1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:06,600 Hello, welcome to another episode of Unpacking Neuroqueerness. 2 00:00:06,600 --> 00:00:16,560 Today I have my friend X back on the podcast and we are going to do a holiday special episode, 3 00:00:16,560 --> 00:00:23,640 basically tips for surviving the holidays as neurodivergent people in this very neurotypical 4 00:00:23,640 --> 00:00:24,960 world. 5 00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:31,940 So the first thing we wanted to talk about today is present problems around giving and 6 00:00:31,940 --> 00:00:33,520 receiving gifts. 7 00:00:33,520 --> 00:00:41,080 I think receiving gifts, I would say, is one of the most challenging things and I've heard 8 00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:44,500 this from other autistic people as well. 9 00:00:44,500 --> 00:00:50,960 The fact that, you know, understandably like people put in a lot of effort, like you know 10 00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:58,240 that people put in a lot of effort into a gift and so a lot of times seeing your reaction 11 00:00:58,240 --> 00:01:05,040 to the gift is really important to them and for a lot of autistic people our reactions, 12 00:01:05,040 --> 00:01:11,920 our facial expressions don't always match our emotion and sometimes we take, for those 13 00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:17,160 with processing delays, we can take extra time to process the gift, even if we really 14 00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:18,160 like it. 15 00:01:18,160 --> 00:01:24,360 It's not easily misunderstood or misinterpreted, like people can assume we don't like a gift. 16 00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:30,280 It's happened to me even where I've told someone, oh I really like this and the person 17 00:01:30,280 --> 00:01:34,080 and is like, oh I'm glad you liked it and then two or three minutes later because I 18 00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:38,980 don't know, either because maybe I wasn't excited enough or they were self-conscious 19 00:01:38,980 --> 00:01:43,320 for another reason, they'll ask me again if I liked the gift. 20 00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:47,440 I enjoy giving people presents but I've seen other people give, say, me presents and for 21 00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:50,840 them whether they like it or not, it's about self-gratification. 22 00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:55,640 They need the dopamine, even if they're neurotypical of being like, yeah I did well and if you're 23 00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:57,880 not doing it in a way they're expecting. 24 00:01:57,880 --> 00:02:02,800 They also get nervous, I mean this is one of the few things that unites everyone around 25 00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:07,680 the holidays is there's so many unnecessary social rules, not just for neurodiverts but 26 00:02:07,680 --> 00:02:12,000 for neurotypicals and everyone's constantly kind of assessing where they're at and what 27 00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:18,960 they're doing and whether the present is good, it's a lot of stress to be perfect annually. 28 00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:23,120 Presents are a huge manifestation of that because they set the tone for the rest of 29 00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:24,120 the day. 30 00:02:24,120 --> 00:02:26,840 Most people they open presents in the morning. 31 00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:31,680 You start off with watching everyone open something that say you've spent a lot of time 32 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:35,440 researching or you didn't spend a lot of time researching, you just hoped it worked out 33 00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:40,720 and so after that there's not much else in terms of tasks for you to do. 34 00:02:40,720 --> 00:02:45,040 So I think everyone would fixate a tiny bit, it's almost like a test of self worth, did 35 00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:47,400 I know this person well enough, did I care enough? 36 00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:48,400 Yeah. 37 00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:50,160 To anyone's head, it's not just you. 38 00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:56,840 Yeah I can sense, I know that it's really important for them to be quote, so called 39 00:02:56,840 --> 00:02:58,880 successful maybe with the gift. 40 00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:02,880 Why not quickly, that's not the point of gift giving, gift giving is not a competition. 41 00:03:02,880 --> 00:03:06,560 I wish, this is my own personal opinion, just give a gift because you think someone will 42 00:03:06,560 --> 00:03:07,560 like it. 43 00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:09,920 They will like it in the way they like it or they won't like it, you tried. 44 00:03:09,920 --> 00:03:13,160 Can we stop making gift giving a competition, it's really annoying. 45 00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:14,160 Anyway continue. 46 00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:20,080 Yeah, no I, yeah because it's like I know that it's, some people get really caught up 47 00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:25,480 in it and end up, I don't know if they think of it as a competition, I mean some people 48 00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:30,840 might, I want to show them that I like the gift but it feels like, I don't know, it's 49 00:03:30,840 --> 00:03:37,720 like either I have to go on like a three minute speech about like the way I interpret things 50 00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:44,800 sometimes and the way I process things and all that and give like a monologue about neurodiversity. 51 00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:49,280 It's tricky because I have to like just remind them every couple minutes that I like, I don't 52 00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:50,280 know. 53 00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:53,840 That's the thing is that you, I mean it's, you're right in the feeling, the pressure 54 00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:58,760 you feel to perform a certain way because you can sense someone's anxious about something 55 00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:03,400 is something that unfortunately you as a neurodivergent person will have to unlearn and continue 56 00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:05,720 to unlearn your entire life, right. 57 00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:09,640 That's the difficulty for us neurodivergent people is that we can sense that some of us 58 00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:15,560 can and there's times in our lives where it's, we have to assuage those people's anxieties 59 00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:20,640 in order to get by and other times, especially for an adult around other adults, you can 60 00:04:20,640 --> 00:04:25,880 tell them you like the presence and if they keep asking for reassurance that's just annoying. 61 00:04:25,880 --> 00:04:31,960 They are adults, they might have their own views, however if they know you well enough 62 00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:36,960 then they should just take that at face value and if they do have issues with that and you're 63 00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:41,240 not close enough to have a conversation where you can take them aside and say I really like 64 00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:44,920 the present but at this point you know you asking me about the present all the time is 65 00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:47,520 actually making it less enjoyable. 66 00:04:47,520 --> 00:04:48,520 Yeah exactly yeah. 67 00:04:48,520 --> 00:04:52,280 I did really like the present, I still really like the present. 68 00:04:52,280 --> 00:04:58,080 I think I would continue to enjoy it more if you didn't keep asking me because I want 69 00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:02,520 you to feel good about the fact that I like it but I can't keep liking it if you're anxious. 70 00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:05,840 Yeah yeah well because then I'm gonna be anxious. 71 00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:10,560 Exactly and everyone just wants to have a good time and I think if you present that 72 00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:15,320 to people in a way where it's us against the problem which is Christmas trauma versus me 73 00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:20,680 versus you and the present it clarifies a lot of positions for people especially during 74 00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:22,160 a stressful time. 75 00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:28,000 No I think that works, I think if it gets to a point where I can sense that there's 76 00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:35,400 still discomfort and like misunderstanding then I would probably I mean now I'm more 77 00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:41,600 comfortable with explaining these things, communication styles and neurodiversity and 78 00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:46,640 such I think in the past two or three years ago I may have not. 79 00:05:46,640 --> 00:05:51,440 What would you have done in that situation if you had not had this information that you 80 00:05:51,440 --> 00:05:52,440 now have? 81 00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:57,980 Usually I would just probably obsess over the whole thing for a few days and then eventually 82 00:05:57,980 --> 00:05:58,980 forget it. 83 00:05:58,980 --> 00:06:03,400 It's just it would always be a little stressful if I thought someone didn't think that I 84 00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:08,560 liked their gift even though I did but now it's better because I know that if I really 85 00:06:08,560 --> 00:06:09,560 need to I mean. 86 00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:10,560 It's not your responsibility. 87 00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:11,560 Yeah. 88 00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:16,560 If you say if you like it and again this is someone who is an adult. 89 00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:22,760 If they then need you to perform that knowing that who you are in a way that isn't actually 90 00:06:22,760 --> 00:06:27,480 helping you enjoy the gift or the holiday then that's about them and which can create 91 00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:31,400 some tension if they're not happy with that reality or unwilling to admit it. 92 00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:35,480 But to hear that you feel as you go through this over and over again that you not care 93 00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:37,920 a bit less but you have a better kind of. 94 00:06:37,920 --> 00:06:38,920 Yeah. 95 00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:40,320 Sense of self throughout these situations. 96 00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:45,440 I think ultimately it is just one facet of unmasking. 97 00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:53,080 I guess it comes from the trauma of masking the whole like worrying too much about other 98 00:06:53,080 --> 00:07:00,440 people's perceptions but then I also you know it also helps to have more understanding of 99 00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:06,160 where this all comes from because then because then I also have the option if I want to I 100 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:11,640 have the option of talking to them about it but ultimately that the goal is I don't know 101 00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:17,160 if you feel this way too like if you think it's also a consequence of masking but that 102 00:07:17,160 --> 00:07:23,760 I've been wanting to that I'm trying to like remind myself that I don't need to prioritize 103 00:07:23,760 --> 00:07:26,200 other people's feelings over myself. 104 00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:31,520 I agree and I think especially during the holidays it's a time where everyone is supposed 105 00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:36,480 to sacrifice their own well-being for the sake of tradition whatever that tradition 106 00:07:36,480 --> 00:07:37,480 is. 107 00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:41,760 Gift-giving is just a facet of that and I think again as an ADHD woman the annoying thing 108 00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:46,560 about gift-giving is one I really enjoy it not for myself because I really enjoy giving 109 00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:52,480 people presents and part of that has to do with my Russian grandmother who is probably 110 00:07:52,480 --> 00:07:55,640 autistic might have ADHD but probably autistic. 111 00:07:55,640 --> 00:08:01,280 I think she survived and continues to survive living in Russia as an autistic woman mostly 112 00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:03,920 through her own charisma. 113 00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:07,840 She just sort of goes well this is not the way I like it so I'm just not going to do 114 00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:11,640 it with a smile on her face she just doesn't she's like oh this doesn't work for me oh 115 00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:13,640 well and then she moves on. 116 00:08:13,640 --> 00:08:19,880 And people stare at her in wonder but with presents she figured out quite quickly I think 117 00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:24,880 at a young age that giving presents is a great way to show how you feel about someone without 118 00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:25,880 having to tell them. 119 00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:31,840 So she'll put a lot of thought into things her thing is jewelry and semi-precious stones 120 00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:36,920 anytime she gives the most beautiful jewelry she never had a daughter so mom and I get 121 00:08:36,920 --> 00:08:41,200 lots and lots of gorgeous jewelry and she knows the jewelers and she picks them out 122 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:45,280 and we get them and they have little names of each stone on them so that we can add them 123 00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:50,320 to our collection and her advice to me when I was a kid because I used to do this with 124 00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:55,120 her all the time when I was little is go pick out presents for people and she said if some 125 00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:59,440 part of you doesn't want it unless it's like a very specific thing that person has asked 126 00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:04,240 you to get them that's not really your taste if you're getting someone something and there's 127 00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:09,760 no small part of you that doesn't kind of want that present it's not a good present. 128 00:09:09,760 --> 00:09:14,720 Unless it's you know something very specific to them but if you're getting them something 129 00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:19,760 that you know you have a certain taste and they share that taste and you don't covet 130 00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:24,400 it in a way if you don't kind of want it for yourself it's not a great gift. 131 00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:26,040 To give or just like to receive? 132 00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:27,040 To give. 133 00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:28,040 Oh I see. 134 00:09:28,040 --> 00:09:31,400 Again people have different kinds of tastes and someone has very different taste from 135 00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:33,920 you that's different right? 136 00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:38,000 But if you know there's something that you share or you appreciate you both appreciate 137 00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:41,760 and there's no part of you that doesn't want to kind of keep it for yourself. 138 00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:44,480 Oh I see. 139 00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:48,560 So that would be like in the realm of a similar interest. 140 00:09:48,560 --> 00:09:53,040 Yeah in the realm of a similar interest or you know even if it's not something you enjoy 141 00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:57,880 you put so much love into you know finding this for someone that kind of the goal is 142 00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:00,040 to get them excited about it. 143 00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:01,040 Yeah. 144 00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:03,760 I learned about present giving through that it wasn't about people's reactions necessarily 145 00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:04,760 to it. 146 00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:08,320 The joy was not even giving it to them it was researching it. 147 00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:13,000 So if I was to give you a present I actually as long as you like it and you tell me that 148 00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:17,920 I don't care about any other reaction because I'm just the joy of doing the research and 149 00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:21,600 the finding it and being like I wonder what this person will like or seeing something 150 00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:25,720 throughout the year and going oh that reminds me of that person instead of buying it all 151 00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:27,680 in bulk which some people do. 152 00:10:27,680 --> 00:10:31,560 There's a joy in kind of remembering things that you like about people or things that 153 00:10:31,560 --> 00:10:36,280 brought you joy about other people which is how I'm trying to see gift giving generally 154 00:10:36,280 --> 00:10:39,200 rather than this huge capitalist mess. 155 00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:41,840 Whatever the happy thing they remind you of is give it to them. 156 00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:47,360 Yeah I can see that because I have felt that where I have given gifts that have been very 157 00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:53,840 satisfying and it was something that I remember thinking like oh I would I could see myself 158 00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:59,760 getting this for myself too and then that was like it does make you feel more confident 159 00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:03,680 I think like or just I don't know for me it made me feel better. 160 00:11:03,680 --> 00:11:06,320 I would like this if I were gifted this. 161 00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:07,320 Yeah. 162 00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:11,760 Another issue is that especially when I was much younger that kind of present giving philosophy 163 00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:17,040 didn't get me into trouble so much but I think when I was maybe six eight ten it did freak 164 00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:22,240 out some of my friends because I would notice what they liked without them specifically 165 00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:26,440 telling me and then I'd give it to them and I think their kids and I was a kid and they 166 00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:30,200 didn't know how to see what the feeling was she knows too much about me. 167 00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:34,040 It might seem too intimate that I gave them something that they dreamt about but never 168 00:11:34,040 --> 00:11:39,240 told me about you know or that they wanted a poem with something and then I wrote it 169 00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:43,440 because I could just I just knew them and they didn't know how to react because it would 170 00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:47,520 it crossed a boundary for them not because I was being rude or inappropriate but because 171 00:11:47,520 --> 00:11:50,920 they hadn't actually told me and they didn't know how I knew. 172 00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:56,720 I wanted it because I was picking up on other things right so how does she know this this 173 00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:57,720 is weird. 174 00:11:57,720 --> 00:12:02,000 Especially if you're a divergent you pick up on those unspoken signs that seem like 175 00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:05,280 subtext to everyone else but to you are just text. 176 00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:09,600 Yeah and you think that person knows that and you give them something or even you tell 177 00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:14,400 them something a compliment and you can see them go no one's ever told me that I've always 178 00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:18,720 wanted someone to tell me that how on earth do they know this I was not prepared. 179 00:12:18,720 --> 00:12:22,000 Yeah yeah I can see that happen. 180 00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:26,960 Other struggle the last I get not the last but one of the other big struggles for me 181 00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:32,120 with ADHD is I get told off for this all the time by my partner I will figure out what 182 00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:34,080 the person is before you give it to me. 183 00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:35,080 Wow. 184 00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:39,960 It's been a struggle because I just can tell I don't have to see it I'm is it this they're 185 00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:44,000 like why are you guessing this is not fair but again it's the same thing it's kind of 186 00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:48,760 a predicting what other people are doing or trying to understand how other people think 187 00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:52,880 in order to relate to them whether you're out of the circle in HD. 188 00:12:52,880 --> 00:12:57,440 I spend a lot of my time figuring out oh this is how this person sees the world so this 189 00:12:57,440 --> 00:13:00,840 is how I can relate to them so that my brain makes more sense to them. 190 00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:04,880 So giving is an extension of that most of the time I can figure out what they're gonna 191 00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:05,880 give me. 192 00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:09,200 I've learned as I've gotten older that it's not a game the same game. 193 00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:12,160 People don't like it when they tell me oh it's good. 194 00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:13,160 Yeah interesting. 195 00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:17,720 I get it for myself before they can give it to me a month before and you can sort of see 196 00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:19,920 them go oh dear. 197 00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:27,680 Yeah yeah I think that it's interesting because I I feel like it's always I think people that 198 00:13:27,680 --> 00:13:33,240 don't know me as well I can kind of predict what they're gonna get me because they're 199 00:13:33,240 --> 00:13:37,160 just gonna pick okay I'm really I'm talking a lot about whether they're gonna get me something 200 00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:41,640 weather related talking a lot about neurodiversity they're gonna get me something neurodiversity 201 00:13:41,640 --> 00:13:42,640 related. 202 00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:47,680 I still really appreciate it because it is like they are they're staying tuned they're 203 00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:50,040 tuned into what I'm talking about and stuff. 204 00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:54,840 Does it ever make you feel a bit two dimensional because sometimes I do get that. 205 00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:56,440 Sometimes it does. 206 00:13:56,440 --> 00:14:01,480 Sometimes especially I think that happens when it's like if it's the similar kind of 207 00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:08,160 gift around the similar interest every year then it feels like I don't know then it then 208 00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:13,880 it feels like they're not it's like they think that I only like this one thing. 209 00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:17,440 They don't really think more about you as a person. 210 00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:24,160 Exactly exactly exactly like I could see that happening like oh you think I'm me feeling 211 00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:29,240 like you think I'm I'm just the guy that talks about neurodiversity or I'm just the guy that 212 00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:30,480 likes weather. 213 00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:35,360 There's so much more like I have a lot of other interests and like things and but I 214 00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:41,640 think it also like I understand I really do understand when it's someone that I haven't 215 00:14:41,640 --> 00:14:46,840 had contact with in a while because they just they wouldn't be able to know what all the 216 00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:50,480 different things I'm into and they just want to get something that I like. 217 00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:55,920 So like I don't blame them either but it is something that sometimes if it happens with 218 00:14:55,920 --> 00:15:01,400 one person particularly if it's someone closer to me that doesn't feel great sometimes I 219 00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:02,400 guess. 220 00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:06,800 I get that feeling when it's friends of people I'm close to that are really close to them 221 00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:12,800 because they'll pretend to be really interested in what I'm doing and what I'm saying. 222 00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:18,160 There is a window of getting to know someone at least for neurotypicals where they've taken 223 00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:22,760 all the information from this period of time and then after that you're just a static being 224 00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:24,080 you're not allowed to change. 225 00:15:24,080 --> 00:15:25,080 Yeah. 226 00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:29,560 Whether true or not it's probably not but that it can feel that way when you're not 227 00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:32,720 diverging around the receiving end of it. 228 00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:38,880 It feels like they just stop taking in information about it or it all gets skewed to one bias 229 00:15:38,880 --> 00:15:41,040 and I don't quite understand that. 230 00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:44,600 I mean I understand why they do it because it's easier to not think about people in that 231 00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:45,600 way. 232 00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:48,800 I don't have an option because my brain doesn't work that way but it also brings out the issue 233 00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:53,520 of with the presence it depends if you're someone who struggles socially with that. 234 00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:57,720 You have office presence how much you're supposed to spend on those usually those have a cap 235 00:15:57,720 --> 00:15:59,600 which is helpful. 236 00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:04,120 Professional presence, presence for in-laws there's so many different social constructs 237 00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:05,120 that you have to deal with. 238 00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:06,120 Yeah. 239 00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:07,120 Even neurotypical people struggle with. 240 00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:12,120 Is this too formal or will they think I didn't think about this much if I just give them 241 00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:13,120 a candle. 242 00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:16,120 Most people like candles just make sure it's the right scent. 243 00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:19,120 Candles are always a good shout if it's roots. 244 00:16:19,120 --> 00:16:23,640 You know a small tangent I have one of my good friends has asthma I've never given her 245 00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:27,640 a candle but when she comes over I occasionally forget she has asthma and I do ask her to 246 00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:31,640 smell things and she looks at me and she goes I can't smell shit I'm like oh my god I'm 247 00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:32,640 so sorry. 248 00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:33,640 It happens repeatedly. 249 00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:40,160 She's one of my best friends she's like I cannot smell anything I'm like I'm sorry. 250 00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:43,160 The end of the year everyone's a bit sad. 251 00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:47,760 Some people are a bit sad and it's dark and it's why these kinds of holiday traditions 252 00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:48,760 crop up. 253 00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:53,440 You know and there's a lot of pressure on waking up being in a good mood. 254 00:16:53,440 --> 00:17:00,200 Having to be in a good mood around people that you may not necessarily spend a lot of 255 00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:01,200 time with. 256 00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:02,200 It's time asking for everything. 257 00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:03,200 For neurodivergent people. 258 00:17:03,200 --> 00:17:10,680 Which is why I do hope that this episode is helpful for not just neurodivergent people 259 00:17:10,680 --> 00:17:17,080 but neurotypical people because I don't know whether the neurotypicals have as many strategies 260 00:17:17,080 --> 00:17:20,680 for surviving cognitively other than drinking. 261 00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:25,720 It feels like sometimes they might have to do some thinking too but they fall into it 262 00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:26,960 very easily. 263 00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:34,120 I guess they absorb these norms and everything better or more efficiently and they can kind 264 00:17:34,120 --> 00:17:39,560 of get it where after a while where I feel like I'm still kind of lost. 265 00:17:39,560 --> 00:17:42,720 I think it feels like for me it's even more effort. 266 00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:46,840 I'd be interested to hear from neurotypical listeners what that is. 267 00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:50,880 If anyone wants to write in send you an email you can write it in the description notes. 268 00:17:50,880 --> 00:17:55,480 Whether or not you take that time to strategize and take yourself out of the situation. 269 00:17:55,480 --> 00:17:57,080 I think that's what we do. 270 00:17:57,080 --> 00:18:02,160 We have to go there has to be an approach to things especially when it's again every 271 00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:05,240 year the same people doing the same things. 272 00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:07,760 And it also turns out differently. 273 00:18:07,760 --> 00:18:12,320 But you know it's the strategy where you go well I know that this person gets drunk at 274 00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:15,440 5pm and then they start saying really rude things. 275 00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:21,680 So it's good to get them water at 2pm, food at this time and have them have a nap so that 276 00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:25,040 then they don't keep drinking they have a nap and then they'll actually be okay by the 277 00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:26,360 time they go swimming in carols. 278 00:18:26,360 --> 00:18:28,400 That kind of thing right. 279 00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:32,920 And I know a lot of you know specifically women are the people who are tasked with having 280 00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:34,960 to figure out these family dynamics. 281 00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:39,200 It's also the self preservation of if I decide to go on a bath and break during this and 282 00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:41,840 this time usually no one will notice. 283 00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:46,720 How much of that is happening as a cognitive completely conscious thought rather than just 284 00:18:46,720 --> 00:18:51,120 a subconscious understanding of well this is uncomfortable I'm just going to go somewhere 285 00:18:51,120 --> 00:18:52,120 else. 286 00:18:52,120 --> 00:18:56,120 Interesting to hear if anyone wants to write in the kind of differences whether how do 287 00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:58,600 you think about these things. 288 00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:01,800 Yeah I see myself picking up on people's patterns. 289 00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:09,600 I do observe patterns a lot just naturally without even trying to or noticing that I 290 00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:10,600 am. 291 00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:16,000 I'm describing it probably the way someone who is autistic would. 292 00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:20,840 As someone with ADHD my experience has been probably a mix of how some neurotypical people 293 00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:25,840 deal with Christmas and someone who is autistic deals with Christmas because it's very socially 294 00:19:25,840 --> 00:19:29,480 conditioned to be the lubricant during these kinds of things. 295 00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:34,400 It's me and the alcohol, it's me and people talking to me and me having to be friendly. 296 00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:38,720 I enjoy talking to them and I don't think I think about it probably as cognitively as 297 00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:39,720 say you would. 298 00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:40,720 I think yeah. 299 00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:47,320 Because my father is autistic I do think I've had to grow up thinking about them so that 300 00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:50,920 either you know I can check in on him at certain times because if I can figure out how he's 301 00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:54,920 thinking then I can make sure no one in the room is a meltdown. 302 00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:58,440 My position was having to feel like I'm not saying it was my job because that's unfair 303 00:19:58,440 --> 00:20:03,160 but feeling like it was I had to manage the neurotypicals and the neurodivergence. 304 00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:08,200 Which is not necessarily true but that is definitely kind of the pressure I felt when 305 00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:10,160 I was younger. 306 00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:15,640 I don't know if this is like going back a little bit but how do you feel about asking 307 00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:20,720 people or like if people ask you because one thing that's been helpful for me with the 308 00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:28,320 whole gift receiving complex is when I tell people ahead of time like I actually really 309 00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:32,720 like it sometimes they ask me what I want and I'm like yes I can just tell them what 310 00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:38,480 I want or I'll tell them and it just because I know like I've heard that in certain cultures 311 00:20:38,480 --> 00:20:44,200 like certain people can get they might not like it or it can come across the wrong way 312 00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:50,040 if you ask for a certain gift ahead of time but for me it's really helpful because it 313 00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:55,800 makes me a lot more relaxed because I know I feel like it helps me and them because it 314 00:20:55,800 --> 00:21:00,880 helps me know like okay good they're gonna get me something that I like and that I really 315 00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:05,800 want and I'm not gonna have to fake a reaction or worry about them thinking I didn't like 316 00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:10,880 it and oh my god and the guilt and everything and it helps them because then they're like 317 00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:16,080 oh okay this is what this person wants this is what they like I can get them this and 318 00:21:16,080 --> 00:21:20,120 they're gonna like it and I don't have to worry about like oh did they like it or not. 319 00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:26,120 Well one from my actual experience my family has always asked each other what they want 320 00:21:26,120 --> 00:21:30,920 for a big present if there's something that someone has in mind that's really big usually 321 00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:35,160 we'll have to remind each other to tell each other what we want and if there is nothing 322 00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:40,200 then we go is are there options that you know you wanted us with gift cards to places for 323 00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:44,280 the bigger present and that's there's something we have in mind that we know that person really 324 00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:49,840 like. One of the benefits like also of having a bigger present and smaller other gifts is 325 00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:54,000 that it doesn't ruin the surprise which is I think why some people find someone asking 326 00:21:54,000 --> 00:22:00,240 them for presents a bit annoying because they want this surprise or they feel it's a bit 327 00:22:00,240 --> 00:22:06,040 restrictive or someone asks without context so they're like why are you asking me my advice 328 00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:11,120 and what my family's been doing is asking at some point unless we have a gift already 329 00:22:11,120 --> 00:22:15,760 in mind for them do you know what you want or the ballpark of what you do want we get 330 00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:21,120 them small other things that could be surprises that aren't as high stakes. Do you think that 331 00:22:21,120 --> 00:22:26,600 some people might interpret it like if I were to ask them oh like can you get me this gift 332 00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:31,480 for Christmas or whatnot is it a thing or have you experienced it with people where 333 00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:37,400 they get upset because or they you know of course maybe they don't say it but that it 334 00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:44,000 seems like they're upset because they think that you're wanting gifts and that it's like 335 00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:48,680 you're not supposed to want because I've been I've been told that in certain cultures or 336 00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:55,400 with certain people that like you're supposed to not want gifts but but then it's like that's 337 00:22:55,400 --> 00:23:01,240 what drives me crazy because then it's like oh I so I'm supposed to not want this but 338 00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:05,840 then I'm also like supposed to really like it. You shouldn't want it but you should be 339 00:23:05,840 --> 00:23:11,560 grateful when you have it. It's like oh that's not a great philosophy for life over time. 340 00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:15,880 It's good to you know not expect certain things but it also puts you in the position where 341 00:23:15,880 --> 00:23:20,960 you feel you don't or can't ask for things that you actually want or need. I think in 342 00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:26,560 terms of the gift giving context specific so if you were to walk around with someone 343 00:23:26,560 --> 00:23:29,440 you don't have a relationship where you can walk around and go oh by the way I really 344 00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:34,320 want this not everyone might really be accepting of something that's so direct or if out of 345 00:23:34,320 --> 00:23:38,600 the blue you say I would like this for Christmas again if they don't know you very well that's 346 00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:43,480 going to seem like an on sequitur to them. I see. So it is context specific. Yeah. If 347 00:23:43,480 --> 00:23:49,200 it's July and you don't know the person very well and you're anticipating in your head 348 00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:53,240 the idea of Christmas and you see something in a window and go oh I'd like that for Christmas 349 00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:57,800 by the way. I think that would take most people by surprise. Even me I would probably be slightly 350 00:23:57,800 --> 00:24:03,240 surprised. I'd roll with it but I'd be slightly surprised. Whereas it again depends on your 351 00:24:03,240 --> 00:24:07,520 relationship with the person how well they know you what conversation is happening at 352 00:24:07,520 --> 00:24:11,720 the time and even if say it is in the middle of summer and you're seeing something nice 353 00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:16,360 and your birthday is really fast or something. Oh I really like this and they look at you 354 00:24:16,360 --> 00:24:20,720 and go you know you can kind of coil and go you know so you don't have to do Christmas 355 00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:24,720 with people later but that's a nicer way of putting it rather than you know it's kind 356 00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:31,720 of hung in cheek sort of. Yeah. That's a social construct there's a sort of flirtation with 357 00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:37,680 the idea of will you get me a thing if I want it which is weird it's socially weird and 358 00:24:37,680 --> 00:24:42,080 it's okay to find that weird because it's bizarre. Yeah it would definitely feel like 359 00:24:42,080 --> 00:24:47,080 I know that that's how a lot of people do it. As people who are very aware or learning 360 00:24:47,080 --> 00:24:52,560 to be more aware about how we mask you know it's about again I think creating space for 361 00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:58,560 neurotypicals to realize how they mask. We can kindly give them space to figure it out 362 00:24:58,560 --> 00:25:04,160 once we figure ourselves out instead of trying to battle it through. The holidays are maybe 363 00:25:04,160 --> 00:25:13,600 one time of year where neurotypical people get a little glimpse of what it's like to 364 00:25:13,600 --> 00:25:20,200 be a high masking neurodivergent person in society. In some ways it's helpful to think 365 00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:27,440 of it instead of as a test for you as a neurodivergent person more of a sort of I've had to you know 366 00:25:27,440 --> 00:25:33,640 learn these skills to deal with the situation in a certain way and they might be super helpful 367 00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:40,040 for someone who hasn't had to get through it this way. It's less a test it's more of 368 00:25:40,040 --> 00:25:46,640 an opportunity to share things so that this happens less often. True yeah exactly. I think 369 00:25:46,640 --> 00:25:52,560 also like another thing social media I mean everything this time of year like I think 370 00:25:52,560 --> 00:26:00,960 there is a lot of toxic positivity on social media in general most of the year but I feel 371 00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:06,760 like this time of year it gets heightened it's like yeah. The amount of dogs in sweaters 372 00:26:06,760 --> 00:26:12,600 that they don't want to be in is insane. Oh my god yeah. Yes they all ask you for help. 373 00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:16,600 I mean listen some of the animals that are putting sweaters have no fur or are very small 374 00:26:16,600 --> 00:26:20,200 it should not be in cold environments and that is a caveat that we will put out on this 375 00:26:20,200 --> 00:26:25,760 podcast now. Some of them need the sweaters but I use that as a metaphor for the rest 376 00:26:25,760 --> 00:26:31,480 of the photo because that animal does not know what a photograph is. That animal does 377 00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:36,480 not want to be in a sweater most of the time. That animal does not want to sit down and 378 00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:41,560 most people in that photo do not hire. It's being honest. The baby that was crying the 379 00:26:41,560 --> 00:26:46,240 newborn that someone is having to make googly eyes at behind the cameras just so that the 380 00:26:46,240 --> 00:26:50,480 look at the camera does not want to look at the camera. There are certain families where 381 00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:57,000 it's done because it's to make everyone look a certain way because they know it's not the 382 00:26:57,000 --> 00:27:01,240 way it actually is and that comes from abusive families and that is an intentional thing. 383 00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:06,560 Be happy because you have to be. I think for most people it's the sense of we just have 384 00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:10,200 to get through this. It's stressful, it's loud, it's cold, there's babies. Everyone's 385 00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:14,920 in one place at the same time. We want to feel like everything's okay because we need 386 00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:20,120 the validation of everyone else to feel like it's okay when really everyone else is feeling 387 00:27:20,120 --> 00:27:27,120 just as shitty as you do. I feel like it also gets pumped. Another thing I noticed this 388 00:27:27,120 --> 00:27:35,240 time of year is the Christmas music. Oh no. Everywhere, every store. It's this constant 389 00:27:35,240 --> 00:27:42,200 reminder to, well not only a reminder to consume because I think that's a big part of it for 390 00:27:42,200 --> 00:27:49,920 the stores. It's a Coca Cola Christmas, absolutely. It's also the forced jolliness. It's like 391 00:27:49,920 --> 00:27:56,920 stores also move during the holidays more often. It takes longer to find things in a 392 00:27:56,920 --> 00:28:02,840 store. Yeah, true. I'm sure it's on purpose. It's meant to make you walk around the store 393 00:28:02,840 --> 00:28:06,800 for longer to buy more things and listen to music more, all of that. It's a capitalist 394 00:28:06,800 --> 00:28:13,800 construct but the stress of being tired and overwhelmed by everything during the winter 395 00:28:13,800 --> 00:28:18,440 and then going in and trying to find something that you usually know where it is and then 396 00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:23,680 having to circle around while Santa Baby is playing in the background. Oh my god. Or 397 00:28:23,680 --> 00:28:30,280 poor, or anyone who works in hospitality, anyone who works in retail, anything. The 398 00:28:30,280 --> 00:28:35,560 forced merriment I have to see on their faces having to deal with drunk customers, annoying 399 00:28:35,560 --> 00:28:42,000 customers while wearing reindeer antlers on their head. It's also the stress of watching 400 00:28:42,000 --> 00:28:48,680 people who are obviously not happy but have to be, or pretend to be, or have to mask their 401 00:28:48,680 --> 00:28:55,360 fashion in order to get paid. For me, that takes a toll too because it's painful to watch. 402 00:28:55,360 --> 00:29:01,840 And if you're around family who are also non-divergent and don't know it and have been telling themselves 403 00:29:01,840 --> 00:29:07,120 that they're not dealing with it well to hear that on you, there's a whole generational 404 00:29:07,120 --> 00:29:12,240 trauma aspect to the holidays. And hopefully that's becoming less and less as people know 405 00:29:12,240 --> 00:29:16,560 more about the neurodivergent issues they had when it was because they had neurodivergent 406 00:29:16,560 --> 00:29:22,880 parents who didn't know it. But there's a lot of food, value, trouble, whether neurodivergent 407 00:29:22,880 --> 00:29:28,320 or not simply because it's people you may not choose to spend time with on a regular 408 00:29:28,320 --> 00:29:36,000 basis. We want to all love our family, not everyone has that choice. And also a lot of 409 00:29:36,000 --> 00:29:42,400 these people, unfortunately, which I probably would be friends with most of my family, my 410 00:29:42,400 --> 00:29:47,680 extended family, which is why I'm so glad that you're now my step cousin something. 411 00:29:47,680 --> 00:29:55,040 So I choose to spend time with them, but not everyone has that option. If you met this 412 00:29:55,040 --> 00:29:59,120 person on the street randomly, they probably wouldn't want to keep talking to you. And 413 00:29:59,120 --> 00:30:03,680 so then you're supposed to also be happy on top of all of that. 414 00:30:03,680 --> 00:30:09,040 Yeah, it's a lot to like take in and process and deal with and 415 00:30:09,040 --> 00:30:16,960 Corny. Family is not more global than ever. It's the stress of trying to get everyone 416 00:30:16,960 --> 00:30:22,160 into one place at one time and everything work. And be happy. 417 00:30:22,160 --> 00:30:31,680 Yeah, that's why I think it's so important to if you have a group of people, be it family 418 00:30:31,680 --> 00:30:38,240 or friends or community or whatnot that you spend these holidays with and like frequently 419 00:30:38,240 --> 00:30:45,760 that you kind of develop to develop your own traditions. And that can be like from anything 420 00:30:45,760 --> 00:30:52,480 like from gift giving to what kind of meal you do and whatever. And because I feel like 421 00:30:52,480 --> 00:30:58,000 there is a lot of pressure and I feel this with my family to like even just with my mom 422 00:30:58,000 --> 00:31:04,640 and my sister, like I get it because like we all grow up conditioned to think that we 423 00:31:04,640 --> 00:31:10,480 have to do Christmas in this like there's only this one way to do Christmas and this 424 00:31:10,480 --> 00:31:15,920 we have to have a big meal and then exchange gifts and do this or we have to do it like 425 00:31:15,920 --> 00:31:21,840 this certain ways. Even with like the kind of food we eat has to be this or the kind 426 00:31:21,840 --> 00:31:27,600 of gift like it just feels like a certain kind of potato must be cooked in a certain way. 427 00:31:27,600 --> 00:31:35,920 Yeah, like exactly. It feels like I mean not to say that we always do the same thing every 428 00:31:35,920 --> 00:31:42,160 year. It could be a lot more extreme but I feel like kind of like we haven't figured out what 429 00:31:42,160 --> 00:31:47,440 we're gonna do yet and I feel like my mom and my sister they're putting a lot of pressure on 430 00:31:47,440 --> 00:31:53,920 themselves on like oh no well we should do this or we should invite people or we should do this 431 00:31:53,920 --> 00:32:00,720 or that and I'm kind of trying to tell them why don't we just do whatever feels good to us. 432 00:32:00,720 --> 00:32:07,280 Like we don't I just try to remember I just try to remind them like we don't we can have our own 433 00:32:07,280 --> 00:32:12,480 little dinner we can have our own gift exchange we can have our own tradition it's just the three 434 00:32:12,480 --> 00:32:18,240 of us anyways this year like we don't have to like conform. I think it's easier for me to question 435 00:32:18,240 --> 00:32:24,880 these things because of being autistic or it just comes more naturally to me finding myself 436 00:32:24,880 --> 00:32:31,120 reminding them that we don't have to do it in this certain mold. Yeah and especially if you have less 437 00:32:31,120 --> 00:32:37,920 people like this year right? You just have more people. There's nothing worse than sitting in a 438 00:32:37,920 --> 00:32:43,920 Christmas party that looks like it was made for 16 people when there's only six. Yeah exactly. 439 00:32:43,920 --> 00:32:50,320 It's it's this sort of feeling that there should be those ghosts in the room and you don't need to do that. 440 00:32:50,320 --> 00:32:56,240 You just don't. Yeah. In some ways again this is where they're acting a bit autistic in some 441 00:32:56,240 --> 00:32:59,760 ways right because they're like it has to be this way it's always been this way it has to be this way. 442 00:32:59,760 --> 00:33:05,760 Yeah. You're the autistic person and I feel like actually it does not have to be this way. 443 00:33:05,760 --> 00:33:11,280 It's a new one for me. You know I'm speaking as you like. Actually I would like to tell everyone 444 00:33:11,280 --> 00:33:17,280 it does not have to be this way. Yeah it's also part of like my whole unmasking journey that I'm 445 00:33:17,280 --> 00:33:22,720 questioning things more. I think I used to roll with it a lot more. I think three or four years 446 00:33:22,720 --> 00:33:29,120 ago I would have probably felt I would have just rolled like even if I felt if I questioned the 447 00:33:29,120 --> 00:33:34,240 whole concept a little bit even if I was already starting to be like but do we really have to do 448 00:33:34,240 --> 00:33:41,120 it this way? I think I would I felt a lot more pressured or a lot more inclined to just go with 449 00:33:41,120 --> 00:33:49,440 it and now I'm starting to like question constructs and systems a lot more like I feel like just in the 450 00:33:49,440 --> 00:33:57,120 last one to two years I've been a lot more I just question everything like every little social 451 00:33:57,120 --> 00:34:05,680 construct. Which is exhausting also. Yeah. Yeah. There are every kind of lessons it's like being a teenager again especially if you're 452 00:34:05,680 --> 00:34:12,000 like diagnosed that's hard. Christmas is the epitome of that it's capitalism it's Christianity 453 00:34:12,000 --> 00:34:22,960 it's which is it's only the entire thing. Yeah. It's so much. A lot of this other stuff is great if it works for you. 454 00:34:22,960 --> 00:34:29,040 It usually doesn't but however you decide to incorporate that it you know trying to find 455 00:34:29,040 --> 00:34:36,400 traditions that work for you that remind you oh this is you know this is gonna happen every year and we're all gonna change 456 00:34:36,400 --> 00:34:43,600 I mean that's the weird bit about Christmas is we all change as people but the traditions don't. Yeah. 457 00:34:43,600 --> 00:34:51,600 And so it's it does feel like you're in a children's play over and over again and no one wants to do that. 458 00:34:51,600 --> 00:35:13,600 Yeah. You know it was just saying I'm missing my tooth front teeth every Christmas. But yeah it's about just becoming more comfortable and trying to remind yourself what is it that I like about what we're doing now and how can we make it so it's more comfortable for everyone else and that's an unfortunate thing and again at the end of the year you're alive for better or for worse. 459 00:35:13,600 --> 00:35:25,360 Yeah. Trying to remind yourself like I've made it another year whether I like it or not. For some people it's not and that's unfortunate but we're glad you're here if you are listening to this. 460 00:35:26,560 --> 00:35:38,400 And it's just going what can I do to make the stakes lower for myself because this is a time where even if you know you don't buy into and like I don't you don't buy into capitalism all of that. 461 00:35:38,400 --> 00:35:44,960 The rest of the world's allowing you to kind of be for two days sort of allow yourself to do whatever the fuck you want. 462 00:35:46,640 --> 00:35:54,240 With certain parameters but it's take advantage of that see it as an opportunity rather than as something that you have to prove to people. 463 00:35:54,240 --> 00:35:54,740 Yeah. 464 00:35:54,740 --> 00:36:09,120 We've all seen other people's Christmases where people are ridiculous or obscene. We're not saying that we're saying if they can do that imagine what lovely little thing you can do if they can do that with those rules you can do so much more. 465 00:36:09,120 --> 00:36:33,200 Yeah. Yeah it is it's true. The holidays are when I'm having a day that I think particularly with ADHD or the ADHD side like if I'm in executive dysfunction and I'm not getting as much done as I as I like to like most of the days of the year because of all these cons. 466 00:36:33,200 --> 00:36:47,480 These capitalist constructs and like this constant like expectation like this this conditioning of if you're not producing a certain amount of work every day then it makes you feel bad. 467 00:36:47,480 --> 00:36:51,840 So I feel like that's why the holidays are nice like I was just thinking about it recently. 468 00:36:51,840 --> 00:37:11,760 It feels like society gives you more permission to be want to like wind down and not be like producing a ton of stuff. So I can relate to that like that is something coincidentally that I was just thinking about recently like oh you know like this month like the month of December. 469 00:37:11,760 --> 00:37:25,600 I haven't been as hard on myself as I was like even like just recently like September October November because there's not like that constant pressure like there's less of it. 470 00:37:25,600 --> 00:37:30,160 There's less like it winds down naturally for everyone over Christmas. 471 00:37:30,160 --> 00:37:47,560 I guess that's what I mean. That's a really interesting point. I guess to that point obviously we can't avoid that feeling and it's good to have you know allow yourself to feel like it's a break rather than a test or try to remind yourself in December. 472 00:37:47,560 --> 00:37:55,040 But it's also a great reminder that we don't know we won't be made to feel that way throughout the year. 473 00:37:55,040 --> 00:38:15,360 But it really is a construct which isn't to say it is in your head. It's not right. But it does mean that if you can find like in December of advent calendars right small things to get you through the day every month if you can find an advent calendar for yourself for every single month of the year. 474 00:38:15,360 --> 00:38:30,080 It might make you know kind of bring that spirit. So trying to get through Christmas try to bring some of what made it special for you. Every single month of the year whether it's by the way small to find discounted advent calendars in January. 475 00:38:30,080 --> 00:38:39,680 They are half price. They have tons of stuff in them. Make it something about self care. Yeah. They're usually quite cheap and then you'll have an advent calendar for each month. 476 00:38:39,680 --> 00:38:52,240 So you know stuff like that. Yeah. It's just a bit. That's a nice bit about December is that there's supposed to be a small point of excitement for still being alive every year. Yeah. Yeah. There should be. 477 00:38:52,240 --> 00:39:07,640 And everyone the way we are living now in this world we need that every single day. Yeah it's true. Yeah. Very much. It's okay but we need to find a way to live through it while still acknowledging it's not okay. 478 00:39:07,640 --> 00:39:17,640 It doesn't make it any better but you need to get through it in order to make a change. So yeah. Yeah. You sell that advent calendar. Yeah. 479 00:39:17,640 --> 00:39:29,640 Do gifts at a cafe rather than a huge dining table. Just sing carols on your own rather than with people or harmonize the choir on YouTube if you like to be on your own. 480 00:39:29,640 --> 00:39:40,640 Or you know get your dog's little Christmas doggy friendly treats instead of putting them in sweaters. Anything. Yeah. Something you can get. This Christmas and hopefully you can integrate it into the other parts of your life. 481 00:39:40,640 --> 00:39:50,640 This Christmas this is the one thing that I just am so happy about. Or not happy but just look forward to. Yeah. That makes sense. I like that. Yeah. 482 00:39:50,640 --> 00:40:01,640 You may not feel like doing it at the moment right. It's like getting a concert to something you like and then you're happy you went. Try to find whatever that is. 483 00:40:01,640 --> 00:40:11,640 At the end of the year you can figure out what it is and try to integrate that for better or worse into the rest of your life. Give yourself little tiny advent calendars. 484 00:40:11,640 --> 00:40:22,640 I like that. Yeah. Wow. Thank you for that insight. Yeah. I'm quite pleased with myself. That's my Christmas gift to myself. 485 00:40:22,640 --> 00:40:33,640 Well everyone listening as well. And yeah well I think pretty much everything I have on my end I don't know. Yeah. 486 00:40:33,640 --> 00:40:42,640 I think we had one note which is that we were thinking and we'll see if any of our listeners are excited about this about having a kind of Q&A. 487 00:40:42,640 --> 00:40:53,640 What do you either advice you have on doing with holidays or you know questions about holidays or sending voice notes or you know emails. 488 00:40:53,640 --> 00:41:02,640 Let us know if you want us to use your actual name or whether you'd rather remain anonymous or give you a random name. That's always fun while you send you things. 489 00:41:02,640 --> 00:41:13,640 I can put a Q&A on the description of the episode also. Yeah. If you're interested to hear and also answer some of your questions. 490 00:41:13,640 --> 00:41:24,640 We'll hopefully have that either before Christmas or after Christmas. Yeah. So it might be good. Yeah. If you guys are interested in interacting with us that would be great. 491 00:41:24,640 --> 00:41:33,640 We'd love to hear from you. Yes. We'd love to hear from you. So please let us know if you'd like to. And yeah. 492 00:41:33,640 --> 00:41:43,640 Well I wanted to thank you again X for coming on. And yeah this was a fantastic episode. 493 00:41:43,640 --> 00:41:52,640 A lot of insights and you know I think we covered a lot of things in general about the holidays. I think it was very good. 494 00:41:52,640 --> 00:42:01,640 And yeah before I go on another tangent thank you everyone for listening. I hope you enjoyed this episode and I'll see you guys next time.