Welcome to the Tales from the Crypt podcast. We are an actual play podcast featuring a
revolving cast of players making our way through micro RPGs, highly narrative tabletop games,
and the more popular and less known RPG systems from a wide variety of genres. Content may
not be suitable for children and content warnings can be found in the description. I'm Riley
Groves and I'll be your host, your guide, your GM on this episode of Tales from the Crypt.
Previously on Tales from the Crypt.
Bill and Severn take their places, standing back to back at first and pacing off 10 steps
before turning, facing each other down, hands at the ready, both hovering over their six shooters.
Time seems to pass by extremely slowly but suddenly they both reach for their guns.
Pulling them quickly you hear one shot followed immediately by another and then a third and you
see Severn collapse, only he doesn't fall backwards from a gunshot, he falls forward.
And out of a door from behind Severn, out of a door that seemed to have showed up from nowhere,
not attached to a building, just out in the open, you see three men step through, one of them dressed
in all dark clothing, holding two six shooters, and he begins firing immediately as two other people
make their way through. And as the three of you watch, you see Bill Haight take one shot,
then a second, and then a moment later with the stranger standing over top of it, he takes a third
at point blank range. After the man reaches down and grabs his gun and as quickly as he appeared,
he leaves through that same door.
Welcome back to Tales from the Crit. We're continuing our playthrough of Weed Deal in Dice
based on the Weed Deal and Lead RPG system. Returning to the table, I have John.
Well, hello.
Mikey.
Hi.
And Rebecca.
Hello.
Playing their characters, Betty Bob Cocker, Cal McCray, and Jesse Jane. Before we jump into
the episode, let's get to know each other a little bit better by answering a question from our pod
deck interview. And we'll get into the episode in a little bit more detail.
By answering a question from our pod deck interview deck. And the question is, if you had
to delete all but three episodes, nope, three apps from your smartphone, what three would you keep?
Hmm. I mean, like, okay, so.
Do the basic ones count? Like texting?
I would say, I would say definitely any basic phone function, meaning text message,
calling, voicemail, things like that, are staying on your phone.
Internet browsing, like the Safari app, if you have an iPhone or.
Photos?
Yeah, photos, that's an app. They're all apps.
Yeah. Okay. So anything your phone comes with, like stock and standard, isn't a third party.
Okay.
Application. Let's say that.
All right. Do we want to start the question over?
No, go for it. We'll give some parameters to the crowd here.
Powers of editing too.
Yeah.
You could just cut it all out.
Yeah, it really doesn't matter.
I think I would do, I would definitely have to keep YouTube. YouTube's.
Same.
Definitely, definitely has to be there for me. Other than that, the only other apps I really use
are Instagram, and that's a lot of the time just for business purposes. And I probably
would have to keep probably Twitch.
Okay.
Probably Twitch.
Right on.
I enjoy watching nerds have fun and get paid for it.
Nice. Solid.
Yeah, I'd probably say the exact same except instead of Twitch, I'd have to say Discord
just for being able to talk to everybody for game night and podcast stuff. And it's just
like, it's way better than a group chat.
Yeah. Yeah, I agree.
My answer is so much more boring. I'm going to keep my Google app.
No, you got Google.
No, I don't like Safari.
Okay.
It comes with Safari. I don't like Safari. I use the Google app. Also IMDB. And I'm probably
obligated to keep my banking app. So I, you know, know how much money I don't have.
No, it's a mystery. Swipe it till it don't swipe no more.
Yeah, I was going to say banking app, Discord and Instagram. Reason I'm not doing YouTube.
I don't have YouTube on my phone now. I just go into the browser and type in YouTube and
then look up a video there.
Wow. You think you know someone.
Okay. So does the app play videos if it's closed?
No, see, that's the thing. I was just about to say.
So like if it doesn't play videos when the app is closed, it doesn't play videos when
my phone's closed. There's no reason to have the app. I'll just say it.
There's no reason to have the app. I'll just find it.
Yeah, I have the app.
You just literally exposed the loophole we've all been trying to avoid them finding out
about for years now.
It's pretty, yeah, pretty annoying. So those are, those would be my three.
Well, let's roll into the episode. Bad Bill Haight lies dead in the decrepit town of Swampwater.
Roll, his trusted companion, remains curled up on his chest, letting out the occasional
whimper as his body slowly submerges into the swamp. The oil derrick continues to grind
and spit a burst of flames sporadically into the afternoon sun as a pair of buzzards begin
to circle overhead. The three of you surround Bad Bill Haight's body.
I can't believe this is real. He was, he was, he was like perfect. He was the best,
he was the strongest, best gunslinger we knew. I don't understand.
Jesse's gonna go find a shovel.
Okay. Where does Jesse look?
There was a shed like out back or something of the bar, as I recall.
Okay. I mean, there was just the back entrance to the bar that was like a storage entrance.
But you can go search there, sure.
Okay. Yeah. I'm going to look around for where a shovel would be.
Okay. Do you go through the slune or do you go around the back?
Around the back.
Okay.
You take the same route that you and Cal took when you originally got to Swampwater
and you head to the back of the storage shed and sitting in one of the corners is the rusted shovel.
All right. I'm going to grab it and go start to dig a hole in a nice location.
As you make your way out into the swamp to begin to start digging a hole, you realize that that's
next to impossible. Every time you dig the shovel in,
the hole that you've just made fills with swamp water.
Okay. Jesse is going to burst into tears out of frustration and grief.
Okay. Please burst into tears, please.
Betty's definitely going to console Jesse and go over to her and be like,
ain't nothing we could have done. We did our best. I've never seen power like that.
I've never seen anything like that.
That was unimaginably the most insane thing I've ever seen.
I've never seen anyone faster than Bill with a gun.
Nor I.
And that's another thing. They took that. They took his gun.
I saw that. That man. He looked unearthly.
And Severance said something about it too.
He took Severance's gun too.
It's weird that he took both of them and it's like he didn't care about them.
He didn't care about them. He just wanted their guns.
But they just got in the way.
I don't want to know what to do. I believe...
We can't just leave them here.
Well, I can't dig this god dang hole. I don't know what to do about the fucking hole.
We can't let the buzzards get them.
Callie or Brawny?
I can carry them.
Yeah, I think that we need to get them out of here.
But...
Betty's gonna just glance around and see is there any remnants of the people who attacked?
Is there any sign that they were even there?
Or did the portal leave any type of mark or anything?
Searching where you remember the door to have appeared and disappeared,
you discovered no markings. There's no trace, no remnant of it,
other than Severance's half-submerged body, which is only a few feet in front of where the door
materialized. The only other things that you can find as evidence are spent shell casings
and the remains of the clothing of the Grey Ken that you both dispatched.
Did he leave tracks? Did he leave any boot print or anything?
Nothing is leaving tracks in this swamp. Remember, the swamp is really pretty deep.
It's waist deep at parts.
So we're not near a building or anything? We're in a swamp?
You're pretty much in a swamp. The few buildings that were in swamp water were the saloon,
the stilted shack, and a couple of other really decrepit, lapidated buildings that you can
visually intuit that there isn't the capability of anything happening in them.
Betty's definitely going to try to find one of the shell casings from Bill's gun.
And definitely going to hold on to that and tie it in her hair.
You guys have seen plenty of shells from his gun before and you're able to fish one out
of the swamp near his body.
All right, well I guess we should get him out of here and try to figure out what the
hell is going on.
We know that his gun was special, right?
Correct.
Yeah, they wanted that gun. Now they have it.
They only know what they want to do with it. It can't be good.
Yeah, well now they pissed us off, so that can't be good for them either.
Not at all.
That man was like a mentor to me. I will stop at nothing to avenge his death.
He was like a father to me. All of us, I think.
Yep, me too. He's been like my daddy since I was nine.
So we are agreed that we are keeping up the order that Bill started us on.
Oh, 100 percent. This red right hand, so called, whoever, definitely just made my list.
Well, I'm of the same school of thought as Bill Haight, that an order needs a leader.
And I feel like we must think about which of us shall lead this new order.
That is a big consideration.
I'm not saying we have to figure it out now. Maybe we'll talk about it when we set camp or something.
Yeah, I feel like right now we just need to get Bill out of here.
We've got to get out of here and gather our wits.
Yeah, let's take care of this body and figure out what we're doing.
I agree.
So what do you do with the body?
I carry him. I throw him. Do we have a plan?
Do we have, is there anything around to, we could probably wrap him in a little bit?
Maybe something to, just for the sake of dignity?
You remember that there were some really shitty tablecloths inside the bar on a few of their old tables.
I was going to have to do.
You're able to put several of them together to make a proper cover.
I will carry him up and out.
Okay.
And then we all sing a really terrible version of Amazing Grace.
And it sounds bad.
Okay.
Amazing Grace.
Poor girl.
Girl stays a few feet away from everybody else.
Now, girl follows you guys very closely at this point, as he was always Bill's right-hand man for as long as all three of you can remember.
And as you carry Bill's wrapped body out of the swamp, several of his bullet holes continue to leak and your shoulder eventually gets covered.
Your waxed duster gets covered and Bill hates blood.
But this doesn't stop you, the three of you, from making your way out of the swamp water.
As you walk into the evening, the sun begins to set as you finally make your way out of the swamp entirely and onto some firm land, some firm ground.
I mean, I think we're out of the worst of it and it's getting dark.
It probably wouldn't be a bad idea to just maybe try to bury him here and make a camp or something.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
We should do it before it gets too dark.
Yeah.
I brought the shovel.
Excellent. Excellent. We might need it.
We'll take turns.
Are there any stones around?
Plenty.
Yeah, we'll build like a... I say we'll dig a small ditch and then we'll pile some stones on them and make them a proper can.
He always wanted to be buried in a ditch.
Don't we all. It's the life we lead.
So yeah, I think we all just take turns digging the hole.
Okay. After it being a short ditch, we'll say not too long, not even several hours later, you guys get the hole,
the size that you need for Bad Bill Haight, who in certain towns is referred to as Big Bill Haight because he is quite the monster of a man.
As evening sets into night, you guys finally get Bill's body into the ground and covered properly with rocks.
Well, Bill, it's been a hell of a ride, buddy. I can't thank you enough and just know that we're gonna get these bastards.
We're gonna get them, Bill.
Every last one of them.
We're gonna make them pay.
Yeah, I think at that point, Betty just starts trying to make a fire.
She's got a lantern and oil, so that's probably been up a little bit, lighting a little bit and then make a fire and just quietly just get ready to bed down, not really talking to the rest of the group, just being by yourself.
Okay. Yeah. And as the three of you set up camp, it doesn't take much.
You have a lantern and oil, so starting a fire isn't really a taxing job.
I believe Betty Bob's the only one with a bedroll.
I do have a bedroll, yeah, and I'm also chain smoking the entire time.
Nice. Yeah, Grohl curls up next to Bill Haight's burial mound and Cal and Jesse will unfortunately have to rough it out on the ground.
How big is Grohl?
I would say Grohl's probably between probably about 35 pounds.
Okay, so I'm not gonna scoop him up.
He's from interactions in the past, you know, he's not really the most pick upable raccoon dog.
By the way, my sister yesterday sent me a video of a raccoon dog, which is a real animal.
I said that.
I didn't realize until I saw that.
I wasn't being facetious.
Yeah, I didn't know that that was real.
They use him for fur.
Yeah, I can see why. They're very fuzzy and very cool.
Yeah, they don't treat him very well.
That's unfortunate.
It's tragic.
Grohl is treated very well.
Of course he is.
So does anybody want to do anything else before you slip into sleep?
No, I'm just gonna scratch Grohl.
Okay, Betty is still trying to process just everything that just happened and probably is trying to figure out what like just what.
What?
Like what's going on?
And Cal?
Yeah, Cal's doing pretty much the same.
He's just kind of trying to gather his thoughts, but meanwhile he's just kind of standing vigil sort of over everybody.
Just taking it all in.
Just like what the hell?
Also, I'm gonna throw in there retroactively.
Can we check Bill over for anything?
See if he had anything on his body.
Oh yeah.
Loot the corpse.
No, not loot.
Just be like, you know, you don't want to bury him with everything.
You know, you want to, if he had like, you know, leds, maybe I could lead on him or anything like that.
I was wondering if I maybe took his bullwhip and now we all have the bullwhip.
We all have bullwhips.
Like the guy at the Ren fair, the song.
Jack the Whipper?
Yeah.
I fucking love his videos.
Searching Bill's body before you throw him in the grave, you did find that he has some coffee that he made for each of you every morning.
Oh God.
You find a set of caltrops, some chalk, and his bandana that he often used when you guys had some less than savory dealings going on.
Oh, like, oh, not like he used it to...
Okay.
No, God.
Not that kind of handkerchief.
It's not a sock.
Yeah.
No, I meant more like for wiping purposes.
Oh.
Like, you said I didn't...
Yeah, sorry.
No.
He's got a bandana covered in shit.
It's a shit rag.
Yeah, it's his Bomber Club mouth.
Okay, no, I meant more when you guys dip below the line and perhaps do more harm than helping of...
As a mask.
Yes.
Yeah, I think we just, I'd lay all those items out in front of everybody and be like, this is all he really has left and I feel like we just need to keep it close.
It's like to have a part of him around, you know?
Betty, do you mind if I keep that bandana?
No, it's yours.
We killed a lot of men with him wearing this bandana.
It means a lot.
I wouldn't mind the coffee if that's okay with you.
I could take over.
I think you should be the one to make the coffee.
Yeah.
You do make the second best coffee in this crew.
It's because I use a shit rag.
Oh, that's that fancy stuff.
Double filtration.
The rank of the sock, the suite of the coffee.
It's true.
What else do they have?
Caltrops and chalk?
Yes.
What the hell are caltrops?
Like things you drop behind you and people step on them and hurt themselves.
It's like the jacks.
Yeah, it's like that.
But they're pointy and dangerous.
I'll take the caltrops.
I'll eat the chalk.
We did not bring any food on this trip.
Yes, we did.
We had three days rations.
With that, as you guys are divvying up what was left of Bill's possessions,
Grohl comes over to the center of the fire and kind of from a fold in his belly skin,
he pulls out six lead as well and holds them towards the fire.
Oh, Grohl, have you been holding on to Bill's bullets?
What a clever dog.
That's amazing.
Those are extremely hard to come by.
You got pockets?
I think he's got folds.
He's pretty roly-poly.
We should feed him a little less, I think.
Never.
Give him the chalk, it's filling.
He's my chunky friend.
What are you doing?
I guess he does collect bullets.
I go over to him and I say, don't worry about that.
We're not going to feed you any less.
So that's a total of six lead, you said?
Yes.
Two each?
Two each.
So we add two lead?
Yeah.
And that's permanent, right?
Or no, that's just lead goes away as lead goes away?
Lead goes away as lead goes away.
Okay.
But it's per round, not per shot.
Yes.
So how many lead did you have?
I had eight written down, but I think that's what I started with, but I definitely shot
my gun and reloaded it.
Okay.
So then you should have seven lead.
Okay.
Now you should have nine lead.
Now I should have nine.
Okay.
So then you reload, you take one lead away.
Right.
But it doesn't, like, it's not like you get it all back after a long rest.
Like it's just, that's what you have.
Correct.
That's it.
Okay.
That's it.
And it's also used as currency in this game.
You can also barter, but it is the most valuable thing.
Right.
So it's not like, yeah, because you can't deal lead for lead.
Right.
Awesome.
Yeah.
I think we're just turning in for the night.
Okay.
And Cal, you said you are staying up for a while?
Yeah.
I'll take watch.
Cal, as you stand by the fire, overlooking your last remaining friends, Jesse and Betty
Bob and Grohl, you become transfixed staring at the center of the fire.
And the longer you stare, the more your mind wanders.
When suddenly you're standing outside of a town and it's a town that you know.
In fact, it's the town of Riptide, your one-time home, and where you first encountered bad
Bill Haight and the other members of the Order of the Mount.
It's a place you haven't been back to since.
And as you stand outside the town, you notice that it is devoid of any activity, no movement
of man or beast.
But as you begin to move towards the town, Bill's voice begins to echo.
Death is just another door.
And as you move through the dark town, seeing nothing but cold and dark houses, Bill's
voice is replaced with another sound, and it's the sound of a wrapping hammer.
You continue to pass shops and houses that you once knew, that now stand empty, dark
and cold, until you reach one small shop in the middle of the town, whose windows emit
a bright light, which attracts you towards it.
And as you grow ever closer, the sound of the hammer intensifies.
You open the door slowly, and standing over a workbench is a portly man in a worn leather
apron.
And as you stand in the doorway, the man ceases his work and looks up over his spectacles,
and says, come in, come in.
And he beckons you forth, and suddenly you find yourself in the center of the shop, flanked
by Jesse Jane and Betty Bob Cocker.
Bill said y'all would be coming by eventually, said you'd be looking for this.
And the man holds up an ornate six-shooter that gleams with a magnificent light, and
as he holds it out, all three of you slowly extend a hand to touch the pristine weapon.
And as your fingers feel the fine steel, you are suddenly, alone, once more, standing in
the darkness of a void, with only a red door emitting a faint light standing in front of
you.
You hear Bad Bill's voice one more time, death is just another door.
As you take one step closer to it, suddenly you are rocked, standing back again in front
of the fire, overlooking your friends.
Your hand is holding only what you were holding before.
Your penis.
Jesse Jane.
As you toss and turn, uneasily, through the night, Bill's last words haunt every dream
that you have.
Many of you don't remember, death is just another door.
As you stand in the darkness of the desert night, several vultures circling far off guide
you to a large basin, nestled in a quiet desert.
At first it seems the vultures were circling your childhood homestead, a place you said
you'd never return to, but as you get closer, the vultures narrow their circle over a single
tree, one you never paid much attention to as a child, as it was already dead when you
were young.
Death is just another door.
As you move closer and run your hands down the tree's smooth, glowing bark, you hear
the cries of the vultures replace Bill's last words.
When you look up, the sky is now replaced with hundreds of vultures circling the moonlit
basin.
You follow their paths as they begin to dive down, several at a time, landing on the desert
floor, pecking, pecking, pecking, as the ground begins to bubble up, and decaying hands and
heads burst from the sand.
The birds continue to peck at their prey, tearing pieces of flesh from the rising corpses.
Suddenly, a hand reaches and grabs you from behind.
As you spin, you see the decaying face of a long-sworn enemy, and it's the last image
you see before it all fades away and you are left alone, standing in the darkness of the
void, with only a single red door in front of you.
With each measured step, you move closer and closer, and as you reach for the door's handle,
Bill's voice returns, Death is just another door, darlin'.
And suddenly, you awaken with a scream.
Holy shit.
I'm gonna...
Oh, I'd say I'm getting fresh air, but I don't have a tent, so...
You are always getting fresh air.
I am always getting the fresh air.
Is Cal still up?
Or Betty Bob?
Or anybody?
Yeah, you too?
I just had the worst dream.
I had one too, and I wasn't even need to be asleep for it.
Oh, okay.
What is it about Bill, I'm assuming?
Death is just another door.
That's what he said to me too.
Scary.
And I look over at Betty Bob.
When you look over at Betty Bob, you see her and Grohl twitching in her bedroll.
Because the dread of the evening made it difficult for Betty Bob to fall asleep, but finally
after what seemed like an eternity of tossing and turning, Grohl climbed into your bedroll.
A rare occurrence, as he typically shared accommodations with Bill.
The comfort of the creature helped to calm your nerves from the evening and pass you
into sleep, where you see Bill's face and hear his final words pounding through your
subconscious.
Death is just another door.
As you pass into the dream world, Bill's words slowly morph from...
Death is just another door.
Into the sounds of a steam engine, you and Grohl are perched on the front of the train
as it glides gracefully through the morning, before moving into the midday sun, which pounds
hot on your skin.
But then as quickly as it became midday, it melts into evening.
With every passing moment, the train slows and begins to rust away.
Its wheels whine along the tracks and its gears grind as the train barrels into the
night.
But finally, the train exhales its last boom of steam before grinding to a halt in front
of a large hill, jutting out of the moonlit desert.
The hill has a long abandoned mine entrance dug into its stalwart face.
And as you move from the train, you notice a dozen oil derricks that at first were toiling
away smoothly.
But as you begin to move towards the mine, they begin to age and grind and whine before
finally becoming too rusted to continue their work.
As you continue to walk, you follow a worn trail to the mine's entrance and begin to
wander into the substantial dark.
Occasionally you hear Bill's voice.
Death is just another door.
Intermittently mingled with a growling noise and a familiar rusted grinding, at last after
seemingly walking for hours on a table lit by a lantern at the end of the path lays a
piece of blue-gray iron shining in the light of the lantern.
You move to touch it, and as your fingers meet the cold metal you find yourself standing
in the darkness of the void, alone except for a single red door in front of you.
Bill's voice booms.
Death is just another door.
And it prods you closer to the door.
As you walk, the path you're on starts to accumulate a layer of snow that's falling
in the dark void.
You reach for the door, smoothly swinging it open.
Standing in front of you in a small shack filled with dozens upon dozens of guns is
the red right hand, the stranger who took Bill's life.
He turns with two guns drawn.
As two shots ring out, he whispers, too slow.
And you fall back through the void and awake with a shock.
What in the hell?
Whoa.
Weird.
Groh, what are you doing in here?
Get out of my bedroll.
What is...
That was the weirdest thing ever.
I just had the craziest dream.
It felt so real.
I saw...
Did you see the red door?
Yeah.
What do you mean?
You guys had...
I saw it too.
We both saw similar things.
So you saw who was after the door.
I didn't get to make it through the door.
You didn't make it through...
Cal?
I woke up.
It was the red right hand and the room was full of guns.
And the red right hand was there and he had two guns on me and he shot.
Said too slow, but you heard Bill's voice.
Oh, I heard Bill.
Death is just another door.
This door is something that was...
We had the same dream.
Do you think Bill's talking to us?
Something somewhere.
We got to find this door.
Or a door.
Where was your door?
It was just a black void.
I don't...
I saw a town that I knew and there was a blacksmith working and it looked like he was making
a pistol.
It was a magnificent piece of iron.
And it looked like... did it look like Bill's gun or was it super fancy?
It was similar to Bill's gun, but it was not an exact replica of his gun.
Making one of the finest firearms I've ever seen.
We were all there together and it was like we were all reaching for it together.
It was weird.
It was like three arms reaching out.
You know this town?
I remember it vaguely.
Town called Riptide.
But it was strange.
I knew it to have people there.
In my vision it was barren.
Lifeless.
It seems like a good enough place to start.
Yeah, I mean the only thing I had in mind was a train and a hill with snow and then
all of a sudden I was there in front of the door.
It didn't really seem... did it seem familiar to me at all?
No, yours did not seem familiar to you in any way.
Yeah it was not familiar at all.
I'd never seen the place.
I didn't recognize the train or the room that the red right hand was in at all.
Yeah I think maybe...
Jessie, what did you see?
Oh, I saw my childhood home.
We don't have to go back there.
I don't want to go back there.
So I think we should start with this town.
Alright, but I mean...
In my dream the blacksmith said that Bill said that he said we would be coming by.
As if Bill left notice that we would be there.
I think it's a good place to start.
From beyond the grave.
I don't know exactly what just happened to the three of us but...
I mean we have two places that we know of that we could go and you know if one doesn't
pan out we try the other but yeah.
I say let's try to figure something out.
This right hand is planning something.
It doesn't really even matter what he's planning.
I just want to pop him for doing bail but this is big.
Well I say we depart here with utmost haste.
And I go over to the little Karen for Bill and say we're going to go get him, Bill.
Yeah I'm going to make some coffee for everybody and you know have my first cup, light up a
cigarette and woke the dragon.
I'll be right back.
Go you know and come back.
Sipping my coffee every damn time.
Come back and gather my things and say goodbye to Bill.
Say I'll come back and let you know when the job's done, Bill.
Y'all should we decide who we want to be the leader before we head out this morning?
Honestly I feel and you know no offense but you're a little young to be in contention
for this and...
Yeah I don't really want to lead.
I just want to kill so I might not be the best for the job.
And me personally I think that my place is better suited not in a leadership role and
I must say Betty you just you seem the most like Bill in a strange way, a personal way.
Yeah I think it should be you too Betty.
I think you have my vote and I think that settles it.
I mean I did make the coffee.
Well that is what the leader does.
That's what Bill did.
I never done it.
I just assumed that this was more of a formality.
Well I don't really have much of practice being a leader but I can do my best.
I believe you will.
That means a lot guys thank you.
And with the two of us here to help you out there's no way you can fail at leadership
because we're...
We're good followers.
Yeah we're right here with you.
Yeah thanks guys.
I think this is probably how Bill would have liked to seen it go.
I think so too.
You know minus him being brutally murdered.
Yeah he would have liked to see this I think but you know he never would have retired anyway.
Of course not how Bill retired.
This is the closest that he's going to get to retire.
He said he'd stop when he died.
Yeah he did.
People in our line of work rarely get to retire the way they want to.
I'm pretty sure we're all destined to die with our boots on I'm afraid.
Well I guess we need to also think of a new name for our order.
I mean that kind of died with Bill.
Any ideas on that?
I defer to our leader.
We'll circle back to him.
Okay we're going to circle back.
We'll discuss along the way.
Yeah next time we make camp.
Rainstorming meeting and power points and all those things.
What's a power point?
Powerfully pointing I understand now.
Betty you're good at that.
I am.
I have that magic paper clip that really helps me out.
I mean we're doing it for Bill about the order of hate.
I like the order of hate.
Well spelled like Bill had his last name with like a A-I-T.
It was spelled different than like the emotion of hate.
I'm all about that if that's.
It's got a bit of a ring to it.
If that's okay with the powers that be.
You are the leader.
I was just proposing an idea.
I'm the leader but there are powers that be.
You see a early morning cloud float by and as you look at it it looks just like a thumbs
up.
Oh look that cloud looks like a seat.
I believe it's a sign from on high that we have chosen a proper name.
The hate.
The order of hate.
The hateful eight.
Well the hateful bunch.
The hateful bunch.
Trio of hate.
The hate triangle.
The riders of hate.
It'll workshop that.
The hate amigos.
Trace H's.
The morning sets in as you guys finish your coffee and finish your conversations.
Cal you know that the town of Riptide actually isn't too far.
In fact you only have to make it through a patch of wildwood to get there.
Unless you spend days and days going around.
You've been through the woods before under Bill's guidance.
So Cal you know of this place Riptide and any chance you can lead the way?
Absolutely.
Follow me.
Did we have horses when we rode in on this thing?
Didn't we?
Were we on top of the hill on?
No.
So we're huffing it.
Everybody needs to subtract one day's of rations from their inventory.
So you should have two days.
Two rations.
Yep.
Cal you take the lead.
Heading towards where you know the wildwood to be.
It isn't without its perils.
Which you guys have run into various beasts making your way through.
And as the morning creeps into midday you guys finally make your way to the edge of
the wildwood.
And as you begin to enter the bright sun begins to dim as the darkness of the forest sets
in.
These are some thick woods.
This is dark in here.
Just look around see what I see.
I try to keep finding the path.
I'm gonna light up the lantern.
Yeah.
And oil.
I got a torch.
Yeah I'll light my torch and keep leading.
Okay.
You guys make enough light to make out where you're going.
Although as far as the path through there's no real established roads.
You're kind of guessing if you're headed in the right direction.
And as you are moving through after a few hours you guys come across a old wooden Vardo
which is a gypsy caravan.
I shoot it.
Gypsies.
Sorry.
Through the darkness you can see that this Vardo is lit up both inside and outside by
lanterns and as you get closer you see that its two wheels in the back are broken and
it is sunken slightly into the mud.
You can see plumes of smoke coming out of the top of it from a small chimney and as
you get closer you smell herbs and spices.
I don't trust it.
Yeah.
Now I'm hungry.
Keep quiet.
I don't think it's moving anyway.
They're obviously stuck.
Let's just approach it quietly.
Should we offer to help?
See if they need help mending their wheels?
If they're nice.
Well, after you.
I guess it's up to me now.
Yeah, Betty's going to quietly as she can approach the outside of the caravan without trying
to let the other person know the presence is there and just kind of like listen in and
see if you can hear anything or.
Okay.
Give me a dexterity check.
Ooh, rolling some dice rolling some dice.
Wow.
Been a while.
That's what we were doing.
What do I roll?
Tell them stories.
You're going to roll a D 20 and your objective here is to roll a score lower than your dexterity
score.
Lower than a 10.
Nine.
Yes.
You're able to sneak up very close to the Vardo and as you make your way, you pick your
placement of your feet very carefully and you creep up to the edge.
You're able to hear a older high pitched woman's voice coming from inside and she's singing
a sort of ballad.
Your nose fills with the scent of baked goods.
Yeah, it seems perfect.
Little too perfect.
Suddenly from above you, one of the windows swings open and a pie is set on the ledge of
the window above you.
I'm going to lean over to Cal because I think we're still pretty far back.
I think it's a witch.
It seems a bit peculiar.
Is this some mighty fine food here?
These woods are quite wild.
I try to make eye contact with them and I'm like, pie.
We're like, no.
However when you guys are like, no, but Grol sees pie, you forget that one of Grol's favorite
foods is in fact a blueberry pie.
Is this pie a blueberry pie?
Give me one big sniff.
Oh, it's blueberry.
Oh no, son of a bitch.
And from between the two of you, Jesse and Cal.
Can I roll to try to catch him?
Yes, roll a strength roll for me as he is actively trying to scramble past the two of
you.
D20?
D20 and you want to get lower than your strength score.
But what if mine says nine out of 11?
Oh, that's because you were probably hurt in the-
Oh, did I do rest?
I didn't really rest.
I slept like shit.
Yeah, no, you slept like shit.
So lower than a nine then?
Actually, no, you can recover that.
You can recover pretty quickly actually.
Okay.
Oh yeah, I rolled a four.
All right, you're able to hold on to Grol.
His claws are digging into you and he begins to try to meep and make whatever noises he
makes when he sees pies, which is like very excited.
And he's trying to really pull his way out of your arms and make his way to this Varda,
but you are able to hold on to him.
I hope.
Okay.
Did this person see me when they put the pie out of the window?
So I'm still there.
You're still there.
In a precarious position, will the window open above you?
What is love?
Baby, don't hurt me.
Don't hurt me.
I kind of just motion to the other group like, what am I going to do?
Like I did.
All right.
Betty pops up with her repeater rifle.
It's like, don't do anything weird.
Points at the old woman.
Okay.
So you come up and look into the window, you see a approximately four foot tall, very elderly
woman.
And as you pop up, she shrieks and trips over a little staircase that leads up to her bed
platform and goes, ah, I've fallen.
I can't get up.
We should go.
Let's go over there.
Yeah.
I feel, I feel a little bad.
So I'm going to say, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to, I just been through a lot.
I didn't mean to scare you.
And also you're just putting pies out, which is weird.
Ah, the pies for me.
That makes sense.
I'm terribly sorry.
Can I try to help her up?
Oh yeah.
So you go inside the Varta.
Yeah.
Is it, can I, is there another way to get in besides the window?
Yeah.
There's a door on the back that you can, you can run into.
Yeah.
I'll try to run in.
You run in the back of the Varta and you're able to help the old woman up.
However she is like actively bracing her back with both hands and she's like, what is wrong
with you scaring old ladies like that?
It's like I said, we've just been through a lot.
I apologize.
I didn't know what you were up to.
It's just seemed weird to me that you're in the middle of nowhere broken down and seem
happy enough to just make a pie.
Well, of course I'm happy.
I've only been broken down here a little bit.
Somebody's going to come back and get me.
So you're not alone?
Well, I mean, I am.
And the fact that I've been here for about 15 years waiting for them to come back and
get me, but I'm not as I was part of a group once.
I feel like I haven't been very formal and I apologize.
My name's Betty.
What is your name?
Oh, my name's Patricia.
Well, hello, Patricia.
You keep saying we two, but I only see you.
That's for me to know and you to maybe find out about.
And the two of you I assume are at the Varta by this point?
Yeah.
Out of sight still.
Okay.
So I'm making my way over there.
Making your way where?
Over to the Varta.
Downtown.
Okay.
So you're coming over.
So Patricia looks at you or continues her conversation with you.
Betty Bob.
That's a really weird answer.
I don't really like that.
You guys are all popping up, scaring old people.
Yeah.
Well, it really wasn't my intent.
I've been scared a lot recently and, you know, scared people do scary things.
That's true.
I'm wearing a t-shirt.
Would some pie help?
I'm not.
I mean, it smells delicious, but I, you know, they write a lot of stories about taking pie
from strange old ladies in the woods.
Oh, yeah.
I have a lot of those books.
I never got around to reading them.
Okay.
And she cuts a slice of pie for herself and says, can you help me onto the bed quickly?
Just like, give me the old heave ho up onto it.
My back's a little tender at the moment.
I'm fine in bed, this lady's fucking nice.
Yeah, I'd give her a little boost.
And she sits on the edge of her bed eating her pie.
So what are you doing out here in the wild wood?
We are making our way through to the city of Riptide, town of Riptide.
Oh, I was headed there once.
Is that where you were headed when you broke down?
Maybe.
It's hard to remember at this point.
Yeah, you said it was 15 years ago and you're still waiting for someone?
Well, as you can see, I don't have a horse and my wagon wheels are broken.
So it's been a little hard to keep going.
I'm not the most capable to make it through the woods here.
I mean, the out the woods is like right back there.
Like, well, I know how to get out into the woods.
I don't know how to get out of the woods.
Well, I mean, scoop me another piece of pie.
Okay, cut her a piece of pie.
Cal, at this point, I'm sure you are at the Vardo.
You go in.
I just want to see the little lady's reaction of a fucking tall, coat clad, friggin gunslinger
looking guy.
Oh, Jesus, two of you in the same day?
Darling, are you with him?
Yes.
You have nothing to worry about.
You could do much better.
I'm not with him.
It's not his fault.
God blesses some people.
Is everything all right, baby?
Yes, this old woman had a misunderstanding and thought, you know.
This young lady burst out of nowhere, aimed a gun at me and scared me over a box and now
my back is shattered in pieces.
Which I'm sure she is eternally apologetic for, ma'am, but we are concerned that you
are a deceiver and a distraction.
I'm very sorry we will be on our way.
Well, you could help me with something, maybe.
Are there more of you?
I'm sure Grohl is drooling and like you're covered in animal spit.
I imagine he's trying to scramble out of my arms still for the pie.
Oh yes, especially when he sees that somebody is eating the pie.
Here was my plan with staying out of sight.
Grohl's scrambling in my arms, so if shit goes bad, I'm gonna let him loose on this
pie and he'll cause a distraction.
And then you guys could get out of there when we find out she's a fucking witch.
Because I've also decided Jesse is superstitious.
Mmm, okay.
Well big guy, would you like any pie?
It's fresh baked.
It's blueberry.
We have just had our rations, ma'am.
I couldn't possibly.
I have never met so many folks that don't want some blueberry pie.
Anyways, can you get me another slice of pie?
That's the third.
How many slices of pie can you eat?
I have been here for fifteen years.
I can eat as much pie as I would like to eat.
How do you even have enough supplies to make this much pie for fifteen years?
How do you get?
Well I'm resourceful.
You certainly are, ma'am.
Is there any way I can do like insight checks of this in this game?
Is there a detective bullshit roll I can make?
What is this bitch's problem?
How's she got white teeth and been eating blueberry pie for fifteen fucking years?
I mean the only things it really says is brawn, prowess, resistance, agility, sneaking, reflexes,
resolve, charm, and force of will.
So I guess you could try to roll a heart.
Yeah, does she seem genuine or is she just?
High on pie.
Alright, rolling lower than an eleven.
Nope.
Sixteen.
You are unfortunately not able to get a read on her.
You're still as suspicious as you were when you aimed the gun at her the first time.
Man, that pie looks good though.
Oh it is.
It is.
I said that in my head.
You heard that in your head.
Oh this pie is very good I mean.
I'm surprised.
I'm probably going to eat half of it before I put the other half away.
Well you're putting the first half away pretty quick.
You're funny for a big guy.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
So you two are making your way through the wildwood.
Would you say on a scale of competence, you know what you had a gun so that's pretty good.
That's better than a lot of people that have come through here.
Maybe I could request something of the two of you.
Let's usually come with some kind of reward and we're also in a little bit of a hurry.
Well it probably wouldn't take any competent people too long to accomplish.
See back when I was traveling through I lost a suitcase that I could really use back.
And I would be happy to give you anything that it was in my reason to give you if you
bring it back to me.
There's some stuff from my husband in there that I don't care to keep any longer.
What do you think Cal?
A quick search of the area couldn't really hurt.
Alright well try to find your bag.
Do you have any idea where the last time you saw it or where it might be?
Oh yes I saw it 15 years ago.
It fell out of the back of the wagon.
And in fact I got off to find it and that's when my husband took the horse ahead after
the wheels had broken on our caravan.
And he said I'll come back for you and so he's on his way but I just don't know when.
Your husband went to find your suitcase.
No I went to find the suitcase.
I jumped off.
You see he was in the back.
I was driving at first and then all of a sudden I saw my suitcase fall out the back door.
She hit a root.
I may have.
Say oopsies.
I may have.
That may have been why the wheels broke.
So anyways I got down from the driver's seat you see and made my way out back.
I was a little bit more agile at that time and I tried to find it however when I turned
back around my husband had unhooked the horse from the front of the caravan and he was riding
away.
This is the first time I've said it out loud.
It really sounds like he might have left me.
Yeah um.
He's cheating on you now.
No no no no.
No let's be honest with her Cal.
I mean she's old enough.
She deserves our respect.
I don't think he's coming back sweetie.
I used to look like you 15 years ago.
You think he would leave that?
That was 15 years ago?
Oh yeah.
I might have been here a little longer than 15 years sweetie.
I was in my 20s.
I told you she's a witch.
She looks like she's 400 in my head.
Okay well we'll find your bag for you but also we might want to talk about getting you
out of here at some point too.
You know perhaps even just like a slight skin cream regimen.
I sometimes smooth berries over my face.
You see there's a beautiful blueberry and blackberry patch behind here.
I primarily live on the blueberries.
I believe you.
Your skin's practically purple.
Oh and I haven't had a mirror in so long.
Is it good?
You can tell.
No no you look like you're suffocating constantly.
Oh well I'm not.
Anyways piece of pie.
No thank you.
No get me a piece of pie.
Oh she needs another piece of pie.
And she consumes the fourth piece of pie which is now leaving only half a pie left on the
window sill.
She's an antioxidant zombie.
Alright Patricia you point us in the right direction.
We'll try and locate your bag for you.
Okay well the Vardo's facing this way so I would probably head some way back that way.
Okay.
I like how specific those directions were.
So we want to go that way.
That'll wait.
Yes I would head behind where you see where I'm facing.
We'll go the other way.
Yes thank you Patricia.
Okay alright.
Betty's going to walk out and just like hold her finger up to Jessie be like no you're
here and kind of like walk out away from the Vardo.
Okay same.
Alright and do you guys regroup with Jessie and girl?
Oh yeah absolutely.
Okay.
Fill her in on everything.
It doesn't look good.
It looks like she's dead.
It looks like she's a witch.
She's definitely a witch.
What's with that pie?
Blueberry ain't even in season.
Blue skin.
I don't think seasons matter too much in these woods.
Yeah see I don't like these woods neither.
Something ain't right here.
Well she sent us to find some luggage.
At least we might be finding something resourceful in it and even if we decide not to bring it
back.
Well that's a good idea.
Or we could be being pitched on a fool's errand and being thrown to be lost deep in the woods
and end up like her.
I mean as far as I know I didn't see any signs of weaponry or anything so we got her there.
You know I'm not terrified by that.
As long as we stick together I have no fear.
Yeah let's head towards that direction.
Okay how much time do you guys devote to searching?
No more than 20-30 minutes.
10 minutes?
Like we're just going to do a hot lap around and like oh no we're leaving.
So do you guys actually look or do you leave?
No I'll take a look.
I'm curious.
I'm curious about this woman's luggage.
I'll look.
If Betty's looking I'm looking.
As you guys look around not too far from the caravan itself the three of you kind of converge
on the same place after a few minutes of searching and running quickly through the woods in front
of you is a deer with eight legs and giant pointed antlers as it bolts through the woods
in front of you probably only a hundred yards.
Only a second one bursts out from another patch of woods spiking it with its antlers
and then as it pulls the other creature off of its antlers it begins to trample and eat
at its flesh.
Well that's not really good.
Hold everybody don't move.
Everybody make a dex roll for me.
Gosh darn it.
Yeah I rolled a 16.
Yeah my dex is a 10 I rolled an 11.
I rolled a 19.
Alright so all three of you failed?
Alright all three of you try to stay still however the nerves that you experience seeing
this shake you all enough to make you each take a step back and as you do this each snap
to this creature that looks like a hideously deformed deer with eight legs and gigantic
antlers turns and looks at the three of you before its eight legs begin pounding into
the ground and it rushes to you.
I'm gonna pull out my machete.
Um yeah I'm getting my repeater ready to go.
I grab my bullwhip.
Go for the legs cow.
Yeah I go to try and hobble it up a little bit and rip one of its legs out from under
it.
So it's pounding on all eight legs?
Yes.
Okay so it's not grotesque like there's some in its back sticking out or anything?
Is this a spider deer?
It's a spy deer.
Ugh.
S-P-I-D-E-E-R.
Ugh.
What's it an arachnoid deer?
With giant sprawling antlers.
Awesome.
I bet he's gonna try to pop off a shot with a repeater trying to get it as it's running
towards it and assuming I can make an action right now.
Absolutely you can.
Only two D6.
Oh that would be an 11.
Oh that's right you want to roll low.
Yeah.
Oops.
So an 11 is a clear miss.
So decrease your bullet count by one not your lead so you hold.
Alright eight shots.
Eight shots.
So decrease that down to seven as your first shot misses.
We'll say with it being a hundred yards away there actually is one more round before it
hits the three of you.
Yeah I got a repeater I'm gonna pull pretty quick.
I'm whipping one of the legs out.
Okay you'll have to wait until it's closed that gap a little bit more.
I'll pull my shotgun out and shoot at it.
Okay.
A nine.
You were able to hit it with a grazing shot.
Still a little outside the range of your scatter gun.
So roll me one D4 for damage.
Three.
Yeah and since it's a little farther out than I expected I'll switch to my long gun.
Okay you make me a shot.
Six.
Okay a four to a six is a definite hit.
So you roll one D10 for damage.
Six.
A solid shot if I am not mistaken.
The spy deer undeterred continues its rapid advance towards the three of you.
Cal at this point it's getting too close to accurately put in your scope with your long
range.
Jesse Jane you are actually in a decent spot still as it closes the gap because your gun
has a closer range than Cal's.
And Betty Bob you're still well within your medium range to continue your shot if you
wish to shoot it at one more time before it is upon you.
I have some questions first.
Okay.
I have this large trap.
I don't in my brain it's like a big bear trap but I don't know that that's true.
So I'm wondering if I have enough time to do something about that.
Definitely not.
Okay cool.
Then I will shoot it with my shotgun.
Okay I believe that would put Betty Bob at the top of the order.
Yeah I'm gonna.
It's a head and rat forest.
Throw another shot from the repeater.
Six.
Six is a hit.
Nice.
And then you on the.
Yeah.
Is it D8.
Four.
Decent hit.
Jesse Jane.
How many shots does my shotgun have?
You have two before you have to reload.
So this will be your second.
Is that a thing?
Yeah.
Three.
Three is maximum damage.
Whoa.
Fuck yeah.
Nice.
Alright.
Go.
So you automatically do D8 then and you're gonna roll an additional D8.
Two D8?
Yep.
And then the scatter gun has a dire effect.
So.
No no no.
You roll one D8.
So you get max damage.
So you get eight on one and then you're gonna get.
Oh I see.
So roll.
Sorry.
So roll me one D8.
One.
Nine.
You got nine D8.
Yeah.
That's good.
Sounds good.
That is good.
Yeah.
As the spider steps from you guys takes a beautifully placed shotgun round to the head.
You split its giant sprawling antlered head down the center and it collapses.
Good.
Oh hey.
Shot.
Barely made that one.
Yeah well placed.
Jesse well placed.
Thank you.
That scared the shit out of me.
I barely even seen it.
It was mostly luck.
I don't believe that.
Betty just kind of like pokes it with the butt of her gun.
Make it sure it's.
It does not get back up.
No phase two.
Not yet.
We're playing Dark Souls until season two.
Do we know this creature?
Is there anything worth harvesting on it?
Cal might know.
Cal is there anything worth harvesting on a spy deer?
I mean the antlers are handy.
Well I'll take a couple of those.
What are you using for?
Taking a couple of spikes of antlers.
It'll make you tie a string around them.
Wear them as a necklace.
Use them to trade for some jewelry.
Knife handles.
Oh all right.
Got me there.
That sounds good.
You can use horn for a lot of things, slice it on a circle and you can make a button with
it.
Oh a little button.
I ain't got no buttons.
But I guess I would have one.
We're gonna take some antlers.
And the venison it's stringy.
It's like almost like crab.
When a crab is long and stringy like this is similar.
It's like crab is like an eight legged creature of the sea.
This is the eight legged creature of the forest.
So it's red but it's stringy.
It's weird.
Crab of the land they call it.
That sounds gross.
I don't want that.
I don't want no part of that.
It's not bad.
Okay.
Cook it on a fire hot enough it'll kill all the parasites in it and it won't affect you
negatively at all.
Well maybe.
You want to carve it up?
I'll give it some straps.
Okay carving up the deer you're able to get one day's rations for everyone.
Nice.
Back up to three.
As it seems maybe it's spidey or mating season and the rut is in full effect so this thing
has run itself to a very lean body mass.
Otherwise typically you'd get more in a different part of the season.
Well that was intense but maybe just spend a little bit more time looking for the suitcase
and then just call it.
As you take a step backwards you trip over a root and fall on your ass Betty Botten.
Get impaled on antlers.
What the hell?
Wait hey there.
Let's see take a look at what I tripped over.
It happens to be the edge of a suitcase.
Of course.
Found it.
Gracefully found it.
Maybe you should open it up and make sure it's the right one.
Oh I'm definitely looking in it before we bring it back there's no questions on that.
I take a step back when she opens it.
Okay.
Opening it.
It's a menagerie of oddness.
There is some scant lingerie as well as a book How to Fix Your Marriage.
There's a long crooked but beautifully carved piece of wood.
Oh no.
How crooked?
It's straight enough but crooked along the way.
There is another leather bound book in there that seems to be handwritten as well as an
item that doesn't seem to belong in there and it looks like almost the blueprint of
a handgun rolled up neatly in the corner of the or in the side of the suitcase as well
as some other knickknacks, doodads, clothing and some gentlemanly effects.
Well this blueprint is mighty interesting.
It must be one of those magic wands they talk about.
It's weird that there's a blueprint for a gun in here.
No one that I know is still making any.
She said that some of the effects in here were her husband's.
He could have been a smith of sorts.
I mean that would be helpful if he's still around but alright well I mean we found it.
Let's bring it back to her and maybe just ask her about it.
You know we'll be forthright.
We opened it just to make sure it wasn't you know anything gross or nasty that would hurt
us on the way and then you know brought it back to her.
Sounds like a good plan to me.
I just want to take one what's that leather bound book that's handwritten.
I want to take a look into that.
Okay you open it.
You're simultaneously confused, intrigued and a little scared.
And horny.
Yeah definitely horny.
More than anything as it seems like a mix between a journal and scratchings of a mad
person.
You guys know that magic isn't something that is widely prevalent in this world and when
it is it usually is not for the best of purposes.
And so reading the book you don't really understand what is being translated on it but every page
that you turn to try to like figure it out that isn't a page out of her journal drives
you a little nutty.
However every time you get to a journal page there is a hand-drawn drawing of her 15 years
ago and as you can tell you through the journal not just 15 years ago the latest picture is
15 years ago but it actually goes back through several years of her life and it shows her
aging at a pretty rapid pace and it seems like she's drawing self-portraits in there.
What is it Cal?
There's one that's nude.
Just one?
Throw that in here.
How is it Cal?
This is I...
Not your style I know.
I'm usually a man of many words.
I've been rendered utterly speechless by the content of this tome.
It is my new least favorite and most favorite book I have my eyes have ever glossed over.
So I mean it's obviously some type of journal of hers right?
It is without question the scribblings of the most beautiful mind.
She's a god dang witch.
I believe this confirms your suspicions quite succinctly.
I'm not usually right when I think people are witches but I'm pretty sure I'm right
about this.
I believe you have found a witch.
I believe that.
Take this wand, wave it around, say some words.
What happens?
Oh I ain't touching none of that.
First of all that ain't no wand.
I mean yeah.
Betty Bob knows what that is and that ain't no wand.
A magic wand.
Yeah.
Best thing to do is put all this shit back in there and give it to her and no ever tell
her you opened it and just keep it happy.
I think we should take the blueprints for that fire arm.
Well I mean I think she'll be pissed and know immediately it's gone though.
I mean I say.
It's your call boss.
We could be as altruistic as you want.
Let's just get it back there and play it by ear.
The three of you look around and realize that Grohl is not with you.
Damn it.
Alright.
I got him away from it so good that first time.
Betty grabs a bag and is just like let's go.
Let's go.
I was calling for Grohl and I had him making our way back.
You make it back to Vardo.
It doesn't take too long and as you were approaching you now see two pies sitting on the windowsill
and you hear some laughing mixed with some coming from inside.
As you open the door you see Patricia sitting on the bed with Grohl each eating several
slices of pie at a time.
Grohl I'm sorry he's not very polite.
Meep and he looks at you and his whole face is covered in blueberries.
Purple.
You're gonna need a bath and you hate baths.
Oh he'll be fine.
He'll clean himself.
He's a great pie eater.
He's not like the rest of you.
He's a great everything eater.
He is.
It is his favorite thing to do.
He's an eater yes.
I can see that.
He even has rolls and she pushes her hand into his belly and then pulls it back out.
I wouldn't put your hand in there man you're likely to lose your jewelry.
Oh I'm not wearing any.
No anymore.
Oh well we found your bag.
You did?
Yes.
Well that didn't take long at all.
Maybe I should have searched harder.
Maybe um.
There was vicious creatures about.
It was lucky that you didn't happen upon them.
Oh that's why I just go to the berry patch and come back.
It's probably best for your safety ma'am.
Yeah that's why I haven't tried to go anywhere.
Anyways can I see my suitcase please?
Yes and I'll hold it up so she can see it.
Could you bring it over here and open it?
I'll give you whatever you want out of it.
Within reason there's a couple things in there that are old Patricia's.
I just want to retcon it.
It's like when we walked in I just like I looked at her and I was just like I can't
look at you.
I was just like.
I didn't see you in the new life.
Yeah I have a very bad feeling about this.
But yeah I give her the bag.
She sets it on the bed and kind of positions it behind herself and Grol because they're
taking up a good amount of space on the bed and she busts it open and she asks oh there
it is and her hands slowly move towards the bag.
Suddenly and quickly she turns and she holds up her lingerie in front of you.
Can you believe I used to fit into this?
I believe it.
Oh don't fall in love honey.
I'm already married.
I'm sorry man I'm sorry.
Anyways so here's my husband's stuff.
I don't know you can take all of it and she takes a couple pieces of men's clothing as
well as the blueprint of the gun and we set it on a table in front of her and goes back
to eating pie.
I made more pies.
This bumble here said he wanted one so I figured I'd make one for the group.
Did you come in yet?
Nope.
Um so I figured I'd make one for all three of you to take along with ya.
He said he wanted more pie.
Well yeah you don't speak bumbler.
I didn't know you could.
She looks at him and goes meep meep meep and he responds meep meep meep meep and they
both burst out laughing.
Meep meep meep.
Oh no not like that.
Grol scowls.
You got the wrong inflection.
I'll work on it.
It sounds like you're from the Appalachians.
It's a family area.
This is a blueprint for a gun that's pretty serious your husband would have.
What line of work was your husband in?
Oh he was a gunsmith.
You don't say.
They haven't been making guns.
Yeah I mean that's why he had the blueprint.
It wasn't to, he was trying to make it but I don't know.
I haven't seen him in a while.
What do you think if you had to guess why did he leave?
Probably because I'm only 41 and I look like I'm 83.
Yeah what the fuck is up with that?
I don't know you know you make silly pacts when you're a girl with things you don't
quite understand and I mean just things happen to you.
Okay one final question what's that wooden stick?
That's my wand.
Yeah okay we're gonna go.
Adios.
Got things to do don't forget your pie.
Do we take the pie?
Take the pie.
Leave the gun.
Leave the wand.
Take the pie.
Patricia um I know this is gonna sound weird but what does your husband look like?
Last I seen him he was kind of a portly fellow.
Wears glasses.
Big mustache.
You know just beautiful overall.
What was his name?
His name was Herbert.
Herbert.
Herbert Fleshman.
Flesh if we come across your husband I'm gonna make sure to let him know that you're here
and uh kind of ask him nicely but firmly why he left you.
You know what if you ever find out let me know maybe we'll pass along our and our travels
again but um it's of no consequence I've got my stuff in us I should be fine.
You don't want to get out of here you're happy here.
Oh I'm getting out of here honey.
Okay now that you have your lingerie.
Yeah I'm gonna hitch a ride so to speak.
Okay um well uh thank you I guess for the pie and the blueprints.
Good luck with everything and with your wand.
Yeah adios.
Oh look at my journal and she starts flipping through it.
Oh I haven't read this in years.
Oh look at me.
Read us a passage would you?
And she flips through a particular page.
The night drew hot as Herbert.
Oh that is enough that is enough.
It's like a Danielle Steele novel.
I've been transported.
I can't save save I have to save the rest for my imagination.
Herbert's hairy back emerged from behind the Vardo.
Okay um we're gonna okay Patricia was lovely to meet you.
You are a poet ma'am.
Oh that I've only gotten started.
All right we don't need to hear 50 shades of fyrdo.
Well if you don't want to stick around you might want to get out of here.
Yeah we're gonna.
I got some action to do with my wand.
Oh yep we're going we're going.
Bye um growl let's go.
Meep meep.
And he jumps down with two handfuls of pies as he eats them and walks.
He's been picking blueberries out of his rolls for a month.
I definitely do grab a pie though.
Good you guys have an additional pie.
Are you still looking in the Vardo when Cal and Betty Bob leave?
Yeah.
Okay.
As you continue to look you see Patricia disrobe and put on her lingerie.
I stopped looking.
And when she turns around to the open window she is once again not an 83 year old woman
but she looks right in the age between you and Betty Bob.
Her body is no longer wrinkled it's smooth and curvy in all the right places.
I'm gonna duck back down immediately.
Yeah.
I'm gonna go ask her about her pie recipe.
Do you share that with anybody?
Yeah as they come out and we walk around I told you she was a witch.
You know she's like 22 in there right?
Yeah we saw the wand I'm not gonna turn around.
I think we just got out of there lucky.
Helped her and maybe she'll remember.
Well hopefully because I just saw her naked and it was terrifying and then wonderful.
I just wish I had a copy I committed as much as I could of her journal to memory it was
absolutely horrifying yet the most erotic thing I've ever read in my life.
I'm sure parts of it will stay with you for a while.
They will haunt me and arouse me until the day I die.
Well we got this blueprint for this gun that was in there and I think that was pretty much
all useful but I know the guy's name and maybe if we find him and give it to him he can make
it for us.
She didn't want to say anything while we were in there but she described to a tee the gentleman
that I saw in our shared vision of the red door but the private the previous part.
Oh hot damn.
It was it is definitely the same man the glasses the mustache and the portliness of it all
it's it attracts.
It's weird that we would happen to run into her and find those blueprints.
This is destiny we are on we are clearly on a path that has been meticulously laid out
and we all have but to tread it.
But as at the same time Bill used to always say ain't no fate but what we make so I don't
know how.
Oh I intend on making the fate of that person that killed Bill end abruptly that is the
fate that I am going to make happen.
We best get on our way if we're gonna make that happen.
Yes.
As you guys move your way through the wildwood you hear a loud cackling and from overhead
you see the Vardo scream through the sky and out of sight.
There she goes.
God damn witch.
We were all in agreement of that she is clearly a witch and we just gave her back items of
power that she was looking for.
She saw you.
She saw your face.
You should have asked for a ride to Riptide.
Yeah seriously did you see how fast that fucking thing was flying?
Well he's got a ride.
You should have just walked out of there like oh.
So do we eat the pie or not?
Like I'm confused it smells delicious.
I mean we did her a solid it's probably good.
I mean Grohl is like.
Grohl ain't dying.
Grohl is like jumping up and down trying to grab the pie out of whoever's hand.
Grohl is loving life right now.
We are having that pie for supper.
It might be a little sugary.
I'm gonna walk and eat pie.
Okay.
As you guys continue to walk into the evening which is hard to discern really what is evening
and what is daytime here due to the darkness of the wildwood it takes another day and a
half of walking before you reach the end.
So I'm gonna let you guys use the pie as a half days ration so only remove one additional
days ration but you make it through the wildwood without too much other trouble.
I don't eat the pie.
So you're gonna remove a day and half's worth of rations.
That's fine.
Just on principle like fuck that witch's pie.
It's a really good pie.
It's awesome.
This is absolutely delightful.
Throughout this second day walking Grohl continues to pull handfuls of pie out of his skulls
and shove them in his mouth.
You purple toothed menace I knew you'd sock some away for later.
Me me me me me.
Oh you dog you.
Oh yeah you're definitely getting a bath before you come back in my bed roll.
And the three of you leave the wildwood.
It's only a few hours walk until you're outside the town of Riptide.
Is this the place Cal?
It seems so.
Are there people around?
It is bustling.
There are plenty of people.
This is far different than it was in my dream.
I still think we should try this place.
Does the gunshot do you see where the gun on the shop owner was?
There was we walked down this that way over there and there was the one there was one
everything was dark.
There was no lights in any of the building.
But save for one.
And that was does it look like it was the building anywhere around us?
You don't see the building.
But as you're standing debating on the outside of the town you feel a warm breeze blowing
on the back of your neck.
I'll take that as an affirmation.
Let's go that that away.
I have a great journey starts with a footstep.
So I guess this is our first long ass.
Can I roll to see if I fall down and then give me a next roll.
I fall flat on your face with a 19.
As soon as you step under the arch that says riptide in the town you trip and several of
the townsfolk turn to look at you.
Some laughing one gasping.
Let's get you up feel as you are.
What do you wear?
Do you wear pants or are you wearing like a dress?
Oh no she was she's a pants wearer.
OK leather slacks.
Oh yes leather.
That's right.
The silver conchos with the leather tassels.
No not not that great.
It's like you know just just bandito leather pants.
Some gasps as they see your ass jiggle in the leather pants as the town of the tight
is a little bit more conservative than perhaps Betty Bob Cocker's used to.
Betty stands up and dusts herself off.
Well you know next step is always going to be better.
I promise them first first step on our first mission is the order of hate.
Well you know embarrassment leads to hate.
So here we go.
Can only get better from here.
Yeah let's try and try and find that shot.
And the four of you wander for a few minutes before you hear the digging of a hammer.
I hear it.
Ting.
You hear what cow?
Well this way.
And you follow the sounds until you're outside of a small shop with a blacksmith forge out
front.
The inside of the building is well lit and the ivory door handle shines in the afternoon
light.
The same as in my dream.
Little cow I guess lead the way bud.
Entree woo shall we.
Yes let's make our way in.
You enter the door and there's a portly man over a workbench.
And he's got a tiny anvil and a very small hammer and he's tapping away at a gold ring.
Why hello sir.
Well hello.
Nice seeing you here.
This is going to sound like utter madness but I have a question for you.
Well what doesn't sound like utter madness in this town?
Or in these trying times I should say.
Not just the town but the times overall have gotten a bit crazy if I do say so myself.
Indeed.
I like the way you talk.
I like the cutty old gibs sir.
Well I must ask a series of questions if you would be so kind.
Would you happen to be a gunsmith?
He looks around nervously as a cold sweat immediately breaks out on his brow.
And if that isn't.
Oh.
And if that isn't a debate then might I ask is your name Herbert Fleshman?
How did you know that?
And do you know anything about this?
And I unroll the blueprint of the pistol.
Oh.
I feel like I've thrown a lot at you all at once.
And it's taken up most of your cognitive processes.
Yes.
Listen I don't want no trouble.
No trouble?
None of us want any trouble.
I'm just a man asking a few questions.
Yeah I'm worried about the answers.
Do you know our friend Bill Haight?
Y'all know Bill Haight?
We are of the order of Haight and this is our leader.
We should say we knew Bill Haight.
He's dead.
Well that changes a few things.
Why don't you come inside and we'll have a chat.
Close the door behind you darling.
Alright.
Yeah Jesse what do we live in a barn?
Sorry.
I got mud in my boots too.
Sorry about that.
That's alright.
Everybody just crowd into the front parlor.
I know the space isn't too big but I usually don't have that many visitors at once.
So sit down and I guess I'll be happy to answer the questions you've got.
Alright.
And that's where we're going to end our episode.
You exploded a deer, a spy deer.
I did, yes.
You shot it in the head.
I blasted that bitch.
With a shotgun.
I took the old Ithaca off the wall and went to town.
I don't fuck with witches but I'll kill monsters.
I'll blow deer apart.
And we will continue next time.
So I guess we'll see you next next Tuesday.
The Tales From The Crit Podcast is recorded in the Wolfbeard Games Studio in upstate New
York.
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