I don't know if I want to hear this.
You do want to hear this story.
So as you know, and as the listeners may know,
I spent the last week in New York.
And one thing about me is I'm a theater kid to my core.
You saw so many shows.
So the thing is that I went in with the plan
to see maybe one or two.
It was like a week, and I had plans on the first
and last days, like the full days that I was going to be
there, and then I purposely left the ones in the middle
very open.
So because I was like, no plans.
Normally, I plan down to the minute.
But this time, I'm going to like chill.
I'm going to hang out in Brooklyn,
which is where I was staying, see my friends
in the interim, whatever.
And then I got there, and I thought
about going to one on Monday, and I didn't end up
being able to make it.
And what was the first one that I saw?
Oh, fucking shucked.
I was going to say you was.
I can't even keep track.
It was a banger.
I was like, yeah, let's see the corn musical.
Because you can go to the TKTS booth
and get very discounted tickets day of.
So I was like, yeah, corn musical.
I know nothing about it.
I listened to a little bit of the soundtrack.
Let's go.
It hit.
I don't know how to explain it.
It made my heart so happy.
And then it unlocked my little theater kid brain,
and I was like, what if I just saw one per night?
I did see one most nights.
I didn't Monday or Thursday, but I did do a double show day
on Wednesday, I believe, where I saw a matinee and an evening
show.
That takes care of it.
That's an attention span.
So I did see five shows in five days.
Jesus.
I think.
Monday?
Yeah, because I didn't see.
No, I did see one on Saturday.
Listen, I don't know.
I think I saw five shows in five days.
Because I didn't on the first day.
That's what it was.
I trust you.
I was sitting next to my stack of eyeballs.
The stack is larger than a KU exclusive room.
Not the KU.
700 pages.
Yeah, perhaps.
Five shows in five days.
But listen, that wasn't even that much for me.
I could have seen more.
You could have.
There were other shows I wanted to see.
Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked.
I saw Parade, which was insane and very moving.
And I don't necessarily recommend the soundtrack,
because it's not one that I would just go listen to.
But I would recommend looking up the story,
because it's based on a true story of this really
horrific anti-Semitism in the South in the early 1900s.
And it's.
I would not have guessed that from the title Parade.
No.
So it starts on a Confederate Day Parade.
And that's the segue I see.
I see where we're getting there.
So you start with the Confederate Day Parade
or whatever, and it opens with a young Confederate soldier
singing this goodbye song to his little girl.
Well, actually, let's back up a second.
For context.
Back up, baby, back up.
Because I just have to address this really quickly.
I was sitting in the third row in the middle,
because it was a last minute thing.
I was really cheap.
They were like, you want good seats?
And I was like, sure.
And they put me in the third row.
So I'm looking up at this.
And the thing about me is if it's an ensemble cast,
I will find the hottest one.
I saw that.
I still have a crush on the Watson in my.
No, I was probably in eighth grade.
Whoever played a Watson when I was in eighth grade
at my high school, you were the light of my life.
You could rock my world, whoever you were.
I get that.
It was so hot.
That was also me watching King Arthur in Camelot.
I was like, why is that man so fine?
And then I met a theater major at the stage door.
And she was like, why was Arthur so hot?
And I was like, no, but for real, why was Arthur so hot?
Anyway, back to Parade.
There's a platform in the middle of the stage.
And there's all these pews where people
are facing the platform.
And they're all standing there.
And again, I'm in the third row.
And I have this habit of fixating on the hottest
ensemble member.
The show opens with a young, hot, blonde guy
stepping up onto the platform with a young, pretty girl.
And they rip their clothes off and immediately
drop to the ground and have simulated sex.
So you're like, all right, kicking off strong.
What is going on here?
And then they get up, and he puts his shirt back on,
and he sings a song.
So this guy is fine.
I'm like, who is this man?
He goes on to play other various characters.
You know it's bad when he's playing a Confederate soldier.
And I was still like, OK, but I can make it work, right?
I know he's acting.
Obviously, this man is not actually a Confederate.
But why was I into the Confederate soldier?
Anyway, I looked him up after the show.
He is, in fact, I think like 25, 26,
and went to OU, which was a rival school at my college.
The flags were red.
But red was her favorite color.
And I was like, but I was colorblind.
OU is, in fact, their color is red.
Anyway, so I'm in love with this man as a side note.
That's not relevant to the story,
except that it starts on a Confederate Day parade.
Our main characters are this Jewish couple.
And the wife is Southern, but the man, Leo Frank,
who's the real guy who was the victim in all of this,
is like a Jewish man from New York
who had to move to Georgia for his job.
And he hates it.
And he's like, this is the worst.
And she's like, Leo, why are you going to work today?
Don't you know it's a holiday?
It's Confederate Day.
It's the whole parade.
And he basically has a line where he's like,
I've never understood why we celebrated losing a war.
I mean, he's so real for that.
And he is so real for that.
This was a very long and roundabout segue into,
that man was a Confederate.
Stop.
I remember reading Beautiful Creatures.
I think I read two and a half books out of that trilogy
or whatever the fuck it is.
And in the first book, they were talking
about the war of Northern aggression,
which is the first time I'd ever heard of that.
I was like, what?
I mean, they were staunchly anti the Confederacy in that book.
He was like, why is it called the war of Northern aggression?
It was a whole thing.
I had never heard of that because I grew up in Minnesota.
Apparently, Minnesota has a Confederate flag
that we stole from one of the Confederate states.
We want it in battle, and we won't give it back.
They want it back, and we're like, no.
OK, I love that.
You can't have it.
This is our Confederate flag now.
Yeah, Governor Walt, he's like, no.
He's a very nice man, but no, we will not give you.
He's so British core of them.
Oh, you want this thing back?
Too bad.
It's ours now.
Because I don't know what state it was,
but they're like, it's our history.
And we're like, no, we beat you.
It's our history.
So we do have that going for us.
Makes sense.
That's all I know.
So imagine our surprise, opening this book, this book,
Texas Destiny by the radio, and finding out that, I mean,
the stuff that we found out in this book, it was a lot.
I get that he was a child.
He didn't go into the war of his own volition,
and he didn't want to be there.
But there wasn't even a half-assed attempt at an,
oh, I didn't even really understand
what we were fighting for.
And if I was a man, I would never have enlivened, blah,
blah, blah.
No.
She, meanwhile, she's like, my dad owned slaves,
our plantation.
And when that Yankee took over, my mom and I
moved into the slave quarters.
And he's like, oh, how horrible that you had to endure this.
And I'm like, what about the slaves
who lived in said slave quarters?
And there was nothing about them.
Nothing.
No mention of the enslaved people of the South, anywhere.
Where did they go?
No.
You know they were out there.
The majority of cowboys were black.
I'm usually pretty good at separating.
I read older historical romances as historical texts.
I would not rate one from the 90s the same way
that I would one that was written today.
Even in the 90s, like, you know.
We lost.
I mean, I live in Texas, but I'm not a confederate.
Caroline is a ghost.
She was alive back then.
The South lost, guys.
They were bad.
I don't know what to tell you.
That's why I just don't.
You could have not written that and written the same book.
You could have just not.
Yeah, it could have been not a war.
We also have the Flame and the Flower, which I read the back
of it.
And I was like, wait, does that say plantation?
And it sure does say plantation.
So I am scared for that part of my life.
There have been several old ones that I bought because the step
back was pretty thrifted, to be clear.
I did not pay the author.
But then read the back and was like, uh-oh.
I'm not going to be reading that.
I have to read the summary now, because I'm like, I cannot.
No matter how the cover does not matter.
I'm like, no, no, no, no, no.
Well, that's why I will trust a historical Western written
within the past five, maybe a little bit before years.
And there have been some really fun ones.
But unless Beverly Jenkins wrote it,
I'm not picking up an old school Western.
Because this was not a safe time.
And again, I'm normally pretty good at separating out
historical romance, especially when we're in Regency or
Victoria.
It's not the place to explore colonialism and racism
and all of that.
That's just not what it's doing.
So this is like a fictional version of the past,
where unless it's like Adriana Herrera or somebody,
we're just not really talking about that.
Yes, in real life, the Dukes were bad guys.
But that's not the focus.
I can separate that out.
But I started this book.
Landlords are not sexy.
No, no, no.
However, comma and or comma but.
But this one, I started and was like,
I actually can't give this more than three stars.
Because I literally, even when I would,
I mean, I didn't like so many other things about it.
But even during the parts that I would start to enjoy,
my brain would be like, this man was a Confederate.
And I'd be like, well, fuck.
I can't read this.
Because I've read the other two in the series as well.
And at least this guy just fucking hated war.
And he just did not like it.
Not really to his credit.
Because he didn't like it for the reason
that you should not like it.
He was like 13, though.
Yeah, they were very small.
But they were also very large.
Like, it's a thing.
Like.
I'm like, I also wouldn't want to walk into war now
as an adult.
No.
There's another civil war.
No.
I mean, the ride that this series was,
it just kept getting worse.
It was like going to like Dante's leg,
whatever levels of hell.
Like.
The Inferno.
I was there.
I was with Dan Brown and Tom Hanks.
It was rare.
I was there.
It was rare.
I was there.
I actually don't remember it all too well.
I have kind of blocked it out from my memory.
I remember some parts of this book.
And I remember the bad parts of the third book.
Book two.
Is book two Houston?
I mean, Austin?
No.
It's the other one.
This is.
Dallas.
Oh my god.
I live in Texas.
I was like, what other cities are there?
San Antonio.
Yes, this man is named San Antonio.
Well, since that actually means Saint Antonio.
Saint Anthony.
Could have been named Anthony.
What even happened in that?
I don't even know.
I did think it was a funny bit when
he mentioned like his brothers are named
after where they're born.
And what's your name?
The heroine was like, what would have happened
if you'd been born in Galveston?
He's like, I don't know, never thought about it.
Which, by the way, is the most like male response.
Specifically like straight men.
You'll be like, well, what about this?
And they're like, I don't know, didn't think about it.
What do you mean you didn't think about it?
Your name, what were the?
So it was Houston, Austin.
Dallas was the oldest.
Dallas.
Yeah.
Yeah, really, there's not much else that would be.
Oh, no.
She found the three names that were.
Fort Worth.
The publisher wants book four.
Absolutely not.
El Paso.
No, I.
Corpus Christi.
You're just named after the body of Christ, it's fine.
What do you have that book to?
Actually, is that what Corpus Christi means?
Not me not knowing if that's whatever.
We just don't have to know about it.
Bro, I don't know.
I am in not Texas.
I have no clue.
I can't even name like any geographical thing.
I'm so bad.
Well, I do have the advantage of living here.
You do.
Well, is it an advantage?
I'm reading the summary of book two and everything's coming back to me now.
It's all coming back to me now.
Yeah.
What a not great time that was.
I mean, there was like no part of me that wanted to read Dallas's book, even by the end of this one.
Austin was literally the only character I cared about.
Oh, he gets fucked up.
I. You know what?
Not to ask you, CK, ED up.
It made me I mean, the worst, the worst time that a dog dies.
Like, what?
What about the dog?
Oh, my God.
Like, I mean, Beverly Jenkins has like the Cougar eat the villain.
No, no.
The Cougar eats the fucking dog.
Like, you know, what world do I want to read that?
Like, no, no.
And it was also just shitty.
It was so bad. It was not a good book.
Sorry to anyone who likes these books.
I, however, have the worst time for the lot.
Like I. The only reason I gave this one three stars is because I was like, OK,
I also gave Prisoner of My Desires.
The Prisoner of My Desire was compelling enough of a read that even if I didn't
like what was happening, I was invested and I wanted to know what was going to happen.
Yeah. There were multiple times.
Like the only reason I finished this one, I read most of it on a plane
or the audiobook I listened to most of it.
And then it took me days where I would listen to like a few chapters at night.
So I was traveling and I I would get back late and like want to go to bed.
But I was like, hang on, let me work on this book.
But I didn't care about the ending.
Because I was like, you're going to marry this man is what it was.
The ending was not good because I actually I liked the first half.
I thought that he was a very lonely, sad, strange little man.
And I enjoyed their whatever the fuck was happening
when he like picked her up from that train station.
It felt very Kit McBride.
And then she married his brother because he couldn't be like, no,
maybe don't marry my brother.
I actually want to marry you.
And I'm like, OK, this was a million steps too far.
Like everything like convalescing into that.
I was like, OK, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That. Yeah, I really can't.
I don't even like.
I mean, I really dislike when they're engaged to the.
I can do it for a little while.
It's not a great plot line for me.
I can do it if it's handled fairly early on.
Like I have read somewhere it's been OK.
But I have also read a lot where I'm like, this is too long.
I don't like it. I need out.
That's what happened.
I read The Prospectors Only Prospect and it was like a five star read
until you got to the third act break up.
And it was. It ruined the book for me.
Like it brought it down to three stars.
I will never reread that book.
Like I have no like compunction to ever visit it again
because it was the most senseless, pointless, like I'm engaged
or like mail order bride, technically engaged to the other brother,
falls for the other one.
And then like, oh, in some great act of, I don't know, like kindness,
you just like, oh, yeah, go marry the other one that you have no relationship with.
But you were technically like with them first because you wrote a letter.
Like, no, no, no, no, no.
Like, yeah, it's not my favorite plot line.
And it just it took.
I mean, I mean, I guess Lorraine Heath will go that far.
And she did. I mean, she will. But they got married.
I even like it's the whole like speak now element of it all.
Like he just said, but like the thing I can't even
I don't even like when it gets that far, with the exception of like an island princess.
And it was like the only book where that was like an actually like fun way to do it.
Right. Any other time.
And this is true of like movies. Yeah.
Romcoms. I mean, if we get to the wedding, I'm like, it's too late now.
You have lost your chance. Yeah.
When the ratings that I felt at that plot line, I was like, absolutely not.
You've gone way too far. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. We could I handled this way before now.
And it still could have had the drama of like you were engaged to somebody else
and now you're calling it off.
It just didn't have to happen at the wedding.
And they didn't have to go through with it.
It's married.
What was the solution? Did it was it a divorce?
Yeah. Yeah. They got like they annulled it because they hadn't had sex yet.
Oh, that's right. OK. Yeah.
But also, what a stupid like
I was so angry.
Like, again, like I enjoyed them on the road together,
like all situations that like put them on the road again.
They really were like all of the force proximity.
There was a sexy snake bite.
He had an eye patch like there.
There were things.
I didn't think the snake bite was sexy.
He like sucked her. I thought it was sexy.
I was like, you know what? Honestly, fair enough.
I'd get bitten by a snake if it really like meant.
For anybody who watched or is familiar with a very Potter musical.
Yes. No. Was that a yes, you are familiar.
I think I've seen it. OK.
Well, the knows the production company, Team StarKid, that put that on.
I was a big fan of theirs for many years.
And my production company in college started
because we really wanted to do another show of theirs called The Trail to Oregon,
which is based on the video game.
Yeah. So it was like an interactive musical where at the beginning it was like five.
Five, six actors.
One, two, three, four, five. Yeah. Six actors.
Five family members.
One of the family members doubled as like one of the bad guys
and one guy who played the villain and also literally every other character in the show.
At the beginning of the show, audience members got to choose the family's names.
And then at intermission, they voted which one of the family was going to die of dysentery.
So I vote everyone in the series dies of dysentery.
So I played the mom and the dad's an idiot.
I was like the only I was the straight man, like the only logical person.
And there is a scene where he had to seduce me into this child size Scooby Doo sleeping bag that we had.
And I'm like, OK, fine.
And as soon as I get in, I get bit by a snake.
And we had this like stuffed snake that I would hold to my leg and I would scream and be like,
it's a snake. Get it off, get it off.
So he rips it off. And I'm like, you have to suck the poison out.
And he like so first he has to like kiss his way up my leg.
And I'm like, what the hell are you doing?
And he's like, I don't know, is this working for you?
And I'm like, no, get the poison out of my leg.
And he being an idiot does suck the poison out.
And I'm like, oh, thank you so much.
You saved me.
And then he swallows.
And then he has like a hallucinatory song and we all think he's dead.
And and that is all I could think of when he was doing that.
I was like, I'm not supposed to swallow it.
I know he didn't, but I think it would have been more fun if he did, frankly.
I actually can't tell you that he didn't.
So honestly, this is my can.
No, he was sucking and spitting.
Oh, good for him.
He's not.
Well, anyway, welcome to RopePancer TBR.
It's been 20 good minutes with your favorite host, Hannah.
And I'm Caroline.
Yeah, I I just know part of me wants to see the heroine marry.
No, the brother, the hero, like fully married.
Like I just I don't.
And it was like 60 percent like it was like there was still book left.
Like you still had to like deal with that stuff.
Yeah, I just I don't I don't know.
I don't get it.
I didn't like Dallas.
I didn't like even the little like, oh, this is what actually happened.
I was like, OK, and still don't like Dallas.
No.
I didn't dislike Houston except for the whole Confederacy thing.
But I also didn't like Houston.
It was a mark against him.
Yeah, but I also didn't really like him.
She was kind of annoying by the end of that book where I was like, duh.
I mean, she was annoying towards the beginning, too, but I could kind of deal with it.
But then she just kind of kept going.
And I hesitate to call heroines annoying, by the way,
because I think they get called that way too frequently.
But this one, I truly was like, I can't.
I didn't really care about their romance, if I'm being honest.
Well, I like I get like I liked the first half and then it was just so long.
Yeah, I think I like the first quarter.
I liked the setup and then I was like, OK, guys.
Yeah.
Well, because again, like the potential for like the mail order,
Brad, like and like whatever to my brother and then like the other one like falls for.
Like it can work, but this was just not an example.
Unfortunately, I just I mean, like. I just.
I'd like to see Amy Berry do it.
I really know that's not the setup for Bo's book,
but I would like one who like the brother sends away for a mail order bride.
Yeah, so that he's actually looking right.
And she's one of the other brothers.
I think it could work.
There'd be zero confederacy.
There would be zero confederacy.
All the brides are like fun enough that I don't think it would be like,
oh, no, this might ruin that relationship.
I would love that for the missing twin.
Oh, I.
Yeah.
Because we're getting about the missing.
Right.
Because we've got no attachment.
We've got no like nothing besides like loving him because he's like part of kid or whatever.
So like I would love him to be like, oh, yes, I want my little love story.
And then to have something better than this book happened to him.
Doesn't deserve this book.
He's been, I don't know, separated from his family for years.
Presumed dead, gone through a lot of shit.
I'm assuming he's got to be alive.
We've been through this before.
There is no way she keeps mentioning this long lost twin brother and he's not alive.
I just I hope not the Chekhov's twin brother.
Can you imagine the series ends?
Oh, yeah, he's actually like we found his bum.
We found his body.
He was he was in the garden.
There's a record of him being buried in this random churchyard somewhere.
Yeah, so I'm holding out hope for him.
For a hero, if you will.
For I'm holding out for a hero.
And I need him to be what Houston was not.
None of that.
I mean, you're right.
Like Austin, he had the potential.
And then I mean, OK, spoilers.
We we know they're going to happen.
So I don't know.
Literally his book.
So he had that whatever girl that you kind of see in Book One and you see her also in Book Two, like the young love situation.
Maybe you didn't see it in Book One.
I don't think I don't think so.
Amazing.
Fabulous.
So I don't remember.
So he had like it was she was like a shopkeeper's daughter.
Oh, yeah, I don't think we.
Yeah, OK.
So it must have been in Book Two.
So he like had a little romance with her.
You find out that they had like sex.
And then on that night, the villain from Book Two, who was maybe part of the don't don't quote me on that.
The villain was murdered.
OK, so some some man who was a bad person was murdered.
And Austin doesn't have an alibi because it would have meant ruining her reputation because they were fornicating under the stars.
And so he decides to go to jail for a cool five years rather than say, oh, yeah, I was canoodling with the shopkeeper's daughter.
So he just goes to jail at the end of Book Two and you have to be OK with it.
I was not. I was not OK with it.
So then you open Book Three with this man.
Now, he's a man.
He's not a cute little fresh boy.
He's a he's a dirty boy.
He's a dirty boy because he's been in jail and he's got a chip on his shoulder, rightfully so, but also of his own making because he voluntarily went to jail for murder that he didn't commit.
And like he he's rightfully angry when she has married his best friend.
And he's like, well, that was really shitty.
So I'm going to go have a little emo walk on that emo journey of his.
He stumbles upon this traumatic ass backstory of the heroine whose entire family was murdered in front of her.
She was left for dead.
She was shot.
Her brother was strung up by the rafters, murdered in front of her.
Her parents were shot.
And she's just been living in this house with her dog trying to make the best of a terrible situation.
He comes in.
They have sex.
She's a virgin like they have like right away.
She's like, wow, let me go have sex with this man who I actually probably can't even trust.
But he looks right.
So let's do it.
And then she gets pregnant.
Her dog gets eaten by a wildcat.
They get married because she's pregnant.
And I have no clue why poor sweet little Austin had to have that because I hated him in that book.
He was not a good person.
Nothing about his journey was great or good.
And she just, he just, it was like, what?
And then her backstory was so traumatic.
Like book two got sad.
Book two got really fucking sad by the end.
Like, like my Goodreads thing is like, wow, when I said this was boring, I didn't mean
for it to get this fucking sad.
And then you go into book three and it's exponentially worse.
So like, I just don't.
I mean, is that, I mean, I just, I don't know.
I don't know why.
Why?
Why is my question.
Why?
You know?
Like, poor Austin, the sweetest little boy.
I have no answers for you.
Me neither.
I call me Ariel because I have no words.
I got nothing.
I right here in River City.
Is that a reference to something?
Yes.
Cool.
Music man, the music man.
We've got trouble.
Right here in River City.
Well, we do have trouble right here in this podcast.
I just, it just got consistently worse.
And worse and worse.
And like Lorraine Heath, you did this to me?
Question mark.
My Lorraine Heath of the Guerrilla Twinswap book?
Of the once more my darling with a giant-ass dragon tattoo on his back book?
You did this to him.
Like what?
I mean if there's one thing- I've only read the one- the Guerrilla Twinswap, so I-
But I feel confident based on the summaries of the books of hers that I know if there's one thing
Lorraine Heath will do, it's commit.
It is commit.
Yond the point where any other author going where no authors dare to go.
This is uncharted waters.
I'm not the hot kind.
Not the hot kind?
This is the- this is the
Davy Jones locker kind. Like what?
What? I...
Like there was just- there was so much there, I think
with the setup of that first novel.
And then she was just like why don't I create the most toxic environment possible?
And she did.
She really did.
She did.
I mean just my like-
my descent into hell
was not great.
When you said descent, I thought you meant descent like D-I-S-S.
And like a-
My descent.
Just my descent and I was like true. I also would like to write a descent.
Our descent as well.
You know like the minority.
Yeah, because honestly the majority. Let's look on Goodreads.
3.99 out of 5.
7,346 ratings.
548 reviews.
And...
What?
Our descent. This is our descent. You've heard it now.
You've heard it.
I didn't care for the romance.
I feel like she somehow- we spent so much time with them on the trail and yet
it was awful.
I felt like I knew so little about-
Yeah, because the second half could have been them getting to where they were supposed to go and actually getting to know each other.
But it wasn't.
Yeah, it almost felt like- I mean you know in books when they'll do like a time jump and the author is like
they've talked so much and gotten to know each other and it's like well that's the part I wanted to read.
She somehow gave us that but also didn't. Like I don't know- it was bizarre.
I like- we got them talking a little bit, but I guess because Houston talked so little except when she was asking him questions like-
Yeah.
I felt like there was more
like traveling and
like other things going on where I like- I was like do you actually know each other? Like you told me you do but
it doesn't really feel like it to me.
Well, I just- I just can't abide a
romance hero and heroin or just romance couple in general.
Getting through over half of the book and then marry
someone else and letting that happen.
Like what- like bro, you don't deserve her. Like you don't-
You don't deserve whatever ending you get that's happy
because you let her marry someone else. You didn't jump on his back and rip out his hair. You didn't speak violence.
You just- you didn't speak at all.
Like I-
I just- I-
Yeah.
I tried. I really did.
Not that-
Look speaking out only applies to women because men don't need to be speaking.
That is true.
However, I will say this was the exception or I was like-
Yeah.
My guy. You waited too long.
Well, yeah, and then the Austin had the run-in with like the thieves who then stole the horse and he's like my- the horse died and then he's like oh that's sad.
And I'm like, it was just- I was just like there's just so much like I don't need to deal with it.
It's like I've been a wall.
And it's not the hot chiseled ab kind of wall.
It's just a brick wall. I've hit it.
And I'm concussed and not particularly happy.
I just-
Yeah, honestly, I'm taking it down to two stars. I thought I did- like I was like I knew- but you're right.
I could probably go back and re-Prisoner of my Desire and catch things that I didn't catch before
and like maybe go further into the nuance of their relationship.
This one, there's nothing.
I even- like there were the parts where she would read his letters over and over and I was honestly kind of hoping for a like
Cyrano situation where it was like, oh, Houston wrote all the letters the whole time.
Yeah, that- mmm.
I would have loved it. I would have eaten it up, but instead I'm like, oh no, they were just- they were just Dallas's letters.
She just really liked Dallas's letters, so I don't really understand what we're doing here.
Maybe Amy Berry read this book and was like, yo, fuck that, and then wrote it with Bride.
She was like, I'm going to invent a mail-order bride situation that is so much more fun and romantic.
And soft and sweet. Like, I just-
Because I have- I have to assume this is a good one.
I have to assume this would happen with a Crested Cole.
And the prisoner might decide-
I think she read that, but it was like, fuck that. Let's write something better and sexier.
And she did. And Amy Berry did. Without any sex, might I add you?
Like, I just- I might. I did. I do. Like, at what cost?
Like, I've successfully blocked out like 80% of the series, but the 20% that's still there is persistent.
Psychic damage, truly.
Psychic damage.
Every single time she was like, well, my father on the plantation, I was like, on the plantation?
And she like used it as like an equal, like, trauma to some things.
I mean, she did experience sim for real trauma.
Yeah.
And I'm not opposed to discussing the trauma that like, people in the South endured. However,
I just- there were other people who had endured much worse trauma for much longer.
But like, I guess we just don't have like, besides Beverly Jenkins, any real experience with this.
I just was not expecting them not to be like staunchly anti-slavery.
You know?
That's why I avoid old school Western.
Exactly.
I mean, we needed to include one for the old school school of it all.
And we're going to get probably another one with the flame in the flower.
Sure.
Because I mean, it's right on the-
That back summary, when I read that, I was like, holy shit.
It's rough.
I mean, I am not.
I mean-
We knew going in. We're reading historic texts, right?
I'm just so used to reading recent stuff that like, deals with it and like addresses it and like,
opposes it on page.
It just opposed the like, nuisance that freedom-
It did oppose the nuisance.
That freedom like, posed to them.
But also just like, even if you had taken that out, I still didn't like this book.
No.
So I can't even be like, oh well, you know, mine is good.
No.
I just straight up didn't like it.
And it made it worse because the whole time I would be like, I'm not rooting for you.
Because like, I just-
Not everyone deserves an AGA.
No.
Especially if you can't even stop a wedding for it.
I-
It just was such a-
3.99% increase.
Like, what book did they read?
I don't know.
Because truly, and I had already known because you had told me that it goes way too far in the third act.
So I already knew they were going to get married.
And somehow still, I was like-
I cannot believe that they got married.
Like, how do you come out of this?
And it just took-
I'm like, also like, Houston, where was your Speak Now era when we needed it?
But also, Amelia, you know you're in love with this other guy.
Like at a certain point, I don't know.
She committed.
She committed to the-
I mean, she seriously was like, I'm going to marry somebody.
Like, I'm here, I'm going to marry-
But like, I don't know.
I feel like she also just knows.
Yeah.
Because even in the second marrying off Morgan McBride, where it veered into a little bit too long and a little bit too random.
She didn't marry him when he was being a dick.
And she didn't settle.
She went to go work in the town and made it for herself and was doing her thing.
She just, in this one, just married the brother.
And I'm like, I get that this is your whole-
This is everything you have left.
You're dedicating your dream to somebody, whatever.
But like, I was just so annoyed with her for not standing up for her own-
I mean, I guess to a certain extent she did.
She was asking him to say something.
But I-
I respect that grind of being so stubborn that you're going to want to make him suffer.
But I also don't respect that grind because it made me suffer.
I just feel like before the wedding, for me to respect Amelia, I would have needed her to before the wedding go to Dallas and be like, I'm going to level with you.
He didn't touch me, but I'm in love with your brother.
The conversation that she and Dallas had before where he's like, you can go talk to him and do what you want to do, essentially.
If he wants to marry you and you want to do that, I'll get the annulment, whatever.
I would have liked that conversation even the night before the wedding or something.
Where Amelia is like, fuck it.
Whereas-
I'm going to do what I want to do.
I mean, we're using Kit McBride as like, I don't know-
Because that was a good Western-
Yeah, whereas Morgan in book one, it was a total joke to him.
Flirting with Maddie, doing all of that was just a joke to set off Kit.
He was never going to marry her.
Obviously, she wasn't intended for him, which I guess is that kind of issue that we didn't have in that series, thank God.
But it was just fun.
And this wasn't fun.
I mean, I don't think it was meant to be fun.
It was meant to be angsty, but I didn't-
I know.
I like angst, but this was not angst that I felt was justified or enjoyable.
I would have just loved for her to just be like Fiona and Shrek, get a cave, get a large piece of wood,
put it in front of the cave door, maybe a little bit of a boulder, turn it into an ogre for a little bit,
and be a little bit angry.
And then that's the book.
I don't know, she just married his brother.
I mean, I get it.
She was like, I'm here to marry somebody, and if you're not going to stand up for it, then fine, I'll go through with the plan to marry Dallas.
But like-
I mean, now that we're thinking, Shrek is just the better version of this, really.
I mean, oh, you know what?
If we're doing something.
She wasn't- why is that literally the same plot line, except that Farquaad and Shrek aren't brothers?
Because she was so determined.
She's like, I'm going to fucking do this, because I've been stuck in this tower for my entire life, and I'm pissed off.
And she- yeah.
No, you're so right.
Right?
Okay.
Guys, why would you read Texas Destiny when you could just watch Shrek?
And it comes with a sick soundtrack, so like-
An amazing soundtrack.
I mean, I- that entire- they're making- I think they're making another Shrek more power to them.
Another one?
I know.
I know the most recent- I don't think I saw either the last two.
They slapped in different ways.
They didn't slap like Shrek 1 or Shrek 2, but I'm always gonna- I'm always gonna pour one out for that green guy, you know?
Not that green guy.
Green guy.
And really, stop this podcast, stop reading this book, and watch Shrek.
It really will give you what you need to know, like she never- she doesn't go through with it.
He gets a dragon, he gets through the window, he disrupts the wedding.
Like, that's the kind of angst that we want with the whole wedding thing.
It's true.
You know?
Like, it worked.
I mean, they had the hallelujah scene.
Like, there was-
There's even one of the first of the medieval larkinsale, for My Lady's Heart, is also- it's not like he's bringing her to her husband.
She's kind of trying to get away, but then she ends up kind of going back to the marriage that was kind of intended.
So it's not strictly the same, but it is like she falls for this knight who's traveling with her, and then there's a potential husband at the end of it, but-
There are ways to do this.
It was delicious.
That are delicious, that are parfait, layered, things like of the sort.
Everybody likes parfait.
And then there's-
I'm making waffles.
This is not waffles.
This is like raisin bran.
Why do you have to slander raisin bran?
I love raisins, but raisin bran was the only one that I could think of that as not universally-
Sure.
It's not waffles.
So yeah, really, Shrek is a cowboy, and you're better off with that than this.
It's true.
I just like, why would I read about this cowboy when I could read about Kent Randolph?
Mm-hmm.
I mean-
The ultimate hottest cowboy, if I'm being honest.
I don't even know how you even start that dialogue.
Being like, this book or that book.
You don't.
And then you don't, because it's not a question.
There's no question.
It's just facts.
No.
Ice Spice said it's facts.
It's facts.
That is how I say facts.
I go, facts.
And I think of Ice Spice every single time.
Facts.
That is high comedy.
Just like Shrek.
Because the funniest thing you will ever watch is Shrek 2.
I'm so sorry.
I'm not wearing ladies underwear.
He's wearing ladies underwear.
Come on.
You're right.
I know.
It was funny for me as a child because I was like, ha ha, he's wearing ladies underwear.
And it's funny for me now because Nokia was wearing a thong.
And then you learn so much more.
I did not.
The whole Bronco and the O.J. Simpson thing.
I did not know that as a kid.
And then I watched a whole Dateline documentary.
And I watched Shrek 2.
And I was like, oh my god.
And I had none of those epiphanies during this book.
I just had visceral anger.
Absolutely no correlation.
But really, if you need epiphanies, that's what Morgan McBride's book is for.
Yeah.
Like I.
If you haven't read it, the heroine's name is epiphany.
Stop.
This entire book.
Go spend nine hours of your life.
I'm so genuinely like, why would you read this when you could read Michelle McClain's Westerns, the Gunslinger books, Beverly Jenkins or the McBride books?
I just.
There's also one I want to read.
I think it's called They Ain't Proper.
And it's another mail order bride, but it's a non-binary person who ends up like we're trying to order houseplants and a housewife turns up.
I haven't read it.
I just like saw it.
No.
But I was like, they ain't proper.
Noted.
Added to TBR.
I think it's on KU.
Maybe.
I'm not sure.
Sounds.
It doesn't sound like a delightful time.
Yeah.
What did you call?
They aren't.
They ain't proper.
I think is the title, although I could be wrong.
By MB.
Oh, it's this one.
OK.
I've definitely seen the cover published May 18th in twenty twenty three want to read it in that button.
Nope.
Didn't hit it.
No, no.
Wow.
Oh, yeah.
Temper tantrums, blow ups and meltdowns.
Listeners do not quote us on this.
We have not read the book, but sure have not.
But we have read this one.
Don't recommend that.
So true.
There's only so much to say when you only so much and they're Confederates.
I mean, I guess is that like, what is the lesson that we've learned here?
I think the lesson is normally men should not speak, but if she's going to marry your brother, maybe speak now.
That's it.
That's the only lesson I've got.
Sometimes you do have to enter your speak now era.
Like, that's the lesson.
I don't know what else to tell you.
Like my cheeky ones before the book got bad were iPad stays on during sex, which none of those vibes were had.
Sorry to inform you.
Getting bit by a snake can be very sexy.
I thought so.
Caroline did not.
I mean, I could see the like tender at least.
At least you didn't have to pee on her leg like a jellyfish thing.
That's actually a myth.
Well, at least he didn't believe the myth.
That's true.
He on her leg anyway, and then had to lick it up.
Oh, oh, oh, I know.
Piss kink.
Um, I'm like looking at my notes.
So the things I liked, there were a few.
I will be fair.
I did like that.
No, I can't even find the things I liked.
I did like silence.
Okay.
He played checkers with his horse.
Oh, I forgot about that.
That was a great bit.
That was very cute.
That was great.
I did love that.
Um, I love how he was so angry at himself for like being able to see her through the tent when the flame and the candle was like lit because he could like see her shadow.
He was very ashamed.
It also very turned on.
I liked that he had only kissed one woman and had sex, I guess.
One woman, whatever.
Connachy McBride coated.
Um, the little girl kissing his wounds.
That was adorable.
Yes.
Oh, you're right.
She single handedly one, one, um, that scene.
That was very cute.
I know.
She shaved him, not the little girl.
No.
Um, the heroine shaved the hero.
I did love that.
That was good for me.
So see, there were there were things that were like building to like my heart, like opening up and like spilling out onto my seat.
Wow.
That was an interesting metaphor.
Thank you.
Um, I'm a pinata.
Whack me with a stick and I'll give you something interesting.
Um, well, that's that's a.
Getting kinkier than I anticipated in this.
Uh, oh yeah.
Um, Houston did not tell, um, whatever her name is who I don't even know what this woman's name is.
Do you know Amelia?
Amelia.
Yes, you do know.
She does know listeners.
Um, Houston.
You didn't hear the exchange.
Houston did not tell her to purchase clothes.
That was all talus.
No other way around.
Oh, fuck.
Well, I even wrote it wrong in my notes and that was me just listening to this book.
So really am I to blame?
I had a one in three chance and I didn't get it.
But honestly, honestly, who would really remember?
I only remember Austin because he was so fucked over and fucked up and then fucked everything up himself.
Oh, wait.
No, I did write it right.
I'm just bad at reading.
Nice.
Yeah.
Cool.
It could be like sometimes it do be sometimes I'll read words and they are not the words that are actually on the page.
They are words that I made up and I'm like, oh, that changes the meaning of the sentence.
Now I did not clock it and I'll reread because I'm like, that was a really weird exchange.
And I'm like, oh, it was just me.
I'm really weird.
The book is normal.
See, I think I basically went through the things that I liked and then there's just all the hour and so that we didn't like.
I didn't like most of it.
Yeah.
The horse and the checkers was really.
Yeah, that was the main thing.
The horse playing checkers and the little girl kissing.
If that entire book could have just been that energy, you have a different story and also less Confederacy.
But alas, yeah, I would say like 100 percent less Confederacy.
I'd appreciate it.
I really would.
I should say 100 percent less pro Confederacy.
I wouldn't have minded the presence of it if they were anti.
Yeah.
Or we even could have just not addressed it.
Like we could have just like not said it post or like just not had it be so close to the Civil War.
Like, I just don't get like there could have been a different source of his trauma.
There's this like weird fascination whenever these things are written, because there are so many that you have to avoid and you have to like look to make sure that they they're not.
Well, I mean, I think is the old south is like the closest to this idea of like the Regency aristocratic classes that America has.
And so that's what their go to is that like.
But this isn't even that because we're not dealing with like Southern bells and that like stratified Southern society.
We're dealing with the frontier.
Unfortunately, deeply.
Just.
I mean, maybe the lesson all along is go watch Shrek instead.
I'm so serious.
There are there.
And honestly, then go watch Shrek, too, because that piano scene.
Is one of the greatest cinematic masterpieces.
It's true.
This day and age.
I cannot be said about this book.
Speaking of jokes that like were funny to me as a child, but are funnier now as an adult.
I quote the they don't even have dental all the time.
For some reason, that cracked me up as a kid, and I don't think I fully understood the joke.
I just thought it was like a funny exchange, but I've been quoting it for years and no one else in my family thinks it's like that funny of a bit.
But I think it's hysterical.
They don't even have dental.
We're from the Union.
They don't even have dental.
My favorite really obscure thing that no one else finds funny is that I'm a huge fan of the movie All the President's Men.
And I read also that book by Woodward and Bernstein.
But in the movie, there's a scene where one of the like the fall guys says something about like his wife and his kid and his dog and his cat.
Like I got a wife and a kid and a dog and a cat. Like that's why I can't like take down Nixon.
And I say it all the time. Like Hannah, go get the laundry. I have a wife and a kid and a dog and a cat.
Like I can't go get the laundry. I've got a wife and a kid and a dog and a cat.
I can't.
I'm a dog and a cat.
Like I can't do it.
And it stuck with me.
And then we watched it recently. My mom was like, that's where I'm like, yeah, that's where that's from.
I don't have a wife and a kid and a dog and a cat.
I have the dream.
They're like, oh, OK.
So that's my that's my dental.
God, those movies are just so amazing.
They're so clever. They're so smart.
And I will die on that hill.
Well, I really will.
That's it. That's how we're rounding it out, guys.
Yeah, that really is Shrek Shrek.
Mm hmm.
The episode was about Shrek all along, guys.
You didn't know.
As with every episode, we don't do it.
But I bet we could make a Shrek like analogy or something.
And everyone, we we we spare you Shrek.
Exactly.
OK.
Well, season one was six degrees from Nicholas Cage.
And now it's six degrees from Shrek.
We're bringing you the hot takes, guys.
You're always going to be six degrees from either Taylor Swift or Shrek.
Oh, you're going to be about one degree from Taylor Swift.
Let's be honest.
Zero degrees.
They don't even have dental.
Like, well, wow.
That's it. That's all I got.
Yeah, I just wish that we would have not had to read that book.
But alas, we did.
So hopefully, maybe you didn't read along with us and you were like, I'm just going to wait.
And then you listen to this, you're like, I'm just going to never.
And I support you.
And if you're like, wow, I think I'm still going to read it.
And then you read it and you hate it.
Well, told you so.
Booyah.
Or if you read book one, you're like, well, what if I also read books two and book three just to finish up a series?
And then you also hate it.
Also told you because like same.
But not great.
Worse, actually, just progressively worse.
Just bad all around.
So what a great note to leave you on.
It's not one of Caroline's actual musical notes.
It's just it doesn't deserve it.
No, it's just a don't read this book note.
And if you did read it, go watch Shrek instead to like cleanse your soul.
And with that, I don't think we have any announcements.
Next check our most recent newsletter for queer historical romance novella recommendations and a giveaway.
Did you say when that's ending in the newsletter?
I have no clue.
I believe I did.
It ends June 20th, a week.
I think I said in the newsletter, I definitely trust you.
So this episode that we're recording goes live on the 16th.
So you've got a few days to enter.
And stay tuned for more queer historical romance.
The secret lives of country gentlemen.
Yes.
And our TBR Tuesday.
Yes, that's going to be unhinged.
We're going to do our best, but it's going to be long.
So stay tuned for more queer recommendations.
And I think the next one of this old school school is dreaming of you by Lisa Clayton.
Oh, hell yeah.
I haven't read it.
Lisa, Lisa, don't let us down.
Lorraine, let us down.
Lisa, please don't.
No, no, no.
The next one is the proposition by Judith.
I'm Jesus.
Then dreaming of you.
Oh, what do you mean?
Oh, I've heard good things about Judith.
I know, but I just want to lose a claim.
That's not until mid July.
Why did I get that in my head?
Well, it is the next one.
But we still have the proposition.
I am so confused, which is nothing new.
But wow.
Okay.
Yeah, I'm wrong.
I know.
It's okay.
Dreaming of you is the proposition.
Okay.
Yeah.
Wow.
Okay.
Well, wild times are afoot.
Wild times have been afoot.
Trek has two feet.
This book has zero legs to stand on.
What kind of weird ass poem?
Spoken word bullshit.
I don't know.
Artists can't recreate their art, so I can't.
I'm so sorry for that.
Thank you.
I appreciate your condolences.
I have nothing else.
Enter your speak now era.
Go watch Trek.
Two main things to come away from this episode.
Come away with from this episode.
Okay.
Ciao, Bella.
Where the hell you been, Loka?
Twilight jar.
Give me the Twilight tax.
Twilight tax.
I will.
There's also been many Shrek taxes.
At this point, we are in Shrek debt.
We are in Shrek debt.
Shrek jail.
I'm not wearing ladies underwear.
It's a thong.