Welcome to BroadMinded, the podcast about everything and nothing, and likely having
you asking yourself, where the hell did they come from?
We are two best friends covering subjects guaranteed to make you laugh and likely blush.
Hosted by two very different broads that have no shame in talking about the uncomfortable
moments of life.
We have some recap our Saturday.
Yeah, we got to recap our Saturday.
We learned a lot of like, yeah, so do you want to recap?
You start.
So Johnna got a new dog.
That's an exciting thing.
Oh yes, I did.
So my sweet boyfriend, I love that he enables me in all the right ways.
He really does enable you.
It's kind of cute.
Because I first started testing the waters because I love animals and I love dogs and
I want to rescue everything I see.
So I started testing the waters by sharing pictures on Facebook.
I'm like, I wonder how he would respond to this.
So I'd like tag him in pictures of dogs and stuff and he was like, oh yeah, we should
get them.
Dear Lord.
And so then I, for some reason, I don't know what came over me.
Maybe it's because I've had floofy for a year.
This is my one year anniversary.
I got him a year ago this weekend.
Oh really?
Yes.
And so I just got this itching.
She gets itchings a lot y'all.
I really do.
And I scratch them too.
And that could be a problem.
Yeah.
She calls me, she's like, I'm going to get this giant dog.
Now those of you who don't know, we'll have to like post it on our Facebook.
But floofy is her dog and he is giant.
Floofy is my sweet, sweet baby boy.
He was shot in the head.
So and he was a stray.
So we don't know how old he is.
We didn't know anything about his background.
I can tell you that last year when I saw him, I walked into his little room.
He was in the premier dog room and I laid my eyes on him and I'm like, I got to meet
him.
I got to have that.
That's my dog.
He is perfect for you.
He was on hold for somebody else.
Thank God that fell through.
Yeah.
Because I was calling like every few hours to see if he was still on hold.
And anyway, I ended up getting him.
I've had him for a year.
He's been a wonderful, like a blessing to our home.
And then he's a perfect chill dog.
So when Jonna calls me, you know, like, so I, Jonna, you know, her word was content this
year.
So I keep trying to remind her of that.
She calls me, she's like, Hey, I think I'm going to get this giant ass dog.
And I'm like, wait, hold on.
Why would we disrupt poor Floofy?
Like Floofy is a perfect dog.
He's a perfect boy.
He is literally perfect.
And I'm like, are you doing this because you're not content?
And she's like, well, I'm going to do it either way.
Well, what happened was he had a best friend, Kase.
Kase was a little miniature wiener dog and they were best friends.
Well Kase was court ordered to go back to his mother.
We call her Cruella DeVille.
She's not nice to the dog.
But anyway, so he was court ordered to go back to her.
So we decided that we needed to get him a playmate.
So and also Jordan was just so sad about the dog.
So I found his name was his present name, the humane society name was Briggs.
And I so I took a screenshot of him and he looked like he could be Floofy's distant cousin.
Like they just have like this derpy face, the big lips, the big head.
I thought of those cane corso.
Yes.
But their head size does.
But they're both pits, right?
I think Floofy is Corso.
Okay.
But but so we renamed Briggs.
We renamed him Dozer.
Dozer is a pit bull 100%.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He did.
When I looked at it, it was it was because of his ears being cropped.
Yeah.
I can't even imagine being such a handsome boy, but he is so sweet.
And he's been very much letting Floofy be the dominating one.
But Floof, you know, he's got bones and people to protect.
And he really does.
He protects them.
He's he his triggers bones like my dog.
I have two Boston Terriers.
Callies is balls.
She is obsessed with balls.
She is obsessed with balls and sticks like oh, yes, I was trying to start a fire the
other night.
And this bitch every time I would get a stick she she jumps super high.
You've seen how?
Oh, yeah.
I'm five, six.
She probably jumps to my chest at least not if not my shoulder.
And I'm like carrying it like this, you know, and all of a sudden here she comes and snatches
it.
Oh, my God goes running off.
I'm like, this bitch.
So yeah, but my Floofy, it's people.
And so, you know, also, like if we say anything nice to to dozer, like he gets this very upset
look like so we've got some jealousy issues to work through.
But so far so good.
I think we're going to be able to keep keep the dog.
I hope so.
I hope so, too.
I know.
We'll break your little heart.
He came from I think he also came from a tragic background.
We didn't get the full story.
But both of like one leg just recently had surgery.
He's got two torn ACLs.
So one leg has already had the surgery.
The other one needs surgery here in like six more weeks.
So I just feel like he came from a bad situation as well.
And I just if I could rescue all of them, I would.
Yeah, you're a fixer when it comes to that.
So now that you don't have to fix your man, you're going to start getting freaking dogs.
I know.
If he lets me like keep critters that I find, I'll keep those two.
Yeah, for real.
All the different kinds.
But I mean, I can't imagine being mean to any animal whatsoever.
Some people are.
I'm just not a mean person in general, except for I did do well this weekend, which is what
we need to recap about.
Well, I was going to bring it up because I'm like some people are mean to animals like
the my last husband that I don't know if I should even say it on what he did to our family
cat.
Oh, no.
Like it's disturbing.
It's disturbing.
It's something that you would see on TV, like something like a serial killer would do.
But anyway, we won't go into that.
Yeah, I don't think he's a serial killer, but I just think he's like a very like a impulsive
human being who does crazy shit.
Very selfish thing.
Yeah.
But so Lord, this is funny.
This is good.
You guys are going to love this one.
So I don't really say much when it comes to you'd like to take the high road.
I'm usually the petty one sometimes.
Right.
So most of the time when I approach people, I am I can like kind of just make you feel
stupid.
I don't need to like, you know, I don't need to be mean and hateful.
But I'm at dinner on Saturday with my husband and another couple friend of ours.
And John is ex husband comes into the bar and he sits down.
And let me just tell you this town we live in, it's 75,000 people, but it's small.
You know, it feels very small.
There's only a few really cool places that people go.
Like I'm aware we're going to see him.
We saw him last summer and it made me uncomfortable.
And matter of fact, we left after we saw him at a concert last summer.
Like it was it was it wasn't the time or the place.
It's never going to be the time and the place he lives in the same apartment building as
my son.
Like it's been uncomfortable a few times.
And I feel like I felt like it was a perfect opportunity for me to tell this M.F.R. that
he does not affect me and that she does not love him and that I do not love him because
I love everybody.
Yeah, like I really I mean, I can I really can get along with just about anybody.
But this guy in particular, he makes my skin crawl.
And I think it's because he tricked everybody.
Yeah, he really did.
And so it's like been a thing for me, like I don't like to be tricked.
There are three guys and four in this town that I think are pieces of shit.
I said it last episode, I will continue to call them out.
I don't care.
I'm not afraid of them.
I do not give a shit.
I would say their name on here if I needed to at a certain point.
I won't.
But anyway, so he's sitting at the bar.
And for those of you who don't know, he had some weird habits.
Weird things that flipped his switch on.
Yeah, like women wasn't really one of them.
He hated women.
Right.
But he had some habits that were strange to me.
Okay, like dressing as I mean, like, I don't know how much we want to bust them out.
But he did weird shit.
Okay.
And I know his habits, because why I'm John is best friend and how dare him think that
you want you don't need to tell just because he keeps everything to himself and his ass
body don't mean you have to, you know, like, come on, you right, short fucker.
I'm sorry.
I really hate him.
I really do.
Like I have to pray about it because now she hates but here's the thing.
I already don't hate him because I don't have enough care to hate him.
Yeah, like I really don't.
No, I don't hate him until I see him.
And then I feel like he praying on now you little smug ass.
He's like just one of those people that you feel like I feel like he's like a sexual,
not a he's not a sexual predator.
I don't know enough about him to know.
But I feel like he's one of those people who like, you know, like the guys who get away
with crimes and shit.
Oh, now that is 100% like that dude gets away with everything.
It's like he gets out of every situation.
And it's like he lands in whipped cream.
Yes, seriously.
Yeah.
And I think I'm, I was just feeling some type of way on Saturday night.
I was completely sober, completely sober, which made me even more proud of myself for
doing it.
So I look at my husband.
And those of you silent Brad's not with us today.
But those of you who have observed Brad is quiet.
He doesn't like confrontation.
He doesn't even like it when I'm mad at him.
You know, like, so I look over at my husband and this other couple.
And I'm like, you know what I'm gonna go do?
And they're like, what?
And I said, I'm gonna go up to him telling me dropped his butt plug.
The look on their faces.
Mortification.
I mean, immediately, immediately they were both like, what the fuck?
Stress level through the roof.
Like she's really gonna ask him that.
Brad goes, babe, please don't.
And I was like, no, I'm going to.
And I was at a birthday dinner and like you text me that you're gonna say that.
And I'm like, ha ha.
Like I really didn't think you were going to.
I'm like, that would be absolutely hilarious.
But I know she ain't about to do that.
Right.
Because usually I would have probably just said something like, oh, I've been praying
for you.
Yeah.
But I had to.
I had to.
May the Lord bless you as you sprinkle holy water on his burning ass.
For real.
We came walking in and these nasty ass anyways.
Okay.
So I digress.
So I'm like, Brad, please let me.
And he's like, I don't, I don't have to let you do anything.
You're going to do what you want to do.
I would just prefer you not to do it.
Right.
And all of a sudden, and you know, our other, our, my girlfriend that was with us, she's
like, do it, do it.
I'm like, look, I looked at the Brian and our Brad and Brian and I said, here's what's
going to happen.
I'm going to do this.
So if you want to leave before I do it, that's fine.
We'll get it.
We'll pay our bill and I'll do it as we leave, but I'm going to do this.
And Brad's like, now I need to make sure she actually freaking does it.
So I go up to the bar, I give the bartender a hug to make sure that first, oh boy sees
me.
So I give the bartender a hug.
I'm like, how are you?
Like da da da da, go to the bathroom, come back out.
And I'm like, y'all ready to leave?
And poor Brian, his face was like sweating.
Like I could tell he was like, please do not.
You know, they don't go out a lot anyways, because they're pretty known in town.
So like, I get it.
They don't want to have, sure.
People judging.
Yeah.
They're like, this is the first time we've been out in years in this fucking town.
Please do not bring attention to us.
And I'm like, well, too bad.
I'm going to.
So if you would like to leave.
So I'm thinking, I'm saying this very quiet.
They go out first, they're starting to walk through.
And he's as I'm passing him on the at the bar, I tap him on the shoulder and he said,
excuse me, sir, you drop your butt plug.
And the funniest part is he looks down because he didn't realize it was me at first.
It looks down and then he looks up and he sees my face and he knows it's me.
And he's like, oh, I've been looking for that.
Like he didn't skip a beat, which is, I mean, we'll give him credit where credits do.
He's pretty quick with it.
He's quick with it and he's funny.
Like that's what attracted us to it.
Right.
Yeah.
But you know what I mean?
Anyways.
And so I'm like all proud of myself.
And so as I'm walking away from him, did you know I did this to him?
You said you did, but I just thought you did that in your head.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I literally, I literally tap him on the shoulder.
He looks down.
He looks to me, you know, oh, there it is.
And as I'm walking, I'm, I'm then walking backwards and still looking at him at the
bar and I'm doing the whole, like, how do I describe this for people?
Like you have, she has her fingers pointing at her eyes, like back at him and back at
him.
I'm like, I see you bitch.
I know you.
So I text Johnna and I'm like so excited.
I'm so proud of myself.
And Brad looks at me and he goes, as we're at, when we're finally get out of the bar,
Brad looks at me and he goes, I cannot believe how loud you just said that.
He told me you were so loud.
He's like the whole bar heard it.
He goes, the entire freaking bar looked at you.
And I was like, they usually do.
Like, what do you want me to say?
Like he goes, as if your voice doesn't carry enough, babe, you literally like, excuse me.
You dropped your butt plug.
Cause I was so nervous.
You know, that's why I was talking louder.
So here at my loud ass is trying to talk quieter and I ended up talking louder.
So then guys, so I'm so proud of myself and Brad's like, I'm proud of you too, baby.
If you're proud, I'm proud.
Then Johnna shows up to the next little, there's a little town, a place called the Coterie
here in town that plays amazing music.
Yeah.
Super intimate and awesome.
Yeah.
If you're, if you're from Indiana, look up the Coterie C O T E R I E.
It's really, they have live music every weekend and they're phenomenal, phenomenal bands.
They got some bougie little drinks too.
And they're, they make old fashioned that is, yeah.
Yeah.
Actually Brad says it's just, it was, it's his number two old fashions he's ever had.
That's a big deal.
Yeah.
The other one's someplace in Vegas.
Anyways, so Johnna shows up.
I'll let you take over from here.
Okay.
So I showed up and I was like, okay, you tell me your story first.
Because once I tell you my story, it's not going to be as funny.
I didn't know she had a story first of all.
Right.
And so, and it's crazy because I divorced this dude.
Oh, I separated from him actually three years ago this month.
Yeah.
It was three years ago.
I left him, you know, crap hit the fan and I moved out with a quickness and I never looked
back to be honest.
Like once I moved out, I never looked back.
I was not ever going to entertain that lifestyle again.
Well, I think it's important to note.
This is important to note with our divorces, both of ours.
We exhausted every option before leaving.
And I'm a firm believer of that.
You do, you fight for your marriage, right?
So I know we make jokes about it, but I do want to say like, there are some things like
abuse, somebody who's a habitual cheater, somebody who likes to be banged in the butthole.
That wasn't even the deal breaker.
Right.
You know, but I have reached my breaking point and I'm like, there is absolutely nothing
more I can do.
And this is what it is.
So at that point, I was like, sever my ties, move forward.
And I have not seen him or talked to him since my divorce was final.
We saw him this past summer.
Oh, I didn't talk to him.
Right.
And he didn't see us.
No.
Right.
And also, well, I mean, I guess he had texted me like maybe a year and a half ago, but it
was not.
It was to pick a fight.
It wasn't for anything like reconciliation type stuff.
It was more like to just pick, pick, pick.
But anyway, you bit a bitch.
So this is the first time I've really like, okay, there he is.
He's sitting at the bar.
I was downstairs of where Claire was talking about the downstairs part of the coterie and
he comes walking in, ordering his booze.
No drinking.
He had gym shorts and black high socks and like, ugh, he's so, sorry.
But, and I don't know what came over me.
Something I get, I get these feelings that come over me.
And so I just listened to it.
I made her brave, y'all.
I listened to what those feelings are.
If they're not going to hurt somebody or myself, I listened to him and something was telling
me I need to go approach him and talk to him.
And so I did.
I went up to him.
Good thing I wasn't downstairs.
And I was like, hello.
I was like, I just want you to know that I forgive you for everything that happened and
I hope you're doing well.
Or something like that.
And he said he's sorry for being a dick and that was really about it.
And you know, we said have a good night, moved on.
And uh.
So then Jonna wanders upstairs and tells me the story.
I'm like, man, you shit all over me being the mean asshole.
Like what the hell?
That's some Jonna and Claire shit right there.
Yeah, we were on different wavelengths.
Girl, you were my mother.
I was your mother.
Yes.
She would have been so flipping proud.
I swear I heard her say it in my ear as I was walking away.
Like, get him girl.
Like, I got you Stella.
And then you were Donna.
All like my mother who's like a saint.
But it was just important for me to know, you know, for him to know, like, you are not
holding me back from happiness.
I am genuinely happy.
You did not ruin my life.
And literally your presence has no bearing on me.
Right.
And I felt like if I would have just sat there and not said anything, then maybe he would
have felt like he made me feel some type of way because I know he saw me.
Yeah.
But also I wasn't going to go over there and be mean either because.
Why?
Right.
Why?
Yeah, I was already rude.
And by nature you're not mean either.
No, I'm really not.
Neither one of us are.
But.
Nope.
And I don't feel like mine was real mean.
I just wanted him to know.
No, it was hilarious though.
Bitch, I see you.
Like, it's so like I still am on a high from it.
Like, I'm so proud of myself.
I'm like, who else can I say some shit like that to and feel better about?
Like, I don't need forgiveness.
Right.
And that was it.
Like, I told you that at the bar, like, I didn't need to forgive him.
He didn't do anything.
Correct.
Yeah.
To me, you're a piece and I just want you to know.
I just want you to know I see you.
Yeah.
Like, I know who you are.
Right.
Because so many people don't.
So many people just see that he's funny.
Right.
Or whatever.
And that's hard.
And when like I can't I was thinking yesterday, what would I do if I saw my ex husband?
Okay.
And it almost makes me sick to my stomach.
Now same same thing guys, like I exhausted every option.
Oh, yeah, you did.
I mean, I was like, stefford wife, I was give up on my friends, I was gonna do whatever.
I was therapy.
I was therapy with him therapy without him like so much I didn't I wanted it to work.
So badly.
But his dick wondered too much, you know, and options, but and other things.
Those are but like it.
So when I made that decision to leave him, I really I never looked back.
He does not come to my mind hardly ever.
Oh, never.
I never think about it makes me sad for the kids because they were raised by him for the
most part, you know, in a lot of ways, at least.
But, but then I didn't make me sad because I don't want my kids to have an example of
a man like that.
Like I just, you know, like, sorry, I'll pay for therapy kids like I messed you up.
My bad.
Didn't mean to.
I don't know what I would say to him.
I don't think I, I don't know that I ever feel like I don't feel like I need to forgive
him.
I don't feel like it's a burden on my heart.
Yeah.
So it would I almost feel like I do feel angry.
I think it helped me open my eyes to who he is as a person and what like it almost makes
me super emotional.
Now when I really think about it, I don't miss him.
I never again don't think about it.
But when I do, it's anger, it's anger and it's discussed.
It's more discussed.
Like, ew, you were that person to me.
Like and painted this.
It's probably why I don't like people who are fake.
Like it really probably is.
I've dealt with that for 12 years of my life.
If you're going to be who you're going to like be who you are and do what you say.
Like that's really just how I feel at this point in my life.
So I don't know.
But now I feel like do I need to forgive him?
Do we have to forgive everybody?
If I were in your shoes, I don't know.
I mean, you know, there's a bigger story at this point, too.
And so if I were in your shoes, I just don't know.
I don't know what I would do.
I don't know what I would do if I if that was my ex-husband knowing what I know.
I have no idea.
Yeah, it's different.
Like even the kids his dad, like I mean, I love that man still.
Like we're good friends.
We can coexist.
He knows the ugly he's done.
I know the ugly I did.
We were young and just like you and you know, the first one like, well, you know what I'm
saying?
Yeah, that Connors, you know, dad, but you know, it's just one of those things.
I don't know.
I think do we have to forgive everybody?
I don't know.
But so I think that we're supposed to forgive everybody.
I feel like I forgive him, but so I feel like I have forgiven what he did to me because
I don't think about it.
But I feel like when I think about it, it makes me angry.
But I don't feel like there's a need for forgiveness.
I feel like it's one of those traumatic things that like, no matter what, it's always going
to hurt me and always going to make me feel anger.
It's going to be like one of those demons that comes up in your life every once in a
while.
Does it mean something that impacts your day?
Or does it if it if it impacted your life today, or if it was impacting your relationship
with your husband, like holding you back, I would say that forgiveness is a must.
Like you have to let that go so that you can be happy now.
But you are happy now.
Right?
You know, it's not like a relevant thing that you need to do.
Right.
Exactly.
And I don't think I will come into contact with him, you know, like, it's just, but so
what I told Johnna was when she's telling me this story after she gets upstairs, I'm
like, bitch, you just outdid me.
You forgave him, blah, blah, blah.
And I said, he's going to text you.
Yeah.
And he did.
And I was almost like, I don't want to tell her what he said, because he was he was trying
to attack mine.
He was trying to get a rise out of me.
I think he was really just trying to argue and keep conversation going.
And I was not going to give that to him.
I did end up blocking him because he sent me let me open up and just.
Yeah.
So she's so she's prepping me yesterday.
She's like, I don't know if you want to know, because she knows I have a temper.
She doesn't.
I can snap real quick.
And I still have that dude's number.
So yeah, he takes me six times in a row.
I never messaged him back.
Was it late late at night, by the way?
Four in the morning?
No, it was around the time I got home.
Oh, OK.
So so right after you left.
Yeah.
And he was saying, it was nice to see you, however I are.
Basically he was drunk.
And so the words that he was saying, they did not make sense.
It was just random words that I was supposed to piece together.
And I'm like, you know, I don't speak that language anymore.
Like I speak complete sentences now.
So I've no I don't know how to piecemeal your language anymore.
But basically, he he said, cancer, Claire tried to get me.
Bless her heart.
I tried like saying that to like as a dig at you and me.
And I was like, cancer, Claire, why did he call me that?
And John is like, because you've had cancer.
And I was like, oh, like I was I'm thinking he's going to call me fat.
He's going to call me.
Yeah, Claire's like, oh, I'm ready for it.
Was he calling me fat?
Is he talking about my you know, whatever ugly did he say was a whore like like get
with the insults, bro.
Exactly.
Like at least pick on something that I actually feel bad about, like cancer.
Like, oh, like I can't like I asked for that.
Hey, you know, like you're right, buddy.
I just fuck you.
Yeah.
And so I kept thinking about it last night and I was like, oh, my God, that is so cancer.
Like she thought it was funny.
I didn't think it was funny.
She's like, I can't stop laughing about the cancer, Claire thing.
And I'm like, I really just think it pisses me off because that's not the first time he's
done that.
Like so.
So anybody that was close to me, like coworkers or friends, he would say something and like
and insult them and dig at them.
And that's how he would get under my skin.
And so one of the boundaries that I have when I was with him was you are not allowed to
make fun of or verbally abuse any of my friends or any of my family.
They are off the table.
Like come at me.
But my friends and my family are a no go.
And so, you know, when we were going through our divorce, he was extra big going extra
big on getting at my at my friends at work, you know, one that we've had on the show and
her husband and like people with integrity and kind people who supported him, you know,
behind his back, they would support him and him behind their back.
He was talking shit, mad shit about everybody.
And it was just really bothered me.
I think I think what you have to remember why it's funny to me is like I he is just
a mis like it's the only thing he could think of.
Yeah, that would like hurt people hurt people.
Right.
I guess.
See, all of us.
Excuse.
It's not a damn near 50 year old man like, bro.
Yeah, for real.
Right.
Yeah.
That's where you're going.
By the way, I'm pretty sure a very close family member of him is struggling with cancer right
now.
So for him to do that and say that, like, it just goes to prove to you like he really
has no emotions for other people.
I know.
It's weird.
It's weird when you when you look back at like those relationships like and it is hilarious
that I mean, it's all sorts of emotions.
But like when you look back at those relationships and every he's just a bitter bitch.
Yeah, he's always been a bitter bitch.
Absolutely.
And and so he had said something very evil, like very evil.
And I started to finally like the light bulb started clicking on like, I really think he
might be a narcissist.
And people I feel like throw that word around very loosely without really knowing what a
real narcissist looks like.
And so I asked his mother, you know, I said, have you ever had the feeling that Jeff might
be a narcissist?
And this is like, you know, her response.
Oh, honey.
Yes.
He's always been a narcissist.
He's always been that way.
She said it in the nicest, most matter of fact way.
I'm like, well, damn, I didn't know that.
What the hell?
I thought it was funny.
Right.
I thought he was joking.
You know, I didn't think he was being serious about half the shit that came out of his mouth
because it was extreme.
You know, right.
I thought it was like a shock value type thing.
But yeah, there's a line we do.
But you are right.
Like narcissist is one of those words that is thrown around a lot.
And like most people have some sense of narcissistic tendencies, I think, especially if you've
gone through like trauma in your life.
I think it's but a true narcissist, you, you kind of learn after the fact, really, because
they can be very charming, very persuasive.
They all are.
But they're good at their craft.
And it's the hardest person to lose.
And it's, I mean, the hardest person to leave.
And it's the hardest, I feel like social, like diagnosis that you can overcome.
Like, I don't know that you can.
I mean, when I was at therapy with my ex, she literally looked at me, I told you this
before and she said, you really should just leave him like, damn, in front of him.
She was like, Claire's done the work.
You're you're just it's not clicking to you.
It's not.
And he needed a specialist and you know, whatever.
But I think that's a do you think that that's something that's like, overtaking?
Do you think it's something that's not usually used?
It's just we're starting to talk about those emotional issues more.
That's very possible, too, because I know when I was growing up, that term was very
rarely used.
Right.
And I didn't use that word really growing up.
But that's definitely a thing.
Right.
It is.
I was trying to my sister sent me something about narcissism the other day that I was
going to look I was going to see if I could find it quick because how do you spell narcissist
NAR?
A R C I S S I.
It was something anyways, it was basically about how like all of those things stem from
childhood.
Like it's a learned trait in most children that they've had to learn.
Okay.
I don't know.
I'll have to find it and look at it and give it to you.
But anyways, I so next time I see him.
What?
Well, what you need to start doing is just carrying a butt plug in your satchel.
Oh my God.
I could do it to every time I could do.
I would.
I would do it to every then you could actually pull out a butt plug and be like, look, you
drop this.
Oh my God.
Or what if his air drops on and I could just start sending him.
Oh yeah.
Like men fat dick nudes.
Send them the inverted penis.
That reminds me of a funny story.
So speaking of the inverted penis, obsessed with this inverted penis.
Everybody.
I mean, the image is pretty exquisite, but anyway, dear God, I don't remember why I had
my phone open the other day.
Oh, Jordan was, I was trying to show Jordan something.
And so I was on my phone and I was looking for this file and something on my like Google
drive or something.
I'm struggling.
I don't mess with Google.
I don't know how to do Google, whatever.
And so he was helping me on my phone and somehow we got to the downloads and he's like, babe,
are you nervous that I might see something weird on your downloads?
And I'm like, I already know you're going to see weird stuff on my downloads.
Right.
So we just started like clicking through there.
Oh God.
And he was like, yes, it sure was.
It was like, it was one of the first things they clicked on.
And he's like, babe, you might be the weirdest woman I've ever encountered.
It's like the weirdest shit on my downloads.
I'll have to tell you some of them.
Let me go there.
I forget.
I don't even know how to find my downloads.
Damn it.
How do I even find them?
Do you find yourself doing that lately?
Like I haven't been able to get my face time to work.
I know that.
And I'm like, what am I doing wrong?
Like recently I am like, am I to that age where I, everything is evolving more than
I am.
And I'm like, Hey kids, will you come over and show your mother how to do Microsoft Word?
Oh man.
I seriously do not know how to find my damn downloads.
I think downloads are on, doesn't it?
Isn't it under like just screenshot?
Oh, like in my, in my album?
On your album.
Hmm.
Let me look.
I don't know.
I don't know either.
Shoot.
No, I know we do have some good ones because you know, our buddy, our buddy, Mikey, he,
we have a, a trifling trio group page where we are text where we send each other the most
ridiculous memes.
It's mainly Mike and John.
And then I send PG 13 memes and they're like, huh, good job, Claire.
Okay.
I found it.
So he, we clicked on this one first.
It's a picture of a, like a woman sticking her finger in a grapefruit.
Oh, because it's supposed to feel like what your vagina feels like.
I don't really know why that's on there.
I don't even remember why I looked at that.
Let's see.
But I don't even know how these items end up downloaded on my phone, but there are a
bunch of very, he knows is right there.
I have somebody's like Indiana jail arrest on there.
We have several busted from the busted page.
Yeah, we do.
I just, it's just a bunch of like random weird stuff.
Frothed milk.
I don't, I don't know.
Female urine, a urine out a urinal thing.
A female urinal thing.
Yeah.
One of those she we's where you can like, yeah, I have one of those.
I use it at concert because I don't like to sit where drunk chicks have been pissing.
Yeah.
See, I ordered one and I didn't order the go girl.
The go girl is silicone.
I ordered one that is like hard and plastic.
Okay.
And it comes with a little zipper pouch.
So I've used three different models of that.
Yeah.
Tell me which one's the best because I would love to do it for this summer.
I kind of like the disposable ones.
Oh, there are disposable.
There are disposable ones because if you think about it, I mean, it's something that you're
pissing in.
Right.
And you can wash it out with soap and that's fine.
But so for those of you who don't, you don't piss in it.
It's like a funnel.
It's a funnel.
So you, you basically like, I call it my penis attachment.
Yeah.
It looks like a penis.
Like it, it, it enables, enables you to be able to stand up peeing.
Correct.
So it's really good for like, for people who are like do skiing and stuff like that with
all that, those clothes on, like I've heard they use it if you're a sports person, like
you run track.
I like to take them kayaking because I do not, I cannot pee outside without pissing
all over myself.
It just happens every time.
So I use a Shewe and then it doesn't do that.
The Shewe.
So there's a disposable Shewe too.
There's disposable ones.
I like them because they are like, they're not the hard plastic because the hard plastic
one, I mean, you are not going to shape that around your cooter.
Right.
Yeah.
Whereas the other, the disposable one is more flexible and you can kind of like really apply
some pressure in there and it will, you know, it does.
I like the, I like it better.
Okay.
I don't like the hard funnel one.
Yeah.
No, that's the one.
I mean, I, I used it twice last year and it felt weird just even rinsing it out after.
Yeah.
Being like, and that's the thing too.
I'm like, Oh, people are going to know that I've just pissed in this and that's weird
that it's in my bag, but let me tell you this funny story that happened.
This was actually probably 15 years ago.
Maybe that's a stretch.
No, it was probably 15 years ago.
So this guy that I used to work with, Oh my God, there's all sorts.
Go ahead.
This guy used to work with told me he's like, my girlfriend can stand and pee all the time.
She's mastered it.
Blah, blah, blah.
I'm like, bullshit.
That's impossible.
You can't do that.
Girls can't do that.
And he's like, yeah, she can.
It's really simple.
And he explained to me how his girlfriend stands to pee.
Okay.
So what you do is you use both your hands and you lift up on your bladder and then you
push in and then you have control over where your piss goes.
And I'm like, that actually sounds like that might work.
I can see that working.
If you lift up with some pressure, lift your bladder up and then push inward, then for
some reason, like just shoots it all out and none of it goes dribbling down your leg.
So me being the curious person that I am, I'm like, well, next time I have to piss,
I'm going to give that a whirl.
You know?
And at this time I was working up at Grissom and I had to wear my Air Force uniform every
day.
So I was in my uniform.
So I go to the ladies' room, I pull my pants down and instead of sitting down like a lady,
I straddled the toilet seat like a man.
And I did exactly what he told me to do.
I lifted up on my bladder and I pushed in real hard and then I peed, shot out really hard
and it went straight down my leg into my pants.
I pissed myself trying to be like a dude.
It was so bad that I had to leave work and change my pants.
I left work.
Yeah, I took the rest of the day off.
I mean, I wasn't going to go around smelling like piss.
It surprises me that you don't know how to pee outside being grown up on a farm.
No.
Like, did you just go inside?
Yep.
We peed outside all the damn time.
Never peed outside like that.
I've always had this phobia bugs.
And I still to this day have phobia bugs and I always have this fear that something's going
to crawl up there.
Yeah, that's why I can't wear no underwear when I go to sleep.
I feel like a spider is going to.
So you only wear you put underwear on to go to bed?
Absolutely.
Really?
Always.
I didn't know that.
Because I don't want a critter crawling on a macouter.
Yeah, because like we have clean homes.
It's warm.
It's moist.
Right.
Why wouldn't it go there?
I'm so sorry for all of you who hate that M word too.
She looked at me so disgustingly when she said it.
She hates that word and I know it.
Okay, it's a damp dark hole.
Why wouldn't a bug want to go up there?
Probably smells good too.
Exactly.
All nice and warm and cuddly.
Nice safe place.
Right.
Exactly.
Can't nobody else get in there?
That's right.
That's why I keep my I keep pants on.
Right.
Oh my god.
So I can't even with you.
I don't know, man.
I just feel.
How do you feel about?
How do you feel?
Do you feel closure or do you just feel indifferent to it?
Oh, I don't care.
Okay.
I really know.
I mean, I never needed closure.
I had given closure to myself honestly when I was still married to him.
That's what I was curious about.
Yeah.
Like, so do you think next time you could just coexist, we can just coexist in the same
bar as him without even acknowledging?
Yeah, I won't.
I wouldn't even ignore.
I mean, it's whatever.
I would try to act like he wasn't there.
So I already foresee the future coming.
I already know what's going to happen next time.
Well, I hope there isn't a next time.
So I'll probably be with my big beefy boyfriend.
Exactly.
And I hope he punches him right in the lip.
I'm just kidding.
He's not aggressive.
He's not aggressive like that.
Girl.
But he would be if he had to be.
He's not aggressive like that.
He was like a whole ass green beret, bro.
And a Marine.
Yes, he is.
He's just real good at hiding.
He's a doll baby angel.
He is a doll baby angel.
Like I would be so attracted.
Like if Brad, oh my God.
If Brad punched somebody in the face.
Oh my God.
I would be like, OK.
OK.
OK, bro.
I go bust some ass.
We need some head busts.
The other thing that happened is our friend Leanne was on a date.
Yes she was.
And it seemed to like go good or whatever.
But Leanne was our girlfriend that was on here recently.
Yeah.
I'm actually posting her this week.
So good.
Yeah.
She was on a date and I did so good.
Not over.
I like I ignored them.
You did good.
I really did.
I was like.
She was not like pulling tricks in front of her table.
Right.
I went down.
I went outside to get a little bit of a breath and he came downstairs, down the stairs to
smoke cigarette.
And I looked at him and I was like, OK, well, I was out there talking to everybody and I
was like, OK, well, I got to go back inside.
And he goes, you're going to leave?
Just when I came out here, I was like, yeah, because trust me, you don't want me just yet.
Like you want to make sure you like her.
And then you can have me.
I did so good.
And I ran back upstairs.
I was like, Lee, I did so good.
I was like, I ignored him.
And she's like, I don't need you to ignore him, jackass.
OK, well, I don't know really either.
OK, we're trying to figure out a happy medium here.
Right.
So no, I'm proud of us.
I'm proud of you that you were Donna for a day.
And I'm proud of you.
I am too.
You made my mother so proud.
I really, really did.
I felt like it was like so her and her me.
Yeah.
Like telling me just do it.
Just do it one time for me.
And I mean, she was seriously smiling down.
Of course he really didn't give a shit.
No, he did.
He did.
Or he really did.
Oh, absolutely.
OK, good.
Because he knows he'd be doing that booty hole stuff.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
He knows he do booty hole stuff.
He was all mad.
He was mad.
So I tell you when you tell your friend stuff, I don't tell my friends that.
OK.
You're better than that?
No, I'm not.
You don't tell your friends stuff because you don't have any.
Right.
Who you going to tell?
The heir?
Geez.
For real.
For fucking real.
Guess why you don't tell your friends?
They gone.
They gone?
You was already mean to them too.
Right.
It's so true.
Like that that like most narcissists don't care
And I don't think he does I cared a little but he cares he cares that you know about his booty hole stuff
Yeah, and he's worried. I'll tell everybody I'm not that petty. No, we're gonna tell everybody on the internet
I know everybody listening. I mean, I don't
Say it to be mean either. It's no I mean, I know that's where the meal G spot is
Listen, that's what gets you. Yeah, okay. That's fine. I don't think it's I don't but my girlfriend's still gonna make a joke about you
Having a butt plug after you're mean to my friend. I won't do it. If like if that was your thing now
I'm not gonna do it. All right, you know, but if you fuck over one of my friends
I'm probably gonna bust you out in public
I just decided
I'm just saying cuz that felt really good. It did it really I felt like I got all my power back all of a sudden
Not that I lost it or anything, but man. I'm glad that it gave you that. Sorry
My dogs are just jumped on my lap. Usually they're in their kennel usually they're on me. You're empty. Come here
Yeah, they are
But I know you got to get away we just had to kind of jump on here kind of quickly
Yeah, I mean, I don't know what the I don't know what the
The lesson is here. I don't think there is one. I think else can just be entertained by just being attained
That was a freaking hilarious stories. You do dumb shit or sometimes you just gotta let something out and you can do it without punching
Somebody in the face, right? You can tell them they drop their butt plug. I
Mean it was so freaking epic
And he did look down like it was gonna be there. That was what was so funny
Yeah, that was that was the best part about the entire thing is it was almost like he was like
Oh, and they looked and he's like it clicked when he saw my face that I was not
You know like oh my god and the fact that yeah, and I was like
Did him like this eye to eye like which is awesome?
so
Maybe you could say that to my ex-husband if you see him out
Okay, did he dropped his butt plug or is there another intimate secret that would be more hilarious?
Like did was he in any kind of weird freak shit? No, no
Okay, I mean now
Hmm. I don't think so interesting
So we could just use a butt plug one. Okay. I don't know. We'll think of one. Okay, so
Yeah, we'll think about that. Yeah
Well until next time
Until next time
Send in some shit if you guys have ever said anything funny to your
Ex or if your best friend said something funny to your ex that that takes the cake
It does take the cake, especially if your best friend is nice. I'm nice
But bitch I wouldn't to him
Well, he just knew anyways, so yeah, but we hope you guys have a good week. Yes. Have a fantastic
Have a fantastic next week. I'm going on vacay. Hell. Yeah, so
Kind of a vacation bread has to work every day, but at least we'll be in the sunshine. That's right
So where sunscreen I will I know I already just ordered a bunch of stuff cuz I'm cancer clear. Oh my god
I should just make a bunch of shirts that say that
Just leave a hashtag answer Claire just leave it in the car. And if I see him just wear it
That's the type of weird shit I do I am overthinking
Okay, anyways, well, I love you. Jonna and I've got your back forever
Appreciate you appreciate you. So y'all have a good week. Bye
Hey, bye. Bye Wow. Bye. Bye