Welcome to Tales from the Crit Season 3. Bigger,
badder, and stickier. By joining us today, you
have been officially upgraded to Crit Cat status.
So, welcome to the club. Tales from the Crit
is an actual play podcast where we focus on smaller
story arcs from some of your favorite RPGs, as
well as some of the less known or obscure ones.
We also play some highly narrative tabletop board
games and also some micro RPGs. All of those
feature a revolving cast of players, so you're
going to see a lot of variety there. And as always,
I am your host and your Crit Keeper, Riley Groves.
We're so glad to have you here with us today.
Now let's get into the episode. Content warnings
can be found in the description. Thank you. Welcome
back to Tales from the Crit. I am the Crit Keeper,
and I have some lovely folks here at the table
with me today. They are Rebecca. Hello. Derek.
Hello. Connor. Hi, guys. And on the couch is
Renee. Hello. We're happy to have everybody on
board. We are going to be playing White Box,
the fantastic medieval adventure game. It's an
old -school D &D -like game. Different than a
lot of the ones that we have played. I'm excited.
I'm ready to get back into the RPG world. Hoping
I don't kill you guys. I haven't played one like
this in ever. So. Cool. Yeah. Ready? Let's do
it. All right. So to start off, why doesn't everybody
just give a brief rundown of their character,
who they are, kind of what makes them them. If
you're interested in hearing more about their
character creation and how we went through that
process and knowing a bit more about the characters,
please go check out our Patreon because this
is over there as well. And you can get that little
bonus episode, which was super fun to make. And
you'll know all the ins and outs about our characters
at that point. But Connor, why don't we start
with you? Who are you playing? Okay. So for this
game, I'm going to be playing Truck. Truck is
a human fighter. I'm a level five. My alignment
is more lawful. And as part of my fighter abilities,
I have the combat fury for any enemies that have
one hit die. I can take one attack per level
that I have. And I also have a plus two saving
throw to death saves and poison. And I've got
a morning star and a crossbow as well as some
chain mail to protect me. All right. There you
go. Connor has set the precedent for truck. So
Derek and Rebecca, you guys follow that up. Ooh,
this is so descriptive. Would you like to go
next? Sure. My character's name is Aurora. She
is a cleric elf, level 5. She's aligned lawfully.
I have a really cool cloak of protection. I also
have a dope chain mace that has flames on it.
I can do a lot of undead stuff. Yep, you definitely
have Turn Undead and lots of other things. I
do, yes. I can bless, hold person, cure diseases.
You're the only spellcaster type in the party.
That's a lot of pressure. I'm scared. It is.
Awesome. As Derek is playing something else.
I am playing Russer Stoneringer. He is a Dwarven
Thief, level 5, with a neutral alignment. He's
a plus 1 in dexterity. I have two kind of abilities.
One is backstab, and the other is keen detection.
I have for my weapons a dagger, an axe, and a
crossbow. I wear leather armor and have an assortment
of potions and other random gear for thievery
options. Awesome. Well, everybody ready to jump
into it? Yeah. Yes. All right. We're going to
start from a question from our Ultimate RPG Campfire
Questions deck. And that question is, what's
the most crushing defeat your party has ever
had? Well, undoubtedly, it was our last quest
together as a group. We were following our courageous
leader, who we called Fast and Loose, in the
search to find a legendary helm. It was a tough
job, little information to go on. Hordes of enemies
at every turn, but nothing we hadn't done a dozen
times before. It took us weeks before we got
a viable lead, but finally we found it. Sitting
atop the head of a long -dead warrior, being
eaten away by time and weather, it was ours for
the taking. High in the mountains of Halesite,
we faced our final challenge. Storming up to
the peak, battling wave after wave of undead
enemies, the helm was within our grasp until
that damned dragon arrived. As you all fight
your way up the mountainside, turning away hordes
of undead, led by your leader Fasten Overterp.
Fasten loose, if you will. You can see the crown
sitting upon the long -dead Draugr's head at
the precipice of the mountain. And suddenly crashing
down into the top of the mountain is a large...
Red dragon. Holy shit. That's not good. Maybe
it doesn't see us. If we just don't move. From
behind, a new wave of zombies makes their way
up the hill, pushing you closer towards the dragon
itself. Somebody make me an initiative roll.
Okay. It is just 1d6. Oh. For the entire group.
Four. Okay, dragon's going to go first, you guys
are going to go second, and the zombies are going
to go third. Okay. Sounds good. The dragon, whose
intentions are unclear, turns, looking at the
gathering of both undead and your party down
below the mountain, and mumbles something inaudible.
Good thing I brought my fire weapon. Without
a moment's warning, it opens its mouth, and you
can see the red glow emitting from its maw. And
a gout of flame erupts from its jaws. It kills
about 15 of the undead that are coming up behind
you. And just manages to miss all four of you,
luckily. Fasten turns to the group. I don't think
we can hold it, boys. We have to get out of here.
But we're so close to the helm. Gotta keep going.
Just distract it for a minute, we can grab it.
At this point, we could come back, live the fight.
I don't know that we have a way out. We're all
distracted. Everybody should save themselves.
At this point, it's your guys' initiative, so
Festin makes his way towards the dragon, heading
up the hill further. Fasten, not Festin. I don't
think we should run towards the undead. They
just got taken out by a big fireball. Yeah, I
mean, the only way to go is up. We can run down
the other side, just adjacent to the undead.
Okay. I'm going to shoot at an undead with the
crossbow. Okay. Shooting at an undead. There
are about 10 of them left heading up the hill
behind you. At least in this wave. I'm going
to shoot at the one that's closest to us. Okay.
So that's it. Yeah. D20 roll. Everybody. That's
right. Yeah. D20 to beat the AC. Aurora, what
are you doing? I think I'm going to. stay with
Fasten to try to keep him healed? He's kind of
running towards the dragon, towards the helm,
right? Yeah, so he's not running towards the
helm at the moment. He's going to be skirting
up kind of alongside one side of the dragon,
and he's going to shoot at it with his crossbow.
Truck, did you take your turn yet? No. Okay.
You go first. Okay. Seeing Russer shoot at the
undead, I'm also going to lose a bolt from my
crossbow at the nearest undead. Okay. That's
a 15 to hit. Yeah, mine was a 10 to hit. So I
think if those guys are going to try to fight
the undead, I'm going to try to run for the helm.
So a zombie has an armor class of 8, so for the
two that shot at them, go ahead and do your damage.
Well, I don't know what your damage is. Mine
is a 1d6 minus 1 plus 1. Same. Okay. Wow. That
was a 6. Mine was a 3. Aurora, you need to choose
what you're doing. You all kind of act simultaneously.
I said I'm going to run for the helm. You're
making a break for it. Yeah. That's what we came
here for. If Fasten's going to distract the dragon
and these two are going to fight the undead,
I'm going to grab it. If you're sprinting for
it... It's at least two lengths away from you
headed up a hill. So I'm going to need a dexterity
saving throw. So go ahead and roll a d20 plus
any dex modifiers you have and beat your saving
throw. So for some reason I wrote 11 in my saving
throw box. What does that mean? That means you
have to beat an 11. So for saving throws in this,
I don't say this trap is a saving throw of blank.
Anytime you have to roll a saving throw, that's
the number to beat. We roll against our own.
Well, either way, I rolled a 21. Wow. I rolled
an 18, but then I add three. Right on. All right.
So you definitely get halfway to the helm. Or
Fasten's arrow plinks off the dragon, who momentarily
takes his eye off the larger group and follows
little Fasten, who is a halfling, and his movement
around the other side of the dragon away from
the helm. All right. You guys managed to take
out two of the remaining ten. I'm leaving just
eight. Thanks, Connor. The Horde of Zombies attacks
with a combined attack roll of 13. Does that
hit anybody's AC? Nope. That would be just for
Truck and Russer. Truck, just so you know that
these zombies do have a hit dice of just one.
Oh. Which I think you can use your Combat Fury
for. My armor class is a 14, so it does not hit
me. Same. All right. So can I treat the horde
of zombies as one thing and take five attacks
at them? Because I can only attack, like, one
thing per turn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would definitely
say yes. You could attack the horde as they're,
like, technically just a bunch of one -hit -dice
creatures. Have at it, Fury Man. I'm charging
with my Morningstar, just swinging it around.
Maybe I'll be able to then divert my attention
up to the dragon. And the helm. All right. Somebody
else roll me 1d6 for initiative. We re -roll
initiative every single round. That will be a
five. Okay. Just as Fasten had hoped for, the
dragon diverts its attention to him and lets
out another gout of flame. However, just in time,
Fasten is able to dive behind a rocky cliff and
the flames go all around him, melting the snow
down to the grass on the top of the mountain.
However, he does have the dragon's attention
for right now. It is the rest of the group's
turn. I might as well keep running. Go for it.
Seeing the crossbows so easily take out some
of the undead, I'm going to charge in and use
my combat fury attack. and take five attacks
at the horde of zombies with my Morningstar.
All right. That's five d20s. Oh, yeah. Well,
should I just roll? Yeah, okay. We like lots
of dice, so roll lots of dice. 14. That hits.
10. Hits. Oh, actually, 11. Sorry. 11's a hit.
I'm looking at the descending table. Six. Oh,
man. Five. This dice is done. How many is that?
Do I have one more? Four. Alright, not great.
So one? Got one out of those. Cool. It's a three
plus two, so that's a five. Right on. Alright,
you take out another zombie. Sorry, Russer, what
were you doing again? Seeing that truck has stormed
into the horde to hold them back, I'm going to
divert my attention to the dragon and take a
knee and fire a Shot. He does not have his attention
on me. So would that make backstab apply? It's
the sneaky attack. Yeah. Let's see. It just means
I can roll my... I have a plus two... Plus two
to the base hit bonus. And if my attack is successful,
I roll my weapon damage twice. I don't think
that's going to make too much. No, you're right.
It's not going to make too much of a difference.
Now, yeah, that sounds like it would be applicable
in this scenario. All right, then I'm going to
take a knee and fire my crossbow. That is an
18 plus 2. Okay, that does actually hit. I just
realized I forgot to add my 2 hit to all of those
dice. Oh, man. Oh. So that's a 21 to hit. Okay.
And that means I roll my... damage twice and
that would be a one and a five total of six all
right you find purchase with your crossbow bolt
in between a couple scales on this dragon and
the red dragon does swing its head in your direction
now looking down the hill towards you and the
remaining undead and truck give us your dex saving
throw here aurora let's see if you can get to
the helmet Nope, that's a six as you're running
up the hill your feet begin to stumble at the
steep slope The top of the mountain is covered
in icy snow It's it's really difficult terrain
to get up to in order to make it up there. You're
gonna have to Successfully make another saving
throw. However, it's the zombies turn As you
have the sole attention of the zombies at this
point truck and I've just charged into them pretty
much to attack Several of them begin to claw
at you and drag you down towards the ground.
They, four of them, beat your armor class, and
they do seven points of damage to you. Ouch.
All right. And they are attempting to just drag
you down with their teeth and their claws and
kind of rip at your armor. Luckily, you have
a good amount of armor on. That's true. All right.
Connor, why don't you roll for the next initiative
round? We'll just go around in a circle. I got
a two. Good. Yikes. Great. Aurora, while you're
slipping around on the top of the mountain there,
the dragon turns its gaze towards you, seeing
you out of the corner of its eye. It rushes at
you, wings unfolding, flying towards the top
of the mountain, trying to beat you towards the
helm. As it reaches down to bite you on the ground,
you're able to slip between some rocks, evading
its jaws as it flies towards the top of the mountain
and lands next to the helm. Fuck. Is he going
to try and put that thing on? How big is this
helm? The zombies claw at you, and maybe it's
because there's too many trying to attack you
at once that they're stumbling over each other.
But at this point, they're just pulling at your
armor, not able to make purchase with their teeth.
One's got, like, just gums, and he's just, like,
kind of gumming on things. But you are not taking
any damage this round. That's good. Three Stooges
effect. They're all just bumping into each other.
And now it is the three of yours turn. I don't
know what to do now. All right. Well, I'm going
to use my Combat Fury again and remember to add
my plus three to hit this time. Yes. So remember
to use your plus three to hit, your modifier
from your weapon, and add all that together.
The modifier for the weapon is for the damage?
Both. Both? Both. Oh, my. Oh, you've been playing
this all wrong so far. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What?
So if you have a plus one, it is plus one to
hit and plus one for damage. Ah, so that was
a 22. Unfortunately, there are no crits in this
game. 20, 16, 16, 11. What the hell is that thing?
That's a five. That's five, six, seven, eight,
nine. So that one still isn't hit. Four out of
five hits. All right. What do you do? So I've
been kind of knocked to the ground. I explode
upwards, throwing both my arms out and doing
a little twist, knocking a bunch away with the
Morningstar, and then I kick at the ones in front
of me. What do Aurora and Russer do? Aurora's
not sure what to do. Rester's in the same boat.
He's trying to keep an eye on both things that
are going on right now. Truck seems to be holding
his own, but not very well. I've seen these two
stumble and have issues with the dragon trying
to get up the hill. I think I'm trying to support
them as much as I can at the moment. Fasten yells,
Aurora, run! And you see a bolt fly from behind
the rocky crag that he was... It plinks off the
dragon's armor. I'm going to do the same to give
her cover. Yeah, I'm going to keep running for
it. That would be a 12... 13 to hit? You, just
like Fasten, watch your arrow plink off the scales
of this giant beast. Aurora, what'd you do? I
rolled a 17, plus 3. Even though you're stumbling
and you're trying to get off this icy ground,
you make your way up to the weathered altar and
long past Draugr's body with the helm sitting
atop it. The dragon just mere meters away. You
see its eyes glow and it opens its maw, emitting
a red light. I grab it and dodge out of the way.
All right, next initiative. Two. Before you have
a chance to rip the helm off the head, the dragon
lunges forward. Does a 19 beat your AC? Yeah.
He grabs you with his jaw, doing seven damage.
And as he shakes you, and you feel the teeth
through your cloak of protection, he tosses you
down the hill, and you go sprawling closer to
Truck and Russer, leaving the helmet where it
lied. Fuck. And you just took out four zombies?
Um, yeah. Out of the four, I had six, six, five.
And four for damage against them. They're not
very strong, so almost any damage you do against
them is going to kill them. Of the remaining
three, two of them grasp at your upper thighs
and your back and are able to get past your armor
slightly, doing another six points of damage.
Darn it. And now it is the party's turn. I'm
glad you're back down here, Aurora. We gotta
go. These zombies are... I've done a good job,
but I'm not feeling great. We're just going to
abandon the quest? How are we supposed to get
Fasten back down here? Fasten, we've got to go!
Run! I'll meet you down there! I'll cover you!
No, we're down here! Run! What are you, Russer
and Aurora, actually doing? I'm going to shoot
another crossbow bolt at the dragon to keep attention.
He's up the mountain. We're farther down, the
three of us. Correct. So I'm going to try and
keep... Attention on us. That's a four. Okay.
Four does not hit. Aurora, what are you doing?
I am frustrated that I was so close, so I am
going to take it out on these zombies with my
chain mace with the flame. So you're going to
roll a d20. You've got to beat their armor class,
so roll a d20 plus your two -hit bonus. I don't
know what my two -hit bonus is. Yep, that's down
at the bottom of your sheet. It's a plus one.
Okay. It's only a nine. Does your chain mace
have a plus one to it? No, it just does fire
damage and takes away from there to hit bonus.
So you miss with your mace swinging wildly through
the cold night air. You guys watch as Fasten
runs out of the rocky crag that he was hiding
behind and he looses a crossbow bolt as well
and it flies clear over the dragon's head and
he is definitely trying to make his way to the
group. New initiative round. That is a one. Okay.
As the dragon stands where you last saw the helm,
it rears up and you can just see like a red light
begin to glow from its belly up into its mouth
and it lets out the largest scout of flame you
guys have seen yet. And as you see Fasten running
towards the group, this immense turn of fire
comes roaring down the mountain. And for just
the last time, You guys look and meet Fasten's
eyes before he is completely engulfed in flames.
No! Fasten! The dragon then looks up to the sky
and continues to bellow flames up into the night.
Should we go back for the helm? We should go
down the mountain. Yeah. We need to leave. We
need to leave. Run. There's nothing left of Fasten.
We can't go back for him. Aurora, leave him.
Yep, we run. And you all run down the mountain.
Leaving the last two zombies. No, we don't leave
them. We chop them in half on the way down. Oh,
right on. Yeah, we chopped them in half good.
Awesome. You take out the last two quickly as
you move down the hill. And you can continue
to hear the dragon roar and shoot flames into
the sky. And you see him flying over the top
of the mountain, but he doesn't get any closer.
He doesn't pursue. He just stays perched at the
top of the hill. No one told us that the helm
was protected by a dragon. We didn't really have
enough information going into this one. We really
thought we had more than we did, I guess. If
we had known, we would have avoided this fool's
errand. Or at least gotten a bigger party. Rora
sits at a bar named Eltern's Lantern, but referred
to by the locals as The Fist due to its stellar
reputation. The bar is packed this evening with
locals and an unusually high number of out -of
-towners here from the uncomprehensively famous
eel stomping party, in which everyone around
spends a long week stomping eels and planting
seeds. Although you have never understood why
anyone would want to stomp eels or be a farmer,
let alone travel for days or weeks to plant seeds
and stomp eels whose bounty you'll never taste,
and to attend an underwhelming party. Perhaps,
though, your melancholy mood is just a consequence
of spending the year idle without your companions,
your years of adventure coming to a sudden end
replaced by drinking and watching your hard -earned
gold dwindle away. A part of you was eager for
the celebration, hoping that even your friends
may come to town. They weren't far away, but
the last year made the distance feel like they
were a hundred miles in between each of you.
Your mind slips into old adventures. Fasten always
knew what to do, where to find gold, how to keep
your pockets full. But on your own, you feel
lost. Where does one go when they lose their
way? As your mind wanders, like it always does,
you overhear a convo by some men sitting down
the bar. Lost your lady love, eh? Drinking too
much, were you? Plague, actually. Took her only
a fortnight ago. Ah, mate. Sorry for the job.
Nasty sickness running rampant these days. Hey,
she was a good woman. Didn't deserve to go out
that way. Don't know what I'm gonna do to take
care of the kids. Ah, awful business, that is.
Such a shame. Kids growing up without their mums.
If only there was a way to bring her back. Oh,
wouldn't that be a trick? Keep me from having
to sell the little snot noses? I'd do anything
to bring her back. Well, you know, chap, I do
happen to stumble upon some information that
you might be keen on. What are you going on about?
They say there's a hermit that lives only a few
days from here who has the power to bring people
back to life. What are you saying? That I might
be able to feel Melania's touch again? Feel her
touch? Listen to her yap? Give her more little
-ins. All that. You just gotta find the old man.
And lucky for you, I've got a map here showing
right where he is. Oh, fuck off, mate. You think
I'm daft? I ain't no old friend. Just trying
to help a fellow out. Do I not deserve to be
compensated for my hard -earned knowledge? Now,
for only five gold, this map... You're loopy.
That map isn't worth a donkey's shit pile. You'll
have me wandering into a ghoul's den or a gorgon's
lair where you'll be waiting to pick my corpse
clean. Storm off, would ya? Nah, bucko, you got
me all wrong. I'm just trying to help a fellow
out. Listen, how about four gold? In a rage,
the larger man grabs the map holder and throws
him off his stool, knocking him to the ground.
Within moments, the fist shows those who are
unfamiliar how it's got its name. As you sit
unbothered, you see a folded piece of paper getting
tossed around the room through the maelstrom
of fists and feet. Okay, I'm going to watch this
fight unraveling, and I'm going to keep that
paper in my vision, and I'm going to try to casually
kind of grab it without being too noticed and
leave the bar. I think anything that you do isn't
going to be noticed too much because there's
a lot of people fighting. Yes, I do feel bad
for the guy that just wants to see his wife again,
but... I've never been married, so I don't have
the attachment. You grab this piece of paper
and you head out of the bar? Yep. You unfold
it, and it is a map. And on that map, you can
see it's only of kind of the immediate surrounding
area, no more than a few days' ride in any direction.
And it does have a marker on it down to the south.
Hmm. Perhaps we could use this to save Fasten
and bring him back. I'm going to have to find
the others. Definitely going to need help with
this. Who do you head off to first? I believe
Russer's closer by, I've heard. He's a little
more settled down. Truck's a little bit... Less
intelligent. Truck's actually just wandering
around the city somewhere, just going stomp,
stomp, stomp, stomp. Squish, squish. That's not
the only bar. I thought he'd be like out killing
a bunch of things because of the trauma that
we had. It's a bunch of eels. Yes. You head over
to Russer's house where you last knew he was.
Russer, I found this map. Where's the map? I
think we can save Fasten. I'm still pounding
on the door because he's not. He's dead. He doesn't
have to be. He's dead. You can't bring him back.
Well, I think we can. Do you want to try at least?
I'll try to get to the bottom of this. You see
him pull out a bottle of booze. Okay, I think
we've had enough of these. I'm going to try to
gently take it away. That's mine. Okay. You have
your map, I have my bottle. We can't bring Fasten
back. Can't even find the dunce. Okay, well,
why don't you bring that, and I'll bring this,
and let's go find Chuck. Will you carry me? I
could cure some of your drinking wounds. He just
slaps his arm around you and he's like, let's
go! Can I cast hold person and then just drag
him around? I don't think that's how that works.
Okay, so we go and we look for trucks. Singing
and mumbling the whole time. I'm already annoyed.
The drinking is already annoying to me. This
is going to be harder than I thought. And you
head down to the festival. The streets are just
lined, filthily lined with slimy eels that anybody
can stomp on just all through the town. There's
a lot of people around. There's a lot of foreigners
that come in, a lot of people from out of town
that come here just to do this and then to subsequently
use the dead eels as fertilizer to help plant
the seeds for the rest of the year's harvest.
I mean, I definitely don't not stomp on a few
as I'm going through. A couple of eels got got.
Aurora, you got a little something on your boots?
Oh, jeez. Stupid. I get caught up in my boots
all the time. Here, let me wash them off. He
pours booze down your leg. Thank you. And now
I reek of booze. We need more anyway. Stomp,
stomp, stomp. Squish, squish. Squish. Oh, that
looks like Truck over there. With the world record
for stomping. Look, it sounds like him. Squish.
Truck! I'd do the whole arm waves. What are you
doing? Don't get his attention. I'm trying to
avoid him. Well, I'm not trying to avoid him.
I'm trying to get the party back together. I
thought you were hiding me from him. He's been
looking for me for weeks. No, I said I was looking
for both of you. He just keeps following me,
asking me dumb questions about rocks and shit.
Aurora. You love his questions. Chuck, how are
you? Oh, God, here we go. I'm good. How are you?
Better now that I can talk to someone that's
not so drunk. Russell, you're drunk? What are
you drinking? It's empty now. Where can we get
more? You didn't save me any? Right over there.
Well, they're out, too. I was there already.
Well, we're going to need two bottles because
you got some shite on your boots, too. Here,
give me that bottle for a minute. I got a trick.
And then I take it from my stoop down and kind
of just squish some smashed eel into this bottle.
Here you go. Give this a try. I raise it to my
nose. It smells like shite. Did you drink it?
All right. Me first. Nope. You're right. That's
best for the plants. He drank eels? Did you see
that? Yeah, that was very disturbing. There's
a little... A little... A little... Oh, good.
Perhaps you'll sober up now. I got it off of
his boots, at least. What are you guys doing
here? Did you come to squish the eels? Well,
partly. But I also found this map. I think we
can save our dear friend Fenster. Festin. I was
there too. You saw Fester get burned up. We can
save Festin? Yes. I saw him die. How can we save
him? I found this map that leads us to the...
Perhaps we should have this conversation elsewhere
without prying ears. Tally in. Good, because
that's how I got the map, was my prying ears.
So I don't want someone else to take it. That
sounds like a good point. As you two drag Russ
into the inn, arm around each one of your shoulders.
Are your feet off the ground? Probably. Yeah,
because I'm tall. I'm an elf, so I was going
to say like six feet. Or at least dragging without
any ability to do anything. And you guys find,
and there's several, this town is a medium -sized
village. You find one right nearby that's a little
bit quieter, set off a side street. Okay, so
this guy had this map, and he said it leads to
a hermit who can bring people back to life. Do
you think he can bring Fasten back? That's what
I was hoping. It would be nice to get the gang
back together. I mean, it's been a pretty...
Brutal year. I would be engaged to go try and
bring Fasten back if we could find this hermit.
I agree. Russ, he's... Is he awake? Hold on a
second. Right there. Miss? I'll take an ale.
So, Russ, when did the drinking start? It's pretty
intense. It's morning for our fallen friend.
Coworker. Yeah, you should take care of that.
I'll be fine. So you think we can bring him back,
you do? I think it's worth a try. Well, what
is on this map? How far away? It looks like it's
right next door. It seems like it's only a few
days right away. It's a few days right away.
Through what? Fields of flowers or fire and flames?
The river and the woods. To grandmother's house.
Oh, that sounds nice. The majority of the journey
does look like it is travelable by road. Well,
does anyone have any coin for horses? I have
no money at the moment. This year has been pretty
rough. I just won the eel stomping competition
earlier, so I have a little bit of money. Oh,
congratulations. Roll me 1d100. 54. All right,
so you have 54 gold. They gave me 54 gold for
stomping the most eels in the amount of time.
There was five minutes to stomp as many eels
as you could, and I stomped the most. Excellent.
Or maybe I just stomped them the most thoroughly.
Either way, I'm ashamed to have missed it. It
was a lot of fun. I'm sure you would have enjoyed
it. Sure. You certainly would have enjoyed it.
I bet. I stomped a few eels on my way over here.
It's hard not to. You can't not. I mean, it's
for the farmers. That's how I've been dealing
with this past year. I've been traveling around,
you know, stomping things, you know, different
towns. This time it's eels. Sometimes it was
other things. There's eels in quite a few places,
actually. It's very common. I didn't realize
it until I had this adventure. Well, we are right
by the sea, I guess. All right. Well, I think
that maybe we can... Find some mounts, or we
can maybe even just, you know, have a leisurely
stroll to this hermit's house. I mean, it's already
been a year. What's an extra day going to do?
Well, which direction do we go? It seems we must
go south. Southeast. All right, then. So we should
prepare and leave in the morning? Is it morning?
Is it evening? Afternoon? Afternoon, for sure.
Okay, so then we should get a fresh start in
the morning. Yeah, I mean, we should clean up
our gear and get ready to go. He could definitely
use a nap. Yeah, it would help to sober him up.
You need to clean your feet and your boots. That's
fair, that's fair. I'll get them cleaned. Let's
just get a room here at this inn, and I'll go
clean my boots, I guess. Yeah, I live here. We
could just stay at my place. Oh, cool. The man
said he would get us a room. I mean, I'm still
going to sleep in my bed. You are welcome to
sleep in the house if you'd like. Oh, yeah, let's
just do that. Okay, fine. And I have a big house
with extra bedrooms. It costs a lot to keep up.
That's why I'm struggling so hard. Yes, I literally
have zero dollars. It all goes to the mortgage.
Yeah, you guys sleep in a house until morning.
Morning comes. The rooster. What's wrong with
that rooster? I retrieved my boots from the marble
basin out back where I had washed them. Nice.
Yeah, I've gathered my things. I'm ready for
an adventure. Russ, who just slept on the floor
on a throw pillow, just gets up. Where did you
two come from? Oh, we're going on an adventure,
buddy. Well, that's great. Is there breakfast?
There certainly can be. And I'll go make breakfast.
I can't afford maids. Much as I want to. Or cooks,
I mean. You guys finish up your breakfast and
hit the road. Anything else before we move forward?
No, I just re -explained the plan to Russ. Because
he doesn't seem to remember. Not at all. Russell
leaves his house, everything he's got just chilling
the stoves on. He's like, I'll be back there
if never. He was there to cut loose for the eel
stomping festival. We didn't get horses or mules
or anything, right? We're just going to hoof
it. We're good. I don't have any money. So you
move down the road, traveling for a full day
before setting up camp for the evening. As you
do, it's a pretty standard night. You guys have
brought provisions. It's only night one, so you
should be doing pretty well. Everybody go ahead
and give me a wisdom saving throw. So I use the
number that I have for wisdom, not my number
for saving throw. Or if I had plus or minuses,
that would... Yeah, exactly. So you would add
your plus or minuses to a throw. You don't really
have any, so you're just trying to beat a 10.
Well, I got a natural 1. Awesome. 18 to beat
a 10. As the night runs long, Truck falls asleep,
and through and over his snores, both Russer
and Aurora, you guys are up longer. Russer, probably
because you're not drunk. Aurora, you're an elf,
so you don't even sleep. As you guys sit around
the crackling fire, listening to... the sounds
of nature and trucks sleeping and snoring away,
you hear a rustling in the bushes. It's probably
well after midnight at this point, so it's really
dark. And suddenly you see a hooded figure moving
through the woods just out of the firelight.
Russ, did you see that? Yes, I did. What's the
plan? Well, I've already got a hand on an axe.
I should slip back, see if I can move around.
Behind them? I also have hold person. I don't
know what that does. I thought it was quite self
-explanatory. I'm going to slip away and try
and leave her next to the fire with him sleeping
and see if I can disappear. All right. In case.
Give me a dex save then on that one. That was
terrible. An eight. As you go to sneak off into
the bushes and not be seen and get a different
vantage point, you see the cloaked figure a short
distance away, and it sees you do this, and it
begins to run away from your camp quickly. Shit!
It saw me! It's running! Can I cast Hold Person
from this distance? Yeah. Or I can run after
him and cast it? Hold on. This is our first magic
roll of the game. Yeah. I'm going to continue
sleeping. The monster's saving throw is 19 minus
whatever their hit dice is. That's a cool way
of doing it. All right. Cool. So his saving throw
is a 18 to not be held. He rolled a three. So
you're able to. So I caught him. You did. So
the way this works, your spells only come back
every day. So like you can only use each one
once. Okay, but it's nighttime, right? So will
I be able to use it? Is it 24 hours? You have
to pray for new ones every morning, I guess,
is how you do it. Okay, so it's nighttime, so
I'll get it back. In the morning, sure. Yeah,
we'll run with that. All right, yeah, and you
halt this person in their tracks, and they're
stunned, pretty much. Russ, I grabbed him. I'm
already in full run. How far away? Not far. I
mean, just a few seconds of sprinting. All right,
I run up to him, and will my putting a foot on
him or holding him down in any way interrupt
her spell? No, it shouldn't do anything. I'm
going to... Well, what is it at first? As I run
up on it, what do I say? Imagine he'd be in,
like, running position. Yes. Like, I kind of
just stopped him. Oh, it just freezes him in
place? Yeah. It doesn't actually pin them to
the ground? Yeah, I think it just freezes him
in place. They will be held for one hour plus
ten minutes per level. Oh, so almost two hours
of the thing. Yeah. It'll be frozen. Okay. Well,
I guess I operate with a lot less urgency when
I notice that they're not going to be moving
for a while. You run up, and it is a human male
in a white cloak. Not a white cloak. It's like
a yellow -brown cloak. Well, well, well, what
do we have here? Hi. Light a torch and hold it
up to get a good look at their face. He's a clean
-shaven guy. Brown eyes. Kind of scraggly hair.
He can't speak either, so he's just like there.
Aurora, it looks like we have a visitor. Before
I go to Rosser and the guy, I'm going to wake
up Chuck because I don't want to leave camp alone.
Chuck, get up. I have to go over here. Can you
watch camp? There's an intruder. An intruder?
Oh, okay. Yes. All right. I'll stay here. Guard
the camp. Thanks. Don't worry. We caught him.
Okay. Excellent. That's good. Good. I'll go meet
those guys. Okay. And you walk over to Russer
and he's just standing in front of this paralyzed
person. I'm still with the torch going up and
down, looking, seeing what they have on them
for weapons, what they have hanging. Belt. They
have a small dagger on their belt. It's just
a regular leather belt. The tunic doesn't look
of any, like, good quality. The boots are a little
worn. Nothing too remarkable on the outside.
No symbols or anything indicating a guild or...
Okay, I'm going to pull the dagger out of his
belt and disarm him as long as it doesn't break
the spell. I think I have to end it or it's two
hours. Okay. What do you make of this? Well,
have you learned anything? Is he from anywhere?
He's got this little dagger. Okay, well that
seems pretty mundane for someone lurking around
our camp. Yeah, well, he can't exactly answer
any questions at the moment. If I let him down,
are you prepared to take care of that? Absolutely.
I'll stab him right in the eye. Oh, well, I think
we want to ask him things like, what are you
doing here? Well, then he, can he hear us? Yes.
Well, then he should know that to move when you
let him go. Just to speak. Okay. And I let him
go. As soon as you break the spell, he like.
Crouches and looks like he really wants to run
away. He's like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What
are you doing here? Thiefing. Well, that was
a bad answer. I didn't get anything. Well, yeah,
you didn't get anything. So, no harm, no foul.
Maybe I was just walking by. Maybe you were just
walking by or maybe you're part of some bigger
conspiracy. The biggest conspiracy is to get
some of your stuff and sell it. Well, what do
you have? I had a dagger. Well, you had a dagger
is right. Yep. That's it. That's pretty much
all I got. You got nothing else. No belt. I have
a belt. You're not going to take a guy's belt.
I'm what? He tries to take a step backwards.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay. Don't you
be moving. Don't take my belt, man. Well, it's
that or the boots. My friends are dirty. Those
look like they might fit. They're not great boots.
They're all the boots I got, but they aren't
great. They aren't even good. I'll tell you what.
We'll let you go if you can convince the big
guy over there by the fire that you deserve to
be let off without any punishment. Can I do it
from here? No. No. Okay. Are you guys going to
cook me? Oh, gross. I poke at him with the knife
and point towards Truck. He, well, let's go.
Very hesitantly moves up towards the fire and
into the light. And Truck, you can see this person
for the first time. I'd like to ask him, so nobody
sent you here, right? You're just a lone person?
You're not going to be the big, bad, evil guy
at the end? At the end of what? The day? No,
probably not. There might be another one. Anyway.
I saw you guys' light. You're not really far
off the road. And I was like, huh, some dumb
ass is not too far off the road. I should steal
some stuff. Hey, truck. He thinks you're a dumb
ass that would sleep through being robbed. I
push him into the light and fire. I thought you
were all asleep. That's why I was going to come
and steal stuff. I don't even think that one
does sleep. We were sitting up talking. I mean,
you didn't observe very long. All right. Everybody's
a critic? You're not very good at this. I just
can't believe you thought this simple -minded
man would sleep through a robbery. I didn't even
know he was here. I thought it was you snoring.
He sounded like a thunder. Yeah, and you're a
dwarf. What? That's just mean. Well, are you
going to rob us? What are we doing? I was sleeping.
Yeah, I mean, if you're cool with it, I could
still rob you. No, I don't want to be robbed.
No, I don't think so. Okay. Okay, so Bryce wants
on this guy. Chuck, why don't you just maybe
hit him a little bit, and then we'll let him
go. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Why do
we got to hit me? He needs to know he can't rob
us in the future. What happens if he tries when
we fall asleep later? No, no, no, no, no. I will
never rob you guys again. I promise. Look it.
I'm looking at all of you. I know what you look
like. I'll never try it again. Please don't hurt
me. Uh -oh, he knows what we look like. Yes.
That's not good for you. For who? For me? Why
not? I guess it's fine. Where are you going to
go? Back to town, probably? The town where we
were just stomping eels? Yeah, I'll go back to
the celebration. There's more people for me to
rob there, and so we can all just put this behind
us, and I can go up there and try to... Oh, you
shouldn't rob anybody. You two are going to let
a criminal go. I mean, we should take his belt
at least. Oh, come on. Not the belt. I need it.
It's holding my pants up and everything. He's
got some nice boots, too. They are not nice.
They are tattered. That was in the description.
I'm just going to tell him to run off. If there's
a rock or something next to me, I'm just going
to throw it at him. Get out of here. Go. And
he looks at the other two quickly and runs into
the woods. Well. Well, why'd you let him go?
He was about to soil himself. I don't think he
was a threat. I thought he was a threat at first,
but now I don't think so. But we'll see. I got
a knife out of it. He doesn't even have anything
to poke us with now. Everybody make me another
wisdom check. Sixteen. One. Six. I'm going to
go back to bed, guys. Okay. Good night, truck.
Aurora, looking around the camp, you can see
off in the woods that maybe 30 yards off, you
see this guy peeking from behind a tree and looking
at your camp again. You do see a hooded figure,
I guess, looking at the camp from behind a tree.
And when you look that way, he dives behind the
tree or brings his head back quickly behind the
tree. I'm just going to menacingly walk around
camp swinging my chain mace. It's on fire. Nice.
This person does not return. Okay. The rest of
the night. Nobody else does either. Eventually
I go to bed. Okay. And then the sun comes up
and you guys have an uninterrupted night after
that. He was lurking around in the bushes last
night, guys. We're going to have to keep an eye
on that kid. Hopefully we don't see him again.
Yeah, hopefully he just sticks around the town.
We shouldn't be, you know, we should cover some
good ground today. Yes, let's be on our way.
You could have at least scared him a little bit
more. Well, I was kind of... break something,
but I wanted him to be able to get away from
us. I didn't want him to be limping away. Yeah,
that's why you break an arm, you lug. Come on,
man. Alright. I'll break his fingers next time.
Now you're thinking. It's not very lawful good
of you. It's better than cutting them off for
thieving. Actually, maybe cutting them off the
hand for it even would be more lawful good. This
is what is fair. I've decided it. But he didn't
steal anything. In fact, you stole the dagger.
Give me your hand here. I was compensated. I
made some... It's just grass that I found. It's
not good. Never mind. Did you boil grass and
expect it to be tea? You know, I've seen people
put stuff in there with some water and then,
you know, it usually tastes better than this.
Oh, boy. It was a good try, Truck. You guys continue
on your conversation over the next day, walking
down the road. Still a lot of people are passing
you as Eel Stomping and Seeding Day celebrations
are still going on. And you guys have a chance
to catch up. Have Truck and Russer seen each
other at all over the past year? I've been looking
for him. And I've been hiding. I keep moving
from town to town, and then I'm like, oh, no,
he's here. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Oh, my
God, I have to go somewhere else. Made a lot
of wine, though. Stomp, stomp. You're a vintner
now. I just do the stomping part. That's it.
They give me some wine afterwards. That's your
payment. Somebody roll me 1d6, please. Four.
You guys have an easy day of it. Able to set
up camp nice and late in the afternoon. And it
leaks into night. How do you think this hermit
is going to bring Fasten back? I mean, we don't
have anything left of him. You know, that's something
I had not thought of yet. I've heard about all
sorts of different, you know, things people say.
They make like a, put a bunch of different things
in a pot. I don't know. Should we go back and
get... The thief has, like, a vessel to put his...
Does he need, like, a thing? Like a body? Oh.
It's true, because his isn't there anymore, and
we might need one. Well, we'll keep that in mind
in case that might be, like, required. I don't
know. I'm not going to volunteer, if that is
the case, like, to do it, because, you know,
but we could get that guy. I mean, I like that
guy, but not that much. Especially since we've
got this tavern idea. Yes. You know, he's just,
he would run the books and everything, but I
think you with the healing and me with the actual
bartending and this one with his stomping, we
might actually be able to turn a profit. I cannot
wait to open this tavern. It's going to be good.
We can have so many different stomping festivals.
We could give away our own awards for our own
competitions. That's a good way to get it done
for free. That's true. You only have to pay one
of them. Then you supply all the stuff that you
need someone to crush. Yeah. And you keep all
the crushed stuff that you use. Yeah. Which are
they needed for? As long as I can make money
from stomping, I'm there with you guys. Good.
So what we should figure out is why are we just
standing here? What are we doing? What are we
doing? You're at camp. Oh, my God. We're camping.
We're camping. What we should figure out here
is why we're talking and not walking. We have
to rest. Yeah, a little too dark for us. We're
like, hmm, I can't see which way the road goes.
Let's just wander off into the woods for a little
while. Oh, maybe that's my problem. I'm an elf,
so I have dark vision. And I'm like, oh, let's
go. And you guys have an uneventful night and
a good night's sleep. Ah, that was a good night's,
I don't sleep, but sort of. Good night. Good
night meditation. And that feels like it'd be
like a real labor for every elf that was part
of a party of things that do need to sleep. Great,
so just, uh... I'll just wait. Eight hours babysitting,
I guess, making sure someone doesn't come and,
like, you know, squish these squishy things in
their sleep. Do you actually have to go into
a meditative trance, or you just don't have to
sleep at all? There's no... It's up to you. Make
up the lore. Oh, um... No, I don't have to sleep
at all. You just sit there. I can choose to meditate,
but I don't have to. I wake up and open one eye
and just go, Stop staring at us! Just wake up
already. Learn to whittle or something. It's
creepy just watching us sleep. Yeah, I don't
know. I'll do something, I guess. I don't know
what to do. I'll try to whittle, but I don't
have a knife, so it doesn't last long. I find
a good stick. While you're out finding a stick,
you hear the soft sounds of singing coming from
the forest. Can you please make me a wisdom saving
throw? 21. You just stand there and you can hear
the far off singing. It's probably because of
your elf ears that you can hear it before your
two companions. What does detect chaos do? Would
that be a good thing to cast? I don't want it
to be like a siren situation. I'm trying to get
lured in. Which is what I get the feeling that
it is. That does seem plausible. Detect chaos.
As written, it's got a range of 120 feet and
a duration of one hour. The detect chaos spell.
The caster detects creatures of chaos or those
with chaotic enchantments, intentions, thoughts,
or auras within the spell's range. Poison is
not inherently evil or chaotic and cannot be
detected by the means of the spell. I'll cast
it. Okay. I don't know how far it is. You cast
your detect chaos spell. And out at the edges
of the spell's reach, you do detect three creatures.
Hmm. Is anybody else awake? No, not really. Not
really. Okay, well, it lasts for an hour, so
I'm just going to, like, sit on it and wait,
see if they get closer. All right. At no point
do they get closer while you're in the woods.
Oh, yeah, I'm not at camp. You're outside of
camp, picking up a stick. Are they towards camp
or away from camp? Away from camp. Okay. Then
I'm just going to leave, I think, and go back
to camp quietly and warn everybody. They're not
awake. I mean, you can wake them up. I was just
going to say, you came back and I was yelling
at him about a rock. There's some chaotic creatures
off in the distance. Just something to be aware
of. Oh, well, that's good. It's better than telling
this guy that this rock. It's just a rock. Nothing
special. Why? Which kind of rock is it? It's
just a smooth, shiny one. But he really thinks
it's something special about it. I don't know.
It's just a rock. It's not a magic rock? I'm
trying to make breakfast here. You're bringing
me a rock. Maybe it's tasty. Did you try it?
I dropped it in the boiling water. There we go.
I helped. Would you like some of the grass from
yesterday? No, I had quite enough yesterday.
I learned that wasn't good. Now, how many of
them are out there, did you say? Three, at least.
Oh, just three? And you probably believe that
they are harpies. I don't know if I'm supposed
to tell you the exact creature, because it says
just... Oh, I knew it, though. I knew it with
the siren sounds. By the sounds they were making,
they were harpies, so I think we should avoid
that area. Those damn flying ones with the metal
claws. They're terrible. Yeah. Just hide behind
this one. We should get headphones for him. Earplugs.
Oh, okay. Well, do we have anything for the ears?
Just our clothes. I'm going to cut six little
pieces of rope off of my rope. Maybe about a
quarter inch long. Just enough that we could
stuff them in the ears if we had to. Okay. You
want me to put this in my ear? You've told me
a lot not to put things in my ear or in my nose.
I've asked you a lot of different times. Are
you trying to trick me? Do whatever you want.
But if I tell you to do something, then you should
probably do it. The other things, like eating
rocks and sticking things up your nose, those
were not going to help you. This... You know
what? Just stand there. The harpies are not in
your way of continuing, by the way. Well, until
we hear otherwise or she lets us know, I'm going
to continue cooking breakfast and breaking down
camp. Yeah, I mean, it seems like if we just
avoid it, it's not an issue, but just something
to think about. Well, let us know if they get
closer. The hermit's house is just over one more
day away. I think we just have one more day away.
Oh, that's good. Hopefully it's in the opposite
direction of those flying beasts. Yes, it seems
that they are not in our path at all. Hopefully
it's not too hard to find his house once we get
there. I mean, what good's a map if it doesn't
bring us to his house, right? That's true. But
he does, you know, sound like someone who doesn't
want to be found. But I guess that's why there's
a map to his house. Maybe somebody else must
have drawn it. Think of all the people that would
be showing up. It's a very secret map. What if
he does want people to show up and he actually
made the map? It's more like a flyer than a map.
It could be. Oh, all these ads on the sides.
I didn't notice that before. We're all done here,
so we should get moving then. Yep. I'm going
to start out with a morning jog. Off we go. The
rest of the day, you see fewer people going by
at this point as you've... now past several intersections
along the way. And so you largely have the road
to yourselves for the majority of the day. Some
carts pass, some envious people, you know, that
could afford horses or mules pass by, but nothing
remarkable happens. Well, okay then. We've been
having a pretty smooth journey so far, except
for that one creep the first night. Yeah, I'm
glad we got rid of him. I can't believe that
he tried to rob us. I was having a nice nap.
And to wake up to see that guy? Maybe it was
a good idea we just let him go rob the town while
we were gone. I mean, I locked up my house. Oh,
maybe. Did you? Yes. Are you sure? I'm pretty
sure. I started before I went to the festival.
I left before I went to the festival. Well, this
is quite an unremarkable day. And it is. But
the sun is out and the weather's nice. We're
just trudging along. What bird is that? I don't
know. I don't know about birds. It might be tasty.
It might be greasy. I don't know. Why don't you...
If I catch it, do you know how to cook it? I'm
sure I can figure it out. I'm shooting my crossbow
at some random bird. Okay. The bird has an AC
of 1. I thought that was going to be a 20. You
hit the bird. And I got a three. Bring my bird
over to Russ. How big was this bird? Not big.
The size of a robin. Maybe a blue jay. I hold
out the bird with the bolt -sized hole in it.
Well, I'll cook whatever's left, but it might
not be a lot. I thought it would be bigger when
I got closer to it. Yeah, well, start plucking
it. And I hand it back to him. Stop. Okay. I'll
cook it when we stop tonight. And a short while
later, you guys stop for the night. Did you finish
with the bird? Yeah. Here you go. I took most
of the feathers out. Okay. Go get some firewood.
I run off into the woods. Do you see what he
got? I jumped. Oh. Why would you kill that? I
don't know. He wanted me to cook it. Okay. Well,
we brought food with us. This isn't a hunting
trip. I guess it could be. At least you hid it.
That's true. So he gets a little snack for the
evening. Put the camp together and grill up our
food and his bird. And like the night before,
it rolls in uneventfully. Why doesn't everybody
once again make me a wisdom saving throw? 22.
8. 9. I'm going to guess Aurora is the only one
that passed. 22. Yeah, I would think that would
hit. As you're up, not sleeping throughout the
night, and your two male companions snore away,
both seeming like they're fighting one another
with their snores, trying to be the loudest,
you see off in the distance with your dark vision
a hooded figure look from behind a tree. God
damn it, he came back again. I'm just going to
cast Hold Person. Russell, Truck, get up. Get
up. The kid's back. Or it's a wild coincidence
we're being stalked by someone just like that
kid. The little thiefy bastard. Yeah, I'm holding
him. He's way over there if you want to collect
him again. He was, like, stuck halfway behind
a tree. You! Get a bigger rock this time and
follow me. We just walk over and I grab a large
tree that's been fell. Big tree trunk. I walk
in front of the person. Is it the same kid? Yeah,
when you get up close, it's the same guy. What
are you doing here? I let you go once. The big...
Lug over there didn't break anything of yours.
What, is this knife that important to you? Because
you're going to get it back this time. Do you
dispel? No. The whole person? Okay, then he just
stays there. Oh, he can't stay anything. Would
you guys have anything to say before we stab
this little shite? I want to know why he's back
again. Well, can I stab him first? I'm going
to let the, like, large tree. Wait, see, he's
standing. Yeah. Can I put him on the ground and
then put this tree on top of him, pinning him
down? I think so. Cool. And then I'll let him
go. What are you doing here? I wanted my knife.
You don't want a stupid knife. What is with you?
You know how hard it is to rob people when you
don't have a knife. I'm going to slap him. Tell
me the truth. I want my knife. I'm going to stab
him in the hand with his knife. Like pinning
it to the tree. Yeah, he yells in horror. There
you go. Now you have your freaking knife back.
Are you going to leave? Yes. Are you sure? The
big guy doesn't have to crush you with a rock.
He already is crushing me with a tree. Well,
he's got a rock too. It's a big one. Are you
going to follow us some more? Why are you following
us? I wanted the knife. Are you sure? How badly
do you want this knife? And I pull my other knife
out. If you're giving it to me. I'll surely give
it to you right under the chin. Why are you following
us? I wanted the knife. It seemed like easy marks.
I felt like I couldn't go wrong twice. You thought
we were easy marks? So you're just an idiot.
You keep camping right off the side of the road.
Well, that's where you camp, especially when
you're not afraid to let the shades down or your
crap. You're going to chime in here, big guy.
I mean, I just don't know what to do with them.
Let me go. No. You were the nice one before.
We let you go the first time. Yep. Miscalculation.
And now you're back for like a one copper knife.
I have zero copper. Well, I mean, whittle something.
I need a knife to whittle. I had that problem
as well. I don't have teeth. And he shows you
he's like mostly gums. Well, did you learn another
lesson some other time? I'm sure you tried to
steal somebody's food. Lemons. Lemons. I had
scurvy. Lemons. Lemons help with scurvy. Can
you get this tree off me? No. I'd say we should
just leave the tree on him and leave. Oh, please
don't. What time of day is it? Nice. Yeah. Well,
if we leave him here, he'll howl and attract
predators. To him? Yeah, but his screams will
keep us up. Well, not you, but us. Oh, yeah,
I'll scream all night. You should just let me
go. We can hit him on the head and then tie him
to an upright tree. He looks over at his hand.
Oh, that's a lot of blood. That's the best idea
you've had all day. Get on it, big guy. Make
sure it's a nice, clean one. No, no, no, no,
no, no, please. Just let me go. I've got my knife.
I'm good. I promise I won't do anything again.
You'll never see me. You said that last time.
I lied last time. Well, then why are you lying
this time? What is with this stupid knife? I've
learned my lesson. I'm feeling woozy. You can
either stay the night with us, or we can leave
you here. Well, I don't think you're that cute,
but the elf, I guess. Oh, I'm going to slap him
again for that one. Perhaps you didn't stab him.
She's a cleric. She doesn't have pointy things.
That's a good point. Can you heal him so I can
stab him again? Oh, no, let's not do that. No,
I don't want to waste any of my healing on this
clown shoe. If we take the knife out, do we have
to cauterize his hand? I could. Let's find out.
We could just leave the knife in my hand. That'll
be fine. No, no, no. And I pull it out. Oh, now
that's a lot of blood. Okay. I'm going to apply
pressure and move the log over onto his hand.
You hear a crunch as his arm breaks underneath
the tree. That's a little too much pressure,
Chuck. Oh. I don't know how big this tree is
in my mind. In my mind, it's like... Yeah, it
got way too big. 18 inches across. Big enough
to pin him down. Is he still awake? Yeah, but
he's screaming a lot. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh,
shh, shh, shh, shh. We're just trying to help.
He screams right in your face. Well, I can't
get through to him. I'm just going to try and
hit him in the head and knock him out. That's
a good idea. Then we'll let him go free and he
can do whatever he wants because we'll be gone.
In the morning. Yeah, in the morning we can discuss
that. I'm going to hit him in the head. I guess
maybe a strength check. I got a 16. And what's
your saving throw? A 10. Okay. Yeah, you knock
him out. All right. And I also lift the tree
off of him and put him in a less pinched down
situation. You can see that his arm is broken.
It's pretty ghastly. Is it compoundly fractured
or? We straighten out. The skin is bulging where
the bone is pushing out. I'll cast the cure light
wounds. Yes, and we straighten out his bones
and everything before she casts a healing spell.
It is still night, so you can pray in the morning.
Yeah, that's what I figured. He can heal a little
because my day's over. Once he's healed, I bind
his arms and legs so he can't escape, enact revenge.
Anything like that. And then toss the grapple
up over a branch so we can hoist him. Not upside
down, but still suspended. Just that way bears
can't get to him. Yeah. He stays out for quite
a while. But by morning, he's just hanging in
the tree awake, looking around. So are we heading
out then? Yeah, I guess we definitely have to
get going. But what do we do with that guy? Hey,
what do you think we should do with you? I'm
pretty lightheaded. You should let me go. What's
your name? My name's Jeff. Corvus. Well, Jeff,
we're going to let you go. I said Corvus. Oh,
it's Corvus? You said Jeff. You said Jeff Corvus.
I thought that was... Jeff Corvus. I like his
full name. I thought that was a first and last
name. I like to go by my last name. It's not
as weird. All right, Corvus. We've had an evening.
Sounds mean when you say it. We've had an evening
to sleep about. We're going to let you go. All
right. If we see you again. Then we don't know
each other. Not only is it going to be much worse,
but we're going to go to every town and tell
them your name and tell them you're a dirty thief.
That's fine. What if we just run into each other
on the streets, though? Oh. Well, then a hug
and a handshake is in order, don't you think?
For old pals. Yep. I don't agree, but that's
a separate thing. You just want to let me go
and not torture me if you see me again and ruin
my life? Oh, no, I'm going to assume you're going
to try to rob me and then I'm going to kill you,
so... Now, we're about as far away from town
as I want to be. I'm going to head right back.
You see old Corby headed right back down the
road. Humming my theme song. Humming my heart
song. Sounds good. And I untie the line so he
drops down. Untie him. Well, there you go, little
fella. You should run along that way because
we're going that way. He looks over at your fire.
Well, can I get a sausage to go to? I'm going
to kick him in the butt. Go! I'm going to take
his creepy cloak thing, too, so he can't be looking
all creepy in the shadows. Oh, oh, oh, hey! I
need that, though. Listen, if you guys keep taking
my stuff, I'm going to have to keep following
you to try to steal it back. Okay, all right.
Keep the cloak. He takes it and runs off into
the woods, towards the road. Now what would I
have had to roll to rob him of his knife before
he took off? A thievery roll, I guess. A pick
in a pocket? That's a level 3. I guess as a thief
you are kind of obligated. Especially since he's
a really bad thief. I think next time we find
him with a crossbow. So if you're attempting
a thievery roll, roll a 1d6. 4. You are able
to steal his knife if that's what you're going
to do. And he doesn't notice. Until he's gone.
Yep. And that's what I'm going to do. I'm going
to steal his knife again. All right. And you
all pack up camp and you head down the road.
It's about midday when you come across a less
traveled path leading deeper into the forest
and off the main road. It is indicative on the
map of where the hermit's house would be. It
makes sense that he'd be off the main road. Shall
we continue to follow this creepy path? I think
we should. Absolutely. I wonder if his house
is farther off the road than our camp. I mean,
it must be, right? Not much of a hermit. That's
true. You travel for a couple more hours down
the road, and it's not a super creepy path. It's
mostly just a woodland path that doesn't look
like it gets much use these days. And eventually,
in the middle of the woods, you come to a clearing,
and you can see it up ahead. Looks like it's
pretty void of trees. And in the middle of the
clearing stands a small stone hut. Well, this
must be it. He must be very strong to make that
hut out of stone. I can't wait to meet this man.
You'll have a lot in common. Everybody make me
a wisdom check. 11. 16. Oh, no. 14. That's a
20 on this one. Okay. There's an eyeball. Oh,
weird. All right, so all of you are able to recognize
when you're walking into this clearing that there
are several trees around the perimeter that are
very unusual looking and seem to move more than
the other trees in the forest. But as you move
into the clearing... You see a hunched over old
man in a dirty white cloak. He's using two canes
as he walks from a table into his stone hut.
Excuse me, sir? You shout. Yes. You get no response.
Hello there, stranger. Sir, sir. As you continue
to shout, you see an old man emerge from the
cabin and he looks. He looks like he's looking
at you, but perhaps he can't make out who you
are or what you are. Gonna give a friendly wave.
Yeah. Hey! Are those visitors? Yeah. Hey, may
we approach? Step up here, I can't see you from
there. We walk steadily closer, non -threateningly.
Hello there. Hello. We heard a rumor, um... That
you could bring people back to life? I can do
this. Well, I could do this. Yes. How would you
go about this? Why don't you come inside and
we'll talk about it further. Excellent. Sorry
to just jump right to the point. I'm making tea.
Lovely. Oh, good. This one can learn. And he
uses both canes to walk. back slowly into the
house. Hot. And we follow. And that's where we're
going to end our episode. Oh, man. Cool. So until
next time, we will see you next, next Tuesday.
That's it for today's episode. We hope you've
enjoyed listening as much as we've enjoyed playing.
If you have, go run and tell all your friends
so that we can turn as many people into CritCats
as possible. Tales from the Crit is a Wolfbeard
Games audio podcast. And if you like us, please
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page and our YouTube channel. Both of those are
at Tales from the Crit Podcast. All right. Bye
-bye. Eartha Kitt? Never mind. Banged her in
an airplane once. It's from another show. I didn't
bang Eartha Kitt. Good. Whatever. A deafening
roar. Are you going to do it? My voice just stopped
making a sound. I was trying and I was like,
nah. Guys, it's a teeny tiny baby dragon. You
guys afraid of that? Oh, I love baby animals.
I want to touch it. Hug it and squeeze it. It
looks like a baby when it's far away. Boy, that's
going to be hard. I want to name him Festin so
bad. You named him. I did. I'm so glad I can
edit. So I don't sound like a fucking idiot every
three words. You see, it's just like a little
charred bone. Like Luke's aunt and uncle. Yeah,
exactly. Aunt Peru. Riley really wants us to
take this seriously. It's whatever, man. He's
like, it's gonna be dark and gritty. I mean,
this part ain't. We threw in fucking eel stomping
day. Goodnight, trunk. trunk trunk trunk i'm
about to drink