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Greetings and salutations, firsters and seconders, and welcome back to the

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Laughing Matters Podcast Presents This Could Help. Yeah, yeah, that's right. Got a

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lot of channel crossover right now and things are gonna get weird. Maybe. I don't know.

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Anyways, if you saw the last episode, you saw that I decided first submission be

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damned. I was going to go ahead and do my first advice episode. And thank you so

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much for watching that. Unfortunately, I had had a hard time finding submissions

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from people seeking advice, which was triggering flashbacks to my own barren

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inbox at willhelpmail.com. Anyways, I have stumbled across a not only

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bountiful source, but a somewhat pre-sorted one. Start by saying that I

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have a very specific reason that I've used Reddit in the past, so I don't want

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to hear all the moaning about the toxicity of so many of their user base. I

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go to very specific Reddits where I have a very specific question that I would

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like to take to people who are knowledgeable on the subject. And that's

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where a lot of the experts hang out. So I go to r slash Samsung for stuff about my

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phone or r slash lightsabers for any help that I need. And then I hear everybody

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out, which is brilliant in its own right. Because typically if someone gives a

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wrong answer, that makes the rest of them way more likely to post a response calling

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it out. So it's pretty easy to spot a wrong answer. It's not cancel culture.

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It's correcting culture. Yes. So if you haven't figured out yet, I went to r slash

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advice and then I sorted by top of the year. So we're gonna try some of these

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out. And again, a heads up, I have not pre-read any of these or read any of the

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advice that was given on the website. I just unfocused my eyes a bit and

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selected the bold text, copy and pasted it into a notepad file and haven't looked

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since. So this is still 100% I'm seeing for the first time. New to me, new to you.

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Let's go. So without further ado, blind selections from r slash advice.

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Let's get it. My relationship right now is on the rocks. Okay. My boyfriend and I

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are always fighting because of small things and and we can admit that we are

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now both toxic. His family didn't like me at all because they think that I am the

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reason why he is being like that. Toxic, I guess. They didn't know that he had

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anger issues even before. Ah, I'm fairly well versed in anger issues. Mike got you

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on this one. He easily gets mad and he's throwing a temper whenever he's mad.

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That's not good. There are times that he almost hurt himself and me as well. But

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once we calmed down, we could talk about what happened and we kept apologizing to

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each other. I'm not sure what to do anymore. Is this still worth continuing?

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How can we improve our relationship? Going further in this relationship makes

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me happy and sad. Thank you for your help.

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Okay, man. I didn't realize it was gonna be this hard to give advice. Like there

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were gonna be so many moments where I'm just torn on things. But you came for

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advice. Let's give you advice. Let's give you as good of advice as we can. Okay, so

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out of the gate you talk about you guys are toxic for each other. Like you bring

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out the toxicness in each other, which is basically saying that you guys bring

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out maybe the worst in each other. But you definitely bring out stuff that you

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would rather not have out. Things that aren't good for the relationship. Things

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that aren't good for either of you. Toxic. So yeah, that immediately puts me

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up on, well, if this is the first thing you're introducing the relationship as,

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that might be telling enough on its own. But I want to give you the tools to

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deal with whatever you choose to do. And maybe some helpful ways to figure it out.

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But I'm not gonna tell you whether or not you should stay in this relationship.

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God's a big proponent of free will. I am too. These are your decisions to make.

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However, maybe I'll help you see a side of it that wasn't totally clear before.

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Or we'll see where we get with this. So anger. The problem with passion in a

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relationship is that in some it lights and fuels other fires. Like anger. And

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anger becomes easy because something that they really care about is on the

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line. We'll come back to that in a moment. But one of the key components of love

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between partners is that you become emotionally tethered. If your partner

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isn't happy, you in turn find yourself incapable of being happy. It's one of the

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reasons you see that hollow smile from people that are nursing their partners

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through terminal illnesses. It's also a big part of when they say when a

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heart breaks, no it don't break even. When there's a breakup that's one-sided.

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What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always with you?

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Right, when there's a breakup that's I'm falling to pieces. When there's a breakup

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that's one-sided. That person still clutching the emotional tether is no

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longer getting love from it. Affection from it. Purpose from it. And they now

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have no one to send these to either. And their happiness, their happiness keeps

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waiting for that emotional signal that says it's okay to be happy again. It's

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particularly hard on the heart if they find out that the exes moved on happily

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before they realize that their happiness will have to take its cues from

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themselves for the time being. They don't really seem to understand how that

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person can be happy when they themselves are still unhappy and the brain can't

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really rationalize why they feel this way. Now some people that are fresh out

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of a breakup rebound in an effort to hand that tether to somebody else for a

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while. But they aren't the ones that made up half of the tether in the first place

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so it just it doesn't feel right. Now there's a lot that I don't know from

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your letter. I don't know if you're if you are in love with him or if your

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happiness is dependent on his. I don't know the thickness and thoroughness of

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your tether. And as I said before, I don't know if you should stay with him.

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Now if you want the ultimate, quickest, most direct answer, if you believe in

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some version of God, ask God. That's the only one with the inside track of how

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every path plays out. If you need a yes or no to the question, should I stay with

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him? God's the only one that you can get that correct answer from. Otherwise you

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are going to have to decide that one for yourself. Now if you decide to stay with

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him, I would recommend speaking with him about how his anger frightens you. But

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coming at it from a point of saying that you want to be the person that helps to

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quiet the storm that rages within, make him understand that ultimately he's the

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one that's gonna have to do the heaviest lifting here. But let him know that you

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want to be the cooled cloth to his feverish brow, the beauty that soothes

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this savage for him. It's been my experience that guys that are quick to

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rage, they hate that about themselves, but also they have a tendency to be

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proud of said rage, their ability to rage, their fiercfulness. So treating it with

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some a monochrome of respect will go far. But at the same time, no, it's not okay

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for him to behave like this. You know, between you and me, not okay. But let's

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approach this in a way that's appealing to him. And one of the ways to help calm

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that storm that I myself have used because I may not look like it, but I had

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very serious anger control issues when I was growing up. I wasn't even a short

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fuse person. I was a an ember sitting on on just like open black powder, waiting

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for somebody to just go, it was bad. That was bad. But I've spent a lifetime working on

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that and I am a very calm, still very passionate person. My anger will always

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be dangerous. My anger will always be a problem, but it's one that I've learned

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to work through. So I'm gonna give you this to help with that. I call it the

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kindergartner method. When you see his anger rising about something and it

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would be helpful to let him know that this is gonna happen before he's

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actually angry about something, lay out the game plan for this one so he knows

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the game we're playing when this happens. But when he rages point-blank, ask him

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what can I do to help you right now? If he says nothing, gently extend the offer

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to listen without rebuttal, but be okay with leaving him alone too. I explain to

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him that if you see him becoming angry or irritated that you're going to ask

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him why he's angry. When he replies, you're going to ask, okay, but why does

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that make you angry? Let him know this is probably gonna piss him off more, but

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that's his anger trying to protect itself from him because it knows that

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he's about to find a way out of its grip. If he keeps honestly answering the

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question, okay, but why did that make you angry? He will reach the core of what is

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generating all that anger. I call it the kindergartner method because you're just

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constantly asking why. In the 15 years that I've been using this method on

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myself, in every single instance looking that core in the eye and naming it out

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loud either dissipated almost all of my anger or all of it, but that's got to be

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something that he's willing to do. Famous stand-up comedian Chris Rock once said,

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okay people say, oh relationships are tough. No they're not. They're only tough when one

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person's working on it. That's right. Two people can move a couch real easy. One

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person can't move it at all. So he's got to be willing to throw in with you on

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this. I would say that's a gonna be a great indicator because his response

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is his willingness to give that a shot should tell you where it give you an

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idea of the depth of his commitment to this. If he's willing to go out for you,

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if he's willing to be better for you, awesome. Let's see if that's a

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possibility. And lastly, if you are going for it, I do want to give you a breaking

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case of emergency kind of thing. This one's kind of an interesting fail-safe,

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but it isn't one time you stop him in his tracks option. I don't know if you

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know this, but music has proven to be an excellent trigger neurologically. It can

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make you remember all sorts of emotions tied to what you felt and thought. So sit

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down with him when he's nice and calm and neutral and give him a very happy

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memory. However, you see best to do so and while you make this memory with him,

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sing or hum a certain song of your choosing. Not one that you'll sing to

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yourself while cleaning up or on a walk or whatever, but a song that will only be

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sung with one purpose. When there's a truly happy moment between the two of

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you, sing a line or two jokingly or hum it, but sing the song in some way,

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playfully or just so you know even if it's in a silly voice, but tie it to

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these lovely moments between you two. Let your love grow roots throughout this

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song's melody. Never identify it to him as you know this is my happy song or I

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sing it when we're happy. Just start doing it and keep doing it. It'll most

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likely, you know, come off as a lovable quirk, but if all other methods fail and

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you sincerely fear for your safety, you start singing that song. It should

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disrupt his emotional storming enough to get away. If that doesn't feel safe, then

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you wait until he's all the way down and then you get out of there. That really is

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a last resort move that should serve as an absolute signal that it is time to

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end the relationship. Past that point, yeah, the relationship is doomed to

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almost certain failure, but not just that. You're in danger. I want to be clear

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that the only reason that I'm giving you advice on how to work on this is because

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you've said he almost hurt himself and me as well, which leads me to believe that

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he did, he did, he scared you, but he didn't hurt you. If he had hurt you, get

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the hell out of there. Sorry, man. That's... nope. Mm-mm. Don't stick around for that,

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because the kind of guys that hurt women are the kind of guys that know how to

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keep hurting women, and you don't...

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I've seen that too many times, and I've seen where that leads. Don't be there for

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that, please. If he starts hurting you, you get out, as he's not gonna stop. He may

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stop for the moment, but in the long haul, no, he's not gonna stop.

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But if you can get out in front of his anger, if you can be the beauty that

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tames the savage in him, okay. I can also go way wrong, so please, please be

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careful.

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And no one enough is enough.

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Time for the rest of you. Be good to them, be good for them, and you're gonna be

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fantastic. I'm WS Walker. You're the Fantastic You. Bye, everybody.