1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:18,840 Welcome back, you wonderful people who matter so very, very much. 2 00:00:18,840 --> 00:00:19,840 I'm W.S. 3 00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:24,680 Walker, and today I'm reading you Chapter 8, Breaking Part 2. 4 00:00:24,680 --> 00:00:29,960 And I have to say, yes, I am aware that there is a so bad that it's good movie called 5 00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:34,680 Breakin' and it's sequel, Breakin' 2, The Electric Boogaloo, but this episode will have 6 00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:40,600 slightly less nunchucks versus trash can lids under a bridge dance fighting. 7 00:00:40,600 --> 00:00:45,680 So in the previous episode, Part 1, we went over how messed up the Breaking Laugh actually 8 00:00:45,680 --> 00:00:52,240 is, some of the uses of the Breaking Laugh, some of the really messed up topics that we 9 00:00:52,240 --> 00:00:56,720 joke about, and ultimately what it does to us. 10 00:00:56,720 --> 00:01:01,120 We talked about your compassion being your tether to one another, and that the tighter 11 00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:05,600 you grip on my own path, the more that connection crumbles. 12 00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:10,960 We covered that we use the sound of love, unaimed, to stave off the pain of not living 13 00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:15,760 as we're designed to, to distract from the loneliness and the unimportance and the pain 14 00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:21,280 of not being close to one another, of not helping and supporting others, of not allowing 15 00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:24,160 oneself to be helped and supported. 16 00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:28,560 And a note to that, that is part of the full embrace of the design. 17 00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:33,200 Now I'm not saying you should be demanding of it, but you should be encouraging yourself 18 00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:37,040 to ask for help when you actually need it. 19 00:01:37,040 --> 00:01:38,040 Do this. 20 00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:41,520 Imagine how you would want to be approached for help. 21 00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:46,460 Go ahead, picture it, I'll wait, and then mentally pause the scenario right after they 22 00:01:46,460 --> 00:01:55,160 finish your ideal version of asking for help. 23 00:01:55,160 --> 00:02:07,560 Now, and this is important, in the moment that you imagine they're in your mind's eye, 24 00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:11,720 imagine that you're actually unable to physically help. 25 00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:16,320 In this scenario, the thing that they want is not something you have, and that character 26 00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:21,280 will be leaving this scenario without what it is that they need. 27 00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:25,400 So I want you to unpause the scenario and I want you to imagine the ways that you would 28 00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:36,840 most prefer to have them react to that news, both externally and internally. 29 00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:42,160 Let that be your model and your guide to what you should strive to be when asking for help, 30 00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:46,000 or when somebody denies you the help you're asking for. 31 00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:52,720 As a self-help gruer once told an old friend of mine, nothing is lost in the asking. 32 00:02:52,720 --> 00:02:59,040 You are in exactly the same boat before and after asking. 33 00:02:59,040 --> 00:03:04,360 It's you that applies the hurt to your pride, just as it is you that can choose to take 34 00:03:04,360 --> 00:03:05,920 no wound. 35 00:03:05,920 --> 00:03:12,240 I also recommend using this reversal of roles to examine what the best way to say no is 36 00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:14,400 when you're unable to help. 37 00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:19,720 Just picture how you'd want somebody to say no to you. 38 00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:24,920 That said, back to our previously on the laughing matters. 39 00:03:24,920 --> 00:03:30,420 So we talked about where you can find real, substantial happiness. 40 00:03:30,420 --> 00:03:35,840 We imagined what it would be like to spend the day loving all of them openly. 41 00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:41,160 And that caused us to run right into the granddaddy of all fears once again and stare it right 42 00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:44,080 in the eye. 43 00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:51,400 And I suggested that if fear of the unknown is the root of every fear, then faith is the 44 00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:55,840 root of its antidote. 45 00:03:55,840 --> 00:04:00,060 And it is here that we finally resume. 46 00:04:00,060 --> 00:04:01,800 Chapter 8. 47 00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:05,440 Breaking Part 2. 48 00:04:05,440 --> 00:04:10,560 I hope that as you've gotten this far into the book, you've agreed that it's probable 49 00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:17,200 that there is a creative force, that we are created with intent, and that there is meaning 50 00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:19,120 to the design. 51 00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:24,560 I believe that whenever that creator is, it cares about each of us and wants us to care 52 00:04:24,560 --> 00:04:26,560 about each other. 53 00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:34,520 In fact, what I've managed to see in the designs of us, our physical world, and our reality, 54 00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:38,040 a lot of importance was placed on us caring about each other. 55 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:46,280 I mean, we were designed to, and we were told explicitly, to have compassion and to love. 56 00:04:46,280 --> 00:04:47,680 Let me ask you something. 57 00:04:47,680 --> 00:04:55,040 If everything is made of God, how impossible do you think it would be for Him to nudge 58 00:04:55,040 --> 00:05:00,720 you out of oncoming danger without you knowing you've been nudge? 59 00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:08,000 If you one day decided to try to love openly, to help when needed, to cause joy among others, 60 00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:14,520 to live as you were designed to, and to do as has been asked of you, don't you think 61 00:05:14,520 --> 00:05:19,840 such a creator might steer you around those dangers that were featured so heavily in your 62 00:05:19,840 --> 00:05:24,080 predictive imaginings of what could go wrong? 63 00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:29,960 That if you finally decided to do something that He's all but begged us to do, He'd 64 00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:36,140 just leave you to be dashed against the rocks of chaos? 65 00:05:36,140 --> 00:05:42,720 He is the only one that knows how to navigate these waters safely, and all the best places 66 00:05:42,720 --> 00:05:47,800 to dock that will bring you real happiness are only known to Him. 67 00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:52,960 He knows what will make you happiest better than you ever will. 68 00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:58,560 You aren't taking your hand off the rudder so much as you're letting someone else navigate 69 00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:01,520 and shift your angles as they need to be shifted. 70 00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:07,600 It can be so difficult and yet so easy at the same time to override the fear that has 71 00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:12,040 had so much control over so much of your life. 72 00:06:12,040 --> 00:06:17,560 But placing your life in the hands of the One that made all life is a leap that one 73 00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:23,200 must make before they are reassured in their decision. 74 00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:28,160 For me, one of the most essential components to finding faith coincidentally and a bit 75 00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:33,120 ironically was the most intelligent thing I'd ever said. 76 00:06:33,120 --> 00:06:37,120 I don't know. 77 00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:42,640 After spending years and years searching religion and science for the parameters of God and 78 00:06:42,640 --> 00:06:49,000 how it all worked, I finally started moving in the right direction. 79 00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:54,020 And that direction of course ends up running an interesting parallel alongside the direction 80 00:06:54,020 --> 00:07:00,760 that leads a lot of mathematicians, physicists, and scientists to a belief in a creator being. 81 00:07:00,760 --> 00:07:05,160 Quite a great deal of one's time in these professions is spent finding the patterns 82 00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:07,500 and the details. 83 00:07:07,500 --> 00:07:13,680 We zoom in further and further in and try to make sense of what we're seeing. 84 00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:18,420 Molecules being made up of atoms, being made up of subatomic particles, and further. 85 00:07:18,420 --> 00:07:25,360 We also zoom out to see how it is that smaller systems affect bigger systems, biomes to ecosystems 86 00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:31,520 to planets to nebulae, which by the way is the plural to nebula. 87 00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:38,360 But many find themselves one day or one late night traveling in a third direction, a sort 88 00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:44,720 of sideways zoom, one that bubbles to the top of the mind the thought. 89 00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:48,720 All of these systems support all of these other systems. 90 00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:53,200 The patterns overlap all over the place. 91 00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:58,880 So how is it that these systems ever came to fit together in the first place? 92 00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:07,000 How is it that these patterns ever came to repeat and become patterns? 93 00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:09,800 I had a similar bit of a sideways zoom. 94 00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:16,200 I had realized that God could never be proven because if literally everything was made of 95 00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:21,000 God, then no contrast exists. 96 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:28,280 I had realized that God couldn't, by definition, be defined. 97 00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:33,960 There was no way that His existence operates within parameters that we would have any frame 98 00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:36,040 of reference for. 99 00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:42,520 His exact nature would be beyond any human beings comprehension and that I was never 100 00:08:42,520 --> 00:08:46,200 going to have the answers that I'd been looking for. 101 00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:51,840 But, to be fair, I now understood that I didn't even really understand what the questions 102 00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:52,840 I had were. 103 00:08:52,840 --> 00:09:01,600 Ultimately, I believe that it had been extraordinarily helpful to the understanding that I now have 104 00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:07,760 that my search had been something of a blanket search, an absorption of knowledge instead 105 00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:12,440 of a pursuit of a specific question to be answered. 106 00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:20,640 Because of the way that I had looked for God, it made it definitively easier to say, God, 107 00:09:20,640 --> 00:09:24,880 I understand that I'll never fully understand. 108 00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:28,080 I know that I'm not allowed to know. 109 00:09:28,080 --> 00:09:33,560 I will always be blind, so please lead me. 110 00:09:33,560 --> 00:09:35,520 I can't know your will. 111 00:09:35,520 --> 00:09:41,760 I can't even guess at it, so please help me to know it when I see it. 112 00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:51,600 I can't know that you exist, but I can choose to believe it. 113 00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:58,920 Some time passed, and eventually, I got as close to complete faith as I've ever been. 114 00:09:58,920 --> 00:10:06,400 It occurred during the journey I took during the Tennessee blizzard in late January 2011. 115 00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:11,120 The shortest possible version was that God asked something of me. 116 00:10:11,120 --> 00:10:16,920 I had reached a point where I was stuck on these concepts, failing to make any progress 117 00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:20,160 in my understanding of them. 118 00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:26,320 I had started growing stagnant in my search, though I had come to a place where I now decided 119 00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:32,720 that I believed with certainty that there was a God, and had started to learn to listen 120 00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:34,800 for Him in the world. 121 00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:40,240 And they were there, these little small nudges in certain directions, as if the very fabric 122 00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:42,680 of reality was doing the nudging. 123 00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:47,640 An opportunity would arise over here, or a new avenue would suddenly be available just 124 00:10:47,640 --> 00:10:49,560 as I needed it. 125 00:10:49,560 --> 00:10:55,120 God had very effectively spurred my writing along through December 2010, and I returned 126 00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:58,400 to my college dorm for my spring semester in January. 127 00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:03,000 Now at the time, I had been studying to teach the sciences. 128 00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:08,520 I was fast-tracking my way through my professional education degree, and so my 9-month love affair 129 00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:14,440 with the newly found concepts of the breaking and genuine laughs definitely affected my 130 00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:17,200 GPA a bit. 131 00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:26,120 But on Thursday, January 20, 2011, my priorities in my life were shifted, and have remained 132 00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:33,240 so for the last nine and a half years. 133 00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:37,560 I had spent a few weeks searching for the ends of threads to pick up related to the 134 00:11:37,560 --> 00:11:39,960 concepts I had found. 135 00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:46,680 I had been pretty spoiled before, making new connections daily and having spent just an 136 00:11:46,680 --> 00:11:53,880 entire month in December writing and puzzling as fast as I could at absolute breakneck pace, 137 00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:59,360 being awake as often as possible, and sometimes forgetting to eat and still barely keeping 138 00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:03,240 up with everything I needed to get down in writing. 139 00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:05,580 But now? 140 00:12:05,580 --> 00:12:12,920 Now I was in waiting, but I had no idea what I was waiting for. 141 00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:18,120 I hadn't read the Bible from cover to cover yet in my life, so I decided, after spending 142 00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:24,620 one day with the Old Testament, to read the New Testament. 143 00:12:24,620 --> 00:12:29,000 Just before the 20th, I had started reading Matthew, and had already found some interesting 144 00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:34,360 parallels to the concepts I had found, and would even get the occasional gentle nudge 145 00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:39,980 of a scripture number that was always perfectly timed and relevant, and one that I had come 146 00:12:39,980 --> 00:12:43,240 across in my own reading yet. 147 00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:48,960 So on the 20th, having asked God for guidance on how to progress with these concepts, and 148 00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:52,920 where to find those threads that let out from them, providing new insights into whatever 149 00:12:52,920 --> 00:13:00,680 they led to, God offered a solid nudge toward what looked like at the time, the edge of 150 00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:03,600 a cliff. 151 00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:09,720 I was home from class, and I had just started reading Matthew 10, and everything around 152 00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:12,680 me changed. 153 00:13:12,680 --> 00:13:16,280 I could feel God drawing near. 154 00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:25,160 The air itself had texture to it, and I could feel this ramp up of importance, viewing and 155 00:13:25,160 --> 00:13:28,640 emblazoning the words ahead of where I was reading. 156 00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:37,280 It was like being right in the middle of an orchestral swell, when it got louder and louder, 157 00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:43,520 and as it rose as I got closer to what I was supposed to read, I could feel my skin and 158 00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:47,200 my core vibrating. 159 00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:59,680 At last, I came to Matthew 10-9 and 10-10, and it was like a gong went off in the room. 160 00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:08,240 That vibration rippled out and immediately raced back to watch as I read. 161 00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:11,560 I remember my hands shaking as I read it. 162 00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:18,360 I like to think that now, having seen how the last nine years have played out, I have 163 00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:22,880 some understanding of why I was asked to do what I was asked to do the way that I was 164 00:14:22,880 --> 00:14:27,000 asked to do it. 165 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:31,480 Matthew 10-9-10-14 166 00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:36,240 It's a quote Jesus speaking to the apostles before he sends them out. 167 00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:43,280 Do not get any gold or silver or copper to take with you in your belts. 168 00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:51,520 No bag for the journey or extra shirt or sandals or a staff for the workers worth us keep. 169 00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:56,320 Whatever town or village you enter, search there for some worthy person and stay at their 170 00:14:56,320 --> 00:14:58,640 house until you leave. 171 00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:01,840 As you enter the home, give it your greeting. 172 00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:05,840 If the home is deserving, let your peace rest on it. 173 00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:10,960 If it is not, let your peace return to you. 174 00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:18,040 If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake 175 00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:23,720 the dust off your feet. 176 00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:27,200 I paused. 177 00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:31,840 There was no way that this was the answer that God was responding with. 178 00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:35,760 My college semester had just started and I was coming up on my residency and I would 179 00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:37,800 be teaching my first classes soon. 180 00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:42,960 I had to put in a bit more effort this semester to pull my GPA back up to as close to four 181 00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:52,000 as I could get it, but as I read, that permeating presence had reached a crescendo but held 182 00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:54,640 steadily there. 183 00:15:54,640 --> 00:16:03,960 I know God is always there, but right then, his eye, so to speak, was fixed on me. 184 00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:09,040 Anyone who has ever hit a crossroad in their life and suddenly felt God's attention focused 185 00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:13,640 on what you choose to do next knows this feeling. 186 00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:17,360 Suddenly you feel a bit more real. 187 00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:22,960 Every detail of your surroundings feels like it retreats a bit. 188 00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:28,560 I asked God if he was asking me to do what I thought he might be. 189 00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:34,840 In that moment, suddenly you feel a bit more real. 190 00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:40,680 Every detail in your surroundings takes on a sharp focus, but it also feels like its 191 00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:45,440 importance retreats a bit. 192 00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:50,840 I believed I was about to do a completely defenseless walk with no resources into the 193 00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:57,120 unknown in the middle of a blizzard and leave everything and everyone behind. 194 00:16:57,120 --> 00:17:05,840 I could feel him there, watching as I waited for my answer but not offering one. 195 00:17:05,840 --> 00:17:15,260 The thrum was still there and palpable, but gave no indication which way. 196 00:17:15,260 --> 00:17:19,680 This was to be my choice and mine alone. 197 00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:26,880 Openly weeping for the life and love that I was giving away, I wrote nine letters, 198 00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:31,720 one to each of my siblings, my parents, and my two closest friends. 199 00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:36,640 Each held some different sentiments and things needed to be said before I went. 200 00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:42,480 You see, in those moments, I didn't believe I'd ever see them again. 201 00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:47,760 I knew that there was a very real possibility that this was the end game that I was walking 202 00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:48,760 into. 203 00:17:48,760 --> 00:17:53,920 I was about to travel by God's directions and offer up my compliance to whatever he 204 00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:56,480 wished for me to do. 205 00:17:56,480 --> 00:18:02,280 I was terrified, but not as much as I could have been. 206 00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:08,880 It would still be some time before I realized that they stood opposite of those fears and 207 00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:15,800 neutralized their paralytic effects, and the next morning I stepped out my front door with 208 00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:19,240 a surprisingly light heart. 209 00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:24,320 I opened my heart to every single person I met on what I have referred to since as the 210 00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:32,240 journey, completely defenseless, helped where I could help, and left without a dollar, scrap 211 00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:36,200 of ID, or change of clothes. 212 00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:43,160 Just a satchel with a briefcase umbrella, two mechanical pencils, a pen, two empty books 213 00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:48,680 that would become my road journal, and ultimately the very first handwritten draft of The Breaking 214 00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:53,400 Laugh, which you're now reading as The Laughing Matters. 215 00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:56,640 I took a hoodie and a coat. 216 00:18:56,640 --> 00:19:02,480 During that 44 day journey, I was not harmed once or made to want for anything. 217 00:19:02,480 --> 00:19:07,560 I only remember feeling fear once the entire time. 218 00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:14,880 A moment of not doubt, but non-understanding. 219 00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:20,520 I had found myself at the time, out in the open, during a downpour, at night time, in 220 00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:23,160 freezing conditions. 221 00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:27,280 I was homeless during the journey, and I had been dropped off in Cookeville, Tennessee, 222 00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:29,720 on an exit ramp. 223 00:19:29,720 --> 00:19:36,480 At the time, I was going wherever I wound up, hitchhiking the interstates. 224 00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:43,880 Unfortunately, the exit where I was deposited at was a bit of an interstate stop, primarily 225 00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:47,520 hotels, fast food chains, and little else. 226 00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:54,160 None of the buildings seemed to have overhangs, or anything someone might sit beneath and 227 00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:59,200 not be on the soaked ground. 228 00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:05,120 None of the businesses had a lobby that was open, and I was becoming afraid. 229 00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:11,200 All of the people that I'd met that day while hitchhiking warmed me out of concern to make 230 00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:15,640 sure that I found shelter for the night, because it was supposed to drop into the single digits 231 00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:20,400 and the rain would not be stopping. 232 00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:25,200 I spent my first three hours in Cookeville exploring the buildings for a possible shelter 233 00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:28,040 for the night, to no avail. 234 00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:32,880 I had a glint of hope at one point, but it was quickly undone. 235 00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:40,160 There was a small portable barn-style shed behind a Japanese restaurant that looked promising. 236 00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:46,480 The business was already closed, possibly permanently, and I approached the shed, only 237 00:20:46,480 --> 00:20:52,440 to note that an old padlock was fastening the door shut. 238 00:20:52,440 --> 00:20:57,600 I was about to continue my search, concerned, but not yet afraid. 239 00:20:57,600 --> 00:21:03,160 But I saw that their back patio area had about a foot and a half clearance from the ground, 240 00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:07,120 and the wood slats weren't too far apart. 241 00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:14,760 I looked underneath the patio, the dirt ground, and there was mostly a wet mud slurry that 242 00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:16,760 would have to be crawled through. 243 00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:23,640 It looked like there was a dry dirt area, just big enough for a person about fifteen 244 00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:24,640 feet back. 245 00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:31,600 I shuddered and tucked it away quickly as currently the best option. 246 00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:36,000 I marveled at how depressing that was and used it as new motivation to find a better 247 00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:40,480 place to stay for the night. 248 00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:46,960 For several hours more I walked and I walked, finally, sitting down on the side of a building 249 00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:53,240 where a tiny overhang offered a little bit of protection from the ceaseless rain, but 250 00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:55,560 not the wind or the cold. 251 00:21:55,560 --> 00:22:01,320 The temperature had already started making its descent below the twenties, and I knew 252 00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:06,200 that I had exhausted the options that I would be able to find. 253 00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:11,680 I had only a small briefcase and a berlin with me, and I had gotten pretty thoroughly 254 00:22:11,680 --> 00:22:17,200 soaked in my search as it had been coming down in torrents. 255 00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:21,680 Businesses had all shut their doors, though some restaurants still had their open drive-thru 256 00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:23,400 windows. 257 00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:29,880 I had realized prior that I had to find or build shelter for the night, but it was then 258 00:22:29,880 --> 00:22:38,240 that I really began to understand that I might die that night, that this was a real, REAL 259 00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:43,040 possibility that was quickly becoming a probability. 260 00:22:43,040 --> 00:22:46,960 Thus far on the journey I had been acting at God's whim, including the small nudge 261 00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:53,120 to seek shelter in Cookville instead of getting back on the highway with my thumb out. 262 00:22:53,120 --> 00:22:58,200 The entire trip so far I had gotten by by praying for direction and something would 263 00:22:58,200 --> 00:23:03,480 happen that would point me in a direction. 264 00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:12,720 This time, for the first time on the journey, there seemed to be no response. 265 00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:18,520 I sat and I prayed and I tried to riddle out what to do for a long time. 266 00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:25,440 My shivering became really violent and I felt fear, not that God had abandoned me, but that 267 00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:29,860 this was where my journey came to an end. 268 00:23:29,860 --> 00:23:33,960 Maybe my writings would be discovered and get out into the world and that I had played 269 00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:39,840 as much of a part as had been written for me. 270 00:23:39,840 --> 00:23:47,040 I didn't feel ready to die, but I had faced a lot over the last few days and the last 271 00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:52,280 nine months and if that was what had been asked of me. 272 00:23:52,280 --> 00:23:58,160 Well, I had faced that too. 273 00:23:58,160 --> 00:24:05,680 Even though the temperature was steadily dropping, my shivering was beginning to subside. 274 00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:07,920 I didn't feel the cold as much. 275 00:24:07,920 --> 00:24:20,240 I just felt tired, drowsiness kept trying to sneak in and trick me into closing my eyes. 276 00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:22,760 I just couldn't keep my eyes open anymore. 277 00:24:22,760 --> 00:24:28,320 I heard three words clearly. 278 00:24:28,320 --> 00:24:31,320 Get up. 279 00:24:31,320 --> 00:24:36,320 Walk. 280 00:24:36,320 --> 00:24:41,760 I did not want to, but I did. 281 00:24:41,760 --> 00:24:46,520 I shuffled along the road looking for something, anything. 282 00:24:46,520 --> 00:24:51,320 Past buildings I'd already passed several times and I found myself in front of that 283 00:24:51,320 --> 00:24:55,360 Japanese restaurant again. 284 00:24:55,360 --> 00:25:01,440 I walked around back and stood in front of the patio again for at least a minute, trying 285 00:25:01,440 --> 00:25:09,880 to work up the courage to slide on my belly inch by inch through the icy, slimy mud. 286 00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:19,920 I felt compelled to turn around to check out that storage shed just one more time, but 287 00:25:19,920 --> 00:25:24,600 it was still padlocked. 288 00:25:24,600 --> 00:25:31,880 I lifted the lock slightly and gave it just a small tug. 289 00:25:31,880 --> 00:25:40,400 A resistance, ever so slight, gently gave way with a small metallic snap, and the lock 290 00:25:40,400 --> 00:25:42,400 popped open. 291 00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:46,760 I quickly stepped inside and shut the door. 292 00:25:46,760 --> 00:25:49,720 In the dark I was able to make out the only thing in the shed. 293 00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:56,000 It was a single wooden box in the center of the room and folded neatly on top of the box. 294 00:25:56,000 --> 00:26:02,240 It was a single large movers blanket, like the ones that come in a U-Haul truck rental 295 00:26:02,240 --> 00:26:06,360 that looks kind of like the inside of a grapefruit cake. 296 00:26:06,360 --> 00:26:14,400 I cried from relief and stripped off my soaked clothes and bundled up in the cold blanket, 297 00:26:14,400 --> 00:26:15,960 and it was horrid. 298 00:26:15,960 --> 00:26:23,280 For the first several hours my sleep was wet tissue paper thin, the linus of sleep that 299 00:26:23,280 --> 00:26:28,000 was ripped to shreds instantly with every shivering fit. 300 00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:35,440 The blanket barely seemed to work, was really stiff, and it itched everywhere. 301 00:26:35,440 --> 00:26:40,880 I actually began to fear someone would hear me because my body bucked against the plywood 302 00:26:40,880 --> 00:26:47,800 floor after wave after wave of racking shakes and shivers ran up and down. 303 00:26:47,800 --> 00:26:52,800 My teeth chattered so hard that I feared that I would either break them or accidentally 304 00:26:52,800 --> 00:26:55,320 lop off part of my tongue. 305 00:26:55,320 --> 00:27:03,440 But at some point I finally lost consciousness and fell into a deep slumber. 306 00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:13,160 And when I woke, the first thing that I noticed was how blissfully warm I was. 307 00:27:13,160 --> 00:27:18,040 The entire shed was flooded with warm, bright daylight. 308 00:27:18,040 --> 00:27:24,920 It was then that I saw an unusual addition to the shed, a large window that took up more 309 00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:29,360 than half of the wall that faced east. 310 00:27:29,360 --> 00:27:35,600 As I looked, I saw that the shaft of light had been beating down on my discarded, sopping 311 00:27:35,600 --> 00:27:37,760 wet clothes. 312 00:27:37,760 --> 00:27:42,520 I reached out and I touched one of my socks. 313 00:27:42,520 --> 00:27:48,480 Dry as a bone, as were my shoes, clothes, and satchel. 314 00:27:48,480 --> 00:27:55,640 The moisture that evaporated in my enclosed room seemed to have been absorbed by the blanket, 315 00:27:55,640 --> 00:28:02,560 transforming the stiff, coarse fabric into a fluffy, comfortable comforter. 316 00:28:02,560 --> 00:28:09,800 I dressed myself while seated to avoid being seen from the window, feeling enormously refreshed, 317 00:28:09,800 --> 00:28:14,720 having had the best sleep that I would get during my journey, and then approached the 318 00:28:14,720 --> 00:28:20,520 window to see just how much ice had hardened around my world. 319 00:28:20,520 --> 00:28:24,880 I remember having the fleeting thought that perhaps I had been encased in ice hard as 320 00:28:24,880 --> 00:28:32,040 it had rained that day and all night, and that I was now trapped in a frozen over shed. 321 00:28:32,040 --> 00:28:34,760 And then I saw it all. 322 00:28:34,760 --> 00:28:43,900 While I had slept that morning, the pouring torrents of rain had become gigantic snowflakes. 323 00:28:43,900 --> 00:28:47,160 The world was blanketed in it. 324 00:28:47,160 --> 00:28:51,840 Each flake looked like it was a cluster of ten to twenty individual flakes, some growing 325 00:28:51,840 --> 00:28:57,760 to the size of my fist and larger still, so large that I could actually hear when they 326 00:28:57,760 --> 00:28:59,960 hit the window. 327 00:28:59,960 --> 00:29:06,640 The world was surrounded by warm daylight, filled with gentle tufts of the stuff. 328 00:29:06,640 --> 00:29:11,880 I have never seen their equivalent, and I doubt I ever will. 329 00:29:11,880 --> 00:29:16,160 Between the reflected light of the snow and the uncharacteristically large window in the 330 00:29:16,160 --> 00:29:21,200 shed, I had been warmed back to life. 331 00:29:21,200 --> 00:29:26,760 Upon opening the door, I was met with no biting cold. 332 00:29:26,760 --> 00:29:32,000 The air was cold enough to hold the snow, but the sun bright enough to warm anything 333 00:29:32,000 --> 00:29:36,760 not made out of the bright white stuff. 334 00:29:36,760 --> 00:29:40,720 I walked in the snow for hours without a chill. 335 00:29:40,720 --> 00:29:45,760 My small briefcase umbrella kept the snow off me without a problem. 336 00:29:45,760 --> 00:29:50,920 As I recall, I spent most of the walk that day singing loudly and wanting for nothing. 337 00:29:50,920 --> 00:30:01,640 Now, there will come a point in this book where you will make a decision on how to proceed. 338 00:30:01,640 --> 00:30:07,840 I want you to underline, or in the case of this podcast, write down the episode number 339 00:30:07,840 --> 00:30:13,940 and the timecode for this moment right here, so that you can flip back to this easily when 340 00:30:13,940 --> 00:30:19,320 you get to that point, so you can remember this at that time. 341 00:30:19,320 --> 00:30:24,480 If you are so concerned with what will happen to you should you choose to live as you were 342 00:30:24,480 --> 00:30:30,920 designed to, to the point that you let it stop you from living as you were designed 343 00:30:30,920 --> 00:30:34,760 to, then yours is not belief. 344 00:30:34,760 --> 00:30:42,720 It may be on the way there, but it is not believed yet. 345 00:30:42,720 --> 00:30:47,480 There's a really simple but lovely part of the Bible where Jesus addresses this. 346 00:30:47,480 --> 00:30:51,400 He says, Therefore, I tell you, do not worry about your life. 347 00:30:51,400 --> 00:30:57,280 What you will eat or drink or about your body, what you will wear, is not life more than 348 00:30:57,280 --> 00:31:00,920 food and the body more than clothes. 349 00:31:00,920 --> 00:31:03,440 Look at the birds of the air. 350 00:31:03,440 --> 00:31:08,280 They do not sow or reap or gather into barns. 351 00:31:08,280 --> 00:31:11,800 And yet your heavenly Father feeds them. 352 00:31:11,800 --> 00:31:16,320 Are you not much more valuable than they? 353 00:31:16,320 --> 00:31:24,040 Who of you, by worrying, can add a single hour to your lifespan? 354 00:31:24,040 --> 00:31:30,000 It can be terrifying to jump in with both feet aimed at the unknown and care about everyone 355 00:31:30,000 --> 00:31:31,360 and love them. 356 00:31:31,360 --> 00:31:34,120 That's your lack of faith. 357 00:31:34,120 --> 00:31:38,980 Not a total lack, but a not quite enough lack. 358 00:31:38,980 --> 00:31:42,960 And I want to tell you, writer to reader, that this is perfectly understandable for 359 00:31:42,960 --> 00:31:44,480 you to have that. 360 00:31:44,480 --> 00:31:49,800 You've literally been raised from birth in a society that teaches against this, and that 361 00:31:49,800 --> 00:31:56,880 makes it as subconsciously clear as possible that it is suicide to do this. 362 00:31:56,880 --> 00:32:02,520 Either you haven't made the leap yet, or you have and you need another leap. 363 00:32:02,520 --> 00:32:08,160 The leap I'm referring to, of course, is famously known as a leap of faith. 364 00:32:08,160 --> 00:32:10,800 It was a phrase I grew up hearing as a common term. 365 00:32:10,800 --> 00:32:16,720 Until I was about 30, it existed to me only as a phrase that was used to illustrate an 366 00:32:16,720 --> 00:32:19,600 act of showing trust in someone else. 367 00:32:19,600 --> 00:32:23,080 And then I made my first leap of faith. 368 00:32:23,080 --> 00:32:29,400 And while the start of my journey still holds the biggest leap of faith so far, it wasn't 369 00:32:29,400 --> 00:32:30,400 the first one. 370 00:32:30,400 --> 00:32:37,400 I remember being in my bedroom early December 2010 prior to my journey, working on some 371 00:32:37,400 --> 00:32:41,000 of the concepts and typing away on my little laptop. 372 00:32:41,000 --> 00:32:48,800 It'd been about seven months since that splendiferous, disastrous date with Alyssa, and the subsequent 373 00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:52,800 removal of myself from the comedy career scene. 374 00:32:52,800 --> 00:33:00,120 In short, I'd been on a date with Alyssa, and probably trying to impress her, when I 375 00:33:00,120 --> 00:33:05,560 spouted off some of my musings on Why We Laugh, including the theory made in Stranger in a 376 00:33:05,560 --> 00:33:13,560 Strange Land, and three of the main concepts snapped together suddenly. 377 00:33:13,560 --> 00:33:19,960 Needless to say, the evening had been fairly ruined from there for that poor woman. 378 00:33:19,960 --> 00:33:20,960 I'd had... 379 00:33:20,960 --> 00:33:24,560 Please don't judge me on this. 380 00:33:24,560 --> 00:33:27,480 I just found this stuff all at once. 381 00:33:27,480 --> 00:33:29,360 I had to get it down. 382 00:33:29,360 --> 00:33:35,540 I'd had one arm around her, my left arm around her during the movie, and the other hand was 383 00:33:35,540 --> 00:33:43,000 furiously scribbling out notes on a post-it on a side table, with only a minor effort 384 00:33:43,000 --> 00:33:49,640 put towards hiding my diverted attention. 385 00:33:49,640 --> 00:33:54,640 During that period that followed that night, I had undergone some radical changes. 386 00:33:54,640 --> 00:33:59,920 I'd still attended my fall semester at Austin Peay, though my afternoons had been filled 387 00:33:59,920 --> 00:34:05,320 with long contemplative walks, writing, and reading rather than working on stand-up comedy 388 00:34:05,320 --> 00:34:10,720 bits, or playing guitar, or doing up close magic, or playing video games with the other 389 00:34:10,720 --> 00:34:13,560 residents of Killabrew Hall. 390 00:34:13,560 --> 00:34:18,360 So during the summer and winter breaks, I'd head back to Nashville and stayed with my 391 00:34:18,360 --> 00:34:23,320 parents, as it proved to be too difficult to secure and afford a place in Nashville 392 00:34:23,320 --> 00:34:26,160 for a month to three months at a time. 393 00:34:26,160 --> 00:34:30,720 I was working a full-time overnight job in Nashville that agreed to keep me on so long 394 00:34:30,720 --> 00:34:33,640 as I was working during the school breaks. 395 00:34:33,640 --> 00:34:37,940 That was particularly useful for my needs, as most of the world was asleep when I was 396 00:34:37,940 --> 00:34:43,960 most active, which afforded me plenty of thinking quiet. 397 00:34:43,960 --> 00:34:52,160 So late that December night, I was fumbling with one particular concept, and it hit me. 398 00:34:52,160 --> 00:34:55,940 I believed there to be a God. 399 00:34:55,940 --> 00:35:03,360 I had seen enough to know that it was likely, but never enough to be certain without a doubt. 400 00:35:03,360 --> 00:35:10,640 And I finally realized that I was never going to know for 100% certain. 401 00:35:10,640 --> 00:35:16,160 Not in this lifetime at any rate, and you may chuckle that off as, of course not, but 402 00:35:16,160 --> 00:35:18,220 it's one thing saying it. 403 00:35:18,220 --> 00:35:24,060 It's another thing to really recognize it in yourself. 404 00:35:24,060 --> 00:35:27,680 And I had a choice to make, ultimately. 405 00:35:27,680 --> 00:35:30,600 Yes or no? 406 00:35:30,600 --> 00:35:35,800 For me, is there or isn't there? 407 00:35:35,800 --> 00:35:42,320 When it comes time for me to lay down my coin, which box is it going in? 408 00:35:42,320 --> 00:35:44,080 And here was that moment. 409 00:35:44,080 --> 00:35:46,400 It was time. 410 00:35:46,400 --> 00:35:49,240 And I did. 411 00:35:49,240 --> 00:35:55,680 Now a good friend of mine, Jay Seals, told me once that miracles do happen to people, 412 00:35:55,680 --> 00:36:00,600 but that they are only miracles to the people they happen to. 413 00:36:00,600 --> 00:36:06,360 So many parents refer to their own children as miracles, and only they understand why 414 00:36:06,360 --> 00:36:10,760 it is that they consider them to be miracles. 415 00:36:10,760 --> 00:36:17,000 It can't be told in any way that would properly convey the enormity of the miracle to another 416 00:36:17,000 --> 00:36:19,320 person. 417 00:36:19,320 --> 00:36:26,880 I mention this now because in that moment, I experience something that I can't explain 418 00:36:26,880 --> 00:36:30,640 and that I cannot convey properly. 419 00:36:30,640 --> 00:36:35,440 I fell to my knees from it, and I spoke out loud to God. 420 00:36:35,440 --> 00:36:40,520 God, I will never be able to prove you. 421 00:36:40,520 --> 00:36:43,520 I know that now. 422 00:36:43,520 --> 00:36:49,080 Instead, I'm just going to go ahead and believe in you. 423 00:36:49,080 --> 00:36:54,640 I was already fairly certain of God's existence, but I hadn't spoken to God without prefacing 424 00:36:54,640 --> 00:37:00,360 it with, if you are really there, God, since I had left the church. 425 00:37:00,360 --> 00:37:08,280 I was speaking to God for the first time as a believer, and suddenly felt ashamed for 426 00:37:08,280 --> 00:37:12,120 a lot of things I had done in my life. 427 00:37:12,120 --> 00:37:13,920 And I asked Him for forgiveness. 428 00:37:13,920 --> 00:37:17,640 I really genuinely meant it. 429 00:37:17,640 --> 00:37:20,120 I wasn't after absolution. 430 00:37:20,120 --> 00:37:25,840 I was just genuinely ashamed of so many of the choices that I had elected to make so 431 00:37:25,840 --> 00:37:30,720 far, and my reasoning behind them, and my intent. 432 00:37:30,720 --> 00:37:35,440 And I was genuinely sorry for all of them. 433 00:37:35,440 --> 00:37:44,400 There was this brief moment of pause, and the sound seemed to go out of the air. 434 00:37:44,400 --> 00:37:47,400 Absolute silence. 435 00:37:47,400 --> 00:37:54,760 And then I felt the strangest sensation, as if a drop of some liquid had landed on top 436 00:37:54,760 --> 00:37:56,800 of my head. 437 00:37:56,800 --> 00:38:04,920 It spread out and down, slowly engulfing my face and neck, leaving behind that feeling 438 00:38:04,920 --> 00:38:12,520 of pins and needles from a limb falling asleep everywhere that it touched. 439 00:38:12,520 --> 00:38:18,880 It spread and spread until it covered my entire body. 440 00:38:18,880 --> 00:38:25,360 And I don't really know a better way of saying this, other than I felt. 441 00:38:25,360 --> 00:38:26,360 Cleaned. 442 00:38:26,360 --> 00:38:27,360 I felt. 443 00:38:27,360 --> 00:38:28,360 New. 444 00:38:28,360 --> 00:38:36,520 It's a funny thing, Faith. 445 00:38:36,520 --> 00:38:42,920 You don't really get the confirmation that you want of there being a God until after 446 00:38:42,920 --> 00:38:46,040 you make the leap. 447 00:38:46,040 --> 00:38:48,600 Kinda how courage operates. 448 00:38:48,600 --> 00:38:55,040 You don't get it until you did the thing that you needed it for. 449 00:38:55,040 --> 00:39:01,000 And just like a miracle, a confirmation is typically only a confirmation to the person 450 00:39:01,000 --> 00:39:03,160 it happened to. 451 00:39:03,160 --> 00:39:08,840 I got mine moments after the first leap, and the first thing on the morning that I left 452 00:39:08,840 --> 00:39:11,360 from my journey. 453 00:39:11,360 --> 00:39:18,640 For those that make the choice, your faith is often cemented shortly after. 454 00:39:18,640 --> 00:39:26,040 This at its core is problematic for those who have not or will not make their own leap. 455 00:39:26,040 --> 00:39:27,680 Show or show they say. 456 00:39:27,680 --> 00:39:30,960 Of course they get the confirmation it's no fulfilling prophecy. 457 00:39:30,960 --> 00:39:37,680 You believe all things are God, and that everything that is or happens is within God, and so everything 458 00:39:37,680 --> 00:39:41,200 that happens is proof of God to you. 459 00:39:41,200 --> 00:39:46,480 Like I said before, this is an argument that goes nowhere. 460 00:39:46,480 --> 00:39:52,440 Either there is a God or there isn't, and neither side will ever be able to offer definitive 461 00:39:52,440 --> 00:39:57,820 proof one way or the other. 462 00:39:57,820 --> 00:40:04,920 So I submit to you that the point is to believe without immutable evidence. 463 00:40:04,920 --> 00:40:10,680 The universe seems to have been designed in its mechanisms to support this, such as the 464 00:40:10,680 --> 00:40:12,400 subatomic shoreline. 465 00:40:12,400 --> 00:40:24,040 But we are all allowed to have just enough evidence to choose to believe and have faith. 466 00:40:24,040 --> 00:40:28,880 Think about the design of it all, we have our blindness to the future path, the core 467 00:40:28,880 --> 00:40:33,640 of all fears being the literal unknown. 468 00:40:33,640 --> 00:40:39,240 The God is not only a much better navigator, but also happens to be everything that's 469 00:40:39,240 --> 00:40:40,960 being navigated. 470 00:40:40,960 --> 00:40:47,320 They all make our very existence something of a test, don't they? 471 00:40:47,320 --> 00:40:56,880 A test that is across the board in many beliefs, very important that we pass. 472 00:40:56,880 --> 00:41:07,120 One that the very blueprints of our universe were drawn up with in mind. 473 00:41:07,120 --> 00:41:08,120 And that's it for me. 474 00:41:08,120 --> 00:41:11,080 Thank you so much for coming to the reading. 475 00:41:11,080 --> 00:41:13,160 Please subscribe. 476 00:41:13,160 --> 00:41:16,760 That's not something I ever say to you guys, but please subscribe. 477 00:41:16,760 --> 00:41:21,800 There's gonna be more after the book, and it's all good, baby. 478 00:41:21,800 --> 00:41:25,400 You can check out the YouTube channel at youtube.com slash could help. 479 00:41:25,400 --> 00:41:29,320 You can contact the podcast at willhelpmail at gmail.com. 480 00:41:29,320 --> 00:41:34,280 Come talk about this stuff, ask questions, or hear what others think at r slash The Laughing 481 00:41:34,280 --> 00:41:35,720 Matters on Reddit. 482 00:41:35,720 --> 00:41:41,080 You can stay up to date with the show's Facebook at facebook.com slash I could help. 483 00:41:41,080 --> 00:41:46,280 And then of course, you have the laughing matters dot com central hub. 484 00:41:46,280 --> 00:41:52,840 So until next time, you've got a very serious series of questions to ask yourself. 485 00:41:52,840 --> 00:41:57,040 And I implore you to ask some of those questions to other people as well. 486 00:41:57,040 --> 00:42:04,800 There are a few better ways to achieve understanding than to gather understandings. 487 00:42:04,800 --> 00:42:08,880 And they're going to say plenty of stuff you never think of on your own. 488 00:42:08,880 --> 00:42:12,880 And the act of explaining your questions and laying out the groundwork so the person can 489 00:42:12,880 --> 00:42:20,000 follow what you're asking will cause you to reorganize the information in a way that you 490 00:42:20,000 --> 00:42:23,080 wouldn't normally be able to do on your own. 491 00:42:23,080 --> 00:42:28,320 So in short, talk to them, be good to them, and be good for them. 492 00:42:28,320 --> 00:42:31,680 And you're going to be great. 493 00:42:31,680 --> 00:42:32,680 Be sweet. 494 00:42:32,680 --> 00:42:55,000 Bye everybody.