Oh my God.
I got back on Tinder.
I said, what?
I matched with this guy and he's really kind of cute.
We matched immediately.
I'm so excited.
What do I say?
Fuck, Mary Kill.
Oh my God.
Dot, dot, dot.
Really?
Salsa queso guac
No.
Come on, that's a great opener.
That is very good.
If they don't know what it is.
Where did you get that from?
That's so good.
I made it up.
No, you didn't.
I swear to God.
This is so good.
But like we can't be using the same opening line.
Why?
I mean, it's actually kind of funny if we did.
What if we match with the same person and we're both like, fuck, Mary Kill, salsa queso,
guac.
And they're like, have I already talked to you before?
Because we kind of look similar maybe?
Like I don't know.
I don't know what's up with that.
Yeah.
But also you got to think about this.
Like it's a really easy way to weed people out because like if they don't know what it
is, then like fuck them.
They don't want to like hang with you and your, you know, sense of humor.
And if they do and they don't like match up good with your vibe, because like I'm marrying
queso.
Oh no.
I don't know.
I'm fucking salsa.
I'm marrying queso and I'm killing guac.
Okay.
So no, you made some really bad ass guac tonight.
I am.
But I'm killing it.
I'm fucking queso because queso is really bad for you.
It's really, really bad for you.
I am marrying guac because that that stuff has some, some nutrients and I am killing
salsa because honestly, I should probably marry salsa, but I'm killing.
I should kill queso, but I love it so much that I have to fuck it.
Oh my God.
I'm dead.
Right?
Who cares about salsa?
Okay.
So y'all weigh in and tell us like how you feel, but also let's keep this trend going
and we'll do a fuck marry kill on some other folks.
So I'm going to do folks are like things.
No, no, like we're going to do actors.
Okay.
All right.
So I'm going to do Paul Rudd, Matthew McConaughey and Ryan Reynolds.
Oh, Mary Ryan Reynolds.
One hundred percent.
Actually, I want to fuck him too.
Don't marry to him.
You can fuck him.
Right?
So marry him.
And who was the other Matthew McConaughey and Paul Rudd.
Okay.
So I'm going to I like Paul Rudd, but I'm going to kill him.
No, you know what?
I'm killing Matthew McConaughey.
I don't know.
It's so hard.
I'm killing Matthew.
That was a very difficult one to come out of the gateway.
Yeah, but okay.
So Paul Rudd, I'm going to kill because he has that new show.
It's not really new.
I forgot what it is.
It's about the it's the one where he like goes and like clones himself and then like,
I don't know.
It's freaking weird.
It's so weird.
And I'm like, I don't know how I feel about that show, but I did.
I got into it for a while and then I was like, this is really weird.
So I think I'm going to kill him off and then Matthew McConaughey, even though honestly,
I could not stand his voice.
I love his voice.
Everybody loves it, but I don't know if I can live with it forever.
God bless America.
I cannot.
I'm confused.
One of my boo for all of everything.
Dacey Confused is one of my favorite movies of all time.
I am marrying Matthew McConaughey.
I am fucking Ryan Reynolds and I am bless his heart, killing Paul Redd.
Oh my God.
Yeah, Paul Redd, poor guy.
You know what?
He kind of looks like a mix of like he's so great that when he doesn't age, like, I mean,
none of them do, but they don't because they're bajillionaires and they have money to get
whatever creams and injections they need.
Which honestly, hopefully that will be the case for me.
But to be honest, I don't think I'll get any.
I'm a little scared to get like Botox and stuff.
A lot of my friends, like I could go get it tomorrow if I wanted to because it's so.
I'll never forget.
I went to, I think it was before I moved to Cleveland.
So it was like maybe spring of 2019.
I was down visiting my sister and went to a friend of hers house, like just a little
house party that like crawfish boil type thing.
And there was this girl there who worked for, I want to say a dermatologist.
If it's not a dermatologist, I'm sorry.
You know, whatever.
I don't really remember.
But she was like, we were like, ooh, examine our faces and like, you know, make a mad face
and whatever.
And she's like, oh, you can have like two shots here and four shots here and you know,
whatever, like a Botox.
And so we like walked away and I was like, oh hell, I need 25 shots of Botox.
And Melanie was like, well, I need 47, which I don't really think that was the right number.
She's like 10 years older than you.
No, she is not.
She is four years older than us.
Oh, that's it?
Yes.
But Melanie doesn't need Botox.
She looks great.
A hundred thousand percent.
She looks great.
And you honestly don't need any Botox.
Not unless you don't want your face to move.
You don't have any wrinkles.
Don't even, don't even lie.
Don't even you.
We recorded something and you even saw that you said, and my face is not, what do you
say disappointing?
It's not disappointing.
Your face selfies and you even know it.
So don't even fucking freaking lie.
You are really obstructing the context of that recording.
And the recording was that you were taking a selfie of your face and your face is not
disappointing.
No, that was not the context.
The context was my Instagram was being reviewed by other people, like the brothers of somebody
that was dating.
And this person was like, oh, how inappropriate.
And I was like, oh my God, there's nothing on my Instagram other than like food and selfies.
And again, my face is not disappointing.
Exactly.
That's what I was saying.
I'm not saying it was bad.
I don't understand how that was.
Anyways, back to F. Mary Gil, please.
Give me some more.
How about Snickers, Butterfinger and Snickers, Butterfinger and let's do Payday.
Because that's what I have upstairs.
Kill Payday because I am not with that.
I love a Payday.
And I am going to fuck a Snickers and marry a Butterfinger.
Really?
Yeah.
I couldn't eat Butterfinger for the rest of my life.
100%.
I could.
Payday?
But I'm not a huge, I just sounded really Italian.
I'm not a huge.
That's how I heard it.
I don't know.
I'm not a huge sweets person.
So like the salty sweet is good.
Payday would be good for you because it's not that sweet.
Isn't there like peanuts or some shit in it?
Peanuts and like caramel.
Yeah, no.
Fuck off with the peanuts.
I don't like peanuts.
It's not sweet at all.
I don't like peanuts.
I don't like peanuts either, but I love a Payday.
No, I do not like peanuts.
Love a Payday.
Payday is way better than Snickers and Butterfinger.
Okay.
So what else?
Give me some more.
Some more.
What you got?
Since you going to text while you're talking to me.
Let's see.
I'm going to do movies.
Okay.
And it's going to take me like a hot sec.
Okay.
We'll do baseball movies like kid baseball movies.
The Sandlot.
Rookie of the Year.
And.
Is that something I'll feel?
Sure.
I forget which one's which.
But I think the Sandlot would be Mary.
Actually I don't know.
I love the Sandlot.
Me too.
But I also really like, I can't remember which one it is.
The one where he like flaps his wings.
I think it's Angels in the Outfield.
That's Angels in the Outfield.
But I do like Rookie of the Year.
Which one's Rookie of the Year?
Rookie of the Year is when he falls down and like has an accident or whatever and he's
in the like arm upright position.
Oh I love that one.
But I thought that was Angels in the Outfield.
No he's in it for too long.
Yeah and so he can like, his tendons were too tight.
Is that the one that Kevin Costner's in?
Or is that Angels in the Outfield?
I'm going to Google it.
Angels in the Outfield.
I don't think, well Kevin Costner's not in Rookie of the Year.
Oh no it's not Kevin Costner.
So yeah it is.
So what does it say?
In Rookie of the Year?
No.
So Matthew McConaughey is in Angels in the Outfield.
And so is Danny Glover.
And who is the guy in, what's the other one called?
Rookie of the Year?
Yeah.
Let me check that out.
Rookie of the Year, you've got Gary Busey.
Yeah.
And I thought Kevin Costner was in one of these.
Like I don't know, maybe I'm like losing my mind.
No do you know who's in the Sandlot?
Do you know what the Sandlot is about?
That's the Sandlot, yeah I love the Sandlot.
That's like the girl with the-
You play ball like a girl.
Yeah but then-
Yeah Wendy Peppercorn.
Yeah she's like in her like, I was her when I was like, I was a lifeguard in high school
and I was hot.
I was hot in my one piece lifeguard outfit.
Did you wear white sunglasses as well?
Oh I did.
No fuck you.
I did because we went to New York City and I got like some of those like skanky like
fake like I can't remember which brand they were but they were like fake Chanel or fake
something.
Sandlot's is spendy or something like fake.
They were like two dollars like on Chinatown.
That's just terrible.
Or like we bought it from some dude in a bag on the trash bag on the side of the road.
It was sketchy.
Emily Peppercorn.
Yeah.
Nah she was, I was a lifeguard for like a very long time.
I was a head lifeguard.
I was like the pool manager.
Shout out to your CPR life.
Honestly if I could be a lifeguard again that was great.
I got my vitamin D, got my exercise.
So as long as you could get paid like a hundred dollars an hour.
A hundred dollars an hour is yeah that would be good.
That's a lot for a lifeguard.
Well duh.
Honestly to be honest like that's what I mean though.
You're watching a bunch of little babies.
You should get paid a hundred dollars an hour.
Do you know how hard it is?
It's really not that hard.
Sometimes it's annoying when you have all these little kids running around and the parents
will watch them and like what if they die or like what if you have to do CPR?
That's traumatic.
You know I don't know.
You need to you need to pay attention and get off your phone because when you get you're
like a man and I hate to stereotype here but like you're like literally like I'm like my
dad like my brother.
When they have something in they have one task you can't talk to them.
You can't do anything.
They can't multitask.
They just like everything's blocked out.
So I was literally just talking to Sarah saying like Sarah like what what are you doing here?
Like hello and she's like I'm listening.
I'm multitasking while I'm on my phone.
And I'm like what did I just say and she just kind of looked at me like I don't know.
Well because you might know why.
Why?
Because you have a boo man on your.
No.
Because we have full-time jobs and we need somebody to edit this shit for us.
Look we're not editing right now.
We're fun.
We're having fun.
We're recording.
But we do.
We do have full time.
Recording is literally the best part.
Recording is so fun.
Recording not so fun.
Also listening back to it like so boring.
Like I remember what we said.
It's kind of cringy a little bit but it also takes us like forever to get.
We are at 38 minutes of over an hour and we have been doing this editing this other episode
that we are paused to start recording because we're like oh god we have to have this conversation.
And we have been editing it for like two hours and we're 38 minutes in and it's a lot.
I don't think people realize how much work goes into a podcast.
Shit we didn't realize it.
No I mean I knew that the editing was gonna be hard and like a learning curve.
We could outsource it but I think it's gonna be expensive.
We thought.
I don't have the money to pay for that right now.
Hell no.
And so y'all need to listen and.
Send us some Venmo.
Maybe our parents will like feel bad for us but I doubt it.
I highly doubt it.
I don't want my parents to feel bad for me.
My parents would only feel bad for me if like maybe if I couldn't afford to get my toilet
that over exploded.
That was definitely a situation.
So like however many hours ago that that happened.
I mean maybe.
It's been a minute.
It's been like two or three hours.
I don't know.
I don't know what's happening.
I was like oh my god I'm gonna help with this situation.
But at the same time I'm over it.
I'm I I feel bad.
I feel like I'm a burden for being here.
I just want to go.
But like I knew we needed to do more work and we did and we got a ways but.
And now it's 1243 a.m.
No I'm having fun.
No what?
Yes.
OMG.
I know that's what I keep saying.
I said that at midnight and you were like no I'm having fun.
I'm wanting another drink.
And I'm like okay.
And here we are.
I feel like an evil twin.
No we have to stop this and finish editing the other.
Okay pause.
Pause.
Bye.
Bye guys.