Welcome to the Tales from the Crypt podcast. We are an actual play podcast featuring a
revolving cast of players making our way through micro RPGs, highly narrative tabletop games,
and the more popular and less known RPG systems from a wide variety of genres. Content may
not be suitable for children and content warnings can be found in the description. I'm Riley
Groves and I'll be your host, your guide, your GM on this episode of Tales from the Crypt.
Okay, so we got super into recording when you're recording the penultimate and finale episode,
and as such we totally forgot to do a new pod deck interview deck question,
so this episode does not have that. Also, it's not going to have a previously on because if
you don't remember what happened you should go back and listen to the whole rest of the arc.
Without further ado, let's get into it. Yeah, I'd like to investigate some of these
buildings that got blowed up that might have some good stuff. Yeah, we probably should try
to find something to wipe Cal up with at least and maybe patch him up a little bit. Maybe we
can find something in one of these decrepit places and maybe even find some survivors who
need help. So it wouldn't be a bad idea to look around. I feel utterly absolutely awful. Yeah,
I know you do buddy. So do I. I need to kind of make an amends for apparently I killed somebody,
but I don't really remember that. I think we made the amends. Yeah, I think I wore the worst sleeping
bag in all of history. Coated though. What do you have to say, Gro? Meep, meep, meep, meep. Yeah,
Gro, how you been holding up? He pulls some strange food objects out from his belly rolls
and begins to force them down his throat. Good for you, buddy. Get it in like you can. Yeah,
so I guess we're checking around these decrepit or not decrepit, but these recently destroyed
buildings and seeing what we could muster up. Any spots you check in particular? I guess if
there are any kind of general stores that were destroyed that there was maybe any signage of
left or anything that might have any type of supplies in them. Is Herbert's store still
standing? Herbert's store has been consumed by the worm. God damn it. Oh shit. I hope he brought his
work home with him tonight. I hope he wasn't. Yeah, no, he did go home. He did go home, right?
He did. He was busy having nuptials. Oh, that's right. Thank God for Patricia. Oh shit. Well,
um. There is a general store and you see it. It has been smashed in. Well, let's check out
this general store and see what's, uh, see if anything's left. Maybe, I mean, we're gonna
definitely just go in there to see if anybody's hurt, right? But we're looking around for others.
Yeah, you go in. Everybody roll me two D four. I got two fours. I got, yeah, I got a four and a
three. So seven, three and a four. Okay. Here you guys have a choice. One of those will be rations.
One of those will be lead. Oh, good gravy. Um, yeah, I'm taking four lead straight up because
I'm due for a reload and one shot. Oh, can we reload in between? Yes, absolutely. But how would
that work? Would I just lose the one shot? Yeah, pretty much. God damn it. No, I guess it's not worth it.
Um, any med kits or anything like, Oh, any, I don't know. Who am I? Whoever you want to be. Who am I?
In addition to those, you can also grab one item out of the inventory book here at the store.
Should we roll for it or can we look? Oh shit, Cal, I forgot. I already got a first aid kit.
Let me help you. Please, please. I feel devastatingly awful. In all the craziness,
I forgot. I'm going to heal. However, a first aid kit works. I'm going to heal Cal.
That should bring him, let's say back up to full strength. How are you feeling?
Oh, so much better. Thank you, Jesse. I still think you need a bath though. That would help.
I think we all need one. Oh, well, yeah, but I'm not the one that was covered in acid. My clothes
are a bit devastated. I think I'm going to redress myself now that we are in, you know,
a general store. And it's generally take what you can and run the fuck out. So,
um, if, if it's possible, I would like to try and see if I can find a first aid kit. Sure. Go for it.
Okay. Do I roll there? No, you find it. I just find one. Yep. So, and there's that, that's a light
item. I'm sorry to make it. It just says rare. So that would take up an inventory slot. Okay.
How do you take away fatigue? You haven't even done anything to remove any fatigue. Yeah. We
barely rested. We've just gotten drunk and gotten silly. I think I want the rope, but I'm a slow
reader. Nope. I want a gun care kit. Okay. And for you, Sarah, monocular and monocular. Okay. Why?
Well, sometimes I'm away from you guys and I have to set a distance.
It will help me immensely. You don't got a scope. I do not, not the revolver. He needs the monocular
to put on the revolver to make the shot. He's just so used to the scope. Oh, I see. Making a red dot.
Trying to make it a little more homey. Thanks, homey. Well, I guess, um, shit. Well, the, uh,
the end's destroyed. Um, we got that. Is there an orphanage? Not no more. Not anymore.
All them little ones got eaten. I guess you're off the hook for putting them all through college.
Like he says you were gonna. You did make that promise. Anyway, um, I need, I need some sleep
guys. I need to rest. Um, we need to find a place to bed down. Let's, let's head to Herbert's shop.
I know it's destroyed, but maybe, I don't know if he came back in the confusion or what, but if he's
not there, then we should definitely go to the ranch and let him know what happened. Yeah, that's
a good idea. Maybe he, we could just sleep in his shop. Is that what you're looking to do?
Well, let's just get there and see how much the damage is. All right.
Three quarters of the building is completely gone. That leaves two thirds left.
Yeah. Yeah, that sounds right. I hope he wasn't in that other third.
Three quarters is gone. That means there's a quarter left. Um, well, I guess that,
is there enough shelter here that we could camp here tonight or. Definitely not. Okay.
We could just sleep in the general. We brought the donkeys back to him, right?
The donkeys. You guys. We kept them, right? We got them. We got, yes, yes, yes, yes. Cause we still
have them. We're riding to the ranch. Yeah. We'll ride out tonight. We got to let Herbert know what
happened. Uh, hopefully there was nothing in the shop that he needed. And if there was, and we got
to find him quick to let him know. And then we got to come back and get it. We can't let this all be
for not. I agree. Let's go. Let's happen. Worst stuff happened the last time I had worms. I feel
like I hate that guy that hit that owns the livery stable. Like that's. Well, just get me drunk and
I'll probably sleep kill him. Anyway, let's go. You guys managed to find your donkeys and you ride
the short distance to Herbert Fleshman's house. And as you're approaching the house, it is untouched
from the worm anyways. And there is a Varda parked out front. And as, as you approach, you can notice
that the Varda is rocking back and forth. Oh, we shouldn't have come here. No, I mean, he needs to
know. I it's, there's going to be no time. That's going to be better whether we do it before, after
or during, it's going to be uncomfortable. And well, I ain't going up there right now. You guys
take the lead on that one. Cal, I feel like you've almost seen it before. Do you want to go up there?
Do you want to go up and take the lead on this one? You might even like it. I will knock on the door.
You go up and knock on the door. Yes. Let him know the pertinency of the situation.
You hear obvious commotion, expected commotion as you come up to the door, which is at the back of
the Varda. And as you knock on it, you hear the sounds of two people that were once in passionate
love making moods and moments stop. And you hear some thuds before the top half of the split door
opens and Herbert Fleshman stands there without a shirt on. Sweaty as fuck. And hairy. Well,
Calvin, my friend, I did not expect to see you here tonight. This fresh air out here feels good.
It's needed that it was getting. I won't go into that. How's it smell Cal? Thank you for
coming to greet us so expediently. Yeah, no problem. I saw your lusty eyes back in the shop
and I figured I'd see y'all here tonight. Look, the other side, we have a job to do and we were
hoping you would be. Oh, well, I was just finishing up my chores. I was going to say safe. The entire
town is in devastation. There was a giant fucking worm that just ripped through the entire place
and left it in ruins. Your shop included, sir. What are you talking about? You were here laying
pipe the entire time. I commend you for your vigor. I was. I told you I had chores to finish up.
But we what you going on about about my shop in the town? It was a word quite level.
Well, that is unfortunate. Where is the item? Oh, it's safe. I brought it back here with me. I
ain't letting that out of my mind. Well, it's in the house. Please. How did you hear my shop got
obliterated? And as he turns around, the bottom part of the door kicks open and you see the entire
bottom half of Herbert Fleshman and the entire front bottom half of Herbert Fleshman and impressed.
I like to be is it that. Yeah. Yeah. And there's like a moose loose about the hoops. Let me just
say Cal is a little embarrassed overall. Oh, my goodness. Jesse, close your eyes. Oh, I want to
see that. I'm going to pull out the coat. I'm in your eyes, ladies. The coat that looks like
Swiss cheese. So you just see sections. No, this is a new coat. This is a good coat. Oh, oh, oh,
my bad. I missed the part where you got a coat. We raided the shop. I got a new, I got a new
bit of wardrobe. Man. All right. That's unknown to the GM. Unknown to anybody here. Well, he got two
things. How come I didn't get two things? Ain't nobody got two things. He got that holy ass
duster on. You ain't got no need to be duster. Dusters are hard to come by. We'll try and patch
it up for you, Cal. I'm sorry. Anyway, listen, sorry. And Betty approaches screaming from the back.
You're here as you're approaching Patricia. Well, Herbert, is it that he wanted to join? Is that why
he came? Well, Betty calms off a little bit. Did you want to join my friend? I do beg pardon,
but we are on a bit of a. Give me a heart roll. Oh, no. We're so much failure so much in your entire
life. And what's your heart? Seven. The call to action is irresistible to Cal. And when you look
in past Herbert, how does this game work? I thought I was supposed to be. Can Cal just look
back at me with like the saddest eyes and then just walk into the. Like this has to be done.
I just like you guys lose sight of Cal to the part. Make me a text check. I definitely do.
Jesse plugs are yours. Not want this. Don't look, don't look, don't listen.
Dex, you say? Yes. Yeah, Dex. I say I have a Dex of 12. Oh, you nailed it. Literally. Oh, man.
You're going to do wonderful. Sorry, mom.
Oh,
exactly seven minutes later, the Vardo door swings back open and Cal emerges semi triumphantly.
Finally, a man, huh? You know what, Cal? You can probably just keep it all to yourself unless you
want to share. But please don't. This is a win for you, buddy. We're very happy for you. You see a
tear in Cal's eyes and he just says they should have sent a poet. One day I think you'll write
about it yourself. I'm afraid of this. Can we move on to the gun topic in the getting out of
absolutely my word. It was like I was just climbing a mountain. Sorry. Oh, my God. Please stop.
Herbert pops his head out of the Vardo. Feel free to take the house. I think we're going to be
tied up out here for the rest of the evening unless anybody wants to join. The Vardo is actually very
spacious. I swear to God, I feel 10 years younger. Jesse's walking towards the house already. She's
getting on nine years old. No, no, no. He's 20. I thought he was 19. I am. Oh, oh, OK. I think I'm
20, 20, 20, 25, somewhere in there. I swear to God, I feel like it's shaved a year off of my life.
I bet it did. Like in a good way. That's good for you. Well, I need to get some sleep. That was
very interesting. Best of luck to you, too. I hope you try to get some sleep, Herbert and Patricia.
Betty wings had them. And then, yeah, thanks for the house. We'll discuss it in the morning,
but we got a lot of work to do. So absolutely. We'll deal with it in the morning. You all have
a great night. Cal, you can take a plus two temporarily to your heart. I will see you two
when I see you two. It has been an absolute pleasure. And he slams the barn doors closed.
And you guys have the ranch to yourselves. I mean, Betty's at one grit. So I think Betty's
just done. She hasn't slept. She's just the drunkenness of worn off. And I think she's just
hung over. Definitely going to search the cabinets for any kind of food. She's got the munchies and
using that late night snack. Solid. And you find some pork rinds. Nice. Falls asleep eating them.
I'm picturing you at the kitchen counter, just kind of slumped over your food. Yeah, that's why,
you know, Jesse and Cal. Jesse's going to fall asleep on the first soft thing she sees.
Okay. Cal. It's not Cal. Gross. I feel amazing. He stays up all night. I sit in a hot tub and just
write poetry. No, I draw pictures. I start my own sketchbook. You do that. And you don't do it
justice at all as their only stick. Let me roll. Let me roll. Let me roll for something. Let me
bang, bro. Six. You do all right. Your stick figure has balls. Nice. Two of them do. Two of them do.
Two of them standing right behind each other too. But it one doesn't. Come on, buddy. Train it.
And eventually you fall asleep, all three of you, before you recover your full grit. Who has the
lowest strength currently? Ten. I'm at ten. Fifteen. Oh, let's flip the coin. There's a special coin?
Oh, yeah. I got it. Is it a magic coin? Usually spells doom or success. Success. Oh. One hand
gives. The other hand takes away. Oh, so one's a one and one's a twenty. But one hand takes away.
Okay. The other one gives. John, you're going to flip the coin. Rebecca, you're going to call it
in the air. Flip it. Twenty. You wanted a critical success. It's a one. That's a failure.
Okay. The three of you pass out in various places around the house. And even though you're drunk as
a skunk, Jesse Jane, and passed out on the couch, you're not as numb as you usually are, I guess,
at this point after this many drinks. And what feels like your skull being ripped open and
something pouring itself in awakens you briefly before you fall back asleep. And the morning comes
and Herbert is in the kitchen making breakfast. Well, you're going to wake up.
Oh, it's quite early. I had a weird dream about a giant penis and I think I killed the guy.
Anyway, the same dream, but I didn't have to take it to sleep. Weird. Anyway. Well, sounds like y'all
had quite a night. I already went down to the shop, checked out what's left. You were right. That whole
town got obliterated. Good thing I stayed out here and didn't work on that gun grip all night.
So the giant thing was real? Well, I don't know if you're talking about me or the worm.
Well, a cow would know. The only thing that I know is that I got swallowed alive twice or three times
last night. And it was fantastic. Two out of three times last night. I'm gonna go back to bed if we're
gonna keep talking about this. We don't have to. I made sauces. Oh, God. I'm razziness. I bet you are.
Well, anyway, all right. We need to get food into us and we need to get this day going. And Herbert,
I'm very happy you found Patricia again, but we need to talk to her and you need to get to work
on this because shit just keeps getting weirder and weirder around here. I do agree. I could
probably get it done by the morning. I'll work straight through. I done got my rocks off, you
know, quite a few times recently so I can kind of block out some other things, make it a priority
once again. I apologize that I took the evening off from our journey, but the carnal needs of a man,
I understand. Anyway, yeah, just appreciate everything and thank you. And Patricia.
Yeah, she's out in the bar. She might even be sitting on the porch having some coffee by now.
I'm not sure she was getting herself decent. All right. Well, thank you, Herbert. Jesse? Yep.
I'm sorry if I've been taking this leadership role a little too harshly and been bossing everybody
around or anything like that, but I just want you to know that I think we're still the good friends
and I don't want any of these antics or anything that's happened to dissuade that in any way. And
I just want you to know that I got the best, you know, interests of the group at heart.
Betty, I know that. You don't got to tell me.
All right. I just want to make sure you know. You're a good leader.
Well, thank you. And Cal, you keep doing you, buddy. You're killing it.
Well, thank you. I think you're the best. Well, I don't think I'm the best, but I'm trying.
Betty, leading's in your blood.
I lead is in my blood. Leading, leading, leading this gang is in your blood.
Leading's in your blood. Sorry, it sounds like a gunshot went off right by my ear last night.
I just. Yeah, I think a few of them did.
No, either way. I mean, you are inherently the probably the quickest to make the right decision
out of all of us. And I think that's why you make a fantastic leader.
Well, thank you both. Or maybe not the right decision,
but at least the one that I feel like Jesse, you and I both agree with. She's just got the fastest
thought. She's quick to think right.
Well, sometimes my mouth works faster than my brain and don't always work out great.
Sometimes parts of me work faster than other parts of me.
And I'm glad that you both accept that. Of course, Cal, you're like a brother.
I feel like you are my family as well. Yeah, you're all my siblings too. It's a
lot to say that. It's hard. I not had siblings for a long time, so it's good to have a family.
I just imagine us talking and Herbert's just like, I can't like eating and watching us.
Just like, it's so nice to have such a deep emotional connection. I haven't had that in
quite some time. I care deeply for you two. You are like not only colleagues to me, but
I would sacrifice my life to ensure that you would survive. That is what I feel
is the ultimate in brotherhood. I'm sorry. It's all right, Cal, but hopefully that won't
ever have to happen. We got each other's backs and I think that's good enough.
I think between the three of us, we can do great things. We'll make it out of this. Do fine.
All right. I think we need to talk to Patricia about finding a witch to get this last component.
Is that right, Herbert? It would be our best bet at the moment for sure. I mean, I don't know who
else might know a witch. I had heard of one, but I heard of her from Patricia beforehand anyways,
so it might be worth talking to her about. Meanwhile, I'm going to go get started on my work.
Is there anything else you need? No. You know what I think would be best for you all? Just a
good day of relaxation. All right. Well, we'll talk to Patricia and then we'll see about relaxing.
All right, crew. Let's go talk to that woman. That lovely lady, Patricia. I don't recall why
I ran out all those years ago. Sometimes the underwear comes off in the relationship and
you ain't ready to see what you're going to see. Profound, profound words. I've been learning from
Cal. He has a way with his tongue. Let me tell you what. Sir. Well, what stays in the water stays in
the water. I am very now known to have worshiped at the foot of the master. It is okay to give
yourself a pat on the back of which I know you can. I know you can. All right. Well, you guys talk
about this Betty. Yeah, Jesse's long gone from this conversation. Let them wax poetic for a while.
And you find Patricia sitting on the porch. Well, howdy, Patricia. Oh, hello there. Hello.
Howdy. How are you this morning? Without too much detail. A little sore. Okay, that's enough. Thank
you. But overall doing great. Good. Good to hear. Can I? How are y'all doing? Betty rolls up a
cigarette and like gives Patricia a thumbs up. Just like, hey girl, you get it. Jesse looks
uncomfortable. Well, we was wondering, do you know any other witches? Do I know any? Like kind of,
like kind of hey, how you doing kind of basis or like. Just a name would be good if they do like
enchanting, I guess. Oh, enchanting. That's that's some dark stuff. Really? You're looking for.
Isn't it sound so nice? Enchanting. Enchant and it's more of a binding ritual that you would need
for this particular endeavor that you are embarked upon. I've been learning from Herbert the nice
fancy words. Yeah, I know a little bit about binding. I'm sure you do. Anyway, um, so can we
get a name on one of them or list of what we got to do or something? Well, there's one to the north
and her name is Avery's. All right. At least she used to be to the north. I haven't heard about her
leaving. I certainly haven't seen her. She didn't come through my neck of the woods.
All right. You got to find her and theoretically she should be able to perform the ritual. I've
heard of it before. Somebody's got to be able to do it. All right. We'll just go there. That's it.
That's all we got to do. I mean, long story short, yeah, that's all you have to do. But
when you get there, I do have to tell you Avery says rather evil.
All right. Um, would you say like a chaotic evil or lawful?
How you want to rather lawful evil? Oh, hey there, Cal. Hi. Hello there. I knew you wouldn't be
father. Well, I heard somebody talking about, uh, you know, being able to fulfill a deed.
I don't think that's what we were talking about, Cal. Oh, sorry. Cal, you're getting your hopes up.
Yeah, we were talking about an evil witch that, uh, we're going to have to either persuade or
do something else and to, and, you know, binding this thing to one of us or anything. I don't,
I don't even really know, but sounds, uh, sounds like Cal might be good at persuading. I was going
to say it sounds a lot like it's, it's Betty's turn. All right. Well, um, regardless of whose turn it
is, we have a heading, we have a bearing. We know we need to go north and we know we need to go find
Avery's. It's pretty far to the north. It's going to get cold. All right. So we need to prepare for
that too. I'll tell you what, you can take the Varda. Well, I'm moving into the house of Herbert.
We're going to settle down. Can we operate the Vardo or does it, what can we can do that? I mean,
I'm assuming those are your mules over there. Yeah. You could just hook them up. Oh, like that.
No, not like you use it. Oh no, certainly not like I use it. You couldn't like drop us off and pick
us back up. Oh no, I got things to do chores chores, chores, darling, you know, but it does.
It is a little bigger on the inside, isn't it? It would be a comfy travel. It feels nice inside,
right? That's just, that's just good planning. It feels nice inside, Cal. It feels nice inside and
it smells like, I'm so sorry. It smells like blueberries. I'm going to take the driver's seat
and stay up there. It will need a driver. Yep. Yeah, I'll do that job. I ain't going in there.
Thank you. All right. Well, um, I think Herbert needs, I mean, Herbert knows what he needs to do
and, uh, I guess we head north out of town. All right. I'm ready. Well, wait, do we, should we
get some rations first? Well, I got six and a half rations. I got six. How long is this going to
take us? I have, I have three and a half rations. I guess we don't know. You have three and a half.
I have three and a half rations. I'm going to give Cal one of my rations. So she'd have four and a
half. And so I'll have five and you have six. Six and a half. Six and a half. I shed more lead than
I had to with Cal. I have 17 lead. Throughout the course of the day, you guys relax and recuperate.
Please recover your maximum heart, your maximum grit and remove one fatigue.
When do you remove the rest of the fatigue? On a extra, extra long rest. How many fatigue did you say?
Just remove one. Also, when do I get my strength to go back up? Never replenish all your stats.
Okay. Now, and Cal, you should have an additional plus two to your heart temporarily. Yes, I do.
So once it falls down below that, you don't go back. I don't replenish back up to my heart.
Well, I think we all can agree that we needed a day to just kind of chill. It's been a hectic few days,
shit a few weeks. Yeah, it's been a long one. It's felt good to sleep in a bed, couch. And just to
lounge anywhere where you're not being either attacked or running away. Yeah, I agree. I did not
enjoy being worm bait. I can't imagine what that was like, Cal. I'm sorry you had to live through
that. It's absolutely disgusting. It was violent, it was painful, and it burned, and I hated it.
And I'm so thankful that you two were there. Well, now I know. At least you know how we feel
every now and then. Thank you for tossing me that pistol. Well, yeah, anytime. I know I can't shoot
it. To save my damn life. In the middle of this conversation, Jesse Jane, please make me a strength
check. A four out of an 11. Okay, you begin to feel a headache come on, but as quickly as it does,
it subsides. I've been getting these headaches. They're driving me nuts. Really? Like often?
I got one last night, kept me up a little bit, and then I just got one now, but it went away.
Not as bad as last night. All right, well, let me know if anything else weird happens.
Concerned about you, Jesse. Before or after we fought the worm? After. Before bed. Interesting.
While you were fighting the worm, Cal. Maybe that's what it was. Maybe it's nightmares coming to haunt
me. Don't have bad dreams about me, darling. Try not to have any dreams about you, Cal.
Thank you. No problem, anytime. Well, I think it's just important we eat well tonight and sleep well
because we got a long road ahead of us and possibly a hard conversation with this avarice
and only one way it can end out in our favor. Well, she's got two options. We should talk to
Patricia more about this evil. Like what kind of evil? What's she like? She's got to have something
we could offer. Everybody needs something. Let's talk to Patricia about that. Yeah. You guys go to
find Patricia and you hear strange moaning coming from inside the Varda. Well, nope, I don't need to
go see what's in there. I thought we were going to get that. They got to do it one more time before
we use it. I'll do it. I'll ask. I'll ask. Oh, God. All right, Cal. I'm going to go.
All right, Cal. Nobody's going to stop me. OK. Well, you seem to enjoy it. What do you want me to do?
Cal licks his lips as he approaches the Varda. You knock on the door. Come in. I walk in. And
only Patricia is inside. What's going on, darling? Oh, come in, Cal, and close the door. Well,
we have some questions. I mean, I have some questions. Give me a heart roll. 16. Way high.
You forget all the questions that you were supposed to ask and enter the Varda. You guys see
Cal enter the Varda one more time and close the door behind him. God damn it, Betty. We shouldn't
have sent him up there. I mean, I wasn't going to go up there, but. Who knows how long if any of us
are going to make it out of this. So, you know, I suppose that's true. Well, I guess we just wait
for him to come out. But after that, we got to move. Yeah, definitely. All right. 19 minutes
later, Cal emerges. All right, Cal. All right. Just just go back to the house and just whatever.
I don't want to know. I don't want to talk about it. Maybe later. But right now I need to ask her
a few questions. Where are you going, honey? Make me another heart roll. 15. You turn around and
closing the door again and then go back into the Varda. It's pretty much evening now. So, wait. I
left. I left what was left of my coat inside. I will be right back. Right back. I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry. Like, Jesus, I will be one moment. Sorry. Less than five minutes later, Cal emerges
again from the Varda. God damn it. Betty, I think you should just go in there. Yeah, Cal,
get over here right now. Yes, boss. All right. Patricia. Whoo. All right. Yes, I understand.
Good for you. Thank you. Wonderful. He's great. He's all right. All right. He ain't no heart.
Okay. All right. We don't need to go any further. Listen, we need to know everything that you can
tell us about Ava Reese. Everything. I can't tell you much. She's an evil sort. She's going to
demand a toll from you to do the ritual. That I can be sure. But what it is,
I don't have the mind to think like her. Can you be certain that anybody who's willing to give
everything would be able to make a deal with her? I can be certain that she will find something from
everyone without exception to get her toll. All right. Well, we made it this far, guys. And
I feel like we've lost a little bit of ourselves along the way, which is, it gets to be expected
with any type of vengeance. What do you mean lost? I feel like I've found. For the exception of Cal.
Such excitement and joy. I don't know. I feel like what we lost back in those minds,
I'm never going to get back. Yeah. I don't know. I don't like witches, but whatever, man. What are
we going to do? We have no choice. I would sign whatever I would need to right now to make sure
the red right hand got his justice. Yeah, me too. We got to go. We got to do this. We heading out
tonight. Are we waiting for morning? I feel like we had a whole day of rest plus a whole night sleep.
I feel like we just need a ride. I feel absolutely outstanding. All right. I'm ready. Let's ride up.
Herbert meets you guys out front. Well, how do you folks? Oh, hey there, Cal. Hey,
buckaroo. I have some fantastic news. What's that, Herbert? From behind his back, he produces,
wrapped in a cloth, an ornate six shooter with a beautiful ironwood grip forged out of blue gray
steel. And as he unwraps it, he holds it in front of the three of you. The setting evening sun
glints off the beautiful metal, making it shine just that much brighter. Well, I have completed
my portion of the task. Damn, Herbert, that's a beautiful gun. I think it is my magnum opus.
Betty can't take her eyes off the gun, but she then just looks up and stares up at you.
I'm staring back at Betty. Well, Betty, I believe there's long Steve as the leader of this here
outfit. I feel like the first time we heard about this was from your dream, Cal, and I feel like we
all reached out for it. I feel like it's going to let us know which one. Betty, I think it's your
gun. That's your gun. I think it's in your blood that you should take this. And I'm going to tell
you a hard truth. Betty, Bill was your daddy. You were meant to lead this outfit when he was gone.
Bill? Bill? Wait, Bill was my... Bill was your daddy. I called him all daddy, but he was my
daddy. He's the real one. Well, Katie told me about it with her dying breath. Katie knew?
I don't know how Katie knew, but Katie told me, and with her dying breath, she ain't going to tell a lie.
My word. Well, shit, that's a lot to unpack. Well, I don't have time for that right now.
I don't have time for that right now. Absolutely, you know what to do. You take this piece of iron
and you use it to do good and then vanish the death of our friend and your father, Bill of Hate,
of which we are the Order of Hate. Betty almost reluctantly, but just to make a show of it,
just to be like, all right, I got to do this. But in her head, she just doesn't want to. She's not
ready for the role, but she just knows she has to do it. So she grabs the pistol. As you reach and
put your hand on the grip, it feels like it was made for your hand. It fits perfectly. The weight
is immaculate. The sights are beautiful. The engraving of a bumbler fighting a wolf down
the side. Everything about the pistol just rings of excellence. Betty holds it up and examines it
and gives it a quick little twirl one way, one the other way. How's it feel? Like it was made for her.
Well, guys, I think this is going to get the job done. Got one more stop. You ready to head out?
More ready than you know. All right. Y'all taking off tonight then? We're taking off right now,
Herbert. Well, then let me extend one last gift to y'all. We can part ways after this. But here,
I made these for you while I was down in the shop as well. And he hands you each one lead of your
choice. And the two choices are hollow tipped lead, which will add an extra one D four damage
onto your shots made with that particular lead. So you'd have to say I'm using this lead when you
reload and that'll add one D four to every bullet from that load or bullets that seem to be imbued
with a little bit of magic, which you can roll one D four from your shot roll and subtract that
from the total to try to get a better score. So if you roll two D six, you can roll one D four and
remove that number from the total. And the hollowed one was one D four damage. One D four additional
damage. Yeah. I'm gonna take the damage. I'm gonna take the magic. So that's one? One light's worth.
Hello point. So you're gonna take the damage as well? Yeah, I'm gonna take the magic version.
Okay, because I have eight shots. So well, thank you, Herbert. That's um, it's a mighty fine parting
gift. And uh, thank you for all you've done. And uh, just know that if you were any good friend of
Bill's that we're gonna do what's right. Get the bastard who done this. Well, let me put it this
way. I hope to see y'all when you return, there will be rooms waiting for you and a hot meal
that we can sup over for you to recant your tails. Sounds good, Herbert. And a warm bed.
And we're gonna need three of those. Well, at least two. We'll see about that.
And we'll get catch y'all on the, on the flippity flip as they say. Your kids have fun. Absolute
pleasures. Cal, I won't forget the absolute pleasures. Anyways. I wish I could. Anyway,
thank you so much, Herbert. You are most welcome. Y'all take that Varda. I see Patricia has made
her way out already. It is, uh, should be free for y'all to take. It should provide an extra layer
of comfort for you on your journey. Blueberry pie. Uh, there's a blueberry pie on the window sill.
Herbert and Patricia have fed you so well over the last few days that on the next day of your
journey, you will not have to burn a ration. Nice. So yeah, that's a full night and a day of travel.
I told you, I told you both that blueberry pie was utterly fantastic and you didn't,
you didn't believe me. That's enough of the pie talk, Cal. We get it. I'm getting away from this.
I'm gonna climb up to the driver's seat. I assume we hooked up the donkeys already. Yes. And strangely
enough, when you guys were hooking up the donkeys, it began to snow very gently. As you begin your
journey, the snow begins to fall heavier. Glad we brought all these extra blankets and this Vardo to
keep us warm. Jesse, you let us know if you want to take your place up there so you can come warm up.
I'm all right. I ain't going in there. All right. Well, maybe Cal can go up and you can come back
in for a little bit. Well, it's not Cal. I'm avoiding it's the hole. It's all right. I used a
lot of vinegar. We're fine. All right. The house is clean. All right. All right. I'll come back in.
Cal looked it all up. Oh, you know, you almost had me and now I want to stay out here.
No, I'm just kidding. She's being, she's being a cheeky bitch. As she always is. Yeah.
So Cal, I take the ring overnight. Yeah. Give me a heart check. You've been real good at these today.
Yeah. What am I fucking in the woods?
Night, which is my heart. Okay. Even though the night air is crisp and cold, you do not succumb.
I feel like we're heating up pie on the inside and handing it to him, keeping it warm. Hot coffee
and stuff. Is there a wood stove in the Vardo? Yeah, right. Yeah, definitely. It's a witch hut.
Yeah. This is, yeah, we're heating up stuff and we're giving it, we're feeding the Cal out there.
We're conscious about it. We're giving our buddy a good, hitting him up, pack up blankets and.
There you go. And with all that, you don't succumb to the dangers of the night. And it's morning as
you guys continue on your journey. And with the three donkeys strapped to the front, they don't
slow and they don't tire and they continue to pull you north. And as you continue to go, the snow
builds up inches at a time. And for the first day of the journey, you don't encounter anything.
Who takes the reins throughout the next night? Betty will. Okay. Betty, give me a heart check.
Nice. I got a 10 and my heart is 11. All right. Similar to the night before, your order members
help keep you awake, fed and warm. And you are not affected by the cold evening. However, Jesse Jane
give me a strength roll. I got a 17. All of a sudden your head begins to pound as it feels like
your eyes are trying to force their way out of your skull and you drop to the ground and you take
one strike damage. Wow. My head. Cal, what's going on back there? Jesse, Jesse, are you okay? Cal,
my head's killing me. I can't even open my eyes. Put a hot compress on it, Cal. I try to make some
warm water over her head. How can I help? I don't know, Cal. I don't know. I don't know how to help
this. Just try to sleep it off, girl. You lay down in the bed? Yeah. And throughout the night, you
fight for a good night's sleep. However, your head pounds throughout the evening. Eventually you do
fall asleep and by the morning your headache subsides. Are you okay? Yeah, I feel better this
morning. That was horrible though. I didn't get sleep really. Yeah, you got some coffee heating up
back there. Yes, boss. Yes, boss. It's mighty cold. Got it. Got it. Betty, let me go out there. I'll
drive for a while. You come warm up. Sounds good. As the two of you are switching positions on the
Varda and Betty Bob, you're heading inside, the two of you hear a loud buzzing. Who? Me and Betty?
Betty Bob and Jessie Jane. It's getting closer and closer at a very quick pace. Jessie, you hear that
or is that just my head? Oh, I thought it was my head. I'm glad you hear it too. Uh oh. Cal, we got
something going on. Be ready. You hear the click of metal on metal. Swiftly, the two of you are set
upon by three squeaks, which are giant flying scorpions. Flying scorpions? Oh, fuck me. Not
like giant giant like some of the other creatures, but large. Yeah. Yeah. Like a small dog. I mean,
a regular sized flying scorpion would be terrifying. Yeah, like half the size of a person. Oh, what?
Oh my god. Yeah. Oh my god. I'm gonna start swinging my machete around like I'm fighting bugs
off, you know? Yeah, same thing. Whip in the air like a horse's tail. Whipping. Keep them away from
the donkeys. Both of you make me one D6 roll. I got a two. I got a six. Jessie Jane, you're the one
that makes purchase as you slice one of these squeebs tails off. Well, that's the dangerous
part. They still got claws and fangs. Yes, as you shout, that's the dangerous part. Two of their
claws dig in. Oh, god. And cut into you for four damage. Don't forget to take your defense off of
that. Cal, we could use some of that shooting out here, bud. Another one flies down and Betty Bob,
it flies down and tries to stab you with its stinger, but it doesn't have enough force to
penetrate your leather jacket. The other one on the other hand does and it stabs you for four.
Can I light my torch? Sure. Cal, you make your way out of the Vardale. I am feeling great and I'm
just going to pick up my rifle, swing it, pull it up and shoot the thing that's right in front of
Betty. So you're quick drawing? Quick draw, yes. Okay. Take one fatigue. You're shooting with your
rifle, you said? Yes. Okay. Two sixes. Six and a four. Ten is a myth. Maybe switch to the six
shooter, Cal, next time. Thank you. Yes. I believe that I need a glass of water after what I just went
through. Jesse and Betty Bob, you want to light your torch? Yes. Go for it. Are they getting close
enough that I can like hit them with the fire? Oh, they're flying all around. So yeah, they're
actively attacking. Yeah, I'm going to try to hit it with the fire of the torch. Okay. And Betty Bob?
Uh, I got one more shot before I have to reload. So I'm just going to take it right now. Okay.
The one, the tail got, uh, no, the one who still has his tail. Okay. If it's in range. Um, two,
yeah, sure. Okay. Two, two out of the three are in range and have their tail. It's a nine. Nine is a
grazing shot. So one D four. It's a two. You shoot one of these things wings off and it comes crashing
down into the ground. Are we still moving at this point? No, nobody's controlling this thing. So it
has stopped. Okay. Jesse Jane, go ahead and make me a mundane weapon roll. So with a torch on fire
and seeing these are bugs, go ahead and give me one D eight. Five. Are you swinging at an injured
one or a fresh one? Uh, the one I cut the tail off of. You managed to smack this thing with your
torch and you set it ablaze quickly and its carapace falls to the ground. I got one. Good job, Jesse.
I didn't shoot a cow. You okay? Yeah. He's got the monocle on. He can't see properly. Cal, another
one flies down from behind you and stabs you with a stinger doing five poison damage. Don't forget
subtractor defense. And then it is your turn. I'm going to try and blow it away with a pistol. Okay.
Two D six. One D six for the pistol. Two. Doubles sixes. Oh, for the first time somebody rolls
on the worst table in the game. A 12 is a misfire. I will need you to once again roll two D six
on the misfire table. So roll and tell me what you get.
A six, seven, three. So nine. Luckily your gun is just jammed. You'll have to take your next turn
to unjam it and have it operational once again. What in the h- Arrgh. All right Cal, maybe just
switch it up. So there's one healthy, one on the ground and one dead. Squeak. Would it be possible
for Betty to take her action to reload and then hop in the driver's seat and get the donkeys going
again? Yeah, absolutely. Okay. So I'll take one lead away, reload my eight shots again. 14 lead.
I'm not going to use the magic one yet. Okay. There's a healthy one and an injured one. Yep,
one that's been knocked to the ground and a healthy one. Before you take your shot,
Betty's going to say, hold on and try to get the donkeys to move.
Okay, as we start moving then I'm going to try to hit it with my torch. Roll one D. Five. You burn
the other one's wings off and it tumbles to the ground. Now the two squeaks are mostly just
walking around. So at the pace that you guys can keep with the donkeys, you quickly leave them behind.
Nice thinking, Betty. Yeah, it's worth a shot. We should have just kept running in the first place,
but um, Cal, you all right back there? Yep, just embarrassed. Yeah, gun jammed for the first time
in 48 hours, huh? That was due for a misfire. It happens. All right, everybody okay, Jesse? You
all right? Yeah, I'm all right. All right, well um, I guess I'll just keep on going. You guys stay
warm back there. I'll be fine out here. We'll keep you good. All right. You guys continue on and you
ride throughout the day. Who takes the night shift, if anybody? I'll take it. Are you sure? Yeah, I
don't mind. You don't have to. Well, I want to keep going. I'm ready to meet this witch and
kill that red-red head. Yeah, I feel like we're a little bit on a time crunch right now. We are all
aware of how you feel about witches. You do not have to be much of a part of this. Well, thank you,
but I'll at least get you there. How about that? Okay. Give me a heart roll. 17. It seems your
companions, even though they're very eager to help the previous two nights, may have fallen
asleep early tonight and you suffer through the cold night. You don't stop, but you do take one
damage to your heart. Sorry, Jesse. I guess we just fell asleep. How you doing up there? Let's get her
some coffee, Cal. Yeah, you look great. You're doing great. Let's get you some hot fuel in you.
Thanks. It's so cold out there. You're doing fantastic, Cal. Get down here. Cal, why don't you
switch with her? Switcheroo. Thanks, Cal. And you ride through the day at your frenetic pace.
The donkey is still, once again, never really slowing, except for occasionally you let them
graze and give them some food to keep them on their way. Jesse, give me a strength roll.
I rolled a five and I have a 10 strength. You feel a headache start, but you quickly close your eyes,
tense up your forehead and force it away. And today you are not afflicted.
I ain't got time for this. Cal, do you continue to ride through the night? Yeah. At this point,
I need everybody to subtract two rations. And if we stayed in there for one night, do we get our
grip back or? No. Okay. The journey is pretty arduous. You guys haven't really slowed down.
Yeah. And the overall temperatures and the conditions have really got you guys down.
And although you feel strong in body, your heart is taking a beating and it's kind of wearing down
a bit of your resolve. Did you say you ride through the night, Cal? Yeah. Did you roll? Nope. Make a
heart check for me. I rolled a 15. Oof. Subtract one from your heart. The three of you plus roll
continue through the cold, harsh North. And as you look, Grohl has been passed out, curled up on the
bed pretty much the entire time. This is a nice little vacation for him. And he's helped bake and
drink, you know, his fill of ale, which isn't much. And he's just continually having a great time.
You have what you estimate about one day left before you're about as North as you think anyone's
ever been. Who's going to take the last shift? I'll take it. Okay. You exchange places with Cal
and hop on for the final stretch of the journey, you hope, and ride into the night. Give me a heart
roll. Seven. I have an 11. You make it through fine. Yeah. And as you continue a ride in front of you
is a log on fire that is blocking the path. Whoa. Whoa, donkeys. Guys. Yeah, Betty. Um,
we got a situation out here. All right. I'll climb out of the fire. Varda? Varda. And what do you do?
Betty, what do you want me to do? This log's on fire. Yeah, no, I think we need to, uh,
put it out and then move it. Maybe toss some snow on it. Yeah, we need to keep going or,
or maybe just, we just assume the fact that this is a part of what we're trying to find here. I
don't know. But I want to just start throwing snow on the fiery logs so we can just move it.
Yeah, I'll help throw snow on the fiery logs. But if anything happens, Jesse, I want you to be there
and I'll just try to get on the Varda with the shotgun covering us. Oh, all right. It looks like
a trap. All right, I can do that. If anything, if we're going to try and put this out and get the...
All right. Cal and Betty Bob approach the log and begin to throw snow on it to put it out. You do
so pretty easily. The fire subsides and goes down. And as you make your way back, I need both of you
to strike the check for me. I rolled a 16 and I have a 10. I rolled an 18 and I have a 15.
Suddenly both of you feel the grasping of hands on your back and you begin to get pulled into the
dark. Jesse! Oh God! Do I see this? You do. Well, I'ma shoot at one of them. Which one?
The one holding Betty. Okay, give me two D6. Two fives. A 10 is a miss.
Do I have time to react? You have to react now. Okay. Betty's going to try to...
If these hands are pulling her down... Pulling you into the woods. Pulling us into the woods.
So Betty's going to take her whip and try to whip onto something to hold onto it. Okay. And just
like pull yourself out of the grass. Okay. Give me a four or a higher will allow you to anchor
yourself to something. I was a one. You take two points of damage as these claws dig into you,
which is negated by your defense. Cal. I try to do the same thing. I try to whip and grab onto
something and pull my way out of it. Similarly, I will need a four or higher. Three. These claws
dig into you as well. However, your duster does seem to do an adequate job of keeping the claws
from penetrating your skin. Almost simultaneously, the two of you feel teeth dig into your necks.
Betty Bob, you're going to take four points of damage. Cal, you're going to take three.
Is that already negated? Nope. Okay. Two you said? Oh, four. Four. Jesse Jane, what are you doing?
Okay. After we fought the Squeebs, I had my torch. Could we say that I put it in like a
little torch holder thingy on the outside of the Varda? Sure. We'll say it's lighting up the Varda
currently. It's not giving off like a tremendous amount of light, but it is helping. Okay. I'm
going to take it and I'm going to hook it at the one holding Betty. You throw this torch at Betty
and the monster that's holding her and the light sheds around this creature. You hear it screech
and it reverts back into the forest quickly and lets her go. Oh, it don't like light. That's very
good to know. Okay. Good. Light them up everybody. Betty Bob and Cal. Yeah. So I'm going to, if I'm
assuming that I have access to everything in my inventory, I'm going to light up the lantern in
the oil. You sure do. I light up the lantern in the oil. Okay. And what do you do with it?
I'm going to approach Cal and the one holding him. As soon as you take a few steps towards it
and this monster begins to get bathed in the light, it shrieks and takes off into the forest.
Cal, pick up the torch. Yes. Thank you, Wells. So, uh, yeah, I got the lantern. He's got the torch
and, uh, guys, this place is fucked, but we can't stop now. Cal, you got to help me move this log.
I move it. Give me a strength check, my man. Yeah, I move it. All right. Can you tell us what you got?
My strength is even though I'm minus one, I'm at 14. I just rolled an eight. Excellent. You have no
troubles moving it and you clear the path. Jesse Jane, make a strength check for me. A two. Excellent.
It seems you're able to force the headache away again, as soon as you feel a start and you guys
can continue on your journey. Hopefully we find this damn witch soon. This is becoming exhausting.
We're going to freeze to death out here if we don't find something soon. Facts. I mean, that log was
on fire. Well, someone put it there, so we have to be close. Well, I mean, we could steal some of the
embers. We could make our own fire and take it with us. I mean, we have the torches and everything,
too, so. Yeah, we could wander down and set up a camp and make ourselves safer. I mean, I feel like
we might even be just safer in the Vardo if we all just need to feel like we need to sleep for the
night, but. I feel it is probably the most safe place to be. And I'm talking to you, Jesse. Well,
I mean, if there's the torch on the front, I'll be in the light. I could keep driving.
You will not sit outside for the entirety of the night. All right, fine. You will have to get over
your fear of the darkness and the black magic. It is all the same. It's how the universe works.
I just want to get there so we can get going. Betty, what do you think? I'll do whatever.
I feel like it's kind of what Bill was trying to teach us is that it's all about different doors.
It's how the universe works. Death is just a different door. Well, then I guess we got to
push ourselves in that direction then, Cal. I've been thinking about that a lot. I feel like closer
we get to death, the closer we get to finding out what door we actually got to go through. So I
wouldn't even think of it as death. It's just a matter of moving from one place to another.
Right now, we got to move more north until we find this person. I'm going to go. All right.
Are you continuing to travel through the night or are you all camping inside?
I'll drive if I got Betty's blessing. How are you feeling? I'm all right.
All right. Let's keep going. Jesse, you continue to man the Varda,
driving it into the night. And you drive and you drive and you drive. And morning doesn't seem to
come. You thought the sun should rise by now, but it never does. Each of you please remove two more
days rations. And equally as you ride through the night, you continue to hear groans and screeches
emanating through the woods around you. Sometimes close, but never entering in the circle of light
that you guys have bathed the Varda in. At some point in the next day, you come into a clearing
where the snow seems to have piled up, but it's not snowing anymore. The wind has subsided here
and it's bright, brighter than the rest of the woods anyways, like a dim evening glow. And from
the center, you can see a large pyre and a small hut next to it. All right. I'll knock on the Varda
to wake them two up. Hey, I think we're here. I think we found at least someone. How are you
feeling, Jesse? I'm all right. I'm all right. You don't have to fuss over me. I'm fine. Your
fingertips are black. Well, that I had not noticed until now, but you know, fingers are just fingers.
I only need the one for shooting, really. All right. Well, that's just, you know, we're all a
little busted up. I don't want to say we need to rest before we go in here, but I fear like we need
to be ready for whatever happens to us. All right. So we taking a quick nap. Do I feel like we're on
the edge of this like clearing? Yeah, sure. You can stop before you get in there. I think we need a
I think we need a night. Okay. And you guys climb in. It's hard to distinguish night from day
right now as it's almost perpetually dark. But you get in and you get a decent night's sleep.
Everybody can recover up to half of their missing grip. Rounding up. Oh, sweet. I mean, I know it's
not exactly the best night's sleep ever, but it's definitely better than nothing. I feel better than
I did. Good. Glad to hear. At least the donkey's got some time to recover and we can at least make
our way back if we make it back. But I feel like it's clear. I feel like this hut is what we need
to go to. And I don't feel like wasting no more time. I'm right behind you, Betty. Please lead the
way. I will trudge through the snow to that hut. And you do unimpeded. The hut is made of rocks,
straw, some wood seems to be warm. Inside as you can see puff smoke from a chimney and trying to
look through the windows. The glass is almost magically obscured when you try to look through
it. I'm going to knock on a door and say, I've come to bargain. When you knock the door swings
open, I look back at Cal and Jesse, give them a slight wink and I walk through. I'll walk in
immediately behind you. I walk in skeptically. Walking through the house. The three of you were
looking for any signs of life. There's only three rooms in the entire house and there doesn't seem
to be anyone present. And as you're standing inside, when you turn around and look back at the door
from whence you came, there is a figure, a large imposing female figure standing in the doorway.
Who dares to come to my house? We are people who have traveled a long, hard journey to get here
because we seek nothing more than your help and we are willing to give you whatever you need
to get it. My help? Yes. What would you ask of Avarice, witch of the North? Avarice,
have you ever heard of the Red Right Hand? I have heard. Well, they're causing a lot of ruckus and
a lot of trouble and doing a lot of shit that's probably not cool. Messing with timelines and
messing with dimensions. I don't know really what's going on but it seems sketchy and we aim to stop
them and we need someone to do a binding on a gun. That is why you have come. And we also hear that
you're the strongest witch of your kind that ever was and ever will be. Enough with the pleasantries.
I need them not. I care not for these compliments, these soulless compliments. Then what do you care
for? As I look at each of you, I see inside each of you have something that I want. Tell us what it
is. I must tell you though, the toll is high. It will leave each of you perhaps a little less than
you are now. Lady, we didn't come this far. To have someone warn us about some kind of bullshit
that's going to happen to us, we expect it to be dead by now. So, as long as you're telling us that
we'll still be able to be alive and extract our revenge, we will do it. You'll still have your
lives as long as we're in agreement that Avarice gets what she wants. Would it be possible to take
things from me and you don't have to take them from my compadres here? The three of you have made
the journey together. I can see that you're linked in soul and mind. For Avarice to do this, I would
like something from each of you. We are here together. What about the donkeys? The donkeys
have already ran off. God damn it. Oh, what? We gotta walk back? No, she can send us back. I know
we'll get figured something out. Alright. What happens to you is not my concern. Well, what do
you want? Say it already. From you, child with the trauma. From you, I demand your most precious
possession. Oh, I don't... Um, alright. And I pull out of my satchel that I've never mentioned.
My old teddy bear that Bill saved for me. Yes, that will do. Set it on the table. Alright. And I hug
my little teddy bear one more time and I put it on the table. From you, the big man that cherishes
his strength above all else. From you, it will not be a physical object. It will be some vitality.
I will take your strength. Do you agree?
I suppose it is the strength of my brawn. If you agree, simply hold out your hand.
I accept your terms. You hold out your hand and Averisa outstretches hers. Please roll me one d4.
Please subtract two from your strength. And from you, the one that talks for the whole world,
and that talks for the whole group, I see what you find most important.
That beauty of yours. Yes, that is what I shall take. I will give you one choice.
Give me your eye. Or give me some of your soul.
Well, this world is an ugly place and if I only have to see half of it, then so be it.
Then come a little closer, child. Make a strength check for me.
Twelve and I have a ten. You're going to take two damage to your heart directly as she sucks
the eyeball out of its socket. Like with her mouth? With her hand. Oh. Magically. And you
are left similarly like Bad Bill Hate with just one eye. Yes, this will do. And she walks over to
her table. I must warn you of one more thing. It's always a caveat. Always a caveat, but there's not
much that I can do. Well, you should. Magic attracts some unsavory creatures around these parts.
While I perform the ritual of binding, I must do it to completion.
In order to do that, the three of you must protect me and not make sure that I am not
interfered with. Is this something that we can agree upon? Absolutely. We're ready to do the
most unsavory of things to save what we know. I already gave up my eye. There's not much else I
wouldn't give up, so horde mode it is. We're here to destroy the Red Rat Hand. He is an absolute
vile creature that deserves to be blown to smithereens. I do agree. We're gonna try our best to do that,
and you're helping us, so yes, we will defend you with our utmost. Excellent. Hand me the item that
you want to bind with. I hand him the item. We must now go outside. Jesse, you still got that uh,
that bandana of bills? I do got that. Mind if I borrow it for a little bit? Yeah, no problem.
Strap it around my one eye that's missing so no one has to see the gaping hole. You look so
fucking tough right now. Hopefully there wasn't anything gross in here. It's like waving in my
eye socket. What was it, in his back left pocket? He used to lean to the other side to fart? I think
you're good. All right, I won't get pink eye in my non-existent eye. I don't think you can get pink
eye. Pink socket. Stop wasting Avarice's time. All right, let's do this. She heads out in front of
the pyre and it bursts into life with a green flame. She sets the pistol on the altar and begins
to chant. The sky grows even darker and the stars begin to swirl around, almost like time is moving
at an impossible pace. As this happens, you guys continue to hear shrieks and groans and growls
emanating from the woods around you. Make sure you're all loaded and ready to go guys. If you
want to do something, now's the time. I'm ready. Unjam my gun. Yes, your guns should all be
unjammed and reloaded if you want them to. Proper working order. Raspberry. From all around you,
and you begin to see incorporeal spirits floating towards the center of the pyre. Some seem more
concerned with actually getting to the witch, while others seem to be distracted by your presence.
All of a sudden, two of them make their way very quickly towards Avarice. I'm gonna shoot it. Yeah,
I'm gonna take a shot at one that the Jessie doesn't shoot at. Well, yeah, you do your thing first.
Okay. 2d6. 2d6, please. You guys can act at the same time. Oh, okay. Well, I'm gonna do my cry
pardon. I'm gonna try to hit the two that are attacking Avarice and one of them that maybe is
heading towards us. Okay. I rolled a 12. So that's a 105 and a 2. So you're 1 and 2 do maximum damage
and you're 5 if you could roll damage for that 1d8. That's a 4. You managed to blast three of these
guys back away from Avarice and into nothingness. Jessie Jane, on the other hand, please roll me
2d6 on the mist fire table. 9. Your scatter gun somehow becomes jammed due to the snow and icy
buildup. Cal, what are you doing? I'm gonna take a shot at the one that Betty was... Betty dispatched
all three of hers that she shot at. Oh, well then, yeah, then I'm gonna take Jessie's out. Okay. I'm
gonna use the pistol. Okay, 2d6, please. A 1 and a 2. That's a maximum damage. So go ahead and that
does 8 and give me another d6. 2. You blast another one of these ghosts away and where there used to
be a dozen, now there are only 8. Don't let up on the fire, guys. We got a long night ahead of us.
Well, let's readjust, ladies. Let's gather ourselves and... How far are we from the Varda? Are you guys?
Yeah. It was parked on the edge of the clearing is where you guys left it. However, the donkeys did
take off, so the Varda is gone. So I don't have my torch. We'll say you still have your torch. Does that mean
Grol is gone? Grol's with you guys, always. Wherever you guys go, Grol goes, unless there's pie.
Okay, well, if that's the case, I'm gonna take my torch and I'm gonna start flailing away at these
monsters. Okay. Three ghosts rush towards Avarice while three of them attack the three of you.
As their icy bodies move three, guys, you're hit with a pang of cold and each of you take four damage.
Yeah, I'm gonna try that. All three of you can attack at the same time. Okay, I'm gonna do another pop pop pop.
A four, two, and a three. Okay, roll me just one d8 because the other two are gonna do
eight damage. Eight. Three d8. You dispatch another three of these ghosts. Please make sure you're marking that down on your fatigue.
Yes, absolutely. Every time I use it and it is also counting as three shots. Check. That leaves
Jessie, Jane, and Cal. There are now five left. There's still the ones attacking us or Betty just
took those out. I believe you took out the ones around Avarice. Yeah, you said there were three
attacking her. Yes. I took those three out. So there are still several attacking you guys. Oh,
then I'm gonna flail wildly at one of the ones attacking us. Okay. With the torch. She's roll one d8.
Four. Flailing wildly with your torch. It seems ghosts don't like torches and you dissipate another one as
the flame from your torch passes through its body. Cal McCray. I'm going to shoot with the pistol
into one of the ghosts that are coming at me. Two d6. Four and a two. That's a hit. So please roll me one d8 for damage.
Three. You hit another one of these and your bullet passes through and with it its incorporeal body kind of fades into the night.
Jessie, Jane, you take four points of damage as another one of these hits you with this icy touch.
Cal, you take three and Betty Bob, you take four and the last three rush to the altar. All right guys,
now's the time to hit your shots. I'm gonna aim for one of them. Okay. Which one you aiming at Betty Bob?
The one in the middle. I'll take the one on the right. Take the one on the left. That's a nine.
A nine is a grazing shot. I got a ten. Ten is a miss. Three. Three? I lied. My gun's jammed.
I couldn't shoot it. No, I run the fuck up there and try to swat at it with my torch, I guess. Okay.
The two of you take two shots around Jessie, Jane as she runs up towards the altar. Both of you dispatching your ghosts.
And Jessie, Jane? Six. Oh, you definitely smoke the last one with your flame of damage.
And just like that, the clearing is cleared. And Avarice's chanting dies down at the exact moment the last ghost is dispatched.
Is that enough protection for you? The green fire goes out behind her and with that she disappears.
What'd you say to her? She... I... God damn it. Is there anything left? You walk up and sitting on the altar,
your six shooter glows with an immaculate light. I think she did it guys. Damn, we actually did it.
I'm gonna reach out and grab it. It almost hums as you do. It vibrates your whole body and you can feel the power flowing through it.
Yeah, she did it. Well, hot damn. It's even got your initials engraved on the handle.
B-H. BBC. BBC-H. Betty H. Oh, that's right. Well, that ruins everything. Betty H. Betty Bob Cocker-Hate.
All right. Well, guys, we got that red right hand to kill. About damn time. The only issue is how the hell we're gonna get back.
Well, I think now that this thing exists and you've got it, I think he'll come to us. Now we got to prepare ourselves because it's gonna happen.
Probably soon, right? Maybe there's something about what's this? I speak, friend and enter.
What's the elvish word for fr... No, I'm just kidding.
Melon. Do I feel like there's anything I can do to get us out of here with this new artifact gun?
Like, what is, what am I holding? Like, can I, what is, what is this? It does not glow in the presence of orcs.
As you're holding it, wondering that, thinking about the red right hand, you look up past Cal and Jesse
and behind them is a single red door standing alone in the snow.
Guys, get ready for a showdown.
Look. I'm gonna turn around and I'm gonna aim my gun at the door.
And I aim my gun right at the door.
Well, I'm just, I'll reload my eight. Okay. Just to do it. I'm actually gonna reload them with the magic rounds too, just in case.
Okay. So I'll take my one magic round away so I have eight rounds of magic shot.
For my repeater, I don't know what this open gun is gonna do.
Yeah, I'm gonna load my holo point into my long gun.
Okay. I'm gonna call my shot.
Hmm, solid move. As soon as he walks out.
You're gonna lick your finger rather than the sight.
So are the three of you waiting for him to come to you?
No.
We're going through?
Yes. This is the last part of my vision. We have to go through.
All right. Y'all ready for your door Cal?
I thought we were coming, we were waiting for him to come to us.
Well, he's kinda here.
I don't think that's how it works Cal. I think we gotta prove that we're better.
We've got something he wants.
Yes.
Let's go give it to him.
I don't think the same way.
Betty starts walking towards the door slowly at first and then starts walking faster and faster and then starts trotting.
All right, I'm right behind her and I'm pulling my holo point out of my long gun. I'm gonna try and put it in that pistol.
I'm gonna call him a shot.
Can't call the shot with a pistol.
Yeah, get to the door. I mean if you want to hang back, you can hang back. So if we open the door in there right there, you can just pop a shot.
Betty reaches out for the door knob, looks at Jesse.
I'm with you.
Looks at Cal.
Let's go.
Jesse nods.
That is just another door.
That's where he's hit.
Opens it. Walks through.
The second one you pointed to?
Yes, for the six shooter. That is unlocked to you now.
You guys walk through the door and momentarily you are encompassed by a void.
Around you, you see galaxies. You see lights. You see swirling objects that shouldn't swirl. You see things that your brain can't even comprehend.
But you continue to walk and only a short distance away do you find another single red door standing in your path.
That would be simple as just one door guys. They gotta keep the anticipation building. Um, death is just another door.
Just one more door I hope.
Open it and walk through.
You walk through and you find yourselves inside of a house in one room. A large room with a red carpet. Red paint on the walls.
And as you look outside, the entire sky has a red hue to it. But the three of you are alone, seemingly in a billiards room.
We know you're here you coward.
You hear some commotion. Somewhere in the house. But not in this room.
Now he wants to play cheeky and hide.
Well I hid last time I was in a house with someone horrible. And I'm not doing it again. I'm gonna find him.
Let's go.
Keep an eye on the corners.
You exit the room and head into the hallway. The next room that you encounter is a large parlor. You are set upon by sixth Grey Ken.
You will remember that these are the creatures that accompanied the Red Right Hand the first time that you met him. However they aren't able to get the drop on you.
I'm gonna see how this thing works.
Okay.
I'm gonna go fan the hammer.
Alright, tell us what that does.
I'm gonna use both hands to rapidly fire all six shots and blast damage up to against six targets.
Give me six d6 please.
Oh I got him ready to go.
Oh shit.
Okay. A two. A one. A four. A four and two sixes.
Okay.
The one and the two are max damage right?
Yep. You walk through. You immediately dispatch two of them with headshots.
You mortally wound two others and you incapacitate another two as you make your way through the room.
Suddenly there are four Grey Ken just writhing on the ground as you continue your way through.
Yeah this is pretty dope.
Well hells bells that thing has a ring to it.
Another one jumps out from behind a pillar and grabs you Cal.
I'm gonna shoot it.
Give me a shot.
Oh shit. Two ones.
Max damage. You blow this Grey Ken's head straight off.
Thank you Jesse.
I got you Cal. Is there another one standing up?
No more standing up.
Okay.
You continue to make your way through the house. The house is sprawling. It has giant room after giant room.
I'm gonna take time to reload the six shooter in between because that was also a chance.
Almost every room you guys are in you're set upon by Grey Ken.
Oh.
But you're able to dispatch them.
From behind Cal you take a bullet.
Does six damage. Bypassing your defense.
Do we hear the shot?
Oh definitely. It rings out and at first it doesn't.
And as soon as you turn two Grey Ken fly at both Jesse and Betty Bob.
Each of you make a strike check for me.
That one.
12 out of 10.
This Grey Ken runs up with its cudgel and smacks you in the knee.
And you're gonna take two damage.
Oh fuck.
Can I turn and shoot the one that whacked her?
Sure. Give me a shot.
A one and a two.
That's max damage so go ahead and hit it.
I'm gonna take a shot.
Sure. Give me a shot.
You don't even really have to roll for it but because we like big numbers give me an additional D6.
Five. So that's a total of 13 damage.
You blow this fucking Grey Ken's head clean off.
There's one standing there in the room with the three of you. You can roll together.
Yeah. I mean is he still shot?
He is still shot, yes.
I'm gonna, yeah, I'll roll for that.
This is a Grey Ken?
This is a Grey Ken, yeah.
How many is my machete?
Six.
Six from the whip.
Three.
The two bullwhips work to pull this thing's arms apart while Jessie Jane jumps in, severing its head with her machete.
And you guys hear a door slam behind you.
Cal, you alright?
I will be as soon as we find this red right hand.
Do you need like first aid right now though?
Do you hurt like that bad?
I am incredibly in an insane amount of pain right now.
I'm gonna give my first aid kit to Cal.
Okay, Cal, you will restore all of your heart.
What's everybody out?
I have nine hearts still and one grit.
I have no grit and I have eight hearts.
I'm gonna immediately turn around to that door slamming and go find that.
Move back to seven heart and zero grit.
You run through it?
Yeah.
Jessie, wait up!
As you run through the door, you see the red right hand on the other side and bursting through, he says,
Too slow.
And he shoots you for eight damage.
I fire.
And then because he actually got a dire hit, he does an additional two.
So you'll take ten damage overall.
Once I'm out of heart, it's strength, right?
Once you're out of heart, you're down.
I'm down.
Jessie, no!
Okay, Cal, you said you're firing.
I shoot.
Give me a shot.
You have your handgun out, not your rifle.
Says who?
Says you.
You were just shooting.
Blast him, bro.
Blast him.
Yeah.
I'll just shoot him.
Give me a shot.
Two fours.
That's an eight.
That's a grazing shot.
So one D four.
Three.
Okay.
So he returns fire but hits you with a grazing shot.
You take three damage.
As he equal, he takes three.
Okay.
Betty Bob.
Betty's gonna run and I'm assuming she's right behind Jessie.
First through the doorway and just unload all six shots.
I'm right at the right hand.
Using another one of those things.
She is pissed.
So that'll be six.
Come on now.
So three of those are max damage.
Okay.
So five and one is a four.
So that's three D eight.
Mm-hmm.
Seven and one and two.
So ten.
So ten plus 24.
Okay.
You do this and you hit the red right hand.
You force it back into the wall and you can actually see blood begin to pour out of them.
And as he hits that wall, he reaches out, finding a door next to him.
And he runs through it before you get a chance to follow him.
This cheeky bastard.
Shit.
Um, I gotta get Jessie up.
Shit.
As you're standing contemplating three more gray kin, bust into the room that three of
you are standing in.
Shit.
Two of them are standing in.
Cal.
Yes.
Plus girl.
Oh, yeah.
We got a hard decision to make, buddy.
We gotta get this guy.
You can stay here with her if you want to, but I need to finish this.
I slapped ten lead into your hand.
We have to finish this.
Well, you keep the lead.
I'm good, but I appreciate the thought.
But you just keep her safe.
I'm gonna go after this bastard.
You're leaving me here.
Yeah.
I gotta get this guy, Cal.
You keep her safe.
You and girl.
I have to get him.
Cal, go with her, Jessie says as she's dying.
I'm going with you, boss.
All right.
Girl, keep her safe somehow.
I don't know.
Something.
Girl, administer first aid.
Girl has a first aid kit in his mouth.
You would wish.
Girl's pulling anything that he has out of his fat rolls and trying to jam them into
your mouth.
They're largely unhelpful as they're mostly nuts and food items.
He's showing nuts in your mouth.
He's allergic to nuts.
He's showing nuts in your mouth.
Stop it, girl.
Now I'm choking and dying.
He's kind of freaking out.
Seeing the Greykin approach, knowing that they'll probably just leave her alone because
she's on the ground.
Hoping, assuming, that he's gonna give Jessie a swift kiss on her head and be like, we'll
be back for you.
And then.
So the both of you are leaving?
Run through the door?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Poor girl.
You run through the door and neither of you see the red right hand.
What's in the room?
This room, unlike the rest, has a dirt floor and is longer than it is wide.
It's well-wit.
And although every hue in here is also red, its ceilings are closer to two stories.
The ground is well-trodden and you can see that there are blood stains in a few different
spots on the ground.
Who's the first one through the door?
Oh, I would be.
Only you get shot in the back from up above and you take three points of damage.
As a grins and shot, it wins your arm.
That's a gunshot so it bypasses.
Bypasses defense, yes.
Okay.
Can I call a quick draw as soon as I walk out?
You don't see your target at this point.
You two take a bullet to your back, doing four points of damage.
Uhhhhhhhhh.
Cow!
You fucking coward!
Show yourself!
Cowards often win.
I'm gonna whirl around and see if I can spot him.
In doing so, the only thing you catch is a door closing.
But suddenly, you hear a voice.
If you want to prove yourself, we could do it the honorable way.
If you're talking about a duel, your gun versus mine.
I have been waiting for this.
As have I.
That gun, that one will be mine.
No it won't.
This will be the last duel you ever take part of.
I am about to end you.
Well, we shall see.
And you hear a door close behind you.
And standing in the middle of the arena is the Red Right Hand.
With his red hand hovering over his pistol.
Are you ready?
I was born ready.
Rules for dueling are slightly different.
We're each gonna roll a heart save.
As gunslingers don't kill with their gun, they kill with their heart.
If one side fails, the winner hits.
If both fail, both shots hit.
If both succeed, the lowest roll hits.
Even though we both succeed, if we both...
If we both succeed, the lower roll hits.
Right, because my heart's a seven right now, so if I roll below a seven, I'm probably gonna...
Hopefully beat whatever you do. I don't know, we'll see.
The tension builds. Time seems to stop as you stare.
You are quarry, down as he stands on the other side of the arena.
Peering from underneath the brim of his hat, his eyes even glow red.
As every shade of clothing that he wears, everything that he has is a different shade of maroon and deep red.
And you can't tell if he's still bleeding or not.
I'm gonna add another shade of red to your goddamn suit.
And as soon as you say that, you each draw your pistols.
I got a five.
The two of you draw.
And the red right hand, as he mutters, too slow, takes a bullet between his eyes.
Yes! Yes! Get it, bitch!
And the red right hand falls dead.
Maybe you should've tried your left hand, punk.
Nice.
I immediately walk over to his body and point my gun directly at his head.
And I just let another one go, just to make sure.
They'll double tap.
Security round? Yeah, that's fair.
You don't need to roll for that. He's dead dead. You blow his face off.
I'm gonna grab his gun just in case.
You grab his gun and inspecting it, you realize that this is Bad Bill Hates Gun.
I holster it, holster the other gun, and not taking a moment to enjoy the victory at all,
run back to Cal and run back to Jesse and see what's going on, if there's anything I can do.
You're able to gather their bodies and as you're wondering what to do, a white door appears in front of you.
Not attached to a wall, but just in the middle of the room.
And that's where we're gonna end We Deal in Dice.
Oh, what?
Oh, potatoes.
Damn, Betty Bob.
What about Grohl?
Nice shooting, Tex. Grohl's with you. Grohl didn't go anywhere.
Oh, man, what a...
He's licking, he's lapping the blood off the floor.
That was fun.
Damn, that was, that, that, that's intense.
That gunslinger mechanic, that stare down, that duel mechanic is...
That was awesome.
I was on the edge of my seat a little bit, I'm just like, oh, how's this gonna fucking go?
Yeah.
That was fucking awesome.
Yeah, what an adventure, what fun, and I hope someday I get to...
Hell yeah, we died.
Good job being dead.
That was fun.
I know.
Sad.
I mean, well, yes and no, that was fun, like, you know, like for you guys to see the...
Well, who knows? Who knows?
I didn't want to seem so heartless, like, letting you just like, like, Jesse's there, we gotta help her.
I'm like, no, death is just another door.
I was just like, I'm not gonna say it, but like, that's all I'm thinking right now.
Like, we gotta fucking do this.
This is why we're doing it.
Death is just another fucking door.
And We Deal and Led was voted to have bonus episodes in season two,
so it is always something that we can revisit and find out what the fuck is going on.
We're gonna see what happens to your weird gangrenous eye socket.
It's fine. Don't worry about it.
Guys, thank you so much. That was so much fun.
Dude, it was so great having you guys on the podcast.
Hell yeah.
This was fucking awesome.
Clap hands.
That was fucking...
That was fun.
Thank you so much, Johnny. You'll definitely be back.
I can't wait. I can't wait.
This was...
This was a great game.
This was one of my favorites.
I feel like our characters really came together throughout the entire thing.
Yeah, you guys did really well.
This is the finale episode of season one, with the exception of our cast party episode,
which is a lot of fun.
You'll get to know us as players and people a little better,
which is gonna come out.
People and marine mammals.
And marine mammals. Very important to know.
Some of us are dolphins...
Secretly.
In disguise.
Dolphins in disguise.
So that'll be our next episode before we jump into season two.
So I guess instead of seeing you next next Tuesday, we'll see you next season.
See you next season.
Bye.
The Tales from the Crit podcast is recorded in the Wolfbeard Games Studio in upstate New York.
If you've enjoyed hanging out with us, please subscribe on whichever platform you listen to.
If you really like us, also leave us a review. It's very helpful.
If you want to follow us more, you can find us on Instagram, at Tales from the Crit podcast.
We've enjoyed our time with you today, and we look forward to seeing you next time at Tales from the Crit.
It's around 25 to 26 years ago when we find you foraging for food for your family out in the wilderness.
You travel through the woods, gathering anything that you can.
Berries, scraps of meat, plants, wild vegetables.
Anything that you can carry.
Anything that'll provide sustenance for your family.
As you're searching a berry patch, looking for any delicious blueberries that might be there,
suddenly you're grabbed by the back of your neck.
Things go dark quickly.
As a hood is thrown over your head, you flail your young limbs trying to defeat your captor.
You receive a hard hit right to your face that causes you to black out.
A day later, you wake up and you find yourself in a cage in the back of a cart that is now moving through the woods.
A part of the woods that does not look familiar to you, that you have not traveled to.
Your mind reels as you think about your family, think about your loved ones, how you'll ever get back to them.
As you look around, there are others in cages in the back of this cart as well.
Not all like you, not all the same species even.
You travel for days on end, watching more and more victims get piled into the back of the cart.
When around day four, the cart pulls into a large town.
You can hear the two men that kidnapped you park the cart and head off.
You would think being captive in the back of the cart would raise some alarms, would cause someone to come and look.
And it does, it draws many onlookers, but not in a way that you would imagine.
Their stares form only curious looks, but no help comes.
As the day grows into night, your captors return and begin to unload you and the other victims out of the back of the cart.
Setting you down roughly on the dirt road that runs through the town.
They light torches and begin to get people's attention once again.
Come on, come on, check out our fine and rare specimens.
You grow nervous in your cage as you watch one creature after another getting sold to random onlookers from the crowd.
What could be happening? Your mind thinks. Why would they do this? Who could be so cruel?
And suddenly your cage is placed on top of the stage and people begin to make offers.
Starting low and then going ever higher, you're suddenly sold for twelve lead and a man from the crowd steps forward and grabs your cage.
Before he even leaves the road in front of the cart, he turns the cage around and looks you in your face.
Oh, who's a nice bumble? You're going to make an excellent pet for my children.
And he opens the door.
Meep, meep, meep, meep.
Okay. Roll me a mundane attack, please.
Meep.
You lunge out of the cage with tremendous speed, aiming right for the man's neck.
You dig your ferocious teeth in and just trying to make an escape, you don't realize that you actually sever the man's artery leading to his brain.
And his cries go from anger to agony as blood spews from his neck.
You take off running through the town and away from the crowd and away from your captors.
But you've never been in the city before and it's quickly overwhelming.
Meep, meep, meep, meep, meep.
You are able to find some shelter under a porch near the local saloon.
As you hide there for hours, watching people wander through the alleyways, your nerves stay on edge as this foreign land is too much for you to handle.
And as the night grows late, you hear a thud against your hidey hole.
Meep, meep, meep, meep.
Yeah, you look out.
Leaning against your hiding spot is a young man.
He has vomit on his shirt, a sick shooter on his hip, and he slurs his words as people go passing by.
Well, you look like this too if you could, if you were in my predicament.
Meep, meep.
Yes, he is definitely inebriated.
Meep, meep, meep.
Yeah, what he has on him, he has a gun holstered and he is grasping a piece of blueberry pie.
Meep, meep, meep, meep, meep, meep, meep.
You want to try to sneak out and get it?
Meep.
Go ahead and make me a dex check, please.
Meep.
You come out of your hole, reaching for the pie, being as stealthy as you think you can be.
However, maybe it's your nerves that are causing you to be a bit more jittery than you usually would be.
And you reach forward to grab some of the blueberry pie, and suddenly the man notices you and wakes up.
Go on, shoo, get away from my pie.
Meep, meep, meep, meep.
You stand staring at the man with outstretched hands.
Make me a heart check.
As the man looks deep into your eyes as a drunk person stares into a fire, he slowly opens up his hand where he has the decimated blueberry pie and holds it out to you.
Meep, meep, meep, meep.
He doesn't move as you approach slowly.
Meep, meep, meep, meep.
You take the pie.
And it's delicious.
It manages to lift your spirits even just slightly to taste of the delicious fresh blueberries remind you of your home.
But the man's kindness exudes and shows through even through his drunkenness.
It's okay there, little friend.
I could get us some more pie.
Meep, meep, meep, meep.
Yeah, would you like that?
Meep, meep, meep.
The man stands up staggering to the left and to the right.
I'll be right back.
And he heads down the alley.
Meep, meep, meep, meep.
You hide back under the porch.
A few minutes later, the man comes running back down the alley your direction, yelling, I got the pie.
I got the pie.
And he has an entire pie in his hands.
However, he has a man chasing him as well.
Meep, meep, meep, meep.
You want to jump out and scare him?
Meep, meep, meep.
And bite him?
Meep.
All right, yeah, give me a mundane attack roll.
You time it perfectly, leaping out of the darkness and latching onto the man's thigh, digging your ferocious canine slash raccoon teeth into him and tearing out a chunk.
As soon as he feels this, he slams his body against the wall and tries to kick you off.
The man with the pie continues to run down the alleyway and make his way out.
Meep, meep, meep, meep, meep.
You follow him?
You release your hold on the other man's thigh and chase the one with the pie down the alleyway.
A few hundred yards later, you encounter him and he's sitting there laughing slumped against another building.
Oh, I hoped you'd be back.
Meep, meep, meep, meep.
Well, here you go.
Here's your half of the pie.
I'm going to keep this half.
And he scoops up half of the pie into his own hands and then buries his face in it.
Meep, meep, meep, meep, meep.
You bury your face in your half of the pie?
Meep, meep, meep.
You do.
And you have no problem eating up half this pie.
Five years pass in the blink of an eye.
Although you never were able to return home or return to your family,
you believe you have found someone just as special.
Not another bumbler, but a human.
His name is Bill Haight.
And you and Bill have been riding together ever since the night of the pie robbery.
You and Bill have traveled all over the place, getting into trouble here and there,
pulling various jobs, staying below the law.
Bill's dad was a gunslinger, and he passed those skills on to him,
and he used them to deadly effect.
But as time wore on, yours and Bill's solitary lifestyle began to wear on you.
And one fateful day, as you were traveling through an entirely new stretch of woods to the both of you,
you overhear several voices coming from in front of you.
Meep, meep, meep, meep, meep, meep, meep, meep, meep, meep, meep.
Sure, you can sneak up. Give me a dextrack.
Meep.
Oh yeah, you do so easily.
Bill kneels down.
All right, girl, why don't you head over and check out what the situation is.
Let me know how many of them there are.
See if there's anything worth stealing around there.
Maybe we can sneak in at night and get it.
Meep, meep.
And you head off.
Quietly, you make your way through the woods,
being very careful not to snap any branches or rustle any leaves.
You make your way to the camp and you see several men sitting around a large campfire
and a woman tied to a post.
She's young and beautiful, but she looks beaten and abused.
The men sit around, passing harsh words to one another, telling vile tales of violence.
And you return back to Bill with the information.
Meep, meep, meep, meep, meep, meep, meep, meep, meep, meep, meep, meep, meep, meep.
All right.
Well, I don't know what they're doing, but that don't seem right.
Meep, meep.
We got to save that lady.
Meep, meep, meep.
Here's what we do. We're going to wait till dark.
I want you to jump on one of them and cause some chaos.
I know a move an old friend of mine taught me.
If we get any luck, we can dispatch most of them and then free that girl.
Meep.
The two of you remain hunkered down throughout the afternoon and wait until the evening when it's darkest.
And although they've kept their campfire up and are spreading a good amount of light,
it doesn't leave the confines of their camp that much.
The two of you sneak your way to the perimeter of their camp.
All right, Kroll, you jump on one of them, tear him up good, cause some chaos.
I'm going to come out and fan the clip. So stay down. Once you hear bullets start flying, stay low.
Okay.
Meep.
All right. Which one are you going to jump on?
Meep, meep.
Aiming for the leader. Sounds good. Make me a mundane weapon roll.
Meep.
You make your way around, identifying which one you believe to be the leader.
He's a large man and he's standing by the fire with his back to several trees.
Meep, meep, meep, meep, meep, meep, meep, meep, meep, meep, meep, meep.
Yeah. You're able to scuttle up on the trees quietly.
And you come out on a low branch over his head.
And within a moment, you jump, landing right on the man's head, scratching, biting, tearing at everything.
And the other six men jump up. And in the chaos, Bill jumps out of the bushes and fans the clip.
Hitting six out of the seven members, leaving only the one whose face you're attached to standing.
The lady tied to the post screams as all this transpires and she watches her six captors die all around her.
And the seventh one screech as his face is mercilessly attacked by this bumbler.
You retreat off the man's face just as you hear Bill's bullet whip crack.
And he grabs the man around the neck, giving him a rough tug and sending him a sprawling into the fire.
It's not enough to kill the man, but it is enough to set him ablaze.
And you watch as he runs flaming into the forest before collapsing a few meters off.
Who are you?
Don't worry. My name is Bill Haight. This here's Grohl.
We're just here to rescue you. We just thought these men were doing bad.
Oh, oh, oh my God. Please. Yes, please untie me.
Bill goes over and unties the lady with his hunting knife.
Thank you so much. How can I ever repay you?
There ain't no need for that. We were in the right place at the right time. That's all.
What's your name, darling?
My name's Katie Lancaster. These men killed my family and then took me captive. I've been with them for over a week.
I'm very sorry to hear that, Katie. You can come with us. I'll get you somewhere safe. I'll protect you all the way there.
Thank you. Thank you. You said your name was Bill?
Yes, ma'am. Bill Haight.
You're a bad man, Bill Haight. You're a bad, bad man. I've never seen anything like that.
Yeah, me and a buddy of mine were working on that for a while. It was something special.
I ain't done it in quite some time, so I'm surprised it worked, but I'm glad it did. I wouldn't have wanted to face down all seven guys by myself.
Oh, well, let's get out of here.
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I'm just going to search around and grab anything of use.
Meem, meem, meem, meem.
Yeah, there's definitely some food that you can find.
Meem, meem, meem.
Oh, you have like a belly roll?
Meep.
That you can store stuff in?
Meem, meem, meem.
All right, that sounds pretty cool.
Meep.
You, Bill, and your newfound companion, Katie, leave the gruesome campsite.
Bill's got an arm full of stuff, some treasures, a couple worn guns, just something to help generate some lead so that you and him can continue your travels.
Not sure where to bring Katie.
The three of you head back out of the woods. Five more years passes.
You, Katie, and Bill have now been riding together for the last five.
You and Bill have been together for 10 to 11 years now.
The three of you, the years have gained quite a bit of a reputation as gunslingers, most of the time on the right side of the law, something that's been lost among the profession.
However, it seems through companionship has gone from a low life to an upstanding man.
Katie Lancaster has grown into a fine woman, and the three of you have spent many late nights sharing stories and your hopes and dreams around a campfire.
Each night you curl up in Bill's bedroll, just like you did the first night after the two of you got pie, as he has become as much of your family as your real family ever was.
You're not sure if you'll ever see them again, but you're happy at the thought that you have a few people to call family still.
The three of you ride over the snowy plains past a house that looks like it was part of a gruesome attack.
Bill and Katie dismount, and a short while later they come back out.
There ain't nothing left in there.
That was a truly disturbing sight.
Yeah, they're one much good.
Look, there's some tracks leading off in this direction here.
They're quite little.
They're going the opposite direction as any of the horse prints.
Do you think somebody was left alive from there?
Meep, meep, meep, meep, meep, meep.
We should go looking for him.
Meep, meep, meep.
I think he's right, Bill.
These are little.
If this is a person, then they might be in danger.
Yeah, but we don't need another mouth to feed.
Meep, meep, meep, meep, meep, meep, meep.
All right, all right, all right.
You're right.
Look at how well the three of us have done.
If there's somebody in trouble, we should be the ones to take care of them.
Meep, meep.
That's right, Bill.
Let's do the right thing.
Anyways, couldn't have gotten very far.
Don't even look like they got shoes on.
All right.
And the three of you ride following the small footprints into the woods.
It's only a few hours ride before you see a scared small girl standing in your path.
Meep, meep, meep, meep.
Katie calls out.
Hey, darling.
You all right?
And the girl turns, holding up her scatter gun.
Meep, meep, meep, meep, meep.