Welcome to Tales from the Crit Season 3. Bigger,
badder, and stickier. By joining us today, you
have been officially upgraded to Crit Cat status.
So, welcome to the club. Tales from the Crit
is an actual play podcast where we focus on smaller
story arcs from some of your favorite RPGs, as
well as some of the less known or obscure ones.
We also play some highly narrative tabletop board
games and also some micro RPGs. All of those
feature a revolving cast of players, so you're
going to see a lot of variety there. And as always,
I am your host and your Crit Keeper, Riley Groves.
We're so glad to have you here with us today.
Now let's get into the episode. Content warnings
can be found in the description. Welcome back
to Tales from the Crit. I am Riley Groves, the
Crit Keeper, and I am back at the table with
Rebecca. Hello. Connor. Hey. Derek. Hello. And
that's it. Well, that was anticlimactic. Yeah,
so last episode, really pretty action -packed.
This next one's going to be a couple shopping
montages, a few role play. No, just kidding.
You guys are in a very bad spot. I can't wait
to get back into that, but real quick question
to get to know each other a little bit better.
Preferred midnight snack. Connor. Okay, Rebecca.
It's us, not our character? You. Okay, Reese's
Big Cups. Yeah. Just ice cream. Ice cream. What
kind? Favorite flavor. Rocky Road, because you've
been going through it. Peanut butter pandemonium.
Okay. Yes. Derek. Shit. I don't know. There's
different shit in my house all the time. I lied.
That's not my favorite midnight snack. My favorite
midnight snack is just a handful of semi -sweet
chocolate chips because they're in just a little
container in the cupboard. And I'm almost like,
I don't have time to make anything. I just want
a little treat. That's definitely the answer
to that question. As much as I love peanut butter
pandemonium. I have an answer to that. Buffalo
tenders. Yeah, me too. Buffalo tenders. No bone.
Don't even care if they're hot, cold, lukewarm.
As long as they're not frozen. Well, obviously.
The other one for me, if those aren't in the
house, just like Wonder Bar bologna, standing
there in the fridge with the door open, just
hamming down fucking bologna slices. I don't
know why, but it happens. That's why I don't
keep bologna in the house. We can't. It's here
for one night. I know. You look over, and I'm
eating just half a pound of bologna, standing
there like a zombie. Like a raccoon. Yeah, just
making like a roll -up with some cheese or just
bologna. No, just shoveling. Listen, I'm not
a monster. I used to do that. Yeah, that would
be great. Who's got time for that? I quadrifold
it into a little quesadilla shape and then just
swallow it. Just swallow it. And the dogs both
look up at me like they're going to get some,
and I'm like... Not feeding them at all. I can't
judge you. No. You used to do the same thing
with salami. Just... Yeah, it's there. It's there.
It's ready to be eaten. Yep. Gross. Yeah. Speaking
of gross, you guys are covered in... every bodily
fluid of both undead and new dead people standing
in this large room. You guys were just looking
down the well. I think, Truck, you were looking
down the well. I was looking down the well. You
looked down at the bottom of the well, and it's
really pretty deep, and there's a faint glow
coming from below, but there's no water or anything.
There's a solid floor at the bottom of this well.
I thought it was going to be lava, guys, personally,
but it does not look like it. I was thinking
acid. I am continuing to talk to the man in the
cage about what his... love? Is that what we
settled on? His loves? Yeah. What her appearance
looks like, and trying to match it to this statue
behind me. Oh, she's so beautiful. Probably the
most beautiful woman you've ever seen. I've seen
a lot. You'd have to describe her just a little
bit more, my friend. Would she happen to look
anything like that over there? Yeah, that's her.
He stares up gleefully at the statue. I'm going
to meet her real soon. Right after this, actually.
Turn the lock back to locked because I had rolled
a 13 to unlock it, but now I've decided to not
and pull the lock pick out, leaving him in the
cage secure for a moment. Yeah. Not drawing any
attention to that with him. Continuing to talk
to him about his beloved. What makes her so special,
my friend? She's just perfect in every way. She's
pretty. She's nice. That's kind of all I know.
All right, my friend. This looks a bit trickier
than I thought. Let me go talk to my friends
and see if we can get you out of this cage. That's
okay. You don't need to. The cage is going where
I need to be. Just, you know, lower me back down.
We'll get right on that. The mechanism kind of
broke. It's going to take us a few minutes for
these giant fellers over here to get you up back
above the well. So just give me a moment. Be
a little patient. Looks like you guys were busy.
Ah, there we were. Guys, under no circumstances
are you to take him out of that cage. Apparently
that's who he was going to see at the bottom
of the well. What did you see down there? Anything?
Just a glow, no water, that's for sure. Yeah,
we keep him far away from that. Other than that,
I really don't know what to do. Well, we could
just lower him down and see what happens. Oh,
I don't know that that's a good idea. He wants
to go, though. I mean, and we want to see what's
going on down there. Do we have a different cage
we could put somebody else that's already dead
in there? I told him that we were going to take
a minute to get him back up, so maybe we should
look around, see if there's anything going on.
Maybe somebody has a book on what is going on.
Did you notice if he was wearing any rings or
anything like that? What was he wearing? Just
prisoner rags, loincloths, similar to Brax. Oh,
that reminds me. Here's another ring for you.
Oh, wonderful. Add it to the... Brax likes rings.
No, I don't know that we should just put them
on. I'll tell you what, my big friend. Why don't
you go check out that well over there, and I'll
give you a ring. Brax walks over and looks down
the hole. Yeah, hole. Good job. Deep hole. Good
job. Ring. Nope, not yet. Don't let anything
go down that hole. Nothing. We have to take a
look around real quick. I also found this, and
I'm showing them the scary scepter. Brax likes
scepter. Okay, Brax, yep. What do we think of
this scary thing? Brax needs more knife. Here's
the other knife that I have. Two knife. Enjoy,
man. So what do we think of this? It's shiny.
How do you want us to... I'll inspect it, but
I don't know. Yeah, I guess, actually, Aurora,
you're the only magic user, so go ahead and give
me a... I'll stop making that noise. It's just
about to try and harmonize. We hypnotize all
the audience members. It's wisdom, isn't it?
What are we doing? Arcana? Religion? Yeah, it'd
be Arcana. Intelligence. Roll me an intelligence.
Not that you have a plus one to anything. Yeah,
it does not matter to me. Roll me an Arcana check.
18. All right, you definitely know that this
is a magical scepter. It's magical. I can tell
that. It crackles with... You can tell by the
crackling. It glows a slight bluish tint to it.
It doesn't look cursed, I guess. I mean, that's
good if it doesn't look cursed. You should just
take it and... Wave it around a bunch. Okay,
I'm going to wave it at that group of dead people
over there. All right. I touch it. Okay. You
feel it attuned to your hand, and you're holding
a magical scepter. Okay, cool. I'm going to wave
it around and point it at the dead people. Okay.
You use this wand. Go ahead. Just roll me a d20.
Actually, don't even do that. Roll me a d6, actually.
Sorry. A bolt of lightning springs out of the
end of this scepter, and it hits some of the
remaining dead folks that are there, and they
explode under the crackle of this lightning bolt.
Well, that was really gross, but cool. It now
only has nine charges. Did that hurt, or do you
feel okay? I feel great. That was super easy.
Well, that sounds like a score. Keep an eye on
her. There's nine charges left, you say? Yes.
Brax walks over to one of the dead cultists and
begins rummaging through their body, pulling
one of the rings off their hand. Brax, like ring.
And he puts it on. Oh. Crap. And what happens?
Nothing visual. All right, Brax, you ready to
go down that hole now? I am ready. I'm going
to go to the other cultist to take the ring off
of. Their hand. And also see if they have a dagger
that goes with the ring. Each cultist has a dagger.
I'm going to take that, too, and add it to the
collection of other... Cult daggers. Cult daggers.
Cult daggers. All right. What are you guys doing?
Anything else on this cultist? Nut ring, dagger,
clothes. I'm looking around. Nothing. Nothing
but robes and sandals. Not sandals. Sorry. Barefoot.
Oh, okay. How do you feel? I'm feeling great.
Are you, like, stronger or weaker? I don't feel
either of those things. Maybe weaker from getting
clobbered by that troll ogre, but now feeling
better than I was then. Yes, the troll ogres
are scary. Yeah. Do we put the rings on? I'm
going to search around the rest of the room and
see if there's any other exits or anything like
that other than the way we came in. Searching
around the room, just generally looking everywhere,
behind the statue is a staircase that leads down.
More stairs. Guys, there might be another way
to the bottom of the well. Anything written on
this statue? Or the base of it? Nope. Absolutely
nothing. That seems safer. Maybe like the well
itself is cursed or something. Okay. All right,
let's go down the stairs. Come on, Brax, don't
jump down that well. We didn't find any books
or anything up there that would... No, there's
no books in here. Cool. No one can read. That's
the cult thing. Can't have a trail if you can't
write it down. I'm going to sneak down the stairs
ahead of everybody. Good choice. Solid choice.
Solid choice. Solid choice. 16. You sneak down
the stairs ahead of everybody, and it's probably
the equivalent of two and a half to three flights
of stairs down. It's a pretty long distance.
We'll say two. Actually, that makes more sense.
And as you're peeking down under the bottom,
there is a large minotaur waiting in the room
in front of you, just kind of standing next to
where the well is, and he's playing with a lever.
And as he... Shifts it from one to the other.
You can hear the chain mechanism upstairs, like,
raising and lowering. But he's just kind of standing
there, messing with it, waiting for something.
Do I see anyone else? There's no one else in
this room. Can I sneak attack him with the crossbow?
Yeah, I don't see why not. Okay. That's a 24.
Okay, that hits. Sorry, I don't get those as
much as you do. So that's a nat 20 as well. And
three damage. So that's a six. So that's a six.
Yeah, you shoot this minotaur with a bolt, and
you kind of hit it right between the shoulders,
and it lets out a grunt and then a roar as it
turns and looks up the stairs. Roll initiative,
I guess, Russer. That's a three. Okay. You're
going to get to go first. This minotaur has turned
around and is looking at you. Not very happy.
I'm going to hit him with another crossbow bolt.
Yeah, that's a one. A one to hit? Well, it's
a nat one, but it would be a three to hit. Yeah,
it doesn't. So it's not going to hit. Okay. Does
a 16 beat your AC? It does. As you're loading
up and shooting this crossbow, you miss, mostly
because this minotaur has taken off in a charge
almost immediately after getting hit. It tears
up the stairs. Lucky for you, it hits you with
its horns doing three damage. And it continues
to barrel past you, running up the stairs. Brax
should be next. I said Brax should be behind
me. I was assuming you snuck down the stairs
by yourself. Oh, I figured they were... I thought
Brax was guarding. I thought they were following.
Brax is just mulling around. Okay, never mind.
Yeah, I guess I'm down there by myself. I mean,
I was definitely headed down the stairs. I just
felt like you were a little bit ahead of me.
Yeah, I was like 40 feet or whatever. So you're
all in a line? Up these stairs? He's like, yeah,
you want to be on the stairs? You're on the stairs.
I said we would follow. So 16 beats everybody's
AC? Everybody takes three damage as this minotaur
mows through all three of you headed up the stairs.
He also hits Brax if Brax is falling behind as
well. How much did you just say? Three. Three.
Okay. That was actually better than I thought
it was going to be. And a new round of initiative
is... He runs entirely up the stairs, just past
us, out into the... He charges all the way up
the stairs. I had my head there. It was me. I'm
like, good distance. Then Brax, Aurora, truck,
top of the stairs. Does that sound about right?
Is that what we want to... Okay. So he ran by...
Should we just keep going down the stairs? I'm
already down there. There might be a door. That's
our plan so far. Can you guys run down the stairs?
Yeah. Is there a door or something? Yeah, you
guys run down into this room. It's a square room.
From two holes in the wall to the sides comes
out small streams of lava that follow down the
edges of the wall and down into another long
hallway. is also extremely dark, but you can
see at the end that there is another room lit
up at the end of this. And at some point we see
the well drops down into this area where we are.
In this room, yep. You can see it above you.
So, this is where that guy was going to see his
love? Just so we're clear, that's where we're
going here. We're gonna meet his love too. It
may be killer. I'm guessing it's this way. Yeah.
We... Cautiously head down. Okay. Just want to
preface. You're still technically in battle.
This Minotaur is not going to be like, oh, I
made it to the top of the stairs. I guess I don't
know where those guys went. Well, I asked if
there was a door that you could close behind
us. No, the stairwell is up. Okay. Well, gentlemen,
gentlemen, will you two each please stand on
either side of that doorway and hold this rope
as tight as you can about right here. Get ready
to hit this thing. Okay, yep. Alright, we wait.
We play the waiting game. Okay. Alright, so it's
the Minotaur's turn. He comes charging back down
the stairs. And I guess you guys are holding
a rope trying to clothesline him at the bottom
of the stairs. And I'm ready with my mace. I'm
ready with anything I have. So just to confirm,
Rebecca, can you see? Oh, no. The Minotaur tears
through with a natural 20, snapping the rope.
Who was holding it? Brax? Brax. The two of you
get dragged forward as this Minotaur charges
into the room. Russer, where did you put yourself?
Just left of the doorway. Okay. And where are
you? Also off to the side of the opposite. Just
right of the doorway. Yeah. I was going to hit
him when he fell. Like in. We'd be out of the
way. Like 15 feet in, not directly in the door.
Like enough to be seen, but yeah, to be ready
for something catastrophic like this or a body
to go tumbling past. It's like I'm tumbling now.
And a 14 doesn't beat your armor class, right,
Russer? No. You, being a dwarf, just, you have
this gigantic hammer swing right over your head.
Do you wear anything on your head? A helmet?
A hat? Braids? A bird? something decorative it's
just hair a candle your hair even like it's so
close it gets wisped up as this hammer just misses
smashing into your head now it's a new round
of initiative four does a 21 hit russer yes 21
hits uh this minotaur swings at you again Doing
only three damage and knocking you back with
its hammer. Aurora, does a 20 hit? Yeah, yeah.
He smashes you for four with this hammer, sending
you sprawling back into the other wall. Both
of you make a dex saving throw to avoid falling
into lava. 14. Do I get to add to all my saving
throws? Yes. Plus three? Okay. Yep, your cloak
of protection gives you a plus three to all saving
throws. Eleven. Does it beat your... Oh, it's
eight. Yeah. Yeah, I got worried too. I was going
to say like fifteen. What's your saving throw?
Eleven. It is eleven. Okay, you both avoid getting
tossed into lava. It is now all of your guys'
turn. I am going to pound a health potion. Yeah,
me too. Okay. That's a bad idea. I'm not going
to yet. I had to. I was at one. I'm at two. I'm
at three. I'm going to attack. Okay. As you declare
that, Brax springs up and dives both daggers
into this minotaur, and he actually hits this
time. Yay! Awesome. It's my turn? Our turn? No,
you guys used your actions to slam health potions.
I did not. Oh, you did not. I decided not to
do that. I got a 24 to hit. 24 hits. And a 6
for damage. And then I'm going to use my once
per day extra attack from this sword. Okay. 16?
A 16 does not hit. Aurora. Counter sword is once
per day or per 24 hours? Once per day is what
it says in the book. I'm just wondering how long
we've been down here and when it is. We've determined
it was 30... We should be pushing 40, 50 minutes
at this point. Okay. Right? Just curious. Yeah,
it's not been a new day since you've been down
here because you guys slept. Oh, we came down
here in the morning, didn't we? Yeah. Oh, okay.
I thought it was new day. Because you guys slept
in the stairwell as well. Okie doke. I'm going
to use my lightning scepter. Okay. Do I have
to roll for it? You have to roll to hit still.
Okay. Does that count? What is it? Not good.
Well, it's a nine, but it's a 12 when I add my
plus three to my... Oh, I don't roll. Yes, I
do. No, you'd add a plus two. You cast the lightning
spell out of the end of the scepter and it goes
crashing past the minotaur, but you do miss.
You now lose a charge. Fuck. And it's a new round?
Everybody what? Yeah, me too. A two. Ooh, rollsies.
Five. Okay, you guys do get the first round.
Slice. Yeah, that's a one. Brax also rolled a
one. I don't re -roll one. Ruster also rolled
one. No, that's a seven. Okay, Aurora. You guys
are all... pretty much flying around this room
trying to attack this minotaur. It is your turn.
Can I try to get behind it and hit it with my
chain mace? Yeah. Okay. That's a seven. That's
a nine. Nine misses. He crashes his hammer into
Brax and smashes him against the wall, and you
listen as the majority of his bones break and
he falls into one of these lava streams. That
sucks. Did he die? I was like, remember in American
Dad, when Roger comes down with the elbow and
the guy just splits in half? Did he die? Brax
does seem very dead, and he is melting in this
pool of lava. However, the Minotaur's second
swing with his hammer goes clear over all three
of your guys' heads, missing completely. I would
like to pull... Brax out of the lava. I don't
think there's any Brax left to pull out of the
lava, Aurora. That's a new round. If there is
enough Brax to pull out of the lava, I am just
looking to get the ring off his finger. Okay.
We'll wait for a new round to do any of those
things. Which is now. Right? Everybody went.
Yes. Three. Okay. The Minotaur swings with his
hammer, letting out angered grunts with each
one. The hammer is obscenely large, and you can
tell even on his large frame, it's taking a toll
swinging it so much. And he's getting a little
sloppy, missing each of you completely. Oh, we're
tiring him out at least. I will try my chain
mace. You're not going to pull Brax out? You
don't have to. He's melting. Yeah, I think truck,
yeah. Okay. I feel terrible. I don't like doing
this. Okay. I'm going to bash at him. It's a
four. A four is a definite miss. Yeah. I'm upset.
I'm going to slice at him. That's a 25. A 25
hits. And a seven for damage. You slice at him
one more time, and he raises his hammer up behind
his head, but as you slam your sword into him,
the weight from it drags him down, and he collapses
backwards onto the ground. Okay. I'm going to
check his pockets and then push him into the
lava. I'm not going to push him into the lava.
I'm going to drag Drax out now. Brax out now.
All right. Using my turn, I was going to still
see if I could get the ring. Okay. Truck, you
search the Minotaur's body. You do find a superior
healing potion in one of his pouches. Aurora,
you pull what's left of Brax. out of the lava,
which is just his upper torso and his one arm
that's outstretched. And now you're holding just
kind of the top half of him as Russer comes over
and plucks the ring off of his finger. She's
like tearing up and you're stealing rings. Put
it on with the other rings. Now, the rest of
this room has one brazier that's kind of lighting
it up, sitting in the corner. The lava doesn't
do too much to actually light this room or the
hallway in front of you, but you do have also
a long, dark corridor that opens up into another
room at the end of it. I'm going to drink my
health potion now. I'm also going to drink a
health potion now. The regular health potion,
not the superior health potion. Ugh. It's only
three. Shit, we lost two of the daggers. At first
I thought they controlled the dead. That's why
I thought they were a combination thing to control
all the dead. And then when all the dead died,
I didn't see a use for them. I need better healing
stuff. Only at five still. Same. We should have
planned better. Now we're going to wait for,
what did you say, two, three months to regain
full health? It's four weeks, yeah. We'll just
sit here. We'll just sit here for four weeks.
All right. Oh, wildlife. Four weeks later. Yeah,
no, not that. Aurora, go ahead and make me a
perception check, please. Oh, no. It's a three.
Cool. Cool. I knew that staff was doing something.
Guys, it seems like nothing's going on at all
in this room right now. I feel very bad, but
yet we should, you know, keep marching forward.
How bad does everybody feel? Pretty fucking bad.
I think I have the most HP at eight. I've got
five. Five. Okay. What do you do? What does her
staff look like again? The twisted up into a...
Up into a claw. A claw? Yeah. Like a claw with
fingers? Like a clawed hand or like an actual
like claw? Like, you know, like a delicious Italian
food. So I can't put the rings on this thing?
No. Okay. No. That would be cool. Yeah. So what
are you guys doing? Well, give me one of those
rings, Russell. It doesn't seem like Brax had
any, you know... He seemed not much different
afterwards. I'm going to try it out. All right,
all right, all right. Give each one of you a
ring. All right, we do this together? And I put
on the other six. Okay. You guys actually put
them on? Yes. All right. You all take 6d12 fire
damage. No. Now, each of you feels a little bit
more emboldened when you put them on, and they
vibrate and attune as soon as you do. Each of
you can take a plus two to your armor class.
These are plus two rings of protection. They're
also going to give you a plus two to your saving
throw. So we're going to handle that the same
way we handle Aurora's cloak of protection. So
just add that to your saving throws. So now I
add six to my saving throw? Three plus two is
five. Oh, yeah, sorry. It's okay. Math is hard.
Yeah. It's only a math -based game. But, yeah,
Zo5 will be for yours. I was just going to change
it to 8. You can do it either way. Okay. I don't
care. However you want to track it works for
me. What's everybody's AC at now? 15. I want
to tell you. 16. 16. All right. You're both looking
pretty good. Oh, you're all looking pretty good.
It's my HP that really needed the help. Yeah,
you guys are not looking good on that front.
Oh, good thing you put the rings on. What does
Cure Light Wounds do again? That's a healing
spell? Like a permanent... So I have one spell
slot left. I just... Like full health, I mean,
not permanent. No, it doesn't fill you up permanently.
Yeah, I know. But does it fill up the... No,
no, no. No, it doesn't fill you up fully either.
Okay. It is 1d6 plus 1. Ew, gross. So same as
the... A basic healing potion? It is a level
1 spell. Would you be casting it as a first level
spell? Because you don't have any first level
spells left, do you? I have a third level spell,
but on 5e we can use a higher spell slot for
a lower spell. Yeah. I don't remember anything
in the rules talking about that, but I will allow
it. So add 1d6 per level that you cast it at.
So at a level 3 you can do 3d6 plus 1. Okay,
I'm going to cast it now. Okay. On myself. Sorry,
guys. Oh, my gosh. A six, a five, and a three.
Okay, so 14 plus one, 15. Oh, I'm at full health.
I feel much better. I'm sorry I don't have any
left over. If only you had done that for Brax
earlier. It was too late for Brax. He got over
that quick. All right. Anything else? I try and
lift up this hammer. Sure, give me a strength
check. I got a 14. Beats my saving throw. You're
able to lift it, but it's unwieldy. It is not
meant for a creature your size. You can lift
it, but it's pretty much like a power lifting
move. I drop it back down. It slams down with
a thud. Can't take that. It's too big. It is
a bit big. Well, we slowly progress down this
corridor. Nice little moseying pace, you know,
just kind of. Would you like me to go first again?
I'll go first and sneak and trap search and whatnot.
It's a 15. Beat your saving throw? Oh, yeah.
Okay. As you're about halfway down this hallway,
you do notice that the floor has a marked change
in it about midway, and it goes from stone to
a kind of faux stone pressure plate in front
of you. That's about two feet long. Beyond that,
you can start to see that the chamber in front
of you is... Pretty well lit, and there are,
once again, a number of people standing around.
They are dressed like the rest of the cultists
in here, and there is a kind of throne beyond
them, but you're having a hard time seeing past
the group of people that are in there. So there
is an actual trap right in front of me, is what
you said, with the faux stone? Mm -hmm. Okay.
I'm going to let them know. Guys, there's a fake
stone right here. Just avoid it, and it'll set
off a trap. Just go around. Okay. I'll do my
best. Slip around and I'll continue to sneak.
I watch very carefully. What does the perimeter
look like? Is it something I can sneak around
in? No, it's a long hallway with two tubes of
lava going down the side, and then it opens up
into a chamber similar to the one that was upstairs
at the end of the hallway. Okay. This one has
a throne and not a giant statue? Correct. Does
the throne, is the throne proportional to that
statue upstairs? No. Totally different sizes.
Yeah. Okay. Yeah, it is not a giant. Just want
to make sure that that wasn't actually, you know.
That'd be wild. Yeah. Ah, crap. It's actually
smaller than she really is. She's, you know,
70 feet tall. Okay, good. As long as this throne's
not. meant for that either would be good no um
nobody sticks out among the cultists nobody that
you can see okay yes i'm just gonna try and sneak
i still am gonna try and sneak farther into the
room along the back wall i guess so You can't
fully see against any of the walls because there
is like lava running down. Oh, so it actually
goes around. Okay. Yeah, it ran through the middle
of it. No, sorry. It goes along the perimeter.
Got it. Okay. Okay. I was envisioning it going
down like two with like a walkway in between
and a walkway on the other side. No. Okay. We'll
wait for these guys to catch up. Okay. Do we
just go guns a blazing or what? I don't know
what other options we have. I mean, we can. walk
in there and not immediately start attacking,
but then I feel like we will be immediately attacked.
Okay, so lightning bolt this into the center
of the room? No, that's a bad plan. Are any of
the cult... I'm trying to say, is it the cultist
farthest back? Are they by themselves? Can I,
like, go pick one off? No, this room is not,
like, that large. Like, if you... If one dies,
it's definitely going to be seen by a lot of
other people. It's not like there's any just
kind of hanging to the back. Okay. Just trying
to narrow down any... No, there's pretty much...
They're all kind of lined up in front of you,
staring towards the front of this room. I mean,
we could just walk in. They're waiting for a
charmed guy who's... You know, there's sacrifice.
There's that. I could walk in unarmed or hiding
my sword behind my back. I wondered how much
oil was left in that skin. Is it enough to toast
you up the room a little bit? They're down here
with lava. I don't know how much that they're
going to care about a little bit of oil. These
are the humans, though. They are. The cultists
are the humans. You could definitely give that
a try. Yeah, I'm going to try and... Take the
skin of oil with whatever's left in it and kind
of like grab the bottom of it and spin, trying
to splash as much of it out as I can. Onto the
people? Onto the peoples. Okay, we're definitely
going to notice this. Yeah, we're going to try
and set as many of them on fire as we can. How
do you plan on starting this fire? I have four
torches left. Okay, cool. Well, torches don't
start fire. Are they currently on fire? Maybe
your lightning can... Yeah, maybe your lightning
will set it on fire. Okay, so back to the guns
of blazing. I'm going to blast into this crowd
of people. Guns of blazing it is, then. 21 to
hit with the oil skin. I'm sure you throw the
oil skin into this room. And a nat 20 to use
my lightning bolt scepter to start the fire and
hit as many people as I can. Splash oil. I'm
holding on to the skin. Okay. Okay. Roll me 1d6,
Derek. Sorry, Russer. Six. Okay. Roll me one
d4, Aurora. Three? We either did really well
or really bad. Two of the cultists go up in flames
immediately, screaming at the pain. Another one
is on fire and she sheds her robe. She's scantily
clad at this point with some severe burns going
up her body. Truck, you also get a move, so why
don't you go ahead and take it unless you don't
want to. Uh, no. I'm definitely going to take
my move. Unless you don't feel like it. No, I'm
just going to hang back and see how this plans
out. And seeing all this commotion, I will run
in with a combat fury attack. Are there one hit
die people in here, I assume, since they just
went up in flames? Yep. All right. Oops. All
right. So that's a 22 to hit. 22 definitely hits,
yeah. And 4 damage. Okay. And 21 to hit. Okay.
And 8 damage. Okay. 17 to hit. Okay. 4 damage.
Okay. What is that, 4? Yep. Oh. Oh, that's a
seven. 14 to hit. A 14 will hit one of them,
yeah. And four damage. You come in in a fury,
eliminating the entire back row of enemies, just
about, leaving just one. who collapses to the
ground and is kneeling, their guts kind of spilling
out onto the floor. And being the one that's
most into this room now, sitting in front of
you on a throne is a beautiful woman with large,
leathery, black bat wings who's kind of like
just draped across this throne, feeding herself
something. On her right, she pets a two -headed
hellhound, and there are three... remaining cultists
in here one of them has a large hood and extremely
large axe uh and two of them brandish claymores
and they the three of them charge you however
they all manage to miss you completely 14 ties
your ac No, my AC is a 16 now. Excellent. So
that's even better. The hellhound lunges at you
from its seat and it's not able to damage you,
but it grabs both of your arms, kind of spreading
them apart with its jaws. The succubus that is
on the throne, she's pretty scantily clad as
a succubus would be. She has large ram -like
horns and around her neck, she has a gold chain
that kind of... dives into her actual skin, disappearing
in between her breasts on her chest. So she's
wearing metal. In a flash, she is behind you
and says, well, you're not the sacrifice I was
looking for, but you'll have to do. Can you please
make me a charisma saving throw with a negative
three penalty, please? So I rolled a 13. My saving
throw is a 10. So minus 2 would be a 10, but
then I get plus 2 to saving throws. So is that
an 11? A 12. Oh, even better. So you pass. Yes.
As she hisses this wickedly in your ear, and
you don't fall for her charms, she pulls out
two daggers from her side and tries to stab you.
However, your armor seems to be more protected
than she anticipated, and both of them bounce
off. However, she's directly behind you. Everybody.
Nope. Somebody roll me an initiative. Three.
She whispers in your ear once again. Well, this
is interesting. Stronger than I thought. Can
you make me another saving throw? 14. Pass. Awesome.
She hisses wickedly at her failed charm attempt.
Does a 20 beat your armor class? Yes. Yes, it
does. Okay. Um, she dives a dagger in between
your chainmail, and it stabs up under your ribs.
You take five damage. And she pulls it out. It's
got, like, a pretty wicked barb on it. You're
bleeding pretty profusely. Very, very profusely.
I have fallen to zero HP. Oh, no! I do have a
superior healing potion in my pocket. Her hellhound
grabs onto you again. However, it's... Not biting
hard enough to do any damage, but it does knock
you to the ground and begin dragging you further
into this room towards her throne and away from
your group of friends. And neither a 5 or a 10
beats your AC, right? Mine? No. Yep. Good. Really
taking a beating over there. Yep. Ragdolled out
now. Fuck. I knew I should have drank that hill
giant potion before coming into the room. The
one cultist with the executioner's axe and hood
shouts at the other two, directing them towards
you. Aurora, does a 21 beat your armor class?
Oh, yes. Okay. One of them crashes down with
their claymore, doing six damage to you as they
cleave you across the chest. Does a 15 beat your
armor class, Rosser? No. Okay. The other one
clangs off your ring of protection glowing as
it magically protects you from taking damage.
Down the corridor, the one with its guts pretty
much spilling out runs forward, does a 22 beat
your armor class. Yeah. Or 21, sorry. A little
bit. She dives at you with her dagger doing three
damage. And now it is all of your guys' turns.
So I have zero HP, so do I have to roll a death
saving throw? In this one, when you're dead,
you're dead. Oh, okay. So it's up to everybody
else to do something, otherwise you lay there
unconscious. There is no, like... I will run
up and give him his own potion. You fish his
superior health potion out of his pants, dumping
it down his throat? Yeah. Okay, you're standing
right in front of the two -headed hellhound at
this point, as you do. That's fine. Okay. Go
ahead. That's 3d6 plus 1 HP back to truck. Oh,
such crap. It's a 7 altogether. Woof. All right.
It is now, though, truck and russer. It is your
guys' turn. In this room, there are still four
cultists, a double -headed hellhound, and the
queen of the succubi. And two of the cultists
just hit me, right? Yeah. Can I drink my hill
giant, my giant strength potion as a free action?
I mean, we haven't let anybody else drink potions
as a free action. I was meant to drink it before
I came into the room. Just things went so quickly.
Well, let me think about it. It's like as I'm
coming back from the, you know, from being unconscious,
it was like, you know, sleep, sleep drinking
potions. I didn't even do it really. Russer,
what are you doing? We'll come back to truck.
Does a 16 hit one of the cultists? Yes. I am
going to take my dagger and stab it right into
their inner thigh. Okay. Four damage. All right,
you stab one of the ones with claymores, one
of the ones with daggers, or the one with the
axe. The one that hit me last, I don't know which
one that was. Oh, that was just a regular, it
was the last soldier that truck did not take
out. Okay, yeah, that one. Okay, you stab her
in the thigh, and blood just squirts out, hitting
her femoral artery, and she dives to the ground,
holding her leg, and it's not long before she
dies. Where the lights go out in Georgia. Did
I roll onto my... Just stand up, basically. Okay.
Aurora, you're the... Oh, no, you went. I went.
I healed. All right. And Trump, I'm going to
take my potion of giant strength. Okay. And try
to, like, take cover behind the throat or something.
Run, if I can also do that. All right. Then it's
a new round. Okay, so it's... 1d6 plus 1 rounds
that the potion lasts for? That's correct, yep.
What we said? Okay. So 7 rounds then. 7 rounds,
alright. And what does that do for you overall?
What is the... What is the boon? Plus 1d6 to
damage and plus 4 to hit. Okay, so do you have
a plus 11 to hit right now or something? Yes.
Oh my god! Hey, human fighter, man. Alright.
Sounds good. Did you roll for initiative? Three.
Okay, you guys get the first round. I would like
to immediately shoot at the queen lady with my
lightning bolt sector. Okay. 19, maybe 30, 20.
Okay, yeah, that hits. Hell yeah. Roll for damage.
Oh, yes. Three. Okay. You strike her with a lightning
bolt. She fries a little, and her wings twitch
as she pulls them back in close to her body,
getting struck with this scepter of lightning.
Actually, hold on. Time T .O. T .O. I still only
have seven health, though. But I should be able
to do at least a decent amount of damage if I
can land a hit. And if I can't land a hit with
a plus... Plus 11 to hit. My apologies. Did you
use this earlier on the Minotaur? Yeah. And did
you hit? I think you missed. I think I missed
on the Minotaur. Sorry. It's 1d6 points of damage
per the level of the caster. Oh. So you're 5d6
on a lightning damage. 5d6? My bad. I didn't
mean to shortchange you there. Thanks. Yeah,
this is much better. The only thing that would
have affected was our attack on the cultist at
the beginning. Yeah, that was different because
she was trying to light the fire on fire. Okay.
6, 12, 17, 19, 23? A much harder hit. Strike
her very hard with Lightning Bolt, and she takes
several steps back, and her eyes glow a wicked
red for a moment, and she sets her sights directly
on you and unfurls her wings, taking a much more
offensive stance than she had before. Ugh, I'm
offended. Then I'm going to strike her when she
turns her back on me from behind. That's a 25
25. Yeah, so then I Roll a 3 plus a 3 plus 1
Okay, and then it says 1d 6 damage also another
3 so 9 Do I add the plus 3 for my sword to the
second d6 rule? No, but it doesn't matter as
you spring from behind the chair and plunge your
sword through her Her wings twitch and shudder,
and you hear her begin to speak in abyssal as
you pull your sword back out, and she falls to
the ground, body emanating a gray smoke, and
she ceases to move. Well, that was easier than
I thought. You really cooked her with that lightning
bolt. Yeah, I must have not been using it correctly
earlier. Did you go yet? I'm going to stab the
next cultist next to me. There's a 15 hit? Which
one are you aiming at? I don't know which one
was next to me. There's two of them. Yeah, there's
two of them right. You have the attention of
both of them who are right in front of you. The
one with the claymore and the one with the axe.
Which one has a lower AC? Wouldn't you like to
know? I'll go with the axe. Then you miss. It's
nice knowing you guys. Does a 21 beat your AC?
Absolutely. The one with the large executioner
axe comes down, hitting you for five damage.
We the dead. As it strikes through, causing a
large gash right at the base of your neck and
down into your collarbone. Rosso, no! Or does
a 15 beat your AC? No. The... Ooh, actually...
Does a 17 beat your AC? You can't just add it
later. No, I'm sorry. This is a Berserker, so
they get a plus two to their attack rolls, plus
she has a plus two sword. Okay. So she adds plus
four, so a 17. Yes, that does beat me. You take
four points as she slashes you across the stomach.
Ruster, does a 23 and a 20 beat your AC? That's
Truck. Sorry, Truck. Does a 23 and a 20 beat
your AC? Let me see. Yes. The two -headed hellhound
dives out after you have killed its owner, grabbing
you with both jaws and shaking you violently.
In opposite directions, ripping me in half? It
does 12 damage. Then yes, that is what happens.
So it rips you pretty much limb from limb and
then burns you with a gout of fire. Oh my god!
Aurora, you're the last one left. Oh, no. It's
my turn? It is your turn. Okay. There's Cerberus,
Axeman, and Claymore. God, ripped apart by hellhound.
I got cut in half on executioner's axe. You did.
Everybody was in half. We were doing all right.
Brax is a foreshadowing. Mm -hmm. I am going
to back away from the dog into that other...
It's not really a corner, but the corner here.
Yeah. And I'm going to shoot my scepter and try
to hit both of those people. Okay. The axe and
the claymore guy. Sure. Try to send it between
them. It's a d20 roll first. Oh, yeah. Straight
to damage. 16 hits. Okay. 16 hits one of them.
Did you add your plus one to bless? No. Okay.
That's a 17. So it hits both of them? It would
hit both of them, yeah. Hell yeah. And what do
I get? 5d6? 5d6. 1d6 per caster level. 18 damage.
You fry the both of them where they stand and
they collapse on top of Ruster's body. Excellent,
I guess. Leaving just you and the ally. Who snarls.
at you and stalks you down. Rolling a two and
a one, which is a five and a four. It lunges
for you, towards you, gnashing at you wildly,
missing. However, it does a 13 or a four for
you, Tracy. 13? No. It sprays fire all over the
room, trying to hit you as it wildly attacks.
Okay, well, it doesn't. And then it's my turn?
That's correct. I'm going to smoke it with the
scepter. 13 to 10. A 13 to 10. Does a 20 hit?
Yes. One of its jaws as it lunges at you is able
to snack on your side, doing five damage as its
teeth dive into your side. I die knowing we failed
our mission to save our friend and bring him
back to life, and we should have just enjoyed
our own lives. The dog stands over you, and as
one head howls, the other one lets out a gallant
flame into the air, high into the air, as the
three of your lights go out permanently. Oh,
man. Damn, you guys came so close. That was a
fast turn. We got the fucking BBEG. The world
shudders violently as the three of you lay there
in the pile along with all the other dead cultists
and Melakantatat, the queen of the succubi. And
the rest of the world hears a booming voice tremble
out across the plain. Who killed my mother? Who
slain my mother? I, the great Anangrost, Maw
of the Abyss, Tarrasque of the Great Wheel, will
tear this plain apart in honor. I will not stop
until the world is stained with the blood of
the innocent. However, you guys don't hear that
because you're dead. We did good. Roll credits,
I guess. Back in the old hermit's cabin. He stands,
and as the world shudders and we hear this across
the plain, the old man begins to stand a little
straighter, his eyes a little brighter, knowing
that the curse has been broken, that has been
set upon him. All right, well, that's that, guys.
Thank you so much. Until next time, we will...
See you next Next Tuesday. That's it for today's
episode. We hope you've enjoyed listening as
much as we've enjoyed playing. If you have, go
run and tell all your friends so that we can
turn as many people into CritCats as possible.
Tales from the Crit is a Wolfbeard Games audio
podcast. And if you like us, please subscribe
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And head on over to our Instagram page and our
YouTube channel. Both of those are at Tales from
the Crit Podcast. All right. Bye -bye. The old
man begins to stand a little straighter, his
eyes a little brighter, knowing that the curse
has been broken, that has been set upon him.
Oh my. Damn. Fucker played us. Guess so. Huh.
I mean, I guess we did technically succeed. Not
at what we were intending. Not at what we were
intending, but at what we were sent to do, I
guess. Man, I just TPK'd everybody. Yep. You
did, yep. Hooray! Good job. Thanks. Sorry. I
was really rooting for you guys. I gave you guys
an extra guy. That just turned fast, though,
at the end there. Yeah, she didn't even get to
cast Fireball, which she had one of. You guys
did a lot more damage right at the beginning
to all the cultists and everything. She wasn't
even going to step into round three if it was
going bad. But truck being able to slaughter
half a room full of people. That was awesome.
I wasn't expecting her to come in right away.
So I was trying to come up with a witty thing
to say to her. Yeah, I had things. No time. And
then you're just like, nope, she teleports across
the room and stabs you in the back. I was like,
oh, fuck, this just went bad. Yeah, there was
dialogue for her. There was things planned, but
you guys. We didn't want to hear it. Yeah, no,
he just rushed in. Oh, man. I really thought
those plus two rings of protection might help
out a little bit more. Well, they did a lot.
Yeah, there were some good rolls that the bad
guys have. And I feel like a lot of times it's
really anticlimactic when the bad guy just rolls
nothing at all over and over. Which, like, she
didn't do a great job at first with Truck trying
to charm him, even with a plus three superior
charm. It was pretty close. I'm sorry you guys
died. Yeah, well. You may have uncursed a hermit,
but you've cursed the whole world. Yes. So the
mortal realm is definitely in much more danger
than it was before we started. But we're not
here to deal with it, so we're good. Yeah. Well,
I think that's our first TPK, at least in an
RPG. I know we've lost. Yeah. Have we TPK'd ever
before? Only when we tried to build that fort.
Yeah. Just the forts. The forts. Yeah. Let's
see. I know we lost The Last of Us. We lost Escape
the Dark Sector. Every time. Every time. Almost
TPK'd in Going Dark. Wow. Every single thing
with the name Dark in it, we have done poorly.
Didn't we lose War with the Evil Power Master?
No, we won War with the Evil Power Master. We
lost when we were just trying to play with Derek
and Renee that one time. Yeah. We've played that
one a few times. We did. I've lost that one more
than once. Are you sure we didn't lose that one?
I thought we did. Because Renee played that one.
I feel like we lost. I think we lost, too. Super
close. Oh, yeah. No, we did lose. We did lose.
Was that the one we got literally to the end?
Yeah. You were the robot, right? Yeah. Yeah,
you betrayed us all. Yeah, you lived. The rest
of us died. Yeah. You got charmed. At the end.
And a barbershop quartet. That's right. Yeah.
So we lost that one. Almost had a TPK and we
deal in lead. But John won in a duel. Which is
really cool. So we killed Old Tallman in Fallout.
I can't think of any RPG that we have. Like one
that I've run that I TPK'd the party. This is
it. Season 3. Finally TPK'd you guys. Yeah. It's
taken a while. Cool ending, though. Yeah. You
guys didn't get squished by the trap, which is
great. That is great, because I would not have
seen the trap. Yeah. I really thought we were
going to save our friend and have an ending episode.
I'm sorry. Hey, it ends how it ends. Yeah. We
did. We didn't have any healing anything anyway.
We didn't have healing potions. I didn't have
any spells. You guys were at least fucked. You're
going to go meet your friends in Valhalla. We're
going to meet our friend right now. Well, mission
succeeded. Hope it's better down here. We're
already pretty far down. Yeah. Oh, man. Well,
all right. Well, thanks, guys. Yeah. Really enjoyed.
I don't know how I feel right now. I'll see you
in a few Tuesdays. For sure. The next RPG I think
we are running is going to be Wendy's Feast of
Legends, which I don't think is going to be...
Well, it's definitely not going to be as dark.
It had a darker tone than a lot of the ones that
I've run. Although Anna left a comment. About
how her, you know, Ea, her actual D &D character,
loved the last episode and the screaming and
stuff. She's pretty morbid, which is awesome.
So, yeah. Well, this is one for the archives.
White box. No survivors. Nope. None. Cool. Not
even Drax. Definitely not Drax, man. That poor
guy. Actually, there was one survivor. The guy,
the invisible guy. The invisible guy, yeah. Did
he make it out? Game in flush water, sure. He's
wandering somewhere through the underworld. Oh,
no. Lucky guy. With very burned feet. But he's
invisible. Hot feet and an invisible ring. Should
have took that ring. I thought you guys were
going to. I didn't know it was on his hand. I
didn't know it was a ring. I didn't realize either.
I thought he could just do it. I guess. It seems
good. You didn't tell us it was a ring. That
would have been the first thing I took off him.
I think Connor even asked what he was wearing.
You're like, just prisoner stuff. Yeah. That
would have been the first thing I took off of
him. Yeah. Well, you know, that's fine. Thank
you. Oh, he hid it well. It was around his neck.
It was in a cock ring, not a finger ring. That's
how I'm getting around that. Wow, I've bumbled
that one. I'm sorry. Eh, either way. I liked
the ending. I thought it went not well, but narrative
- It was exciting. It was exciting. Yeah. It
was exciting. You guys went down in a blaze of
glory. I didn't think you guys were going to
beat the Queen of Succubuses quite so easy. Yeah,
well, once I started using the scepter, right?
Yeah, I totally read that wrong the other day
when I was like, I'm going to put this in here.
Good thing you guys cast Hold Person on the lady
that had it. Yeah, we would have been fucked.
I would have fried you guys a long time ago,
but she wasn't able to use it at all. But you
would have been using it wrong. I don't know,
because I would have looked it up still just
like I did for you, because something seemed
wrong. And then he would have laughed. He would
have fried us. I did have an arrow that would
have taken her out, too. I had one of those arrows
left. Should have used it on the dog. It potentially
could have, yeah. Yeah, killing the dog would
have saved my life. Killing the dog was definitely.
The dog also killed me. The dogs were way more
dangerous than. Than anything else. Yeah. They
were scary. Especially with just like that plus
two fire that they did at the end. Yeah. When
you're asking does, oh, does 24 hit? Does 21
hit? I'm like, you're rolling. Okay. They have
definite increases on there. Yeah. Yeah, nothing.
I try not to do anything too extreme. But the
berserkers, every level of cultist had like a
higher plus to their weapons and rings of protection.
Oh, and rings of protection. Yes. Regular humans
just have an AC of 12 in the book. A human soldier
has an AC of 12. Or is that like the ring with
the dagger, the ring with the axe, the ring with
the... Yeah, so the executioner... looking one
was technically a sergeant in arms so she had
four um yeah four hit dice but she had a plus
three axe and a plus three ring of protection
yep glad they all decided to pile on me hey man
they saw me there i know Yeah, but we did. I
think we did well for what we were. You guys
almost made it to the end of the dungeon. How
much was left on that dog? We're going to have
to fight. How close were we? The dog never got
hit. The dog was still at four. The dog never
got hit. Yeah, the dog never took a single point
of damage. It was at 20. So I would have had
to use the arrow on him if we had a chance. Mm
-hmm. This feels like in Skyrim when you go through
and you're like, yeah, these are going to be
really important later on. And then you're like
selling them for two bucks. God damn it. You
just have to throw them all in the next fight.
I typically make a lot of money that way. I collect.
That's all I do in Skyrim. It's the only way
to pay for stuff. I thought you meant by throwing
them. Yes. I make money by being a sideshow freak.
Okay. Now it's a new round of initiative. And
you guys are fucked. Ha, they're actually rings
of missile attraction. Got him.