Welcome to the Tales from the Crypt podcast. We are an actual play podcast featuring a
revolving cast of players making our way through micro RPGs, highly narrative tabletop games,
and the more popular and less known RPG systems from a wide variety of genres. Content may
not be suitable for children and content warnings can be found in the description. I'm Riley
Groves and I'll be your host, your guide, your GM on this episode of Tales from the Crypt.
We find a young Betty Bob Cocker, 11 years ago at the age of 15, sitting in her
kitchen table preparing breakfast for each of her several siblings. Betty Bob, being the oldest,
has been the most accustomed to seeing her mom bring a number of suitors through the house,
and this morning was no different. It had only been days after Daddy Hank, Daddy being a nickname
for any of your mother's suitors, had just left, and already your mom had a new suitor who came
out of her bedroom door in the morning making his way to your kitchen table. He's a big man,
but well built and well tailored. He wears pretty functional clothes and is dressed better than most
of your mother's suitors and is wearing more than the others when he emerges from the room.
He comes and sits at the table looking around for a pot of coffee. The rest of your siblings
run around not paying much attention to it, but this man draws your attention as he's the first
in a while that looks decent, looks kind. Finally he perks up. Excuse me miss, don't mean to bother
you. Any chance we got some coffee around here? Um, yeah I could probably scrounge some up.
If you got it I wouldn't mind making it. I'm pretty seasoned at it myself. I could show you how
possibly or you know I could just make it if no one else is interested in the cup. Your mother
seems to be sleeping pretty heavily back there so I don't want to wake her and I don't want to waste
her provisions. Yeah I guess I'll get the coffee the cups are in the cupboard. Alright thank you
and what's your name? Oh my name is Betty Bob. Betty Bob. Betty Bob Cocker yeah. Alright mind if
I call you BB it rolls off my tongue a little bit easier. Sure um what's your name? Well just so
happens that my name's Bill so I'm also a bee. Alright Bill pleasure. Yeah he squeezes chair
across the floor as he stands up and walks over helping himself to a pot and filling it with some
water and putting it on the stove and as he moves around the kitchen as you find some coffee for
him he gives off an air that he's not like the others. He's more dignified more respectful and
he continues to have conversations not just with you but your younger brothers and sisters.
After the coffee is made he retires back to your mother's chambers before leaving for the day.
It's days maybe even a couple weeks later when Bill finally returns riding solo on horseback.
He pulls into your mother's cabin he hitches his horse says hey there BB good to see you again.
How you been living? I've been doing alright um how you been? I've been alright myself. I did a
little bit of traveling and uh in my travels I found something I thought you might like. I saw you
whipping up breakfast for your siblings last time I was here in a town nearby when I was moving
through I actually picked up giant potta bouillabaisse. It's a fancy dish but I think
there's enough here to feed you and in your whole family. It's quite tasty I couldn't get enough of
it myself. Bouillabaisse? Yeah bouillabaisse. Bouillabaisse smells smells good what what is it?
It's kind of like a fish stew. Well that sounds exotic. Yeah maybe so but I think if we put our
mind to it we could probably scrounge up a recipe of our own. Wow um thank thank you.
Yeah you're welcome BB not a problem at all. Wow all right well welcome back.
Well thank you and Bill heads into the house several months go by of Bill coming and going
every few weeks every few days staying for short spurts at a time before going off on another
adventure and every time Bill brings you at least one bowl of bouillabaisse and begins to
gather a list of ingredients and one time he drops it off to you and says well BB I think I figured it
out. I traveled a bunch asked as many folks as I could that would give me some information and
here's a recipe. I think we could be able to make it ourselves now. That's that's pretty
pretty awesome Daddy Bill. That's one of the nicest things anyone's ever done for me.
Yeah I'll see what I can pull together and you know we'll get we'll get right on it that sounds
fun. All right that's what I'd like to hear maybe we'll have a good dinner tonight. Wow yeah thank
you. You're welcome BB and uh he heads inside over the course of the day you gather the ingredients
you go you do the fishing yourself in any of your by pond you forage what you can and you get the
ingredients together why don't you go ahead and give me a heart roll to see the quality of the
bouillabaisse that you make. All right you work away at creating a delicious bouillabaisse and as
you're crafting it and you're tasting it all throughout maybe there's a few things that you've
gotten wrong you know it's your real first foray into making exotic cuisine and you set it down
lovingly at the table and although you didn't get the recipe quite right Bad Bill Hate sits there
and you see his face contort a little bit with the first spoonful but he eats his bowl until it's
dry gets up helps himself to a second portion and eats the entire bowl but while he's sitting there
eating and your siblings are happily scarfing down anything that's put in front of them even
though your bouillabaisse doesn't taste like the one they're accustomed to it's still made lovingly
your mother on the other hand decides that it's not up to par. God damn it Betty Bob this shit
tastes like crap. I'm sorry you don't like it mama I was just trying real hard to make something
different and fun and and and I'll get it better next time. It's trash why'd you waste so much of
my provisions on this this garbage. I'm sorry mama I'm sorry. Sometimes I wonder why you
why are you even still here why haven't you gotten yourself out and got a man or done something with
your life. Mama I I I feel like I just I don't know. It's disgusting you're old enough now you
should be out there finding suitors for yourself like your mama. But ain't no one gonna take care
of these kids mama. I take care of them well I'm not a good mother is that what you're saying now?
Well they they just sometimes no mama you're not. Well fuck you then and she throws the soup at you
please make a dexterity throw for me. Your dex is 10 so let's drop that down to a you're more dexterous
I think as a kid so let's actually make your dex at 12. Okay. Right now 19 wouldn't matter. All right
and you take this bowl of soup directly onto the front of your shirt and it's still pretty hot
so it burns a little bit and bad Bill finally chimes in. God damn it Sue Bob you best knock
that shit off she did a good job here you're just being ungrateful. I did not what you you want to
fuck my daughter or something? God damn it Sue Bob why are you always saying shit like that why don't
you shut your goddamn mouth and get back in your hole. And with that Sue Bob storms off in a tirade
of curse words. I'm sorry BB this is a goddamn good booyah baes. I'd rather have this over the
one I get from the town any day. That's very very sweet of you daddy Bill but obviously my mama
didn't like it and she is the one who provided the provisions and I did I'm the one who messed it up
and and I'm sorry. Ain't nothing to apologize for BB. It's delicious. Your siblings are happily
eating this more than your mama can say she did so keep your chin up. Yeah but they'll eat
that old dog shit off of that cow they don't care. Kids what do you think of this booyah baes
and simultaneously all of them perk up and sing praises of the dish. See that? Don't worry about
your mama ain't nothing. Thank you Bill. A few months pass and Bill's visits become less and
less frequent and only about a year after bad Bill Haight had made his way into your life
you see him departing down the front path as you have so many of your mother's suitors with her
shouting obscenities at him as he rides away. Five years pass and Betty Bob is 21. Sue Bob has
another suitor this time Daddy Barnaby. He is a short man with a mostly bald hair and what hair
he does have is slicked over mostly from grease his body odor is ever prevalent. Over the past
five years you've watched your mother's suitors come and go and with each one that goes the next
one to replace has been crueler meaner and less respected. One night as you're sitting out in the
kitchen now watching over your siblings who've equally grown and several have actually left
but you have the youngest still sitting around you Daddy Barnaby comes out of Sue Bob's door
drunk as a skunk wearing only a long button-down shirt and his boots he makes his way over to the
table. Well hey there Betty Bob your mother's asleep. I was wondering if you'd like to you know maybe
have a little fun. I don't know what you mean Daddy Barnaby but I don't think so. I think you do.
Children why don't you head to bed and me and Betty Bob are gonna play a little game. Your siblings
look at you for an answer. Go upstairs kids. They push their seats from the table and they head
upstairs and it's just you and Daddy Barnaby. Well darling I knew you wanted to have a little
fun with me. No I didn't want to have fun with you Daddy Barnaby. I think it's probably best if you
just get on your way. It's the middle of the night where you expect me to go. Anywhere that's not here.
I thought we had an understanding here darling. You know your mother's not around to take care of me
but I don't see why I don't need to get taken care of though. What you and my mother do is your
business and I am not a part of it. You lay one finger on me Daddy Barnaby I'm not gonna tolerate
it. With that he smashes one of the plates that was sitting in front of your younger siblings
onto the floor. God damn it Betty Bob you're gonna give me what I want and he lunges for you. I try
to push him back like kick him away. For a short man he's pretty strong and he drives you into one
of the countertops. Can I uh look around is there any like struggling other any weapons or anything
or anything I could use to defend myself or? Absolutely nearby is one of the sharp kitchen
knives that you've kept up maintaining ever since Bad Bill Hate showed you the importance of having
a sharp knife. I go to grab the knife and go to stab him. Okay roll me a mundane weapon weapon
roll let's make it a d6. Okay it's five. You take the knife and you swing with all your force stabbing
Daddy Barnaby under the armpit. He lets out a shriek as he goes tumbling backwards into the
table nearby scattering the chairs and all the dishes off it. He reaches and pulls the knife out
of his armpit and when he does it erupts with blood. In a matter of minutes Daddy Barnaby's body
goes limp and he is no longer moving or breathing. Um Betty's wrought with panic and just looks
around and sees Barnaby's dead and sees her where her siblings are just sitting and
and realizes that she's going to get blamed and knows that it's just a just a really bad situation
overall and panics and grabs Barnaby's repeating rifle from the door stoop where it was laying and
runs out. Okay fleeing into the night with Daddy Barnaby's repeater and his lead you run and you
don't stop running for seemingly years as you make your way from town to town searching for anyone
that was kind to you like bad Bill Haight was but always coming up short always running into trouble
always trying to fight your way out of things relying heavily on your skills with a gun and you
live this way for two years before three years ago when you were in the town of Stansville.
Sitting at the bar when another man like so many had before comes up to you.
Well howdy darling what are you up to? Not interested. That's kind of a rude thing to say
you don't even know me you ain't even asked my own name. Yes like I said not interested.
You know what I ain't even got time for bitches like you and he slides down the bar and begins
to converse with some other men that he was talking to before he came over to you. As the
night passes on the trio get drunker and drunker you keep your wits about you enough but do get a
pretty good buzz and as you leave the bar you notice that the three of them get up from their
table and head towards the door as well. You get outside and round the corner around the saloon
to try to evade them when suddenly the three of them rush around the corner and go to grab you.
Definitely expecting it that he has a repeater ready and instead of going to fire it just grabs
it by the stock I mean by the barrel and one hand on the stock it says not interested and just tries
to bash the closest one in the face with the butt of her barrel I mean the butt of her gun
and then like marshal somehow into the other ones. Okay. Brawler way out of it. Give me another D6
roll. Four. Decent hit so you rock the first one who didn't happen to be the one that was harassing
you directly at the bar but one of his buddies and as soon as you push him and go barreling through
the one that had been interested you in you throughout the night grabs you from around the
waist. I'm gonna try to wrestle my way out of it and maybe like try to like stamp his foot and
elbow him in the side. All right give me two rolls. Two D6 rolls. Sure. Five and a four. Nice yeah so
you're able to break away from this guy causing him some pretty significant harm actually. His
friend lunges forward as you pull away and he rips your shirt and as you're able to make your way
away you run behind the saloon and you run to three more figures these three mounted.
Jessie Jane. Yeah. You're sitting on top of horse with Katie Lancaster and Bad Bill Haight
and from an alley next to a saloon that you were just headed to you see a woman being chased by
three men. She carries a gun however she hasn't shot it yet and as you watch her shirt gets ripped
as she continues to run down the alley in your direction. I'm gonna shout out to Bill. Bill we
gotta help this girl down here and I'm gonna ride off towards her. You don't have to ride she's right
there. Oh okay okay sorry. You're right there. I hop down and I shoot the guy. Roll me two D6 please.
Three. Oh a three is maximum damage actually. So go ahead and roll me a D8.
Four. So you do 12 points of damage overall and Betty Bob as you're running towards these three
suddenly a shotgun blast goes off and the guy that was just grabbing you is blown pretty much in half.
You run directly into the biggest of the horse and a voice says what's a matter BB? Bill? Betty
Bob what you doing out here? Who are these guys? Bill I don't know who they are but I've been trying
to find you forever. Well you found me darling and the other two guys from the bar Tucktail and Run.
Yes cowards run. Told you I wasn't interested. I had them Bill. I don't doubt it BB. Anyways who
you riding with? What you doing out here? I'm not riding with nobody. I'm just trying to get out here
and honestly just trying to find someone like you who's kind and nice and just cares. Well you came
to the right place. Lucky we found you. Why don't you saddle up there with Jesse Jane. What are we
gonna have mosey through this town find somewhere better? Sounds good Bill. Nice shot. Howdy BB.
Howdy Jesse uh nice shot. Thank you. And with that you ride away for the first evening of many
with The Order of the Mountain.
The Tales from the Crypt podcast is recorded in the Wolfbeard Game Studio in upstate New York.
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