtub. Mr. Brain Bathtub Sewer
Pants. He came through the sewer. He was just
crying, staring over at the body. I have to wash
this off. I feel dirty. If I scrub deep enough,
I'll clean away the memories. He's got poison
on his hands. He's got to wash up. Having a bath.
I'm a wine snob. I take baths. Listen to me and
Babs go at it. Sit in there, bubble bath, bottle
of wine, just pounding away. With a dead guy
in the corner. What a party, guys. What's that?
I said, why were you there if you were fired
already? To kill you. We're all in this together
and we love to take a bath. This is a ten person
bath we're taking. If you find the only couple
bottles of nice wine and then make yourself a
bath with it. Bathing in wine. Dionysus over
there. I'm Bacchus God of Wine. Alright. Everybody
get a chance to look at the map? Yeah. Not super
insightful. Nope. All right. Going to move into
the fourth video here. And then we'll move on
to final statements. Baby, oh, baby, I don't
believe you. What a mess you've all made of yourselves.
This is the way I see it. Lord Michael was part
of an evil team of masterminds with Dr. Doctor.
They were going to release poison gas on the
underground unless the government paid them a
hefty ransom. But anyway, they fell out with
each other and became evil masterminds in their
own right. Lord Michael blackmailed Terence Schrempf
and Oliver Steed to get them to work on his evil
plans with his gas. So either of them might have
wanted to kill him. Meanwhile, Dr. Doctor was
building up a new set of collaborators. Martin
X, he was involved. And so was Champagne Charlie
Bunsen. They're both gangsters. Now maybe they
had to prove themselves by killing Lord Michael.
A kind of virility test, you know. I don't need
that kind of thing, baby. I'm virile enough.
Anyway, then there were Doctor Doctor's patients,
Babs, Crayfish and Wiggy. Now, he might have
hypnotised either of them to kill Lord Michael,
because Wiggy hated her father. And Babs would
have wanted to protect Champagne Charlie. Mary
Jane, faithless. And Tamara and Farrah, bucktooth.
Well, they were just money hungry, baby. I reckon
they'd do anything, those two. Anything, anything
you wanted. Then you've got Brian Sewer, and
he's just nasty. Lord Michael's sacked him, so
he might have wanted his revenge. And he was
working with Dr Doctor as well. Then finally
you've got Kitty Killer. I don't know quite what
to make of her. What do you want me to make of
you, baby? She seems to know more about what's
going on than even I do. So, it's over to you.
What do you think happened here tonight? Okay,
after learning it's a bait, or it's a video,
what does that guy look like? I have to know.
Yeah, so, like, you know how Austin Powers is
not portrayed as, like, super great -looking
in the movies? This looks like a knockoff version
of that, so just worse. Like a spirit Halloween
Austin Powers. Yeah, almost. This might be what
that guy actually looks like, which is unfortunate.
Great value. It's a wish, Austin Powers. Also,
the video is dubbed for whatever reason. So he
moves his mouth and different words come out.
Oh. Yeah, I don't know why. It was originally
recorded in Spanish. Alright, from here, we're
going to move on to the final statements. That
should be in the last page of your book. I'm
sure it says somebody should go first. Alright,
it looks like it's Oliver Steed. And then it'll
tell everybody who to talk about after, or who
to talk after the, well, another person, so we'll
just go in the right order, I guess. is the right
thing to do. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. That's the way
we do things. Live episodes. Cool. All right.
Go ahead, Mr. Steed. He was a lovely man, Lord
Michael. I loved him. He was my best friend.
Sorry. Did I ever tell you that story about the
time he sold me the... He sold you? The strange
camels? No. Well, remind me to tell you sometime.
I can't now. I'm so choked up. I can't believe
this has happened. If I get my hands on whoever
did it... Oh, don't be so rough, Oliver. You're
an actor, not a fighter. I think we should just
leave that nice Mr. McClue to sort it out for
us. He'll know what to do. Anyway... At least
no one can suspect you of doing it. I was with
you all afternoon, so we're in the clear. Well,
look, you know me. I'm a happy -go -lucky kind
of guy. Show me glasses nearly empty, and I'll
show you a glass that's got a bed in it. I'm
not going to pretend I haven't got a few skeletons
in my closet. That train's already sailed. But
straight up, I didn't do this one. I'm not particularly
sorry that Lord Michael's dead. But it ain't
done to me. Nor me neither. I never touched him.
I'd swear it on my mother's grave. Except she's
not dead yet. Anyway, I was with Charlie all
the time. So he definitely didn't do it. We're
both as pure as the driven slush. Precisely.
I don't have much to add except that I don't
trust any of you. Lord Michael employed me, and
frankly, he was a terrible employer. You saw
how he fired me because I told him the truth.
And that's no reason for me to have killed him.
To be honest, it could have been any of you.
It was probably all of you. You know, I think
I loved him. Sorry, Terrence, but I really think
I did. He hurt me, of course, when he broke off
our relationship. If it had been up to me, I
would have still been living here. I was hurt,
and I guess I was angry with him, but now I'm
just sad. Sad that his life ended like this,
and sad that we've washed out all this dirty
laundry in public, his and ours. What a lot of
sanctimonious claptrap. You've never loved Lord
Michael. You were just lucky that he noticed
you at all. You wouldn't have had a career at
all if it wasn't for him helping you. I'm the
only one of you that's genuinely upset by his
death. I didn't want anything from him except
love. And of course, his money. Come on, let's
be honest. No one here can claim to be cleaner
than clean. We've all got motives for killing
Lord Michael. We've all got our reasons for wanting
him dead. I just want to take this opportunity
to point out that I'm on the side of good in
all of this. I've dedicated my life to the fight
for decency and truth. Lord Michael was on the
other side of that fight. but I would never stoop
to using his tactics. The ends, however desirable,
do not justify the means. You talk about the
means and the ends. I tell you the end will be
the end by any means necessary. You're all looking
at this murder as if it's an isolated incident.
It's not. It's part of a generalized deconstruction
of society that in... and of itself heralds the
end of days making no mistake we are entering
the final phase of human existence right here
right now and no amount of agony over the death
of a single aristocrat will make any difference
to that and nor will any number of accusations
about the alleged criminal past of me as the
prophet Of the last days. Incidentally, I hope
you will all buy a copy of my book. This could
be the last time. Available everywhere. So, I
get to speak last. Maybe that's right. After
all, Lord Michael was my father. And he was closer
to me than he was to any of you, even if I didn't
know him properly. But I would have come to know
him, and maybe even to love him. If one of you
hadn't have killed him. Now we speculate wildly
and everybody accuses everybody. Cool. Should
we go around the table? Starting with Brain Sewer.
Mr. Sewer, who doth you accuse? My accusations
point from the evidence that we have all been
part of. I would like to say it would be Champagne
Charlie, just because that's the obvious choice.
But part of me wants to say that it is Kitty,
because I feel like she would do anything for
the greater good, even if that means murder.
I would never stoop to that level. Murderer I'm
not. That is my insinuation. One vote for Kitty?
Kitty. Okay. Champagne, who do you accuse? So
when we were giving our final statements here,
everyone said they didn't do it except for one
guy. He was too choked up to say he didn't do
it. Because he didn't want to lie about it, Mr.
Oliver Steed. I believe indeed that you killed
Mr. Michael. Nay! That's my first horse joke.
All right. Tamara, famara, bucktooth, or whatever
it is. I think it's obvious who did it. I think
Martin X worked on behalf of Dr. Doctor to kill
the evil mastermind rival. Okay. Martin. Who
had the longest soliloquy at the end? Rambling
about nonsense. I believe that it was Babs. Okay.
Babs. I believe it was Tamara. That she was being
used by Dr. Doctor. when he couldn't get, I think
it was Brian, to use the device to kill the Lord
originally as the original plan. Yeah, that's
my thought. Hmm. So who'd you vote for? Tamara.
Okay. Well, I could easily think down the lane
of the conspiracy, that being Kitty. I do believe
it is more of a craze -spiracy, and that it is
Martin X. Okay. I also was suspicious of Martin
X, but I think that Brian Sewer's suspicious
slip away to the bathroom was very, uh... especially
since he was recently fired and would soon be
unemployable if anyone learned that news. And
working with Dr. Doctor, who also had it out
for Lord Michael, all the signs point right to
Brian. Go back to that sewer you crawled out
of. All right. Kitty Killer. I'm very suspicious
of Bunsen, but... Hey, I said I didn't do it.
I didn't do it. I think because it involved crimes
of fashion, my suspicion is on Tamara as well.
Because she was unaware of the will change, and
she had a lot to gain. All right. Mary Jane?
Oh, I don't ever have a clue. Where's Austin?
I think Champagne Charlie is too obvious. And
I am very suspicious of your slip. Who takes
a bath in someone else's house during a party,
Mr. Sewer? It's very strange. I'd be upset if
I found you in my tub at a party. Unless if you
murdered someone and had to clean up after her.
I vote for Charlie Sewers. Charlie Sewers? I
vote for Charlie Sewers. Together. They're really
one person. So for Brian Sewers? Yeah, whatever.
And well, I for whatever reason believe it was
Babs. I think she was trying to get Charlie to
marry her and to kill somebody as an initiation.
And Lord Jagged was very handsy and she didn't
appreciate that very much. As it stands, we have
two votes for Brian Sewer. None for Champagne
Charlie. One for Kitty Killer. One for Oliver
Steed. Two for Martin X. Two for Babs. Three
for Tamara Bucktooth. None for Detlef Shrimp.
None for Mary Jane. And none for Wiggy. We ready
to find out who done it? Yeah. Yeah. All right,
we're going to play the final video and find
out the killer. Let's cut to the chase, baby.
Lord Michael was killed by the widget in the
champagne bottle. It released a poisonous gas
so deadly that he died before he could even call
out for help. But by the time I got there, by
the time I found his body, there was no gas left.
Because, like I said at the start, all the windows
were open. So, someone had gone into that room
after Lord Michael had been killed and opened
the windows to clear the air. So who was there?
Who was the only one person who hadn't got an
alibi for the period between Lord Michael's death
and the finding of the body? There's one person
who helped Dr. Doctor with his researches into
the wine bottling and would have known about
the widget. Who's the one person who's got the
motive, the means, and the opportunity? Brian
Sewer! I'm sorry, baby. We only had to arrest
you for murdering Lord Michael Jaggard. You goddamn
bastard. So that's it. I'm spent. Good night.
Oh, and remember, crime is rarer than you think.
You don't have nightmares, baby. Son of a bitch.
It says right here, it says, do not reveal you
are the murderer. Well, I hope it says that.
I have been working with Dr. Doctor on a way
of releasing poison gas from a champagne bottle.
Lord Michael Jagged seemed to have fallen out
with Dr. Doctor and consequently decided that
I was too close to his enemy, so he fired me.
He's powerful enough to make sure that I never
work in newspapers again and my career is effectively
over. But if I can silence him before he made
my termination public, I might be okay. So I
used the technology I'd developed with Dr. Doctor
and put a poisoned bottle of champagne in Lord
Michael's room. When he opened the bottle, poison
gas was released and killed him. About a half
hour before dinner, I just went upstairs to have
a bath, but secretly I slipped into his room
and opened the windows to disperse any of the
remaining smell of the gas. And I would have
gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you
meddling kids and your damn dog. All right. So
who won? Me. Rebecca. And who else voted for
Brian? All right. Rebecca and Connor won the
murder mystery. Fuck yeah. Well, good job, guys.
Awesome. Well done. Well done. Well done. Yeah.
Good job. Awesome. Well. I hope you all enjoyed
our murder mystery tonight. I know we did. And
whatever you're going to do on Halloween, be
safe. Have fun. Be spooky. And we will see you
next, next Tuesday. That's it for today's episode.
We hope you've enjoyed listening as much as we've
enjoyed playing. If you have, go run and tell
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