Hello, welcome to another episode of Unpacking Neuroqueerness.
Today I have my friend X back on the podcast and we are going to do a holiday special episode,
basically tips for surviving the holidays as neurodivergent people in this very neurotypical
world.
So the first thing we wanted to talk about today is present problems around giving and
receiving gifts.
I think receiving gifts, I would say, is one of the most challenging things and I've heard
this from other autistic people as well.
The fact that, you know, understandably like people put in a lot of effort, like you know
that people put in a lot of effort into a gift and so a lot of times seeing your reaction
to the gift is really important to them and for a lot of autistic people our reactions,
our facial expressions don't always match our emotion and sometimes we take, for those
with processing delays, we can take extra time to process the gift, even if we really
like it.
It's not easily misunderstood or misinterpreted, like people can assume we don't like a gift.
It's happened to me even where I've told someone, oh I really like this and the person
and is like, oh I'm glad you liked it and then two or three minutes later because I
don't know, either because maybe I wasn't excited enough or they were self-conscious
for another reason, they'll ask me again if I liked the gift.
I enjoy giving people presents but I've seen other people give, say, me presents and for
them whether they like it or not, it's about self-gratification.
They need the dopamine, even if they're neurotypical of being like, yeah I did well and if you're
not doing it in a way they're expecting.
They also get nervous, I mean this is one of the few things that unites everyone around
the holidays is there's so many unnecessary social rules, not just for neurodiverts but
for neurotypicals and everyone's constantly kind of assessing where they're at and what
they're doing and whether the present is good, it's a lot of stress to be perfect annually.
Presents are a huge manifestation of that because they set the tone for the rest of
the day.
Most people they open presents in the morning.
You start off with watching everyone open something that say you've spent a lot of time
researching or you didn't spend a lot of time researching, you just hoped it worked out
and so after that there's not much else in terms of tasks for you to do.
So I think everyone would fixate a tiny bit, it's almost like a test of self worth, did
I know this person well enough, did I care enough?
Yeah.
To anyone's head, it's not just you.
Yeah I can sense, I know that it's really important for them to be quote, so called
successful maybe with the gift.
Why not quickly, that's not the point of gift giving, gift giving is not a competition.
I wish, this is my own personal opinion, just give a gift because you think someone will
like it.
They will like it in the way they like it or they won't like it, you tried.
Can we stop making gift giving a competition, it's really annoying.
Anyway continue.
Yeah, no I, yeah because it's like I know that it's, some people get really caught up
in it and end up, I don't know if they think of it as a competition, I mean some people
might, I want to show them that I like the gift but it feels like, I don't know, it's
like either I have to go on like a three minute speech about like the way I interpret things
sometimes and the way I process things and all that and give like a monologue about neurodiversity.
It's tricky because I have to like just remind them every couple minutes that I like, I don't
know.
That's the thing is that you, I mean it's, you're right in the feeling, the pressure
you feel to perform a certain way because you can sense someone's anxious about something
is something that unfortunately you as a neurodivergent person will have to unlearn and continue
to unlearn your entire life, right.
That's the difficulty for us neurodivergent people is that we can sense that some of us
can and there's times in our lives where it's, we have to assuage those people's anxieties
in order to get by and other times, especially for an adult around other adults, you can
tell them you like the presence and if they keep asking for reassurance that's just annoying.
They are adults, they might have their own views, however if they know you well enough
then they should just take that at face value and if they do have issues with that and you're
not close enough to have a conversation where you can take them aside and say I really like
the present but at this point you know you asking me about the present all the time is
actually making it less enjoyable.
Yeah exactly yeah.
I did really like the present, I still really like the present.
I think I would continue to enjoy it more if you didn't keep asking me because I want
you to feel good about the fact that I like it but I can't keep liking it if you're anxious.
Yeah yeah well because then I'm gonna be anxious.
Exactly and everyone just wants to have a good time and I think if you present that
to people in a way where it's us against the problem which is Christmas trauma versus me
versus you and the present it clarifies a lot of positions for people especially during
a stressful time.
No I think that works, I think if it gets to a point where I can sense that there's
still discomfort and like misunderstanding then I would probably I mean now I'm more
comfortable with explaining these things, communication styles and neurodiversity and
such I think in the past two or three years ago I may have not.
What would you have done in that situation if you had not had this information that you
now have?
Usually I would just probably obsess over the whole thing for a few days and then eventually
forget it.
It's just it would always be a little stressful if I thought someone didn't think that I
liked their gift even though I did but now it's better because I know that if I really
need to I mean.
It's not your responsibility.
Yeah.
If you say if you like it and again this is someone who is an adult.
If they then need you to perform that knowing that who you are in a way that isn't actually
helping you enjoy the gift or the holiday then that's about them and which can create
some tension if they're not happy with that reality or unwilling to admit it.
But to hear that you feel as you go through this over and over again that you not care
a bit less but you have a better kind of.
Yeah.
Sense of self throughout these situations.
I think ultimately it is just one facet of unmasking.
I guess it comes from the trauma of masking the whole like worrying too much about other
people's perceptions but then I also you know it also helps to have more understanding of
where this all comes from because then because then I also have the option if I want to I
have the option of talking to them about it but ultimately that the goal is I don't know
if you feel this way too like if you think it's also a consequence of masking but that
I've been wanting to that I'm trying to like remind myself that I don't need to prioritize
other people's feelings over myself.
I agree and I think especially during the holidays it's a time where everyone is supposed
to sacrifice their own well-being for the sake of tradition whatever that tradition
is.
Gift-giving is just a facet of that and I think again as an ADHD woman the annoying thing
about gift-giving is one I really enjoy it not for myself because I really enjoy giving
people presents and part of that has to do with my Russian grandmother who is probably
autistic might have ADHD but probably autistic.
I think she survived and continues to survive living in Russia as an autistic woman mostly
through her own charisma.
She just sort of goes well this is not the way I like it so I'm just not going to do
it with a smile on her face she just doesn't she's like oh this doesn't work for me oh
well and then she moves on.
And people stare at her in wonder but with presents she figured out quite quickly I think
at a young age that giving presents is a great way to show how you feel about someone without
having to tell them.
So she'll put a lot of thought into things her thing is jewelry and semi-precious stones
anytime she gives the most beautiful jewelry she never had a daughter so mom and I get
lots and lots of gorgeous jewelry and she knows the jewelers and she picks them out
and we get them and they have little names of each stone on them so that we can add them
to our collection and her advice to me when I was a kid because I used to do this with
her all the time when I was little is go pick out presents for people and she said if some
part of you doesn't want it unless it's like a very specific thing that person has asked
you to get them that's not really your taste if you're getting someone something and there's
no small part of you that doesn't kind of want that present it's not a good present.
Unless it's you know something very specific to them but if you're getting them something
that you know you have a certain taste and they share that taste and you don't covet
it in a way if you don't kind of want it for yourself it's not a great gift.
To give or just like to receive?
To give.
Oh I see.
Again people have different kinds of tastes and someone has very different taste from
you that's different right?
But if you know there's something that you share or you appreciate you both appreciate
and there's no part of you that doesn't want to kind of keep it for yourself.
Oh I see.
So that would be like in the realm of a similar interest.
Yeah in the realm of a similar interest or you know even if it's not something you enjoy
you put so much love into you know finding this for someone that kind of the goal is
to get them excited about it.
Yeah.
I learned about present giving through that it wasn't about people's reactions necessarily
to it.
The joy was not even giving it to them it was researching it.
So if I was to give you a present I actually as long as you like it and you tell me that
I don't care about any other reaction because I'm just the joy of doing the research and
the finding it and being like I wonder what this person will like or seeing something
throughout the year and going oh that reminds me of that person instead of buying it all
in bulk which some people do.
There's a joy in kind of remembering things that you like about people or things that
brought you joy about other people which is how I'm trying to see gift giving generally
rather than this huge capitalist mess.
Whatever the happy thing they remind you of is give it to them.
Yeah I can see that because I have felt that where I have given gifts that have been very
satisfying and it was something that I remember thinking like oh I would I could see myself
getting this for myself too and then that was like it does make you feel more confident
I think like or just I don't know for me it made me feel better.
I would like this if I were gifted this.
Yeah.
Another issue is that especially when I was much younger that kind of present giving philosophy
didn't get me into trouble so much but I think when I was maybe six eight ten it did freak
out some of my friends because I would notice what they liked without them specifically
telling me and then I'd give it to them and I think their kids and I was a kid and they
didn't know how to see what the feeling was she knows too much about me.
It might seem too intimate that I gave them something that they dreamt about but never
told me about you know or that they wanted a poem with something and then I wrote it
because I could just I just knew them and they didn't know how to react because it would
it crossed a boundary for them not because I was being rude or inappropriate but because
they hadn't actually told me and they didn't know how I knew.
I wanted it because I was picking up on other things right so how does she know this this
is weird.
Especially if you're a divergent you pick up on those unspoken signs that seem like
subtext to everyone else but to you are just text.
Yeah and you think that person knows that and you give them something or even you tell
them something a compliment and you can see them go no one's ever told me that I've always
wanted someone to tell me that how on earth do they know this I was not prepared.
Yeah yeah I can see that happen.
Other struggle the last I get not the last but one of the other big struggles for me
with ADHD is I get told off for this all the time by my partner I will figure out what
the person is before you give it to me.
Wow.
It's been a struggle because I just can tell I don't have to see it I'm is it this they're
like why are you guessing this is not fair but again it's the same thing it's kind of
a predicting what other people are doing or trying to understand how other people think
in order to relate to them whether you're out of the circle in HD.
I spend a lot of my time figuring out oh this is how this person sees the world so this
is how I can relate to them so that my brain makes more sense to them.
So giving is an extension of that most of the time I can figure out what they're gonna
give me.
I've learned as I've gotten older that it's not a game the same game.
People don't like it when they tell me oh it's good.
Yeah interesting.
I get it for myself before they can give it to me a month before and you can sort of see
them go oh dear.
Yeah yeah I think that it's interesting because I I feel like it's always I think people that
don't know me as well I can kind of predict what they're gonna get me because they're
just gonna pick okay I'm really I'm talking a lot about whether they're gonna get me something
weather related talking a lot about neurodiversity they're gonna get me something neurodiversity
related.
I still really appreciate it because it is like they are they're staying tuned they're
tuned into what I'm talking about and stuff.
Does it ever make you feel a bit two dimensional because sometimes I do get that.
Sometimes it does.
Sometimes especially I think that happens when it's like if it's the similar kind of
gift around the similar interest every year then it feels like I don't know then it then
it feels like they're not it's like they think that I only like this one thing.
They don't really think more about you as a person.
Exactly exactly exactly like I could see that happening like oh you think I'm me feeling
like you think I'm I'm just the guy that talks about neurodiversity or I'm just the guy that
likes weather.
There's so much more like I have a lot of other interests and like things and but I
think it also like I understand I really do understand when it's someone that I haven't
had contact with in a while because they just they wouldn't be able to know what all the
different things I'm into and they just want to get something that I like.
So like I don't blame them either but it is something that sometimes if it happens with
one person particularly if it's someone closer to me that doesn't feel great sometimes I
guess.
I get that feeling when it's friends of people I'm close to that are really close to them
because they'll pretend to be really interested in what I'm doing and what I'm saying.
There is a window of getting to know someone at least for neurotypicals where they've taken
all the information from this period of time and then after that you're just a static being
you're not allowed to change.
Yeah.
Whether true or not it's probably not but that it can feel that way when you're not
diverging around the receiving end of it.
It feels like they just stop taking in information about it or it all gets skewed to one bias
and I don't quite understand that.
I mean I understand why they do it because it's easier to not think about people in that
way.
I don't have an option because my brain doesn't work that way but it also brings out the issue
of with the presence it depends if you're someone who struggles socially with that.
You have office presence how much you're supposed to spend on those usually those have a cap
which is helpful.
Professional presence, presence for in-laws there's so many different social constructs
that you have to deal with.
Yeah.
Even neurotypical people struggle with.
Is this too formal or will they think I didn't think about this much if I just give them
a candle.
Most people like candles just make sure it's the right scent.
Candles are always a good shout if it's roots.
You know a small tangent I have one of my good friends has asthma I've never given her
a candle but when she comes over I occasionally forget she has asthma and I do ask her to
smell things and she looks at me and she goes I can't smell shit I'm like oh my god I'm
so sorry.
It happens repeatedly.
She's one of my best friends she's like I cannot smell anything I'm like I'm sorry.
The end of the year everyone's a bit sad.
Some people are a bit sad and it's dark and it's why these kinds of holiday traditions
crop up.
You know and there's a lot of pressure on waking up being in a good mood.
Having to be in a good mood around people that you may not necessarily spend a lot of
time with.
It's time asking for everything.
For neurodivergent people.
Which is why I do hope that this episode is helpful for not just neurodivergent people
but neurotypical people because I don't know whether the neurotypicals have as many strategies
for surviving cognitively other than drinking.
It feels like sometimes they might have to do some thinking too but they fall into it
very easily.
I guess they absorb these norms and everything better or more efficiently and they can kind
of get it where after a while where I feel like I'm still kind of lost.
I think it feels like for me it's even more effort.
I'd be interested to hear from neurotypical listeners what that is.
If anyone wants to write in send you an email you can write it in the description notes.
Whether or not you take that time to strategize and take yourself out of the situation.
I think that's what we do.
We have to go there has to be an approach to things especially when it's again every
year the same people doing the same things.
And it also turns out differently.
But you know it's the strategy where you go well I know that this person gets drunk at
5pm and then they start saying really rude things.
So it's good to get them water at 2pm, food at this time and have them have a nap so that
then they don't keep drinking they have a nap and then they'll actually be okay by the
time they go swimming in carols.
That kind of thing right.
And I know a lot of you know specifically women are the people who are tasked with having
to figure out these family dynamics.
It's also the self preservation of if I decide to go on a bath and break during this and
this time usually no one will notice.
How much of that is happening as a cognitive completely conscious thought rather than just
a subconscious understanding of well this is uncomfortable I'm just going to go somewhere
else.
Interesting to hear if anyone wants to write in the kind of differences whether how do
you think about these things.
Yeah I see myself picking up on people's patterns.
I do observe patterns a lot just naturally without even trying to or noticing that I
am.
I'm describing it probably the way someone who is autistic would.
As someone with ADHD my experience has been probably a mix of how some neurotypical people
deal with Christmas and someone who is autistic deals with Christmas because it's very socially
conditioned to be the lubricant during these kinds of things.
It's me and the alcohol, it's me and people talking to me and me having to be friendly.
I enjoy talking to them and I don't think I think about it probably as cognitively as
say you would.
I think yeah.
Because my father is autistic I do think I've had to grow up thinking about them so that
either you know I can check in on him at certain times because if I can figure out how he's
thinking then I can make sure no one in the room is a meltdown.
My position was having to feel like I'm not saying it was my job because that's unfair
but feeling like it was I had to manage the neurotypicals and the neurodivergence.
Which is not necessarily true but that is definitely kind of the pressure I felt when
I was younger.
I don't know if this is like going back a little bit but how do you feel about asking
people or like if people ask you because one thing that's been helpful for me with the
whole gift receiving complex is when I tell people ahead of time like I actually really
like it sometimes they ask me what I want and I'm like yes I can just tell them what
I want or I'll tell them and it just because I know like I've heard that in certain cultures
like certain people can get they might not like it or it can come across the wrong way
if you ask for a certain gift ahead of time but for me it's really helpful because it
makes me a lot more relaxed because I know I feel like it helps me and them because it
helps me know like okay good they're gonna get me something that I like and that I really
want and I'm not gonna have to fake a reaction or worry about them thinking I didn't like
it and oh my god and the guilt and everything and it helps them because then they're like
oh okay this is what this person wants this is what they like I can get them this and
they're gonna like it and I don't have to worry about like oh did they like it or not.
Well one from my actual experience my family has always asked each other what they want
for a big present if there's something that someone has in mind that's really big usually
we'll have to remind each other to tell each other what we want and if there is nothing
then we go is are there options that you know you wanted us with gift cards to places for
the bigger present and that's there's something we have in mind that we know that person really
like. One of the benefits like also of having a bigger present and smaller other gifts is
that it doesn't ruin the surprise which is I think why some people find someone asking
them for presents a bit annoying because they want this surprise or they feel it's a bit
restrictive or someone asks without context so they're like why are you asking me my advice
and what my family's been doing is asking at some point unless we have a gift already
in mind for them do you know what you want or the ballpark of what you do want we get
them small other things that could be surprises that aren't as high stakes. Do you think that
some people might interpret it like if I were to ask them oh like can you get me this gift
for Christmas or whatnot is it a thing or have you experienced it with people where
they get upset because or they you know of course maybe they don't say it but that it
seems like they're upset because they think that you're wanting gifts and that it's like
you're not supposed to want because I've been I've been told that in certain cultures or
with certain people that like you're supposed to not want gifts but but then it's like that's
what drives me crazy because then it's like oh I so I'm supposed to not want this but
then I'm also like supposed to really like it. You shouldn't want it but you should be
grateful when you have it. It's like oh that's not a great philosophy for life over time.
It's good to you know not expect certain things but it also puts you in the position where
you feel you don't or can't ask for things that you actually want or need. I think in
terms of the gift giving context specific so if you were to walk around with someone
you don't have a relationship where you can walk around and go oh by the way I really
want this not everyone might really be accepting of something that's so direct or if out of
the blue you say I would like this for Christmas again if they don't know you very well that's
going to seem like an on sequitur to them. I see. So it is context specific. Yeah. If
it's July and you don't know the person very well and you're anticipating in your head
the idea of Christmas and you see something in a window and go oh I'd like that for Christmas
by the way. I think that would take most people by surprise. Even me I would probably be slightly
surprised. I'd roll with it but I'd be slightly surprised. Whereas it again depends on your
relationship with the person how well they know you what conversation is happening at
the time and even if say it is in the middle of summer and you're seeing something nice
and your birthday is really fast or something. Oh I really like this and they look at you
and go you know you can kind of coil and go you know so you don't have to do Christmas
with people later but that's a nicer way of putting it rather than you know it's kind
of hung in cheek sort of. Yeah. That's a social construct there's a sort of flirtation with
the idea of will you get me a thing if I want it which is weird it's socially weird and
it's okay to find that weird because it's bizarre. Yeah it would definitely feel like
I know that that's how a lot of people do it. As people who are very aware or learning
to be more aware about how we mask you know it's about again I think creating space for
neurotypicals to realize how they mask. We can kindly give them space to figure it out
once we figure ourselves out instead of trying to battle it through. The holidays are maybe
one time of year where neurotypical people get a little glimpse of what it's like to
be a high masking neurodivergent person in society. In some ways it's helpful to think
of it instead of as a test for you as a neurodivergent person more of a sort of I've had to you know
learn these skills to deal with the situation in a certain way and they might be super helpful
for someone who hasn't had to get through it this way. It's less a test it's more of
an opportunity to share things so that this happens less often. True yeah exactly. I think
also like another thing social media I mean everything this time of year like I think
there is a lot of toxic positivity on social media in general most of the year but I feel
like this time of year it gets heightened it's like yeah. The amount of dogs in sweaters
that they don't want to be in is insane. Oh my god yeah. Yes they all ask you for help.
I mean listen some of the animals that are putting sweaters have no fur or are very small
it should not be in cold environments and that is a caveat that we will put out on this
podcast now. Some of them need the sweaters but I use that as a metaphor for the rest
of the photo because that animal does not know what a photograph is. That animal does
not want to be in a sweater most of the time. That animal does not want to sit down and
most people in that photo do not hire. It's being honest. The baby that was crying the
newborn that someone is having to make googly eyes at behind the cameras just so that the
look at the camera does not want to look at the camera. There are certain families where
it's done because it's to make everyone look a certain way because they know it's not the
way it actually is and that comes from abusive families and that is an intentional thing.
Be happy because you have to be. I think for most people it's the sense of we just have
to get through this. It's stressful, it's loud, it's cold, there's babies. Everyone's
in one place at the same time. We want to feel like everything's okay because we need
the validation of everyone else to feel like it's okay when really everyone else is feeling
just as shitty as you do. I feel like it also gets pumped. Another thing I noticed this
time of year is the Christmas music. Oh no. Everywhere, every store. It's this constant
reminder to, well not only a reminder to consume because I think that's a big part of it for
the stores. It's a Coca Cola Christmas, absolutely. It's also the forced jolliness. It's like
stores also move during the holidays more often. It takes longer to find things in a
store. Yeah, true. I'm sure it's on purpose. It's meant to make you walk around the store
for longer to buy more things and listen to music more, all of that. It's a capitalist
construct but the stress of being tired and overwhelmed by everything during the winter
and then going in and trying to find something that you usually know where it is and then
having to circle around while Santa Baby is playing in the background. Oh my god. Or
poor, or anyone who works in hospitality, anyone who works in retail, anything. The
forced merriment I have to see on their faces having to deal with drunk customers, annoying
customers while wearing reindeer antlers on their head. It's also the stress of watching
people who are obviously not happy but have to be, or pretend to be, or have to mask their
fashion in order to get paid. For me, that takes a toll too because it's painful to watch.
And if you're around family who are also non-divergent and don't know it and have been telling themselves
that they're not dealing with it well to hear that on you, there's a whole generational
trauma aspect to the holidays. And hopefully that's becoming less and less as people know
more about the neurodivergent issues they had when it was because they had neurodivergent
parents who didn't know it. But there's a lot of food, value, trouble, whether neurodivergent
or not simply because it's people you may not choose to spend time with on a regular
basis. We want to all love our family, not everyone has that choice. And also a lot of
these people, unfortunately, which I probably would be friends with most of my family, my
extended family, which is why I'm so glad that you're now my step cousin something.
So I choose to spend time with them, but not everyone has that option. If you met this
person on the street randomly, they probably wouldn't want to keep talking to you. And
so then you're supposed to also be happy on top of all of that.
Yeah, it's a lot to like take in and process and deal with and
Corny. Family is not more global than ever. It's the stress of trying to get everyone
into one place at one time and everything work. And be happy.
Yeah, that's why I think it's so important to if you have a group of people, be it family
or friends or community or whatnot that you spend these holidays with and like frequently
that you kind of develop to develop your own traditions. And that can be like from anything
like from gift giving to what kind of meal you do and whatever. And because I feel like
there is a lot of pressure and I feel this with my family to like even just with my mom
and my sister, like I get it because like we all grow up conditioned to think that we
have to do Christmas in this like there's only this one way to do Christmas and this
we have to have a big meal and then exchange gifts and do this or we have to do it like
this certain ways. Even with like the kind of food we eat has to be this or the kind
of gift like it just feels like a certain kind of potato must be cooked in a certain way.
Yeah, like exactly. It feels like I mean not to say that we always do the same thing every
year. It could be a lot more extreme but I feel like kind of like we haven't figured out what
we're gonna do yet and I feel like my mom and my sister they're putting a lot of pressure on
themselves on like oh no well we should do this or we should invite people or we should do this
or that and I'm kind of trying to tell them why don't we just do whatever feels good to us.
Like we don't I just try to remember I just try to remind them like we don't we can have our own
little dinner we can have our own gift exchange we can have our own tradition it's just the three
of us anyways this year like we don't have to like conform. I think it's easier for me to question
these things because of being autistic or it just comes more naturally to me finding myself
reminding them that we don't have to do it in this certain mold. Yeah and especially if you have less
people like this year right? You just have more people. There's nothing worse than sitting in a
Christmas party that looks like it was made for 16 people when there's only six. Yeah exactly.
It's it's this sort of feeling that there should be those ghosts in the room and you don't need to do that.
You just don't. Yeah. In some ways again this is where they're acting a bit autistic in some
ways right because they're like it has to be this way it's always been this way it has to be this way.
Yeah. You're the autistic person and I feel like actually it does not have to be this way.
It's a new one for me. You know I'm speaking as you like. Actually I would like to tell everyone
it does not have to be this way. Yeah it's also part of like my whole unmasking journey that I'm
questioning things more. I think I used to roll with it a lot more. I think three or four years
ago I would have probably felt I would have just rolled like even if I felt if I questioned the
whole concept a little bit even if I was already starting to be like but do we really have to do
it this way? I think I would I felt a lot more pressured or a lot more inclined to just go with
it and now I'm starting to like question constructs and systems a lot more like I feel like just in the
last one to two years I've been a lot more I just question everything like every little social
construct. Which is exhausting also. Yeah. Yeah. There are every kind of lessons it's like being a teenager again especially if you're
like diagnosed that's hard. Christmas is the epitome of that it's capitalism it's Christianity
it's which is it's only the entire thing. Yeah. It's so much. A lot of this other stuff is great if it works for you.
It usually doesn't but however you decide to incorporate that it you know trying to find
traditions that work for you that remind you oh this is you know this is gonna happen every year and we're all gonna change
I mean that's the weird bit about Christmas is we all change as people but the traditions don't. Yeah.
And so it's it does feel like you're in a children's play over and over again and no one wants to do that.
Yeah. You know it was just saying I'm missing my tooth front teeth every Christmas. But yeah it's about just becoming more comfortable and trying to remind yourself what is it that I like about what we're doing now and how can we make it so it's more comfortable for everyone else and that's an unfortunate thing and again at the end of the year you're alive for better or for worse.
Yeah. Trying to remind yourself like I've made it another year whether I like it or not. For some people it's not and that's unfortunate but we're glad you're here if you are listening to this.
And it's just going what can I do to make the stakes lower for myself because this is a time where even if you know you don't buy into and like I don't you don't buy into capitalism all of that.
The rest of the world's allowing you to kind of be for two days sort of allow yourself to do whatever the fuck you want.
With certain parameters but it's take advantage of that see it as an opportunity rather than as something that you have to prove to people.
Yeah.
We've all seen other people's Christmases where people are ridiculous or obscene. We're not saying that we're saying if they can do that imagine what lovely little thing you can do if they can do that with those rules you can do so much more.
Yeah. Yeah it is it's true. The holidays are when I'm having a day that I think particularly with ADHD or the ADHD side like if I'm in executive dysfunction and I'm not getting as much done as I as I like to like most of the days of the year because of all these cons.
These capitalist constructs and like this constant like expectation like this this conditioning of if you're not producing a certain amount of work every day then it makes you feel bad.
So I feel like that's why the holidays are nice like I was just thinking about it recently.
It feels like society gives you more permission to be want to like wind down and not be like producing a ton of stuff. So I can relate to that like that is something coincidentally that I was just thinking about recently like oh you know like this month like the month of December.
I haven't been as hard on myself as I was like even like just recently like September October November because there's not like that constant pressure like there's less of it.
There's less like it winds down naturally for everyone over Christmas.
I guess that's what I mean. That's a really interesting point. I guess to that point obviously we can't avoid that feeling and it's good to have you know allow yourself to feel like it's a break rather than a test or try to remind yourself in December.
But it's also a great reminder that we don't know we won't be made to feel that way throughout the year.
But it really is a construct which isn't to say it is in your head. It's not right. But it does mean that if you can find like in December of advent calendars right small things to get you through the day every month if you can find an advent calendar for yourself for every single month of the year.
It might make you know kind of bring that spirit. So trying to get through Christmas try to bring some of what made it special for you. Every single month of the year whether it's by the way small to find discounted advent calendars in January.
They are half price. They have tons of stuff in them. Make it something about self care. Yeah. They're usually quite cheap and then you'll have an advent calendar for each month.
So you know stuff like that. Yeah. It's just a bit. That's a nice bit about December is that there's supposed to be a small point of excitement for still being alive every year. Yeah. Yeah. There should be.
And everyone the way we are living now in this world we need that every single day. Yeah it's true. Yeah. Very much. It's okay but we need to find a way to live through it while still acknowledging it's not okay.
It doesn't make it any better but you need to get through it in order to make a change. So yeah. Yeah. You sell that advent calendar. Yeah.
Do gifts at a cafe rather than a huge dining table. Just sing carols on your own rather than with people or harmonize the choir on YouTube if you like to be on your own.
Or you know get your dog's little Christmas doggy friendly treats instead of putting them in sweaters. Anything. Yeah. Something you can get. This Christmas and hopefully you can integrate it into the other parts of your life.
This Christmas this is the one thing that I just am so happy about. Or not happy but just look forward to. Yeah. That makes sense. I like that. Yeah.
You may not feel like doing it at the moment right. It's like getting a concert to something you like and then you're happy you went. Try to find whatever that is.
At the end of the year you can figure out what it is and try to integrate that for better or worse into the rest of your life. Give yourself little tiny advent calendars.
I like that. Yeah. Wow. Thank you for that insight. Yeah. I'm quite pleased with myself. That's my Christmas gift to myself.
Well everyone listening as well. And yeah well I think pretty much everything I have on my end I don't know. Yeah.
I think we had one note which is that we were thinking and we'll see if any of our listeners are excited about this about having a kind of Q&A.
What do you either advice you have on doing with holidays or you know questions about holidays or sending voice notes or you know emails.
Let us know if you want us to use your actual name or whether you'd rather remain anonymous or give you a random name. That's always fun while you send you things.
I can put a Q&A on the description of the episode also. Yeah. If you're interested to hear and also answer some of your questions.
We'll hopefully have that either before Christmas or after Christmas. Yeah. So it might be good. Yeah. If you guys are interested in interacting with us that would be great.
We'd love to hear from you. Yes. We'd love to hear from you. So please let us know if you'd like to. And yeah.
Well I wanted to thank you again X for coming on. And yeah this was a fantastic episode.
A lot of insights and you know I think we covered a lot of things in general about the holidays. I think it was very good.
And yeah before I go on another tangent thank you everyone for listening. I hope you enjoyed this episode and I'll see you guys next time.